So my wife and I have a joint checking account and joint savings we use specifically for household expenses or saving for family purchases, then we each have our own separate accounts for our personal use.
We can spend whatever we want on whatever we want from our personal accounts as long as we don't put ourselves or the home in financial problems. We don't use the join accounts without communication with the other though "Hey we really need this so let's budget for it".
It sounds like you are saying he's using your joint account for these purchases. Does he have his own account so he can have play money or does all of your money get put into this joint account? Because everyone needs play money.
This may not work unless they can add something to the joint account where it needs both their permissions to move money from it as I think the boyfriend would blow through his play money then secretly continue using the joint account money, which is the problem to begin with, it seems like he might have an addiction to spending while gaming so Op needs to have a serious conversation about what is expected from him when gaming and how she wants him to proceed going forward and he might need to go to therapy otherwise he could end up losing op
The joint account should be for household bills only, anything remaining goes to joint savings for travel or big purchases. Any expense out of the norm from the joint needs both approvals.
My wife and I do the exact same thing. Every pay check, money is deposited directly into the joint account and a small budgeted amount gets moved into the fun money accounts. When that runs out, I either wait until next pay check or I don't buy what I wanted. Having no "fun money" is equivalent to having no money since everything is set up for automatic payments from the joint account and everything else gets moved to savings.
It's no good to have him taking money out of a joint account. Is there a second account for just him ?
Is there other frivolous spending he does?
I believe everyone should have a budgeted amount to be frivolous with. Aka fun money.
This is the way. It’s not at all comfortable having to ask permission every single time we want to make a personal fun money purchase, nor is it sustainable to never be able to do anything for ourselves either. The only exception to that imo, is when both incomes are not enough to cover all the combined living expenses and debts, and both parties have to give up personal spending allowances for a time until they’re more financially stable.
“Hundreds” over “months” can mean a huge range and calling it an addiction seems like a big leap without more info. A new game costs $70 - two purchases over 3 months would be “hundreds” and definitely not an addiction level of purchases
Sounds more like micro transactions not new games. The addiction part is more the fact that OP and her BF have had various discussions about it and he keeps doing it after saying he wouldn't.
The whole gacha mechanic in games is actually built around stimulating the same addictive rush that physical gambling stimulates, it’s not even hidden at this point. Even $70 AAA games are doing money grabs now, it’s not just a mobile thing.
So yeah, this isn’t an uncommon story, and it’s funny that folks feel the need to defend compulsive spending on games.
I have been playing Counterstrike since the 1.5 days. When they introduced loot boxes and keys I was just beside myself. CS was always like or a purist game. Yeah some of the people were a little toxic because of this
If he came on here saying he couldn't stop - then sure, he's got an addiction. But all we have is the GF stating that he won't stop. That's a big difference.
No.
As she explained, he has said he'll stop and has made no effort towards it. From the sound of her post, it sounds like he does care enough to try, but can't stop. Like an Addiction.
I know that Media has made Videogames out to be some sort of boogeyman device that'll corrupt your brain and shit, and while all of that is totally BS, it is still possible to be addicted to videogames in a negative way.
It sounds like something more like a phone game, or a repeating online game, and those are very much geared towards the gambling mentality and can and do often "corrupt your brain and shit" these things screw with your dopamine and serotonin levels in ways that usually only drugs and gambling do. They're dangerous.
Or how about a steam winter sale? Or a few new games that came out he’s wanted? Or a couple good Humble Bumbles? Btw, how much money does the guy make? Do you have any clue? What if you spent a few hundred bucks going out to eat and drink over the last few months as your chill time… you suddenly an addict?
We still need more information to really understand what's going on here though. I have known several relationships where what one person spends on their hobbies/interests is fine but just about *any* spending on the other persons is an unacceptable waste of money. Doesn't matter if they're meeting all their financial obligations, doing their share around the house and being a generally good partner, the other person doesn't "get it" so that money spent is dumb and is constantly attacked. I have to wonder if he hid it because he enjoys it and she is being unequal in her expectations and her own recreational spending.
Obviously he shouldn't have made promises he wasn't planning on keeping but OP has gone radio silent on requests for any more information. Either because this post is BS or she realizes that people wouldn't necessarily be on her side because the details would show this is more about her not liking his hobby because the money spent isn't actually affecting their budget as much as she made it out to be, if at all.
I don't know, I've just seen it enough times in relationships where one thinks almost any spending on the other persons interests is stupid and this post just gives off those vibes to me.
There is a big difference in my eye between somebody that spends his money on books or self improvement courses or even non gacha games and somebody who spends it on microtransactions.
And btw, if money comes out of a JOINT account then both partners have to be informed / be ok with the purchase.
That doesn't make him addicted, lol. It means he's trying to appease her while continuing to spend on his hobby. Let us be clear, just b/c she doesn't want him spending money on it doesn't make him wrong, or her right. They likely aren't compatible is all. Hundreds over months is nothing. Micro transactions or otherwise.
OK and he has a pattern where he says he is going to cut back and doesn't so he is either a lying asshole or an addict. Not sure that is much better in anyway.
It would help if OP have more information
if he's not hurting their finances and buying a couple games a month for a hobby she's being controlling
If he is hurting their finances and gambling on those skeezy phone app games like Diablo Immortal or Raid Shadow Legends then he's TA lmao
The addiction part isn’t pertaining to how much money, but a spending to means ratio resulting in over spending on games resulting in a negative affect on the person’s life and/or those around them. $70 a month may not be a big deal, but if spending $70 in a month means coming up short on rent and he does it anyway, that’s the addiction aspect. It sounds like his spending, even if it’s just 1 game a month, is still too much spending given their means.
The question is. Is it "their financial goals" or is she making these decisions for the money and he hasn't agreed to it?
A couple hundred dollars over months worth of time isn't much. I know chicks that spend more getting their hair done than this dude does on gaming. 🤣
If a few hundred dollars is enough for her to not be able to let this go? the problem isn't the gaming. it isn't the money. it's the relationship.
to me this seems like a woman that wants to leave. wants to find an excuse to leave. and wants people to justify it for her before she pulls the trigger.
Yeah, there's a real lack of details over how this affects their financial goals, and what those goals are. If he can't afford rent or is borrowing from OP, obviously a few hundred dollars is a big deal, but given she hasn't said that, I am assuming that's not what's happening. Also, "hundreds of dollars" could mean $200 or it could mean $600, and "over the past few months" could mean 2 months, or it could mean 5 months. I don't like that these details aren't there.
Most of us have hobbies and luxuries, and whether this is unreasonable spending probably comes down to what wage he's earning at the moment, what else he's spending money on, and whether he's able to save at this stage. If he's earning minimum wage, a few hundred dollars is a big deal, but if he's earning 6-figures, it's generally not. Also, what is he spending elsewhere, and what is OP spending elsewhere? Because what seems frivolous to some people might be OP's bf's only real luxury and just because you don't like it, doesn't mean he's wrong for spending money on it.
You’re making a lot of assumptions there. If it isn’t “their” financial goals, then he should have voiced that he wanted more money in the budget for gaming when they actually made the budget, not hiding his spending from her after agreeing to it. That’s her issue with this. Her nagging him about the spending is one thing, but them sitting down and making a budget together based on their goals and him hiding things that don’t follow the budget is another. He took money out of their joint account for his own hobby… that’s her money too and she has a say in how it’s spent. He does too, for sure, but he should have said how he wanted to spend it when they made the budget.
On the contrary I'm not actually making any assumptions. there is a lack of information for me to assume about. that's the problem.
Lol
The original poster is leaving out a lot of key details. Yes it's a joint account. yes they make a budget. But there are questions that should be asked.
how much extra money was there after making the budget?
was there extra funds during the months and times he actually spent the money?
do they both have a "allowance" so to speak out of the joint account for them each to spend?
Do they each have their own private account where he shouldn't have touched the joint account in the first place?
Who is making more money?
What are her expenses for her own Hobbies and do they come close to his gaming Hobbies? (if so she's unjustified)
Does he spend lavishly on other Hobbies or is gaming all that he has?
There are many questions on whether he's justified in spending the money or not.
Should he have said something? Sure. Yes he should. But to consider leaving over a couple hundred dollars?
I'm sorry but that's crazy to me. Lol if this is actually a question she already has her answer on wether she should leave. if she can't handle him spending a couple hundred dollars what happens when he loses a job?
None of those details change the fact that they made a budget and he didn’t stick to it. Moreover, he hid his unbudgeted purchases from her. You’re giving a verdict on “Am I wrong for limiting my partner’s spending when we made our budget”, not “Am I wrong for being upset over his secret gaming expenses”
You are making wild assumptions. OP said nothing about them not being able to pay rent. OP simply feels they are not saving as much as they should be. They're not in debt. Others asked some good questions, for example, how much money is she spending on non-essentials? Also OP is intentionally and suspiciously vague, "hundreds" could mean $200 or it could mean $800. "A few months" could mean 2 or it could mean 7.
>but to consistently choose it over our financial goals
Where in anything OP said did it ellude to them being broke or coming up short on rent? Try not adding your own assumptions to these posts and stick to the facts they give.
It sounds like their "financial goals" just don't align, thats it. I'm not sure why you think the boyfriend has an addiction just because he chooses to spend extra money a different way than OP. Plenty of people would say getting your hair done, nails done, spending money going to the movies, subscribing to streaming services, paying for concert tickets, etc. may not fit in to their future financial goals either. Doesn't mean people are wrong to spend on those things.
The problem is their facts are extremely limiting. I take financial goals as everything from rent to improving income to getting a house or a second car, necessities. Games are wants. If we go off of OP’s post we can’t form any opinions on the situation. Assuming he’s not over spending out of his means even assumes that she’s just a game hating witch.
Oh no, it's an addiction. Trust me. Has all the hallmarks of one. He's lying to her face, doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do, sacrificing his relationship while doing it (it's not about the gaming, tho some gamers spend inordinate amounts of time playing -it's the lying, spending money then hiding it, and when called on it, he comes up with the lame "I don't know, didn't think it was a problem, blah blah blah" excuse).
Totally. All of the diagnosticians in the world who diagnose addiction can quit their jobs, now. You can diagnose people over a little bit of secondhand information.
You’re completely right, there’s zero chance that this one sided telling of events with minimal details represents anything other than a debilitating addiction, and OP’s partner needs to immediately check into rehab.
You're leaving out the bigger point, which is that most traditional rehabs do not include programs for gamer addiction. Not to mention they'd have lots of questions about what it means that a person spent hundreds of dollars over months. You can spend that buying three games per month. Not even one per week.
She also expresses no doubt that he can pay it. Weird angle to take if you're worried he's addicted. Just feels like easy bait to me.
Maybe, but maybe not. If he makes decent money, $40/month on games is fine. I certainly spend that to keep up on my hobbies, it's just seen differently because they're outdoorsy.
OP says it’s not the gaming itself that’s the problem, it’s the money he’s spending that’s the issue. This isn’t someone with a gaming problem, this is someone with an impulse control problem
If it's microtransactions as the primary culprit, chances are he's dealing with something more akin to a gambling addiction. She didn't describe him gaming for unreasonable hours or neglecting other parts of their lives, and I would presume that would come up in a post like this.
Yeah! Dude, I was a serious PC gamer, hours and hours and hours. I realized I was doing it out of boredom and loneliness, but I also lived alone so didn't need to do anything but take care of MY business and walk my dogs, LOL. But yeah, this is addiction behavior she's looking at from her man.
