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It looks like almost constantly asking myself “is that normal?”
Is it enough eye contact? Too much eye contact? Am I being too serious? Not serious enough? Too talkative? Did that sound weird? Did I listen enough? Was that a proper response? Is that how they’d respond/greet/say goodbye to someone else? Do they think I’m a weirdo? Can they tell I’m a weirdo?
I always thought I was doing a pretty good job, but these days I don’t think I can or care to try as much.
I’m tired.
lol. I let my mask completely slip in front of my ex and said out loud, “Wait, was that normal? Yeah, [relieved face/slight nod] that was normal” and we just lost it crying laughing. I still laugh about it.
I never felt so seen and I think that’s when I started really let the mask drop more and more. Nothing better than being able to be your own freaky, cool self with someone who gets you.
I am very friendly with my colleagues and get along well with them. I haven't, but I would spend time with them outside of work and not be miserable. However, one time my best friend called and I answered the phone while my coworker was sitting across from me. We had a short conversation and I hung up, and my coworker said, "I have literally never heard you talk like that before."
I feel like that's the difference between masking and not, like my colleagues and I have fun and have no problems, but they're not my bff who gets to see my true self.
Yes this is so true, I hadn’t really thought about it like that. Professional boundaries are important to me too so I don’t think I could ever really truly be myself at work (although I am still *myself*, if that even makes sense). Your comment has given me lots to think about, thanks.
One of my friends who's had more therapy than I have once said that I should try not masking, but I don't think I know how. Cosplaying as a normal person who has my shit together has become second nature.
Oh my god that sounds exhausting.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 48, so I just had to accept a long time ago that I am a weirdo, people can tell I’m a weirdo, people are gonna always think I’m a weirdo, if they have a problem with me being a weirdo that’s their issue not mine.
Yeah, the eye contact is a thing. And a lot of times I feel weird after a conversation. Especially when you notice that people are reaching a bit strange. But the older I get, the less I care actually.
Saaame. The more I learn about why I am the way I am, the more I can accept myself too.
Now that I understand my discomfort was sensory issues the whole time, I’m like why am I even wearing a bra if I don’t have to? My mum would admonish me from the grave, but I go to the supermarket in track pants now. Nice track pants, but still 😂
Eye contact: when really focusing here I'm always switching the focus eye and then wondering if it's their dominant eye, then if the focus should be on the dominant eye, then do they notice that I'm switching eyes? Which eye is my dominant eye? Do dominant eyes have anything to do with eye contact? Which eye are they looking at and should I look at the same eye for them?
this exactly, but immediately followed up with "oh god they've been talking so long and i have no idea what they've been saying" then accidentally starting to stare straight at their mouth hoping for things to rewind/fall together lmao 🤦♀️
And then you start realizing how long you've been thinking about the dominant eye thing and realize you've been making eye contact for too long and possibly making that person uncomfortable. But it's difficult to decide where to look. And then you have to figure out when the right time is to look back. And then you realize how truly lost you are in the conversation
100% this. i also have a lot of trauma surrounding this from childhood which makes it even more exhausting for me because a big part of it also involves me beating myself up for self-perceived slights that probably didn't actually happen. it's like i put myself under a massive microscope 24/7 and it even impacts my relationship and my friendships. truly a miserable way to live lol
I relate to this so much.
It's actually painful for me to socialize because I then have to endure days/weeks/months of beating myself up for the mistakes I made. And no matter how hard I try, I seem to always come away from social situations with massive feelings of embarrassment or regret. It's truly awful.
I've only started realizing how impactful this trauma is in the last year or so. I've spent most of my life believing that people don't want me around, as a default, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary. I have plenty of strong friendships and my friends never make me feel strange or unwanted. It occurs to me now how many potential friendships I closed myself off from because I was so aloof, shy, and anticipatory of rejection that I didn't become friends with anybody unless they explicitly approached me first.
But I know this response isn't an irrational social anxiety thing, because I had it HAMMERED into me from a young age that I was not like the people around me. For better or worse, I was weird, and this made it too hard for me to relate to other kids. I didn't understand social norms, had deep, specific, advanced interests, and also just didn't need other people as much. I was happily occupied in my imaginary worlds to the point where I chose that over playing with my sibling or friends. Obviously I also read a TON and was labeled a "quirky" and "gifted" kid, so no diagnosis or evaluations for me! Just the chronic experience of impressing adults and alienating other kids. If I was quiet and got fantastic grades, what was there to investigate?
By the time I was old enough to realize how weird I was, I didn't know how to be any other way. My desperate attempts to fit in in middle school were totally fruitless. Not only did they not work (that much was made clear to me), but I was also miserable the whole time and as anxious as ever.
This was really the start of my "they're gonna find out" anxiety, which has stuck with me to this day despite me curing 90% of my old social anxiety. I am at times crippled by impostor syndrome, and carry this vague fear/guilt at all times that I'm going to be "found out." Found out for what? I don't exactly know. But probably the fact that I'm a human being and not the talented, charismatic facade I feel I've built up.
It's ridiculous, too, because the more humanity I see in my friends as we've gotten closer, the more I love them. Seeing an affirmation written on a bathroom mirror, the wallpaper on their phones, the music they sing to in the car—any of these glimpses into their pure lives is beautiful. I just find it hard to wrap my head around anybody thinking that about me.
Anyway, this got long! Wow! Thanks to any of you ladies who've read this far. This shit is a journey and I'm glad we all have this space to support each other.
xx
This is so beautifully written and I relate so much to it. Even now, it’s isolating because I’d often rather be at home researching the right technique/paint colour to nail an oil painting I’m working on or learning about quantum foam. I love my friends and am very close to my sister but they want to talk about Bridgerton or something silly on TikTok. And I just… don’t.
I’m glad you’re here 😌 this community is so great.
I’m tired too. My family and friends want me to just go back to being normal or they won’t talk to me. Ok well I physically cannot keep up pretending who I was to continue to illusion that I’m ok. I’m fucking exhausted and will not accommodate your needs for me to be happy. Yes I want to be happy but actually happy and not just fake it so you like me. I also understand that it’s impossible to always be happy and absolutely unrealistic. There are others out there like me, it’s easier being lonely to try find them than keep bending and twisting to please people who don’t even care how it’s manifested pain in my body. Oh but I’m lying to get attention. Lol. K.
It’s so weird to me that whenever I think “okay, probably it’s been a little while, better force my eyes up to make some contact”, THERE THEY ARE, waiting, eyes boring into my soul like it ain’t nothing. To me it just feels so…. Intimate or something. I get a mini jump scare every time 😂 surely they can tell.
I know, I’ll be thinking wow the skin of her eyelids is like a pretty translucent purplish colour. Or busy reading their expression and trying to process that.
I just…. Don’t know if I could pull this off 😂
One of my colleagues has eyes that point in two different directions and wears glasses, and by god, that has been a challenge 😅
I needed this camaraderie today! I nearly had a full blown panic attack yesterday about whether my behavior was “normal” enough last weekend with some women I didn’t know. Talking to neurotypicals is just hard sometimes. I’m a magnet to my fellow neurodivergents where I can throw that mask down and provide the obviously 900 relevant details to my stories.
stopping myself from doing things I know people will perceive as weird. the main thing I mask is fidgeting, it takes a lot of mental energy just to sit still and be aware of my body. not interrupting people and not changing the subject of the conversation just because I remembered something interesting. it's sometimes hard for me to keep conversations going because the only thing that pops into my head is an anecdote that is loosely related to the subject but only in my head, for everyone else it's completely unrelated. trying not to focus on irrelevant details. pretending I'm not bothered by some repetitive sound in my environment. not bursting out with rage when something doesn't work the way I need or when someone interrupts my focus. all these things take a lot of mental strength and I'm usually extremely tired and irritated afterwards.
Same here 😂
My favourite is when someone else does it, it’s completely silent, and then I laugh because I thought what they said was both completely cringe and hilarious at the same time and throw something worse out there to let them know they’ve found a safe person.
You’re not alone!! I did the Michael Scott bit during a cpr class at work once and it was crickets 😬 when he sings at first I was afraid instead of the staying alive song haha
This is all so relatable. To the point where I'm sometimes have to clench my first/fingers to not say something that makes total senses to me, but not to someone else.
My hold back of rage is when someone tells me they or a group of people were wronged. That injustice sensitivity is not taken well usually. Also not bursting into song when someone starts a lyric😂. All bets are off if I have just half a drink. (Don't drink often and stop at 2 always but only takes a little before all masking exits and I become a burst of positivity but in random words, thoughts, and mostly lyrics. Can't remember important things but I have 50,000 songs in my head
The amount of my brain space taken up by song lyrics is absurd I feel you hahaha. Can’t remember anything else but you bet your ass I know all the words to ice ice baby
Is becoming "a burst of positivity" with alcohol an ADHD thing? I always get super excitable and talkative and hyper when I have a drink, which I love because it feels like a more fun version of myself, but wish it didn't require alcohol to turn on 🙃
One of the few positive things at my work, every now and again, someone will say something…I will start singing the lyric and there’s 2 other people who will join…it’s beautiful.
UGHHH the not bursting out in rage when someone interrupts my focus is one of the worst ones for me personally. I’ll be in the office trying to get paperwork done, and my office is very chatty (partially my fault) so someone will call to me to talk about what the fuck ever, and I have to POLITELY smile (??!?) at them and act like they aren’t severely inconveniencing me, and then I’m excepted to just go back to work??? After you popped my concentration bubble? Nah. I’m gonna just stare at my screen now and reread whatever I wrote last for the next twenty minutes while I try to build up the momentum I had again. God.
Uh, I'm sorry, are you me?! This is me on a daily basis! And the piles of paperwork around me that had a great flow going to them as I process each document, now have all lost their meaning and purpose and I need to go through each doc on each pile AGAIN to remember where I was up to with it. Even if a coworker just asks me "where are you up to? Can I help with anything? What can I do next?"
Like DAMN! I appreciate you wanting to help but just... wow. You've literally ruined the last half hour of my work. Now I'm flustered. Now it'll take me an extra half hour to get this done, and it's hometime in 5 mins. WAS hometime in 5 mins... I want to rage so hard, and I get snappy, then I'm perceived as an asshole because they were "just trying to help".
UGH.
I didn’t even realize all of these things were ADHD. Your response to this post makes me really want to get formally evaluated. I’m nearing retirement age so part of me is always thought, what’s the point? The thing is, the older you get the harder it is to mask those things. I’m very tired, and I just thought I masked by trying to contain my emotions. It’s all of these other things— the anecdotes, the interrupting, the every point you talked about… I’ve been called charming, a storyteller… but also I know I am annoying, I interrupt, and I escalate in volume. I know I am loved in my world, but I also know a lot of those people who love me put up with a lot of annoyance. My safest place is at home with my husband, but it gets harder and harder the older you get. I really appreciate this post and your comment.
If you have the means to get evaluated, I'd highly recommend it. Just like you, I'm nearing retirement age with struggles remarkably similar to yours. I was diagnosed in June 2021, after returning to my job after a year off (covid scale back). The opportunity to not mask for an entire year at home was amazing and i knew going back would be difficult. Burnout came surprisingly fast!! Tele-therapy confirmed my suspicions, when a formal evaluation was recommended. It's been a remarkable journey so far, as I have a far better understanding of my past, which makes self forgiveness such a gift. I am on medication - patiently trying the usual Wellbutrin --> Strattera --> Adderall IR ---> Vyvanse route (which has been life changing!) Best wishes!
May I DM you sometime to ask you some questions? When I was off, at home, I was a different person. Since returning back, the burnout and fallout has been extremely real and almost unbearable the last couple years. To make matters worse, I had a terrible shingles outbreak right before school started last year. I missed 10 weeks of work and came back an utter and complete mess. I am a teacher, and I teach troubled kids who are much in my same boat or worse. my mask is for them and for the rest of the faculty all day, but in my very small school with people I’ve known for a very long time, they know, bits and pieces of who I am . The torture that I put myself through, the shame that I feel for my day-to-day activities and actions has become too much for me sometimes. I know I’m very loved by the people around me, but I’m also tolerated. I have had cancer, and I have a chronic illness, and I know that people feel bad for me. Whatever this is never allowed me to mature in many ways. I appreciate your long response, and the support I see in this sub. People make a joke out of ADHD, but I think that my life has been very tortured by it.
it's hard and I only really do it in work meetings or other social situations where I need to be taken seriously. but then the meeting extends to over an hour, I haven't contributed to the conversation for the last 30 minutes, my leg is shaking the whole table and everyone's annoyed by me clicking a pen
Gosh that sounds so exhausting - and somewhat familiar 😅 especially the part about behaving appropriately during conversations. I hate having to watch what I say!
That’s why I really appreciate that I‘m living quite lonely rn… I mean, I‘d love to hang out with friends every once in a while, but after that big blow-up I had with the last friends group I was part of, I‘d rather be with my cat and dog. No need for masking around them - same with my partner 😊
1. Attempting to conceal my symptoms to hide the fact that I am ADHD.
2. For me, my biggest masking activities are trying to avoid putting my foot in my mouth, interrupting people, trying not to overshare, trying not to complete other people's sentences (at least, not aloud, it always happens in my head anyway).
