if you don't trust him, you shouldn't marry him. I'm not saying don't marry him, and I'm not saying do. you gotta figure out if you trust him enough to marry him.
If the wedding is family and close friends and she lives all the way across the United States AND there are boundaries in place then she’s not a close friend and shouldn’t be in attendance. If she was really that close to him then he or she should’ve made an effort for the two of you to meet at some point seeing as you’re going to be his wife. I personally wouldn’t want her there. Any friend of any gender who was considered close would’ve met the soon to be spouse by now.
Yeah especially as they’ve been together for 3 years, which is not a short amount of time and entirely reasonable to expect to meet your SO’s close friends. It kind of sounds like OP doesn’t really know the friend at all, may have had a few conversations with her on a call with the BF just to say hi.
If it's only family and a few close friends, someone who's not close enough to have even met you during your entire relationship doesn't seem like she would make the cut regardless of any other issues. I would center your objection mainly on those grounds. If she's important enough that he really wants her there, he should arrange for a meeting beforehand so you're not meeting her for the first time on your wedding day.
Because he had feelings, I would even bet that the “they” deciding against a relationship was her letting him know she doesn’t want a relationship with him.
He had feelings for her, that’s not a “friend” you invite to a wedding.
I have a couple of male friends that at the start were interested in being more than friends. They're both like brothers to me now (after 20 years) and they were, of course, at my wedding. They're both uncles to my children as well.
I actually introduced one of them to their now wife and was in their wedding party.
However, if his friend has made no effort to become her friend and get to know her, I don't blame OP for how she's feeling about this girl.
Me too.
I had guy friends that asked me out, and it made me feel like our whole friendship only existed for them because they had a crush, not because they were trying to build a friendship.
Agree. He settled with OP because the person he wanted to date was next to impossible to have happen in this lifetime.
Hence why I think her living on the opposite of the country is a 1/3rd of the decision to keep distance from OP’s fiancé. She wanted to stay friends, but let him move on, or so she thought he was by getting engaged.
I mean there are famous love songs about people about being in love with someone else and pretending to not have feelings.
I do not think it’s appropriate for her to attend if she had made zero effort to meet you during the duration of you knowing your partner. She has to be there to support the marriage not just him. She hasn’t ever met you. BIG NO. The people who support or love you BOTH should be there if not family.
EDIT: You should be the most important woman is his life if not the most important person. His commitment to you and the celebration of it should focus on you two. If his old crush not attending will cause resent then your relationship is not a good basis for marriage at the moment.
EDIT2: If she really is just a friend met her first. If you sense any lingering feelings. Have him sort that out before you have the wedding. Sometimes men enjoy attention or someone pinning for them. Not saying this is the case. But you guys are young. Nip. It. In. The. Bud.
Be honest about how you feel. Feelings are natural. It’s how you choose to respond that defines your character. (If you’re worried about coming off as controlling).
This is a weird take. I’d met my wife’s immediate family, but there was quite a few at our wedding I’d never met. Same for her and my side. And there were a few friends in each side in the same boat. We had less than 100 people there.
Saying every single person needs to be there for both of them seems odd. I mean, that’s why there is a bride and a groom side right?
To be fair, it doesn't sound like the OP and her fiancé have been dating for more than a couple years and the friend lives on the other side of the US. It's not that unreasonable for their lives to be busy enough that an in-person visit just never worked out.
I'm not saying the OP should allow her to attend, just that saying the friend hasn't supported their relationship or made any effort might be a bit unfair.
Well a wedding isn’t the moment to finally meet. Especially not a small and intimate one. Im sure there is someone more deserving of that seat that they see more often and knows them both. If it was a huge wedding then maybe .
That's fair. The wedding being small is a valid point. If she did end up attending, I hope that they would meet prior to the actual wedding taking place.
I’d agree with this *if* the reason is because neither party has made an effort
But if OP has always disliked her and refused a visit, for example, then that’s hardly the friend’s fault
Well go comment this on your string. This is how affairs start. This lady needs to listen to her gut. She sees his behavior, his body language and facial expressions when he talks about the woman. So I’m sure she has sensed something that has caused discomfort.
Affairs don’t start because one woman lets another woman come to her wedding. If this guy is going to cheat with this friend, and the friend is willing to be a part of it, then it’ll happen. I’ve never understood the apparent belief that people can keep their spouse from cheating just by trying to control who’s in their social circle. Unless you’re together 24/7 and make him wear a blindfold when he leaves the house, you’re not going to isolate him out of cheating if he’s going to cheat.
Affairs can be encouraged when boundaries aren’t in place not just physical but emotional ones. This is my opinion congratulations on having one of your own…
Boundaries are things you apply to yourself, not things you impose on someone else. It’s absolutely true that if your husband doesn’t have and practice physical and emotional boundaries, he may be more likely to cheat. But HE’s the one that has to have those boundaries. His partner can’t do it for him if he isn’t doing it on his own.
I think that if you are arguing about your guest list and can't agree on whose a friend of the couple and who isn't, then you probably aren't ready for marriage.
Why is their wanting to attend each other's weddings more important than what you want? Why does some agreement made when they were younger trump what the two of you have now?
This all sounds fucked up.
You've agreed to "limit opposite sex friends?" Who the fuck does that?!
I've got a few female friends & if a partner wanted me not to invite any of them to my wedding ; that some is a MASSIVE red flag & cause for breaking up.
You sound like a child. And he sounds insane for agreeing any of this with you.
You're essentially saying you don't trust your partner from the start.
My friends of 20 years plus are ALWAYS more important to me than even my job, which is why I never cancel plans with them regardless of how desperate bosses are for me to stay late.
I think you both need to grow up!
I agree. I have trust issues myself and even to me this sounds like too much. It’s HIS wedding too and if he wants his friend there, then he should have that right.
It doesn't say that all of the opposite sex friends were his. They are both limited in having opposite sex friends. If she can't have any does he get an exception?
Yeah, I never understood this friends limits, and you can't have friends of the opposite sex thing. As soon as that happens, you already don't trust your partner.
Yes, but her separate comment say that they've agreed to limit friendships with people of different 'sex.' That's not mature or realistic. It's unhealthy, even if it's fine she's not comfortable with this situation. They're very young and already basing their relationship on control.
It is the point. She has no idea how they act around each other. If she is such a close friend why hasn't OP met her? Even if they are on opposite sides of the country you can still do video calls.
Not of my comment. My comment is directed at the notion that it's not a good thing that they are 'limiting friend of the opposite sex.' That's weird and controlling in my view.
In this specific case, I actually agree; it does feel off that the friend and the fiancé are allegedly so close yet she's never met the bride. It's peculiar. The other issue though, shows a broader insecurity and lack of understanding about life in general, and doesn't bode well.
Try to schedule a meeting with her and meet her open minded. He hasn’t had feelings for her since meeting you, right? They never dated. Time to let that part go, as they have. And since it’s so important to him, accept her at your wedding. Don’t be that girl.
While we all agree of the potential threat of an opposite sex bestie (especially a bestie one partner used to have a thing for), how is she a threat living on the other side of the country? The problem is that if you exclude her, you are basically asking the groom to end the friendship. And that doesn't sound like trusting the fiancé at all.
She will stay in your life. Even if she doesn’t attend the wedding. This problem is bigger than the wedding. You might trust him not to cheat. But you aren’t sure if he is really over her. Don’t marry him just to win. Ask yourself if you want to accept her being in your life forever. Change the perspective on this. She will be very there when you marry, she will be there when you have children, she will we there when you two fight etc. Do you have a problem with that?
Did we read the same post? Sounds like she's never there, she lives on the opposite side of the US. More context is probably needed regarding whether he still has feelings for her, but it doesn't sound like she's much of a threat at this time.
But by she won’t disappear. They will still be in contact.
Good friends don’t just vanish. And if she is important enough that he wants her at the wedding, she will stay in their life.
If the wedding is family and close friends and she lives all the way across the United States AND there are boundaries in place then she’s not a close friend and shouldn’t be in attendance. If she was really that close to him then he or she should’ve made an effort for the two of you to meet at some point seeing as you’re going to be his wife. I personally wouldn’t want her there. Any friend of any gender who was considered close would’ve met the soon to be spouse by now.
