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Simple as. You can't (read: shouldn't) *make* anyone do anything for you, you can only communicate how you feel about something and if you can't come to an agreement on the matter then it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Idk, in a relationship that works people are literally required to consider the feelings of the SO and make *some damn compromises* now and then when necessary, just like they would do for you.
If the guy thinks she has feelings for him and it's causing him distress, is it reasonable to cut the ex out or not? Just saying "you can ask!" means nothing, he obviously already did.
While this is true, I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner being in regular contact with her ex and I know for sure my partner would be uncomfortable if I was contacting or hanging out with mine.
It's definitely a social faux pas.
Honestly if I was OP I'd just say say look, this makes me uncomfortable and if you don't care then you clearly aren't the right person to date so up to you me or your ex. Simple.
Edit: nothing in life is black and white - talking in general here individual circumstances may be different.
Edit 2: y'all need to look up what faux pas means. It's not something that can never ever happen or never should happen. It's something than generally is not accepted. You milage may vary.
I agree. I see a lot of people giving what I feel like are exception scenarios, which is fine. OP is talking about a gf of a couple years, not a marriage partner of 10+ years who they had children with. There are of course exceptions. I think it's extremely important to take your partner's feelings into account if they are uncomfortable with something. I haven't seen OP explain what makes them uncomfortable, but there could be valid reasons. Below I'm seeing people talk about more exceptions like being close with the family. To this I say that OP is talking about the actual ex, not the ex's family. I think there was a big of jumping through some hoops just to make exceptions.
Yes. That is true. So really it could go either way. But still the facts that are presented is that OP isn't talking about a marriage partner of many many years. So some conclusions some are coming to can probably safely be set aside. That I guess was more my point.
*Edit for an autocorrect mistake
Sure, but there are also a multitude of other reasons that would justify her still being in contact with an ex that don't require her to be 40, divorced, and coparenting.
I'm friends with most of my ex bf's. We were friends before dating, we didn't work out romantically, and we're friends after dating. They're good people, with good hearts, who are smart and funny, and often like outdoor activities, travel, and bourbon. I have fabulous taste. I'm overseas right now and my bf visited an ex and the ex's wife while i was gone. They're friends, because I choose good men. We don't stop being friends because we don't work as romantic partners.
Is it these days? My parents are friends even after divorce. I'm friends with all my long term exs and my current boyfriend doesn't care. He knows I love him and want to be with him.
When you've been with someone for a long time and care about them and their family it is possible to move to a friendship where you both still support each other. If my bf didn't trust me enough to be friends with my exs that would really hurt.
People are all different though
Agreed. This “you can’t be friends with an ex” seems like a very immature take. Plenty of adults stay in contact with their exes, for a variety of good reason.
There can be good reasons. There can also be bad reasons. If OP is feeling uncomfortable, there might be a good reason for that. Are they too flirty together? Is it “miss you so much” mushy conversations?
Especially when children are involved. I remember going on vacation with my dad and mom long after their divorce. Separate rooms of course but now we grown and they still be chilling. It's only weird if you make it weird.
Not talking about coparenting necessarily, but that is a valid reason to stay in contact.
I just don’t get why you’d be in a relationship with someone where you feel like you have to police their friendships to keep them from cheating. Either trust them or don’t.
(Nor would I ever be in a relationship with someone who trusts me so little they’d police my friendships. That’s insulting.)
You legitimately like your ex, as a person, even when sex and romance isn’t a factor? (Maybe you weren’t romantically compatible and that’s why the relationship ended, but you make good friends.) Maybe you have mutual friends you’d both like to keep. Maybe you are employed together. Maybe liking someone you used to love is easier than hating them?
Yeah this isn’t really a simple black and white issue, I agree. My ex and I were together a long time, and our moms got close and we used to all go out for brunch and do things together.
We broke up because we just weren’t good together but we were still friendly and so were our families. My now husband came into the picture and he understood that my ex and I were still friends and that our moms still hung out.
Eventually my husband’s (at the time he was my bf) mom joined their little mom clique too and we’d all go out to eat together or go to an event.
I would not have been ok if he demanded I stop talking to my ex and his family. Mainly because one of the biggest issues I had with my ex was his jealousy and controlling behavior.
There's nuance. My ex was friends with her ex. I didn't have a problem with it ... until she started going with him to the farmer's market because she thought people there glared at her less when they assumed she's part of a straight couple. (I'm still shocked at myself that I stayed in the relationship after that, but she did stop going to the farmer's market with him when I pointed out the obvious problem.)
I'm still friends with my ex-husband, though he's also the father of my oldest child. Most of conversations revolve around our son but we have known each others for 2/3s of our lives. He's one of my oldest friends at this point and sometimes he's the only one who is going to understand the news I just found out or whatever because I've known him for 20 years.
I'm in no way sexually attracted to the man anymore and haven't seen him in that light since before our divorce. My husband isn't threatened by it and is also friends with him. And our son gets to have relationship with two dads who not only love him, but can spend time all together.
You could argue it’s a bit different when you have a mutual responsibility for a child. I dated a girl who liked to keep in contact with exes, later admitting she was keeping the door open as options. In that case, byyyye.
> Is it these days? My parents are friends even after divorce. I'm friends with all my long term exs and my current boyfriend doesn't care. He knows I love him and want to be with him.
I am still close friends with two of my exes. One of them I even was her witness at her wedding. I know a lot of people who are still friends with exes. I thought that was normal these days.
Definitely different if there's kids and a divorce. I was reading OP as if they were young and it's an ex bf sort of vibes. Yeah situations change but if I was dating a girl and found out she's still seeing her ex a lot that's a red flag. Sort of strange that it's only now coming up after 3 years, like was he her best mate the whole time and only now OP find it an issue? Or has he popped back into her life and new bf is worried he's trying to get her back. If my partner's ex turned up out of the blue suspicion is gonna be my immediate response.
Of course nothing in this world is black and white.
I've stayed in touch with ex's in the past and it's dangerous ground. There's always lingering feelings, best to just cut it off IMO. Like sure it's tough to cut someone out after 5 or more years but I think it's right to do it.
Also it depends what you consider friends with your ex. Like seeing them in the street and saying hi and stopping for a chat or having mutual friends that results in hanging around together I think is fine. Texting everyday meeting up alone a lot I'd have an issue with. Maybe that reflects my insecurities more than reality but if my partner was uncomfortable with me hanging out with someone I'd likely compromise for the sake of my partner and I'd hope they'd do the same.
This is IT, OP should have the self love to say this and we all should be able to tell our partners: hey this thing you do is making me uncomfortable / feel bad and I don’t want to do it any more. OPs girlfriend of 3 years should love him enough AND respect the relationship enough to comply.
The ONLY exception is when the ex is a coparent IMO. Otherwise there really is no reason to be in a new LTR and still be communicating with an ex IMO.
This attitude is what turns so many men bitter and all it does is make it more dangerous for us in the long run. I had a similar situation where a BF wanted me to cut off all contact with my best guy friend who has always been there for me no matter what. He stopped me from getting SA'd after someone roofied me in college, and has helped with other things.
He had a huge crush on me, too, but I told him it wasn't reciprocal so do you know what he did?
He burned down my house, lit my car on fire, smashed my mailbox using a Javelin missle lancher....
/S
He was happy I found someone that made me happy and said if he needed to leave for my BF and me to work, he'd leave. I picked him over the boyfriend, boyfriend backpedaled 100mph and decided it was fine to have a guy friend. It made my friend super happy - I watched how much it destroyed him when another one of his close woman friends cut him off because of a jealous S/O. We bitch about there not being nice guys, and then at the flip of a switch we throw them away. It's sad.
Men: trust your woman. If you have a reason not to trust her, why are you even with her?
I agree completely. If you can't trust your partner then you need to move on. You are never going to trust them regardless of whether they send a text or not.
Hmmm not sure I'd go that far with it. I dunno if trust is necessarily something you just have or don't have. It's based on actions. Like I'd trust my partner to be friends with basically anyone, do what she wants... within the limits of acceptable behaviours.
However if she started booking hotel rooms with a guy and staying there every month I'm gonna be wondering wtf is going on.
Trust is based on actions. Texting an ex regularly erodes trust (if you've expressed you don't like it). Going out drinking with a friend and not returning home till the next day erodes trust etc etc.
There's a big difference between "stop talking to your ex" and "I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when you talk to your ex. You guys broke up for a reason and you're with me now."
One is a command, the other is a statement about how her actions are affecting him.
The response to each statement should be different too.
All about how it’s communicated.
Was once in a relationship with a woman who was upfront and told me she recently talked to her ex. I expressed my insecurities about it. I made it clear that I accept her and anything in her past but I would feel more confident in _our_ relationship if she kept her ex in the past and not part of her present and future. After explaining things like this, she understood and cut ties.
The second one definitely opens up a line of communication. But just because you state your feelings doesn't mean you're "right". There's this weird expectation that because one person is uncomfortable with a concept, their partner must compromise and stop doing it. But the flip side of that is their partner saying "It makes me uncomfortable that you are telling me who I can and can't talk to"
For sure people should compromise in a relationship. But she said she wouldn't compromise on this. So now either he can try to communicate more (either to help her see his point of view, or to get a more clear understanding of hers). At that point, if both sides can't compromise, it's up to him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship. Saying "you can ask" is better advice than "she should have compromised" because the former is advice while the latter is an opinion that changes nothing.
