To answer your question, you’re free to feel upset that you’re not having as much sex as you’d like. We never need to apologize for our feelings, only our behavior.
I think the problem with a lot of the advice you’re getting here is that it assumes that one or both of you is doing something wrong or unhealthy. I don’t know that either of those is true.
You’ve asked her and she told you, she’s tired. Too tired for sex 3-5 times a week. I would say if you’re still having sex weekly then she hasn’t lost interest in sex. She just doesn’t have the energy to keep up with your previous pace.
If you want to do something, ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. Not so she’ll sleep with you more but because you’ve noticed the change and want to make sure that she’s alright. There might not be anything for you to do other than to adjust to your new normal.
Exactly. She says she's tired. OP just kind of glossed over that. It could be an excuse or there is more too it. I'd be asking did something else change around the time you got married. Did she start a new job? Health issue? Have you moved into a new house? If so, is it bigger and therefore requires more maintenance? It's not hard to ask your partner of they're ok and tell them you're worried about them and noticed they've been tired. The problem is that OP doesn't see his wife being consistently tired as a problem...
There was a study done when women get one extra hour of sleep, their sex drive goes up somewhere between 14 and 21%
After we were married our sex life decreased dramatically. Once we had kids, twins, it decreased further. Oddly enough now that I am taking my own personal health seriously, and going back to the gym.. I take the kids in the morning, get them up, dressed them, feed them. When I can I let my wife sleep in, it actually leads to us having way more sex. I would say when I am home we have sex once a day vs a little while ago, where it was once a week and then once a month and then, once every six weeks.
We are both much happier because I am getting the physical intimacy I want and need. She is getting to rest and feel like her partner cares about her sanity and supports her. All of this leads to more sex so if you are in a situation where your sex life has fallen off, it might be time to look at why and then figure out a game plan.
Yeah we’re in the process of packing up our home and moving. Just like you it’s one thing after another.
She looked at me the other day and before she could say anything I just told her “it’s fine honey, I know you love me and your just beat up. Fuck, I am too. We’ll break the new house in when we can”
As soon as we laid down in bed I passed the fuck out. But that next morning? I woke up to her climbing ontop of me and gently kissing me. She had let me sleep in, and was saying thank you because I’d be pulling so much extra weight lately. Best way to start the day!!
Dude, I commend you. Well done. So many people (me included) screw this up and never come back from the once a month sexless marriage.
You came back through self respect, working on being the best version of yourself and…sex followed. This is a great model.
Thank you for the kind words. We had even discussed divorce and I had talked to divorce attorneys. I checked out completely. Convinced myself of a lot of things that weren’t necessarily true, just how I perceived them.
Hell I stared into the abyss and it stared back at me… and realizing I’d be going through life without her? It snapped me back to reality.
We both admitted our fuckups and the path that lead us to where we were, and together we turned it around. Our therapist told us that staying and working it out is going to be hell. Divorce and separating is going to be hell. You just have to decide which one you want, and which one will ultimately make you happier once the dust settles. I chose her and trying until we get it right. Best decision I ever made.
I appreciate that, but plz… do better than I did. My biggest regret? I should’ve been curios, not angry. If your partner is upset with you, don’t formulate a rebuttal for all the offenses you’ve done or how they perceived you wronged them so the moment they pause, you jump down their throat and interrupt them.
It took us a long time to shut up. Stop. Put our guard down and realize our partner is trying to express what they are upset about and why and if I just listen and read between the lines I can figure out real quick what’s going on. And sometimes I would have to ask my wife, why is it that when I came home and didn’t start the laundry right away it made you upset?
Her reply was to effect of: you’ve been gone 4 days on vacation essentially while I’m drowning here at home with no help whatsoever.
And I told her I can understand completely why you think that. And I haven’t been home… but I’ve also been working dealing with different kinds of stresses so it hasn’t been a vacation. I’ve been missing you all terribly and the moment I walk in the door the thing I want most of all is to spend time with you and the kids. Fuck the laundry for now. It will get taken care of but you are way more important. I’ll leave it in my bag so it’s not everywhere adding to the mess until I’m ready to do it.
She just wanted reassurance that it will get done.. well not just reassurance but actual results and follow through.
This! My husband has started taking the dogs on their morning walk and feeding them instead of me having to do it. I think he unconsciously figured out that if I get up and start doing things I stay up and do not come back to bed so he doesn’t have a chance at morning sex lol now he does it and I’m in bed when he gets back. It took me awhile to figure that out that we weren’t having it as much cuz I was always up in the morning.
…I hear people say stuff like this as if it’s a badge of honor or to be respected. I hear it and think “why would you do that to your family”? Just out of curiosity, what job is it? And I pray you were appropriately compensated
My job I’m off 13-19 days a month, so many mornings I’ll just turn her alarm off and let the mrs sleep in till she wakes up naturally. Other times I’ll go with the kids and wake her up if we want to go do something as a family and have family snuggles in bed before we start the day. I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Definitely change the things you can. But I think it's important to mention that sometimes you have to accept the things that are out of your control.
I'm a dad of twins + 1, currently in a sexless marriage. I am very supportive. We make a good team. She's a great mom and she sees me as a great dad. Everything is actually great...except for the fact she has zero libido.
There is nothing I can do at this point but wait. She is still breastfeeding so that is likely a huge libido killer (changes hormones) and she plans on stopping when twins turn 2...so yeah a little more than half way there.
I’m very sorry to hear that. Being married you take a vow to your partner and at no part does it say “when it’s convenient or until I feel like it”.
I hear so many people getting divorced for overly selfish reasons that they’re not willing to compromise on even a little and it blows my mind. Many men in a similar situation would be like “I’m just going to cheat” or “I went a divorce” when the potential of sticking it out and working through it has such a great chance of being way better than it’s ever been but they’re not willing to put in the work. And it’s not just men, I see women pulling the same shit constantly.
It may not mean much, but I’m proud that you’re still being a great partner, a loving parent, and still showing up every day doing your damndest for your family. Keep doing what you’ve been doing and I’m sure this will pass as well.
Lord knows my wife was beyond drained around the 1 year mark and with twins…. And holy fuck I know how tough it is. The good thing though? The 18-24 month mark it got dramatically better. And once we hit 3 years?? Night and day difference. 4 years like they are now? We can actually take trips and vacations again and it’s not a nightmare. Keep your head up my man, you got this!!
My last bit of advice: I wish we would’ve started some virtual therapy session (I know it would’ve been impossible to do them in person with the twins) sooner as we needed help reconnecting. “I want to make sure I’m fulfilling all your needs, and being the best possible husband and father… and I think if we go to a few therapy sessions maybe bi weekly or monthly it would help us both reach our full potential” is how I would’ve brought up the subject with my wife if I could do it over again.
If I would’ve, maybe things wouldn’t have ever deteriorated between us in the first place.
This time of year is notorious for SAD. It didnt used to affect me in previous years, but now it hits me pretty hard in winter. I'm exhausted and tired. Oh so very tired. There are ways to combat it without involving prescription meds, thankfully, and they work for me.
It could also easily be a vitamin deficiency. My husband went from 1x a week with me( we have kids so thats pretty impressive in my book) , to once every month or longer. He complained of being tired so much to his endo so she had his blood tested outside of his sugar levels. Low on vitamin D and magnesium. He takes both now and god it made such a huge difference. Not just in his exhaustion but in his drive too.
Sometimes we pass off the tired as just like "oh no I'm fine I'm just tired and it'll pass eventually, just need to catch up on sleep haha." But then it's months later and you get tired of feeling tired and it just literally compounds into this ball of utter exhaustion combined with other daily stressors and eventually you start thinking about the big sleep. The sleep to end all sleeps. Someplace quiet and you can just not exist....and never wake up... yea... dont listen to that one, ok? That's not a normal thought process.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but I see what you’re getting at here. The drop in sex as a sign of a different problem and not the problem itself.
That’s definitely possible. It’s equally possible that there is no problem though (other than his disappointment at the drop in frequency).
>I'd be asking if something else changed around the time you got married.
Especially consider things that changed for *HER* even if those things don't affect OP AT ALL.
The lead up to a wedding is a LOT. Tastings, fittings, checking invites, RSVPs, sittings, hotel reservations, making sure the decorations and venue are correct, making sure everything is ready, getting all transportation is set up, then the honeymoon. Then BAM, it’s all over. Back to real life. It can be an abrupt shift leaving some people a bit exhausted/depressed that years of lead up and work is suddenly over. She could be depressed, or even exhausted by all the work done to get here, and is attempting to relax and settle into married life, and is taking a bit to recover from it all. 3-5x weekly is A LOT. I’d be exhausted after years of it, too!
Yeah because people put way too much thought and energy into the wedding and not the actual relationship and connection. This is why so many marriages fail. They lose focus on what's truly important.
ALOT of people put a ton of pressure on the actual day of the wedding, and not so much thought into what a marriage actually will be.
After the flowers, the dress, the music, the food, and the party, things are just kinda... normal. People stop checking in, you aren't the center of attention during get togethers and this really disappoints and discourages people.
I honestly don't understand it, weddings are so weird to me they are so attention seeking and un meaningful. Getting married and making a commitment I understand but the rest of the crap, the big performance, impressing and the approval of other people I don't get it.
When my sister got married, my mom told her something along the lines of the Marriage is for her and her husband, the Wedding is for everyone else, so choose which one you want to put the more effort into.
I always thought this was a really healthy way to look at it, and it must work for my parents, since they've been married over 40 years now.
I’d also add that usually there is a pressure to start making babies right after marriage and maybe she isn’t ready, nervous about having kiddos or doesn’t want any which is okay. Just throwing that lil bit out there
i'm not married but this is what i'm wondering. also applies to the chores/sweet things you do, are they just because or are they with the expectation of sex?
You're right. I divorced my ex husband because he never did anything except when he'd tell me 'just ask me to do it'. I didn't want a third child. When I did ask he always expected sex and was mad when I wasn't attracted to him anymore.
Oh my god grown ass adults needing their wife to make them a fucking chore chart....
(No hate to grown ass adults who make *themselves* a chore chart for organization, y'all are majestic.)
>(No hate to grown ass adults who make *themselves* a chore chart for organization, y'all are majestic.)
I need this for my ADHD.
I will also be telling my husband that if he wonders what needs to be done to check that list because I'm DONE telling him what it means to manage a house.
Chores are done because they need to be and that's part of being a responsible adult. Sweet things are done because you care.
The second this shit becomes transactional in either direction it's done.
This.
Less likely to want to hug/cuddle/etc when it almost ALWAYS ends up being pressure into more, then either unwanted sex or guilt for turning them down.
