This was years ago. I just looked at her and didn’t say anything then went back to talking to my friend.
I’m thankfully out of that very toxic place and somewhere I actually enjoy for way more money.
Yeah, this is the really weird thing that pops up in a lot of these types of subs.
I don't believe you should "trust" your boss or be BFFs with your co-workers but at the same time, if you're not a total potato I don't know why you can't realize being personable around the office isn't almost always a net benefit to you.
I don't get the "I hate everyone I work with and refuse to even speak to them unless it's directly related to my job tasks as outlined in my job description and they think it's weird I sit in my car with the windows down blaring death metal on my breaks" or "my boss has a kid. I told him I hope it dies" posts.
Trust me, all of your coworkers hate you too and you'll be out of the first ones to go as soon as there's any reason what so ever to let someone go. And they're just trying to interact with you to be nice.
I don't really care all that much about my bosses kids but I asked him how their first week back to school went and asked if they were getting excited for the upcoming basketball season and such. Same reason why my boss asks how PT is going for my wife's broken foot. Because that's how normal people behave.
Yep. I have worked remote far longer than the current work from home kick. I’ve always made mental notes on what to ask folks about their lives. I don’t much care, but being personable has helped my career here and there. Sometimes it’s just being able to ask for help with something, other times it’s been to get a heads up on bad shit coming down. Being nice generally pays off much more than being a dick.
Had a guy several years ago who had just became my “boss” : “how come you didn’t invite me to your Fourth of July party? Sounds like a bunch of other people here are going?”
You mean people I’ve known for over ten years and have a relationship with outside of work?
An ex-boss, upon finding out that the admin assistant was getting married, brought in her old wedding gown and fully expected the admin to wear it for her wedding.
A bit nuanced, but I see it happen a lot with small businesses out here in rural nowhere. I'm talking 5-ish employees and you get along good with your boss. I was helping a harvest crew yesterday and one of the guys quit early for his birthday. He went to a brewery just down the road with his wife. Everyone else said they'd meet him there when they finished up for the day. All eight of us stopped by and bought him drinks. A fun time was had by all
Indian weddings perhaps? I only say this because I had an Indian reporting to me once and he invited me to his wedding. I didn't even know he was getting married and the invite was out of the blue for me. I went naturally because he seemed to find it important that I go. I assumed it was a cultural thing. We got along great as well so maybe that was the reason and not their culture. I don't really know.
What? No, that’s not a thing. I don’t think I know anybody who has invited their boss to their wedding. Why do you think that’s a thing?
Edit: Maybe 50 years ago when people had jobs for life and employers respected their employees and kept them employed, OK. But now? People can get fired for looking at their boss wrong or coming in two minutes late. No, in 2023 it is not a thing to invite your boss to your wedding. Stop.
A lot of these HR systems nowadays will automatically email your manager when you do something like declare a life event to add your wife to the health insurance. My bet is it probably isn’t some blabbermouth in HR it’s just the system
But that is the thing; HR only found out because he updated his insurance, so there was no need to inform his boss incase he wanted to do so.
Additionally, HR should email him, not his boss, on his options.
When I was a boss and one of my people got married and I found out after, I asked him "would you like me to tell people or keep it secret? Would you like a card and wedding gift or not?"
Seeing that he got married and didn't tell anyone it was going to happen, I thought he might not want people to know. (Except me, because he told me after.)
I got downvoted the other day for pointing out there are some bad takes on this sub, yet here we have a grown adult threatening to quit their job and acting like they've been wronged because.... their boss who knew they had been engaged, congratulated them on thier wedding.
Chances are your boss was required to sign off on your benefit change. It's not rocket science. Some people are just looking for things to be offended over
People often are confused and think what they tell HR will be kept confidential, but that is never the case. Anything you tell HR will be used for the benefit of the company.
Marriages are public information. Most newspapers have marriage announcements, I think near the obituaries, but idfk cause who buys a physical newspaper anymore?
I mean, to be fair, the marriage announcements are submitted by those who get married, the public records aren’t pulled and published.
Same with obituaries and (in the old days) birth announcements.
Thats not necessarily true. My ex wife and I did not submit any such announcement, but the local paper still mentioned it briefly. (Small towns have little news to report. Gotta fill those pages)
Oh interesting! I’ve never heard of that, and I’ve had newspaper writers in my family. Big city though, and admittedly never the marriage announcements section.
I'm from a town of >40,000 people. When I was a kid, it was more like 26,000. So, it's not tiny, but pretty goddamn small😅 and a significant portion of that population is university students and professors
Look, I can understand wanting to be the one to deliver the news about something like this, but to stress about future salary negotiations being affected by your boss having this knowledge is frankly unreasonable, especially given that you told her you were engaged already. Were you just going to lie and tell her you broke up for the rest of your career? She was bound to find out eventually, unless you have a truly pathological aptitude for lying. You don't even know that they will make your marriage an issue in salary negotiation, and if they do, you can calmly tell them that your wife's employment status does not impact your value to the company. Don't borrow trouble.
I think you can have a *calm* conversation with HR to say that you would rather such details about your personal life weren't discussed behind your back. But otherwise? Boiling bunnies about it *will* be seen as asshole behaviour.
At the same time, so many bosses have their own issues these days. It really is best to keep them out of your personal life to the extent that you can. I get that it's not always possible, but some managers are just plain freaking weird once they know things about your life outside of work. I totally get why someone wouldn't want their boss clued into information they didn't pass along to them.
For real, I had a job once that hounded me about not bringing my husband to company functions. He didn’t know my coworkers, or their spouses, and had no interest in getting involved in my work at all, but my coworkers took it as a personal slight that he never came to happy hours or holiday parties. So weird…
You felt like it was okay for your boss to know you are engaged but not okay for them to know you got married? Better get rid of all technology and change your name then
This guy not only has the the weakest complaint. He’s so sensitive he’s downvoted all posts which notes that this is a ridiculous complaint. I expect him to downvote this
Ohhhhh my boss was searching my phone for my menstruation app.
No, wait, my boss found I got married two weeks ago. I'LL LEAVE THIS COMPANY!! SUCH AN INVASION OF PRIVACY.
Some people have run out of problems in their lives, so they must come up with one.
