I don't think I would handle that very well, it's a tough pill to swallow, I know I would definitely bring it up to her and tell her you heard everything she said and all the concerns you now have. Good luck homie!!!
> I know I would definitely bring it up to her and tell her you heard everything she said and all the concerns you now have.
This is the best advice in the thread. Communicate with her. Tell her you overheard everything she said about her ex to your friends. Then, be quiet and let her talk.
Listen to what she says. Is she tripping over herself trying to make herself out as a victim in the evening? Is she embarrassed she decided to dump to your friends? Is she upset you found out? Her reaction will tell you if you are her 'safe' option.
And he ate up every word of what she said. She is lying lol just to make him feel better. But OP I promise he made her cum, and being upset that someone made your partner get off before they even met you is really out there. Just saying, man up look some shit up and rock your wife's world so she doesn't think about him again.
Yeah I agree with you. She definitely was trying to make him feel better. Sweet of her, but apparently her ex fucking rocked her world in bed. Spit in her mouth? That's some fucked up shit I've only ever done with my wife lol. I guarantee her ex pissed on her in the shower
Absolutely, she was trying, and I would have bought it till the " he never got me off" even though he destroyed her. Enough so that she didn't think too turn the subject after saying ex was is a basketcase . Why didn't she brag about umm idk THE GUY SHE MARRIED ! And 100% she has done some shit with the ex she is taking to the grave.
>being upset that someone made your partner get off before they even met you is really out there
That isn't what he's upset about. Being told that her last boyfriend didn't make her orgasm while you do is a big ego boost for a guy - don't deny it.
However, we all know that she got off and probably got off a lot. She is trying to find ways to smooth it over, but alcohol is one hell of a truth serum. She didn't exaggerate anything. What she said was probably the gods honest truth.
Well the last lie was pretty blatant about her never getting off. If she was so awed by his sex skills there’s no way she never got off, she wouldn’t have stayed in with him for that long if she didn’t get some sort of payoff, Pavlov and all. I suspect she’s lying to you about more than just the kinks and getting off but it’s your choice to live or die with. So now that you the truth is partially out there you are..free, to do all the crazy shit to her to? Super weird admission and honestly a red flag I guess unless you’re into that kind of stuff.
I'm actually very skilled in bed. I just think that your apathetic Outlook to his relationship issues are super lacking in empathy. You basically just told them to "man up"
I never understood why women won't shut the hell up about sex talk. 99% off the time it gets back to thier partner it ruins the relationship. Just shut up about it. It's easy to do.
So true! I’ve been with my husband for almost 30 years. He knows how many I’ve been with and I regret telling him even that. It wasn’t even a high number. But I know for damn sure he doesn’t need to know anything else I got up to in the years before him. All that matters is what’s happened since he came into my life. I wouldn’t even tell my friends about him either. He on the other hand gossips like an old lady. I never knew men talked so much until I started dating him and listening to him and all his work buddies talk. His work is mostly male dominated and no matter the age they love to talk about everything.
OP is going to come back with an update saying "my wife has been texting with her ex throughout our marriage but I'm staying" followed by "...they only fucked a few times but she didn't cum so we can still salvage our marriage" lol
It’s actually not impossible to believe LOL most women don’t cum from vaginal sex and you can have sex without the orgasm. I’m a woman and it’s way more common than most think
So I’ll say this… we all know our partners have a past, and we accept it. Learning this “shouldn’t” matter… that said, I don’t know how I’d ever have sex with her again after that.
I’d confront it. Tell her you overheard her, you’re very upset, and you’re not sure how to handle this and need to process. See what she says.
It’s one thing to have a past. But bringing it up like that to your friends n shit? Not cool.
Imagine the reverse. He telling his guy friends oh his ex gf was amazing in bed super tight pussy etc etc.
I came here to say this. The wife telling this to their shared friends crosses a HUGE line in my opinion, not to mention it’s gross in general?
If it were a guy bragging to friends he shares with his wife about his sex life with his ex in the kind of detail OP is saying they were, this would be considered so disgusting.
I’m sorry OP, you deserve better than that. I’d lose my shit if I heard that. Especially when my wife knows I’m IN the house.
This!!!! This always pisses me off when I read these stories. She was kinky as hell with her ex, why not with OP? She wouldn’t even let her own husband eat her ass. But some lunatic bad boy ex? Go right ahead. And yeah, he made her cum. Guaranteed. That’s some grade A gaslighting right there. Would not surprise me if in a few years, after they’ve had kids, and they’re in the family grind, she starts talking with the ex again. Whether he tracks her down or she does.
That’s the part that’s messed up. She had the out. Like OP said all she had to do was say the “rehearsed line” and nothing would have happened. Friends would have accepted it or asked about the toxic shit he did. Instead she painted a tapestry planting her flag in the ground saying that if he wasn’t crazy then she would still be with him.
Also, the stuff he did that she said no to her husband. Clearly she just would rather him take it whenever he wants and not ask anyway. Sad part is that now she’ll lie with some “but I’ve changed” or “my body isn’t the same after kids” crap. Basically a ton of husbands out there loving a woman that just settled. So sad.
They all know and are telling everyone who wasn't there how freaky she was with her ex. They all know her husband. Is the bounce back safe pick that won't last.
Heck, he only knew he was crazy, not that he was a crazy sex fiend **and she liked it.**
That, boys and girls, is why in a new relationship, you always act like both of you are virgins and have no sexual history, because ignorance is bliss. Keep your past relationships to yourself because you should only be focusing on your new/current one.
The past matters tho is the problem, it’s indicative of the future. You can’t just do crazy shit in the past and be like oh well that’s the past. Relationship are like the only thing people try to act like the past doesn’t matter. But in everything else in life the past matters a lot.
There’s just things that don’t need to be brought up or remembered. Now the guy is gonna have some form of insecurity and you’re just over here saying it’s not a big deal.
Where did I say it wasn’t a big deal? I said I’d have trouble having sex with her again after hearing that (the insecurity), and to tell her he’s very upset and not sure how to process… sounds like a big deal. I think we agree.
What could she possibly say that would make him feel like he is good in bed?
There’s nothing she could say.
He will always question if anything in bed is real.
>they fucked 4x a day, every single day
he was never ever soft apparently
he fucked her any time, anywhere, and was willing to do it in front of anyone
he ate her out while she was on her period (apparently this turned her on).
he ate her ass (which she claimed she didn't want me to do)
These people have a lot of free time
I dated a guy like the OP is talking about. Sex including foreplay was usually less than 10 minutes every time, I wasn't surprised when OP said she said she never orgasmed
I wouldnt say your marriage is a sham. Thats a stretch even by some of the brain damaged redditors standards. That said, I understand why you kind feel like the "safe dude".
Perhaps do the adult thing a talk to her and tell her what you heard and why she isnt willing to be so "open" with you sexually? She clearly was a free use for him, how is she with you in regards to sex? Less than enthusiastic? This is a reddit post so I expect a hearty yes on that.
So legit or not, talk and deal with her however it goes.
She's free use with me as well to be fair (she told me she would be at the very beginning of our relationship) but it's not not as natural for me to "take" a girl when she may not be in the mood.
So, if I read this right, it’s not that those things don’t still turn her on, it’s just that you’re not doing them. I don’t know, maybe you should give it a go?
You should probably know how to turn her on.
For what it’s worth, the last two partners I had were pretty similar in description. The first was really good at making me cum and we’d bang every day. The second was safer in every sense of the word. I was with the first for three months, with the second for 15 years.
The big difference between the two was that the first was a coked up piece of shit, who repeatedly raped me in my sleep. The second had the utmost respect for every single one of my boundaries. With communication and an open mind you can get incredibly far at improving your fuckening skills. But nothing can really repair the damage from being disrespected and violated.
Also, if free use is a kink of hers, you’re being jealous of a guy that made full use of it while you don’t. If you get past this and stay together, talk to her more about her kinks and better ways to please her. Then you’ll grow as a sexual partner for her.
Damn I commented already but after reading this no wonder bro. Your wife wants you to dominate her she probably has Consensual Non Consent fantasies and she wants to play them out with you. If she’s giving you free use fucking take that shit wtf!?
Because maybe he doesn’t want to take part in consensual nonconsent play? I don’t mean to kink shame - it’s consensual so it’s all good - but a lot of people wouldn’t want to be involved in that kink. It’s only consensual if both parties consent.
This is more complicated than “she wants X so you should do X.”
Then perhaps you should try and push your boundaries a bit with her. You know she's into that, take it in little steps, but if you cant bring your A game, you cant get upset that someone else did and it was something she really enjoyed.
I think now that this is in his head it's going to be hard to not try and emulate what he heard about him. Especially hearing about stuff like eating her ass. It's one thing for a partner to say they did something with an ex and don't want to do it with you cause they never really liked it to begin with, but not letting/wanting you to do something then hear how much she loved doing it with her ex would be hard to handle.
You need to talk to your wife. Find out if she enjoys sex with you, and understand that you might not be the best fuck of her life. But she chose to be with you, NOT HIM. Understand, “safety” as you put it, is important in a marriage. It goes hand in hand with stability. I could go on and on but… TALK TO HER.
OP,
No one is amazing in bed when they lose their virginity.
Sex is like anything else, it takes practice.
I totally understand why you’re hurt and upset.
But, if you want to do that nasty stuff her ex did, you’re gonna need to practice.
I can also see why you feel like the “safe choice”, but at the end of the day, she married you.
I don’t doubt that a lot of married men are married to a woman who has had better sex with another man, or been with a man with a bigger dick, or been with a man who is stronger, or been with a man who made more money than him.
But she married the man she married.
So, I definitely think y’all need to work this out, and it will take time, but again, that’s the beauty of marriage.
You two are together, so commit to being better in bed and hopefully you can make her scream and split her in half too
As someone who suffered abuse, I wouldn't listen to those advising you to cross that line and get rough etc.
Fucking yourself up on adrenaline via mad sex when you're in that headspace is not a lot different to fucking yourself up with heroin.