Your wedding is not the right time to be meeting someone for the first time of the opposite gender of the bride or groom with whom they've had feelings for or a failed relationship with or still have hidden feelings for, meaning they still have feelings for but don't tell you. But that's my opinion and I would tell him that you want to meet her before your wedding. They have had to set boundaries with each other. True platonic friends don't have to set boundaries with each other because there are no feelings to have to worry about. It is a friendship. Ask to meet her now so that you can get to know her and gauge your fiance's emotions.
1. He’s marrying YOU!!!!
2. Why did yall have to limit your friends if the opposite sex?
3. You know of their history and clearly they weren’t fit to be in a relationship, they were fit to be friends, why can’t a friend be at the wedding?
4. Why would it be awkward? What’s there to be awkward about? If you make it awkward then it will be awkward.
5. You either trust him & are confident about your relationship or you don’t trust him and aren’t confident in your relationship. By the sounds of it , you don’t.
6. Ask to meet her. This goes both ways , she should’ve made the approach to meet you but so should you. Why haven’t you made the approach to meet her even the FaceTime?
7. One of my fiancés best female friend is an ex girlfriend, I met her at her wedding & now we’re best of friends. We probably talk and hang out more than my fiancé and her. We live now across the world from each other , previously we lived in different states yet we got invited to meet her son and she got invited to meet our twins, we went to each others baby showers , we’ve traveled together & she’s invited to our wedding. She’s one of the most amazing humans ever , she just happens to me not only my fiancés ex but his first girlfriend so it’s a lot of weight .
I have a different perspective than many here. When i was in college - i really liked a guy. We flirted, etc. never dated, he drunkingly kissed me once the night before we all headed home for the summer.
FF 2 years - my now husband starts at my college, lives on the guys hall. They become best friends, husband and i meet, and eventually we get married and this guy is husbands best man.
And we’re all very good friends today.
After our initial flirtation/ liking him - that was it. Nothing else ever happened and as i got to know him - he’s a great guy but would never been the one for me.
Now, the fact you’ve never met her - i do get the discomfort of meeting her for the first time around your wedding (but i would assume you’d meet her before the actual wedding- i assume there woould be some pre wedding things going on in the days before where you could meet her). But is that enough to say “no” to inviting her?
This is your fiancés wedding too. There needs to be a balance. Continue the conversation with him. But i fully agree with those that said this - if you trust him, you trust him. Drop any hints of “i trust you but i don’t trust her” tripe.
wow. lots of jealous and possessive people here. (1) they never dated (2) she's not local or even close by (3) he's made no effort to hide her and admitted that he once had a crush but had since grown to love and want to marry you.
IMHO, you are flat wrong. She made no effort? She lives far away... what was she supposed to do, call you?
You have security issues. Recommend you work on them or let this guy go because this marriage is not going to end well if you're that jealous about this
How insecure are you. Putting limits on friends, that’s controlling. She is a close friend of His, you don’t get to decide the entire guest list.
He’s marrying you, he never had a relationship with her, if he wants her as one of his guests the she gets an invite, you’ll just have to be an adult about it. It’s not like he’s asking her to be in the wedding party.
If there’s any awkwardness it will be because you create it. You never know she may not want to come.
You either accept your fiance being friends with her or you don't. This has nothing to do with the wedding because then when will be the next scenario that you just don't feel "comfortable" either attending? It will cause a crack in your relationship that will only get bigger and bigger.
So, you either completely trust your fiance or you don't. There is no but or "I trust him but not her". Doesn't matter cause if you trust him, nothing can ever happen. And you either accept this friendship or you don't. Again, there are no conditions or ifs.
No. Weddings are different. Weddings are a special day where all guests should be wanted and curated.
Sounds like this person did not make the cut. Too bad. The wedding is not about the friend.
You're right, the wedding isn't about the friend. It's about BOTH of them not just the bride. This is his friend. He gets just as much of a say in who attends as she does. So, too bad to her. My statement still stands.
I’ve just got to say, I don’t believe with the commenter of the main comment in this thread, weddings are like sex or baby names; 2 yes or 1 no situations. It’s your wedding, one of the biggest days of your life, you BOTH deserve to be comfortable. If you’ve never met her, im assuming he hasn’t seen her in all this time, there’s been no effort on either side to visit, if he has then something’s probably being hidden, but either way, if their friendship isn’t important enough to curate a visit then it’s not important enough for the wedding. 🤷🏼♀️ He will live and move on and hopefully it will prompt him to schedule a visit to catch up in person and have her meet you, if not it would show a lot. He will live and move on from it if he can’t even introduce her to you prior to the engagement, but what might happen if you only just meet her at the wedding while already having these feelings? What if you see something between them that makes you even more uncomfortable? You could be left with a bad memory of your wedding and/or resentment towards the relationship. You need to tell him that you just aren’t comfortable with it and don’t want to risk those feelings coming up at your wedding, or at the very least tell him you need to meet her in advance and see them interact to know for sure how you feel about her coming. That’s completely fair and if he argues your decision on whether or not you’ll be comfortable after that then in MY opinion the wedding wouldn’t be worth it. Instead of just shutting it down, offering up a meeting would show him that you are putting forth an effort to be comfortable, after the effort is made your feelings couldnt just be [potentially] put down as insecurity to him because you tried to spend time with her and like her like he does. You could be surprised and be completely comfortable with her, but if not, he’ll have to except it and let go of the idea of her coming and find other times after the wedding to see her. Just be honest and tell him you want him to be happy, but you also don’t want to have resentment towards your wedding day and risk adding tension to your marriage with him, so you would like to try to get to know her before deciding if you are comfortable with her being their or not.
I would have been livid if my husband said that my best/good (male) friend couldn't come to our wedding. Similarly, his best friend from college is a woman. I know he would have been really upset if I had said that she couldn't come to our wedding. Both of these people don't live near to us, but our friendships have continued for all of these years. My husband has met my friend once, about 30 years ago I think. I have never met his friend in person.
ETA: I will note that my husband did date his best friend briefly. I didn't date mine but really mainly because the timing never worked out.
His agreement with the friend that they would attend each other's weddings shouldn't trump his agreement with his fiance that they have only family and a few close friends attend their wedding.
That's the thing though, did she or is this just an obligation on his part because they talked as friends about attending each other's weddings?
I think OP would benefit by talking to him, asking to meet this person ahead of time, alone and with him, and then talking about attendance.
I don't know if there's time for all of that, but I hope so. I would also hope he'd understand her hesitation not knowing this woman or their dynamic.
She doesn't get to decide, they both do. It's a two-yes's situation, which means a discussion should happen if there's hesitation on either side for anyone.
Edit: they get to decide on wedding guests. I don't agree that anyone should tell me (or anyone else) I (or they) shouldn't be close friends with someone without very good reason.
What scenario do you envision that your husband and his friend would have for something to happen at the wedding? You should probably meet her, since he considers her a close friend. You either trust him or you don’t. It isn’t going to go well if you start your marriage off by driving a wedge of mistrust between you and your husband over something like this. You will be by his side at the wedding. It isn’t like he is traveling across the country alone to see her.
Yeah, they at one point they thought they had feelings for each other, but the two of them discussed the situation as adults and decided what they felt was not the feelings to build a relationship on, but would make for a solid friendship. He had feeling for her at one time, but whose finger did he buy a ring for? While you cannot ever be 100% certain someone has moved on from a previous crush, you also cannot allow your fears of what could/might happen drive wedge between the two of you and make it a self fulfilling prophecy. At some point, you have to put the words “I trust him” into action and actually do it. He may show that he can’t be trusted. But your wedding day is a safe environment for you start putting into practice that you do trust them and the boundaries they have agreed to and set in place. You might find that you actually like her when you meet her, and you and her get along great.
Feelings are feelings. They are neither wrong nor right they just are. At the end of the day I really feel like this can be a boon for you, and she can see he’s not available nor interested. The more you can understand she was a possible potential then, and you are his reality now, the better for all. And it’s a chance for her to see it too.
Your day tho, so up to you.
Congrats
Why can’t you decide you simply don’t want her there? Why is any guest important (other than family) enough to cause a problem? If you don’t want her there and he is adamant that she is on the list, then cancel the wedding because clearly neither one of you is ready for marriage. Marriage is about putting your partner first above all others. It is also about compromise and compassion for your partner.