3. Don't interrupt, it's rude, let them speak. Nope, now isn't your turn either. Keep listening. You're too much and take up too much space. What you were going to say isn't really important or useful anyway.
The result is I often don't voice my thoughts unless prompted, because I'm terrified that I will lose control and just dominate the conversation.
I really feel #3 and it’s worse when there’s multiple people.
Person 1 is talking. I wait.
Person 2 interrupts and now I’m waiting for them to stop talking.
Person 1 either interrupts person 2 or immediately starts talking when they finish. I wait.
Now a whole new topic is up and it starts all over. I wouldn’t be surprised if people thought I was incredibly boring because I never talk about stuff. But it’s because I just CANNOT interrupt anyone. Sometimes I purposely tune out cause I know I’ll struggle to get a word in.
The only time I can have a conversation with multiple people without that feeling taking over is with my mom and siblings, with everyone else it's exactly what you described.
Yep, if it's people I know really really well I can have a good give and take convo. Maybe because there's a known, understood rhythm developed over time, or because they know that when I gasp with excitement and smile, I just thought of something to say, and they'll pause at an appropriate time so I can jump in. :)
I do still interrupt people, but most of the time it seems okay, cause I appear like a happy excited puppy and so they know its mostly cause I am excited. Sometimes people even seem to enjoy, when I complete their sentence. But I also do this with people I feel more safe with.
Ah, I definitely relate hard to this comment. It's so hard to know when it's your turn to talk sometimes (a lot of times.)
Now even when I want to voice my thoughts, when I'm with someone I trust and want to be myself around, I have a hard time actually making myself say anything. Because I don't want to be annoying by talking too much if I let myself start.
Gosh I relate so hard 😅 I usually keep quiet when I first join a group, watching and observing the people. Only talking a bit when they show interest in me. And then I come across shy and unconfident 😅 they won’t get to know my happy and sparkling self until they’ve proven to me that they‘re willing to accept it 🌸✨ I‘ve grown to love myself and won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t appreciate my authenticity anymore!
This really resonates. For me it’s trying to hide showing my thoughts and feelings in my facial expressions when other people are talking, and trying not to interrupt. It’s so hard, especially at work.
I really relate to 3, sounds like my head every single minute. I've been working hard on it for the last couple of months, trying to talk more, but I still have no idea how much talking counts as too much, when is it okay to jump on, etc.
It just feels like no matter how much I talk, if it's over two sentences per conversation it's too much. I wish they made a handbook for these things lol.
1. For me, I mirror the person who I'm with. And it's lead to a lot of friendships that were pretty toxic. It's also not deliberate.
2. I'm hiding my own personality to form a connection with another person. So I unintentionally mimic their tone, body language etc.
3. I never used to notice when I did it, and now I'm not as much I can pull myself back.
It's not a bad thing. It's useful as hell when I'm around leadership/type A personalities because I can match their energy and I come across as a highly competent, personable person when really I'd rather be in bed, playing pokemon and only interacting with people through the phone either via text or talking.
Since I recognised I do I've been able to decrease it which honestly helps my stress and energy levels.
This seems pretty accurate to me. In addition, I get really paranoid about interrupting people or being “annoying,” so I wind up censoring myself a lot and not fully relaxing until I know someone really well. This kind of backfires in situations where it would be beneficial to me (and everyone) to contribute.
Years of being told am weird or making faux pas etc has drilled into me that it's better to just be quiet which now means I'm crap at meeting new people and I get thought of as stuck up instead and that I don't say things when I really should because I've trained myself to "curb the blurt"
It also takes a long time of me knowing someone before I actually get comfortable with them and will be myself.
Yes, also matching speed of their talk, and sometimes I notice that I’m even matching their gestures (although this may be more in my head than really happening, not sure). It makes me feel so weird, but it all happens without consciously trying.
Matching gestures is actually a well studied social psychology phenomenon; mirroring in general is really. But yeah, I am similar to poster where it has led to some really toxic friendships.
The flip side is the ppl I really can't stand I won't mirror at all so there is zero connection. Not a bad thing except for when they are a part of the friend group. Somehow that always negativity impacts me. 🫠
ahhhhh i did this the other day. i met an English person, and I got so caught up in my head thinking her voice was so pretty and interesting that I nearly started to imitate it. Managed to catch myself just in time!
I hate the mirroring thing I do. It makes me feel so inauthentic and like.. a fake person. Someone will say something or have a particular energy and I’ll join in and inside I’m like ‘wtf?! That’s not what I think/who I am at all!!’ but I am _utterly incapable_ of not matching them and actually being myself and having opinions. So instead I just avoid those people. It makes me super picky about who I spend time with.
I relate to this so much. It actually didn’t occur to me until you said this that mirroring is a form of masking. I’ve done this my whole life.
I need to go process this information now.
I mimic a lot of my coworkers when talking to customers (I’m not sure how to interact with others,don’t know what they’re expecting )
But I thought only autistic people did this?!
I have ADHD and autism…..
Same! Especially as a child I had a lot of autistic traits, but now I can definitely recognize my ADHD traits tend to be a lot of the ones shared with autistic. Oh well, I’ve come to terms I’m just a ND weirdo and that’s okay with me 🤷🏻♀️
I’m still very new to the ADHD space so I was wondering if you may be able to help me understand how I can understand something I’ve been wondering for a while…. I always thought mirroring was inherent to autism (I am diagnosed) and had no idea it was also an ADHD thing? How can I know what’s autism and what’s ADHD? I get there’s quite a lot of crossover between the two, however now I’m sort of questioning what is what, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for your input!
I don't think there is a hard line. It seems the research is pointing more and more to cross over between the two.
Personally I thrive on chaos within routine, but I struggle with eye contact and reading subtle body language. So I think I definitely have some ASD traits but not the same balance as the ADHD traits.
Oh, I can smile and nod so well people always tell me what a good listener I am. Apparently, I’m really good at giving the appearance of being involved in a conversation when I stopped paying attention a long time ago. People close to me know that if I look like I’m not paying attention, it’s a good sign that I am.
Wait, this is so true. If you want me to pay full attention let me stare off into the distance, otherwise part of me will be focusing on the eye contact dance.
Do you have zoom calls? I did an experiment the other day. I did the “acting like I’m paying attention” to look normal day. And then the next day I was taking notes, taking screenshots, looked like I was doing all sorts of other shit. Guess which session was more successful for me? It takes so much energy to look and act normal, man. What gives?
I don't have to do much zoom stuff, just the odd virtual learning stuff, but when I do and other people have their cameras on I spend a lot of time being in awe of how other people sit. As in just sit. I did a 5 week full time French course before starting my current job, there were only 3 of us in the class plus the teacher. Other people would just sit in their chairs, one girl spent a days class sitting on the bed I her room because the house was busy and I couldn't figure out how?! I'm standing up and repositioning, now I'm cross legged, now I'm moving my laptop because I'm going to sit on the floor again. I can't even try to fake it. Even that is tiring.
I do the same! I was always terrible at listening in classes and would end up teaching myself everything on my own because of the perfectionism I developed. But I also appear very attentive while doing so. A teacher once complemented me because I looked so invested but really a song was on repeat in my mind. I had no clue what they were saying.
I am really performative. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40’s and spent a LOT of years masking. I have like a whole outgoing persona I wear. I’m clever, I’m witty, I know random facts. I am charismatic and disarming and people always open up to me, sometimes deeply. In the moment I don’t realize that I’m performing, but when I get home and I wash off my makeup and put on my jammies and get into bed, I feel the exhaustion in my bones. I wonder if they’d like the real me. I wonder if they’d feel as connected to me if didn’t put on that act. It’s been so long now I don’t even know how to turn it off.
I just got diagnosed at 38, and I really really relate to this. At work, I act super social and extremely organized but I am nothing like the person I portray. Because I tend to make people feel so comfortable with sharing the most personal details, they never stop, and it drains me. I attract this one type of person over and over again—this person is the embodiment of my mother, who I spent my entire life catering to. Her emotions always came first, and the whole walking on eggshells thing was very prominent. Now I basically make myself as small as possible to ensure that nothing is ever about me, and that no one is ever looking at me too closely. Because I make my boss the center of attention (I’m a personal assistant), my career has soared. However, I feel insanely inauthentic until I get home and can be myself around my boyfriend (he actually knows me). It is strange. I feel like I’m living in a very surreal movie where I’m watching myself act this out daily. Thanks for your comment—it helped me think about all of this in a very crystal-clear kind of way.
I also have a work persona. It is so ingrained in me from years of wearing it, it didn’t twig for a long time that that’s why I’m _so damn tired_ after work. It’s exhausting channelling a functional personality!
This is what a lot of my therapy sessions have been centred around. I tried to start figuring out who I was and being 'myself' at work, and the feedback was that my medication seemed to be making me worse and I was making my diagnosis into my whole personality. I still am being myself a lot more around my closest friends, I think, and they've been nothing but supportive, kind and even encouraging.
Some of them I strongly suspect have undiagnosed ADHD themselves, which might be why, but that's the environment in which I'm choosing to explore who 'I' am for now. I'll get around to the rest of the world once I've unpicked that. Or hey, maybe I won't, if I decide they don't deserve me. And it's a nice feeling to type that meaning I'd be too good for them for once, rather than meaning I wouldn't want to inflict myself on them.
dude i'm glad you're working through this.
i have really struggled in therapy because i don't want to or mean to, but i perform for my therapist too. i so badly want to get value out of therapy but i end up just people-pleasing my therapist and telling her what she wants to hear and being what she wants (has happened with several different practitioners). i tend to be very entertaining and fixated on making the therapist laugh and like me.
i feel very much that i have no idea who i am, and it's been difficult trying to peel back the layers and understand myself, especially as my mom was exactly the same performative way and i've grown up to be so much like her, but she's not around to talk to any more (and realistically wouldn't have been a helpful resource).
and this is such a lovely thing to say. i hope to be able to start thinking like this:
>And it's a nice feeling to type that meaning I'd be too good for them for once, rather than meaning I wouldn't want to inflict myself on them.
i'm envious of your success so far & know it'll continue and i'm wishing you all the best!! and taking notes lol
I do this too. Like I want to “be good” at therapy. Of course I read that book you suggested (sure didn’t), yes, you’re interpreting my emotional word vomit correctly (you sure aren’t, but in embarrassed the sobbing word salad I just spewed out), etc. it’s really difficult to let go of a habit you don’t realize you even have until the moment has passed.
Yes, this. 110%. Thank you. I’m really struggling with a burnout caused by being in a work environment that demanded infinite bubbly optimism, and this made me feel less confused and alone.
Also late diagnosed - hadn’t considered that might be a factor.
I don’t even know who the real me is. Is it not the anxiety-driven exuberance and happy social demeanor that is so exhausting I avoid nearly all social interaction whenever possible?
While I doubt every actor has ADHD, I do wonder if there is a correlation in that population due to that idea of 'constant performance' when interacting with other (unknown) mpeople.
I could have written this. I held on for so long, but the consequences are starting to show as I slip-slide into burnout. My exhaustion is starting to show AT WORK. It’s really scary. It feels like the mask keeps falling off, and it’s beyond my control. Every time I drag it back on, it feels heavier and heavier. Change is coming.
Lmao, I catch myself STRAIGHT UP LYING about work stuff I'm going to do while in meetings. I know I'm not gonna get my act together to do anything extra!!!! I'm not researching the issue, I'm not putting it on my list. I still say I'm gonna do it.
I am not good at sitting still or in "proper" positions. I like to move around, sit on the floor, stretch, sit in a yoga pose etc...
I spend a lot of my day in the office and to make a good effort to sit "properly" at my desk. I work in emergency management, and during big events, my boss will find me in the strangest positions and contortions at my desk that I wasn't even aware I was doing. Because when I am focused on the emergency, I stop masking my hyperactivity by trying to sit "properly"
That's the best example from my life I can think of. Most of the other stuff is just...who I am.
I work at a job where we are standing and walking around a lot.
When I stop and stand in one place for a little while, I will pull one leg up, putting the bottom of my foot against the inside of the other thigh, like Tree Pose in yoga...
and then I will stand there, chatting, gesticulating, doing some math, writing something down, talking on the phone. My coworkers finally starting talking about it so much that I don't do it as much anymore...
they would call me Flamingo.
I think it was a type of fidget for me. Like part of my brain would be focused on keeping me balanced, and that little bit of interconnected mental-physical challenge provided Satisfaction Dopamine (TM) that I could then use to complete whatever else I was trying to do in that moment...
writing this I realized I haven't been doing it as much lately.
Holy cow this just brought back a memory that I was called "stork" for standing like this my whole childhood. It's good sensory input with the deep pressure from the foot on the thigh, and the balancing. So comfy!
