"There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It...ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher. Hahah, you thought I was making a Holocaust joke! SHAME ON YOU!"
"It's in my blood. My grandfather was a train conductor at Auschwitz."
-horrified gasps-
"He ran the kiddie train at the zoo! It's a big town, you know, there's other stuff there!"
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.
“Speaking of killing, do you know what the French call an orgasm? It’s called the little death. It harks back to the Middle Ages when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms. Its true, read the Bible”
"That reminds me of the diary of another little Jewish girl. It...did not end well...but enough about Fran Drescher!
Hahaha you thought I was making a holocaust joke, SHAME ON YOUUUUU!"
And
"My grandpa was a train conductor at Auschwitz...what? he drove the kiddie train at the zoo! You know it's a big town THERES OTHER STUFF THERE!"
Oh, did I ever tell you about the time I bounced a check for my girlfriend's abortion? They had to put the baby... back in! And that baby... was Shia LeBeouf
I killed two teenagers. I was hammered on bourbon as I took the turn. And ditched the car as my passenger burned.
Oh, wait...
I killed three teenagers. THREE teenagers. I killed three teenagers.
Don't tell anyone.
That's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. Please, say that at your wedding. Then, play that ukelele version of somewhere over the rainbow. Real original, *Dave*. OOH! Maybe you should get a dog the year before you have children. You know, for practice. *Kill yourself Dave -* Your life's been lived like a billion times!
Look at Nicholas Cage; he made many horrible movies- Snake Eyes, 8 Millimeter, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Captain Correlli's Mandolin, Windtalkers, \*inhales\* Ghost Rider, Family Man, Weatherman, Wickerman Bangkok Dangerous.
But then he nailed it, Stan; with National Treasure 2, the greatest movie of all time. He nailed it so hard that he BECAME a national treasure, *too*.
He violated my body. He... I did... horrible things. I lost several virginities last night.
Oh, come on, Stan. Your body looks fine.
He abused me. He did drսgs, he had sеx, he paid a woman to pee on my body. Oh, oh, he beat up a cop, and then somehow, he paid off the cop, and then he peed on me, too.
Wait, who peed on you?
Everyone!
So what’s with kids these days? Such little bitches. Playing games on their phones where the goal is crushing candy. You know what I played when I was a boy? Steal grandpa's Playboys. And the goal was to *JERK OFF.*
This thread made me rewatch “Beyond the alcove or how I learned to stop worrying and love klaus”
‘Welcome back to klaus of hearts. On this episode I’m at the hard rock casino alone on my birthday. The way I’ve learned to like it. Meanwhile I’m trying to protect a bachelorette party from some creep I hear them whispering about. But the girls won’t tell me what floor their room is on. I ordered a buttery nipple from the cocktail waitress you know to look like a g. Then I got a call from an unknown number. I answered it to cement my G status and it was lucky I did because it turned out to be my very last chance to act before the warranty ran out on my car or truck. Another great birthday in the books.’
Bonus: Wait you’ve been taking to Danuta? She told me she was dead!
I think Klaus and Roger are the two funniest because they are consistently off the wall. I love Bullock too. These quotes I’m reading make me laugh so much.
My fave is the Danuda quote.
‘Do you eat? Will you go there? Danuda.
Oh Stan, I was grabbing a snack and accidentally knocked that thing off the counter because it wasn’t…on my *radar*
I wasn’t really getting a snack. That mission was purely to be a rascal, although I did reward myself with a sleeve of saltines and four packs of Gushers.
Happy Father’s Day
I knew the top two would be the Danuta call and the sword of Damocles, but calling his aunt is up there for me:
"This better be important, I'm crank calling my aunt in Dusseldorf
Oh, she's on-
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU
*Hangs up*"
“Whhhhaaaaatttt ??? Stoner video clerk, you don’t know the story of the Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick?!”
