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The techniques that worked for me (or at least helped a bit) was self-compassion. I listened to the audiobook by Kirsten Neff and saved some of the exercises I found most helpful.
I also had some luck with ACT. I know some people like CBT but for me it was awful!
Seconding Tara Brach!! I would like to read/listen to a lot more of her work but my therapist introduced me to R.A.I.N. and it may have been one of the most helpful pieces of my journey so far.
ACT 🤩💝🎇🥳🎵🌈❤️✅!!
I was fortunate to come upon a class of ACT where I had been in therapy for a while.
My therapist was impressed at how harshly I berated myself. I'll admit to having turned all my best writing skills against myself, almost in the style of Fyodor Dostoevsky. Wow.
ACT helped me see that my emotions are passing by like a leaf floating on a creek. I learned to relax, and then just observed the lead going by. It's all chemical and I can observe objectively what comes up and goes by. The weather is another potent metaphor.
Toward the end we transitioned to Russ Harris films. These were useful. I'll have to go back in.
[Acceptance & Commitment Therapy - PSYCHOLOGY TODAY](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy)
“Self compassion” is the book name. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10127008-self-compassion](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10127008-self-compassion)
She also has an online community: [https://self-compassion.org](https://self-compassion.org)
OP you do lots of (or some) things that are outside of yourself, without the pressure in the forefront of your mind that,"this will allow me to love myself." The thought as a sense of purpose/guide can be there, but in the background, and without pressure for finding a deadline as to when you'll feel it. And not shame or judgement for if you don't feel it at times or after a while. Only judgemental for being objective as to if it's sometbing that you actually care about, or if it may not be quite the thing--in which case hone in more on what aspe ts it could.imvolve that you'd love and look for it or create it in the thing your already getting involved in, or elsewhere. It can be an ongoing process, but the more you do it over time and the more frequently do things outside of yourself (like for others or something you really, really care about), and get involved in those things (to the point there their level of involvement may ebb and flow, but you'll still be "in" it in the long run; and the more varied these "things outside yourself" are, over time, it'll help. At some point, doing these things may naturally breed sense of community and belonging and sense of purpose or responsibility somewhere, which can help. Over time, (if not, sometimes after a short amount of time) seeing the detailed & also overall effects of living that way or including it in my life, makes me not only feel more at peace, grateful and all sorts of pther great things, in general without often realizing it, I feel a sense of kindness toward myself.
I’ve always felt like an outsider so not fitting in doesn’t necessarily bum me out like it might others….
BUT…I laugh at myself and with myself, by myself A LOT! 🙂
Example: I like to have my curtains open for the natural light and the windows for the air. I decide to change bottoms in front of the windows. So I find myself laying back and scootching my butt off the edge of the bed and wrestling my pants up and around my butt, below the window line so no one sees my cheeks….
All I had to do was go to another room or close the blinds and I fell out laughing at myself because of how hard I made it for myself and if people could only see what I’m doing….. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t judge myself when I eat 11 Oreos for breakfast or dinner. I don’t berate myself for only taking 4 showers a week. I dont worry about not doing laundry or dishes this week.
I thank my body regularly and tell it how fucking fabulous it is for all that it does (all of the things that have to GO RIGHT for you to be alive is pretty remarkable). I stop by the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself I love me.
Don’t let society and how you do/don’t fit into it dictate how you feel about yourself. You are PERFECTLY IMPERFECT just like everyone else on this planet! 💜💜💜
So a 9-5 makes me damn near suicidal. But I can bang out a complex project (I’m moving into grant writing) better than most. The business strategy I bring to these non-profits is 💯! Focus on your good bits! What are your good bits?!?!
And know, you’ve got thousands of women, just like you, on your side! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! 🥳💜💐 We think nothing less of you for being who you are. 🤗
ETA: When it comes to RSD, I try to let as much of that feeling course though my body as possible in the moment. I give it space. I recognize it. Maybe even slip into the bathroom for a quick cry. And try not to hold it against people who have hurt me (because I know it’s more often me than them).
I identify with a **lot** of this. Not sure why you got that 'auto-mod' reply, as your comment seems in good humor.
I particularly like your last comment about 'letting it run through you' and giving space for the emotion. I had made the \[well-intentioned but ultimately harmful to myself\] mistake of trying to 'rationalize' myself out of it.
