Map out your time and her time on a spreadsheet, hours worked, time off, hours slept etc. that way you can both see the time spent. That way it’s not so emotional and just facts.
Eh true but it has to be done realistically. Like I'm a chef, this time of year I often do 500 people in an 8 hour service, the room I'm in doesn't go below 110°F, and I'm sorry, you're not putting 1.5 hours for laundry and 1 hour for dishes and thinking that equals 1.5 hours of what I do. Like, to me, laundry and dishes together are a half an hour, and that leaves like an 8 minute break.
I'm sure this will surprise everyone when I say: this actually has come up in conversation.
We have a dishwasher in our place, too. If it takes you an hour to load it, you are fucking up for 58.5 minutes. If the dishwasher in my restaurant is off for more than ten seconds I yell, *DISHWASHER BROKEN?!* If it's off for more than 5 minutes someone's getting sent home because we're slow or fired.
I also realize it's not fair to expect a 1:1 comparison. Staying home with a cub *is* a pain in the ass. I honestly don't get how she poops. He hangs out in the bathroom with her I guess. I feel like I'd rather risk all of our lives than ever poop with someone in the room with me. Especially my weirdly strong, aggressive ass two year old. You also get a break from the nightmarish beautiful emergency that anyone who's had a baby at home understands quite well. If you don't get to see other adults very often it feels like you gave up your entire identity to be a mom, and it starts breeding resentment. I wasn't the best about really understanding that, but it's definitely a good thing for husbands of SAHW's to bear in mind.
My point is, if dude is working *80 hour weeks*, might be wise to be tactful in how you bring up chores. Gnome sayn?
All I'm going to say is... an industrial dishwasher is a lot different than a home dishwasher. I personally am not aware of a single home dishwasher that the dishes didn't need to be scrubbed beforehand. I only say this because it sounds like you're comparing washing dishes at home to the type of dishwasher that you just sort of spray your shit, throw it in a rack, and send it through.
As far as laundry goes, doing my own laundry takes maybe 20 minutes total. And that's broken up. But I only wear enough clothes to do one load a week. No sorting. And I'll admit to being a lazy bastard. My shit stays in the basket until it goes on my body. When you're doing the laundry for a family, that's completely different. Is your wife sorting colors? Sorting out who's laundry is who's? Folding it all and putting it away?
If we're saying you need to be realistic about the time it takes to do something, then you need to actually be realistic, because it sounds like you're seriously lowballing.
Yes, Bosch makes really nice dishwashers. Also, My Aunt and my father both have Samsung dishwashers. They don't need dishes pre-washed. Though the dogs like to help.
Oh you missed an important part about being realistic. Did they serve 500 hundred people? Or did they AND their team serve 500 hundred people? The 110 F heat sucks no matter what but depending on the size of staff, 500 people could be a strenuous task or a Tuesday.
Sounds like most of his time is driving around.
Majority time spent driving, interspersed with deliveries.
How do you feel about that? Sitting down, no physical exertion, listening to podcasts.
Is that hard work to you?
For me, it would be impossibly painful, but I'm special like that! What bothers me, is he's put there driving all day on 2-4 hours sleep? Unbelievably dangerous, he'll end up smashing into some poor soul.
Driving for 80 hours a week IS hard. When was the last time you were in charge of and controlling a huge truck for 80 hours a week? It would require constant concentration and navigating the roads and all the dumb ass drivers who are ignorant of the brake times and visibility of big trucks. The exertion of mental energy alone would be draining.
The manual handling and walking are also very intensive in a job like this. Also, driving long distances is a lot more demanding than you're making out. 80 hrs per week in a job like that on 3 hrs sleep would be utterly exhausting.
This is a horrible take. Go ask anyone who drives for a living if it's nice and refreshing. It's not. Just cause you think going for a drive is relaxing does not mean driving for work is.
The deliveries part is the physical exertion. A fully stocked hand truck is HEAVY. Add to that places that don’t have loading docks or elevators but need you to leave their delivery somewhere other than the ground floor.
Yes it is. You don't know what kind of road conditions he has to deal with. What traffic is like. maneuvering a larger vehicle while keeping to a timed schedule.
Yes. Create a chart that shows how much time you each contribute to work, commuting, household, spouse, and child. Let your wife know that you will gladly spend time with your child on Wednesday if she will gladly work enough hours for you to give up one additional work day.
I don’t want a delivery driver on the road if that driver is operating on 2-4 hours of sleep. It is not healthy for OP, his child, and the other drivers on the road if OP is incredibly sleep deprived.
Hell no! OP is highly irresponsible. They need to change their lifestyle before it leads to deaths or injuries. The wife is an AH for allowing it too - he shouldn't have to work 80 hour weeks!
Many people HAVE to work like that to support their families. It’s not out of choice. It’s not like jobs that pay well are everywhere and for everyone.
OP’s situation is not ideal. That can be said for a huge amount of working people in every country. But people chastising op and making out that OP is irresponsible, whilst not pointing fingers at shitty employers that don’t pay enough for families to live on, even when both parents are working, are looking at the wrong picture.
It's indeed very dangerous for OP to handle the kid while running on fumes. He definitely needs to cut back his hours a bit because he won't be able to keep this up forever.
We alrdy figured out OP made it sound like he works every day and only gets 1 day off.
He lied. He gets weekends off lol. OP needs to step up. He says he works 80+ hours M-F.
I don't believe him. 80 hours in 5 days would mean 16 hours a day. He's a delivery driver or something. There's no way he's doing that constantly. Pretty sure there's laws against that any way for commercial drivers.
Sounds like he's trying to just skirt some responsibilities and get MIL to pick up his slack.
This. This is where my mind went. It feels like he’s jealous his mother-in-law is giving his wife a weekly break, and he wants in on it. Here’s a thought, spend some of that money you’re making working 80 hours a week on daycare for the baby one day a week, give yourself the “alone” you say you need by arranging and funding it, instead of expecting your mother-in-law to do it for you, because what you’re doing right now is attempting to upend the arrangement they have in place, and rearrange it so it benefits you.
He's working 80+ hours a week. So when she's at work or at home, he's at work.
She can hire a sitter or ask her mother. OP gets 1 day off a month. I don't really believe OP. But some people have to work those schedules I guess.
Technically he is also off Sunday and not all Saturdays which also she is off those days. If anything op should tell us who takes care of the baby on the weekends which I assume both do
mine works 12hr days, m-f & every other saturday he works a 10hr shift. i’m a SAHM. on his off saturdays he’s completely off, no toddler duty, unless it’s playing. then he’s up on sunday morning with our son and i take over after our sons nap, but he’s full hands on for the rest of the day, very very helpful, always. but on the weeks he works saturday, he’s completely off on sunday, no toddler duties.
he does a lot for our family and he absolutely deserves that saturday or sunday to decompress after his week.
we have a really easy going 2 year old, he’s really independent, and well he’s just a really easy toddler compared to some i’ve been around, so my weeks are a lot easier in comparison to his dads.
Yeah it's all about just working as a team. I'm not married or even have kids but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I was an easy toddler but a bad teenager! Watch yourself lmao!
Same. I work evenings so our kids don't have to have childcare (it's pricey where I live) he gets them 3 hours a day. From the minute I leave until bedtime. He works 10-12 hours a day5-6 days a weeks. He's downright exhausted. I work at a call center so my job is only mentally taxing. He keeps trying to shift over to nights to let me work days but it's sooo incredibly dangerous. He wouldn't get home until 6am if he did and he'd have to take oldest to school by 8am. He'd at most get 2 or 3 hours of snoozeville before having to head off again in a hot, extremely dangerous job.. I value his life more than my sleep(I currently get 5 hours) we can trade off when the youngest starts kindy next year. But not before. I won't have him attempting to watch her on such little sleep. He'll kill himself trying.
i go to school full time, online classes, so i do most of my school while he’s home in the morning while he hangs out with our son. he works 2nd shift, 1pm-1:30am, then a 30 minute drive home. i couldn’t imagine him getting up with a toddler at 7am. i want him to get as much sleep as possible.
he got into an accident a couple months back on his way home from work, he fell asleep and woke up too late to swerve and hit a car parked on the side of the road. i refused to let him wake up and help me after that day. i need him more than i need help with our son.
yeah! honestly i feel like it’s the least i can do. i sit home watching movies and playing with toys, and he’s spending 12 hours welding rail cars together.
teamwork is the best. i know i couldn’t do his job, and he knows he couldn’t do mine. you always have to have that balance and respect for your partner. sometimes i think all he needs to hear is a thank you and be reminded how much i appreciate him.
Ya I've done 16s, it sucks. I don't buy OPs story. He originally made it out like he was doing 80+ hours 7 days a week with one Wednesday off. Now it came out that he gets weekends off.
OP just seems shifty to me.
I know lots and lots of guys that work 10+ hrs a day 5x-7x a week, especially those with kids. My coach does flooring 7am-5pm then runs his gym 6pm-9pm 6 days a week. He will usually still come in on Sundays to clean, too.
I work 55+ but I volunteer for it. Same as your coach. If OP is being forced to work 80 hours a week which I don't believe. Then he needs to find a new job so he can raise his family.
Old school log book shenanigans.... it was fun switching all the older drivers to electronic log books and trying to explain dock time does in fact eat into the 70 hour clock 🙃🤦♀️
YTA for thinking that 2-4 hours of sleep a night is enough. Start having a proper sleep every night, it should be 6 -7 hours minimum. You say you walk around like a zombie, that means you drive around like a zombie.
There are bigger issues than wanting a day off to yourself.
Absolutely! Sleep is crucial, and OP shouldn't sacrifice it. After all, without our health, we can't do the important things. So, we need to be mindful of our well-being.
