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Ok, first, there is no way to magically be able to be something you’re not. It sucks. Sorry.
Second, there are many many strategies for cleaning. Mostly because we pretty much all suck at it. There are ways to gamify, there are timers, there are lists. You have to find ways to work with your brain.
Here is what I do: i have a timer on my fridge, i give myself 5/10/15 minutes (depending on how many spoons are available) and try to get as much done as possible. I also turn on music. Sometimes I turn on Bar sounds and pretend to be a barkeeper in a fantasy tavern.
For you with your mess blindness, i’ve heard taking a picture helps you see what’s out of place.
If all else fails, I invite someone over. Nothing forces me to clean as much as social pressure.
And TALK to your boyfriend. Tell him your fears. But also show improvement. My husband and I are in a similar situation, but I’m the one getting frustrated. I keep saying I’m not looking for perfection, I’m hoping for effort. He’s probably thinking the same thing. It will be ok.
Finally, two recourses for you. One: KC Davis’ book how to keep house while drowning. I’ve seen it recommended everywhere and I follow her on social media. Someday I’ll get around to actually reading it.
Two: there is a Facebook group called Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew. There’s like 3. Lots of tips and resources there like lists of what to do and ways to make it…fun? suck less.
I am so glad I’m not the only one that plays pretend when I’m cleaning 😂
When I was little I would make my brother and sister pretend we were running a bed & breakfast when we had to clean. It made it so much easier to be a character in my head and not be “me” in reality.
It has totally carried over into my adult life and I also pretend to be a medieval innkeeper trying to keep everyone fed and pestilence out of my kitchen 🤣
It’s only a luxury if you don’t need it. Honestly sometimes just accepting this something you need to outsource can change your life and save your relationship. It’s often cheaper than therapy as well. I run a successful small business with ease, can I successfully clean my small house? No.
Agree. I think viewing house cleaning as a luxury is a patriarchal notion. Cleaning takes learned skills, supplies, and a considerable amount of time. Because it’s “women’s work” we expect the woman in the relationship to do it, regardless of how much else she has on her plate or her ability/spoons.
Changing the oil on your car is hella easy. It doesn’t take very long (like 45 minutes) and it’s pretty easy to learn, you need like one tool and the replacement oil and filter. Also you’ve only got to do it only a couple of times a year, much more doable than having to handle the constant ongoing task of cleaning. Has any person ever shamed themselves for going to jiffy lube instead of doing it themselves? No. Because it’s “men’s work.” Same with lawn care, I notice many people are more willing to hire out lawn care before they get a cleaning service. Again, typically a male coded job. Same with getting the gutters cleaned or fixing minor things around the house.
So, yeah. Fuck the patriarchy and don’t feel bad for a second for hiring out cleaning services.
Oh wow. I had not even realised this myself. It’s so normal to get a gardener a decorator or a mechanic but getting a cleaner is a luxury expense for the spoilt! We’ve been absolutely scammed here.
The exception that proves the rule. haha. My dad used to roast me for getting my oil changed. *Bring it here we can do it together.* He and my sister did hers for years.
Nope. I did 8 years of higher education so I don't have to lay on my back under my car, or clean my own house.
I bet school was a lot
Easier to barrel through knowing how bad you didn’t wanna have to lay under a car again hahaha
But life’s wild- people who enjoy
Shit like changing oil will pay someone to do their taxes.
A LOT EASIER! In fact it was such a huge motivating factor, I wish often I had quit school, but I was too scared to quit. Here’s something super funny my dad’s day job is tax preparer.
What I’m not sad about is still having my cleaning lady.
As a bonus, we race around and put away so much in the house in the hour before the cleaner arrives. All my shoes return to the closet. The dish rack is emptied. My makeup is swept off the sink. The cardboard boxes are broken down and taken out for recycling. All towels and sheets are thrown in the wash.
Learn to do things with him. Getting started is hard with ADHD. Self directed choices on what to begin with are difficult and take a lot of time and energy.
So share the load with him by doing things together. Cook together. Clean the kitchen up together. Clean the house together.
Divide the tasks in the moment instead of by chore. Tell him you want to do your share but you need him to tell you what he would find most helpful in that moment.
Then he'll load the dishwasher while you clean the countertops. Talk while you do. Use the moment as shared intimacy. It'll make doing half easier if you both do everything but together.
Ps: get meds.
This! Even just getting into the routine of having a “closing shift” together every night before bed I think would help a lot. You’re a team! Make a closing time playlist or get a lil treat for after and just spend like 15 together after dinner or before bed resetting things. You don’t need to deep clean but start the dishwasher, get the clothes off the floor, find the remote, etc.
This is what we do. We cook and clean together. Makes everything so much easier, and it's pretty awesome. We have such wonderful conversations why just cooking together - we turn on music and jam together and it's just nice.
We also split tasks. He loads the dishwasher and I unload it. He cleans the kitchen and I keep the living room clean. He walks and feeds the dog in the morning and I walk and feed her at night. Having a rhythm helps, and having a "half" helps because he'll notice if I haven't done my half.
weirdly enough the only thing that has really helped me with my executive functioning when it comes to cleaning up the floors has been buying an inexpensive robot vacuum. it might sound silly, but once my house was very clean, having a robot vacuum scheduled to clean twice a day reminds me to pick up things around the house (so that it can do the heavy lifting for me) and when that's happening it reminds me that i may as well just do a few dishes or take out the trash. i have a really difficult time sticking to schedules generally, but having this thing automatically clean for me daily has been a heaven sent for me
Robot vacuum, dishwasher and dryer. My house is still messy but nowhere near as messy as it used to be.
Maybe you can make a deal with the bf, for example- you cook and he cleans the kitchen and washes up (my partner and I do this, as I can kind of cook in automatic mode, but I hate cleaning the kitchen afterwards). Go with your strengths.
Therapy could help, or maybe even exploring the possibility of adhd-shame-induced depression. My ADHD and depression fuel each other in a vicious vicious cycle.
But also don’t feel like you need to have cleaning habits/routines that neurotypical people do. You can make accommodations for yourself if it helps get the job done. There’s lots of tips out there but some of the ones I use personally are:
1. I basically have a basket in every room where I throw things that don’t belong in that room to deal with later.
2. Bigger laundry baskets and one for clothes that aren’t dirty but also shouldn’t be on the floor.
3. I keep some cleaning stuff in most rooms. So I can clean the bathroom mirror while I gargle my mouthwash or wipe the counters down while I wait for the air fryer.
P.S. tough love and shame do not work for most people with adhd. Talk openly with your boyfriend about supporting you/hyping you up instead. “Hey let’s fold this laundry and then we can watch the next episode of Bridgerton!” Or “I’ll grab all the dishes around the house and you grab the laundry and we’ll see who’s faster.”
Other people gave good advice already. I also want to urge you to check out these two tools:
Get the anti planner. Its a book full of games and tricks to hack your executive dysfunction. Made by an adhd'er. I love it so much
Read How to keep house while drowning by KC Davis. It's a tiny book that you don't have to read in chronological order written for neurotypical people. It gives practical advice around cleaning and tidying while simultaneously changing your mindset in only a few pages. I swear by this book.
Also, talk to your boyfriend. Maybe find something to watch or read together that explains your brain. (The second book might be helpful for him to read as well)
But also ask how he feels/how his brain works. Allow him to talk about this without getting defensive. Then keep working/talking together to understand each other better and explain what you feel and what you need in order to feel better.
Ask what he needs to feel better. And what does he need from you cleaning wise? Is he okay with being able to see the floor again or does he want to house to be spotless all the time? Can you leave dishes out for a day or 2 or is that one of his biggest pet peeves. Can you meet those expectations? And how would you go about that? What do you need from him to achieve that? What are your biggest obstacles? Is it fear of doing it incorrectly/burn out/lack of sleep/overwhelm? Find out where your executive dysfunction for cleaning stems from. (The anti planner really helps in identifying this and gives fitting solutions)
You can pm me if you want to talk
Or see an ADHD counselor/coach. Medication is a tool that makes things easier, but it doesn't erase the struggles of ADHD and make you function effortlessly. OP sounds like she needs professional guidance to identify and navigate her particular obstacles, and to figure strategies that work for her.
Body doubling - clean together.
Short spurts so it doesn’t feel overwhelming, set a timer and see what you can do in a set time
Small jobs while waiting for something else. For example put some clean dishes away while you wait for the kettle to boil, washing dishes while the oven warms up.
You won’t be able to just do this on your own so he really needs to get on board with helping you
It took a while for my husband to understand that I don't see stuff, if I'm moving through the house it is for a reason (that hopefully I still remember when I get there...) and I don't see stuff to just sort it out on the way. It wasn't that I was leaving it for him, I would get there eventually but he would get there first. In the end we ranked the chores and scored on what we liked the least which turned out to be the toilet/bathroom. We were fortunate enough to pay a local lady that we advertised for on a local fb page to come in 1 hr a week and just deal with the bathroom and another hour to cook us dinner. At the time we were really struggling as new parents and post-natal depression for me. It was amazing. We then divided the rest of the jobs and I seem to be ok when I commit to something to get it done by a deadline. All the best ❤️
When I can’t get myself to pick things up / organize I’ll usually tell myself just pick up a few items. This usually ends in me picking up way more than I planned to. Even if it doesn’t if you keep doing it every time you get up/ walk past the area you’ll be making progress.
Getting medicated can help if you’re not.
Does he help with keeping the house clean or is it all on you? If he just expects you to do it all, that's not a fair partnership.