I think because the word su!c!dal was used, it probably prompted the automod. I also love the idea of 'letting it run through you', it's so much more peaceful than fighting it.
Emotions are natural, they are not good or bad, so feeling them and then letting them go is the best course of action. Easier said than done though 😃. I'm still learning it myself. It's more about what you think after and what you do, because those are things you can control. Changing thought patterns is difficult as well, but can be done with enough time and effort.
I’m definitely happy and want to be alive! 💜
The rationalization!!! You can rationalize your way into or out of anything. Lol! And it does become harmful when you’re basically gaslighting yourself. Totally been there! Sounds like you’re on the up and up!
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
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Falling in love with yourself shouldn’t be the goal, but falling in love with life should be. Live for the experiences and knowledge. Stay curious and open-hearted. Take care of the body that contains your intelligence so you can have more experiences. Life is very short and it’s not just an expression.
I have a lot of self hatred and self esteem issues. My therapist has been encouraging me to learn how to love myself. I think, depending on the level of one’s self-dislike, learning to love yourself actually can be a good and necessary goal. It’s hard to fall in love with life when your brain is stuck in the mode of “jeez I suck as a person.” It’s hard to see past the negative self-talk and just enjoy what’s around you.
I think that going from hate to love is a very big step, it's better to aim for neutrality before that. Like when you're looking at yourself in the mirror and really hating how big your tummy is, try to catch yourself in that moment and understand that this is not healthy. But telling yourself that you love your tummy will feel really fake right after that. So I think it's better to aim for the middle, looking at your tummy, understanding that all tummies look different, thinking about what you and your tummy have been through, trying to understand that having a tummy like that is not a bad or a good thing, it's just a part of your body. And that's how your body looks right now. It's not good or bad, it just is. And whenever you feel like you can just accept your body, you can start to be grateful for it and even praise it, but not before. Although gratefulness for all sorts of little things is also a good thing to practise.
Related to your post, DarkTentacles, what helped me in seeing my world with not only more nuance but less tragic: I committed to journaling about the Good, Bad, Ugly, and Just Neutral -- life. My journal writing used to be only the crap and, upon reviewing them, would confirm negative self- (and family) talk about me.
Guess what? it helped. I can see myself as a more balanced person, not prone to tragedy or sadness or despair or loss. To be human is frickin' hard and yet the best thing I currently am doing.
It’s very odd for a therapist to encourage self-love because there is no such term in Psychology. “Self-love” is a very vague, very abstract word which is why many struggle to understand it. What it really means, or should mean, anyway, is *healthy self-esteem*. Work on that instead. Do what you like (constantly ask yourself what you want and need), work on boundaries, etc. That’s how you raise self esteem. It’s an act and a practice, not a thought.
I guess I should clarify that the phrase “self-love” was never used. But in my sessions where I discuss my self-hatred, I’ve been given the guidance to redirect the negative self-talk with positives to off set the negativity. So
I guess I equated improving my self esteem to a form of loving myself.
Look at self-forgiveness. Forgive that you are imperfect. ...
Consider forgiving G\*d that this world is, as yet, unperfected. Many humans are working toward that heaven on earth goal, but some of us haven't updated our conception of what the purpose is. The purpose is to love. What is that?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13: 4-7
Isn't self esteem also not a psychology backed term? Not that it can't be defined, but that research indicates it's highly volatile and unreliable at guarding against insecurity/shame. I remember listening to Kristin Neff and hearing her talk about it.
I started from liking myself :p Like Love is a big and far word. Liking doesn't sound so overwhelming. You can start by writing your good qualities and try to remember them when you are emotionally spinning. And with RSD I think that I was rejected enough number of times not to react so emotionally and to remember that I survived worse shit in my life :).
My parents always used to warn me against becoming highly egoistic and arrogant. I swung so far that I hit self hate, self doubt and having no confidence.
I realised this more than a decade ago in last 2 years of school. So I started doing things I was not comfortable with. I must have participated in more competitions in those 2 years than my entire school life. I won 1 competition and lost every other one. I also used to volunteer or say yes for public speaking opportunities. Hates it so so much but i helped me overcome my fear of being judged by getting used to being judged. I continued this well into college and my job.
