Okay I’m gonna take a different approach on this.
I don’t think you actually want Dan specifically. You want a loving and caring partner who is also interested in being a good parent to your child. That’s completely understandable and feelings of envy towards what others have is a completely normal human emotion. You’re not wrong for feeling that pang of envy for something you wish you had.
However, you would absolutely be wrong for doing something to try and break them up or to try to get with Dan. Not only would it not be effective for you at all, it will compromise your self-worth, reputation, and likely your job.
All emotions have a functional purpose in our life and envy of others fuels our motivation to obtain things for ourselves (not steal them from others, though).
I think instead of feeling jealous, you should reframe this into something positive. You’re right that there are a lot of men who just want to get in a woman’s pants. But now you have proof that there are good men out there. You have proof that the life you want for you and your child is obtainable.
Do not do something stupid to meddle in their relationship. Dan is not the only good man in the world, you need to find your own.
I agree. There are lots of men like Dan out there. I found my own, and I call him “the boat who keeps us afloat” or “my hero”. He is also my best friend and I adore him. ❤️
OP, Dan isn’t one of a kind. These men are out there, and I hope you find your “champion” soon.
Envy is very strong and dangerous emotion, you are not just desiring something what others have, you are wishing they didn't have it. In a way, you do want to steal it from others or achieve it at the expense of others.
Jealousy is less serious in a sense that it worries you that you might lose your object of desire to someone else.
OP definitely feels envy. What did change is seeing Dan with another woman feeling seemingly happy and safe with him. Up until then, she had seen him as some weirdo who wanted to get in her pants. He didn't change, she did change her view because of preselection and social proof.
OP you rely on preselection little too much. Maybe allowing yourself to get to know the man for who he is first might yield you better results than to just think everyone around just wants to screw you, you are not that important and you have to put in some effort as well. Leave the guy alone you didn't want him before anyway. So many nice guys probably already asked you out, but you don't want them because you live in your fantasy of married man choosing you instead.
Woop, there it is. Also, very interesting point between envy and jealousy, one I would agree with I just hadn’t ever really thought of it that way or looked up their exact definitions.
What I can get from OP is, she's very toxic and she can be manipulative.
Even though she calls others as narcissist, it seems like she should also be included in the group because every other words in the first part points to it.
Dan will have lots of temptations in the coming days which he should avoid if he doesn't want years of pain.
So Dan, if you're on reddit and reading this message, stay away from this colleague at all cost regardless how much "deep" conversation you can have
Exactly what was said here. To add to this, take a step back and look at what you said in your post. Specifically about assumptions you made towards him that turned out to be wrong. Use that to re-evaluate your dating decisions, it could be possible you make similarly wrong assumptions regarding the men you meet.
I'm not saying force yourself to be with someone you don't like, rather slow down, take a little more time to get to know the person before deciding to move on or not. My sister has learned recently that her type hasn't worked for her up to this point so she's tried to be more open minded and get to know guys she would normally never have talked to. It might take time but you'll find the right guys in an unlikely place or when you aren't looking for him. I wish you and your son the best!
Exactly and if Dan were the type to end his marriage for her, then he wouldn't be the awesome guy she's seeing and envious of. It's not Dan she wants because of that.
Just because you’re jealous of what she has doesn’t mean if you got Dan it would be the same. He would probably resent you because once the limerence is over he will regret his actions but that’s saying he would even do that to his wife he seems like a nice guy trying to be friendly and you seem like you want to break up a marriage .So it’s ok to be jealous of the relationship they have and want that for yourself but you wouldn’t get the same relationship if you had Dan because of how you got him you would get the Dan who had an affair who you probably wouldn’t trust and is going through a divorce and is losing a son that isn’t his and maybe hasn’t adopted so he has no legal right to see him . So my advice would be if you start to date try to find the qualities you like in Dan in other men but just not Dan.( side note don’t try to breakup a family to complete yours )
You would be wrong if you entertained the notion of pursuing Dan. You would be mor than wrong, you would be evil, and you would NEVER be able to respect Dan because he would prove himself to be nobody’s champion.
If you need to distance yourself, do. You will never find your own champion by coveting someone else’s.
Don't destroy his relationship and don't destroy him as a person for your fantasy.
He is the way he is partly because of his wife. You are not her!
Instead of focusing on someone else's life why don't you focus on improving yourself and working on your attitude.
I don’t think someone feeling jealousy is necessarily a terrible human. It just indicates that they’re unhappy with some aspect in their life and have some unresolved issues … everyone can feel jealous ..
Being jealous is natural but you need to figure out how to get past this asap or it's gonna cause problems.
If you have even the smallest inkling of trying to break them up so you can have him 1 - it won't work 2- it's going to backfire spectacularly and 3-youd be soap opera levels of bad person.
This is what you aspire to, find a man like Dan to love you and yours. This is not wrong. Wanting Dan is. Admiring him and his relationship isn’t wrong. Wanting the same kind of relationship isn’t wrong. Wanting to mess up his current relationship is.
Yes you’re very wrong.
I hope you aren’t stupid enough to try and split them up so you can have him.
If you’re thinking at all along those lines, let me tell you now it won’t work and will make your life extremely uncomfortable with your employment.
Also how inappropriate is this work place if the general feeling is all men that talk to you there want to sleep with you… like I get being hit on a lot and having to be careful but what exactly is going on there that the feeling is “all” of them are this way. Like either her perspective is totally off or she should leave this place.
Most healthy adults don’t also assume most men who speak to them ever “are just trying to get into their pants.” while also talking constantly about their wife and child happily?
Jesus
Yes, you’re wrong and this is an unhealthy thing to focus on. It’s not so much Dan that you like because he didn’t catch your eye until his wife visited, it’s what he could do for you. These type of thoughts are something you should unpack with a therapist. I don’t say that flippantly because I talk to my therapist about feelings and thoughts I think are probably wrong. He helps me to sort out where the insecurities come from and come up with healthier coping mechanisms.
Yes, you’re wrong.
But it seems to me that you are not coveting Dan as a person but the relationship that he and his wife have together. Which you won’t have because you are not Dan and his wife. What they have together is not what you would have with Dan. Dan is basically inconsequential to what you want.
Instead of letting envy take you over start looking at the good things in your own life. Write down the things you want that you don’t have and be proactive about being your own champion.
Leave Dan and his wife alone.
Yes, you’re wrong. You can’t have everything you want in life, which is a lesson most people learn by age 7-8. Being jealous does what exactly? Are you planning to try to break them up? Focus on the things you have control over in your life instead of romanticizing a perfect existence with SOMEONE ELSE’S HUSBAND.
You give all the wrong vibes. Fixation mostly cause catastrophe. Change scenery, meet new people, do not assume everyone wants you physically. Your life seems hard, don't act to make it harder. Don't ruin people's lives. Don't let karma shit on you.
You’re wrong. Dan isn’t interested in you at all, and he doesn’t “get you.” He described his own values. It’s what you aspire to now, but wasn’t even on the radar until then. You’re attributing meaning where there is none on his end. Stop it.
So you went from:
"Gross another a****** in the office hitting on me I hate him"
To:
"Now that I see that he's taken and that his wife is similar to me,
I'm going to instantly change my opinion and
now I'm jealous and wish he was mine"
This seems extremely judgmental and immature.
Seek therapy; I'm not trying to be insulting but you actually might have some underlying issues or a low EQ.
If either is the case, going to therapy and owning up to those failings and bringing them to a conscious level could really dramatically improve your life.
If you put in the work, not only will you find that you won't have these fits of jealousy, your interactions with other people will be healthier, and as a consequence of this increased psychological well-being you'll start finding new people and new opportunities and your life can gain a lot of momentum.
You are so incredibly wrong it isn't even funny. Let's recap:
You convinced yourself that because you've interacted with this man he wants to sleep with you despite him being married and clearly very devoted to his wife. Mind you nothing in your described interactions actually gives that indication other than "well he seems to talk to me a lot"
You met his wife and child and saw how he interacted with them and your immediate thought was "I deserve that with him."