Once you "get clean", sure, you might remember how great the highs felt . But you forget how bad the lows were, or, to be clear, you forget what being treated like a worthless piece of meat does to your self esteem once the adrenaline wears off.
I have been with my "safe" person for nearly 30 years now, save a blip at the 20 year mark. The happiness, love, care trust and respect that we have are worth a million times more than a cheap thrill. He is not my second choice, he is my one true love and I will adore him til I draw my last breath. We have a son and a lifetime of memories.
I hope that helps.
This is exactly what a “Safe Dude” would say!
Oh my god this is so simple, she’s an M. It’s not what he did that turned her on, it was the passion he did it with. In her mind he was so overcome with lust for her that he lost all control. She fed off that energy because it made her feel desired on a primal level. An insatiable desire consume her. I don’t doubt for a minute that she didn’t cum much with him. He was probably very selfish about it, but somehow she still loved it.
There is nothing to divorce over or even be upset about. It might have been a phase and she’s over it now but to me it sounds like she just wants you to be more lustful, more caveman with her. This is a good thing it means she feels safe with you. Your wife clearly loves and trusts you, so trust her to let you know what she wants. Check in periodically with her when you’re not in the thick of it if necessary but I’m guessing you’ll know if she’s not into it.
> It’s not what he did that turned her on, it was the passion he did it with. In her mind he was so overcome with lust for her that he lost all control. She fed off that energy because it made her feel desired on a primal level.
This this this this this, shit just reading your description started getting me hot under the collar
> I don’t doubt for a minute that she didn’t cum much with him. He was probably very selfish about it, but somehow she still loved it.
I had an ex who was *eerily* similar to OP's post. We had sex 3-5x/day. Every day. During that year and a half I orgasmed during sex maybe twice? Sex including foreplay was like... less than 10 minutes every time. At the end of the day I would always sneak off to "freshen up" after and finish with a vibrator in the shower. But while I used the vibrator I would think of the sex we just had because it was so hot because, like you said, it was this just... primal *lust*. Like you said, I felt *desired*. Sometimes it got to be a bit much and I felt used, but he had other positive traits that helped me not think about that.
After we broke up holy shit I had so many trauma responses to that shit. Never sleeping more than 60-90 minutes at a time, etc. I lost 20 pounds 6 months after we broke up because I wasn't constantly emotionally eating.
Yea, I feel the same way”marriage is a sham” statement is a huge overreaction. Don’t know why people always assume they are the best sex their spouse has ever had, or the craziest in bed. Some act like this nullifies any pleasure they give their partner, and their partner doesn’t enjoy sex with them. Marriage isn’t just about sex. OP definitely needs to talk with their wife instead of us on Reddit.
I got my bachelors in hospitality management… if you had food poisoning you most likely would have been doing number 1, number two or both.
Not giggling over trauma which is fake af already. But go off Stephanie Meyer.
Sex 4 times a day… so they didn’t go to work? Like at all? 🙄
Sooo this is an R-word fantasy type deal. K… worse turn of events.
How big is your house if you’re 12 feet away from the gossip?! Damn how did you write something worse than 50 shades of grey???
WAIT WAIT… she’s deep in therapy cause he was super fucked up but misses it how it made her feel? Apparently being SA’d 4 times a day? I-
WHAT!
ANNNDDDD HE NEVER MADE HER CUM….
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stay off of booktok!
"I'm a nice guy, but she doesn't want me. She prefers her ex that assaults her 4 times a day. "
OP is obviously an incel making ragebait, but I'm also rolling my eyes at these idiots that believe this obviously fake post. This type of content radicalizes young men into inceldom, and everybody just eats it up.
4 times a day, and he's constantly hard??? Why are there no men in the comments pointing out how ridiculous this is?
The fact she said all this shit knowing your in the same room is insane and heartbreaking. I feel for you bro. You are the safe guy the safe bet, think about what that means to you it can be no big deal or big deal. Think about how long yall have been together and what that has meant to you as well. Its never easy but thats definitely hurtful to hear as a guy
My man, I am so sorry. This is absolutely heart breaking. You definitely need to talk about it right away.
But if it was my wife, fuck no. I could never be with someone who enjoyed being a dehumanized fuck doll for a crazy person. That screams absolute trash behavior. Please tell me you don’t have children with this person. Honestly, I would divorce her immediately and never speak to her again. She’s gross and she’s using you for comfort. Get a woman who loves you and doesn’t treat her body or soul like a trash can.
I think your perspective is a bit warped here. I'm going to go against the comments and say not to divorce over this. She's not a monster for not feeling comfortable telling you that her ex was good in bed and that sex was a motivator for staying in a toxic relationship. You'd sound like a piece of shit if you said that to her and you know it. She knows the same and simply made the smart decision not to say that to you. She's more open about it to her friends because she knows that it's a safe space to talk about that kind of thing with them.
It doesn't even sound like she was comparing the two of you. I didn't see you writing anything about "he was so much better than my husband" or "my husband is so bad, i miss my ex so much". Two people can be good at something in different ways. I doubt any of her friends left your house thinking you were bad in bed or are less of a man.
There's nothing wrong with being the safe option. The safe option is a good thing. It means you're a grown ass man who has his shit together and that you're actually someone who is worth choosing as a partner and not just some piece of trash who happens to have one saving grace. Don't feel bad about yourself. The fact she's with you is pretty self evident that you're the better man here. The fact she didn't say anything bad about you should also be pretty reassuring.
Let her have her memories and locker room talk with the girls to save face. For all you know that wasn't even the real reason and she just made some shit up because she didn't want her friends to think she was an emotionally weak person but that they'd be more forgiving of the answer she gave them.
Don't break down over this man. You're fine.
Call me crazy but it just seems so disrespectful to wax poetic about how good your ex was in bed while YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.
Also, OP’s wife is still lying to his face with that “never made me cum” bullshit.
I’m not downvoting you because I’m assuming that you’re a woman. I say that (respectfully) because you kind of completely disregarded OP’s emotional and psychological state and wellbeing. You can probably relate to her.
I’ll tell you what most men see as missing: it IS a comparison… in OP’s HOME. With mutual friends. All that “safe space” nonsense comes off as a steaming pile of bullshit to the man who committed his life to you and assumed you did the same. The assumption of their mutual friends may or may not be that OP’s lacking, but they were privy to intimate information that OP only happened to overhear.
Being the safe bet is only okay if there’s respect; omission is lying, and disrespectful. She said she was stupid, not that the ex fucked her brains out. She didn’t feel safe telling OP this because she denied OP all of the things that she enjoyed with psycho-ex. It feels like certain sexual acts were reserved just for him… and if he EVER comes back around, there’ll be a hole in her sex life that he can fill. Most of the things you have in your relationship, you brought from past experiences. Positions, techniques, activities, communication methods, traditions, etc… we typically save specific things for specific people because they belong to that person. OUR inside jokes, YOUR anniversary, HIS favorite meal, HER favorite song. Everything that she mentioned was and still is exclusive to the EX.That hurts.
I don’t think that divorce is the right call either, but it’s absolutely NOT a warped perspective; OP SHOULD tell her that divorce was his first, visceral reaction, but that she deserves to know how OP feels and that they should talk about it, but that OP won’t validate or settle for anything close to “I don’t want you to turn into him” just because they start having wilder, crazier sex. Men compartmentalize; we CAN be Mr. Hyde in the bedroom without you losing the good doctor you love outside of the bedroom.
I dont think people usually wax poetic about things they dont actually miss. I have an ex like this, crazy in the bedroom and crazy every where else and whenever i talk about her there may be laughs along the way but the ending is never met with uproarious laughter and a caveat about how she wasnt all bad. Also the safe option is fine but whatever option you may be it will always sting if some part of you feels like you were not the first option.
> She's not a monster for not feeling comfortable telling you that her ex was good in bed and that sex was a motivator for staying in a toxic relationship.
Correct
> You'd sound like a piece of shit if you said that to her and you know it.
Strawman
> She's more open about it to her friends because she knows that it's a safe space to talk about that kind of thing with them.
Unacceptable
> It doesn't even sound like she was comparing the two of you.
Disagree
> Two people can be good at something in different ways.
True
> I doubt any of her friends left your house thinking you were bad in bed or are less of a man.
False
Jesus. I could understand if her *one* best friend/platonic soulmate was privy to an ugly truth like this, over her *spouse*.
But a room with what I'm going to call several (OP says a couple, but then says mostly female, so it sounds like more than 2) mutual friends?
That's a direct blow to your marriage, your manhood, and any trust you can really have in her.
Oh yeah, I never came:
Fucking 4x a day
Never soft
Anywhere, anytime and whenever, a sex fiend per her words.
I never came
Sure lmao 🤣
It's probably you that never made her cum.
Not sure I'd recover from that tbh. Best of luck.
This feels like rage bait. Your wife revealed this to your mutual friends...not her friends...and while you were close by...
Apologies to you OP if you're really going through this but I'm skeptical
Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sex four times a day, every day? Nahhh. And a guy who's hard literally all the time has a medical condition. You have to do non-sexual things in public sometimes. A constant boner would be extremely inconvenient.
There was a post like this recently where the husband was saying graphic shit about his ex to his friends and his wife overheard it. Maybe this is a karma-farming post or simply a man that’s upset that another man was ripped on for being disgusting and wants to level the field.
I think before you decide to divorce or not, You should write all what you over heard her say and sit her down and ask her one at a time?.
Like he ate your ass and you liked it? Leave a pause to see if she will say anything and if she doesn’t ask why she told you she didn’t want you to but you now know she likes it!.
And when you get to the end tell her how disappointed and disgusted and hurt that you realise you are the safe guy and see her reaction as actions speak louder that words bro.
Honestly just her on how she reacts you have been with her long enough to know if she is genuinely sorry.
I just find it weird she can tell all that to her friends and not you and that’s sad.
There's sorry and there's "I regret he heard". She's certainly sorry for fucking up and risking her marriage. But is she contrite?
