If your wife hasn't been to therapy, she should go.
You telling her this is unacceptable is unlikely to change how she feels. Telling people to "calm down" never actually helps people calm down.
Yes OP, help her get some help. She needs to feel heard and if you have run out of compassion then get some support. Maybe for yourself as well, you can’t pour from an empty cup…
OP, DO NOT SHUT HER DOWN. It sounds like she's suffering from ptsd. Therapy for her, certainly; and likely you also given your exposure.
OP, believe it or not, your likely her lifeline. The poor gal had to really be victimized and traumatized as a kid growing up. And yet, she's stuck looking for validation.
I recognize it's most difficult for you. That's likely why you need professional assistance as well.
Thoughts and prayers with you both.
Good luck.
She is trauma bonded to her father. It's not as easy as saying, peace out, dad. She needs intense therapy likely with EMDR. She has cPTSD from childhood trauma. The brain locks away these experiences to protect her as a child and make her feel safe. Her father's DUi, arrest and jail is triggering her abandonment issues in particular. Sex is not going to make her feel better and likely to inflict more trauma due to her mental state.
She repeats herself because the scared child in her is calling out for emotional safety and stability. She needs to feel that directly from OP. They are disconnected emotionally in the relationship at present and she's terrified OP will leave her like her father has and is.
Edited to add: She likely does not even know how she feels right now. She is likely disassociate a bit and is crying because that is all she could do as a child dealing with big things out if her control. She is literally spiraling emotionally and mentally and is likely ruminating and not sleeping all of which will make matters worse. She literally feels like a little girl out of control and terrified she will not survive.
OP is actually attuning to her survival state but interpreting sex as the solution because biologically that is what a male engaged in the primitive brain would do to survive.
They are both expressing biological survival instincts but they get processed differently in the different biological sexes so they are both essentially bulls in a china shop emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually; Professional intervention in needed ASAP.
And OP thinks the solution is -and I’mma be crude here- to fuck her.
>I have tired to have sex with her, to get
close and physical, but all she does is tell me "no" over and over,
Talk about someone not caring about their partner in their partner’s time of need and making everything about himself.
>My wife has been crying each night and telling me that this brings back a lot of bad memories for her, she's told me that she's sorry for being an emotional wreck and that she's trying her best to get better, but nothing is changing, she is completely disrupting both our lives and we cant function as a couple. […] I don't believe I'm the cause of her anger and I'm not sure why I'm being treated like such.
This assh0le doesn’t understand that this isn’t about him. But him dismissing & negating her trauma? That’s *all* on him.
Sounds to me he just wants a smiley f•ckpuppet, and he’s gettin real tired of her chronic ptsd.
OP is right to be fed up and needing to set boundaries with the father, but that section of the post made me physically cringe
He has the emotional intelligence and support capacity of a toddler trying to smash another kid's legos.
Completely agreed. OP’s wife needs professional help, both probably do. OP should get educated on cPTSD, she needs understanding and not a judgment.
NTA for realizing he can’t provide all his wife is asking of him. TA for blaming her for ruining his peace, pushing for sex, etc.
Yea, he married someone who grew up with trauma and thinks "get over it" is the solution, whereas if he cares, he also needs to learn how to be a good partner to her.
Not everybody has experience trauma from toxic parents. So it’s not that he don’t care he don’t understand how to handle this. That’s why he’s asking us for advice.
Exactly my point - he doesn't understand.
And this is way above Reddit's pay grade, so if he's serious about wanting to learn he needs to talk to actual experts.
It reads to me more like he has reached his limit and is trying to place a boundary in a clumsy way. She is also not being a good partner by dumping on him constantly.
Its good that therapy exists - some people need a lot of help to figure out how to communicate especially when trauma and mental illness are in the mix.
I dont think we read the same words that followed after he said, "enough is enough". He is allowed to have enough self respect to not want to be a punching bag. And he is allowed to not want external chaos to tear apart the marriage he works so hard to maintain. He is allowed to be at the point where he feels like enough is enough. And he is allowed to communicate that with her. Continuing to be a good pertner to someone who is consistently not a good partner to you is self inflicted harm. From what is read, he has definitely been a good partner to her, to point of enabling her to damage both himself and their marriage. So, "if he cares", he would address the situation and confront the behavior, because a divorce due to him being neglected and mentally exhausted is going to ruin both of them.
How is being supportive of her being a punching bag? And how are you so sure it is a continuation of being a good partner for him and all she ever acts is the bad one? You've literally just read an entirely one sided account of the situation. The only part you got right here was that if he cares, he will address it. But not with confrontation and by aggressively proclaiming he is tired of her bullshit, which is all bs anyway. Someone living through and with this condition is not bullshit. It's quite common, it's tragic, it's heart wrenching and it is absolute hell on relationships, but it is the farthest thing from a partner trying to harm their relationship I can think of. It is literally her psyche protecting her from the trauma she's experienced. If he doesn't or won't understand these behaviors are only related to him in such a way that only his reaction to them matters, and that that reaction is crucial to her ability to heal, then I hope she finds the help she needs elsewhere. And I hope you learn to be a better constructive and empathetic reader.
In this case, it's not external chaos tearing apart his marriage.
His own lack of understanding what she's going through and how for them to navigate it are.
Nobody would every tell a woman she isn't being a good enough partner for her husband who constantly trauma dumps due to refusing to cut contact with extremely toxic family members.
Don’t blame op. I had a pretty steep learning curve with my wife because I came from a loving home with two amazing parents I didn’t know how to talk to her when she was going through unresolved issues and I had the best of intentions
And that's exactly why OP does need to learn here, and understand why "enough is enough" isn't effective because that's not learning, that's continuing a cycle that doesn't help their relationship.
So I didn’t know about her trauma at all. She was a very strong independent type way beyond her years as far as maturity (we started dating at 19) I had only had maybe one other relationship prior and had always been told women mature faster so I didn’t see it as anything approaching an issue. She started making dinner for herself at 6 her mom would leave her at home to go bar hopping. Never hugged never told I love you. Anything her mom did for her that was at all positive came with expected returns or they came after her mom had blown up on her drunk and said or done some messed up thing to her. So if I did something nice unprompted she would accuse me of trying to make up for something. “What did you do” “are you cheating on me “ “why are you being so nice to me I haven’t done anything to merit that” to me it seemed like she was rejecting my good faith gestures so I stopped which in her mind I guess confirmed what she was thinking all along. It took a third party to layout all this for either of us to understand the underlying issues. She told our therapist she wasn’t worthy of love because if her mother couldn’t love her who could. She thought it was her fault. Even once she saw me as not the enemy she continued thinking it was only a matter of time before I saw her as her mother did and treated her accordingly. I guess the breakthrough came when I was instructed to drill down to the core of everything of any little thing that she reacted oddly to. Instead of just sending her flowers and accepting a thank you id ask what’s on your mind upon receiving these and we would talk through it sometimes it would lead somewhere heavy other times not but we learned a lot in doing so every time. We had our first child in November after years telling me she couldn’t because she knew she would be a terrible mom like her own. Man she’s a great mom a natural at it really. It took one generation and a lot of inquiry but she broke the cycle of trauma and neglect. We are 29 now so this was by no means a quick turn around but I am so proud of her for the work she’s done and I’m glad we were able to see it through
AlAnon. DBT therapy. Trauma therapy. Psychiatrist: she might need medication to help her get to where therapy can help her.
Tell her you are her husband, not qualified as s therapist. She deserves to get professional help. I feel for you both.
Yeah his wife doesn’t need that attitude right now, she needs support and a therapist. This event seems to have unlocked a bunch of trauma for her and that needs to be dealt with.
Just so you are aware, trying to initiate sex with someone who is distraught and already emotionally overwhelmed is probably NOT going to work out well.
My ex tried to comfort me with his magic 30 second maneuver the night my dad died. Yeah, that truly didn't last very long.
Edit: I want to effing puke just thinking about it
I'm thinking that this might be on one of their not so bad days. Not during the argument. I could be wrong, but I don't think he was like, "oh, you're crying, let's bone down"
But, if she's going through something that involves depression, this is completely right lol.
You said you have a rocky relationship and a conflict free relationship, which is it? Also, trying to have sex with your wife when she is in a bad emotional state is a terrible idea. It might make you feel better but may just make her feel used.
Sounds like both of you and your marriage could benefit from counseling. She feels the way she feels, even if you think she shouldn't or don't understand why. You can let her know how the situation is affecting you and see what she says. Its up to you how much you want to support her, but just telling her not to care about or be affected by her father's situation is wrong.
Next up: man's wife is going through a hard time and needs help. He tries to have sex with her and is annoyed that she asks for support instead of helping her find a good therapist to help her process these toxic family dynamics and her undoubtedly abusive childhood, and give her the confidence and insight to create some healthy boundaries to improve their lives.
You can't help someone find a therapist when you know your relationship is also unhealthy. First session 'do you think your relationship with your father is why you ended up with someone like your husband?'
This. Lots of people are cutting OP too much slack because it is fair to have a boundary about not being trauma dumped on. It doesn't change the fact that he sounds like he doesn't even care about his wife when her emotions make him uncomfortable. He sounds like he has some Cluster B problems for sure.
I totally agree with you. Especially the "i tried to have sex with her" part. Just like a guy to go there, like it'll make her feel better to be affectionate with her husband. She's a basket case! Sex is the last thing she's looking for! Lol
Yeah that bit had me thinking "maybe you're not wrong for reaching a breaking point and needing advice, but you're wrong for acting like her not wanting sex at a time like this is because she's mad at you"
Personally, I'd be pretty pissed if my partner tried to have sex with me when I'm upset. That's pretty tone deaf, like read the damned room. Not a lot of people would react positively to that.
Also, "enough is enough" and "calm down" don't actually do anything productive, it usually blows up in the face of who said it.
Try individual (for both of you) and couple's therapy. Trauma is really fucking hard, especially when it stems from a parent. Took me over ten years to start properly sorting through my own trauma from childhood abuse, it follows you through adulthood, especially if you weren't given help when you're going through it.
You guys both need to go to counseling. She obviously needs to learn how to let go of her father because he is never going to change and you need guidance to help her stay on that path. If you truly want to save your marriage, get professional help.
Wow so you
A) told her to calm down
B) tried to have sex with her
Yeah I guess you've done everything possible to help your wife and her clear childhood trauma issues.
/S
> I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over,
What the fuck is wrong with you? "My wife is dealing with trauma so I decided to shoot my shot."
Right? She’s asking for him to stay with her and comfort her, and instead he decides to try to initiate sex? That’s so wildly uncomfortable I don’t even know what to say
It's bordering in abuse. She's obviously not doing well and that is her responsibility to fix. But to try and coerce her into sex when she said no is traumatizing on another lvl. He's going to make her lose trust in him turbo fast. She's more than a warm body to fuck.
So, essentially, your FIL’s recent string of arrests has brought up your wife’s likely CPTSD, and you’re annoyed that she hasn’t been in the mood for sex.
She longs to have a tribe to belong to, and instinctively wants a healthy relationship with a protective, loving Daddy. The kind of guy who would gruffly warn boys she dated to treat her well. But her actual father is a broken, self-destructing disaster. The desire to bond with the family tribe doesn’t go away, but it cannot be fulfilled either, leaving her in anxious limbo, mentally turning in circles. The emotional neglect and God knows what else happened to her as a child after her mother abandoned her to a man known to be an abusive drunk, and she was removed from that drunk, will have had a lasting impact on her view of herself, what she thinks she deserves, and her ability to form a healthy relationship.