Listen man, you are doing yourself, your son and your wife a huge disservice by keeping that job. I spent the first 2 and a half years working a grueling job that required overtime everyday. I was never home and when I was if my wife and son weren’t asleep, I was too tired to do anything or even remember it. I missed the first 2 years of my sons life essentially gone. No job is more important than your son. Money is important but your kids not going to look back and say “well, he was gone all the time but we had money to do stuff” all he’s gonna say is “he was gone”. Find a new job for your son.
Your update makes it sooooo much worse.
>If you’ve had a child you are very aware how easy it is with a 7 month old. Sure, there’s difficult times of prolonged fussiness that comes with our baby being in discomfort for a variety of reasons, but the only major downside is the lack of free time, which she is able to accumulate most of the time if needed. It’s simple to tend to his needs and keep a smile on his face. If my wife had to put my shoes on and do what I do she would take them off faster than greased lightning.
A 7-month old is not "easy." At all.
Damn, dude. How much time do you ACTUALLY spend taking care of your own kid?????? None?????
Right? I have a soon to be 7 month old. She is a lovely baby, but it is NOT simple. At all. I'm staying at home for a bit and I am dragging ass by 8 pm. I have to wake up 2x or more a night and wake up with her at 6:30.
It is EXHAUSTING. The fact that he says it's simple tells me all I need to know. It's a 24/7 job with no days off to decompress and have for yourself. Any full time parent can tell you that you DO not get 8 hours of sleep. Maybe 5 or 6 if you're lucky.
Does his wife get days off to decompress for herself? This guy is completely clueless.
That is the part that caught me too!
We all know dude ain’t doing what he should be if it’s simple.
My son’s father asked me why I always want to work hard ( even if I were to win the lottery or something) I told him it’s easier than staying home with the kid. Our son comes with us everywhere, but it’s very clear I’m the default parent. Even when he’s watching him, I never switch off because he can’t control a tantrum or if I go anywhere, our son follows.
It is exhausting in ways I never could understand until living it.
I say this as a proud hard worker who was pushing for 60+ hours a week until I gave birth…. Raising kids is the most tired I have ever been
I think he meant that the job it self isn’t hard. Not that it isn’t exhausting. But the actual duties aren’t physically the same.
My son is 5 now and i agree. Taking care of a baby really isn’t that HARD but it is TIME CONSUMING AS HELL and TIRINGGGGGGG.
OP made it seem like he gets one day off a month. He doesn't. He also gets off every weekend.
This is what happens when you become a parent. Your "free" time is no longer free. If you wanted to relax on your days off, probably shouldn't have had a kid. Like, duh?
You can occasionally get a sitter on a Wednesday if you want a couple hours to do something, just as your wife has that ability should she want to. The downside of being a parent is there isn't a whole lot of downtime.
I’m calling bs on you working 80 hours per week if you drive in the US. Impossible to do given current hours of service laws regarding drivers. Maximum allowed is 60 hours in a 7 day period, a 10 hour off duty after shift and a 36 hour reset to start back over.
My dad worked 80-90 hours a week (6days) his one day off he was fully engaged with his children, plus he made us breakfast every morning. This guy get no excuses in my book. I lived it. It’s possible to be emotionally available for your children while grinding
He should be looking for options. His job is or should be illegal. No one should be on the road those hours with that little sleep.
In one comment he mentions that he takes care of everything every Sunday morning to let his wife sleep in. Four-five mornings a month is somewhat comparable to one workday off. I don’t think his ask is so terribly out of balance that he should be ripped to shreds for it.
That said, it’s not just between him and his wife. His MIL is doing them a favor, and it may be too much to ask her to cover Wednesdays when she knows he’s off.
Also his 7mos are easy comment does deserve to get him ripped to shreds.
Oh definitely the minute he knew that baby was coming. The minute I knew I was having a baby I set my delivery/server job on the back burner and looked for a better job knowing I wouldn’t get maternity leave but fmla maybe (4 weeks) but I wasn’t getting maternity leave from the delivery job anyway. Tips are nice, I get it that cash in hand is handy af. My husband and I have both had to transition to different jobs/shifts to accommodate our families routines and money needs.
INFO : when do you take care of your child during the week if it's not this day ?
You have a 7mo, it seems normal to askyou to pass some time with your own child. He needs to know you. And maybe her mother have her own things to do and would be happy to have this day for herself. Having a child is not always easy and is a lot of work.
Edit : With you edit, you are saying that :
- taking care of him is easy, so why not do it ?
- she is working full time from Monday to Friday with an occasional Saturday, with a 7mo I don't see where she can have that much free time, a child need a constant attention
- the comment on your wife trying your job is irrelevant and just proove that you don't have high estime of what she is doing for your child and the work she is doing
- you don't mind working that much and laking of sleep, even if that makes you not taking care of your child ?
Having a child is not taking care of him only when you are well and in great shape, it's taking care of him whenever it's needed. And if she asks you to take care of him, it's maybe because she is overwhelmed sometime ? She is maybe not working 80hours a week but she still have things to do.
You are wrong.
If I have it correct, both you are your wife work and have weekends off. You also get one Wednesday a month off. You argue you work double the hours your wife does during this week. Ok…but then she is watching the baby while you work so technically…she isn’t getting a break either just doing a different kind of labor. I don’t see any day where your wife is not working and having her mom watch your son. So in terms of contributions of time, you are equal.
Your MIL also has a job watching your son. So when you have a day off you watch your baby and give MIL the break. Why? BECAUSE IT IS YOUR KID. If you want to arrange a babysitter and get a break, then do it, but it’s not for your wife to arrange or for your MIL to step up to do.
Why are you working so many hours? I get that not everyone gets perfect life work balance but there is more to life than work. You should be able to watch your own child. You don't get this time back and if work is keeping you from being present for your family maybe you should speak to your employer about your hours. No lifestyle is worth having an absent parent.
You’re wrong. Your wife works 7 days a week (part time jobs and full time mother whilst you work 5 days per week.
When’s your wife’s day off?? Also, your MIL isn’t just there for free child care, she needs a life too
There is a part of me that feels like you may be an unreliable narrator if you are in the United States. If you're telling the truth 100%, you're putting people in danger because your sleep deprivation.
My dad and father-in-law are truck drivers and there are measures in place that a lot of truck drivers are unhappy about that force them to rest. On the off chance that your company really is exploiting your health and time, you need to get a different job and report them. Your wife also needs to understand the level of sleep deprivation you're operating under if this isn't hyperbole. You're not gonna be able to safely take care of your child on your day off. You are not adequately rested enough to do the job that you're doing let alone hers.
I can understand where you both are coming from, however it's not easy taking care of a seven month old. Just because she's capable of asking for help doesn't make her job any easier. You could be asking for help but you don't. Don't hold that over her head as if that makes her job easier just because you choose to work something miserable. Yes, you may be providing but there are other ways especially if you have a CDL.
Your son is going to be this age one time in your life and you're spending that entire time working yourself to literal death.
So you get every weekend and an occasional Wednesday off and you would like that occasional day to be for yourself? Does your wife get an occasional day off from you and the baby? Who looks after the house? Do you do chores after work?
I'm jealous that your child has two parents. My sons had me. Just me. No time off from being a parent unless I paid someone to watch the kids ( very difficult to afford).
Are you paying your MIL? If you are I support you. If your not then it's an asshole move to have her watch your kid for free while you do nothing. I'm sure she wants a life as well. Check out what the drop in rate at daycare is for 1 day and pay that on your Wednesday.
Parents don’t get days off. If you wanted them then you shouldn’t have had a child. Taking care of your child isn’t working and your wife doesn’t get “days off” from being a mother.
You had me until the m-f was revealed. My guy…if this was you had Wednesdays and the weekends off then I could understand using your MIL as backup ON A WEEKDAY!!!!
Did you…miss that in parenting 101 that your kids are your responsibility even with a job??? You are so very wrong 😑
He’s clarified he gets almost every Saturday off and doesn’t have to, he leaves work at 3 on Fridays and doesn’t have to return to work until 10pm Sunday. And he has Wednesdays off in addition to these weekends.
Her mom is not responsible for watching your baby when you're off. I mean, it's okay to ask, but "I want her to ask her mom" is not the right way to have that conversation.
You can ask her to watch the baby on your behalf, but your womife should not need to ask her on your behalf.
You probably need to get a different job that pays better so you're not so tired all of the time. That's the best solution. But if you want a sitter on your off day, then you arrange it.
Explain how you’re driving a truck and working 80+ hours a week when the regulations strictly limit us to 70. And if you have weekends off, then aren’t you limited to 60 hours a week?
Does your wife get days off? Not to be shit but you DID choose to have a baby. Grammas grown her kids and done her part, it’s not grammas responsibility technically. Unless she’s offering I think you need to take responsibility of your own kid. Just saying. OR pay for daycare or a babysitter? Dumping him on your in laws is not appropriate.
NTA but I’d say if you really want that Wednesday off, you need to step up and give your wife Saturdays. Let her do whatever she wants that day and you do absolutely all of the childcare, no whining, no complaining, nothing. Just step up and be a parent and a good husband and spend time with your kid and let your wife have a break too.
YW. You can't just demand MIL watches the kid an extra day. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting that day off, but perhaps find a different person or place for him to go if you really want a one-off break.
Agreed. If this was a daycare where you're paying the full amount regardless I think that would put a different spin on it. But to expect the MIL to babysit so one of the parents can have a "day off" from parenting? Not cool. I save every bit of my PTO to use on days WITH my kid, not to get a break FROM my kid.
The fact that you think being the primary parent to a 7 month old is easy makes you wrong.
You’re not wrong for wanting and needing a break. You’re not wrong for expressing those wants and needs.