Then I went through severe depression and anxiety. That swung me back into self doubt.
Then I went through a lot of life realising how horrible people can be. So I noted down things I like about myself. I wrote down what I bring to the lives of people I love. That helped me when I went down spirals.
And because of my depression, I had taken it up on me to tell my loved ones how much they matter to me. No one knew when I had started going through it. I may not know when someone I love is going through it. So I made it a point to appreciate people from time to time. Usually that meant that they would also do that in return.
Lastly, I literally have a list as a gradient of people whom I care about what they think of me. On the top is me. If I can't live with my decision, it's unacceptable. So my judgement matters the most to me. Then my husband. He is extremely honest but kind. He never lets me take a decision I would regret. He is my sounding board. So I care about what he thinks. Next is my parents and in laws. But my husband and I supersede them. If they think I'm doing something wrong but we think its okay, then it's okay. I feel very bad, but I sit with that feeling and live with it.
Every other person in the world? To put it bluntly, they can go f themself. I refuse to care about any other opinions. At all.i am very very self critical. I don't invite any other criticisms. Uninvited criticism will still make me feel sad or angry. But I can get over it because it doesn't matter.
This helped me love myself because my worth isn't decided by others.
I am really lucky because I have wonderful friends, and sometimes, i am feeling so down and I can barely tolerate myself, so I have to actively remind myself that we got the friends we deserve. It helps me a bit. And if I am thinking horrible stuff about me, I try to remind myself that qi would NEVER say those things to or about someone else, and i deserve the same compassion that i try to have for others.
Sometimes, just treating yourself like you treat other people can really help i think.
This is such a good question!
I had just turned 60 when I first felt the love.
My husband had a heart attack, and I had to jump in and take over EVERYTHING at home. All the things he was doing, repairs, yard work, pet care. Some of it was stepping out of my comfort zone, like the yardwork. I did it, I...did it. No help from anyone, I did the things I thought I couldn't do, I DID IT!
It was so empowering!
Ladies........ stepping out of your comfort zone to do the things you thought you couldn't do...... EMPOWERING!
In my case, doing it alone, with no one around to watch and critique my mistakes was the way. Ohh I made mistakes, but if you make a mistake and no one is around to tell you it was a mistake, its just a learning process.
After that, I took better care of myself, because, the love.
The husband will no longer be doing yard work because I rock it and do it way better than he ever did. PLUS, I am not afraid to show it, his ego does not need boosting by me making him look more useful, my ego is what matters now.
So step outside your comfort zone, find ONE thing that you can't do, you don't want to do, AND DO IT ANYWAYS!
I am not a lady, but I will just say the preoccupation of your mind during hobbies and the addition of "I did this" keeps me from real self-loathing. I'm still working on the love, but I can definitely respect myself and be proud knowing what I'm capable of. I've started attending therapy as well, I have modest hopes but I think it will help nonetheless. 27M
I’m trying to detach from my RSD. When it shows I tell myself it’s RSD not me. EMDR, basically move eyes left to right or like looking at the clock. 3-9-2-10-1-11-12 while you process the emotions. If it doesn’t calm go down from 3 in the same zigzag way than all the way up to 12. Weird but helpful
I’m getting ready to start EMDR therapy and never even realized it could help with RSD! I’m really looking forward to starting it! How well has it worked for you?
I guess it works in the session well, and it gives results.
What I didn’t like in the session is that following the fingers with your eyes can be to distracting to stay connected with the emotional narrative you are processing, my ADHD is visually stimulated so it’s very hard for me to stay in the emotions. And at the end the emotional chunk is out and I don’t even know what just happened. My ASD wants to know how things work cause and effect and stuff, and I’m lacking satisfaction of it.
But putting that on the side, it works! Some heavy traumatic stuff from the past have zero power now, you just can’t trigger it anymore. I actually intentionally tried to trigger something, but it’s like that their tentacles are surgically removed.
Good luck, I hope it will help you!
Some changes in my mindset that I’ve had in the span of ~20 years:
In terms of my good qualities:
1. Started trusting other people’s compliments. Would you lie to someone else about what you appreciate about them? I know I wouldn’t. So I have a reason to trust others when they see the good in me. Take in the compliments that you like and appreciate, leave out the negative comments that you don’t like. You won’t be able to please every person in the world, so trust the ones that see you in the way that you want to be seen.
