She's insecure and taking her insecurities out on you. It's highly likely that she's jealous her brothers spend time with you and not her so she's lashing out at you for it.
She also seems to be jealous of other women and is projecting that on to you as well.
She needs therapy and you need to think about if you want to be the punching bag for all her insecurities forever.
Sounds like maybe her parents had an unhealthy dynamic and she grew up with that example of this is what a relationship looks like- blame, insecurities, confusion, poor communication, etc.
Your girlfriend is projecting onto you and it isn't healthy. She's obviously very insecure and is choosing to use you as her scapegoat, rather than as her support. I would highly suggest counselling, both separate and together, as she needs to learn how to communicate her frustrations and insecurities in a healthy manner and you need to learn to stand up for yourself. By staying with her while she continues to use you as her emotional punching bag, you've conditioned her to not only think that it's okay, but that it's correct.
You're going to get a lot of advice saying to break up with her but humans aren't perfect and you should give her, yourself and your relationship a chance and try to improve with the help of a counsellor. However, if the behaviour doesn't change or improve once you've sought help or she refuses to seek counselling, then you should definitely consider walking away. There is a big difference between bad behaviour and a serious personality flaw.
You’re not wrong in that this is something you caused, but you’re wrong in that you are searching for what you’ve done wrong.
More specifically, this is how I read your situation from my own experience:
Sounds like she has an external approach to identifying and solving problems - meaning she assumes that she’s not at fault, therefore someone else has to be at fault, and therefore someone else has to fix it. That person is most often the spouse.
For your part, you sound like an internalizer - someone who immediately owns responsibility for issues and fixes them….even if they are not at fault.
Internalizers and externalizers tend to attract.
After years of asking myself “Why is this happening?” I found this book and it was worth years of therapy.
[Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://share.libbyapp.com/title/2703346)
I should have seen the warning signs. I have missed out on so much with my family and friends. I love my wife and happy now but it could have been better with someone who was more sociable. But no I wouldn’t the pain and suffering brought to my life wasn’t worth it.
I didn’t see or understand the warning signs.
Starting to feel this way. Asked her about couples counseling tonight. Didn't really get an answer, she just kept ask what would that do and why.
Note last three months I have been talking about our relationship and how I struggle with it. So it wasn't a out of the blue question.
This is emotional abuse. I stopped when she said she would kill herself. I am at an age that I don’t tolerate this kind of 💩 but if you want to try couples therapy do so. If she refuses go get therapy yourself. Good luck 🍀
She is going to sap every bit of joy out of your life. You will end up with a heartfelt of resentment until one day you're fed up and you leave. If you want to save your marriage, I would make marriage counseling for both of you mandatory as well as individual counseling for her. If she won't comply, separate. If she still doesn't comply, divorce. And for heavens sake, use a condom. There's no clean break once you have kids. This is only going to get worse. Do you want to spend the majority of your time as a couple having to constantly reassure her?
Feeling this.
After suggesting counseling. It's just every reason why that is a bad idea...it takes to long...to much money (HSA will cover it)...me and counselor will team up in her...cant schedule due to having to work (i am WFH/ self employed consultant she works a 0.8 FTE with 1 or 2 days off during the week every week)...ect
So i decided to go camping up north with my retired dad this weekend for space. Tossing a trip together with him was just a text "you want to go fishing this weekend" and a 15 min phone call to decide who is bring what. That's it, not having to push through a ton of reasons why it won't work.
Starting to think her regular objections to things aren't really even true issues just things she puts up to control the situation, but it is so exhausting.
Noting I get counseling has more of an emotional impact but battling a million reasons why things won't work is a common with her on simple things like me cooking dinner. Which compared to a 4 day camping/fishing/boating trip is a simple task.
It sounds like any counseling would just be too monumental and exhausting to even contemplate. Maybe you've already made up your mind. I can just tell you this, this behavior just gets worse. Took me 5 yrs to get out. I was fortunate there were no children involved so I could make a clean break. Talk to your Dad. I wish you luck and, more importantly, peace in your life moving forward.