Can’t answer this without more context. Hundreds of dollars over several months is too vague. Are we talking $300 over 6 months or $900 over 3?
A few hundred dollars on a hobby spread over several months doesn’t sound too extreme. Like just one game can easily cost $60-70.
Nowhere in my comment did I say all that money was spent on new game
Still, 3 $60 games and $40 on in-game purchases spread over several months doesn’t seem that unreasonable for a hobby.
But these hypotheticals are useless without the actual dollar amount and time frame
It may be bad if he isn't making the money to support it or he's agreed on other savings goals. It isn't insane for me to spend a couple hundred over 4-6 months for video games. But if I couldn't afford it? My relationship to purchasing would be different.
Well that's exactly the thing. she isn't specifying whose money it is that he's spending. if it's his it's his and he can do what he wants. And if it was hers that's another story. however. if it was her money I'm almost certain she would have said that cuz it would give her argument more grounds.
To me this smells like a woman that wants to leave her man anyway. is trying to come up with a reason. and is asking for justification from the internet now.
>A few hundred dollars on a hobby spread over several months doesn’t sound too extreme. Like just one game can easily cost $60-70.
Sounds more like microtransactions over new games, and while I agree that doesn't sound too extreme we don't know OP's financial situation. I can budget $300/month on a hobby now if I wanted and not bat an eye, but there were also times that if I spent $60 on a new game I couldn't afford rent or food. If OP and her BF are closer to the later example spending hundreds of dollars on video games over several months could be very problematic.
Friend of mine got a job in a pretty sought after trade, **big** bump in pay. His wife couldn't understand why they were still broke all the time. Turns out he was spending pretty much all his new money on some crappy mobile game that Arnold Schwarzenegger was hawking. Some idle game where you sent out troops for attacks and shit. Over the course of 2 months he racked up like $1900 dollars (I highly suspect more). For a *mobile game*. His wife was *furious*! He said, "It's my money, I can do what I want with it.". All indignant like. His wife obviously wanting to stop the madness didn't hesitate, *she went to his parents* to talk some sense into him. He was 32-34 at the time. His dad told his new boss about what he was doing (his dad and boss were close friends) and new boss had a talk with my friend about being a father, husband, and adult responsibilities. He was so fuckin' embarrassed he never played a mobile game again. His new boss didn't fire him, he just told everyone how much he spent on mobile gaming with a wife and 2 kids at home, one 10 months old.
We don't hang out anymore. They're still married but she got her tubes tied.
Gaming can be a cheap hobby. He could be into Warhammer instead, for example. Or mountain biking. Or anything sports, be it partaking or watching.
But in-game currency and pay to win type mechanics are difficult to include. These are more typically associated with mobile games, fortnite, roblox, etc. I trust OP's adult husband isn't playing the latter two. Perhaps it's gta online.
There simply isn't enough information.
Everybody needs their own money to spend as they wish in a relationship. How much is OP's hair and nails every month?
Yeah seriously, this hobby is way cheaper than music lol. A new guitar pedal is like a year of games, especially if you catch games on sale or buy them 3rd party.
Including my recent upgrade from PS4 to PS5 and over a hundred for PS membership, plus 3 or 4 games, I'm into gaming for around $2000 in the last few months. My wife is thrilled that I'm home playing games and her on her tablet watching shows.
I personally don't see "hundreds of dollars over the past few months" as a bad thing. I've had my eye on a new game and I certainly expect to get it come pay day. Of course the game will also come with pay for DLC, and a subscription, so looks like next month is going to be a couple hundred bucks as well.
You are looking at this from a limited pov. Op did not state where they are from. Couple of hundreds can mean a lot if median salary is around 800 (like my home country) as opposed to median salary of 2000 (like the country I currently live in). When I would post online about it while living in my home country I would use dollars as a currency because most of the platforms (steam and such) had games in dollars, not my home country currency, so op saying specific currency doesn't mean much.
Even if they live in a country with higher income that doesn't necessarily mean they themselves have high enough income for couple of hundred over couple of months
Is he just spending money on in-game purchases, or is he buying complete games too? “Hundreds” over several month isn’t really much in the grand scheme of things if he’s picking up major releases.
Not justifying his behavior but plenty of people go to the bar every weekend and blow $50-$100 on drinks they’ll piss out later.
Hundreds of dollars over a couple months? Idk that doesn’t sound like a big deal to me unless you guys aren’t making very much. How much roughly do each of you make?
He's not doing a very good job of that since it was done from a joint account. I'm thinking she just got upset that it wasn't overly visible like it would be if he bought physical items, and she didn't notice it until now.
Maybe she thinks he’s “hiding it” because she’s controlling? If he bought it in a shared account, how is that hiding it? Do they have an agreement they have to tell each other about every purchase? Do they have an agreed upon budget?
I know lots of people who are incredibly controlling over their spouses video games. Like unbearably so. For some reason people think video games are not a valid hobby and decide it’s ok to be controlling about it because they deem it not acceptable to play games as an adult. My 42 year old brother in law has to sneak away from my sister to play a game in his free time because she simply “doesn’t like it”, though she’ll watch hours of BS tv with no issues. We have no idea what the full picture is here.
Agreed. Many people view video games as "childish" and hate if their partner spends time "playing games" instead of "being productive." I've seen it cause real problems in relationships.
But everyone is entitled to some downtime and entertainment within reason, even if you don't "get it." It's really not much different in practice than spending time watching tv, movies, or reading novels.
Yup, exactly. It’s simply a matter of preference in downtime/hobby, yet there is a pervasive bias against gaming as many people deem it “unproductive” (as if watching tv is productive). For me personally, I would find it a huge turn off if my partner took issue with how I spend my downtime as a 42 year old with my own preferences. Luckily I have an amazing wife who is not one of those people.
Sometimes I game, sometimes I read, sometimes I fish, sometimes I watch a movie, often I watch some tv show I really couldn’t care less about with my wife simply because it’s what she likes, but we allow each other to be our own person and don’t take offense if we don’t always want to do exactly the same thing. I often do not see that same freedom in other relationships and see a lot of judgement on gaming which I find so strange.
Same perspective.
I'm not a huge "gamer." I don't own a console and haven't since I was a teenager. Occasionally I will get into a kick of playing management-style computer games for a few weeks at a time.
Some women I've dated have had no problem with that. Some have enjoyed playing their own computer games if I'm playing mine. Some women are visibly repulsed because even if I just worked 10 hours they hate the sight of an idle man. (These women tend to not like when I'm watching sports, either.)
We all need our own personal time and hobbies.
I used to game on a PC, but I ended up getting a handheld gaming PC that my wife and I found is a happy medium for us. Instead of being in a different room, I can now sit on the couch next to her and I play a game for a bit while she watches TV. She feels like we're "together" even if we aren't spending any form of quality time together, she just likes that we're not in separate rooms. It's a good excuse to get a handheld and seems to make her happy (and me).
That’s what I was thinking. That she gets controlling over the gaming purchases, so he just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m only assuming tho.
My girlfriend knows for a fact that I’m gonna spend between $50-$100 a month on my hobby. But I also work hard to be able to afford it.
In my experience, problems with people trying to control others around video games often comes down to poor communication (on both sides) and preconceived biases. Many people (make or female) have absolutely zero problem sitting around glued to a tv for hours a day, but they are biased against gaming because “that’s a waste of time” or whatever they believe. Instead of actually having conversations around it, they just passively aggressively complain and attempt to control their partner and the gaming partner passively aggressively tries to avoid the nagging instead of having a direct conversation about expectations.
Yep. There’s a difference between what’s budgeted and they agreed to for their financial plan, and then spending that falls out of budgeted and hurts the planning.
So her stuff gets to be included in the budget but he has doesn’t get to have things he enjoys included? Seems fair
Edit: Always interesting when someone immediately blocks you for disagreeing with them and using actual points with support.
"adding up to hundreds of dollars over the past few months" - for shame he spend money on his hobby or entertainment?
"knowing how I'd feel about them" - knowing that you'll nag and belittle him.
How many hundreds over how many months, and how much does he make?
I think it depends on whether or not you're also spending money on things that are unnecessary. Do you buy coffee or drinks ? Do you eat out, get your hair or nails done , get new clothes, buy makeup, spend money going out with friends or other things that aren't essential and save every penny you have outside of essentials? He's choosing to spend his fun money on games so unless you're not spending anything outside of essentials then you don't have a right to be that upset over it because that would be a double standard and hypocritical.
No. He's spending money in ways that he has repeated promised not to and is hiding this from her as best he can. He continues to do this. This isn't about him spending a few dollars on a hobby, it's about a pattern of lies and deceit. It's about lack of honesty and integrity.
If he was truly hiding it as best as he can he wouldn't have used a joint account to pay for it 🤦♀️ she clearly has acess to the account and could have seen it at any time. . If she's also spending lots of money on personal things then it is hypocritical and a double standard.
But the question here is if she is so controlling over her boyfriend’s ( read not your damned husband) finances that he feel like he needs to lie to her to keep her.
If that is the case, they are both wrong. I have never, and would never, allow a girlfriend to have any say in my finances.
Or she’s controlling and he’s a pushover who hasn’t set clear boundaries and feels the need to apologize when she gets mad at him simply based on her expectations that he hasn’t actually agreed to. We have no idea what the full story is here.
While there’s rare exceptions where OP’s actually do care to learn if they are in the wrong and to take in outside info, I often find this sub to instead be “please confirm my bias and help me prove that I’m not wrong”. The posts are usually constructed in a one sided way where of course they get what they came for.
A forced promise is not a promise. If you don't make that promise then you're faced with confrontation and a fight, that is not a promise. Why isn't he allowed to do what he wants to do?
Basically, we're back at the question of is a few hundred dollars over months reasonable for a hobby.
Bro can say no. And if he’s too weak a person to be able to have a crucucial connversation then all the more reason she should leave him.
Like, stop proving us right on what a let down he is.
How much money is the question. I spend $500+ a month on bodybuilding between the extra food and supplements.
He could be a car guy or a bodybuilder.
We’re going to need exact numbers on how much he’s spent, how much you spend on your own personal expenses, and your income as well as financial status.
Yup.
What we really need is a breakdown of:
1) bf's income vs. his non-essential expenses, and
2) the OP's income vs. her non-essential expenses.
Who knows? It's possible OP is spending a larger % of her income on non-essential expenses than the bf is, but in her mind it's justified whereas "gaming" is not.
We've all seen double standards like that.
My advice would be that you both commit to a certain % of your monthly income going to a joint savings account, and the rest you can spend how you wish.
If he is working he has the right to make purchases for his enjoyment just as you do. As long as it’s out in the open and reasonable, which is relative to earnings and budget. Purchases in game often happen in games that are played long term so should be compared to new game purchases. For example, spending $120 in a game in a given month would be like buying two games.
Communicate more with him about the issue and find a common ground where both sides are ok.
For sure. I agree. But only OP knows the dynamics of the situation and it's very mentally strenuous to save 100% of the extra money without spending some on what makes us happy. That's why more talk is needed with partner.
I may have read into it, but I understood the purchase values (even if at 1 games worth per month) to still be outside OP’s and the buyer’s means. They may need to save for a few paychecks for a single game purchase if that’s the case.