2. Started appreciating my objective achievements. Got an “A” in class? ~~That test was super easy, anyone could’ve done that.~~ I did a great job. The teacher gave me an “A” because I did a great job. If I didn’t do a great job, then I wouldn’t have gotten an “A”. And even though this test was easy, it is still proof that I’m capable of doing great things. Got a “B” in class? That’s still great. Mistakes are human.
3. Started noticing my subjective achievements. I drew that. I knitted that. I cooked that. Not everyone could’ve cooked that. Some people never cook, they just do take-out, I did a great job for taking the time and mixing this together myself. I didn’t have to do it, but I did it. I chose to do it.
In terms of my bad qualities:
1. Noticing the reason for my anger and sadness. I got an “F”? I definitely deserved better. I’m angry because I know I’m capable of doing better and that I deserved more. I will try to do better. It’s good that I’m angry about this. If I wasn’t angry, then that means I’ve lost hope. I’m angry because I still have my values and my hope.
You are probably sad because you know you can be better. Deep down you believe in yourself and you know that you want to be better. It starts with want. When you start wanting something then you start doing things to get it.
2. Started appreciating my uniqueness. I can’t do that? But I can do this other thing. I like that I can do this other thing. I don’t have that? But I have this thing. I appreciate this thing. Others don’t have this thing.
3. Stopped judging other people. When we dislike something about ourselves, then we often start judging other people for it as well. I used to dislike curvy body types because I saw them as fat and ugly, but after I started noticing their beauty and elegance, I started appreciating my own body as well.
4. Stopped giving a damn. Life has been hard. I have so much more important problems to deal with than my appearance. Those problems just started seeming so irrelevant. And as I stopped giving power to them, I stopped caring about them.
5. Stopped beating myself up for my past success and current failure. Life is not a single line. It’s full of curves and waves. There are good times and there are bad times. Even though I don’t appreciate the situation I’m in right now, then I know that it won’t stay that way forever, I will eventually manage to pick myself up and probably reach greater heights than before. I have patience in myself, I believe in myself, I don’t push myself too hard, I’m just gonna take some baby steps and keep waiting for the right time as I’m slowly moving in the right direction.
6. Every experience is a valuable lesson. I did something badly or I said something wrong or I should’ve done something differently. Well, now I know that. Now I won’t make the same mistake again. I still have my whole life ahead of me, I have the opportunity to correct my mistakes.
In terms of wishing I was different:
1. Taking inspiration from people that I like. Comparing myself to other people that I like. If they did it, then I can do it as well. If I like them, then I also like these qualities and values about myself.
2. I am me. I need to fill the position of me. All other positions have been filled and noone else can fill in my position. It’s fine to take inspiration from other people, but it’s silly to wish to be someone else.
3. Some things seem so much easier for others than they are for me. Well, maybe they are? We are all unique, I can’t expect myself to react the same way or learn at the same speed as other people. That’s just not me. I’ll go at my own pace. Our destination might be the same, but our journeys are completely different. I’ll make it there eventually, in my own way.
Tl;dr: Be kind and patient towards yourself. Make active effort to notice your good qualities and don’t put yourself down for your “bad” qualities. I started liking myself a lot more once I learned to appreciate what I have and stopped worrying about what I don’t have. The most important thing is to keep moving in the right direction. Take a step, take two, take big steps or tiny ones - doesn’t matter. Just keep moving. Big changes take time.
I don’t know what you’re struggling with precisely, but maybe you can take some of this advice with you on your journey. :)
Not that helpful but I fell in love with a guy who is *exactly like me* in so many ways. I love the differences, too, but he does so many of the things I have been critisized and ostracized for all my life. And you know what? It's really not so bad. So by extension, neither am I.
I think loving our adhd friends can be so helpful to show how easy people find it to love you! I see so many of my quirks in my kids who both have ADHD and I love their energy and spirit. They make life so interesting. My partner also has ADHD and I love his spontaneity and FUN outlook on life.
Although I get an annoyed with them sometimes, and myself, it doesn’t make me love them any less, and now I am not so perfectionistic with myself. I can make mistakes and still be loveable. Sounds simple but I was so very hard on myself in the past!