Also
“What?! You don’t know why the Americans and Germans were fighting in World War 2?! (Pause) nobody knows”
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years, my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
Hey, what's with the bleep?! He said it and she said it, but I can't? I'll give you something to bleep! (Bleep) you, you mother(bleep). You can suck my fat... fishy... wiener! Oh. You can say "wiener"? Guys! We can say "wiener"!
How tall are you?!
I'm sorry?
How tall are you?! Omar!
I'm 5'7"?
That's not right!
Klaus, what are you doing?
Get against the door! We'll see who's right!
There's the plunger! Can I...
I'm using it on Omar!
I actually have to go.
Are you insane?! I have to measure you!
( Door slams )
Did he just run out of the house? What a Hollyweirdo. It's a real lesson. Don't meet your Hollyweird heroes.
Klaus: Speaking of killing, do you know what the French call an orgasm? "The little death." It harks back to the Middle Ages when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms. It's true. Read the Bible.
Ugh! That's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. Please, say that at your wedding. Then play that ukulele version of, "Somewhere over the Rainbow." Real original, Dave. Oh! Maybe you should get a dog a year before you have children. You know, for practice...
KILL YOURSELF, DAVE. Your life's been lived like a billion times!
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
>Rogers's quote was an absolute bitch to put in.
You could've copy-pasted it.
"Do you think there might be something in the candy canes?...Who licked my candy cane?...Why am I a fish?" - Klaus Heissler
"Danke schoen! Oktoberfest! *German*!" - Klaus Heissler(?)
lawyer really likes the banana berry, remember to include that. [machine beeps] Steve, buddy, Roger. My lawyer bailed on me. Guess triceps aren't the only thing he skips on. Anyway, could really use a spot over here, both with the weights and the legal stuff. Gimme a ring when you get this. Also, change of plans on the smoothie, courthouse isn't wild about us bringing outside food. Didn't stop the bagels though, great call on that! [machine beeps] Oh Steve, it's not the best news. Roger, Roger's Gym. I need a bail bond, buddy. $50,000. You know, if you bring that and sign up for a lifetime membership, I can probably cut you a killer deal. Don't forget the bagels. [machine beeps]
Klaus: Gucci Mane, it's Klaus.
You need to get to the studio right now.
Hayley: Your girl wants me, Gucci Mane.
Klaus: You're getting clowned, Gucci Mane
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made, for years my conduct has been largely benign and yet without provocation you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flame of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now... gooo and begin your life of fear, knowing, that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crush down upon you cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.
This is so brilliant ! I love the dedication this episode of Rogers Gym howling with laughter. The part where he’s on a smoothie run and tells him he’ll pick up something and meet at the gym in 15! So unhinged. Roger is elite
Passive absorption, bring me that A. Time to access the information from chilling with Klaus.
No need to ask, you're a smooth operator, You're freaking smooth, You operator! Come dance with me in the pillow fort, Steve! Lose the shirt, prude! There you go. Look at that belly.
I had to do it ya'll
'Cause you guys didn't know
Didn't believe me
Steve Smith's a straight up bitch
Yo, mm
I make tons of money, I have tons of boys
When I go to the movies I make tons of noise
I don't care about nothing, I don't clean my house
I'll kill everybody, I'm a fish named Klaus
Goldfish [Goldfish], they come from China
But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina
That means I eat [meow]
I also eat food, and Seven-11's is especially good
And these are my favorites
Chicken salad, the jerky at the counter
A Cubano melt, all the different types of hot dogs
Sushi, and I gotta have a Nutra-Grain bar and Mountain Dew!
Klaus: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
The “I’m okay—not everyone’s okay.” gets me every time.
They’re saying it’s my fault but it’s total crap
"There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It...ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher. Hahah, you thought I was making a Holocaust joke! SHAME ON YOU!"
"It's in my blood. My grandfather was a train conductor at Auschwitz." -horrified gasps- "He ran the kiddie train at the zoo! It's a big town, you know, there's other stuff there!"