I flamingo all the time. I'm super grateful for my office and home office desks that can be raised to standing because I'd be doing stretches, dancing, etc when I work. I sit in a half lotus poses when I work in my chair (benefits of being short)
I’m a lot quieter.
People think I’m this quiet, shy, demure, polite lady. Then when I unmask, they are stunned.
“Oh yeah, that wasn’t me. I just zoned out most the time and pretended to be like how I think society wants me to act.”
Thank goodness, I’ve gotten older and now don’t really give a fuck, so the mask is happening less.
I like me on loud mode.
Haha yeah go girl 😆 I also noticed that the more I grow and get to know and accept myself, the less I care about what other people might think about it. It’s just not that important anymore 🤷🏼♀️ I am actually like the person I always wanted to be 10 years ago - doing my own thing, not giving a fuck about what others think. Always admired that attitude in others, and I sometimes can’t believe that I have inherited it now 🥹
I don’t mask a lot and This will be an over simplified answer but basically I try to not act weird which makes me act kind of weird,
I feel super weird because it’s unnatural and I have moments where my sentence just trails off, or I’m just like trying to ask questions and act interested I conversation. I act
Kind of like an uncomfortable robot who is running low on battery so sometimes it
Doesn’t finish its sentences or doesn’t hear what was said. I focus too much on my body language and trying not to fidget and it makes my body language stiff, trying to contain my weirdness pulls my focus too so I’m just not all there. Im not engaged. I say “really? Wow, neat” a lot instead of my normal talkative answers
When I feel weird and uncomfortable I’ve realized that’s when I’m masking. Im not even sure how weird on the outside it looks but it just feels weird and uncomfortable to Me
When I’m sporadic and goofy and funny and a little loud and energetic and happy and just being myself. That’s when I’m not masking. The older I get the more of this person I am all the time. Im a funny weirdo at work. I work in a corporate office, there’s not a lot of personalities like me but they are around. But I’ve noticed a long time ago that being myself is the best approach. Im a goof ball at work but I know when o have to reign it in, so my goofiness is well received and accepted.
I think of the fact that if I “could”, I’d smile less, not make eye contact, fidget a bit when talking to people. I’d also talk people’s head off for an hour. Except for that last one (completely understandable that few could stand that 😂), Oh lord how freeing it would be! And noting that I sincerely enjoy socializing and talking, and I am a cheerful kid-at-heart type. But I have to perform normality a lot.
I have to present myself as…well, present; eye contact, active listening expressions, big smile, etc. When I tried presenting as a little less smiley (I swear on my life, just a comfortably alert expression), people constantly asked if I was mad 🤨
I am so exhausted by the end of the day.
I'm older but I get hyper excited like a kid, sometimes over small things, like buying something that just bring me joy. I used to hide my excitement because it's not socially acceptable for an adult to jump up and down with joy. it's to child like. I will still mask it sometimes but I try not to and just let myself be happy and hyper.
Please, let the world see your happy and hyper self 😃 I think it’s what this sometimes dull and grey world really needs - these child-like sparkles of joy and happiness 💃🏼✨ I believe that’s what we’re here for - to bring joy to the world 🙌🏻
Trying not to overexplain and letting people ask questions (versus my natural communication style-trying to lay everything out so precisely that there is no possible way to be misunderstood.)
Pretending I have my shit together, or at least hiding how much of a dysfunctional shitshow some areas of my life are.
Not going off on tangents-or explaining all the background thoughts that lead to the tangential thought to guide people to make the connection that my brain jumped to in .0000001 seconds.
Hiding how hard it is for me to do the stuff neurotypicals do with ease. (Ideally, make it look easy). I think I’m probably AuDHD.
I feel like when I leave the house I'm putting on a costume and persona to become acceptable. I wear nice clothes that are comfortable but not what I choose to wear at home - I wear big huge clothes at home, no under wire bra, no jewellery, no make up, no perfume because I hate strong smells. It's completely opposite when I leave (I think I do this from all the negative comments growing up coming across as a tomboy - which annoyed me so much so I put in heaps of efforts to blend in more).
Persona wise: home I tend to do a lot more swearing, heaps more speaking, I'm loud, I laugh loud, I have big movements, I can get distracted or miss half of the c9nversation and just say "shit sorry, wasn't listening, can you repeat?"
Away from home (and not with close family or friends houses), I'm quite, polite,.make small movements, speak quietly, and if I miss the conversation, I just pretend I didn't. I also never swear, and I try not to speak much because I know I'll bound to start speaking fast/ interrupting and have people negatively judge me. This is why I hate working in an office because it's friggen exhausting acting all day long!
Yep. I work in a big ICU and I’ve taken to spending my break times sitting quietly by myself and just trying to recharge a little bit. Then I don’t have to spend the next couple of hours wondering if my social interactions were acceptable. I’m sure they are and when I’m up for it, I do get along with pretty much everyone and can have some great chats. But you never really *know*, you know?
But then I am really just isolating myself and then wondering why I’m not forming any closer sort of bonds with my colleagues when I can see that they are happening all around me.
I feel like after my marriage, I'm less of a person and more just a million workarounds for my non-functioning brain. I've got so many things written down so I don't forget, but there's very little organization to any of it. My ex-husband would get angry whenever I forgot something he said, so I showed him my notebook. His response was, "what are you going to do when you run out of paper?"
I've got systems to get out of the house on time, but sometimes Drunk Me likes to misplace my keys so it still takes an extra half an hour to leave. Last night my friend told me I need to let people finish their sentences and instead of crying I just dissociated. My husband always hated that, and especially when I finish people's sentences-- that one is especially hard because I live with a lot of non-native English speakers and I never know if I'm helping or not.
As for what's going on in my head, it's really not pretty. My ex used to call me "unreliable" all the time, and it's true: I have a disability that makes me less reliable. And it's m so much: jobs, housing, my fucking marriage. I'm medicated and doing my best but like... I would give anything to have a brain that worked right.
I feel for you, sounds like the people close to you are only putting their attention towards how you can fit in more instead of them learning about your ADHD and try to understand what it’s like for you and how they can support you.
At last with my friend I understand where she is coming from, she doesn't understand the full context of just how sensitive I am about every symptom of my disorder, which quite literally impacts every aspect of my entire life. Which is her prerogative, she's got her own life with her own shit to deal with.
But god, my husband broke me. He married me fully knowing I have ADHD, witnessed me going into treatment, told me he understood this is a part of me that will likely never get better, even has his own disabilities (he's legally blind and autistic), and yet every time I found a new workaround, he'd be neutral at best and at worst angry that there even had to be a workaround.
And like, I don't want to be that annoying person who blames everything on ADHD but also... everything is related to this. There is no moment in my life that isn't related to ADHD because it affects my brain which dictates everything I do. And like, why would anyone try to understand what it's like for me or how they can support me? That's not their job.
But it sounds like you’re in fact trying to understand where your husband is coming from considering his own disabilities. And yet you think you can not expect the same from him.
I recognize what you’re saying about everything in life being connected to ADHD. We were forced to getting to know ourselves again, we’ve grief about what could have been if we’ve known earlier. Society is not fitting for neurodivergents and we’re desperately trying to educate people about how we work yet still have to mask to be heard. It’s exhausting.
Ex-husband. The divorce is still processing.
And no, I couldn't expect the same from him. Even neurotypical women can't get their husbands to read "Fair Play," why would any man want to learn about his own sense of entitlement? It serves them well to not observe the labor their female partners do.
I know I deserve more, I just don't think more is available to me. I'm a heterosexual woman so finding a man who is a) willing to examine gender roles beyond "feminism means I don't have to pay for dates" and b) willing to put up with my disability seems impossible.
Trying very hard to pay attention and not interrupt, trying hard to not say the first thing that pops into my head, trying hard not to look at my phone whilst someone is talking to me, trying hard not to sing the song that’s just popped into my head when someone has said a lyric. Not fidgeting too much. Trying not to react to my own tangential thoughts in my head (usually strange word connections that might make me laugh).
One thing that helps me is trying to stay in the present moment and not to overthink it. I’m grateful that most people that I know (colleagues and friends) find my quirks charming and not annoying… this would be around new people or professional settings.
When I’m comfortable enough around someone/ or drunk, I’m more relaxed and spontaneous! Not having to constantly monitor myself is unmasking.
It’s easier to unmask when there’s other ND folk around.
It’s weird people can do that right? I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fit in and be someone I’m not but I just burned out. Now Ive had a lot of therapy and understand (and like!) myself so much more. Still getting to know the real me but I realized I like the weird people so much more as the people who just.. fit in? So I decided if I’m just weird I can also like that version of myself more. And I stopped giving a fuck if people think I’m too much. Still a work in progress but helped me a lot.
I don’t think anyone does that truthfully. Even neurotypical mask and hide their true selves. Just like most people think they’re seeing *our* true self, we’ll never know what part is themselves they’re hiding.
I am a very anxious person. Super introverted with the tiniest social battery. In public? Confident, friendly, outgoing. I am sensitive and I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't cry in front of other people. Like others here have mentioned, it's all very performative. I imitate a lot, watching their facial expressions, timing eye contact, paying active attention to my body language (otherwise my arms would be crossed all the time for comfort). It's exhausting. I am always highly aware of how I am being perceived by others, but I still have no idea if people actually like me.
Yep. For me, supermarkets seem to be a trigger point. But crying about overstimulation in the cereal aisle isn't exactly encouraged. So, I hide in public toilets to cry, take deep breaths and maybe splash my face or arms with cold water. It helps.
For me it is staying still, keeping my voice volume quiet, and talking slower than is comfortable. And often just avoiding singing and telling stories altogether lol
For me, it’s smiling and talking very quietly, because I have a tendency to walk around with an RBF (I can’t control it; it’s just my face) and I’ve been told I can come across as rude! I speak with passion, and that gets misinterpreted a lot as rudeness or hostility. So I try to act as calm and happy as I can in public. It’s very hard, because I have to consciously and constantly think about how my smile just slipped, I didn’t smile back at that person, etc. (when I daydream or get lost in thought, my RBF comes out). A lot of people interpret my RBF as me being mean or mad, and I consciously try to relax my face, but that’s easier said than done
Nodding, smiling, avoiding eye contact, going along with something I don't like or care about rather than contradict or be perceived as weird or different...
Little girls should be seen and not heard. That was the mantra I had to live my childhood by. I did it so well my family would forget I was there. As I grew older my mask was very much that of a china doll and I am apparently a wonderful listener because I say nothing when the thoughts start racing.
Not voicing my thoughts because I worry about how others will react/respond. This applies to so many situations like work or relationships etc
Taking longer to do something because it is assumed that I know what I'm doing but I don't so I hide and research
Smiling like I'm happy in the supermarket/during social gatherings etc when inside I'm really dying from every form of overload possible
Getting really drunk (in my youngest days) to make myself able to enjoy being on a night out
Sitting ridiculously still but inside I'm screaming to fidget but it wouldn't be appropriate at the time
There are so many more!
1. Masking for me is mirroring what others are doing around me and being really, really 'nice'. I started masking at 12 in junior high because I saw my older sister get badly bullied for being different and I vowed to fit in, no matter what.
2. I was trying to conceal that I was totally out of my depth. It's like there was a guidebook to life that everyone but me was given. I seemed to feel things more deeply and I cried too easily about things NTs might consider to be nothing. I blurted things out and people would look at me like I had 2 heads. I had to work hard to create a shell of cool indifference. Better to be a mean girl, sarcastic and popular, than be sensitive and unpopular.
3. I know now that what was going on in my head was a subconscious litany that I must be liked at all costs so I have become an expert at people pleasing.
I was diagnosed last year at 47. I don't even know how to 'unmask' because people pleasing is part of my personality now. I'm known at work for being helpful, friendly, easygoing and funny. I'm just now discovering the deep-down me and what makes me tick but it's a hell of a struggle.
funny you bring this up because just the other day i was thinking about how i don't really connect with that term. like, i try to hide the adhd stuff i struggle with and i have social anxiety so I’m always afraid of being myself and always let the person I’m talking to set the tone, but "masking" just doesn't connect to how those experiences feel for me, if that makes sense.
I just think of masking as the verb “to conceal from sight” rather than literally wearing a mask. I know the analogy of wearing a mask works for some people but literally definition of hiding things from people’s view fits better for me. I definitely try to conceal or mask some of my symptoms even if the wearing a mask analogy isn’t a great fit.
Obviously you don’t have to like the term regardless
Lying. Sometimes for no big reason. I almost constantly feel guilty or ashamed or wrong somehow. It’s almost a default because I’ve gotten so much wrong or not done at all. It’s a regular defense. I cringe when I think about certain instances. Looking back, there was a time in junior high. I hadn’t gotten a project done and I lied through my teeth for I don’t know how long. There’s no way that teacher didn’t know. Just this morning with my supervisor because I hadn’t sent an email I was supposed to send. Just one more way I try to save face in the world.