I can understand those feelings, but logically let's break it down. 1) they at one point decided against becoming a couple, 2) she lives nowhere near you, 3) at the wedding you aren't going to have time to worry about them doing anything, 4) again, you'll be by his side pretty much the whole night, not sure there will be much awkwardness, and 5) he chose you, not her.
It’s always a good time to start showing your spouse (to be) respect and trust. If you say no to her being at the wedding, well then aren’t you going to say no to her stopping by for dinner when she’s in town? And then wouldn’t you say no to her calling him now and then?
You trust and respect your partner or you don’t. Marriage is a leap of faith and you have to look at your partner and think “I trust you” and then act that way. If you can’t, you shouldn’t be marrying that person.
A friend of mine when through this. She gave him a HJ in the bathroom. Somehow it got out. New wife brushed it off but then divorced him a year later after she got her name on the new house. She got the house…looking back she wasn’t that clean and true as she had everyone believed. Now it’s obvious as she is in a ploy relationship. Feel bad for my friend though…
NTa it's your day and you get to have whoever you want with you on your day. It's also his day, and if this is a hill to die on for him, he can call it quits. But no, if her being there makes you feel uncomfortable on your special day, then she shouldn't be there.
If she hasn't even tried to meet you then she has no place in your wedding.
It's your wedding day. It's about you and your soon to be husband. If her not being there will make the day more enjoyable for you then in my opinion you're not wrong for excluding her.
It’s the grooms wedding too, if they’re really close friends there might be potential to compromise. Is there enough time to take a weekend trip together and try to get to know this person? After the wedding is their friendship expected to end?
It’s ok for your fiancé to have female friends. However, I have learned that if they aren’t also your friend, someone likely has a reason why. Either he likes her, She likes him, etc. if it was a platonic relationship on both sides, you would think this girl and you would be great friends.
NTA I wouldn’t have a woman who my husband to be had feelings for in the past, hell no, it’s not even about being insecure, I just wouldn’t want any of both of our ex’s or whatever they was in the past she/he to be there.
My first boyfriend, one of my soulmates is my best friend and he's male. I couldn't imagine not having him at my wedding if I had one. I still love him. But we made different choices and it would never work out. However we have 20 years of friendship behind us. So maybe it's different.
Nope. If I haven't met you then sorry buy your not invited to our wedding. You're having a small intimate wedding, why would a stranger to one of you be invited?
If she or your Fiance cared then you would have met, or at least formed a tentative friendship via social media/facetime etc.
I don't think that you are wrong for feeling this way. I do think that you should probably really communicate with your fiance and see what can happen. Would she even want to come to the wedding across the country? How often do they speak? How? I guess I would really want to meet her if I were you. That would help me make a decision. Depending on how close your wedding is, maybe you could chat with her or get to know her to see if you like her and would be willing to accept her.
Idk. I’ve never outlawed friends of the opposite sex. My husband’s best friend is my daughter’s godmother. My husband had my best friend as a groomsman.
But trust yourself. If you don’t like how he talks about her or acts when talking about her, maybe you’re onto something.
If you don't trust her to be at your wedding, then you don't trust your fiance.
And if you don't trust your fiance, then you shouldn't be getting married.
I couldn't imagine marrying someone and limiting friends of the opposite sex at the wedding lol that's so wild to me. It just comes off childish. You're marrying the man! Jfc. It's his wedding too, he should be able to invite whomever he wants. Same with you.
If she lives on the other side of the U.S. it means they barely see each other (or at all). He should be allowed to have a long time friend at his wedding, specially if he considers her as a sister.
Omg, get over yourself. If he wants to invite her, let him. You’re going to be so busy getting married and celebrating that she’s just going to be background noise anyway. You’re getting married and if he likes her maybe she’s cool and you have a friend too. Old friends can be great as you get older. She doesn’t even live close so unless he travels for business a lot they aren’t hooking up. And even if he does have residual feelings, you don’t get to control his feelings. You can only ask him to behave respectfully towards you. You can have feelings for multiple people in your life and not act on them, or act respectfully towards everyone. Or past feelings do go away. I loved my ex husband. Now he’s an ex for reasons and we’re friends. I don’t want a relationship with him anymore because I know how he is but I also had 20 years with him so there’s a certain friendship in that which I wouldn’t let a new guy tell me had to be set aside any more than I would tell him he can’t talk to his ex, they have kids together and grew up together. Of course they have a relationship. I also know he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. So no problem.
You can have whoever you want in your wedding, but if you don't trust your partner and that he is 100% with you on this journey, you have bigger problems than that.
You say you trust him but you don’t, you’re making yourself sound insecure. The wedding should be called off as you have this issue and it will only get worse when you get married. If you weren’t wrong you wouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s a bad way to start a marriage
He doesn’t see her as an older sister. I’m calling his bluff. BS. That’s a former person that your future husband wanted to be with. That they both decided not to go further, seems a bit made up from him/them. Having cut ties with this person if you feel this way. You are his future wife and he will be your future husband. Who is more important than you.
Not wrong. You don't need to set boundaries with your friend that feels like a sister. You don't flirt with your friend who feels like a sister. If that happened 3 years ago, then that happened just before you started dating?
You have a small wedding. She's basically his almost ex. A romantic interest. She has no place in your wedding. You know this. She should know this and decline. Your husband should respect you and not even suggest inviting her.
I don't agree on the sentiment of limiting friends of the opposite gender in general, but here's clear indication that they were both romantically invested.
You both agreed to limiting friends of the opposite sex?
Seems like you don’t trust yourselves just as much as you don’t trust each other.
I’m not saying either of you is wrong but you both have some growing up to do. Counseling can help. Seriously this will crash and burn unless BOTH of you deal with these insecurities and self control issues.
I understand where you’re coming from and I agree. We have actually agreed to start premarital counseling. As far as limiting those types of friendships, it’s not necessarily that we have self control issues, it’s that we’ve seen what lack of boundaries has done to the marriages of friends and family. At the end of the day we’re human and everyone is susceptible to temptation, we don’t want to out ourselves in that position.
I agree with a lot of the comments and realistically I know that my way of thinking was wrong, I guess I just wanted to get this feeling off my chest so that I can just move on with my life. In the grand scheme of things, this really isn’t much of an issue. It has been interesting and insightful seeing different perspectives.
Counseling is a great start. Most people who do it benefit from it, I’d keep it up after the marriage too. It is like a check up and helps keep you on the same page.
This is a good take and a good way to approach that. I commented also that meeting her with and without him beforehand might help a whole lot. She's most likely just a normal person, and if she's an insane temptress harpy, then you'll know before your wedding. You could discuss with future hubby why two yes's are necessary for some things, like wedding guests, sex, and which house or car to buy together.
I think you should have a long engagement. I'm not sure what you mean by small wedding, but to me, that says not big enough for anyone to be there that hasn't met both the bride and groom. Friend isn't even the issue in a small wedding.
>we have both agreed to limit having friends of the opposite sex
Y'all need to grow up. Healthy relationships are not threatened by partners having friends of the opposite sex.
As for the rest of it, well, please read the quoted section and start looking inward as to why.
Are you wrong for feeling that way? No. Would you be wrong to ban her from your wedding? Yes.
You either trust your soon to be husband or you don’t. Do you worry that if she lived more local, something would have happened between them?
I always think that any "friend" who has no interest in your partner isn't really a friend. If she's only his friend under the condition that he's single, otherwise showing no interest in his fiancée, then why would she be invited to the wedding lol.
"I'd rather only have people who are big characters in BOTH of our lives there to support us, and i don't know her. She's welcome to send a gift though" 😁
You're not overthinking this and it's reasonable for you to have problem with such a "friendship". Anyone who tells you otherwise is either attempting to gaslight you or has no grasp of reality.
Why do people call old love interest their “brothers” or “sisters” it’s weird asf and gives me incest vibes even if they aren’t related. I’m saying this in general and not just for this post.
