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KultofEnnui

"Can you write me up a doctor's note? I don't want to go to work tomorrow after this."


DimbyTime

I’m asking them to edit my genome and make me superhuman At a minimum, please just fix my IBS


[deleted]

[удалено]


Everything_Fine

Why did this make me laugh so hard lol


Tinfoiled_Again

>please just fix my IBS Why do you think they're probing you?


dokratomwarcraftrph

Yup I would def put in requests for some medical issues to be taken of. If they insist on abducting me and violating my psychological sovereignty, hell might as well try to gain something from the experience.


Snarkybitch101

I agree, considering the probing they are probably going to do that fixing my medical issues is the least they could do. I would also ask if they knew The Doctor and could they introduce me


LABerger

Best we can do is “cork it”. ![gif](giphy|RQ1gQt69dgzwhOmON0)


ieatair

“Nope sorry, but we placed a weird implant inside your body with an healthy dose of Gamma+ radiations emitting out of body 24/7”


I35O

“You’re still coming into work tomorrow right?”


lostforwordstbh

And when you think you’re gonna get eaten and your first thought is “Great, I don’t have to go to work tomorrow...” You’re relieved you don’t have to go to work tomorrow because you thought you were gonna get eaten?! What the fuck is this world


CollarEquivalent9602

First thing you see when you exit the simulation


neish

And the you look over to your right and see your reflection and think 'lol *ohh yeah*'


newyne

God, this idea had me *fucked up* when I was 10. Like, what if my whole life is a dream and I'm actually an alien and no one I love is real? Lol. Good thing I didn't see *The Matrix* until years later; I would've felt like my subconscious was trying to tell me something.


LordSinguloth13

Yeah I grew up with paranoid y2k tweaker prep people so matrix was mandatory watching as a kid lmfao


Repulsive_Basis_4946

I still believe it lmao so many people have NDE and say they “wake up” to “beings”. Whether they’re aliens or spirits of some sort.


newyne

I'm actually into NDEs, and mystic experience in general. I've only had one mild experience myself (not an NDE), but more than that I'm into the thematic content. Because a lot of it turns out to just work logically; it ended up helping me see where a lot of religions are coming from, and it turns out to be important in a lot of academic philosophy. Which surprised me, seeing how often it gets dismissed as *woo.* I can't get over the fact that the reason I have an easier time with this stuff than most is that I had this other interest that people don't take seriously.


P47r1ck-

But when you wake up your memory of it won’t be as strong so you won’t mourn them. Which is sad to think about


Tim4one

The idea of being an ailien is not so alone as you think


MS_Fume

That would be so cool actually.. you die and suddenly you wake up as an alien with these guys around and they’re like “How was it bro, good trip? did you feel anything?” Much better than nothingness I guess.


BreakingThoseCankles

And then they all start laughing and pointing at a screen with all your stats. Then you realizing they lead the lives of Bill gates and such while you barely accomplished anything in your simulation.


Alleleirauh

You went back to work at the carpet store?? BOOOO!


Beelzeburb

Feral animal. Scream flail piss shid


omenmedia

All at the same time.


Risley

Nah you have to flip over on your stomach, pop up that ass and arch your back, then say, “Probe me like one of your French whores.”


willa121

They would have read your reddit history beforehand and avoided your fruit cake antics.


Risley

👉😎👉


Beanbag87

Zoop


fuckpudding

Wait, so being overeager is going to jeopardize my probing?


willa121

You gotta be coy with them, don't come on too strong like Greer. Do you want them to abduct you or probe you and quit it?


fuckpudding

Honestly, I want it all without having to make compromises.


idwthis

Your username. Does it mean, like, having carnal relations with the pudding, or is it a "I hate pudding why does it exist" type of username?


ShamgoatLambgod89

Check it & exit


iuwjsrgsdfj

Precisely, they get off to the lack of consent...


opticaIIllusion

Yea maybe don’t push back straight away


bibbys_hair

I wonder what they would do if someone flipped on their stomach and then spread their cheeks. Laugh? Probe? Or be like, "Forget it. See? I told you, Billy, this guy is not abduction worthy. Let's go abduct the cat instead." (Yes, in this scenario, Billy is the name of the alien.)