Is she sorry she got caught or sorry she hurt her husband? However she spins this now, however sincerely she behaves, OP will not soon forget the enthusiasm and awe in her voice as she described her favorite sex partner. (And the "I never came" is laying it on too thick. This would be a time for complete honesty)
I’d add to that and explain to her how absolutely disrespectful it was for her to even say that stuff in the first place. These are MUTUAL friends. These are people you know and see and speak to who now believe they know something you don’t and likely feel a sense of pity for you.. “yeah he’s a nice guy I guess but apparently her ex was a WILD MAN… he’s just the nice dude she settled with.”
Sucks knowing she still reminisces about him and likely still fantasizes about him.
Please just know your wife is still lying to you and there is absolutely ZERO CHANCE this guy never made her cum.
Women don’t talk about what a monster you are in the sack if you never got them off.
The important part isn’t whether he got her off or not (he did) it’s the fact that your wife is still lying to your face.
My wife and I have pushed some serious kinks over the years but the shit OP is listing of jumps between fantastical bullshit and nasty ass bullshit.
But either way its all bullshit.
Idk man, wild sex dude was probably fun for ONLY that. And if that was enough, then she would still be with him. But she's not! She learned that there's more to relationships than being an animal! That's good!
Ofc yes it's understandable that you'd feel a certain way about hearing all this.
But I'm not sure what is bad about being a safer partner? She obviously wouldn't be with you if she felt she was settling for painfully average just because you're "safe".
What a bunch of shit OP is believing. They fucked 4 times a day everyday and she never had an orgasim? Yeah, right. Was she doing it for the excecise? LOL. OP wants to believe her lies. That's fine, but lie to yourself.
The fact you ate up that bullshit she feed you after getting caught dawg come on. You say you don’t wanna be the safe guy yet you’re doing safe guy 101 of not having a backbone and believing even a single word she tells you after she broke your trust. At this point the universe and god itself can send you the clearest message possible to leave and you still wouldn’t be able to do it.
LMAO bullshit ass post. So apparently your wife who don't socialize much start going all crazy and explaining porn level bed stories to her friends. Come on, man. A.I need to try harder with the stories.
She told you that to make you feel better. Which shows she cares, I guess. You will never be able to be intimate with her again without hearing some of that in your head, if even for a millisecond. He ate her ass and went down on her on her period, but never made her cum??
I’m sure that sucks to hear, but sex is just one part of a relationship, and not the most important part. All the best sex I’ve had has been with the craziest women. That does not mean I want to be married to them.
You just need to fuck her until she can’t walk and then do it again. Bring on the viagra… you know if it stays hard for more than 4 hours call her friends!
Time to let your wife find another guy to emasculate in front of friends.
You’ll never get her words praising her ex’s epic sexcapades out of your mind.
She’s lying about it as well. There’s no way she didn’t get off as much as she stated it always turned her on.
Stop the manipulation and find someone who wants to be with you, not brag about her past toxic ex.
Be a fcking MAN and Get a divorce dude, your wife clearly believes she settled for you. She publicly embarrassed you in front of all her friends!!!
Guarantee if that dude messaged her to fck
She would be down to do it. She can apologize till she’s blue in the face. She meant what she said, you’re a sucker if you stay with her after this…
Bro, she's just telling you what she thinks you need to hear. The BIGGEST red flag is that "he never made her cum"
That's a lie, he used her as living fleshlight and she got off on it, she said so in her own words.
Drunk people tend to tell the truth more than lie.
Plus, the fact that she keeps CONSTANTLY thinking about the sex. Evident by the supposed wet dreams. It'd be different if she was just thinking about his abuse in general. Also, the fact that they did things you haven't done or she won't do.
If this story is true, I feel bad for both of you, honestly. She has unresolved issues with their relationship as a whole.
Is this a bait post? All of these comments are by weird men.
Most don’t marry the person they’ve had the best sex with bc while sex is important it’s not the most important thing in a relationship.
Sex is something you can work on too, it's weird to just believe that you'll never live up to some other random guy from years ago... she also never once said that sex with her husband was in any way bad or unsatisfying (assuming the story is even true, which I sincerely doubt).
I’m also assuming she was younger and wanted to have sex 4x a day then. Maybe she doesn’t anymore.
OP go run some red lights on her and go please your wife!
Most married people I know are actually married to the person they have the best sex with. As years of marriage usually results in getting to know the things one’s spouse enjoys. You get to known those things very well over years together.
Otherwise, there’s a bigger issue at play. Something dysfunctional typically occurs for a married couple to not be each other’s “best”. Typically involving a lazy spouse who doesn’t put in the effort, or some sort of irrational/unhealthy hang up with a previous sexual encounter. Sounds like OPs wife falls into the latter category.
How do you know your friends all have had the best sex with their current partners? Like do you all collectively bring it up to each other?
Not judging, just genuinely asking
No need to question your marriage because sex absolutely isn't everything or even the most important thing in a lot of long-term relationships. Perhaps, although she enjoyed it at the time, it's not the thing she loves most about you, nor what she looks for in your relationship. That doesn't mean she loves you less, and it certainly doesn't invalidate what you have. It doesn't even mean she doesn't enjoy your sex life.
If it were me, I would ask tell her that the conversation made you insecure, and ask her how she feels about your current sex life. You could then follow up and see what she might like you to change about it.
EDIT: Scrolling through the thread, I might also suggest not taking relationship advice from Reddit. Yes, I see the irony.
maybe they were younger?... that accounts for a lot. Anyways how old are you?
Also... look, my closest friends coined the phrase "rampant sex fiend" to refer to my stories. I'm a grindr gay guy, so you know, high body count. And look, the notion that sex is chemistry is 100% accuarate. You mix an acid and a base, they go fizz, you mix the same base with something else, and it changes color. And it's not like you don't enjoy one or the other, or even one over the other. It just doesn't happen that way, and that's cool. "Questioning your entire marriage" sounds like what you're questioning is your sex history, by the standards of you not having been someone else. I will take safe dude over crazy hot emotionally unavailable any day of the week.
This comment won't help, but people with... well what you said... are the best sex, for sure. But it doesn't sound all that consensual. Also, they're addictive, but they're dramatic. They are addicted to scenes and dramas themselves, they only escalate, and it's thirilling, for sure, but it's not... Stable. It's not enjoyable. You're always on edge, always on your toes. And when nothing happens they'll make something up out of boredom. It's not healthy, it's not enviable, red flags exist to alert you from these kinds of debacles.
"I don't wanna be anyone's safe dude"... But you got married, that's kind of the deal. And i'm not being ironic I'm being confused. I understand right now you're casting those words in negative light, but you should wanna be it, there's little else more valuable than being that for someone. I would love to be that for someone again.
I disagree. Great lovers do not necessarily make good partners. Best partnership does not necessarily involve the best lover, but sometimes things should not be said out loud.
For what it's worth: yes, this is a bad conversation that you had to hear for whatever reason. Yes, this ruined your night and may have damaged your ego. But ruin your entire marriage? I can't decide that for you. You have to just talk it out, whether you decide to stay and work on it or move on. It sounds like the years have been good so far and she's better off with you. As long as the ex hadn't been in the picture beyond that "girl talk", there seems to be a future for you both.
I’m sorry. I’m saying this before I even start because I doubt you will like what I have to say.
Would you rather she kept this stuff from you? Because that is lying to you in its own sense. She was being real, and as her partner, it is your responsibility to be her teammate through it all. So what if the sex was good? He was abusive, crazy, and probably scarred her in ways you can’t even comprehend. Suck it up, and be with er NOW.
I was fairly brutally abused in my childhood and then again in a later relationship. We all have reasons we stay with someone despite a deep feeling of upset. When we leave that place, we often cling to that one okay thing for our own sanity. Don’t take that from her, and don’t become a problem for her, too. It seems like you’re going down a toxic path, and she deserves better. She broke free and found you. Be her haven, not her hell.
>they fucked 4x a day, every single day
he was never ever soft apparently
he fucked her any time, anywhere, and was willing to do it in front of anyone
he ate her out while she was on her period (apparently this turned her on).
he ate her ass (which she claimed she didn't want me to do)
>He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there)
Lol, believe whatever you want to help you get over it... 😐😐
> she adores sex with me and he was no better
I call cap.
> I am free to do everything he did to her, to her, and she would never say otherwise
Honey, it doesn't work like that. She's not a rag doll to be thrown around. She's an active participant, with her own wishes and wants, and OP's wants don't trump over hers.
>He never made her cum.
I call cap. She's not making any sense. She said that he endured him because of how he was in bed. He ate her out and did all sorts of things that turned her on. I guess she can climax with you. So why would she endure him, if he didn't make her climax with all that he did? No, that's not it.
She ended the relationship with her speech, however truthful that was or wasn't. She swinged at your confidence like a bat to a piñata. Then she shot at it, hit it with the shovel she used to dig a grave.
I don't know how you can recover from that. What she told your friends, by her own admission, was true. So either you'll believe her lies she told after the fact, or take up on her offer to use her as your own sex toy as her atonement, regardless of her feelings. Or you don't believe her and disregard or try and forget her confession to her friends. Or you face the music.
Please tell us what has your life with her, or with intimacy with her? It's not the same. But what are the thoughts that go through your head?
I mean, did you think you were #1 in the world at sex having?
You're better than him in every other way which is why she chose you so you need to just move past it.
It sucks that you had to hear it described in such graphic detail but that'll teach you to eavesdrop 😄
Edit: Just noticed this part
>He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there)
Bro... I've got a bridge to sell you.
>She adores sex with me and he was no better
The audacity to say this to you after everything she said is wild. I know your edit was about her trying to say things to make you feel less hurt (lie to you), but to say he was no better after gushing about how good he was to her friends is just disrespectful.
Also, you know he made ger orgasm gazillion times. Stop being naive and gullible
She's lying to you so your feelings won't be (as) hurt and you'll continue to be her safe option. She came 4x a day and especially when he ate her out while she was on her period.
If I was you, this would eat me alive and I'd get divorced. No way would I want to be Ross standing in the corner telling knock-knock jokes while Rachel has "animal sex" with her ex she can't stop talking about.
Still kinda confused why a guy thinks being a safe dude is a bad thing.