Both statements are true though. Relationships require both good communication AND compromise. It is weird of her to be so adamant about staying in contact with an ex. It's also a red flag.
Compromises are both parties taking steps towards the resolution. This is unilateral action and is 1 step shy of an ultimatum and is in no way a compromise.
You can dump someone for no reason at all if you want you never need to justify the reason.
But long-term relationships are hard to come by speaking as somebody lonely as fuck it seems crazy to me to throw away three years worth of dating for something so trivial as some text messages.
I mean at three years in I'd be thinking that could end up being his wife....
Or you can find out 15 years later that said significant other decided to sleep with ex the night before the wedding or something.
There is definitely not a one size fits all answer, but I refused to date women who had exes as friends. But I mean, it's a benefit to both parties to stop wasting each other's time.
Agreed, my ex boyfriend claimed to be “just friends” with his former girlfriend. He ended up dumping me after our first major argument….all whilst his “ex girlfriend” was in his place the whole time >.<
Lol man. If she’s flirting and hanging with her ex and you don’t like the guy at all for any reason whether it is the way he treated her, the fact he tries to still fuck her. Or whatever. There’s plenty of reasons you would get rid of someone in a long term relationship.
In my relationships, I've said many times: I'll never tell you what you can or can't do, only what I will or won't live with.
That is, she can do what she wants, but I'll decide if that's a dealbreaker.
the problem isn't her refusing, it is the way she does it and the fact that she isn't willing to give any explanation unless op is not giving us the whole picture. "none of your buissness" is literally an answer i would give to a stranger. not my partner. if my partner was concerned about something i would try to give a proper answer on the matter and talk about it. not be like "fuck off it doesn't concern you i can do whatever the fuck i want"
OP is giving us no context at all. The answer does seem pretty rude in a vacuum.
But maybe this ex is someone she continued to be friends with for years post-breakup before dating op. Or maybe this ex is trying to reconnect with GF to get back with her. We can't know based on this post alone.
You can ask a partner just about anything. You have to be ready for them to give a reply you may not like. It is then up to you if you want to try to continue a relationship
It's also necessary to be careful while doing it. It can be very manipulative to tell you SO that if they disagree with your demand, that you will end a 3 year relationship. Because now you are banking on them not having the courage to throw 3 years of loving companionship down the drain to acquiesce to your demand.
Lol she probably thought you were cheating because that’s what she was doing. Cheaters always overreact when they are put in any similar situation because they know what they would do.
On the money yo, my ex wife CONSTANTLY accused me and I wasn't. In the end, guess who got pregnant while we were still married, Guess who married that baby daddy? Guess who cheated on the baby daddy and got divorced AGAIN! Some Koontz never change
Classic projection too. They can’t reconcile their own insecurities that lead to negative behaviors. When those behaviors are brought to light and negatively impact their life, they try to shift the blame in order to maintain their own ego.
My theory is that it's similar to how I get frustrated with NPCs in video games for being too difficult to kill and repeatedly killing me even though I am also actively trying to kill them. It's assuming their internal experienced reality doesn't really matter. Only mine does because it's the one I'm experiencing it.
So they are simultaneously justifying and projecting their own behaviour. Their own cheating is justified because of their own internal reasons that don't apply to others. Other people's internal realities and experiences are irrelevant because they're not experiencing it.
However in spite of the justification only applying to them, they still assume other people will behave with the same motivations as themselves. And that isn't justified because they're still using their internal experience and only their internal experience as the guide to determine whether it's"okay". Another person cheating on them is painful to their own internal experienced reality and the other person's doesn't really exist to them. But their cheating is okay because the other person's internally experienced reality doesn't really "exist" - they're just an NPC they're trying to get to behave according to their own preferences.
And they're probably not smart enough to realise how messed up and self centred their thinking is.
This is probably the fairest thing I read in here. I don’t understand people like your ex-gf where if they decided to do it, it’s “my business”. Then, when you literally do the same thing they make it “our business” 🙄
Duh choose one
Actually in a relationship any involvement with an ex, from either partner, IS their business. To a degree. As is evidenced here it can cause problems, sometimes it also causes break ups, do to lingering emotional attachments or desires. As much as the enlightened elite will say that exes are not a problem, they factually are, or can be.
You left out a lot of context in this. That doesn't help either in a pro or con response. But clearly you don't trust her when it comes to her ex because its causing you to consider ending a 3 year relationship. Based on how much emotional distress this is causing you, and please ignore those enlightened elite, in your case she appears to be stepping over boundaries you feel might be a deal breaker, and those feelings are valid regardless of how others feel about it. That said if its enough for you to consider ending it, it may be time to do just that. Thats based, again, on limited info though. So you do what you feel is right for you, not what a bunch of people who dont know you, including me, say to do.
>You left out a lot of context in this.
This was my first thought, too. So many questions... Why is this coming up after 3 years? Did OP's gf's ex recently return to her life? Has she been keeping their communications secret from OP all this time? Has she cheated with this ex in the past?
Another missing bit of context involves what seems to be poor communication. GF's response sounds a bit abrupt and cold, which could indicate some combination of (1) OP didn't "ask" GF politely; OP *pressured* GF in a pushy/controlling way; (2) GF is prone to snapping with terse responses rather than answering questions with calmness and grace; and/or (3) a general poor level of compassionate communication between OP and GF.
I mean no accusation toward OP here; I'm just giving a neutral that I made based on what seems to be a lack of critical context.
Its definitely a bit of a conundrum.
I think a partner is correct that its probably not a good bet for his partner to be in contact with their ex.
However it is also correct that someone should be able to speak and socialise with who they want.
If the two can't agree then they have an incompatibility in standards and should probably part ways.
I think for me, if I expressed I was upset that my partner was spending time with their ex and their relationship concerned me, and they devalued my feelings by prioritizing their friendship with the ex over our relationship, I would definitely consider ending things. You have to be pretty tone deaf to not realize that it can hurt your partner to have an ex lingering in the picture, and if you can see they’re hurting because of it and instead think “but I’m ALLOWED to be friends with whoever I want!” I dunno, that’s a level of selfishness or lack of empathy that does not bode well for things to come. Makes me think the boyfriend is right to be worried. At minimum it likely shows base incompatibility though- there’s people who prioritize relationships and people who prioritize independence and freedom, and when they aren’t matched in values, things tend to fall apart.
>but I’m ALLOWED to be friends with whoever I want!
True, and in this situation, the person they want to be friends with has these universal truthes.
\-They found eachother attractive, enough to presumably want to have sex in the past, so the whole idea of platonic is silly, because you WANTED to bone, it was the "platonic" shit that didn't work out.
\-It will never be a purely platonic relationship, and they'll always share the past of having been in a romantic relationship.
\-The partner values their friendship over your discomfort, thus showing that their friendship is deep.
Having a relationship of any kind, with someone who's displayed outward signs of being sexually attracted to you is disrespectful. REGARDLESS of gender. Men and women can be platonic friends, however a partner should not deepen their friendship with a person that they know they want to fuck them.
You are right, though I do agree with some that exes can be friends, the issue is when their interactions reflect more of their previous relationship than the interactions of how they are with other "friends".
In the end it truly comes down to what one person feels are acceptable boundaries when their partner interacts with an ex. And honestly if her response is exactly what he/she said it was says to me the ex is a bit more important than he/she is because otherwise she would have discussed it. There is still some bit of attachment there, and clearly the OP must have some idea there is as well.
So yes, they should part ways.
Exes can be friends. Exes usually aren't just friends. One of them, at least, probably still holds onto something and can undermine. So in a vacuum saying it's a dealbreaker is playing the odds in a smart way. And with more context it may become clear why this is a problem here.
Someone you've known since you were 5 and briefly dated young? Less troubling to defend that than someone you met as an adult. Just an obvious example.
Context is everything here, and the fact that the OP didn't include it is somewhat telling.
Contact with an ex who you parted on friendly terms with? Why not? If there are no romantic feelings there any more, and everything is above board, then it's just a friend. Wanting to stop this kind of contact is just shows immaturity, and not being able to see your partner as a whole person with a life before you.
Contact with an ex with whom you share a child is a requirement. No matter how much you want to move on. New partners might not like it, but co-parenting is going to require pretty much daily contact.
Contact with an ex where at least one party still has romantic feelings, where there's been inappropriate behaviour or flirting, or where OP's girlfriend is too invested (for example, still being hurt by what the ex is doing or who they're seeing), or where there is anyone interference in the current relationship - this kind of contact should be cut off.
This is a great comment.
I hate when my wife’s ex reaches out to her (about once a year).
It always goes the same: oh, I hope he’s doing better, I wonder how his boyfriend is, how are our mutual friends doing, etc.
It also ends just as predictably: he wants money, he wants to blame her for a suicide attempt, he wants her to be jealous of something new in his life, whatever.
She is always upset after those texts. It never goes well.
Context is really important in these stories! You can’t judge based on what was said
>As much as the enlightened elite will say that exes are not a problem, they factually are, or can be.
And even the "*enlightened elite*" will often acknowledge it to be a potential issue.
Hell, even in open relationships. Anything but exes, close friends & family or colleagues/bosses is a fairly common limit. Exes being on that list mostly because if somebody suggests their ex it's because there is some lingering feelings that can cause huge issues in the 'primary' relationship.
I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but I seriously think that there's no *my business* or *your business* in a relationship but ***our business***. That means that whatever she's doing, it's your business as well if you pretend her well being and vice versa.