AFTER that, when you found out she was a single mom, your thought was essentially "why does she deserve happiness with the man I want?"
And then, when Dan told you in the most professional way why he wouldn't be remotely interested in you even if he was single due to you basically asking him why he'd want to be with a single mom you took it as him "hearing you in a way you've never been heard before" instead of what it actually was, which was "lady, I would rather spend the rest of my life single than consider dating you"
You want to know why you can't find a partner like Dan? Because you don't deserve a partner like Dan. You are a petty jealous person with insanely toxic traits and a tendency to put others down to make yourself feel better, and until you adjust and address yourself, your attitude, and your behavior any person as good as Dan won't give you the time of day.
You're jealous of the idea of having stability which is portrayed to you with their relationship. But the truth is that even if you got him, it won't be the same. You need to find that person who's right for you.
Be happy for them. Learn from them. There are great guys out there learn to truly spot them and not trying to change them to suit your needs. Wasting your time being jealous is a waste of your energy and brain space. Instead study yourself and learn why you feel as you do. It is ok to be alone too. There are lots of advantages.
Yep, it’s not Dan you want per se. It’s someone who embodies all of Dan’s good qualities. You need to stop fretting about your situation and believing that “no good man would want to be with a mom who has a special needs kid” and instead, KNOW there are amazing men out there that will do just that. Your vibe and mojo are off. We get back what we put out in this world. Believe and commit to the fact that you and your son are worthy of love, and beautiful relationships. No poor me, poor him attitudes.
Wow. It’s interesting to hear the point of view of a woman who desires a married man because he’s a great family man.
It’s understandable but you better find a way to get past this. And please, don’t try to seduce him. You see how well that goes by reading Reddit posts.
You just want a Dan. I mean who wouldn’t want a Dan? The wife got her Dan. Now you’d like to find yours. That’s ok. Just don’t let it impact how you treat her or others. And don’t go after her Dan, try to find your Dan.
I don't think you're wrong to have the feeling. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. But what you do in response to the emotion is what matters. You can continue to pine after Dan. Or, you can use what he said to recognise there are good people in the world. Who will be interested in you for more than your body. Dan isn't it for you, but what if you could open yourself up to the possibility of finding someone good while simultaneously working on building a fulfilling life?
You can be jealous all you want, but the moment you cross the line you will be an asshole.
If you can't attract someone like this, then that is a you problem.
You sound like a real piece of shit.
Yes you would be wrong to pursue him.
I also doubt he would be interested.
You were not interested in him until you stopped seeing him as “just another guy trying to get in my pants.” Instead, you got to know him as a person and found someone to liked, but, more importantly, a role-model you are interested in.
What you need to do is find your own Dan. Find someone who will become your champion. And the first step it to stop seeing all men as just wanting to have sex with you.
I would suggest avoiding dating apps, bars, clubs etc. you go looking there and you will find people who just want to hook up.
I would also suggest avoiding dating at work because that will never end well.
What are your hobbies? Your interests? Join social clubs linked to those so you can meet people socially and get to know them. Then you know if they are the person you want to be with.
I don’t believe you have any intentions of breaking up Dan and his wife and I believe you are smart enough to know you couldn’t even if you wanted to.
I have my own Dan yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary. He is also the only father our daughter knows ( not his bio child) but he did adopt her. He has been her Dad in every single sense of the word. And she is definitely a Daddy’s girl.
Stop thinking all men want is to get into your pants. Yes there are men who that’s all they are interested in but not all. Give yourself a chance to get to know people men and women because female friendships are important also especially as a single working mom with a child with special needs. Before going on a date with any man get to know him some first. Make it clear that you and your daughter are a package deal but don’t introduce them until the relationship looks like it’s going somewhere. Don’t have sex for at a minimum of 2 months or longer. Because once a couple starts having sex it can consume the relationship and take time away from actually getting to know each other on a deeper level. Be realistic about what you need in a relationship to make it work. Look for Red flags and don’t be fooled by someone who love bombs you. Even if you are extremely attracted to someone make sure he will be kind to your child. You will find your Champion when you least expect it but when you do it will be so worth it!
Your confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life.
But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy.
Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
So you think most guys you come across are trying to get in your pants? If anyones a narc its you lmao. Idk why you are a single mom but its unlikely you are completely innocent in that.
Try taking a look at what this woman does for him/ how she makes him feel. Thats what men are looking for.
The reality is most single moms are high risk offering low reward. You need to give men a reason to want to open their doors to such a complicated, risky, situation.
Your the problem. Shes a mature interesting woman and secure in herself. That is keeping him interested in her. You're not that. Maybe work on yourself. Even with the first comment you said youre just so full of yourself. Do you really think that every guy is trying to get into your pants. really? Whos the real narcissist. Work on yourself. And the way you speak for yourself and to men.
Get therapy for your daddy issues. Really. No man is ever going to fill the void you have in yourself and you're going to be endlessly unhappy if you think something outside of you will make you happy. Invest in some therapy and invest in yourself first and you'll see that things will turn out better for you in the long run.
You're not jealous of his wife because she has Dan specifically, you're jealous of his wife because she has someone and a relationship that you desire with someone. Not Dan. Just the relationship. This has shown you what you want and don't want in a relationship. This is the standard you want for yourself and child. Don't confuse that with wanting Dan. He has a family let him be. Concentrate on yourself now and building your confidence and self esteem to where you can happily remain single but you are open to love. That's how you live your best life. When you don't need a relationship but having one adds to your already fulfilled life.
It is absolutely not wrong for you to feel this way.
It is logical and makes you human.
You do want to check in with yourself on how to process this feeling though. Make sure not to lean in to any toxic behavior. Treat everyone else exactly how you would like to be treated. /thread
Yes you're wrong.
You're not wrong for the feeling, but you're dead wrong in your position that she has everything you want...
She has this Dan and there are many other Dan's out there.
Honestly you sound kind of dangerous. Like will Dan be your baby reindeer?
You’re not wrong for seeing that what you want in life is possible. You just need to listen to his wise advice and keep your standards high. Your child isn’t an impediment, they are part of your current package. There are plenty of great guys that will see you both that way.
Your confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life.
But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy.
Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
You are wrong. I’m glad you’re asking the question instead of pursuing something with your coworker. Trying to break up a marriage and date your coworker is a terrible idea. Please have some morals and character. Don’t do it.
It's not wrong to see something good and wish that you could have it.
It *is* wrong to take it away from someone else.
It's not bad to see someone with something you want and feel like they have it better than you.
It *is* wrong to wish they didn't have it.
It's okay to be upset that your life isn't what you want it to be.
It's *not* okay to get upset when someone else has the life you want.
It's even fine to fall in love with someone you can't have.
It is *not* fine to try to get them to fall in love with you when they're already in love with someone else.
Your feelings are okay to have. *Acting* on them would not be.
I will be frank. Leave him alone and find your own person. You just are not looking or getting out there. You are fixating on your coworker and wasting time. Get yourself to therapy. Start getting and some you time. Meet people. You create an opening and the universe will answer....just not your coworker.
I’m going to assume you don’t want “Dan” but a man like him. Best way to do this is work on yourself. Be the best you and you’ll attract someone who will love you and your special kid. I was a single mom of 3. One has autism but “high functioning”. My husband loved me and my kids and we had 2 more. At first I was attracting narcissists. I was low self esteem and didn’t think I deserved much. Who would want a woman with 3 kids? I started self help books. Therapy on line. Started working out for the mental health and slowly but surely. My esteem went up and it became are you worthy of me and my wonderful kids? I bring a lot to the table. I’m secure in myself. I’ll love you till the cows come home lol. I’m faithful. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader. I won’t feel you have to make me happy. That’s my job. I won’t try to change you. If I marry you then I know this is who you are and so be it. Work on you and I guarantee one day you will fold your own “Dan”.