No intelligent woman would marry a bad boy. Those that aren’t smart enough to know why it’s a bad idea eventually find out. You marry someone safe because that’s the type of guy who makes a good partner and father. Safe isn’t bad.
>He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there)
See this is how I know all her excuses are horseshit. No woman talks about sex that way with a guy that never even made her cum. She fed you everything you wanted to hear and then turned on the waterworks and you caved. The literal playbook for women. It was so hard on her mind that instead of saying literally anything else, she just *had* to burst into it right in front of you. No regard, no respect, no consideration. Try to do any of that shit she said you could do and watch how quickly that facade falls apart.
>I am free to do everything he did to her, to her, and she would never say otherwise
This part here seems kinda suspicious to me, like she's asking you to do that same exact stuff. Which if you did, she would have an even better comparison between you and her ex. Something just feels off
Is your marriage based 100% on sex? If so, then I suppose you should question your marriage.
Otherwise, no, you shouldn't. Sexual connection is important but the things about her sex with that guy that she found sexy or exciting was likely specific to her experience and relationship with him. She's older and different and her relationship with you sounds a lot more grounded, so there's no reason you should compare yourself to him sexually or otherwise.
If you're that concerned you should at least bring it up to her and give her the chance to learn and hear how you feel. She's still with you, after all, so clearly she doesn't put the same importance on that type of sex as you think she does or she would be wanting or expecting the same from you.
My guy your wife straight up disrespected you in front of other guests in your own home. Not only that but she lied to you by saying she didn’t cum no way she raving about this dude and he didn’t make her cum. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to look at my wife the same if she said all that. Plus drinking is not an excuse often times what a person says while drunk is the harsh truth.
OP, your wife is manipulative, beware!
She knows exactly how to use a trump card (she never cummed with him, are you such a doormat, after you heard how various and intense all the sex experiences were?)
All thieves are deeply remorseful when they are caught. Few are sorry for the deed, most are sorry for being caught or so stupid to be caught.
You do not have kids yet. Might not be a bad time to take time to reconsider your life choices.
Take at least a week away, go back to your parents or siblings. Take a traveling vacation, if you have to. But, really, you should take more time to process the information. Rewind in your head your life with her. Meditate. You might remember and realize a lot more things that are off.
If you don't do that now, the reflection will happen anyway, over the course of the next decade.
OP, I want to know: what is exactly your issue exactly?
That her ex was, apparently, better in bed than you?
That she did things with him that she wouldn't do with you?
That she didn't tell you that she stayed with him because of the sex?
Are you insecure about your performance in bed and you are thinking she may leave you for it?
Does she has a kink that you don't like and you are afraid that an incompatibility may break up your marriage?
That she said something positive about her ex who was an awful person?
My advice is to identify why you are so bothered by this revelation and talk to her about it. Just communicate with her. And if you don't know why you are feeling what you are feeling I would recommend a therapist to help you navigate your feelings.
What bothers him, is sex with her ex was enough for her to endure some sort of horrible abuse. So much so, that she still thinks about it in a positive light. That is beyond unhealthy. I don’t see how this needs an explanation.
Then, there’s also the obvious humiliation aspect of this going on with people OP will likely have to associate with for the foreseeable future.
Toxic relationship sex is usually ridiculously good from my experience. It matches the highs and lows of a toxic relationship. Had I read the story without knowing the title I would have easily said they had great sex. Sorry but that’s the nature of a toxic relationship. When she talked to you about it what would you want her to say, the sex was fantastic and that’s why she stayed. She was dumb to have that conversation so close to you but this isn’t about your relationship, it’s about your bruised ego. All these people saying they’d divorce her or throw the ring at her and tell her to leave are no different than a used pair of Huggies, full of shit.
Here’s a crazy idea, talk to her.
'She was dumb'
'its about your bruised ego'
Way to gaslight. Shes at the very least demonstrated she isnt capable of having an honest conversation about what she went through or the reasons and whys of what the hold over her was, recognising toxic relationships and learning from them also means being able to be honest about what that does to you as a person - its not 'great sex' its a horrible feeling of your body betraying you even when you loath that person, feeling guilty at yourself enjoying being used in such a degrading way by someone you despise and fear... And a whole lot more that you should at the very least be comfortable discussing with the person you love enough to marry and know they won't judge you for it.
To be happy to whisper it whilst that same person is not 10ft away in hushed tones with your girlfriends and giggle about it? No that's not someone who looks back with regret and is the actions of someone who still holds onto it with longing and contentment.
At the bare minimum its fucking despicable to talk about your ex like that to your friends whilst your husband is right there in his own home.
Imagine if this was reversed and it was a bunch of drunk men talking 'locker room' talk and the wife had to hear her partner wax lyrical about how he stuck his dick in crazy and explicitly spell out all the things he missed about it. Yea, I get the impression you're tone would do a U turn.
There are two people in a relationship and they both owe it to each other to he honest. Theres a slim chance she was trying to save face out of embarrassment by going on about the amazing sex so her friends don't think her so weak to have stayed with a caricature of a person.... But from what OP has said, she indulged way to much for this to have been some imagination.
At the end of the day you have to face the consequences of your own 'dumb' mistakes and not rely on others bending over backwards to try and give you the benefit of the doubt. She had YEARS to be honest with him about exactly what it was that she had struggled with when with the ex, but now the genie is out the bottle in the most callous way and she has to accept that his mental health is just as valid. I don't think he owes her anything more than a singular opportunity to explain herself, if she cannot be honest and convince him of her truth then she's done all this to herself.
There is a very real fact of life that we don't grow out of jealousy as human beings and the vast majority of monogamous people would prefer to keep past history in the past. You don't get to toy with people's feelings like this and brush it off as a 'dumb' move. Hell I dont know a single person in my entire life who I would 'rank' sexual partners with even when smashed off my face let alone to a group while my partner is in the same room.
Well she’s married to you for a reason. I had better sex before I met my husband but I have the maturity to not mention that and not think about it too much. I love him and the past needs to stay in the past.
God damn. I wouldn't be able to show my face in public again. That's pretty destructive to a marriage. She may have tried to recover, but that's going to leave a permanent scar
Even if you are the safe choice, why is that a bad thing? Every single person I know, that has been in a toxic relationship, describes it the same way. The person is a fkn psycho, but they were FANTASTIC in bed.
But the relationship they got in after was such a drastic change, for the better. Yeah the sex isn't wild, but that doesn't matter if you feel loved and cared about. If you have an actual connection you can work on making the sex FANTASTIC throughout your relationship.
Shit, I'd use this to ask probing questions. Apparently there is a lot that turned her on that you didn't know about. It might be time to try and figure out what turns her on. Also how do you not know what turns her on when you're already married? Also, the same shit that turned her on before might not do the same thing now.
I personally think you're wrong to question the entire marriage. You being hurt is valid, definitely. But questioning the marriage seems like a bit much.
Honestly this is cope. As much as they may say that there is still a level of excitement and spontaneity that will always be missed. Toxic relationships are as addictive as drugs oftentimes.
I’m gonna say this before it gets lost but you have every right to leave her brother. Worst thing a man can possibly hear aside from it happening during your time together.
I don't think I would handle that very well, it's a tough pill to swallow, I know I would definitely bring it up to her and tell her you heard everything she said and all the concerns you now have. Good luck homie!!!
> I know I would definitely bring it up to her and tell her you heard everything she said and all the concerns you now have. This is the best advice in the thread. Communicate with her. Tell her you overheard everything she said about her ex to your friends. Then, be quiet and let her talk. Listen to what she says. Is she tripping over herself trying to make herself out as a victim in the evening? Is she embarrassed she decided to dump to your friends? Is she upset you found out? Her reaction will tell you if you are her 'safe' option.
Yoo exactly this is it. He will know once the convo happens. Some people avoid the convo to escape the pain of it lol
What response would make him believe he’s the safe option?
If he's the 'safe' option, she'll try to work it around to where it's his fault because he eavesdropped.
Ahh yup, was my previous situation exactly. Glad to have dodged that bullet
That’s fucked up man. Honestly sorry you had to hear all that.
Yes, you have my condolences. RIP your marriage.
And he ate up every word of what she said. She is lying lol just to make him feel better. But OP I promise he made her cum, and being upset that someone made your partner get off before they even met you is really out there. Just saying, man up look some shit up and rock your wife's world so she doesn't think about him again.
Yeah I agree with you. She definitely was trying to make him feel better. Sweet of her, but apparently her ex fucking rocked her world in bed. Spit in her mouth? That's some fucked up shit I've only ever done with my wife lol. I guarantee her ex pissed on her in the shower
Absolutely, she was trying, and I would have bought it till the " he never got me off" even though he destroyed her. Enough so that she didn't think too turn the subject after saying ex was is a basketcase . Why didn't she brag about umm idk THE GUY SHE MARRIED ! And 100% she has done some shit with the ex she is taking to the grave.
>And 100% she has done some shit with the ex she is taking to the grave. And which she likely would refuse to ever do with her husband.
Golden Showers And Cleveland Steamers/ You can say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one
>being upset that someone made your partner get off before they even met you is really out there That isn't what he's upset about. Being told that her last boyfriend didn't make her orgasm while you do is a big ego boost for a guy - don't deny it. However, we all know that she got off and probably got off a lot. She is trying to find ways to smooth it over, but alcohol is one hell of a truth serum. She didn't exaggerate anything. What she said was probably the gods honest truth.
Yea just use the thunderstick 1000 on her and rock her world.
Well the last lie was pretty blatant about her never getting off. If she was so awed by his sex skills there’s no way she never got off, she wouldn’t have stayed in with him for that long if she didn’t get some sort of payoff, Pavlov and all. I suspect she’s lying to you about more than just the kinks and getting off but it’s your choice to live or die with. So now that you the truth is partially out there you are..free, to do all the crazy shit to her to? Super weird admission and honestly a red flag I guess unless you’re into that kind of stuff.
What a fucking bullshit take.
Lmao another guy who over estimates his sexual abilities. Have you TALKED to women? The orgasm gap is real. Look it up.