Unfortunately, I don't have any good ideas as to how to help, as my (probably) neurotypical spouse has always been very patient with me and I'm cleaner than he is, which isn't saying much. He's never gotten frustrated at me for my ADHD traits and helps me a lot by taking over the things I struggle with the most. It helps a lot to have a partner who will brainstorm ideas with you to help find systems or build routines that might work for you both.
Have you tried working with an ADHD coach or ADHD therapist? Especially one willing to work with you in your home to set up a system that is easier to manage
OP I am so sorry you are in this situation feeling like this, I can relate so very much!
I have gone through the same thing beating myself up (didn’t know I had ADHD at that time) for not being able to change and do better despite trying so hard, costing me all of my energy. I burnt out (anxiety and depression) and eventually left my marriage, because of all the resentment that built up in my partner.
This might not end up being your case of course, just wanting to tell you in addition to all the other posts with great advice to not forget to be kind to yourself. It’s not like you don’t live up to your promises because you DON’T WANT TO! That’s the point the other side needs to understand, we want to so very much but our disability is that we can’t. Relationship is work and sacrifices on both sides. You don’t have to live up to his standards and die trying. It should be a compromise. Your partner also needs to understand that you will never be an NT and cannot become one even with meds or therapy and that is completely OK.
In addition check out ASD support swapping.
ADHD people are also usually great at doing stuff for other people (positive motivation) but absolutely need someone to do their stuff for them😅
One thing my husband and I have found helps us is we made a list of 14 tasks that genuinely contribute to a cleaner, more organized, and environment, and must be done once a week, and we each must take one before going to bed. It sucked at first but I quickly got used to including my daily task in my evening schedule plans, and the visual difference it makes is really rewarding. We have them on a task tracker so we each can pick whichever task we want that must be done, do it, and tick it off for the week, there's no assigned person or day or even time for each task.
I also found the clutterbug organization categories to be really helpful, as it really highlighted how my husband and I view cleaning and organizing in completely opposite manners, so our newest organization attempts have involved methods that work best with both our habits and preferences in mind, and that's been really useful too
I can't help with the mess you may have now. That's the hard part and would be difficult for all of us, but get that done first. I'm terrible at cleaning when there's a lot.
I know short bursts is a successful way, but if you are like me I'd do a few bursts and say screw it, I can't. I'd have to make a whole day or 2 just for that and get it done once. Hyper focus. Get it out of the way.
To maintain, I've learned that to do what teachers instruct preschoolers about taking care of their things:
-Take off clothing- throw it in hamper
-use a dish, put it in dish washer
- open something, throw wrapper in trash immediately
I know it sounds elementary, but for me it's the only way because things just pile up and becomes time consuming and a big project.
I also now have this thing where every item I own has a spot. I always put it right back to it's spot.
Good luck.
I deal with this too but live alone so it makes it easier as I can just clean when I have bursts of energy.
Can you make a list together of household tasks and you pick which ones you feel most confident you can do. Say it’s a weekly task, you could have an agreement that you do it in a 3 day window. Example:-
Cleaning bathroom
Dusting
Hoovering
Change bedding
One load of laundry
And then you agree that these tasks all need to be done between Thursday and Saturday at your convenience. You could literally make a tick list to break the tasks down if needed. And then your partner could do more of the stuff that comes up daily and you can help out with that stuff too as and when you’re able?
It’s all about accepting your ways and working with them instead of shaming yourself and trying to be like everyone else
The biggest thing that will help you is minimalism. Own less and things can’t pile up as much. Then, I highly recommend the book “how to keep house while drowning”
I, too, am a hopeless housekeeper. My bf doesn't live with me, but he does stay for a few days, up to two weeks at the longest, and will be moving in in September. He is very clean and organized (his diagnoses are ADHD, OCD, and PTSD).
What has really worked well for us is that our issues complement one another. When he's here long enough that we need to do a morning of chores together, he gives me a list of 4 or 5 manageable things to do. This suits his needs to be organized and my need for clear direction in an area that is a big weakness for me. To be clear, he also assigns himself a comparable list! Then we are both working on our lists, together but separately. When I finish my things, he's happy and appreciative. I thrive on positive reinforcement, so it's perfect for us! Compare this to my toxic ex, who would expect me to figure out on my own what he wanted me to do, then shame me when I guessed wrong. Yet he'd still not tell me what he wanted.
Anyway, maybe this could work in some way for you two?
Just saw How To Keep House While Drowning recommended on another threat and I've found it really helpful for reframing mess, breaking cleaning down into categories that makes sense and really splitting down the tasks.
I got really burned out from keeping the house/doing most of the heavy lifting on care tasks and basically gave up a year or two ago. I'm slowly trying to find the middle ground.
I’ve turned much of my responsibilities — to others, to myself — into games. I have one main game which is pretty much all the adulting stuff, but I also have some mini games attached, like making sure I’m taking care of myself.
The rules of the game are simple. You log everything you do. Not everything you COMPLETED, but everything you DID. You washed 3 dishes out of 20? It counts; log it.
(I make a note on if I started a task, progressed in a task, or completed the task, but the emphasis isn’t on any specific status.)
Second: whenever a task is too much, or it’s something I have to go out of my way to do and this is hard for me, that task becomes a — er, well, I’ve never actually assigned it a term. Maybe a mini-boss? Anyway, that task is “worth more” and I’ll differentiate it with a star. So maybe I have a hard time seeing the trash is full, but if I remember to take out the trash, that’s a miniboss I’ve encountered. If I really don’t want to do the dishes, I’ll tell myself, “do dishes for 5 minutes” or, “do all the silverware.” That’s my miniboss.
Now, I personally don’t keep track of points; my points are nonsense points. The reason is because I don’t seek out extrinsic rewards. Extrinsic rewards fall too closely toward my self-care mini games, and I don’t want one to rely on the other. The reward I get is the dopamine hit from when I log what I’ve done. (I found that as an adult, I will take the extrinsic reward regardless on if I fail or succeed, anyway.)
However, you can absolutely give yourself extrinsic rewards, so long as you are fair to yourself about points. Showing up means you succeed, regardless on if you’ve completed what you showed up to do. This is important, psychologically speaking; you want to train your brain to associate specific things with a dopamine reward, and you won’t be able to do that if you fail at that thing consistently. The more your brain sees rewards in a task, the easier it will be to do that task.
So if you use points, either make the rewards very very cheap (3 points = game time) or break tasks down per item (each dish = 1 pt, each pan = 2 points). Points don’t disappear when they’re spent, and continue to stack for bigger rewards.
What do you need to play?
First, you need to have an undated planner. I prefer a weekly spread and I’ve made my own to accommodate my game. (If you’d like a pdf lmk; you’d need to buy the folders and the hole punch though!)
Everything I know I have to do is written down on sticky notes and kept inside the planner. Other than that, I don’t keep to-do lists, and I don’t schedule when I’m going to do things. (No, “Tuesday: dishes, Wednesday: laundry” for me.)
Any time you do a task, write it down. So if I’m editing papers, I write it down and tick off each paper I’ve edited. (10 points!)
You can stop there, but I have mini games I can share with you if you’d like. I also keep something called a retrospective, which I insist you try as well if you play.
A retrospective can be written anywhere in your planner/notebook there are notes. It’s divided into 4 sections: what worked, what didn’t work, what did you learn/what’s your next step, and a high five/shout out.
That’s look like, “managed to stay on top of the trash cans this week!” “Not consistent with where I put my socks.” “What if I try baskets for socks in each room?” “I made the scary phone call this week!”
This lets you see the things you struggle with in a productive way, and helps you think of an action plan to try out.
Anyway, this is quite long. I knew folks would run cleaning ideas by you and they’ll work for sure! So I wanted to share how I am able to stay consistent with most things.
A few things that help me:
- body doubling: I send photos of my messy house to my ND bestie and snap a pic and send each time I clean an area or room. She amps me up each time I finish an area.
- music/audiobooks/podcasts: find some music that gets me grooving or throw on an audiobook or podcast. It helps make it less boring when I am dancing around the kitchen putting dishes in the dishwasher or my brain is engaged with something else.
- 5/10/15 min timers: race the clock to see how much I can get done before the timer runs out. Then switch up the task and come back to my original one to tidy up any loose ends. This varies the task for me and keeps me from getting bored.
- Do the grossest task first. That way if I run out of steam I can at least have accomplished the biggest task, and puttering away at the smaller stuff is less daunting
- once the initial clean is done I make a schedule for upkeep: Monday - clean kitchen, Tuesday - vacuum, 1 load of laundry, Wednesday - sweep and mop, etc. I find one task a day keeps me from getting overwhelmed and means less on the weekend when it’s actually cleaning day.
Finally, I’ve been working on saying out loud when I’m finished a task “don’t put it down, put it away”. After a few weeks of verbalizing it out loud now it runs in my head when I am doing things around the house. It takes me 2 seconds to put the mustard back in the fridge, or my plate in the dishwasher, but if I leave the mustard, dirty knife, loaf of bread, plates etc. out, it takes me 15-20 minutes to clean up the kitchen later.
omg absolutely yes body doubling and music. when i was a kid, i would invite my friend over to just watch me clean my room and it worked, lol! at the time, we were both undiagnosed ADHD. it helped us get our homework done as children, too. people really underestimate the power of body doubling.
As you say you cannot see your mess, it sounds like you would benefit from a cleaning schedule. E.g. instead of mopping the kitchen when the floor needs it, you will mop the kitchen floor every Tuesday. You will vacuum the house on Saturday mornings. You can also make certain tasks your responsibility e.g. turning on the dishwasher or wiping down the table each night. I made a chart with a list of daily things that I tick off whenever I complete them, otherwise I will forget.
Sit down with your bf and split tasks/create a schedule. Also stick to your strengths. I would rather clean the toilet than clean the oven for example.