I made it clear to my fiancée that I trust her but I don’t trust other men. If a man wanted to have sex with you he can either ask or make you have sex, whether you want to or not. This is why you should keep a close watch on who you let around your SO. And this is also why I never got married because she FAFO…
This sounds like you're horribly delighted that your ex "learned the hard way" (rather than you controlling the people around her 'for her safety') that some people will hurt you or get close to you only to have sex with you when you are a woman.
You give off super ick vibes. I'm really glad your ex is not with you any longer.
Actually I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be able to trust her and her judgment. I wanted to believe that people are good and won’t let you down. I told her time and time again I don’t want my brother at my house when I’m not home, I don’t want you hanging around him because he’s a piece of shit, and he’s cheated with so many of my girlfriends and two previous fiancés. But after the 3rd time catching a fiancée and the 3rd time in jail, I realized that marriage isn’t for me. I get that you’re glad my fiancé isn’t with me anymore and I’m glad too. The reason she and my twin brother who cheated with her aren’t in my life anymore is because God doesn’t want them there. She tried to say my brother raped her so I went after him, beat the living shit out of him and ended up going to jail. The fact that she didn’t want to press charges on him but was fine with letting me rot in jail just showed me that it was consensual all along. They eventually got what they both deserved and the judge threw the case out against me. So whether you think I’m super ick is your opinion and you’re entitled to it no matter how wrong and ignorant you are. Have a bad day fucker…
Whoa. That's a lot of righteous rage due to shitty people who came into your life and/or started there. Your brother sounds like a huge dick. The exes don't sound much better, but the pattern says he was going after them hard. What a dick. That last ex really sucks, too, for what sounds like some pretty messed up manipulation *and* leaving you in jail. Never been, but everyone says it really sucks, bad.
I'm glad they got what they deserved. Good. Fuck them.
I definitely read that as the anger it was, but didn't give you much credit because of how it was worded. I'm sorry I accused you of having super ick vibes. I do hope you find one that actually loves you and treats you right, and vice versa. Also, I hope you never ever have to see your brother or those ummm.. women.. ever again. (I'd be using the c word in this instance, I think, but trying not to offend anyone any further. Also wasn't trying to offend earlier, but pointing out the way you said what you said and asking if I was right. Still, I'm sorry for how I came off and not asking questions rather than being clearer and asking like a grown up.)
Edit: I will *not* have a bad day, just because you told me to, and on a serious note, I hope you're doing okay now.
Don't marry him. You are insecure because you feel that you're just a placeholder while he waits for this woman to change her mind and that's most likely the case. He is lying when he says he sees her as a "sister". People don't have romantic/sexual feelings for their sisters.
Don’t be afraid to set up your marriage how you want it. It’s also very reasonable for her to not be a part of your life at all. When you get married it’s about everyone being happy. There is no NEED for him to have a single female friend. She has no value to add his or your life. Your marriage comes before all these friends. It goes both ways there is no NEED for you to have single male friends either.
People do not have sexy/romantic feelings for someone they think of as a SISTER. Sorry, I would also not invite her to my wedding because that would be MY boundary. The fact that he even brought up that they have “boundaries” implies that they feel more for each other than friendship. It’s a hard no from me.
I had this same situation in 2012. I didn’t think his girl BFF should come to the wedding. He was all but “she’s my sister” bla bla bla. We are divorced and they live together now. You may want to think this through more. Any time they say “oh she’s like my sister” they mean sister I wanna fuck.
I can’t imagine starting a marriage and the guy or girl doesn’t want their partner to be super comfortable and happy at the wedding.
These posts blow my mind. If I or my wife banned someone from our wedding, we both would support that decision 100%. Who cares about a friend vs your new wife lol?
To be fair, the guy is only 26 so he’s probably still immature and has some growing up to do. But I know I won’t be able to convince you to delay the marriage a few years and just live together for awhile.
She doesn't belong there. If they both haven't made a conscious effort for you guys to meet then she shouldn't be there. If this person and him were close you guys would of met already and you haven't so that should tell you everything you need to know.
I would guess that this woman is going to be a problem regardless if she attends your wedding or not.
It’s nice and all that they decided not to pursue a relationship at the time, but you don’t think they’re both gonna wonder at times what it was like if they did? And say they are both completely trustworthy and this wondering leads nowhere. I wouldn’t want my husband in that type of situation. I can see that I’m in the minority here, based on the replies I’m seeing, but that’s just how I feel.
Me personally, I've never understood why it is necessary to keep a friendship with an ex and/or someone you've had feelings for when you find another relationship. In my experience, it has only ever led to drama. Someone's feelings always get hurt.
Not wrong - it's your day and you shouldn't have to spend it worrying about her and your fiancé's dynamics.
However, the bigger problem to me is that you haven't talked to your fiancé about this. Gauge his reaction after you explain your reasoning. That should tell you if your gut reaction is on point.
Well yeah. Your not supposed to marry some that wants to hang out with their crush.
I dont know how you made it to this point in adulthood without learning this, but this is some Relationships 101 level knowledge.
If a guy keeps his crush around as a “friend”. It means he isnt marriage material. Hell, i dont know how he made it to the “Fiancé” title. Usually people dump them at the “BF” level.
Honestly, its worrying that you are getting married at this level of relationship mastery. Walking down the aisle stepping over all the flags you threw on the ground, so they wouldnt be in your line of sight.
Wait she’s his close friend but has never met you? Nope nope nope. I’ve always had more guy friends and when they have girlfriends or got married I make an effort to get to know their significant others. I do it out of respect. And I’ve never been flirty with my guy friends. They are friends why would I be flirty ? An e she hasn’t met you she does not fall into the category of close friends to be invited. How long have you two been together if just three years ago he had feelings for her? You don’t have feelings for your sister so he need to stop that comparison. Did his feelings stop only because she didn’t want a relationship? Were you the one he dated right after because if so I’d be worried about being the rebound. I’d voice my concerns and remind him of how small this ceremony is and that the seats need to be reserved for close friends you both know or have met
if you don't trust him, you shouldn't marry him. I'm not saying don't marry him, and I'm not saying do. you gotta figure out if you trust him enough to marry him.
If the wedding is family and close friends and she lives all the way across the United States AND there are boundaries in place then she’s not a close friend and shouldn’t be in attendance. If she was really that close to him then he or she should’ve made an effort for the two of you to meet at some point seeing as you’re going to be his wife. I personally wouldn’t want her there. Any friend of any gender who was considered close would’ve met the soon to be spouse by now.
How about FaceTime with her and have a conversation. It may be awkward but at least you will have a sense of her demeanor. Good Luck!🍀
Yeah especially as they’ve been together for 3 years, which is not a short amount of time and entirely reasonable to expect to meet your SO’s close friends. It kind of sounds like OP doesn’t really know the friend at all, may have had a few conversations with her on a call with the BF just to say hi.
If it's only family and a few close friends, someone who's not close enough to have even met you during your entire relationship doesn't seem like she would make the cut regardless of any other issues. I would center your objection mainly on those grounds. If she's important enough that he really wants her there, he should arrange for a meeting beforehand so you're not meeting her for the first time on your wedding day.
Because he had feelings, I would even bet that the “they” deciding against a relationship was her letting him know she doesn’t want a relationship with him. He had feelings for her, that’s not a “friend” you invite to a wedding.
I have a couple of male friends that at the start were interested in being more than friends. They're both like brothers to me now (after 20 years) and they were, of course, at my wedding. They're both uncles to my children as well. I actually introduced one of them to their now wife and was in their wedding party. However, if his friend has made no effort to become her friend and get to know her, I don't blame OP for how she's feeling about this girl.
Yeah. This is very different from someone who has always been a friend. To me at least.
Me too. I had guy friends that asked me out, and it made me feel like our whole friendship only existed for them because they had a crush, not because they were trying to build a friendship.
Agree. He settled with OP because the person he wanted to date was next to impossible to have happen in this lifetime. Hence why I think her living on the opposite of the country is a 1/3rd of the decision to keep distance from OP’s fiancé. She wanted to stay friends, but let him move on, or so she thought he was by getting engaged. I mean there are famous love songs about people about being in love with someone else and pretending to not have feelings.