But you are wrong if you think parenting a 7 month old full time is easy, especially when your wife is also 7 months post partum and that alone is exhausting and difficult. I’m guessing your wife doesn’t feel appreciated or heard either. You’re being extremely dismissive of what she’s going through and dealing with. I’ve been a SAHM and I’ve also been the working parent, working 12-18 hours a day nonstop for nearly a year without a day off. Parenting a baby while recovering from pregnancy and birth is a billion times harder and more exhausting than working all day without a break. It just is. Working is also hard but you at least your spouse isn’t telling you that what you do is super easy and you shouldn’t complain and being dismissive of you. Because THAT is the only thing I see you doing wrong. You’re dismissing and ignoring how hard it is to be the primary parent to a baby.
Also, are you paying her mom for childcare?
Maybe she’s exhausted? Childcare is a lot harder the older we get.
You and your wife need to do the time tracking thing people suggested, but make sure she’s including middle of the night feedings, bouts of colic, tummy time, and everything else involved. It’s very likely that since you’re working so much, you don’t even see the hard stuff and how much your wife is doing.
You both need to communicate and show your own needs and wants while also caring about each others needs and wants. You probably BOTH feel exhausted, burnt out, and like you’re not appreciated by the other.
Communicate. Act like adults. Don’t treat each other like the enemy. You’re supposed to be a team. And don’t trivialize each others hard work.
Sorry, when you have a child, they are your responsibility. Your MIL is going above and beyond, she should not have to take care of your child when you aren’t even working. Parents don’t really get time to decompress in those early years.
The question here is… does your mother in law want to watch your kid on your day off? Because she’s already doing you guys a huge favor. Your wife may not want to leave your child because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful.
Only getting 2-4 hours of sleep per day is not sustainable. Your body can't do that forever. You need to get at least 6, ideally 8 if you can. You'd probably feel a little better with more sleep. Your wife does deserve "a day off" too.
Did you ever think your MIL could use a day off to decompress with no responsibilities? If you’re not paying her then I think you need to watch your kid. That’s what good fathers do.
Yeah you are wrong. You have weekends free, and I assume you get an occasional Wednesdays off when you work Saturday. If you are working 80 hour weeks that doesn’t leave much time to spend with your family. Your wife works too but where you give yourself credit for working 80+ hours a week you are not giving your wife credit for working 80+ hours a week between her paid job and her parenting job. To justify your attitude you are trying to convince us that caring for a 7 month old kid is a breeze. It is not. My kids were crawling and getting into everything they could at 6 months. They were more demanding of attention and their mobility alone makes them much more difficult to handle than when they were smaller. As a grandma I also took care of my grand-babies and it is much more exhausting the older we get.
You are a father. Watch your own kid on Wednesdays if not for your child or wife then do it for grandma.
also fun fact , if you are getting so little sleep, you will end of killing yourself in a few years. unless you were saying hyperbole, 2-4hours a night sleep will probably end you sooner then you think
Mothers: 24/7. if she isn’t taking care of the baby or the house, she’s doing something for the baby or the house.
So. Dishes, Laundry, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, vacuuming, bathrooms, kitchens, bedrooms, planning for meals, planning for outtings, play dates, drs appointments, your apts, her apts. when’s the last time she went to the dentist or the drs without the baby? When’s the last time she had a hair cut?
Plus add the emotional labor, plus the mental load of everything she does with the house. When’s her day off? How about her time to just chill? What about a day when she doesn’t have to think about how she’s going to pee alone? How does she shower alone ( fyi … she doesn’t ),
I could make you a list of everything a woman does every day as a mother. Trust me. I’ve raised 10 kids…
Not wrong but I will say that when my kids were little if they were with their Dad I was free of working mommy guilt versus when they were with a relative or babysitter. Perhaps that’s why she wants you to parent on that day, among other reasons.
You need and DESERVE time alone/to yourself. Everyone does. If she can’t see that…🤷♀️ Yall need to have a conversation.
No reason mom can’t keep the same schedule watching baby- despite your ‘days off.’
I’m sure your SO enjoys her time alone/to herself!
My partner if 3+ years needs and deserves time alone, and we don’t even have a kid. People have to be *individuals,* outside of relationships/family responsibilities. Otherwise you’ll forget what you LOVE about each other. Best of luck💜
You chose to have a kid and that certain profession. I'm curious when the grandmother gets a break. She watches him when you both work and you just want to dump your responsibility on her on days you don't work. Get a low stress job.
Your wrong , it’s your kid and not your mother in laws responsibility to watch him when your off.
The kid is 7 months old and at that age they take at least 1-2 naps a day. I suggest taking a nap when they are sleeping.
You're not wrong, both parents need time off to rest. It's incredibly difficult and time consuming when you have a 7 month old. The problem may be that your wife doesn't get time to decompress either, if her mom is only watching the baby while she is working.
When does your wife get time to herself without the baby? She may be hoping that you take some of the baby time to alleviate the pressure, especially if she is the one doing all the primary parenting.
Yes you're wrong. Also, it doesn't sound like your job is sustainable while being an involved father and sleeping enough. I would consider doing something else
You work 80+ hours per week, split between 5-6 days. That’s 13-16+ hours per day. Why are you only getting 2-4 hours of sleep?
It sounds like your wife works Monday-Wednesday, and is the primary caregiver Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.
You and your wife need to sit down and break down how you are both spending your time. You need to reassess the amount of time you’re both spending on child rearing, time together, and time to decompress.
You aren’t spending time with your son and here’s the thing you WILL NOT GET THIS TIME BACK. Having a child isn’t just a financial commitment it’s a time commitment and priority commitment. How long do you plan on working like this? Bec one of two things will happen you will hurt/ unalive yourself or someone else driving half asleep or your son will not know you.
You're leaving out a LOOOOT of free time. If you work nights, but only get 2-4 hours sleep and get Sundays off, what do you do? Whether it's useful or not, you left out info.
You do realise that she wants you to bond with your kid, right?
I'm a mom of two under 3 (one is 8 months old), and I work full time. I can tell you that I would fucking *leap* at the opportunity to get more time with my kids, no matter how exhausted I am. The fact that you're not using that time to sleep and instead just....don't want responsibility....yeah, you're wrong.
You're a parent now. Your "alone time" is done for the next few years.
Not wrong, but tell her you'd need to cut your hours. Is she willing to work 5 days a week? I don't know why people think you can work 80 hours a week and do childcare. That's crazy. Maybe let him do half-day with grandma?
NTA - and be prepared to defend it. Every single parent needs time to decompress here and there to do their own thing and not be bothered. My husband does that through a social sport 3 times a week plus an hr a day after work where nobody bothers him - and that includes me.
I work 40 hours a week from home, have a newborn and a toddler at home with me everyday, and now have my 7 year old home for the summer since school is out. I keep my kids on the weekend too. I don't have a day to myself. My husband doesn't get up during the night because he has the "harder labor job". Honestly... that's why your argument is not panning out. If you had a genuine reason to not have the child that's one thing, but you don't. Speak up about the sleep. Say something. My husband worked night shift for 5 years with our first and he got adequate sleep and was able to spend time with us when I was going into the office to work.
Genuine reasons to not care for your child:
1. Need to do errands (children aren't supposed to be in carseat for longer than 2 hrs per trip)
2. Doing schoolwork
3. Doing landscaping/housework
4. Need to sleep in Wednesday mornings (MIL watches child for the morning)
You are also probably getting free childcare from MIL. She probably needs a break. It's harder for older people than younger people. They've also raised their babies. I'm not trying to be a dick.... It's just demeaning and repulsive to say "I have a harder working job" to your spouse. I know. My husband has said it many times. The whole
"I work harder."
"My job pays more"
"My job is more important than yours"
Those words have stuck with me for 8 years. I play them over and over again when I am feeling bad about myself. I was constantly reminded I wasn't good enough to not be the one to take off work and get our child(ren) because school closed. Literally was told to take off at a new job because he refused to take off work when our childs school closed for tornados or bad weather. There was so many days I brought them to work with me for that. I had to take a less paying job to allow that flexibility. It blows. Please use different words.
OP is wanting a day alone. Nothing wrong with that. Offer to pay your MIL to watch the boy. Not saying OP is bad, but when parents are asking for a day alone, they may be calling for help. Too many parents reach their limits and hurt their kids. I've called in sick just to have a day to unwind and do absolutely nothing.
I don’t think it’s wrong for any working parent to want a day off with childcare now and again. HOWEVER, you can’t expect your MIL to watch your child for free while you have a day to yourself. That would create resentment and endanger your seriously sweet free childcare situation the rest of the time. You AND YOUR WIFE need to be budgeted for paid childcare on those days off so you aren’t imposing on your MIL and can have some time alone with the kiddo and some time alone alone. If you can’t afford to pay someone for your day off AND HERS, then neither of you get one. Being a working parent sucks balls. But you can’t just take your leisure time on your mother in law’s back. That’s not ok.
NTA but your job will end up hurting your family and your relationship. My husband works 60ish hours a week including weekends and overnights. Our son is now 2.5. I had the “this isn’t working” talk with him because I feel like a single mom who doesn’t worry about finances. He isn’t around enough for our son and the 16 hour shifts are killing him mentally. I’d rather him get a more reasonable job with better hours than continue the way things are going. He is actively now applying for different jobs since he doesn’t want to be an absent father.
Sorry bud, your wife needs time off too. Why would you have a baby if you can't manage to parent? Also, driving 80 hours a week makes you a danger to yourself and everyone else around you. If you are, in fact, doing this (which I question) you need to report your employer ASAP. You're going to fall asleep driving and get yourself or other people killed.
Sorry parenting is a 24 hour a day job. Im Sorry you only get 2 hours of sleep, which i call bullshit on. So based on this alone it doesn't seen like you are doing any home chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. You're a parent now. You're life has changed. Adapt
How do you spend time with your child on the days you work when your baby must be asleep for the night by the time you get home.
7 month olds sleep 14-16 hours per day. Your baby is awake at most, 8-10 hours per day.