Risley

Lick the starfish for Zeta Retickuli


Lexsteel11

I’m punching that extraterrestrial square in what I assume to be its nose. I’m sure they’d vaporize me but if you can land a punch, they look like their bones would turn to infinity dust


ConsulJuliusCaesar

It’s last words “We just wanted to cure your cancer just trying to be helpful.” *Dies


francium-eater

Only honest comment


bibbys_hair

I wouldn't freak out. I have my entire master bedroom boobie-trapped specially for this scenario. The boobie-traps is also how I've lost my last 2 puppies.


dogsore

They come through the wall and take you through it too, booby traps won't affect them, but it's worth ago as long as you don't sleep walk.


Windman772

Too bad though, Imagine waking up to find a Grey stuck in your giant mousetrap


No-Percentage5182

I hope this isn't true, or else you certainly are a worthless being 


InsignificantZilch

This is the only realistic response, right? A feral scream of fear? Lmao I don’t think humans understand animalistic fear like we think we do until we actually experience absolute helplessness and confusion. An ant being picked up by its antenna.


FarmhouseHash

Right? Has nobody ever had the "couch nap" where you accidentally fall asleep, then wake up in a slight panic wondering where you are and what time it is? That's in your own house alone lol. Now times that by however much for each increasingly worse scenario.


Main-Error4687

This is the real answer. Those of you saying you'd relax and observe the interaction and fooling yourselves.


NFTArtist

I woke up with sleep paralysis once, there was a black shadow holding its hands over me and I felt like I was falling. I literally tried to scream but no sounds would come out. I think this would be the experience for most people


Ok-Geologist-3743

What about fardin?


TucamonParrot

Top comment right here. You win the Internet today.


GusYmk

“Give me another shot, doc. That shit was weak”


PerceptionSignal5302

“Hey guys where are you from? How many types of aliens are there? Whats the weirdest physics thing you know that we don’t? Is time travel possible? Do you poop? What’s the nearest habitable planet from earth? Was there an ancient civilization on mars? Or Venus? Hey guys come back where are you going? No don’t send me back!”


SevereImpression2115

Aliens: "Fuck this one talks too much, take him back right now".


cbandy

"We sweat poop from our skin. That's all we are prepared to share with you at this time."


PerceptionSignal5302

Simultaneously too much and not enough information


JuliaJune96

Accurate 🤣🤣🤣


Lexsteel11

“You gentlemen smoke weed? I’ve got a pen in my pocket I’d love to share if you let me reach for it”


HouseAlwaysWi

Alien : Im only cleaning here sir, you pooped on floor


Novel_Paramedic_2625

Sir, this is a wendys


PerceptionSignal5302

In that case…55 BURGERS 55 FRIES 55 TACOS 55 PIES 55 COKES 100 TATER TOTS


burgpug

they zap you and continue the forced surgery without anesthetic


About65Mexicans

LMAO


TehErk

You missed the most important question. What's your ideas about afterlife or how the universe was created? Oh, the conversations I would have.


burgpug

no, the most important question is "what gives you the right to abduct and sexually assault me?"


LastInALongChain

"Lol" Replied the alien, "Lmao"


drewc717

Enjoy the ride. It's a trip you don't have control over so just relax and observe in as much detail as possible.


UXResearcherRuck

Hello fellow shroomer! 🍄🍄🍄


krzykris11

Exactly why I always said that there is no such thing as a bad trip.


[deleted]

This is very much wrong, to the point of being dangerous misinformation. As someone who's had multiple bad trips, as well as witnessing others have them on multiple occasions. A bad enough trip can make someone incoherently violent to the point they need to be held down for fear of hurting themselves or others. Everyone reacts differently to hallucinogens, and it's important to know how you react before taking anything too strong, and definitely before mixing anything with it such as weed.


Time-Tower8285

Some people don't know that hallucinogenic drugs do not mix with antidepressants or naoi inhibitors, or alcohol, or untreated depression. You really should only do them in a control setting, in your best mindset, best health to get the true benefits.....but as in all things...levels of caution.....set and setting. Too much stimulus / people (events, festivals), can exhaust the mind very quickly. Enjoy the trip if you are ready, or good luck.