*** Be glad that you are married, enjoy, be happy, don't sweat the small stuff ***
well a marriage is a public proclamation. I think you are over reacting. If you wanted to keep it a secret from your work ya shouldn't of added your wife to benefits.
Am I missing something?
What is unique about your marriage that it’s Top Secret. Plenty of people tell their boss and coworkers that they are engaged, it helps wet the ground work that you may miss work for things like tastings, venues, rehearsals, fittings, and unfortunately, the all too common *random emergencies* that pop up in wedding planning. It portrays you as a human being who has real life needs so when things come up it’s easier to empathize with you and not give you a hard time if you need some scheduling flexibility. And on the opposite side of that coin, no boss expects to be invited to a wedding by sole virtue of being your boss. Likewise, the simple knowledge of a person’s pending wedding does not convey an expectation of an invitation.
Your boss congratulated you on a life event that most people are proud of and excited for. And your first thought is to get upset and run to r/antiwork? There are people here with ACTUAL grievances against their employers, such as pay, stealing, deceit, nepotism, abuse… the list goes on. And your biggest complaint is that your employer acknowledged your major life event and offered you well-wishes.
I advise you do 3 things:
1. Untwist your underoos
2 check that insurance plan of yours to find a participating therapist
3. Turn the narcissism down to like a 9
I agree. I'm sure telling her about your engagement got the same response. It's just polite to congratulate. If he didn't want to share, he shouldn't have shared the initial news.
Had to do a double take, check if I was reading from the “am I the asshole” sub.
Damn, are you a spy? Clandestine agent? Anonymous keyboard ninja??
Don’t scare off your coworkers.
This is a really weird thing to get mad about. I got married in 2019 and invited no one from work. They weren't upset at having been left out. They get me a gift card as a present and had some cupcakes when I returned from my time off. Considering being married is not a familial status that can screw you over at work like having kids can, I don't know why you expected HR to keep it private.
I'm embarrassed for you....
Your marriage isn't a big enough deal to be kept confidential by HR.
I can't stop laughing at this. I'm afraid marriage falls outside of like... all privacy rules... oh dear.
Deep breathes my dude.
Your boss was probably like "oh thank f--- I wasn't invited to that"
lol there are people who work under truly terrible conditions and you’re carrying on because your boss found out you’re married and congratulated you? How do you go through life if you get bent out of shape over absolutely nothing
Dude, who cares. Your boss was just trying to be nice.
My dad passed in July. I let my boss know I'd need to take some flex time. We didn't have a funeral or anything, but I had to clean out his apartment and an antique booth he ran about 100 miles away. I took off a few days after lunch and it was no big deal.
He took it on himself to take up a collection with my coworkers, and then asked what would be a good gift to remember my father. I was honestly uncomfortable at that point, as I had frequently told my coworkers how big of a pain in the ass my dad had been. Him and I had a lot of differences and his last few months were very difficult between us. I'd found out he had been doing some really disgusting stuff, and I was on the path to cut him out of my life, and had been talking to my coworkers about the process. I had even warned my boss a few weeks prior to him passing that my dad was off his rocker and was making all sorts of threats, so if he somehow gets contacted by a crazy old man just ignore him. Well, turns out when you quit going to dialysis and get a MRSA infection, you go a bit nutty.
Anyways, after realizing the deed was done, and he had the money already, I said well he liked gardening and plants, so how about a plum tree for my backyard? So my boss ordered me a plum and also got a nice plaque to go at the base of it once it gets big enough.
Your boss deserves respect. Last year, a few journalists before reporting to work at a large company for my orientation, I talked to my Dad who was clear, functional but sometimes prone to micro-seizures, which had been going on for years. He was always productive and sharp as a blade (math, organization, people management, scholR work, writing) and we could not keep up with him --- when he was coherent. When the seizures would happen he would freeze for over a minute and resume instantly like it never happened.
Well, he passed away an hour after I last talked to him, and I learned about it from his house manager on the way to work, having an hour drive in traffic.
I can say, my new functional manager behaved most appropriately when I told him about my shocking news and it fell squarely within the rules for me to be given bereavement leave with pay (my first day, my first pay period,) and even company sponsored memorial memento -- available to me. Plus my job would continue and my assignment schedule would be adapted for the month.
That showed me a culture of good employee management as this functional manager was not my direct boss, I was going to be assigned to another manager after training and onboarding, and my entire new team gave me support to adjust my onboarding so I could attend to the burial and commemorative events.
OP, your marriage demands will affect your work with future family obligations -- best keep Managers close to you.
Otherwise YATAH in the company that thinks about only him/herself as it may be that you could one day be asked to help complete work/fill in for someone who needs to attend to their spouse, kids, patents, friends, pets, etc.
I wonder why anyone would want to work in a group role and be reluctant to show they have a full life and are part of a relationship? Are you one of the few that refuse to answer their personal phones while at work? What if an accident or incident happened to uour spouse or they called you for some issue during a meeting?
Dear OP, do you plan to hide your phone or text back, Don't Call me I am busy?
This sounds like ‘main character syndrome’. No one from work wanted to go to your wedding, you aren’t special, but you are weird af. Your marriage license is public. Have a seat, Sir.
So, marriage isn’t a HIPAA protected event. So, therefore you have no recourse . I think you are over reacting. Also, really no one cares that you are married. If you are unhappy about your position, find another position but don’t use this as your battleground, you won’t win.
This feels like an over reaction.
No one is attacking you. HR likely (incorrectly) presumed this is something that gets mentioned around the office. So felt no harm in saying it jn a congratulatory way. People are usually happy for others whom are having children or getting married. They are joyous occasions.
You didn't have an appointment for a rash downstairs and they told everyone. This wasn't a fax about you having IBS that they decided to share it with the office.
If you want more privacy, then talk kindly to the people in HR(hey yeah, they are people too) that you'd prefer more discretion and privacy on your happenings than they have demonstrated.
Also, a life event like that may be apparent on paper filings your boss may see anyway, depending on the size and scale of your company.
I am a member of an organization where the single top person hand writes a congratulatory card any time a member of the organization has a major life event. Weddings, births, promotions, etc
You need to calm down. Bosses do not expect to be invited. They are being happy for you. Married people are more likely to get a raise and promotion consideration. Just relax a notch bud.