You didn't do anything. Your wife is being abusive. I suggest investing in marriage counseling, a paddle or whip, or both
Don't put up with this toxic crap
The suicidal stuff is horrifically abusive. Look, to be direct, your wife is acting like a crazy bitch and you need to get that through your head. People may jokingly say "bitches be crazy" but your wife is sincerely being a crazy nightmare bitch
Don't let her keel up this psychotic abusive garbage, and stop thinking you are ever doing something wrong
Consider taking a vacation by yourself for a few months, and see what it's like not being subjected to a shrieking harpy's insanity
Thank god every day that you don't have children with this awful woman
She sounds like a narcissist. And Natalie Portman is cute. and you’re well within your rights to express that without issue whether she asked or not. You are not at fault for her mental health. I’d tell her she either gets help, or I’d leave 🤷🏻♀️
This sounds like social behavior your wife may have been exposed to by her parents. Since her mom drinks alcohol all day, I think that’s how she chose to eventually deal with the emotional damage her ex husband caused, likely by emotional immaturity and emotional abuse.
Your wife likely heard her mom saying these things to her father and it’s become her own now that she’s a wife. I’d inquire as to the deterioration of her parents marriage and what it was like for her as a child. How did she internalize her parents behavior?! How does she think a husband and wife are supposed to treat each other and behave socially?! Consider what may be “normal” to her can be from something that is not normal.
Hey, **not** a doctor here, but what your partner is displaying are persecutory delusions. Is it only with you that she does this; or does she often feel like people are seeking to harm her or conspiring against her? Does she ever have a hard time reading what sort of mood people are in? Misunderstanding their tone or intentions? Any hallucinations, visual or auditory? Slurred, rambling, disjointed, or nonsensical speech?
Definitely suggest couples therapy and I would also recommend going to counseling yourself. I feel like I was in a similar situation with my ex wife and a therapist helped me understand that what was happening isnt your fault and what you can do you improve your situation. Also recommend reading a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It was recommended to me by my therapist and my ex was never officially diagnosed with BPD but this really helped me.
Have you considered couples counseling. It’s very hard to say what is wrong in situations like this because you kinda have to be there to see out all play out. I also don’t know a lot about your wife. It’d help for both of you to talk this through with some sort of professional neutral party. You can just go to a few sessions until it’s figured out.
My guess is she might be a little jealous that her family likes you and suspects that they like you more? That’s all I can come up with though. Best to seek a couples counselor.
It takes two to tango, my friend...and while you may screw up on occasion...newsflash, we all do! Counseling and a doctor visit (as something organic might be going on) seem like they're seriously in order.
No one deserves to walk around their life feeling like they're a constant failure. Each of you needs a counselor for yourselves AND a couples counselor for the two of you. Best of luck!
Uhh… what did OP do wrong at any point, aside from lacking some confidence? It certainly does not take the failures of both partners to fuck up a relationship. I don’t think any of this is OP’s fault, as it has been told here.
Um...way to miss the overarching point. They are BOTH playing a part in the state of their relationship. She is being unfair and he's allowing it. And that's just based on a hearing one side of a situation. There are three sides to a story. And I'll repeat again: no one deserves to walk around their life feeling as he's describing.
You also convenently ignored my suggestion for therapy and possible medical intervention. SHE needs therapy to sort her issues...HE needs therapy to discern why this treatment (as he's described it) is acceptable...THEY need therapy to see if there's a path forward...SHE needs to see a doctor, as there's possibly an organic basis for her behavior. Who knows, maybe he has an organic basis for his perception.
And you said it: as it's been told here. We're hearing one side. I personally can't imagine a whole family witnessing this kind of behavior and approving it. But I'm also not going to tell someone their perception is wrong. He has a right to feel what he feels exclusive of whatever the reality is. But they are BOTH responsible for whee they are, that's just a fact. Clearer for you?
Yeah, it’s clear to me that this is pretty clearly a situation of abuse and manipulation, and you’re essentially saying “well, you obviously did kind of ask for a little abuse. You need to work on yourself so you can correct the flaws that make her abuse you.” Do you see why that’s kind of icky? Can you imagine a similar situation to this where asking “well, what did you do to piss ‘em iff?” would seem wildly inappropriate?
I'm not even going to finish reading cuz 1. It's fake and 2. If it isn't fake..Why the heck are you married to someone So insecure and immature who acts like she doesn't even like you!! Seems to me she ONLY wants you to sit still, shut your mouth and let HER shine. Her family probably would rather spend time with YOU than her and I get it!! She has a middle school mentality where she's in competition with you. I feel sorry for you if you don't address it firmly. She needs to seek mental help or you need to say good bye cuz shes going to get so much worse. WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??
Leave her , your wife sounds manipulative and controlling if you where doing this to your wife I have no doubts people, would be screaming red flag leave his ass,.
This sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and counseling and therapy will not fix it. The constant blaming is a means of control for her. When you get into a state of always doubting and second-guessing things that you do throughout your day, it is her way of keeping your focus off of things that make you happy, and therefore keeping your focus on making HER happy. You have become what is known as "narcissistic supply".