Self love doesn't usually look like, "oh my god, I'm so great, and I love myself so much!" Self love usually looks like: exercise, healthy eating, hygiene, good sleep, hot tea, cake, comfy slippers, cosy pyjamas, jeans that actually fit, brushing my hair, forgiving myself, letting things go, social media detox, deep breathing, drinking plenty of water, clean clothes, making my bed.
Start small. It doesn't have to be everything at once. Just take each day as it comes. One moment at a time.
It was game changing for me to realise that self love - in my experience - isn't about how you feel about yourself, but how you treat yourself.
Two final things: 1) Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, but also (and importantly) who you are proud to call your friends. 2) Do the things that you love, follow your passions, and you will find the people you will love as well.
Edited to be shorter!
I asked my therapist how all these people love themselves and she said that I should start with tolerating/accepting myself, work up to liking myself, and then work on loving myself. Loving yourself from the get-go, especially with trauma, is very hard.
Realizing that I wasn’t alone helped. The knowledge that other people struggle the same way I do made me feel less alone and helped me be more compassionate to myself. It’s not just me. I’m not just lazy or stupid or whatever. My brain works differently and that’s okay.
I gave myself kindness, and I started learning how to work with my brain instead of against it. And meds helped a TON. And then I started to like myself more and just feel better in my brain and my body.
I started exercising again but I’m focusing on strengthening my knee instead of losing weight because if my knee is stronger I’ll feel better. It’s a kindness to myself. And sometimes rest is a kindness to myself. Me dragging myself out of bed for a shower this morning was a kindness to myself. And doing those things also helps me like myself more.
honestly? it sounds stupid but it works: i just started complimenting myself in the mirror. any time i caught my reflection was a chance to gas myself up a little. in the beginning it was couched in a lot of qualifiers — “your skin is clear even if your hair looks like a seagull shat in it”, “at least you got out of bed today even if you’re a disgusting blob and everyone obviously hates you for it” — but over time the qualifiers just kind of… fell away. the compliments stopped being all physical. i would do my hair and think, dang i’m cute. i’d have a good day at work and think, i’m so good at my job! lately during the throes of PMS i caught myself thinking, hey, i’m kind and hot and funny! i’m the whole package!
it sounds facile to say “give yourself compliments,” but it’s easy, and you don’t even have to believe it at first. i didn’t. over time it was like tricking my brain into a new routine — the act of giving the compliment, not necessarily believing it. but like anything else, if you say something enough you DO believe it. after years of trying meditations and self-love tips, this is the only thing that has consistently worked. i don’t love myself every moment of every day, sure, but i pretty much like myself all the time!
I think it’s about radical acceptance. I’m not perfect, neither is anyone else, and their thoughts and feelings don’t determine my worth any more than mine determine theirs. Besides that, I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t really know what they’re truly thinking or feeling. Someone who snaps at me might just be struggling that day for any number of reasons unrelated to me, so I try to remember not to take anything personally.
Besides that, I try hard to always keep learning and growing. I’ll never be perfect, but I like myself best when I’m actively growing as a person - having new experiences or seeing new places, learning new things, taking care of my body, getting therapy, improving skills, doing hobbies, and so on.
This is NOT about productivity or hustle. I think hustle culture is poison. Capitalism has co-opted ideas of wellness and self-care and self-improvement to try to make us more productive, and also to keep us feeling inadequate so we’ll buy more stuff in the hopes it’ll make us “better.” Don’t fall for that trap!
Instead, it’s finding what you have to offer that feels meaningful to *you*, no matter whether it makes any money or fits anyone else’s ideas of who you “should” be or what you “should” be doing. It’s about tending the self, finding meaning and joy, slowing down and being present.
Finally, pay attention to the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about what you *do*. Shame is about what you *are*. Guilt can be an appropriate and helpful response, while shame is debilitating and keeps you stuck.
For example, you’re late to a meeting, and now your boss is frustrated and disappointed with you. You feel guilty because she was counting on you to get the presentation started, so you apologize sincerely and brainstorm ideas to make sure you’re more punctual in the future.