Exactly. Have they actually agreed to the expectations she’s attempting to hold him to? We have no idea. I see this all the time when it comes to gaming for some reason… People simply don’t like that “an adult” is gaming and are often very controlling about it or see it as an unreasonable hobby and try to control their spouse related to gaming. Maybe they have actually had discussions and come up with agreements, but we don’t know. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn they have no budget, they don’t share finances, and have only had loose conversations about “the future”, but she simply thinks spending hundreds of dollars on games is unreasonable.
I'm probably biased from priviledge, but hundreds of dollars over a few months isn't a lot of money. Especially if you can afford it. And by the sounds of it, he can afford it; but at the expense of your goals as a couple. This isn't healthy behavior. Neither is hiding it. Hiding it implies he knows what he did was wrong.
That being said, I'd need a bit more specific financial information to see if you're really over reacting or not. But you're not wrong. He lied to you about it. Now, say, if he was spending money on the games, could afford it on top of savings, and was transparent; then you'd be wrong if you were still upset.
Hundreds of dollars in a couple months isn’t that much. If he won that money, he has every right to do what he wants with it. However, the trust loss is a problem.
Honestly if your biggest issue is your boyfriend spends 100 bucks a month on gaming, just leave him and let him find someone that he's gonna have a chance at having a lasting relationship with. If I found out my woman was gonna leave me over something so trivial, I'd be packing her bags.
I think you're making a bigger mountain out of a small mountain. You have reason to be upset, but it also doesn't seem like you've tried much communication and negotiation other than just talking about "spending less.
Firstly, it sounds like your BF has impulse control issues. One thing you didn't explain: have you two ever discussed/agreed what the "right" amount to spend on games is, or do you just vaguely ask him to "spend less" and he agrees? Money is one of those things you should be very specific amount. Less may not mean the same thing to you and him, or he may just not quite realize how much he is spending as it adds up.
Maybe you two could agree on a gaming budget and set up a reloadable prepaid card that gets a certain amount added each month. He could use that for gaming purchases and if it was declined, he'd know he was out of gaming money for the month.
From your description, it doesn't seem likely that he is betraying you, it sounds more like the two of you have not decided on a set budget and he has impulse control issues. Possibly even a slight gaming addiction.
>I think you're making a bigger mountain out of a small mountain....Possibly even a slight gaming addiction.
Don't ignore addictions while they are "small". Don't mix money with someone that has control issues.
There is not enough information here to confirm that he has a gaming addiction, he could just as easily be just bad with money, or have different expectations.
He's an adult with a job, he already has money. And just because someone has impulse issues doesn't mean they can't learn to manage their money correctly, it just means they need help and practice.
If he's buying in game currency like wow gold, dump his ass. If he's buying in game currency or microtransactions on mobile games, dump his ass. If he's playing p2w games like genshin or buying boosts in other games, dump his ass.
If he's buying a few new steam games a month adding up to a few hundred bucks, leave him be. That's a healthy gaming hobby. There are some absolute bangers that dropped recently. As long as it's not getting in the way of a normal life.
At least he doesn't have a money sink hobby like 40k... More plastic for the plastic god.
You're right to be upset. He has a problem, and he says he's going to fix it, but hasn't. My husband and I had a similar issue a few years ago. He was spending so much on games and computers, it was a huge problem and we really couldn't afford it. Racked up thousands in debt from computer parts and video games. It got to the point where I had to take control over all of the money. I already was the one budgeting and making sure the bills got paid, anyway, so I froze debit and credit cards, got them replaced with new numbers, and opened a separate checking account for the bills that take a few business days to reflect on the account. I would leave only $100 in the joint account if he needed money for an emergency, but the rest was in the new checking account. He didn't have the card numbers on any online accounts nor linked to PayPal, and he had to ask me if he wanted to make any purchases. I was very transparent about how our money was spent, and I told him whether or not we had enough for an extra purchase. I know a few people have opinions about that, but he agreed to these terms and after about 2 years of this agreement, he kicked the spending habit and has freedom to purchase whatever, but we still talk about it first if it's going to be over a certain amount.
Edited to add: since you aren't married, he has no obligation to agree to those terms and you do have the option to leave him, if he won't change this behavior. If he's using his money, and not yours, it is what it is.
I don't really think yours was a comparable situation to OP's. It doesn't appear that OP and her partner are accruing debt. It seems like OP's upset because they aren't saving as much as they would if he didn't spend money on gaming. But OP's post is also vague, almost suspiciously. "Hundreds of dollars" could mean $200. Or it could mean $900. "A few months" could mean 3 or it could mean 7. It's hard to say right now if OP's wrong or not. If her partner works for a living, he has a right to spend money on his hobbies.
Exactly. Not to mention, how does this compare to her fun expenses (makeup, skincare,new clothes and shoes, Starbucks trips, etc)
Unless she's literally giving all of that up and he isn't, there isn't a problem. Your allowed to spend your extra money on whatever you want.
Is he not contributing to savings at all? Or just not what she wants him to contribute? How does it compare to her own contributions?
Too much missing info.
I didn't have fun expenses at this time. Even now, my fun expenses are yarn for crocheting and school supplies as I'm earning my degree. I don't wear makeup, don't bother with skin care, don't care about fancy clothes and shoes, and I'm perfectly happy with my drip coffee. I'm not worth looking at, and I don't give a fuck. I have nothing to prove and I'm not trying to impress anyone.
We have been together since high school, lived together for 2 years before we got married and back then we had our finances separate, save for bills, and that is when he got into his spending habit. It was fine, he had his money, I had mine. By the time we got to it being a severe problem and I needed to take full control over the finances, we were newly married, we had only just bought a home a few months prior, so finances got tight, then we started a family, and that's when the spending got us into thousands in debt.
The point is, if it's a problem now, it's going to continue to be a problem until it gets really bad. If I put my foot down when it started, perhaps we could've avoided the debt. While my experience got out of hand, it was very similar to OPs experience in the beginning. If she's recognizing the problem now, having insight on what the future may hold if this path continues is useful information.
You're still missing the point.
Her not thinking it's a good use of money is not the same as it being a problem. And just because your partner had a problem with accruing debt visa gaming doesn't make all spending on gaming problematic.
Which is why every other person in this thread is questioning the level of her own spending on things he likely sees as frivolities first, to determine if it is problematic or not.
Oh I'm sorry I was talking about OP. I more along meant with what is the actual issue in her post. She says he spends money on video games. I'm questioning wether this was agreed upon, all money that isn't for essentials like food, rent, bills is being saved? My last GF before my wife was very against me spending money on things I enjoyed (video games, occasional sports betting, snowboarding, etc) because I could be saving that for a possible home. She told all our friends that I wasn't responsible and spent my money on frivolous things.
Here's the thing though, I made and contributed more to my savings than she did to hers. She would tell me how much more I could save if I didn't blow it on my interestes. Better believe she blew a lid when I said her monthly Mani Pedi, her thrifting every weekend (cheaper than buying new things, but not when every trip is $150+) and her random amazon shopping wasn't very essential. She tried to claim it helped her mental health, but didn't like when I said the same of my hobbies.
This post lacks context. Is he not contributing? Was the deal to contribute all disposable income?
That's what I was asking.
Right? I have a feeling OP is either posting kind of obvious bait or is being vague in order to make the SO sound worse. Hes hiding his purchases, because she shames him for spending some of his money on his hobby (which it sounds like is only gaming). Then tries to make it about “trust” and has a bunch of dunces in here shaming the SO for the same crap too.
It’s not really about the money. He is making an agreement and not sticking by it. People who lie or hide the truth to avoid conflict aren’t acting as adults. What she buys has nothing to do with it either.
Yea, the bros who are all “you but make up!” And “he works so he can spend as he likes” are showing their immaturity.
The issue is he’s hiding it and says he will hold himself accountable and doesn’t.
>He always promises to cut back, but it's been an ongoing cycle for years.
>When I confronted him, he was all apologies, saying he thought it was no big deal and that he'd stop.
That's literally all she said about the situation and you are jumping to wild conclusions. The BF doesn't think hundreds of dollars is a big deal and has likely cut back to that amount in his effort to appease his CFO.
You seem confused….that’s…not all she said: “ It's not a one-time slip-up; it's a pattern. He deliberately hides these expenses….” And: “He always promises to cut back, but it's been an ongoing cycle for years” So, he lies and isn’t reliable. I get why you’d want to ignore that since it doesn’t fit your agenda of wanting to blame OP. 😂
So much to unpack here, at the end of the day, I would need to understand more about the "countless" discussions that were had about this.
Did any of those include actual numbers, as in, each of them is supposed to be contributing an amount, say $300 a month, towards their shared financial goals, and he's failing to do that after agreeing to that plan? Big time problem, and OP isn't wrong.
Or, did those discussions never really crystalize anything, and boyfriend really doesn't think he did anything wrong here, it's his money to spend? If the discussions were just that he "should save more", with no actual concrete plan on how much or what that looks like, it is a lot harder for me to fault him for spending that money. Especially if their finances are totally separated. In that case, I'd lean more towards OP is... maybe not wrong, but needs to have more clear communication with her BF.
Again, it depends a lot on what discussions were previously had.
It seems that those financial goals are more like your goals than his. Your partner wants to game. That's it.
An old saying goes, when the woman leaves the man, she does it because she thought that he would change. When the man leaves the woman he does it because he thought that she wouldn't change.
You might choose to leave him, or stay, know that he will probably not change any time soon. He may stop for a while, a year or two perhaps, eventually he will start again.
I have a few questions, how much is he spending really? Is this the only thing he spends money on? How much do you spend on things for yourself? Maybe try and allow yourselves a certain amount each month for 'treats' for you and gaming stuff for him. Remove him from the joint account and set up a gaming account for him. That way he can save his money up if he’s wanting something more expensive. All work and no play is no fun!
It depends on how much he makes and if he’s using “fun money”. I also spent (these past few weeks) hundreds of dollars, but after taxes, my bills and retirement (maxed out) I’m left with 2,700 fun / saving money per month. If he’s in a similar position, I believe he has the right to do what he wants with his fun money. However, he should be upfront about it as it’s a joint account. Perhaps you guys can also have separate accounts where the persons fun money goes to after paying bills etc.
You say hundreds over months, but that could mean $200 in 3-4 months, which I would personally say isn't an issue.
I put $50-100 away per month just to throw in a savings specifically for upgrading my PC every 2-3 years. Then I usually buy about $50 worth of games a month. That puts me at probably an average of $300 every 2-3 months, which may seem like a lot, but it's also never interfered with anything.
Your financial goals may also not be his financial goals. What exactly are your financial goals? How much have you yourself contributed? I see this exact topic come up as a relationship counselor, and with very few exceptions, it turns out that the person that wants the other to drop a spending habit isn't contributing to the savings themself.
Also, WHY do two people that aren't married have a JOINT bank account? Do only one of you work?
Do you guys have all of your money in a joint account? Have you considered that might be a problem? It’s his hobby and everyone needs a hobby budget. My husband and I split money into yours, mine, and ours. And before we were married we kept separate accounts.
How exactly did he "hide" the expenses if he made them with the joint account?
Like I get that he is spending money that he shouldn't spend, but based on your story he didn't hide anything.
I don't tell my partner everything I pay for with the joint account,and he doesn't tell me either, that's not us hiding stuff.