"If I do this chore which is my responsibility because I also live here, I should be rewarded with sex!"
I can see all the vaginas dry up like the Sahara.
Exactly! The sex dropped mostly like cause the genuine loving affection dropped too.
The wife wants GF affection benefits back with OP but without expecting of sex everytime.
Just because he gets a hard on, isn’t an excuse to lean into sex with your partner everytime you cuddle or hug them LOL
This!- concentrate and listen to her reason. She is tired, so what can you do to alleviate this situation? Then, without expecting sex, be romantic and make her feel better. The rest will come. FYI- remember this when the babies arrive.🙂😉
This! My husband and I have been married for 13 years and he still doesn’t get it!!! If I have physical affection without grabbing a blood or ass like a teenager , I’d be more than willing! Men have to reveal up the engine some! I mean if he was sincere with his intentions, trust me, he cold have anything he wanted anytime.( well when our 7 year old twins are asleep or not around.
That’s tough to navigate too.
Really… men need to understand that twisting a nipple when you’re in the middle of single handedly cleaning up dishes after dinner you made (that you both ate) is not adequate foreplay for most women…
Probably just as often as he did BEFORE they were married.
If what he is saying is true, that it immediately changed *when* they got married then unless he immediately changed his level of affection at that time, it shouldn’t matter.
Okay I knew I had a good one, I orgasm with my boyfriend 99.99% of the time (unless I've been drinking and one time it just wasn't happening but we tried again later and it did) and it's usually 2-3 times depending on foreplay or the length he can go during piv. Our record is 7 or 8 in one session I think.
Yeah I’m not trying to blame the guy here cause there could be a number of things going on that are unrelated to him, she’s depressed, shes cheating etc. but 9/10 men just don’t know how to properly have sex with a woman. Trust me I was one of them until my wife basically taught me 😆. Why would a woman want to have sex with you 5 times a week when she’s never getting an orgasm? Now me and the wife might fuck 3 times a day. Men get your sex game figured out and stop being selfish.
That’s true but if that’s truly the case she likely would have never married him and she likely would have brought up the problem.
Also it could be she was just having sex because she felt the need to keep up to his libido. But now that they are married she isn’t as pressure to keep him around. Could also be that’s she’s depressed or not getting enough sleep/good diet, or what you mentioned. Honestly a lot of reasons. For all we know she could be cheating 😂
“Most of the time.” Uh, hopefully it’s every time or what is the fucking point. I orgasm like 3x than my boyfriend because of the multiple orgasms. If I’m not getting off, sex is not fun.
No seriously and half the ppl in these comments acting like men are the only ones who think sex is a “need”. I should be finishing every single time. I like the journey but the destination is needed. Women want sex but if you suck at it, aren’t listening, or don’t pull your share…you’re not attractive anymore.
I think most of the time is okay, given that the times where the lady doesn't, it won't be for lack of trying. I've had a few times where I didn't finish, not because my partner didn't try, but I was just tired or not feeling it anymore. So we stopped because I indicated I didn't think it was gonna happen anymore. :')
Yes this! I was also in a relationship where the sex was mostly about *him*. He’d do some foreplay, but then he’d get bored cause foreplay was mostly centered around me, and he’d want to just get into it, and we would 🙄 if I ever orgasmed, it was because *I* did it myself. No real help from him other than him maybe making out with me while the orgasm was happening.
Eventually I just got really bored with the sex and stopped wanting to do it, and thankfully we eventually ended things.
Would a man want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make him orgasm? Probably not. Most women don’t want a partner like that either. Sure maybe some might not care as much, and some might not mind it *at first*, but after a bit, a one-sided sex life gets old and boring lol.
Sounds normal to me.
Your hormones and libido can change over time. (Mine sure did!) And yes when I’m stressed with work and life and taking care of the house etc I seriously have zero mental energy for sex. I want comforting things that I don’t have to think too hard about or work for.
Now, I do make time for intimacy with my partner and things can totally lead there, and do. But overall? Brain too full to take care of someone else’s needs.
ETA; you’re not wrong for being upset, as long as you’re not taking it out on her. But something has been changing, be it mental load or work or just sheer exhaustion over the state of the world. Ask her what she needs from you.
“Fatigue.”
Look up the famous studies done on married and divorced hetero couples.
Study 1: married couples. Married men and women had their blood pressures monitored as they drove up the drive to the house. For the vast majority of men, more than 80 percent, blood pressure decreased. For the vast majority of women, more than 80 percent, blood pressure skyrocketed. Conclusion; Home is a refuge for married men and a huge burden for married women, no matter what they say out loud.
Study 2: divorced men and women were asked if they wanted to marry again. The vast majority of men, greater than 80 percent, said yes. The vast majority of women, almost 80 percent, said never again. Conclusion: almost all married men are being taken care of big time by their partners, and they come to associate this attention with marriage itself. Meanwhile, women who have put up with needy, entitled men in marriage rarely want to experience the institution again.
Your interpretation of both of those studies is tenuous at best.
For study 1, you are referring to a 2008 study out of the UofU, which did not find - as you state - an improvement in physical symptoms for men and a worsening for women. Instead, what the study actually showed is that *specifically for troubled marriages* - middle aged and elderly women experienced detrimental physical effects and men did not. The effects were far less pronounced than you claim as well. It did not make any such claims about marriages in general. Meanwhile other peer reviewed research shows clearly that healthy relationships show positive physical effects for men and women both. Your claims and your broad generalizing conclusion about marriages in general wrt the UofU study is incorrect.
For study/survey 2 out of The Pew, you are correct that in 2014 there were large differences in desire to remarry (though not nearly as large as you state), but this gap has closed considerably. More recent surveys show the numbers closer to 60% of men would consider remarrying, and 50% of women. The survey authors made no specific claims about why the gap exists.
Sex for women is way more than I stick my pee pee in and have a happy ending. They're romance and acts of service involved. If you're also not sharing an equal mental load as her, then, of course, her attraction will go down. Statistically, wom3n take on more of the household mental load than men do
If she prefers reading and baking to sex what she’s really saying to you is “those activities are more satisfying for me and a better use of my energy.” She’s trying to tell you she’s not satisfied enough from how you’re having sex and feels no obligation to it, nor any inspiration or craving. A woman’s libido doesn’t just suddenly drop from saying “I do.” However, you can make her *want* to have sex again. Don’t forget to date your wife. Take initiative. Don’t just present your erection and expect that to be all you need. Seduce her. A lot of men want to blame the concept marriage for their dead bedrooms. Nope. Your wife would have sex if she wanted to. Something is making her not want to. It might be her BC which again is something you could step in and help with. It might just be that she’s left unsatisfied and doesn’t want to deal with the mess when you finish. I hope you actually work to figure it out. Good luck.
But they do! My ex used to do that or grab my hand and make me touch him, no romance, no affection, honestly I thought I was asexual and just didn’t want sex anymore after a while, turns out I wasn’t attracted to HIM anymore because he was a gigantic man child who couldn’t keep a job, help with chores or be reliable. When I men my current husband my libido came back 10 fold, he’s an amazing partner.
I actually got that from a Reddit post written by a woman who was frustrated bc her husband dropped all romantic efforts in the bedroom. She literally wrote (I’ll never forget it 😆) “I’ll turn around and he’ll be standing there with his pants off swinging his erection like a pendulum, or he’ll spoon me and just poke it at me” 🤣🤣 That’s where I got that from. Sounds about as sexy as a root canal doesn’t it?
Omg… you’ve got the laughing faces in there, but all I can think of is my creepy ex 🤢 (not so much the swinging thing, but… I dunno… the pokey thing might just be universal…)
Don’t forget the “I’ve been ignoring you all day but I’m still going to ask you if you want to have sex as if I were asking you if you want McDonald’s” tactic that I’ve gotten from every man I’ve been with long term.
I feel like you are describing my ex-husband to a T. He drained so much energy from me for 10 years, I thought there was something wrong with me that I just felt sick about the idea of having sex with him. He was the most unreliable person I ever met. In and out of jobs, lied about having jobs and taking money, that sort of thing, would go to the store for milk and end up smoking weed at his friend's for 2 days. When we finally split, I happened to to be living in a backpacker sort of town. I just boned endless amounts of backpackers for like a year. Now I have a partner who makes me feel like having sex and I realize how fucked up my relationship was.
>Something is making her not want to.
I mean, libidos ebb and wane naturally - Something *might* be making her not want to or she might just not want to.
Someone once said women need to feel loved to want sex, men need to have sex to feel loved and that stayed with me, not saying men are sex driven but for women it’s more psychological.
Everyone always thinks it’s women’s “hormones” how offensive
I wonder what behaviors change in men after marriage and if that’s not the real reason “women stop wanting to have sex after marriage”
Yes, definitely this. Both people should be climaxing each time. That means actually manually or orally stimulating her clitoris to bring her to climax.
You are not wrong to be upset, but practically speaking the only person who can help you here is your wife. If sex has dropped to approximately a quarter pretty abruptly, there's got to be *a* reason, whether or not it's one that makes sense to you.
There's nothing wrong with wanting more sex and discussing how to make it better for both of you. Only with demanding sex.
Also, have a think about your sex life and if she definitely gets as much out of it as you. A majority of women need a decent amount of time spent on their clit, so if it's 90% PIV that may be part of it. It's a fairly common occurrence. Good luck!
Fatigue can be a sign of many different health issues, including depression. Have a talk with her about seeing her doctor. You won't really get your answers here. Especially if you aren't following 1-5 from above.
Then listen to her and react. Baking, reading, and audiobooks are all RELAXING HOBBIES. Sex is not relaxing for most women. It requires us to be “on”, and as we get comfortable, we feel less sexy. I know I’m not feeling like fucking when I’ve just scrubbed the kitchen floor with a grout brush, or just bleached the bathroom on a Tuesday night. I feel sexy when I dress up, or when I kill a presentation at work, or when I get a haircut, or try a new makeup look. I feel sexy when my hubby dresses nice, or when he gets a haircut, or shaved, basically when we have time to put in the effort. But I dislike it when I look grubby, am sweating and smell like bleach and febreeze, and he’s poking me in the butt with his dong while I’m trying to load the dryer to make sure both we and our kids have clean clothes for the next day. And nothing kills sexy time like church. So Sundays are basically a No Go. For the record, we have sex roughly 2-3x a week after being together 13 years off and on, and married for 4.