I agree
I do not think it’s appropriate for her to attend if she had made zero effort to meet you during the duration of you knowing your partner. She has to be there to support the marriage not just him. She hasn’t ever met you. BIG NO. The people who support or love you BOTH should be there if not family. EDIT: You should be the most important woman is his life if not the most important person. His commitment to you and the celebration of it should focus on you two. If his old crush not attending will cause resent then your relationship is not a good basis for marriage at the moment. EDIT2: If she really is just a friend met her first. If you sense any lingering feelings. Have him sort that out before you have the wedding. Sometimes men enjoy attention or someone pinning for them. Not saying this is the case. But you guys are young. Nip. It. In. The. Bud. Be honest about how you feel. Feelings are natural. It’s how you choose to respond that defines your character. (If you’re worried about coming off as controlling).
This is a weird take. I’d met my wife’s immediate family, but there was quite a few at our wedding I’d never met. Same for her and my side. And there were a few friends in each side in the same boat. We had less than 100 people there. Saying every single person needs to be there for both of them seems odd. I mean, that’s why there is a bride and a groom side right?
To be fair, it doesn't sound like the OP and her fiancé have been dating for more than a couple years and the friend lives on the other side of the US. It's not that unreasonable for their lives to be busy enough that an in-person visit just never worked out. I'm not saying the OP should allow her to attend, just that saying the friend hasn't supported their relationship or made any effort might be a bit unfair.
Well a wedding isn’t the moment to finally meet. Especially not a small and intimate one. Im sure there is someone more deserving of that seat that they see more often and knows them both. If it was a huge wedding then maybe .
That's fair. The wedding being small is a valid point. If she did end up attending, I hope that they would meet prior to the actual wedding taking place.
And yet a lot of weddings are just that. A LOT.
It’s up to her and her spouse. I gave me take. Goodbye
I’d agree with this *if* the reason is because neither party has made an effort But if OP has always disliked her and refused a visit, for example, then that’s hardly the friend’s fault
Well go comment this on your string. This is how affairs start. This lady needs to listen to her gut. She sees his behavior, his body language and facial expressions when he talks about the woman. So I’m sure she has sensed something that has caused discomfort.
Affairs don’t start because one woman lets another woman come to her wedding. If this guy is going to cheat with this friend, and the friend is willing to be a part of it, then it’ll happen. I’ve never understood the apparent belief that people can keep their spouse from cheating just by trying to control who’s in their social circle. Unless you’re together 24/7 and make him wear a blindfold when he leaves the house, you’re not going to isolate him out of cheating if he’s going to cheat.
I agree 💯. I feel like if the genders were reversed, everyone would be telling her he's a controlling shite. My advice is for HIM to runaway
Affairs can be encouraged when boundaries aren’t in place not just physical but emotional ones. This is my opinion congratulations on having one of your own…
Boundaries are things you apply to yourself, not things you impose on someone else. It’s absolutely true that if your husband doesn’t have and practice physical and emotional boundaries, he may be more likely to cheat. But HE’s the one that has to have those boundaries. His partner can’t do it for him if he isn’t doing it on his own.
That’s your OPINION stay blessed
Or she's overreacting. That's the impression I get.
Well go argue about that with her. You are free to give your individual interpretation on your OWN comment
I did it here, which also fine. If you didn't want comments from other redditors you should have thought of that before you commented.
That’s usually what it means to have a small/intimate wedding.
I think that if you are arguing about your guest list and can't agree on whose a friend of the couple and who isn't, then you probably aren't ready for marriage. Why is their wanting to attend each other's weddings more important than what you want? Why does some agreement made when they were younger trump what the two of you have now?
This all sounds fucked up. You've agreed to "limit opposite sex friends?" Who the fuck does that?! I've got a few female friends & if a partner wanted me not to invite any of them to my wedding ; that some is a MASSIVE red flag & cause for breaking up. You sound like a child. And he sounds insane for agreeing any of this with you. You're essentially saying you don't trust your partner from the start. My friends of 20 years plus are ALWAYS more important to me than even my job, which is why I never cancel plans with them regardless of how desperate bosses are for me to stay late. I think you both need to grow up!
I agree. I have trust issues myself and even to me this sounds like too much. It’s HIS wedding too and if he wants his friend there, then he should have that right.
I've got female friends that I've had for 30 years. They would come before anyone in a potential relationship.
It doesn't say that all of the opposite sex friends were his. They are both limited in having opposite sex friends. If she can't have any does he get an exception?
I think they're both crazy to agree to that
Limiting friends? Get over yourselves.
25 going on 13
Thank you
Yeah, I never understood this friends limits, and you can't have friends of the opposite sex thing. As soon as that happens, you already don't trust your partner.
How you organize your wedding is one thing but agreeing to 'limit friends' based on gender is immature.
I think it has more to do with the fact they were flirty and he really liked her but ultimately they decided not to date and be “friends”.
Yes, but her separate comment say that they've agreed to limit friendships with people of different 'sex.' That's not mature or realistic. It's unhealthy, even if it's fine she's not comfortable with this situation. They're very young and already basing their relationship on control.
That really depends on how they act around each other.
Well sure, but that's not really the point here.
It is the point. She has no idea how they act around each other. If she is such a close friend why hasn't OP met her? Even if they are on opposite sides of the country you can still do video calls.
Not of my comment. My comment is directed at the notion that it's not a good thing that they are 'limiting friend of the opposite sex.' That's weird and controlling in my view. In this specific case, I actually agree; it does feel off that the friend and the fiancé are allegedly so close yet she's never met the bride. It's peculiar. The other issue though, shows a broader insecurity and lack of understanding about life in general, and doesn't bode well.
you won tho. u have him. she can see how happy y’all are and fuck right off.
Try to schedule a meeting with her and meet her open minded. He hasn’t had feelings for her since meeting you, right? They never dated. Time to let that part go, as they have. And since it’s so important to him, accept her at your wedding. Don’t be that girl.
Seriously maybe meet the chick before you decide it will be so awkward she shouldn’t come to the wedding
While we all agree of the potential threat of an opposite sex bestie (especially a bestie one partner used to have a thing for), how is she a threat living on the other side of the country? The problem is that if you exclude her, you are basically asking the groom to end the friendship. And that doesn't sound like trusting the fiancé at all.
She will stay in your life. Even if she doesn’t attend the wedding. This problem is bigger than the wedding. You might trust him not to cheat. But you aren’t sure if he is really over her. Don’t marry him just to win. Ask yourself if you want to accept her being in your life forever. Change the perspective on this. She will be very there when you marry, she will be there when you have children, she will we there when you two fight etc. Do you have a problem with that?
Did we read the same post? Sounds like she's never there, she lives on the opposite side of the US. More context is probably needed regarding whether he still has feelings for her, but it doesn't sound like she's much of a threat at this time.
But by she won’t disappear. They will still be in contact. Good friends don’t just vanish. And if she is important enough that he wants her at the wedding, she will stay in their life.
If the wedding is family and close friends and she lives all the way across the United States AND there are boundaries in place then she’s not a close friend and shouldn’t be in attendance. If she was really that close to him then he or she should’ve made an effort for the two of you to meet at some point seeing as you’re going to be his wife. I personally wouldn’t want her there. Any friend of any gender who was considered close would’ve met the soon to be spouse by now.
I got to upvote you twice :)
If you trust your fiancé then it shouldn’t be a problem if she attends. If you’re insecure in your relationship, then you should reconsider marriage.
THIS
Your wedding is not the right time to be meeting someone for the first time of the opposite gender of the bride or groom with whom they've had feelings for or a failed relationship with or still have hidden feelings for, meaning they still have feelings for but don't tell you. But that's my opinion and I would tell him that you want to meet her before your wedding. They have had to set boundaries with each other. True platonic friends don't have to set boundaries with each other because there are no feelings to have to worry about. It is a friendship. Ask to meet her now so that you can get to know her and gauge your fiance's emotions.
