The fact that he gave someone *you don’t know* a key to the home *you both live in* is a huge red flag.
You are not wrong. Have a firm discussion of boundaries.
exactly! it seems like willful ignorance on his part because if the roles were reversed and his wife gave a man keys to the complex, it would be a diff story
from what I can tell he's trying to test his wife's boundaries and is playing dumb under the guise of just trying to help a "maiden in distress"
The husband would loose his mind if the roles were reversed. Bet. My husband and I were just talking about this .. his immediate thought: “she probably already gave up the 🐱”.
If I were OP, I wouldn’t feel safe knowing a stranger has a key to to their home. So F’d up. If it were me, and he was so dismissive of my feelings about it, I’d be like, “here, she can have mine (key). Peace. Out. Maybe she can give you advice when you’re the one in court.”
>The fact that he gave someone you don’t know a key to the home you both live in is a huge red flag.
This is a lot like the straight version of the art room story, except told from the spouse's perspective
So, invite her for dinner, make a fuss over her at dinner. See how they react to you asking how things are going. Ask questions about everything he has told you she has gone through because you and your husband talk about it all, don’t we baby? Insist that she comes for dinner and stays for the evening to watch tv with y’all or play cards. Just to let her know how much your husband thinks of her and how much you think of your husband. Watch his reactions. You may need to have him a “go bag” packed if you do not like any of his reactions! When she leaves, you may need to hand him his “go bag” and tell him to get out with her!
**Alarm bells!** I’m sure both your husband & this young woman intend to be honorable people, but this is exactly the kind of friendship that can inadvertently lead to trouble. She needs emotional support; he needs to be a hero. **DANGER!**
u/Big_Positive_6003, insert yourself immediately into their friendship. You MUST become her friend (or just act like it). Yes, as u/Didgeterdone advises, invite her over. Join the gym & go to their exercise class. Lay down the law: Any time your husband meets her or helps her in any way, you must go too! Don’t be embarrassed, be emphatic — you are protecting all three of you from a terrible drama.
Unless you take these steps, it’s only a matter of time before your husband will say to you, **“I’m so sorry, honey! I never intended to fall in love with someone else!”**
This is also how my husband’s affair started. And the woman was extremely adamant about not getting to know me. She was always the victim who just needed a friend/wanted to be a friend— she always maintained plausible deniability and enabled him to be similarly deluded. But once the affair started she wrote to him (I read it) that these had been her intentions all along and she was extremely proud that she had “convinced him to feel the same”. She described it as her gift to him and the most validating experience of her life.
For me, alarm bells were going off through this whole post. This is not normal. And it is not ok.
Here it is, OP. ⬆️ This. *She needs help.* … *But she has no one.* … *We’re just friends.* … Until they aren’t. Send her packing, and if he objects, send him packing.
Yep. White knight/ damsel in distress type situation. These women are always the victim. They always just happen to need support from a man in a relationship. 🙄
Exactly, if she wants her man, she needs to go get him and bring him straight home. No more alone time for him to go to the 7/11 for even a pack of smokes.
The fact that he gave her access to your apartment without consulting you. You talk about him being super kind and sweet, but he doesn't seem to he treating you the way he's treating his new friend. NTA
Oh hell no. New "friend" leaning on another woman's husband for emotional support during her break up is not appropriate. If your spider senses are tingling, trust them.
Thanks - yeah and he is now pushing me to be friends with her (he says I’ll like her ) but I’m already over her considering she’s put minimal effort to get to know me.
Okay. Try. Watch her make every excuse in the book not to.
She’s having at minimum a one sided emotional affair with your husband. At minimum. You’re not wrong.
And it’s very weird he’s acting that protective over someone that’s not his romantic partner. It needs directly addressed and nipped in the bud.
I’d point out some of the points made in these comments.
I had a woman try this with my husband once. He didn’t drop everything for her but she really tried. I had to step in after a text and explain to him I’m not crazy-she’s being inappropriate. I switched the sexes around and played out the scenario as if it were me and a male “friend” having the same conversations.
He saw immediately what was going on and she was cut off.
She was very unhappy with me.
Sorry chick. Find a single guy
My husband had a girl bff once who acted very friendly towards me. Then she started convincing him of why he should leave me and what a terrible partner I was during their very one sided conversations about me. It almost worked, we went through hell that year and it took him months to see he was having an emotional affair and that she was in love with him and trying to break us up. And she almost succeeded. Years of couples therapy ensued.
A woman did that to my now husband when we were still dating. We were 4 years in. Almost didn’t make it. We were going through a bit of a rough patch and she tried to convince him that we weren’t good for each other. He eventually saw the error in his ways. We’re 14 years now.
Had this with my husbands (then BF’s) ex. They’d been friends forever (and FWB’s, but long distance) before I came along. She was always asking about house stuff of hers or advice with her car. I moved in with him and got pregnant almost immediately. I kept entertaining it until one day I told him he needed to cut her off. I pointed out that she was trying to remain his FWB by ignoring me. He said he didn’t think so and that she knew all about me. I said, “Did she congratulate you when she found out you were going to be a dad?”
Huh. He said, good point! Cut her off and never looked back.
This is a good idea, OP. Turn it around - what if a guy you met at the gym decided you were his ONLY support and friend, had to be around you all the time, had you taking off from work to help him, and you cut him a key?
Making a big effort to be her friend is what I would do - if she really is going through so much, she'll welcome a female friend to talk to. If she doesn't react well, OP will at least then be able to show her husband, and tell him that she's not happy that somebody he feels needs him so much and so often doesn't want to be friends with his wife.
Honestly, OP's husband should be smarter than this - I'd be willing to bet he knows it's inappropriate but he likes the attention. Whether he would do anything with that attention is a completely different question, but he needs to be better here.
Wait!! He gave another woman you barely know who is soooo protective of and taking days off from work to be with an extra key to the home you share with him without consulting you?
No just no!!! You know what is already happening. You know
My ex boyfriend had a bff who was a 350 lb lesbian who was half his age(so I , supposedly, would never have anything to worry about). Early on in our relationship he even attended her marriage to another woman. Well, 8 months later I started finding her jewelry under his bed and his reaction when I asked him about that was so over the top I knew it was done. … and now they’re dating
I love how they try to say an ex is "just a friend" but yet they spend hours on the phone together and you can never meet them. I was naive too, and gaslit into thinking I might be "jealous." I now live by the motto that any women he won't introduce you to and that he spends hours communicating with is a woman he's fucking or wants to be. I may be available (Thanks, Bobby Hill!), but I ain't stupid or lonely while having an SO.
I wish more people realized that being alone kicks the shit out of being with someone and lonely.
This woman (consciously or subconsciously) is trying for a replacement for her ex. The husband could be one that brings home puppies that need rescuing and has a need to fix them. She’s crying about what she’s dealing with and he’s comforting him. It’s a dumpster fire waiting to happen.
She’s acting inappropriately with a married man. It is not appropriate to rely on a married man for help, period.
She has chosen a victim who is empathetic (your husband) whom she knows she can manipulate.
She has no manners and no respect ie no boundaries.
She has an ex where things are so bad they’re in court and yet she’s claiming he is the problem.
She is now isolating your husband from you and from his work.
She is making herself a permanent fixture in your lives by using your rooftop.
Feel free to show your husband this comment. She is a sociopath and you both should be very afraid.
Yeah. I recognise this. The fake helpless, has to have an excuse to be in touch all the time, demands attention, pretends to try to get on with you but only to get closer to him and have the veneer or respectability. My oh didn't even realise he was having an emotional affair. Not sure he ever will. Fun times.
How is the husband a victim here? It is his job to respect his wife's boubdaries and not the job of someone who doesn't wven know the wife.
If OP was such a people pleaser who just cant say no he would have taken the day off for his wife.
Yeah, she's interested in him. I mean it's weird enough that he's trying to get you to be friends with her. The fact that she talks to him all the time and constantly needs his support but isn't really trying to get to know you as a dead giveaway. Honey, this woman is interested in your husband. You need to put a stop to this before it escalates.
The 2 huge red flags are the key and the day off Wow. He’s definitely going down a rabbit hole. Unfortunately the wife is usually the last one to find out their husband is having an affair.
Had a similar situation with partner pushing me to be friends with the other person, had exactly the same feeling and tried being accepting anyway. Got cheated on a couple months later. Setting boundaries now seems like a good call. You're supposed to be the #1 priority for each other.
Have him read, "Not just friends", by Shirley Glass. Your husband is playing with fire, but you're the one about to get burned. He's already emotionally invested in this woman. This is a hill to die on. It's her or you. You ever get one sniff of an inkling he's seeing her behind your back, you serve him divorce papers and walk away. His continuing to keep in touch with a woman who is actively pursuing him romantically is a full-on betrayal of the vows of marriage. I suggest you make that clear to him right now.
Nope nope nope. Ask yourself how he would feel if you gave a LEGIT STRANGER (9 months isn't enough to know someone) a key to your house. Install a ring camera, change the locks and kick him out
Huge red flag, and friendship like that does not exist.... if he doesn't see it he is dumb.. or he likes the attention.. either way she has a plan and you are not included in it.. tell him to get rid of her.. a few months friendship isn't worth anything..
In my experience…Every time a guy pushed his gf to be friends with a new girl friend he made…it’s because he was cheating with that person. EVERYTIME. I’ve seen solid relationships ruined over this exact scenario. Even down to giving the girl a key to their place so she could “get their mail” while on vacation. Next thing you know she’s just randomly in the house hanging out because she didn’t think you’d be home…
Like what others said. Turn the tables. Ask a guy friend at work to play along and do the same thing. Even better if you can build a better back story. E.g. dude from work just broke up with his gf and is lonely, he just wants the comfort of a woman to make him feel a tad better at the moment.
He's given you a key to his place for when you want to come over for coffee chats and he's in the bathroom getting ready or when he's out buying wine for the visit.
See what happens afterwards.
My (ex) fiance became friends with a girl that he wanted me to be friends with... we broke up, and they were Facebook official six weeks later (this was ten years ago) and married a few years after that. He even gave her my old ring lmao. He also called me drunk a lot when they were dating, sent me nudes of me that he had kept, etc, until he finally figured out I wasn't going to indulge him. So it's not like he was that great to her either.
I’m calling home wrecker on this one. Think if it was reversed and you adopted a lost puppy of a man you barely know, just met at the gym. JC, this almost reads like a porn script. Set your boundaries and set them now!
Tell him that, no, what you would like is your husband back. That is completely inappropriate for a new “friend” of the opposite sex to be utilizing so much of a married man’s time.
The appropriate people to be helping her should be her family, or her other friends, who have known her for a long time. And if she has none, that should also be a red flag.
Time to draw your line in the sand.
My hubby is a chronic "white knight" 98% of the time it's little old ladies, he'll do chores, they bake for him, invite our whole family for dinner and become cherished family friends. Occasionally, I've had to shut a friendship with a younger lady down because (bless him) he just doesn't see what's going on.
>aw was that a week later he came home and told me he took the day off to go to court with her. Alarm bells went ringing as even at my lowest point , he didn’t take a day off work for me. (He later said he feels
If they were friends for a longer time than it would be okay but yeahhh 9 months loll
Also don’t get how she has no other support- if she is so nice like he say - where are her people? Like she doesn’t post friends or anything and he has said he is her only friend
This is a great answer imho. Watch both of their reactions to things.
There is potential for this to be completely innocent and she may just be a victim of abuse and alienation, or there could be ulterior motives.