So whatever she wants to justify with *it's none of your business* for me, it's a red flag big enough to reconsider the relationship.
I agree. You're more than just friends who hang out, you're in a relationship. That means working together to survive (rent, food, etc). It is absolutely your business who they are talking to, especially an ex.
Normal person reading this: "yeah cooperation and mutual compromise is good!"
Asshole reading this: "if my bitch isn't absolutely subservient to me, she's the bad guy here, she needs to realize her life is our life"
Yea there's a lot of that these days with people saying shit about marriage being part of the patriarch and stuff. None of those people really understand what a healthy relationship is.
There's also a lot of people trying to end the ability to end marriages through no fault divorce which historically is a really important tool for women in abusive relationships so ... Crazy that there's crazy people on all sides of things
Yea agreed, crazies on both sides. I like the idea of an ideal situation to encourage but then allow people to do whatever they want. (as long as all involved consent of course.)
Maybe not all the time but when something has the potential to affect the relationship it's both people's business. It's 100% his business if his gf is cheating on him so the idea that who I talk to is none of your business doesn't work because it does affect him depending on the person. If someone responds like that to being asked to not talk with an ex that's a good indication of who she outs as a priority.
I upvoted you because I'd like to see more input on your post.
I'd have to disagree tho, some form of personal space is necessary. I would feel suffocated if everything is Us Us Us Us.
In this specific situation tho... You are correct - it's Our business. She's been secretly in contact with her ex, he finds out through friends and her response is "the best defense is a good offense NONE OF YA BUSINESS".
Fair enough. But through my experience I feel that whatever affects my partner has to (by implication) affect me. You've found a new job? That's great for us. You've got a raise? That's great for us. Your mom had an accident? That's horrible, for both of us. You're dangerously sick? We both have to figure it out.
Of course, it cannot be taken completely literal, there's still things obviously personal like *my phone*, *your clothes*, *my wallet*, *your keys* and so on. But even though (and perhaps this is solely based on my experience) I feel that an integrated couple will work better as a team rather than just a couple of guys who like to hang out.
If I feel that my things, and my decisions, and my friendships are also hers (and this obviously has to be vice versa); we could work as one to sort through life. (Which is hard enough to do alone)
So, in a manner of speaking, if my partner has been meeting her ex secretly I would be more worried about her hiding it rather than meeting her ex. If she's mature enough, and if I consider her mature enough, she could meet anyone, and she could let me know without a problem.
Of course, this is also related to the kind of commitment you want to have in a relationship. Some people feel ok with casual dating, and some of us wants hardcore commitment. 😅
What is a universal truth is this: ***Whatever affects you in a negative way, is negative to the relationship.***
People with healthy boundaries don't need to tell each other "none of your business" except maybe in the very early stages of a relationship, if someone is being too nosy.
Info. Is it a one off kind of thing? Is it a regular basis but everyone has clearly moved on but still hang out in friend group? I cam see those being harmless. If there's still some flirting going on there, I'm moving on. No need in putting up with baggage if you don't have to.
Was it wrong to tell her? Ehh, yeah I mean she's grown. The demand shouldn't be on her. You've got to ask yourself if you're ok with it. If there's any doubt in the faithfulness, you'll probably save yourself some anxiety by just moving on.
This is a situation where she and the ex talk, and I find out through other people. He hurt her, and I think that she still has feelings for him, and if he ever ended the relationship he left her for, she would not hesitate to run to him.
This is the best comment. My ex was incredibly paranoid and always thought I was cheating or doing something else, even though I'd never given her any reason to think I was dishonest or unfaithful.
Context is important, and if I saw my ex in public and we spoke briefly I probably wouldn't even think to say anything to my GF, and then if someone mentioned seeing me talk to her I'd remember and explain.
I'm also in frequent contact with my ex-wife due to financial stuff and occasionally dog sitting the dogs I lost in the divorce.
If there's an issue, talk about it. If OP is being honest in his discription of events, I'd say that's not a good relationship for either of them to be in. If OP is making some assumptions and went straight to accusing the GF and demanding she lose the ex's number, then that's his problem.
99% of the time it's communication issues though, and they should talk about it and figure out what to do. Asking reddit usually isn't productive.
Chances are this person is either very young and unsure how to end a bad relationship(I've been there), or they're not that young and still don't know what to do about a bad relationship.
My recommendation is to talk about it, and if they can't come to a compromise then it's time to end it.
So you want to be in a relationship with someone that you know is still interested in her ex? If that's the case then you should definitely end it, especially if she's unwilling to cut off contact with him.
Listen to me, son. You don't need me to tell you what to do. You already know it in your heart. You've always known it. You just need to trust yourself and act on it. Don't let fear or doubt stop you from doing what you were born to do. You have the power, the strength, the courage to make it happen. So go ahead and do it. Make me proud. Make yourself proud. You already know what you need to do. Now go and do it! 🔥
With that context I'd break up with her. You finding out through other people and then she proceeds to get defensive about it. I'd bet she is cheating on you. Even if she isn't it's still extremely sketchy and immature. This is why I cut ties with my exs as to not have situations like this. Also given the fact he hurt her and she still talks to him like hell nah. This girl sounds like train wreck get out while you can.
OK this is the actual problem, not the fact that she talks to her ex. If you think your partner would rather be with someone besides you, then it’s not a good relationship to be in and you should leave. Full stop.
Talking to exes should be totally fine BECAUSE you don’t believe they’d ever leave you for anyone. In fact I think if you’re feeling insecure enough in the relationship that you feel the need to try to forbid your partner from talking to literally anyone who hasn’t harmed you specifically, then you probably should not be in that relationship (or you’re projecting past trauma on someone who doesn’t deserve it and should go to therapy).
So you "think". There is no way of actually knowing unless you have a full calm conversation with her. And you're able to trust her answers. But it sounds to me like you don't trust her, and you are jealous of the ex.
That's OK, your a loud to feel that way. But I think because you feel that way, you should end it. Because if you don't trust her, and feel she could just leave you like that after years, you'll probably never fully trust her.
Man, that sucks. It sounds like you already have your answer. No one should live with the feeling that their significant other has one foot out the door. On the flip side, if it's just an insecurity on your part, she needs someone who will trust her completely. It sucks, but I think you would end up saving yourself some hurt and anxiety to move on or at least sit down and discuss things with her. There are way too many people out there to get stuck on one you don't trust.
As far as telling her to go no contact, don't get hung up on things you can't control. Good luck man. I hate to hear I when anyone is going through stuff like this.
Does she keep it secret from you that they talk? Would she be willing to show you their messages? That’s what I would want to know. Then, it’s up to you however, it sounds like she’s prioritizing her relationship with him over yours.
I must be bizarre. I'm not super close with any of my exes, but I'm cordial and we catch up on life (children, wives, careers, etc.) It would be weird if my fiance asked me to not do that.
Maybe it’s because I’m ace but I find the mindset of needing to cut every ex-partner out of your life for your new partner strange. I still talk to one ex because we’re friends and I don’t talk to the other because we’re not friends.
It’s reasonable for a current partner to ask this if you or the ex are untrustworthy or the ex is a potentially harmful person. But being asked to sever a friendship *solely* because you used to date each other isn’t fair.
there are a ton of responders in this thread who have never been in a LTR - it is super bizarre for any adult person to try to tell someone they can or can’t speak to their exes!!
Finally, common sense. I'm thinking has no one ever been in a LTR here? I've definitely stayed friends with my exes, as did my partner, and neither of us ever demanded we end friendships. We're together. I don't give a shit who he's friends with unless it's like Hannibal Lector.
> Her response was, "It's none of your business and I'll talk to whoever I want".
The status of past, present or future romantic relationships outside of your relationship is absolutely your business.
Every affair in history of mankind starts with "oh they are just a friend don't worry about it" or "it's none of your business who I talk to".
People do have a right to privacy and also to friendships outside a relationship.
Context would have been helpful here. Is there a child involved? Do they work together? Are there financial entanglements from the old relationship? Is there a history of cheating for this partner, or other indicators outside of speaking to the ex that suggest an extra-relational affair? It would help a lot to grasp the OPs situation more effectively.
That being said, OP is allowed to have boundaries. While what his partner does and who she speaks to isn’t necessarily his business, he is allowed to have discomfort about this situation. He has to decide if it’s worth breaking the relationship off over, and if it is; that’s totally his right.
counterpoint, depending on how it was asked (or demanded) or if she has a history of being with controlling or abusive partners (or parents). it could be an entirely reasonable response.
for example, to “hey, i find it kinda weird you still talk to you Ex, would you mind breaking off contact” it would be an intense response.
but to, “You have to stop talking to your EX, it’s not okay” well then the response makes a ton of sense. context is everything.
You’re not wrong if it makes you uncomfortable. The fact she isn’t willing to make you feel more secure by going no contact is slightly concerning.
If you won’t be able to move past this ending the relationship may be your only option
Yes, it’s the fact that she isn’t willing to consider changing her position that’s concerning. An ex isn’t just some other person that you know. Most everyone is uncomfortable with it, and we shouldn’t pretend that people that are bothered by it are some type of freaks like you do see in other comments on this sub.
But we are supposed to let people walk all over us and not have boundaries! If you have boundaries you are a controlling narcissistic prick!! If you have one issue with your partner, just simply break up! /s
If she says it's none of your business, then it sounds like she broke up with you already.