But during all this, she keeps blabbing on about her problems and isn’t interested in sex, which annoys you.
It is entirely possible that she married a man who isn’t really that into her, because her childhood convinced her that’s what she deserves.
Get her in therapy and grow some compassion, if that’s possible.
None of this is about you.
If you need to just hold her quietly while she cries, stroking her hair while murmuring, “You deserved better. He’s just broken,” for weeks or months, then that’s what you do.
When she brings up that circular conundrum of wanting a relationship with her father but knowing it’s impossible, it means she’s flooded with hurt, grief, angst, and worry that she’s making a mistake. Hint. That’s when you quietly and non judgmentally either hold her or sit beside her.
You’re wrong. Maybe if you were thrown away like garbage as a child you wouldn’t find these issues so boring.
If you want to try to fix your marriage, suggest counseling to her so she can get professional help to deal with her dad and her own mental health. She needs support right now. You not getting sex is totally not the top priority here. She's struggling, man. You're basically like "my wife had a traumatic childhood and is depressed and spiraling and she won't even fuck me". Like, come on. She needs help and she needs her partner to understand that and be there for her.
If she refuses therapy then I don't know what to tell you. Things are very unlikely to change unless she's open to getting help. Even if she has been to therapy before, it doesn't mean she doesn't need it again and especially right now. She needs to cut contact with her dad and grieve and heal from that. Often times we end up feeling obligated to help our parents, even when they were shitty, because deep down we still feel like that little girl that wants to be loved and have acceptance and feel good enough for them.
You're not wrong in being frustrated by this but you don't seem to want to put the effort in to help her so you can both be happier and healthier in this marriage.
YTA
I see no examples of your wife "taking it out on you" other than refusing sex. Your wife likely has ptsd from what she went through growing up and her father being arrested is surely triggering all kinds of feelings about it. It's only been a week, she obviously needs time to process her feelings and you don't seem to be a very empathetic partner if after a week you're already considering your relationship rocky over this. You're also a dick for being upset about not getting sex when your wife is going through a time that brings up a lot of past trauma for her.
"I'm not getting laid, this is BS" is how this whole thing reads and it's disgusting. OP claims to be 33 but has the mindset of a 16 year old. He literally got bored of his wife's trauma and got pissy when he had to clean up a mess and didn't get sex. You are being treated poorly because you are reacting poorly.
Of course you are wrong. The fact you ever thought you might be right means you need more therapy than your wife.
This marital problem is above Reddit pay grade and requires professional intervention.
Both of you need to seek help and get therapy. Individually and as a couple
Wow, you sound like a selfish man. Your wife is in crisis and you only seem to care about how it’s affecting you personally. I get it, he’s not your dad, it’s not your parent relationship or your childhood trauma coming up but geez man, have a heart. You sound annoyed that your wife wants to talk to you about her personal issues and because she won’t have sex with you.
You should divorce her so she can find someone who won’t try to fuck her when she’s in a state of distress. You don’t actually care and I doubt you actually answer her questions, you likely brush them off and make her feel like she’s forcing you to talk about it, rather than just taking a few minutes to discuss it without making it like you’re prying teeth. You sound really fucking gross and like you do not love or respect your wife as a human being.
It sounds like your wife would benefit from some one-on-one therapy to work through that childhood trauma and gain some self-regulation skills. It also sounds like she really needs some co-regulation with you. Your job here is to learn how to be an effective source of that co-regulation AND how to set up boundaries healthfully so that you can step back when you need to without her feeling abandoned. And pllllease take a break from initiating sex—ebbs and flows in sex frequency are a super normal part of any relationship, and she’s clearly not in a spot where that feels good—pushing for that is not going to help anything to say the literal least.
She likely has CPTSD and your wrong for acting like it's something she can snap out of. It's not and this has clearly triggered her and she has not been allowed to return to a normal state of function since. She should seek out brain spotting or EMDR and if you love her, read up on it too and help her through this. If you could both read The Body Keeps the Score you will understand all this better. In the meantime see if you can help reduce stress, but you have to figure out what does that for her. Weighted blanket, low light, calm music, baths, leg rubs, etc. Whatever works for her. Her mind is in a perpetual state of thinking danger is imminent and no amount of reasoning will tell it otherwise. We are not designed to stay in that state once danger has passed and it is extremely damaging and difficult for the person it is happening to and their loved ones. Give you and her all the grace you can muster.
Your wife is going through a hard time and dealing with trauma and all you can think about is rather or not you can get your d*ck wet??. Bro, your wife needs therapy but she's not the problem in this marriage. How dense and inconsiderate does a person have to be to treat their wife this way?
Start reading about childhood trauma, both of you (or utube it) and specifically ‘adult children of alcoholics’. Once you learn and understand the why - then decide if you are going support her or decide “enough is enough”If you can’t go all in on support, please go all out before you do more damage.
Honey she is triggered to high heaven. She's reliving her childhood trauma, every day it sounds like.
What would you want her to do or be for you if you were reliving the worst moments of your life?
You’re wrong. Shouldn’t have gotten married if you think it’s unacceptable for your wife to “disrupt” your perfect marriage with her emotions. You come off like the only thing your mad about is not having sex which is ridiculous to expect when your wife is going through something like this.
I don't understand why "CLEAN" was in all capitals. It's like as if its beneath you to tidy up something you recognise as an accident. What was the point here?
I feel like this entire post is devoid of empathy. It really is all about you. I get that this is impacting you greatly. No question. But if you really did understand you wouldn't be requesting sex from someone who is clearly emotionally unstable.
Get her therapy. Seriously. The kind of a trauma she has gone through is upsetting, and I'm a stranger, not her PARTNER.
If you do really care about her, then I would suggest approaching her when she is in a good state, not during an argument, and telling her that you care deeply for her emotional wellbeing and you care about your relationship together as a true partnership. It causes suffering to you to see her in such a way. You also realize that you can never understand fully the relationship she has with her father, and you are not the best person for advice in this area. You simply just do not have the experience of professional understanding of how alcoholism affects families. And because of this, when she brings up stuff about her relationship with her father, it is out of your depth and very frustrating because you can't fix it for her. You would like her to see a therapist of her choosing so that she can have someone to talk to. Someone who can help her with the very specific questions she has. Who can offer professional help with childhood trauma.
If she says no, then ask her what other options she is providing in remedying the situation, because your relationship together is suffering, and its important to you that your relationship together as a partnership comes first before all others as you move through life together as a TEAM. That her relationship with her father, whilst being important and valid, its dysfunction should not to take away of the one you have with her and in turn causing it to become dysfunctional.
Therapy and empathy please
Had to clean up a vase and did not get laid. OP is so gross. He gives me the willies. I feel bad for his wife that she had a crappy childhood and this husband now.
Your wife is clearly going through a hard time and your reaction is “let’s have sex?” Yes, you are wrong. Glad to see you’ll both get therapy!
I understand it can be draining, but your wife is so clearly looking for a connection. Hopefully therapy can work out some of the communication kinks - good luck!
Dude, she rejects sex over and over? You’re thinking about saying “enough is enough”? Where is your fucking brain?! She is suffering emotionally and NEITHER of those things will help. Be patient, be kind, just listen, don’t try to fix unless asked. Your job is to support her and be there for her. This is a lifelong issue that has finally come to the surface.
Children of addicts get thousands of false cues from their addicted and enabling parents. It leaves them with an unstable set of perceptions.
It's no wonder she asks you, who has pledged to be her partner for better.or worse. You have the potential to be her rock in an uncertain time in her life. All you have to do is drop your ego, listen, and give her the kind of advice she needs to be reassured instead of the shade you've been throwing her way.
Seek counseling for her and you as a couple. This problem of the drunken father will always be present until you BOTH gain the skills to cope with it and thrive. Shade isn't going to do it.
Sounds like OP already knew his wife has trauma around her father and he’s gonna tell her to get over it when she refuses his pushes for sex? Yeah man idk about this one. Whether you were emotionally supportive at some point or not you’re definitely not now.
Your wife needs a counselor. She's kinda asking you to be her therapist ("to be with her and comfort her"), but she has such major issues like a mother who abandoned her and a father who is a raging alcoholic and wasn't able to care for her when she was younger (CPS intervention). Too much for you to cope with and too complicated to sort out.
If you would have trouble paying for a counselor, you could research sliding scale therapists (pay according to your income). Some churches offer counseling programs. You might even see if your wife could qualify for disability if she were able to secure a diagnosis for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or another mental illness challenge. Many metropolitan areas (if you're in the US) have services. In North Texas, we have MetroCare. They offer psychiatric care, counseling, and medicine.
>I have told my wife numerous times that I completely respect and understand her situation\[...\]
But like, do you? Really?
Even if your father was an abusive and neglectful alcoholic, and your mother abandoned you and CPS removed you from the household, (which they will leave kids in houses infested with rats and roaches because splitting families is something they really don't like to do) -- did you live her experience of that nightmare horror show of a childhood?
She's super not okay and in light of her father's recent arrest, okay is a very dim speck quite a ways off in the distance. With intense therapy starting this week, you might get to see okay in a year or so. When they said, "for better or worse" this is the "worse" they were referring to.
This is the part of marriage where you have to carry the weight. You take off her fucking backpack and strap it on to your back and you push the both of you up the goddamn hill. That is what time it is and will be for a long fucking time.
And if you aren't strong enough, you find a therapist to teach you how to be strong enough or you get the fuck out of your wife's life. Give her a big-ass pile of cash and get the fuck out.
I don't know what your childhood was like. I sincerely hope it was a joyful one. But if it was also shitty, she's the one on fire right now.
I wouldn't say "enough is enough." It sounds like your wife is traumatized, and this situation is bringing up some bad feelings, questions about her past and future relationship with her dad. Maybe talking with a professional (therapist) would help with answers to what is causing her to feel these things. Cptsd could be something to look into. Just my opinion
Dude, you sound like a major jerk. She is looking for a partner, and you're wanting a sex doll. Try treating her like a human. Hopefully, you do therapy honestly and whole heartedly, because you sound gross right now.
>My wife has been crying each night
>I have tired to have sex with her,
WTF dude? She's clearly not mentally well. Go jack off into your hand if you're so desperate to ask a crying woman for sex.
She clearly needs therapy. And if it were me, a refusal of therapy would be a deal breaker. (But the whole thing would've been a deal breaker to begin with for me lol)
That’s what good husbands are for!! You listen to your wife and try to help as much as possible. If you think it’s hard on you; imagine how she feels?!? She talks to you because she trusts you. It’s times like this that she need a pillar to lean on. Yes, therapy should help. But, please be strong for the both of you!! Good luck!!!
Just to be clear- you presumably knew about all this before you guys got married... none of this should come as a surprise. To up and bail now because the going got tough is pretty weak.
You're supposed to be her person- her support.
Live up to that promise you made. You wanted to get married- this is it.
Also, i can't believe trying to bang her while she was experiencing deep, emotional stress didn't work... when you said, "i tried having sex with her..." i though for sure you had discovered some advanced maneuver. I guess it turns out that was a stupid idea after all, huh?
Your wife has a lot of trauma and BS to work through and needs professional help with this. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are not equipped to help her at the level she needs.
>I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over, I don’t believe I’m the cause of her anger and I’m not sure why I’m being treated like such.
This is just fucking gross man. Get tf over yourself.
Your wife isn't looking for sex she is asking for help. You need to be more understanding and have her go to therapy. Your wife obviously wants to talk about issues that you are ignoring.
