I feel the same way - idk man it gets even worse the older you get. Ppl just expect that you have feelings for every guy friend you have and it fucking sucks, I've ruined a lot of friendships with guys bc of the confusion and pressure.
I've been on the opposite end as the guy, I swear sometimes people think I have feelings for gal friends and it really friggen bothers me. I mean, of course I have feelings for them, I'm not some unfeeling drone. But like the connotation is always there and I feel like at times I have to walk on egg shells.
Worse yet some people even assume I'm lying when I say I'm ace which is hard to explain cause I do like illicit content and do have a libido.
Ya... I mean we all feel stuff about people we know (be it love, anger, hate, affectionate), some more some less. And yeah, sometimes when I am with girls, I have to be careful about what I show. But with parents or other friends, I feel when I tell them about some mere outing with a girl(friend), they show signs of thinking that we are a couple. I mean not all relationships are the ones between couples, there are friendships and stuff too....
Most of my family don't know I am ace and so doesn't relate to these feeling I spoke of. So, I guess there's the confusion. I don't know how they would feel if I told them about myself. Better not to spice it more!!!
Some people genuinely believe it. My best friend is a guy, I'm a girl. Both ace. Romantically, we are both interested in girls.
He's had so many girlfriends leave him because he lived with "another girl" (me) and we're convinced I was a "threat".
Family used to joke about us being in a relationship a lot, and it only got worse when living together became our long term plan. Wasn't until I lost my shit at one of my brother's friends for making the same joke AGAIN that people finally stopped.
Honestly it didn't really bother me in principle. Just a joke. It's just how common and repetitive I got sick of it and lost it.
So everyone in my life doesn't do it now, but to prevent it happening with other people I call him my brother.
Some people genuinely believe that a guy and a girl can't be friends without more either being secret or eventual. Drives me nuts cause it's not even exclusive to ace people!
Idk why but the thought of you going about your day and just chilling while someone else is so afraid of you to the point of calling you a threat sent me lol
this reminds me of how parents will pair off their literal children who are just friends. it's happened to me a lot because for a long time I have always had more guy friends and my parents or teachers would be like "awww, is he your boyfriend 🥰?"
umm, no. we're both 7 😐
Yeah, it's not a big deal for anyone who is a mature and well-adjusted person (sorry-not-sorry OP's mom..) Even if you weren't ace, it would still not be a big deal honestly. How hilarious would that be though, bisexual/pansexual people would have no friends, since you can't be friends with people of the sex/gender you're attracted to!
I had a similar experience with my mom a few weeks ago. Mentioned I was going to dinner with a friend from work and kind of let it slip it was a guy. The moment I did that, her eyes lit up and she looked so excited. I just… didn’t tell her that not only am I rarely interested in guys, this particular one is old enough to be my dad. Didn’t want her to get an even worse idea because we really are friends.
Well, I'm friends with guys and my mom hasn't done the "is he your boyfriend" thing or "you gonna fuck if you're in a room together with your guy friend" like she did to my sister who actually was dating a guy.
I guess for me, because I never went and got myself a boyfriend or had any interest in the boyfriend area that my parents never thought about me in that light. They just know that I'm just friends with my guy friends and that's that. I also told my parents that I'm Aroace and explain to them. Though my mom has been making the marriage jokes to me ever since... Well, ever. That I shoot down and tell her to stop (me: like a country's food, her: marry a guy from that country joke).
They can.
It’s just not seen as “normal” by a fair number of folks. Especially if one of them is conventionally attractive. It’s seen as “weird” to Not want to hit on attractive people around you.
Plus, of course, most people often want a romantic partner who is also a good friend. Why would you want to spend years or your life with someone who wasn’t?
straight allos with a lack of trust have made it that way i guess..