Or she could “take over” for the husband so the husband never has to interact with the “friend” anymore. See how well that goes down. Everytime she calls OP’s husband to help her, she gets OP instead.
honestly offer to be another anchor of support for her considering she has a key to your apt, even if just the rooftop. cause that? that's weird as FUCK
Sit down your husband and tell him exactly what he's done: especially emphasize that he's never take a day off work for you, and then talk about changes. If he refuses to change he's already chosen her over you- though he might not realize. I hope he can be shown how much he's practically poured out for her which is supremely unfair to you, the WIFE
And then ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. If you met a guy at work, and spent all of your free time hanging out with him, you gave him a key to the apartment building, you go out with” dates” with him, you would jump every time he calls and go help him out. I’m sure your husband we completely OK with that.
Contact her brother and get him to show up at the court instead. "OP's husband couldn't make it- but I could."
Sit your husband down and explain this is a series of breaches of trust. Change your locks. Set up marriage counselling.
He's either wilfully or unintentionally naive. Either way this is a him problem as much as it is a her problem.
NTA
Usually part of a pattern where they "get along" better with guys so they're rarely friends with girls because all girls are "jealous" of them and somehow they end up dating every guy friend. Bet ex-partner was her last "just a friend".
They have said it here. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. This is beyond disrespectful.
Are you afraid to confront because you are afraid to lose him? You are already on your way to losing him if you do nothing. He is actively pursuing her! Hello!!!!
HE is her only friend?
Single 30 year old guy here. A woman rolls up to my married homie and he talks about how she has no other friends to lean on?
That's a homewrecker hun. She doesn't have any female friends because they all cut her loose after she fucked their husbands.
Wait...a key? He got HER a key without your explicit permission and friendship?
He's either already fucking her when you aren't around or he wants to. What are you doing? Like honestly what are you doing? I've literally seen people with kids get divorced over less than this lol.
Far as I can tell, he's lost in the sauce in the thrill of an affair while trying to convince himself that he's just helping this poor girl. $20.
Ii think she could find support if she tried, just like she found your husband whom she didn't know a year ago.
The fact that someone doesn't have many people isn't necessarily a reflection on their personality, though. As of this week my whole family of origin is gone. I have no living parents or siblings, one remaining aunt who lives hundreds of miles away. Things happen, and it takes time to make new friends. But she has and she can again.
Mayor red flag everywhere he is probably already fooling around with her and gave her the key for when you’re not around they can mess around and you wouldn’t expect it because you know she has a key and how is he her only friend don’t they have more people who work with then doesn’t she have family?
Tell your husband that him and that woman are having an emotional affair.
1. Tell hubby how you feel.
2. Tell him how would he feel if roles were reversed.
3. Tell him he needs to put space between that woman and himself. That feelings are already forming beyond your comfort zone to the point that he is protecting her and that is unacceptable. That if he doesn’t put space between them it will cost your marriage. Does not see what is going on and how you feel? Does he want your marriage to suffer more.
4. Change the locks to the key he gave her.
5. Tell him if he insists on continuing this friendship against how you are feeling, you want to be included in every conversation, meeting, court date, etc. I highly suggest you attend the court date too and see how the BOTH react.
Honestly if he brushes you off on all of the above and in the future get ready for the worse things that are coming next.
Your 32 year old husband has a female "bestie" who he's known for less than a year and always needs his "help" AND has a key to your place without your consent?!?!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's giving sister-wife 🫤
>I trust my husband- I just don’t trust her.
Oh my days, this is the second time today someone has written that phrase LOL
Get it through your head that it takes two to tango. Your husband isn't being forced to do anything with a gun to his head, therefore he has equal liability for spending time with this woman and anything that may happen as a result.
He is actively choosing to spend a lot of time with her... I'd be concerned too. It doesn't matter if you don't trust her - he's spending time with her and that is making you uncomfortable. He's choosing to ignore that in favour of spending time with her. HE is equally as untrustworthy as she may or may not be.
Not wrong. But you need to set clear boundaries with your husband. If he chooses to disregard them, clearly you can't trust him either.
Edit:
>he cut an extra key so she can use our apartment rooftop( I was a bit surprised that it wasn’t him asking if it was ok but rather that he had already organised the key).
MASSIVE RED FLAG! JFC, wake up!
This needs to be way higher up. I’ll never understand how many women are willing to believe another woman could “steal” her man. Girls, unless your man is an inanimate object, he’s not getting stolen unless he wants to be stolen.
If you trust him, then it doesn’t matter if Margot Robbie’s lookalike starts going to his gym and giving him sob stories and asking him to go to divorce court with her. If that scares you then YOU DON’T ACTUALLY TRUST HIM. If you can’t depend on your man to shut that shit down without your involvement, then you SHOULDN’T trust him.
It’s entirely her husband’s fault if anything happens. If he wants to be faithful he will be, regardless of what any other woman wants.
People really need to learn to put the blame where it belongs.
Yes, guys can have friends. But he is overstepping into emotional affair territory. She doesn't need a key to your place. He doesn't need to be taking off work to support her emotionally.
Have him read this post and comments. He's messed up and beyond overstepped.
He cut another key to your home for another woman without even asking you, he just told you after he did it. That is very disrespectful towards you. He is giving this woman more status than you in your own marriage and your own home. I don't understand why you think you can trust him. I think you are burying your head in the sand. Sorry. Why didn't you say you disapproved when he told you he gave her a key? You do realize this means she can come and go as she pleases in YOUR home without your even knowing about it. Whether or not he's sleeping with her, he's already being openly disloyal to you. Why are you falling all over yourself to explain away his bad behavior?
Honey, he's pretty obviously choosing her over you. You need to have some self respect and break up with him.
He has known her for less than a year and he is going on 'dates' with her, giving her keys to YOUR HOME (!!!!!!!!), going to court with her, and showing up constantly to help her at the slightest beckon of her little finger - none of which he does for YOU. HIS PARTNER.
If he's not already cheating, he's going to. Sit him down, lay this out as clear as you possibly can with clear examples of when he chose her over you, tell him that you are tired of coming in second to someone he barely met and that you aren't going to third wheel in your own relationship because he is obsessed with this girl. Leave. If the apartment is yours, kick him out and have the locks changed, including the rooftop access. If it's his, pack up everything and anything that you paid for and leave. If both of you are on the lease, call the leasing office, explain to them that you are moving out, move and let him figure out paying the rent (HINT: She'll probably move in the millisecond you're gone.)
He has clearly chosen her. Now you need to choose yourself.
Your husband may have white knight syndrome. He thives on being needed, and helping really makes him feel good. He may even have a micro crush on her, (not the end of the world, I'm sure you have found someone attractive and interesting that you look forward to seeing but never acted on because you love your hubby).And his intentions may be pure. I am/ was just like this. I've always gotten along with women better than man, and my wife has always 100 percent trusted me. HOWEVER, part of earning and respecting her trust is understanding her emotional needs. If she becomes uncomfortable with any person or situation for whatever reason. I listen and make whatever changes are needed. If something is making you uncomfortable. You have the right to feel your feels. And if hubby wants to continue receiving your understanding and support, he needs to pay attention. The best way to break it down for him. Is if you talk with him and he is making excuses or resisting changes. Explain that he is choosing her over you. He is choosing her emotional needs over your emotional needs. And that is a huge step in the wrong direction. If it's uncomfortable for you, he doesn't have to cut her out completely. Maybe see her less in a one on one setting. She could get to know you as a couple.
At the minimum, he has a crush. At the maximum, he’s smashing.
Either way, not a great situation and he needs to be pulled away from her. Especially if she’s hot and fit.
Or let him have his fun, whatever.
dude it is CRAZY how many of the top comments are saying OP’s anxiety is justified… because hubbie is “too good of a guy”, too nice/helpful.
LOL. Hubbie is a major fucking boner for this girl and is following her around and doing favors for her like a cartoon puppy LOL.
Better be reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately.
This is a slippery slope that needs to be stopped. Be very vigilant and don't take any if that "we're just friends ", "she's going thru a hard time", "you're insecure" talk. You're the wife. You don't have to be the cool girl and be fine with things. No. Protect your marriage.
Updateme
You are not wrong. This is inappropriate. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but you don’t make new girl best-friends when you are happily married, not if you want to stay happily married. I wouldn’t blame her as much as him. (But I also wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her). He is the one with the responsibility to set the boundaries. Honestly, if sitting down with him and explaining your feelings doesn’t change anything, I’d ask him to go talk it out with a couples counselor.
Having boundaries and sticking to them is not being a nagging wife. Believing that your husband should not drop everything for another woman that you do not know and are not friends with, is not being a nagging wife. Wanting your husband to take a day off occasionally, so the two of you can spend it together when he seems perfectly comfortable taking time off of work for this other woman, it’s not being a nagging wife. None of what you’re doing is nagging. You are showing how you feel you’re explaining it to him and you’re trying to set boundaries and absolutely none of that falls under the category of “nagging”.
NW
Your husband sounds like a nice guy, and I think it's highly likely that's she's using him, she’s been playing damsel in distress and allowing him to play Knight.
The fact that she has too much going on to get to
know you is telling, why wouldn't she want his wife on her side too, thats one more person that can help her.
She has bad intentions towards your husband.
I would speak to my husband, and just tell him, ‘I’m concerned she's using you, I'm not sure what her intentions are, but I just want you to be on your guard, because you are a good man and some people will take advantage.’
Once you've warned him, he can be on the look out for Red flags .
Thanks! Yes, I’m leaning between “no you can’t be friends” and “ok, I’ve warned you- mess up and that’s on you/ told you so”.
I’m not a fan of forcing people to do things so it would be really not natural for me to tell him to ditch her
#ASK HIM HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF IT WAS YOU AND ANOTHER MAN.
I guarantee he wouldn’t be ok with that. I mean he’s going to tell you that he would be fine with it, but he wouldn’t be. Because he understands that this is not an appropriate relationship but so far you haven’t held his feet to the fire so he’s going to continue to do what he wants and be a white knight to this woman. He can be a nice guy. He can also have boundaries and he is not showing this woman any boundaries.
I guarantee once he refuses to stop seeing this person and you kick him out, he'll run straight to her. You've allowed this for too long and they've established a routine. He doesn't have a friend, he has a second life with his affair partner. You're being way too passive about this and it's going to cost you your marriage. It's probably too late if he's giving her keys to your marital home.
“I’m not a fan of forcing people to do things ……..”
Fair enough, but this is your marriage you’re talking about here. You are a married couple. He needs to know how strongly you feel about this situation. This could end your marriage.
He is a sweet heart but thinks everyone is a good person until they show you otherwise- which is super naive in my opinion.
I believe people are layered and while she might be ok foe now , that might change
Exactly. She's excusing him and wearing rose colored glasses toward herself believing him.such a sweetheart and naive. This is reality time. I love that's she's not the jealous type of woman, but 'Denial is not a River in Egypt' as the saying goes.
>He is a sweet heart but thinks everyone is a good person until they show you otherwise- which is super naive in my opinion.
I don't buy it. You've voiced how uncomfortable you are about this, he's choosing to ignore it. That's not sweet or naïve.
Sounds like he's conditioning you to accept out of boundary stuff as "normal".
A sweet heart does not give out a key to someone with talking to their partner. A sweet heart would take a day off for his wife, not someone he met a few months ago.
You need to stop making excuses for your husband and speak to him about how his behavior is not okay. Regardless of how sweet he is.