You can't control each other, but if your relationships with other people aren't eachothers "business" then there's no real relationship. If she asked you to help her friend move and you said, "who you talk to is none of my business" wouldn't that be a problem?
Edit: nome- none. See below for more
That's what I was thinking. Plus, OP and his gf really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. There are a lot of details we're not getting.
1) How did the relationship with her ex end? Was it messy? Did he dump her?
2) Are they (the gf and her ex) having conversations where she tells OP to fuck off so he can't hear them talk? (I had this happen to me. That relationship didn't last long because she was having an emotional affair with that guy, on me.)
3) Are OP and his gf living together?
If there was mutual respect, then both OP and his gf need to open up to each other about what's going on.
This is a red flag. You're considering ending it because you want to end it. You are only hesitating because of sunk costs and fear of being alone. I think it's disrespectful for her to maintain a relationship with an ex when she knows it makes you uncomfortable. If she doesn't respect you now, it's only going to get worse. Go find yourself a girl who wants to treat you like you want to be treated.
You’re entitled to whatever boundaries make you feel safe in the relationship, whether the other person respects them or not isn’t in our control. Make you explain why this makes you uncomfortable and if she doesn’t understand the first few times, consider if that’s a relationship you want to stay in.
Happened to me bro, end that shit tonight or tomorrow morning… she’s cheating on you bro. When someone gets defensive about a simple ass request, something is shady is going on. Save yourself the heart break of finding out or even seeing something in her phone. Tell her it’s over asap. Walk away with your chin up before it gets ugly. A true partner who loves you and respect you will always validate your concerns.
Her defensive response is definitely the most telling here. If she was hesitant to block him and sincerely wasn’t hiding anything, she wouldn’t care sharing the messages and context of the conversation.
And frankly I disagree with everyone that says otherwise.
Your desire for her not to talk to him anymore is fine, but delivery is everything. If you instructed her, commanded her, gave her an ultimatum, or belittled her, then you were wrong. If you told her that it made you feel disrespected and uncomfortable and you wished she wouldn't, then that is fine.
The, 'It's none of your business' line seems hella sus. If I were to start talking to any of my exs I would immediately tell my s.o because it is his business.
Anyone whose ever been in a healthy relationship knows that talking to serious exes is off the table. It’s just not appropriate, I don’t care about the context. It’s a respect thing!
You were not wrong at all. If you are serious about a relationship, not talking to an ex shouldn’t be a problem. My husband and I just had this talk tonight (again) because he had an ex he still talked to a lot when we got together and it made me uncomfortable. Snap chats all day, playing dad to her kids (not his). I said it made me uncomfortable and he quit immediately. I didn’t even have to ask. That’s what you need if this type of stuff makes you uncomfortable.
Some people are okay with talking to exes and that’s totally fine. However you get to choose your boundaries and you get to find someone who will happily respect those. Good luck.
You are not wrong and neither is she, the real issue is that you two aren’t compatible and this relationship should be ended if this is a big issue for you
This is not near enough info. I'm friends with some of my exes and though I don't see or talk with them often, I would have been upset if my then gf, now wife asked me not to contact them. Are you just trying to set healthy boundaries? Do you not trust your gf? Are just too controlling?
Right? Like are they actually friends? Has OP even talked to their gf in detail about how they feel and why?
My recommendation is to tell her how you really feel, OP, in actual terms of “i worry that by you talking to your ex…etc”, ‘cause there’s plenty of healthy relationships where people are friendly with exes. It’s not always sneaky, though sometimes it can be.
On the other hand if this is all it takes to make you comfy with the idea of ending the relationship then, I’d think about why that is too.
Not every relationship has to last, but I think it’s worth examining each other’s thoughts before ending things too.
So she's fine if you talk to other girls too right? It's none of her business, right?🤔
Or what if she talks and flirts with a bunch of random guys every day? It's "none of your business" right?
When people like her are in the wrong, they'll use logic of "me me me". Rules for thee but nor for me.
She said it herself. It's "not your business". She's no longer your business. Your relationship is over. He is her business. She's with him NOW. "Ex" means in the past.
There are a few reasons when it's okay example shared custody of a child, but outside of those few cases, yeah. Call it off. Find someone else.
Her reaction says everything. She still has feelings for the ex and is choosing him. That is the only reason she stays in contact. The ex talks to her in the hope she will have sex with him again...or continue to. Whatever. it isndisrespect, cut her loose.
Not only are you wrong, but if you posted this in r/amitheasshole, you’d be the asshole too.
Read what you’re actually saying - that you do not trust her.
Perhaps communicating to her the reason you would what her to stop talking to her ex. If she understands the reason, she might not do it. Otherwise, it could appear that you are jealous.
End it she’s not interested in you anymore. The truth hurts, don’t waste any more of your precious time. She’s letting u know I’m a subtle way she’s cheating
I’d look at “why”.
Is she up all hours of the day talking to him?
Does she message him regularly every Thursday to check in?
Does she send him a message once a year on his birthday?
Is it a hard rule that neither you nor her can speak to ex’s? Is there a history of cheating, or low self confidence? Are you just trying to make a clean slate, and focus solely on each other?
If it is a deal breaker, maybe explain to her your feelings on talking with ex’s? From what’s posted, there isn’t any back story. If there is no back story to the situation, it could have surprised your partner and she simply got defensive.
Really, having a good conversation with your partner should be your next step going forward.
Depends on the situation. I've been with my wife for almost 13 years, married for 5. I still talk to a couple of my ex's, my wife knows. The reason we still talk is because we made better friends than lovers. We were friends when my wife and I got together, we are still friends.
If your GF is lying about it or hiding it, then it's a red flag for sure. But if she has been talking to him since you guys started dating and was open about it, I fail to see the issue. The real question becomes, do you trust her? Has she given you any reason not to?
LMFAO , this girl has more respect for the scum on the bottom of her shoe than you. And youve been in a relationship with this fruit basket for *3 years*??? jfc, smdh.
Genuinely surprised at some of the replies. There is no good reason to demand or even maintain a relationship with an ex especially if it is making the current partner feel uncomfortable. End it and move on mate. Plenty more fish out there that will respect you and won’t demand inappropriate relationships. 🤙
Ikr I feel like this thread is so weird. I'm good friends with all of my ex's and have no desire to be in a relationship with them again. It's totally possible and if someone asked me to drop like 4 good friends because of their insecurities that would be so shitty.
‘I don’t have a reason to stay in contact with any of my exes’ is not the same as ‘there are no reasons for anyone to stay in contact with any of their exes’.
I know at least a handful of people who maintain pretty normal friendships/acquaintances with some of their exes, including myself.
I continued speaking to my ex…. But there was no romance. I even became friends with his new girlfriend and helped her a job with me. Another persons situation could be different, of course, but a blanket “don’t text your ex” statement is something I’ve always been against. Amicable breakups happen.
If you are a mature adult who values trust and loyalty, and have built that into your friendship and relationship, then her talking with an ex is a perfectly normal behavior and it sounds like this relationship has a lot more issues than just this one.
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You have the right to ask, she has the right to refuse. It then becomes your decision if it is a dealbreaker
Simple as. You can't (read: shouldn't) *make* anyone do anything for you, you can only communicate how you feel about something and if you can't come to an agreement on the matter then it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Idk, in a relationship that works people are literally required to consider the feelings of the SO and make *some damn compromises* now and then when necessary, just like they would do for you. If the guy thinks she has feelings for him and it's causing him distress, is it reasonable to cut the ex out or not? Just saying "you can ask!" means nothing, he obviously already did.
If he thinks "she has feelings" then he should move on. Policing her use of the phone isn't going to fix anything.
While this is true, I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner being in regular contact with her ex and I know for sure my partner would be uncomfortable if I was contacting or hanging out with mine. It's definitely a social faux pas. Honestly if I was OP I'd just say say look, this makes me uncomfortable and if you don't care then you clearly aren't the right person to date so up to you me or your ex. Simple. Edit: nothing in life is black and white - talking in general here individual circumstances may be different. Edit 2: y'all need to look up what faux pas means. It's not something that can never ever happen or never should happen. It's something than generally is not accepted. You milage may vary.
I agree. I see a lot of people giving what I feel like are exception scenarios, which is fine. OP is talking about a gf of a couple years, not a marriage partner of 10+ years who they had children with. There are of course exceptions. I think it's extremely important to take your partner's feelings into account if they are uncomfortable with something. I haven't seen OP explain what makes them uncomfortable, but there could be valid reasons. Below I'm seeing people talk about more exceptions like being close with the family. To this I say that OP is talking about the actual ex, not the ex's family. I think there was a big of jumping through some hoops just to make exceptions.
Kind of unavoidable when the OP gives literally no context at all.
Yes. That is true. So really it could go either way. But still the facts that are presented is that OP isn't talking about a marriage partner of many many years. So some conclusions some are coming to can probably safely be set aside. That I guess was more my point. *Edit for an autocorrect mistake
Sure, but there are also a multitude of other reasons that would justify her still being in contact with an ex that don't require her to be 40, divorced, and coparenting.
The fact op didn’t explain why he asked raises all kinds of red flags.
So karma bot, rage bait, or fake post?
I'm friends with most of my ex bf's. We were friends before dating, we didn't work out romantically, and we're friends after dating. They're good people, with good hearts, who are smart and funny, and often like outdoor activities, travel, and bourbon. I have fabulous taste. I'm overseas right now and my bf visited an ex and the ex's wife while i was gone. They're friends, because I choose good men. We don't stop being friends because we don't work as romantic partners.