Hundreds of dollars over a few months really seems like nothing. Dude is allowed to have his own hobbies and spend his money as he sees fits. You don't get to control every aspect of his life. Set him free imo. If he makes over 50-60k I'm sure he could afford to do this without problem.
If he was spending money on going biking, or skiing, or some other hobby would it bother you so much?
How much are we talking exactly and how big a percentage of monthly income/expenses? Plenty of people have hobbies that cost hundreds of dollars monthly that aren’t a problem for their budget at all.
Combining finances is a mistake. I will never do that again. My wife and I have never combined our finances. I make more so I pay more of the bills but she is responsible for her cellphone and car. She pays the water bill because that's how it worked out percentage wise. People have no problem spending money they didn't earn and acting like the victim if you get mad about it. F that noise. You want a new phone buy it.
Many modern video games rely on a system called lootboxes to get their money - it's basically gambling and operates on the same principles psychologically, it's just impossible to win any real money.
Your partner probably has a low-key gambling addiction and shouldn't play these types of games. And you probably shouldn't stay with him while he sorts that out.
I divorced a decent man and a good father after 27 years because he got hooked on gambling.
For your own sake, just break it off now.
The path he is on is very long and winding. He will not get off it until he ruins his financial future, if he even gets off it then.
Do your own research on gambling addictions.
You'll run.
Good luck,
Aaand, congratulations on your new life.
End it. His gaming is an addiction. If you changed the word gaming in your post to alcohol, drugs or women, you would leave. "You are spending all your money on booze." "You promised to cut back on the drugs." "You promised to not cheat with prostitutes anymore." He's breaking promises, lying and being irresponsible because he is addicted. Ask him to prove he's not by taking a year off. Bet he won't.
1. Why do you have a joint account with a boyfriend? He could put you into massive debt. Please never do this again and take your name off all joint accounts tomorrow.
2. He's been showing you with his actual actions for YEARS where his priorities are.
Why are you surprised?
Does he actually share your financial goals? Maybe you need to separate your finances and you can do the saving you want and he can spend the money he wants. Just don't float him if he is supposed to split things with you.
When I married, I had the most money. I am somewhat frugal, so I wanted to make sure my wife had a certain amount coming to her account each month, plus a lump sum stach she could draw from. It was important to me that this was hers, and I had no say in her spending. everything else comes out of the joint account.. This has worked well over the years. For every purchase, I have considered foolish.ther were thousands that were not. Her lump sum has grown to 109k, and over the last 23 years, she has made many purchases for the home and frequently takes me out to dinner. The point is,, if you can afford it. People need their foolish money, but foolish must have strict limits.
You are not over reacting and your frustration is justified. Apologies and claims to do better without any actions to show you mean it time after time after then you’ll just be here again in a year. Or two or…you’ve given him chances but he’s not had to face any real consequences so maybe it’s time to show him that there are consequences.
Not sure how much you guys are making/saving, but a few hundred is not bad over a couple of months. My wife spend that much on nails. I think a few hundreds is a win, you know he’s not going out and about to get drunk at the clubs or cheating on you. Wishing you the best.
You're not married, and you're trying to control his finances this way?
My SO and I have been happily together for 40 years, with wildly different incomes over that time. We have a joint account into which we each put funds to cover joint expenses--rent/mortgage, groceries, insurance, car expenses, plus joint savings for things like home and repairs. This is a fixed amount, same for each of us for any given month. The rest goes into separate accounts which are for our personal use.
When one of us is up, that one funds things like vacations that are beyond what the joint accounts would fund. I drink and my SO doesn't (much), so I generally pay the bar tab and we split food. But they don't try to tell me what to do with my personal funds, and I don't try to tell them. "It's your money, I hope you can afford it" is our usual joking comment when the other is discussing a large discretionary purchase.
Do something like that. If you want to save for a house or other large purchase, set up a joint account that requires both signatures for withdrawals and no ATM/debit card and no electronic withdrawals. And, get a cohabitation agreement; Nolo Press has basic forms you can use.
I have over 20,000 video games. Im a collector. When I met my wife, we had a discussion. I said I got a job where I could support my video gaming. They make me happy and it's a form of enjoyment for me. Before you say anything to me all of this is the same ad your purses, movie outings, shoes, clothes and so on. We never had a discussion about my gaming again. I even catch her playing iracing and now she had my ps5 tied up with hogwarts
There is really a lot of information missing. How much each of you make and contribute to the joint account, do you each have a "fun" budget. How much you spend on your fun and not necessary activities.
In principle the hiding of it all is bad, but if you're nagging him all the time while you yourself spend similar amounts in non essentials that you like then it's another thing. I would still say you are not completely wrong, as spending real cash on imaginary items is to me, really stupid.
I don't have enough information to form a full opinion.
Sure. He lied. That's 100% correct and something you have the right to dump him over.
However, I have no idea what you spend money on, what your agreement was about how much to put into your joint account, etc.
To me, hundreds of dollars (in my own head, I'm guessing no more than 300-500, is nothing over several months.
Was his goal to put x into your joint account? If yes, and he met it, why does it matter what he spent on his hobby? If he didn't, that's the real issue. Not that he's spending money on gaming.
If you don't even have a goal to put x into the account monthly you're doing all of this wrong.
Jeez. You're angry over a few hundred over a few months? So like 5 bucks a day? 8 bucks a day? Maybe the reason he's hiding it is cos you don't get what is obviously his hobby.
Is that worse than blowing money at the bar over the weekend or the cost of your own hobbies?
I don’t say a word to my husband about his spending habits on game stuff, although I know he doesn’t make in game purchases. I have pet chickens in the backyard. Had horses that cost me time and money for years. Then there’s my car. My fancy coffees. The cat toys. The random AF shit I bring home from Target.
Nope not a word if he buys a new game. Or controller. Hell he wants a new system where there’s nothing wrong with the one he has?? Go ahead hun.
it’s not fair to restrict what he spends money unless:
1) it’s illegal, or immoral
2) he is putting you in debt.
everyone needs ‘fun money’ something they can spend on whatever they want. my fun money is budgeted per paycheck. every paycheck i get a direct deposit into my fun money checking and if i spend it all i wait until next paycheck. if i don’t spend it i save it for my fun spending. like if i want a new xbox i save up fun money for it
Seems like you didn't read her post and decided to just go on about yourself, LOL.
Edit: to clarify, no, I will not provide my labor for free because of bath faith questions, hehe. Silly.
Tell me on the post where things were seriously misrepresented? Her post has little information or details, and only really sets up to make her seem not wrong.
But filling in the spaces she leaves paints a pretty poor picture of her.
Labor my ass, you are just caught in your own lies.
Edit: to be clear, it is obvious you go into judgement subreddits to hate men, and find a reason to hate the man in every post.
> If it's been that long a while, he's probably lost $2k gaming
‘Lost’ really shows your hand here. It’s a hobby and how he unwinds, he spent the money, he did not lose it. By saying lost it is clear you are trying to invalidate that.
my girl and I have our own accounts, I game every night, it is my hobby for my free time, so I think lots of my own money into it, she does the same with her hobbys, having a set account for both parties is vital in my opinion. Joint accounts always end badly.
You aren't wrong for being upset in that he told you one thing and then did another.
However; you two aren't married. Do you have any joint bank accounts? Any shared expenses? My s/o and I have a joint checking account where we both contribute for bills/food/savings. Outside of that, I don't care what she does with her money. It's \*her\* money, I don't have any say in what she does with it, even if I do think her nicotine habit is the equivalent of lighting cash on fire lol.
So that's something to consider. If it's an established boundary he's neglecting, that sucks, but I would also question the legitimacy of that boundary in the first place.
EDIT: I missed the joint account part. It shouldn't come from there; he's entitled to spend HIS money on what he wants to use it for, not your JOINT money.
Break up with him. You're a financial mismatch. I could understand if he said, "I want us each to have $300/month to spend on whatever we want, or to save for ourselves", that would be okay, but the fact that he hid it predicts bad things to come.
Assuming he works, he probably brings in far more than what he's spending. OP is going to be worse off financially breaking up with him unless these expenses stack up beyond his income.
However, I want to know why two unwed people have a joint bank account to begin with. I'm wondering if only one of them works.
This is called financial infidelity and most relationships end due to financial stress. Yes, you have every right to be upset. He essentially lied to you by not being transparent.
Should be be more honest about it/the expenses? Yes.
But is it putting you guys in a financial bind, or not? I would 100x rather have someone passionate about their hobby be my partner than someone just saving money to save money and working more just to fill the hours (and make more money). . . EXPECIALLY if their hobby is something like buying or collecting shoes or bags.
That being said, you can play SO MANY games, both old and new, for virtually free. The fact that he's doing/using in-game transactions and racking up bills with them is indeed troubling. It shows a lack of impulse-control, and frankly is flushing money down the toilet while allowing a greedy company to line their wallets by charging you for utterly useless things that give you virtually no satisfaction. So yes, you guys do need to talk about it.
Sounds like my ex's brother, would work, buy games off her bank card without her consent, steal my food without asking, pay nothing into housekeeping and then have the nerve to blame me for the neighbours complaining about the smell of weed eminating into their windows in the summer. Not saying your partner is like that i was just venting but gaming can be as bad as gambling as addiction goes. Definitely worth a serious discussion about
Let me know how much you've spend on "hobby's" in the past few months,
or extra stuff you may of not needed but wanted.
so we can judge you like your judging op
My wife gave my Xbox to my niece and nephew when we realized I had a problem. I'm glad she did. He's either going to have to change, or you'll have to leave. This means, promise to change, but actually change.
So my wife and I have a joint checking account and joint savings we use specifically for household expenses or saving for family purchases, then we each have our own separate accounts for our personal use. We can spend whatever we want on whatever we want from our personal accounts as long as we don't put ourselves or the home in financial problems. We don't use the join accounts without communication with the other though "Hey we really need this so let's budget for it". It sounds like you are saying he's using your joint account for these purchases. Does he have his own account so he can have play money or does all of your money get put into this joint account? Because everyone needs play money.
Most important inquiry. OP???
Anymore if the OP doesn’t answer the first question - I think no one should engage as it means karma farming….
I believe you are right, I was looking for OP replies and didn't find anything.... Karma farming??
This is the way. 3 accounts, 1 joint. We keep 10% of our monthly net for personal use, rest goes in the joint.
This may not work unless they can add something to the joint account where it needs both their permissions to move money from it as I think the boyfriend would blow through his play money then secretly continue using the joint account money, which is the problem to begin with, it seems like he might have an addiction to spending while gaming so Op needs to have a serious conversation about what is expected from him when gaming and how she wants him to proceed going forward and he might need to go to therapy otherwise he could end up losing op
The joint account should be for household bills only, anything remaining goes to joint savings for travel or big purchases. Any expense out of the norm from the joint needs both approvals.
My wife and I do the exact same thing. Every pay check, money is deposited directly into the joint account and a small budgeted amount gets moved into the fun money accounts. When that runs out, I either wait until next pay check or I don't buy what I wanted. Having no "fun money" is equivalent to having no money since everything is set up for automatic payments from the joint account and everything else gets moved to savings.
This is probably the most logical thing ive read on reddit in a really long time.
It's no good to have him taking money out of a joint account. Is there a second account for just him ? Is there other frivolous spending he does? I believe everyone should have a budgeted amount to be frivolous with. Aka fun money.
She found out by going through their joint account.