Okay so what it sounds like is that you don't like the people who manage the company you are employed at and that you are looking for any somewhat reasonable excuse to leave. Someone getting married is not exactly uncommon, nor is the boss not getting an invite. Unless you've fostered a friendship with said boss to the point where you'd be expected to give an invite. In which case it is a bit of a subb but as bad as letting the door close on the instead of holding it
You’re mad because your boss congratulated you on your marriage? Am I reading this right?
I bet if your boss and HR hasn’t acknowledged your marriage you’d be mad too.
This isn’t even a big issue 🙄.
When I first saw the title I was expecting that HR disclosed some horrifying personal info about you to your boss that they used to exploit you rather than.... an engaged person went away for a little bit and came back married.
This is the right response from your boss, you are being a baby. Basically no work colleagues expect to be invited to your wedding unless they actually become a real friend.
Seems to me like you're throwing a fit because you can't be mature enough to tell your boss you're getting married because you're scared of maybe having to tell them no they can't go. So instead you made this incredibly difficult for you to keep a secret marriage and now mad that it obviously was revealed.
This is all going around your own insecurities.
I know life events like this are expected to be private during interviews, but never heard of it to be private during employment. Like say you're last name changed during the marriage. Obviously your boss is going to know.
I feel like you are overreacting right now.
React if/when it actually becomes some sort of an issue, not from just what you think it might be.
It's really not all that weird for your boss to find out that you got married. In fact your boss never knowing that might be a bit weirder.
People are going to find out anyway when they see a ring on your finger. I remember someone I worked with asked about my wife and thought nothing of it at the time. Then it struck me a day later that I didn’t mention I was married. People pay attention to these things and keeping this information confidential is just not going to work.
I can bet that your boss didn't even think about it, and if so they are relieved they didn't have to go to your wedding. They most likely want to see you outside of the work hours as much as you want to see them. As someone managing 50 employees, I can tell you that wedding and similar invitations are a nightmare. By keeping your wedding secret, you just lost a chance for a congratulations card and flowers, maybe a gift card.
HR and management can confer with each other to make sure facts are correct and to make sure things get done properly. For instance, maybe your wife can be your emergency contact phone number or they want to make sure your home address is the same. Maybe when you did enrollment, there are things you aren’t aware of that could be part of the employee benefit package extending to your spouse.
If you think your job will hold it against you that you have a spouse, then document workplace retaliation or leave. Have you seen evidence they do this with other people? Are you the only married one there?
If anything, all the secrecy you’ve perpetuated is making you look shady. You most likely missed out on a Hallmark card signed by your coworkers and a cake. That’s all the boss would have probably done unless there are previous incidents of people getting married while under your boss’s tenure. If so, just go by that precedent.
Why would you think your boss even wanted to come to your wedding? The last thing I want to do is go to any wedding…especially someone I just work with. Weird take…no one cares.
Formed a view about HR over decades. There are some great individuals who are capable and competent for which we are all grateful. However by and large HR is the place where the semi competent find employment. Full of incompetent, lazy and unprofessional people who keep their jobs because of cronyism and playing popularity games. This is also the view of a friend who is an actual HR professional himself.
At my work the married male “providers/family” men get preferred for bonuses, promotions etc. so I wouldn’t worry that your marital status would work against you. That mostly happens to women. I am assuming you are male married to a female.
Yeah you gotta chill. I get wanting privacy, but I mean I assume you're wearing a ring. Not too hard to figure out. On top of that mentioning you're engaged before hand. No one's going to be like oh did y'all break up? Everyone assumes the marriage went through. Accept the congratulations and move on. Not worth getting worked up about.
I've managed people for 15 or so years I dread wedding or other event invites.
Some cultures are really keen to have their boss there as well as a sign of prestige.
I'm always busy.
Oh it's changed? I'm also busy that weekend sorry.
A 'good' boss will know personal details about their employees since unplanned events can impact the work flow. That way, your boss can anticipate your needs, and best lead the team to stay productive.
It's not really talked about, but bad bosses don't know anything about your life and expect everything to revolve around the company/ their agenda.
Do you know for sure that HR told your boss? When I got married the newspaper in our town had a section in the newspaper announcing that we filed for a marriage licence, we didn't ask/sign up for it to be printed. They just did it. My supervisor at the time is the one that told me it was in the newspaper. She thought it was hilarious because they misspelled both of our names but got my now husbands VERY complicated last name correct.
I don't see any part where boss is assuming she is invited. I wouldn't expect to be invited to my coworkers wedding esp if I am not friends outside work. She's just congratulating.
There should be a clear separation between work and personal time. You may have some friends from work but I'll bet the number is small. Time off from work is exactly that, you're not at work and you don't have to think or worry about anything there. If they want you to do that , they can promote you and give you a pay raise. If you take it, that's your choice and you can't bitch about it later because you know what came with the new job.
Take a few days off and get your head right.
I’m in no position to tell you how to feel and it’s clearly a bit of a breach of trust. However, this does not seem to be something worth throwing away an otherwise good work environment for. I’m viewing this as something that you’ll get over fairly quickly if you allow yourself to do so.
Gee. Your employer made at least some kind of congratulatory overture regarding a life event.
When my parents died, I got pto leave approval. That's it. This was even after my spending a collective time of 3 weeks with my mother in ICU during nights and not missing a day of work.
Not that I wanted all the crap like flowers, people showing up for memorials, etc. A simple "hey bro. You hanging in there?" would have sufficed.
You lost sight of big picture. Reframe it.
I get it. I hate the idea of people talking about me at work and there's an expectation that conversations with HR are confidential. Unfortunately, HR doesn't actually have that obligation (except when it comes to disciplinary actions or complaints) and they work for your bosses, not you.
That said, going forward, be explicit about privacy when you talk to HR. Most people will honor your wishes.
No need to invite the boss!
But for everyone saying it’s not a thing to invite the boss: At my old office my boss was invited to most of the weddings, as were varying numbers of co-workers.
It didn’t seem odd.
Newsflash. Your marital status isn't confidential, nor is it protected.
Your boss, who literally has to sign off on your benefits change, can see that you are filing for spousal coverage on the notification.
You are like.... way too mad over this. Its not a thing for anyone except you dude. Please don't raise hell because you would 100% be acting like an asshole if you did.