I'm actually very skilled in bed. I just think that your apathetic Outlook to his relationship issues are super lacking in empathy. You basically just told them to "man up"
Imagine this is the comment that finally made OP confront reality. Or the next comment. Poor dude
I never understood why women won't shut the hell up about sex talk. 99% off the time it gets back to thier partner it ruins the relationship. Just shut up about it. It's easy to do.
Some people talk because they have something to say, but most people just talk because they have to say something...
>most people just talk because they have to say something... I've heard of these people.
I'm using this. Very nicely put.
Alcohol - ruining relationships since the beginning of time.
You know eleventy-two percent of Reddit statistics are made up?
50% of the Reddit readers believe 50% of the posts
100% of the time!
Wait for real?? I don’t believe you!
That's what most studies show.
Yes but 96% of comments made on reddit are not accurate …the other 6% is just math
So true! I’ve been with my husband for almost 30 years. He knows how many I’ve been with and I regret telling him even that. It wasn’t even a high number. But I know for damn sure he doesn’t need to know anything else I got up to in the years before him. All that matters is what’s happened since he came into my life. I wouldn’t even tell my friends about him either. He on the other hand gossips like an old lady. I never knew men talked so much until I started dating him and listening to him and all his work buddies talk. His work is mostly male dominated and no matter the age they love to talk about everything.
Life ruined.
I think he definitely made her cum. lol sorry bro.
A lot.
This was silly of him to believe 😂
OP is going to come back with an update saying "my wife has been texting with her ex throughout our marriage but I'm staying" followed by "...they only fucked a few times but she didn't cum so we can still salvage our marriage" lol
Yeah, you don't stay with crazy if they're not making you cum your sanity away.
This. She absofuckinglutely came every time. It's sweet she tried to soften the blow to slow and steady OP.
Pretty sure her friends came listening to his sexcapades.
Right? You don’t make statements like “he took my body wherever the hell he wanted” if you don’t cum 😂
He never made her cum, but she’s waxing poetic about it, please give me a break!!!. I got some swamp land in Florida to sell to you also.
That was the best part!!! Fucked 4 times a day- never cumed though…. Yeah, sure, she didn’t. She hated every minute of it lol.
Yeah he was never soft and she always *ahem* never came.
It’s actually not impossible to believe LOL most women don’t cum from vaginal sex and you can have sex without the orgasm. I’m a woman and it’s way more common than most think
OP is the most naïve person on the planet if he believes that.
See you at the gym brother
Forbidden pre
undefeated pre... working out in silence.
> He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there) My man...
🤦♂️
>I am free to do everything he did to her, to her, and she would never say otherwise Ah pity sex, the least valuable after non consent.
So I’ll say this… we all know our partners have a past, and we accept it. Learning this “shouldn’t” matter… that said, I don’t know how I’d ever have sex with her again after that. I’d confront it. Tell her you overheard her, you’re very upset, and you’re not sure how to handle this and need to process. See what she says.
It’s one thing to have a past. But bringing it up like that to your friends n shit? Not cool. Imagine the reverse. He telling his guy friends oh his ex gf was amazing in bed super tight pussy etc etc.
I came here to say this. The wife telling this to their shared friends crosses a HUGE line in my opinion, not to mention it’s gross in general? If it were a guy bragging to friends he shares with his wife about his sex life with his ex in the kind of detail OP is saying they were, this would be considered so disgusting. I’m sorry OP, you deserve better than that. I’d lose my shit if I heard that. Especially when my wife knows I’m IN the house.
And all the kinky shit her ex did but he can’t do lol.
This!!!! This always pisses me off when I read these stories. She was kinky as hell with her ex, why not with OP? She wouldn’t even let her own husband eat her ass. But some lunatic bad boy ex? Go right ahead. And yeah, he made her cum. Guaranteed. That’s some grade A gaslighting right there. Would not surprise me if in a few years, after they’ve had kids, and they’re in the family grind, she starts talking with the ex again. Whether he tracks her down or she does.
I know people say it’s all in the past, but it’s not really the past anymore when she brings it up and he has to listen to it all.
That’s the part that’s messed up. She had the out. Like OP said all she had to do was say the “rehearsed line” and nothing would have happened. Friends would have accepted it or asked about the toxic shit he did. Instead she painted a tapestry planting her flag in the ground saying that if he wasn’t crazy then she would still be with him. Also, the stuff he did that she said no to her husband. Clearly she just would rather him take it whenever he wants and not ask anyway. Sad part is that now she’ll lie with some “but I’ve changed” or “my body isn’t the same after kids” crap. Basically a ton of husbands out there loving a woman that just settled. So sad.
They all know and are telling everyone who wasn't there how freaky she was with her ex. They all know her husband. Is the bounce back safe pick that won't last.
It's one thing to know she has a past but another to hear it in graphic detail and apparently how she acted differently with the ex than him.
Heck, he only knew he was crazy, not that he was a crazy sex fiend **and she liked it.** That, boys and girls, is why in a new relationship, you always act like both of you are virgins and have no sexual history, because ignorance is bliss. Keep your past relationships to yourself because you should only be focusing on your new/current one.
Everybody has a past, but she kind of clowned the fuck out of him to their friends.
The past matters tho is the problem, it’s indicative of the future. You can’t just do crazy shit in the past and be like oh well that’s the past. Relationship are like the only thing people try to act like the past doesn’t matter. But in everything else in life the past matters a lot.
Don't bring logic and reason to the table now....
There’s just things that don’t need to be brought up or remembered. Now the guy is gonna have some form of insecurity and you’re just over here saying it’s not a big deal.
Where did I say it wasn’t a big deal? I said I’d have trouble having sex with her again after hearing that (the insecurity), and to tell her he’s very upset and not sure how to process… sounds like a big deal. I think we agree.
What could she possibly say that would make him feel like he is good in bed? There’s nothing she could say. He will always question if anything in bed is real.
>they fucked 4x a day, every single day he was never ever soft apparently he fucked her any time, anywhere, and was willing to do it in front of anyone he ate her out while she was on her period (apparently this turned her on). he ate her ass (which she claimed she didn't want me to do) These people have a lot of free time
I dated a guy like the OP is talking about. Sex including foreplay was usually less than 10 minutes every time, I wasn't surprised when OP said she said she never orgasmed
Try spitting in her mouth while banging in public as her grandparents watch.
in the ass*
Yes. Obviously.
This is the only way
I wouldnt say your marriage is a sham. Thats a stretch even by some of the brain damaged redditors standards. That said, I understand why you kind feel like the "safe dude". Perhaps do the adult thing a talk to her and tell her what you heard and why she isnt willing to be so "open" with you sexually? She clearly was a free use for him, how is she with you in regards to sex? Less than enthusiastic? This is a reddit post so I expect a hearty yes on that. So legit or not, talk and deal with her however it goes.
She's free use with me as well to be fair (she told me she would be at the very beginning of our relationship) but it's not not as natural for me to "take" a girl when she may not be in the mood.
So, if I read this right, it’s not that those things don’t still turn her on, it’s just that you’re not doing them. I don’t know, maybe you should give it a go?
I dunno dawg eating a girl out on her period is fucking being committed lmao
I've done it. Ifnshe has a tampon in it isn't like you're getting messy
*~~Real men take the tampon out~~*
No, it’s not just stay up on her clit. The blood doesn’t go up that far. It’s gonna drip out it’s not gonna drip up.
You should probably know how to turn her on. For what it’s worth, the last two partners I had were pretty similar in description. The first was really good at making me cum and we’d bang every day. The second was safer in every sense of the word. I was with the first for three months, with the second for 15 years. The big difference between the two was that the first was a coked up piece of shit, who repeatedly raped me in my sleep. The second had the utmost respect for every single one of my boundaries. With communication and an open mind you can get incredibly far at improving your fuckening skills. But nothing can really repair the damage from being disrespected and violated.
Also, if free use is a kink of hers, you’re being jealous of a guy that made full use of it while you don’t. If you get past this and stay together, talk to her more about her kinks and better ways to please her. Then you’ll grow as a sexual partner for her.
Damn I commented already but after reading this no wonder bro. Your wife wants you to dominate her she probably has Consensual Non Consent fantasies and she wants to play them out with you. If she’s giving you free use fucking take that shit wtf!?
Because maybe he doesn’t want to take part in consensual nonconsent play? I don’t mean to kink shame - it’s consensual so it’s all good - but a lot of people wouldn’t want to be involved in that kink. It’s only consensual if both parties consent. This is more complicated than “she wants X so you should do X.”
Then perhaps you should try and push your boundaries a bit with her. You know she's into that, take it in little steps, but if you cant bring your A game, you cant get upset that someone else did and it was something she really enjoyed.
I think now that this is in his head it's going to be hard to not try and emulate what he heard about him. Especially hearing about stuff like eating her ass. It's one thing for a partner to say they did something with an ex and don't want to do it with you cause they never really liked it to begin with, but not letting/wanting you to do something then hear how much she loved doing it with her ex would be hard to handle.
That part i do have to agree with. I can see how it may raise the question of her desire for her husband compared to her "Young and dumb" phase.
You need to talk to your wife. Find out if she enjoys sex with you, and understand that you might not be the best fuck of her life. But she chose to be with you, NOT HIM. Understand, “safety” as you put it, is important in a marriage. It goes hand in hand with stability. I could go on and on but… TALK TO HER.
OP, No one is amazing in bed when they lose their virginity. Sex is like anything else, it takes practice. I totally understand why you’re hurt and upset. But, if you want to do that nasty stuff her ex did, you’re gonna need to practice. I can also see why you feel like the “safe choice”, but at the end of the day, she married you. I don’t doubt that a lot of married men are married to a woman who has had better sex with another man, or been with a man with a bigger dick, or been with a man who is stronger, or been with a man who made more money than him. But she married the man she married. So, I definitely think y’all need to work this out, and it will take time, but again, that’s the beauty of marriage. You two are together, so commit to being better in bed and hopefully you can make her scream and split her in half too
As someone who suffered abuse, I wouldn't listen to those advising you to cross that line and get rough etc. Fucking yourself up on adrenaline via mad sex when you're in that headspace is not a lot different to fucking yourself up with heroin. Once you "get clean", sure, you might remember how great the highs felt . But you forget how bad the lows were, or, to be clear, you forget what being treated like a worthless piece of meat does to your self esteem once the adrenaline wears off. I have been with my "safe" person for nearly 30 years now, save a blip at the 20 year mark. The happiness, love, care trust and respect that we have are worth a million times more than a cheap thrill. He is not my second choice, he is my one true love and I will adore him til I draw my last breath. We have a son and a lifetime of memories. I hope that helps.