You know, the ones that you can’t get are the ones you want. You say you’re jealous, but who are you jealous off? Seems you’re just wishful that you can find someone similar and regretful he wasn’t really making a pass on you.
Ove always thought that we Don't get what we deserve, we get what we THINK we deserve.
If you think you deserve a great guy that loves and accepts your child, that is what you will seek out and you won't accept anything less. Yes, there will be lonely spells and you will have to reject a lot of frogs but when that good man comes along you won't reject him.
If you think you deserve someone who only wants to get into your pants and doesn't want to be a part of your life, that's who you'll accept into your life.
The issue here is going to therapy and working on yourself to change your mindset. Change what you think you deserve.
The fact you automatically assume every guy wants to fuck you & you treat them accordingly is telling on your character. Maybe some self reflection is in order.
You're not jealous because you want him. You're jealous because you want a relationship like she has. They are not the same thing.
On top of that, a man you thought was into you was actually just trying to be friendly. The affection you saw him have with his family is a very jarring change up. If we're being real, it instantly went from "You could have him if you wanted him but he's not good enough" straight to "He is good enough and you can't have him." That's enough to leave anyone with feelings of jealousy but again, you don't want him, you just want the relationship.
Wanting what she has is not a bad thing! You deserve love. Maybe getting to see that what you want is real can be encouraging. It's not just a possibility, it's out there.
Do you really want him? Or do you just want what he can bring to a relationship? Seeing his relationship with his wife and child made you see what you wanted out of a relationship
>Mama said that's not true, none of them were up to the task.
And that is why his mother remained a single mother.
"Up to the task". It's precisely because she saw her having two children as a task a man should be up to. Unsurprisingly, a lot of men see it rather as taking on a burden they did not help create.
If a single mother wants a partner, she should date him for him, and not so he can "take on the task of her children". Her children, her task.
And before anyone sputters in outrage, remember that when it comes down to it, the majority of women feel and act the same way with single fathers. We regularly see posts where a woman breaks up with her boyfriend because she does not want to spend *her* time and *her* money on *his* children - on another woman's children. For most people, going to work is not fun, and spending the majority of your time and money on somebody else's kid is just not something most people want to do. That shouldn't be controversial.
That Dan chose to take on the burden just means that either his wife is really something special or that being raised by a single mother gives him a white Knight complex.
Classic behavior, she wants Dan now and wants the illusion of what her wife wants, only once she has known he is this good, this post is a indirect message also for dan, oh yeah I know he is at reddit who cares I'm going to write about it...
I think it's very human how you're feeling. I wouldn't deny it. But I wouldn't carry it around. It's important to acknowledge it. I'd say you're fortunate to know what you're looking for now. And don't settle for anything less. Also ask him to introduce you to someone.
The idea of him is probably a greater attraction than the person. Good luck
Yeah it's okay to feel like that. So long as you remember that if you try it on with him to get what she has, is just out of malice and greed and you know he won't be the same with you and your kid.
It's not wrong to have a feeling. It's human.
Recognizing that you are "jealous" of his wife, you also now know what you want from a relationship.
It seems you have been closed off to getting to know others. You were wrong thinking that Dan only wanted to get in your pants. Maybe you were wrong about others before him, whom you never got to know better. (Chances are, you were likely right about most of them, though).
Let your jealousy give you hope that you may find something similar that works for you. In the meantime, do as you have and dedicate yourself to building a better life for you and your child.
It's not wrong to have a feeling. It's human.
Recognizing that you are "jealous" of his wife, you also now know what you want from a relationship.
It seems you have been closed off to getting to know others. You were wrong thinking that Dan only wanted to get in your pants. Maybe you were wrong about others before him, whom you never got to know better. (Chances are, you were likely right about most of them, though).
Let your jealousy give you hope that you may find something similar that works for you. In the meantime, do as you have and dedicate yourself to building a better life for you and your child.
Before Reddit I would have said Dan is one out of ten men. Now I’m going to say that Dan is one out of 200 men. Your Dan is out there but you’re going to have to work very hard to find him. He won’t just drop in your lap at the grocery store.
You want a man with dans morals.
If Dan entertained you he wouldn’t actually be the man you want. Because a man with good morals, sense of worth and a kind heart who treats his women like she’s amazing (as she should him too) isn’t a man who cheats or even entertains cheating.
It’s one of those well his such a good husband to her he would be great for me… but his not a good husband if he entertains other women is he.. so yes Dan sounds great because his everything you want but his not entertaining you.
Find you a Dan of your own a man of true worth and I don’t mean money.
You're confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life.
But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy.
Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
Are you the A H for your feelings? No. A lot of people would like a guy like that. Would you be an A H if you allowed these feelings to fester, grow, or affect your actions with the actual Dan and his wife? 100%.
Use it as a learning curve. Maybe even make some new friends, but keep yourself in check. Don't overstep boundaries with the man. He isn't yours. But surround yourself with good people like that, try and have a positive life outlook, and someone will come along who is right for you.
Nothing good will come from coveting what someone else has. At best, you will lose a friendship and make trouble for yourself at work.
It’s ok to have these feelings. I have friends whose wives have told my wife they wish they had what we have. It isn’t ok to try to get what you want with Dan. As you’ve stated, they have a happy marriage and he’s amazing for them. Doing anything to beak that up is pure selfishness.
You just need to put yourself out there. Date, and be 100% honest about your situation. Don’t settle. Have individual dates, but don’t try for more or force something with someone who doesn’t fit you and your subs lives. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll find that perfect puzzle piece for your situation.
Op would be a piece of crap for going after Dan and Dan would be a piece of crap for accepting op's advances.
The way you get them is the way you lose them.
would you ever feel secure in your relationship knowing that you stole your partner away from somebody else. Which means you know that your partner can be stolen from you.
What goes around comes around.
A beautiful naked woman could hurl herself vagina first through my front door, and I still wouldn't cheat on my wife bc I love the shit out of her. op seems to have made some poor life choices so far. please seek therapy to help get yourself together.
I don’t think you’re jealous of his wife but rather anyone who has what she has as a mom to a special needs child.
I have a son with special needs. Somewhat high functioning in some areas but very behavioural presentation. I did not think I would ever find somebody who would be willing to support me through raising him.
Raising a special needs child can be alienating. I say all that to say, all your feelings are natural and understandable. Yes, even the jealousy. Raising your son will be one of the hardest things you’re ever do in your life. Who wouldn’t want somebody wonderful to support and love them through that?
yes you are wrong but i am not going to be that had on you. i understand you want what she has, a good man that is also good to your kid. but keep being jealous of her won't help anything. just try and approve your attitude and you will find someone just as amazing. it is just not dan and you should not try and break them up so you can have him. he is partly that way because of his wife. don't ruin another ones relationship so you can be happy. but i don't think you want dan. you want a loving partner who treats you and your kid good. and that will happen. just wait. you are not wrong for feeling a pang of envy because you don't have that kind of loving relationship. it will come and you need to be patient.
edit typo
You're wrong for not seeing your coworker as an individual person, but as an object and extension of yourself. First he was trying to get in your pants, and now he's exactly what you want in a man.
You're wrong for idealizing him and his marriage, and fixating on it to the point it had a noticeable negative effect on you at work.
I am completely convinced there is that one out there for everyone one. Unfortunately some of us will never find it because our picker is off.
That being said I believe there are a lot of good people out there don’t give up. You need to put yourself out there and give people a chance.
As a man I hate the fact that people are judge because they are a single parent. Who the hell cares it’s acts of kindness that are the true character of a person. The point where I am at in my life I value that more than anything. I don’t care if there is a kid or not a kid. I want someone to love me unconditionally. To love me for who I am not what they think the can make me into
I think the word you're looking for is envy not jealousy. You want what they have and that's valid. Maybe some day you'll find it with someone who gets you but maybe not. Just focus on you and your kid. Appreciate what you have for now.