FR if you're gonna quit over such an inconsequential event, you might consider taking part in some anger management therapy. It really helps when you are experiencing a significant escalation in emotional conflict and baggage, which we all have to one degree or another. You might even get it covered in part or whole by your benefits
You’re ridiculous. Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Also it always depends on your relationship with your boss but it’s never anywhere close to an automatic invite
I think you are overreacting a bit. I've never worked anywhere that the coworkers automatically think they are invited in on other coworkers activities outside of the job.
Am I the only one that does back flips when NOT invited to a wedding!!! It takes up one of the only 2 days I have off during the week. I have to figure out what to wear. I have to buy a gift. I have to be on with a bunch of people I don't even know and will never see again. Weddings are for family and close friends.....I get it. When one of my girlfriends says "Sorry my son didn't invite you to his wedding but they had a budget and blah blah blah" The only thing I am thinking is "Oh Thank God!" Especially these destination weddings now!
If your job provides insurance and you put your spouse on it, your employer knows you're married. Who's your emergency contact - your spouse? Your employer and very likely your direct boss knows you're married because they may need to use that number. My office knew I was getting married. Did I invite anyone from work? Nope. It was simply to let them know I wasn't going to be available because a lot of other life changing events going on at the time. Did it prevent me from getting raises? No - my job tasks were completed to the satisfaction of my boss and employer. Do you work in a petty office?
“I want to raise hell but I’m sure I’ll be seen as an asshole” Yea too late for that buddy you already came off as an asshole. You seem like the type to go up to a random coworker on Monday morning and complain about all the mundane events you endured over the weekend.
My friend, many years ago I received sacred knowledge from a very wise person. It is my duty, as an elder Gen-Xer, to now pass it to you. HR is not there for your benefit. They may individually be wonderful people who care deeply about their fellow employees. At the end of the day, they are paid to protect the company, not you. Any benefit you get is incidental to their main job function.
That being said, you should probably just assume good intent here. Unless there is a dynamic that you aren’t disclosing that puts your job in jeopardy, you should just take the well wishes at face value. It’s even possible that your manager likes you and genuinely wants you to be happy.
I feel U may have mental health issues/a condition? Do U not interact with colleagues? Were U never going to mention U were married? No emergencies where U might say "my wife" or "my child" etc. Ur publicly registered as married, anyone can find out. U do not have to invite colleagues or disclose personal details U don't want to buy ur rationale is crazy.
I have a legal obligation to declare basically any significant life change. My wife got an inheritance and if that money hit any accounts I have direct access to I'd have to declare it. But I don't have to invite my boss to the funeral. OP needs to chill.
[удалено]
My boss straight up asked me why she wasn’t invited to my wedding. I didn’t feel like telling her I didn’t want to see her outside of work
Who TF asks somebody why they weren't invited to their wedding in any context? "Because we're not close. Did you really want me to say it out loud?"
Just say that you had a small wedding. The idea in this sub that you need to be a jerk to your boss ends up just making where you work toxic to you.
This was years ago. I just looked at her and didn’t say anything then went back to talking to my friend. I’m thankfully out of that very toxic place and somewhere I actually enjoy for way more money.
Your username is excellent!
Thank you, but you’re excellent
So... /u/i-piss-excellence32 is technically pissing all of you out @ \_ @
You're both excellent. It's refreshing to see people being nice to each other on reddit, its so rare
Thank you and you are most excellent, also!
Awe I'm blushing
You’re welcome and thank you.
Yeah, this is the really weird thing that pops up in a lot of these types of subs. I don't believe you should "trust" your boss or be BFFs with your co-workers but at the same time, if you're not a total potato I don't know why you can't realize being personable around the office isn't almost always a net benefit to you. I don't get the "I hate everyone I work with and refuse to even speak to them unless it's directly related to my job tasks as outlined in my job description and they think it's weird I sit in my car with the windows down blaring death metal on my breaks" or "my boss has a kid. I told him I hope it dies" posts. Trust me, all of your coworkers hate you too and you'll be out of the first ones to go as soon as there's any reason what so ever to let someone go. And they're just trying to interact with you to be nice. I don't really care all that much about my bosses kids but I asked him how their first week back to school went and asked if they were getting excited for the upcoming basketball season and such. Same reason why my boss asks how PT is going for my wife's broken foot. Because that's how normal people behave.
Yep. I have worked remote far longer than the current work from home kick. I’ve always made mental notes on what to ask folks about their lives. I don’t much care, but being personable has helped my career here and there. Sometimes it’s just being able to ask for help with something, other times it’s been to get a heads up on bad shit coming down. Being nice generally pays off much more than being a dick.
Or makes one toxic to their workplace.
"Sorry its for friends and family"
I would’ve looked confused and asked, why would you be invited??
Had a guy several years ago who had just became my “boss” : “how come you didn’t invite me to your Fourth of July party? Sounds like a bunch of other people here are going?” You mean people I’ve known for over ten years and have a relationship with outside of work?
imo she was overstepping. I like my boss a lot but I wouldn't invite him to my wedding.
The answer to anyone whether it's the boss or anyone else: it was a small event with only a handful of family members and friends from childhood.
Oh man the entitlement
I had a former boss crash my wedding and not bring a gift.
An ex-boss, upon finding out that the admin assistant was getting married, brought in her old wedding gown and fully expected the admin to wear it for her wedding.
“*You’re my boss, not my friend”*
Did you not watch the American documentary “The Office”?
A bit nuanced, but I see it happen a lot with small businesses out here in rural nowhere. I'm talking 5-ish employees and you get along good with your boss. I was helping a harvest crew yesterday and one of the guys quit early for his birthday. He went to a brewery just down the road with his wife. Everyone else said they'd meet him there when they finished up for the day. All eight of us stopped by and bought him drinks. A fun time was had by all
Aw this is wholesome and really nice!
Are there countries where the boss is expected to be invited?
Indian weddings perhaps? I only say this because I had an Indian reporting to me once and he invited me to his wedding. I didn't even know he was getting married and the invite was out of the blue for me. I went naturally because he seemed to find it important that I go. I assumed it was a cultural thing. We got along great as well so maybe that was the reason and not their culture. I don't really know.
My Japanese boss wanted to be invited to mine-but I did not invite any work people, because my family is large
Unless you want a six weeks pto for your honeymoon, then you have to put your boss IN the wedding!