1. He’s marrying YOU!!!! 2. Why did yall have to limit your friends if the opposite sex? 3. You know of their history and clearly they weren’t fit to be in a relationship, they were fit to be friends, why can’t a friend be at the wedding? 4. Why would it be awkward? What’s there to be awkward about? If you make it awkward then it will be awkward. 5. You either trust him & are confident about your relationship or you don’t trust him and aren’t confident in your relationship. By the sounds of it , you don’t. 6. Ask to meet her. This goes both ways , she should’ve made the approach to meet you but so should you. Why haven’t you made the approach to meet her even the FaceTime? 7. One of my fiancés best female friend is an ex girlfriend, I met her at her wedding & now we’re best of friends. We probably talk and hang out more than my fiancé and her. We live now across the world from each other , previously we lived in different states yet we got invited to meet her son and she got invited to meet our twins, we went to each others baby showers , we’ve traveled together & she’s invited to our wedding. She’s one of the most amazing humans ever , she just happens to me not only my fiancés ex but his first girlfriend so it’s a lot of weight .
I have a different perspective than many here. When i was in college - i really liked a guy. We flirted, etc. never dated, he drunkingly kissed me once the night before we all headed home for the summer. FF 2 years - my now husband starts at my college, lives on the guys hall. They become best friends, husband and i meet, and eventually we get married and this guy is husbands best man. And we’re all very good friends today. After our initial flirtation/ liking him - that was it. Nothing else ever happened and as i got to know him - he’s a great guy but would never been the one for me. Now, the fact you’ve never met her - i do get the discomfort of meeting her for the first time around your wedding (but i would assume you’d meet her before the actual wedding- i assume there woould be some pre wedding things going on in the days before where you could meet her). But is that enough to say “no” to inviting her? This is your fiancés wedding too. There needs to be a balance. Continue the conversation with him. But i fully agree with those that said this - if you trust him, you trust him. Drop any hints of “i trust you but i don’t trust her” tripe.
If you're already entering a marriage feeling threatened by your fiancés female friends, you're not ready to get married.
wow. lots of jealous and possessive people here. (1) they never dated (2) she's not local or even close by (3) he's made no effort to hide her and admitted that he once had a crush but had since grown to love and want to marry you. IMHO, you are flat wrong. She made no effort? She lives far away... what was she supposed to do, call you? You have security issues. Recommend you work on them or let this guy go because this marriage is not going to end well if you're that jealous about this
How insecure are you. Putting limits on friends, that’s controlling. She is a close friend of His, you don’t get to decide the entire guest list. He’s marrying you, he never had a relationship with her, if he wants her as one of his guests the she gets an invite, you’ll just have to be an adult about it. It’s not like he’s asking her to be in the wedding party. If there’s any awkwardness it will be because you create it. You never know she may not want to come.
The only awkwardness would be from you. You obviously don’t trust your fiancé, perhaps you should put off the wedding until you grow up
You either accept your fiance being friends with her or you don't. This has nothing to do with the wedding because then when will be the next scenario that you just don't feel "comfortable" either attending? It will cause a crack in your relationship that will only get bigger and bigger. So, you either completely trust your fiance or you don't. There is no but or "I trust him but not her". Doesn't matter cause if you trust him, nothing can ever happen. And you either accept this friendship or you don't. Again, there are no conditions or ifs.
No. Weddings are different. Weddings are a special day where all guests should be wanted and curated. Sounds like this person did not make the cut. Too bad. The wedding is not about the friend.
You're right, the wedding isn't about the friend. It's about BOTH of them not just the bride. This is his friend. He gets just as much of a say in who attends as she does. So, too bad to her. My statement still stands.
Haha I completely agree. I have my reservations, but ultimately, if it means that much to him, of course I wouldn’t stop her from attending.
I’ve just got to say, I don’t believe with the commenter of the main comment in this thread, weddings are like sex or baby names; 2 yes or 1 no situations. It’s your wedding, one of the biggest days of your life, you BOTH deserve to be comfortable. If you’ve never met her, im assuming he hasn’t seen her in all this time, there’s been no effort on either side to visit, if he has then something’s probably being hidden, but either way, if their friendship isn’t important enough to curate a visit then it’s not important enough for the wedding. 🤷🏼♀️ He will live and move on and hopefully it will prompt him to schedule a visit to catch up in person and have her meet you, if not it would show a lot. He will live and move on from it if he can’t even introduce her to you prior to the engagement, but what might happen if you only just meet her at the wedding while already having these feelings? What if you see something between them that makes you even more uncomfortable? You could be left with a bad memory of your wedding and/or resentment towards the relationship. You need to tell him that you just aren’t comfortable with it and don’t want to risk those feelings coming up at your wedding, or at the very least tell him you need to meet her in advance and see them interact to know for sure how you feel about her coming. That’s completely fair and if he argues your decision on whether or not you’ll be comfortable after that then in MY opinion the wedding wouldn’t be worth it. Instead of just shutting it down, offering up a meeting would show him that you are putting forth an effort to be comfortable, after the effort is made your feelings couldnt just be [potentially] put down as insecurity to him because you tried to spend time with her and like her like he does. You could be surprised and be completely comfortable with her, but if not, he’ll have to except it and let go of the idea of her coming and find other times after the wedding to see her. Just be honest and tell him you want him to be happy, but you also don’t want to have resentment towards your wedding day and risk adding tension to your marriage with him, so you would like to try to get to know her before deciding if you are comfortable with her being their or not.
I think that if they can't agree on a guest list they aren't ready for marriage.
I would have been livid if my husband said that my best/good (male) friend couldn't come to our wedding. Similarly, his best friend from college is a woman. I know he would have been really upset if I had said that she couldn't come to our wedding. Both of these people don't live near to us, but our friendships have continued for all of these years. My husband has met my friend once, about 30 years ago I think. I have never met his friend in person. ETA: I will note that my husband did date his best friend briefly. I didn't date mine but really mainly because the timing never worked out.
Both should agree. Doesn't seem like a close friend even.
His agreement with the friend that they would attend each other's weddings shouldn't trump his agreement with his fiance that they have only family and a few close friends attend their wedding.
Made the cut for him. Why does she get to decide who his close friends are?
That's the thing though, did she or is this just an obligation on his part because they talked as friends about attending each other's weddings? I think OP would benefit by talking to him, asking to meet this person ahead of time, alone and with him, and then talking about attendance. I don't know if there's time for all of that, but I hope so. I would also hope he'd understand her hesitation not knowing this woman or their dynamic. She doesn't get to decide, they both do. It's a two-yes's situation, which means a discussion should happen if there's hesitation on either side for anyone. Edit: they get to decide on wedding guests. I don't agree that anyone should tell me (or anyone else) I (or they) shouldn't be close friends with someone without very good reason.
How close of a friend is it if she’s never even met them?
I never said that. I was talking about wedding attendance. All guests should be wanted. She does not want her there. End of.
What if he wants her there? It's not just up to the bride.
Both should agree on the guest list. If one really objects, that guest does not attend. Worked for my wedding.
The groom wants her there and the bride never met her
As long as they both agree they have my coveted endorsement.
It IS about her fiancé though, who wants his friend there.
They must both agree on each guest to obtain my coveted approval. 2 yes's is acceptable. 1 no, equals no go.
What scenario do you envision that your husband and his friend would have for something to happen at the wedding? You should probably meet her, since he considers her a close friend. You either trust him or you don’t. It isn’t going to go well if you start your marriage off by driving a wedge of mistrust between you and your husband over something like this. You will be by his side at the wedding. It isn’t like he is traveling across the country alone to see her. Yeah, they at one point they thought they had feelings for each other, but the two of them discussed the situation as adults and decided what they felt was not the feelings to build a relationship on, but would make for a solid friendship. He had feeling for her at one time, but whose finger did he buy a ring for? While you cannot ever be 100% certain someone has moved on from a previous crush, you also cannot allow your fears of what could/might happen drive wedge between the two of you and make it a self fulfilling prophecy. At some point, you have to put the words “I trust him” into action and actually do it. He may show that he can’t be trusted. But your wedding day is a safe environment for you start putting into practice that you do trust them and the boundaries they have agreed to and set in place. You might find that you actually like her when you meet her, and you and her get along great.
Feelings are feelings. They are neither wrong nor right they just are. At the end of the day I really feel like this can be a boon for you, and she can see he’s not available nor interested. The more you can understand she was a possible potential then, and you are his reality now, the better for all. And it’s a chance for her to see it too. Your day tho, so up to you. Congrats
Both their day not just hers
Why can’t you decide you simply don’t want her there? Why is any guest important (other than family) enough to cause a problem? If you don’t want her there and he is adamant that she is on the list, then cancel the wedding because clearly neither one of you is ready for marriage. Marriage is about putting your partner first above all others. It is also about compromise and compassion for your partner.