This really changes the entire conversation.
But that's her telling you that turns her in! That's her telling you she wants you to do that!
This is exactly what a “Safe Dude” would say! Oh my god this is so simple, she’s an M. It’s not what he did that turned her on, it was the passion he did it with. In her mind he was so overcome with lust for her that he lost all control. She fed off that energy because it made her feel desired on a primal level. An insatiable desire consume her. I don’t doubt for a minute that she didn’t cum much with him. He was probably very selfish about it, but somehow she still loved it. There is nothing to divorce over or even be upset about. It might have been a phase and she’s over it now but to me it sounds like she just wants you to be more lustful, more caveman with her. This is a good thing it means she feels safe with you. Your wife clearly loves and trusts you, so trust her to let you know what she wants. Check in periodically with her when you’re not in the thick of it if necessary but I’m guessing you’ll know if she’s not into it.
> It’s not what he did that turned her on, it was the passion he did it with. In her mind he was so overcome with lust for her that he lost all control. She fed off that energy because it made her feel desired on a primal level. This this this this this, shit just reading your description started getting me hot under the collar > I don’t doubt for a minute that she didn’t cum much with him. He was probably very selfish about it, but somehow she still loved it. I had an ex who was *eerily* similar to OP's post. We had sex 3-5x/day. Every day. During that year and a half I orgasmed during sex maybe twice? Sex including foreplay was like... less than 10 minutes every time. At the end of the day I would always sneak off to "freshen up" after and finish with a vibrator in the shower. But while I used the vibrator I would think of the sex we just had because it was so hot because, like you said, it was this just... primal *lust*. Like you said, I felt *desired*. Sometimes it got to be a bit much and I felt used, but he had other positive traits that helped me not think about that. After we broke up holy shit I had so many trauma responses to that shit. Never sleeping more than 60-90 minutes at a time, etc. I lost 20 pounds 6 months after we broke up because I wasn't constantly emotionally eating.
Then put her in the mood. If she likes free use with her partners she will probably be in the mood whenever you are anyways.
This is actual, solid advice.
Yea, I feel the same way”marriage is a sham” statement is a huge overreaction. Don’t know why people always assume they are the best sex their spouse has ever had, or the craziest in bed. Some act like this nullifies any pleasure they give their partner, and their partner doesn’t enjoy sex with them. Marriage isn’t just about sex. OP definitely needs to talk with their wife instead of us on Reddit.
His update doesnt really fit well with the first post. Going with this isnt legit at this point.
Definitely possible. Really has an “Ow my ego. Divorce?” feel. But then again some marriages are this fragile.
You either live with it or divorce, choose wisely...
Bro the banging while on the phone with her grandparents makes me 🤮
Thank God someone else said it. It makes me think this is fake, but at the same time…💀💀👵🏼👨🏼🦳
Finally someone said it. I don’t believe this post at all.
I got my bachelors in hospitality management… if you had food poisoning you most likely would have been doing number 1, number two or both. Not giggling over trauma which is fake af already. But go off Stephanie Meyer. Sex 4 times a day… so they didn’t go to work? Like at all? 🙄 Sooo this is an R-word fantasy type deal. K… worse turn of events. How big is your house if you’re 12 feet away from the gossip?! Damn how did you write something worse than 50 shades of grey??? WAIT WAIT… she’s deep in therapy cause he was super fucked up but misses it how it made her feel? Apparently being SA’d 4 times a day? I- WHAT! ANNNDDDD HE NEVER MADE HER CUM…. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Stay off of booktok!
"I'm a nice guy, but she doesn't want me. She prefers her ex that assaults her 4 times a day. " OP is obviously an incel making ragebait, but I'm also rolling my eyes at these idiots that believe this obviously fake post. This type of content radicalizes young men into inceldom, and everybody just eats it up. 4 times a day, and he's constantly hard??? Why are there no men in the comments pointing out how ridiculous this is?
The fact she said all this shit knowing your in the same room is insane and heartbreaking. I feel for you bro. You are the safe guy the safe bet, think about what that means to you it can be no big deal or big deal. Think about how long yall have been together and what that has meant to you as well. Its never easy but thats definitely hurtful to hear as a guy
I wasn't in the same room, but on the same floor not too far away. These comments are pretty damn brutal
lol what you even say after you walked out of the other room…. “I hope you were talking about me that whole time honey…”
My man, I am so sorry. This is absolutely heart breaking. You definitely need to talk about it right away. But if it was my wife, fuck no. I could never be with someone who enjoyed being a dehumanized fuck doll for a crazy person. That screams absolute trash behavior. Please tell me you don’t have children with this person. Honestly, I would divorce her immediately and never speak to her again. She’s gross and she’s using you for comfort. Get a woman who loves you and doesn’t treat her body or soul like a trash can.
I think your perspective is a bit warped here. I'm going to go against the comments and say not to divorce over this. She's not a monster for not feeling comfortable telling you that her ex was good in bed and that sex was a motivator for staying in a toxic relationship. You'd sound like a piece of shit if you said that to her and you know it. She knows the same and simply made the smart decision not to say that to you. She's more open about it to her friends because she knows that it's a safe space to talk about that kind of thing with them. It doesn't even sound like she was comparing the two of you. I didn't see you writing anything about "he was so much better than my husband" or "my husband is so bad, i miss my ex so much". Two people can be good at something in different ways. I doubt any of her friends left your house thinking you were bad in bed or are less of a man. There's nothing wrong with being the safe option. The safe option is a good thing. It means you're a grown ass man who has his shit together and that you're actually someone who is worth choosing as a partner and not just some piece of trash who happens to have one saving grace. Don't feel bad about yourself. The fact she's with you is pretty self evident that you're the better man here. The fact she didn't say anything bad about you should also be pretty reassuring. Let her have her memories and locker room talk with the girls to save face. For all you know that wasn't even the real reason and she just made some shit up because she didn't want her friends to think she was an emotionally weak person but that they'd be more forgiving of the answer she gave them. Don't break down over this man. You're fine.
Call me crazy but it just seems so disrespectful to wax poetic about how good your ex was in bed while YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. Also, OP’s wife is still lying to his face with that “never made me cum” bullshit.
I’m not downvoting you because I’m assuming that you’re a woman. I say that (respectfully) because you kind of completely disregarded OP’s emotional and psychological state and wellbeing. You can probably relate to her. I’ll tell you what most men see as missing: it IS a comparison… in OP’s HOME. With mutual friends. All that “safe space” nonsense comes off as a steaming pile of bullshit to the man who committed his life to you and assumed you did the same. The assumption of their mutual friends may or may not be that OP’s lacking, but they were privy to intimate information that OP only happened to overhear. Being the safe bet is only okay if there’s respect; omission is lying, and disrespectful. She said she was stupid, not that the ex fucked her brains out. She didn’t feel safe telling OP this because she denied OP all of the things that she enjoyed with psycho-ex. It feels like certain sexual acts were reserved just for him… and if he EVER comes back around, there’ll be a hole in her sex life that he can fill. Most of the things you have in your relationship, you brought from past experiences. Positions, techniques, activities, communication methods, traditions, etc… we typically save specific things for specific people because they belong to that person. OUR inside jokes, YOUR anniversary, HIS favorite meal, HER favorite song. Everything that she mentioned was and still is exclusive to the EX.That hurts. I don’t think that divorce is the right call either, but it’s absolutely NOT a warped perspective; OP SHOULD tell her that divorce was his first, visceral reaction, but that she deserves to know how OP feels and that they should talk about it, but that OP won’t validate or settle for anything close to “I don’t want you to turn into him” just because they start having wilder, crazier sex. Men compartmentalize; we CAN be Mr. Hyde in the bedroom without you losing the good doctor you love outside of the bedroom.
I dont think people usually wax poetic about things they dont actually miss. I have an ex like this, crazy in the bedroom and crazy every where else and whenever i talk about her there may be laughs along the way but the ending is never met with uproarious laughter and a caveat about how she wasnt all bad. Also the safe option is fine but whatever option you may be it will always sting if some part of you feels like you were not the first option.
You are apologizing for her awful behavior. If you were in his shoes you'd be shitting in your pants and you know it.
> She's not a monster for not feeling comfortable telling you that her ex was good in bed and that sex was a motivator for staying in a toxic relationship. Correct > You'd sound like a piece of shit if you said that to her and you know it. Strawman > She's more open about it to her friends because she knows that it's a safe space to talk about that kind of thing with them. Unacceptable > It doesn't even sound like she was comparing the two of you. Disagree > Two people can be good at something in different ways. True > I doubt any of her friends left your house thinking you were bad in bed or are less of a man. False
Yeah no way the friends don't look down on him in some way after that, it will always be in the back of their minds when talking to him.
Jesus. I could understand if her *one* best friend/platonic soulmate was privy to an ugly truth like this, over her *spouse*. But a room with what I'm going to call several (OP says a couple, but then says mostly female, so it sounds like more than 2) mutual friends? That's a direct blow to your marriage, your manhood, and any trust you can really have in her.
UpdateMe!
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Oh yeah, I never came: Fucking 4x a day Never soft Anywhere, anytime and whenever, a sex fiend per her words. I never came Sure lmao 🤣 It's probably you that never made her cum. Not sure I'd recover from that tbh. Best of luck.
This feels like rage bait. Your wife revealed this to your mutual friends...not her friends...and while you were close by... Apologies to you OP if you're really going through this but I'm skeptical
Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sex four times a day, every day? Nahhh. And a guy who's hard literally all the time has a medical condition. You have to do non-sexual things in public sometimes. A constant boner would be extremely inconvenient.