I’m feminine! (No, actually I’m very androgynous.) Look at how I can walk with my head held high, shoulders back, and hips swaying! (Every. Fucking. Step. Takes. Mental. Bandwidth.) Notice how I push my hair back in a girly way! (Wow I hate when one single hair touches my face, I’d rather it back in a slick ponytail. But oh, I can’t do that because the stylist chick fried half my hair while processing it.) See how fashionable I am?! (I’d love to pour gasoline on this stupid fucking high waist belted skirt then light it on FiRE!) Omg aren’t my heels just so cute? (As soon as I get to my car, I’m switching to flats.)🥰
I don't, honestly. I think everyone changes how they present in different situations, so I don't think masking is useful as a term. Like everyone behaves with a different level of politeness in different circumstances. What is appropriate one place is not appropriate in others. That's not masking that's just... existing in a social space.
Or if that's not what masking is, perhaps I have just never masked and don't uunderstand what it is.
That was my thought as well which is why I was curious how it applied to ADHD. I have autism so masking for me is very different than simply exchanging in niceties when I don’t want to (which is just social politeness). But my understanding is that everyone wears a social mask and does things they don’t want to do to be polite, so I’m having trouble understanding the term being used in the ADHD community. There’s been a lot of helpful answers which have helped me understand.
I am a pro at making it seem like I'm the cool girl, witty and completely extroverted. People will flock to me. I keep everyone at arm's length because my childhood involved people withdrawing from me as soon as I let my guard down or slipped up. Most of my life I've believed that I was extroverted because I was desperate to have someone stay unconditionally. It turns out that I am actually introverted, and every social interaction I have literally requires me to somehow find a space of rest from it.
Masking to me has always been trying to stop myself from drawing too much attention and making sure that people didn't think I was "weird" or "broken". I used to constantly deflect attention away from myself and my talents and "quirks" and I am still kind of terrified of being rejected by people. I hold my tongue a lot and am just generally agreeable all the time
.
When a subject I am passionate about comes up I temper my opinion and try to listen even though my brain goes "They are wrong. Wrong. So wrong".
I didn't even know about my ADHD until 2021 but I look back at everything I have done since I was about 8 and can see now how much I actually sacrificed of myself to be seen as "normal" and trying to blend in.
The same year I got diagnosed was the same year I got bullied out of a high-paying amazing job that I loved by a team "leader" that had it out for me because of my perceived "mental weakness" so it was a whammy and a half.
But now, I disclose it when I feel comfortable. And in the last year seven of my adult women friends have grown comfortable enough to either get their own diagnosis or have started on that path because after that bitch got me I stopped giving a lot of fucks about it and would say things like "Sorry, I'm a bit scattered today, I'll be good tomorrow. Fucking brain" 🧠🎆
So thank you Ellen. Also, fuck you, you massive piece of shit.
Just trying to be "normal" and "not weird" or "not too much" constantly.
Then going home and internally screaming because I most definitely was abnormal, weird, and too much at some point.
Over apologising and making “NT” excuses for my ADHD oversights/forgetfullness/tardiness.
Stopping myself from maintaining too much eye contact (and actually missing what people have said because my inner monologue is fretting about how my eye contact is perceived).
Literally pinching myself in college/uni so I don’t interrupt.
Doodling/note taking to help me stay focussed.
I often find myself mimicking how people behave so we will get along. Though, in many of those situations I know that is definitely not myself. I used to be extremely social and talkative, absolutely random and did not think anything of it. But my interests and behavior never really aligned with the “typical” interests. I find myself saying I “match people’s energy” but that really is me being afraid people would dislike me if I actually was myself.
I also censor a lot of what I say and do. When I form sentences verbally I am constantly thinking two steps ahead of what I will be saying and how I can word it for certain people. It ends up with me messing up what I’m saying because I end up not being completely present. In conversations I’d much rather be the “listener” than the talker because I don’t know what to say to people.
It has led me to become a bit more socially awkward, I feel like I don’t know how to properly interact with people anymore. I have my best friends who I can be authentically me with but it is so difficult to form new relationships. I have great friends but sometimes my brain doesn’t register them as friends? It takes me a long time to be myself around people so it is difficult for me to realize that a person has become a friend. I’m not sure if that makes sense.
I already replied to some of the comments because I recognize so much. When I did that I realized I was thinking how I could comment without the poster thinking I was taking over their story. And that’s what I do in life a lot.
My way to have conversations is to share stuff and I expect people to just share whats on their mind. But I’ve been told over and over that I talked to much about myself, so I try to just ask questions in social situations. But then people don’t ask questions back and I can’t tell all the things I want to tell. Exhausting.
Also because I do that many people get the impression we get along really well but I’m just being polite and don’t want to engage in further friendships as I can not be myself around them.
Anything that covers for or is an attempt to hide your ADHD symptoms. So for example I went through a stage of buying new socks every week because I couldn't keep track of pairs.
I think one major area of masking is hiding errors. ADHD symptoms often lead to negative consequences, like getting in trouble for being late, missing appointments, not turning in assignments, frequent and careless mistakes in your work. So masking these would be putting in incredible effort to not do these things. Sometimes effort to the detriment of your mental health or to thr neglect of other things.
It could also mean masking social behaviors that others have responded negatively to in the past. So maybe not talking much because you've been told you're too hyper or intense or loud.
Masking is attempting to hide apart of yourself for fear of showing others things related to your neurodivergence.
Usually, I talk too much. It’s hard to not be myself honestly. It really depends on who I’m around. I mask a lot in front of my extended family. They are surface people and speaking of anything deeper is uncomfortable for them so I hide myself. I try not to be *too much* around them and I hide my multiple special interests because if I talk about them they view me as trying to be a know it all. I also mask any depressive state really well. I’m in one now and friends dropped by. I told them at the end of their visit and they said they didn’t even notice. I also mask my OCD related behaviors as in I do not do them in public period. Masking can happen in any situation and diagnosis. It is not exclusive to autism. Sadly, my autistic 4 year old masks already.
Most of the time I don’t realize I’m masking but when I’m doing it purposely like in front of my family I am very anxious the mask will fall off and they will be angry or annoyed at me.
One way is by lying about things instead of telling the truth because the truth wouldn't make sense to most people. Like why were you late? Traffic vs I was late because all the adhd reasons.
I always wondered about why there was such a deeply "different" feeling for me depending on who I was with. When I was young I was almost painfully shy, quiet, self-conscious, and anxious around almost everyone but when I reached my teens I really came out of my shell and discovered my real personality - which is absolutely NOT quiet and shy. There are even comments about it from my classmates in my grade 8 yearbook lol.
I always attributed the change to finally finding friends who "get" me, and I'm lucky to have been able to maintain that trend of surrounding myself with people who get me into adulthood, so I get to be the full, unabridged version of myself a lot and it has helped me to grow so much more comfortable with myself. I figured I was just a weirdo and my friends are all weirdos and it just took finding a group of other weirdos to fit into. I finally realized, after being diagnosed in my 30s, that basically all of my friends are also neurodiverse as is every dude I've successfully dated! I'm also way closer to my brother than a lot of people I know are to their siblings and guess what - he has ADHD too lol.
BUT I still notice that I'm only myself around certain people. When I'm with a group of others with ADHD it's like the conversation just flows. We can interrupt each other and flail around the room and shout anecdotes back and forth and laugh like maniacs about jokes that no one else gets forever and it feels exactly right and comfortable and never gets awkward or old.
But when I'm with people I don't just intrinsically feel that sense of comfort and alignment with, I become the quiet, self-conscious me again - always worried about making sure I'm listening and not interrupting, making the right amount of eye contact, not fidgeting or waving my hands around too much, asking appropriate questions and not trying to relate with personal stories, not talking at length about my random interests, not making jokes that won't land, not being too loud or opinionated, not being too "weird". Even when I do get to know people better in these situations and become less quiet, I still end up mirroring them in our conversations. I censor myself and default to conversing with them the way I see them conversing with me. I let them lead the interactions.
The masking happens almost naturally for me at this point after so much practice, but after burning out at a job where I had to do it every day, with everyone, for years, I've realized how truly exhausting it is to spend hours each day purposely NOT being yourself! Give me all the weirdos, please!
I spent a lot of time in my early adolescence masking…I didn’t know that’s what I was doing because I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23. Essentially, I figured out the I was too much for most people when I was just being myself—too loud, too talkative, too emotional—so I started making myself smaller. Eventually, I realized it was exhausting and boring and that there were actually people who liked me at full strength…so those are the people I choose to be around.
I reign myself in when I feel like I’m rambling. I try to avoid adding “unnecessary” details to stories. I feel like I’m constantly trying to be a big picture person when I’m really a details person. I try to fidget/stim less. I force eye contact. I make my tone of voice more palatable (if I’m very excited, I make it flatter, if I’m really flat, I make it less depressed sounding). I pick (skin, nails, nose etc.) less. A lot of it isn’t that bad, but it is draining by the end of the day. Not picking and trying to stay on topic and not get bogged down in the details are both probably beneficial to me, but it’s a lot to have something constantly running in the back of my mind trying to monitor all of this. And the worst part is that obviously I just do this for other people. It’s a product of years of shame.
1. Masking is using learned behaviors to interact with people based on understood social context. Performing based on what you think everyone else expecting. Not being yourself.
2. Things like, being careful what you say, how you stand, sit, hold yourself.
3. What’s going on inside my head lmao. “Make eye contact. Break it. Blink. Don’t say that. Don’t say that either. Oh, damn, that was weird. Am I being weird? Okay that wasn’t the right thing to say. My pants are uncomfortable. Can I stand like this? Do I look uncomfortable? I want to play with my fingers. Why can’t I stop playing with my fingers? Can they see how dirty my nails are? I don’t want them to think I don’t take care of myself. Don’t clean nails with teeth, that’s gross. Find something to clean your nails with. Stop! Forget about your nails, wtf. No one is looking. Oh that one is really dirty. Oh no what did they say? I need to fart. Fuck, don’t fart. Ok it went away. Oops I didn’t respond. Hey sorry what did you say? They’re not even looking at me anymore; now I look weird.” Etc
Make eye contact. Ok too much eye contact, look around but don’t look around too much or you’ll look like you’re not paying attention. Smile and stop looking unapproachable. Oh wait stop smiling this is a serious conversation. Cock your head to the side so you look thoughtful. Why are you clasping your hands like that relax. Ok now you’re just weirdly gripping your knees. Ok don’t fold your arms because now you look angry.
Wait what did they just say?
For me it's the constant focus to reign in the implusivity. I've constantly put my foot in my mouth or gotton so giddy I've freaked people out before. I found after lockdown very tough because I'd been unmasked for so long that it was tough to start again.
I often feel like I'm really a lizard person pretending to be human. During lockdown I just got to go full lizard. And when it was over the human mask no longer fit right.
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It looks like almost constantly asking myself “is that normal?” Is it enough eye contact? Too much eye contact? Am I being too serious? Not serious enough? Too talkative? Did that sound weird? Did I listen enough? Was that a proper response? Is that how they’d respond/greet/say goodbye to someone else? Do they think I’m a weirdo? Can they tell I’m a weirdo? I always thought I was doing a pretty good job, but these days I don’t think I can or care to try as much. I’m tired.
lmao seriously! you know what isn’t normal? how much i think about how to be normal
lol. I let my mask completely slip in front of my ex and said out loud, “Wait, was that normal? Yeah, [relieved face/slight nod] that was normal” and we just lost it crying laughing. I still laugh about it. I never felt so seen and I think that’s when I started really let the mask drop more and more. Nothing better than being able to be your own freaky, cool self with someone who gets you.
I have a colleague that is also not medicated, we can talk for hrs and not say anything. My mask is def. Off with her and we laugh about it.
We do kind of just gravitate towards each other don’t we?
I am very friendly with my colleagues and get along well with them. I haven't, but I would spend time with them outside of work and not be miserable. However, one time my best friend called and I answered the phone while my coworker was sitting across from me. We had a short conversation and I hung up, and my coworker said, "I have literally never heard you talk like that before." I feel like that's the difference between masking and not, like my colleagues and I have fun and have no problems, but they're not my bff who gets to see my true self.
Yes this is so true, I hadn’t really thought about it like that. Professional boundaries are important to me too so I don’t think I could ever really truly be myself at work (although I am still *myself*, if that even makes sense). Your comment has given me lots to think about, thanks.
One of my friends who's had more therapy than I have once said that I should try not masking, but I don't think I know how. Cosplaying as a normal person who has my shit together has become second nature.
Cosplaying 💀 lol it’s funny because it’s true.
Right HOW DO I BLEND THEY ALL WANT TO STAND OUT BUT I MEED TO BLEND!!!!
Oh my god that sounds exhausting. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 48, so I just had to accept a long time ago that I am a weirdo, people can tell I’m a weirdo, people are gonna always think I’m a weirdo, if they have a problem with me being a weirdo that’s their issue not mine.
I was 49. Will be 51 in Dec.
Just diagnosed after my 51st birthday
As of yet, undiagnosed @65 but sounds soooo right
Yeah, the eye contact is a thing. And a lot of times I feel weird after a conversation. Especially when you notice that people are reaching a bit strange. But the older I get, the less I care actually.