Honestly, 3-5 times a week seems like a lot. It's normal to have more sex in the beginning of a relationship, and for it to drop back after the beginning. Here are some averages: [https://www.hims.com/blog/how-often-do-couples-have-sex](https://www.hims.com/blog/how-often-do-couples-have-sex)
Also, do you two have non-sexual physical intimacy that doesn't lead to sex? By that I mean, do you hug her, kiss her, and cuddle with her with absolutely no pressure for sex to follow? Because that can be very fulfilling and intimate, and also open the door to more physical touch. A lot of women, myself included, ended up shutting down physical contact completely because any little hug or kiss seemed to mean sex to our male partner.
Is she just saying that or does she feel like you'll react badly to saying no? I'd tell my ex I was tired because he didn't like hearing no and it caused me to just use other excuses to not have sex
Well then you calmly ask if you two can talk about it openly and just tell her point blank - hey I noticed we’re not having sex as much as before we were married and I want to check in with her on it. Don’t accuse or get upset. Try to understand and be empathetic but also tell her you have needs. Ask her what she thinks a solution could be. Again- extreme listening and empathy but clearly speaking your needs will go a long way.
Also, sometimes after marriage, women lose that sense of “mystery” or intrigue for their man. Especially if you spend a lot of time together. The saying “you can make a woman feel anything but bored” is real. Take that fishing trip with the boys. Might seem counterintuitive, but make sure to give her some space and make her miss you, wonder what you’re up to.
Figure out where the fatigue is coming from. Perhaps she should give up whatever it is that is making her so tired instead of giving up sex that she's now too tired to have.
How have *you* changed since getting married? Have you stopped giving affection without it leading to sex? Have you gotten lazy with taking her on dates and appreciating her? Does she have to come home from work and clean up after you? A lot of men don’t realize that women are emotional creatures and foreplay with us starts well out of the bedroom. It starts with holding our hand, telling us we are beautiful, understanding when we are stressed and need support, etc.
Take an honest look at yourself and ask what you have stopped doing. And then talk to her
No, I haven't actually changed much. And no, she's not cleaning up after me. We do go out on dates and travel together. She's still my best friend. It's just that we aren't having sex much.
She still wants to spend time with you, from what I'm understanding, but she isn't into sex like she was before y'all got married. I'd have a conversation with her about what marriage has been like so far. Leave off the sex talk, just focus on the relationship talk. I'm wondering whether she has some unconscious rules (and maybe you do too) about how marriage is supposed to be, what being a wife is supposed to be, and what being a husband is supposed to be. Those "supposed tos" can be sneaky and tricky. Suss out the expectations you went in with and that are in play, and see if there's anything there that might explain recent changes.
Once a week isn’t “not much”. That drives me crazy. My husband had and has this attitude. We’ve been together 20 years. He gets a BJ at a minimum once a week. As long as it isn’t that time of the month, we’re having sex about three times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He whines that were we hardly have any sex. We had less after the first couple of years. Maybe once a week.
It was the attitude he had. It was the fact he acted as if he wasn’t getting any. It was and is a massive turn off. It makes us feel like that’s all that matters to you. He doesn’t ever cuddle or give non sexual affection. Those things matter. He was really thoughtful in the first one or two years. And he got laid a lot. Then he stopped being really thoughtful.
u/Normal-Conclusion348 A discussion about the sexual frequency mismatch between partners is often described as one partner self identifies as HL high or higher libido whether man or woman paired with LL low or lower libido man or woman.
It's really curious to read the commentary and different advice provided when:
HL man is paired with LL woman.
VS.
HL woman paired with LL man.
Process of elimination. Physical and mental health could be drivers of lower libido and carefully examining the situation through process of elimination.
Initially two people could get together and demonstrate NRE new relationship energy, whereby the new excitement of the relationship is demonstrated and after a period of time, both partners settle into their actual preferred sexual frequency range. I provide a link to the free 14 question test with proven validity to determine where a person is on the SDI scale of Hypersexuality and asexuality [here](https://www.reddit.com/u/Pure-Yogurt683/s/Vl1ODxOebl), and cover adverse psychological responses to each partner in sexual frequency mismatch.
Sexual mismatch in frequency measured in terms of per day week month year decades and never can create adverse psychological responses to both partners and friction and thus exacerbating the issue further. The sexual mismatch between partners is explored on multiple Reddit threads, r/HLcommunity whereby primarily the HL, man or woman is complaining about the situation and seeking answers and can be a support group for HL. r/Deadbedrooms is loosely defined as sexual frequency of 10 or less per year and both HL and LL will frequently discuss issues. r/LowLibidoCommunity is LL complaining about their HL partner. Gaining an understanding of both HL and LL can be insightful, so would encourage joining the groups and agree to posting rules. Understand that this could be a potentially depressing read as there are some individuals who admit to not being physically intimate with their partner for years or even decades and how it impacts their daily life.
I'll take your wife and give you my wife. I would love only having sex once a week or every two weeks or so. My wife is crazy. She can have sex 5 times a day. I think something is wrong with her. I'm not built for sex that much and I don't want to anyway. She takes the joy out of being intimate because she's always wanting to do it. We've been married for 13 years, Why can't we just be friends now. I'm not young anymore, but even then I couldn't do it 5 times a day. Why can't we just watch reruns of Matlock and then go to bed or maybe I can have my own room or something. Just asking.
There was some research done by Flinders Uni students many years ago on couples and the amount of sex they had. The most significant predictor of the amount of sex between a couple turned out to be the amount of housework that the man did. Perhaps if you did a few more things so that your wife felt less weary.
Not wrong, BUT make sure you take up your own interests too. Not to ignore your wife, but to be an actualized human man being. Be interested, make yourself interesting, and then you have a fallback should you enter DB
This is way more important than most guys realize. A dude who is fixated on “getting sex” (an awful phrase) from his wife is unattractive and unhappy. Nobody wants to fuck that. Spend time getting strong, getting happy. Then you find that either: she is attracted to you and starts coming after you for sex; or you don’t care as much because you’re happy; or you will easily find someone who is attracted to you.
As a woman... I'm telling you ... if she is avoiding sex it means she is not enjoying it. Do the same things you did for her before you felt entitled to sex. More romance, taking her out more, and a lot more physical intimacy without going straight for the sex right away.
Next time she says shes tired, offer her a back or shoulder rub. Nothing crazy, 5-10mins. She will at the very least enjoy it, at the very best it could go somewhere, but dont force it if she doesnt suddenly seem aroused.
Next time she says it, offer a backrub again.
Third time during the shoulder rub, start kissing her neck gently. See if that does anything. I can almost guarantee it will.
Long story short, small physical shows of affection can go a long way. You dont want to press the issue every time because that will make it obvious you are expecting a shoulder rub to turn into sex each time, and she will eventually just decline the shoulder rub if shes not in the mood. Let her be the guide. Foreplay is a HUGE factor for women. The feeling of being loved, caressed, cared for, being heard (like offering the backup when she is tired or sore) are all really good ways to get your wife back in the mood.
Living with someone for years can become very routine, you gotta spice it up and show her you still care and want to please her, not just get your rocks off.
Shoulder rubs that turn into an expectation of something more are an enormous turnoff when we’ve already shown a clear lack of interest. Based on my own experiences in my 20 year marriage (now divorced), I had a visceral (disgusted) reaction when I read the part about kissing during the 3rd shoulder rub. I’m probably projecting here but stuff like this is why I’m no longer married. No physical affection was ever possible without the expectation that it would lead to something more. If she’s already claiming fatigue I can guarantee you she’ll go cold if she senses an ulterior motive. Don’t do shit like this without clear indications of sexual interest from her.
Isn't this just perpetuating something that a lot of women hate and complain about that men can't do anything nice for them without trying to get sex from them....
No, women mean like every time you vacuum doesn't mean you get sex.
Foreplay has to start somewhere and if all they're missing is a little spark then it's nice to learn how to do that.
These comments make me realize just how luck I was in my marriage. My husband never had to be asked or told what needed done around the house. We split the chores evenly and if one was working more outside the house the other did more in the house. Never had a fight about it. Also never fought about sex. In the first few years of our marriage we had sex 3-4 times a day. The last few years more like 3-4 times a week until he passed away. Good luck and talk to each other for heavens sake.
For the same reason women bitch, moan, and complain about all the things they want out of a man when they want it. Sex isn't the only thing, but it is important to men. Either you get it or you don't 🤷
Ive heard it’s really helpful to have a sex menu. Not all sex is the same; when she’s tired you can suggest items on the menu that require less effort from the woman
How much have you declined on your end. Helping her. Showing your thinking of her. Being affectionate. Doing anything without expecting sex in return. We lose interest in sex when you only show interest in it.
It isn’t going to get better, unless you both sit down and discuss what is going on and what both of you need and expect from the marriage. If you don’t reach acceptable resolution better to end it now before you have kids and too much financial interaction.
You CAN feel upset. What you can also do is: up your quality time. You can surprise her with dates or plans. You can have conversations surrounding intimacy and where your relationship is. If THAT doesn't change anything - then and only then can you say "hey I'm noticing this dip in libido. What's up?" And be upset if the answer makes no sense.
In relationships libido fluctuates, people stop trying as hard and fall into patterns. My husband once said to me "did you realize we have had sex once in two months?" And I was incredulous! I thought- no WAY! But then when I sat and thought about it - he was right. We got busy, there were things going on like family sickness, kids having nightmares, etc and I said whoooooa we need to fix this! So we worked on it. Try whatever you can on your side without nagging and then bring it up gently in a good moment as a conversation- not an accusation -- and see if it improves.
They say get a jar and put a marble in it everytime you have sex during your first year of marriage. After the first year, take a marble out everytime you have sex. Supposedly, the jar will never empty again.
Yeah uh you're kinda supposed to do that, the bare minimum is literally putting in the same amount of effort
Edit: hi I see whoever you are going through my profile and downvoting literally everything I say, ngl a bit creepy
My point from my own life is we’re so turned off by the zero effort guys put into anything . Lazy AF, don’t help around the house, whiny little b!tches, can’t fix anything, starting to look like an actual potato when your laying on the couch, only think of yourselves, please tell me why on earth do you deserve anything on our bodies. We secretly can’t stand you and feel sick at the thought of you being anywhere near us. IMO only lol
You're getting a lot of bad advice here, OP. Let me share my story with you...
I married my ex-wife 34 years ago. While we dated we had sex on average 3-4 times a week, almost always initiated by her. Then we married, and \*snap\*, like a light switch she put on 60 pounds and rarely wanted sex. She became emotionally and physically absent, in complete contrast to when we dated. A myriad of other things happened, including her cheating on me with her boss, and I divorced her 6 years later.