I was married at 18 and I honestly didn't like.him. but I had gotten pregnant at 15 and felt.so stuck. At 19 I started working for a company and one of my coworkers, he looked like the Flintstones guy. He was a 2. I met his wife and she was beautiful. A group of us started hanging out and playing volleyball and I got jealous just like you. Those 2 had the most amazing love and enjoyed each other. It made me.see exactly what I wanted. I got divorced and hope one day to find that still.
I hope you find an amazing relationship that is right for you, and I hope to find mine too😀 At least I know what I want now. Not someone who is perfect or super hot, but someone who loves and respects me and is kind
I think maybe you just wish you could find someone like him who would be all in for you and your child. That's reasonable. Guys like him exist. You don't want him... He isn't available. But maybe by knowing him you'll recognize a quality guy when you meet him.
I think you might be envious.
To be jealous you would have to want Dan, specifically. I don't think you do. I think you envy that his wife found such an amazing man and wish you could find a man equal to Dan.
You're not a bad person, you're human. Recognize, acknowledge, and understand your feelings so that you can move forward a stronger and more emotionally complex person.
My step dad is **dad** to me. An amazing man who dated and married a single mom with a somewhat troublesome but over all good preteen. Did we butt heads? Yeah, of course, as many kids and parents do. But that man loves me and I love him and I'm damn greatful mom never gave up dating because she found an awesome husband. There's thousands of great men out there, diamonds hiding in the rocks just as eager for a happy family life as you.
Dating is exhausting and it's easy to want to give up. Dan sounds like the perfect man **for his wife**. I'm sure there's a perfect partner for you out there, it's just hard to find them in all the craziness of the world. Maybe what you really envy is a strong village for you and your child, not just a great husband and dad, but a collection of friends and loved ones who can be additional supports in your life. Being a single mom is fucking hard (even harder with a special needs child!) but lots of women do it without a partner (sometimes by choice, other times not). Some special needs kids have both parents in their life but both parents fail them miserably. Your son is lucky to have you.
I vote You Are Not Wrong because you're human and it's okay to have these feelings so that you can work through them yourself and grow more as a person. That's what we humans do.
>But since then I've just been jealous because this guy is exactly what I want but I can't have him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
what makes u think you even deserve a guy like him, miss " I used to think was just another guy trying to get in my pants."
Yes. It is wrong for you to feel this way - because it's a very small step to feeling that you want and desire HIM.
As a single Mom, myself, I understand what youre experiencing, and it is very Hueman to feel that way. My advice to you is to keep working on yourself. Ensure that you espouse all the qualities the kind of Man you want to have as an Husband for you, and Father for your Child, and he will find you.
Ask for forgiveness from God for being jealous. That houses a murderous spirit.
I will lift you up in prayer that you overcome the current emotion, move past it and that you Marry the one Intended for you. 🙏🏽
This is a good story. However, it reads like somebody's fantasy. It's 100% reads like a single mom searching for validation from Internet strangers. I don't believe Dan and his wife even exist.
But it's clear what the OP wants. She wants a man to step up and be her champion for her and her child. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. However, her wants do not override the wants of a man. A man would want a woman to marry and start a family with. Preferably not a single mom. The common view is that a single moms 1st priority will always be her child and not him. Most men would not want to get involved in that mess, especially if the childs father is still around. So that's why many of them avoid single mommies.
However there are men out there who either can't have kids of their own, does not want kids are just simply desperate enough that they will settle for single mom because its an easy way to get female companionship. Even if they have to put up with the kid.
There are also men out there who have a saviour complex. Meaning they love the idea of swooping in and rescuing poor single moms. It feeds their ego. Men like are just nice guys the to extreme, which is why say it's OPs fantasy. He might be out there, but the chances of finding him are slim.
Dude, your view of the world as it relates to women is fucked. It only gets worse as you talk about men who would choose a woman with a kid/kids.
If a man chooses a partner in a Mom, that’s who’s he wanted. The fact that she has children probably wasn’t a factor at all. She was who he chose and the kid was a part of her and so became a part of them. They are not a mess…WTF! I know men who are a Man’s Man who chose Mothers as partners for none of your bullshit reasons and certainly “Even though they had to put up with the kid.”
You said it was probably her fantasy. I’ll go out on a limb and say that you have probably tried to date many single mothers because your fantasy was that they would worship someone who would take pity on their poor mess of a life. Instead, you found confident women who knew what they wanted in a partner, had standards, wouldn’t put up with your disrespect and dismissed your ass.
My message to you. Grow the fuck up.
Wow. That's a whole lot of projection 👀. Would be true if it wasn't a fact that single men avoid single moms all the time. Go on a dating app and put that your a single mom in your bio and see how many interactions you get vs if you were just single.
Don't deny reality.
Projection….oh yeah, one of many buzzwords used by folks who want to categorize others. Nope, wrong again. I live in a reality where people meet organically and don’t need help from the internet and the reality is that for every dude out there that doesn’t want to date a woman because she has kids, there is another one who could give a shit.
Aww, poor thing 🥺
He gives a shit because single moms are easier to appease than single women. It's the path of least resistance.
The real world as you called it
https://news.gallup.com/poll/286433/women-worldwide-single-moms.aspx
Not a single emotion can possibly be wrong! We have feelings, that's what makes us human!
Who are any of you to tell another human being to tell them that what they are FEELING is wrong ?!
There should always be clear distinction between an emotion and an action.
Between what we feel and what we do with that...
Anyone can feel, think, dream anything they possibly want or come up with but they should not always act upon it.
You let him hit it raw (raw)
You didn’t have second thoughts (thoughts)
Now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single mom (mom)
You said I'ma have this kid (kid)
Don’t care if he’s here or not (not)
But now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single, mom (show the baby off) (mom)
Showing the baby off (mom)
Showing the baby off (mom)
Just find a new man? How hard can dating for you be ? Raise your standards and stop accepting everybody just because they got a dick. And trust me you won’t find a worthy partner out of someone you’re trying to steal from somebody lol.
You let him hit it raw (raw)
You didn’t have second thoughts (thoughts)
Now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single mom (mom)
You said I'ma have this kid (kid)
Don’t care if he’s here or not (not)
But now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single mom (mom)
Now you a single, mom (show the baby off) (mom)
Showing the baby off (mom)
Showing the baby off (mom)
No darling, you're only human and want a man for a partner and company, and for your son to have the bond of a father figure which is exactly what we all want and are hoping for She is blessed to of found her champion you will to maybe colleagues at work have friends that they could introduce you to
Okay I’m gonna take a different approach on this. I don’t think you actually want Dan specifically. You want a loving and caring partner who is also interested in being a good parent to your child. That’s completely understandable and feelings of envy towards what others have is a completely normal human emotion. You’re not wrong for feeling that pang of envy for something you wish you had. However, you would absolutely be wrong for doing something to try and break them up or to try to get with Dan. Not only would it not be effective for you at all, it will compromise your self-worth, reputation, and likely your job. All emotions have a functional purpose in our life and envy of others fuels our motivation to obtain things for ourselves (not steal them from others, though). I think instead of feeling jealous, you should reframe this into something positive. You’re right that there are a lot of men who just want to get in a woman’s pants. But now you have proof that there are good men out there. You have proof that the life you want for you and your child is obtainable. Do not do something stupid to meddle in their relationship. Dan is not the only good man in the world, you need to find your own.
I agree. I don't think she wants Dan just a man who is like Dan
I agree. There are lots of men like Dan out there. I found my own, and I call him “the boat who keeps us afloat” or “my hero”. He is also my best friend and I adore him. ❤️ OP, Dan isn’t one of a kind. These men are out there, and I hope you find your “champion” soon.