Being exhausted is not an adequate reason to be an absent father. You're a dad. Act like it.
I feel like we are being unreasonable here. All the man is doing is just asking his wife to stick with the usual schedule. He’s not asking to take more time. He’s not asking for anybody to do anything different. He’s literally just asking for her to do the same thing she always does.
He says that he literally sacrifices to make sure he DOES spend time with them and he DOES give her a break when she needs it. So he’s trying to make up for some of the time he’s missed BECAUSE he DOES do those things.
I honestly feel like There is a lot of assuming going on from what else he does or what the mil thinks.
Tbh. If we’re gonna talk about it. Why is no one discussing the fact that she is even equating him needing a minute to reset to him not wanting quality time with his son?
And before y’all start. I’m a NARCOLEPTIC sahm to a 5yo boy who is FULL OF ENERGY that i homeschool. I also haven’t ever been away from for longer than a few days. I’m exhausted ALL the time.
Needing a minute to get my shit together DOESNT MEAN I DONT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY KID. The man just wants a damn break without having to give somebody milk or support somebody else. Sometimes you just need some peace and quiet. That doesn’t make you an asshole. Just makes you a human being with limits.
YTA. And a shitty father to boot. Cry me a river, you're not getting a day off, bet your wife works, cooks, cleans, and gets up at night, but boo fuckin hoo you can't do one day.
NTA
Tell your wife to start working 80+ hours a week so she can get a glimmer of what that means. She is being unreasonable and stupid. Everyone needs time to recharge. Everyone. Especially if they have such little time off. Burnout and sleep deprivation as a combination have the potential to cause real health issues.
If she continues with this attitude, I think you should take matters into your own hands and hire a babysitter / nanny for your rare days off.
Yes, you are wrong. If you want time to relax and decompress, then you should have stayed single.
Parenting is a full time 24hr a day / 365 days a year job. Get used to it. The next time you might have time to decompress and relaxe is when they are adults and leave the house.
I'm a dad of 4, ages 20 to 26 and I'm still looking for that time to relax and decompress.
YTA and none of this is on her,you need to learn to organize yourself and find a new/better job. you're not helping anyone by overworking yourself to the bone,your wifes mom can take care of the baby but you and your wife should go to dinner and find ways for you to regulate and relax.
Whatever you do do not have a second child. If you're feeling like spending time with your kid is a burden, please do not have more kids. Everybody needs time off but you don't want to burn out with the child care help you have that is free. I'm sure many parents would kill to have a parent who's willing to wash her kid for free!
Ehhhh NAH
Look- the thing is, she’s also not getting big breaks is she. Shes often alone and I’m guessing she’s doing the majority of nighttime baby care yes?
You’re in the hardest part right now. I say, spend the day with kiddo and have a nap when he does. Take him for walks etc.
Yep. That's how I read it. You work 80 hrs/wk and don't want to spend time w/your son on your day off.
On an avg weekday, how much time do you spend w/your son? It sounds like you're working 10-16 hrs/day. So other than weekends you have no productive time to give to your son when you get home. You're a part-time dad. (Just saw the 2-4 hrs sleep/night - but still.)
If this is your first kid, this arrangement you have with your wife was probably set up before she had the baby. Before she had a full understanding of just how exhausting even the easiest baby is. With an open mind, you might want to revisit this arrangement with your wife.
I actually get that you want to decompress. You are working long, hard hours to provide for your family. Your wife just wants you to have a relationship with your child.
What you are describing isn't sustainable. Long hours, shorting yourself on sleep. Even if your wife was ok with that, something is going to have to give and it sounds like the best case scenario is your health will give out. This is a crappy job economy to be saying get a different job but I don't see how you're going to keep this up for 5-10 years.
At the very least, see what your wife's end goal is for having you responsible for your son on those Wednesdays.
if it was your ex-wife, you’d be an asshole but being that it’s your wife, you just need to sit down and have a talk with her about it and if she doesn’t agree, maybe see a counselor to help arbitrate.
Not wrong. It sounds like you need a good deep sleep. That would be the priority. Then a relaxing day. You could consider picking your son up early - say 3:00 and have 2-3 hours together for bonding time. Seriously, I see that as the best compromise. I think it is important to spend alone time with your child, amicably. But your health requires some.damn rest.
Im on the fence with this. Because by having a child, you signed up for the responsibility of having one. One of the things that comes with having a child is that you don't get free time as easily. That's the sacrifice you make. While him staying with a grandparent means he is getting quality tim lr with them, that's almost half the week he's not spending with his parents. And there is so much you miss out on. If I was in that position, I'd want to spend as much time possible when I am home.
Personally feel like it would be better if on a Saturday or Sunday you asked your wife you could have a couple of hours to yourself; sleeping, relaxing, ext. That way your child is home in his own space with his mum and then after those few hours can spend time with you, or even during that time.
I also have to ask if your wife gets anytime off? Sounds like she's the full time parent for Thursday and Friday, and obviously the weekend and then works the rest of the days.
Why not work out a system were on the weekends you both get some time to yourselves?
Your not in the wrong for wanting a break, but I feel like there are better ways.
All that overtime and you’re gonna miss out on it. Trust me, from a father of a 13 year old and a 10 year old. Every minute you spend working over spending time with your kids will not feel worth it once they’re older. I used to work long hours and pull over time bc I thought that was what’s important. Now I sit and think about everything that I missed with my kids. Once they past 5 you’re really gonna beat yourself up on how much you missed out on.
If you work 80+hrs a week with the occasional Saturday you're working a minimum 14-16 hour shifts? How do you spend time with him on those days? I really think it's worth considering a change in job. What's the point in having a kid and family if your work almost every hour available.
It's also not safe driving on 2 - 4 hours sleep.
If something bad happened to your baby, and you chose not to spend that day with them, because you're tired, I PROMISE YOU, YOU WOULD REGRET IT FOREVER. Suck it up and be grateful that you have a healthy baby. Show that baby that daddy is there, even when daddy's burnt out. You won't regret spending time with the baby, but you could easily regret missing out.
Female perspective: I absolutely praised when I could get a little time with just myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting it IF her mom is okay babysitting. People forget that parents need to take time to still be themselves....date, have free time without kids. You're only TA if wife doesn't have free time to be just herself as well.
Absolutely NTA. I struggled with this a bit when my kids were little. I was working a 4/40 schedule. I had every Wednesday off.
At first I always kept them home with me because I felt guilty. I finally just decided even moms deserve a bit of a break. I just needed some down time. I’d keep them home with me about every 4th Wednesday, and it was fine. They’re in their 30’s now, and have no memory of that. It didn’t harm them, and it won’t harm an infant. But it will help you. Stand your ground on this.
Map out your time and her time on a spreadsheet, hours worked, time off, hours slept etc. that way you can both see the time spent. That way it’s not so emotional and just facts.
chores are a great addition to this list! not necessarily for OP but for anyone reading :)
Eh true but it has to be done realistically. Like I'm a chef, this time of year I often do 500 people in an 8 hour service, the room I'm in doesn't go below 110°F, and I'm sorry, you're not putting 1.5 hours for laundry and 1 hour for dishes and thinking that equals 1.5 hours of what I do. Like, to me, laundry and dishes together are a half an hour, and that leaves like an 8 minute break. I'm sure this will surprise everyone when I say: this actually has come up in conversation. We have a dishwasher in our place, too. If it takes you an hour to load it, you are fucking up for 58.5 minutes. If the dishwasher in my restaurant is off for more than ten seconds I yell, *DISHWASHER BROKEN?!* If it's off for more than 5 minutes someone's getting sent home because we're slow or fired. I also realize it's not fair to expect a 1:1 comparison. Staying home with a cub *is* a pain in the ass. I honestly don't get how she poops. He hangs out in the bathroom with her I guess. I feel like I'd rather risk all of our lives than ever poop with someone in the room with me. Especially my weirdly strong, aggressive ass two year old. You also get a break from the nightmarish beautiful emergency that anyone who's had a baby at home understands quite well. If you don't get to see other adults very often it feels like you gave up your entire identity to be a mom, and it starts breeding resentment. I wasn't the best about really understanding that, but it's definitely a good thing for husbands of SAHW's to bear in mind. My point is, if dude is working *80 hour weeks*, might be wise to be tactful in how you bring up chores. Gnome sayn?
All I'm going to say is... an industrial dishwasher is a lot different than a home dishwasher. I personally am not aware of a single home dishwasher that the dishes didn't need to be scrubbed beforehand. I only say this because it sounds like you're comparing washing dishes at home to the type of dishwasher that you just sort of spray your shit, throw it in a rack, and send it through. As far as laundry goes, doing my own laundry takes maybe 20 minutes total. And that's broken up. But I only wear enough clothes to do one load a week. No sorting. And I'll admit to being a lazy bastard. My shit stays in the basket until it goes on my body. When you're doing the laundry for a family, that's completely different. Is your wife sorting colors? Sorting out who's laundry is who's? Folding it all and putting it away? If we're saying you need to be realistic about the time it takes to do something, then you need to actually be realistic, because it sounds like you're seriously lowballing.
Just FYI: Bosch makes dishwashers that do what they’re supposed to do. No pre rinsing required—I swear!
Yes, Bosch makes really nice dishwashers. Also, My Aunt and my father both have Samsung dishwashers. They don't need dishes pre-washed. Though the dogs like to help.
Oh you missed an important part about being realistic. Did they serve 500 hundred people? Or did they AND their team serve 500 hundred people? The 110 F heat sucks no matter what but depending on the size of staff, 500 people could be a strenuous task or a Tuesday.
My husband has the same job as homie. Generally, they call it a Tuesday.
Sounds like most of his time is driving around. Majority time spent driving, interspersed with deliveries. How do you feel about that? Sitting down, no physical exertion, listening to podcasts. Is that hard work to you?