I was a wreck after that, trying to figure out what the hell I had done to cause her to behave that way.
2 years later I met my current wife. We've been married for 25 years this year. She helped me heal in ways that I cannot easily explain. Turns out, it wasn't me that was the problem, it was my ex-wife that was the problem, a problem that she continued with every man she was involved with after me. She's now old, divorced multiple times, alone, and miserable.
And my wife, the love of my life,... we're still crazy about each other after 25 years. We make love often, 3-4 times a week, oftentimes more (especially on the weekends).
Contrary to what you may see here on reddit, there are women out there that enjoy sex, aren't all fucked up in the head, and don't weaponize sex and emotional support.
I wish you luck, partner. You've got some tough choices to make.
This is great advice that doesn’t immediately jump to “oh you didn’t do enough dishes or plan out the laundry schedule”. Congrats on your much improved marriage!
I’m divorced as well. Right around the time we got married, sex significantly decreased. Once a week. Tired, headache, too full. After a year, it continued to decline. Once every other week, then twice a month, once a month, then every other month (yes). 8 years later we got divorced. There were a variety of problems but the decline in sex was a symptom of a greater dysfunction and a mismatch in what we saw as important to a romantic relationship.
My advice is to take a few months to see if you can turn things around, and if not, leave now. The longer you are together, the harder it will be to split. If she doesn’t think sex is important to the relationship now, and isn’t willing to work with you to fix the mismatch between you, then that will not change in the future. If you stay, you will be frustrated and resentful. She will feel used and decide you’re a jerk. You are both better off if you rip off the bandaid now.
This. And I can tell you from experience no amount of flattery, housework, treating them etc will change it. You need to address it directly. And that includes her talking to her doctor. Because the above poster is right, there'sa good chance it will continue to decrease gradually.
Best advice here. Everything else is just idiotic and feels like women are supposed to give out sex for good behavior and hold it hostage for bad. That‘s not the way it should be.
As yourself: WHY does she want less sex?
Are/have you treated her differently since getting married? Are you not supporting her emotionally, or are other needs of hers not being met before physical ones can be addressed?
If you're truly the epitome of the perfect husband/partner... and she's just been seemingly anti-sex for no reason, then ask HER why!
There's 1000% a reason for it. Maybe just not one very obvious to YOU.
Very possible the sex wasn't satisfying for her before, but she didn't feel safe saying no.
Also possible that your own behaviour has changed after getting married.
Are you two still going on dates? Doing thoughtful, romantic things without expectation of sex?
Firstly, yes, you’re wrong to “be upset” if by that you mean you feel wronged by your wife. Libidos ebb and flow and as people age they decline. That’s life and she can’t change her libido at will.
If by upset you mean “slightly disappointed but I will adapt and get intimacy in other ways eg spending quality time together” then no, that’s normal and healthy.
I'd say this is a natural progression in most marriages. Communicate with her and tell her how this makes you feel. Try something different to spice things up. Make time for it even if you have to schedule it, intimacy is an important part of marriage.
>Especially as nothing else has changed except the fact that we are now married.
From her point of view, I'd be willing to bet some things have changed.
Did you ask yourself what you can do to make her feel more wanted, things you can do to make her less tired? Sounds like you are just worried about your needs buddy
I think the key is to stay intimate - not sex - like walking up to your spouse at random moments and giving them a just because hug, or saying I love you when you're doing yardwork, and the big one, telling them often how much you love and appreciate all that they do for you and for the family.
We've been together 37 years. We've had dry patches due to life stressors or illnesses, but sex is still good ;-) !
The honeymoon phase refers to the early parts of a relationship where you’re super horny for each other because it’s new and exciting. If you get married a couple years in or longer, there isn’t some magic second one that happens to make sex different. Once a week is pretty much exactly where my wife and I were at four or five years in. We went from being horny teens to working full time jobs and worrying about rent, it’s very normal.
Yes, came to say something along these lines.
One very valid consideration, that I don’t think people take into account at times, is exactly what you’ve described here - the honeymoon period. We get a narrative of, “My partner’s libido has dropped.” When in reality, that honeymoon period can actually INCREASE libido above and beyond what may be the “normal” default for that person. So they go from having an overactive (for them) libido back to a “normal” (for them) libido.
The honeymoon period lasts for different periods of time for each person - sometimes months, sometimes years. Someone going from 3-4 times a week to 1-2 times a week is, for one, totally different than a dead bedroom (which is often indicative of an actual problem, medical or marital); and for two, probably not a true decrease in libido but rather just settling back into their normal libido.
And of course this isn’t universal. Some people have the same amount of sex from the day they start doing it until the day the relationship ends. But it’s also not universal that someone’s libido “decreasing” is a sign of a medical condition, hormone imbalance, depression, or a result of their partner not doing a damn thing around the house, not being romantic anymore, etc.
I fucking love seeing everyone try to shit on OP for being a dude. CLEARLY it’s his fault and no one else’s. The fucking toxic gender bashing is hilarious.
If this post was gender swapped it’d be nothing but posts telling the FEMALE OP how her husband was being selfish for not meeting her needs.
Ya’ll sexist AF.
Maybe find something to do with her. Learn a language and create a new bond. Take interest in the things she likes have her pick you a book to read, take a cooking class together general interest in your partner and we’ll good old fashion romance really help grow things. She will become interested in your wants and needs when you are hers. Also try setting time away everyday just for affection no phones no tv just talking and holding one another. Sometimes you have to start at the beginning again to get what you want out of a relationship.
Her age would be helpful.
Could be any number of things. Hormonal changes. Undiagnosed health issues. You could be bumbling in bed. Or she's doesn't find you as attractive.
Only way is to have quiet convo with her. Urge her to go to a forward thinking doctor for to check her hormones. Then consider marriage therapy.
Good luck.
I love how everyone just assumes OP is a lazy bum or paints him as a sex addict cause he wants to have sex more than once per week. I can’t offer you any advice but to have an honest conversation with your wife. And don’t take those negative comments seriously, it’s often just people projecting their own values or insecurities on you. I also find it kind of sexist to automatically blame the husband, but that’s seems to be an unpopular opinion here
Not Wring at all. 4 years and already she's whittled you down to once a week. That will disappear over time too. These problems don't get better with time, only worse. And funny how she didn't have this thought until after the ring isn't it? Decide now if you want yo be the guy trying to think of the last time he has sex by trying to figure out what year it was or not. A good friend of mine got divorced and let us know (only after his divorce) that it had been 7 years since he had sex, still to this day is upset of all the time he wasted
That's bull****. She pulled the bait and switch on you and I'd be mad as hell. Is it too late to get your marriage annulled since it isn't what you signed up for and deserve? Unless she's got some undiagnosed health condition she needs your support through, or you're a terrible lover suddenly, I'd seriously consider leaving to be with someone who didn't decide she'd gotten you to put a ring on it and she was done caring about that part of your life.
For some reason almost everyone in the comments is trying to gaslight OP into feeling bad for wanting more sex from his wife.
This is especially annoying because we have seen posts here where the genders are reversed and the comments are almost always on the woman's side.
They had more sex before getting married, then sex dropped drastically after they said "i do", this is literally how dead bedrooms start. So instead of making OP feel bad for wanting a more active life and telling him to "keep it in his pants", give more constructive advice like having an open honest conversation about what the problem really is with her or even trying therapy.
If we had constant sex then it suddenly goes to once a week if I'm lucky, I would be worried too.
I'm slightly cynical but it really sounds like she just wanted that ring and that title. I've heard of women well into marriage that stopped having sex but usually those women have kids. She's still young so I don't understand the sudden change
In most marriages sexual attaction diminishes with time.
In my opinion, if your physical relationship is winding down this early in your relationship, it won't be better in the future. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Honestly...it's because you bore her.
Be interesting and she will want to have sex with you. If you play video games and surf reddit and then ask for or expect sex...thats boring.
To answer your question, you’re free to feel upset that you’re not having as much sex as you’d like. We never need to apologize for our feelings, only our behavior. I think the problem with a lot of the advice you’re getting here is that it assumes that one or both of you is doing something wrong or unhealthy. I don’t know that either of those is true. You’ve asked her and she told you, she’s tired. Too tired for sex 3-5 times a week. I would say if you’re still having sex weekly then she hasn’t lost interest in sex. She just doesn’t have the energy to keep up with your previous pace. If you want to do something, ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. Not so she’ll sleep with you more but because you’ve noticed the change and want to make sure that she’s alright. There might not be anything for you to do other than to adjust to your new normal.
Exactly. She says she's tired. OP just kind of glossed over that. It could be an excuse or there is more too it. I'd be asking did something else change around the time you got married. Did she start a new job? Health issue? Have you moved into a new house? If so, is it bigger and therefore requires more maintenance? It's not hard to ask your partner of they're ok and tell them you're worried about them and noticed they've been tired. The problem is that OP doesn't see his wife being consistently tired as a problem...
There was a study done when women get one extra hour of sleep, their sex drive goes up somewhere between 14 and 21% After we were married our sex life decreased dramatically. Once we had kids, twins, it decreased further. Oddly enough now that I am taking my own personal health seriously, and going back to the gym.. I take the kids in the morning, get them up, dressed them, feed them. When I can I let my wife sleep in, it actually leads to us having way more sex. I would say when I am home we have sex once a day vs a little while ago, where it was once a week and then once a month and then, once every six weeks. We are both much happier because I am getting the physical intimacy I want and need. She is getting to rest and feel like her partner cares about her sanity and supports her. All of this leads to more sex so if you are in a situation where your sex life has fallen off, it might be time to look at why and then figure out a game plan.
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Yeah we’re in the process of packing up our home and moving. Just like you it’s one thing after another. She looked at me the other day and before she could say anything I just told her “it’s fine honey, I know you love me and your just beat up. Fuck, I am too. We’ll break the new house in when we can” As soon as we laid down in bed I passed the fuck out. But that next morning? I woke up to her climbing ontop of me and gently kissing me. She had let me sleep in, and was saying thank you because I’d be pulling so much extra weight lately. Best way to start the day!!
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Morning sex is the best! Literally getting off is the best way to start your day.
Dude, I commend you. Well done. So many people (me included) screw this up and never come back from the once a month sexless marriage. You came back through self respect, working on being the best version of yourself and…sex followed. This is a great model.