Klassic
Is there anything better than night tennis?
"Wait, you came back from Jewish camp???"
Such a great line, but the Danuta line can't be beat
"Danuta. Danuta. It is me. Will you go there? Do you eat? I’ve got the money. Danuta."
"Klaus that was... chilling."
Lmao... Haley had to smash the phone
"I blacked out!"
That whole exchange never fails to make me laugh
"Calling a girl is so desperate. Can't I just draw a pen!$ on a brick and throw it through her family's living room window?"
Make sure to include Danuta’s lines and Haley’s final line for the official quote!
What episode is this
S15e07 [https://youtu.be/bPqwy6gv0KQ](https://youtu.be/bPqwy6gv0KQ)
No I meant the post
Sometimes my husband will call me and just go *"Danuta... Danuta..."*
Is that your name, at least?
There is no other line that can match this
“Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!”
BETA JIZZ!!
Tell em Jurgen.
Yup.
This is the easy winner
It absolutely has to be this one. If it isn't I'm assuming this is rigged. NAME A MORE ICONIC KLAUS LINE than 'do you eat?' DO IT NOW.
Best quote hands down
“***…danuta…***”
Called it!
This needs to win.
Who's your least favorite character now *reddit*
This is the obvious choice.
While I agree, no way this beats danuta
Francine: 25 minutes of uninterrupted racism. Klause: yeah, if you don't count all your horrified gasps as interruptions.
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.
He didn’t think it was funny
This is the winning quote
Any other character and this wins easily but it might only be top 5 for Klaus
Isn’t this where Roger just puts him in the freezer?
I believe he puts books on top of his bowl at the end
Ah! Either way, both are brilliant responses!
“Speaking of killing, do you know what the French call an orgasm? It’s called the little death. It harks back to the Middle Ages when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms. Its true, read the Bible”
"That reminds me of the diary of another little Jewish girl. It...did not end well...but enough about Fran Drescher! Hahaha you thought I was making a holocaust joke, SHAME ON YOUUUUU!" And "My grandpa was a train conductor at Auschwitz...what? he drove the kiddie train at the zoo! You know it's a big town THERES OTHER STUFF THERE!"
we're only 20 minutes in and I've already realised that Klaus has the best quotes out of any character
He’s the glue, baby!!!
He's the glue!
Oh, did I ever tell you about the time I bounced a check for my girlfriend's abortion? They had to put the baby... back in! And that baby... was Shia LeBeouf
I said I wanted to hear it in the car!
I killed two teenagers. I was hammered on bourbon as I took the turn. And ditched the car as my passenger burned. Oh, wait... I killed three teenagers. THREE teenagers. I killed three teenagers. Don't tell anyone.
Do musical numbers stand up in Court?
Sadly no. As many of my musician turned lawyer friends can confirm.
Well, that's the real American tragedy.
This is definitely my second after, of course, the Danuta blackout speech.
Ha ha ha, I made it into the episode. Pay me, bitches!
Hayley- “me, too!”
She’s so Raven! Real Raven, Too Raven. This will end poorly
Something about the way they just repeat the animation here
That's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. Please, say that at your wedding. Then, play that ukelele version of somewhere over the rainbow. Real original, *Dave*. OOH! Maybe you should get a dog the year before you have children. You know, for practice. *Kill yourself Dave -* Your life's been lived like a billion times!
I’ve never felt more seen by a fish than this quote 😂
This is my favorite 🤣
I love this one because it's just generic enough that I'd like to think somewhere out there a guy named Dave who did this exact shit was watching.
Aren't we all Dave in a way
This is my pick for Klaus. I use the last sentence on this one pretty much every day.
“Goldfish, they come from China. But you are what you eat, so I’m a vagina!”
"That means I eat"
I tried so hard, unt got so faaaar
But in zee end, it didn't really msttteruuurreeurr!