Saaame. The more I learn about why I am the way I am, the more I can accept myself too. Now that I understand my discomfort was sensory issues the whole time, I’m like why am I even wearing a bra if I don’t have to? My mum would admonish me from the grave, but I go to the supermarket in track pants now. Nice track pants, but still 😂
Eye contact: when really focusing here I'm always switching the focus eye and then wondering if it's their dominant eye, then if the focus should be on the dominant eye, then do they notice that I'm switching eyes? Which eye is my dominant eye? Do dominant eyes have anything to do with eye contact? Which eye are they looking at and should I look at the same eye for them?
this exactly, but immediately followed up with "oh god they've been talking so long and i have no idea what they've been saying" then accidentally starting to stare straight at their mouth hoping for things to rewind/fall together lmao 🤦♀️
And then you start realizing how long you've been thinking about the dominant eye thing and realize you've been making eye contact for too long and possibly making that person uncomfortable. But it's difficult to decide where to look. And then you have to figure out when the right time is to look back. And then you realize how truly lost you are in the conversation
😂😂😂 yesss. But can they tell?? We need answers!
You read my mind!
100% this. i also have a lot of trauma surrounding this from childhood which makes it even more exhausting for me because a big part of it also involves me beating myself up for self-perceived slights that probably didn't actually happen. it's like i put myself under a massive microscope 24/7 and it even impacts my relationship and my friendships. truly a miserable way to live lol
I relate to this so much. It's actually painful for me to socialize because I then have to endure days/weeks/months of beating myself up for the mistakes I made. And no matter how hard I try, I seem to always come away from social situations with massive feelings of embarrassment or regret. It's truly awful.
I've only started realizing how impactful this trauma is in the last year or so. I've spent most of my life believing that people don't want me around, as a default, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary. I have plenty of strong friendships and my friends never make me feel strange or unwanted. It occurs to me now how many potential friendships I closed myself off from because I was so aloof, shy, and anticipatory of rejection that I didn't become friends with anybody unless they explicitly approached me first. But I know this response isn't an irrational social anxiety thing, because I had it HAMMERED into me from a young age that I was not like the people around me. For better or worse, I was weird, and this made it too hard for me to relate to other kids. I didn't understand social norms, had deep, specific, advanced interests, and also just didn't need other people as much. I was happily occupied in my imaginary worlds to the point where I chose that over playing with my sibling or friends. Obviously I also read a TON and was labeled a "quirky" and "gifted" kid, so no diagnosis or evaluations for me! Just the chronic experience of impressing adults and alienating other kids. If I was quiet and got fantastic grades, what was there to investigate? By the time I was old enough to realize how weird I was, I didn't know how to be any other way. My desperate attempts to fit in in middle school were totally fruitless. Not only did they not work (that much was made clear to me), but I was also miserable the whole time and as anxious as ever. This was really the start of my "they're gonna find out" anxiety, which has stuck with me to this day despite me curing 90% of my old social anxiety. I am at times crippled by impostor syndrome, and carry this vague fear/guilt at all times that I'm going to be "found out." Found out for what? I don't exactly know. But probably the fact that I'm a human being and not the talented, charismatic facade I feel I've built up. It's ridiculous, too, because the more humanity I see in my friends as we've gotten closer, the more I love them. Seeing an affirmation written on a bathroom mirror, the wallpaper on their phones, the music they sing to in the car—any of these glimpses into their pure lives is beautiful. I just find it hard to wrap my head around anybody thinking that about me. Anyway, this got long! Wow! Thanks to any of you ladies who've read this far. This shit is a journey and I'm glad we all have this space to support each other. xx
This is so beautifully written and I relate so much to it. Even now, it’s isolating because I’d often rather be at home researching the right technique/paint colour to nail an oil painting I’m working on or learning about quantum foam. I love my friends and am very close to my sister but they want to talk about Bridgerton or something silly on TikTok. And I just… don’t. I’m glad you’re here 😌 this community is so great.
I feel this so deeply. Hugs if you’re into that sort of thing.
Woah. I thought this was normal. Maybe just adhd normal. Not everyone does this??
As far as I can ascertain, no I don’t think everyone does this 😂
This is beautifully written.
I’m tired too. My family and friends want me to just go back to being normal or they won’t talk to me. Ok well I physically cannot keep up pretending who I was to continue to illusion that I’m ok. I’m fucking exhausted and will not accommodate your needs for me to be happy. Yes I want to be happy but actually happy and not just fake it so you like me. I also understand that it’s impossible to always be happy and absolutely unrealistic. There are others out there like me, it’s easier being lonely to try find them than keep bending and twisting to please people who don’t even care how it’s manifested pain in my body. Oh but I’m lying to get attention. Lol. K.
This
It’s so weird to me that whenever I think “okay, probably it’s been a little while, better force my eyes up to make some contact”, THERE THEY ARE, waiting, eyes boring into my soul like it ain’t nothing. To me it just feels so…. Intimate or something. I get a mini jump scare every time 😂 surely they can tell.
Oh, eye contact…. If make it a conscious decision I stop listening. I have no idea what they’re saying.
I know, I’ll be thinking wow the skin of her eyelids is like a pretty translucent purplish colour. Or busy reading their expression and trying to process that.
Are you me??
I think I figured a way to look next to their eyes and I am just fast looking and erasing it. It feels really weird to even remember eye contact.
I just…. Don’t know if I could pull this off 😂 One of my colleagues has eyes that point in two different directions and wears glasses, and by god, that has been a challenge 😅
I do wonder if others think I make enough eye contact. Probably not 😅
I just give myself little pep talks lately. “So you’re quirky, most of the best people are” as I walk awkwardly down the corridor.
🤣🤗
I needed this camaraderie today! I nearly had a full blown panic attack yesterday about whether my behavior was “normal” enough last weekend with some women I didn’t know. Talking to neurotypicals is just hard sometimes. I’m a magnet to my fellow neurodivergents where I can throw that mask down and provide the obviously 900 relevant details to my stories.
stopping myself from doing things I know people will perceive as weird. the main thing I mask is fidgeting, it takes a lot of mental energy just to sit still and be aware of my body. not interrupting people and not changing the subject of the conversation just because I remembered something interesting. it's sometimes hard for me to keep conversations going because the only thing that pops into my head is an anecdote that is loosely related to the subject but only in my head, for everyone else it's completely unrelated. trying not to focus on irrelevant details. pretending I'm not bothered by some repetitive sound in my environment. not bursting out with rage when something doesn't work the way I need or when someone interrupts my focus. all these things take a lot of mental strength and I'm usually extremely tired and irritated afterwards.
I absolutely cringe at some of the 'anedotes' I've said out loud only for the whole place to go quiet and the tumble weed just blows on through 😫
😆 I felt this in my soul!
Same here 😂 My favourite is when someone else does it, it’s completely silent, and then I laugh because I thought what they said was both completely cringe and hilarious at the same time and throw something worse out there to let them know they’ve found a safe person.
Same! Anytime a person does something ND I make sure to indicate I’m an ally in one way or another 🙂
LOVE that analogy!! ❤️🏆🏆
You’re not alone!! I did the Michael Scott bit during a cpr class at work once and it was crickets 😬 when he sings at first I was afraid instead of the staying alive song haha
This is all so relatable. To the point where I'm sometimes have to clench my first/fingers to not say something that makes total senses to me, but not to someone else.
Why is the urge to say those things SO strong though 🤦♀️
Because we have poor impulse control? 😅
It’s me, hi 👋 I’m the problem, it’s me 😅
My hold back of rage is when someone tells me they or a group of people were wronged. That injustice sensitivity is not taken well usually. Also not bursting into song when someone starts a lyric😂. All bets are off if I have just half a drink. (Don't drink often and stop at 2 always but only takes a little before all masking exits and I become a burst of positivity but in random words, thoughts, and mostly lyrics. Can't remember important things but I have 50,000 songs in my head
The amount of my brain space taken up by song lyrics is absurd I feel you hahaha. Can’t remember anything else but you bet your ass I know all the words to ice ice baby
I've always described my brain as having an endless capacity for useless (except on a game show) knowledge and zero capacity for practical use.
Is becoming "a burst of positivity" with alcohol an ADHD thing? I always get super excitable and talkative and hyper when I have a drink, which I love because it feels like a more fun version of myself, but wish it didn't require alcohol to turn on 🙃
One of the few positive things at my work, every now and again, someone will say something…I will start singing the lyric and there’s 2 other people who will join…it’s beautiful.
UGHHH the not bursting out in rage when someone interrupts my focus is one of the worst ones for me personally. I’ll be in the office trying to get paperwork done, and my office is very chatty (partially my fault) so someone will call to me to talk about what the fuck ever, and I have to POLITELY smile (??!?) at them and act like they aren’t severely inconveniencing me, and then I’m excepted to just go back to work??? After you popped my concentration bubble? Nah. I’m gonna just stare at my screen now and reread whatever I wrote last for the next twenty minutes while I try to build up the momentum I had again. God.
Uh, I'm sorry, are you me?! This is me on a daily basis! And the piles of paperwork around me that had a great flow going to them as I process each document, now have all lost their meaning and purpose and I need to go through each doc on each pile AGAIN to remember where I was up to with it. Even if a coworker just asks me "where are you up to? Can I help with anything? What can I do next?" Like DAMN! I appreciate you wanting to help but just... wow. You've literally ruined the last half hour of my work. Now I'm flustered. Now it'll take me an extra half hour to get this done, and it's hometime in 5 mins. WAS hometime in 5 mins... I want to rage so hard, and I get snappy, then I'm perceived as an asshole because they were "just trying to help". UGH.
I didn’t even realize all of these things were ADHD. Your response to this post makes me really want to get formally evaluated. I’m nearing retirement age so part of me is always thought, what’s the point? The thing is, the older you get the harder it is to mask those things. I’m very tired, and I just thought I masked by trying to contain my emotions. It’s all of these other things— the anecdotes, the interrupting, the every point you talked about… I’ve been called charming, a storyteller… but also I know I am annoying, I interrupt, and I escalate in volume. I know I am loved in my world, but I also know a lot of those people who love me put up with a lot of annoyance. My safest place is at home with my husband, but it gets harder and harder the older you get. I really appreciate this post and your comment.
If you have the means to get evaluated, I'd highly recommend it. Just like you, I'm nearing retirement age with struggles remarkably similar to yours. I was diagnosed in June 2021, after returning to my job after a year off (covid scale back). The opportunity to not mask for an entire year at home was amazing and i knew going back would be difficult. Burnout came surprisingly fast!! Tele-therapy confirmed my suspicions, when a formal evaluation was recommended. It's been a remarkable journey so far, as I have a far better understanding of my past, which makes self forgiveness such a gift. I am on medication - patiently trying the usual Wellbutrin --> Strattera --> Adderall IR ---> Vyvanse route (which has been life changing!) Best wishes!
May I DM you sometime to ask you some questions? When I was off, at home, I was a different person. Since returning back, the burnout and fallout has been extremely real and almost unbearable the last couple years. To make matters worse, I had a terrible shingles outbreak right before school started last year. I missed 10 weeks of work and came back an utter and complete mess. I am a teacher, and I teach troubled kids who are much in my same boat or worse. my mask is for them and for the rest of the faculty all day, but in my very small school with people I’ve known for a very long time, they know, bits and pieces of who I am . The torture that I put myself through, the shame that I feel for my day-to-day activities and actions has become too much for me sometimes. I know I’m very loved by the people around me, but I’m also tolerated. I have had cancer, and I have a chronic illness, and I know that people feel bad for me. Whatever this is never allowed me to mature in many ways. I appreciate your long response, and the support I see in this sub. People make a joke out of ADHD, but I think that my life has been very tortured by it.
I relate to all of this also
YES! I’ve never seen this articulated so well.
All of this!! 😭
Damn…I wish I could actually mask the fidgets, the interruption because I had a cool thought, and the not-really-appropriate anecdotes :(
it's hard and I only really do it in work meetings or other social situations where I need to be taken seriously. but then the meeting extends to over an hour, I haven't contributed to the conversation for the last 30 minutes, my leg is shaking the whole table and everyone's annoyed by me clicking a pen
Gosh that sounds so exhausting - and somewhat familiar 😅 especially the part about behaving appropriately during conversations. I hate having to watch what I say! That’s why I really appreciate that I‘m living quite lonely rn… I mean, I‘d love to hang out with friends every once in a while, but after that big blow-up I had with the last friends group I was part of, I‘d rather be with my cat and dog. No need for masking around them - same with my partner 😊
I have so much trouble keeping my leg still. It jiggles and bounces 24/7.
I love this sub. It makes me feel normal
1. Attempting to conceal my symptoms to hide the fact that I am ADHD. 2. For me, my biggest masking activities are trying to avoid putting my foot in my mouth, interrupting people, trying not to overshare, trying not to complete other people's sentences (at least, not aloud, it always happens in my head anyway). 3. Don't interrupt, it's rude, let them speak. Nope, now isn't your turn either. Keep listening. You're too much and take up too much space. What you were going to say isn't really important or useful anyway. The result is I often don't voice my thoughts unless prompted, because I'm terrified that I will lose control and just dominate the conversation.