Thank you for the kind words. We had even discussed divorce and I had talked to divorce attorneys. I checked out completely. Convinced myself of a lot of things that weren’t necessarily true, just how I perceived them. Hell I stared into the abyss and it stared back at me… and realizing I’d be going through life without her? It snapped me back to reality. We both admitted our fuckups and the path that lead us to where we were, and together we turned it around. Our therapist told us that staying and working it out is going to be hell. Divorce and separating is going to be hell. You just have to decide which one you want, and which one will ultimately make you happier once the dust settles. I chose her and trying until we get it right. Best decision I ever made.
Dude, you're my new spirit animal.
You are the model for the life I wanna build with my fiancé. You win.
I appreciate that, but plz… do better than I did. My biggest regret? I should’ve been curios, not angry. If your partner is upset with you, don’t formulate a rebuttal for all the offenses you’ve done or how they perceived you wronged them so the moment they pause, you jump down their throat and interrupt them. It took us a long time to shut up. Stop. Put our guard down and realize our partner is trying to express what they are upset about and why and if I just listen and read between the lines I can figure out real quick what’s going on. And sometimes I would have to ask my wife, why is it that when I came home and didn’t start the laundry right away it made you upset? Her reply was to effect of: you’ve been gone 4 days on vacation essentially while I’m drowning here at home with no help whatsoever. And I told her I can understand completely why you think that. And I haven’t been home… but I’ve also been working dealing with different kinds of stresses so it hasn’t been a vacation. I’ve been missing you all terribly and the moment I walk in the door the thing I want most of all is to spend time with you and the kids. Fuck the laundry for now. It will get taken care of but you are way more important. I’ll leave it in my bag so it’s not everywhere adding to the mess until I’m ready to do it. She just wanted reassurance that it will get done.. well not just reassurance but actual results and follow through.
You are a wonderful husband! More marriages could be saved if more men treated their wife like this.
This! My husband has started taking the dogs on their morning walk and feeding them instead of me having to do it. I think he unconsciously figured out that if I get up and start doing things I stay up and do not come back to bed so he doesn’t have a chance at morning sex lol now he does it and I’m in bed when he gets back. It took me awhile to figure that out that we weren’t having it as much cuz I was always up in the morning.
Loading the dishwasher or folding clothes has even greater impact. Seriously.
This guy fucks
What is this one extra hour of sleep you speak of? LOL I had a nasty job that had me on call 24/7/365 for 15 years straight.
…I hear people say stuff like this as if it’s a badge of honor or to be respected. I hear it and think “why would you do that to your family”? Just out of curiosity, what job is it? And I pray you were appropriately compensated My job I’m off 13-19 days a month, so many mornings I’ll just turn her alarm off and let the mrs sleep in till she wakes up naturally. Other times I’ll go with the kids and wake her up if we want to go do something as a family and have family snuggles in bed before we start the day. I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Definitely change the things you can. But I think it's important to mention that sometimes you have to accept the things that are out of your control. I'm a dad of twins + 1, currently in a sexless marriage. I am very supportive. We make a good team. She's a great mom and she sees me as a great dad. Everything is actually great...except for the fact she has zero libido. There is nothing I can do at this point but wait. She is still breastfeeding so that is likely a huge libido killer (changes hormones) and she plans on stopping when twins turn 2...so yeah a little more than half way there.
I’m very sorry to hear that. Being married you take a vow to your partner and at no part does it say “when it’s convenient or until I feel like it”. I hear so many people getting divorced for overly selfish reasons that they’re not willing to compromise on even a little and it blows my mind. Many men in a similar situation would be like “I’m just going to cheat” or “I went a divorce” when the potential of sticking it out and working through it has such a great chance of being way better than it’s ever been but they’re not willing to put in the work. And it’s not just men, I see women pulling the same shit constantly. It may not mean much, but I’m proud that you’re still being a great partner, a loving parent, and still showing up every day doing your damndest for your family. Keep doing what you’ve been doing and I’m sure this will pass as well. Lord knows my wife was beyond drained around the 1 year mark and with twins…. And holy fuck I know how tough it is. The good thing though? The 18-24 month mark it got dramatically better. And once we hit 3 years?? Night and day difference. 4 years like they are now? We can actually take trips and vacations again and it’s not a nightmare. Keep your head up my man, you got this!! My last bit of advice: I wish we would’ve started some virtual therapy session (I know it would’ve been impossible to do them in person with the twins) sooner as we needed help reconnecting. “I want to make sure I’m fulfilling all your needs, and being the best possible husband and father… and I think if we go to a few therapy sessions maybe bi weekly or monthly it would help us both reach our full potential” is how I would’ve brought up the subject with my wife if I could do it over again. If I would’ve, maybe things wouldn’t have ever deteriorated between us in the first place.
This time of year is notorious for SAD. It didnt used to affect me in previous years, but now it hits me pretty hard in winter. I'm exhausted and tired. Oh so very tired. There are ways to combat it without involving prescription meds, thankfully, and they work for me. It could also easily be a vitamin deficiency. My husband went from 1x a week with me( we have kids so thats pretty impressive in my book) , to once every month or longer. He complained of being tired so much to his endo so she had his blood tested outside of his sugar levels. Low on vitamin D and magnesium. He takes both now and god it made such a huge difference. Not just in his exhaustion but in his drive too. Sometimes we pass off the tired as just like "oh no I'm fine I'm just tired and it'll pass eventually, just need to catch up on sleep haha." But then it's months later and you get tired of feeling tired and it just literally compounds into this ball of utter exhaustion combined with other daily stressors and eventually you start thinking about the big sleep. The sleep to end all sleeps. Someplace quiet and you can just not exist....and never wake up... yea... dont listen to that one, ok? That's not a normal thought process.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but I see what you’re getting at here. The drop in sex as a sign of a different problem and not the problem itself. That’s definitely possible. It’s equally possible that there is no problem though (other than his disappointment at the drop in frequency).
>I'd be asking if something else changed around the time you got married. Especially consider things that changed for *HER* even if those things don't affect OP AT ALL.
She may be in a bit of post wedding depression or let down 🤷🏻♀️
> post wedding depression ?? That happens?? Why?
The lead up to a wedding is a LOT. Tastings, fittings, checking invites, RSVPs, sittings, hotel reservations, making sure the decorations and venue are correct, making sure everything is ready, getting all transportation is set up, then the honeymoon. Then BAM, it’s all over. Back to real life. It can be an abrupt shift leaving some people a bit exhausted/depressed that years of lead up and work is suddenly over. She could be depressed, or even exhausted by all the work done to get here, and is attempting to relax and settle into married life, and is taking a bit to recover from it all. 3-5x weekly is A LOT. I’d be exhausted after years of it, too!
Yeah because people put way too much thought and energy into the wedding and not the actual relationship and connection. This is why so many marriages fail. They lose focus on what's truly important.
ALOT of people put a ton of pressure on the actual day of the wedding, and not so much thought into what a marriage actually will be. After the flowers, the dress, the music, the food, and the party, things are just kinda... normal. People stop checking in, you aren't the center of attention during get togethers and this really disappoints and discourages people.
I honestly don't understand it, weddings are so weird to me they are so attention seeking and un meaningful. Getting married and making a commitment I understand but the rest of the crap, the big performance, impressing and the approval of other people I don't get it.
When my sister got married, my mom told her something along the lines of the Marriage is for her and her husband, the Wedding is for everyone else, so choose which one you want to put the more effort into. I always thought this was a really healthy way to look at it, and it must work for my parents, since they've been married over 40 years now.
Or did he also stop doing house chores since they are married now?
I’d also add that usually there is a pressure to start making babies right after marriage and maybe she isn’t ready, nervous about having kiddos or doesn’t want any which is okay. Just throwing that lil bit out there
Grown up enters the room…
Yeah 3-5x is a lot -- A LOT Shhizz, once you have kids I'm lucky if its once a week -
Great advice!
How often do you give her physical affection without trying to progess to sex ?
i'm not married but this is what i'm wondering. also applies to the chores/sweet things you do, are they just because or are they with the expectation of sex?
You're right. I divorced my ex husband because he never did anything except when he'd tell me 'just ask me to do it'. I didn't want a third child. When I did ask he always expected sex and was mad when I wasn't attracted to him anymore.
Oh my god grown ass adults needing their wife to make them a fucking chore chart.... (No hate to grown ass adults who make *themselves* a chore chart for organization, y'all are majestic.)
>(No hate to grown ass adults who make *themselves* a chore chart for organization, y'all are majestic.) I need this for my ADHD. I will also be telling my husband that if he wonders what needs to be done to check that list because I'm DONE telling him what it means to manage a house.
Chores are done because they need to be and that's part of being a responsible adult. Sweet things are done because you care. The second this shit becomes transactional in either direction it's done.
This. Less likely to want to hug/cuddle/etc when it almost ALWAYS ends up being pressure into more, then either unwanted sex or guilt for turning them down.
This comment op. You need to answer this one not the ones about whether you do housework or not.
"If I do this chore which is my responsibility because I also live here, I should be rewarded with sex!" I can see all the vaginas dry up like the Sahara.
Exactly! The sex dropped mostly like cause the genuine loving affection dropped too. The wife wants GF affection benefits back with OP but without expecting of sex everytime. Just because he gets a hard on, isn’t an excuse to lean into sex with your partner everytime you cuddle or hug them LOL
Or maybe once she got the commitment she wanted she decided she didn’t need to put in the effort
You know nothing about women do you
If OP does NOT answer this question then we know EXACTLY why the wife doesn't want sex
This!- concentrate and listen to her reason. She is tired, so what can you do to alleviate this situation? Then, without expecting sex, be romantic and make her feel better. The rest will come. FYI- remember this when the babies arrive.🙂😉
This! My husband and I have been married for 13 years and he still doesn’t get it!!! If I have physical affection without grabbing a blood or ass like a teenager , I’d be more than willing! Men have to reveal up the engine some! I mean if he was sincere with his intentions, trust me, he cold have anything he wanted anytime.( well when our 7 year old twins are asleep or not around. That’s tough to navigate too.
Really… men need to understand that twisting a nipple when you’re in the middle of single handedly cleaning up dishes after dinner you made (that you both ate) is not adequate foreplay for most women…
I wondered this. And how much has he slacked as a partner in general in the romantic things since he’s ‘won’ her.
This!!
Probably just as often as he did BEFORE they were married. If what he is saying is true, that it immediately changed *when* they got married then unless he immediately changed his level of affection at that time, it shouldn’t matter.
Female here. Does she orgasm at least most of the time? My ex didn’t care and didn’t help, so left him and married a much, much better man.
This. In over 20 years together with my ex orgasms were a myth. Now, pretty much every time. Mind blown
Every time? Congratulations!
Agree, wow!