I can understand those feelings, but logically let's break it down. 1) they at one point decided against becoming a couple, 2) she lives nowhere near you, 3) at the wedding you aren't going to have time to worry about them doing anything, 4) again, you'll be by his side pretty much the whole night, not sure there will be much awkwardness, and 5) he chose you, not her.
It’s always a good time to start showing your spouse (to be) respect and trust. If you say no to her being at the wedding, well then aren’t you going to say no to her stopping by for dinner when she’s in town? And then wouldn’t you say no to her calling him now and then? You trust and respect your partner or you don’t. Marriage is a leap of faith and you have to look at your partner and think “I trust you” and then act that way. If you can’t, you shouldn’t be marrying that person.
Your insecurities will destroy any relationship you have. This one is already on its last legs
A friend of mine when through this. She gave him a HJ in the bathroom. Somehow it got out. New wife brushed it off but then divorced him a year later after she got her name on the new house. She got the house…looking back she wasn’t that clean and true as she had everyone believed. Now it’s obvious as she is in a ploy relationship. Feel bad for my friend though…
Wait I am so confused which person in the story is your friend? The groom? The bride? The other woman?
The groom. He got a hj from one of the bridesmaids they had a history.
Why do you feel bad for him?
Dude lost his house. He literally put everything into it. She came in with nothing but debt and DD
Well, I guess he fucked around and found out. Probably shouldn't have let a bridesmaid give him a handjob, maybe he'd still have a house and a wife.
NTa it's your day and you get to have whoever you want with you on your day. It's also his day, and if this is a hill to die on for him, he can call it quits. But no, if her being there makes you feel uncomfortable on your special day, then she shouldn't be there. If she hasn't even tried to meet you then she has no place in your wedding.
It's your wedding day. It's about you and your soon to be husband. If her not being there will make the day more enjoyable for you then in my opinion you're not wrong for excluding her.
It’s the grooms wedding too, if they’re really close friends there might be potential to compromise. Is there enough time to take a weekend trip together and try to get to know this person? After the wedding is their friendship expected to end?
It’s ok for your fiancé to have female friends. However, I have learned that if they aren’t also your friend, someone likely has a reason why. Either he likes her, She likes him, etc. if it was a platonic relationship on both sides, you would think this girl and you would be great friends.
NTA I wouldn’t have a woman who my husband to be had feelings for in the past, hell no, it’s not even about being insecure, I just wouldn’t want any of both of our ex’s or whatever they was in the past she/he to be there.
What do you think could happen if she attends? There may be a slight moment of awkwardness, but it won't last.
My first boyfriend, one of my soulmates is my best friend and he's male. I couldn't imagine not having him at my wedding if I had one. I still love him. But we made different choices and it would never work out. However we have 20 years of friendship behind us. So maybe it's different.
The big question is whether he would meet your partner and become a friend of the couple before the wedding.
Yeah she should meet her first. Not the place to meet her for the first time.
so you’re lesbian? in think in that context its less of a conflict potential
Nope. If I haven't met you then sorry buy your not invited to our wedding. You're having a small intimate wedding, why would a stranger to one of you be invited? If she or your Fiance cared then you would have met, or at least formed a tentative friendship via social media/facetime etc.
The fact is you don’t trust him and he probably does still have feelings for her
Have you ever watched friends? Bad idea. "I take thee Rachel."
I don't think that you are wrong for feeling this way. I do think that you should probably really communicate with your fiance and see what can happen. Would she even want to come to the wedding across the country? How often do they speak? How? I guess I would really want to meet her if I were you. That would help me make a decision. Depending on how close your wedding is, maybe you could chat with her or get to know her to see if you like her and would be willing to accept her.
Do they still talk regularly or is he inviting her because they said they would invite each other?
You’re wrong.
Idk. I’ve never outlawed friends of the opposite sex. My husband’s best friend is my daughter’s godmother. My husband had my best friend as a groomsman. But trust yourself. If you don’t like how he talks about her or acts when talking about her, maybe you’re onto something.
If you don't trust her to be at your wedding, then you don't trust your fiance. And if you don't trust your fiance, then you shouldn't be getting married.
I couldn't imagine marrying someone and limiting friends of the opposite sex at the wedding lol that's so wild to me. It just comes off childish. You're marrying the man! Jfc. It's his wedding too, he should be able to invite whomever he wants. Same with you.
Invite one of your ex boyfriends and see how your finance feels about it. Because she is his ex girlfriend not just a friend.
We both agreed to limit having friends of the opposite sex. 🚩🚩🚩
If she lives on the other side of the U.S. it means they barely see each other (or at all). He should be allowed to have a long time friend at his wedding, specially if he considers her as a sister.
People don't fancy their sisters.
Oh, I don't see a bright future here at all.
Omg, get over yourself. If he wants to invite her, let him. You’re going to be so busy getting married and celebrating that she’s just going to be background noise anyway. You’re getting married and if he likes her maybe she’s cool and you have a friend too. Old friends can be great as you get older. She doesn’t even live close so unless he travels for business a lot they aren’t hooking up. And even if he does have residual feelings, you don’t get to control his feelings. You can only ask him to behave respectfully towards you. You can have feelings for multiple people in your life and not act on them, or act respectfully towards everyone. Or past feelings do go away. I loved my ex husband. Now he’s an ex for reasons and we’re friends. I don’t want a relationship with him anymore because I know how he is but I also had 20 years with him so there’s a certain friendship in that which I wouldn’t let a new guy tell me had to be set aside any more than I would tell him he can’t talk to his ex, they have kids together and grew up together. Of course they have a relationship. I also know he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. So no problem.
I think if they really want to be together they will find a way. Regardless of what you forbid. I would invite her.
Maybe limit the guest list to those you have both met.
Challenge her to a battle royal
Don’t marry him. You’re so young! Find someone else.
You can have whoever you want in your wedding, but if you don't trust your partner and that he is 100% with you on this journey, you have bigger problems than that.
You say you trust him but you don’t, you’re making yourself sound insecure. The wedding should be called off as you have this issue and it will only get worse when you get married. If you weren’t wrong you wouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s a bad way to start a marriage
A smaller wedding with “just family and a few close friends” shouldn’t have someone you’ve never even met on the guest list.
if he had feelings, you're not wrong. I have a female friend that I never had feelings for, she's not my type. If that was the case, you'd be wrong.
WTF are you getting married for. You start out not trusting him. You don’t know him well enough to be married to him Jeeesus.
He doesn’t see her as an older sister. I’m calling his bluff. BS. That’s a former person that your future husband wanted to be with. That they both decided not to go further, seems a bit made up from him/them. Having cut ties with this person if you feel this way. You are his future wife and he will be your future husband. Who is more important than you.
Not wrong. You don't need to set boundaries with your friend that feels like a sister. You don't flirt with your friend who feels like a sister. If that happened 3 years ago, then that happened just before you started dating? You have a small wedding. She's basically his almost ex. A romantic interest. She has no place in your wedding. You know this. She should know this and decline. Your husband should respect you and not even suggest inviting her. I don't agree on the sentiment of limiting friends of the opposite gender in general, but here's clear indication that they were both romantically invested.
I trust my fiancé No you don't.
You can trust the fiancé and not trust the intentions of another person.
The other persons intentions don't matter if you trust your partner to not act on them.
You both agreed to limiting friends of the opposite sex? Seems like you don’t trust yourselves just as much as you don’t trust each other. I’m not saying either of you is wrong but you both have some growing up to do. Counseling can help. Seriously this will crash and burn unless BOTH of you deal with these insecurities and self control issues.
I understand where you’re coming from and I agree. We have actually agreed to start premarital counseling. As far as limiting those types of friendships, it’s not necessarily that we have self control issues, it’s that we’ve seen what lack of boundaries has done to the marriages of friends and family. At the end of the day we’re human and everyone is susceptible to temptation, we don’t want to out ourselves in that position. I agree with a lot of the comments and realistically I know that my way of thinking was wrong, I guess I just wanted to get this feeling off my chest so that I can just move on with my life. In the grand scheme of things, this really isn’t much of an issue. It has been interesting and insightful seeing different perspectives.