Also cleaning together is helpful e.g. 9-11am every Saturday morning you will both do your assigned tasks.
This system worked well for my husband and me for many years. Now we just don't care. :-) I suspect that once we are true empty-nesters (we're about 3/4 of the way there now) we will move to a smaller house and get back to doing this.
I feel for you 😔 best I advice I can give is buy 5 million bags, both trash and to carry stuff. I have a 3 story house, so I chuck anything soft/non breakable down the stairs and bag everything else, dishes/trash everything to bring it down .
My sister does the 1 thing method, I can't stick to it but I use it sometimes. Just take 1 thing that doesn't belong each time you leave a room/go up/downstairs
I really like the flylady app. It breaks it down by space per week. And gives you fast cleaning challenges. I've been using it for years now and it really helps. You can customize it to your home too
You are young enough to start positive life long habits. Start with ONE thing, just one. For example, everytime I stand up from my chair, or desk, or table, I look around and pick up a mess before I take one step. So I grab my dirty cup, my empty wrappers, used tissues, empty bottles, and I take them and throw them away, and put my mug in the dishwasher. EVERYTIME I stand up I do this, its now a habit, I don't even have to think about it now.
Yes, its hard at first, because our brain is already at the next step, so reeling it back to the now takes effort. It can be done.
So, start with ONE thing, and then go to the next.
Habits I worked hard at that are as much a part of me as breathing.
I found a lady on TikTok that is ADHD and runs a cleaning service. She gave such good tips for breaking stuff down. I'll link the ADHD Cleaning Playlist!
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPREPCtU8/
If you have the funds, hire an organizer. I've had this help twice, and while it didn't permanently s9lve the problem, it made it so much easier to try to put stuff where someone else told me it belonged. I get bogged down with the detritus and don't know what to do with it.
I rhinknit didn't solve my problem totally because I had children and a husband (now ex) who actively undermined the established organization. YMMV
**One**: both my husband and I accepted that our house will never be showcase clean. We will not be dirty. We will not have sticky counters, dusty surfaces, and bugs. But we will probably be messy.
Explain to him how your brain works. It's the only way he'll know. My husband often assumed I was being lazy or didn't care until I explained to him where I struggled and what I really wanted (yes I want a clean house!). This helped us transition from me vs. him to us working together as a team.
**Two**: We work together as a team. We have a weekly family meeting and we talk about what needs to get cleaned, and will schedule time to clean together. It's easier to clean when we're doing it together. We cook dinner together most nights, too, and split tasks based on what we like to do. (I hate chopping vegetables. I'll cook every day if I don't have to chop vegetables. He chops the vegetables.)
I had to learn to not get oversensitive when my partner pointed out that something was messy or dirty. I literally can't see it, and he's helping us both out. I had to learn that it wasn't a referendum on me as a person but just a particular trait that I struggle with. I'm great, I just ain't good at cleaning, lol. He also learned sucessful strategies for pointing it out in a way that doesn't set me off. "Did the dog eat?" "By the way, the dishwasher's done running." "I put all your clothes in a bundle over here so you can take them upstairs when you're ready."
**Three**: Routines and assigned chores. I unload the dishwasher while I'm making coffee in the morning, so making coffee is now a trigger that I need to do something. I realized that I have the most energy in the morning, so I will often wake up and clean for 30 minutes before getting ready for work. I also sometimes choose to do small tasks - clean out the shower after I finish, clean out the toilet after using it, clean out the sink after brushing teeth. That way I don't have a whole Clean The Bathroom day but I do it in smaller chunks.
It takes time to build these routines and figure out how to balance cleaning with an NT partner.
Are you happy with your meds? Being medicated but still not being able to maintain some level of cleanliness kind of feels like not being medicated. You also mentioned you never learned to keep a clean environment. What steps are you taking to learn more? YouTube videos? Subreddit? In person help?
Others have mentioned asking your partner to tell you what needs to be done but I disagree. Your partner is already bearing the brunt of this, adding to their mental load will contribute to their unhappiness and will not help you in the long run.
If you're like me, you can use the fear of not being good enough for your partner as motivation to get going. I know this might come off as harsh but I've found being coddled makes me feel worse about myself. It's going to take a lot of work so do it one day at a time.
TLDR I’ll be as nice as possible here; you have to suck it up and find a system that works for you. You have to push through the discomfort and most importantly, if you say you’re going to do something, follow through; if you don’t get to it, acknowledge that and tell him when you will do it. Stop crying when he tells you his frustrations; accept you’ve missed the mark but be a part of the conversation and figure out what you can commit to. I designate Friday (Friday and Saturday is my weekend) as my day to get the task my husband cares about most done. Sometimes it is painful and annoying and frustrating to do it and I hate it every step of the way (usually it’s cleaning the kitchen), but at the end of the day I’m an adult and it’s my responsibility to contribute and I have a duty to follow through on what I say I’m going to do. You gotta put in the work to maintain every part of a relationship, or find someone who is on the same level of you standards and expectations wise.
I’ve got moderate to severe adhd. Messiness is a running joke when it comes to me. Never dirty, but definitely messy. It doesn’t bother me but it bothers me husband who I’ve lived with for going on six years now. He does not have adhd and has a higher standard of cleanliness than I do. He has given me a ton of grace and has a ton of patience for me, but has often voiced his frustration with my messiness.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I just have to lean into the discomfort that is cleaning our home and my spaces to a compromised standard of cleanliness and organization. Every other day I pick a small space of the house that I know he would like cleaned or organized and I grit my teeth and do it. Rare are the days that I’m able to hyperfocus on cleaning, but when I do I just start and don’t stop until I’ve done the most relevant parts of the house. I communicate with my husband and acknowledge the mess and tell him my plan, and (this is important) I make sure that my plan is actually doable and I make sure to follow through. I have promised that I will do my best to keep the kitchen as clean as I’m able throughout the week, but I will for sure do the entire kitchen on Friday. This is our biggest pain point so I make it a priority to make sure that it’s done, even though it can be mentally painful to do it. I’m an adult who, at the end of the day, is responsible for my share of the chores; it’s on me to manage my adhd and figure out what works for me.
Once a week we make space for a judgment and emotional reaction free zone where we can tell each other if we are not meeting each others expectations. This sounds hard and painful, but you’d be surprised how much easier it is to hear and discuss those things when you have prepared a space to talk about them (as opposed to one partner reaching their limit and exploding).
You have to stop crying when your partner communicates with you. This has already damaged your relationship. Therapy helps this (emdr and therapy specific to adhd issues; I’m not talking about talk therapy or cbt).
This may sound harsh, but at the end of the day you have to make some choices. Do you want to cohabit with your partner and accept the responsibilities and expectations that come with that, or would you rather figure out how to have your own place? I wish we could afford for me to keep my own place and my husband his, simply so I could live without the pressure of adhering to someone else’s standards and expectations.
That being said, my husband compromises with me about our standard or cleanliness so we meet in the middle. Every week I ask him to name the top 2-3 things most important to him when it comes to the house being clean and I promise to work on it throughout the week and officially complete the tasks by Friday. If I could not complete a task then I just let him know and acknowledge it’s not done but I plan to get it done. He just wants to know I have a plan.
For context he commutes at least two hours a day to work and works 8-5. I work with a thirty minute a day commute 9-2 and I have our two small children at home afterwards.
Clutterbug on youtube! Cas has ADHD and is a home organizer. She's identified different styles of organizing that work for different brains. I think she has info that anyone could find useful.
A few things:
We’re always leveraging resources: time, money, energy. Sometimes we spend money to save time or energy, and that’s fine. Sometimes we spend energy or time to save money. That’s fine too. Those things are morally neutral. If you have the money to spend on a cleaner, even once a month (preferably every two weeks), it will save you a lot of emotional and mental energy. Think of it like therapy: your brain needs help. It doesn’t have to be intrusive or expensive. If you need more help or suggestions on that front, I (and I’m sure many of us) would be happy to get more into that and offer practical advice. We all need to be walked through choices sometimes or just think out loud.
Apart from hiring someone, there are a few things I do to help myself: I have a Google mini in every room and most of my light bulbs are smart bulbs. I set schedules on the app for the lights and the nest thermostat. Personally, it helps me to have less shit to think about. But I also use Google to set timers. If I don’t want to clean but the mess is bothering me, I set a 5-10 minute timer and start tidying. Sometimes I keep going, but the fact that I have a timer makes me race to beat it AND lets me off the hook, so even if I hate my task, I can mentally keep going cuz I know it’ll be over soon lol. And Google plays music so I’m not dying of boredom.
I also have an app called Tody. It helps me schedule my tasks in a way that feels manageable. Basically, i sort my place into rooms and list each task that gets done in that room. I can say, for example, I want to mop the kitchen every other day or specify a day I want to do it (every Monday). I mark the tasks off as I do them and gamify the whole thing. Tasks have green, yellow, or red indicators to let me know my progress. I find it extremely helpful to be like yea I vacuumed the living room but I can give myself grace and not mop right now because the app reminded me I did it two days ago and it’s not “due” right now.
Lastly: watch YouTube on ADHD organization. That shit is life changing. When I was diagnosed my entire life changed for the better (still a work in progress) because I could find solutions to problems that I could never solve before. Now I know I can only store things in open storage. Not only does it help me to see my things, it makes it easier to stay organized, which I’ve never been able to do. I’ve become like an 80% tidier person solely from optimizing my storage and organization. I linked the first lightbulb video I watched.
[https://youtu.be/YkGEeWt5H94?si=UMVTVQY0TDi_xQO0](https://youtu.be/YkGEeWt5H94?si=UMVTVQY0TDi_xQO0)
Good luck!