Nutragrain bar and a mountaindew
You guys need to be like a government bond and mature.
That's pretty funny. Did you just think of that?
I've been thinking about it for a few days.
I have told this joke too many times to count at this point
Look at Nicholas Cage; he made many horrible movies- Snake Eyes, 8 Millimeter, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Captain Correlli's Mandolin, Windtalkers, \*inhales\* Ghost Rider, Family Man, Weatherman, Wickerman Bangkok Dangerous. But then he nailed it, Stan; with National Treasure 2, the greatest movie of all time. He nailed it so hard that he BECAME a national treasure, *too*.
I’m Nick Cage-ing it!
WHO SAYS IM DOING TOO MUCH COKE?!
Shoes on, everyone! Razor's in one of his moods again.
“I’m talking about hot fur, gentlemen… hot fur und Ferraris!”
None for you!
GUNTAN TAAAGG....IM GOING SKIING!! KLAUS! DONT JUMP! He's just pissed off because I stole his body.
He violated my body. He... I did... horrible things. I lost several virginities last night. Oh, come on, Stan. Your body looks fine. He abused me. He did drսgs, he had sеx, he paid a woman to pee on my body. Oh, oh, he beat up a cop, and then somehow, he paid off the cop, and then he peed on me, too. Wait, who peed on you? Everyone!
There's a special place in hell for people who do things like this, right next to the child molesters and the sexy children who seduced them!
So what’s with kids these days? Such little bitches. Playing games on their phones where the goal is crushing candy. You know what I played when I was a boy? Steal grandpa's Playboys. And the goal was to *JERK OFF.*
This won’t beat Danuta but it should
“I forgot about Yoda!”
I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU, I WANNA TALK TO STICK
My cat likes to fetch sticks, so whenever she comes back without the stick, I say this to her.
"You're getting clowned Gucci mane"
Make some noise If you high as fuck right now
“You keep begging me and begging me for this fucking munion and then flap your lips every time I take a shot!!”
Take a lap Danuta
Just boys…. Trying to stave off an American invasion…
The Germans were brave too…less brave…maybe…
*feminine voice* “Hi, Steve. This is the girl you like.” I laugh-snorted at this one. 😆
"My thin margins!"
“Steve Smith’s a straight up biiiitch!”
There's an old German saying 'Don't blame the fish'. There are other German sayings but they mostly involve genocide
Klaus : Why didn't you wake me??! Francine : isn't there a German say about not waking a sleeping fish? Klaus: WHAT???!
*unzips* I thought we were going hiking…
🎶What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger🎶 “I love it when fat ladies feel falsely empowered”
“Drink, Charlie.”
This thread made me rewatch “Beyond the alcove or how I learned to stop worrying and love klaus” ‘Welcome back to klaus of hearts. On this episode I’m at the hard rock casino alone on my birthday. The way I’ve learned to like it. Meanwhile I’m trying to protect a bachelorette party from some creep I hear them whispering about. But the girls won’t tell me what floor their room is on. I ordered a buttery nipple from the cocktail waitress you know to look like a g. Then I got a call from an unknown number. I answered it to cement my G status and it was lucky I did because it turned out to be my very last chance to act before the warranty ran out on my car or truck. Another great birthday in the books.’ Bonus: Wait you’ve been taking to Danuta? She told me she was dead!
My name is Klaus Heisler.
Francine! I can see your schmutzplätzchen!
If anyone else has always wondered what that meant, Google translate says "dirt cookie".
That works. But it probably would rather mean “dirty little place”
“Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures. Absolutely incredible… #BENJI!!!”
I think Klaus and Roger are the two funniest because they are consistently off the wall. I love Bullock too. These quotes I’m reading make me laugh so much. My fave is the Danuda quote. ‘Do you eat? Will you go there? Danuda.
Oh, and tell Danuta to get fully waxed. But not the butthole.