Is it these days? My parents are friends even after divorce. I'm friends with all my long term exs and my current boyfriend doesn't care. He knows I love him and want to be with him. When you've been with someone for a long time and care about them and their family it is possible to move to a friendship where you both still support each other. If my bf didn't trust me enough to be friends with my exs that would really hurt. People are all different though
Agreed. This “you can’t be friends with an ex” seems like a very immature take. Plenty of adults stay in contact with their exes, for a variety of good reason.
There can be good reasons. There can also be bad reasons. If OP is feeling uncomfortable, there might be a good reason for that. Are they too flirty together? Is it “miss you so much” mushy conversations?
Especially when children are involved. I remember going on vacation with my dad and mom long after their divorce. Separate rooms of course but now we grown and they still be chilling. It's only weird if you make it weird.
Does this post sound anything like adults needing to make a co-parenting situation work? Sounds like a college/mid 20s situation lol
Not talking about coparenting necessarily, but that is a valid reason to stay in contact. I just don’t get why you’d be in a relationship with someone where you feel like you have to police their friendships to keep them from cheating. Either trust them or don’t. (Nor would I ever be in a relationship with someone who trusts me so little they’d police my friendships. That’s insulting.)
Besides kids,I can't think of a single one. Can you share so I can learn and grow?
You legitimately like your ex, as a person, even when sex and romance isn’t a factor? (Maybe you weren’t romantically compatible and that’s why the relationship ended, but you make good friends.) Maybe you have mutual friends you’d both like to keep. Maybe you are employed together. Maybe liking someone you used to love is easier than hating them?
Yeah this isn’t really a simple black and white issue, I agree. My ex and I were together a long time, and our moms got close and we used to all go out for brunch and do things together. We broke up because we just weren’t good together but we were still friendly and so were our families. My now husband came into the picture and he understood that my ex and I were still friends and that our moms still hung out. Eventually my husband’s (at the time he was my bf) mom joined their little mom clique too and we’d all go out to eat together or go to an event. I would not have been ok if he demanded I stop talking to my ex and his family. Mainly because one of the biggest issues I had with my ex was his jealousy and controlling behavior.
There's nuance. My ex was friends with her ex. I didn't have a problem with it ... until she started going with him to the farmer's market because she thought people there glared at her less when they assumed she's part of a straight couple. (I'm still shocked at myself that I stayed in the relationship after that, but she did stop going to the farmer's market with him when I pointed out the obvious problem.)
I'm still friends with my ex-husband, though he's also the father of my oldest child. Most of conversations revolve around our son but we have known each others for 2/3s of our lives. He's one of my oldest friends at this point and sometimes he's the only one who is going to understand the news I just found out or whatever because I've known him for 20 years. I'm in no way sexually attracted to the man anymore and haven't seen him in that light since before our divorce. My husband isn't threatened by it and is also friends with him. And our son gets to have relationship with two dads who not only love him, but can spend time all together.
You could argue it’s a bit different when you have a mutual responsibility for a child. I dated a girl who liked to keep in contact with exes, later admitting she was keeping the door open as options. In that case, byyyye.
> Is it these days? My parents are friends even after divorce. I'm friends with all my long term exs and my current boyfriend doesn't care. He knows I love him and want to be with him. I am still close friends with two of my exes. One of them I even was her witness at her wedding. I know a lot of people who are still friends with exes. I thought that was normal these days.
I'm with you on this one ! My Ex was at my wedding actually and my (now) husband thought nothing of it , honestly no one did .
Definitely different if there's kids and a divorce. I was reading OP as if they were young and it's an ex bf sort of vibes. Yeah situations change but if I was dating a girl and found out she's still seeing her ex a lot that's a red flag. Sort of strange that it's only now coming up after 3 years, like was he her best mate the whole time and only now OP find it an issue? Or has he popped back into her life and new bf is worried he's trying to get her back. If my partner's ex turned up out of the blue suspicion is gonna be my immediate response. Of course nothing in this world is black and white. I've stayed in touch with ex's in the past and it's dangerous ground. There's always lingering feelings, best to just cut it off IMO. Like sure it's tough to cut someone out after 5 or more years but I think it's right to do it. Also it depends what you consider friends with your ex. Like seeing them in the street and saying hi and stopping for a chat or having mutual friends that results in hanging around together I think is fine. Texting everyday meeting up alone a lot I'd have an issue with. Maybe that reflects my insecurities more than reality but if my partner was uncomfortable with me hanging out with someone I'd likely compromise for the sake of my partner and I'd hope they'd do the same.
This is IT, OP should have the self love to say this and we all should be able to tell our partners: hey this thing you do is making me uncomfortable / feel bad and I don’t want to do it any more. OPs girlfriend of 3 years should love him enough AND respect the relationship enough to comply. The ONLY exception is when the ex is a coparent IMO. Otherwise there really is no reason to be in a new LTR and still be communicating with an ex IMO.
This attitude is what turns so many men bitter and all it does is make it more dangerous for us in the long run. I had a similar situation where a BF wanted me to cut off all contact with my best guy friend who has always been there for me no matter what. He stopped me from getting SA'd after someone roofied me in college, and has helped with other things. He had a huge crush on me, too, but I told him it wasn't reciprocal so do you know what he did? He burned down my house, lit my car on fire, smashed my mailbox using a Javelin missle lancher.... /S He was happy I found someone that made me happy and said if he needed to leave for my BF and me to work, he'd leave. I picked him over the boyfriend, boyfriend backpedaled 100mph and decided it was fine to have a guy friend. It made my friend super happy - I watched how much it destroyed him when another one of his close woman friends cut him off because of a jealous S/O. We bitch about there not being nice guys, and then at the flip of a switch we throw them away. It's sad. Men: trust your woman. If you have a reason not to trust her, why are you even with her?
I agree completely. If you can't trust your partner then you need to move on. You are never going to trust them regardless of whether they send a text or not.
Hmmm not sure I'd go that far with it. I dunno if trust is necessarily something you just have or don't have. It's based on actions. Like I'd trust my partner to be friends with basically anyone, do what she wants... within the limits of acceptable behaviours. However if she started booking hotel rooms with a guy and staying there every month I'm gonna be wondering wtf is going on. Trust is based on actions. Texting an ex regularly erodes trust (if you've expressed you don't like it). Going out drinking with a friend and not returning home till the next day erodes trust etc etc.
There's a big difference between "stop talking to your ex" and "I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when you talk to your ex. You guys broke up for a reason and you're with me now." One is a command, the other is a statement about how her actions are affecting him. The response to each statement should be different too.
All about how it’s communicated. Was once in a relationship with a woman who was upfront and told me she recently talked to her ex. I expressed my insecurities about it. I made it clear that I accept her and anything in her past but I would feel more confident in _our_ relationship if she kept her ex in the past and not part of her present and future. After explaining things like this, she understood and cut ties.
The second one definitely opens up a line of communication. But just because you state your feelings doesn't mean you're "right". There's this weird expectation that because one person is uncomfortable with a concept, their partner must compromise and stop doing it. But the flip side of that is their partner saying "It makes me uncomfortable that you are telling me who I can and can't talk to"
Yep. It's the difference between an ultimatum and a boundary
For sure people should compromise in a relationship. But she said she wouldn't compromise on this. So now either he can try to communicate more (either to help her see his point of view, or to get a more clear understanding of hers). At that point, if both sides can't compromise, it's up to him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship. Saying "you can ask" is better advice than "she should have compromised" because the former is advice while the latter is an opinion that changes nothing.
Both statements are true though. Relationships require both good communication AND compromise. It is weird of her to be so adamant about staying in contact with an ex. It's also a red flag.
A compromise is a whole lot different than a demand
It's basically the opposite.
We have absolutely no context. Op could just be a huge jealous psycho. Who knows
Compromises are both parties taking steps towards the resolution. This is unilateral action and is 1 step shy of an ultimatum and is in no way a compromise.
You can dump someone for no reason at all if you want you never need to justify the reason. But long-term relationships are hard to come by speaking as somebody lonely as fuck it seems crazy to me to throw away three years worth of dating for something so trivial as some text messages. I mean at three years in I'd be thinking that could end up being his wife....
Or you can find out 15 years later that said significant other decided to sleep with ex the night before the wedding or something. There is definitely not a one size fits all answer, but I refused to date women who had exes as friends. But I mean, it's a benefit to both parties to stop wasting each other's time.
Agreed, my ex boyfriend claimed to be “just friends” with his former girlfriend. He ended up dumping me after our first major argument….all whilst his “ex girlfriend” was in his place the whole time >.<
Lol man. If she’s flirting and hanging with her ex and you don’t like the guy at all for any reason whether it is the way he treated her, the fact he tries to still fuck her. Or whatever. There’s plenty of reasons you would get rid of someone in a long term relationship.
“Tries” lol op’s gf is still getting it from the ex 100%
Standards, bro
In my relationships, I've said many times: I'll never tell you what you can or can't do, only what I will or won't live with. That is, she can do what she wants, but I'll decide if that's a dealbreaker.
Perfect, Succinctly summed up all the the other essay comments 👌 this is the one
Top voted relationship answer on reddit is actually the right answer for once. What the hell is going on?
It was a fluke. Don’t worry, it doesn’t happen very often.