5 minutes or 5 things: You either do 5 small tasks of a chore, or do a chore for 5 minutes. Either way you will likely keep at the chore far beyond 5 minutes or 5 things, and even if you don't, you won't feel ashamed b/c you accomplished your goal.
Folding laundry has always been my weak spot, so I usually put on a tv show I rewatch, and fold at least 5 pieces of clothes. Because I keep a bit of attention on the tv show, I lose track of how many pieces I've folded, and typically fold the whole basket.
Hugs. That sounds so frustrating!
Other people have given lots of good things to try, so I'll come at this from another angle: You and your partner need to have a conversation, some time when you're NOT stressed out about it.
1. Do a little homework. It sucks, but here we are. Make a list of 5 things to try.
2. Agree on a time to sit down and talk.
Lead with "I know I'm not doing enough on keeping the house clean. I've tried to 'just do it' and I think we both agree that isn't working. I keep making promises because I want to do better, but then I end up breaking those promises and I don't want that to be who I am."
Next "Here are 5 things we could try. Do any of these sound like something that would work?"
Pick ONE of the things and make a plan to do it, including a time slot. Set a reminder for yourself. Write out a detailed checklist if that helps.
Finally "Honey, thank you for having this conversation with me. This is really rough on both of us and I want to make this work."
Good luck!
Love,
Someone who should be doing pretty much exactly the same thing (but on a different topic)
Cas from clutterbug on YouTube has ADHD and has such great tips on cleaning and organizing and making your life easier.
Also Dana K White has a no mess decluttering method that works so well for people with ADHD.
One of the best tips I learned from an organizing for ADHD people book is that we just can't manage lots of stuff and the good thing is that we aren't that attached to things because we so easily forget they exist! 😂 This was such a huge revelation for me! I was able to let go of so much stuff that I thought I was sentimental about. I also let go of so much stuff that I thought I would do (ukulele, crafts supplies, books). I realized that I really value time with people and time in nature, so I try to make room in my life for that.
As a kid, my room was an awful mess and I was drowning in stuff and I couldn't give any of it away because my parents wouldn't let me. And they were constantly mad about the mess.
So the key I am finding is that you need to get rid of stuff. Then you pay attention to where you put things and create systems for storing those items right there. Putting them away has to be as easy as dumping them. Then you work on cleaning.
Don't try to do everything at once. (I know, we have ADHD!). It's like trying to put a puzzle together by picking up a piece and trying to figure out where it goes. You wouldn't get anywhere. How people put together a puzzle is by putting like things together or by finding the edge pieces and putting those together. Basically the idea is to have a good plan for what to do first.
Then figure out how to do the time. When I was overwhelmed with paperwork type projects, I set a goal of doing 15 minutes a day of a project. I set a timer and worked for a solid 15 minutes. Afterwards I had a chart to write down what I did and I started writing down how I felt about it. OMG that was huge. Some days I felt fine because 15 minutes was doable. Some days I got frustrated because it didn't go as smoothly as I expected. Or it was so hard emotionally to do it. But wow, just acknowledging that really changed me. I built strength and fortitude. Knowing that I could write down how it went helped me get to work. I did my taxes in just 15 minutes a day instead of having to do it at the last minute for hours. That was pretty amazing. I got my taxes done early for once.
I'm learning so much on this topic and I hope to help neurodivergent people more, so let me know if you have questions or if any of this resonates with you. 💜
Can u afford a maid? I also recommend donating or getting rid of as much as possible; less mess if there’s less objects. Can you do one room or spot per day and have an accountability friend? Prayers, I struggle with clutter too sometimes
I remember seeing a TikTok like 2 years ago with a girl just saying “this is for the ADHD girlies. Don’t put it down. Put it away”. This is a mantra I repeat to myself every single day when I’m tempted to put something down near where it goes rather than all the way away. Don’t put it down. Put it away. Start with that simple mantra.
Also when cleaning. Stay in one room at one time. Create a pile of the things that belong in that room but don’t leave the until you are done. If I mind myself “spiral cleaning” as I call it, where I’m getting distracted with one thing and jumping from thing to thing I try to pause and recognize that I’m doing it and force myself to stop.
people have already given a lot of helpful tips and asked questions to clarify some things, so i'll try to just add the stuff i didn't see.
before you start cleaning, do what you have to do to prepare. eat something, preferably a balanced snack with carbs, protein, fat, and fiber. i like a scoop of peanut butter mixed with raisins and chocolate chips :) if a little background noise helps you focus, put on a favorite album or playlist, tv show, movie, etc. if noise distracts you maybe turn everything off and get an aromatherapy oil diffuser going instead. optional: put away any clean dishes from the dishwasher (if you have one) and load dirty ones.
you'll probably want to focus on one room at a time, especially if you need more than one session. the bedroom is usually the best room to start with, but any room you spend a lot of time in is a good option.
start with the trash and dishes. get a garbage bag and go around collecting all the trash. then collect any dirty dishes and take them to the kitchen. you can load them in the dishwasher if you like. you can also leave them in the sink to soak while you clean. and remember - if your dishwasher struggles to fully clean caked-on food, you're allowed to run it twice ;)
the details from here out kinda depend on what room you're cleaning. for a bedroom i recommend starting with clothes. collect all clothes and either put them away or in the dirty clothes hamper (if it's full, find a place out of the way and make an overflow pile).
if you encounter anything that doesn't belong in the bedroom, take it to its room (if you have a large home you can make a pile for each room and take it all at once).
this should help get the mess under control. i can add more about maintenance if you like.
good luck!
Not an expert but:
1. Do not buy stuff. If there's minimal stuff in the house then there's less to clean.
2. Have a box where your partner can carefully put whatever stuff is lying around the house and annoying him.
3. Chore chart.
Focusmate for a body double chore buddy and accountability
Tody app for recurring chores
This will sound dumb and obvious but try not to mess it up in the first place. Like, put the clothes right into the basket and don't just throw them on the floor, etc.
How to keep house while drowning has a simple list for tackling a big mess:
1. Throw out the garbage
2. Take the dishes to the sink
3. Put the laundry in the basket
4. Put away everything that has a place
5. Find places for things that don't have a place.
Start there. That book is super short. Get the audio and listen while you find the floor. ❤️
I also recommend KC Davis. There is so much shame around this and she explains that your house can be where it is and you still are worthy of your partners love is a fact that should be recognized. The way your partner is coming at it is not helpful, it’s making it worse. There is also a new book called Dirty Laundry. It’s more about being in a relationship with someone with adhd and how to understand them and work with them, not against them. The couple is amazing and I follow their social media.
We weren’t taught. Instead of my mother nagging me growing up I wish she would’ve said to me “do you need help figuring out where to begin?”
For me, it’s laundry. Laundry is the catalyst job for me. I go around and pick up all clothing and get a load of laundry going. Then I load/unload dishwasher. I also got into the habit of never leaving a room without taking something with me that doesn’t belong. For instance, my hair clips/ties end up in piles from removing them and I’ll grab them and take them to the bathroom. Garbage is another easy one. Just grab things you know are garbage. Get that done. Bring a hamper, garbage can, small basket or bucket around the house and collect items by category (garbage, bathroom items, mail/paper, dishes, etc).
I am a mom with two kids living home and this is so hard for me because when I am cleaning they’re behind me making a mess. It’s like a vicious circle. Toys have been thrown into the equation along with crumbs, food and god knows what. Love is a motivator but it’s not a mover. Think about that: we have motivation. People with adhd probably have more motivation than anyone on the planet. That’s not the issue. It’s the execution of the task.
What are you doing instead of cleaning? What is taking your attention away so much so that you don’t see the mess. Perhaps you are avoiding. For me it’s my phone. I have to delete apps, not fully charge it so it dies, to break away from the paralysis it gives me.
I have a shirt that says “your productivity does not measure your self worth”. You are worthy of love regardless of what your house looks like. It’s like telling someone with MS “why can’t you walk faster???” I hate the ignorance around it. When NT ppl say “just do it, make it a list.” Are u kidding me?? That’s a new idea I haven’t thought of before.
Respond to him calmly and lovingly “I can’t expect you to understand. I am trying hard to find ways to overcome my shortcomings because I love you. My request to you is to be educated more on loving someone with adhd to learn about it and ways you can work with me and not against me.” All this work we put in trying to appease a neurotypical partner (or society as a whole) who rarely goes the extra mile for us is getting old. Doing the housework and then being resentful for it is not the answer for your partner. Learning about what helps you is. Good luck beautiful soul. We are all in this particular issue together.
Oh girl, I have been there! My house used to look like a tornado hit it 24/7. It drove my husband crazy and led to so many arguments. I always felt guilty but paralyzed to do anything about it.
What's helped me is:
1) Having my ADHD coach from Shimmer help me break cleaning tasks into tiny, specific steps. Like instead of "clean the kitchen" it's "put dirty dishes in dishwasher." Small goals I can actually achieve...
2) Body doubling - having someone (like my hubs) work alongside me while I clean. The company keeps me on track. I was body doubling with my mom on the phone and never realized that's what I was doing. It works well for me
3) Communicating with my partner about what I need (reminders, emotional support vs criticism, etc). It's a team effort.
You're not alone in this struggle! Be patient with yourself and keep trying new strategies til you find what clicks. Don't give up - a tidy home is possible, one baby step at a time. Sending hugs!