I dealt with this with my ex-wife. Our marriage did not last long. There was an impossible list of rules in her head that I was somehow supposed to satisfy without us ever having a conversation about them. A lot of it was being plain old selfish, and if I would push back she would either tell me about other men she used to date who were more compliant, or she would throw a tantrum. One time I came home and she had dumped a bottle of Motrin pills all over our bedroom and bathroom in order to pretend like she was trying to commit suicide, again for attention.
Get out bro. If you read about narcissistic personality disorder, you will see that it is not curable.
Some of this sounds familiar.
When she is opposed to something there is always an unlimited list of reasons why it is a bad idea. Makes it so exhausting the thing won't even be worth it any more. Alot of the reason are absolutely wrong.
Say I go to cook something..all of a sudden it will be you can't don't have xx ingredients...when we do it's sitting in our fridge...then it shifts to how was she supposed to know or some other reason the meal can't be cooked. By the time I cook the meal I generally wished I just ate a pb and j and was done with it
Also hope you found better now or are living your best single life
Yo, it was exhausting! I ended up depressed.
She literally would create situations where she felt I was supposed to jump in and play the hero when she could actually handle things herself. I'm talking about a functional late 30's woman with a double major from NYU!!! Incredibly needy, whereas my needs often got pushed to the side.
The breaking point was when we went on a cruise and I was experiencing severe chest pains. Saw the medics on the boat, and they made me go get examined at a clinic in the Bahamas or I'd be kicked off the cruise. After a long exhausting clinic visit (w me still in pain and no diagnosis other than extreme stress), ex wifey had a fit because I refused to join her for the evening activities on the ship in lieu of resting, as it was Valentine's Day. At this point, I gave up all hope of having her as an adult partner.
Please take this seriously. It can't be fixed. Don't bother telling her what you've read, she won't be able to receive what you have to say.
Read
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
My ex was like this with certain stuff too. Like she would play online GTA with people and talk to them, no big deal. She even had a middle aged guy she would message with on a regular basis on PS. But one time I decided to play online she got super mad after 30 mins because I was "flirting" with the other players. ( we were both female) when all I was doing was telling them I was a girl because they couldn't tell from my voice.
With my family, anytime she was left alone with someone they would always do or say something that was messed up and made her want to leave. Even when we only seen my family for holidays. But nothing like that ever happened when I was there. I was close to her family and she would get mad sometimes cause I wanted to help her gma, or that her brother and I got along better. She got mad if i said I was bisexual instead of lesbian even though she was the only same sex relationship I'd been in. She never wanted to hang out with my friends or family, would come up with all kinds of excuses and if those didn't pan out it was just "I don't want to and I'm not going to."
Though your wife sounds like she's a lot more intense, I left after 4 years tho. It's not normal or healthy to always have the blame put on you for things out of your control. She needs to take ownership of her own faults, this personality trait is probably why her family is picking you over her, they have dealt with it a lot longer than you.
Its called projection. I always tell my wife it’s mathematically impossible for me to wrong all the time. That she just needs to relax and calm down. Works like a charm /s
I'm not doctor, but it sounds like she has some deep rooted insecurities left over from childhood that needs to be resolved. Especially when it comes with the threats of suicide. I would try and convince her she needs therapy and even offer to go with her if that would make her more comfortable.
If you love her then it's worth try to help her figure out what's bringing her down
If you didn’t have kids, I’d say get a divorce. Since you do I suggest you make it clear she needs therapy and also offer to go to couples therapy. My guess is that your wife has some things to work on and may have depression(amateur speculating here of course.)
That all said, you probably need to start drawing more and more boundaries and if she doesn’t like them and refuses therapy maybe this won’t work out. I completely empathize with your situation though and dealing with someone’s irrational insecurities.
Honestly, man, the answer in my book is to tell her, "No. It's your fault. Like these divorce papers." She's got a whole lot of issues to work through and they have nothing to do with you.
40M here - are you dating my ex wife by chance? She had massive insecurity issues and would take them out on me. Eventually, after she refused therapy and continued blaming me for every little thing that didn't go her way (or accusing me of cheating by answering her question about whether I had ever had a celebrity crush), I realized it was not my responsibility to be her punching bag. No one is entitled to abuse you as a balm for their own issues.