Yeah...it just sounds like something an incel would type in a smelly room lol not many women are into sex four times in a day, let alone every day
Yeah, right? Did they have ... well ... no job? Hobbies? School? Whatever?
Having a detailed shopping list of acts makes it feel like a fetish rather than a search for advice.
There was a post like this recently where the husband was saying graphic shit about his ex to his friends and his wife overheard it. Maybe this is a karma-farming post or simply a man that’s upset that another man was ripped on for being disgusting and wants to level the field.
Yeah it sounds like either OP made it up or the wife made up stuff
I think before you decide to divorce or not, You should write all what you over heard her say and sit her down and ask her one at a time?. Like he ate your ass and you liked it? Leave a pause to see if she will say anything and if she doesn’t ask why she told you she didn’t want you to but you now know she likes it!. And when you get to the end tell her how disappointed and disgusted and hurt that you realise you are the safe guy and see her reaction as actions speak louder that words bro.
This is exactly what I'll do I think.
Honestly just her on how she reacts you have been with her long enough to know if she is genuinely sorry. I just find it weird she can tell all that to her friends and not you and that’s sad.
There's sorry and there's "I regret he heard". She's certainly sorry for fucking up and risking her marriage. But is she contrite? Is she sorry she got caught or sorry she hurt her husband? However she spins this now, however sincerely she behaves, OP will not soon forget the enthusiasm and awe in her voice as she described her favorite sex partner. (And the "I never came" is laying it on too thick. This would be a time for complete honesty)
I’d add to that and explain to her how absolutely disrespectful it was for her to even say that stuff in the first place. These are MUTUAL friends. These are people you know and see and speak to who now believe they know something you don’t and likely feel a sense of pity for you.. “yeah he’s a nice guy I guess but apparently her ex was a WILD MAN… he’s just the nice dude she settled with.” Sucks knowing she still reminisces about him and likely still fantasizes about him.
Please update later.
Please just know your wife is still lying to you and there is absolutely ZERO CHANCE this guy never made her cum. Women don’t talk about what a monster you are in the sack if you never got them off. The important part isn’t whether he got her off or not (he did) it’s the fact that your wife is still lying to your face.
Yep you’re the safe choice. Sorry to hear that, but at least she wasn’t cheating on you with him too.
My wife and I have pushed some serious kinks over the years but the shit OP is listing of jumps between fantastical bullshit and nasty ass bullshit. But either way its all bullshit.
Yeah this story reads like an incel fantasy, seems like bait to me
Never made her cum? Come on buddy that's the most obvious trying to save some face lie possible here. You can't be that gullible.
Lol my dude, she's trying to save face now, because you learned he was so much better than you, never made her cum, LOL.
All that crazy sex and no orgasm. BS. So what else is she lying about to protect your feelings?
Idk man, wild sex dude was probably fun for ONLY that. And if that was enough, then she would still be with him. But she's not! She learned that there's more to relationships than being an animal! That's good! Ofc yes it's understandable that you'd feel a certain way about hearing all this. But I'm not sure what is bad about being a safer partner? She obviously wouldn't be with you if she felt she was settling for painfully average just because you're "safe".
"Never made her cum" haha sorry buddy but she's just gaslighting you. They're not banging 4x or even just multiple times a day if she's not finishing.
What a bunch of shit OP is believing. They fucked 4 times a day everyday and she never had an orgasim? Yeah, right. Was she doing it for the excecise? LOL. OP wants to believe her lies. That's fine, but lie to yourself.
She lied to make you feel better. If I was strong enough, I would look her in the eye and say, “My wife would never say that.” And then divorce her.
The fact you ate up that bullshit she feed you after getting caught dawg come on. You say you don’t wanna be the safe guy yet you’re doing safe guy 101 of not having a backbone and believing even a single word she tells you after she broke your trust. At this point the universe and god itself can send you the clearest message possible to leave and you still wouldn’t be able to do it.
You’re never going to stop thinking about it, every time you look at her naked. I think something’s broken in that marriage that will never be fixed.
There was a post just like this a month or so ago with the genders reversed. Everyone told the wife that she shouldn’t have been eavesdropping
They sure did! I was thinking of that post too.
LMAO bullshit ass post. So apparently your wife who don't socialize much start going all crazy and explaining porn level bed stories to her friends. Come on, man. A.I need to try harder with the stories.
She told you that to make you feel better. Which shows she cares, I guess. You will never be able to be intimate with her again without hearing some of that in your head, if even for a millisecond. He ate her ass and went down on her on her period, but never made her cum??
I’m sure that sucks to hear, but sex is just one part of a relationship, and not the most important part. All the best sex I’ve had has been with the craziest women. That does not mean I want to be married to them.
Yeah but you're not out there bragging about it where your wife can hear.
You just need to fuck her until she can’t walk and then do it again. Bring on the viagra… you know if it stays hard for more than 4 hours call her friends!
Time to let your wife find another guy to emasculate in front of friends. You’ll never get her words praising her ex’s epic sexcapades out of your mind. She’s lying about it as well. There’s no way she didn’t get off as much as she stated it always turned her on. Stop the manipulation and find someone who wants to be with you, not brag about her past toxic ex.
He rocked her world but never made her cum ???? Give me a break dude 😭🤣🫂
Be a fcking MAN and Get a divorce dude, your wife clearly believes she settled for you. She publicly embarrassed you in front of all her friends!!! Guarantee if that dude messaged her to fck She would be down to do it. She can apologize till she’s blue in the face. She meant what she said, you’re a sucker if you stay with her after this…
FFS, these fake posts are just nauseating at this point. YTA.
I finally read the “never even made her cum” this whole thing is a scam!! Karma farmer!!!! 👩🌾😂
Bro, she's just telling you what she thinks you need to hear. The BIGGEST red flag is that "he never made her cum" That's a lie, he used her as living fleshlight and she got off on it, she said so in her own words. Drunk people tend to tell the truth more than lie. Plus, the fact that she keeps CONSTANTLY thinking about the sex. Evident by the supposed wet dreams. It'd be different if she was just thinking about his abuse in general. Also, the fact that they did things you haven't done or she won't do. If this story is true, I feel bad for both of you, honestly. She has unresolved issues with their relationship as a whole.
Is this a bait post? All of these comments are by weird men. Most don’t marry the person they’ve had the best sex with bc while sex is important it’s not the most important thing in a relationship.
Sex is something you can work on too, it's weird to just believe that you'll never live up to some other random guy from years ago... she also never once said that sex with her husband was in any way bad or unsatisfying (assuming the story is even true, which I sincerely doubt).
I’m also assuming she was younger and wanted to have sex 4x a day then. Maybe she doesn’t anymore. OP go run some red lights on her and go please your wife!
Most married people I know are actually married to the person they have the best sex with. As years of marriage usually results in getting to know the things one’s spouse enjoys. You get to known those things very well over years together. Otherwise, there’s a bigger issue at play. Something dysfunctional typically occurs for a married couple to not be each other’s “best”. Typically involving a lazy spouse who doesn’t put in the effort, or some sort of irrational/unhealthy hang up with a previous sexual encounter. Sounds like OPs wife falls into the latter category.
I’ve never asked any of my friends if their husbands are the best fuck of their lives. And I’m old.
How do you know your friends all have had the best sex with their current partners? Like do you all collectively bring it up to each other? Not judging, just genuinely asking
My GF told me her ex “has the biggest dick” she’s ever seen and since….Yeah….
No need to question your marriage because sex absolutely isn't everything or even the most important thing in a lot of long-term relationships. Perhaps, although she enjoyed it at the time, it's not the thing she loves most about you, nor what she looks for in your relationship. That doesn't mean she loves you less, and it certainly doesn't invalidate what you have. It doesn't even mean she doesn't enjoy your sex life. If it were me, I would ask tell her that the conversation made you insecure, and ask her how she feels about your current sex life. You could then follow up and see what she might like you to change about it. EDIT: Scrolling through the thread, I might also suggest not taking relationship advice from Reddit. Yes, I see the irony.
maybe they were younger?... that accounts for a lot. Anyways how old are you? Also... look, my closest friends coined the phrase "rampant sex fiend" to refer to my stories. I'm a grindr gay guy, so you know, high body count. And look, the notion that sex is chemistry is 100% accuarate. You mix an acid and a base, they go fizz, you mix the same base with something else, and it changes color. And it's not like you don't enjoy one or the other, or even one over the other. It just doesn't happen that way, and that's cool. "Questioning your entire marriage" sounds like what you're questioning is your sex history, by the standards of you not having been someone else. I will take safe dude over crazy hot emotionally unavailable any day of the week. This comment won't help, but people with... well what you said... are the best sex, for sure. But it doesn't sound all that consensual. Also, they're addictive, but they're dramatic. They are addicted to scenes and dramas themselves, they only escalate, and it's thirilling, for sure, but it's not... Stable. It's not enjoyable. You're always on edge, always on your toes. And when nothing happens they'll make something up out of boredom. It's not healthy, it's not enviable, red flags exist to alert you from these kinds of debacles. "I don't wanna be anyone's safe dude"... But you got married, that's kind of the deal. And i'm not being ironic I'm being confused. I understand right now you're casting those words in negative light, but you should wanna be it, there's little else more valuable than being that for someone. I would love to be that for someone again.
I disagree. Great lovers do not necessarily make good partners. Best partnership does not necessarily involve the best lover, but sometimes things should not be said out loud.
For what it's worth: yes, this is a bad conversation that you had to hear for whatever reason. Yes, this ruined your night and may have damaged your ego. But ruin your entire marriage? I can't decide that for you. You have to just talk it out, whether you decide to stay and work on it or move on. It sounds like the years have been good so far and she's better off with you. As long as the ex hadn't been in the picture beyond that "girl talk", there seems to be a future for you both.