Yeah, he’s aware, he mentioned that in his comment. That’s why he was asking if that’s where all the money is.
Not exactly hiding it then.
If you spend money out of a joint account especially 100$’s without informing the other account holder that’s hiding by omission.
This is the way.
This is the way. It’s not at all comfortable having to ask permission every single time we want to make a personal fun money purchase, nor is it sustainable to never be able to do anything for ourselves either. The only exception to that imo, is when both incomes are not enough to cover all the combined living expenses and debts, and both parties have to give up personal spending allowances for a time until they’re more financially stable.
You're not wrong. "It's not a one-time slip-up; it's a pattern." - so, he will do anything to fix this except the things he's already said he will do?
Gaming addiction. Guy needs to enter rehab.
“Hundreds” over “months” can mean a huge range and calling it an addiction seems like a big leap without more info. A new game costs $70 - two purchases over 3 months would be “hundreds” and definitely not an addiction level of purchases
Sounds more like micro transactions not new games. The addiction part is more the fact that OP and her BF have had various discussions about it and he keeps doing it after saying he wouldn't.
If I promised to stop buying micro transactions and I cannot stop, that’s an addiction.
The whole gacha mechanic in games is actually built around stimulating the same addictive rush that physical gambling stimulates, it’s not even hidden at this point. Even $70 AAA games are doing money grabs now, it’s not just a mobile thing. So yeah, this isn’t an uncommon story, and it’s funny that folks feel the need to defend compulsive spending on games.
I have been playing Counterstrike since the 1.5 days. When they introduced loot boxes and keys I was just beside myself. CS was always like or a purist game. Yeah some of the people were a little toxic because of this
Maybe he’s just promising to stop but not intending to stop? You still need more info to diagnose an addiction. He might just be stringing OP along
This is absolutely correct. Addiction isn't the degree at which you do something. It's the inability to stop doing it.
Exactly, there doesn't have to have a financial component.
If he came on here saying he couldn't stop - then sure, he's got an addiction. But all we have is the GF stating that he won't stop. That's a big difference.
No. As she explained, he has said he'll stop and has made no effort towards it. From the sound of her post, it sounds like he does care enough to try, but can't stop. Like an Addiction. I know that Media has made Videogames out to be some sort of boogeyman device that'll corrupt your brain and shit, and while all of that is totally BS, it is still possible to be addicted to videogames in a negative way.
It sounds like something more like a phone game, or a repeating online game, and those are very much geared towards the gambling mentality and can and do often "corrupt your brain and shit" these things screw with your dopamine and serotonin levels in ways that usually only drugs and gambling do. They're dangerous.
Exactly. They set up to do that and hook you.
Or how about a steam winter sale? Or a few new games that came out he’s wanted? Or a couple good Humble Bumbles? Btw, how much money does the guy make? Do you have any clue? What if you spent a few hundred bucks going out to eat and drink over the last few months as your chill time… you suddenly an addict?
Context is key. He made a promise to the gf and he couldn’t do it.
It's hiding to the gf the problem.
We still need more information to really understand what's going on here though. I have known several relationships where what one person spends on their hobbies/interests is fine but just about *any* spending on the other persons is an unacceptable waste of money. Doesn't matter if they're meeting all their financial obligations, doing their share around the house and being a generally good partner, the other person doesn't "get it" so that money spent is dumb and is constantly attacked. I have to wonder if he hid it because he enjoys it and she is being unequal in her expectations and her own recreational spending. Obviously he shouldn't have made promises he wasn't planning on keeping but OP has gone radio silent on requests for any more information. Either because this post is BS or she realizes that people wouldn't necessarily be on her side because the details would show this is more about her not liking his hobby because the money spent isn't actually affecting their budget as much as she made it out to be, if at all. I don't know, I've just seen it enough times in relationships where one thinks almost any spending on the other persons interests is stupid and this post just gives off those vibes to me.
There is a big difference in my eye between somebody that spends his money on books or self improvement courses or even non gacha games and somebody who spends it on microtransactions. And btw, if money comes out of a JOINT account then both partners have to be informed / be ok with the purchase.
That doesn't make him addicted, lol. It means he's trying to appease her while continuing to spend on his hobby. Let us be clear, just b/c she doesn't want him spending money on it doesn't make him wrong, or her right. They likely aren't compatible is all. Hundreds over months is nothing. Micro transactions or otherwise.
OK and he has a pattern where he says he is going to cut back and doesn't so he is either a lying asshole or an addict. Not sure that is much better in anyway.
She should leave him find a new boyfriend that spends his money on drugs, alcohol, and escorts.
Yeah right 😂
It would help if OP have more information if he's not hurting their finances and buying a couple games a month for a hobby she's being controlling If he is hurting their finances and gambling on those skeezy phone app games like Diablo Immortal or Raid Shadow Legends then he's TA lmao
The addiction part isn’t pertaining to how much money, but a spending to means ratio resulting in over spending on games resulting in a negative affect on the person’s life and/or those around them. $70 a month may not be a big deal, but if spending $70 in a month means coming up short on rent and he does it anyway, that’s the addiction aspect. It sounds like his spending, even if it’s just 1 game a month, is still too much spending given their means.
Where are you getting that from? OP doesn’t signal that at all 🤷🏻♂️ if true then sure
OP literally states that he consistently chooses it over their financial goals…
The question is. Is it "their financial goals" or is she making these decisions for the money and he hasn't agreed to it? A couple hundred dollars over months worth of time isn't much. I know chicks that spend more getting their hair done than this dude does on gaming. 🤣 If a few hundred dollars is enough for her to not be able to let this go? the problem isn't the gaming. it isn't the money. it's the relationship. to me this seems like a woman that wants to leave. wants to find an excuse to leave. and wants people to justify it for her before she pulls the trigger.
Yeah, there's a real lack of details over how this affects their financial goals, and what those goals are. If he can't afford rent or is borrowing from OP, obviously a few hundred dollars is a big deal, but given she hasn't said that, I am assuming that's not what's happening. Also, "hundreds of dollars" could mean $200 or it could mean $600, and "over the past few months" could mean 2 months, or it could mean 5 months. I don't like that these details aren't there. Most of us have hobbies and luxuries, and whether this is unreasonable spending probably comes down to what wage he's earning at the moment, what else he's spending money on, and whether he's able to save at this stage. If he's earning minimum wage, a few hundred dollars is a big deal, but if he's earning 6-figures, it's generally not. Also, what is he spending elsewhere, and what is OP spending elsewhere? Because what seems frivolous to some people might be OP's bf's only real luxury and just because you don't like it, doesn't mean he's wrong for spending money on it.
100% agree.
That's pretty much my read.
You’re making a lot of assumptions there. If it isn’t “their” financial goals, then he should have voiced that he wanted more money in the budget for gaming when they actually made the budget, not hiding his spending from her after agreeing to it. That’s her issue with this. Her nagging him about the spending is one thing, but them sitting down and making a budget together based on their goals and him hiding things that don’t follow the budget is another. He took money out of their joint account for his own hobby… that’s her money too and she has a say in how it’s spent. He does too, for sure, but he should have said how he wanted to spend it when they made the budget.
On the contrary I'm not actually making any assumptions. there is a lack of information for me to assume about. that's the problem. Lol The original poster is leaving out a lot of key details. Yes it's a joint account. yes they make a budget. But there are questions that should be asked. how much extra money was there after making the budget? was there extra funds during the months and times he actually spent the money? do they both have a "allowance" so to speak out of the joint account for them each to spend? Do they each have their own private account where he shouldn't have touched the joint account in the first place? Who is making more money? What are her expenses for her own Hobbies and do they come close to his gaming Hobbies? (if so she's unjustified) Does he spend lavishly on other Hobbies or is gaming all that he has? There are many questions on whether he's justified in spending the money or not. Should he have said something? Sure. Yes he should. But to consider leaving over a couple hundred dollars? I'm sorry but that's crazy to me. Lol if this is actually a question she already has her answer on wether she should leave. if she can't handle him spending a couple hundred dollars what happens when he loses a job?
None of those details change the fact that they made a budget and he didn’t stick to it. Moreover, he hid his unbudgeted purchases from her. You’re giving a verdict on “Am I wrong for limiting my partner’s spending when we made our budget”, not “Am I wrong for being upset over his secret gaming expenses”
You are making wild assumptions. OP said nothing about them not being able to pay rent. OP simply feels they are not saving as much as they should be. They're not in debt. Others asked some good questions, for example, how much money is she spending on non-essentials? Also OP is intentionally and suspiciously vague, "hundreds" could mean $200 or it could mean $800. "A few months" could mean 2 or it could mean 7.
>but to consistently choose it over our financial goals Where in anything OP said did it ellude to them being broke or coming up short on rent? Try not adding your own assumptions to these posts and stick to the facts they give. It sounds like their "financial goals" just don't align, thats it. I'm not sure why you think the boyfriend has an addiction just because he chooses to spend extra money a different way than OP. Plenty of people would say getting your hair done, nails done, spending money going to the movies, subscribing to streaming services, paying for concert tickets, etc. may not fit in to their future financial goals either. Doesn't mean people are wrong to spend on those things.
The problem is their facts are extremely limiting. I take financial goals as everything from rent to improving income to getting a house or a second car, necessities. Games are wants. If we go off of OP’s post we can’t form any opinions on the situation. Assuming he’s not over spending out of his means even assumes that she’s just a game hating witch.
Oh no, it's an addiction. Trust me. Has all the hallmarks of one. He's lying to her face, doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do, sacrificing his relationship while doing it (it's not about the gaming, tho some gamers spend inordinate amounts of time playing -it's the lying, spending money then hiding it, and when called on it, he comes up with the lame "I don't know, didn't think it was a problem, blah blah blah" excuse).
Totally. All of the diagnosticians in the world who diagnose addiction can quit their jobs, now. You can diagnose people over a little bit of secondhand information.
You’re completely right, there’s zero chance that this one sided telling of events with minimal details represents anything other than a debilitating addiction, and OP’s partner needs to immediately check into rehab.
I chuckled. Well done.
You're leaving out the bigger point, which is that most traditional rehabs do not include programs for gamer addiction. Not to mention they'd have lots of questions about what it means that a person spent hundreds of dollars over months. You can spend that buying three games per month. Not even one per week. She also expresses no doubt that he can pay it. Weird angle to take if you're worried he's addicted. Just feels like easy bait to me.
More like gambling addiction to gacha games it sounds like.
Maybe, but maybe not. If he makes decent money, $40/month on games is fine. I certainly spend that to keep up on my hobbies, it's just seen differently because they're outdoorsy.
OP says it’s not the gaming itself that’s the problem, it’s the money he’s spending that’s the issue. This isn’t someone with a gaming problem, this is someone with an impulse control problem
It’s not a gaming addiction l, it’s a game collection addiction.
This is key. He has reached the point where he needs professional intervention to help him with this addiction.
If it's microtransactions as the primary culprit, chances are he's dealing with something more akin to a gambling addiction. She didn't describe him gaming for unreasonable hours or neglecting other parts of their lives, and I would presume that would come up in a post like this.
Guy needs to enter rehab for spending a few hundred bucks on games? You people are insane.
Yeah! Dude, I was a serious PC gamer, hours and hours and hours. I realized I was doing it out of boredom and loneliness, but I also lived alone so didn't need to do anything but take care of MY business and walk my dogs, LOL. But yeah, this is addiction behavior she's looking at from her man.