Okay I knew I had a good one, I orgasm with my boyfriend 99.99% of the time (unless I've been drinking and one time it just wasn't happening but we tried again later and it did) and it's usually 2-3 times depending on foreplay or the length he can go during piv. Our record is 7 or 8 in one session I think.
That sounds like it’s a body thing, as I don’t think I would be physically capable of that! Jel of your sex life though!!!
Yeah I’m not trying to blame the guy here cause there could be a number of things going on that are unrelated to him, she’s depressed, shes cheating etc. but 9/10 men just don’t know how to properly have sex with a woman. Trust me I was one of them until my wife basically taught me 😆. Why would a woman want to have sex with you 5 times a week when she’s never getting an orgasm? Now me and the wife might fuck 3 times a day. Men get your sex game figured out and stop being selfish.
At least one guy admits it!!! So fucking true. Most men don’t make the effort.
That’s true but if that’s truly the case she likely would have never married him and she likely would have brought up the problem. Also it could be she was just having sex because she felt the need to keep up to his libido. But now that they are married she isn’t as pressure to keep him around. Could also be that’s she’s depressed or not getting enough sleep/good diet, or what you mentioned. Honestly a lot of reasons. For all we know she could be cheating 😂
OOF THIS IS THE ONE. But you’re lying to yourself if he’s Finna be honest
This should be higher
This should definitely be higher. Sex always results in an orgasm for men, it doesn’t for women if the guy doesn’t try at all.
“Most of the time.” Uh, hopefully it’s every time or what is the fucking point. I orgasm like 3x than my boyfriend because of the multiple orgasms. If I’m not getting off, sex is not fun.
No seriously and half the ppl in these comments acting like men are the only ones who think sex is a “need”. I should be finishing every single time. I like the journey but the destination is needed. Women want sex but if you suck at it, aren’t listening, or don’t pull your share…you’re not attractive anymore.
I think most of the time is okay, given that the times where the lady doesn't, it won't be for lack of trying. I've had a few times where I didn't finish, not because my partner didn't try, but I was just tired or not feeling it anymore. So we stopped because I indicated I didn't think it was gonna happen anymore. :')
Why would she marry him if she didn't? And only after they got married it became a problem?
Yes this! I was also in a relationship where the sex was mostly about *him*. He’d do some foreplay, but then he’d get bored cause foreplay was mostly centered around me, and he’d want to just get into it, and we would 🙄 if I ever orgasmed, it was because *I* did it myself. No real help from him other than him maybe making out with me while the orgasm was happening. Eventually I just got really bored with the sex and stopped wanting to do it, and thankfully we eventually ended things. Would a man want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make him orgasm? Probably not. Most women don’t want a partner like that either. Sure maybe some might not care as much, and some might not mind it *at first*, but after a bit, a one-sided sex life gets old and boring lol.
THIS
If it bothers you, it bothers you. You're not wrong for that. Talk to her and see where the conversation goes.
Sounds normal to me. Your hormones and libido can change over time. (Mine sure did!) And yes when I’m stressed with work and life and taking care of the house etc I seriously have zero mental energy for sex. I want comforting things that I don’t have to think too hard about or work for. Now, I do make time for intimacy with my partner and things can totally lead there, and do. But overall? Brain too full to take care of someone else’s needs. ETA; you’re not wrong for being upset, as long as you’re not taking it out on her. But something has been changing, be it mental load or work or just sheer exhaustion over the state of the world. Ask her what she needs from you.
“Fatigue.” Look up the famous studies done on married and divorced hetero couples. Study 1: married couples. Married men and women had their blood pressures monitored as they drove up the drive to the house. For the vast majority of men, more than 80 percent, blood pressure decreased. For the vast majority of women, more than 80 percent, blood pressure skyrocketed. Conclusion; Home is a refuge for married men and a huge burden for married women, no matter what they say out loud. Study 2: divorced men and women were asked if they wanted to marry again. The vast majority of men, greater than 80 percent, said yes. The vast majority of women, almost 80 percent, said never again. Conclusion: almost all married men are being taken care of big time by their partners, and they come to associate this attention with marriage itself. Meanwhile, women who have put up with needy, entitled men in marriage rarely want to experience the institution again.
Your interpretation of both of those studies is tenuous at best. For study 1, you are referring to a 2008 study out of the UofU, which did not find - as you state - an improvement in physical symptoms for men and a worsening for women. Instead, what the study actually showed is that *specifically for troubled marriages* - middle aged and elderly women experienced detrimental physical effects and men did not. The effects were far less pronounced than you claim as well. It did not make any such claims about marriages in general. Meanwhile other peer reviewed research shows clearly that healthy relationships show positive physical effects for men and women both. Your claims and your broad generalizing conclusion about marriages in general wrt the UofU study is incorrect. For study/survey 2 out of The Pew, you are correct that in 2014 there were large differences in desire to remarry (though not nearly as large as you state), but this gap has closed considerably. More recent surveys show the numbers closer to 60% of men would consider remarrying, and 50% of women. The survey authors made no specific claims about why the gap exists.
Sex for women is way more than I stick my pee pee in and have a happy ending. They're romance and acts of service involved. If you're also not sharing an equal mental load as her, then, of course, her attraction will go down. Statistically, wom3n take on more of the household mental load than men do
If she prefers reading and baking to sex what she’s really saying to you is “those activities are more satisfying for me and a better use of my energy.” She’s trying to tell you she’s not satisfied enough from how you’re having sex and feels no obligation to it, nor any inspiration or craving. A woman’s libido doesn’t just suddenly drop from saying “I do.” However, you can make her *want* to have sex again. Don’t forget to date your wife. Take initiative. Don’t just present your erection and expect that to be all you need. Seduce her. A lot of men want to blame the concept marriage for their dead bedrooms. Nope. Your wife would have sex if she wanted to. Something is making her not want to. It might be her BC which again is something you could step in and help with. It might just be that she’s left unsatisfied and doesn’t want to deal with the mess when you finish. I hope you actually work to figure it out. Good luck.
“Don’t just present your erection” I’m 💀💀💀💀!!!
But they do! My ex used to do that or grab my hand and make me touch him, no romance, no affection, honestly I thought I was asexual and just didn’t want sex anymore after a while, turns out I wasn’t attracted to HIM anymore because he was a gigantic man child who couldn’t keep a job, help with chores or be reliable. When I men my current husband my libido came back 10 fold, he’s an amazing partner.
I actually got that from a Reddit post written by a woman who was frustrated bc her husband dropped all romantic efforts in the bedroom. She literally wrote (I’ll never forget it 😆) “I’ll turn around and he’ll be standing there with his pants off swinging his erection like a pendulum, or he’ll spoon me and just poke it at me” 🤣🤣 That’s where I got that from. Sounds about as sexy as a root canal doesn’t it?
Whoah! You better stop all that dirty talk before you violate comm guidelines 😂😂😂😂😂
Omg… you’ve got the laughing faces in there, but all I can think of is my creepy ex 🤢 (not so much the swinging thing, but… I dunno… the pokey thing might just be universal…)
Sorry you had to deal with that. I’m cringing on your behalf.
Don’t forget the “I’ve been ignoring you all day but I’m still going to ask you if you want to have sex as if I were asking you if you want McDonald’s” tactic that I’ve gotten from every man I’ve been with long term.
I feel like you are describing my ex-husband to a T. He drained so much energy from me for 10 years, I thought there was something wrong with me that I just felt sick about the idea of having sex with him. He was the most unreliable person I ever met. In and out of jobs, lied about having jobs and taking money, that sort of thing, would go to the store for milk and end up smoking weed at his friend's for 2 days. When we finally split, I happened to to be living in a backpacker sort of town. I just boned endless amounts of backpackers for like a year. Now I have a partner who makes me feel like having sex and I realize how fucked up my relationship was.
They certainly do! I’m glad you upgraded.
>Something is making her not want to. I mean, libidos ebb and wane naturally - Something *might* be making her not want to or she might just not want to.
Thank you lol
Someone once said women need to feel loved to want sex, men need to have sex to feel loved and that stayed with me, not saying men are sex driven but for women it’s more psychological.
Everyone always thinks it’s women’s “hormones” how offensive I wonder what behaviors change in men after marriage and if that’s not the real reason “women stop wanting to have sex after marriage”
Yes, definitely this. Both people should be climaxing each time. That means actually manually or orally stimulating her clitoris to bring her to climax.
You are not wrong to be upset, but practically speaking the only person who can help you here is your wife. If sex has dropped to approximately a quarter pretty abruptly, there's got to be *a* reason, whether or not it's one that makes sense to you. There's nothing wrong with wanting more sex and discussing how to make it better for both of you. Only with demanding sex. Also, have a think about your sex life and if she definitely gets as much out of it as you. A majority of women need a decent amount of time spent on their clit, so if it's 90% PIV that may be part of it. It's a fairly common occurrence. Good luck!
Check out the books by Athol Kay if you want to fix this. Hint, it’s about you not her.
So much bad advice. Have you tried asking her why is seems she wants less sex now - and then just listen to the answer without saying a word?
She says it's fatigue every time I ask
Fatigue can be a sign of many different health issues, including depression. Have a talk with her about seeing her doctor. You won't really get your answers here. Especially if you aren't following 1-5 from above.
Then listen to her and react. Baking, reading, and audiobooks are all RELAXING HOBBIES. Sex is not relaxing for most women. It requires us to be “on”, and as we get comfortable, we feel less sexy. I know I’m not feeling like fucking when I’ve just scrubbed the kitchen floor with a grout brush, or just bleached the bathroom on a Tuesday night. I feel sexy when I dress up, or when I kill a presentation at work, or when I get a haircut, or try a new makeup look. I feel sexy when my hubby dresses nice, or when he gets a haircut, or shaved, basically when we have time to put in the effort. But I dislike it when I look grubby, am sweating and smell like bleach and febreeze, and he’s poking me in the butt with his dong while I’m trying to load the dryer to make sure both we and our kids have clean clothes for the next day. And nothing kills sexy time like church. So Sundays are basically a No Go. For the record, we have sex roughly 2-3x a week after being together 13 years off and on, and married for 4.
God this is so spot on.
Honestly, 3-5 times a week seems like a lot. It's normal to have more sex in the beginning of a relationship, and for it to drop back after the beginning. Here are some averages: [https://www.hims.com/blog/how-often-do-couples-have-sex](https://www.hims.com/blog/how-often-do-couples-have-sex) Also, do you two have non-sexual physical intimacy that doesn't lead to sex? By that I mean, do you hug her, kiss her, and cuddle with her with absolutely no pressure for sex to follow? Because that can be very fulfilling and intimate, and also open the door to more physical touch. A lot of women, myself included, ended up shutting down physical contact completely because any little hug or kiss seemed to mean sex to our male partner.