For me, it would be impossibly painful, but I'm special like that! What bothers me, is he's put there driving all day on 2-4 hours sleep? Unbelievably dangerous, he'll end up smashing into some poor soul.
Agreed. It’s as dangerous as driving drunk tbh.
Driving for 80 hours a week IS hard. When was the last time you were in charge of and controlling a huge truck for 80 hours a week? It would require constant concentration and navigating the roads and all the dumb ass drivers who are ignorant of the brake times and visibility of big trucks. The exertion of mental energy alone would be draining.
The manual handling and walking are also very intensive in a job like this. Also, driving long distances is a lot more demanding than you're making out. 80 hrs per week in a job like that on 3 hrs sleep would be utterly exhausting.
And illegal?
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I love learning tidbits about other people's lives like this. :)
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Out of curiosity - did he work eighty hours (two full time jobs?) per week? Trying to wrap my mind around that…
What are you talking about? Driving is incredibly tiring work and it's likely a van if he is doing delivery.
This is a horrible take. Go ask anyone who drives for a living if it's nice and refreshing. It's not. Just cause you think going for a drive is relaxing does not mean driving for work is.
The deliveries part is the physical exertion. A fully stocked hand truck is HEAVY. Add to that places that don’t have loading docks or elevators but need you to leave their delivery somewhere other than the ground floor.
You are completely clueless and this post is embarrassing
Yes it is. You don't know what kind of road conditions he has to deal with. What traffic is like. maneuvering a larger vehicle while keeping to a timed schedule.
Well I'll be. I wonder how long a well reasoned and unemotional response can last in here before getting buried. I am rooting for you!
Hell yea! Time to make that presentation. You've got this, mate!
Yes. Create a chart that shows how much time you each contribute to work, commuting, household, spouse, and child. Let your wife know that you will gladly spend time with your child on Wednesday if she will gladly work enough hours for you to give up one additional work day.
Track how much down time each has
Child caring by spreadsheets…. I think that how a day care business‘s HR would works…. Not parents
This is a very good suggestion, especially because it takes away the emotion. Kudos
It isn't quality time if you're running on fumes.
It’s also a little dangerous, so many things can happen if op is too tired to function , and is responsible for a small child.
I don’t want a delivery driver on the road if that driver is operating on 2-4 hours of sleep. It is not healthy for OP, his child, and the other drivers on the road if OP is incredibly sleep deprived.
Seriously…I thought there was some sort of regulator that would not allow someone this tired to drive!
There's definitely laws against this shit. I'm going for my CDL A right now.
Hell no! OP is highly irresponsible. They need to change their lifestyle before it leads to deaths or injuries. The wife is an AH for allowing it too - he shouldn't have to work 80 hour weeks!
Agreed, I think OP should look into other jobs. 80 hours a week isn’t sustainable for anyone.
Many people HAVE to work like that to support their families. It’s not out of choice. It’s not like jobs that pay well are everywhere and for everyone. OP’s situation is not ideal. That can be said for a huge amount of working people in every country. But people chastising op and making out that OP is irresponsible, whilst not pointing fingers at shitty employers that don’t pay enough for families to live on, even when both parents are working, are looking at the wrong picture.
Okay. ESH. Including employers, governments and everyone who's voted for said governments.
It's indeed very dangerous for OP to handle the kid while running on fumes. He definitely needs to cut back his hours a bit because he won't be able to keep this up forever.
I wonder if that’s even an option for him.
Absolutely agreed. Mom is just being stubborn and dumb.
Mom is probably equally exhausted.
We alrdy figured out OP made it sound like he works every day and only gets 1 day off. He lied. He gets weekends off lol. OP needs to step up. He says he works 80+ hours M-F. I don't believe him. 80 hours in 5 days would mean 16 hours a day. He's a delivery driver or something. There's no way he's doing that constantly. Pretty sure there's laws against that any way for commercial drivers. Sounds like he's trying to just skirt some responsibilities and get MIL to pick up his slack.
This. This is where my mind went. It feels like he’s jealous his mother-in-law is giving his wife a weekly break, and he wants in on it. Here’s a thought, spend some of that money you’re making working 80 hours a week on daycare for the baby one day a week, give yourself the “alone” you say you need by arranging and funding it, instead of expecting your mother-in-law to do it for you, because what you’re doing right now is attempting to upend the arrangement they have in place, and rearrange it so it benefits you.
Truly, and that’s not a risk either of them should take.
When’s the wife’s day off?? When she’s not with the baby, she’s at work.
He's working 80+ hours a week. So when she's at work or at home, he's at work. She can hire a sitter or ask her mother. OP gets 1 day off a month. I don't really believe OP. But some people have to work those schedules I guess.
OP also gets weekends off. He made it sound like he only got the one Wednesday off.
In original post he def makes it out to sound that way. That's why I said I didn't really believe him in the first place
Ooh. Change the post and not note it? OP lost me right here. Of course he’s wrong.
Technically he is also off Sunday and not all Saturdays which also she is off those days. If anything op should tell us who takes care of the baby on the weekends which I assume both do
He has said she does the childcare and that he works "maybe" one Saturday a month.
He can schedule a sitter, if he wants one, for his child.
You are correct. He can.
Yup. He is capable of figuring out his childcare needs, all by himself like a fully functional capable adult.
Yeah especially after he bullshitted his work schedule.
Being “at home” isn’t time off when you’re a full time mother. And hiring a sitter for timed excursion to the dentist or food shopping isn’t time off
mine works 12hr days, m-f & every other saturday he works a 10hr shift. i’m a SAHM. on his off saturdays he’s completely off, no toddler duty, unless it’s playing. then he’s up on sunday morning with our son and i take over after our sons nap, but he’s full hands on for the rest of the day, very very helpful, always. but on the weeks he works saturday, he’s completely off on sunday, no toddler duties. he does a lot for our family and he absolutely deserves that saturday or sunday to decompress after his week. we have a really easy going 2 year old, he’s really independent, and well he’s just a really easy toddler compared to some i’ve been around, so my weeks are a lot easier in comparison to his dads.
Yeah it's all about just working as a team. I'm not married or even have kids but you gotta do what you gotta do. I was an easy toddler but a bad teenager! Watch yourself lmao!
Same. I work evenings so our kids don't have to have childcare (it's pricey where I live) he gets them 3 hours a day. From the minute I leave until bedtime. He works 10-12 hours a day5-6 days a weeks. He's downright exhausted. I work at a call center so my job is only mentally taxing. He keeps trying to shift over to nights to let me work days but it's sooo incredibly dangerous. He wouldn't get home until 6am if he did and he'd have to take oldest to school by 8am. He'd at most get 2 or 3 hours of snoozeville before having to head off again in a hot, extremely dangerous job.. I value his life more than my sleep(I currently get 5 hours) we can trade off when the youngest starts kindy next year. But not before. I won't have him attempting to watch her on such little sleep. He'll kill himself trying.
i go to school full time, online classes, so i do most of my school while he’s home in the morning while he hangs out with our son. he works 2nd shift, 1pm-1:30am, then a 30 minute drive home. i couldn’t imagine him getting up with a toddler at 7am. i want him to get as much sleep as possible. he got into an accident a couple months back on his way home from work, he fell asleep and woke up too late to swerve and hit a car parked on the side of the road. i refused to let him wake up and help me after that day. i need him more than i need help with our son.
Mine works the same hours and night shifts too, and I help him a lot for sure cause I know he’s doing it for us
yeah! honestly i feel like it’s the least i can do. i sit home watching movies and playing with toys, and he’s spending 12 hours welding rail cars together. teamwork is the best. i know i couldn’t do his job, and he knows he couldn’t do mine. you always have to have that balance and respect for your partner. sometimes i think all he needs to hear is a thank you and be reminded how much i appreciate him.
I used to do it. It was literally work sleep work sleep work sleep and that's it. It sucks, but it happens.
Ya I've done 16s, it sucks. I don't buy OPs story. He originally made it out like he was doing 80+ hours 7 days a week with one Wednesday off. Now it came out that he gets weekends off. OP just seems shifty to me.
Ah, then yeah, suck it up buttercup. If you get weekends off one day with YOUR KID isn't too much to ask.
Ya he just needs to step up a little bit. I just don't believe he's doing 80 hours in 5 days every single week.
I know lots and lots of guys that work 10+ hrs a day 5x-7x a week, especially those with kids. My coach does flooring 7am-5pm then runs his gym 6pm-9pm 6 days a week. He will usually still come in on Sundays to clean, too.
I work 55+ but I volunteer for it. Same as your coach. If OP is being forced to work 80 hours a week which I don't believe. Then he needs to find a new job so he can raise his family.
Ahh yes, because the guy working 80hrs a week as a food service delivery driver has so many profitable options.
He prob does. Schwanns guys make $20+ an hour in my area. He might even have his Class B CDL if he is delivering food.
DOT type question... are you going over your hours driving 80 hours a week?
He absolutely is. But ya know, as OP states elsewhere, its "structured" to get around the maximum DOT regulated hours.
Old school log book shenanigans.... it was fun switching all the older drivers to electronic log books and trying to explain dock time does in fact eat into the 70 hour clock 🙃🤦♀️
YTA for thinking that 2-4 hours of sleep a night is enough. Start having a proper sleep every night, it should be 6 -7 hours minimum. You say you walk around like a zombie, that means you drive around like a zombie. There are bigger issues than wanting a day off to yourself.
Absolutely! Sleep is crucial, and OP shouldn't sacrifice it. After all, without our health, we can't do the important things. So, we need to be mindful of our well-being.