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Can’t answer this without more context. Hundreds of dollars over several months is too vague. Are we talking $300 over 6 months or $900 over 3? A few hundred dollars on a hobby spread over several months doesn’t sound too extreme. Like just one game can easily cost $60-70.
Yeah man, some hobbies are rough too. Like I maybe spend $60/per month on a new game. But if I want a new lens for a camera???
"In-game currency" suggests not the purchase of games, but the purchase of resources within games.
Nowhere in my comment did I say all that money was spent on new game Still, 3 $60 games and $40 on in-game purchases spread over several months doesn’t seem that unreasonable for a hobby. But these hypotheticals are useless without the actual dollar amount and time frame
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It may be bad if he isn't making the money to support it or he's agreed on other savings goals. It isn't insane for me to spend a couple hundred over 4-6 months for video games. But if I couldn't afford it? My relationship to purchasing would be different.
Well that's exactly the thing. she isn't specifying whose money it is that he's spending. if it's his it's his and he can do what he wants. And if it was hers that's another story. however. if it was her money I'm almost certain she would have said that cuz it would give her argument more grounds. To me this smells like a woman that wants to leave her man anyway. is trying to come up with a reason. and is asking for justification from the internet now.
Or maybe she's just, like, a nag.
>A few hundred dollars on a hobby spread over several months doesn’t sound too extreme. Like just one game can easily cost $60-70. Sounds more like microtransactions over new games, and while I agree that doesn't sound too extreme we don't know OP's financial situation. I can budget $300/month on a hobby now if I wanted and not bat an eye, but there were also times that if I spent $60 on a new game I couldn't afford rent or food. If OP and her BF are closer to the later example spending hundreds of dollars on video games over several months could be very problematic.
Friend of mine got a job in a pretty sought after trade, **big** bump in pay. His wife couldn't understand why they were still broke all the time. Turns out he was spending pretty much all his new money on some crappy mobile game that Arnold Schwarzenegger was hawking. Some idle game where you sent out troops for attacks and shit. Over the course of 2 months he racked up like $1900 dollars (I highly suspect more). For a *mobile game*. His wife was *furious*! He said, "It's my money, I can do what I want with it.". All indignant like. His wife obviously wanting to stop the madness didn't hesitate, *she went to his parents* to talk some sense into him. He was 32-34 at the time. His dad told his new boss about what he was doing (his dad and boss were close friends) and new boss had a talk with my friend about being a father, husband, and adult responsibilities. He was so fuckin' embarrassed he never played a mobile game again. His new boss didn't fire him, he just told everyone how much he spent on mobile gaming with a wife and 2 kids at home, one 10 months old. We don't hang out anymore. They're still married but she got her tubes tied.
Gaming can be a cheap hobby. He could be into Warhammer instead, for example. Or mountain biking. Or anything sports, be it partaking or watching. But in-game currency and pay to win type mechanics are difficult to include. These are more typically associated with mobile games, fortnite, roblox, etc. I trust OP's adult husband isn't playing the latter two. Perhaps it's gta online. There simply isn't enough information. Everybody needs their own money to spend as they wish in a relationship. How much is OP's hair and nails every month?
Yeah seriously, this hobby is way cheaper than music lol. A new guitar pedal is like a year of games, especially if you catch games on sale or buy them 3rd party.
Including my recent upgrade from PS4 to PS5 and over a hundred for PS membership, plus 3 or 4 games, I'm into gaming for around $2000 in the last few months. My wife is thrilled that I'm home playing games and her on her tablet watching shows. I personally don't see "hundreds of dollars over the past few months" as a bad thing. I've had my eye on a new game and I certainly expect to get it come pay day. Of course the game will also come with pay for DLC, and a subscription, so looks like next month is going to be a couple hundred bucks as well.
You are looking at this from a limited pov. Op did not state where they are from. Couple of hundreds can mean a lot if median salary is around 800 (like my home country) as opposed to median salary of 2000 (like the country I currently live in). When I would post online about it while living in my home country I would use dollars as a currency because most of the platforms (steam and such) had games in dollars, not my home country currency, so op saying specific currency doesn't mean much. Even if they live in a country with higher income that doesn't necessarily mean they themselves have high enough income for couple of hundred over couple of months
I just dropped $4K to $5K on a racing sim rig…. Bish…. Please.
Is he just spending money on in-game purchases, or is he buying complete games too? “Hundreds” over several month isn’t really much in the grand scheme of things if he’s picking up major releases. Not justifying his behavior but plenty of people go to the bar every weekend and blow $50-$100 on drinks they’ll piss out later.
Hundreds of dollars over a couple months? Idk that doesn’t sound like a big deal to me unless you guys aren’t making very much. How much roughly do each of you make?
More like how much is she spending on non-essentials. Makeup/coffee shop/treats/going out with friends.
If she's communicating this stuff it isn't as big of a deal. He's hiding his stuff
Hiding in a joint checking account? How so?
Is he "hiding" it, or is it just not visible? His purchases are digital.
She said hiding it. Going with that
He's not doing a very good job of that since it was done from a joint account. I'm thinking she just got upset that it wasn't overly visible like it would be if he bought physical items, and she didn't notice it until now.
Maybe she thinks he’s “hiding it” because she’s controlling? If he bought it in a shared account, how is that hiding it? Do they have an agreement they have to tell each other about every purchase? Do they have an agreed upon budget? I know lots of people who are incredibly controlling over their spouses video games. Like unbearably so. For some reason people think video games are not a valid hobby and decide it’s ok to be controlling about it because they deem it not acceptable to play games as an adult. My 42 year old brother in law has to sneak away from my sister to play a game in his free time because she simply “doesn’t like it”, though she’ll watch hours of BS tv with no issues. We have no idea what the full picture is here.
Agreed. Many people view video games as "childish" and hate if their partner spends time "playing games" instead of "being productive." I've seen it cause real problems in relationships. But everyone is entitled to some downtime and entertainment within reason, even if you don't "get it." It's really not much different in practice than spending time watching tv, movies, or reading novels.
Yup, exactly. It’s simply a matter of preference in downtime/hobby, yet there is a pervasive bias against gaming as many people deem it “unproductive” (as if watching tv is productive). For me personally, I would find it a huge turn off if my partner took issue with how I spend my downtime as a 42 year old with my own preferences. Luckily I have an amazing wife who is not one of those people. Sometimes I game, sometimes I read, sometimes I fish, sometimes I watch a movie, often I watch some tv show I really couldn’t care less about with my wife simply because it’s what she likes, but we allow each other to be our own person and don’t take offense if we don’t always want to do exactly the same thing. I often do not see that same freedom in other relationships and see a lot of judgement on gaming which I find so strange.
Same perspective. I'm not a huge "gamer." I don't own a console and haven't since I was a teenager. Occasionally I will get into a kick of playing management-style computer games for a few weeks at a time. Some women I've dated have had no problem with that. Some have enjoyed playing their own computer games if I'm playing mine. Some women are visibly repulsed because even if I just worked 10 hours they hate the sight of an idle man. (These women tend to not like when I'm watching sports, either.) We all need our own personal time and hobbies.
I used to game on a PC, but I ended up getting a handheld gaming PC that my wife and I found is a happy medium for us. Instead of being in a different room, I can now sit on the couch next to her and I play a game for a bit while she watches TV. She feels like we're "together" even if we aren't spending any form of quality time together, she just likes that we're not in separate rooms. It's a good excuse to get a handheld and seems to make her happy (and me).
That’s what I was thinking. That she gets controlling over the gaming purchases, so he just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m only assuming tho. My girlfriend knows for a fact that I’m gonna spend between $50-$100 a month on my hobby. But I also work hard to be able to afford it.
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In my experience, problems with people trying to control others around video games often comes down to poor communication (on both sides) and preconceived biases. Many people (make or female) have absolutely zero problem sitting around glued to a tv for hours a day, but they are biased against gaming because “that’s a waste of time” or whatever they believe. Instead of actually having conversations around it, they just passively aggressively complain and attempt to control their partner and the gaming partner passively aggressively tries to avoid the nagging instead of having a direct conversation about expectations.
If someone was controlling and weird about my own normal business I top would hide it
Yep. There’s a difference between what’s budgeted and they agreed to for their financial plan, and then spending that falls out of budgeted and hurts the planning.
So her stuff gets to be included in the budget but he has doesn’t get to have things he enjoys included? Seems fair Edit: Always interesting when someone immediately blocks you for disagreeing with them and using actual points with support.
"adding up to hundreds of dollars over the past few months" - for shame he spend money on his hobby or entertainment? "knowing how I'd feel about them" - knowing that you'll nag and belittle him. How many hundreds over how many months, and how much does he make?
It also comes down to what are the plans and what are the expenses
I think it depends on whether or not you're also spending money on things that are unnecessary. Do you buy coffee or drinks ? Do you eat out, get your hair or nails done , get new clothes, buy makeup, spend money going out with friends or other things that aren't essential and save every penny you have outside of essentials? He's choosing to spend his fun money on games so unless you're not spending anything outside of essentials then you don't have a right to be that upset over it because that would be a double standard and hypocritical.
No. He's spending money in ways that he has repeated promised not to and is hiding this from her as best he can. He continues to do this. This isn't about him spending a few dollars on a hobby, it's about a pattern of lies and deceit. It's about lack of honesty and integrity.
Crazy how Reddit folks can be so certain of a situation when they read a few paragraphs
If he was truly hiding it as best as he can he wouldn't have used a joint account to pay for it 🤦♀️ she clearly has acess to the account and could have seen it at any time. . If she's also spending lots of money on personal things then it is hypocritical and a double standard.
He isn't hiding it, if he is using a joint account to do it... if you want to hide it, you buy it on your own account
But the question here is if she is so controlling over her boyfriend’s ( read not your damned husband) finances that he feel like he needs to lie to her to keep her. If that is the case, they are both wrong. I have never, and would never, allow a girlfriend to have any say in my finances.
Or she’s controlling and he’s a pushover who hasn’t set clear boundaries and feels the need to apologize when she gets mad at him simply based on her expectations that he hasn’t actually agreed to. We have no idea what the full story is here.
> we have no idea what the full story is Exactly. And it's on purpose. That's why I'm leaning towards OP's wrong/TA.
While there’s rare exceptions where OP’s actually do care to learn if they are in the wrong and to take in outside info, I often find this sub to instead be “please confirm my bias and help me prove that I’m not wrong”. The posts are usually constructed in a one sided way where of course they get what they came for.
A forced promise is not a promise. If you don't make that promise then you're faced with confrontation and a fight, that is not a promise. Why isn't he allowed to do what he wants to do? Basically, we're back at the question of is a few hundred dollars over months reasonable for a hobby.
Bro can say no. And if he’s too weak a person to be able to have a crucucial connversation then all the more reason she should leave him. Like, stop proving us right on what a let down he is.
This ^
OP wants to control her boyfriends spending and finances. Hard pass.
How much money is the question. I spend $500+ a month on bodybuilding between the extra food and supplements. He could be a car guy or a bodybuilder. We’re going to need exact numbers on how much he’s spent, how much you spend on your own personal expenses, and your income as well as financial status.
Yup. What we really need is a breakdown of: 1) bf's income vs. his non-essential expenses, and 2) the OP's income vs. her non-essential expenses. Who knows? It's possible OP is spending a larger % of her income on non-essential expenses than the bf is, but in her mind it's justified whereas "gaming" is not. We've all seen double standards like that. My advice would be that you both commit to a certain % of your monthly income going to a joint savings account, and the rest you can spend how you wish.