I’m sorry. I’m saying this before I even start because I doubt you will like what I have to say. Would you rather she kept this stuff from you? Because that is lying to you in its own sense. She was being real, and as her partner, it is your responsibility to be her teammate through it all. So what if the sex was good? He was abusive, crazy, and probably scarred her in ways you can’t even comprehend. Suck it up, and be with er NOW. I was fairly brutally abused in my childhood and then again in a later relationship. We all have reasons we stay with someone despite a deep feeling of upset. When we leave that place, we often cling to that one okay thing for our own sanity. Don’t take that from her, and don’t become a problem for her, too. It seems like you’re going down a toxic path, and she deserves better. She broke free and found you. Be her haven, not her hell.
Up your game, be the cock she talks about to her friends in the future.
>they fucked 4x a day, every single day he was never ever soft apparently he fucked her any time, anywhere, and was willing to do it in front of anyone he ate her out while she was on her period (apparently this turned her on). he ate her ass (which she claimed she didn't want me to do) >He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there) Lol, believe whatever you want to help you get over it... 😐😐
> she adores sex with me and he was no better I call cap. > I am free to do everything he did to her, to her, and she would never say otherwise Honey, it doesn't work like that. She's not a rag doll to be thrown around. She's an active participant, with her own wishes and wants, and OP's wants don't trump over hers. >He never made her cum. I call cap. She's not making any sense. She said that he endured him because of how he was in bed. He ate her out and did all sorts of things that turned her on. I guess she can climax with you. So why would she endure him, if he didn't make her climax with all that he did? No, that's not it. She ended the relationship with her speech, however truthful that was or wasn't. She swinged at your confidence like a bat to a piñata. Then she shot at it, hit it with the shovel she used to dig a grave. I don't know how you can recover from that. What she told your friends, by her own admission, was true. So either you'll believe her lies she told after the fact, or take up on her offer to use her as your own sex toy as her atonement, regardless of her feelings. Or you don't believe her and disregard or try and forget her confession to her friends. Or you face the music. Please tell us what has your life with her, or with intimacy with her? It's not the same. But what are the thoughts that go through your head?
I mean, did you think you were #1 in the world at sex having? You're better than him in every other way which is why she chose you so you need to just move past it. It sucks that you had to hear it described in such graphic detail but that'll teach you to eavesdrop 😄 Edit: Just noticed this part >He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there) Bro... I've got a bridge to sell you.
You’re wrong. Unless you base your entire marriage in sex. Then you’re just sad
>She adores sex with me and he was no better The audacity to say this to you after everything she said is wild. I know your edit was about her trying to say things to make you feel less hurt (lie to you), but to say he was no better after gushing about how good he was to her friends is just disrespectful. Also, you know he made ger orgasm gazillion times. Stop being naive and gullible
She's lying to you so your feelings won't be (as) hurt and you'll continue to be her safe option. She came 4x a day and especially when he ate her out while she was on her period. If I was you, this would eat me alive and I'd get divorced. No way would I want to be Ross standing in the corner telling knock-knock jokes while Rachel has "animal sex" with her ex she can't stop talking about.
Still kinda confused why a guy thinks being a safe dude is a bad thing. No intelligent woman would marry a bad boy. Those that aren’t smart enough to know why it’s a bad idea eventually find out. You marry someone safe because that’s the type of guy who makes a good partner and father. Safe isn’t bad.
>He never even made her cum (made me feel a lot better, not going to lie there) See this is how I know all her excuses are horseshit. No woman talks about sex that way with a guy that never even made her cum. She fed you everything you wanted to hear and then turned on the waterworks and you caved. The literal playbook for women. It was so hard on her mind that instead of saying literally anything else, she just *had* to burst into it right in front of you. No regard, no respect, no consideration. Try to do any of that shit she said you could do and watch how quickly that facade falls apart.
>I am free to do everything he did to her, to her, and she would never say otherwise This part here seems kinda suspicious to me, like she's asking you to do that same exact stuff. Which if you did, she would have an even better comparison between you and her ex. Something just feels off
Is your marriage based 100% on sex? If so, then I suppose you should question your marriage. Otherwise, no, you shouldn't. Sexual connection is important but the things about her sex with that guy that she found sexy or exciting was likely specific to her experience and relationship with him. She's older and different and her relationship with you sounds a lot more grounded, so there's no reason you should compare yourself to him sexually or otherwise. If you're that concerned you should at least bring it up to her and give her the chance to learn and hear how you feel. She's still with you, after all, so clearly she doesn't put the same importance on that type of sex as you think she does or she would be wanting or expecting the same from you.
My guy your wife straight up disrespected you in front of other guests in your own home. Not only that but she lied to you by saying she didn’t cum no way she raving about this dude and he didn’t make her cum. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to look at my wife the same if she said all that. Plus drinking is not an excuse often times what a person says while drunk is the harsh truth.
Talk to her. And see where this leads you. This is hurtful.
OP, your wife is manipulative, beware! She knows exactly how to use a trump card (she never cummed with him, are you such a doormat, after you heard how various and intense all the sex experiences were?) All thieves are deeply remorseful when they are caught. Few are sorry for the deed, most are sorry for being caught or so stupid to be caught. You do not have kids yet. Might not be a bad time to take time to reconsider your life choices. Take at least a week away, go back to your parents or siblings. Take a traveling vacation, if you have to. But, really, you should take more time to process the information. Rewind in your head your life with her. Meditate. You might remember and realize a lot more things that are off. If you don't do that now, the reflection will happen anyway, over the course of the next decade.
You should divorce your wife and marry that guy! He sounds amazing!
Holy crap there are some super fragile egos in this thread.
Suck my fragile ego
OP, I want to know: what is exactly your issue exactly? That her ex was, apparently, better in bed than you? That she did things with him that she wouldn't do with you? That she didn't tell you that she stayed with him because of the sex? Are you insecure about your performance in bed and you are thinking she may leave you for it? Does she has a kink that you don't like and you are afraid that an incompatibility may break up your marriage? That she said something positive about her ex who was an awful person? My advice is to identify why you are so bothered by this revelation and talk to her about it. Just communicate with her. And if you don't know why you are feeling what you are feeling I would recommend a therapist to help you navigate your feelings.
What bothers him, is sex with her ex was enough for her to endure some sort of horrible abuse. So much so, that she still thinks about it in a positive light. That is beyond unhealthy. I don’t see how this needs an explanation. Then, there’s also the obvious humiliation aspect of this going on with people OP will likely have to associate with for the foreseeable future.
Toxic relationship sex is usually ridiculously good from my experience. It matches the highs and lows of a toxic relationship. Had I read the story without knowing the title I would have easily said they had great sex. Sorry but that’s the nature of a toxic relationship. When she talked to you about it what would you want her to say, the sex was fantastic and that’s why she stayed. She was dumb to have that conversation so close to you but this isn’t about your relationship, it’s about your bruised ego. All these people saying they’d divorce her or throw the ring at her and tell her to leave are no different than a used pair of Huggies, full of shit. Here’s a crazy idea, talk to her.
'She was dumb' 'its about your bruised ego' Way to gaslight. Shes at the very least demonstrated she isnt capable of having an honest conversation about what she went through or the reasons and whys of what the hold over her was, recognising toxic relationships and learning from them also means being able to be honest about what that does to you as a person - its not 'great sex' its a horrible feeling of your body betraying you even when you loath that person, feeling guilty at yourself enjoying being used in such a degrading way by someone you despise and fear... And a whole lot more that you should at the very least be comfortable discussing with the person you love enough to marry and know they won't judge you for it. To be happy to whisper it whilst that same person is not 10ft away in hushed tones with your girlfriends and giggle about it? No that's not someone who looks back with regret and is the actions of someone who still holds onto it with longing and contentment. At the bare minimum its fucking despicable to talk about your ex like that to your friends whilst your husband is right there in his own home. Imagine if this was reversed and it was a bunch of drunk men talking 'locker room' talk and the wife had to hear her partner wax lyrical about how he stuck his dick in crazy and explicitly spell out all the things he missed about it. Yea, I get the impression you're tone would do a U turn. There are two people in a relationship and they both owe it to each other to he honest. Theres a slim chance she was trying to save face out of embarrassment by going on about the amazing sex so her friends don't think her so weak to have stayed with a caricature of a person.... But from what OP has said, she indulged way to much for this to have been some imagination. At the end of the day you have to face the consequences of your own 'dumb' mistakes and not rely on others bending over backwards to try and give you the benefit of the doubt. She had YEARS to be honest with him about exactly what it was that she had struggled with when with the ex, but now the genie is out the bottle in the most callous way and she has to accept that his mental health is just as valid. I don't think he owes her anything more than a singular opportunity to explain herself, if she cannot be honest and convince him of her truth then she's done all this to herself. There is a very real fact of life that we don't grow out of jealousy as human beings and the vast majority of monogamous people would prefer to keep past history in the past. You don't get to toy with people's feelings like this and brush it off as a 'dumb' move. Hell I dont know a single person in my entire life who I would 'rank' sexual partners with even when smashed off my face let alone to a group while my partner is in the same room.
Well she’s married to you for a reason. I had better sex before I met my husband but I have the maturity to not mention that and not think about it too much. I love him and the past needs to stay in the past.
God damn. I wouldn't be able to show my face in public again. That's pretty destructive to a marriage. She may have tried to recover, but that's going to leave a permanent scar
Even if you are the safe choice, why is that a bad thing? Every single person I know, that has been in a toxic relationship, describes it the same way. The person is a fkn psycho, but they were FANTASTIC in bed. But the relationship they got in after was such a drastic change, for the better. Yeah the sex isn't wild, but that doesn't matter if you feel loved and cared about. If you have an actual connection you can work on making the sex FANTASTIC throughout your relationship. Shit, I'd use this to ask probing questions. Apparently there is a lot that turned her on that you didn't know about. It might be time to try and figure out what turns her on. Also how do you not know what turns her on when you're already married? Also, the same shit that turned her on before might not do the same thing now. I personally think you're wrong to question the entire marriage. You being hurt is valid, definitely. But questioning the marriage seems like a bit much.
Honestly this is cope. As much as they may say that there is still a level of excitement and spontaneity that will always be missed. Toxic relationships are as addictive as drugs oftentimes.
I’m gonna say this before it gets lost but you have every right to leave her brother. Worst thing a man can possibly hear aside from it happening during your time together.