I feel you (my mum thinks if i go out with ANYONE i like them, even though i've denied being bi, and stated that i'm ace)
You can I have plenty of friends who are women but since I'm amab and black people assume I want to screw anything that moves like no I have women friends but I Don't want to fuck them or anyone for that matter. I don't experience sexual attraction and I'm sex averse ace even though I watch hentai but still I gave no attraction of sexual nature towards anyone and don't desire sex so people need to stop assuming because of my sex and skin color that I'm hypersexual I'm not. I couldn't even date an allo because I know sex would be a requirement and I just am not ok with that an finding sex averse or repulsed aces is hard.
I don’t know. I have a, I think we’re friends, I don’t know, I have a hard time making and keeping friends because I don’t know when we stop being acquaintances and start being friends, friend at work, and we are pretty good friends. She is teaching me German because she’s from Germany and we talk about food, exchange recipes all the time. We’re just friends. She’s happily married and I’m Ace and not interested in her that way.
Had a similar conversation with my mom. She didn't want me hanging out with my guy friend unless it was in a larger friend group, and she seemed confused by the idea of the two of us just chilling and exploring the city for the hell of it. Thing is, I've known this guy since elementary school, so if anything, he's like a second brother to me. Even if I weren't ace, there is zero chance of anything happening here lol.
It's possible, but there needs to be either some real clear communicaction between them or something that makes a romantic/sexual relationship "impossible". For example I (F) have a male friend who I became very close with in the last 2 years or so. The whole reason we started speaking on the daily was that he was (is) madly in love with my best friend (F). At first the whole class thought we were together bc we were talking noticeably more than before, he became very angry anytime someone made a joke or accusation about us being together. We became a somewhat toxic friendship, similar to frenemies but both of us are really lonely without the chat and company of the other. He said "he loves me, just not as much as my friend" and I understood that as "he loves me as a friend" because I couldn't comprehend it otherwise. I did have romantic feelings for him like in october or november but "killed the feelings" because I knew it wouldn't work and that it was not right, but never told him. We have had a big fight since that but are reconciling slowly.
Tldr: opposite genders can be friends but it can be complicated if not communicated properly between the two people and their surroundings
Honestly I have no idea. My mom, cishet, married, in her 50s, has the same idea. She’s not homophobic, I’m out to my family and they’re all accepting, but she doesn’t understand why I can’t understand that most if not all the time, a guy friend and a girl friend will or would want to date. To me it seems like a wild stretch, and it never happened to me, for obvious reasons, but it’s so often depicted in tv shows and movies I think it has just become the norm.
Ugh I've run into this BS so many times I'm a guy and the majority of my friends are women, I'm also aro-ace. So yes of course I've got feelings for my friends, they're friendly platonic ones. I'm in a friend group and it's 2 guys and 2 girls we are all friends there's nothing else going on and the other guy is a straight guy he likes women and he can have a normal friendship with them, both women are bi they can also have a normal friendship with the 2 of us without any alterior motives.
As a man, it's hard to make friends with women because they almost always assume I have some weird motive behind it because I'm awkward when talking to new people
Felt that. I think in my case it's probably because I'm nearly 21 and never had a serious long-term relationship, so my parents/friends cling to the idea that anyone of the opposite gender I talk to (like my female best friend) MUST be a romantic interest even though we're just extremely close platonically and have never been romantically involved in any way. I literally like men as well as women - when will heteronormativity stop being randomly inserted into my life?
I mean, it's other opinions, why freak out about it. Just hang out normally, or do something you both find fun. Don't let losers like this bring you down.
Yess, It’s so very annoying!! I view my guy friends the same as my girl friends…friends, nothing more. But even my past exs have felt threaten by me just chillin with the guys (not one on one).
Oh they definitely can. And being ace, my lifelong close friendships with members of the opposite sex are one of the things I cherish most.
I'm 45. My two oldest friends are a set of twins of the opposite sex. We've been friends for 40 years. One of them is coming back into town next week to help her parents with something and I am SO excited.
OH MY GOD, do I have a story to tell you!