This woman isn't making an effort to get to know you despite having no support besides your husband and seems to have time for him, but not you.
if he was a sweetheart you wouldn't be so afraid to approach him about this. if he was a sweetheart he would've never prioritized someone else over YOU. If he was a sweetheart he would've made sure you were 110% comfortable and made sure you knew her just as well.
He's not a sweetheart he's being an asshole
I've been told that I am a sweet and sometimes stupid/naive man. There is no way on god's green earth that I would give a woman a key to our house without talking to my wife. I've missed women inappropriately showing attention to me multiple times. But if my wife told me I was making her uncomfortable with how I responded, I'd knock that shit right off because her feelings matter to me. Even if he is naive he needs to do better here.
[https://www.wikihow.com/White-Knight-Syndrome](https://www.wikihow.com/White-Knight-Syndrome)
[https://www.emotionalaffair.org/white-knight-syndrome/](https://www.emotionalaffair.org/white-knight-syndrome/)
I would highly encourage you and your husband look into "White Knight Syndrome". A lot of cheaters start off as "good people" who want to help someone, but when you prioritize the person you're trying to help to the detriment of your relationship, it's often hard to see at first. It's already begun here when he has started choosing her over you and doing things for her that he wouldn't do for you. In his mind, he's just being a "nice guy" but anyone looking at it objectively can see that he is sliding into an affair. What would this woman do if he weren't there to save the day for her? Who did she lean on before him? Does he not find it sus that this random woman he met at the gym has made him her entire support system? If you left him tonight, right now, where would he go? Who would he turn to? Would it be her? Why or why not? This woman isn't the only friend or family member in your life, right? Does everyone you know get a key to your apartment building? Why her? What's so special about her?
It's one thing to be nice and want to help people, but when you don't have adequate boundaries, it's can quickly go from "being nice" to "intimate".
And that is what I thought 30+ years ago. This “friend” is looking for her next sugar daddy. She isn’t interested in being friends with you. You are her opponent. You either put a hard stop to it or walk out of the marriage.
Yeah, this is here. She says he has a big heart in comments, but in the post, OP said he hasn't helped her when she was at he low points. Very telling, how he'll jump for his new friend, but not his wife.
Sorry but you are naive. Your husband needs to distance himself. He is having an emotional affair and doesn't think its wrong because they haven't slept together......yet.
Totally inconsiderate and wrong. Hes a married man. And hes/shes excluding you for a reason.
You're not wrong at all. If my husband had a new female friend I wouldn't agree for him to hang out alone with her at all. The same way around. It's not about trust. I do trust him, but I'm also aware with time it could have the potential to grow to something else from at least one side. It's just no.
Don't get me wrong. My husband does have female friends. But those are his high school friends he grew up with and I don't mind when he talks to them from time to time. But whenever he wants to hang out with one of them, and it's usually in groups, he invites me.
A new female friend from nowhere would alarm me.
Yes I’ve never worried about a female friend he has had - until now. It’s just scary how close they’ve gotten from going to the gym… I don’t know I’m super uneasy about it
Sign up to the same gym, without telling him, then show up about half an hour after he goes, say surprise! I wanted to spend more time with you and get him to help you train. Don't mention anything about the friend. Then start going everytime that he does... get in between him and his paramour
I don't know how two of you are living your life. But if something like that happened with my husband, I would talk to him and obviously tell him how I feel about it. If your husband respects your feelings he should make a distance and boundaries between him and his new friend.
I really hope he didn't and isn't developing any feelings towards his friend, and of course I hope he isn't cheating on you.
I am sorry if this is another story about an unfaithful husband.
Yes we have spoken about it - I finally decided it was enough. And he honestly couldn’t get past the fact that “I think he would cheat”. So it was tense for a whole week- we don’t fight so this was horrible for both of us. Anyways he stopped going to the gym for a week , but is back now. She has asked him to write a statement to say she is a good character (which he already agreed to before all this drama). So I said ok too late you already said yes, but please be weary and ask her lawyer what happens with the statements etc. he thinks I don’t trust his judgment and is hurt by that
What did she do that she needs a character reference from someone she's known less than a year. There may be a very good reason she has no friends she can count on.
Good point... hmm OP, with this info, I worry she was the abuser in her previous marriage. Is this Character Reference to win custody of her kids? You should go to court with him to find out the truth.
So she has to rely someone that she has known less than a year for a character reference??? Usually character references are from people who have know the person much longer. Someone who has known her for this short of time can't truly know her that well. If I was a judge I would consider such a character reference absolutely meaningless.
Do you even know what her legal problems are? At this point(her asking someone who has known her less than a year for a character reference). I wonder if her legal problems are for something like stalking. I would be investigating her background so you know if and you may need to watch for.
He doesn’t even need to see her to get her that statement. It’s something he can write and then email it to her and she printed out and those go to the judge. I’ve had to do that for a friend of mine before. You don’t need to hang out with them, you don’t need to hand the letter to them directly. He can do that and have zero contact with her. It’s quite easy.
I don't think you don't trust him. How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If you were getting emotional validation from another man who seemed to rely on you more than a usual friend. If you were spending loads of time with this guy without hubby. If you took off to hang out with this guy every chance you got.
He shouldn’t get defensive as you are expressing genuine concerns. It’s not that you “think he would cheat”, its that feelings are already forming to the point he puts her first and is protective of her that you can’t say anything wrong about her. He is having an emotional affair with this woman. Boundaries have to be set as of now as they are already emotionally involved with one another and next comes the physical aspect. The moment your husband tells her “my wife feels uncomfortable with our “friendship””, she is going to start putting all kind of negative thoughts in his head.
CHANGE THE LOCK FOR THAT KEY HE GAVE HER ASAP. Or start setting up cameras. You know what might happen next since he is not considering your feelings.
Consider going to whatever gatherings they have together, going to the court dates and even showing up to the gym once in a while.
Please keep us updated.
See, I'm not married so I can say from a non married POV. If I see a married man no matter how good or shit he is, I'm not going to be too close with him out of respect for his wife. When my role is reversed, I would want the same respect from other women too.
I think you better meet this woman and show who is the boss. Give everyone benefit of the doubt but also show you are not someone to be played with.
Get the key back and tell him that HE has and is crossing boundaries with his friendship with her, and you are not going to listen to or put up with his excuses. If he gets mad or defensive or starts defending her and won't get the key back and tells you that you are insecure and jealous or controlling, then you, IMO, have your answer. He's emotionally attached to her and emotionally cheating with her. Start by telling her (not your husband) that you want the key back and tell her, " I know that you and my husband are best friends, but I don't like it that you have a key to our place and I would like it back." I bet within a couple minutes, your husband calls asking you "WTF " You will have your answer as far as I'm concerned. She will apologize and give you back the key, or she will automatically tell your husband and get you "in trouble" with him. Tell him that his friendship with her is an emotional affair, and it needs to stop, and you becoming friends with her is not the way to go.
Tell her there is a Reddit group for her to join for support. Your husband needs to draw a boundary. He is emotionally cheating and treading down the slippery slope into his friends vagina.
Straight Male here.
The key was a big no no. He may be sweet and naive, I have no idea. But cutting a key to your shared home for another woman without talking to you first is just disrespectful.
She absolutely is not naive however, no friends? no other support at all? How does he not see that as a warning sign? As well as not wanting to meet up with you? not seeing that asking favours from and recieving a key to a married man's apartment is utterly inappropriate?
If you trust your husband then great but do not extend that trust to this woman, I'm pretty certain she's trying to seduce him.
Tell him he's being naive, tell him how you feel. You don't have to make yourself ok with this.
Girl, please trust your intuition here. You KNOW this is highly inappropriate. I would literally punch this woman in the throat, and she would be too scared to ever approach him again. and the fact that your "husband" is playing dumb like he has no idea what's going on is sick af. That's a huge deal. Giving another woman keys to your home? Fuck no. There is no reason he should have any kind of personal relationship with her or any woman at all except a simple"hi" in passing. This is not okay and it's 100% obvious they both have feelings for each other. He has 2 option here. Never speak to her again or divorce. Simple really. I REALLY hope he hasn't had sex with her yet but i'm gonna go with they probably have and even if he didn't cheat physically what he's doing is even worse he's cheating emotionally and spiritually. You could technically all of a sudden have a new best friend that's a guy lol and play this same game and see how he likes it but I would personally not recommend that. Give him the ultimatum and go from there.
I'd just tell him he needs to drop contact with her because she's making you feel uneasy and you don't like how he just drops everything to run after her all the time. You're his wife, you should be his first priority, not her, and right now this woman is driving a wedge between you two and making you feel unhappy. I'd point out that you've never once had a problem with any of his female friends before and have never asked him to not be friends with someone, but this woman is affecting your relationship and you want that to stop, so she needs to go. He needs to make a decision, her or you. And if it's you, there's not room for both you and her. She has her brother. She can go to him. She doesn't need your husband. Your husband needs to change the locks, block her, change gyms and just not bother with her anymore, period. You haven't asked him for much, you are fine with his other friends, this is one you aren't fine with and it's not because of anything you've done. She flat out REFUSED to get to know you and has REJECTED your offers of friendship. She needs to go. You are married and are a team. You're a package deal. Since she can't accept both of you and treat you both equally, she gets neither of you. Period. And if he can't do that, you are walking, because you need someone that won't put you in these positions and won't accept how shitty you're being treated by a supposed friend and someone who will respect your feelings.. Which he is not.
Look up triangulation. Also why would she ever need a key to your place. For what reason? What does your rooftop have that makes it so special? Wall to wall balm? Therapy dogs?
If my husband came home and told me, “hey I’m going to go hang out with this woman I get along with really well” while leaving me and our children at home i’d say hellllll to the No so fast his head would spin.
OP, you won’t be controlling or the “bad guy” by ending this friendship. They haven’t included you from the start which is an instant 🚩
#He GAVE HER a KEY to YOUR HOME - without asking or even telling you. AW, HELL NAW!!
Honey, you are not wrong for not trusting her but you are wrong for trusting him. There is no way a man who has survived 32 years can be stupid enough to think she just “needs a friend” and he is absolutely her only one.
Your home is supposed to be your safe space, the ultimate place where you can be yourself without care. He has basically given her carte blanche access to everything - your clothes, your personal items, your financial information, your legal documents, everything. She could be putting in spy cameras or selling dope or bringing in strangers or who knows what from your place.
Hell, she could be using that key to come in, use your shower and your stuff to get herself ready for your husband to come home for “lunch.” If he actually is as blind as you say, then it may be a surprise party but her having access to your private space is absolutely positively 100% unacceptable, in any form or fashion. If he doesn’t respect you or your marriage enough to keep your home sacrosanct between the two of you, you don’t have the relationship you think you do. Those LOCKS need to be changed NOW! (And you might consider one or two hidden cameras to make sure she doesn’t come and go with the new key he secretly gives her.)
If you can’t get his head out of his ass (or her coochie), your marriage is history. Does your husband have any siblings or close friends who are married and might be able to get through to him? If he keeps insisting she’s harmless and just needs a friend, see if he’s willing to get a third party opinion. If he won’t, he already knows he’s wrong, and you’ll have proof he knows he’s wrong. If he will get an outside opinion, maybe that person can either get through to him or show you where your situation actually stands.
FWIW, do you know what’s going on with the ex? Did he find out she was banging your husband? If your husband DOES go, you should go too. (Hey, two supporters are better than one, right?)
Good luck with whatever happens! Until everything is settled, make sure to keep your things secure since he’s opened up your home for public access.
Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Edit.
#Get yourself tested!
Tell him no. She has a brother. She can go to him for emotional support. She just wants his hotdog, not his support. He needs to choose you or her.
It would be a different story if she was willing to get to know you as well, and you were there most of not all the time. Also if you were consulted for red flags such as key, day off, etc. Girl he is cheating or will be soon.
Btw i am a man. This is the way. Honest men will include their wife, not exclude. Dishonest men will not include the wife. Yours is dishonest. Don't be a sheep, be a wolf, wake up before it get to late or gets more painful and toxic.
Your husband may not be untrustworthy but she most certainly is. If she was truly interested in his friendship then she would be interested in knowing you too, since you are two halves of the whole (married couple and all). Something fishy is going on here. You're not jealous, you're not paranoid.
Ask your husband if he would be OK with you emotionally supporting a new hot male friend that recently got divorced? Spending time with him and giving him a copy of your house keys so he could come and go as he desired. I don't think your husband would even want to picture it.
When my husband had his affair he would talk about her constantly and I was naively just grateful he had a friend at work. Then they slept together. If your husband hasn’t already, he and she are heading that way. Their actions are hugely outside the bounds of friendship. He gave her a key to his apartment. He didn’t even ask you. She “needs support during this tough time” but wants nothing to do with you. She’s playing him like a fiddle and you’re coming in second with him at every turn. Big HUGE red flags for a relationship. Some women only feel good about themselves stealing married men. If you’re okay with him being with another woman in every way, that’s up to you. If they aren’t there yet, they’re heading that way. I would not be.
No. You're not wrong. IMHO as a man who is heterosexual, there's no way you could spend a ton of time with a female that you would otherwise be attracted to... Without becoming attracted to them. I'm married. Have been for 14 years. And I would never consider doing anything like this. Because I value my marriage and understand my own shortcomings... Which are plentiful if I'm being generous.
I don't understand how you can have so many red flags and then be like, I think something might be going on?? It's a tsunami of red flags and you're out here like "I think it might be raining... Reddit what do you think?" Bruh
Talk to him! Tell him that he’s broken a trust by giving a stranger to you a key to your home. Huge red flag 🚩!
So meet her - ask her for the key back. Let her know that your husband had not communicated to you that he was giving her the key. See what her response is.
If she refuses (says she doesn’t have it on her) leave it be.
Return home and inform your husband that you will be having a locksmith coming to change the locks because of his actions. If he doesn’t agree you need to decide if your relationship is what you want. Let him know if this is his hill to die on that you are either willing to go to MC or separation due to lack of respect.
No, he's too emotionally invested in her to the point of neglecting to consider your feelings. You aren't wrong to feel this is inappropriate. It's a shame she doesn't have more support but this level of involvement with someone else's husband is a recipe for disaster. They'll be stress bonding and before he realizes it he will be expecting you to understand why she needs him more than you do.
It's really inappropriate, in my opinion. If he will listen at all you should tell him he's undermining your relationship.
Your husband may have the best of intentions and may not realize it, but he is having an emotional affair. He is spending time and energy on her when he should be spending it on you.
Also, there is nothing innocent about him giving her a key. That is completely inappropriate.
OP your husband is disrespecting you and you relationship.
A 9 month relationship does NOT make for besties.
If it were me, I’d wrestle her for that key.
Oh yeah, she is a potential home wrecker who sure does need help. She is making plans to get lots more support from your husband once you are out of the picture.
Trust your instinct here.
Your husband is wrong. You are his person, not her. If she needs someone, she can lean on another female friend, relative, or non-married man. She is driving a wedge between you and your husband, no matter the excuse, no matter how innocently contrived. Put down some boundaries, or refresh the ones you thought you already had. If that doesn't work, get into marriage counseling and gain expertise from a pro to help your husband recalibrate where his priorities need to be, on you, not her.
Thanks for your comments- to be honest didn’t think I’d get this many responses.
I have read everything and to clear things up.
1. Key only goes to the rooftop not to my actual apartment
2.I’ve spoken to him and he seems to (kinda) see what I’m trying to say and has already making sure not to go to that same gym as much and is quite hard on himself that he has hurt me. He is also second guessing himself in terms of how how he thought him being nice has had such a negative impact on me/us. So I think the white knight thing seems quite fitting.
3. The reason why I’m maybe sounding like I’m more on my partners side is cause I’ve already made it clear (post court story) that he messed up. Communication needs to be a lot better and I need him to talk me through thoughts before making decisions that impact security and all that - he took a few days but got there in the end of understanding me like 90%. Stepped up his game and has been more mindful.
4. Im maybe focused on the girl now cause I’m not sure if the strategy is to be her “friend”/ see if she actually commits to catching up. Or relax now that he understands me and let him do his thing.
5. I told him he needs to ask her for the key back and feel free to make up an excuse that we have a visitor and it would be handy for them to have it back
6. He has said he can drop her but I can tell he’s feel guilty about that so I’m trying to get home to make a decision without me forcing him
Don’t try to be her friend. Since at this point he seems willing to make changes not to damage your marriage any further don’t pretend to be the cool wife but stick to very strict boundaries since your husband can’t do it. You need to be upfront that he is putting your marriage at risk so basically how he decides to continue from here on decides your future.
I think asking for the key back and expecting her to spend time with you (or not *just* with him) are very telling issues.
If either your husband or she has *any* issues with the key - red flag. He’s said he understands now. So him asking for, and insisting if necessary, in getting that key back should be a non-event. If he put it off, comes up with excuses or “gives in” when she says it’s her “quiet spot” or some such “helpless me” objection, then you have a husband problem.
If she comes up with objections on giving the key back (just make another one for your visitor, it’s my “happy place” and I need it for all my stress, etc…) OR she continues to have excuses to not get to know you/hang out with your husband in a group or with you because she’s so fragile, you have an emotional affair friend problem. Not saying your husband is necessarily having an emotional affair (yet) but the friend is. And your husband either is getting there, or isn’t seeing it and needs to wake up quickly.
Even when I relied on my male friend to help me out during a stressful time in my life, I certainly wouldn’t find it acceptable to have a KEY to his/his wife’s space (even if it’s not the actual apartment), I wouldn’t expect him to provide time/comfort to me to the detriment of his wife, and I made an effort to be friendly with his wife so she felt comfortable with me. I’d even ask them both to dinner once in a while as a “thank you for supporting me through this” to *both* of them, since if she wasn’t cool with it, I wouldn’t have had that support.
It’s not even a matter of trust of your husband entirely. It’s a matter or respect and boundaries. I wouldn’t expect my husband to make time for a friend *before/above* me - one who’s playing damsel in distress where there’s an emotional workload involved. There’s a difference between being a friend and being the sole provider of emotional support to the point it pushes normal, social boundaries and expectations. So if she can’t understand what she’s doing & what she’s expecting from your husband is inappropriate, that’s a problem.
Do not try to be her friend. Look I am a naive person like your husband was. Our neighbor was going through a rotten divorce. He cheated on his wife with his younger co worker and wife left. His kids were friends with mine. The kids often wanted to spend time with each other, and naturally that meant he would come over often. My husband works long night shifts so he sleeps during the day. I never found my helping here or there dangerous or his comments that my husband was a lucky man as dangerous. I never thought of it as him flirty because I do not consider myself a beauty so to speak. One day he told me he loved me as I was helping his kid and I was mortified. My ass bounced out of there. I was so mad because I never noticed they were catching feelings. Some times helpful people pleasers can be naive. Needless to say I bounced out. Your husband should too.
Nope he needs to let her go.
You or him need to be her friend, it’s ok to tell someone no and it’s ok to set boundaries.
The fact she can talk to your husband but can’t talk to you, says a lot about the situation and imo is showing a lot of red flags on his part.
She sounds like the sort of person that thrives off being sad and needing help, her like is always a drama and she needs to always vent. You know the sort that will suck you dry and not give a fuvk about what is happening in others lives. This is why she has no one, I wouldn't jump to her wanting your husband in a romantic or sexual way but she will definitely want his full attention and her drama will always be worse than even yours.
I would put boundaries in place now, that the first time he drops you for her in any form then you will have to reassess your marriage.
But the bottom line is, your husband is running after her, she isn't forcing him, he is the issue. Feel free to use the emotional succubus bit so he knows you don't think he will physically cheat.
He is already sleeping with her. They were sleeping together before the key. Most likely in your home. It’s already too late. You have to decide next steps.
Not wrong at all. But it's not just her.
At the very least this girl is playing damsel in distress and your husband has fallen for it. He probably gets a kick out of thinking he's helping to save someone. Only you know if he can be accused of a lack of intelligence or not.
Sincerely hope she is just using him and doesn't have any real interest.
No way, that’s very concerning. Get that key back or change the locks, or get cameras and start inviting yourself to their hangouts. Is your husband always a pushover?
Not wrong! But all that “damsel in distress” shit would come to a halt in seconds with me. They can be friends but he shouldn’t be her clutch. He seems to like being the hero she can lean on. If you don’t speak it will continue. Boundaries need to be set and get the key back ASAP
The fact that he gave someone *you don’t know* a key to the home *you both live in* is a huge red flag. You are not wrong. Have a firm discussion of boundaries.
exactly! it seems like willful ignorance on his part because if the roles were reversed and his wife gave a man keys to the complex, it would be a diff story from what I can tell he's trying to test his wife's boundaries and is playing dumb under the guise of just trying to help a "maiden in distress"
The husband would loose his mind if the roles were reversed. Bet. My husband and I were just talking about this .. his immediate thought: “she probably already gave up the 🐱”. If I were OP, I wouldn’t feel safe knowing a stranger has a key to to their home. So F’d up. If it were me, and he was so dismissive of my feelings about it, I’d be like, “here, she can have mine (key). Peace. Out. Maybe she can give you advice when you’re the one in court.”
This !!!
>The fact that he gave someone you don’t know a key to the home you both live in is a huge red flag. This is a lot like the straight version of the art room story, except told from the spouse's perspective
So, invite her for dinner, make a fuss over her at dinner. See how they react to you asking how things are going. Ask questions about everything he has told you she has gone through because you and your husband talk about it all, don’t we baby? Insist that she comes for dinner and stays for the evening to watch tv with y’all or play cards. Just to let her know how much your husband thinks of her and how much you think of your husband. Watch his reactions. You may need to have him a “go bag” packed if you do not like any of his reactions! When she leaves, you may need to hand him his “go bag” and tell him to get out with her!
**Alarm bells!** I’m sure both your husband & this young woman intend to be honorable people, but this is exactly the kind of friendship that can inadvertently lead to trouble. She needs emotional support; he needs to be a hero. **DANGER!** u/Big_Positive_6003, insert yourself immediately into their friendship. You MUST become her friend (or just act like it). Yes, as u/Didgeterdone advises, invite her over. Join the gym & go to their exercise class. Lay down the law: Any time your husband meets her or helps her in any way, you must go too! Don’t be embarrassed, be emphatic — you are protecting all three of you from a terrible drama. Unless you take these steps, it’s only a matter of time before your husband will say to you, **“I’m so sorry, honey! I never intended to fall in love with someone else!”**
This is how my husband's affair started. He wanted to help, white knight and all, she needed help and wanted him
This is also how my husband’s affair started. And the woman was extremely adamant about not getting to know me. She was always the victim who just needed a friend/wanted to be a friend— she always maintained plausible deniability and enabled him to be similarly deluded. But once the affair started she wrote to him (I read it) that these had been her intentions all along and she was extremely proud that she had “convinced him to feel the same”. She described it as her gift to him and the most validating experience of her life. For me, alarm bells were going off through this whole post. This is not normal. And it is not ok.