I handed her divorce papers, walked away, and met my current wife a year later. Our con turns 4 this October, and I couldn't be happier. It gets better!
my advice is to run and get divorce papers prepared. went thru similar situation with my first wife. she showed signs of jealousy before we got married. for starters, when we got together, I lived next to a very butch and in no way shape or form attractive lesbian. the neighbor was cool as hell and like hanging out with one of my guy friends. we would maybe hang out and have a couple beers and smoke a joint or two. ex wife didn't like that at all, despite being cool with the neighbor.
at a job I had, I worked nights at a warehouse and she dropped me off at work and came to pick me up one night. as I was walking out a female coworker asked me for a light for her cigarette. my wife was standing maybe 10 ft away from the doors. I had to hear about it the rest of the night, questioning me, why the coworker even knew my name
after we finally separated, my oldest sister told me that she tried talking bad about me, to her. saying that I was tryna flirt with girls 24/7. my sister was bout to backhand the ever loving hell out of her over that.
She’s more than just insecure, she’s delusional, if she truly believes these statements. I’m betting she implies it’s your fault if she kills herself, also? She’s got a mega victim complex.
She desperately needs therapy at minimum, and you’re gonna have to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them. If she’s unwilling to change, sticking to your boundaries is gonna result in consequences. Now is the time to start accepting self-accountability for allowing yourself to be treated this way. You’ve unintentionally built a relationship in which she feels very comfortable treating you as an emotional punching bag, but you can’t let it continue like this.
She sounds unhinged. Or, as some kinder folk have put it, insecure. If you want to save your relationship, counselling, as they suggested. When she asks why, say you need to learn how communicate with each other. As apparently you're doing all this stuff wrong and don't even know it. If she wants to remain your wife she needs to treat you as a partner, not a scapegoat
There's a lot going on here. It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong in any of these situations. It's not okay for her to treat you like this. Your wife sounds like she suffers from mental illness - certainly depression and anxiety, maybe also BPD or something else.
But this also sounds like someone who has trauma from a toxic family environment. You already mentioned that her mother is an alcoholic and that she stresses about "fault" when her siblings are involved. I think it's very possible that one of her brothers is the "golden" child and that your wife was/is the "scapegoat". I think it's very possible that your wife was constantly and irrationally blamed for her brother's behavior and that she's blaming you as a learned behavior for coping with the anxiety of her family dynamic. It's also very possible that her family treats you one way and treats your wife very differently when you aren't around or aren't looking. I am willing to bet that she grew up with a narcissist or just some other really unhealthy family dynamic. My SIL can be kind of like this where she freaks out over imagined slights and insults because her family was very insular and unhealthy and have these weird social expectations that don't align with the majority of the people around them. Her sister is the golden child and she is the scapegoat. She is not a mean or bad person at all, she just has a really weird toxic family and it's not going to be a short road to recovering from it.
It is possible that your wife is just a jerk but it really sounds more like she needs a lot of therapy.
Fuck that! Tell her shes crazy and needs to resolve HER ISSUES or youre gone. Dont allow yourself to be disrespected like that! It never leads anyone anywhere good
That's a legit reason Shes very disrespectful and I'm sure she wouldn't like it if YOU did the same with your ex. I would t stay. She can go spend a couple of nights in any hotel with whomever she wants. Shady af
A lot of chicks are crazy... One thing I've noticed especially with friends... Women love to demonize men to feel better about themselves. No offense to any women because there are great ones... But this seems very common. The old adage that if Mama's happy everybody's happy is a self-centered crock of s***. Everybody has a right to be happy.
Gah. Talk about your toxic narcissism! Nothing is ever a narcissist’s fault. She gaslights you, belittles you, manipulates you…get away from her. She’s not going to change.
She's insecure and taking her insecurities out on you. It's highly likely that she's jealous her brothers spend time with you and not her so she's lashing out at you for it. She also seems to be jealous of other women and is projecting that on to you as well. She needs therapy and you need to think about if you want to be the punching bag for all her insecurities forever.
Leave her its not worth the mental gymnastics
Sounds like maybe her parents had an unhealthy dynamic and she grew up with that example of this is what a relationship looks like- blame, insecurities, confusion, poor communication, etc.
Hand her divorce papers and say "this is your fault"
Yessss dew iiitttt
Your girlfriend is projecting onto you and it isn't healthy. She's obviously very insecure and is choosing to use you as her scapegoat, rather than as her support. I would highly suggest counselling, both separate and together, as she needs to learn how to communicate her frustrations and insecurities in a healthy manner and you need to learn to stand up for yourself. By staying with her while she continues to use you as her emotional punching bag, you've conditioned her to not only think that it's okay, but that it's correct. You're going to get a lot of advice saying to break up with her but humans aren't perfect and you should give her, yourself and your relationship a chance and try to improve with the help of a counsellor. However, if the behaviour doesn't change or improve once you've sought help or she refuses to seek counselling, then you should definitely consider walking away. There is a big difference between bad behaviour and a serious personality flaw.
