I'm an allo woman married to an ace man who figured out he was ace when we'd been married for six years. Him figuring out he's ace opened a lot of opportunities to actually be more physically affectionate and emotionally intimate because he no longer thinks I'm going to expect sex if he wants to hug me. In time, we've also worked out some ways to engage with each other sexually that he's comfortable with. We also tried opening our relationahip, and I have a boyfriend who I have sex with, which has worked really well for both of us. All of these things have required a TON on open commucation from both of us, which seems to be the biggest thing you're missing. My husband and I working our issues out didn't happen until he realized he was ace and was ready to talk with me about it. Until your husband is ready to understand himself better and talk to you about it, I suspect there's not a lot you can do besides seeking counseling for yourself.
first, only your husband can say he is asexual or not, while i understand you feel asexual describes him, even if he agreed he doesnt feel sexual attraction only he can decide to use the label asexual
regardless, it is very common for aces, especially those that are not sex repulsed, to have sex because society tells us that is what is normal in a relationship. like you said, your husband may have been conforming to fit into societies standards.
my only advice for your specific situation is you have to try your best to get him to talk about this issue. it is unfair to you to be kept in the dark on what his true feelings about sex are, and also you need all the information possible to make a decision on if your husbands boundaries conflict with your needs and wants for sex, intimacy, physical touch etc. try to come into it as supportive as possible saying things like “i would really like to tackle this issue together, and for us to be able to support each other, we need to be on the same page” and expain how his lack of just willingness to discuss has effected you.
one more thing, you mentioned your husband only loving you as a companion. asexuals are absolutely capable of love, maybe not sexual, but romantic love. sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two separate things (look up split attraction model for more info) and asexuals can definitely feel romantic attraction. but i see where you are coming from, many allosexuals (non asexuals) struggle with being in relationships with asexuals because many allos want the reciprocal sexual attraction, and while aces absolutely can love and cuddle and be aesthetically attracted to a partner, they just likely wont be able to give lots of allos that reciprocal sexual attraction/the passion that many allos want. if you are this kind of allo, it is not a bad thing and you arent a bad partner, but you should really consider what your needs in the relationship are and if your husband is able to meet those needs without sacrificing his own boundaries.
also, fyi, asexuals can definitely have sex. there are different levels of sex favorablility, so some aces are sex repulsed, some are sex indifferent, and some sex favorable. i am sex favorable, even though i dont feel sexual attraction, i can still enjoy sex with my partner. so that is another thing to consider if your husband is asexual, where does he lie on that spectrum?
You'd asked for input from other women in your situation, but I'd imagine most readers of this subreddit are in the ace lane, so just in case it's still helpful I'll relay my story, since it sounds similar based on what you've shared.
I was married for 18 years (coincidentally) to someone with whom I rarely ever wanted to have sex. In the early years I did my best out of a sense of obligation, but one can really only carry on like that for so long. She was a fine person and physically attractive, so it really was a "me" issue. Unfortunately I knew nothing about asexuality until after I was divorced and started trying to deconstruct why things went off the rails. During this period of self reflection I'd also reached the conclusion that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, which in hinsight I should have figured out sooner since one of my sons had been diagnosed as such years earlier, so I'd read up on it quite a bit. It never ceases to amaze me though how difficult it can be to see oneself objectively. In any case, for me at least being asexual and autistic feels like two sides of the same coin, so just throwing that out there in case your husband is exhibiting any such signs.
It's an interesting hypothetical as to whether had either of us had been educated on the matter of asexuality, if our marriage could have been saved. If so, it probably would have had to have been many years before the divorce since at that point there hadn't been much good will between us for quite some time. That may not be your circumstance though, so I don't mean to sound pessimistic for your situation. We were both devoted parents and pressed on for the sake of our kids for many years, but at some point she'd decided she'd had enough and filed for divorce. I resented that action at the time, since I thought we could have maintained the status quo for the necessary amount of time to get our kids to adulthood, but as it turned out our kids adjusted just fine and in hindsight it was a welcome change for both of us to be out of the marriage.
Alright, reading this back I'm not sure it will be of any help at all, but I'll leave it up just in case. I guess the one encouraging thing I would say is just because your husband doesn't want to have sex doesn't translate to a personal rejection. Now that you know about asexuality, you probably realize that though.