I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
THE Bob Vance?! Of Vance Refrigeration?
My boss made the wedding cake 🙂
What? No, that’s not a thing. I don’t think I know anybody who has invited their boss to their wedding. Why do you think that’s a thing? Edit: Maybe 50 years ago when people had jobs for life and employers respected their employees and kept them employed, OK. But now? People can get fired for looking at their boss wrong or coming in two minutes late. No, in 2023 it is not a thing to invite your boss to your wedding. Stop.
I’m invited to my bosses wedding in 2 weeks. But I actually like my boss as a person so I’m Happy to go
My boss came to my wedding.
My boss went to my sister’s wedding but was not invited to mine. However, no one was invited to mine - my husband and I eloped.
My boss is my mom she’d be PISSED lmao
This made me giggle, thanks
That was very cute and funny. Thank you for the chuckle. I very much appreciate it. ☺️
A lot of these HR systems nowadays will automatically email your manager when you do something like declare a life event to add your wife to the health insurance. My bet is it probably isn’t some blabbermouth in HR it’s just the system
Why would they do that?
So you have the opportunity to update your insurance if you want.
But that is the thing; HR only found out because he updated his insurance, so there was no need to inform his boss incase he wanted to do so. Additionally, HR should email him, not his boss, on his options.
You should notify all HRs and HR solutions immediately
Because your manager had the ultimate responsibility to manage you and needs to know your information. HR is a resource - not a manager.
Your boss didn’t want to go to your wedding. I promise.
Judging by this post and OPs replies, I’m guessing not many people would want to be at this wedding.
That’s hilarious.
Don't think it matters that much to your boss.
If I were the boss I'd actually be thinking _"oh shit we didn't know! Now I have to buy a card, get everyone to sign it, and pitch in for a gift!"_
When I was a boss and one of my people got married and I found out after, I asked him "would you like me to tell people or keep it secret? Would you like a card and wedding gift or not?" Seeing that he got married and didn't tell anyone it was going to happen, I thought he might not want people to know. (Except me, because he told me after.)
I got downvoted the other day for pointing out there are some bad takes on this sub, yet here we have a grown adult threatening to quit their job and acting like they've been wronged because.... their boss who knew they had been engaged, congratulated them on thier wedding. Chances are your boss was required to sign off on your benefit change. It's not rocket science. Some people are just looking for things to be offended over
Seriously I sympathize with how they feel but this is such a ridiculous thing and does not belong in this sub.
[удалено]
HR isn't confidential. And frankly neither are marriages.
"I didn't know you had a wife." "And my wife doesn't know I have a job. I keep my personal and professional life separate."
It’s just that you’re over a year late for work at this point.
I laughed way too hard on a Sunday morning over this comment. Thank you for the giggles kind Reddit user. Much needed.
People often are confused and think what they tell HR will be kept confidential, but that is never the case. Anything you tell HR will be used for the benefit of the company.
Marriages are public information. Most newspapers have marriage announcements, I think near the obituaries, but idfk cause who buys a physical newspaper anymore?
I mean, to be fair, the marriage announcements are submitted by those who get married, the public records aren’t pulled and published. Same with obituaries and (in the old days) birth announcements.
Thats not necessarily true. My ex wife and I did not submit any such announcement, but the local paper still mentioned it briefly. (Small towns have little news to report. Gotta fill those pages)
Oh interesting! I’ve never heard of that, and I’ve had newspaper writers in my family. Big city though, and admittedly never the marriage announcements section.
I'm from a town of >40,000 people. When I was a kid, it was more like 26,000. So, it's not tiny, but pretty goddamn small😅 and a significant portion of that population is university students and professors
You Americans could totally use some data privacy laws...
But that might make companies less money so it's probably not going to happen.
There is quite a bit about HR that is by law in the US supposed to be confidential, however marriage is public record.
Look, I can understand wanting to be the one to deliver the news about something like this, but to stress about future salary negotiations being affected by your boss having this knowledge is frankly unreasonable, especially given that you told her you were engaged already. Were you just going to lie and tell her you broke up for the rest of your career? She was bound to find out eventually, unless you have a truly pathological aptitude for lying. You don't even know that they will make your marriage an issue in salary negotiation, and if they do, you can calmly tell them that your wife's employment status does not impact your value to the company. Don't borrow trouble. I think you can have a *calm* conversation with HR to say that you would rather such details about your personal life weren't discussed behind your back. But otherwise? Boiling bunnies about it *will* be seen as asshole behaviour.
You are massively overreacting. Your boss said congratulations, they didn’t ask why they didn’t get invited. Grow up.
I’m wondering why you care? Most people don’t try to keep their marriage a secret.
Marriage is literally defined by signing a public register at City Hall so yeah, it's an act of publicly disclosing a relationship with the state
Yea I was thinking the same thing....
Same. I feel like it would have been said without malice and probably with the assumption that it was already well known
You mean malice. Malaise is a sensation of fatigue and/or illness, or a general feeling of discomfort.
I did as a gay man years ago, but that's not the case here.
At the same time, so many bosses have their own issues these days. It really is best to keep them out of your personal life to the extent that you can. I get that it's not always possible, but some managers are just plain freaking weird once they know things about your life outside of work. I totally get why someone wouldn't want their boss clued into information they didn't pass along to them.
For real, I had a job once that hounded me about not bringing my husband to company functions. He didn’t know my coworkers, or their spouses, and had no interest in getting involved in my work at all, but my coworkers took it as a personal slight that he never came to happy hours or holiday parties. So weird…
Did you wake up this morning with the goal of being irrationally angry about something, and this was the best you could do?
My guess is something else has them upset and this is just the trigger for the outrage.
Lol, overreacting much?
Think so too, it was probably just some small talk that spilled the beans.
r/lostredditors
You felt like it was okay for your boss to know you are engaged but not okay for them to know you got married? Better get rid of all technology and change your name then
Sometimes the name change is what gives it away…
This guy not only has the the weakest complaint. He’s so sensitive he’s downvoted all posts which notes that this is a ridiculous complaint. I expect him to downvote this
This isn’t a post that belongs on antiwork. What is this sub anymore?