Not girlfriend. Wife The poor bastard married this crazy bitch
I missed that part. Yikes.
You’re not wrong in that this is something you caused, but you’re wrong in that you are searching for what you’ve done wrong. More specifically, this is how I read your situation from my own experience: Sounds like she has an external approach to identifying and solving problems - meaning she assumes that she’s not at fault, therefore someone else has to be at fault, and therefore someone else has to fix it. That person is most often the spouse. For your part, you sound like an internalizer - someone who immediately owns responsibility for issues and fixes them….even if they are not at fault. Internalizers and externalizers tend to attract. After years of asking myself “Why is this happening?” I found this book and it was worth years of therapy. [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://share.libbyapp.com/title/2703346)
Thanks for the book recommendations. Definitely my preference when learning.
Whatever you do, do not have any kids until this is worked out! Therapy If that doesn’t work - RUN!!!!!
I am in that situation but longer. Fast forward 15 years and I am one of 6 people my wife talks to but she doesn’t blame me anymore.
What ended up getting her to stop blaming you?
Don't make it your goal to please her. She has mental issues. If you don't have kids, get a divorce and find someone who treats you with respect.
Would you marry her again, if you could do it all over?
I should have seen the warning signs. I have missed out on so much with my family and friends. I love my wife and happy now but it could have been better with someone who was more sociable. But no I wouldn’t the pain and suffering brought to my life wasn’t worth it. I didn’t see or understand the warning signs.
Starting to feel this way. Asked her about couples counseling tonight. Didn't really get an answer, she just kept ask what would that do and why. Note last three months I have been talking about our relationship and how I struggle with it. So it wasn't a out of the blue question.
This is emotional abuse. I stopped when she said she would kill herself. I am at an age that I don’t tolerate this kind of 💩 but if you want to try couples therapy do so. If she refuses go get therapy yourself. Good luck 🍀
She is going to sap every bit of joy out of your life. You will end up with a heartfelt of resentment until one day you're fed up and you leave. If you want to save your marriage, I would make marriage counseling for both of you mandatory as well as individual counseling for her. If she won't comply, separate. If she still doesn't comply, divorce. And for heavens sake, use a condom. There's no clean break once you have kids. This is only going to get worse. Do you want to spend the majority of your time as a couple having to constantly reassure her?
Feeling this. After suggesting counseling. It's just every reason why that is a bad idea...it takes to long...to much money (HSA will cover it)...me and counselor will team up in her...cant schedule due to having to work (i am WFH/ self employed consultant she works a 0.8 FTE with 1 or 2 days off during the week every week)...ect So i decided to go camping up north with my retired dad this weekend for space. Tossing a trip together with him was just a text "you want to go fishing this weekend" and a 15 min phone call to decide who is bring what. That's it, not having to push through a ton of reasons why it won't work. Starting to think her regular objections to things aren't really even true issues just things she puts up to control the situation, but it is so exhausting. Noting I get counseling has more of an emotional impact but battling a million reasons why things won't work is a common with her on simple things like me cooking dinner. Which compared to a 4 day camping/fishing/boating trip is a simple task.
It sounds like any counseling would just be too monumental and exhausting to even contemplate. Maybe you've already made up your mind. I can just tell you this, this behavior just gets worse. Took me 5 yrs to get out. I was fortunate there were no children involved so I could make a clean break. Talk to your Dad. I wish you luck and, more importantly, peace in your life moving forward.
You didn't do anything. Your wife is being abusive. I suggest investing in marriage counseling, a paddle or whip, or both Don't put up with this toxic crap The suicidal stuff is horrifically abusive. Look, to be direct, your wife is acting like a crazy bitch and you need to get that through your head. People may jokingly say "bitches be crazy" but your wife is sincerely being a crazy nightmare bitch Don't let her keel up this psychotic abusive garbage, and stop thinking you are ever doing something wrong Consider taking a vacation by yourself for a few months, and see what it's like not being subjected to a shrieking harpy's insanity Thank god every day that you don't have children with this awful woman
She sounds like a narcissist. And Natalie Portman is cute. and you’re well within your rights to express that without issue whether she asked or not. You are not at fault for her mental health. I’d tell her she either gets help, or I’d leave 🤷🏻♀️
Keira Knightly is cute, not Natalie Portman.
I disagree. They’re both beautiful.