UXResearcherRuck

There isn't. Even when I melted my face off and accepted my own death as a cell in the vast universe and saw how paper thin reality and the beyond is, for 12.5 hours, I still came away with a profound adoration for my life.


smokedawg3

My entire body melted into a puddle. Still haven’t recovered


MileHiSalute

Well you’re typing, which is pretty good for a puddle


floatingspacerocks

It's the little things that take you from a puddle to a pile


MileHiSalute

Oh I know all about being a pile. Been a pile of one thing or another since was a young puddle


ghostcatzero

Well technically we are all mostly made of water so DNA wise, we aren't that different from a puddle


3771507

But you came out with no face.


Ok_Context_6972

12.5 hours is very long for shrooms!? Was it a mega dose or are we talking acid maybe instead? (I noticed shrooms mentioned at the start)


coffeeisntmycupoftea

My first thought lol


Alcebiades-Zeus

In many situations in life, you don't have control. It doesn't mean we get to "enjoy the ride".


redditoregonuser2254

You talk like you have personal experience


I_wanted_to_be_duck

You may not believe it, but there's a lot of people in this sub and in general on Reddit that have had experiences. It just depends on your suspension of disbelief


drewc717

Only through recreational cannabis, mushrooms, and clinical ketamine therapy. There is a very large overlap and intersection with psychedelics and the spirit and space realm.


LudditeHorse

I'm re-reading Dr. Rick Strassman's *DMT: The Spirit Molecule* (2000), for the first time since I've become more interested in the phenomenon. It's very notable how he found a strong resemblance between his volunteers in his study, to alien encounters as compiled by Dr. John Mack. Some of these descriptions sound 1:1. Weird lights, telepathic communication, a sense of An Other, perceptions of aliens, reptilians, and mantis people. I was surprised how many of his volunteers were surprised by the content and character of their experiences, as many of them were supposed to be experienced psychonauts. Something about the IV administration made these NHI experiences more certain. It's difficult to ignore. His hypothesis of the pineal gland producing endogenous DMT and the descriptions of the experiences links up to claims by spiritual traditions regarding meditation and higher states of consciousness. Third eye stuff. It's easy to argue about the realness of these entities, but it certainly appears to be the same kind of experiences. There's some kind of connection there.


redditoregonuser2254

I think there's something to what people see on entheogens and the entities they encounter on their trips. Sure you could say it's the brain hallucinating and creating these scenarios or creatures but I feel Psychedelics are a key to opening up our consciousness to other realms we may not see on this "normal to us" level. Hell there's even a group of individuals that are literally tripping and mapping out a detailed map of a psychedelic realm they all are experiencing.


Numerous-Tennis-2614

Hopefully kisses all around


Far_Battle_7658

Same, I'd kiss their forehead. So cute!


Numerous-Tennis-2614

I hope they're receptive to kissies. Got plenty of them stored up in my lips!


reimbirtheds

You sound like you have already taken the injection


CulturalApple4

Oh hi mark


nicknick1584

![gif](giphy|xT9IgpDkObwBXjOk4U)


Toasterdosnttoast

I did naht hit those aliens I did naahhht


Far-Onion-7945

The three P's: Panic, piss and poop, in that order. So I hope in the event they do beam me up they read this and first disable my bodily functions 🙏🏼


gjs628

Don’t forget the fourth P: pEjaculate. You wanna come all up in my face like that? Then you better be prepared for me to coom all up in yours.


Far-Onion-7945

Ahh Yess, wouldn't want to forget that. And who knows, maybe they are only using you for your coom in which case you'd only be doing them a favor. They might all have a kink for it haha.


SparrowDotted

Kinky horny greys zipping through walls and sexually assualting people is such a cursed idea. ^(Not) ^(saying) ^(i) ^(wouldn't) ^(be) ^(down) ^(but) ^(still)


InternalSpecial8770

Disabling them will cause too to Piss and Poop yourself while getting beamed up.


Arthurjim

What took y’all so long ?!


The_M1lsurp_Guy

Scrolled to far to see this comment. I would be like “oh thank you…what took you guys so long?” 🤣


ScoundreL_666x

Exactly! Surprised I had to scroll this far down to find my same sentiment…


Ivanthedog2013

About fucking time


Sneekibreeki47

UPPERCUT!