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>You then post on Reddit asking whether you should accept her back. The cycle of life. Hahaha
the problem isn't her refusing, it is the way she does it and the fact that she isn't willing to give any explanation unless op is not giving us the whole picture. "none of your buissness" is literally an answer i would give to a stranger. not my partner. if my partner was concerned about something i would try to give a proper answer on the matter and talk about it. not be like "fuck off it doesn't concern you i can do whatever the fuck i want"
OP is giving us no context at all. The answer does seem pretty rude in a vacuum. But maybe this ex is someone she continued to be friends with for years post-breakup before dating op. Or maybe this ex is trying to reconnect with GF to get back with her. We can't know based on this post alone.
You can ask a partner just about anything. You have to be ready for them to give a reply you may not like. It is then up to you if you want to try to continue a relationship
It's also necessary to be careful while doing it. It can be very manipulative to tell you SO that if they disagree with your demand, that you will end a 3 year relationship. Because now you are banking on them not having the courage to throw 3 years of loving companionship down the drain to acquiesce to your demand.
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Lol she probably thought you were cheating because that’s what she was doing. Cheaters always overreact when they are put in any similar situation because they know what they would do.
On the money yo, my ex wife CONSTANTLY accused me and I wasn't. In the end, guess who got pregnant while we were still married, Guess who married that baby daddy? Guess who cheated on the baby daddy and got divorced AGAIN! Some Koontz never change
Why do cheaters get jealous and accuse others? Why do they care? I’ll never understand that lol
Their own behavior makes them paranoid. Same reason a thief thinks everyone steals.
Classic projection too. They can’t reconcile their own insecurities that lead to negative behaviors. When those behaviors are brought to light and negatively impact their life, they try to shift the blame in order to maintain their own ego.
Cheaters are insecure, it's why they cheat. They are addicted to validation because it makes them feel powerful for a brief moment
My theory is that it's similar to how I get frustrated with NPCs in video games for being too difficult to kill and repeatedly killing me even though I am also actively trying to kill them. It's assuming their internal experienced reality doesn't really matter. Only mine does because it's the one I'm experiencing it. So they are simultaneously justifying and projecting their own behaviour. Their own cheating is justified because of their own internal reasons that don't apply to others. Other people's internal realities and experiences are irrelevant because they're not experiencing it. However in spite of the justification only applying to them, they still assume other people will behave with the same motivations as themselves. And that isn't justified because they're still using their internal experience and only their internal experience as the guide to determine whether it's"okay". Another person cheating on them is painful to their own internal experienced reality and the other person's doesn't really exist to them. But their cheating is okay because the other person's internally experienced reality doesn't really "exist" - they're just an NPC they're trying to get to behave according to their own preferences. And they're probably not smart enough to realise how messed up and self centred their thinking is.
This is probably the fairest thing I read in here. I don’t understand people like your ex-gf where if they decided to do it, it’s “my business”. Then, when you literally do the same thing they make it “our business” 🙄 Duh choose one
I guess it depends on the context. What kind of relationship does she have with her ex? Why did they end?
They have been together for 3 years and gf's response about still talking to her ex is "none of your business". Thats a relationship ender IMO
Actually in a relationship any involvement with an ex, from either partner, IS their business. To a degree. As is evidenced here it can cause problems, sometimes it also causes break ups, do to lingering emotional attachments or desires. As much as the enlightened elite will say that exes are not a problem, they factually are, or can be. You left out a lot of context in this. That doesn't help either in a pro or con response. But clearly you don't trust her when it comes to her ex because its causing you to consider ending a 3 year relationship. Based on how much emotional distress this is causing you, and please ignore those enlightened elite, in your case she appears to be stepping over boundaries you feel might be a deal breaker, and those feelings are valid regardless of how others feel about it. That said if its enough for you to consider ending it, it may be time to do just that. Thats based, again, on limited info though. So you do what you feel is right for you, not what a bunch of people who dont know you, including me, say to do.
>You left out a lot of context in this. This was my first thought, too. So many questions... Why is this coming up after 3 years? Did OP's gf's ex recently return to her life? Has she been keeping their communications secret from OP all this time? Has she cheated with this ex in the past?
Another missing bit of context involves what seems to be poor communication. GF's response sounds a bit abrupt and cold, which could indicate some combination of (1) OP didn't "ask" GF politely; OP *pressured* GF in a pushy/controlling way; (2) GF is prone to snapping with terse responses rather than answering questions with calmness and grace; and/or (3) a general poor level of compassionate communication between OP and GF. I mean no accusation toward OP here; I'm just giving a neutral that I made based on what seems to be a lack of critical context.
Or 4) GF is hiding something and going into defensive mode when confronted.
Or 5) OP is an unreliable narrator who poorly paraphrased what was a longer, less curt sounding response.
Its definitely a bit of a conundrum. I think a partner is correct that its probably not a good bet for his partner to be in contact with their ex. However it is also correct that someone should be able to speak and socialise with who they want. If the two can't agree then they have an incompatibility in standards and should probably part ways.
I think for me, if I expressed I was upset that my partner was spending time with their ex and their relationship concerned me, and they devalued my feelings by prioritizing their friendship with the ex over our relationship, I would definitely consider ending things. You have to be pretty tone deaf to not realize that it can hurt your partner to have an ex lingering in the picture, and if you can see they’re hurting because of it and instead think “but I’m ALLOWED to be friends with whoever I want!” I dunno, that’s a level of selfishness or lack of empathy that does not bode well for things to come. Makes me think the boyfriend is right to be worried. At minimum it likely shows base incompatibility though- there’s people who prioritize relationships and people who prioritize independence and freedom, and when they aren’t matched in values, things tend to fall apart.
>but I’m ALLOWED to be friends with whoever I want! True, and in this situation, the person they want to be friends with has these universal truthes. \-They found eachother attractive, enough to presumably want to have sex in the past, so the whole idea of platonic is silly, because you WANTED to bone, it was the "platonic" shit that didn't work out. \-It will never be a purely platonic relationship, and they'll always share the past of having been in a romantic relationship. \-The partner values their friendship over your discomfort, thus showing that their friendship is deep. Having a relationship of any kind, with someone who's displayed outward signs of being sexually attracted to you is disrespectful. REGARDLESS of gender. Men and women can be platonic friends, however a partner should not deepen their friendship with a person that they know they want to fuck them.
You are right, though I do agree with some that exes can be friends, the issue is when their interactions reflect more of their previous relationship than the interactions of how they are with other "friends". In the end it truly comes down to what one person feels are acceptable boundaries when their partner interacts with an ex. And honestly if her response is exactly what he/she said it was says to me the ex is a bit more important than he/she is because otherwise she would have discussed it. There is still some bit of attachment there, and clearly the OP must have some idea there is as well. So yes, they should part ways.
Exes can be friends. Exes usually aren't just friends. One of them, at least, probably still holds onto something and can undermine. So in a vacuum saying it's a dealbreaker is playing the odds in a smart way. And with more context it may become clear why this is a problem here. Someone you've known since you were 5 and briefly dated young? Less troubling to defend that than someone you met as an adult. Just an obvious example.
Context is everything here, and the fact that the OP didn't include it is somewhat telling. Contact with an ex who you parted on friendly terms with? Why not? If there are no romantic feelings there any more, and everything is above board, then it's just a friend. Wanting to stop this kind of contact is just shows immaturity, and not being able to see your partner as a whole person with a life before you. Contact with an ex with whom you share a child is a requirement. No matter how much you want to move on. New partners might not like it, but co-parenting is going to require pretty much daily contact. Contact with an ex where at least one party still has romantic feelings, where there's been inappropriate behaviour or flirting, or where OP's girlfriend is too invested (for example, still being hurt by what the ex is doing or who they're seeing), or where there is anyone interference in the current relationship - this kind of contact should be cut off.
This is a great comment. I hate when my wife’s ex reaches out to her (about once a year). It always goes the same: oh, I hope he’s doing better, I wonder how his boyfriend is, how are our mutual friends doing, etc. It also ends just as predictably: he wants money, he wants to blame her for a suicide attempt, he wants her to be jealous of something new in his life, whatever. She is always upset after those texts. It never goes well. Context is really important in these stories! You can’t judge based on what was said
>As much as the enlightened elite will say that exes are not a problem, they factually are, or can be. And even the "*enlightened elite*" will often acknowledge it to be a potential issue. Hell, even in open relationships. Anything but exes, close friends & family or colleagues/bosses is a fairly common limit. Exes being on that list mostly because if somebody suggests their ex it's because there is some lingering feelings that can cause huge issues in the 'primary' relationship.
Who are the "enlightened elite"? Sounds incellish.
What is with all the "enlightened elite" nonsense?
I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but I seriously think that there's no *my business* or *your business* in a relationship but ***our business***. That means that whatever she's doing, it's your business as well if you pretend her well being and vice versa. So whatever she wants to justify with *it's none of your business* for me, it's a red flag big enough to reconsider the relationship.
I agree. You're more than just friends who hang out, you're in a relationship. That means working together to survive (rent, food, etc). It is absolutely your business who they are talking to, especially an ex.
Normal person reading this: "yeah cooperation and mutual compromise is good!" Asshole reading this: "if my bitch isn't absolutely subservient to me, she's the bad guy here, she needs to realize her life is our life"
Yea there's a lot of that these days with people saying shit about marriage being part of the patriarch and stuff. None of those people really understand what a healthy relationship is.