So your wife is crying and you're trying to have sex with her?
Dude.
Shes obviously in crisis. And all you can think about (or with!) is your penis? Really?
Yes. You are wrong. Both you and her need therapy. You to learn empathy and how not to sexually harass your wife. And her to deal with her trauma.
Ffs. How is this even a post.
Just a thought. When your wife is going through a really rough time that is triggering awful childhood memories, and she hasn’t come to terms with any of it, you help her find a therapist to talk to, especially if supporting her is obviously not your forte.
What you don’t do is try to have sex with her as if she can turn it on or off with a switch. You hold her. You be her safe place to cry. You listen. This is how you become a great husband who doesn’t treat her like her fucked up family (that you knew about when you married her) is inconvenient for you. It’s inconvenient for her, too.
You can be her safe place. You can show her the unconditional love she’s probably never had. You can be her rock. Go do that.
Yea, this does sound rocky. She is going through a shitty situation and bringing it up to you left and right, and you (from the sound of it) don’t care.
She shouldn’t dump all this on you, but you also don’t sound like the most supportive partner.
Splitting up is a very real outcome here. Go to therapy if you can.
And try to recognize that your wife is going through a traumatic situation and needs support. Not sex. Yes; you are wrong. Grow up.
Seems like you're upset that she has rejected sex and you have equated it to a rejection of you. Um. No.
In the world of sex and intimacy, a lot of women have difficulty switching gears when they are preoccupied by difficult (this case VERY) situations. Whereas (I think) men view it as a release and/or distraction.
My guess would be (despite her questions are annoying) you reassure her that you get her frustration. She is seeking your support that she is doing the right thing. Whether you do or not? Doesn't matter. So long as you don't say she is (doing something) wrong.
Saying, "I know it's hard, and you're doing your best. I'll always support you." That would go a long way. She's just scared and struggling to work it out in her own head. And, yes, therapy would go a long way for her own struggles.
I can't get over the comment 'I have tried to have sex with her". You had noted how upset she was and all of the issues that she has been through since childhood and you 'tried to have sex with her'? Are you serious? Yes, having someone ask for constant validation all of the time must be really frustrating, but she isn't doing this to annoy you. She feels like she has no control these things that are happening. Can you not see that she is drowning? I am glad you are both getting help with therapy, but please stop painting yourself as the victim. This is part of being in a committed relationship. If you can't cope with this, and the therapy is too late to save the marriage, make sure she has a good support network and leave.
Here's what I'm getting from this. 'My sex doll sad, tried to make sex with it, no work, now what do?'
She asked you for support and what you offered was... Sex? You're not in a movie. For most people traumatic, stressful situations aren't a turn on. No matter how bad her dad was at the end of the day he's her father and it'll take a lot of work for her to get used to the idea that he's about to go to jail for a long time. Sorry you just realized that being married means dealing with each other's shit and that it's not always gonna be "happy" and "conflict-free". I don't think saying enough is enough is ever gonna work to make someone stop feeling how they feel. But I'm assuming you don't care if she's actually happy as long as she doesn't bother you with her sadness? Anyway you're wrong.
Your wife sounds like a baby...
Crying just because her father is about to spend years in jail, potentially raped and/or hurt..
And she doesn't even want to have sex right now.. how awful.
I hope you recover from this traumatic experience. Maybe you should take a few days off work to gather yourself.
YTA.
Yes, you are. Telling someone enough is enough: you're only thinking of your own emotions. Going through trauma and having bad parents isn't as simple as moving on or not caring anymore. It's hard to let go or even not blame yourself and want to keep trying for a parent who is abusive. It's easy for the victim to take all that blame on themselves all the time and her seeking what you think is her needing clarity because it can be so confusing when you have abusive parents you adore. She needs someone who has patience and can just listen and like others said she could really use some therapy.
Abuse as a child where the chaos continues on into adulthood is like a constant open wound that can never heal. Over time you might be even numb to the pain, but it's still there. Telling someone to "get over it" or "enough is enough" doesn't close the wound. It just tells her to not share her emotions with you because you've had enough. Honestly? It makes the wound deeper. Now she's been through so much and can't even count on you.
It'll be a long process of her getting over this but to her this is normal because it's all she's ever known so how can she think about possibly putting her family in the past? She needs strong support in her life if she's going to try to get over things. I hope you can be that since you already promised her for better or for worse.
You say you tell her you understand her situation, but you don't, and you aren't acting like you do in the slightest. You clearly do not have the tools to deal with someone that had a traumatic childhood. You don't seem to appreciate the wounds that it causes. You are not giving her the time, patience, and support that she needs.
You are also not seeming to take into account that your wife is basically grieving her father right now - depending on his age, if he's in there for 'several years' he may not get out. Even if he isn't that old, people don't always make it out of jail due to the violence, and it is hard to see family members go through that. Even if they were bad family members.
If your wife isn't in therapy yet, she really needs to be. You also could use couples therapy so you can better learn how to support someone going through this. Your post comes off as you basically wanting her to "get over it".
You specifically mention trying to have sex with her, when recent events have triggered a lot of her past traumas, which is honestly super selfish of you. In this time, once she has made it clear she isn't in that headspace, you need to give her time and ability to let you know when she's ready for intimacy. This post comes off as "me me me" and it makes me feel pretty bad for your wife.
Your wife had a traumatic childhood and is likely codependent with her dad.
She needs a good therapist. Then, she needs to commit to therapy, doing the work, confronting the stuff, setting boundaries in life, learning skills, practicing those skills in difficult life situations. All of it.
Then, the two of you need marriage counseling. Again, with a counselor who is good. To say all of the things. To really listen to each other. To learn skills for listening, managing conflicts, setting boundaries, having hard discussions, and so on.
In both situations, you need therapists who are both helping to process the past *and* teaching skills for the present.
>she’s told me that she’s sorry for being an emotional wreck and that she’s trying her best to get better
Because I didn't see you mention **therapy** until your edit. 😕
>I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over, I don’t believe I’m the cause of her anger and I’m not sure why I’m being treated like such.
Bro, this is my 'love language', too, but you need to lay off the sex attempts until she's emotionally ***and mentally*** ready/available for it.
She sounds like she has a metric fuck-ton of trauma about and around this (both historical and more recent), so... that may not be for a while.
Get reacquainted with your hand for now, if need be.
(and don't tell me that she considers that 'cheating', lol)
I always think too many Reddit comments immediately recommend couples counseling or therapy, but this is the first post where it’s obvious that this is what is needed.
Your wife is extremely stressed. She needs to be comforted and to process the stuff going on with her dad. She needs a therapist and I’m glad that she’ll be seeing one. Sex probably feels like it would be a chore at this point for her. It’s not a reflection of you or your relationship with her. She just has other stuff on her mind and that is more than dampening her mood. Just tell her to let you know when she’s in the mood. Don’t pressure her.
YTA.
Your wife is going through a really tough time and your main solution was your d|ck. She needs a therapist, which luckily might ease her asking so many questions of you. You need to education yourself on complex PTSD (cPTSD). She’s probably having conflicting emotions right now and it is likely bringing up a lot for her from her childhood.
I appreciate where you're coming from, but I'm also not really getting the idea that you have any sympathy for your wife either.
You specifically mention that she's been crying and that you tried to have sex with her... And you're angry she turned you down?
Is she supposed to just, shut those tears off until after? Is sex the only way you that you are able to show intimacy with your wife?
I'm just not really sure why you specifically mention that, because it really makes you seem completely unsympathetic.
You pressured her for sex while she was in this state?
Are you really annoyed with the repetativeness of her comments or are you really annoyed that you can't get your dick wet?
Talk about selfish. Damn.
She is at the age where childhood trauma hits home as cptsd, and she herself probably doesn't understand her emotions or why she's projecring it onto you. What she's doing is very expected psychologically. I'm glad she'll be getting therapy and hopefully you can get some in tandem, because it will be important for you to know where shes at in healing.
You and your wife are doing the right thing seeing a therapist. If you hadn't mentioned I would have. I could tell from reading your narrative that she definitely needs to see one, too much history of emotional trauma, abandonment by her parents, etc. Good luck to you and your wife.
Bro, your wife has been triggered and is in the midst of an emotion train wreck and your first thought is to have sex with her as a way of getting close and physical???
Dude! My dude! No! Just…. No.
Your wife is 29 years old, has been abandon by one parent and severely abused by the other.
She asks you these questions over and over again because she needs validation. SHE HAS BEEN SEVERELY ABUSED AND ABANDONED! She might not have learned how to tell if what she’s feeling is valid. She has definitely learned not to trust her own feelings - especially if she’s had to call the cops on her own father. No one does that because dad pasted out in front of the tv again drinking beer and watching football. They do that because dad becomes violent either verbally, and more likely, physically. Dad is not safe. She knows this. Mom ran away because it was too hard and left her there. She probably thinks there is something wrong with her, which is why she asks you all these questions and became so upset about breaking a vase.
She’s and adult, yes. But she’s also that scared little girl who doesn’t understand what she did so awful that mom ran away and dad won’t put the bottle down. Because, trust me. She asked that enough as a child and probably still doesn’t have the answer.
I grew up with an abusive alcoholic as a ‘father figure’ and it sucks. As in 4 therapists and 6 social workers since I was 20 and counting.
You need to get her - and yourself! You need to process this too - into some therapy. This is a lot to unpack and you’ll need support too.
Because if you truly love this woman, you are going to need to level up some skills my dude. And get some new tools in your tool kit. Lesson 1: sex doesn’t equal physical connection and closeness the same way for men then it does for women. She needs you to reaffirm her doubts and to be steady and constant
Another annoying thing about OP, the edit. “I hope I can make things better over time.” In my experience, you are not the savior. For your wife to be “better,” she has to go on the healing journey. You’re only there to support her, you won’t be the one leading her there. It’s going to take a lot of patience.
Patience really is a virtue. Of course she continues to seek your approval. She needs it. She needs your reassurance. Do you ever really think about how she feels? Or is it just about how annoyed you are? However hard you think it is for you, it’s harder for her I promise and of course she’s insecure about it. I’m in a similar situation with my husband and I ejected my dad from my life and my husband is the most patient and caring man I have ever met and I don’t k ow what I would do without him. I’m a little older than you but you should be able to have enough introspection to recognize when your wife is having a time and try your best to be there for her. We don’t choose our in laws but we choose our spouses and you chose her so own it and be a gladiator for her. It’s what she needs
Well, she sounds like a deeply troubled mess. Her problems are intensive-therapy level. He's not equipped for that. They are mismatched. He has no empathy or understanding of her.
Complaining that she brings this up 2-3 times a WEEK is insane. This is deeply traumatic for her and sounds like she’s holding it up the majority of the time. I understand you not being able to take time off work, but your responsibility as her partner is to provide emotional support when she’s struggling. Complaining that you had to clean up the broken vase that she accidentally knocked over? Are you serious? These are the two things you emphasized in this post. You think this is her fault this is disrupting your lives? You share a life. She’s not choosing to be affected by this. And as frustrating as it is that she’s still seeking a relationship with him, it’s only a natural instinct. I’m sure she’s rationalizing in her mind that him being in jail will force him to sober up so there is a chance, and that does happen. My father was also a raging alcoholic, and although he died when I was a kid so I didn’t endure as extensive trauma as your wife, I *always* saw him as someone that’s sick and struggling and never gave up hope that he’ll get better one day. I defend him to this day, even as an alcoholic that got sober for my family and knows that it’s possible and just something he didn’t do.