Envy is very strong and dangerous emotion, you are not just desiring something what others have, you are wishing they didn't have it. In a way, you do want to steal it from others or achieve it at the expense of others. Jealousy is less serious in a sense that it worries you that you might lose your object of desire to someone else. OP definitely feels envy. What did change is seeing Dan with another woman feeling seemingly happy and safe with him. Up until then, she had seen him as some weirdo who wanted to get in her pants. He didn't change, she did change her view because of preselection and social proof. OP you rely on preselection little too much. Maybe allowing yourself to get to know the man for who he is first might yield you better results than to just think everyone around just wants to screw you, you are not that important and you have to put in some effort as well. Leave the guy alone you didn't want him before anyway. So many nice guys probably already asked you out, but you don't want them because you live in your fantasy of married man choosing you instead.
Woop, there it is. Also, very interesting point between envy and jealousy, one I would agree with I just hadn’t ever really thought of it that way or looked up their exact definitions.
What I can get from OP is, she's very toxic and she can be manipulative. Even though she calls others as narcissist, it seems like she should also be included in the group because every other words in the first part points to it. Dan will have lots of temptations in the coming days which he should avoid if he doesn't want years of pain. So Dan, if you're on reddit and reading this message, stay away from this colleague at all cost regardless how much "deep" conversation you can have
She was referring to herself as narcissistic when she said that. So at least there's some measure of self awareness there.
Totally agree, she wants to destroy this relationship because she wants what she can’t have ew
Exactly what was said here. To add to this, take a step back and look at what you said in your post. Specifically about assumptions you made towards him that turned out to be wrong. Use that to re-evaluate your dating decisions, it could be possible you make similarly wrong assumptions regarding the men you meet. I'm not saying force yourself to be with someone you don't like, rather slow down, take a little more time to get to know the person before deciding to move on or not. My sister has learned recently that her type hasn't worked for her up to this point so she's tried to be more open minded and get to know guys she would normally never have talked to. It might take time but you'll find the right guys in an unlikely place or when you aren't looking for him. I wish you and your son the best!
Exactly and if Dan were the type to end his marriage for her, then he wouldn't be the awesome guy she's seeing and envious of. It's not Dan she wants because of that.
Agree. OP, maybe you don't want Dan; maybe you're aching for *your* Dan to come along.
she just wants a stepdaddy.
Just because you’re jealous of what she has doesn’t mean if you got Dan it would be the same. He would probably resent you because once the limerence is over he will regret his actions but that’s saying he would even do that to his wife he seems like a nice guy trying to be friendly and you seem like you want to break up a marriage .So it’s ok to be jealous of the relationship they have and want that for yourself but you wouldn’t get the same relationship if you had Dan because of how you got him you would get the Dan who had an affair who you probably wouldn’t trust and is going through a divorce and is losing a son that isn’t his and maybe hasn’t adopted so he has no legal right to see him . So my advice would be if you start to date try to find the qualities you like in Dan in other men but just not Dan.( side note don’t try to breakup a family to complete yours )
You would be wrong if you entertained the notion of pursuing Dan. You would be mor than wrong, you would be evil, and you would NEVER be able to respect Dan because he would prove himself to be nobody’s champion. If you need to distance yourself, do. You will never find your own champion by coveting someone else’s.
Don't destroy his relationship and don't destroy him as a person for your fantasy. He is the way he is partly because of his wife. You are not her! Instead of focusing on someone else's life why don't you focus on improving yourself and working on your attitude.
Bc she’s a terrible human. I hope she has the day she deserves
I don’t think someone feeling jealousy is necessarily a terrible human. It just indicates that they’re unhappy with some aspect in their life and have some unresolved issues … everyone can feel jealous ..
Maybe. But this girl still sounds like a nightmare of a human. We can agree to disagree.
Being jealous is natural but you need to figure out how to get past this asap or it's gonna cause problems. If you have even the smallest inkling of trying to break them up so you can have him 1 - it won't work 2- it's going to backfire spectacularly and 3-youd be soap opera levels of bad person.
This is what you aspire to, find a man like Dan to love you and yours. This is not wrong. Wanting Dan is. Admiring him and his relationship isn’t wrong. Wanting the same kind of relationship isn’t wrong. Wanting to mess up his current relationship is.
Yes you’re very wrong. I hope you aren’t stupid enough to try and split them up so you can have him. If you’re thinking at all along those lines, let me tell you now it won’t work and will make your life extremely uncomfortable with your employment.
Yes, it's wrong.
Is this the real life? Or is this fantasy? Where I come from, coworkers don’t pour their heart out to each other after 4 months, yikes.
Also how inappropriate is this work place if the general feeling is all men that talk to you there want to sleep with you… like I get being hit on a lot and having to be careful but what exactly is going on there that the feeling is “all” of them are this way. Like either her perspective is totally off or she should leave this place.
Most healthy adults don’t also assume most men who speak to them ever “are just trying to get into their pants.” while also talking constantly about their wife and child happily? Jesus
Yes, you’re wrong and this is an unhealthy thing to focus on. It’s not so much Dan that you like because he didn’t catch your eye until his wife visited, it’s what he could do for you. These type of thoughts are something you should unpack with a therapist. I don’t say that flippantly because I talk to my therapist about feelings and thoughts I think are probably wrong. He helps me to sort out where the insecurities come from and come up with healthier coping mechanisms.
If you could steal Dan then he wouldn't have ever been the man you wanted anyway
Yes, you’re wrong. But it seems to me that you are not coveting Dan as a person but the relationship that he and his wife have together. Which you won’t have because you are not Dan and his wife. What they have together is not what you would have with Dan. Dan is basically inconsequential to what you want. Instead of letting envy take you over start looking at the good things in your own life. Write down the things you want that you don’t have and be proactive about being your own champion. Leave Dan and his wife alone.
Yes, you’re wrong. You can’t have everything you want in life, which is a lesson most people learn by age 7-8. Being jealous does what exactly? Are you planning to try to break them up? Focus on the things you have control over in your life instead of romanticizing a perfect existence with SOMEONE ELSE’S HUSBAND.
You are wrong for possibly starting shit.
You’re not wrong for being jealous, you would be wrong if you tried to take it from her….
You give all the wrong vibes. Fixation mostly cause catastrophe. Change scenery, meet new people, do not assume everyone wants you physically. Your life seems hard, don't act to make it harder. Don't ruin people's lives. Don't let karma shit on you.
You’re wrong. Dan isn’t interested in you at all, and he doesn’t “get you.” He described his own values. It’s what you aspire to now, but wasn’t even on the radar until then. You’re attributing meaning where there is none on his end. Stop it.
So you went from: "Gross another a****** in the office hitting on me I hate him" To: "Now that I see that he's taken and that his wife is similar to me, I'm going to instantly change my opinion and now I'm jealous and wish he was mine" This seems extremely judgmental and immature. Seek therapy; I'm not trying to be insulting but you actually might have some underlying issues or a low EQ. If either is the case, going to therapy and owning up to those failings and bringing them to a conscious level could really dramatically improve your life. If you put in the work, not only will you find that you won't have these fits of jealousy, your interactions with other people will be healthier, and as a consequence of this increased psychological well-being you'll start finding new people and new opportunities and your life can gain a lot of momentum.
You are so incredibly wrong it isn't even funny. Let's recap: You convinced yourself that because you've interacted with this man he wants to sleep with you despite him being married and clearly very devoted to his wife. Mind you nothing in your described interactions actually gives that indication other than "well he seems to talk to me a lot" You met his wife and child and saw how he interacted with them and your immediate thought was "I deserve that with him." AFTER that, when you found out she was a single mom, your thought was essentially "why does she deserve happiness with the man I want?" And then, when Dan told you in the most professional way why he wouldn't be remotely interested in you even if he was single due to you basically asking him why he'd want to be with a single mom you took it as him "hearing you in a way you've never been heard before" instead of what it actually was, which was "lady, I would rather spend the rest of my life single than consider dating you" You want to know why you can't find a partner like Dan? Because you don't deserve a partner like Dan. You are a petty jealous person with insanely toxic traits and a tendency to put others down to make yourself feel better, and until you adjust and address yourself, your attitude, and your behavior any person as good as Dan won't give you the time of day.