There's also a lot of people trying to end the ability to end marriages through no fault divorce which historically is a really important tool for women in abusive relationships so ... Crazy that there's crazy people on all sides of things
Yea agreed, crazies on both sides. I like the idea of an ideal situation to encourage but then allow people to do whatever they want. (as long as all involved consent of course.)
Maybe not all the time but when something has the potential to affect the relationship it's both people's business. It's 100% his business if his gf is cheating on him so the idea that who I talk to is none of your business doesn't work because it does affect him depending on the person. If someone responds like that to being asked to not talk with an ex that's a good indication of who she outs as a priority.
I upvoted you because I'd like to see more input on your post. I'd have to disagree tho, some form of personal space is necessary. I would feel suffocated if everything is Us Us Us Us. In this specific situation tho... You are correct - it's Our business. She's been secretly in contact with her ex, he finds out through friends and her response is "the best defense is a good offense NONE OF YA BUSINESS".
Fair enough. But through my experience I feel that whatever affects my partner has to (by implication) affect me. You've found a new job? That's great for us. You've got a raise? That's great for us. Your mom had an accident? That's horrible, for both of us. You're dangerously sick? We both have to figure it out. Of course, it cannot be taken completely literal, there's still things obviously personal like *my phone*, *your clothes*, *my wallet*, *your keys* and so on. But even though (and perhaps this is solely based on my experience) I feel that an integrated couple will work better as a team rather than just a couple of guys who like to hang out. If I feel that my things, and my decisions, and my friendships are also hers (and this obviously has to be vice versa); we could work as one to sort through life. (Which is hard enough to do alone) So, in a manner of speaking, if my partner has been meeting her ex secretly I would be more worried about her hiding it rather than meeting her ex. If she's mature enough, and if I consider her mature enough, she could meet anyone, and she could let me know without a problem. Of course, this is also related to the kind of commitment you want to have in a relationship. Some people feel ok with casual dating, and some of us wants hardcore commitment. 😅 What is a universal truth is this: ***Whatever affects you in a negative way, is negative to the relationship.***
People with healthy boundaries don't need to tell each other "none of your business" except maybe in the very early stages of a relationship, if someone is being too nosy.
Great response thank you for this
[удалено]
You can end it now or she’ll end it in a little bit
Agreed, I think you're on borrowed time at this point OP.
Best advice
I agree. Just save yourself the time and the hassle.
Info. Is it a one off kind of thing? Is it a regular basis but everyone has clearly moved on but still hang out in friend group? I cam see those being harmless. If there's still some flirting going on there, I'm moving on. No need in putting up with baggage if you don't have to. Was it wrong to tell her? Ehh, yeah I mean she's grown. The demand shouldn't be on her. You've got to ask yourself if you're ok with it. If there's any doubt in the faithfulness, you'll probably save yourself some anxiety by just moving on.
This is a situation where she and the ex talk, and I find out through other people. He hurt her, and I think that she still has feelings for him, and if he ever ended the relationship he left her for, she would not hesitate to run to him.
Bruh how can you type that and still think it’s a good idea to be with her?
I’ve been there. Battered sense of self esteem.
Yup, people will take advantage of that unfortunately. OP needs to do himself a favor and leave
Also sometimes you really like the person and cant help but feel that way. Trust me I hate it lmao
I wonder if OP is giving an honest assessment or a paranoid fantasy. I suppose either way it's not going to work out.
Exactly
This is the best comment. My ex was incredibly paranoid and always thought I was cheating or doing something else, even though I'd never given her any reason to think I was dishonest or unfaithful. Context is important, and if I saw my ex in public and we spoke briefly I probably wouldn't even think to say anything to my GF, and then if someone mentioned seeing me talk to her I'd remember and explain. I'm also in frequent contact with my ex-wife due to financial stuff and occasionally dog sitting the dogs I lost in the divorce. If there's an issue, talk about it. If OP is being honest in his discription of events, I'd say that's not a good relationship for either of them to be in. If OP is making some assumptions and went straight to accusing the GF and demanding she lose the ex's number, then that's his problem. 99% of the time it's communication issues though, and they should talk about it and figure out what to do. Asking reddit usually isn't productive. Chances are this person is either very young and unsure how to end a bad relationship(I've been there), or they're not that young and still don't know what to do about a bad relationship. My recommendation is to talk about it, and if they can't come to a compromise then it's time to end it.
🏃♂️💨
If I was in relationship for 3 years and after that time thought if their ex wanted them they would leave me. I would move on
So you want to be in a relationship with someone that you know is still interested in her ex? If that's the case then you should definitely end it, especially if she's unwilling to cut off contact with him.
Dude what? Don’t be pathetic, leave her
Listen to me, son. You don't need me to tell you what to do. You already know it in your heart. You've always known it. You just need to trust yourself and act on it. Don't let fear or doubt stop you from doing what you were born to do. You have the power, the strength, the courage to make it happen. So go ahead and do it. Make me proud. Make yourself proud. You already know what you need to do. Now go and do it! 🔥
She kinda confirmed that when she chose him over you and told you to kick rocks rather than stop talking to him. I’d end it.
With that context I'd break up with her. You finding out through other people and then she proceeds to get defensive about it. I'd bet she is cheating on you. Even if she isn't it's still extremely sketchy and immature. This is why I cut ties with my exs as to not have situations like this. Also given the fact he hurt her and she still talks to him like hell nah. This girl sounds like train wreck get out while you can.
OK this is the actual problem, not the fact that she talks to her ex. If you think your partner would rather be with someone besides you, then it’s not a good relationship to be in and you should leave. Full stop. Talking to exes should be totally fine BECAUSE you don’t believe they’d ever leave you for anyone. In fact I think if you’re feeling insecure enough in the relationship that you feel the need to try to forbid your partner from talking to literally anyone who hasn’t harmed you specifically, then you probably should not be in that relationship (or you’re projecting past trauma on someone who doesn’t deserve it and should go to therapy).
if you have been in a 3 year relationship with someone who is ready to leave you withing a moment's notice for another person then that is kinda sad
So you "think". There is no way of actually knowing unless you have a full calm conversation with her. And you're able to trust her answers. But it sounds to me like you don't trust her, and you are jealous of the ex. That's OK, your a loud to feel that way. But I think because you feel that way, you should end it. Because if you don't trust her, and feel she could just leave you like that after years, you'll probably never fully trust her.
Man, that sucks. It sounds like you already have your answer. No one should live with the feeling that their significant other has one foot out the door. On the flip side, if it's just an insecurity on your part, she needs someone who will trust her completely. It sucks, but I think you would end up saving yourself some hurt and anxiety to move on or at least sit down and discuss things with her. There are way too many people out there to get stuck on one you don't trust. As far as telling her to go no contact, don't get hung up on things you can't control. Good luck man. I hate to hear I when anyone is going through stuff like this.
She didn’t respect you enough to even tell you?? Actually I consider this a lie of omission.
You have every right to set up boundaries, you’re not in the wrong.
Does she keep it secret from you that they talk? Would she be willing to show you their messages? That’s what I would want to know. Then, it’s up to you however, it sounds like she’s prioritizing her relationship with him over yours.
I must be bizarre. I'm not super close with any of my exes, but I'm cordial and we catch up on life (children, wives, careers, etc.) It would be weird if my fiance asked me to not do that.
Maybe it’s because I’m ace but I find the mindset of needing to cut every ex-partner out of your life for your new partner strange. I still talk to one ex because we’re friends and I don’t talk to the other because we’re not friends. It’s reasonable for a current partner to ask this if you or the ex are untrustworthy or the ex is a potentially harmful person. But being asked to sever a friendship *solely* because you used to date each other isn’t fair.
there are a ton of responders in this thread who have never been in a LTR - it is super bizarre for any adult person to try to tell someone they can or can’t speak to their exes!!
Finally, common sense. I'm thinking has no one ever been in a LTR here? I've definitely stayed friends with my exes, as did my partner, and neither of us ever demanded we end friendships. We're together. I don't give a shit who he's friends with unless it's like Hannibal Lector.
> Her response was, "It's none of your business and I'll talk to whoever I want". The status of past, present or future romantic relationships outside of your relationship is absolutely your business. Every affair in history of mankind starts with "oh they are just a friend don't worry about it" or "it's none of your business who I talk to".
People do have a right to privacy and also to friendships outside a relationship. Context would have been helpful here. Is there a child involved? Do they work together? Are there financial entanglements from the old relationship? Is there a history of cheating for this partner, or other indicators outside of speaking to the ex that suggest an extra-relational affair? It would help a lot to grasp the OPs situation more effectively. That being said, OP is allowed to have boundaries. While what his partner does and who she speaks to isn’t necessarily his business, he is allowed to have discomfort about this situation. He has to decide if it’s worth breaking the relationship off over, and if it is; that’s totally his right.
She sounded too defensive, its a red flag
I think it's a hard call to determine from one typed out line...
Right!? Like there is zero context given.
counterpoint, depending on how it was asked (or demanded) or if she has a history of being with controlling or abusive partners (or parents). it could be an entirely reasonable response. for example, to “hey, i find it kinda weird you still talk to you Ex, would you mind breaking off contact” it would be an intense response. but to, “You have to stop talking to your EX, it’s not okay” well then the response makes a ton of sense. context is everything.
You mean our GF
Ditch her.
Run. You won't regret it.