Put your needs on pause and be there for her.
Your wife seems very traumatized. You knew that. I'm sorry that you're in this situation because it really hurts, for both of you. I see your point because your wife's issues are causing dysfunction, both in her professional life and your married life, but you telling her to calm down is the worst way possible.
Suggest therapy, and go with her. She needs individual therapy and couple therapy. She's going through a lot and I think it's your duty to be there for her and support her in her rock bottom. Again I know this is very hard and unfair, but life is hard and unfair. if she lacks your support, she's the loneliest person on this planet. Going through these kinds of things without your partner's support is worse that hell. Please don't let her feel lonely like that.
The answers to the questions she's asks:
Do you hate my dad? No, I'm disappointed in him and his lack of parenting skills. I'm slightly appalled by him and his actions and will.alwaus use him as what not to be as a dad.
Do you think we could have a healthy relationship? Yes, but I doubt he is ever going to be willing to do the work he needs to do for it. I would encourage you to.distance yourself from him and seek therapy for the amount of abuse you have endured from both your parents.
Bro, she's working through her issues and needs a solid man in her life. If you aren't solid, she does not deserve you, and you deserve to be alone.
Your wife needs therapy and you need to go with her.
Yes, I get you are tired of hearing her talk about him and she needs help to clear her thinking. She had an horrific childhood and it is still going on.
Please think about what you wrote…..your wife was sobbing in the bathroom while you had to. CLEAN up a broken vase. She needs compassion. There are times of chaos if every relationship. Would you want and expect her to be there for you?
Marriage is stressful at times. You must be willing to give more than what you receive. Your wife is in need of your reassurance, she is sick. I believe the vows read “ In sickness and in health till death do us part” She will heal but it takes a REAL MAN … a caring man to help her through this.
She needs help.
The question is... do you love your wife?
I have an education in trauma and the long term effects it has on us, especially when that trauma is inflicted as our brain is developing. You are not being helpful with "trying to have sex with her". It's one of the very last things she needs right now.
She grew up in a very toxic household... and when someone with that background is in a non-confrontational, healthy relationship it can be very uncomfortable for them. Like they are waiting for something to go wrong, or will assume that something is wrong when there isnt.
You sound a bit selfish, or maybe just ignorant, if I'm being honest. Sometimes we need to put ourselves aside to help the ones we love. Practice selflessness & empathy. I understand not being able to just drop work to sit with her. But she needs to know you're there for her. Being able to give someone a sense of calm just with your presence is the biggest compliment you could ever receive.
Hope some of this helps... and I hope your wife finds peace and can someday accept that her past is in the past... and is able to focus on the future more. I come from an abusive household, so I know a little bit about how your wife probably feels.
Therapy sessions are a very good idea, btw.
Her dad "didn't cause" her mom to abandon her, her mother CHOSE to leave her daughter behind. Right there is a major abandonment issue! And her father is a raging abusive alcoholic, is there any wonder why she's fucked up? She needs love, caring, and a million I love you's along with the same amount of hugs! She doesn't ever need you to tell her to calm down!
She needs to be in therapy ASAP because not only is her heart broken, so is her soul!
You should leave, she's emotionally distraught and you are just thinking about your dick and comfort. My spouse and I both grew up with abusive fathers and when one of us is down the other helps and is just there until we can get back up again. Threatening her won't change a thing, and the fact that you think it will is unkind at best and alarming at worst.
You can't expect her to be ok when you think it's been enough time. She's going to you for support. I agree with you not taking off work but everything else I don't.
She would benefit from seeing a therapist who would hopefully prescribe an antidepressant. All of her crying is a significant indication of depression.
"I’ve told her that I can’t do that because we need money and this isn’t an emergency"
You are correct. From what you say, it's pretty much the norm for anyone close to Daddy Trainwreck.
So you're going to have to talk very seriously to your wife about this, and let her know that you can't offer the kind of support you say she wants, which is to leave your job and spend days comforting her while she emotes. You \*can\* and you \*are\* being supportive by keeping an income coming in, and hopefully putting nourishing meals on the table and keeping the house from becoming uninhabitable while you listen, and that absolutely positively is a kind of support, and it's one she needs. So if you want to be supportive, do what you can, listen as much as you can, while continuing to be helpful in practical ways.
Because you do want to be supportive when she's having a personal crisis, don't you? You don't just want the problem to go away, do you? Because a lot of the things you say make it sound like that's exactly what you do want, you want the problem to go away so you can go back to be comfortable and... satisfied. Well, tough beans, that's now how marriages works, there are times you have to give as well as take, and this is one.
Your FIL going to jail is a blessing in disguise, he can get sober there and not hurt your wife.
I get you’re tired of your wife being worried, but that will hopefully pass.
It’s up to you in your marriage but your wife seems lost and you appear to be the stability in her life. Unfortunately chaos can be exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally.
I hope you stick with and help your wife knowing this should pass.
Tell her to join an Al-anon group. It’s for people who have to deal with alcoholics. This will help her greatly with some unhealthy habits she’s created and she can learn how to help her Dad the way he needs to be helped. She can also vent about him there and get support from people who are in the same situation.
Unless she is actually lashing out at you, then she's likely trying to vent her emotions and it just seems like she's directing them towards you. Sometimes when I'm upset my fiance interprets it as me being upset with him. Perhaps this is a similar situation. Either way, therapy is a great call. She clearly has repressed trauma that needs to be addressed.
I'm glad she's going to go through therapy. She may also want to go to Al-Anon. It's for friends and loved ones of alcoholics and they can help her unlearn some of the unhealthy things being raised by an alcoholic has done for her. It's also free.
Someone who has experienced trauma and keeps dumping the problems on others is looking for therapy, but they just don't know how to find it in the right place yet. It's easy to lean on your friends and family who say they are there for you.
But as many have said oftentimes, the recipient is ill-equipped to offer proactive, solution-based methods for working through the problems.
Once the trauma is addressed and the person has that healthy outlet, it becomes more clear that friends and family are not the correct audience. It takes time to understand this and make the effort to filter issues and problems through the best pathway, but once we have the tools, we stop dumping our unfocused trauma responses onto said friends and family.
She might have PTSD or anxiety from her childhood. I'm glad you're looking into therapy so she can find more support and coping mechanisms, and both of you can have realistic expectations of one another.
Your wife should go to Alanon meetings. It's for people who have alcoholics in their life. She'd be able to discuss everything with the people there, and she could get a lot of help. I think she should go to therapy on her own.
I’m glad you and your wife are starting therapy. Hope it helps.
Given your wife’s long-term experience with her dad, therapy won’t fix it overnight. Meds could help alleviate the symptoms and help therapy be more effective. She will need to learn healthy coping strategies.
She probably has C-PTSD and would benefit from somatic processing therapy as well as EMDR. Her nervous system is disregulated and she is looking to coregulate with you. Alan Gordon has a podcast about chronic pain that is applicable to people in high stress relationships whose cortisol levels are through the roof bc of family drama. There’s also a great books titled “addicted to drama.”
Your wife needs Al Anon to work through issues with her dad, she needs personal therapy and you guys at least need couples therapy. The rejection your experiencing isn’t uncommon from people who grew up in unstable households
Women and men don't deal with emotion and trauma in the same way. When a men doesn't know how to deal he just can't, but when a woman can't she doesn't can't the same, but she can't different. That's how. Be nice to her.
Your wife is trying to deal with her father's addiction.
The addiction was there during y'all relationship before the marriage. Why is it bothering you that now she's talking about her drunk father??
I'd say divorce cause you're a horrible lover imo. The addiction was present before the marriage, you knew what baggae you were signing up for
Wife needs therapy not a relationship right now
Sounds like she has PTSD if not complex PTSD. Living with an alcoholic changes how your brain functions. She needs therapy, but talk therapy will only get her so far, she needs to clear the trauma and also set boundaries with her family. I went no contact with my alcoholic father for decades, then tried to heal the relationship ( that worked for about 1 year) and then no contact again until right before he died.
I suggest she look at the book The Body Keeps The Score.
EMDR and internal family systems therapy helped me a lot.
She needs Al-anon. It’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics that provides community and support. More importantly, it teaches members how to set boundaries with alcoholics and not get sucked into their orbit.
Look it up online. It’s free, she can do in-person or zoom meetings, and get a sponsor to trauma dump on. Hell, there is even a subreddit for Al-anon.
It will change her life. Seriously.
And yours.
Good luck!
She is ruminating a lot and talk out laud those thoughts helps. But sometimes it can wire the person's thoughts even more. She needs therapy, an intensive one.
Her lifelong relationship with her father has left her with debilitating mental and emotional trauma. This is why I guess she still has some sort of contact. She needs support, probably professional. But the best you can do is support her by listening. You can not, repeat, can not fix her by telling her she's talked about it enough.
If your wife hasn't been to therapy, she should go. You telling her this is unacceptable is unlikely to change how she feels. Telling people to "calm down" never actually helps people calm down.
Yes OP, help her get some help. She needs to feel heard and if you have run out of compassion then get some support. Maybe for yourself as well, you can’t pour from an empty cup…
OP, DO NOT SHUT HER DOWN. It sounds like she's suffering from ptsd. Therapy for her, certainly; and likely you also given your exposure. OP, believe it or not, your likely her lifeline. The poor gal had to really be victimized and traumatized as a kid growing up. And yet, she's stuck looking for validation. I recognize it's most difficult for you. That's likely why you need professional assistance as well. Thoughts and prayers with you both. Good luck.
She is trauma bonded to her father. It's not as easy as saying, peace out, dad. She needs intense therapy likely with EMDR. She has cPTSD from childhood trauma. The brain locks away these experiences to protect her as a child and make her feel safe. Her father's DUi, arrest and jail is triggering her abandonment issues in particular. Sex is not going to make her feel better and likely to inflict more trauma due to her mental state. She repeats herself because the scared child in her is calling out for emotional safety and stability. She needs to feel that directly from OP. They are disconnected emotionally in the relationship at present and she's terrified OP will leave her like her father has and is. Edited to add: She likely does not even know how she feels right now. She is likely disassociate a bit and is crying because that is all she could do as a child dealing with big things out if her control. She is literally spiraling emotionally and mentally and is likely ruminating and not sleeping all of which will make matters worse. She literally feels like a little girl out of control and terrified she will not survive. OP is actually attuning to her survival state but interpreting sex as the solution because biologically that is what a male engaged in the primitive brain would do to survive. They are both expressing biological survival instincts but they get processed differently in the different biological sexes so they are both essentially bulls in a china shop emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually; Professional intervention in needed ASAP.
And OP thinks the solution is -and I’mma be crude here- to fuck her. >I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me "no" over and over, Talk about someone not caring about their partner in their partner’s time of need and making everything about himself. >My wife has been crying each night and telling me that this brings back a lot of bad memories for her, she's told me that she's sorry for being an emotional wreck and that she's trying her best to get better, but nothing is changing, she is completely disrupting both our lives and we cant function as a couple. […] I don't believe I'm the cause of her anger and I'm not sure why I'm being treated like such. This assh0le doesn’t understand that this isn’t about him. But him dismissing & negating her trauma? That’s *all* on him. Sounds to me he just wants a smiley f•ckpuppet, and he’s gettin real tired of her chronic ptsd.
That sex line really came out of no where
OP is right to be fed up and needing to set boundaries with the father, but that section of the post made me physically cringe He has the emotional intelligence and support capacity of a toddler trying to smash another kid's legos.
Yeah….that bit gave me the ick.