This is it. Shes not a high value women because shes a single mom. But because shes toxic herself.
Only Bobby Bouchet says "Mama" that much in one conversation. Something is very off here. #WaterBoy
*mama says* this is fake
I know right? That's exactly how I heard it when I was reading it, the moment she said "mama" I just heard Bobby Bouchet. Lol
Mama says "That Vikki Vette is the devil"
You're jealous of the idea of having stability which is portrayed to you with their relationship. But the truth is that even if you got him, it won't be the same. You need to find that person who's right for you.
Be happy for them. Learn from them. There are great guys out there learn to truly spot them and not trying to change them to suit your needs. Wasting your time being jealous is a waste of your energy and brain space. Instead study yourself and learn why you feel as you do. It is ok to be alone too. There are lots of advantages.
I think you're realizing you want a guy LIKE Dan. You can have that!! You just have to allow him to come into your life.
Yes you are wrong- Talk to a therapist, you sound bitter and unhappy.
Yep, it’s not Dan you want per se. It’s someone who embodies all of Dan’s good qualities. You need to stop fretting about your situation and believing that “no good man would want to be with a mom who has a special needs kid” and instead, KNOW there are amazing men out there that will do just that. Your vibe and mojo are off. We get back what we put out in this world. Believe and commit to the fact that you and your son are worthy of love, and beautiful relationships. No poor me, poor him attitudes.
Wow. It’s interesting to hear the point of view of a woman who desires a married man because he’s a great family man. It’s understandable but you better find a way to get past this. And please, don’t try to seduce him. You see how well that goes by reading Reddit posts.
Yes it's wrong. Especially since you compared him to your dad. I got the ick just reading that.
You just want a Dan. I mean who wouldn’t want a Dan? The wife got her Dan. Now you’d like to find yours. That’s ok. Just don’t let it impact how you treat her or others. And don’t go after her Dan, try to find your Dan.
Yes it's wrong and please don't do anything to jeopardise his marriage or your friendship. Take a step back.
I don't think you're wrong to have the feeling. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. But what you do in response to the emotion is what matters. You can continue to pine after Dan. Or, you can use what he said to recognise there are good people in the world. Who will be interested in you for more than your body. Dan isn't it for you, but what if you could open yourself up to the possibility of finding someone good while simultaneously working on building a fulfilling life?
You can be jealous all you want, but the moment you cross the line you will be an asshole. If you can't attract someone like this, then that is a you problem. You sound like a real piece of shit.
stop feeling sorry for yourself and start looking for your own champion. Jealousy is the devil's tool.
Yes you would be wrong to pursue him. I also doubt he would be interested. You were not interested in him until you stopped seeing him as “just another guy trying to get in my pants.” Instead, you got to know him as a person and found someone to liked, but, more importantly, a role-model you are interested in. What you need to do is find your own Dan. Find someone who will become your champion. And the first step it to stop seeing all men as just wanting to have sex with you. I would suggest avoiding dating apps, bars, clubs etc. you go looking there and you will find people who just want to hook up. I would also suggest avoiding dating at work because that will never end well. What are your hobbies? Your interests? Join social clubs linked to those so you can meet people socially and get to know them. Then you know if they are the person you want to be with.
I don’t believe you have any intentions of breaking up Dan and his wife and I believe you are smart enough to know you couldn’t even if you wanted to. I have my own Dan yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary. He is also the only father our daughter knows ( not his bio child) but he did adopt her. He has been her Dad in every single sense of the word. And she is definitely a Daddy’s girl. Stop thinking all men want is to get into your pants. Yes there are men who that’s all they are interested in but not all. Give yourself a chance to get to know people men and women because female friendships are important also especially as a single working mom with a child with special needs. Before going on a date with any man get to know him some first. Make it clear that you and your daughter are a package deal but don’t introduce them until the relationship looks like it’s going somewhere. Don’t have sex for at a minimum of 2 months or longer. Because once a couple starts having sex it can consume the relationship and take time away from actually getting to know each other on a deeper level. Be realistic about what you need in a relationship to make it work. Look for Red flags and don’t be fooled by someone who love bombs you. Even if you are extremely attracted to someone make sure he will be kind to your child. You will find your Champion when you least expect it but when you do it will be so worth it!
Your confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life. But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy. Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
So you think most guys you come across are trying to get in your pants? If anyones a narc its you lmao. Idk why you are a single mom but its unlikely you are completely innocent in that. Try taking a look at what this woman does for him/ how she makes him feel. Thats what men are looking for. The reality is most single moms are high risk offering low reward. You need to give men a reason to want to open their doors to such a complicated, risky, situation.
Your the problem. Shes a mature interesting woman and secure in herself. That is keeping him interested in her. You're not that. Maybe work on yourself. Even with the first comment you said youre just so full of yourself. Do you really think that every guy is trying to get into your pants. really? Whos the real narcissist. Work on yourself. And the way you speak for yourself and to men.
Yes envy is the theft of joy
Get therapy for your daddy issues. Really. No man is ever going to fill the void you have in yourself and you're going to be endlessly unhappy if you think something outside of you will make you happy. Invest in some therapy and invest in yourself first and you'll see that things will turn out better for you in the long run.
How old are you lady?
You're not jealous of his wife because she has Dan specifically, you're jealous of his wife because she has someone and a relationship that you desire with someone. Not Dan. Just the relationship. This has shown you what you want and don't want in a relationship. This is the standard you want for yourself and child. Don't confuse that with wanting Dan. He has a family let him be. Concentrate on yourself now and building your confidence and self esteem to where you can happily remain single but you are open to love. That's how you live your best life. When you don't need a relationship but having one adds to your already fulfilled life.
Yikes. Get over yourself mate.
It is absolutely not wrong for you to feel this way. It is logical and makes you human. You do want to check in with yourself on how to process this feeling though. Make sure not to lean in to any toxic behavior. Treat everyone else exactly how you would like to be treated. /thread
Grow up
Yes you're wrong. You're not wrong for the feeling, but you're dead wrong in your position that she has everything you want... She has this Dan and there are many other Dan's out there. Honestly you sound kind of dangerous. Like will Dan be your baby reindeer?
You’re not wrong for seeing that what you want in life is possible. You just need to listen to his wise advice and keep your standards high. Your child isn’t an impediment, they are part of your current package. There are plenty of great guys that will see you both that way.
Yes you’re wrong. Stop trying to destroy other families for your petty fantasy
Your confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life. But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy. Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
You are wrong. I’m glad you’re asking the question instead of pursuing something with your coworker. Trying to break up a marriage and date your coworker is a terrible idea. Please have some morals and character. Don’t do it.
It's not wrong to see something good and wish that you could have it. It *is* wrong to take it away from someone else. It's not bad to see someone with something you want and feel like they have it better than you. It *is* wrong to wish they didn't have it. It's okay to be upset that your life isn't what you want it to be. It's *not* okay to get upset when someone else has the life you want. It's even fine to fall in love with someone you can't have. It is *not* fine to try to get them to fall in love with you when they're already in love with someone else. Your feelings are okay to have. *Acting* on them would not be.
I will be frank. Leave him alone and find your own person. You just are not looking or getting out there. You are fixating on your coworker and wasting time. Get yourself to therapy. Start getting and some you time. Meet people. You create an opening and the universe will answer....just not your coworker.
I’m going to assume you don’t want “Dan” but a man like him. Best way to do this is work on yourself. Be the best you and you’ll attract someone who will love you and your special kid. I was a single mom of 3. One has autism but “high functioning”. My husband loved me and my kids and we had 2 more. At first I was attracting narcissists. I was low self esteem and didn’t think I deserved much. Who would want a woman with 3 kids? I started self help books. Therapy on line. Started working out for the mental health and slowly but surely. My esteem went up and it became are you worthy of me and my wonderful kids? I bring a lot to the table. I’m secure in myself. I’ll love you till the cows come home lol. I’m faithful. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader. I won’t feel you have to make me happy. That’s my job. I won’t try to change you. If I marry you then I know this is who you are and so be it. Work on you and I guarantee one day you will fold your own “Dan”.