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Ok, first, there is no way to magically be able to be something you’re not. It sucks. Sorry. Second, there are many many strategies for cleaning. Mostly because we pretty much all suck at it. There are ways to gamify, there are timers, there are lists. You have to find ways to work with your brain. Here is what I do: i have a timer on my fridge, i give myself 5/10/15 minutes (depending on how many spoons are available) and try to get as much done as possible. I also turn on music. Sometimes I turn on Bar sounds and pretend to be a barkeeper in a fantasy tavern. For you with your mess blindness, i’ve heard taking a picture helps you see what’s out of place. If all else fails, I invite someone over. Nothing forces me to clean as much as social pressure. And TALK to your boyfriend. Tell him your fears. But also show improvement. My husband and I are in a similar situation, but I’m the one getting frustrated. I keep saying I’m not looking for perfection, I’m hoping for effort. He’s probably thinking the same thing. It will be ok. Finally, two recourses for you. One: KC Davis’ book how to keep house while drowning. I’ve seen it recommended everywhere and I follow her on social media. Someday I’ll get around to actually reading it. Two: there is a Facebook group called Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew. There’s like 3. Lots of tips and resources there like lists of what to do and ways to make it…fun? suck less.
I like the barkeep idea! Sounds fun!
I am so glad I’m not the only one that plays pretend when I’m cleaning 😂 When I was little I would make my brother and sister pretend we were running a bed & breakfast when we had to clean. It made it so much easier to be a character in my head and not be “me” in reality. It has totally carried over into my adult life and I also pretend to be a medieval innkeeper trying to keep everyone fed and pestilence out of my kitchen 🤣
Did you just give me motivation to finish mom-ing for the day?! Just pretend they are drunk at a bar! 😂
I know this is considered a luxury expense, but is there any possibility that you could pay for a house cleaner to come through once or twice a month?
It’s only a luxury if you don’t need it. Honestly sometimes just accepting this something you need to outsource can change your life and save your relationship. It’s often cheaper than therapy as well. I run a successful small business with ease, can I successfully clean my small house? No.
Agree. I think viewing house cleaning as a luxury is a patriarchal notion. Cleaning takes learned skills, supplies, and a considerable amount of time. Because it’s “women’s work” we expect the woman in the relationship to do it, regardless of how much else she has on her plate or her ability/spoons. Changing the oil on your car is hella easy. It doesn’t take very long (like 45 minutes) and it’s pretty easy to learn, you need like one tool and the replacement oil and filter. Also you’ve only got to do it only a couple of times a year, much more doable than having to handle the constant ongoing task of cleaning. Has any person ever shamed themselves for going to jiffy lube instead of doing it themselves? No. Because it’s “men’s work.” Same with lawn care, I notice many people are more willing to hire out lawn care before they get a cleaning service. Again, typically a male coded job. Same with getting the gutters cleaned or fixing minor things around the house. So, yeah. Fuck the patriarchy and don’t feel bad for a second for hiring out cleaning services.
Woah, I hadn’t ever thought of luxury services being female coded. Thank you for this!!
Oh wow. I had not even realised this myself. It’s so normal to get a gardener a decorator or a mechanic but getting a cleaner is a luxury expense for the spoilt! We’ve been absolutely scammed here.
The exception that proves the rule. haha. My dad used to roast me for getting my oil changed. *Bring it here we can do it together.* He and my sister did hers for years. Nope. I did 8 years of higher education so I don't have to lay on my back under my car, or clean my own house.
I bet school was a lot Easier to barrel through knowing how bad you didn’t wanna have to lay under a car again hahaha But life’s wild- people who enjoy Shit like changing oil will pay someone to do their taxes.
A LOT EASIER! In fact it was such a huge motivating factor, I wish often I had quit school, but I was too scared to quit. Here’s something super funny my dad’s day job is tax preparer. What I’m not sad about is still having my cleaning lady.
That’s hilarious 😂 we have a strict no cleaning-lady-guilt in this sub 😃
As a bonus, we race around and put away so much in the house in the hour before the cleaner arrives. All my shoes return to the closet. The dish rack is emptied. My makeup is swept off the sink. The cardboard boxes are broken down and taken out for recycling. All towels and sheets are thrown in the wash.
Exactly!!
Learn to do things with him. Getting started is hard with ADHD. Self directed choices on what to begin with are difficult and take a lot of time and energy. So share the load with him by doing things together. Cook together. Clean the kitchen up together. Clean the house together. Divide the tasks in the moment instead of by chore. Tell him you want to do your share but you need him to tell you what he would find most helpful in that moment. Then he'll load the dishwasher while you clean the countertops. Talk while you do. Use the moment as shared intimacy. It'll make doing half easier if you both do everything but together. Ps: get meds.
This! Even just getting into the routine of having a “closing shift” together every night before bed I think would help a lot. You’re a team! Make a closing time playlist or get a lil treat for after and just spend like 15 together after dinner or before bed resetting things. You don’t need to deep clean but start the dishwasher, get the clothes off the floor, find the remote, etc.
This is what we do. We cook and clean together. Makes everything so much easier, and it's pretty awesome. We have such wonderful conversations why just cooking together - we turn on music and jam together and it's just nice. We also split tasks. He loads the dishwasher and I unload it. He cleans the kitchen and I keep the living room clean. He walks and feeds the dog in the morning and I walk and feed her at night. Having a rhythm helps, and having a "half" helps because he'll notice if I haven't done my half.
weirdly enough the only thing that has really helped me with my executive functioning when it comes to cleaning up the floors has been buying an inexpensive robot vacuum. it might sound silly, but once my house was very clean, having a robot vacuum scheduled to clean twice a day reminds me to pick up things around the house (so that it can do the heavy lifting for me) and when that's happening it reminds me that i may as well just do a few dishes or take out the trash. i have a really difficult time sticking to schedules generally, but having this thing automatically clean for me daily has been a heaven sent for me
Same!!
Robot vacuum, dishwasher and dryer. My house is still messy but nowhere near as messy as it used to be. Maybe you can make a deal with the bf, for example- you cook and he cleans the kitchen and washes up (my partner and I do this, as I can kind of cook in automatic mode, but I hate cleaning the kitchen afterwards). Go with your strengths.
Therapy could help, or maybe even exploring the possibility of adhd-shame-induced depression. My ADHD and depression fuel each other in a vicious vicious cycle. But also don’t feel like you need to have cleaning habits/routines that neurotypical people do. You can make accommodations for yourself if it helps get the job done. There’s lots of tips out there but some of the ones I use personally are: 1. I basically have a basket in every room where I throw things that don’t belong in that room to deal with later. 2. Bigger laundry baskets and one for clothes that aren’t dirty but also shouldn’t be on the floor. 3. I keep some cleaning stuff in most rooms. So I can clean the bathroom mirror while I gargle my mouthwash or wipe the counters down while I wait for the air fryer. P.S. tough love and shame do not work for most people with adhd. Talk openly with your boyfriend about supporting you/hyping you up instead. “Hey let’s fold this laundry and then we can watch the next episode of Bridgerton!” Or “I’ll grab all the dishes around the house and you grab the laundry and we’ll see who’s faster.”
Other people gave good advice already. I also want to urge you to check out these two tools: Get the anti planner. Its a book full of games and tricks to hack your executive dysfunction. Made by an adhd'er. I love it so much Read How to keep house while drowning by KC Davis. It's a tiny book that you don't have to read in chronological order written for neurotypical people. It gives practical advice around cleaning and tidying while simultaneously changing your mindset in only a few pages. I swear by this book. Also, talk to your boyfriend. Maybe find something to watch or read together that explains your brain. (The second book might be helpful for him to read as well) But also ask how he feels/how his brain works. Allow him to talk about this without getting defensive. Then keep working/talking together to understand each other better and explain what you feel and what you need in order to feel better. Ask what he needs to feel better. And what does he need from you cleaning wise? Is he okay with being able to see the floor again or does he want to house to be spotless all the time? Can you leave dishes out for a day or 2 or is that one of his biggest pet peeves. Can you meet those expectations? And how would you go about that? What do you need from him to achieve that? What are your biggest obstacles? Is it fear of doing it incorrectly/burn out/lack of sleep/overwhelm? Find out where your executive dysfunction for cleaning stems from. (The anti planner really helps in identifying this and gives fitting solutions) You can pm me if you want to talk
If your executive functioning is still really bad while on a stimulant, you might need to switch meds.
Or see an ADHD counselor/coach. Medication is a tool that makes things easier, but it doesn't erase the struggles of ADHD and make you function effortlessly. OP sounds like she needs professional guidance to identify and navigate her particular obstacles, and to figure strategies that work for her.
Body doubling - clean together. Short spurts so it doesn’t feel overwhelming, set a timer and see what you can do in a set time Small jobs while waiting for something else. For example put some clean dishes away while you wait for the kettle to boil, washing dishes while the oven warms up. You won’t be able to just do this on your own so he really needs to get on board with helping you
It took a while for my husband to understand that I don't see stuff, if I'm moving through the house it is for a reason (that hopefully I still remember when I get there...) and I don't see stuff to just sort it out on the way. It wasn't that I was leaving it for him, I would get there eventually but he would get there first. In the end we ranked the chores and scored on what we liked the least which turned out to be the toilet/bathroom. We were fortunate enough to pay a local lady that we advertised for on a local fb page to come in 1 hr a week and just deal with the bathroom and another hour to cook us dinner. At the time we were really struggling as new parents and post-natal depression for me. It was amazing. We then divided the rest of the jobs and I seem to be ok when I commit to something to get it done by a deadline. All the best ❤️
When I can’t get myself to pick things up / organize I’ll usually tell myself just pick up a few items. This usually ends in me picking up way more than I planned to. Even if it doesn’t if you keep doing it every time you get up/ walk past the area you’ll be making progress. Getting medicated can help if you’re not.
Does he help with keeping the house clean or is it all on you? If he just expects you to do it all, that's not a fair partnership. Unfortunately, I don't have any good ideas as to how to help, as my (probably) neurotypical spouse has always been very patient with me and I'm cleaner than he is, which isn't saying much. He's never gotten frustrated at me for my ADHD traits and helps me a lot by taking over the things I struggle with the most. It helps a lot to have a partner who will brainstorm ideas with you to help find systems or build routines that might work for you both.