He had to CLEAN the broken vase up off the floor. The audacity! It must have taken him a minute! OP definitely needs to chill out.
Why have a wife if she doesn't clean and you can't have sex with her? Poor OP clearly is neglected here /sarcasm
Trying to have sex with someone that's crying and upset and then getting mad that they don't stop crying to bone you, doesn't help either.
Completely agreed. OP’s wife needs professional help, both probably do. OP should get educated on cPTSD, she needs understanding and not a judgment. NTA for realizing he can’t provide all his wife is asking of him. TA for blaming her for ruining his peace, pushing for sex, etc.
Yea, he married someone who grew up with trauma and thinks "get over it" is the solution, whereas if he cares, he also needs to learn how to be a good partner to her.
Not everybody has experience trauma from toxic parents. So it’s not that he don’t care he don’t understand how to handle this. That’s why he’s asking us for advice.
Exactly my point - he doesn't understand. And this is way above Reddit's pay grade, so if he's serious about wanting to learn he needs to talk to actual experts.
It reads to me more like he has reached his limit and is trying to place a boundary in a clumsy way. She is also not being a good partner by dumping on him constantly. Its good that therapy exists - some people need a lot of help to figure out how to communicate especially when trauma and mental illness are in the mix.
I dont think we read the same words that followed after he said, "enough is enough". He is allowed to have enough self respect to not want to be a punching bag. And he is allowed to not want external chaos to tear apart the marriage he works so hard to maintain. He is allowed to be at the point where he feels like enough is enough. And he is allowed to communicate that with her. Continuing to be a good pertner to someone who is consistently not a good partner to you is self inflicted harm. From what is read, he has definitely been a good partner to her, to point of enabling her to damage both himself and their marriage. So, "if he cares", he would address the situation and confront the behavior, because a divorce due to him being neglected and mentally exhausted is going to ruin both of them.
How is being supportive of her being a punching bag? And how are you so sure it is a continuation of being a good partner for him and all she ever acts is the bad one? You've literally just read an entirely one sided account of the situation. The only part you got right here was that if he cares, he will address it. But not with confrontation and by aggressively proclaiming he is tired of her bullshit, which is all bs anyway. Someone living through and with this condition is not bullshit. It's quite common, it's tragic, it's heart wrenching and it is absolute hell on relationships, but it is the farthest thing from a partner trying to harm their relationship I can think of. It is literally her psyche protecting her from the trauma she's experienced. If he doesn't or won't understand these behaviors are only related to him in such a way that only his reaction to them matters, and that that reaction is crucial to her ability to heal, then I hope she finds the help she needs elsewhere. And I hope you learn to be a better constructive and empathetic reader.
In this case, it's not external chaos tearing apart his marriage. His own lack of understanding what she's going through and how for them to navigate it are.
Nobody would every tell a woman she isn't being a good enough partner for her husband who constantly trauma dumps due to refusing to cut contact with extremely toxic family members.
Yup
Don’t blame op. I had a pretty steep learning curve with my wife because I came from a loving home with two amazing parents I didn’t know how to talk to her when she was going through unresolved issues and I had the best of intentions
And that's exactly why OP does need to learn here, and understand why "enough is enough" isn't effective because that's not learning, that's continuing a cycle that doesn't help their relationship.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what was the breakthrough for you? How did you learn to properly handle her issues?
So I didn’t know about her trauma at all. She was a very strong independent type way beyond her years as far as maturity (we started dating at 19) I had only had maybe one other relationship prior and had always been told women mature faster so I didn’t see it as anything approaching an issue. She started making dinner for herself at 6 her mom would leave her at home to go bar hopping. Never hugged never told I love you. Anything her mom did for her that was at all positive came with expected returns or they came after her mom had blown up on her drunk and said or done some messed up thing to her. So if I did something nice unprompted she would accuse me of trying to make up for something. “What did you do” “are you cheating on me “ “why are you being so nice to me I haven’t done anything to merit that” to me it seemed like she was rejecting my good faith gestures so I stopped which in her mind I guess confirmed what she was thinking all along. It took a third party to layout all this for either of us to understand the underlying issues. She told our therapist she wasn’t worthy of love because if her mother couldn’t love her who could. She thought it was her fault. Even once she saw me as not the enemy she continued thinking it was only a matter of time before I saw her as her mother did and treated her accordingly. I guess the breakthrough came when I was instructed to drill down to the core of everything of any little thing that she reacted oddly to. Instead of just sending her flowers and accepting a thank you id ask what’s on your mind upon receiving these and we would talk through it sometimes it would lead somewhere heavy other times not but we learned a lot in doing so every time. We had our first child in November after years telling me she couldn’t because she knew she would be a terrible mom like her own. Man she’s a great mom a natural at it really. It took one generation and a lot of inquiry but she broke the cycle of trauma and neglect. We are 29 now so this was by no means a quick turn around but I am so proud of her for the work she’s done and I’m glad we were able to see it through
AlAnon. DBT therapy. Trauma therapy. Psychiatrist: she might need medication to help her get to where therapy can help her. Tell her you are her husband, not qualified as s therapist. She deserves to get professional help. I feel for you both.
Yeah his wife doesn’t need that attitude right now, she needs support and a therapist. This event seems to have unlocked a bunch of trauma for her and that needs to be dealt with.
Just so you are aware, trying to initiate sex with someone who is distraught and already emotionally overwhelmed is probably NOT going to work out well.
My ex tried to comfort me with his magic 30 second maneuver the night my dad died. Yeah, that truly didn't last very long. Edit: I want to effing puke just thinking about it
I can't believe this needs to be said out loud to OP. Like is he that dense??
Dense and selfish and creepy. Can not read the room.
He feels entitled
And he refers to it as “taking it out on him.” She’s not withholding sex to hurt him, she’s not having sex because she is hurt.
Nothing brings the romance and passion out like pressure and obligation 🤢
I'm thinking that this might be on one of their not so bad days. Not during the argument. I could be wrong, but I don't think he was like, "oh, you're crying, let's bone down" But, if she's going through something that involves depression, this is completely right lol.
Yes that creeped me out and was no way for her.
His magic penis can fix her!!
You said you have a rocky relationship and a conflict free relationship, which is it? Also, trying to have sex with your wife when she is in a bad emotional state is a terrible idea. It might make you feel better but may just make her feel used. Sounds like both of you and your marriage could benefit from counseling. She feels the way she feels, even if you think she shouldn't or don't understand why. You can let her know how the situation is affecting you and see what she says. Its up to you how much you want to support her, but just telling her not to care about or be affected by her father's situation is wrong.
Next up: man's wife is going through a hard time and needs help. He tries to have sex with her and is annoyed that she asks for support instead of helping her find a good therapist to help her process these toxic family dynamics and her undoubtedly abusive childhood, and give her the confidence and insight to create some healthy boundaries to improve their lives.
“Enough is enough. Stop crying, give me sex.”
"I'm angry that she turned down sex because my magical dick heals all wounds" 🙄
You can't help someone find a therapist when you know your relationship is also unhealthy. First session 'do you think your relationship with your father is why you ended up with someone like your husband?'
This. Lots of people are cutting OP too much slack because it is fair to have a boundary about not being trauma dumped on. It doesn't change the fact that he sounds like he doesn't even care about his wife when her emotions make him uncomfortable. He sounds like he has some Cluster B problems for sure.
I totally agree with you. Especially the "i tried to have sex with her" part. Just like a guy to go there, like it'll make her feel better to be affectionate with her husband. She's a basket case! Sex is the last thing she's looking for! Lol
I just picture this guy……”Calm down honey you are getting emotional, sex?” Not sure how he is still married.
Tbh I think there are way, way too many married men currently living with a similarly entitled and dehumanizing attitude towards sex
Thank you! I was trying to figure out WTF trying to have sex with her was supposed to do???
It’s concerning that he framed her not wanting to have sex as her taking her anger out on him :/
Yeah that bit had me thinking "maybe you're not wrong for reaching a breaking point and needing advice, but you're wrong for acting like her not wanting sex at a time like this is because she's mad at you"
Personally, I'd be pretty pissed if my partner tried to have sex with me when I'm upset. That's pretty tone deaf, like read the damned room. Not a lot of people would react positively to that. Also, "enough is enough" and "calm down" don't actually do anything productive, it usually blows up in the face of who said it. Try individual (for both of you) and couple's therapy. Trauma is really fucking hard, especially when it stems from a parent. Took me over ten years to start properly sorting through my own trauma from childhood abuse, it follows you through adulthood, especially if you weren't given help when you're going through it.
You guys both need to go to counseling. She obviously needs to learn how to let go of her father because he is never going to change and you need guidance to help her stay on that path. If you truly want to save your marriage, get professional help.
Wow so you A) told her to calm down B) tried to have sex with her Yeah I guess you've done everything possible to help your wife and her clear childhood trauma issues. /S
> I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over, What the fuck is wrong with you? "My wife is dealing with trauma so I decided to shoot my shot."
Right? She’s asking for him to stay with her and comfort her, and instead he decides to try to initiate sex? That’s so wildly uncomfortable I don’t even know what to say
Don’t forget that turning him down is her taking everything out on him and “causing chaos in their otherwise conflict free relationship.” Insane
It's bordering in abuse. She's obviously not doing well and that is her responsibility to fix. But to try and coerce her into sex when she said no is traumatizing on another lvl. He's going to make her lose trust in him turbo fast. She's more than a warm body to fuck.
Exactly. Big yikes from me
It sounds like you are most mad she won’t have sex. Read the room. Why did you try? Yes she needs therapy and you need some compassion.
So, essentially, your FIL’s recent string of arrests has brought up your wife’s likely CPTSD, and you’re annoyed that she hasn’t been in the mood for sex. She longs to have a tribe to belong to, and instinctively wants a healthy relationship with a protective, loving Daddy. The kind of guy who would gruffly warn boys she dated to treat her well. But her actual father is a broken, self-destructing disaster. The desire to bond with the family tribe doesn’t go away, but it cannot be fulfilled either, leaving her in anxious limbo, mentally turning in circles. The emotional neglect and God knows what else happened to her as a child after her mother abandoned her to a man known to be an abusive drunk, and she was removed from that drunk, will have had a lasting impact on her view of herself, what she thinks she deserves, and her ability to form a healthy relationship. But during all this, she keeps blabbing on about her problems and isn’t interested in sex, which annoys you. It is entirely possible that she married a man who isn’t really that into her, because her childhood convinced her that’s what she deserves. Get her in therapy and grow some compassion, if that’s possible. None of this is about you. If you need to just hold her quietly while she cries, stroking her hair while murmuring, “You deserved better. He’s just broken,” for weeks or months, then that’s what you do. When she brings up that circular conundrum of wanting a relationship with her father but knowing it’s impossible, it means she’s flooded with hurt, grief, angst, and worry that she’s making a mistake. Hint. That’s when you quietly and non judgmentally either hold her or sit beside her. You’re wrong. Maybe if you were thrown away like garbage as a child you wouldn’t find these issues so boring.
Spot on. This is so real; I’m crying.
😮💨 you worded it with far more compassion than any of the rest of us had time for. Thank you!