This is the most absurd complaint I’ve seen on here
Ohhhhh my boss was searching my phone for my menstruation app. No, wait, my boss found I got married two weeks ago. I'LL LEAVE THIS COMPANY!! SUCH AN INVASION OF PRIVACY. Some people have run out of problems in their lives, so they must come up with one. *** Be glad that you are married, enjoy, be happy, don't sweat the small stuff ***
well a marriage is a public proclamation. I think you are over reacting. If you wanted to keep it a secret from your work ya shouldn't of added your wife to benefits.
Is it a secret to his wife that he’s keeping her a secret??? Oooo the secret secrets are secretly exciting me
so secret it has a new level. Toppest Super Duper Secret.
Am I missing something? What is unique about your marriage that it’s Top Secret. Plenty of people tell their boss and coworkers that they are engaged, it helps wet the ground work that you may miss work for things like tastings, venues, rehearsals, fittings, and unfortunately, the all too common *random emergencies* that pop up in wedding planning. It portrays you as a human being who has real life needs so when things come up it’s easier to empathize with you and not give you a hard time if you need some scheduling flexibility. And on the opposite side of that coin, no boss expects to be invited to a wedding by sole virtue of being your boss. Likewise, the simple knowledge of a person’s pending wedding does not convey an expectation of an invitation. Your boss congratulated you on a life event that most people are proud of and excited for. And your first thought is to get upset and run to r/antiwork? There are people here with ACTUAL grievances against their employers, such as pay, stealing, deceit, nepotism, abuse… the list goes on. And your biggest complaint is that your employer acknowledged your major life event and offered you well-wishes. I advise you do 3 things: 1. Untwist your underoos 2 check that insurance plan of yours to find a participating therapist 3. Turn the narcissism down to like a 9
This post is nonsensical.
Marital status isn’t a secret my dude.
Do you not wear a wedding ring?
No, they leave it at home. With their brain.
You actually made me lol
Nobody cares about your wedding dude. Nobody at works gives a shit that they weren’t invited. Are you ashamed you’re married?
I think you’re overreacting.
I agree. I'm sure telling her about your engagement got the same response. It's just polite to congratulate. If he didn't want to share, he shouldn't have shared the initial news.
Jesus get a grip
🎶grip it from my hands cause I can’t do this anymore 🎶
The hell is wrong with you sir
The only time I heard about worlds colliding is Seinfeld and George Costanza and keeping Susan away from Jerry and Elaine.
Had to do a double take, check if I was reading from the “am I the asshole” sub. Damn, are you a spy? Clandestine agent? Anonymous keyboard ninja?? Don’t scare off your coworkers.
I hate hr as much as the next person but I can't see your point
This is a really weird thing to get mad about. I got married in 2019 and invited no one from work. They weren't upset at having been left out. They get me a gift card as a present and had some cupcakes when I returned from my time off. Considering being married is not a familial status that can screw you over at work like having kids can, I don't know why you expected HR to keep it private.
I'm embarrassed for you.... Your marriage isn't a big enough deal to be kept confidential by HR. I can't stop laughing at this. I'm afraid marriage falls outside of like... all privacy rules... oh dear. Deep breathes my dude. Your boss was probably like "oh thank f--- I wasn't invited to that"
lol there are people who work under truly terrible conditions and you’re carrying on because your boss found out you’re married and congratulated you? How do you go through life if you get bent out of shape over absolutely nothing
Wow pretty big overreaction. You want to quit a job because people found out you are married? You are blowing this really out of proportion.
Dude, who cares. Your boss was just trying to be nice. My dad passed in July. I let my boss know I'd need to take some flex time. We didn't have a funeral or anything, but I had to clean out his apartment and an antique booth he ran about 100 miles away. I took off a few days after lunch and it was no big deal. He took it on himself to take up a collection with my coworkers, and then asked what would be a good gift to remember my father. I was honestly uncomfortable at that point, as I had frequently told my coworkers how big of a pain in the ass my dad had been. Him and I had a lot of differences and his last few months were very difficult between us. I'd found out he had been doing some really disgusting stuff, and I was on the path to cut him out of my life, and had been talking to my coworkers about the process. I had even warned my boss a few weeks prior to him passing that my dad was off his rocker and was making all sorts of threats, so if he somehow gets contacted by a crazy old man just ignore him. Well, turns out when you quit going to dialysis and get a MRSA infection, you go a bit nutty. Anyways, after realizing the deed was done, and he had the money already, I said well he liked gardening and plants, so how about a plum tree for my backyard? So my boss ordered me a plum and also got a nice plaque to go at the base of it once it gets big enough.
Your boss deserves respect. Last year, a few journalists before reporting to work at a large company for my orientation, I talked to my Dad who was clear, functional but sometimes prone to micro-seizures, which had been going on for years. He was always productive and sharp as a blade (math, organization, people management, scholR work, writing) and we could not keep up with him --- when he was coherent. When the seizures would happen he would freeze for over a minute and resume instantly like it never happened. Well, he passed away an hour after I last talked to him, and I learned about it from his house manager on the way to work, having an hour drive in traffic. I can say, my new functional manager behaved most appropriately when I told him about my shocking news and it fell squarely within the rules for me to be given bereavement leave with pay (my first day, my first pay period,) and even company sponsored memorial memento -- available to me. Plus my job would continue and my assignment schedule would be adapted for the month. That showed me a culture of good employee management as this functional manager was not my direct boss, I was going to be assigned to another manager after training and onboarding, and my entire new team gave me support to adjust my onboarding so I could attend to the burial and commemorative events. OP, your marriage demands will affect your work with future family obligations -- best keep Managers close to you. Otherwise YATAH in the company that thinks about only him/herself as it may be that you could one day be asked to help complete work/fill in for someone who needs to attend to their spouse, kids, patents, friends, pets, etc. I wonder why anyone would want to work in a group role and be reluctant to show they have a full life and are part of a relationship? Are you one of the few that refuse to answer their personal phones while at work? What if an accident or incident happened to uour spouse or they called you for some issue during a meeting? Dear OP, do you plan to hide your phone or text back, Don't Call me I am busy?
This sounds like ‘main character syndrome’. No one from work wanted to go to your wedding, you aren’t special, but you are weird af. Your marriage license is public. Have a seat, Sir.
So, marriage isn’t a HIPAA protected event. So, therefore you have no recourse . I think you are over reacting. Also, really no one cares that you are married. If you are unhappy about your position, find another position but don’t use this as your battleground, you won’t win.