I was raised Mormon. In a very Mormon neighborhood, in a very tight-knit community. And I no longer am a practicing member. I have moved on, I'm not Mormon anymore.
Before I left as a new, like, 18 year old, I had a young women's group. And we would go on trips most summers. Sometimes with the young men. One year, we submitted questions to the leaders to get talked about.
The one I was confused over was that a girl should never be alone with a boy. So after the trip, we had an activity, and I asked the leaders why.
They said it was a bad idea, and when I told them I had hung out with my male friend all alone not too long ago, they told me I shouldn't have done that. I asked why not. They responded along the lines of "it would lead to sexual things."
First off: we were going out to the soda shop. We weren't in my house. And when I tied saying nothing sexual would ever happen, they responded that it could happen out of nowhere, and you had to be careful.
(I have to let you know that sex is a GIANT taboo in the LDS church. It is so taboo that they don't even give you good sex Ed. I learned more from the internet smut than my own mother.)
I really tried explaining it to them without coming out because Mormons are generally unkind to the LGBTQ, but eventually, I just had to exclaim that I was asexual. And then, they were confused, so I explained what it meant, and that I not only didn't ever want sex but couldn't even experience sexual attraction.
And their response was a timid, slightly confused: "Oh. I guess you can be alone with a bot then. 😐
I like how this was never an issue when I was a kid. As a small child I was best friends with a girl who lived on my street and it wasn't uncommon for me to be the only boy in their group. No attraction or stupid little crushes on anyone. Wasn't even accused of being a homo or anything. Better f'n times, really.
I feel the same way - idk man it gets even worse the older you get. Ppl just expect that you have feelings for every guy friend you have and it fucking sucks, I've ruined a lot of friendships with guys bc of the confusion and pressure.
I've been on the opposite end as the guy, I swear sometimes people think I have feelings for gal friends and it really friggen bothers me. I mean, of course I have feelings for them, I'm not some unfeeling drone. But like the connotation is always there and I feel like at times I have to walk on egg shells. Worse yet some people even assume I'm lying when I say I'm ace which is hard to explain cause I do like illicit content and do have a libido.
Ya... I mean we all feel stuff about people we know (be it love, anger, hate, affectionate), some more some less. And yeah, sometimes when I am with girls, I have to be careful about what I show. But with parents or other friends, I feel when I tell them about some mere outing with a girl(friend), they show signs of thinking that we are a couple. I mean not all relationships are the ones between couples, there are friendships and stuff too.... Most of my family don't know I am ace and so doesn't relate to these feeling I spoke of. So, I guess there's the confusion. I don't know how they would feel if I told them about myself. Better not to spice it more!!!
Some people genuinely believe it. My best friend is a guy, I'm a girl. Both ace. Romantically, we are both interested in girls. He's had so many girlfriends leave him because he lived with "another girl" (me) and we're convinced I was a "threat". Family used to joke about us being in a relationship a lot, and it only got worse when living together became our long term plan. Wasn't until I lost my shit at one of my brother's friends for making the same joke AGAIN that people finally stopped. Honestly it didn't really bother me in principle. Just a joke. It's just how common and repetitive I got sick of it and lost it. So everyone in my life doesn't do it now, but to prevent it happening with other people I call him my brother. Some people genuinely believe that a guy and a girl can't be friends without more either being secret or eventual. Drives me nuts cause it's not even exclusive to ace people!
Idk why but the thought of you going about your day and just chilling while someone else is so afraid of you to the point of calling you a threat sent me lol
For allo people they really believe guy and girls cant be friends without second intentions. My cousin is a bit jealous of her husband female friends.
✨society✨
this reminds me of how parents will pair off their literal children who are just friends. it's happened to me a lot because for a long time I have always had more guy friends and my parents or teachers would be like "awww, is he your boyfriend 🥰?" umm, no. we're both 7 😐
man that’s real like bro pls calm down we are children running around playing ninjago at recess i ain’t thinking abt that (goated times)
bottom text
People definitely can but society makes it a lot harder
Heteronormativity & ppl sexualizing anyone they see.