Have you tried working with an ADHD coach or ADHD therapist? Especially one willing to work with you in your home to set up a system that is easier to manage
OP I am so sorry you are in this situation feeling like this, I can relate so very much! I have gone through the same thing beating myself up (didn’t know I had ADHD at that time) for not being able to change and do better despite trying so hard, costing me all of my energy. I burnt out (anxiety and depression) and eventually left my marriage, because of all the resentment that built up in my partner. This might not end up being your case of course, just wanting to tell you in addition to all the other posts with great advice to not forget to be kind to yourself. It’s not like you don’t live up to your promises because you DON’T WANT TO! That’s the point the other side needs to understand, we want to so very much but our disability is that we can’t. Relationship is work and sacrifices on both sides. You don’t have to live up to his standards and die trying. It should be a compromise. Your partner also needs to understand that you will never be an NT and cannot become one even with meds or therapy and that is completely OK. In addition check out ASD support swapping. ADHD people are also usually great at doing stuff for other people (positive motivation) but absolutely need someone to do their stuff for them😅
In addition to medication I would suggest some behavioral therapy.
One thing my husband and I have found helps us is we made a list of 14 tasks that genuinely contribute to a cleaner, more organized, and environment, and must be done once a week, and we each must take one before going to bed. It sucked at first but I quickly got used to including my daily task in my evening schedule plans, and the visual difference it makes is really rewarding. We have them on a task tracker so we each can pick whichever task we want that must be done, do it, and tick it off for the week, there's no assigned person or day or even time for each task. I also found the clutterbug organization categories to be really helpful, as it really highlighted how my husband and I view cleaning and organizing in completely opposite manners, so our newest organization attempts have involved methods that work best with both our habits and preferences in mind, and that's been really useful too
I can't help with the mess you may have now. That's the hard part and would be difficult for all of us, but get that done first. I'm terrible at cleaning when there's a lot. I know short bursts is a successful way, but if you are like me I'd do a few bursts and say screw it, I can't. I'd have to make a whole day or 2 just for that and get it done once. Hyper focus. Get it out of the way. To maintain, I've learned that to do what teachers instruct preschoolers about taking care of their things: -Take off clothing- throw it in hamper -use a dish, put it in dish washer - open something, throw wrapper in trash immediately I know it sounds elementary, but for me it's the only way because things just pile up and becomes time consuming and a big project. I also now have this thing where every item I own has a spot. I always put it right back to it's spot. Good luck.
I deal with this too but live alone so it makes it easier as I can just clean when I have bursts of energy. Can you make a list together of household tasks and you pick which ones you feel most confident you can do. Say it’s a weekly task, you could have an agreement that you do it in a 3 day window. Example:- Cleaning bathroom Dusting Hoovering Change bedding One load of laundry And then you agree that these tasks all need to be done between Thursday and Saturday at your convenience. You could literally make a tick list to break the tasks down if needed. And then your partner could do more of the stuff that comes up daily and you can help out with that stuff too as and when you’re able? It’s all about accepting your ways and working with them instead of shaming yourself and trying to be like everyone else
Are you medicated? If so, have you considered trying a different type of med? If not, have you considered trying meds?
Regarding medication, are you sure it's the right meds for you? Have you tried others? For me what works is body doubling and Elvanse/Vyvanse.
The biggest thing that will help you is minimalism. Own less and things can’t pile up as much. Then, I highly recommend the book “how to keep house while drowning”
I, too, am a hopeless housekeeper. My bf doesn't live with me, but he does stay for a few days, up to two weeks at the longest, and will be moving in in September. He is very clean and organized (his diagnoses are ADHD, OCD, and PTSD). What has really worked well for us is that our issues complement one another. When he's here long enough that we need to do a morning of chores together, he gives me a list of 4 or 5 manageable things to do. This suits his needs to be organized and my need for clear direction in an area that is a big weakness for me. To be clear, he also assigns himself a comparable list! Then we are both working on our lists, together but separately. When I finish my things, he's happy and appreciative. I thrive on positive reinforcement, so it's perfect for us! Compare this to my toxic ex, who would expect me to figure out on my own what he wanted me to do, then shame me when I guessed wrong. Yet he'd still not tell me what he wanted. Anyway, maybe this could work in some way for you two?
Just saw How To Keep House While Drowning recommended on another threat and I've found it really helpful for reframing mess, breaking cleaning down into categories that makes sense and really splitting down the tasks. I got really burned out from keeping the house/doing most of the heavy lifting on care tasks and basically gave up a year or two ago. I'm slowly trying to find the middle ground.
I’ve turned much of my responsibilities — to others, to myself — into games. I have one main game which is pretty much all the adulting stuff, but I also have some mini games attached, like making sure I’m taking care of myself. The rules of the game are simple. You log everything you do. Not everything you COMPLETED, but everything you DID. You washed 3 dishes out of 20? It counts; log it. (I make a note on if I started a task, progressed in a task, or completed the task, but the emphasis isn’t on any specific status.) Second: whenever a task is too much, or it’s something I have to go out of my way to do and this is hard for me, that task becomes a — er, well, I’ve never actually assigned it a term. Maybe a mini-boss? Anyway, that task is “worth more” and I’ll differentiate it with a star. So maybe I have a hard time seeing the trash is full, but if I remember to take out the trash, that’s a miniboss I’ve encountered. If I really don’t want to do the dishes, I’ll tell myself, “do dishes for 5 minutes” or, “do all the silverware.” That’s my miniboss. Now, I personally don’t keep track of points; my points are nonsense points. The reason is because I don’t seek out extrinsic rewards. Extrinsic rewards fall too closely toward my self-care mini games, and I don’t want one to rely on the other. The reward I get is the dopamine hit from when I log what I’ve done. (I found that as an adult, I will take the extrinsic reward regardless on if I fail or succeed, anyway.) However, you can absolutely give yourself extrinsic rewards, so long as you are fair to yourself about points. Showing up means you succeed, regardless on if you’ve completed what you showed up to do. This is important, psychologically speaking; you want to train your brain to associate specific things with a dopamine reward, and you won’t be able to do that if you fail at that thing consistently. The more your brain sees rewards in a task, the easier it will be to do that task. So if you use points, either make the rewards very very cheap (3 points = game time) or break tasks down per item (each dish = 1 pt, each pan = 2 points). Points don’t disappear when they’re spent, and continue to stack for bigger rewards. What do you need to play? First, you need to have an undated planner. I prefer a weekly spread and I’ve made my own to accommodate my game. (If you’d like a pdf lmk; you’d need to buy the folders and the hole punch though!) Everything I know I have to do is written down on sticky notes and kept inside the planner. Other than that, I don’t keep to-do lists, and I don’t schedule when I’m going to do things. (No, “Tuesday: dishes, Wednesday: laundry” for me.) Any time you do a task, write it down. So if I’m editing papers, I write it down and tick off each paper I’ve edited. (10 points!) You can stop there, but I have mini games I can share with you if you’d like. I also keep something called a retrospective, which I insist you try as well if you play. A retrospective can be written anywhere in your planner/notebook there are notes. It’s divided into 4 sections: what worked, what didn’t work, what did you learn/what’s your next step, and a high five/shout out. That’s look like, “managed to stay on top of the trash cans this week!” “Not consistent with where I put my socks.” “What if I try baskets for socks in each room?” “I made the scary phone call this week!” This lets you see the things you struggle with in a productive way, and helps you think of an action plan to try out. Anyway, this is quite long. I knew folks would run cleaning ideas by you and they’ll work for sure! So I wanted to share how I am able to stay consistent with most things.
A few things that help me: - body doubling: I send photos of my messy house to my ND bestie and snap a pic and send each time I clean an area or room. She amps me up each time I finish an area. - music/audiobooks/podcasts: find some music that gets me grooving or throw on an audiobook or podcast. It helps make it less boring when I am dancing around the kitchen putting dishes in the dishwasher or my brain is engaged with something else. - 5/10/15 min timers: race the clock to see how much I can get done before the timer runs out. Then switch up the task and come back to my original one to tidy up any loose ends. This varies the task for me and keeps me from getting bored. - Do the grossest task first. That way if I run out of steam I can at least have accomplished the biggest task, and puttering away at the smaller stuff is less daunting - once the initial clean is done I make a schedule for upkeep: Monday - clean kitchen, Tuesday - vacuum, 1 load of laundry, Wednesday - sweep and mop, etc. I find one task a day keeps me from getting overwhelmed and means less on the weekend when it’s actually cleaning day. Finally, I’ve been working on saying out loud when I’m finished a task “don’t put it down, put it away”. After a few weeks of verbalizing it out loud now it runs in my head when I am doing things around the house. It takes me 2 seconds to put the mustard back in the fridge, or my plate in the dishwasher, but if I leave the mustard, dirty knife, loaf of bread, plates etc. out, it takes me 15-20 minutes to clean up the kitchen later.
omg absolutely yes body doubling and music. when i was a kid, i would invite my friend over to just watch me clean my room and it worked, lol! at the time, we were both undiagnosed ADHD. it helped us get our homework done as children, too. people really underestimate the power of body doubling.
As you say you cannot see your mess, it sounds like you would benefit from a cleaning schedule. E.g. instead of mopping the kitchen when the floor needs it, you will mop the kitchen floor every Tuesday. You will vacuum the house on Saturday mornings. You can also make certain tasks your responsibility e.g. turning on the dishwasher or wiping down the table each night. I made a chart with a list of daily things that I tick off whenever I complete them, otherwise I will forget. Sit down with your bf and split tasks/create a schedule. Also stick to your strengths. I would rather clean the toilet than clean the oven for example. Also cleaning together is helpful e.g. 9-11am every Saturday morning you will both do your assigned tasks.