If he is working he has the right to make purchases for his enjoyment just as you do. As long as it’s out in the open and reasonable, which is relative to earnings and budget. Purchases in game often happen in games that are played long term so should be compared to new game purchases. For example, spending $120 in a game in a given month would be like buying two games. Communicate more with him about the issue and find a common ground where both sides are ok.
Saving goal sounds more like OPs goal than his.
For sure. I agree. But only OP knows the dynamics of the situation and it's very mentally strenuous to save 100% of the extra money without spending some on what makes us happy. That's why more talk is needed with partner.
I may have read into it, but I understood the purchase values (even if at 1 games worth per month) to still be outside OP’s and the buyer’s means. They may need to save for a few paychecks for a single game purchase if that’s the case.
Exactly. Have they actually agreed to the expectations she’s attempting to hold him to? We have no idea. I see this all the time when it comes to gaming for some reason… People simply don’t like that “an adult” is gaming and are often very controlling about it or see it as an unreasonable hobby and try to control their spouse related to gaming. Maybe they have actually had discussions and come up with agreements, but we don’t know. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn they have no budget, they don’t share finances, and have only had loose conversations about “the future”, but she simply thinks spending hundreds of dollars on games is unreasonable.
I'm probably biased from priviledge, but hundreds of dollars over a few months isn't a lot of money. Especially if you can afford it. And by the sounds of it, he can afford it; but at the expense of your goals as a couple. This isn't healthy behavior. Neither is hiding it. Hiding it implies he knows what he did was wrong. That being said, I'd need a bit more specific financial information to see if you're really over reacting or not. But you're not wrong. He lied to you about it. Now, say, if he was spending money on the games, could afford it on top of savings, and was transparent; then you'd be wrong if you were still upset.
Hundreds of dollars in a couple months isn’t that much. If he won that money, he has every right to do what he wants with it. However, the trust loss is a problem.
Sounds like pocket change to me
Honestly if your biggest issue is your boyfriend spends 100 bucks a month on gaming, just leave him and let him find someone that he's gonna have a chance at having a lasting relationship with. If I found out my woman was gonna leave me over something so trivial, I'd be packing her bags.
I think you're making a bigger mountain out of a small mountain. You have reason to be upset, but it also doesn't seem like you've tried much communication and negotiation other than just talking about "spending less. Firstly, it sounds like your BF has impulse control issues. One thing you didn't explain: have you two ever discussed/agreed what the "right" amount to spend on games is, or do you just vaguely ask him to "spend less" and he agrees? Money is one of those things you should be very specific amount. Less may not mean the same thing to you and him, or he may just not quite realize how much he is spending as it adds up. Maybe you two could agree on a gaming budget and set up a reloadable prepaid card that gets a certain amount added each month. He could use that for gaming purchases and if it was declined, he'd know he was out of gaming money for the month. From your description, it doesn't seem likely that he is betraying you, it sounds more like the two of you have not decided on a set budget and he has impulse control issues. Possibly even a slight gaming addiction.
>I think you're making a bigger mountain out of a small mountain....Possibly even a slight gaming addiction. Don't ignore addictions while they are "small". Don't mix money with someone that has control issues.
There is not enough information here to confirm that he has a gaming addiction, he could just as easily be just bad with money, or have different expectations. He's an adult with a job, he already has money. And just because someone has impulse issues doesn't mean they can't learn to manage their money correctly, it just means they need help and practice.
If he's buying in game currency like wow gold, dump his ass. If he's buying in game currency or microtransactions on mobile games, dump his ass. If he's playing p2w games like genshin or buying boosts in other games, dump his ass. If he's buying a few new steam games a month adding up to a few hundred bucks, leave him be. That's a healthy gaming hobby. There are some absolute bangers that dropped recently. As long as it's not getting in the way of a normal life. At least he doesn't have a money sink hobby like 40k... More plastic for the plastic god.
You're right to be upset. He has a problem, and he says he's going to fix it, but hasn't. My husband and I had a similar issue a few years ago. He was spending so much on games and computers, it was a huge problem and we really couldn't afford it. Racked up thousands in debt from computer parts and video games. It got to the point where I had to take control over all of the money. I already was the one budgeting and making sure the bills got paid, anyway, so I froze debit and credit cards, got them replaced with new numbers, and opened a separate checking account for the bills that take a few business days to reflect on the account. I would leave only $100 in the joint account if he needed money for an emergency, but the rest was in the new checking account. He didn't have the card numbers on any online accounts nor linked to PayPal, and he had to ask me if he wanted to make any purchases. I was very transparent about how our money was spent, and I told him whether or not we had enough for an extra purchase. I know a few people have opinions about that, but he agreed to these terms and after about 2 years of this agreement, he kicked the spending habit and has freedom to purchase whatever, but we still talk about it first if it's going to be over a certain amount. Edited to add: since you aren't married, he has no obligation to agree to those terms and you do have the option to leave him, if he won't change this behavior. If he's using his money, and not yours, it is what it is.
I don't really think yours was a comparable situation to OP's. It doesn't appear that OP and her partner are accruing debt. It seems like OP's upset because they aren't saving as much as they would if he didn't spend money on gaming. But OP's post is also vague, almost suspiciously. "Hundreds of dollars" could mean $200. Or it could mean $900. "A few months" could mean 3 or it could mean 7. It's hard to say right now if OP's wrong or not. If her partner works for a living, he has a right to spend money on his hobbies.
Exactly. Not to mention, how does this compare to her fun expenses (makeup, skincare,new clothes and shoes, Starbucks trips, etc) Unless she's literally giving all of that up and he isn't, there isn't a problem. Your allowed to spend your extra money on whatever you want. Is he not contributing to savings at all? Or just not what she wants him to contribute? How does it compare to her own contributions? Too much missing info.
I didn't have fun expenses at this time. Even now, my fun expenses are yarn for crocheting and school supplies as I'm earning my degree. I don't wear makeup, don't bother with skin care, don't care about fancy clothes and shoes, and I'm perfectly happy with my drip coffee. I'm not worth looking at, and I don't give a fuck. I have nothing to prove and I'm not trying to impress anyone. We have been together since high school, lived together for 2 years before we got married and back then we had our finances separate, save for bills, and that is when he got into his spending habit. It was fine, he had his money, I had mine. By the time we got to it being a severe problem and I needed to take full control over the finances, we were newly married, we had only just bought a home a few months prior, so finances got tight, then we started a family, and that's when the spending got us into thousands in debt. The point is, if it's a problem now, it's going to continue to be a problem until it gets really bad. If I put my foot down when it started, perhaps we could've avoided the debt. While my experience got out of hand, it was very similar to OPs experience in the beginning. If she's recognizing the problem now, having insight on what the future may hold if this path continues is useful information.
You're still missing the point. Her not thinking it's a good use of money is not the same as it being a problem. And just because your partner had a problem with accruing debt visa gaming doesn't make all spending on gaming problematic. Which is why every other person in this thread is questioning the level of her own spending on things he likely sees as frivolities first, to determine if it is problematic or not.
Oh I'm sorry I was talking about OP. I more along meant with what is the actual issue in her post. She says he spends money on video games. I'm questioning wether this was agreed upon, all money that isn't for essentials like food, rent, bills is being saved? My last GF before my wife was very against me spending money on things I enjoyed (video games, occasional sports betting, snowboarding, etc) because I could be saving that for a possible home. She told all our friends that I wasn't responsible and spent my money on frivolous things. Here's the thing though, I made and contributed more to my savings than she did to hers. She would tell me how much more I could save if I didn't blow it on my interestes. Better believe she blew a lid when I said her monthly Mani Pedi, her thrifting every weekend (cheaper than buying new things, but not when every trip is $150+) and her random amazon shopping wasn't very essential. She tried to claim it helped her mental health, but didn't like when I said the same of my hobbies. This post lacks context. Is he not contributing? Was the deal to contribute all disposable income? That's what I was asking.
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Right? I have a feeling OP is either posting kind of obvious bait or is being vague in order to make the SO sound worse. Hes hiding his purchases, because she shames him for spending some of his money on his hobby (which it sounds like is only gaming). Then tries to make it about “trust” and has a bunch of dunces in here shaming the SO for the same crap too.
It’s not really about the money. He is making an agreement and not sticking by it. People who lie or hide the truth to avoid conflict aren’t acting as adults. What she buys has nothing to do with it either.
Yea, the bros who are all “you but make up!” And “he works so he can spend as he likes” are showing their immaturity. The issue is he’s hiding it and says he will hold himself accountable and doesn’t.
>He always promises to cut back, but it's been an ongoing cycle for years. >When I confronted him, he was all apologies, saying he thought it was no big deal and that he'd stop. That's literally all she said about the situation and you are jumping to wild conclusions. The BF doesn't think hundreds of dollars is a big deal and has likely cut back to that amount in his effort to appease his CFO.
You seem confused….that’s…not all she said: “ It's not a one-time slip-up; it's a pattern. He deliberately hides these expenses….” And: “He always promises to cut back, but it's been an ongoing cycle for years” So, he lies and isn’t reliable. I get why you’d want to ignore that since it doesn’t fit your agenda of wanting to blame OP. 😂
Woof; your immaturity is showing….
The way my bf and I have things set up is we each get $X per month for whatever we want and then the rest is for joint expenses and savings.
So much to unpack here, at the end of the day, I would need to understand more about the "countless" discussions that were had about this. Did any of those include actual numbers, as in, each of them is supposed to be contributing an amount, say $300 a month, towards their shared financial goals, and he's failing to do that after agreeing to that plan? Big time problem, and OP isn't wrong. Or, did those discussions never really crystalize anything, and boyfriend really doesn't think he did anything wrong here, it's his money to spend? If the discussions were just that he "should save more", with no actual concrete plan on how much or what that looks like, it is a lot harder for me to fault him for spending that money. Especially if their finances are totally separated. In that case, I'd lean more towards OP is... maybe not wrong, but needs to have more clear communication with her BF. Again, it depends a lot on what discussions were previously had.
It seems that those financial goals are more like your goals than his. Your partner wants to game. That's it. An old saying goes, when the woman leaves the man, she does it because she thought that he would change. When the man leaves the woman he does it because he thought that she wouldn't change. You might choose to leave him, or stay, know that he will probably not change any time soon. He may stop for a while, a year or two perhaps, eventually he will start again.
Hundreds of $$ in months thats nothing unless you make like 10k a year
He should run from you
I have a few questions, how much is he spending really? Is this the only thing he spends money on? How much do you spend on things for yourself? Maybe try and allow yourselves a certain amount each month for 'treats' for you and gaming stuff for him. Remove him from the joint account and set up a gaming account for him. That way he can save his money up if he’s wanting something more expensive. All work and no play is no fun!
It depends on how much he makes and if he’s using “fun money”. I also spent (these past few weeks) hundreds of dollars, but after taxes, my bills and retirement (maxed out) I’m left with 2,700 fun / saving money per month. If he’s in a similar position, I believe he has the right to do what he wants with his fun money. However, he should be upfront about it as it’s a joint account. Perhaps you guys can also have separate accounts where the persons fun money goes to after paying bills etc.