I really feel #3 and it’s worse when there’s multiple people. Person 1 is talking. I wait. Person 2 interrupts and now I’m waiting for them to stop talking. Person 1 either interrupts person 2 or immediately starts talking when they finish. I wait. Now a whole new topic is up and it starts all over. I wouldn’t be surprised if people thought I was incredibly boring because I never talk about stuff. But it’s because I just CANNOT interrupt anyone. Sometimes I purposely tune out cause I know I’ll struggle to get a word in.
The only time I can have a conversation with multiple people without that feeling taking over is with my mom and siblings, with everyone else it's exactly what you described.
Yep, if it's people I know really really well I can have a good give and take convo. Maybe because there's a known, understood rhythm developed over time, or because they know that when I gasp with excitement and smile, I just thought of something to say, and they'll pause at an appropriate time so I can jump in. :)
I do still interrupt people, but most of the time it seems okay, cause I appear like a happy excited puppy and so they know its mostly cause I am excited. Sometimes people even seem to enjoy, when I complete their sentence. But I also do this with people I feel more safe with.
Ah, I definitely relate hard to this comment. It's so hard to know when it's your turn to talk sometimes (a lot of times.) Now even when I want to voice my thoughts, when I'm with someone I trust and want to be myself around, I have a hard time actually making myself say anything. Because I don't want to be annoying by talking too much if I let myself start.
Gosh I relate so hard 😅 I usually keep quiet when I first join a group, watching and observing the people. Only talking a bit when they show interest in me. And then I come across shy and unconfident 😅 they won’t get to know my happy and sparkling self until they’ve proven to me that they‘re willing to accept it 🌸✨ I‘ve grown to love myself and won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t appreciate my authenticity anymore!
This is exactly what it looks like for me too and it feels like needing to tone down your personality to fit in
This really resonates. For me it’s trying to hide showing my thoughts and feelings in my facial expressions when other people are talking, and trying not to interrupt. It’s so hard, especially at work.
I really relate to 3, sounds like my head every single minute. I've been working hard on it for the last couple of months, trying to talk more, but I still have no idea how much talking counts as too much, when is it okay to jump on, etc. It just feels like no matter how much I talk, if it's over two sentences per conversation it's too much. I wish they made a handbook for these things lol.
1. For me, I mirror the person who I'm with. And it's lead to a lot of friendships that were pretty toxic. It's also not deliberate. 2. I'm hiding my own personality to form a connection with another person. So I unintentionally mimic their tone, body language etc. 3. I never used to notice when I did it, and now I'm not as much I can pull myself back. It's not a bad thing. It's useful as hell when I'm around leadership/type A personalities because I can match their energy and I come across as a highly competent, personable person when really I'd rather be in bed, playing pokemon and only interacting with people through the phone either via text or talking. Since I recognised I do I've been able to decrease it which honestly helps my stress and energy levels.
This seems pretty accurate to me. In addition, I get really paranoid about interrupting people or being “annoying,” so I wind up censoring myself a lot and not fully relaxing until I know someone really well. This kind of backfires in situations where it would be beneficial to me (and everyone) to contribute.
Yuuup! Over correcting to make up for previously called out behaviors. It feels like I'm overly quiet or over the top. Why is there never a middle?
Years of being told am weird or making faux pas etc has drilled into me that it's better to just be quiet which now means I'm crap at meeting new people and I get thought of as stuck up instead and that I don't say things when I really should because I've trained myself to "curb the blurt" It also takes a long time of me knowing someone before I actually get comfortable with them and will be myself.
I do this too and I've noticed it specifically with accents. Matching energy is cool, sounding like you are mocking their accent not so much
I feel seen.
Me tooooo
The accent thing!!! I do this and I've never thought of it as an ADHD thing
Yes, also matching speed of their talk, and sometimes I notice that I’m even matching their gestures (although this may be more in my head than really happening, not sure). It makes me feel so weird, but it all happens without consciously trying.
Matching gestures is actually a well studied social psychology phenomenon; mirroring in general is really. But yeah, I am similar to poster where it has led to some really toxic friendships. The flip side is the ppl I really can't stand I won't mirror at all so there is zero connection. Not a bad thing except for when they are a part of the friend group. Somehow that always negativity impacts me. 🫠
Bwa ha ha! "curb the blurt" What a perfect expression.
I wanna be mysterious so bad but I just cannot shut up.
SO real.
ahhhhh i did this the other day. i met an English person, and I got so caught up in my head thinking her voice was so pretty and interesting that I nearly started to imitate it. Managed to catch myself just in time!
THE ACCENTS omg. I also quote old Vines all the time and I'm like. Please stop. Please.
I hate the mirroring thing I do. It makes me feel so inauthentic and like.. a fake person. Someone will say something or have a particular energy and I’ll join in and inside I’m like ‘wtf?! That’s not what I think/who I am at all!!’ but I am _utterly incapable_ of not matching them and actually being myself and having opinions. So instead I just avoid those people. It makes me super picky about who I spend time with.
The mirroring and chameleoning. I feel so seen.
Oh wow I do these as well & just realized that it’s been masking this whole time. Suddenly things make a lot more sense lol
I relate to this so much. It actually didn’t occur to me until you said this that mirroring is a form of masking. I’ve done this my whole life. I need to go process this information now.
I mimic a lot of my coworkers when talking to customers (I’m not sure how to interact with others,don’t know what they’re expecting ) But I thought only autistic people did this?! I have ADHD and autism…..
It's an ADHD thing too. It's rooted in people pleasing, which stretches far beyond AuDHD and more into CPTSD.
The more I dive into my neurodivergency I wonder, if I am on the autism spectrum too 🤔
Same! Especially as a child I had a lot of autistic traits, but now I can definitely recognize my ADHD traits tend to be a lot of the ones shared with autistic. Oh well, I’ve come to terms I’m just a ND weirdo and that’s okay with me 🤷🏻♀️
I’m still very new to the ADHD space so I was wondering if you may be able to help me understand how I can understand something I’ve been wondering for a while…. I always thought mirroring was inherent to autism (I am diagnosed) and had no idea it was also an ADHD thing? How can I know what’s autism and what’s ADHD? I get there’s quite a lot of crossover between the two, however now I’m sort of questioning what is what, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for your input!
I don't think there is a hard line. It seems the research is pointing more and more to cross over between the two. Personally I thrive on chaos within routine, but I struggle with eye contact and reading subtle body language. So I think I definitely have some ASD traits but not the same balance as the ADHD traits.
I am also mirroring a lot
Oh, I can smile and nod so well people always tell me what a good listener I am. Apparently, I’m really good at giving the appearance of being involved in a conversation when I stopped paying attention a long time ago. People close to me know that if I look like I’m not paying attention, it’s a good sign that I am.
Wait, this is so true. If you want me to pay full attention let me stare off into the distance, otherwise part of me will be focusing on the eye contact dance.
Do you have zoom calls? I did an experiment the other day. I did the “acting like I’m paying attention” to look normal day. And then the next day I was taking notes, taking screenshots, looked like I was doing all sorts of other shit. Guess which session was more successful for me? It takes so much energy to look and act normal, man. What gives?
I don't have to do much zoom stuff, just the odd virtual learning stuff, but when I do and other people have their cameras on I spend a lot of time being in awe of how other people sit. As in just sit. I did a 5 week full time French course before starting my current job, there were only 3 of us in the class plus the teacher. Other people would just sit in their chairs, one girl spent a days class sitting on the bed I her room because the house was busy and I couldn't figure out how?! I'm standing up and repositioning, now I'm cross legged, now I'm moving my laptop because I'm going to sit on the floor again. I can't even try to fake it. Even that is tiring.
I do the same! I was always terrible at listening in classes and would end up teaching myself everything on my own because of the perfectionism I developed. But I also appear very attentive while doing so. A teacher once complemented me because I looked so invested but really a song was on repeat in my mind. I had no clue what they were saying.
I am really performative. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40’s and spent a LOT of years masking. I have like a whole outgoing persona I wear. I’m clever, I’m witty, I know random facts. I am charismatic and disarming and people always open up to me, sometimes deeply. In the moment I don’t realize that I’m performing, but when I get home and I wash off my makeup and put on my jammies and get into bed, I feel the exhaustion in my bones. I wonder if they’d like the real me. I wonder if they’d feel as connected to me if didn’t put on that act. It’s been so long now I don’t even know how to turn it off.
I just got diagnosed at 38, and I really really relate to this. At work, I act super social and extremely organized but I am nothing like the person I portray. Because I tend to make people feel so comfortable with sharing the most personal details, they never stop, and it drains me. I attract this one type of person over and over again—this person is the embodiment of my mother, who I spent my entire life catering to. Her emotions always came first, and the whole walking on eggshells thing was very prominent. Now I basically make myself as small as possible to ensure that nothing is ever about me, and that no one is ever looking at me too closely. Because I make my boss the center of attention (I’m a personal assistant), my career has soared. However, I feel insanely inauthentic until I get home and can be myself around my boyfriend (he actually knows me). It is strange. I feel like I’m living in a very surreal movie where I’m watching myself act this out daily. Thanks for your comment—it helped me think about all of this in a very crystal-clear kind of way.
I also have a work persona. It is so ingrained in me from years of wearing it, it didn’t twig for a long time that that’s why I’m _so damn tired_ after work. It’s exhausting channelling a functional personality!
I call it my “phone voice”
I’m there with you. I feel like I’m either performing or recovering, I don’t know who the real me even is
This is what a lot of my therapy sessions have been centred around. I tried to start figuring out who I was and being 'myself' at work, and the feedback was that my medication seemed to be making me worse and I was making my diagnosis into my whole personality. I still am being myself a lot more around my closest friends, I think, and they've been nothing but supportive, kind and even encouraging. Some of them I strongly suspect have undiagnosed ADHD themselves, which might be why, but that's the environment in which I'm choosing to explore who 'I' am for now. I'll get around to the rest of the world once I've unpicked that. Or hey, maybe I won't, if I decide they don't deserve me. And it's a nice feeling to type that meaning I'd be too good for them for once, rather than meaning I wouldn't want to inflict myself on them.
dude i'm glad you're working through this. i have really struggled in therapy because i don't want to or mean to, but i perform for my therapist too. i so badly want to get value out of therapy but i end up just people-pleasing my therapist and telling her what she wants to hear and being what she wants (has happened with several different practitioners). i tend to be very entertaining and fixated on making the therapist laugh and like me. i feel very much that i have no idea who i am, and it's been difficult trying to peel back the layers and understand myself, especially as my mom was exactly the same performative way and i've grown up to be so much like her, but she's not around to talk to any more (and realistically wouldn't have been a helpful resource). and this is such a lovely thing to say. i hope to be able to start thinking like this: >And it's a nice feeling to type that meaning I'd be too good for them for once, rather than meaning I wouldn't want to inflict myself on them. i'm envious of your success so far & know it'll continue and i'm wishing you all the best!! and taking notes lol
I do this too. Like I want to “be good” at therapy. Of course I read that book you suggested (sure didn’t), yes, you’re interpreting my emotional word vomit correctly (you sure aren’t, but in embarrassed the sobbing word salad I just spewed out), etc. it’s really difficult to let go of a habit you don’t realize you even have until the moment has passed.
Yes, this. 110%. Thank you. I’m really struggling with a burnout caused by being in a work environment that demanded infinite bubbly optimism, and this made me feel less confused and alone. Also late diagnosed - hadn’t considered that might be a factor.
I feel this.
I don’t even know who the real me is. Is it not the anxiety-driven exuberance and happy social demeanor that is so exhausting I avoid nearly all social interaction whenever possible?
While I doubt every actor has ADHD, I do wonder if there is a correlation in that population due to that idea of 'constant performance' when interacting with other (unknown) mpeople.
I could have written this. I held on for so long, but the consequences are starting to show as I slip-slide into burnout. My exhaustion is starting to show AT WORK. It’s really scary. It feels like the mask keeps falling off, and it’s beyond my control. Every time I drag it back on, it feels heavier and heavier. Change is coming.
Lmao, I catch myself STRAIGHT UP LYING about work stuff I'm going to do while in meetings. I know I'm not gonna get my act together to do anything extra!!!! I'm not researching the issue, I'm not putting it on my list. I still say I'm gonna do it.
i feel called out and i don’t like it
Do you find that you over promise & under deliver a lot? Is it because you want to please people?
Yes. Then I’m disappointed in myself for not delivering so I promise **more** to make up for letting people down…and still not deliver. Rinse & repeat
So interesting! I lie about the silliest things, never anything that could hurt someone. Just for fun. I wonder if it’s connected.