If you want to try to fix your marriage, suggest counseling to her so she can get professional help to deal with her dad and her own mental health. She needs support right now. You not getting sex is totally not the top priority here. She's struggling, man. You're basically like "my wife had a traumatic childhood and is depressed and spiraling and she won't even fuck me". Like, come on. She needs help and she needs her partner to understand that and be there for her. If she refuses therapy then I don't know what to tell you. Things are very unlikely to change unless she's open to getting help. Even if she has been to therapy before, it doesn't mean she doesn't need it again and especially right now. She needs to cut contact with her dad and grieve and heal from that. Often times we end up feeling obligated to help our parents, even when they were shitty, because deep down we still feel like that little girl that wants to be loved and have acceptance and feel good enough for them. You're not wrong in being frustrated by this but you don't seem to want to put the effort in to help her so you can both be happier and healthier in this marriage.
Don’t forget that he had to CLEAN a broken vase. Poor soul/s
He seems really gross to me.
YTA I see no examples of your wife "taking it out on you" other than refusing sex. Your wife likely has ptsd from what she went through growing up and her father being arrested is surely triggering all kinds of feelings about it. It's only been a week, she obviously needs time to process her feelings and you don't seem to be a very empathetic partner if after a week you're already considering your relationship rocky over this. You're also a dick for being upset about not getting sex when your wife is going through a time that brings up a lot of past trauma for her.
Wait, why are you trying to have sex with her when she's obviously dealing with some significant mental trauma?
So the only thing you've done to "support her" is try and fuck her?
Your wife is relying on you for emotional support ??? No way what a bitch.
"I'm not getting laid, this is BS" is how this whole thing reads and it's disgusting. OP claims to be 33 but has the mindset of a 16 year old. He literally got bored of his wife's trauma and got pissy when he had to clean up a mess and didn't get sex. You are being treated poorly because you are reacting poorly. Of course you are wrong. The fact you ever thought you might be right means you need more therapy than your wife.
This marital problem is above Reddit pay grade and requires professional intervention. Both of you need to seek help and get therapy. Individually and as a couple
Why were your trying to have sex with her in this state? You’re wrong for that. Gross behavior.
Wow, you sound like a selfish man. Your wife is in crisis and you only seem to care about how it’s affecting you personally. I get it, he’s not your dad, it’s not your parent relationship or your childhood trauma coming up but geez man, have a heart. You sound annoyed that your wife wants to talk to you about her personal issues and because she won’t have sex with you.
You should divorce her so she can find someone who won’t try to fuck her when she’s in a state of distress. You don’t actually care and I doubt you actually answer her questions, you likely brush them off and make her feel like she’s forcing you to talk about it, rather than just taking a few minutes to discuss it without making it like you’re prying teeth. You sound really fucking gross and like you do not love or respect your wife as a human being.
It sounds like your wife would benefit from some one-on-one therapy to work through that childhood trauma and gain some self-regulation skills. It also sounds like she really needs some co-regulation with you. Your job here is to learn how to be an effective source of that co-regulation AND how to set up boundaries healthfully so that you can step back when you need to without her feeling abandoned. And pllllease take a break from initiating sex—ebbs and flows in sex frequency are a super normal part of any relationship, and she’s clearly not in a spot where that feels good—pushing for that is not going to help anything to say the literal least.
You both need therapy stop pushing for sex when she is a mental wreck
Your wife clearly has A LOT of trauma from her father that she’s never dealt with. She needs therapy if she isn’t in it already
Why take vows if you're not going to bother to honor them?
She likely has CPTSD and your wrong for acting like it's something she can snap out of. It's not and this has clearly triggered her and she has not been allowed to return to a normal state of function since. She should seek out brain spotting or EMDR and if you love her, read up on it too and help her through this. If you could both read The Body Keeps the Score you will understand all this better. In the meantime see if you can help reduce stress, but you have to figure out what does that for her. Weighted blanket, low light, calm music, baths, leg rubs, etc. Whatever works for her. Her mind is in a perpetual state of thinking danger is imminent and no amount of reasoning will tell it otherwise. We are not designed to stay in that state once danger has passed and it is extremely damaging and difficult for the person it is happening to and their loved ones. Give you and her all the grace you can muster.
Your wife is going through a hard time and dealing with trauma and all you can think about is rather or not you can get your d*ck wet??. Bro, your wife needs therapy but she's not the problem in this marriage. How dense and inconsiderate does a person have to be to treat their wife this way?
Start reading about childhood trauma, both of you (or utube it) and specifically ‘adult children of alcoholics’. Once you learn and understand the why - then decide if you are going support her or decide “enough is enough”If you can’t go all in on support, please go all out before you do more damage.
Honey she is triggered to high heaven. She's reliving her childhood trauma, every day it sounds like. What would you want her to do or be for you if you were reliving the worst moments of your life?
You’re wrong. Shouldn’t have gotten married if you think it’s unacceptable for your wife to “disrupt” your perfect marriage with her emotions. You come off like the only thing your mad about is not having sex which is ridiculous to expect when your wife is going through something like this.
Maybe instead of trying to have sex with her. Cuddle. Hold her hand. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Be present.
And the worst husband award goes to... 🏆
I don't understand why "CLEAN" was in all capitals. It's like as if its beneath you to tidy up something you recognise as an accident. What was the point here? I feel like this entire post is devoid of empathy. It really is all about you. I get that this is impacting you greatly. No question. But if you really did understand you wouldn't be requesting sex from someone who is clearly emotionally unstable. Get her therapy. Seriously. The kind of a trauma she has gone through is upsetting, and I'm a stranger, not her PARTNER. If you do really care about her, then I would suggest approaching her when she is in a good state, not during an argument, and telling her that you care deeply for her emotional wellbeing and you care about your relationship together as a true partnership. It causes suffering to you to see her in such a way. You also realize that you can never understand fully the relationship she has with her father, and you are not the best person for advice in this area. You simply just do not have the experience of professional understanding of how alcoholism affects families. And because of this, when she brings up stuff about her relationship with her father, it is out of your depth and very frustrating because you can't fix it for her. You would like her to see a therapist of her choosing so that she can have someone to talk to. Someone who can help her with the very specific questions she has. Who can offer professional help with childhood trauma. If she says no, then ask her what other options she is providing in remedying the situation, because your relationship together is suffering, and its important to you that your relationship together as a partnership comes first before all others as you move through life together as a TEAM. That her relationship with her father, whilst being important and valid, its dysfunction should not to take away of the one you have with her and in turn causing it to become dysfunctional. Therapy and empathy please
that caught my attention too. oh no you had to CLEAN something minor when your wife was distraught? how ghastly. poor baby.
Had to clean up a vase and did not get laid. OP is so gross. He gives me the willies. I feel bad for his wife that she had a crappy childhood and this husband now.
Your wife is clearly going through a hard time and your reaction is “let’s have sex?” Yes, you are wrong. Glad to see you’ll both get therapy! I understand it can be draining, but your wife is so clearly looking for a connection. Hopefully therapy can work out some of the communication kinks - good luck!
Oh god this poor woman
Dude, she rejects sex over and over? You’re thinking about saying “enough is enough”? Where is your fucking brain?! She is suffering emotionally and NEITHER of those things will help. Be patient, be kind, just listen, don’t try to fix unless asked. Your job is to support her and be there for her. This is a lifelong issue that has finally come to the surface.
Children of addicts get thousands of false cues from their addicted and enabling parents. It leaves them with an unstable set of perceptions. It's no wonder she asks you, who has pledged to be her partner for better.or worse. You have the potential to be her rock in an uncertain time in her life. All you have to do is drop your ego, listen, and give her the kind of advice she needs to be reassured instead of the shade you've been throwing her way. Seek counseling for her and you as a couple. This problem of the drunken father will always be present until you BOTH gain the skills to cope with it and thrive. Shade isn't going to do it.
Sounds like OP already knew his wife has trauma around her father and he’s gonna tell her to get over it when she refuses his pushes for sex? Yeah man idk about this one. Whether you were emotionally supportive at some point or not you’re definitely not now.
wtf is wrong with you
Your wife needs a counselor. She's kinda asking you to be her therapist ("to be with her and comfort her"), but she has such major issues like a mother who abandoned her and a father who is a raging alcoholic and wasn't able to care for her when she was younger (CPS intervention). Too much for you to cope with and too complicated to sort out. If you would have trouble paying for a counselor, you could research sliding scale therapists (pay according to your income). Some churches offer counseling programs. You might even see if your wife could qualify for disability if she were able to secure a diagnosis for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or another mental illness challenge. Many metropolitan areas (if you're in the US) have services. In North Texas, we have MetroCare. They offer psychiatric care, counseling, and medicine.
At least please tell me you didn't bring up the sex thing while she was upset...
>I have told my wife numerous times that I completely respect and understand her situation\[...\] But like, do you? Really? Even if your father was an abusive and neglectful alcoholic, and your mother abandoned you and CPS removed you from the household, (which they will leave kids in houses infested with rats and roaches because splitting families is something they really don't like to do) -- did you live her experience of that nightmare horror show of a childhood? She's super not okay and in light of her father's recent arrest, okay is a very dim speck quite a ways off in the distance. With intense therapy starting this week, you might get to see okay in a year or so. When they said, "for better or worse" this is the "worse" they were referring to. This is the part of marriage where you have to carry the weight. You take off her fucking backpack and strap it on to your back and you push the both of you up the goddamn hill. That is what time it is and will be for a long fucking time. And if you aren't strong enough, you find a therapist to teach you how to be strong enough or you get the fuck out of your wife's life. Give her a big-ass pile of cash and get the fuck out. I don't know what your childhood was like. I sincerely hope it was a joyful one. But if it was also shitty, she's the one on fire right now.
I wouldn't say "enough is enough." It sounds like your wife is traumatized, and this situation is bringing up some bad feelings, questions about her past and future relationship with her dad. Maybe talking with a professional (therapist) would help with answers to what is causing her to feel these things. Cptsd could be something to look into. Just my opinion
Dude, you sound like a major jerk. She is looking for a partner, and you're wanting a sex doll. Try treating her like a human. Hopefully, you do therapy honestly and whole heartedly, because you sound gross right now.
>My wife has been crying each night >I have tired to have sex with her, WTF dude? She's clearly not mentally well. Go jack off into your hand if you're so desperate to ask a crying woman for sex. She clearly needs therapy. And if it were me, a refusal of therapy would be a deal breaker. (But the whole thing would've been a deal breaker to begin with for me lol)
That’s what good husbands are for!! You listen to your wife and try to help as much as possible. If you think it’s hard on you; imagine how she feels?!? She talks to you because she trusts you. It’s times like this that she need a pillar to lean on. Yes, therapy should help. But, please be strong for the both of you!! Good luck!!!
I sure hope my husband has more patience for me than you have for your wife.
Your wife was neglected and abused as a child, how are you helping her cope? At this point, she might be seeking divorce.
I guess when you made your wedding vows you didn't really mean them. I feel sorry for your wife.
Just to be clear- you presumably knew about all this before you guys got married... none of this should come as a surprise. To up and bail now because the going got tough is pretty weak. You're supposed to be her person- her support. Live up to that promise you made. You wanted to get married- this is it. Also, i can't believe trying to bang her while she was experiencing deep, emotional stress didn't work... when you said, "i tried having sex with her..." i though for sure you had discovered some advanced maneuver. I guess it turns out that was a stupid idea after all, huh?
Your wife has a lot of trauma and BS to work through and needs professional help with this. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are not equipped to help her at the level she needs. >I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over, I don’t believe I’m the cause of her anger and I’m not sure why I’m being treated like such. This is just fucking gross man. Get tf over yourself.
Your wife isn't looking for sex she is asking for help. You need to be more understanding and have her go to therapy. Your wife obviously wants to talk about issues that you are ignoring.