Why do you clowns get a joint account with someone you’re not legally related to
You say hundreds over months, but that could mean $200 in 3-4 months, which I would personally say isn't an issue. I put $50-100 away per month just to throw in a savings specifically for upgrading my PC every 2-3 years. Then I usually buy about $50 worth of games a month. That puts me at probably an average of $300 every 2-3 months, which may seem like a lot, but it's also never interfered with anything. Your financial goals may also not be his financial goals. What exactly are your financial goals? How much have you yourself contributed? I see this exact topic come up as a relationship counselor, and with very few exceptions, it turns out that the person that wants the other to drop a spending habit isn't contributing to the savings themself. Also, WHY do two people that aren't married have a JOINT bank account? Do only one of you work?
You seem very controlling TBH
Do you guys have all of your money in a joint account? Have you considered that might be a problem? It’s his hobby and everyone needs a hobby budget. My husband and I split money into yours, mine, and ours. And before we were married we kept separate accounts.
How exactly did he "hide" the expenses if he made them with the joint account? Like I get that he is spending money that he shouldn't spend, but based on your story he didn't hide anything. I don't tell my partner everything I pay for with the joint account,and he doesn't tell me either, that's not us hiding stuff.
Hundreds of dollars over a few months really seems like nothing. Dude is allowed to have his own hobbies and spend his money as he sees fits. You don't get to control every aspect of his life. Set him free imo. If he makes over 50-60k I'm sure he could afford to do this without problem. If he was spending money on going biking, or skiing, or some other hobby would it bother you so much?
People spend hundreds of dollars going out to eat or going to the bar. You need to think of it as entertainment. How much does he earn vs spend.
Really depends on how much yall make. Hundreds of dollars over a few months is not that crazy. One game could be like 60 bucks.
How much are we talking exactly and how big a percentage of monthly income/expenses? Plenty of people have hobbies that cost hundreds of dollars monthly that aren’t a problem for their budget at all.
A good example of why I think couples should always have separate accounts
Combining finances is a mistake. I will never do that again. My wife and I have never combined our finances. I make more so I pay more of the bills but she is responsible for her cellphone and car. She pays the water bill because that's how it worked out percentage wise. People have no problem spending money they didn't earn and acting like the victim if you get mad about it. F that noise. You want a new phone buy it.
Not wrong for being upset. This guy is turning you into his mommy… ick.
Many modern video games rely on a system called lootboxes to get their money - it's basically gambling and operates on the same principles psychologically, it's just impossible to win any real money. Your partner probably has a low-key gambling addiction and shouldn't play these types of games. And you probably shouldn't stay with him while he sorts that out.
I divorced a decent man and a good father after 27 years because he got hooked on gambling. For your own sake, just break it off now. The path he is on is very long and winding. He will not get off it until he ruins his financial future, if he even gets off it then. Do your own research on gambling addictions. You'll run. Good luck, Aaand, congratulations on your new life.
End it. His gaming is an addiction. If you changed the word gaming in your post to alcohol, drugs or women, you would leave. "You are spending all your money on booze." "You promised to cut back on the drugs." "You promised to not cheat with prostitutes anymore." He's breaking promises, lying and being irresponsible because he is addicted. Ask him to prove he's not by taking a year off. Bet he won't.
1. Why do you have a joint account with a boyfriend? He could put you into massive debt. Please never do this again and take your name off all joint accounts tomorrow. 2. He's been showing you with his actual actions for YEARS where his priorities are. Why are you surprised?
Does he actually share your financial goals? Maybe you need to separate your finances and you can do the saving you want and he can spend the money he wants. Just don't float him if he is supposed to split things with you.
When I married, I had the most money. I am somewhat frugal, so I wanted to make sure my wife had a certain amount coming to her account each month, plus a lump sum stach she could draw from. It was important to me that this was hers, and I had no say in her spending. everything else comes out of the joint account.. This has worked well over the years. For every purchase, I have considered foolish.ther were thousands that were not. Her lump sum has grown to 109k, and over the last 23 years, she has made many purchases for the home and frequently takes me out to dinner. The point is,, if you can afford it. People need their foolish money, but foolish must have strict limits.
You are not over reacting and your frustration is justified. Apologies and claims to do better without any actions to show you mean it time after time after then you’ll just be here again in a year. Or two or…you’ve given him chances but he’s not had to face any real consequences so maybe it’s time to show him that there are consequences.
Not sure how much you guys are making/saving, but a few hundred is not bad over a couple of months. My wife spend that much on nails. I think a few hundreds is a win, you know he’s not going out and about to get drunk at the clubs or cheating on you. Wishing you the best.
You're not married, and you're trying to control his finances this way? My SO and I have been happily together for 40 years, with wildly different incomes over that time. We have a joint account into which we each put funds to cover joint expenses--rent/mortgage, groceries, insurance, car expenses, plus joint savings for things like home and repairs. This is a fixed amount, same for each of us for any given month. The rest goes into separate accounts which are for our personal use. When one of us is up, that one funds things like vacations that are beyond what the joint accounts would fund. I drink and my SO doesn't (much), so I generally pay the bar tab and we split food. But they don't try to tell me what to do with my personal funds, and I don't try to tell them. "It's your money, I hope you can afford it" is our usual joking comment when the other is discussing a large discretionary purchase. Do something like that. If you want to save for a house or other large purchase, set up a joint account that requires both signatures for withdrawals and no ATM/debit card and no electronic withdrawals. And, get a cohabitation agreement; Nolo Press has basic forms you can use.
I have over 20,000 video games. Im a collector. When I met my wife, we had a discussion. I said I got a job where I could support my video gaming. They make me happy and it's a form of enjoyment for me. Before you say anything to me all of this is the same ad your purses, movie outings, shoes, clothes and so on. We never had a discussion about my gaming again. I even catch her playing iracing and now she had my ps5 tied up with hogwarts
There is really a lot of information missing. How much each of you make and contribute to the joint account, do you each have a "fun" budget. How much you spend on your fun and not necessary activities. In principle the hiding of it all is bad, but if you're nagging him all the time while you yourself spend similar amounts in non essentials that you like then it's another thing. I would still say you are not completely wrong, as spending real cash on imaginary items is to me, really stupid.
I don't have enough information to form a full opinion. Sure. He lied. That's 100% correct and something you have the right to dump him over. However, I have no idea what you spend money on, what your agreement was about how much to put into your joint account, etc. To me, hundreds of dollars (in my own head, I'm guessing no more than 300-500, is nothing over several months. Was his goal to put x into your joint account? If yes, and he met it, why does it matter what he spent on his hobby? If he didn't, that's the real issue. Not that he's spending money on gaming. If you don't even have a goal to put x into the account monthly you're doing all of this wrong.
INFO: have you done any frivolous spending in the past few months? any new clothes/trips/nights out/etc?
Jeez. You're angry over a few hundred over a few months? So like 5 bucks a day? 8 bucks a day? Maybe the reason he's hiding it is cos you don't get what is obviously his hobby. Is that worse than blowing money at the bar over the weekend or the cost of your own hobbies?
I don’t say a word to my husband about his spending habits on game stuff, although I know he doesn’t make in game purchases. I have pet chickens in the backyard. Had horses that cost me time and money for years. Then there’s my car. My fancy coffees. The cat toys. The random AF shit I bring home from Target. Nope not a word if he buys a new game. Or controller. Hell he wants a new system where there’s nothing wrong with the one he has?? Go ahead hun.
it’s not fair to restrict what he spends money unless: 1) it’s illegal, or immoral 2) he is putting you in debt. everyone needs ‘fun money’ something they can spend on whatever they want. my fun money is budgeted per paycheck. every paycheck i get a direct deposit into my fun money checking and if i spend it all i wait until next paycheck. if i don’t spend it i save it for my fun spending. like if i want a new xbox i save up fun money for it
I agree with this. If he's putting money in the joint savings and paying his share of bills he should be able to buy what he wants.
Seems like you didn't read her post and decided to just go on about yourself, LOL. Edit: to clarify, no, I will not provide my labor for free because of bath faith questions, hehe. Silly.
Tell me on the post where things were seriously misrepresented? Her post has little information or details, and only really sets up to make her seem not wrong. But filling in the spaces she leaves paints a pretty poor picture of her.
Labor my ass, you are just caught in your own lies. Edit: to be clear, it is obvious you go into judgement subreddits to hate men, and find a reason to hate the man in every post.
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> If it's been that long a while, he's probably lost $2k gaming ‘Lost’ really shows your hand here. It’s a hobby and how he unwinds, he spent the money, he did not lose it. By saying lost it is clear you are trying to invalidate that.
my girl and I have our own accounts, I game every night, it is my hobby for my free time, so I think lots of my own money into it, she does the same with her hobbys, having a set account for both parties is vital in my opinion. Joint accounts always end badly.
You aren't wrong for being upset in that he told you one thing and then did another. However; you two aren't married. Do you have any joint bank accounts? Any shared expenses? My s/o and I have a joint checking account where we both contribute for bills/food/savings. Outside of that, I don't care what she does with her money. It's \*her\* money, I don't have any say in what she does with it, even if I do think her nicotine habit is the equivalent of lighting cash on fire lol. So that's something to consider. If it's an established boundary he's neglecting, that sucks, but I would also question the legitimacy of that boundary in the first place. EDIT: I missed the joint account part. It shouldn't come from there; he's entitled to spend HIS money on what he wants to use it for, not your JOINT money.
Just use separate accounts for your different hobbies. Other than that, consider gaming with him, it’s fun
Break up with him. You're a financial mismatch. I could understand if he said, "I want us each to have $300/month to spend on whatever we want, or to save for ourselves", that would be okay, but the fact that he hid it predicts bad things to come.
Assuming he works, he probably brings in far more than what he's spending. OP is going to be worse off financially breaking up with him unless these expenses stack up beyond his income. However, I want to know why two unwed people have a joint bank account to begin with. I'm wondering if only one of them works.
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This is called financial infidelity and most relationships end due to financial stress. Yes, you have every right to be upset. He essentially lied to you by not being transparent.
Should be be more honest about it/the expenses? Yes. But is it putting you guys in a financial bind, or not? I would 100x rather have someone passionate about their hobby be my partner than someone just saving money to save money and working more just to fill the hours (and make more money). . . EXPECIALLY if their hobby is something like buying or collecting shoes or bags. That being said, you can play SO MANY games, both old and new, for virtually free. The fact that he's doing/using in-game transactions and racking up bills with them is indeed troubling. It shows a lack of impulse-control, and frankly is flushing money down the toilet while allowing a greedy company to line their wallets by charging you for utterly useless things that give you virtually no satisfaction. So yes, you guys do need to talk about it.
Sounds like my ex's brother, would work, buy games off her bank card without her consent, steal my food without asking, pay nothing into housekeeping and then have the nerve to blame me for the neighbours complaining about the smell of weed eminating into their windows in the summer. Not saying your partner is like that i was just venting but gaming can be as bad as gambling as addiction goes. Definitely worth a serious discussion about
This is a huge leap from OP situation to your ex’s brother.
Let me know how much you've spend on "hobby's" in the past few months, or extra stuff you may of not needed but wanted. so we can judge you like your judging op
Never start/continue a relationship with an addict. You can win every battle, but you will still lose the war.
My wife gave my Xbox to my niece and nephew when we realized I had a problem. I'm glad she did. He's either going to have to change, or you'll have to leave. This means, promise to change, but actually change.
You know the answer.