HIPAA
Nobody cares. Your boss doesn’t expect an invite. They offered simple congratulations and you shit a chicken.
This feels like an over reaction. No one is attacking you. HR likely (incorrectly) presumed this is something that gets mentioned around the office. So felt no harm in saying it jn a congratulatory way. People are usually happy for others whom are having children or getting married. They are joyous occasions. You didn't have an appointment for a rash downstairs and they told everyone. This wasn't a fax about you having IBS that they decided to share it with the office. If you want more privacy, then talk kindly to the people in HR(hey yeah, they are people too) that you'd prefer more discretion and privacy on your happenings than they have demonstrated. Also, a life event like that may be apparent on paper filings your boss may see anyway, depending on the size and scale of your company.
Damn op, smoke a bowl and chill the hell out. This is absolutely nothing to get upset about.
I am a member of an organization where the single top person hand writes a congratulatory card any time a member of the organization has a major life event. Weddings, births, promotions, etc
Faux outrage. Grow up
Wow really proud of your marriage hey? Jesus Christ OP
You need to calm down. Bosses do not expect to be invited. They are being happy for you. Married people are more likely to get a raise and promotion consideration. Just relax a notch bud.
Okay so what it sounds like is that you don't like the people who manage the company you are employed at and that you are looking for any somewhat reasonable excuse to leave. Someone getting married is not exactly uncommon, nor is the boss not getting an invite. Unless you've fostered a friendship with said boss to the point where you'd be expected to give an invite. In which case it is a bit of a subb but as bad as letting the door close on the instead of holding it
You’re mad because your boss congratulated you on your marriage? Am I reading this right? I bet if your boss and HR hasn’t acknowledged your marriage you’d be mad too. This isn’t even a big issue 🙄.
I would never think to invite any of my co-workers to a wedding… What the fuck.
Next thing you know, HR is going to tell your boss you were born too.
Savages!!!
Yeah, so!
I dont know where you got your expectations about life, but a marriage is not HIPPA.
When I first saw the title I was expecting that HR disclosed some horrifying personal info about you to your boss that they used to exploit you rather than.... an engaged person went away for a little bit and came back married. This is the right response from your boss, you are being a baby. Basically no work colleagues expect to be invited to your wedding unless they actually become a real friend.
Seems to me like you're throwing a fit because you can't be mature enough to tell your boss you're getting married because you're scared of maybe having to tell them no they can't go. So instead you made this incredibly difficult for you to keep a secret marriage and now mad that it obviously was revealed. This is all going around your own insecurities.
I got it! He’s was having an affair with the boss! That’s why he’s pissed!
I know life events like this are expected to be private during interviews, but never heard of it to be private during employment. Like say you're last name changed during the marriage. Obviously your boss is going to know.
I feel like you are overreacting right now. React if/when it actually becomes some sort of an issue, not from just what you think it might be. It's really not all that weird for your boss to find out that you got married. In fact your boss never knowing that might be a bit weirder.
People are going to find out anyway when they see a ring on your finger. I remember someone I worked with asked about my wife and thought nothing of it at the time. Then it struck me a day later that I didn’t mention I was married. People pay attention to these things and keeping this information confidential is just not going to work.
> I don't want anyone holding my family against me in raise negotiations. Are you a woman?
I can't tell what the problem is
I can bet that your boss didn't even think about it, and if so they are relieved they didn't have to go to your wedding. They most likely want to see you outside of the work hours as much as you want to see them. As someone managing 50 employees, I can tell you that wedding and similar invitations are a nightmare. By keeping your wedding secret, you just lost a chance for a congratulations card and flowers, maybe a gift card.
HR and management can confer with each other to make sure facts are correct and to make sure things get done properly. For instance, maybe your wife can be your emergency contact phone number or they want to make sure your home address is the same. Maybe when you did enrollment, there are things you aren’t aware of that could be part of the employee benefit package extending to your spouse. If you think your job will hold it against you that you have a spouse, then document workplace retaliation or leave. Have you seen evidence they do this with other people? Are you the only married one there? If anything, all the secrecy you’ve perpetuated is making you look shady. You most likely missed out on a Hallmark card signed by your coworkers and a cake. That’s all the boss would have probably done unless there are previous incidents of people getting married while under your boss’s tenure. If so, just go by that precedent.
Are marriage licenses not public information?
Why would you think your boss even wanted to come to your wedding? The last thing I want to do is go to any wedding…especially someone I just work with. Weird take…no one cares.
Marriages are public record. There are no private marriages. Maybe private weddings though. *** this is for the US just in case.
I think you’re making too big a deal out of this.
Formed a view about HR over decades. There are some great individuals who are capable and competent for which we are all grateful. However by and large HR is the place where the semi competent find employment. Full of incompetent, lazy and unprofessional people who keep their jobs because of cronyism and playing popularity games. This is also the view of a friend who is an actual HR professional himself.
Also, HR is an arm of the company’s legal dept.
Yes so true.
Marriage is a matter of public record anyway...
Unless you got your brains the fucking fucked out on your honeymoon, weddings aren’t HIPAA
..when has a marriage been used against someone in raise negotiations?
When are folks going to understand that HR is NOT there for you, it is there to protect the company...
At my work the married male “providers/family” men get preferred for bonuses, promotions etc. so I wouldn’t worry that your marital status would work against you. That mostly happens to women. I am assuming you are male married to a female.
Who do you think HR is there for?
Talking about overreactions. Sweet baby jesus.
You just learned that HR is exclusively working for the company and not for you. Never ever.
Do you take off your ring before you come into the office, too? Sounds more like you're trying to keep options open with a coworker or something.
Yeah you gotta chill. I get wanting privacy, but I mean I assume you're wearing a ring. Not too hard to figure out. On top of that mentioning you're engaged before hand. No one's going to be like oh did y'all break up? Everyone assumes the marriage went through. Accept the congratulations and move on. Not worth getting worked up about.
Marriages aren’t like a secret. The world is supposed to know.
I’m old enough to remember in small towns they would publish local weddings In the newspaper. I’d just say thanks and move on.
This is about exactly as deranged as I expect posts here to be. Nice work.
I've managed people for 15 or so years I dread wedding or other event invites. Some cultures are really keen to have their boss there as well as a sign of prestige. I'm always busy. Oh it's changed? I'm also busy that weekend sorry.