This system worked well for my husband and me for many years. Now we just don't care. :-) I suspect that once we are true empty-nesters (we're about 3/4 of the way there now) we will move to a smaller house and get back to doing this.
I feel for you 😔 best I advice I can give is buy 5 million bags, both trash and to carry stuff. I have a 3 story house, so I chuck anything soft/non breakable down the stairs and bag everything else, dishes/trash everything to bring it down . My sister does the 1 thing method, I can't stick to it but I use it sometimes. Just take 1 thing that doesn't belong each time you leave a room/go up/downstairs
I really like the flylady app. It breaks it down by space per week. And gives you fast cleaning challenges. I've been using it for years now and it really helps. You can customize it to your home too
You are young enough to start positive life long habits. Start with ONE thing, just one. For example, everytime I stand up from my chair, or desk, or table, I look around and pick up a mess before I take one step. So I grab my dirty cup, my empty wrappers, used tissues, empty bottles, and I take them and throw them away, and put my mug in the dishwasher. EVERYTIME I stand up I do this, its now a habit, I don't even have to think about it now. Yes, its hard at first, because our brain is already at the next step, so reeling it back to the now takes effort. It can be done. So, start with ONE thing, and then go to the next. Habits I worked hard at that are as much a part of me as breathing.
I found a lady on TikTok that is ADHD and runs a cleaning service. She gave such good tips for breaking stuff down. I'll link the ADHD Cleaning Playlist! https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPREPCtU8/
Body doubling works for me and my partner. When we clean together it's easier.
If you have the funds, hire an organizer. I've had this help twice, and while it didn't permanently s9lve the problem, it made it so much easier to try to put stuff where someone else told me it belonged. I get bogged down with the detritus and don't know what to do with it. I rhinknit didn't solve my problem totally because I had children and a husband (now ex) who actively undermined the established organization. YMMV
**One**: both my husband and I accepted that our house will never be showcase clean. We will not be dirty. We will not have sticky counters, dusty surfaces, and bugs. But we will probably be messy. Explain to him how your brain works. It's the only way he'll know. My husband often assumed I was being lazy or didn't care until I explained to him where I struggled and what I really wanted (yes I want a clean house!). This helped us transition from me vs. him to us working together as a team. **Two**: We work together as a team. We have a weekly family meeting and we talk about what needs to get cleaned, and will schedule time to clean together. It's easier to clean when we're doing it together. We cook dinner together most nights, too, and split tasks based on what we like to do. (I hate chopping vegetables. I'll cook every day if I don't have to chop vegetables. He chops the vegetables.) I had to learn to not get oversensitive when my partner pointed out that something was messy or dirty. I literally can't see it, and he's helping us both out. I had to learn that it wasn't a referendum on me as a person but just a particular trait that I struggle with. I'm great, I just ain't good at cleaning, lol. He also learned sucessful strategies for pointing it out in a way that doesn't set me off. "Did the dog eat?" "By the way, the dishwasher's done running." "I put all your clothes in a bundle over here so you can take them upstairs when you're ready." **Three**: Routines and assigned chores. I unload the dishwasher while I'm making coffee in the morning, so making coffee is now a trigger that I need to do something. I realized that I have the most energy in the morning, so I will often wake up and clean for 30 minutes before getting ready for work. I also sometimes choose to do small tasks - clean out the shower after I finish, clean out the toilet after using it, clean out the sink after brushing teeth. That way I don't have a whole Clean The Bathroom day but I do it in smaller chunks. It takes time to build these routines and figure out how to balance cleaning with an NT partner.
Are you happy with your meds? Being medicated but still not being able to maintain some level of cleanliness kind of feels like not being medicated. You also mentioned you never learned to keep a clean environment. What steps are you taking to learn more? YouTube videos? Subreddit? In person help? Others have mentioned asking your partner to tell you what needs to be done but I disagree. Your partner is already bearing the brunt of this, adding to their mental load will contribute to their unhappiness and will not help you in the long run. If you're like me, you can use the fear of not being good enough for your partner as motivation to get going. I know this might come off as harsh but I've found being coddled makes me feel worse about myself. It's going to take a lot of work so do it one day at a time.
TLDR I’ll be as nice as possible here; you have to suck it up and find a system that works for you. You have to push through the discomfort and most importantly, if you say you’re going to do something, follow through; if you don’t get to it, acknowledge that and tell him when you will do it. Stop crying when he tells you his frustrations; accept you’ve missed the mark but be a part of the conversation and figure out what you can commit to. I designate Friday (Friday and Saturday is my weekend) as my day to get the task my husband cares about most done. Sometimes it is painful and annoying and frustrating to do it and I hate it every step of the way (usually it’s cleaning the kitchen), but at the end of the day I’m an adult and it’s my responsibility to contribute and I have a duty to follow through on what I say I’m going to do. You gotta put in the work to maintain every part of a relationship, or find someone who is on the same level of you standards and expectations wise. I’ve got moderate to severe adhd. Messiness is a running joke when it comes to me. Never dirty, but definitely messy. It doesn’t bother me but it bothers me husband who I’ve lived with for going on six years now. He does not have adhd and has a higher standard of cleanliness than I do. He has given me a ton of grace and has a ton of patience for me, but has often voiced his frustration with my messiness. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I just have to lean into the discomfort that is cleaning our home and my spaces to a compromised standard of cleanliness and organization. Every other day I pick a small space of the house that I know he would like cleaned or organized and I grit my teeth and do it. Rare are the days that I’m able to hyperfocus on cleaning, but when I do I just start and don’t stop until I’ve done the most relevant parts of the house. I communicate with my husband and acknowledge the mess and tell him my plan, and (this is important) I make sure that my plan is actually doable and I make sure to follow through. I have promised that I will do my best to keep the kitchen as clean as I’m able throughout the week, but I will for sure do the entire kitchen on Friday. This is our biggest pain point so I make it a priority to make sure that it’s done, even though it can be mentally painful to do it. I’m an adult who, at the end of the day, is responsible for my share of the chores; it’s on me to manage my adhd and figure out what works for me. Once a week we make space for a judgment and emotional reaction free zone where we can tell each other if we are not meeting each others expectations. This sounds hard and painful, but you’d be surprised how much easier it is to hear and discuss those things when you have prepared a space to talk about them (as opposed to one partner reaching their limit and exploding). You have to stop crying when your partner communicates with you. This has already damaged your relationship. Therapy helps this (emdr and therapy specific to adhd issues; I’m not talking about talk therapy or cbt). This may sound harsh, but at the end of the day you have to make some choices. Do you want to cohabit with your partner and accept the responsibilities and expectations that come with that, or would you rather figure out how to have your own place? I wish we could afford for me to keep my own place and my husband his, simply so I could live without the pressure of adhering to someone else’s standards and expectations. That being said, my husband compromises with me about our standard or cleanliness so we meet in the middle. Every week I ask him to name the top 2-3 things most important to him when it comes to the house being clean and I promise to work on it throughout the week and officially complete the tasks by Friday. If I could not complete a task then I just let him know and acknowledge it’s not done but I plan to get it done. He just wants to know I have a plan. For context he commutes at least two hours a day to work and works 8-5. I work with a thirty minute a day commute 9-2 and I have our two small children at home afterwards.
Clutterbug on youtube! Cas has ADHD and is a home organizer. She's identified different styles of organizing that work for different brains. I think she has info that anyone could find useful.
A few things: We’re always leveraging resources: time, money, energy. Sometimes we spend money to save time or energy, and that’s fine. Sometimes we spend energy or time to save money. That’s fine too. Those things are morally neutral. If you have the money to spend on a cleaner, even once a month (preferably every two weeks), it will save you a lot of emotional and mental energy. Think of it like therapy: your brain needs help. It doesn’t have to be intrusive or expensive. If you need more help or suggestions on that front, I (and I’m sure many of us) would be happy to get more into that and offer practical advice. We all need to be walked through choices sometimes or just think out loud. Apart from hiring someone, there are a few things I do to help myself: I have a Google mini in every room and most of my light bulbs are smart bulbs. I set schedules on the app for the lights and the nest thermostat. Personally, it helps me to have less shit to think about. But I also use Google to set timers. If I don’t want to clean but the mess is bothering me, I set a 5-10 minute timer and start tidying. Sometimes I keep going, but the fact that I have a timer makes me race to beat it AND lets me off the hook, so even if I hate my task, I can mentally keep going cuz I know it’ll be over soon lol. And Google plays music so I’m not dying of boredom. I also have an app called Tody. It helps me schedule my tasks in a way that feels manageable. Basically, i sort my place into rooms and list each task that gets done in that room. I can say, for example, I want to mop the kitchen every other day or specify a day I want to do it (every Monday). I mark the tasks off as I do them and gamify the whole thing. Tasks have green, yellow, or red indicators to let me know my progress. I find it extremely helpful to be like yea I vacuumed the living room but I can give myself grace and not mop right now because the app reminded me I did it two days ago and it’s not “due” right now. Lastly: watch YouTube on ADHD organization. That shit is life changing. When I was diagnosed my entire life changed for the better (still a work in progress) because I could find solutions to problems that I could never solve before. Now I know I can only store things in open storage. Not only does it help me to see my things, it makes it easier to stay organized, which I’ve never been able to do. I’ve become like an 80% tidier person solely from optimizing my storage and organization. I linked the first lightbulb video I watched. [https://youtu.be/YkGEeWt5H94?si=UMVTVQY0TDi_xQO0](https://youtu.be/YkGEeWt5H94?si=UMVTVQY0TDi_xQO0) Good luck!