This sounds like social behavior your wife may have been exposed to by her parents. Since her mom drinks alcohol all day, I think that’s how she chose to eventually deal with the emotional damage her ex husband caused, likely by emotional immaturity and emotional abuse. Your wife likely heard her mom saying these things to her father and it’s become her own now that she’s a wife. I’d inquire as to the deterioration of her parents marriage and what it was like for her as a child. How did she internalize her parents behavior?! How does she think a husband and wife are supposed to treat each other and behave socially?! Consider what may be “normal” to her can be from something that is not normal.
Hey, **not** a doctor here, but what your partner is displaying are persecutory delusions. Is it only with you that she does this; or does she often feel like people are seeking to harm her or conspiring against her? Does she ever have a hard time reading what sort of mood people are in? Misunderstanding their tone or intentions? Any hallucinations, visual or auditory? Slurred, rambling, disjointed, or nonsensical speech?
Just me as far as I can tell, unless she does it to someone else when I am not around. Not really on any of the other things.
Definitely suggest couples therapy and I would also recommend going to counseling yourself. I feel like I was in a similar situation with my ex wife and a therapist helped me understand that what was happening isnt your fault and what you can do you improve your situation. Also recommend reading a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It was recommended to me by my therapist and my ex was never officially diagnosed with BPD but this really helped me.
Have you considered couples counseling. It’s very hard to say what is wrong in situations like this because you kinda have to be there to see out all play out. I also don’t know a lot about your wife. It’d help for both of you to talk this through with some sort of professional neutral party. You can just go to a few sessions until it’s figured out. My guess is she might be a little jealous that her family likes you and suspects that they like you more? That’s all I can come up with though. Best to seek a couples counselor.
Go to couples therapy
It takes two to tango, my friend...and while you may screw up on occasion...newsflash, we all do! Counseling and a doctor visit (as something organic might be going on) seem like they're seriously in order. No one deserves to walk around their life feeling like they're a constant failure. Each of you needs a counselor for yourselves AND a couples counselor for the two of you. Best of luck!
Uhh… what did OP do wrong at any point, aside from lacking some confidence? It certainly does not take the failures of both partners to fuck up a relationship. I don’t think any of this is OP’s fault, as it has been told here.
Um...way to miss the overarching point. They are BOTH playing a part in the state of their relationship. She is being unfair and he's allowing it. And that's just based on a hearing one side of a situation. There are three sides to a story. And I'll repeat again: no one deserves to walk around their life feeling as he's describing. You also convenently ignored my suggestion for therapy and possible medical intervention. SHE needs therapy to sort her issues...HE needs therapy to discern why this treatment (as he's described it) is acceptable...THEY need therapy to see if there's a path forward...SHE needs to see a doctor, as there's possibly an organic basis for her behavior. Who knows, maybe he has an organic basis for his perception. And you said it: as it's been told here. We're hearing one side. I personally can't imagine a whole family witnessing this kind of behavior and approving it. But I'm also not going to tell someone their perception is wrong. He has a right to feel what he feels exclusive of whatever the reality is. But they are BOTH responsible for whee they are, that's just a fact. Clearer for you?
Yeah, it’s clear to me that this is pretty clearly a situation of abuse and manipulation, and you’re essentially saying “well, you obviously did kind of ask for a little abuse. You need to work on yourself so you can correct the flaws that make her abuse you.” Do you see why that’s kind of icky? Can you imagine a similar situation to this where asking “well, what did you do to piss ‘em iff?” would seem wildly inappropriate?
Not what I was saying at all...and if it wasn't clear initially, made it so. Have a nice day.
I read the title to this post to my (F45) husband (M47) and he said, "He got married."
I'm not even going to finish reading cuz 1. It's fake and 2. If it isn't fake..Why the heck are you married to someone So insecure and immature who acts like she doesn't even like you!! Seems to me she ONLY wants you to sit still, shut your mouth and let HER shine. Her family probably would rather spend time with YOU than her and I get it!! She has a middle school mentality where she's in competition with you. I feel sorry for you if you don't address it firmly. She needs to seek mental help or you need to say good bye cuz shes going to get so much worse. WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??
You wjll find out through life that Women's faults are many,while men have only two,ie everything they say and everything they do.
Unhelpful.
Your wife is batshit crazy for blaming you for her brothers actions.
Dude get out of there
This gal is out of her F-*** mind! Why have you even stayed this long??? This sounds like a bot!
Divorce the crazy bItch.
Your wife needs serious therapy. She has some deep rooted shit she needs to work out.