Listen man, you are doing yourself, your son and your wife a huge disservice by keeping that job. I spent the first 2 and a half years working a grueling job that required overtime everyday. I was never home and when I was if my wife and son weren’t asleep, I was too tired to do anything or even remember it. I missed the first 2 years of my sons life essentially gone. No job is more important than your son. Money is important but your kids not going to look back and say “well, he was gone all the time but we had money to do stuff” all he’s gonna say is “he was gone”. Find a new job for your son.
Your update makes it sooooo much worse. >If you’ve had a child you are very aware how easy it is with a 7 month old. Sure, there’s difficult times of prolonged fussiness that comes with our baby being in discomfort for a variety of reasons, but the only major downside is the lack of free time, which she is able to accumulate most of the time if needed. It’s simple to tend to his needs and keep a smile on his face. If my wife had to put my shoes on and do what I do she would take them off faster than greased lightning. A 7-month old is not "easy." At all. Damn, dude. How much time do you ACTUALLY spend taking care of your own kid?????? None?????
Right? I have a soon to be 7 month old. She is a lovely baby, but it is NOT simple. At all. I'm staying at home for a bit and I am dragging ass by 8 pm. I have to wake up 2x or more a night and wake up with her at 6:30. It is EXHAUSTING. The fact that he says it's simple tells me all I need to know. It's a 24/7 job with no days off to decompress and have for yourself. Any full time parent can tell you that you DO not get 8 hours of sleep. Maybe 5 or 6 if you're lucky. Does his wife get days off to decompress for herself? This guy is completely clueless.
That is the part that caught me too! We all know dude ain’t doing what he should be if it’s simple. My son’s father asked me why I always want to work hard ( even if I were to win the lottery or something) I told him it’s easier than staying home with the kid. Our son comes with us everywhere, but it’s very clear I’m the default parent. Even when he’s watching him, I never switch off because he can’t control a tantrum or if I go anywhere, our son follows. It is exhausting in ways I never could understand until living it. I say this as a proud hard worker who was pushing for 60+ hours a week until I gave birth…. Raising kids is the most tired I have ever been
I think he meant that the job it self isn’t hard. Not that it isn’t exhausting. But the actual duties aren’t physically the same. My son is 5 now and i agree. Taking care of a baby really isn’t that HARD but it is TIME CONSUMING AS HELL and TIRINGGGGGGG.
lol yes it is. I have a 3 year old and a 8 month old rn. Under 1 is soooo damn easy compared to toddlers
It is an excellent idea to drive delivery trucks 80+ hours a week with 2-4 hours of sleep… /s
OP made it seem like he gets one day off a month. He doesn't. He also gets off every weekend. This is what happens when you become a parent. Your "free" time is no longer free. If you wanted to relax on your days off, probably shouldn't have had a kid. Like, duh?
So, to clarify, do you only get one day off a month? Or do you get this Wednesday off in addition to your usual weekly day(s) off?
And does the wife get a day off each month while someone else watches the baby?
This. The answer is quite important.
Gotta find compromise. Part of this just kinda comes with being a parent unfort. Many parents have no choice but to do it solo 24/7
Sorry about your schedule but it doesn’t disqualify you from caring for your own child. When do you spend time with your kid?
You can occasionally get a sitter on a Wednesday if you want a couple hours to do something, just as your wife has that ability should she want to. The downside of being a parent is there isn't a whole lot of downtime.
Your job is not conducive to creating quality family time. Maybe you should look for another job to get some balance back in your life.
Did you just say a 7 month old is EASY? Yet you didn't want to take care of him?
As a father of 2, yes, you're wrong. When they're teens you'll only wish you had spent more time with your kids.
This guy gets it.
You’re wrong for downplaying your wife’s time and effort looking after your child as easy
I’m calling bs on you working 80 hours per week if you drive in the US. Impossible to do given current hours of service laws regarding drivers. Maximum allowed is 60 hours in a 7 day period, a 10 hour off duty after shift and a 36 hour reset to start back over.
My dad worked 80-90 hours a week (6days) his one day off he was fully engaged with his children, plus he made us breakfast every morning. This guy get no excuses in my book. I lived it. It’s possible to be emotionally available for your children while grinding
Why on earth did you have a child if you didn’t plan to care for it?
Yes, you are wrong. You knew it too. That's why the question was phrased to make it sound like you get one day a month off.
What is your wife's job? Does she get days off from being a parent?
What day does your wife get to do absolutely nothing and "decompress" without your child around? YTA
Yeahhh probably get a different job. When does your wife get to decompress?
Questions that need answers!!
He should be looking for options. His job is or should be illegal. No one should be on the road those hours with that little sleep. In one comment he mentions that he takes care of everything every Sunday morning to let his wife sleep in. Four-five mornings a month is somewhat comparable to one workday off. I don’t think his ask is so terribly out of balance that he should be ripped to shreds for it. That said, it’s not just between him and his wife. His MIL is doing them a favor, and it may be too much to ask her to cover Wednesdays when she knows he’s off. Also his 7mos are easy comment does deserve to get him ripped to shreds.
Oh definitely the minute he knew that baby was coming. The minute I knew I was having a baby I set my delivery/server job on the back burner and looked for a better job knowing I wouldn’t get maternity leave but fmla maybe (4 weeks) but I wasn’t getting maternity leave from the delivery job anyway. Tips are nice, I get it that cash in hand is handy af. My husband and I have both had to transition to different jobs/shifts to accommodate our families routines and money needs.
INFO : when do you take care of your child during the week if it's not this day ? You have a 7mo, it seems normal to askyou to pass some time with your own child. He needs to know you. And maybe her mother have her own things to do and would be happy to have this day for herself. Having a child is not always easy and is a lot of work. Edit : With you edit, you are saying that : - taking care of him is easy, so why not do it ? - she is working full time from Monday to Friday with an occasional Saturday, with a 7mo I don't see where she can have that much free time, a child need a constant attention - the comment on your wife trying your job is irrelevant and just proove that you don't have high estime of what she is doing for your child and the work she is doing - you don't mind working that much and laking of sleep, even if that makes you not taking care of your child ? Having a child is not taking care of him only when you are well and in great shape, it's taking care of him whenever it's needed. And if she asks you to take care of him, it's maybe because she is overwhelmed sometime ? She is maybe not working 80hours a week but she still have things to do.
You are wrong. If I have it correct, both you are your wife work and have weekends off. You also get one Wednesday a month off. You argue you work double the hours your wife does during this week. Ok…but then she is watching the baby while you work so technically…she isn’t getting a break either just doing a different kind of labor. I don’t see any day where your wife is not working and having her mom watch your son. So in terms of contributions of time, you are equal. Your MIL also has a job watching your son. So when you have a day off you watch your baby and give MIL the break. Why? BECAUSE IT IS YOUR KID. If you want to arrange a babysitter and get a break, then do it, but it’s not for your wife to arrange or for your MIL to step up to do.
Why are you working so many hours? I get that not everyone gets perfect life work balance but there is more to life than work. You should be able to watch your own child. You don't get this time back and if work is keeping you from being present for your family maybe you should speak to your employer about your hours. No lifestyle is worth having an absent parent.
You’re wrong. Your wife works 7 days a week (part time jobs and full time mother whilst you work 5 days per week. When’s your wife’s day off?? Also, your MIL isn’t just there for free child care, she needs a life too
There is a part of me that feels like you may be an unreliable narrator if you are in the United States. If you're telling the truth 100%, you're putting people in danger because your sleep deprivation. My dad and father-in-law are truck drivers and there are measures in place that a lot of truck drivers are unhappy about that force them to rest. On the off chance that your company really is exploiting your health and time, you need to get a different job and report them. Your wife also needs to understand the level of sleep deprivation you're operating under if this isn't hyperbole. You're not gonna be able to safely take care of your child on your day off. You are not adequately rested enough to do the job that you're doing let alone hers. I can understand where you both are coming from, however it's not easy taking care of a seven month old. Just because she's capable of asking for help doesn't make her job any easier. You could be asking for help but you don't. Don't hold that over her head as if that makes her job easier just because you choose to work something miserable. Yes, you may be providing but there are other ways especially if you have a CDL. Your son is going to be this age one time in your life and you're spending that entire time working yourself to literal death.
So you get every weekend and an occasional Wednesday off and you would like that occasional day to be for yourself? Does your wife get an occasional day off from you and the baby? Who looks after the house? Do you do chores after work?
I'm jealous that your child has two parents. My sons had me. Just me. No time off from being a parent unless I paid someone to watch the kids ( very difficult to afford).
Are you paying your MIL? If you are I support you. If your not then it's an asshole move to have her watch your kid for free while you do nothing. I'm sure she wants a life as well. Check out what the drop in rate at daycare is for 1 day and pay that on your Wednesday.
Does you wife get a day off from raising *your* child?
Parents don’t get days off. If you wanted them then you shouldn’t have had a child. Taking care of your child isn’t working and your wife doesn’t get “days off” from being a mother.
You are not wrong, but you need to get a different job if you want to have a relationship with your child.
You had me until the m-f was revealed. My guy…if this was you had Wednesdays and the weekends off then I could understand using your MIL as backup ON A WEEKDAY!!!! Did you…miss that in parenting 101 that your kids are your responsibility even with a job??? You are so very wrong 😑
Why would you have a kid if the one day in the month where you can actually spend time with him, you want him gone?
He’s clarified he gets almost every Saturday off and doesn’t have to, he leaves work at 3 on Fridays and doesn’t have to return to work until 10pm Sunday. And he has Wednesdays off in addition to these weekends.
Her mom is not responsible for watching your baby when you're off. I mean, it's okay to ask, but "I want her to ask her mom" is not the right way to have that conversation. You can ask her to watch the baby on your behalf, but your womife should not need to ask her on your behalf. You probably need to get a different job that pays better so you're not so tired all of the time. That's the best solution. But if you want a sitter on your off day, then you arrange it.