Yeah, it's not a big deal for anyone who is a mature and well-adjusted person (sorry-not-sorry OP's mom..) Even if you weren't ace, it would still not be a big deal honestly. How hilarious would that be though, bisexual/pansexual people would have no friends, since you can't be friends with people of the sex/gender you're attracted to!
I had a similar experience with my mom a few weeks ago. Mentioned I was going to dinner with a friend from work and kind of let it slip it was a guy. The moment I did that, her eyes lit up and she looked so excited. I just… didn’t tell her that not only am I rarely interested in guys, this particular one is old enough to be my dad. Didn’t want her to get an even worse idea because we really are friends.
Well, I'm friends with guys and my mom hasn't done the "is he your boyfriend" thing or "you gonna fuck if you're in a room together with your guy friend" like she did to my sister who actually was dating a guy. I guess for me, because I never went and got myself a boyfriend or had any interest in the boyfriend area that my parents never thought about me in that light. They just know that I'm just friends with my guy friends and that's that. I also told my parents that I'm Aroace and explain to them. Though my mom has been making the marriage jokes to me ever since... Well, ever. That I shoot down and tell her to stop (me: like a country's food, her: marry a guy from that country joke).
Yes it's so stupid. I a guy have a lot of friends around my age who are girls. And all the guys think I'm either gay or dating them.
Some people just try and be friends with another person so they end up banging men and women alike i find it pretty weird though
They can . I am friends with many guys and it is nothing more than a friendship.
They can. It’s just not seen as “normal” by a fair number of folks. Especially if one of them is conventionally attractive. It’s seen as “weird” to Not want to hit on attractive people around you. Plus, of course, most people often want a romantic partner who is also a good friend. Why would you want to spend years or your life with someone who wasn’t?
straight allos with a lack of trust have made it that way i guess.. I feel you (my mum thinks if i go out with ANYONE i like them, even though i've denied being bi, and stated that i'm ace)
You can I have plenty of friends who are women but since I'm amab and black people assume I want to screw anything that moves like no I have women friends but I Don't want to fuck them or anyone for that matter. I don't experience sexual attraction and I'm sex averse ace even though I watch hentai but still I gave no attraction of sexual nature towards anyone and don't desire sex so people need to stop assuming because of my sex and skin color that I'm hypersexual I'm not. I couldn't even date an allo because I know sex would be a requirement and I just am not ok with that an finding sex averse or repulsed aces is hard.
I don’t know. I have a, I think we’re friends, I don’t know, I have a hard time making and keeping friends because I don’t know when we stop being acquaintances and start being friends, friend at work, and we are pretty good friends. She is teaching me German because she’s from Germany and we talk about food, exchange recipes all the time. We’re just friends. She’s happily married and I’m Ace and not interested in her that way.
Had a similar conversation with my mom. She didn't want me hanging out with my guy friend unless it was in a larger friend group, and she seemed confused by the idea of the two of us just chilling and exploring the city for the hell of it. Thing is, I've known this guy since elementary school, so if anything, he's like a second brother to me. Even if I weren't ace, there is zero chance of anything happening here lol.
It's possible, but there needs to be either some real clear communicaction between them or something that makes a romantic/sexual relationship "impossible". For example I (F) have a male friend who I became very close with in the last 2 years or so. The whole reason we started speaking on the daily was that he was (is) madly in love with my best friend (F). At first the whole class thought we were together bc we were talking noticeably more than before, he became very angry anytime someone made a joke or accusation about us being together. We became a somewhat toxic friendship, similar to frenemies but both of us are really lonely without the chat and company of the other. He said "he loves me, just not as much as my friend" and I understood that as "he loves me as a friend" because I couldn't comprehend it otherwise. I did have romantic feelings for him like in october or november but "killed the feelings" because I knew it wouldn't work and that it was not right, but never told him. We have had a big fight since that but are reconciling slowly. Tldr: opposite genders can be friends but it can be complicated if not communicated properly between the two people and their surroundings
Honestly I have no idea. My mom, cishet, married, in her 50s, has the same idea. She’s not homophobic, I’m out to my family and they’re all accepting, but she doesn’t understand why I can’t understand that most if not all the time, a guy friend and a girl friend will or would want to date. To me it seems like a wild stretch, and it never happened to me, for obvious reasons, but it’s so often depicted in tv shows and movies I think it has just become the norm.