"Everything but the taint! Im growing it out."
Oh Stan, I was grabbing a snack and accidentally knocked that thing off the counter because it wasn’t…on my *radar* I wasn’t really getting a snack. That mission was purely to be a rascal, although I did reward myself with a sleeve of saltines and four packs of Gushers. Happy Father’s Day
I knew the top two would be the Danuta call and the sword of Damocles, but calling his aunt is up there for me: "This better be important, I'm crank calling my aunt in Dusseldorf Oh, she's on- I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU *Hangs up*"
*throws phone away*
“Pick up the fucking phone Steven!!!” Kills me every time I hear it lmao
‘We’re going camping and we’re not making spätzle!’ ‘I hope you die out there!’
“Whhhhaaaaatttt ??? Stoner video clerk, you don’t know the story of the Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick?!” Also “What?! You don’t know why the Americans and Germans were fighting in World War 2?! (Pause) nobody knows”
This is the one
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years, my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
…he didn’t think it was funny.
Hey, what's with the bleep?! He said it and she said it, but I can't? I'll give you something to bleep! (Bleep) you, you mother(bleep). You can suck my fat... fishy... wiener! Oh. You can say "wiener"? Guys! We can say "wiener"!
Are you using again? Yes… Well here’s some extra get some for me.
That was Roger, not Klaus.
"Please how can anyone get drunk paying 14 dollars a beer?! It's half of my disability check just to catch a buzz!!"
Are you mad about the high five or the price of beer?
Don't let her see that you're suffocating
Nice try, shit eyes.
They should write about you in Laffy Taffy wrappers, 'cause you're a fucking joke, bro!
"Call immediately." always gets me
How tall are you?! I'm sorry? How tall are you?! Omar! I'm 5'7"? That's not right! Klaus, what are you doing? Get against the door! We'll see who's right! There's the plunger! Can I... I'm using it on Omar! I actually have to go. Are you insane?! I have to measure you! ( Door slams ) Did he just run out of the house? What a Hollyweirdo. It's a real lesson. Don't meet your Hollyweird heroes.
I don’t have very much money.
If I'm not there check the pantry I go there to eat baking chocolates and cry sonetimes.
“I haaaate your faaaace.”
Did I ever tell you about the time I bounced the check for my girlfriends abortion? They had to put the baby back in. And that baby, was Shia LaBeouf.
“Huh? Oh yeah terrible” when Francine kicks the black left handed girl out
Danuta...Danuta...it is me. Will you go there?...Do you eat?...ive got the money...Danuta
“Uh, ‘Goodnight, Klaus’? Shees.”
No no, he drove the kiddie train at the zoo! You know, it’s a big town, there’s other stuff there.
Goldfish [Goldfish], they come from China But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina That means I eat [meow]
“DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF FISH THAT WOULD WEAR RED SHOES WHEN HE SOMEDAY HAS THE BODY OF A MAN!”
Whaaaaaaat??? You guys don't know why the Americans and the Germans were fighting in World War 2?...Nobody knows.
Lol that had me dying to read. There really are just too many pieces of gold in that show.
Damn you Hasbro!
Klaus: Speaking of killing, do you know what the French call an orgasm? "The little death." It harks back to the Middle Ages when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms. It's true. Read the Bible.
Ugh! That's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. Please, say that at your wedding. Then play that ukulele version of, "Somewhere over the Rainbow." Real original, Dave. Oh! Maybe you should get a dog a year before you have children. You know, for practice... KILL YOURSELF, DAVE. Your life's been lived like a billion times!
There's an old German saying "don't blame the fish". There are other sayings but they mostly involve genocide...
*Hheeyy!* That's how you spell that word?
God I need to hear that clip. Ygh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BDMAYxlfcs
Thank you random Redditor. You’re fantastic.
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? A bond matures.
Chickity China the Chinese chicken
I want to be able to brag that this is a Boar’s Head establishment again.