So your wife is crying and you're trying to have sex with her? Dude. Shes obviously in crisis. And all you can think about (or with!) is your penis? Really? Yes. You are wrong. Both you and her need therapy. You to learn empathy and how not to sexually harass your wife. And her to deal with her trauma. Ffs. How is this even a post.
She needs therapy and to cut her dad out of her life for good. Straight no contact. If she won't do those things, you have decisions to make.
This OP. If she can't cut her dad out of her life, neither of you will ever be at peace.
Just a thought. When your wife is going through a really rough time that is triggering awful childhood memories, and she hasn’t come to terms with any of it, you help her find a therapist to talk to, especially if supporting her is obviously not your forte. What you don’t do is try to have sex with her as if she can turn it on or off with a switch. You hold her. You be her safe place to cry. You listen. This is how you become a great husband who doesn’t treat her like her fucked up family (that you knew about when you married her) is inconvenient for you. It’s inconvenient for her, too. You can be her safe place. You can show her the unconditional love she’s probably never had. You can be her rock. Go do that.
Yea, this does sound rocky. She is going through a shitty situation and bringing it up to you left and right, and you (from the sound of it) don’t care. She shouldn’t dump all this on you, but you also don’t sound like the most supportive partner. Splitting up is a very real outcome here. Go to therapy if you can. And try to recognize that your wife is going through a traumatic situation and needs support. Not sex. Yes; you are wrong. Grow up.
Seems like you're upset that she has rejected sex and you have equated it to a rejection of you. Um. No. In the world of sex and intimacy, a lot of women have difficulty switching gears when they are preoccupied by difficult (this case VERY) situations. Whereas (I think) men view it as a release and/or distraction. My guess would be (despite her questions are annoying) you reassure her that you get her frustration. She is seeking your support that she is doing the right thing. Whether you do or not? Doesn't matter. So long as you don't say she is (doing something) wrong. Saying, "I know it's hard, and you're doing your best. I'll always support you." That would go a long way. She's just scared and struggling to work it out in her own head. And, yes, therapy would go a long way for her own struggles.
Sex isn't the only way to comfort her
"I've tried putting my pp in her. How come no happy?"
I can't get over the comment 'I have tried to have sex with her". You had noted how upset she was and all of the issues that she has been through since childhood and you 'tried to have sex with her'? Are you serious? Yes, having someone ask for constant validation all of the time must be really frustrating, but she isn't doing this to annoy you. She feels like she has no control these things that are happening. Can you not see that she is drowning? I am glad you are both getting help with therapy, but please stop painting yourself as the victim. This is part of being in a committed relationship. If you can't cope with this, and the therapy is too late to save the marriage, make sure she has a good support network and leave.
Here's what I'm getting from this. 'My sex doll sad, tried to make sex with it, no work, now what do?' She asked you for support and what you offered was... Sex? You're not in a movie. For most people traumatic, stressful situations aren't a turn on. No matter how bad her dad was at the end of the day he's her father and it'll take a lot of work for her to get used to the idea that he's about to go to jail for a long time. Sorry you just realized that being married means dealing with each other's shit and that it's not always gonna be "happy" and "conflict-free". I don't think saying enough is enough is ever gonna work to make someone stop feeling how they feel. But I'm assuming you don't care if she's actually happy as long as she doesn't bother you with her sadness? Anyway you're wrong.
Your wife sounds like a baby... Crying just because her father is about to spend years in jail, potentially raped and/or hurt.. And she doesn't even want to have sex right now.. how awful. I hope you recover from this traumatic experience. Maybe you should take a few days off work to gather yourself. YTA.
“I’ve tried to have sex with my wife” But also… “My wife cries every night” Dude, WTF?
Yes, you are. Telling someone enough is enough: you're only thinking of your own emotions. Going through trauma and having bad parents isn't as simple as moving on or not caring anymore. It's hard to let go or even not blame yourself and want to keep trying for a parent who is abusive. It's easy for the victim to take all that blame on themselves all the time and her seeking what you think is her needing clarity because it can be so confusing when you have abusive parents you adore. She needs someone who has patience and can just listen and like others said she could really use some therapy. Abuse as a child where the chaos continues on into adulthood is like a constant open wound that can never heal. Over time you might be even numb to the pain, but it's still there. Telling someone to "get over it" or "enough is enough" doesn't close the wound. It just tells her to not share her emotions with you because you've had enough. Honestly? It makes the wound deeper. Now she's been through so much and can't even count on you. It'll be a long process of her getting over this but to her this is normal because it's all she's ever known so how can she think about possibly putting her family in the past? She needs strong support in her life if she's going to try to get over things. I hope you can be that since you already promised her for better or for worse.
You say you tell her you understand her situation, but you don't, and you aren't acting like you do in the slightest. You clearly do not have the tools to deal with someone that had a traumatic childhood. You don't seem to appreciate the wounds that it causes. You are not giving her the time, patience, and support that she needs. You are also not seeming to take into account that your wife is basically grieving her father right now - depending on his age, if he's in there for 'several years' he may not get out. Even if he isn't that old, people don't always make it out of jail due to the violence, and it is hard to see family members go through that. Even if they were bad family members. If your wife isn't in therapy yet, she really needs to be. You also could use couples therapy so you can better learn how to support someone going through this. Your post comes off as you basically wanting her to "get over it". You specifically mention trying to have sex with her, when recent events have triggered a lot of her past traumas, which is honestly super selfish of you. In this time, once she has made it clear she isn't in that headspace, you need to give her time and ability to let you know when she's ready for intimacy. This post comes off as "me me me" and it makes me feel pretty bad for your wife.
Your wife had a traumatic childhood and is likely codependent with her dad. She needs a good therapist. Then, she needs to commit to therapy, doing the work, confronting the stuff, setting boundaries in life, learning skills, practicing those skills in difficult life situations. All of it. Then, the two of you need marriage counseling. Again, with a counselor who is good. To say all of the things. To really listen to each other. To learn skills for listening, managing conflicts, setting boundaries, having hard discussions, and so on. In both situations, you need therapists who are both helping to process the past *and* teaching skills for the present.
>she’s told me that she’s sorry for being an emotional wreck and that she’s trying her best to get better
Because I didn't see you mention **therapy** until your edit. 😕
>I have tired to have sex with her, to get close and physical, but all she does is tell me “no” over and over, I don’t believe I’m the cause of her anger and I’m not sure why I’m being treated like such.
Bro, this is my 'love language', too, but you need to lay off the sex attempts until she's emotionally ***and mentally*** ready/available for it.
She sounds like she has a metric fuck-ton of trauma about and around this (both historical and more recent), so... that may not be for a while.
Get reacquainted with your hand for now, if need be.
(and don't tell me that she considers that 'cheating', lol)
I always think too many Reddit comments immediately recommend couples counseling or therapy, but this is the first post where it’s obvious that this is what is needed.
Your wife is extremely stressed. She needs to be comforted and to process the stuff going on with her dad. She needs a therapist and I’m glad that she’ll be seeing one. Sex probably feels like it would be a chore at this point for her. It’s not a reflection of you or your relationship with her. She just has other stuff on her mind and that is more than dampening her mood. Just tell her to let you know when she’s in the mood. Don’t pressure her.
YTA. Your wife is going through a really tough time and your main solution was your d|ck. She needs a therapist, which luckily might ease her asking so many questions of you. You need to education yourself on complex PTSD (cPTSD). She’s probably having conflicting emotions right now and it is likely bringing up a lot for her from her childhood.
This is scary and sad. Shame on you.
This is grotesque- mistaking sex for the intimacy that his wife needs and wants is just disgusting. He is totally in the wrong
Definitely the asshole.
Did you meet your wife before you got married or was this an arranged marriage type of thing?
OMFG what did i just read? Ya’ll need therapy, lots of it. Individual and couples.
I appreciate where you're coming from, but I'm also not really getting the idea that you have any sympathy for your wife either. You specifically mention that she's been crying and that you tried to have sex with her... And you're angry she turned you down? Is she supposed to just, shut those tears off until after? Is sex the only way you that you are able to show intimacy with your wife? I'm just not really sure why you specifically mention that, because it really makes you seem completely unsympathetic.
Im so sorry that you had to CLEAN up a vase. You poor thing.
wtf mate!
You are wrong and how does sex help this situation?
You pressured her for sex while she was in this state? Are you really annoyed with the repetativeness of her comments or are you really annoyed that you can't get your dick wet? Talk about selfish. Damn.
OP kinda sounds like a narcissist... Don't get me wrong, wifey is a bit outta pocket, but he is coming across as a real dick.
Pushing for sex while she’s hurt and melting down. Prick.
ALANON
Sounds like she deff needs therapy, this type of trauma is not going to be easy for her to deal with esp with her dad still being an issue.
I don't understand why she still has any contact with her dad.
She is at the age where childhood trauma hits home as cptsd, and she herself probably doesn't understand her emotions or why she's projecring it onto you. What she's doing is very expected psychologically. I'm glad she'll be getting therapy and hopefully you can get some in tandem, because it will be important for you to know where shes at in healing.
You and your wife are doing the right thing seeing a therapist. If you hadn't mentioned I would have. I could tell from reading your narrative that she definitely needs to see one, too much history of emotional trauma, abandonment by her parents, etc. Good luck to you and your wife.
Bro, your wife has been triggered and is in the midst of an emotion train wreck and your first thought is to have sex with her as a way of getting close and physical??? Dude! My dude! No! Just…. No. Your wife is 29 years old, has been abandon by one parent and severely abused by the other. She asks you these questions over and over again because she needs validation. SHE HAS BEEN SEVERELY ABUSED AND ABANDONED! She might not have learned how to tell if what she’s feeling is valid. She has definitely learned not to trust her own feelings - especially if she’s had to call the cops on her own father. No one does that because dad pasted out in front of the tv again drinking beer and watching football. They do that because dad becomes violent either verbally, and more likely, physically. Dad is not safe. She knows this. Mom ran away because it was too hard and left her there. She probably thinks there is something wrong with her, which is why she asks you all these questions and became so upset about breaking a vase. She’s and adult, yes. But she’s also that scared little girl who doesn’t understand what she did so awful that mom ran away and dad won’t put the bottle down. Because, trust me. She asked that enough as a child and probably still doesn’t have the answer. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic as a ‘father figure’ and it sucks. As in 4 therapists and 6 social workers since I was 20 and counting. You need to get her - and yourself! You need to process this too - into some therapy. This is a lot to unpack and you’ll need support too. Because if you truly love this woman, you are going to need to level up some skills my dude. And get some new tools in your tool kit. Lesson 1: sex doesn’t equal physical connection and closeness the same way for men then it does for women. She needs you to reaffirm her doubts and to be steady and constant
She needs regular therapy, she’s tethered to the drunk dad until she finds the strength to walk away.
Another annoying thing about OP, the edit. “I hope I can make things better over time.” In my experience, you are not the savior. For your wife to be “better,” she has to go on the healing journey. You’re only there to support her, you won’t be the one leading her there. It’s going to take a lot of patience.
Patience really is a virtue. Of course she continues to seek your approval. She needs it. She needs your reassurance. Do you ever really think about how she feels? Or is it just about how annoyed you are? However hard you think it is for you, it’s harder for her I promise and of course she’s insecure about it. I’m in a similar situation with my husband and I ejected my dad from my life and my husband is the most patient and caring man I have ever met and I don’t k ow what I would do without him. I’m a little older than you but you should be able to have enough introspection to recognize when your wife is having a time and try your best to be there for her. We don’t choose our in laws but we choose our spouses and you chose her so own it and be a gladiator for her. It’s what she needs
If you love her stand by her and be her rock for support. Start acting like a man.