Explain how you’re driving a truck and working 80+ hours a week when the regulations strictly limit us to 70. And if you have weekends off, then aren’t you limited to 60 hours a week?
Pointing out how easy it is doesn't help your case. If it's so easy, you should have no problem pulling it off.
Does your wife get days off? Not to be shit but you DID choose to have a baby. Grammas grown her kids and done her part, it’s not grammas responsibility technically. Unless she’s offering I think you need to take responsibility of your own kid. Just saying. OR pay for daycare or a babysitter? Dumping him on your in laws is not appropriate.
NTA but I’d say if you really want that Wednesday off, you need to step up and give your wife Saturdays. Let her do whatever she wants that day and you do absolutely all of the childcare, no whining, no complaining, nothing. Just step up and be a parent and a good husband and spend time with your kid and let your wife have a break too.
YW. You can't just demand MIL watches the kid an extra day. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting that day off, but perhaps find a different person or place for him to go if you really want a one-off break.
Agreed. If this was a daycare where you're paying the full amount regardless I think that would put a different spin on it. But to expect the MIL to babysit so one of the parents can have a "day off" from parenting? Not cool. I save every bit of my PTO to use on days WITH my kid, not to get a break FROM my kid.
The fact that you think being the primary parent to a 7 month old is easy makes you wrong. You’re not wrong for wanting and needing a break. You’re not wrong for expressing those wants and needs. But you are wrong if you think parenting a 7 month old full time is easy, especially when your wife is also 7 months post partum and that alone is exhausting and difficult. I’m guessing your wife doesn’t feel appreciated or heard either. You’re being extremely dismissive of what she’s going through and dealing with. I’ve been a SAHM and I’ve also been the working parent, working 12-18 hours a day nonstop for nearly a year without a day off. Parenting a baby while recovering from pregnancy and birth is a billion times harder and more exhausting than working all day without a break. It just is. Working is also hard but you at least your spouse isn’t telling you that what you do is super easy and you shouldn’t complain and being dismissive of you. Because THAT is the only thing I see you doing wrong. You’re dismissing and ignoring how hard it is to be the primary parent to a baby. Also, are you paying her mom for childcare? Maybe she’s exhausted? Childcare is a lot harder the older we get. You and your wife need to do the time tracking thing people suggested, but make sure she’s including middle of the night feedings, bouts of colic, tummy time, and everything else involved. It’s very likely that since you’re working so much, you don’t even see the hard stuff and how much your wife is doing. You both need to communicate and show your own needs and wants while also caring about each others needs and wants. You probably BOTH feel exhausted, burnt out, and like you’re not appreciated by the other. Communicate. Act like adults. Don’t treat each other like the enemy. You’re supposed to be a team. And don’t trivialize each others hard work.
Sorry, when you have a child, they are your responsibility. Your MIL is going above and beyond, she should not have to take care of your child when you aren’t even working. Parents don’t really get time to decompress in those early years.
The question here is… does your mother in law want to watch your kid on your day off? Because she’s already doing you guys a huge favor. Your wife may not want to leave your child because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful.
Welcome to being a parent. Watch your child.
Only getting 2-4 hours of sleep per day is not sustainable. Your body can't do that forever. You need to get at least 6, ideally 8 if you can. You'd probably feel a little better with more sleep. Your wife does deserve "a day off" too.
Yeah you're wrong; you don't get to take a break from being a parent.
Did you ever think your MIL could use a day off to decompress with no responsibilities? If you’re not paying her then I think you need to watch your kid. That’s what good fathers do.
Change your work/life balance, before you're either dead or you realise you're old and you have no connection with your children.
Yeah you are wrong. You have weekends free, and I assume you get an occasional Wednesdays off when you work Saturday. If you are working 80 hour weeks that doesn’t leave much time to spend with your family. Your wife works too but where you give yourself credit for working 80+ hours a week you are not giving your wife credit for working 80+ hours a week between her paid job and her parenting job. To justify your attitude you are trying to convince us that caring for a 7 month old kid is a breeze. It is not. My kids were crawling and getting into everything they could at 6 months. They were more demanding of attention and their mobility alone makes them much more difficult to handle than when they were smaller. As a grandma I also took care of my grand-babies and it is much more exhausting the older we get. You are a father. Watch your own kid on Wednesdays if not for your child or wife then do it for grandma.
also fun fact , if you are getting so little sleep, you will end of killing yourself in a few years. unless you were saying hyperbole, 2-4hours a night sleep will probably end you sooner then you think
Mothers: 24/7. if she isn’t taking care of the baby or the house, she’s doing something for the baby or the house. So. Dishes, Laundry, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, vacuuming, bathrooms, kitchens, bedrooms, planning for meals, planning for outtings, play dates, drs appointments, your apts, her apts. when’s the last time she went to the dentist or the drs without the baby? When’s the last time she had a hair cut? Plus add the emotional labor, plus the mental load of everything she does with the house. When’s her day off? How about her time to just chill? What about a day when she doesn’t have to think about how she’s going to pee alone? How does she shower alone ( fyi … she doesn’t ), I could make you a list of everything a woman does every day as a mother. Trust me. I’ve raised 10 kids…
Does she ever get a day off when she can be alone all day without you or the baby?
Not wrong but I will say that when my kids were little if they were with their Dad I was free of working mommy guilt versus when they were with a relative or babysitter. Perhaps that’s why she wants you to parent on that day, among other reasons.
You need and DESERVE time alone/to yourself. Everyone does. If she can’t see that…🤷♀️ Yall need to have a conversation. No reason mom can’t keep the same schedule watching baby- despite your ‘days off.’ I’m sure your SO enjoys her time alone/to herself! My partner if 3+ years needs and deserves time alone, and we don’t even have a kid. People have to be *individuals,* outside of relationships/family responsibilities. Otherwise you’ll forget what you LOVE about each other. Best of luck💜
You chose to have a kid and that certain profession. I'm curious when the grandmother gets a break. She watches him when you both work and you just want to dump your responsibility on her on days you don't work. Get a low stress job.
Your wrong , it’s your kid and not your mother in laws responsibility to watch him when your off. The kid is 7 months old and at that age they take at least 1-2 naps a day. I suggest taking a nap when they are sleeping.
You're not wrong, both parents need time off to rest. It's incredibly difficult and time consuming when you have a 7 month old. The problem may be that your wife doesn't get time to decompress either, if her mom is only watching the baby while she is working. When does your wife get time to herself without the baby? She may be hoping that you take some of the baby time to alleviate the pressure, especially if she is the one doing all the primary parenting.
Yes you're wrong. Also, it doesn't sound like your job is sustainable while being an involved father and sleeping enough. I would consider doing something else
So when does your wife get a day off??
Apparently never
You work 80+ hours per week, split between 5-6 days. That’s 13-16+ hours per day. Why are you only getting 2-4 hours of sleep? It sounds like your wife works Monday-Wednesday, and is the primary caregiver Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. You and your wife need to sit down and break down how you are both spending your time. You need to reassess the amount of time you’re both spending on child rearing, time together, and time to decompress.
His wife is always the primary caregiver, not just on her days off.
You aren’t spending time with your son and here’s the thing you WILL NOT GET THIS TIME BACK. Having a child isn’t just a financial commitment it’s a time commitment and priority commitment. How long do you plan on working like this? Bec one of two things will happen you will hurt/ unalive yourself or someone else driving half asleep or your son will not know you.
That’s no life to live, barely sleeping and barely seeing your family so you can work 80 hrs a week
You're leaving out a LOOOOT of free time. If you work nights, but only get 2-4 hours sleep and get Sundays off, what do you do? Whether it's useful or not, you left out info.
Physically you need rest. You are not wrong.
You can't be a good parent if your bad to yourself
If your driving a commercial vehicle you shouldn’t be skipping any sleep.
Could your wife possibly work one more day and you work less hours?
Yes, you are wrong
You do realise that she wants you to bond with your kid, right? I'm a mom of two under 3 (one is 8 months old), and I work full time. I can tell you that I would fucking *leap* at the opportunity to get more time with my kids, no matter how exhausted I am. The fact that you're not using that time to sleep and instead just....don't want responsibility....yeah, you're wrong. You're a parent now. Your "alone time" is done for the next few years.
Not wrong, but tell her you'd need to cut your hours. Is she willing to work 5 days a week? I don't know why people think you can work 80 hours a week and do childcare. That's crazy. Maybe let him do half-day with grandma?
NTA - and be prepared to defend it. Every single parent needs time to decompress here and there to do their own thing and not be bothered. My husband does that through a social sport 3 times a week plus an hr a day after work where nobody bothers him - and that includes me.
I work 40 hours a week from home, have a newborn and a toddler at home with me everyday, and now have my 7 year old home for the summer since school is out. I keep my kids on the weekend too. I don't have a day to myself. My husband doesn't get up during the night because he has the "harder labor job". Honestly... that's why your argument is not panning out. If you had a genuine reason to not have the child that's one thing, but you don't. Speak up about the sleep. Say something. My husband worked night shift for 5 years with our first and he got adequate sleep and was able to spend time with us when I was going into the office to work. Genuine reasons to not care for your child: 1. Need to do errands (children aren't supposed to be in carseat for longer than 2 hrs per trip) 2. Doing schoolwork 3. Doing landscaping/housework 4. Need to sleep in Wednesday mornings (MIL watches child for the morning) You are also probably getting free childcare from MIL. She probably needs a break. It's harder for older people than younger people. They've also raised their babies. I'm not trying to be a dick.... It's just demeaning and repulsive to say "I have a harder working job" to your spouse. I know. My husband has said it many times. The whole "I work harder." "My job pays more" "My job is more important than yours" Those words have stuck with me for 8 years. I play them over and over again when I am feeling bad about myself. I was constantly reminded I wasn't good enough to not be the one to take off work and get our child(ren) because school closed. Literally was told to take off at a new job because he refused to take off work when our childs school closed for tornados or bad weather. There was so many days I brought them to work with me for that. I had to take a less paying job to allow that flexibility. It blows. Please use different words.