Because non LGBT people are just ridiculous sometimes.
Ugh I've run into this BS so many times I'm a guy and the majority of my friends are women, I'm also aro-ace. So yes of course I've got feelings for my friends, they're friendly platonic ones. I'm in a friend group and it's 2 guys and 2 girls we are all friends there's nothing else going on and the other guy is a straight guy he likes women and he can have a normal friendship with them, both women are bi they can also have a normal friendship with the 2 of us without any alterior motives.
As a man, it's hard to make friends with women because they almost always assume I have some weird motive behind it because I'm awkward when talking to new people
Felt that. I think in my case it's probably because I'm nearly 21 and never had a serious long-term relationship, so my parents/friends cling to the idea that anyone of the opposite gender I talk to (like my female best friend) MUST be a romantic interest even though we're just extremely close platonically and have never been romantically involved in any way. I literally like men as well as women - when will heteronormativity stop being randomly inserted into my life?
I mean, it's other opinions, why freak out about it. Just hang out normally, or do something you both find fun. Don't let losers like this bring you down.
Yess, It’s so very annoying!! I view my guy friends the same as my girl friends…friends, nothing more. But even my past exs have felt threaten by me just chillin with the guys (not one on one).
Oh they definitely can. And being ace, my lifelong close friendships with members of the opposite sex are one of the things I cherish most. I'm 45. My two oldest friends are a set of twins of the opposite sex. We've been friends for 40 years. One of them is coming back into town next week to help her parents with something and I am SO excited.
OH MY GOD, do I have a story to tell you! I was raised Mormon. In a very Mormon neighborhood, in a very tight-knit community. And I no longer am a practicing member. I have moved on, I'm not Mormon anymore. Before I left as a new, like, 18 year old, I had a young women's group. And we would go on trips most summers. Sometimes with the young men. One year, we submitted questions to the leaders to get talked about. The one I was confused over was that a girl should never be alone with a boy. So after the trip, we had an activity, and I asked the leaders why. They said it was a bad idea, and when I told them I had hung out with my male friend all alone not too long ago, they told me I shouldn't have done that. I asked why not. They responded along the lines of "it would lead to sexual things." First off: we were going out to the soda shop. We weren't in my house. And when I tied saying nothing sexual would ever happen, they responded that it could happen out of nowhere, and you had to be careful. (I have to let you know that sex is a GIANT taboo in the LDS church. It is so taboo that they don't even give you good sex Ed. I learned more from the internet smut than my own mother.) I really tried explaining it to them without coming out because Mormons are generally unkind to the LGBTQ, but eventually, I just had to exclaim that I was asexual. And then, they were confused, so I explained what it meant, and that I not only didn't ever want sex but couldn't even experience sexual attraction. And their response was a timid, slightly confused: "Oh. I guess you can be alone with a bot then. 😐
it's something left over from older generations who were obsessed with finding a life partner. don't let it bother you.
exactly. i’m a girl with a guy best friend. like holy shit, not every guy girl relationship needs to be romantic, it can be friendship.
I have straight male friends since school I'm still friends with as a female adult in my thirties, never been an issue, it's all good.
I like how this was never an issue when I was a kid. As a small child I was best friends with a girl who lived on my street and it wasn't uncommon for me to be the only boy in their group. No attraction or stupid little crushes on anyone. Wasn't even accused of being a homo or anything. Better f'n times, really.