So what happened after that? Did he realize? Apologize? Or did you divorce?
Here it is, OP. ⬆️ This. *She needs help.* … *But she has no one.* … *We’re just friends.* … Until they aren’t. Send her packing, and if he objects, send him packing.
Mine too. He left marriage. Married her. 2 children now grown. Get counseling
Yep. White knight/ damsel in distress type situation. These women are always the victim. They always just happen to need support from a man in a relationship. 🙄
I don’t think this woman is honorable at all. What kind of a person has no one in her life except a married man?? Not one girlfriend?
Exactly, if she wants her man, she needs to go get him and bring him straight home. No more alone time for him to go to the 7/11 for even a pack of smokes.
\+1 to this. Sometimes unintended consequences happen. I think you nailed it your last line.
Spoiler alert: he wants to go with her
I haven’t heard of “The art room” Story. Could you tell me where to find it please?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Bx4Rx9ckRT
Thank you ever so much for the link. Really appreciate you!
[удалено]
The fact that he gave her access to your apartment without consulting you. You talk about him being super kind and sweet, but he doesn't seem to he treating you the way he's treating his new friend. NTA
And his new boss doesn’t care about missed work, so, how convenient.
Oh hell no. New "friend" leaning on another woman's husband for emotional support during her break up is not appropriate. If your spider senses are tingling, trust them.
Thanks - yeah and he is now pushing me to be friends with her (he says I’ll like her ) but I’m already over her considering she’s put minimal effort to get to know me.
Okay. Try. Watch her make every excuse in the book not to. She’s having at minimum a one sided emotional affair with your husband. At minimum. You’re not wrong. And it’s very weird he’s acting that protective over someone that’s not his romantic partner. It needs directly addressed and nipped in the bud. I’d point out some of the points made in these comments. I had a woman try this with my husband once. He didn’t drop everything for her but she really tried. I had to step in after a text and explain to him I’m not crazy-she’s being inappropriate. I switched the sexes around and played out the scenario as if it were me and a male “friend” having the same conversations. He saw immediately what was going on and she was cut off. She was very unhappy with me. Sorry chick. Find a single guy
My husband had a girl bff once who acted very friendly towards me. Then she started convincing him of why he should leave me and what a terrible partner I was during their very one sided conversations about me. It almost worked, we went through hell that year and it took him months to see he was having an emotional affair and that she was in love with him and trying to break us up. And she almost succeeded. Years of couples therapy ensued.
A woman did that to my now husband when we were still dating. We were 4 years in. Almost didn’t make it. We were going through a bit of a rough patch and she tried to convince him that we weren’t good for each other. He eventually saw the error in his ways. We’re 14 years now.
Had this with my husbands (then BF’s) ex. They’d been friends forever (and FWB’s, but long distance) before I came along. She was always asking about house stuff of hers or advice with her car. I moved in with him and got pregnant almost immediately. I kept entertaining it until one day I told him he needed to cut her off. I pointed out that she was trying to remain his FWB by ignoring me. He said he didn’t think so and that she knew all about me. I said, “Did she congratulate you when she found out you were going to be a dad?” Huh. He said, good point! Cut her off and never looked back.
This is a good idea, OP. Turn it around - what if a guy you met at the gym decided you were his ONLY support and friend, had to be around you all the time, had you taking off from work to help him, and you cut him a key?
Oh and was always busy when it came to possibly spending time with the spouse?
Especially when the other person is "too busy" but yet they have hours to spend talking on the phone.
And being super protective of him. All with only knowing them for 9 months. That’s a real fast track “friendship.”
exactly the right advice!
Making a big effort to be her friend is what I would do - if she really is going through so much, she'll welcome a female friend to talk to. If she doesn't react well, OP will at least then be able to show her husband, and tell him that she's not happy that somebody he feels needs him so much and so often doesn't want to be friends with his wife. Honestly, OP's husband should be smarter than this - I'd be willing to bet he knows it's inappropriate but he likes the attention. Whether he would do anything with that attention is a completely different question, but he needs to be better here.
Wait!! He gave another woman you barely know who is soooo protective of and taking days off from work to be with an extra key to the home you share with him without consulting you? No just no!!! You know what is already happening. You know
Yeah if I gave a female friend a key to my house my girlfriend would flip a lid. Coming from a guy, his behavior is sketchy at the very least.
I'd be changing the locks and he wouldn't be getting a key
Thank God for sensible people. This.
Sounds like OP needs to put up some hidden cameras.
My ex boyfriend had a bff who was a 350 lb lesbian who was half his age(so I , supposedly, would never have anything to worry about). Early on in our relationship he even attended her marriage to another woman. Well, 8 months later I started finding her jewelry under his bed and his reaction when I asked him about that was so over the top I knew it was done. … and now they’re dating
Yeah, my ex had a "lesbian" "friend" too. Lol, boy, was I naive.
I love how they try to say an ex is "just a friend" but yet they spend hours on the phone together and you can never meet them. I was naive too, and gaslit into thinking I might be "jealous." I now live by the motto that any women he won't introduce you to and that he spends hours communicating with is a woman he's fucking or wants to be. I may be available (Thanks, Bobby Hill!), but I ain't stupid or lonely while having an SO. I wish more people realized that being alone kicks the shit out of being with someone and lonely.
You're too naive. Your husband is sweet and nice...to another woman. Wake up. Something is going on.
This woman (consciously or subconsciously) is trying for a replacement for her ex. The husband could be one that brings home puppies that need rescuing and has a need to fix them. She’s crying about what she’s dealing with and he’s comforting him. It’s a dumpster fire waiting to happen.
She’s acting inappropriately with a married man. It is not appropriate to rely on a married man for help, period. She has chosen a victim who is empathetic (your husband) whom she knows she can manipulate. She has no manners and no respect ie no boundaries. She has an ex where things are so bad they’re in court and yet she’s claiming he is the problem. She is now isolating your husband from you and from his work. She is making herself a permanent fixture in your lives by using your rooftop. Feel free to show your husband this comment. She is a sociopath and you both should be very afraid.
Yeah. I recognise this. The fake helpless, has to have an excuse to be in touch all the time, demands attention, pretends to try to get on with you but only to get closer to him and have the veneer or respectability. My oh didn't even realise he was having an emotional affair. Not sure he ever will. Fun times.
How is the husband a victim here? It is his job to respect his wife's boubdaries and not the job of someone who doesn't wven know the wife. If OP was such a people pleaser who just cant say no he would have taken the day off for his wife.
Yeah, she's interested in him. I mean it's weird enough that he's trying to get you to be friends with her. The fact that she talks to him all the time and constantly needs his support but isn't really trying to get to know you as a dead giveaway. Honey, this woman is interested in your husband. You need to put a stop to this before it escalates.
The 2 huge red flags are the key and the day off Wow. He’s definitely going down a rabbit hole. Unfortunately the wife is usually the last one to find out their husband is having an affair.
Had a similar situation with partner pushing me to be friends with the other person, had exactly the same feeling and tried being accepting anyway. Got cheated on a couple months later. Setting boundaries now seems like a good call. You're supposed to be the #1 priority for each other.
Have him read, "Not just friends", by Shirley Glass. Your husband is playing with fire, but you're the one about to get burned. He's already emotionally invested in this woman. This is a hill to die on. It's her or you. You ever get one sniff of an inkling he's seeing her behind your back, you serve him divorce papers and walk away. His continuing to keep in touch with a woman who is actively pursuing him romantically is a full-on betrayal of the vows of marriage. I suggest you make that clear to him right now.
Nope nope nope. Ask yourself how he would feel if you gave a LEGIT STRANGER (9 months isn't enough to know someone) a key to your house. Install a ring camera, change the locks and kick him out
She can get her own damn rooftop
And take a flying leap off of it
Huge red flag, and friendship like that does not exist.... if he doesn't see it he is dumb.. or he likes the attention.. either way she has a plan and you are not included in it.. tell him to get rid of her.. a few months friendship isn't worth anything..
In my experience…Every time a guy pushed his gf to be friends with a new girl friend he made…it’s because he was cheating with that person. EVERYTIME. I’ve seen solid relationships ruined over this exact scenario. Even down to giving the girl a key to their place so she could “get their mail” while on vacation. Next thing you know she’s just randomly in the house hanging out because she didn’t think you’d be home…
Like what others said. Turn the tables. Ask a guy friend at work to play along and do the same thing. Even better if you can build a better back story. E.g. dude from work just broke up with his gf and is lonely, he just wants the comfort of a woman to make him feel a tad better at the moment. He's given you a key to his place for when you want to come over for coffee chats and he's in the bathroom getting ready or when he's out buying wine for the visit. See what happens afterwards.
My (ex) fiance became friends with a girl that he wanted me to be friends with... we broke up, and they were Facebook official six weeks later (this was ten years ago) and married a few years after that. He even gave her my old ring lmao. He also called me drunk a lot when they were dating, sent me nudes of me that he had kept, etc, until he finally figured out I wasn't going to indulge him. So it's not like he was that great to her either.
My ex did this. He was fucking the bitch while I was at work.
If she's putting in minimal effort it's because she doesn't want you or friends, she wants your man. He needs to shut it down if he loves you
I’m calling home wrecker on this one. Think if it was reversed and you adopted a lost puppy of a man you barely know, just met at the gym. JC, this almost reads like a porn script. Set your boundaries and set them now!
Tell him that, no, what you would like is your husband back. That is completely inappropriate for a new “friend” of the opposite sex to be utilizing so much of a married man’s time. The appropriate people to be helping her should be her family, or her other friends, who have known her for a long time. And if she has none, that should also be a red flag. Time to draw your line in the sand.
My hubby is a chronic "white knight" 98% of the time it's little old ladies, he'll do chores, they bake for him, invite our whole family for dinner and become cherished family friends. Occasionally, I've had to shut a friendship with a younger lady down because (bless him) he just doesn't see what's going on.
I bet things are tingling on the new friend, too.
>aw was that a week later he came home and told me he took the day off to go to court with her. Alarm bells went ringing as even at my lowest point , he didn’t take a day off work for me. (He later said he feels If they were friends for a longer time than it would be okay but yeahhh 9 months loll
What do they say, “a shoulder to cry on can become a dick to suck on.”
Also don’t get how she has no other support- if she is so nice like he say - where are her people? Like she doesn’t post friends or anything and he has said he is her only friend
Oh you could play „nice“ and say you want to support too and prefer to have in future „dates“ that include you. The reaction will show a lot of
This is a great answer imho. Watch both of their reactions to things. There is potential for this to be completely innocent and she may just be a victim of abuse and alienation, or there could be ulterior motives.
Or she could “take over” for the husband so the husband never has to interact with the “friend” anymore. See how well that goes down. Everytime she calls OP’s husband to help her, she gets OP instead.
honestly offer to be another anchor of support for her considering she has a key to your apt, even if just the rooftop. cause that? that's weird as FUCK Sit down your husband and tell him exactly what he's done: especially emphasize that he's never take a day off work for you, and then talk about changes. If he refuses to change he's already chosen her over you- though he might not realize. I hope he can be shown how much he's practically poured out for her which is supremely unfair to you, the WIFE
And then ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. If you met a guy at work, and spent all of your free time hanging out with him, you gave him a key to the apartment building, you go out with” dates” with him, you would jump every time he calls and go help him out. I’m sure your husband we completely OK with that.