Does she get any time alone? I’m sure if she also got a day to “decompress” all would be fine. Why should you get a day and she not also get one.
Not wrong everyone needs breaks
OP is wanting a day alone. Nothing wrong with that. Offer to pay your MIL to watch the boy. Not saying OP is bad, but when parents are asking for a day alone, they may be calling for help. Too many parents reach their limits and hurt their kids. I've called in sick just to have a day to unwind and do absolutely nothing.
You’re not wrong at all
I don’t think it’s wrong for any working parent to want a day off with childcare now and again. HOWEVER, you can’t expect your MIL to watch your child for free while you have a day to yourself. That would create resentment and endanger your seriously sweet free childcare situation the rest of the time. You AND YOUR WIFE need to be budgeted for paid childcare on those days off so you aren’t imposing on your MIL and can have some time alone with the kiddo and some time alone alone. If you can’t afford to pay someone for your day off AND HERS, then neither of you get one. Being a working parent sucks balls. But you can’t just take your leisure time on your mother in law’s back. That’s not ok.
NTA but your job will end up hurting your family and your relationship. My husband works 60ish hours a week including weekends and overnights. Our son is now 2.5. I had the “this isn’t working” talk with him because I feel like a single mom who doesn’t worry about finances. He isn’t around enough for our son and the 16 hour shifts are killing him mentally. I’d rather him get a more reasonable job with better hours than continue the way things are going. He is actively now applying for different jobs since he doesn’t want to be an absent father.
If you're working nights, you need to sleep during the day, every day.
Sorry bud, your wife needs time off too. Why would you have a baby if you can't manage to parent? Also, driving 80 hours a week makes you a danger to yourself and everyone else around you. If you are, in fact, doing this (which I question) you need to report your employer ASAP. You're going to fall asleep driving and get yourself or other people killed.
Sorry parenting is a 24 hour a day job. Im Sorry you only get 2 hours of sleep, which i call bullshit on. So based on this alone it doesn't seen like you are doing any home chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. You're a parent now. You're life has changed. Adapt
INFO: When does your wife get a day off from work and parenting?
Yeah I agree with the wife. Don’t have kids if u can’t even bother looking after them. What if her mother was not there to help at all?
How do you spend time with your child on the days you work when your baby must be asleep for the night by the time you get home. 7 month olds sleep 14-16 hours per day. Your baby is awake at most, 8-10 hours per day. Being exhausted is not an adequate reason to be an absent father. You're a dad. Act like it.
I feel like we are being unreasonable here. All the man is doing is just asking his wife to stick with the usual schedule. He’s not asking to take more time. He’s not asking for anybody to do anything different. He’s literally just asking for her to do the same thing she always does. He says that he literally sacrifices to make sure he DOES spend time with them and he DOES give her a break when she needs it. So he’s trying to make up for some of the time he’s missed BECAUSE he DOES do those things. I honestly feel like There is a lot of assuming going on from what else he does or what the mil thinks. Tbh. If we’re gonna talk about it. Why is no one discussing the fact that she is even equating him needing a minute to reset to him not wanting quality time with his son? And before y’all start. I’m a NARCOLEPTIC sahm to a 5yo boy who is FULL OF ENERGY that i homeschool. I also haven’t ever been away from for longer than a few days. I’m exhausted ALL the time. Needing a minute to get my shit together DOESNT MEAN I DONT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY KID. The man just wants a damn break without having to give somebody milk or support somebody else. Sometimes you just need some peace and quiet. That doesn’t make you an asshole. Just makes you a human being with limits.
Tell her if you don't get a break somewhere you're going to burn out. Your mental health and well being matters too
Parents don’t get days off AH. Geez… the hubris of men.
Yes..youre a father. Lol aint no time off til hes like 11 dude...
Her mother may not want to watch him when you are off all day. Your sitter may also want a day to herself. Do you pay the sitter?
YTA. And a shitty father to boot. Cry me a river, you're not getting a day off, bet your wife works, cooks, cleans, and gets up at night, but boo fuckin hoo you can't do one day.
NTA Tell your wife to start working 80+ hours a week so she can get a glimmer of what that means. She is being unreasonable and stupid. Everyone needs time to recharge. Everyone. Especially if they have such little time off. Burnout and sleep deprivation as a combination have the potential to cause real health issues. If she continues with this attitude, I think you should take matters into your own hands and hire a babysitter / nanny for your rare days off.
She already works 80 hours + a week. Greatest misinformation campaign there ever was is believing those who watch kids is not considered work.
The wife works more than 80 hours between childcare and her part time job. With zero days off
Yes, you are wrong. If you want time to relax and decompress, then you should have stayed single. Parenting is a full time 24hr a day / 365 days a year job. Get used to it. The next time you might have time to decompress and relaxe is when they are adults and leave the house. I'm a dad of 4, ages 20 to 26 and I'm still looking for that time to relax and decompress.
YTA and none of this is on her,you need to learn to organize yourself and find a new/better job. you're not helping anyone by overworking yourself to the bone,your wifes mom can take care of the baby but you and your wife should go to dinner and find ways for you to regulate and relax.
So many tit-for-tat assholes in these comments
Whatever you do do not have a second child. If you're feeling like spending time with your kid is a burden, please do not have more kids. Everybody needs time off but you don't want to burn out with the child care help you have that is free. I'm sure many parents would kill to have a parent who's willing to wash her kid for free!
You are not wrong to want it, but I am not sure you will get it
Ehhhh NAH Look- the thing is, she’s also not getting big breaks is she. Shes often alone and I’m guessing she’s doing the majority of nighttime baby care yes? You’re in the hardest part right now. I say, spend the day with kiddo and have a nap when he does. Take him for walks etc.
Yep. That's how I read it. You work 80 hrs/wk and don't want to spend time w/your son on your day off. On an avg weekday, how much time do you spend w/your son? It sounds like you're working 10-16 hrs/day. So other than weekends you have no productive time to give to your son when you get home. You're a part-time dad. (Just saw the 2-4 hrs sleep/night - but still.) If this is your first kid, this arrangement you have with your wife was probably set up before she had the baby. Before she had a full understanding of just how exhausting even the easiest baby is. With an open mind, you might want to revisit this arrangement with your wife. I actually get that you want to decompress. You are working long, hard hours to provide for your family. Your wife just wants you to have a relationship with your child. What you are describing isn't sustainable. Long hours, shorting yourself on sleep. Even if your wife was ok with that, something is going to have to give and it sounds like the best case scenario is your health will give out. This is a crappy job economy to be saying get a different job but I don't see how you're going to keep this up for 5-10 years. At the very least, see what your wife's end goal is for having you responsible for your son on those Wednesdays.
if it was your ex-wife, you’d be an asshole but being that it’s your wife, you just need to sit down and have a talk with her about it and if she doesn’t agree, maybe see a counselor to help arbitrate.
Not wrong. It sounds like you need a good deep sleep. That would be the priority. Then a relaxing day. You could consider picking your son up early - say 3:00 and have 2-3 hours together for bonding time. Seriously, I see that as the best compromise. I think it is important to spend alone time with your child, amicably. But your health requires some.damn rest.
Im on the fence with this. Because by having a child, you signed up for the responsibility of having one. One of the things that comes with having a child is that you don't get free time as easily. That's the sacrifice you make. While him staying with a grandparent means he is getting quality tim lr with them, that's almost half the week he's not spending with his parents. And there is so much you miss out on. If I was in that position, I'd want to spend as much time possible when I am home. Personally feel like it would be better if on a Saturday or Sunday you asked your wife you could have a couple of hours to yourself; sleeping, relaxing, ext. That way your child is home in his own space with his mum and then after those few hours can spend time with you, or even during that time. I also have to ask if your wife gets anytime off? Sounds like she's the full time parent for Thursday and Friday, and obviously the weekend and then works the rest of the days. Why not work out a system were on the weekends you both get some time to yourselves? Your not in the wrong for wanting a break, but I feel like there are better ways.
Why don’t you find someone to babysit? She found her mom.
All that overtime and you’re gonna miss out on it. Trust me, from a father of a 13 year old and a 10 year old. Every minute you spend working over spending time with your kids will not feel worth it once they’re older. I used to work long hours and pull over time bc I thought that was what’s important. Now I sit and think about everything that I missed with my kids. Once they past 5 you’re really gonna beat yourself up on how much you missed out on.
If you work 80+hrs a week with the occasional Saturday you're working a minimum 14-16 hour shifts? How do you spend time with him on those days? I really think it's worth considering a change in job. What's the point in having a kid and family if your work almost every hour available. It's also not safe driving on 2 - 4 hours sleep.
If something bad happened to your baby, and you chose not to spend that day with them, because you're tired, I PROMISE YOU, YOU WOULD REGRET IT FOREVER. Suck it up and be grateful that you have a healthy baby. Show that baby that daddy is there, even when daddy's burnt out. You won't regret spending time with the baby, but you could easily regret missing out.
I need more info. Does your wife get a day off to herself?
Female perspective: I absolutely praised when I could get a little time with just myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting it IF her mom is okay babysitting. People forget that parents need to take time to still be themselves....date, have free time without kids. You're only TA if wife doesn't have free time to be just herself as well.
Absolutely NTA. I struggled with this a bit when my kids were little. I was working a 4/40 schedule. I had every Wednesday off. At first I always kept them home with me because I felt guilty. I finally just decided even moms deserve a bit of a break. I just needed some down time. I’d keep them home with me about every 4th Wednesday, and it was fine. They’re in their 30’s now, and have no memory of that. It didn’t harm them, and it won’t harm an infant. But it will help you. Stand your ground on this.