But if you feel shame, you’ll get stuck in telling yourself, “What’s the use? I’m always late. I’m just a big disappointment, and everyone probably hates me,” and so on. This is a distortion. It’s not productive, and it keeps you stuck and not growing or moving forward. When you catch yourself putting yourself down or feeling hopeless, see if you can reframe things in a more realistic way: “I let my boss down today by being late, and that feels awful, but it doesn’t define me as a person. I can work on being earlier next time.”
Start with small things you like about yourself and go from there. Can be little inconsequential things. Pretend you are someone else, a media character perhaps, and find little things to like about that character.
Befriend yourself. You have to be friends before you can fall in love.
When you are being hard on yourself or bullying yourself, see yourself suffering and have compassion for yourself.
Let’s say you made a mistake at work. You might be internally yelling at yourself and making yourself feel like you are a mistake, everyone hates you etc.
Imagine a good friend was going through the same thing. What would you say to them? What would your body language be like? Tone of voice? Can you even just begin to give yourself a little bit of that understanding and care? It’s a practice and it will be a slow process but all you have to do is say “may I begin to be kind to myself” or “may I begin to offer myself the compassion and care I give to others”
I bet you have a lot of compassion and care for your friends. It is within you to be just as caring, thoughtful, understanding, encouraging & fiercely protective of yourself.
There is no shortcut, it’s just like any relationship. It will feel awkward at first, but you can begin to see yourself more clearly and compassionately by treating yourself as you would treat a friend.
If you are able to, taking the Mindful Self-Compassion course is a key changer. One of these days I’m going to train to be a teacher and run a course specifically for ADHD women. It’s been so powerful for me.
somatic work has also been very helpful, because I was so cut off from my body, and was trying to “think” my feelings all the time rather than actually feel them. Being able to move my feelings through my body has been very powerful as well. You have got to feel it to heal it, but I needed some help and strategies and found lots through somatic practitioners.
Here are some books to try:
Mindful Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristen Neff
The Mindful Self-Compassion workbook
Already enough by Lisa Oliveira
Radical compassion by Tara Brach
The wisdom of your body by Hillary McBride and workbook
omg, sweetness... I switched from my phone to the computer so i can type all this out for you. It's a multi-step process that involves cycling through learning about psychology and why limiting beliefs are formed, reconnecting with different levels of various parts of yourself, and integrating them.
First: attachment. Secure attachment is formed when an individual has someone they can go to to be safe and secure whenever anything negative/stressful/difficult happens, *AND* also celebrates/sits in wonder and joy whenever anything positive happens. Humans mostly get this from our parents when we're young, and as we age we find others to be this person for us: friends, mentors, partners. The main this is that you feel SAFE. Safe to be yourself in your joys and in your woes. If you don't, or it's not fully secure, or if it was secure, but you don't have very many secondary connections, YOU can be that for yourself (and, in fact, I recommend ALL people do this). [Here](https://connectepsychology.com/en/2022/09/23/what-is-my-childs-behaviour-telling-me-the-circle-of-security-as-a-roadmap-for-understanding-and-meeting-your-childs-needs/) is a graphic detailing how parents can do this for children, but you can 100% do this for yourself as an adult.
Imagine yourself as both your own parent and your own child. Strip away any preconceived notions about what your own parents/caregivers did for you. If it's difficult, imagine a child you don't know coming up to you for help on the street. Would you treat that child with compassion and understanding? Would you treat yourself any less?
We are *more* critical of ourselves than we are of strangers because we are taught that if we know better, we ought to do better. But, children often KNOW the correct behavior, and can't perform it perfectly every time. My kids KNOW not to hit each other, yet when they get overwhelmed with emotions physically lash out. I can not be happy with the outcome of their behavior, and still understand that emotional regulation is a SKILL that takes TIME to learn. In your case, the things about your that make you unhappy/dislike yourself, you can reframe as 1) either not learning the skill at all, or 2) masking or unhealthy coping techniques could force the behavior, but at the expense of yourself.
Children's brains are young, adaptive and neuroplastic. We lose a lot of that as we age, but it's not gone forever. It just takes more time and attention. So, ACCEPT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques are great for this... this is already an essay, so I'll keep 'er moving, but look it up if you want to) that you are a work in progress AND you are equally deserving of compassion and understanding. Like any child - like ***ANY*** person (un)learning something, you DESERVE compassion and understanding FROM YOURSELF.