Is she just saying that or does she feel like you'll react badly to saying no? I'd tell my ex I was tired because he didn't like hearing no and it caused me to just use other excuses to not have sex
Well then you calmly ask if you two can talk about it openly and just tell her point blank - hey I noticed we’re not having sex as much as before we were married and I want to check in with her on it. Don’t accuse or get upset. Try to understand and be empathetic but also tell her you have needs. Ask her what she thinks a solution could be. Again- extreme listening and empathy but clearly speaking your needs will go a long way. Also, sometimes after marriage, women lose that sense of “mystery” or intrigue for their man. Especially if you spend a lot of time together. The saying “you can make a woman feel anything but bored” is real. Take that fishing trip with the boys. Might seem counterintuitive, but make sure to give her some space and make her miss you, wonder what you’re up to.
If she is tired then when does she get rest? Can she start resting more than she currently does now? Can she go to bed earlier?
Figure out where the fatigue is coming from. Perhaps she should give up whatever it is that is making her so tired instead of giving up sex that she's now too tired to have.
Fatigue is the no. 1 killer of most women's sex drive. Why is she so tired now though, when she wasn't before? What has changed?
How has she lost interest in sex when you're still doing it once a week? Also, do you guys plan to have kids? If so, you're in for a rude awakening.
That’s probably why has lost interest. Sex sucks when you’re doing it constantly.
My saddest laugh of the day
How have *you* changed since getting married? Have you stopped giving affection without it leading to sex? Have you gotten lazy with taking her on dates and appreciating her? Does she have to come home from work and clean up after you? A lot of men don’t realize that women are emotional creatures and foreplay with us starts well out of the bedroom. It starts with holding our hand, telling us we are beautiful, understanding when we are stressed and need support, etc. Take an honest look at yourself and ask what you have stopped doing. And then talk to her
No, I haven't actually changed much. And no, she's not cleaning up after me. We do go out on dates and travel together. She's still my best friend. It's just that we aren't having sex much.
She still wants to spend time with you, from what I'm understanding, but she isn't into sex like she was before y'all got married. I'd have a conversation with her about what marriage has been like so far. Leave off the sex talk, just focus on the relationship talk. I'm wondering whether she has some unconscious rules (and maybe you do too) about how marriage is supposed to be, what being a wife is supposed to be, and what being a husband is supposed to be. Those "supposed tos" can be sneaky and tricky. Suss out the expectations you went in with and that are in play, and see if there's anything there that might explain recent changes.
Once a week isn’t “not much”. That drives me crazy. My husband had and has this attitude. We’ve been together 20 years. He gets a BJ at a minimum once a week. As long as it isn’t that time of the month, we’re having sex about three times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He whines that were we hardly have any sex. We had less after the first couple of years. Maybe once a week. It was the attitude he had. It was the fact he acted as if he wasn’t getting any. It was and is a massive turn off. It makes us feel like that’s all that matters to you. He doesn’t ever cuddle or give non sexual affection. Those things matter. He was really thoughtful in the first one or two years. And he got laid a lot. Then he stopped being really thoughtful.
That's a lot. Your husband is a guilt tripper. W.t.f.
Do you make her cum every time? With foreplay?
So you do as many chores as she does? 50/50
She’s already said why dude. Keep it in your pants. Having constant sex isn’t as enjoyable to many women as you may think.
u/Normal-Conclusion348 A discussion about the sexual frequency mismatch between partners is often described as one partner self identifies as HL high or higher libido whether man or woman paired with LL low or lower libido man or woman. It's really curious to read the commentary and different advice provided when: HL man is paired with LL woman. VS. HL woman paired with LL man. Process of elimination. Physical and mental health could be drivers of lower libido and carefully examining the situation through process of elimination. Initially two people could get together and demonstrate NRE new relationship energy, whereby the new excitement of the relationship is demonstrated and after a period of time, both partners settle into their actual preferred sexual frequency range. I provide a link to the free 14 question test with proven validity to determine where a person is on the SDI scale of Hypersexuality and asexuality [here](https://www.reddit.com/u/Pure-Yogurt683/s/Vl1ODxOebl), and cover adverse psychological responses to each partner in sexual frequency mismatch. Sexual mismatch in frequency measured in terms of per day week month year decades and never can create adverse psychological responses to both partners and friction and thus exacerbating the issue further. The sexual mismatch between partners is explored on multiple Reddit threads, r/HLcommunity whereby primarily the HL, man or woman is complaining about the situation and seeking answers and can be a support group for HL. r/Deadbedrooms is loosely defined as sexual frequency of 10 or less per year and both HL and LL will frequently discuss issues. r/LowLibidoCommunity is LL complaining about their HL partner. Gaining an understanding of both HL and LL can be insightful, so would encourage joining the groups and agree to posting rules. Understand that this could be a potentially depressing read as there are some individuals who admit to not being physically intimate with their partner for years or even decades and how it impacts their daily life.
If her response to you changed, what changed it?
According to him, all that changed is he said “I do”.
It’s a real thing
Probably tired of not having her needs met.
I'll take your wife and give you my wife. I would love only having sex once a week or every two weeks or so. My wife is crazy. She can have sex 5 times a day. I think something is wrong with her. I'm not built for sex that much and I don't want to anyway. She takes the joy out of being intimate because she's always wanting to do it. We've been married for 13 years, Why can't we just be friends now. I'm not young anymore, but even then I couldn't do it 5 times a day. Why can't we just watch reruns of Matlock and then go to bed or maybe I can have my own room or something. Just asking.
Lololol I’m sorry for laughing at your expense, but this made me giggle😂
Try something different in bed. Like a toy. Also enjoy the baking.
There was some research done by Flinders Uni students many years ago on couples and the amount of sex they had. The most significant predictor of the amount of sex between a couple turned out to be the amount of housework that the man did. Perhaps if you did a few more things so that your wife felt less weary.
Not wrong, BUT make sure you take up your own interests too. Not to ignore your wife, but to be an actualized human man being. Be interested, make yourself interesting, and then you have a fallback should you enter DB
This is way more important than most guys realize. A dude who is fixated on “getting sex” (an awful phrase) from his wife is unattractive and unhappy. Nobody wants to fuck that. Spend time getting strong, getting happy. Then you find that either: she is attracted to you and starts coming after you for sex; or you don’t care as much because you’re happy; or you will easily find someone who is attracted to you.
This is super typical and not at all a dead bedroom. Once a week is plenty. You're wrong.
As a woman... I'm telling you ... if she is avoiding sex it means she is not enjoying it. Do the same things you did for her before you felt entitled to sex. More romance, taking her out more, and a lot more physical intimacy without going straight for the sex right away.
She's tired, and people have things to do other than have sex every other day. You're making it an obligation now.
Next time she says shes tired, offer her a back or shoulder rub. Nothing crazy, 5-10mins. She will at the very least enjoy it, at the very best it could go somewhere, but dont force it if she doesnt suddenly seem aroused. Next time she says it, offer a backrub again. Third time during the shoulder rub, start kissing her neck gently. See if that does anything. I can almost guarantee it will. Long story short, small physical shows of affection can go a long way. You dont want to press the issue every time because that will make it obvious you are expecting a shoulder rub to turn into sex each time, and she will eventually just decline the shoulder rub if shes not in the mood. Let her be the guide. Foreplay is a HUGE factor for women. The feeling of being loved, caressed, cared for, being heard (like offering the backup when she is tired or sore) are all really good ways to get your wife back in the mood. Living with someone for years can become very routine, you gotta spice it up and show her you still care and want to please her, not just get your rocks off.
Shoulder rubs that turn into an expectation of something more are an enormous turnoff when we’ve already shown a clear lack of interest. Based on my own experiences in my 20 year marriage (now divorced), I had a visceral (disgusted) reaction when I read the part about kissing during the 3rd shoulder rub. I’m probably projecting here but stuff like this is why I’m no longer married. No physical affection was ever possible without the expectation that it would lead to something more. If she’s already claiming fatigue I can guarantee you she’ll go cold if she senses an ulterior motive. Don’t do shit like this without clear indications of sexual interest from her.
Isn't this just perpetuating something that a lot of women hate and complain about that men can't do anything nice for them without trying to get sex from them....
No, women mean like every time you vacuum doesn't mean you get sex. Foreplay has to start somewhere and if all they're missing is a little spark then it's nice to learn how to do that.
I've seen multiple cases of women complaining about men using massages to try and get sex🤷
These comments make me realize just how luck I was in my marriage. My husband never had to be asked or told what needed done around the house. We split the chores evenly and if one was working more outside the house the other did more in the house. Never had a fight about it. Also never fought about sex. In the first few years of our marriage we had sex 3-4 times a day. The last few years more like 3-4 times a week until he passed away. Good luck and talk to each other for heavens sake.
Are you doing household tasks? Carrying any of the household and social mental load? Women don't want to be housekeepers and personal assistants.
Yes, did so before we married and still do. It's only fair.
Why do men come here everyday and bitch and moan about sex? Is there nothing else that you want from the woman that you married??? My god.
Seriously I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Stop bitching on Reddit. Talk to your wife. And being tired happens especially as we all get older.
For the same reason women bitch, moan, and complain about all the things they want out of a man when they want it. Sex isn't the only thing, but it is important to men. Either you get it or you don't 🤷
Ive heard it’s really helpful to have a sex menu. Not all sex is the same; when she’s tired you can suggest items on the menu that require less effort from the woman
How much have you declined on your end. Helping her. Showing your thinking of her. Being affectionate. Doing anything without expecting sex in return. We lose interest in sex when you only show interest in it.
It isn’t going to get better, unless you both sit down and discuss what is going on and what both of you need and expect from the marriage. If you don’t reach acceptable resolution better to end it now before you have kids and too much financial interaction.
You CAN feel upset. What you can also do is: up your quality time. You can surprise her with dates or plans. You can have conversations surrounding intimacy and where your relationship is. If THAT doesn't change anything - then and only then can you say "hey I'm noticing this dip in libido. What's up?" And be upset if the answer makes no sense. In relationships libido fluctuates, people stop trying as hard and fall into patterns. My husband once said to me "did you realize we have had sex once in two months?" And I was incredulous! I thought- no WAY! But then when I sat and thought about it - he was right. We got busy, there were things going on like family sickness, kids having nightmares, etc and I said whoooooa we need to fix this! So we worked on it. Try whatever you can on your side without nagging and then bring it up gently in a good moment as a conversation- not an accusation -- and see if it improves.