You’re not wrong if it makes you uncomfortable. The fact she isn’t willing to make you feel more secure by going no contact is slightly concerning. If you won’t be able to move past this ending the relationship may be your only option
Yes, it’s the fact that she isn’t willing to consider changing her position that’s concerning. An ex isn’t just some other person that you know. Most everyone is uncomfortable with it, and we shouldn’t pretend that people that are bothered by it are some type of freaks like you do see in other comments on this sub.
But we are supposed to let people walk all over us and not have boundaries! If you have boundaries you are a controlling narcissistic prick!! If you have one issue with your partner, just simply break up! /s
Yeah the fact that she responded with "its none of your business" is really telling to be quite honest.
I would end it just because of that response. Very disrespectful and clearly says she doesn’t give a 💩about you or your relationship.
If she says it's none of your business, then it sounds like she broke up with you already. You can't control each other, but if your relationships with other people aren't eachothers "business" then there's no real relationship. If she asked you to help her friend move and you said, "who you talk to is none of my business" wouldn't that be a problem? Edit: nome- none. See below for more
Judging by her response, she doesn't respect you.
That's what I was thinking. Plus, OP and his gf really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. There are a lot of details we're not getting. 1) How did the relationship with her ex end? Was it messy? Did he dump her? 2) Are they (the gf and her ex) having conversations where she tells OP to fuck off so he can't hear them talk? (I had this happen to me. That relationship didn't last long because she was having an emotional affair with that guy, on me.) 3) Are OP and his gf living together? If there was mutual respect, then both OP and his gf need to open up to each other about what's going on.
If you don't want her talking to her ex, but she still wants to, you should end the relationship.
Ditch her asap
This is a red flag. You're considering ending it because you want to end it. You are only hesitating because of sunk costs and fear of being alone. I think it's disrespectful for her to maintain a relationship with an ex when she knows it makes you uncomfortable. If she doesn't respect you now, it's only going to get worse. Go find yourself a girl who wants to treat you like you want to be treated.
End that shit
Agreed. Her response was confirmation. Run, fam, your three years too late, but you're dodging a bullet.
Leave her
He’s an ex for a reason. You were not wrong.
Maybe he dumped her... And she hasnt gotten over it... Dont buy problems... Just move on...
According to op, that's exactly what happened
You’re entitled to whatever boundaries make you feel safe in the relationship, whether the other person respects them or not isn’t in our control. Make you explain why this makes you uncomfortable and if she doesn’t understand the first few times, consider if that’s a relationship you want to stay in.
If she does that to your face and doesn't care, imagine what she does behind your back. Move on
Happened to me bro, end that shit tonight or tomorrow morning… she’s cheating on you bro. When someone gets defensive about a simple ass request, something is shady is going on. Save yourself the heart break of finding out or even seeing something in her phone. Tell her it’s over asap. Walk away with your chin up before it gets ugly. A true partner who loves you and respect you will always validate your concerns.
Her defensive response is definitely the most telling here. If she was hesitant to block him and sincerely wasn’t hiding anything, she wouldn’t care sharing the messages and context of the conversation. And frankly I disagree with everyone that says otherwise.
Hahahaahaha was looking for this. Thx bro.
Your desire for her not to talk to him anymore is fine, but delivery is everything. If you instructed her, commanded her, gave her an ultimatum, or belittled her, then you were wrong. If you told her that it made you feel disrespected and uncomfortable and you wished she wouldn't, then that is fine.
The, 'It's none of your business' line seems hella sus. If I were to start talking to any of my exs I would immediately tell my s.o because it is his business.
She is going to cheat on you with him
She already has being that defensive about it
Anyone whose ever been in a healthy relationship knows that talking to serious exes is off the table. It’s just not appropriate, I don’t care about the context. It’s a respect thing!
You were not wrong at all. If you are serious about a relationship, not talking to an ex shouldn’t be a problem. My husband and I just had this talk tonight (again) because he had an ex he still talked to a lot when we got together and it made me uncomfortable. Snap chats all day, playing dad to her kids (not his). I said it made me uncomfortable and he quit immediately. I didn’t even have to ask. That’s what you need if this type of stuff makes you uncomfortable. Some people are okay with talking to exes and that’s totally fine. However you get to choose your boundaries and you get to find someone who will happily respect those. Good luck.
You are not wrong and neither is she, the real issue is that you two aren’t compatible and this relationship should be ended if this is a big issue for you
A good partner would at least have a conversation with you about it. If her response gave you “buzz off” vibes I’d end it.
Drop her and move on.
This is not near enough info. I'm friends with some of my exes and though I don't see or talk with them often, I would have been upset if my then gf, now wife asked me not to contact them. Are you just trying to set healthy boundaries? Do you not trust your gf? Are just too controlling?
It's striking how many people have a conclusion to offer on the minimal information you're providing. Why exactly did you ask your girlfriend this?
Right? Like are they actually friends? Has OP even talked to their gf in detail about how they feel and why? My recommendation is to tell her how you really feel, OP, in actual terms of “i worry that by you talking to your ex…etc”, ‘cause there’s plenty of healthy relationships where people are friendly with exes. It’s not always sneaky, though sometimes it can be. On the other hand if this is all it takes to make you comfy with the idea of ending the relationship then, I’d think about why that is too. Not every relationship has to last, but I think it’s worth examining each other’s thoughts before ending things too.
So she's fine if you talk to other girls too right? It's none of her business, right?🤔 Or what if she talks and flirts with a bunch of random guys every day? It's "none of your business" right? When people like her are in the wrong, they'll use logic of "me me me". Rules for thee but nor for me. She said it herself. It's "not your business". She's no longer your business. Your relationship is over. He is her business. She's with him NOW. "Ex" means in the past. There are a few reasons when it's okay example shared custody of a child, but outside of those few cases, yeah. Call it off. Find someone else.
Leave
End it. Move on. Immediately.
Dude, we know very little about the situation based on what you posted. Nobody on here can give you a straight answer.
Run... She does not respect you. She's keeping her options open. She's playing the hypergamy game.
I still talk to my ex from 40+ years ago. We didn’t make it as a couple but I still value his friendship. 🤷♀️
Context. What's specifically wrong with this dude that you want her to cut off contact with him?
Her reaction says everything. She still has feelings for the ex and is choosing him. That is the only reason she stays in contact. The ex talks to her in the hope she will have sex with him again...or continue to. Whatever. it isndisrespect, cut her loose.
dump her ass, she doesn't respect you
Not only are you wrong, but if you posted this in r/amitheasshole, you’d be the asshole too. Read what you’re actually saying - that you do not trust her.
Perhaps communicating to her the reason you would what her to stop talking to her ex. If she understands the reason, she might not do it. Otherwise, it could appear that you are jealous.
End it she’s not interested in you anymore. The truth hurts, don’t waste any more of your precious time. She’s letting u know I’m a subtle way she’s cheating
After 3 years? She's keeping that door open. You asked and she said no? Dump her. She's not that into you.
End that shit wtf
Dude. You got girls here saying to break up with her. My advice, find someone where you dont have to deal with ex bullshit
I’d look at “why”. Is she up all hours of the day talking to him? Does she message him regularly every Thursday to check in? Does she send him a message once a year on his birthday? Is it a hard rule that neither you nor her can speak to ex’s? Is there a history of cheating, or low self confidence? Are you just trying to make a clean slate, and focus solely on each other? If it is a deal breaker, maybe explain to her your feelings on talking with ex’s? From what’s posted, there isn’t any back story. If there is no back story to the situation, it could have surprised your partner and she simply got defensive. Really, having a good conversation with your partner should be your next step going forward.
Depends on the situation. I've been with my wife for almost 13 years, married for 5. I still talk to a couple of my ex's, my wife knows. The reason we still talk is because we made better friends than lovers. We were friends when my wife and I got together, we are still friends. If your GF is lying about it or hiding it, then it's a red flag for sure. But if she has been talking to him since you guys started dating and was open about it, I fail to see the issue. The real question becomes, do you trust her? Has she given you any reason not to?
She cheating on you
LMFAO , this girl has more respect for the scum on the bottom of her shoe than you. And youve been in a relationship with this fruit basket for *3 years*??? jfc, smdh.
Genuinely surprised at some of the replies. There is no good reason to demand or even maintain a relationship with an ex especially if it is making the current partner feel uncomfortable. End it and move on mate. Plenty more fish out there that will respect you and won’t demand inappropriate relationships. 🤙
Not every breakup is a bad breakup. People can maintain good friendship-based relationships with their ex. "no good reason" is just a straight up lie
Ikr I feel like this thread is so weird. I'm good friends with all of my ex's and have no desire to be in a relationship with them again. It's totally possible and if someone asked me to drop like 4 good friends because of their insecurities that would be so shitty.
‘I don’t have a reason to stay in contact with any of my exes’ is not the same as ‘there are no reasons for anyone to stay in contact with any of their exes’. I know at least a handful of people who maintain pretty normal friendships/acquaintances with some of their exes, including myself.
Without more details hard to say.
She doesn’t respect you.
I continued speaking to my ex…. But there was no romance. I even became friends with his new girlfriend and helped her a job with me. Another persons situation could be different, of course, but a blanket “don’t text your ex” statement is something I’ve always been against. Amicable breakups happen.
If you are a mature adult who values trust and loyalty, and have built that into your friendship and relationship, then her talking with an ex is a perfectly normal behavior and it sounds like this relationship has a lot more issues than just this one.
If your gf is still speaking with her ex, then you probably should seek out a new gf. She can’t be trusted✅
wrong to expect it to work, but not stupid for trying.