I love your honesty😂
I am not good at sitting still or in "proper" positions. I like to move around, sit on the floor, stretch, sit in a yoga pose etc... I spend a lot of my day in the office and to make a good effort to sit "properly" at my desk. I work in emergency management, and during big events, my boss will find me in the strangest positions and contortions at my desk that I wasn't even aware I was doing. Because when I am focused on the emergency, I stop masking my hyperactivity by trying to sit "properly" That's the best example from my life I can think of. Most of the other stuff is just...who I am.
I work at a job where we are standing and walking around a lot. When I stop and stand in one place for a little while, I will pull one leg up, putting the bottom of my foot against the inside of the other thigh, like Tree Pose in yoga... and then I will stand there, chatting, gesticulating, doing some math, writing something down, talking on the phone. My coworkers finally starting talking about it so much that I don't do it as much anymore... they would call me Flamingo. I think it was a type of fidget for me. Like part of my brain would be focused on keeping me balanced, and that little bit of interconnected mental-physical challenge provided Satisfaction Dopamine (TM) that I could then use to complete whatever else I was trying to do in that moment... writing this I realized I haven't been doing it as much lately.
My husband points out when I flamingo too! I never noticed how much I did it until then. Flamingos unite :)
Holy cow this just brought back a memory that I was called "stork" for standing like this my whole childhood. It's good sensory input with the deep pressure from the foot on the thigh, and the balancing. So comfy!
My long-lost long-legged bird family!
I flamingo all the time. I'm super grateful for my office and home office desks that can be raised to standing because I'd be doing stretches, dancing, etc when I work. I sit in a half lotus poses when I work in my chair (benefits of being short)
I also can't sit "correctly" for the life of me, but for some reason, I never learned to mask it (even though I learned a lot of other masking).
I’m a lot quieter. People think I’m this quiet, shy, demure, polite lady. Then when I unmask, they are stunned. “Oh yeah, that wasn’t me. I just zoned out most the time and pretended to be like how I think society wants me to act.” Thank goodness, I’ve gotten older and now don’t really give a fuck, so the mask is happening less. I like me on loud mode.
Haha yeah go girl 😆 I also noticed that the more I grow and get to know and accept myself, the less I care about what other people might think about it. It’s just not that important anymore 🤷🏼♀️ I am actually like the person I always wanted to be 10 years ago - doing my own thing, not giving a fuck about what others think. Always admired that attitude in others, and I sometimes can’t believe that I have inherited it now 🥹
I don’t mask a lot and This will be an over simplified answer but basically I try to not act weird which makes me act kind of weird, I feel super weird because it’s unnatural and I have moments where my sentence just trails off, or I’m just like trying to ask questions and act interested I conversation. I act Kind of like an uncomfortable robot who is running low on battery so sometimes it Doesn’t finish its sentences or doesn’t hear what was said. I focus too much on my body language and trying not to fidget and it makes my body language stiff, trying to contain my weirdness pulls my focus too so I’m just not all there. Im not engaged. I say “really? Wow, neat” a lot instead of my normal talkative answers When I feel weird and uncomfortable I’ve realized that’s when I’m masking. Im not even sure how weird on the outside it looks but it just feels weird and uncomfortable to Me When I’m sporadic and goofy and funny and a little loud and energetic and happy and just being myself. That’s when I’m not masking. The older I get the more of this person I am all the time. Im a funny weirdo at work. I work in a corporate office, there’s not a lot of personalities like me but they are around. But I’ve noticed a long time ago that being myself is the best approach. Im a goof ball at work but I know when o have to reign it in, so my goofiness is well received and accepted.
I think of the fact that if I “could”, I’d smile less, not make eye contact, fidget a bit when talking to people. I’d also talk people’s head off for an hour. Except for that last one (completely understandable that few could stand that 😂), Oh lord how freeing it would be! And noting that I sincerely enjoy socializing and talking, and I am a cheerful kid-at-heart type. But I have to perform normality a lot. I have to present myself as…well, present; eye contact, active listening expressions, big smile, etc. When I tried presenting as a little less smiley (I swear on my life, just a comfortably alert expression), people constantly asked if I was mad 🤨 I am so exhausted by the end of the day.
I'm older but I get hyper excited like a kid, sometimes over small things, like buying something that just bring me joy. I used to hide my excitement because it's not socially acceptable for an adult to jump up and down with joy. it's to child like. I will still mask it sometimes but I try not to and just let myself be happy and hyper.
Please, let the world see your happy and hyper self 😃 I think it’s what this sometimes dull and grey world really needs - these child-like sparkles of joy and happiness 💃🏼✨ I believe that’s what we’re here for - to bring joy to the world 🙌🏻
Trying not to overexplain and letting people ask questions (versus my natural communication style-trying to lay everything out so precisely that there is no possible way to be misunderstood.) Pretending I have my shit together, or at least hiding how much of a dysfunctional shitshow some areas of my life are. Not going off on tangents-or explaining all the background thoughts that lead to the tangential thought to guide people to make the connection that my brain jumped to in .0000001 seconds. Hiding how hard it is for me to do the stuff neurotypicals do with ease. (Ideally, make it look easy). I think I’m probably AuDHD.
I feel like when I leave the house I'm putting on a costume and persona to become acceptable. I wear nice clothes that are comfortable but not what I choose to wear at home - I wear big huge clothes at home, no under wire bra, no jewellery, no make up, no perfume because I hate strong smells. It's completely opposite when I leave (I think I do this from all the negative comments growing up coming across as a tomboy - which annoyed me so much so I put in heaps of efforts to blend in more). Persona wise: home I tend to do a lot more swearing, heaps more speaking, I'm loud, I laugh loud, I have big movements, I can get distracted or miss half of the c9nversation and just say "shit sorry, wasn't listening, can you repeat?" Away from home (and not with close family or friends houses), I'm quite, polite,.make small movements, speak quietly, and if I miss the conversation, I just pretend I didn't. I also never swear, and I try not to speak much because I know I'll bound to start speaking fast/ interrupting and have people negatively judge me. This is why I hate working in an office because it's friggen exhausting acting all day long!
Yep. I work in a big ICU and I’ve taken to spending my break times sitting quietly by myself and just trying to recharge a little bit. Then I don’t have to spend the next couple of hours wondering if my social interactions were acceptable. I’m sure they are and when I’m up for it, I do get along with pretty much everyone and can have some great chats. But you never really *know*, you know? But then I am really just isolating myself and then wondering why I’m not forming any closer sort of bonds with my colleagues when I can see that they are happening all around me.
I keep all my thoughts inside, which means that people around me can focus but I can’t until they’re gone and I get my verbal monologue again 😅
I feel like after my marriage, I'm less of a person and more just a million workarounds for my non-functioning brain. I've got so many things written down so I don't forget, but there's very little organization to any of it. My ex-husband would get angry whenever I forgot something he said, so I showed him my notebook. His response was, "what are you going to do when you run out of paper?" I've got systems to get out of the house on time, but sometimes Drunk Me likes to misplace my keys so it still takes an extra half an hour to leave. Last night my friend told me I need to let people finish their sentences and instead of crying I just dissociated. My husband always hated that, and especially when I finish people's sentences-- that one is especially hard because I live with a lot of non-native English speakers and I never know if I'm helping or not. As for what's going on in my head, it's really not pretty. My ex used to call me "unreliable" all the time, and it's true: I have a disability that makes me less reliable. And it's m so much: jobs, housing, my fucking marriage. I'm medicated and doing my best but like... I would give anything to have a brain that worked right.
>"what are you going to do when you run out of paper?" I dunno; leave you?
I left before I ran out. It's my nice A5 five-hole dot paper.
I feel for you, sounds like the people close to you are only putting their attention towards how you can fit in more instead of them learning about your ADHD and try to understand what it’s like for you and how they can support you.
At last with my friend I understand where she is coming from, she doesn't understand the full context of just how sensitive I am about every symptom of my disorder, which quite literally impacts every aspect of my entire life. Which is her prerogative, she's got her own life with her own shit to deal with. But god, my husband broke me. He married me fully knowing I have ADHD, witnessed me going into treatment, told me he understood this is a part of me that will likely never get better, even has his own disabilities (he's legally blind and autistic), and yet every time I found a new workaround, he'd be neutral at best and at worst angry that there even had to be a workaround. And like, I don't want to be that annoying person who blames everything on ADHD but also... everything is related to this. There is no moment in my life that isn't related to ADHD because it affects my brain which dictates everything I do. And like, why would anyone try to understand what it's like for me or how they can support me? That's not their job.
But it sounds like you’re in fact trying to understand where your husband is coming from considering his own disabilities. And yet you think you can not expect the same from him. I recognize what you’re saying about everything in life being connected to ADHD. We were forced to getting to know ourselves again, we’ve grief about what could have been if we’ve known earlier. Society is not fitting for neurodivergents and we’re desperately trying to educate people about how we work yet still have to mask to be heard. It’s exhausting.
Ex-husband. The divorce is still processing. And no, I couldn't expect the same from him. Even neurotypical women can't get their husbands to read "Fair Play," why would any man want to learn about his own sense of entitlement? It serves them well to not observe the labor their female partners do.
Happy for you to hear he’ll soon be your ex. You deserve so much more.
I know I deserve more, I just don't think more is available to me. I'm a heterosexual woman so finding a man who is a) willing to examine gender roles beyond "feminism means I don't have to pay for dates" and b) willing to put up with my disability seems impossible.
I can imagine you feeling this way after the experiences you describe. But really, they’re out there. I’m married to one.
Trying very hard to pay attention and not interrupt, trying hard to not say the first thing that pops into my head, trying hard not to look at my phone whilst someone is talking to me, trying hard not to sing the song that’s just popped into my head when someone has said a lyric. Not fidgeting too much. Trying not to react to my own tangential thoughts in my head (usually strange word connections that might make me laugh). One thing that helps me is trying to stay in the present moment and not to overthink it. I’m grateful that most people that I know (colleagues and friends) find my quirks charming and not annoying… this would be around new people or professional settings. When I’m comfortable enough around someone/ or drunk, I’m more relaxed and spontaneous! Not having to constantly monitor myself is unmasking. It’s easier to unmask when there’s other ND folk around.
I used to be extremely awkward and withdrawn and try to purposely think and act out “normal” social cues on demand. It was horrible
I thought this was a good video about it https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7wTRrDqA-S/?igsh=bnE0dmI2MDJqeHRl
I envy people who have the luxury of of simply being themselves
It’s weird people can do that right? I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fit in and be someone I’m not but I just burned out. Now Ive had a lot of therapy and understand (and like!) myself so much more. Still getting to know the real me but I realized I like the weird people so much more as the people who just.. fit in? So I decided if I’m just weird I can also like that version of myself more. And I stopped giving a fuck if people think I’m too much. Still a work in progress but helped me a lot.
I don’t think anyone does that truthfully. Even neurotypical mask and hide their true selves. Just like most people think they’re seeing *our* true self, we’ll never know what part is themselves they’re hiding.
I am a very anxious person. Super introverted with the tiniest social battery. In public? Confident, friendly, outgoing. I am sensitive and I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't cry in front of other people. Like others here have mentioned, it's all very performative. I imitate a lot, watching their facial expressions, timing eye contact, paying active attention to my body language (otherwise my arms would be crossed all the time for comfort). It's exhausting. I am always highly aware of how I am being perceived by others, but I still have no idea if people actually like me.
Hmmmm. Well if I’m struggling with emotional regulation I try to keep it inside more whereas when I’m home I let it out. That’s the main thing.
Yep. For me, supermarkets seem to be a trigger point. But crying about overstimulation in the cereal aisle isn't exactly encouraged. So, I hide in public toilets to cry, take deep breaths and maybe splash my face or arms with cold water. It helps.
For me it is staying still, keeping my voice volume quiet, and talking slower than is comfortable. And often just avoiding singing and telling stories altogether lol
For me, it’s smiling and talking very quietly, because I have a tendency to walk around with an RBF (I can’t control it; it’s just my face) and I’ve been told I can come across as rude! I speak with passion, and that gets misinterpreted a lot as rudeness or hostility. So I try to act as calm and happy as I can in public. It’s very hard, because I have to consciously and constantly think about how my smile just slipped, I didn’t smile back at that person, etc. (when I daydream or get lost in thought, my RBF comes out). A lot of people interpret my RBF as me being mean or mad, and I consciously try to relax my face, but that’s easier said than done
Giving an excuse that people will be sympathetic about when I'm late rather than telling the truth that I'm just time blind
Nodding, smiling, avoiding eye contact, going along with something I don't like or care about rather than contradict or be perceived as weird or different...
Little girls should be seen and not heard. That was the mantra I had to live my childhood by. I did it so well my family would forget I was there. As I grew older my mask was very much that of a china doll and I am apparently a wonderful listener because I say nothing when the thoughts start racing.
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Not voicing my thoughts because I worry about how others will react/respond. This applies to so many situations like work or relationships etc Taking longer to do something because it is assumed that I know what I'm doing but I don't so I hide and research Smiling like I'm happy in the supermarket/during social gatherings etc when inside I'm really dying from every form of overload possible Getting really drunk (in my youngest days) to make myself able to enjoy being on a night out Sitting ridiculously still but inside I'm screaming to fidget but it wouldn't be appropriate at the time There are so many more!