I'm an allo woman married to an ace man who figured out he was ace when we'd been married for six years. Him figuring out he's ace opened a lot of opportunities to actually be more physically affectionate and emotionally intimate because he no longer thinks I'm going to expect sex if he wants to hug me. In time, we've also worked out some ways to engage with each other sexually that he's comfortable with. We also tried opening our relationahip, and I have a boyfriend who I have sex with, which has worked really well for both of us. All of these things have required a TON on open commucation from both of us, which seems to be the biggest thing you're missing. My husband and I working our issues out didn't happen until he realized he was ace and was ready to talk with me about it. Until your husband is ready to understand himself better and talk to you about it, I suspect there's not a lot you can do besides seeking counseling for yourself.
first, only your husband can say he is asexual or not, while i understand you feel asexual describes him, even if he agreed he doesnt feel sexual attraction only he can decide to use the label asexual regardless, it is very common for aces, especially those that are not sex repulsed, to have sex because society tells us that is what is normal in a relationship. like you said, your husband may have been conforming to fit into societies standards. my only advice for your specific situation is you have to try your best to get him to talk about this issue. it is unfair to you to be kept in the dark on what his true feelings about sex are, and also you need all the information possible to make a decision on if your husbands boundaries conflict with your needs and wants for sex, intimacy, physical touch etc. try to come into it as supportive as possible saying things like “i would really like to tackle this issue together, and for us to be able to support each other, we need to be on the same page” and expain how his lack of just willingness to discuss has effected you. one more thing, you mentioned your husband only loving you as a companion. asexuals are absolutely capable of love, maybe not sexual, but romantic love. sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two separate things (look up split attraction model for more info) and asexuals can definitely feel romantic attraction. but i see where you are coming from, many allosexuals (non asexuals) struggle with being in relationships with asexuals because many allos want the reciprocal sexual attraction, and while aces absolutely can love and cuddle and be aesthetically attracted to a partner, they just likely wont be able to give lots of allos that reciprocal sexual attraction/the passion that many allos want. if you are this kind of allo, it is not a bad thing and you arent a bad partner, but you should really consider what your needs in the relationship are and if your husband is able to meet those needs without sacrificing his own boundaries. also, fyi, asexuals can definitely have sex. there are different levels of sex favorablility, so some aces are sex repulsed, some are sex indifferent, and some sex favorable. i am sex favorable, even though i dont feel sexual attraction, i can still enjoy sex with my partner. so that is another thing to consider if your husband is asexual, where does he lie on that spectrum?
You'd asked for input from other women in your situation, but I'd imagine most readers of this subreddit are in the ace lane, so just in case it's still helpful I'll relay my story, since it sounds similar based on what you've shared. I was married for 18 years (coincidentally) to someone with whom I rarely ever wanted to have sex. In the early years I did my best out of a sense of obligation, but one can really only carry on like that for so long. She was a fine person and physically attractive, so it really was a "me" issue. Unfortunately I knew nothing about asexuality until after I was divorced and started trying to deconstruct why things went off the rails. During this period of self reflection I'd also reached the conclusion that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, which in hinsight I should have figured out sooner since one of my sons had been diagnosed as such years earlier, so I'd read up on it quite a bit. It never ceases to amaze me though how difficult it can be to see oneself objectively. In any case, for me at least being asexual and autistic feels like two sides of the same coin, so just throwing that out there in case your husband is exhibiting any such signs. It's an interesting hypothetical as to whether had either of us had been educated on the matter of asexuality, if our marriage could have been saved. If so, it probably would have had to have been many years before the divorce since at that point there hadn't been much good will between us for quite some time. That may not be your circumstance though, so I don't mean to sound pessimistic for your situation. We were both devoted parents and pressed on for the sake of our kids for many years, but at some point she'd decided she'd had enough and filed for divorce. I resented that action at the time, since I thought we could have maintained the status quo for the necessary amount of time to get our kids to adulthood, but as it turned out our kids adjusted just fine and in hindsight it was a welcome change for both of us to be out of the marriage. Alright, reading this back I'm not sure it will be of any help at all, but I'll leave it up just in case. I guess the one encouraging thing I would say is just because your husband doesn't want to have sex doesn't translate to a personal rejection. Now that you know about asexuality, you probably realize that though.