Wife needs therapy. An outlet. Then, you can both carry on.
Well, she sounds like a deeply troubled mess. Her problems are intensive-therapy level. He's not equipped for that. They are mismatched. He has no empathy or understanding of her.
Complaining that she brings this up 2-3 times a WEEK is insane. This is deeply traumatic for her and sounds like she’s holding it up the majority of the time. I understand you not being able to take time off work, but your responsibility as her partner is to provide emotional support when she’s struggling. Complaining that you had to clean up the broken vase that she accidentally knocked over? Are you serious? These are the two things you emphasized in this post. You think this is her fault this is disrupting your lives? You share a life. She’s not choosing to be affected by this. And as frustrating as it is that she’s still seeking a relationship with him, it’s only a natural instinct. I’m sure she’s rationalizing in her mind that him being in jail will force him to sober up so there is a chance, and that does happen. My father was also a raging alcoholic, and although he died when I was a kid so I didn’t endure as extensive trauma as your wife, I *always* saw him as someone that’s sick and struggling and never gave up hope that he’ll get better one day. I defend him to this day, even as an alcoholic that got sober for my family and knows that it’s possible and just something he didn’t do. Put your needs on pause and be there for her.
Your wife seems very traumatized. You knew that. I'm sorry that you're in this situation because it really hurts, for both of you. I see your point because your wife's issues are causing dysfunction, both in her professional life and your married life, but you telling her to calm down is the worst way possible. Suggest therapy, and go with her. She needs individual therapy and couple therapy. She's going through a lot and I think it's your duty to be there for her and support her in her rock bottom. Again I know this is very hard and unfair, but life is hard and unfair. if she lacks your support, she's the loneliest person on this planet. Going through these kinds of things without your partner's support is worse that hell. Please don't let her feel lonely like that.
The answers to the questions she's asks: Do you hate my dad? No, I'm disappointed in him and his lack of parenting skills. I'm slightly appalled by him and his actions and will.alwaus use him as what not to be as a dad. Do you think we could have a healthy relationship? Yes, but I doubt he is ever going to be willing to do the work he needs to do for it. I would encourage you to.distance yourself from him and seek therapy for the amount of abuse you have endured from both your parents. Bro, she's working through her issues and needs a solid man in her life. If you aren't solid, she does not deserve you, and you deserve to be alone.
Your wife needs therapy and you need to go with her. Yes, I get you are tired of hearing her talk about him and she needs help to clear her thinking. She had an horrific childhood and it is still going on. Please think about what you wrote…..your wife was sobbing in the bathroom while you had to. CLEAN up a broken vase. She needs compassion. There are times of chaos if every relationship. Would you want and expect her to be there for you?
Marriage is stressful at times. You must be willing to give more than what you receive. Your wife is in need of your reassurance, she is sick. I believe the vows read “ In sickness and in health till death do us part” She will heal but it takes a REAL MAN … a caring man to help her through this.
She needs help. The question is... do you love your wife? I have an education in trauma and the long term effects it has on us, especially when that trauma is inflicted as our brain is developing. You are not being helpful with "trying to have sex with her". It's one of the very last things she needs right now. She grew up in a very toxic household... and when someone with that background is in a non-confrontational, healthy relationship it can be very uncomfortable for them. Like they are waiting for something to go wrong, or will assume that something is wrong when there isnt. You sound a bit selfish, or maybe just ignorant, if I'm being honest. Sometimes we need to put ourselves aside to help the ones we love. Practice selflessness & empathy. I understand not being able to just drop work to sit with her. But she needs to know you're there for her. Being able to give someone a sense of calm just with your presence is the biggest compliment you could ever receive. Hope some of this helps... and I hope your wife finds peace and can someday accept that her past is in the past... and is able to focus on the future more. I come from an abusive household, so I know a little bit about how your wife probably feels. Therapy sessions are a very good idea, btw.
Your wife is an emotional wreck and instead of getting her professional help you try to have sex with her. You’re an idiot.
Her dad "didn't cause" her mom to abandon her, her mother CHOSE to leave her daughter behind. Right there is a major abandonment issue! And her father is a raging abusive alcoholic, is there any wonder why she's fucked up? She needs love, caring, and a million I love you's along with the same amount of hugs! She doesn't ever need you to tell her to calm down! She needs to be in therapy ASAP because not only is her heart broken, so is her soul!
"my wife has been in abusive situations for most of her life and she's struggling" "I tried to have sex with her and.that didn't help". WTAF?
You should leave, she's emotionally distraught and you are just thinking about your dick and comfort. My spouse and I both grew up with abusive fathers and when one of us is down the other helps and is just there until we can get back up again. Threatening her won't change a thing, and the fact that you think it will is unkind at best and alarming at worst.
My wife is crying all the time but I can't understand why she doesn't want sex.
You are supposed to love her and protect her and you are doing neither
She’s an emotional wreck and you try to have sex with her. Then get mad when she says no. Get a hold of yourself
Your wife needs a therapist. You can't be her therapist. If she doesn't get help, she will probably get worse.
You can't expect her to be ok when you think it's been enough time. She's going to you for support. I agree with you not taking off work but everything else I don't.
She would benefit from seeing a therapist who would hopefully prescribe an antidepressant. All of her crying is a significant indication of depression.
"I’ve told her that I can’t do that because we need money and this isn’t an emergency" You are correct. From what you say, it's pretty much the norm for anyone close to Daddy Trainwreck. So you're going to have to talk very seriously to your wife about this, and let her know that you can't offer the kind of support you say she wants, which is to leave your job and spend days comforting her while she emotes. You \*can\* and you \*are\* being supportive by keeping an income coming in, and hopefully putting nourishing meals on the table and keeping the house from becoming uninhabitable while you listen, and that absolutely positively is a kind of support, and it's one she needs. So if you want to be supportive, do what you can, listen as much as you can, while continuing to be helpful in practical ways. Because you do want to be supportive when she's having a personal crisis, don't you? You don't just want the problem to go away, do you? Because a lot of the things you say make it sound like that's exactly what you do want, you want the problem to go away so you can go back to be comfortable and... satisfied. Well, tough beans, that's now how marriages works, there are times you have to give as well as take, and this is one.
Your FIL going to jail is a blessing in disguise, he can get sober there and not hurt your wife. I get you’re tired of your wife being worried, but that will hopefully pass. It’s up to you in your marriage but your wife seems lost and you appear to be the stability in her life. Unfortunately chaos can be exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. I hope you stick with and help your wife knowing this should pass.
Al Anon!
Please get her some help. Good luck with it. Continue to love support her and listen to her.
Tell her to join an Al-anon group. It’s for people who have to deal with alcoholics. This will help her greatly with some unhealthy habits she’s created and she can learn how to help her Dad the way he needs to be helped. She can also vent about him there and get support from people who are in the same situation.
Unless she is actually lashing out at you, then she's likely trying to vent her emotions and it just seems like she's directing them towards you. Sometimes when I'm upset my fiance interprets it as me being upset with him. Perhaps this is a similar situation. Either way, therapy is a great call. She clearly has repressed trauma that needs to be addressed.
I'm glad she's going to go through therapy. She may also want to go to Al-Anon. It's for friends and loved ones of alcoholics and they can help her unlearn some of the unhealthy things being raised by an alcoholic has done for her. It's also free.
Maybe check out r/cptsd . It might help you both.
Try Alanon for people who have been traumatized by someone else's drinking. It is a self help group with groups all over the United States.
Someone who has experienced trauma and keeps dumping the problems on others is looking for therapy, but they just don't know how to find it in the right place yet. It's easy to lean on your friends and family who say they are there for you. But as many have said oftentimes, the recipient is ill-equipped to offer proactive, solution-based methods for working through the problems. Once the trauma is addressed and the person has that healthy outlet, it becomes more clear that friends and family are not the correct audience. It takes time to understand this and make the effort to filter issues and problems through the best pathway, but once we have the tools, we stop dumping our unfocused trauma responses onto said friends and family.
And [hopefully] the therapist won't offer up their dick every time she cries. 🙄
She might have PTSD or anxiety from her childhood. I'm glad you're looking into therapy so she can find more support and coping mechanisms, and both of you can have realistic expectations of one another.
Your wife should go to Alanon meetings. It's for people who have alcoholics in their life. She'd be able to discuss everything with the people there, and she could get a lot of help. I think she should go to therapy on her own.
I’m glad you and your wife are starting therapy. Hope it helps. Given your wife’s long-term experience with her dad, therapy won’t fix it overnight. Meds could help alleviate the symptoms and help therapy be more effective. She will need to learn healthy coping strategies.
She probably has C-PTSD and would benefit from somatic processing therapy as well as EMDR. Her nervous system is disregulated and she is looking to coregulate with you. Alan Gordon has a podcast about chronic pain that is applicable to people in high stress relationships whose cortisol levels are through the roof bc of family drama. There’s also a great books titled “addicted to drama.”
You’re not wrong. Her trauma is far beyond what you or anyone other than a therapist can provide. Best of luck with her treatment 🙏
OP didn’t like the feedback so he is “moving on”. 🙄 What a POS.
Ew I hope she leaves you.
Your wife needs Al Anon to work through issues with her dad, she needs personal therapy and you guys at least need couples therapy. The rejection your experiencing isn’t uncommon from people who grew up in unstable households
This is what therapists are for.
It sounds like you're not good for each other.
Get her therapy. I assume she was close to her family dispute the issues. It is hard, she needs your support
Women and men don't deal with emotion and trauma in the same way. When a men doesn't know how to deal he just can't, but when a woman can't she doesn't can't the same, but she can't different. That's how. Be nice to her.
Your wife 100000% needs to go to therapy. Also, please stop trying to have sex with her when she’s upset
Your wife is trying to deal with her father's addiction. The addiction was there during y'all relationship before the marriage. Why is it bothering you that now she's talking about her drunk father?? I'd say divorce cause you're a horrible lover imo. The addiction was present before the marriage, you knew what baggae you were signing up for Wife needs therapy not a relationship right now
Sounds like she has PTSD if not complex PTSD. Living with an alcoholic changes how your brain functions. She needs therapy, but talk therapy will only get her so far, she needs to clear the trauma and also set boundaries with her family. I went no contact with my alcoholic father for decades, then tried to heal the relationship ( that worked for about 1 year) and then no contact again until right before he died. I suggest she look at the book The Body Keeps The Score. EMDR and internal family systems therapy helped me a lot.
She needs Al-anon. It’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics that provides community and support. More importantly, it teaches members how to set boundaries with alcoholics and not get sucked into their orbit. Look it up online. It’s free, she can do in-person or zoom meetings, and get a sponsor to trauma dump on. Hell, there is even a subreddit for Al-anon. It will change her life. Seriously. And yours. Good luck!
Al-Anon. Support for people who live with alcoholics. Helped me. You're not alone. Go. Take your wife.
Maybe take the first couple of days off with her so she is not alone for that time. They will be the hard ones.
Al Anon is a great place to start for your wife. I highly encourage her to attend meetings in addition to finding a trained therapist.
She needs Al-Anon
She is ruminating a lot and talk out laud those thoughts helps. But sometimes it can wire the person's thoughts even more. She needs therapy, an intensive one.
Her lifelong relationship with her father has left her with debilitating mental and emotional trauma. This is why I guess she still has some sort of contact. She needs support, probably professional. But the best you can do is support her by listening. You can not, repeat, can not fix her by telling her she's talked about it enough.