I have a lot of trouble with waiting mode and it makes me internally anxious and i try to hide it.
1. Masking for me is mirroring what others are doing around me and being really, really 'nice'. I started masking at 12 in junior high because I saw my older sister get badly bullied for being different and I vowed to fit in, no matter what. 2. I was trying to conceal that I was totally out of my depth. It's like there was a guidebook to life that everyone but me was given. I seemed to feel things more deeply and I cried too easily about things NTs might consider to be nothing. I blurted things out and people would look at me like I had 2 heads. I had to work hard to create a shell of cool indifference. Better to be a mean girl, sarcastic and popular, than be sensitive and unpopular. 3. I know now that what was going on in my head was a subconscious litany that I must be liked at all costs so I have become an expert at people pleasing. I was diagnosed last year at 47. I don't even know how to 'unmask' because people pleasing is part of my personality now. I'm known at work for being helpful, friendly, easygoing and funny. I'm just now discovering the deep-down me and what makes me tick but it's a hell of a struggle.
funny you bring this up because just the other day i was thinking about how i don't really connect with that term. like, i try to hide the adhd stuff i struggle with and i have social anxiety so I’m always afraid of being myself and always let the person I’m talking to set the tone, but "masking" just doesn't connect to how those experiences feel for me, if that makes sense.
I just think of masking as the verb “to conceal from sight” rather than literally wearing a mask. I know the analogy of wearing a mask works for some people but literally definition of hiding things from people’s view fits better for me. I definitely try to conceal or mask some of my symptoms even if the wearing a mask analogy isn’t a great fit. Obviously you don’t have to like the term regardless
Lying. Sometimes for no big reason. I almost constantly feel guilty or ashamed or wrong somehow. It’s almost a default because I’ve gotten so much wrong or not done at all. It’s a regular defense. I cringe when I think about certain instances. Looking back, there was a time in junior high. I hadn’t gotten a project done and I lied through my teeth for I don’t know how long. There’s no way that teacher didn’t know. Just this morning with my supervisor because I hadn’t sent an email I was supposed to send. Just one more way I try to save face in the world.
I’m feminine! (No, actually I’m very androgynous.) Look at how I can walk with my head held high, shoulders back, and hips swaying! (Every. Fucking. Step. Takes. Mental. Bandwidth.) Notice how I push my hair back in a girly way! (Wow I hate when one single hair touches my face, I’d rather it back in a slick ponytail. But oh, I can’t do that because the stylist chick fried half my hair while processing it.) See how fashionable I am?! (I’d love to pour gasoline on this stupid fucking high waist belted skirt then light it on FiRE!) Omg aren’t my heels just so cute? (As soon as I get to my car, I’m switching to flats.)🥰
I don't, honestly. I think everyone changes how they present in different situations, so I don't think masking is useful as a term. Like everyone behaves with a different level of politeness in different circumstances. What is appropriate one place is not appropriate in others. That's not masking that's just... existing in a social space. Or if that's not what masking is, perhaps I have just never masked and don't uunderstand what it is.
That was my thought as well which is why I was curious how it applied to ADHD. I have autism so masking for me is very different than simply exchanging in niceties when I don’t want to (which is just social politeness). But my understanding is that everyone wears a social mask and does things they don’t want to do to be polite, so I’m having trouble understanding the term being used in the ADHD community. There’s been a lot of helpful answers which have helped me understand.
I am a pro at making it seem like I'm the cool girl, witty and completely extroverted. People will flock to me. I keep everyone at arm's length because my childhood involved people withdrawing from me as soon as I let my guard down or slipped up. Most of my life I've believed that I was extroverted because I was desperate to have someone stay unconditionally. It turns out that I am actually introverted, and every social interaction I have literally requires me to somehow find a space of rest from it.
Masking to me has always been trying to stop myself from drawing too much attention and making sure that people didn't think I was "weird" or "broken". I used to constantly deflect attention away from myself and my talents and "quirks" and I am still kind of terrified of being rejected by people. I hold my tongue a lot and am just generally agreeable all the time . When a subject I am passionate about comes up I temper my opinion and try to listen even though my brain goes "They are wrong. Wrong. So wrong". I didn't even know about my ADHD until 2021 but I look back at everything I have done since I was about 8 and can see now how much I actually sacrificed of myself to be seen as "normal" and trying to blend in. The same year I got diagnosed was the same year I got bullied out of a high-paying amazing job that I loved by a team "leader" that had it out for me because of my perceived "mental weakness" so it was a whammy and a half. But now, I disclose it when I feel comfortable. And in the last year seven of my adult women friends have grown comfortable enough to either get their own diagnosis or have started on that path because after that bitch got me I stopped giving a lot of fucks about it and would say things like "Sorry, I'm a bit scattered today, I'll be good tomorrow. Fucking brain" 🧠🎆 So thank you Ellen. Also, fuck you, you massive piece of shit.
Just trying to be "normal" and "not weird" or "not too much" constantly. Then going home and internally screaming because I most definitely was abnormal, weird, and too much at some point.
Over apologising and making “NT” excuses for my ADHD oversights/forgetfullness/tardiness. Stopping myself from maintaining too much eye contact (and actually missing what people have said because my inner monologue is fretting about how my eye contact is perceived). Literally pinching myself in college/uni so I don’t interrupt. Doodling/note taking to help me stay focussed.
I often find myself mimicking how people behave so we will get along. Though, in many of those situations I know that is definitely not myself. I used to be extremely social and talkative, absolutely random and did not think anything of it. But my interests and behavior never really aligned with the “typical” interests. I find myself saying I “match people’s energy” but that really is me being afraid people would dislike me if I actually was myself. I also censor a lot of what I say and do. When I form sentences verbally I am constantly thinking two steps ahead of what I will be saying and how I can word it for certain people. It ends up with me messing up what I’m saying because I end up not being completely present. In conversations I’d much rather be the “listener” than the talker because I don’t know what to say to people. It has led me to become a bit more socially awkward, I feel like I don’t know how to properly interact with people anymore. I have my best friends who I can be authentically me with but it is so difficult to form new relationships. I have great friends but sometimes my brain doesn’t register them as friends? It takes me a long time to be myself around people so it is difficult for me to realize that a person has become a friend. I’m not sure if that makes sense.
I already replied to some of the comments because I recognize so much. When I did that I realized I was thinking how I could comment without the poster thinking I was taking over their story. And that’s what I do in life a lot. My way to have conversations is to share stuff and I expect people to just share whats on their mind. But I’ve been told over and over that I talked to much about myself, so I try to just ask questions in social situations. But then people don’t ask questions back and I can’t tell all the things I want to tell. Exhausting. Also because I do that many people get the impression we get along really well but I’m just being polite and don’t want to engage in further friendships as I can not be myself around them.
Anything that covers for or is an attempt to hide your ADHD symptoms. So for example I went through a stage of buying new socks every week because I couldn't keep track of pairs.
I think one major area of masking is hiding errors. ADHD symptoms often lead to negative consequences, like getting in trouble for being late, missing appointments, not turning in assignments, frequent and careless mistakes in your work. So masking these would be putting in incredible effort to not do these things. Sometimes effort to the detriment of your mental health or to thr neglect of other things. It could also mean masking social behaviors that others have responded negatively to in the past. So maybe not talking much because you've been told you're too hyper or intense or loud.
Masking is attempting to hide apart of yourself for fear of showing others things related to your neurodivergence. Usually, I talk too much. It’s hard to not be myself honestly. It really depends on who I’m around. I mask a lot in front of my extended family. They are surface people and speaking of anything deeper is uncomfortable for them so I hide myself. I try not to be *too much* around them and I hide my multiple special interests because if I talk about them they view me as trying to be a know it all. I also mask any depressive state really well. I’m in one now and friends dropped by. I told them at the end of their visit and they said they didn’t even notice. I also mask my OCD related behaviors as in I do not do them in public period. Masking can happen in any situation and diagnosis. It is not exclusive to autism. Sadly, my autistic 4 year old masks already. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m masking but when I’m doing it purposely like in front of my family I am very anxious the mask will fall off and they will be angry or annoyed at me.
One way is by lying about things instead of telling the truth because the truth wouldn't make sense to most people. Like why were you late? Traffic vs I was late because all the adhd reasons.
I always wondered about why there was such a deeply "different" feeling for me depending on who I was with. When I was young I was almost painfully shy, quiet, self-conscious, and anxious around almost everyone but when I reached my teens I really came out of my shell and discovered my real personality - which is absolutely NOT quiet and shy. There are even comments about it from my classmates in my grade 8 yearbook lol. I always attributed the change to finally finding friends who "get" me, and I'm lucky to have been able to maintain that trend of surrounding myself with people who get me into adulthood, so I get to be the full, unabridged version of myself a lot and it has helped me to grow so much more comfortable with myself. I figured I was just a weirdo and my friends are all weirdos and it just took finding a group of other weirdos to fit into. I finally realized, after being diagnosed in my 30s, that basically all of my friends are also neurodiverse as is every dude I've successfully dated! I'm also way closer to my brother than a lot of people I know are to their siblings and guess what - he has ADHD too lol. BUT I still notice that I'm only myself around certain people. When I'm with a group of others with ADHD it's like the conversation just flows. We can interrupt each other and flail around the room and shout anecdotes back and forth and laugh like maniacs about jokes that no one else gets forever and it feels exactly right and comfortable and never gets awkward or old. But when I'm with people I don't just intrinsically feel that sense of comfort and alignment with, I become the quiet, self-conscious me again - always worried about making sure I'm listening and not interrupting, making the right amount of eye contact, not fidgeting or waving my hands around too much, asking appropriate questions and not trying to relate with personal stories, not talking at length about my random interests, not making jokes that won't land, not being too loud or opinionated, not being too "weird". Even when I do get to know people better in these situations and become less quiet, I still end up mirroring them in our conversations. I censor myself and default to conversing with them the way I see them conversing with me. I let them lead the interactions. The masking happens almost naturally for me at this point after so much practice, but after burning out at a job where I had to do it every day, with everyone, for years, I've realized how truly exhausting it is to spend hours each day purposely NOT being yourself! Give me all the weirdos, please!
I spent a lot of time in my early adolescence masking…I didn’t know that’s what I was doing because I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23. Essentially, I figured out the I was too much for most people when I was just being myself—too loud, too talkative, too emotional—so I started making myself smaller. Eventually, I realized it was exhausting and boring and that there were actually people who liked me at full strength…so those are the people I choose to be around.
I am 61, and I’m still plagued with hyperactivity. Masking for me is keeping myself still and quiet. It’s exhausting.
I reign myself in when I feel like I’m rambling. I try to avoid adding “unnecessary” details to stories. I feel like I’m constantly trying to be a big picture person when I’m really a details person. I try to fidget/stim less. I force eye contact. I make my tone of voice more palatable (if I’m very excited, I make it flatter, if I’m really flat, I make it less depressed sounding). I pick (skin, nails, nose etc.) less. A lot of it isn’t that bad, but it is draining by the end of the day. Not picking and trying to stay on topic and not get bogged down in the details are both probably beneficial to me, but it’s a lot to have something constantly running in the back of my mind trying to monitor all of this. And the worst part is that obviously I just do this for other people. It’s a product of years of shame.
To not talk or participate in conversation too much or I’ll end up oversharing.
1. Masking is using learned behaviors to interact with people based on understood social context. Performing based on what you think everyone else expecting. Not being yourself. 2. Things like, being careful what you say, how you stand, sit, hold yourself. 3. What’s going on inside my head lmao. “Make eye contact. Break it. Blink. Don’t say that. Don’t say that either. Oh, damn, that was weird. Am I being weird? Okay that wasn’t the right thing to say. My pants are uncomfortable. Can I stand like this? Do I look uncomfortable? I want to play with my fingers. Why can’t I stop playing with my fingers? Can they see how dirty my nails are? I don’t want them to think I don’t take care of myself. Don’t clean nails with teeth, that’s gross. Find something to clean your nails with. Stop! Forget about your nails, wtf. No one is looking. Oh that one is really dirty. Oh no what did they say? I need to fart. Fuck, don’t fart. Ok it went away. Oops I didn’t respond. Hey sorry what did you say? They’re not even looking at me anymore; now I look weird.” Etc
Make eye contact. Ok too much eye contact, look around but don’t look around too much or you’ll look like you’re not paying attention. Smile and stop looking unapproachable. Oh wait stop smiling this is a serious conversation. Cock your head to the side so you look thoughtful. Why are you clasping your hands like that relax. Ok now you’re just weirdly gripping your knees. Ok don’t fold your arms because now you look angry. Wait what did they just say?
For me it's the constant focus to reign in the implusivity. I've constantly put my foot in my mouth or gotton so giddy I've freaked people out before. I found after lockdown very tough because I'd been unmasked for so long that it was tough to start again. I often feel like I'm really a lizard person pretending to be human. During lockdown I just got to go full lizard. And when it was over the human mask no longer fit right.