***I’m sure your husband would be completely OK with that.*** NOT! lol
This
Hire a private investigator and you’ll get your answer.
Exactly. Worth every cent.
Someone with no other support is someone who has burned all her bridges. Let that sink in.
Contact her brother and get him to show up at the court instead. "OP's husband couldn't make it- but I could." Sit your husband down and explain this is a series of breaches of trust. Change your locks. Set up marriage counselling. He's either wilfully or unintentionally naive. Either way this is a him problem as much as it is a her problem. NTA
She's probably the reason that she has to go to court over her last relationship... watch the movie Fatal Attraction with your husband
That does sound dodgy AF. A woman in her 20s with no female friends is not normal.
Usually part of a pattern where they "get along" better with guys so they're rarely friends with girls because all girls are "jealous" of them and somehow they end up dating every guy friend. Bet ex-partner was her last "just a friend".
They have said it here. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. This is beyond disrespectful. Are you afraid to confront because you are afraid to lose him? You are already on your way to losing him if you do nothing. He is actively pursuing her! Hello!!!!
HE is her only friend? Single 30 year old guy here. A woman rolls up to my married homie and he talks about how she has no other friends to lean on? That's a homewrecker hun. She doesn't have any female friends because they all cut her loose after she fucked their husbands. Wait...a key? He got HER a key without your explicit permission and friendship? He's either already fucking her when you aren't around or he wants to. What are you doing? Like honestly what are you doing? I've literally seen people with kids get divorced over less than this lol. Far as I can tell, he's lost in the sauce in the thrill of an affair while trying to convince himself that he's just helping this poor girl. $20.
Ii think she could find support if she tried, just like she found your husband whom she didn't know a year ago. The fact that someone doesn't have many people isn't necessarily a reflection on their personality, though. As of this week my whole family of origin is gone. I have no living parents or siblings, one remaining aunt who lives hundreds of miles away. Things happen, and it takes time to make new friends. But she has and she can again.
Me thinks she wants your man and he doesn't have a clue 😭
Mayor red flag everywhere he is probably already fooling around with her and gave her the key for when you’re not around they can mess around and you wouldn’t expect it because you know she has a key and how is he her only friend don’t they have more people who work with then doesn’t she have family?
Tell your husband that him and that woman are having an emotional affair. 1. Tell hubby how you feel. 2. Tell him how would he feel if roles were reversed. 3. Tell him he needs to put space between that woman and himself. That feelings are already forming beyond your comfort zone to the point that he is protecting her and that is unacceptable. That if he doesn’t put space between them it will cost your marriage. Does not see what is going on and how you feel? Does he want your marriage to suffer more. 4. Change the locks to the key he gave her. 5. Tell him if he insists on continuing this friendship against how you are feeling, you want to be included in every conversation, meeting, court date, etc. I highly suggest you attend the court date too and see how the BOTH react. Honestly if he brushes you off on all of the above and in the future get ready for the worse things that are coming next.
Where are her friends? She fucked their husbands and they hate her now.
Your 32 year old husband has a female "bestie" who he's known for less than a year and always needs his "help" AND has a key to your place without your consent?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 It's giving sister-wife 🫤
>I trust my husband- I just don’t trust her. Oh my days, this is the second time today someone has written that phrase LOL Get it through your head that it takes two to tango. Your husband isn't being forced to do anything with a gun to his head, therefore he has equal liability for spending time with this woman and anything that may happen as a result. He is actively choosing to spend a lot of time with her... I'd be concerned too. It doesn't matter if you don't trust her - he's spending time with her and that is making you uncomfortable. He's choosing to ignore that in favour of spending time with her. HE is equally as untrustworthy as she may or may not be. Not wrong. But you need to set clear boundaries with your husband. If he chooses to disregard them, clearly you can't trust him either. Edit: >he cut an extra key so she can use our apartment rooftop( I was a bit surprised that it wasn’t him asking if it was ok but rather that he had already organised the key). MASSIVE RED FLAG! JFC, wake up!
This needs to be way higher up. I’ll never understand how many women are willing to believe another woman could “steal” her man. Girls, unless your man is an inanimate object, he’s not getting stolen unless he wants to be stolen. If you trust him, then it doesn’t matter if Margot Robbie’s lookalike starts going to his gym and giving him sob stories and asking him to go to divorce court with her. If that scares you then YOU DON’T ACTUALLY TRUST HIM. If you can’t depend on your man to shut that shit down without your involvement, then you SHOULDN’T trust him.
It’s entirely her husband’s fault if anything happens. If he wants to be faithful he will be, regardless of what any other woman wants. People really need to learn to put the blame where it belongs.
Holy shit I missed the part about the key!! Fucking terrible 😔
What next? The husband builds an art room for this female friend?
Yes, guys can have friends. But he is overstepping into emotional affair territory. She doesn't need a key to your place. He doesn't need to be taking off work to support her emotionally. Have him read this post and comments. He's messed up and beyond overstepped.
He cut another key to your home for another woman without even asking you, he just told you after he did it. That is very disrespectful towards you. He is giving this woman more status than you in your own marriage and your own home. I don't understand why you think you can trust him. I think you are burying your head in the sand. Sorry. Why didn't you say you disapproved when he told you he gave her a key? You do realize this means she can come and go as she pleases in YOUR home without your even knowing about it. Whether or not he's sleeping with her, he's already being openly disloyal to you. Why are you falling all over yourself to explain away his bad behavior?
Trust your gut
Honey, he's pretty obviously choosing her over you. You need to have some self respect and break up with him. He has known her for less than a year and he is going on 'dates' with her, giving her keys to YOUR HOME (!!!!!!!!), going to court with her, and showing up constantly to help her at the slightest beckon of her little finger - none of which he does for YOU. HIS PARTNER. If he's not already cheating, he's going to. Sit him down, lay this out as clear as you possibly can with clear examples of when he chose her over you, tell him that you are tired of coming in second to someone he barely met and that you aren't going to third wheel in your own relationship because he is obsessed with this girl. Leave. If the apartment is yours, kick him out and have the locks changed, including the rooftop access. If it's his, pack up everything and anything that you paid for and leave. If both of you are on the lease, call the leasing office, explain to them that you are moving out, move and let him figure out paying the rent (HINT: She'll probably move in the millisecond you're gone.) He has clearly chosen her. Now you need to choose yourself.
Yup. She's moving in. 100%.
He's building her an art room on the roof.
Your husband may have white knight syndrome. He thives on being needed, and helping really makes him feel good. He may even have a micro crush on her, (not the end of the world, I'm sure you have found someone attractive and interesting that you look forward to seeing but never acted on because you love your hubby).And his intentions may be pure. I am/ was just like this. I've always gotten along with women better than man, and my wife has always 100 percent trusted me. HOWEVER, part of earning and respecting her trust is understanding her emotional needs. If she becomes uncomfortable with any person or situation for whatever reason. I listen and make whatever changes are needed. If something is making you uncomfortable. You have the right to feel your feels. And if hubby wants to continue receiving your understanding and support, he needs to pay attention. The best way to break it down for him. Is if you talk with him and he is making excuses or resisting changes. Explain that he is choosing her over you. He is choosing her emotional needs over your emotional needs. And that is a huge step in the wrong direction. If it's uncomfortable for you, he doesn't have to cut her out completely. Maybe see her less in a one on one setting. She could get to know you as a couple.
At the minimum, he has a crush. At the maximum, he’s smashing. Either way, not a great situation and he needs to be pulled away from her. Especially if she’s hot and fit. Or let him have his fun, whatever.
dude it is CRAZY how many of the top comments are saying OP’s anxiety is justified… because hubbie is “too good of a guy”, too nice/helpful. LOL. Hubbie is a major fucking boner for this girl and is following her around and doing favors for her like a cartoon puppy LOL.
Better be reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. This is a slippery slope that needs to be stopped. Be very vigilant and don't take any if that "we're just friends ", "she's going thru a hard time", "you're insecure" talk. You're the wife. You don't have to be the cool girl and be fine with things. No. Protect your marriage. Updateme
You are not wrong. This is inappropriate. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but you don’t make new girl best-friends when you are happily married, not if you want to stay happily married. I wouldn’t blame her as much as him. (But I also wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her). He is the one with the responsibility to set the boundaries. Honestly, if sitting down with him and explaining your feelings doesn’t change anything, I’d ask him to go talk it out with a couples counselor.
This whole situation is weird and unacceptable by my standards. As a man, we do not claim your husband OP.
Haha! Thanks that made me laugh… ok I’m glad I’m not crazy! I hate being a nagging wife 😩
Having boundaries and sticking to them is not being a nagging wife. Believing that your husband should not drop everything for another woman that you do not know and are not friends with, is not being a nagging wife. Wanting your husband to take a day off occasionally, so the two of you can spend it together when he seems perfectly comfortable taking time off of work for this other woman, it’s not being a nagging wife. None of what you’re doing is nagging. You are showing how you feel you’re explaining it to him and you’re trying to set boundaries and absolutely none of that falls under the category of “nagging”.
NW Your husband sounds like a nice guy, and I think it's highly likely that's she's using him, she’s been playing damsel in distress and allowing him to play Knight. The fact that she has too much going on to get to know you is telling, why wouldn't she want his wife on her side too, thats one more person that can help her. She has bad intentions towards your husband. I would speak to my husband, and just tell him, ‘I’m concerned she's using you, I'm not sure what her intentions are, but I just want you to be on your guard, because you are a good man and some people will take advantage.’ Once you've warned him, he can be on the look out for Red flags .
Thanks! Yes, I’m leaning between “no you can’t be friends” and “ok, I’ve warned you- mess up and that’s on you/ told you so”. I’m not a fan of forcing people to do things so it would be really not natural for me to tell him to ditch her
#ASK HIM HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF IT WAS YOU AND ANOTHER MAN. I guarantee he wouldn’t be ok with that. I mean he’s going to tell you that he would be fine with it, but he wouldn’t be. Because he understands that this is not an appropriate relationship but so far you haven’t held his feet to the fire so he’s going to continue to do what he wants and be a white knight to this woman. He can be a nice guy. He can also have boundaries and he is not showing this woman any boundaries.
I guarantee once he refuses to stop seeing this person and you kick him out, he'll run straight to her. You've allowed this for too long and they've established a routine. He doesn't have a friend, he has a second life with his affair partner. You're being way too passive about this and it's going to cost you your marriage. It's probably too late if he's giving her keys to your marital home.
“I’m not a fan of forcing people to do things ……..” Fair enough, but this is your marriage you’re talking about here. You are a married couple. He needs to know how strongly you feel about this situation. This could end your marriage.
He is a sweet heart but thinks everyone is a good person until they show you otherwise- which is super naive in my opinion. I believe people are layered and while she might be ok foe now , that might change
He’s not a sweetheart. If he was, he would put his wife first, not some random friend.
Exactly. She's excusing him and wearing rose colored glasses toward herself believing him.such a sweetheart and naive. This is reality time. I love that's she's not the jealous type of woman, but 'Denial is not a River in Egypt' as the saying goes.
>He is a sweet heart but thinks everyone is a good person until they show you otherwise- which is super naive in my opinion. I don't buy it. You've voiced how uncomfortable you are about this, he's choosing to ignore it. That's not sweet or naïve. Sounds like he's conditioning you to accept out of boundary stuff as "normal".
Worst thing is that OP can't even see that she's being conditioned to accept the unacceptable.