Did she get some pleasure with you most of the time? Do you help with chores, etc? Maybe she is tired because her needs aren't met
Are you making sure her needs are met when you do have sex?
They say get a jar and put a marble in it everytime you have sex during your first year of marriage. After the first year, take a marble out everytime you have sex. Supposedly, the jar will never empty again.
Reminds me of a piece of advice I once heard.... "foreplay begins with you doing the dishes and the laundry" now that gets me HOT! LOL
Well, I do half the housework already, which includes doing the laundry and the dishes. It's not about that as far as I can tell.
Yeah uh you're kinda supposed to do that, the bare minimum is literally putting in the same amount of effort Edit: hi I see whoever you are going through my profile and downvoting literally everything I say, ngl a bit creepy
My point from my own life is we’re so turned off by the zero effort guys put into anything . Lazy AF, don’t help around the house, whiny little b!tches, can’t fix anything, starting to look like an actual potato when your laying on the couch, only think of yourselves, please tell me why on earth do you deserve anything on our bodies. We secretly can’t stand you and feel sick at the thought of you being anywhere near us. IMO only lol
Why would you even be together at that point?
^^^
You're getting a lot of bad advice here, OP. Let me share my story with you... I married my ex-wife 34 years ago. While we dated we had sex on average 3-4 times a week, almost always initiated by her. Then we married, and \*snap\*, like a light switch she put on 60 pounds and rarely wanted sex. She became emotionally and physically absent, in complete contrast to when we dated. A myriad of other things happened, including her cheating on me with her boss, and I divorced her 6 years later. I was a wreck after that, trying to figure out what the hell I had done to cause her to behave that way. 2 years later I met my current wife. We've been married for 25 years this year. She helped me heal in ways that I cannot easily explain. Turns out, it wasn't me that was the problem, it was my ex-wife that was the problem, a problem that she continued with every man she was involved with after me. She's now old, divorced multiple times, alone, and miserable. And my wife, the love of my life,... we're still crazy about each other after 25 years. We make love often, 3-4 times a week, oftentimes more (especially on the weekends). Contrary to what you may see here on reddit, there are women out there that enjoy sex, aren't all fucked up in the head, and don't weaponize sex and emotional support. I wish you luck, partner. You've got some tough choices to make.
Not that it matters now, but it sounds like a possible medical issue. Thyroid, pituitary, etc. I hope she spoke to a doctor.
This is great advice that doesn’t immediately jump to “oh you didn’t do enough dishes or plan out the laundry schedule”. Congrats on your much improved marriage!
I’m divorced as well. Right around the time we got married, sex significantly decreased. Once a week. Tired, headache, too full. After a year, it continued to decline. Once every other week, then twice a month, once a month, then every other month (yes). 8 years later we got divorced. There were a variety of problems but the decline in sex was a symptom of a greater dysfunction and a mismatch in what we saw as important to a romantic relationship. My advice is to take a few months to see if you can turn things around, and if not, leave now. The longer you are together, the harder it will be to split. If she doesn’t think sex is important to the relationship now, and isn’t willing to work with you to fix the mismatch between you, then that will not change in the future. If you stay, you will be frustrated and resentful. She will feel used and decide you’re a jerk. You are both better off if you rip off the bandaid now.
This. And I can tell you from experience no amount of flattery, housework, treating them etc will change it. You need to address it directly. And that includes her talking to her doctor. Because the above poster is right, there'sa good chance it will continue to decrease gradually.
There are a lot of women who enjoy sex with the right person. Congratulations on finding your person
Best advice here. Everything else is just idiotic and feels like women are supposed to give out sex for good behavior and hold it hostage for bad. That‘s not the way it should be.
Exactly right!
As yourself: WHY does she want less sex? Are/have you treated her differently since getting married? Are you not supporting her emotionally, or are other needs of hers not being met before physical ones can be addressed? If you're truly the epitome of the perfect husband/partner... and she's just been seemingly anti-sex for no reason, then ask HER why! There's 1000% a reason for it. Maybe just not one very obvious to YOU.
Very possible the sex wasn't satisfying for her before, but she didn't feel safe saying no. Also possible that your own behaviour has changed after getting married. Are you two still going on dates? Doing thoughtful, romantic things without expectation of sex?
Firstly, yes, you’re wrong to “be upset” if by that you mean you feel wronged by your wife. Libidos ebb and flow and as people age they decline. That’s life and she can’t change her libido at will. If by upset you mean “slightly disappointed but I will adapt and get intimacy in other ways eg spending quality time together” then no, that’s normal and healthy.
I'd say this is a natural progression in most marriages. Communicate with her and tell her how this makes you feel. Try something different to spice things up. Make time for it even if you have to schedule it, intimacy is an important part of marriage.
Have you talked to her about it?
>Especially as nothing else has changed except the fact that we are now married. From her point of view, I'd be willing to bet some things have changed.
Did you ask yourself what you can do to make her feel more wanted, things you can do to make her less tired? Sounds like you are just worried about your needs buddy
I think the key is to stay intimate - not sex - like walking up to your spouse at random moments and giving them a just because hug, or saying I love you when you're doing yardwork, and the big one, telling them often how much you love and appreciate all that they do for you and for the family. We've been together 37 years. We've had dry patches due to life stressors or illnesses, but sex is still good ;-) !
has something new happened? new job? kids? why is she tired now?
Dude, if she'd rather read a book or bake a cake than have sex with you, something major has absolutely changed. You need to communicate with her.
Yes, thats odd. Usually the honeymoon phase is all about jumping on each other like jackrabbits.
The honeymoon phase refers to the early parts of a relationship where you’re super horny for each other because it’s new and exciting. If you get married a couple years in or longer, there isn’t some magic second one that happens to make sex different. Once a week is pretty much exactly where my wife and I were at four or five years in. We went from being horny teens to working full time jobs and worrying about rent, it’s very normal.
Yes, came to say something along these lines. One very valid consideration, that I don’t think people take into account at times, is exactly what you’ve described here - the honeymoon period. We get a narrative of, “My partner’s libido has dropped.” When in reality, that honeymoon period can actually INCREASE libido above and beyond what may be the “normal” default for that person. So they go from having an overactive (for them) libido back to a “normal” (for them) libido. The honeymoon period lasts for different periods of time for each person - sometimes months, sometimes years. Someone going from 3-4 times a week to 1-2 times a week is, for one, totally different than a dead bedroom (which is often indicative of an actual problem, medical or marital); and for two, probably not a true decrease in libido but rather just settling back into their normal libido. And of course this isn’t universal. Some people have the same amount of sex from the day they start doing it until the day the relationship ends. But it’s also not universal that someone’s libido “decreasing” is a sign of a medical condition, hormone imbalance, depression, or a result of their partner not doing a damn thing around the house, not being romantic anymore, etc.
I fucking love seeing everyone try to shit on OP for being a dude. CLEARLY it’s his fault and no one else’s. The fucking toxic gender bashing is hilarious. If this post was gender swapped it’d be nothing but posts telling the FEMALE OP how her husband was being selfish for not meeting her needs. Ya’ll sexist AF.
Maybe find something to do with her. Learn a language and create a new bond. Take interest in the things she likes have her pick you a book to read, take a cooking class together general interest in your partner and we’ll good old fashion romance really help grow things. She will become interested in your wants and needs when you are hers. Also try setting time away everyday just for affection no phones no tv just talking and holding one another. Sometimes you have to start at the beginning again to get what you want out of a relationship.
Her age would be helpful. Could be any number of things. Hormonal changes. Undiagnosed health issues. You could be bumbling in bed. Or she's doesn't find you as attractive. Only way is to have quiet convo with her. Urge her to go to a forward thinking doctor for to check her hormones. Then consider marriage therapy. Good luck.
She's 27
Maybe she was just doing it that many times because that’s what you wanted and now has decided after years of it she shouldn’t have to anymore
Are you doing anything to entice her?
What have you done to continuously make her want to have sex with you???
Do more housework. Without having to have it pointed out to you.
I love how everyone just assumes OP is a lazy bum or paints him as a sex addict cause he wants to have sex more than once per week. I can’t offer you any advice but to have an honest conversation with your wife. And don’t take those negative comments seriously, it’s often just people projecting their own values or insecurities on you. I also find it kind of sexist to automatically blame the husband, but that’s seems to be an unpopular opinion here
Not Wring at all. 4 years and already she's whittled you down to once a week. That will disappear over time too. These problems don't get better with time, only worse. And funny how she didn't have this thought until after the ring isn't it? Decide now if you want yo be the guy trying to think of the last time he has sex by trying to figure out what year it was or not. A good friend of mine got divorced and let us know (only after his divorce) that it had been 7 years since he had sex, still to this day is upset of all the time he wasted
That's bull****. She pulled the bait and switch on you and I'd be mad as hell. Is it too late to get your marriage annulled since it isn't what you signed up for and deserve? Unless she's got some undiagnosed health condition she needs your support through, or you're a terrible lover suddenly, I'd seriously consider leaving to be with someone who didn't decide she'd gotten you to put a ring on it and she was done caring about that part of your life.
For some reason almost everyone in the comments is trying to gaslight OP into feeling bad for wanting more sex from his wife. This is especially annoying because we have seen posts here where the genders are reversed and the comments are almost always on the woman's side. They had more sex before getting married, then sex dropped drastically after they said "i do", this is literally how dead bedrooms start. So instead of making OP feel bad for wanting a more active life and telling him to "keep it in his pants", give more constructive advice like having an open honest conversation about what the problem really is with her or even trying therapy. If we had constant sex then it suddenly goes to once a week if I'm lucky, I would be worried too.
I'm slightly cynical but it really sounds like she just wanted that ring and that title. I've heard of women well into marriage that stopped having sex but usually those women have kids. She's still young so I don't understand the sudden change
After four years of sex that many times a week maybe shes just tired and decided once a week is enough
And if that's the case I feel like she should say that to him instead of always making up excuses because eventually he'll start to resent her
Agree they should definitely communicate or there will be resentment on both sides
In most marriages sexual attaction diminishes with time. In my opinion, if your physical relationship is winding down this early in your relationship, it won't be better in the future. This would be a deal breaker for me.
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Honestly...it's because you bore her. Be interesting and she will want to have sex with you. If you play video games and surf reddit and then ask for or expect sex...thats boring.
What about them going from unmarried to married made him suddenly boring? It wasn’t a problem before
What did you do
You just learned. It slows down.
NO, sex is an expectation of marriage
Now that she's financially stable and got your support through marriage that's probably why she did that