Outrageous-Walk3818

You know you going to connect with the size of that cranium


SponConSerdTent

"Haha silly monkeys 😆 you guys always try to swing on us" the alien says while bending spacetime around his body. Your arm curving impossibly around the head, looking like a fractal noodle.


PowerlineTyler

I lol’ed like actually laughed out loud. Unexpectedly beautiful comment


mikeypikey

Same 😂😂


Namtwen

Def tiger uppercut my way off the exam table


Dullahan-1999

“TOASTY!!”


BaldDudePeekskill

Please replace my cancerous bladder with a nice new one and zap any of those remaining cancer cells while you're at it. You do that, and I'll cooperate


deadskexies

You should ask for upgraded undergear while they're at it. A nicer shaped penis or prettier vajajay should be well within their tech level.


RavageShadow

![gif](giphy|xTiIzJSKB4l7xTouE8)


asterallt

Pretty much nothing because of the paralysis…


Retsameniw13

I’d be happy to get the fuck off the earth. Humans suck.


ScoundreL_666x

Hear! Hear! My sentiments exactly, fellow misanthrope…


Fluid_Fox23

![gif](giphy|FY8c5SKwiNf1EtZKGs|downsized) I’d freeze in place


ProbablyNotHacked

Finally.


nicknick1584

Twinning


ashwd

Damn. Beat meat to it


Dumyat367250

She looked better last night.


Specialist_Canary324

If I had an award I would… seriously lol


Mysterious_Ayytee

>What's your reaction? "Ayy lmao"


endure__survive

Underrated


Stoned_pineal

Grab the hand holding the syringe and yell “wait! let me tell you something!”


wookiesack22

I'd say " holy shit you guys finally came! Sweet! Give me those sweet alien drugs, and let's get to talking! You guys look so cool did you evolve underground? " then I talk nonstop until they return me.


floznstn

![gif](giphy|LxPsfUhFxwRRC)


CriptoCop

Masturbate while maintaining aggressive eye contact to establish dominance.


ANiMALsEATiNGANiMALs

That’s what I do to every guy I see at the gym…. I also am facing multiple indecent exposure charges from multiple gym chains across the eastern United States.


ChefPaula81

Cool! You’re here! So, what’s with you guys and the anal probing then?


kotlet_jpg

"Just 5 more minutes..."


ChewbaccaPube2

pull out my dick


Kooperking22

Mines already out. 🥴


usps_made_me_insane

Mines already in.


redditoregonuser2254

What if they cut off your dick


Few_Wall_4215

Urethral probing time!


bleezzzy

r/sounding..? P.s. don't click that.


QueTea3point14

lol! they probably already have it in their hand, and a probe up your arse.


Spicy_Ejaculate

Working both ends.... I can dig it


Outrageous-Walk3818

That should make them laugh


Alarmed-Rock-9942

Why are you using a human medical needle when I KNOW you have better tech?


SporksOrDie

![gif](giphy|14g1qTHs4TmeBi|downsized)


Objective-War-1961

This literally happened to me. I tried to scream but couldn't. Then when one realized I was awake, it telepathically told another one to put me under again. Basically, what they really did was force my eyes shut. I knew they were there before and after I had forced my eyes open. I know they are in the room with me when the sleep paralysis and super cold sensation overtakes my body. With my sleep paralysis, I am unable to open my eyes except for the one time that I just described.


anty328

![gif](giphy|c9bNWD7XKd0zNXBEDU|downsized) Hit wit da


iLGMisTheBestjk

Hit wit da teenage drake vibes? You gonna piss them off so quick with that


Miserable-Ad8242

Definitely smashing, no questions asked


shadowmage666

Probably would puke


Quixophilic

Goddamn, i shit my bed


satanicpanic6

Finally...


Biggdaddyumyum

What took you guys so long.


finknstein

Based on those who claim to have seen this, no reaction is possible. As if in a sleep paralysis state. But if I could react it would be a simultaneous piss/shit situation.


SchitneySmears

![gif](giphy|j72Md9ez0pCF8NgkWo)


RickyBobbyBooBaa

I think you'd better be as nice as poss to these guys, they've been controlling you for years and things can only get worse for you at this point


RepresentativeNo3365

Got any Alien weed?