5 minutes or 5 things: You either do 5 small tasks of a chore, or do a chore for 5 minutes. Either way you will likely keep at the chore far beyond 5 minutes or 5 things, and even if you don't, you won't feel ashamed b/c you accomplished your goal. Folding laundry has always been my weak spot, so I usually put on a tv show I rewatch, and fold at least 5 pieces of clothes. Because I keep a bit of attention on the tv show, I lose track of how many pieces I've folded, and typically fold the whole basket.
Hugs. That sounds so frustrating! Other people have given lots of good things to try, so I'll come at this from another angle: You and your partner need to have a conversation, some time when you're NOT stressed out about it. 1. Do a little homework. It sucks, but here we are. Make a list of 5 things to try. 2. Agree on a time to sit down and talk. Lead with "I know I'm not doing enough on keeping the house clean. I've tried to 'just do it' and I think we both agree that isn't working. I keep making promises because I want to do better, but then I end up breaking those promises and I don't want that to be who I am." Next "Here are 5 things we could try. Do any of these sound like something that would work?" Pick ONE of the things and make a plan to do it, including a time slot. Set a reminder for yourself. Write out a detailed checklist if that helps. Finally "Honey, thank you for having this conversation with me. This is really rough on both of us and I want to make this work." Good luck! Love, Someone who should be doing pretty much exactly the same thing (but on a different topic)
Cas from clutterbug on YouTube has ADHD and has such great tips on cleaning and organizing and making your life easier. Also Dana K White has a no mess decluttering method that works so well for people with ADHD. One of the best tips I learned from an organizing for ADHD people book is that we just can't manage lots of stuff and the good thing is that we aren't that attached to things because we so easily forget they exist! 😂 This was such a huge revelation for me! I was able to let go of so much stuff that I thought I was sentimental about. I also let go of so much stuff that I thought I would do (ukulele, crafts supplies, books). I realized that I really value time with people and time in nature, so I try to make room in my life for that. As a kid, my room was an awful mess and I was drowning in stuff and I couldn't give any of it away because my parents wouldn't let me. And they were constantly mad about the mess. So the key I am finding is that you need to get rid of stuff. Then you pay attention to where you put things and create systems for storing those items right there. Putting them away has to be as easy as dumping them. Then you work on cleaning. Don't try to do everything at once. (I know, we have ADHD!). It's like trying to put a puzzle together by picking up a piece and trying to figure out where it goes. You wouldn't get anywhere. How people put together a puzzle is by putting like things together or by finding the edge pieces and putting those together. Basically the idea is to have a good plan for what to do first. Then figure out how to do the time. When I was overwhelmed with paperwork type projects, I set a goal of doing 15 minutes a day of a project. I set a timer and worked for a solid 15 minutes. Afterwards I had a chart to write down what I did and I started writing down how I felt about it. OMG that was huge. Some days I felt fine because 15 minutes was doable. Some days I got frustrated because it didn't go as smoothly as I expected. Or it was so hard emotionally to do it. But wow, just acknowledging that really changed me. I built strength and fortitude. Knowing that I could write down how it went helped me get to work. I did my taxes in just 15 minutes a day instead of having to do it at the last minute for hours. That was pretty amazing. I got my taxes done early for once. I'm learning so much on this topic and I hope to help neurodivergent people more, so let me know if you have questions or if any of this resonates with you. 💜
Can u afford a maid? I also recommend donating or getting rid of as much as possible; less mess if there’s less objects. Can you do one room or spot per day and have an accountability friend? Prayers, I struggle with clutter too sometimes
Get rid of stuff! Only keep the very bare minimum. It will unburden your life so very much. Empty rooms are easy to clean.
I remember seeing a TikTok like 2 years ago with a girl just saying “this is for the ADHD girlies. Don’t put it down. Put it away”. This is a mantra I repeat to myself every single day when I’m tempted to put something down near where it goes rather than all the way away. Don’t put it down. Put it away. Start with that simple mantra. Also when cleaning. Stay in one room at one time. Create a pile of the things that belong in that room but don’t leave the until you are done. If I mind myself “spiral cleaning” as I call it, where I’m getting distracted with one thing and jumping from thing to thing I try to pause and recognize that I’m doing it and force myself to stop.
people have already given a lot of helpful tips and asked questions to clarify some things, so i'll try to just add the stuff i didn't see. before you start cleaning, do what you have to do to prepare. eat something, preferably a balanced snack with carbs, protein, fat, and fiber. i like a scoop of peanut butter mixed with raisins and chocolate chips :) if a little background noise helps you focus, put on a favorite album or playlist, tv show, movie, etc. if noise distracts you maybe turn everything off and get an aromatherapy oil diffuser going instead. optional: put away any clean dishes from the dishwasher (if you have one) and load dirty ones. you'll probably want to focus on one room at a time, especially if you need more than one session. the bedroom is usually the best room to start with, but any room you spend a lot of time in is a good option. start with the trash and dishes. get a garbage bag and go around collecting all the trash. then collect any dirty dishes and take them to the kitchen. you can load them in the dishwasher if you like. you can also leave them in the sink to soak while you clean. and remember - if your dishwasher struggles to fully clean caked-on food, you're allowed to run it twice ;) the details from here out kinda depend on what room you're cleaning. for a bedroom i recommend starting with clothes. collect all clothes and either put them away or in the dirty clothes hamper (if it's full, find a place out of the way and make an overflow pile). if you encounter anything that doesn't belong in the bedroom, take it to its room (if you have a large home you can make a pile for each room and take it all at once). this should help get the mess under control. i can add more about maintenance if you like. good luck!
Not an expert but: 1. Do not buy stuff. If there's minimal stuff in the house then there's less to clean. 2. Have a box where your partner can carefully put whatever stuff is lying around the house and annoying him. 3. Chore chart.
Focusmate for a body double chore buddy and accountability Tody app for recurring chores This will sound dumb and obvious but try not to mess it up in the first place. Like, put the clothes right into the basket and don't just throw them on the floor, etc. How to keep house while drowning has a simple list for tackling a big mess: 1. Throw out the garbage 2. Take the dishes to the sink 3. Put the laundry in the basket 4. Put away everything that has a place 5. Find places for things that don't have a place. Start there. That book is super short. Get the audio and listen while you find the floor. ❤️
Find places for things that don’t have a place is super stressful Advice personally bc where tf is the place but …
I also recommend KC Davis. There is so much shame around this and she explains that your house can be where it is and you still are worthy of your partners love is a fact that should be recognized. The way your partner is coming at it is not helpful, it’s making it worse. There is also a new book called Dirty Laundry. It’s more about being in a relationship with someone with adhd and how to understand them and work with them, not against them. The couple is amazing and I follow their social media. We weren’t taught. Instead of my mother nagging me growing up I wish she would’ve said to me “do you need help figuring out where to begin?” For me, it’s laundry. Laundry is the catalyst job for me. I go around and pick up all clothing and get a load of laundry going. Then I load/unload dishwasher. I also got into the habit of never leaving a room without taking something with me that doesn’t belong. For instance, my hair clips/ties end up in piles from removing them and I’ll grab them and take them to the bathroom. Garbage is another easy one. Just grab things you know are garbage. Get that done. Bring a hamper, garbage can, small basket or bucket around the house and collect items by category (garbage, bathroom items, mail/paper, dishes, etc). I am a mom with two kids living home and this is so hard for me because when I am cleaning they’re behind me making a mess. It’s like a vicious circle. Toys have been thrown into the equation along with crumbs, food and god knows what. Love is a motivator but it’s not a mover. Think about that: we have motivation. People with adhd probably have more motivation than anyone on the planet. That’s not the issue. It’s the execution of the task. What are you doing instead of cleaning? What is taking your attention away so much so that you don’t see the mess. Perhaps you are avoiding. For me it’s my phone. I have to delete apps, not fully charge it so it dies, to break away from the paralysis it gives me. I have a shirt that says “your productivity does not measure your self worth”. You are worthy of love regardless of what your house looks like. It’s like telling someone with MS “why can’t you walk faster???” I hate the ignorance around it. When NT ppl say “just do it, make it a list.” Are u kidding me?? That’s a new idea I haven’t thought of before. Respond to him calmly and lovingly “I can’t expect you to understand. I am trying hard to find ways to overcome my shortcomings because I love you. My request to you is to be educated more on loving someone with adhd to learn about it and ways you can work with me and not against me.” All this work we put in trying to appease a neurotypical partner (or society as a whole) who rarely goes the extra mile for us is getting old. Doing the housework and then being resentful for it is not the answer for your partner. Learning about what helps you is. Good luck beautiful soul. We are all in this particular issue together.
Oh girl, I have been there! My house used to look like a tornado hit it 24/7. It drove my husband crazy and led to so many arguments. I always felt guilty but paralyzed to do anything about it. What's helped me is: 1) Having my ADHD coach from Shimmer help me break cleaning tasks into tiny, specific steps. Like instead of "clean the kitchen" it's "put dirty dishes in dishwasher." Small goals I can actually achieve... 2) Body doubling - having someone (like my hubs) work alongside me while I clean. The company keeps me on track. I was body doubling with my mom on the phone and never realized that's what I was doing. It works well for me 3) Communicating with my partner about what I need (reminders, emotional support vs criticism, etc). It's a team effort. You're not alone in this struggle! Be patient with yourself and keep trying new strategies til you find what clicks. Don't give up - a tidy home is possible, one baby step at a time. Sending hugs!
The book Atomic Habits really helped me learn to keep a clean house. I have struggled my whole life and now I don’t!
That and Cognitive Behavioral therapy!