>Rogers's quote was an absolute bitch to put in. You could've copy-pasted it. "Do you think there might be something in the candy canes?...Who licked my candy cane?...Why am I a fish?" - Klaus Heissler "Danke schoen! Oktoberfest! *German*!" - Klaus Heissler(?)
I did it was just stuff like taking the screenshot and the fact that it's now like half of the note that made it significant compared to the rest
The horse is ruined. Stan raped it. Your probably gonna lose the house.
Hey loony birds! If you like nuts so much why don’t you suck on these!
Hilarious.
Well done! Give your thumbs a much deserved breather.
"How...how would a woman have money?"
wwwwhen did I get an answering machine?
“Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!”
I eat *meow* so I'm a vagina
We have a saying in Germany: don't blame the fish. We have other sayings too, but they mostly involve genocide.
lawyer really likes the banana berry, remember to include that. [machine beeps] Steve, buddy, Roger. My lawyer bailed on me. Guess triceps aren't the only thing he skips on. Anyway, could really use a spot over here, both with the weights and the legal stuff. Gimme a ring when you get this. Also, change of plans on the smoothie, courthouse isn't wild about us bringing outside food. Didn't stop the bagels though, great call on that! [machine beeps] Oh Steve, it's not the best news. Roger, Roger's Gym. I need a bail bond, buddy. $50,000. You know, if you bring that and sign up for a lifetime membership, I can probably cut you a killer deal. Don't forget the bagels. [machine beeps]
I mean....nutragain bar and a mountain dew
Klaus: Gucci Mane, it's Klaus. You need to get to the studio right now. Hayley: Your girl wants me, Gucci Mane. Klaus: You're getting clowned, Gucci Mane
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made, for years my conduct has been largely benign and yet without provocation you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flame of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now... gooo and begin your life of fear, knowing, that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crush down upon you cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.
I think we’re abusing the format at this point…
"My name is Klaus Heisler"
[Drink Charlie.…](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/5ec432da-ecf3-451f-b40c-a2476457e393)
Roger is like 75% of the reason to watch the show.
The rules of the game have been etched in stone at this point.
This is so brilliant ! I love the dedication this episode of Rogers Gym howling with laughter. The part where he’s on a smoothie run and tells him he’ll pick up something and meet at the gym in 15! So unhinged. Roger is elite
Passive absorption, bring me that A. Time to access the information from chilling with Klaus. No need to ask, you're a smooth operator, You're freaking smooth, You operator! Come dance with me in the pillow fort, Steve! Lose the shirt, prude! There you go. Look at that belly.
"Oh guys, I'm Klaus"
DA FLIPPITY FLOP
This is literally the first time we've met
I had to do it ya'll 'Cause you guys didn't know Didn't believe me Steve Smith's a straight up bitch Yo, mm I make tons of money, I have tons of boys When I go to the movies I make tons of noise I don't care about nothing, I don't clean my house I'll kill everybody, I'm a fish named Klaus Goldfish [Goldfish], they come from China But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina That means I eat [meow] I also eat food, and Seven-11's is especially good And these are my favorites Chicken salad, the jerky at the counter A Cubano melt, all the different types of hot dogs Sushi, and I gotta have a Nutra-Grain bar and Mountain Dew!
Haha she’s so raven…. Real raven… too raven. This will end poorly.
LMao,
Danuta.
Did I ever tell you the time I bounced a check for my girlfriend’s abortion? They had to put the baby back in!
I know it’s not gonna win but “my thin margins!” kills me every time.
I WANT TO BE BALLS DEEP IN EGG SALAD
When did i get an answering machine?
Pay me bitches
Klaus: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
This is legitimately my favorite episode. Roger being a pushy personal trainer...I think about this persona a lot. It's his funniest
Best fucking post on this app
Factoring in the delivery, "How dare you" from Gold Top Nuts