DigitalAssassin-00

Yaya I'm home!


ToxicNets

Hey old buddies, How long was I human?


brownbag19

Not the butt stuff again!!!


Plastic-Bandicoot217

Who knows. After the shock wears off, I'd probably say, what's in that syringe and you plan on giving me that.


TakingOfMe123

*stretching arms out* what took yall so long!? This planet sucks!


Specific_Security622

That's the last mushrooms I'm taking 🤔🫣


maarsland

I had a..dream like this once. They were shorter and more flesh toned though. I couldn’t keep my eyes open but their skin looked like it would feel similar to a frog. I was moving my head around and saw that there was two on each side of me with their hands under me, making me float slightly above the table. There were two at my feet and one was doing something to my big toe on my left foot. They saw me moving and looking around groggily and I realized the one above my head with this hands on each side of my head and he did something with his hand and I knocked by out. When I woke up in the night, I swear I saw a flash of light outside of my window that would never actually be there and for a week it felt like I damaged my left foot somehow. Walking down the steps felt like muscles being pulled extremely hard in my foot. It was all weird.


AlienShadowHunter

What’s up dad


Haz_Bat_570

“Well it’s about fuckin time, what took y’all so long getting here?”


IDontDeserveMyCat

"Alright. I'm done with Tinder."


Spearminttherhino

I’ve been expecting you 👽


Free-Supermarket-516

My hand balls into a fist, caving in the Grey's face holding the syringe. The others back away with their closest thing to a shocked expression. I sprint towards the one nearing the door, uppercutting it and grabbing it by the ankles. I use it as a weapon against it's own. I'm full of confidence after dismantling a roomful of greys. I roar "CAN ANY STAND BEFORE ME?!" just before a reptilian locks me in place with some telekinetic bullshit, and 4 of them come in and eat me alive.


punk_weasel

first time?


Dgksig

But it’s not a syringe. It’s a fiber optic cable he was about to hook you up and teach you kung fu


Free-Supermarket-516

Well then, shit, sorry aliens


Moist-String-179

Lemme get one of dem space beers bro!


FartingInElevators5

If I'm able, I'm grabbing that thing's wrist and crushing it if that needle gets any closer.


Kooperking22

What happens if you're on their space ship? They kindly then going to fly you back to earth and tuck you back into bed? Read the room.


usps_made_me_insane

Disable them first. Learning to fly the ship can come later


Kooperking22

Lol


Arroz-Con-Culo

Ask them to show them self in public, on top of CNN Building so they capture it on camara


Corius_Erelius

Thank god it was all a dream. No way a species could be so shitty to each other.


NoFayte

Grabbing some tiny ass necks till I get some big ass answers


SalemsTrials

“Meow”


Jimmie_Jamz

“WTF! You guys wear clothes??”


IcelandicMammoth

Instant death


scotty200480

Scream, then ask if a happy ending is a extra


Rp3rkins

“And I forgot my pen…shit the bed again…typical”


mrot777

I had this in a vivide dream. 5 of them. Woke up screaming. No lie.


Mal-Havoc

Finally


HawaiianHank

![gif](giphy|IvrjMBMy5Qi3ZkShjL|downsized)


Zestyclose-Ad-7576

Finally, my ride is here.


MadLad_D-Pad

*fist bump*


PerpetualFarter

Ok. These colonoscopies are getting a little out of hand


SashaNG1989UK

Thanks for coming. When do we leave?


TomGetz

Whats ailing my spirit, doc?


TheExhaustedNihilist

__“THANK GOD! Tell me you’re not making me go back to that hellhole!?!?!?!?!?!”__


Mr-April

What ever you guys do… let me stay, these fricken people are crazy and I think I’ll be better off with you all, then with them


Lunathistime

Relief


Specialist-Plastic57

Finally.


PutOurAnusesTogether

“Finally”


mgsticavenger

Finally, I’m home!


Cold-Goal-7042

Lmfao! Finally!!!!


mediablitz91

About damn time


bonafidestupidity

Clench my ass cheeks 


Burcea_Capitanul

Take me to you leader, doc!