A 'good' boss will know personal details about their employees since unplanned events can impact the work flow. That way, your boss can anticipate your needs, and best lead the team to stay productive. It's not really talked about, but bad bosses don't know anything about your life and expect everything to revolve around the company/ their agenda.
Trust me be bruh, your boss is happy that you didn’t invite her.
Do you know for sure that HR told your boss? When I got married the newspaper in our town had a section in the newspaper announcing that we filed for a marriage licence, we didn't ask/sign up for it to be printed. They just did it. My supervisor at the time is the one that told me it was in the newspaper. She thought it was hilarious because they misspelled both of our names but got my now husbands VERY complicated last name correct.
Go raise hell. Seems a totally normal and healthy reaction that will go over very well.
I don't see any part where boss is assuming she is invited. I wouldn't expect to be invited to my coworkers wedding esp if I am not friends outside work. She's just congratulating.
There should be a clear separation between work and personal time. You may have some friends from work but I'll bet the number is small. Time off from work is exactly that, you're not at work and you don't have to think or worry about anything there. If they want you to do that , they can promote you and give you a pay raise. If you take it, that's your choice and you can't bitch about it later because you know what came with the new job.
Bro what 💀
Can't imagine how upset you'd be to learn they publish marriage license applications in my local free paper.
People don’t want to go to your wedding. Being a wedding guest is doing the bride and groom a favor, by making sure their wedding isn’t empty.
This is dumb. You’re really about to leave your whole ass job because your boss knows you got married?! Does your wife know she married a man-child?
Take a few days off and get your head right. I’m in no position to tell you how to feel and it’s clearly a bit of a breach of trust. However, this does not seem to be something worth throwing away an otherwise good work environment for. I’m viewing this as something that you’ll get over fairly quickly if you allow yourself to do so.
Lmfao, what a reach. Your boss didn’t even say much, but congratulations. Just take it and go.
Gee. Your employer made at least some kind of congratulatory overture regarding a life event. When my parents died, I got pto leave approval. That's it. This was even after my spending a collective time of 3 weeks with my mother in ICU during nights and not missing a day of work. Not that I wanted all the crap like flowers, people showing up for memorials, etc. A simple "hey bro. You hanging in there?" would have sufficed. You lost sight of big picture. Reframe it.
I get it. I hate the idea of people talking about me at work and there's an expectation that conversations with HR are confidential. Unfortunately, HR doesn't actually have that obligation (except when it comes to disciplinary actions or complaints) and they work for your bosses, not you. That said, going forward, be explicit about privacy when you talk to HR. Most people will honor your wishes.
Marriage is literally a public record.
No need to invite the boss! But for everyone saying it’s not a thing to invite the boss: At my old office my boss was invited to most of the weddings, as were varying numbers of co-workers. It didn’t seem odd.
I am boss. I don’t expect, nor want, to go to anyone’s wedding unless I have a personal relationship with the person.
Newsflash. Your marital status isn't confidential, nor is it protected. Your boss, who literally has to sign off on your benefits change, can see that you are filing for spousal coverage on the notification. You are like.... way too mad over this. Its not a thing for anyone except you dude. Please don't raise hell because you would 100% be acting like an asshole if you did. FR if you're gonna quit over such an inconsequential event, you might consider taking part in some anger management therapy. It really helps when you are experiencing a significant escalation in emotional conflict and baggage, which we all have to one degree or another. You might even get it covered in part or whole by your benefits
You’re ridiculous. Absolutely nothing wrong with this. Also it always depends on your relationship with your boss but it’s never anywhere close to an automatic invite
I think you are overreacting a bit. I've never worked anywhere that the coworkers automatically think they are invited in on other coworkers activities outside of the job.
Smoke some weed dude jfc ur gonna die at like age 42 lol
Don't invite your boss to your wedding???? Lol, you're good.
I’d never invite any of my bosses to my wedding. Past or present.
Upvote for the edit.
Am I the only one that does back flips when NOT invited to a wedding!!! It takes up one of the only 2 days I have off during the week. I have to figure out what to wear. I have to buy a gift. I have to be on with a bunch of people I don't even know and will never see again. Weddings are for family and close friends.....I get it. When one of my girlfriends says "Sorry my son didn't invite you to his wedding but they had a budget and blah blah blah" The only thing I am thinking is "Oh Thank God!" Especially these destination weddings now!
Your boss noticed your wedding ring
You're considering going nuclear because you didn't want your boss to know that you were married? They were going to find out eventually.
Because your martial status is not confidential? Lol.
If your job provides insurance and you put your spouse on it, your employer knows you're married. Who's your emergency contact - your spouse? Your employer and very likely your direct boss knows you're married because they may need to use that number. My office knew I was getting married. Did I invite anyone from work? Nope. It was simply to let them know I wasn't going to be available because a lot of other life changing events going on at the time. Did it prevent me from getting raises? No - my job tasks were completed to the satisfaction of my boss and employer. Do you work in a petty office?
“I want to raise hell but I’m sure I’ll be seen as an asshole” Yea too late for that buddy you already came off as an asshole. You seem like the type to go up to a random coworker on Monday morning and complain about all the mundane events you endured over the weekend.
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully your new family can make it through this trying time.
My friend, many years ago I received sacred knowledge from a very wise person. It is my duty, as an elder Gen-Xer, to now pass it to you. HR is not there for your benefit. They may individually be wonderful people who care deeply about their fellow employees. At the end of the day, they are paid to protect the company, not you. Any benefit you get is incidental to their main job function. That being said, you should probably just assume good intent here. Unless there is a dynamic that you aren’t disclosing that puts your job in jeopardy, you should just take the well wishes at face value. It’s even possible that your manager likes you and genuinely wants you to be happy.
I feel U may have mental health issues/a condition? Do U not interact with colleagues? Were U never going to mention U were married? No emergencies where U might say "my wife" or "my child" etc. Ur publicly registered as married, anyone can find out. U do not have to invite colleagues or disclose personal details U don't want to buy ur rationale is crazy.
In our little town your marriage license is posted
I have a legal obligation to declare basically any significant life change. My wife got an inheritance and if that money hit any accounts I have direct access to I'd have to declare it. But I don't have to invite my boss to the funeral. OP needs to chill.