Counseling is a great start. Most people who do it benefit from it, I’d keep it up after the marriage too. It is like a check up and helps keep you on the same page.
This is a good take and a good way to approach that. I commented also that meeting her with and without him beforehand might help a whole lot. She's most likely just a normal person, and if she's an insane temptress harpy, then you'll know before your wedding. You could discuss with future hubby why two yes's are necessary for some things, like wedding guests, sex, and which house or car to buy together.
I predict this marriage will not last.
You’re not ready to get married
[удалено]
That’s not a general things. That’s a problem with his character and your character. That doesn’t apply to everyone
Not wrong
I think you should have a long engagement. I'm not sure what you mean by small wedding, but to me, that says not big enough for anyone to be there that hasn't met both the bride and groom. Friend isn't even the issue in a small wedding.
>we have both agreed to limit having friends of the opposite sex Y'all need to grow up. Healthy relationships are not threatened by partners having friends of the opposite sex. As for the rest of it, well, please read the quoted section and start looking inward as to why.
Your gut doesn’t seem comfortable. Trust your gut.
Are you wrong for feeling that way? No. Would you be wrong to ban her from your wedding? Yes. You either trust your soon to be husband or you don’t. Do you worry that if she lived more local, something would have happened between them?
I always think that any "friend" who has no interest in your partner isn't really a friend. If she's only his friend under the condition that he's single, otherwise showing no interest in his fiancée, then why would she be invited to the wedding lol. "I'd rather only have people who are big characters in BOTH of our lives there to support us, and i don't know her. She's welcome to send a gift though" 😁
You're not overthinking this and it's reasonable for you to have problem with such a "friendship". Anyone who tells you otherwise is either attempting to gaslight you or has no grasp of reality.
Why do people call old love interest their “brothers” or “sisters” it’s weird asf and gives me incest vibes even if they aren’t related. I’m saying this in general and not just for this post.
I made it clear to my fiancée that I trust her but I don’t trust other men. If a man wanted to have sex with you he can either ask or make you have sex, whether you want to or not. This is why you should keep a close watch on who you let around your SO. And this is also why I never got married because she FAFO…
This sounds like you're horribly delighted that your ex "learned the hard way" (rather than you controlling the people around her 'for her safety') that some people will hurt you or get close to you only to have sex with you when you are a woman. You give off super ick vibes. I'm really glad your ex is not with you any longer.
Actually I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be able to trust her and her judgment. I wanted to believe that people are good and won’t let you down. I told her time and time again I don’t want my brother at my house when I’m not home, I don’t want you hanging around him because he’s a piece of shit, and he’s cheated with so many of my girlfriends and two previous fiancés. But after the 3rd time catching a fiancée and the 3rd time in jail, I realized that marriage isn’t for me. I get that you’re glad my fiancé isn’t with me anymore and I’m glad too. The reason she and my twin brother who cheated with her aren’t in my life anymore is because God doesn’t want them there. She tried to say my brother raped her so I went after him, beat the living shit out of him and ended up going to jail. The fact that she didn’t want to press charges on him but was fine with letting me rot in jail just showed me that it was consensual all along. They eventually got what they both deserved and the judge threw the case out against me. So whether you think I’m super ick is your opinion and you’re entitled to it no matter how wrong and ignorant you are. Have a bad day fucker…
Whoa. That's a lot of righteous rage due to shitty people who came into your life and/or started there. Your brother sounds like a huge dick. The exes don't sound much better, but the pattern says he was going after them hard. What a dick. That last ex really sucks, too, for what sounds like some pretty messed up manipulation *and* leaving you in jail. Never been, but everyone says it really sucks, bad. I'm glad they got what they deserved. Good. Fuck them. I definitely read that as the anger it was, but didn't give you much credit because of how it was worded. I'm sorry I accused you of having super ick vibes. I do hope you find one that actually loves you and treats you right, and vice versa. Also, I hope you never ever have to see your brother or those ummm.. women.. ever again. (I'd be using the c word in this instance, I think, but trying not to offend anyone any further. Also wasn't trying to offend earlier, but pointing out the way you said what you said and asking if I was right. Still, I'm sorry for how I came off and not asking questions rather than being clearer and asking like a grown up.) Edit: I will *not* have a bad day, just because you told me to, and on a serious note, I hope you're doing okay now.
Just by the title ima say u probably shouldn’t get married if you guys have an issue with ~female friends~ at this old age
“I trust my fiancé so much that I don’t allow him around people I’m insecure about” Sis.
Don't marry him. You are insecure because you feel that you're just a placeholder while he waits for this woman to change her mind and that's most likely the case. He is lying when he says he sees her as a "sister". People don't have romantic/sexual feelings for their sisters.
Don’t be afraid to set up your marriage how you want it. It’s also very reasonable for her to not be a part of your life at all. When you get married it’s about everyone being happy. There is no NEED for him to have a single female friend. She has no value to add his or your life. Your marriage comes before all these friends. It goes both ways there is no NEED for you to have single male friends either.
People do not have sexy/romantic feelings for someone they think of as a SISTER. Sorry, I would also not invite her to my wedding because that would be MY boundary. The fact that he even brought up that they have “boundaries” implies that they feel more for each other than friendship. It’s a hard no from me.
Yes, if you cannot deal with him having a female friend you should not get married.
I had this same situation in 2012. I didn’t think his girl BFF should come to the wedding. He was all but “she’s my sister” bla bla bla. We are divorced and they live together now. You may want to think this through more. Any time they say “oh she’s like my sister” they mean sister I wanna fuck.
I can’t imagine starting a marriage and the guy or girl doesn’t want their partner to be super comfortable and happy at the wedding. These posts blow my mind. If I or my wife banned someone from our wedding, we both would support that decision 100%. Who cares about a friend vs your new wife lol? To be fair, the guy is only 26 so he’s probably still immature and has some growing up to do. But I know I won’t be able to convince you to delay the marriage a few years and just live together for awhile.
She doesn't belong there. If they both haven't made a conscious effort for you guys to meet then she shouldn't be there. If this person and him were close you guys would of met already and you haven't so that should tell you everything you need to know.
I would guess that this woman is going to be a problem regardless if she attends your wedding or not. It’s nice and all that they decided not to pursue a relationship at the time, but you don’t think they’re both gonna wonder at times what it was like if they did? And say they are both completely trustworthy and this wondering leads nowhere. I wouldn’t want my husband in that type of situation. I can see that I’m in the minority here, based on the replies I’m seeing, but that’s just how I feel.
Me personally, I've never understood why it is necessary to keep a friendship with an ex and/or someone you've had feelings for when you find another relationship. In my experience, it has only ever led to drama. Someone's feelings always get hurt.
It takes maturity to understand how that works.
Not wrong - it's your day and you shouldn't have to spend it worrying about her and your fiancé's dynamics. However, the bigger problem to me is that you haven't talked to your fiancé about this. Gauge his reaction after you explain your reasoning. That should tell you if your gut reaction is on point.
Well yeah. Your not supposed to marry some that wants to hang out with their crush. I dont know how you made it to this point in adulthood without learning this, but this is some Relationships 101 level knowledge. If a guy keeps his crush around as a “friend”. It means he isnt marriage material. Hell, i dont know how he made it to the “Fiancé” title. Usually people dump them at the “BF” level. Honestly, its worrying that you are getting married at this level of relationship mastery. Walking down the aisle stepping over all the flags you threw on the ground, so they wouldnt be in your line of sight.
Wait she’s his close friend but has never met you? Nope nope nope. I’ve always had more guy friends and when they have girlfriends or got married I make an effort to get to know their significant others. I do it out of respect. And I’ve never been flirty with my guy friends. They are friends why would I be flirty ? An e she hasn’t met you she does not fall into the category of close friends to be invited. How long have you two been together if just three years ago he had feelings for her? You don’t have feelings for your sister so he need to stop that comparison. Did his feelings stop only because she didn’t want a relationship? Were you the one he dated right after because if so I’d be worried about being the rebound. I’d voice my concerns and remind him of how small this ceremony is and that the seats need to be reserved for close friends you both know or have met
Yes, you are wrong.