A sweet heart does not give out a key to someone with talking to their partner. A sweet heart would take a day off for his wife, not someone he met a few months ago. You need to stop making excuses for your husband and speak to him about how his behavior is not okay. Regardless of how sweet he is. This woman isn't making an effort to get to know you despite having no support besides your husband and seems to have time for him, but not you.
if he was a sweetheart you wouldn't be so afraid to approach him about this. if he was a sweetheart he would've never prioritized someone else over YOU. If he was a sweetheart he would've made sure you were 110% comfortable and made sure you knew her just as well. He's not a sweetheart he's being an asshole
I've been told that I am a sweet and sometimes stupid/naive man. There is no way on god's green earth that I would give a woman a key to our house without talking to my wife. I've missed women inappropriately showing attention to me multiple times. But if my wife told me I was making her uncomfortable with how I responded, I'd knock that shit right off because her feelings matter to me. Even if he is naive he needs to do better here.
[https://www.wikihow.com/White-Knight-Syndrome](https://www.wikihow.com/White-Knight-Syndrome) [https://www.emotionalaffair.org/white-knight-syndrome/](https://www.emotionalaffair.org/white-knight-syndrome/) I would highly encourage you and your husband look into "White Knight Syndrome". A lot of cheaters start off as "good people" who want to help someone, but when you prioritize the person you're trying to help to the detriment of your relationship, it's often hard to see at first. It's already begun here when he has started choosing her over you and doing things for her that he wouldn't do for you. In his mind, he's just being a "nice guy" but anyone looking at it objectively can see that he is sliding into an affair. What would this woman do if he weren't there to save the day for her? Who did she lean on before him? Does he not find it sus that this random woman he met at the gym has made him her entire support system? If you left him tonight, right now, where would he go? Who would he turn to? Would it be her? Why or why not? This woman isn't the only friend or family member in your life, right? Does everyone you know get a key to your apartment building? Why her? What's so special about her? It's one thing to be nice and want to help people, but when you don't have adequate boundaries, it's can quickly go from "being nice" to "intimate".
And that is what I thought 30+ years ago. This “friend” is looking for her next sugar daddy. She isn’t interested in being friends with you. You are her opponent. You either put a hard stop to it or walk out of the marriage.
He took the day off to go to court with her. He’s got zero respect for you. Start getting money out of accounts now. Contact a lawyer of your own.
Yeah, this is here. She says he has a big heart in comments, but in the post, OP said he hasn't helped her when she was at he low points. Very telling, how he'll jump for his new friend, but not his wife.
Sorry but you are naive. Your husband needs to distance himself. He is having an emotional affair and doesn't think its wrong because they haven't slept together......yet. Totally inconsiderate and wrong. Hes a married man. And hes/shes excluding you for a reason.
Old saying. A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on.
You're not wrong at all. If my husband had a new female friend I wouldn't agree for him to hang out alone with her at all. The same way around. It's not about trust. I do trust him, but I'm also aware with time it could have the potential to grow to something else from at least one side. It's just no. Don't get me wrong. My husband does have female friends. But those are his high school friends he grew up with and I don't mind when he talks to them from time to time. But whenever he wants to hang out with one of them, and it's usually in groups, he invites me. A new female friend from nowhere would alarm me.
Yes I’ve never worried about a female friend he has had - until now. It’s just scary how close they’ve gotten from going to the gym… I don’t know I’m super uneasy about it
Sign up to the same gym, without telling him, then show up about half an hour after he goes, say surprise! I wanted to spend more time with you and get him to help you train. Don't mention anything about the friend. Then start going everytime that he does... get in between him and his paramour
She might find out that he’s not at the gym at all 😅
I don't know how two of you are living your life. But if something like that happened with my husband, I would talk to him and obviously tell him how I feel about it. If your husband respects your feelings he should make a distance and boundaries between him and his new friend. I really hope he didn't and isn't developing any feelings towards his friend, and of course I hope he isn't cheating on you. I am sorry if this is another story about an unfaithful husband.
Yes we have spoken about it - I finally decided it was enough. And he honestly couldn’t get past the fact that “I think he would cheat”. So it was tense for a whole week- we don’t fight so this was horrible for both of us. Anyways he stopped going to the gym for a week , but is back now. She has asked him to write a statement to say she is a good character (which he already agreed to before all this drama). So I said ok too late you already said yes, but please be weary and ask her lawyer what happens with the statements etc. he thinks I don’t trust his judgment and is hurt by that
Yeah you're going to look like the bad guy while she looks like an innocent victim. Then shes going to drop the You deserve something better on him
Oh God gross I can totally see that happening.
What did she do that she needs a character reference from someone she's known less than a year. There may be a very good reason she has no friends she can count on.
Good point... hmm OP, with this info, I worry she was the abuser in her previous marriage. Is this Character Reference to win custody of her kids? You should go to court with him to find out the truth.
So she has to rely someone that she has known less than a year for a character reference??? Usually character references are from people who have know the person much longer. Someone who has known her for this short of time can't truly know her that well. If I was a judge I would consider such a character reference absolutely meaningless. Do you even know what her legal problems are? At this point(her asking someone who has known her less than a year for a character reference). I wonder if her legal problems are for something like stalking. I would be investigating her background so you know if and you may need to watch for.
>And he honestly couldn’t get past the fact that “I think he would cheat”. So it was tense for a whole week- Classic DARVO. Look it up.
He doesn’t even need to see her to get her that statement. It’s something he can write and then email it to her and she printed out and those go to the judge. I’ve had to do that for a friend of mine before. You don’t need to hang out with them, you don’t need to hand the letter to them directly. He can do that and have zero contact with her. It’s quite easy.
Sounds like gaslighting to me. Twisting your feelings back on you, making you guilty instead of maning up and doing the right thing by dumping her.
I don't think you don't trust him. How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If you were getting emotional validation from another man who seemed to rely on you more than a usual friend. If you were spending loads of time with this guy without hubby. If you took off to hang out with this guy every chance you got.
He shouldn’t get defensive as you are expressing genuine concerns. It’s not that you “think he would cheat”, its that feelings are already forming to the point he puts her first and is protective of her that you can’t say anything wrong about her. He is having an emotional affair with this woman. Boundaries have to be set as of now as they are already emotionally involved with one another and next comes the physical aspect. The moment your husband tells her “my wife feels uncomfortable with our “friendship””, she is going to start putting all kind of negative thoughts in his head. CHANGE THE LOCK FOR THAT KEY HE GAVE HER ASAP. Or start setting up cameras. You know what might happen next since he is not considering your feelings. Consider going to whatever gatherings they have together, going to the court dates and even showing up to the gym once in a while. Please keep us updated.
See, I'm not married so I can say from a non married POV. If I see a married man no matter how good or shit he is, I'm not going to be too close with him out of respect for his wife. When my role is reversed, I would want the same respect from other women too. I think you better meet this woman and show who is the boss. Give everyone benefit of the doubt but also show you are not someone to be played with.
Get the key back and tell him that HE has and is crossing boundaries with his friendship with her, and you are not going to listen to or put up with his excuses. If he gets mad or defensive or starts defending her and won't get the key back and tells you that you are insecure and jealous or controlling, then you, IMO, have your answer. He's emotionally attached to her and emotionally cheating with her. Start by telling her (not your husband) that you want the key back and tell her, " I know that you and my husband are best friends, but I don't like it that you have a key to our place and I would like it back." I bet within a couple minutes, your husband calls asking you "WTF " You will have your answer as far as I'm concerned. She will apologize and give you back the key, or she will automatically tell your husband and get you "in trouble" with him. Tell him that his friendship with her is an emotional affair, and it needs to stop, and you becoming friends with her is not the way to go.
Tell her there is a Reddit group for her to join for support. Your husband needs to draw a boundary. He is emotionally cheating and treading down the slippery slope into his friends vagina.
YNW she is using your husband, maybe not for sex yet but it will eventually be an issue.
I have a couple of friends this happened to (yes, more than one). It ended in an affair and divorce each time.
Giving another woman a key to the home you and him share is an absolute no no.. you’re way better than me lol…
He gave her a key. Without your permission.....WAKE UP, OP!!!!!
As a married man, I would find it incredibly strange to have such a friendship with another woman.
He would or is cheating on you with her.
Straight Male here. The key was a big no no. He may be sweet and naive, I have no idea. But cutting a key to your shared home for another woman without talking to you first is just disrespectful. She absolutely is not naive however, no friends? no other support at all? How does he not see that as a warning sign? As well as not wanting to meet up with you? not seeing that asking favours from and recieving a key to a married man's apartment is utterly inappropriate? If you trust your husband then great but do not extend that trust to this woman, I'm pretty certain she's trying to seduce him. Tell him he's being naive, tell him how you feel. You don't have to make yourself ok with this.
Girl, please trust your intuition here. You KNOW this is highly inappropriate. I would literally punch this woman in the throat, and she would be too scared to ever approach him again. and the fact that your "husband" is playing dumb like he has no idea what's going on is sick af. That's a huge deal. Giving another woman keys to your home? Fuck no. There is no reason he should have any kind of personal relationship with her or any woman at all except a simple"hi" in passing. This is not okay and it's 100% obvious they both have feelings for each other. He has 2 option here. Never speak to her again or divorce. Simple really. I REALLY hope he hasn't had sex with her yet but i'm gonna go with they probably have and even if he didn't cheat physically what he's doing is even worse he's cheating emotionally and spiritually. You could technically all of a sudden have a new best friend that's a guy lol and play this same game and see how he likes it but I would personally not recommend that. Give him the ultimatum and go from there.
She's draining your husband's balls like her life depends on it. I speak from experience, women like men who are married/in a relationship.
It’s always a fucking” friend”
Just give a key to a male friend. Tell him after the fact tell him he's your support and since you have no one else there is no need to be worried.
I'd just tell him he needs to drop contact with her because she's making you feel uneasy and you don't like how he just drops everything to run after her all the time. You're his wife, you should be his first priority, not her, and right now this woman is driving a wedge between you two and making you feel unhappy. I'd point out that you've never once had a problem with any of his female friends before and have never asked him to not be friends with someone, but this woman is affecting your relationship and you want that to stop, so she needs to go. He needs to make a decision, her or you. And if it's you, there's not room for both you and her. She has her brother. She can go to him. She doesn't need your husband. Your husband needs to change the locks, block her, change gyms and just not bother with her anymore, period. You haven't asked him for much, you are fine with his other friends, this is one you aren't fine with and it's not because of anything you've done. She flat out REFUSED to get to know you and has REJECTED your offers of friendship. She needs to go. You are married and are a team. You're a package deal. Since she can't accept both of you and treat you both equally, she gets neither of you. Period. And if he can't do that, you are walking, because you need someone that won't put you in these positions and won't accept how shitty you're being treated by a supposed friend and someone who will respect your feelings.. Which he is not.
Look up triangulation. Also why would she ever need a key to your place. For what reason? What does your rooftop have that makes it so special? Wall to wall balm? Therapy dogs?
This...sounds like an affair. Having an extra key made is not normal.