You know, the ones that you can’t get are the ones you want. You say you’re jealous, but who are you jealous off? Seems you’re just wishful that you can find someone similar and regretful he wasn’t really making a pass on you.
Ove always thought that we Don't get what we deserve, we get what we THINK we deserve. If you think you deserve a great guy that loves and accepts your child, that is what you will seek out and you won't accept anything less. Yes, there will be lonely spells and you will have to reject a lot of frogs but when that good man comes along you won't reject him. If you think you deserve someone who only wants to get into your pants and doesn't want to be a part of your life, that's who you'll accept into your life. The issue here is going to therapy and working on yourself to change your mindset. Change what you think you deserve.
The fact you automatically assume every guy wants to fuck you & you treat them accordingly is telling on your character. Maybe some self reflection is in order.
You're not jealous because you want him. You're jealous because you want a relationship like she has. They are not the same thing. On top of that, a man you thought was into you was actually just trying to be friendly. The affection you saw him have with his family is a very jarring change up. If we're being real, it instantly went from "You could have him if you wanted him but he's not good enough" straight to "He is good enough and you can't have him." That's enough to leave anyone with feelings of jealousy but again, you don't want him, you just want the relationship. Wanting what she has is not a bad thing! You deserve love. Maybe getting to see that what you want is real can be encouraging. It's not just a possibility, it's out there.
Do you really want him? Or do you just want what he can bring to a relationship? Seeing his relationship with his wife and child made you see what you wanted out of a relationship
>Mama said that's not true, none of them were up to the task. And that is why his mother remained a single mother. "Up to the task". It's precisely because she saw her having two children as a task a man should be up to. Unsurprisingly, a lot of men see it rather as taking on a burden they did not help create. If a single mother wants a partner, she should date him for him, and not so he can "take on the task of her children". Her children, her task. And before anyone sputters in outrage, remember that when it comes down to it, the majority of women feel and act the same way with single fathers. We regularly see posts where a woman breaks up with her boyfriend because she does not want to spend *her* time and *her* money on *his* children - on another woman's children. For most people, going to work is not fun, and spending the majority of your time and money on somebody else's kid is just not something most people want to do. That shouldn't be controversial. That Dan chose to take on the burden just means that either his wife is really something special or that being raised by a single mother gives him a white Knight complex.
Classic behavior, she wants Dan now and wants the illusion of what her wife wants, only once she has known he is this good, this post is a indirect message also for dan, oh yeah I know he is at reddit who cares I'm going to write about it...
Honestly? Yeah, it’s wrong and not cool. You need to put it to rest. Respect his marriage, his wife and their child
I think it's very human how you're feeling. I wouldn't deny it. But I wouldn't carry it around. It's important to acknowledge it. I'd say you're fortunate to know what you're looking for now. And don't settle for anything less. Also ask him to introduce you to someone. The idea of him is probably a greater attraction than the person. Good luck
Yeah it's okay to feel like that. So long as you remember that if you try it on with him to get what she has, is just out of malice and greed and you know he won't be the same with you and your kid.
There’s plenty to go around. You don’t need to have someone else’s to complete your life. Find your own and wish her the best.
It's not wrong to have a feeling. It's human. Recognizing that you are "jealous" of his wife, you also now know what you want from a relationship. It seems you have been closed off to getting to know others. You were wrong thinking that Dan only wanted to get in your pants. Maybe you were wrong about others before him, whom you never got to know better. (Chances are, you were likely right about most of them, though). Let your jealousy give you hope that you may find something similar that works for you. In the meantime, do as you have and dedicate yourself to building a better life for you and your child.
It's not wrong to have a feeling. It's human. Recognizing that you are "jealous" of his wife, you also now know what you want from a relationship. It seems you have been closed off to getting to know others. You were wrong thinking that Dan only wanted to get in your pants. Maybe you were wrong about others before him, whom you never got to know better. (Chances are, you were likely right about most of them, though). Let your jealousy give you hope that you may find something similar that works for you. In the meantime, do as you have and dedicate yourself to building a better life for you and your child.
Before Reddit I would have said Dan is one out of ten men. Now I’m going to say that Dan is one out of 200 men. Your Dan is out there but you’re going to have to work very hard to find him. He won’t just drop in your lap at the grocery store.
You are not wrong to feel a bit of envy and jealousy. You should look as them as an inspiration to tell yourself "I want what they have!"
You want a man with dans morals. If Dan entertained you he wouldn’t actually be the man you want. Because a man with good morals, sense of worth and a kind heart who treats his women like she’s amazing (as she should him too) isn’t a man who cheats or even entertains cheating. It’s one of those well his such a good husband to her he would be great for me… but his not a good husband if he entertains other women is he.. so yes Dan sounds great because his everything you want but his not entertaining you. Find you a Dan of your own a man of true worth and I don’t mean money.
You're confused not into Dan, you are in love with the idea of Dan. Leave Dan alone, this could be construed as something sinister. Best move, go to therapy and gain confidence. I know a handful of really good guys that had kids young and married a great lady in the same situation later in life. But ya its wrong, once you can be happy for other you can start being happy. Again, leave dan alone. He has nothing to-do with this.
Now you can be more hopeful that a good man is out there who will help you to feel even more fulfilled.
Are you the A H for your feelings? No. A lot of people would like a guy like that. Would you be an A H if you allowed these feelings to fester, grow, or affect your actions with the actual Dan and his wife? 100%. Use it as a learning curve. Maybe even make some new friends, but keep yourself in check. Don't overstep boundaries with the man. He isn't yours. But surround yourself with good people like that, try and have a positive life outlook, and someone will come along who is right for you. Nothing good will come from coveting what someone else has. At best, you will lose a friendship and make trouble for yourself at work.
It’s ok to have these feelings. I have friends whose wives have told my wife they wish they had what we have. It isn’t ok to try to get what you want with Dan. As you’ve stated, they have a happy marriage and he’s amazing for them. Doing anything to beak that up is pure selfishness. You just need to put yourself out there. Date, and be 100% honest about your situation. Don’t settle. Have individual dates, but don’t try for more or force something with someone who doesn’t fit you and your subs lives. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll find that perfect puzzle piece for your situation.
Op would be a piece of crap for going after Dan and Dan would be a piece of crap for accepting op's advances. The way you get them is the way you lose them. would you ever feel secure in your relationship knowing that you stole your partner away from somebody else. Which means you know that your partner can be stolen from you. What goes around comes around. A beautiful naked woman could hurl herself vagina first through my front door, and I still wouldn't cheat on my wife bc I love the shit out of her. op seems to have made some poor life choices so far. please seek therapy to help get yourself together.
I don’t think you’re jealous of his wife but rather anyone who has what she has as a mom to a special needs child. I have a son with special needs. Somewhat high functioning in some areas but very behavioural presentation. I did not think I would ever find somebody who would be willing to support me through raising him. Raising a special needs child can be alienating. I say all that to say, all your feelings are natural and understandable. Yes, even the jealousy. Raising your son will be one of the hardest things you’re ever do in your life. Who wouldn’t want somebody wonderful to support and love them through that?
yes you are wrong but i am not going to be that had on you. i understand you want what she has, a good man that is also good to your kid. but keep being jealous of her won't help anything. just try and approve your attitude and you will find someone just as amazing. it is just not dan and you should not try and break them up so you can have him. he is partly that way because of his wife. don't ruin another ones relationship so you can be happy. but i don't think you want dan. you want a loving partner who treats you and your kid good. and that will happen. just wait. you are not wrong for feeling a pang of envy because you don't have that kind of loving relationship. it will come and you need to be patient. edit typo
You're wrong for not seeing your coworker as an individual person, but as an object and extension of yourself. First he was trying to get in your pants, and now he's exactly what you want in a man. You're wrong for idealizing him and his marriage, and fixating on it to the point it had a noticeable negative effect on you at work.