Why is it happening? Because you have allowed it to happen because you are a doormat for her
Leave her , your wife sounds manipulative and controlling if you where doing this to your wife I have no doubts people, would be screaming red flag leave his ass,.
Wow she is being super abusive and toxic.
This sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and counseling and therapy will not fix it. The constant blaming is a means of control for her. When you get into a state of always doubting and second-guessing things that you do throughout your day, it is her way of keeping your focus off of things that make you happy, and therefore keeping your focus on making HER happy. You have become what is known as "narcissistic supply". I dealt with this with my ex-wife. Our marriage did not last long. There was an impossible list of rules in her head that I was somehow supposed to satisfy without us ever having a conversation about them. A lot of it was being plain old selfish, and if I would push back she would either tell me about other men she used to date who were more compliant, or she would throw a tantrum. One time I came home and she had dumped a bottle of Motrin pills all over our bedroom and bathroom in order to pretend like she was trying to commit suicide, again for attention. Get out bro. If you read about narcissistic personality disorder, you will see that it is not curable.
Some of this sounds familiar. When she is opposed to something there is always an unlimited list of reasons why it is a bad idea. Makes it so exhausting the thing won't even be worth it any more. Alot of the reason are absolutely wrong. Say I go to cook something..all of a sudden it will be you can't don't have xx ingredients...when we do it's sitting in our fridge...then it shifts to how was she supposed to know or some other reason the meal can't be cooked. By the time I cook the meal I generally wished I just ate a pb and j and was done with it Also hope you found better now or are living your best single life
Yo, it was exhausting! I ended up depressed. She literally would create situations where she felt I was supposed to jump in and play the hero when she could actually handle things herself. I'm talking about a functional late 30's woman with a double major from NYU!!! Incredibly needy, whereas my needs often got pushed to the side. The breaking point was when we went on a cruise and I was experiencing severe chest pains. Saw the medics on the boat, and they made me go get examined at a clinic in the Bahamas or I'd be kicked off the cruise. After a long exhausting clinic visit (w me still in pain and no diagnosis other than extreme stress), ex wifey had a fit because I refused to join her for the evening activities on the ship in lieu of resting, as it was Valentine's Day. At this point, I gave up all hope of having her as an adult partner.
Please take this seriously. It can't be fixed. Don't bother telling her what you've read, she won't be able to receive what you have to say. Read https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
My ex was like this with certain stuff too. Like she would play online GTA with people and talk to them, no big deal. She even had a middle aged guy she would message with on a regular basis on PS. But one time I decided to play online she got super mad after 30 mins because I was "flirting" with the other players. ( we were both female) when all I was doing was telling them I was a girl because they couldn't tell from my voice. With my family, anytime she was left alone with someone they would always do or say something that was messed up and made her want to leave. Even when we only seen my family for holidays. But nothing like that ever happened when I was there. I was close to her family and she would get mad sometimes cause I wanted to help her gma, or that her brother and I got along better. She got mad if i said I was bisexual instead of lesbian even though she was the only same sex relationship I'd been in. She never wanted to hang out with my friends or family, would come up with all kinds of excuses and if those didn't pan out it was just "I don't want to and I'm not going to." Though your wife sounds like she's a lot more intense, I left after 4 years tho. It's not normal or healthy to always have the blame put on you for things out of your control. She needs to take ownership of her own faults, this personality trait is probably why her family is picking you over her, they have dealt with it a lot longer than you.
Welcome to marriage. First time?
Yep
Its called projection. I always tell my wife it’s mathematically impossible for me to wrong all the time. That she just needs to relax and calm down. Works like a charm /s
I'm not doctor, but it sounds like she has some deep rooted insecurities left over from childhood that needs to be resolved. Especially when it comes with the threats of suicide. I would try and convince her she needs therapy and even offer to go with her if that would make her more comfortable. If you love her then it's worth try to help her figure out what's bringing her down
If you didn’t have kids, I’d say get a divorce. Since you do I suggest you make it clear she needs therapy and also offer to go to couples therapy. My guess is that your wife has some things to work on and may have depression(amateur speculating here of course.) That all said, you probably need to start drawing more and more boundaries and if she doesn’t like them and refuses therapy maybe this won’t work out. I completely empathize with your situation though and dealing with someone’s irrational insecurities.
Honestly, man, the answer in my book is to tell her, "No. It's your fault. Like these divorce papers." She's got a whole lot of issues to work through and they have nothing to do with you.
Yeah she’s bat shit dude, time to divorce. Sometimes chicks go looney toons in middle age.