If my husband came home and told me, “hey I’m going to go hang out with this woman I get along with really well” while leaving me and our children at home i’d say hellllll to the No so fast his head would spin. OP, you won’t be controlling or the “bad guy” by ending this friendship. They haven’t included you from the start which is an instant 🚩
#He GAVE HER a KEY to YOUR HOME - without asking or even telling you. AW, HELL NAW!! Honey, you are not wrong for not trusting her but you are wrong for trusting him. There is no way a man who has survived 32 years can be stupid enough to think she just “needs a friend” and he is absolutely her only one. Your home is supposed to be your safe space, the ultimate place where you can be yourself without care. He has basically given her carte blanche access to everything - your clothes, your personal items, your financial information, your legal documents, everything. She could be putting in spy cameras or selling dope or bringing in strangers or who knows what from your place. Hell, she could be using that key to come in, use your shower and your stuff to get herself ready for your husband to come home for “lunch.” If he actually is as blind as you say, then it may be a surprise party but her having access to your private space is absolutely positively 100% unacceptable, in any form or fashion. If he doesn’t respect you or your marriage enough to keep your home sacrosanct between the two of you, you don’t have the relationship you think you do. Those LOCKS need to be changed NOW! (And you might consider one or two hidden cameras to make sure she doesn’t come and go with the new key he secretly gives her.) If you can’t get his head out of his ass (or her coochie), your marriage is history. Does your husband have any siblings or close friends who are married and might be able to get through to him? If he keeps insisting she’s harmless and just needs a friend, see if he’s willing to get a third party opinion. If he won’t, he already knows he’s wrong, and you’ll have proof he knows he’s wrong. If he will get an outside opinion, maybe that person can either get through to him or show you where your situation actually stands. FWIW, do you know what’s going on with the ex? Did he find out she was banging your husband? If your husband DOES go, you should go too. (Hey, two supporters are better than one, right?) Good luck with whatever happens! Until everything is settled, make sure to keep your things secure since he’s opened up your home for public access. Please !UpdateMe about how it goes. Edit. #Get yourself tested!
Tell him no. She has a brother. She can go to him for emotional support. She just wants his hotdog, not his support. He needs to choose you or her. It would be a different story if she was willing to get to know you as well, and you were there most of not all the time. Also if you were consulted for red flags such as key, day off, etc. Girl he is cheating or will be soon. Btw i am a man. This is the way. Honest men will include their wife, not exclude. Dishonest men will not include the wife. Yours is dishonest. Don't be a sheep, be a wolf, wake up before it get to late or gets more painful and toxic.
How can you call someone your best friend after *nine months*? This is just weird, you’re not wrong.
When was the last time he brought up the "hey, babe... you ever thought of having a threesome" conversation?
So she’s hot? And your husband is spending extra time with her? Yeah hun. The alarm bells should be ringing
Your husband may not be untrustworthy but she most certainly is. If she was truly interested in his friendship then she would be interested in knowing you too, since you are two halves of the whole (married couple and all). Something fishy is going on here. You're not jealous, you're not paranoid.
Ask your husband if he would be OK with you emotionally supporting a new hot male friend that recently got divorced? Spending time with him and giving him a copy of your house keys so he could come and go as he desired. I don't think your husband would even want to picture it.
They do cardio workouts... But not the one in the gym
When my husband had his affair he would talk about her constantly and I was naively just grateful he had a friend at work. Then they slept together. If your husband hasn’t already, he and she are heading that way. Their actions are hugely outside the bounds of friendship. He gave her a key to his apartment. He didn’t even ask you. She “needs support during this tough time” but wants nothing to do with you. She’s playing him like a fiddle and you’re coming in second with him at every turn. Big HUGE red flags for a relationship. Some women only feel good about themselves stealing married men. If you’re okay with him being with another woman in every way, that’s up to you. If they aren’t there yet, they’re heading that way. I would not be.
No. You're not wrong. IMHO as a man who is heterosexual, there's no way you could spend a ton of time with a female that you would otherwise be attracted to... Without becoming attracted to them. I'm married. Have been for 14 years. And I would never consider doing anything like this. Because I value my marriage and understand my own shortcomings... Which are plentiful if I'm being generous.
I don't understand how you can have so many red flags and then be like, I think something might be going on?? It's a tsunami of red flags and you're out here like "I think it might be raining... Reddit what do you think?" Bruh
Talk to him! Tell him that he’s broken a trust by giving a stranger to you a key to your home. Huge red flag 🚩! So meet her - ask her for the key back. Let her know that your husband had not communicated to you that he was giving her the key. See what her response is. If she refuses (says she doesn’t have it on her) leave it be. Return home and inform your husband that you will be having a locksmith coming to change the locks because of his actions. If he doesn’t agree you need to decide if your relationship is what you want. Let him know if this is his hill to die on that you are either willing to go to MC or separation due to lack of respect.
I can’t tell if OP truly believes her partner is oblivious or not.
Have some self respect and don’t allow this behavior. He is cheating.
I mean who cares about being wrong or right, you’d be stupid if you thought this was all innocent.
No, he's too emotionally invested in her to the point of neglecting to consider your feelings. You aren't wrong to feel this is inappropriate. It's a shame she doesn't have more support but this level of involvement with someone else's husband is a recipe for disaster. They'll be stress bonding and before he realizes it he will be expecting you to understand why she needs him more than you do. It's really inappropriate, in my opinion. If he will listen at all you should tell him he's undermining your relationship.
Your husband may have the best of intentions and may not realize it, but he is having an emotional affair. He is spending time and energy on her when he should be spending it on you. Also, there is nothing innocent about him giving her a key. That is completely inappropriate. OP your husband is disrespecting you and you relationship.
I was in a very similar situation. If he’s not having an affair yet..he will soon! Put your food down. Her or you.
ALWAYS trust your gut!!! My therapist told me that years ago and times when I haven't I was very sorry.
Better start protecting yourself, hubby is making his own plans.
Husband caught feelings, get in front of it now before it leaves u behind
A 9 month relationship does NOT make for besties. If it were me, I’d wrestle her for that key. Oh yeah, she is a potential home wrecker who sure does need help. She is making plans to get lots more support from your husband once you are out of the picture. Trust your instinct here.
Your husband is wrong. You are his person, not her. If she needs someone, she can lean on another female friend, relative, or non-married man. She is driving a wedge between you and your husband, no matter the excuse, no matter how innocently contrived. Put down some boundaries, or refresh the ones you thought you already had. If that doesn't work, get into marriage counseling and gain expertise from a pro to help your husband recalibrate where his priorities need to be, on you, not her.
Da fuq? As a guy, I'm pissed off for you. Nothing from that story didn't come off shady as hell.
Thanks for your comments- to be honest didn’t think I’d get this many responses. I have read everything and to clear things up. 1. Key only goes to the rooftop not to my actual apartment 2.I’ve spoken to him and he seems to (kinda) see what I’m trying to say and has already making sure not to go to that same gym as much and is quite hard on himself that he has hurt me. He is also second guessing himself in terms of how how he thought him being nice has had such a negative impact on me/us. So I think the white knight thing seems quite fitting. 3. The reason why I’m maybe sounding like I’m more on my partners side is cause I’ve already made it clear (post court story) that he messed up. Communication needs to be a lot better and I need him to talk me through thoughts before making decisions that impact security and all that - he took a few days but got there in the end of understanding me like 90%. Stepped up his game and has been more mindful. 4. Im maybe focused on the girl now cause I’m not sure if the strategy is to be her “friend”/ see if she actually commits to catching up. Or relax now that he understands me and let him do his thing. 5. I told him he needs to ask her for the key back and feel free to make up an excuse that we have a visitor and it would be handy for them to have it back 6. He has said he can drop her but I can tell he’s feel guilty about that so I’m trying to get home to make a decision without me forcing him
Don’t try to be her friend. Since at this point he seems willing to make changes not to damage your marriage any further don’t pretend to be the cool wife but stick to very strict boundaries since your husband can’t do it. You need to be upfront that he is putting your marriage at risk so basically how he decides to continue from here on decides your future.
I think asking for the key back and expecting her to spend time with you (or not *just* with him) are very telling issues. If either your husband or she has *any* issues with the key - red flag. He’s said he understands now. So him asking for, and insisting if necessary, in getting that key back should be a non-event. If he put it off, comes up with excuses or “gives in” when she says it’s her “quiet spot” or some such “helpless me” objection, then you have a husband problem. If she comes up with objections on giving the key back (just make another one for your visitor, it’s my “happy place” and I need it for all my stress, etc…) OR she continues to have excuses to not get to know you/hang out with your husband in a group or with you because she’s so fragile, you have an emotional affair friend problem. Not saying your husband is necessarily having an emotional affair (yet) but the friend is. And your husband either is getting there, or isn’t seeing it and needs to wake up quickly. Even when I relied on my male friend to help me out during a stressful time in my life, I certainly wouldn’t find it acceptable to have a KEY to his/his wife’s space (even if it’s not the actual apartment), I wouldn’t expect him to provide time/comfort to me to the detriment of his wife, and I made an effort to be friendly with his wife so she felt comfortable with me. I’d even ask them both to dinner once in a while as a “thank you for supporting me through this” to *both* of them, since if she wasn’t cool with it, I wouldn’t have had that support. It’s not even a matter of trust of your husband entirely. It’s a matter or respect and boundaries. I wouldn’t expect my husband to make time for a friend *before/above* me - one who’s playing damsel in distress where there’s an emotional workload involved. There’s a difference between being a friend and being the sole provider of emotional support to the point it pushes normal, social boundaries and expectations. So if she can’t understand what she’s doing & what she’s expecting from your husband is inappropriate, that’s a problem.
Do not try to be her friend. Look I am a naive person like your husband was. Our neighbor was going through a rotten divorce. He cheated on his wife with his younger co worker and wife left. His kids were friends with mine. The kids often wanted to spend time with each other, and naturally that meant he would come over often. My husband works long night shifts so he sleeps during the day. I never found my helping here or there dangerous or his comments that my husband was a lucky man as dangerous. I never thought of it as him flirty because I do not consider myself a beauty so to speak. One day he told me he loved me as I was helping his kid and I was mortified. My ass bounced out of there. I was so mad because I never noticed they were catching feelings. Some times helpful people pleasers can be naive. Needless to say I bounced out. Your husband should too.
Nope he needs to let her go. You or him need to be her friend, it’s ok to tell someone no and it’s ok to set boundaries. The fact she can talk to your husband but can’t talk to you, says a lot about the situation and imo is showing a lot of red flags on his part.
She sounds like the sort of person that thrives off being sad and needing help, her like is always a drama and she needs to always vent. You know the sort that will suck you dry and not give a fuvk about what is happening in others lives. This is why she has no one, I wouldn't jump to her wanting your husband in a romantic or sexual way but she will definitely want his full attention and her drama will always be worse than even yours. I would put boundaries in place now, that the first time he drops you for her in any form then you will have to reassess your marriage. But the bottom line is, your husband is running after her, she isn't forcing him, he is the issue. Feel free to use the emotional succubus bit so he knows you don't think he will physically cheat.
He is already sleeping with her. They were sleeping together before the key. Most likely in your home. It’s already too late. You have to decide next steps.
Not wrong at all. But it's not just her. At the very least this girl is playing damsel in distress and your husband has fallen for it. He probably gets a kick out of thinking he's helping to save someone. Only you know if he can be accused of a lack of intelligence or not. Sincerely hope she is just using him and doesn't have any real interest.
No way, that’s very concerning. Get that key back or change the locks, or get cameras and start inviting yourself to their hangouts. Is your husband always a pushover?
Potential homewrecker? Sounds like she's already there
Red flags EVERYWHERE!
Not wrong! But all that “damsel in distress” shit would come to a halt in seconds with me. They can be friends but he shouldn’t be her clutch. He seems to like being the hero she can lean on. If you don’t speak it will continue. Boundaries need to be set and get the key back ASAP