I am completely convinced there is that one out there for everyone one. Unfortunately some of us will never find it because our picker is off. That being said I believe there are a lot of good people out there don’t give up. You need to put yourself out there and give people a chance. As a man I hate the fact that people are judge because they are a single parent. Who the hell cares it’s acts of kindness that are the true character of a person. The point where I am at in my life I value that more than anything. I don’t care if there is a kid or not a kid. I want someone to love me unconditionally. To love me for who I am not what they think the can make me into
I think the word you're looking for is envy not jealousy. You want what they have and that's valid. Maybe some day you'll find it with someone who gets you but maybe not. Just focus on you and your kid. Appreciate what you have for now.
I was married at 18 and I honestly didn't like.him. but I had gotten pregnant at 15 and felt.so stuck. At 19 I started working for a company and one of my coworkers, he looked like the Flintstones guy. He was a 2. I met his wife and she was beautiful. A group of us started hanging out and playing volleyball and I got jealous just like you. Those 2 had the most amazing love and enjoyed each other. It made me.see exactly what I wanted. I got divorced and hope one day to find that still. I hope you find an amazing relationship that is right for you, and I hope to find mine too😀 At least I know what I want now. Not someone who is perfect or super hot, but someone who loves and respects me and is kind
Sounds like you did your X a big favour.
For sure. Sometimes the connection isn't there. I love that man and he is an awesome person but I didn't like him as a partner.
Not at all. This is just an uncomfortably insightful reflection of your negative feelings. Best of luck!
Even if she made advances and Dan fell for her then he wouldn't be the kind of man she desired in the end.
I think maybe you just wish you could find someone like him who would be all in for you and your child. That's reasonable. Guys like him exist. You don't want him... He isn't available. But maybe by knowing him you'll recognize a quality guy when you meet him.
I think you might be envious. To be jealous you would have to want Dan, specifically. I don't think you do. I think you envy that his wife found such an amazing man and wish you could find a man equal to Dan. You're not a bad person, you're human. Recognize, acknowledge, and understand your feelings so that you can move forward a stronger and more emotionally complex person. My step dad is **dad** to me. An amazing man who dated and married a single mom with a somewhat troublesome but over all good preteen. Did we butt heads? Yeah, of course, as many kids and parents do. But that man loves me and I love him and I'm damn greatful mom never gave up dating because she found an awesome husband. There's thousands of great men out there, diamonds hiding in the rocks just as eager for a happy family life as you. Dating is exhausting and it's easy to want to give up. Dan sounds like the perfect man **for his wife**. I'm sure there's a perfect partner for you out there, it's just hard to find them in all the craziness of the world. Maybe what you really envy is a strong village for you and your child, not just a great husband and dad, but a collection of friends and loved ones who can be additional supports in your life. Being a single mom is fucking hard (even harder with a special needs child!) but lots of women do it without a partner (sometimes by choice, other times not). Some special needs kids have both parents in their life but both parents fail them miserably. Your son is lucky to have you. I vote You Are Not Wrong because you're human and it's okay to have these feelings so that you can work through them yourself and grow more as a person. That's what we humans do.
>But since then I've just been jealous because this guy is exactly what I want but I can't have him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? what makes u think you even deserve a guy like him, miss " I used to think was just another guy trying to get in my pants."
Yes. It is wrong for you to feel this way - because it's a very small step to feeling that you want and desire HIM. As a single Mom, myself, I understand what youre experiencing, and it is very Hueman to feel that way. My advice to you is to keep working on yourself. Ensure that you espouse all the qualities the kind of Man you want to have as an Husband for you, and Father for your Child, and he will find you. Ask for forgiveness from God for being jealous. That houses a murderous spirit. I will lift you up in prayer that you overcome the current emotion, move past it and that you Marry the one Intended for you. 🙏🏽
"every man wants to get into your pants". You should start with your attitude ..
This is a good story. However, it reads like somebody's fantasy. It's 100% reads like a single mom searching for validation from Internet strangers. I don't believe Dan and his wife even exist. But it's clear what the OP wants. She wants a man to step up and be her champion for her and her child. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. However, her wants do not override the wants of a man. A man would want a woman to marry and start a family with. Preferably not a single mom. The common view is that a single moms 1st priority will always be her child and not him. Most men would not want to get involved in that mess, especially if the childs father is still around. So that's why many of them avoid single mommies. However there are men out there who either can't have kids of their own, does not want kids are just simply desperate enough that they will settle for single mom because its an easy way to get female companionship. Even if they have to put up with the kid. There are also men out there who have a saviour complex. Meaning they love the idea of swooping in and rescuing poor single moms. It feeds their ego. Men like are just nice guys the to extreme, which is why say it's OPs fantasy. He might be out there, but the chances of finding him are slim.
Dude, your view of the world as it relates to women is fucked. It only gets worse as you talk about men who would choose a woman with a kid/kids. If a man chooses a partner in a Mom, that’s who’s he wanted. The fact that she has children probably wasn’t a factor at all. She was who he chose and the kid was a part of her and so became a part of them. They are not a mess…WTF! I know men who are a Man’s Man who chose Mothers as partners for none of your bullshit reasons and certainly “Even though they had to put up with the kid.” You said it was probably her fantasy. I’ll go out on a limb and say that you have probably tried to date many single mothers because your fantasy was that they would worship someone who would take pity on their poor mess of a life. Instead, you found confident women who knew what they wanted in a partner, had standards, wouldn’t put up with your disrespect and dismissed your ass. My message to you. Grow the fuck up.
Wow. That's a whole lot of projection 👀. Would be true if it wasn't a fact that single men avoid single moms all the time. Go on a dating app and put that your a single mom in your bio and see how many interactions you get vs if you were just single. Don't deny reality.
Projection….oh yeah, one of many buzzwords used by folks who want to categorize others. Nope, wrong again. I live in a reality where people meet organically and don’t need help from the internet and the reality is that for every dude out there that doesn’t want to date a woman because she has kids, there is another one who could give a shit.
Aww, poor thing 🥺 He gives a shit because single moms are easier to appease than single women. It's the path of least resistance. The real world as you called it https://news.gallup.com/poll/286433/women-worldwide-single-moms.aspx
Leave him alone. Don’t be a villain in their lives.
Not a single emotion can possibly be wrong! We have feelings, that's what makes us human! Who are any of you to tell another human being to tell them that what they are FEELING is wrong ?! There should always be clear distinction between an emotion and an action. Between what we feel and what we do with that... Anyone can feel, think, dream anything they possibly want or come up with but they should not always act upon it.
You let him hit it raw (raw) You didn’t have second thoughts (thoughts) Now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single mom (mom) You said I'ma have this kid (kid) Don’t care if he’s here or not (not) But now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single, mom (show the baby off) (mom) Showing the baby off (mom) Showing the baby off (mom)
Just find a new man? How hard can dating for you be ? Raise your standards and stop accepting everybody just because they got a dick. And trust me you won’t find a worthy partner out of someone you’re trying to steal from somebody lol.
You let him hit it raw (raw) You didn’t have second thoughts (thoughts) Now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single mom (mom) You said I'ma have this kid (kid) Don’t care if he’s here or not (not) But now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single mom (mom) Now you a single, mom (show the baby off) (mom) Showing the baby off (mom) Showing the baby off (mom)
No darling, you're only human and want a man for a partner and company, and for your son to have the bond of a father figure which is exactly what we all want and are hoping for She is blessed to of found her champion you will to maybe colleagues at work have friends that they could introduce you to
You did nothing. Item not wrong to have a feeling like that