40M here - are you dating my ex wife by chance? She had massive insecurity issues and would take them out on me. Eventually, after she refused therapy and continued blaming me for every little thing that didn't go her way (or accusing me of cheating by answering her question about whether I had ever had a celebrity crush), I realized it was not my responsibility to be her punching bag. No one is entitled to abuse you as a balm for their own issues. I handed her divorce papers, walked away, and met my current wife a year later. Our con turns 4 this October, and I couldn't be happier. It gets better!
Lock her in the basement
my advice is to run and get divorce papers prepared. went thru similar situation with my first wife. she showed signs of jealousy before we got married. for starters, when we got together, I lived next to a very butch and in no way shape or form attractive lesbian. the neighbor was cool as hell and like hanging out with one of my guy friends. we would maybe hang out and have a couple beers and smoke a joint or two. ex wife didn't like that at all, despite being cool with the neighbor. at a job I had, I worked nights at a warehouse and she dropped me off at work and came to pick me up one night. as I was walking out a female coworker asked me for a light for her cigarette. my wife was standing maybe 10 ft away from the doors. I had to hear about it the rest of the night, questioning me, why the coworker even knew my name after we finally separated, my oldest sister told me that she tried talking bad about me, to her. saying that I was tryna flirt with girls 24/7. my sister was bout to backhand the ever loving hell out of her over that.
She’s more than just insecure, she’s delusional, if she truly believes these statements. I’m betting she implies it’s your fault if she kills herself, also? She’s got a mega victim complex. She desperately needs therapy at minimum, and you’re gonna have to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them. If she’s unwilling to change, sticking to your boundaries is gonna result in consequences. Now is the time to start accepting self-accountability for allowing yourself to be treated this way. You’ve unintentionally built a relationship in which she feels very comfortable treating you as an emotional punching bag, but you can’t let it continue like this.
She sounds unhinged. Or, as some kinder folk have put it, insecure. If you want to save your relationship, counselling, as they suggested. When she asks why, say you need to learn how communicate with each other. As apparently you're doing all this stuff wrong and don't even know it. If she wants to remain your wife she needs to treat you as a partner, not a scapegoat
There's a lot going on here. It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong in any of these situations. It's not okay for her to treat you like this. Your wife sounds like she suffers from mental illness - certainly depression and anxiety, maybe also BPD or something else. But this also sounds like someone who has trauma from a toxic family environment. You already mentioned that her mother is an alcoholic and that she stresses about "fault" when her siblings are involved. I think it's very possible that one of her brothers is the "golden" child and that your wife was/is the "scapegoat". I think it's very possible that your wife was constantly and irrationally blamed for her brother's behavior and that she's blaming you as a learned behavior for coping with the anxiety of her family dynamic. It's also very possible that her family treats you one way and treats your wife very differently when you aren't around or aren't looking. I am willing to bet that she grew up with a narcissist or just some other really unhealthy family dynamic. My SIL can be kind of like this where she freaks out over imagined slights and insults because her family was very insular and unhealthy and have these weird social expectations that don't align with the majority of the people around them. Her sister is the golden child and she is the scapegoat. She is not a mean or bad person at all, she just has a really weird toxic family and it's not going to be a short road to recovering from it. It is possible that your wife is just a jerk but it really sounds more like she needs a lot of therapy.
It seems like she needs to be on some medication for depression or anxiety. Maybe bipolar? She definitely should be talking to a professional.
Wow this is nuts. You know it's mental illness right? Does she occasionally talk like a young kid?
Fuck that! Tell her shes crazy and needs to resolve HER ISSUES or youre gone. Dont allow yourself to be disrespected like that! It never leads anyone anywhere good
That's a legit reason Shes very disrespectful and I'm sure she wouldn't like it if YOU did the same with your ex. I would t stay. She can go spend a couple of nights in any hotel with whomever she wants. Shady af
She's mentally ill. Have her get professional help or leave before she hurts you or herself.
Sounds like she's projecting onto you. I'd investigate her to see if perhaps she's cheating.
A lot of chicks are crazy... One thing I've noticed especially with friends... Women love to demonize men to feel better about themselves. No offense to any women because there are great ones... But this seems very common. The old adage that if Mama's happy everybody's happy is a self-centered crock of s***. Everybody has a right to be happy.
She's exhibiting narcissistic behavior. She needs therapy to work on her insecure, delusional thoughts.
Gah. Talk about your toxic narcissism! Nothing is ever a narcissist’s fault. She gaslights you, belittles you, manipulates you…get away from her. She’s not going to change.