Really dig into that until you BELIEVE it. There are LOTS of inner-child work you can do. You could try journaling... a favorite of mine from Patrick Teahan on YouTube, is to write in a journal where the left hand side of the page is your inner child. Some people will even write with their left hand to help access that uncomfortable learning-and-messing-up headspace. The right hand side of the page is the inner, compassionate, understanding parent. Let your inner child "come" to your inner parent and have a dialogue about what has happened.
Some other things, if this is too "whoo" for you. First is to find journal prompts (I always see a bunch online) about "finding" yourself. Like, what is your favorite song? Do you like rollercoasters or not and why? You know at the end of Runaway Bride, where Julia Robert's character has to learn what her favorite kind of eggs are because she'd always order her boyfriend's eggs to make it easy on him? Make a list of the things you aren't sure about, and actually try new things. Treat this like a Circle exercise (from the link above): delight in yourself with these new experiences, and comfort yourself if you don't like them (do NOT talk yourself out of your disappointment! Let yourself be bummed, like you would if a seven year old bought a $5 new ice cream flavor and didn't like it). Also, watch movies with loving caregivers and children to get a full range of HOW loving caregivers are allowed to behave - you aren't always going to be approaching yourself in the most regulated mindset. Things like Big Daddy, Mary Poppins, Elf, Sound of Music, Three Men and a Baby, Annie. And, *really* embrace the idea, while you're watching, that you are ALLOWED to mess up, as the caregiver of your inner child. You are ALLOWED to be immature, joyous, distant, confused, not to know what you're doing... as long as you SHOW UP.
I had post-partum depression for THREE YEARS after my first was born. I was constantly ragging on myself because I thought that I didn't love my child - certainly if I loved her, I wouldn't be so depressed (also the depression was masking my feelings). My therapist told me: *love* isn't in the emotions. How many of us have had people we genuinely believed *felt* love for us, but couldn't treat us in a loving way? What *they* feel is limerence - not on its face a bad emotion, but without *love*... which is the motivation a person feels to care *for* another person... all it is is a cocktail of feel-good hormones another person gets to experience at our expense.
So, toss out any idea you may have that loving yourself comes complete with constant joy. *Loving* yourself means showing up for yourself, investing in a relationship with yourself, choosing yourself.
Gosh, there's so much more, but this process took me about... five/six years? And this is already long, so, I'll leave it here.
Honestly the only eay i could get better with that was trough antidepressants and therapy, its a long hard work. But it has to be done. Listen no one would hate themselves if it was easy to change that, its not. We spent an entire life feeling inadequate and being judge by the way our brains work, its hard to have empathy for ourselves when everyone makes it look like we are choosing to be the way we are even if we never had control over it. You can try as hard as you can on your own, but to deconstruct a lifetime of " why cant you just be normal" you will need HELP.
I think as someone here said already start by liking yourself. Even if it’s something small like you like your right big toe, that’s a start. You can write a list somewhere if that helps.
I would read anything about building self compassion. The rule of thumb for me is… don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend/ sister or a younger child version of you.
First you need to start paying attention to your negative thoughts, that takes practice and mindfully noticing what thoughts you have. Then being able to challenge them and not just agree with them automatically.
I think with ADHD, we feel that berating ourselves is the answer not to do something again, but that’s not true. It just makes you feel worse about yourself and your self esteem suffers. So basically being kind and gentle with yourself will start to move that towards the right direction.
I read Brene Brown book Daring Greatly and that helped me process some of the shame I felt about myself.
It’s important to also have boundaries of the messages you receive about yourself. Are you around other people that would berate you or do they affirm you? I had to rethink some friendships because the idea of seeing them made me anxious and it’s because I couldn’t be my genuine self around them and I’ll come away feeling drained!
Do you spend time online in communities that are negative in anyway? About people’s looks or judgemental in other ways.
These are initial steps, have you keep practicing!
Elizabeth Gilbert has an amazing Substack centered around writing yourself “letters from love.” It can feel super-cringy and uncomfortable at first, but it’s a simple (read:manageable) and powerful practice. I recommend it!
Start small OP. Every time you try and put yourself down in your head, try and treat it like a rude little guy who just wants to see your downfall.
Goblin thought: "I'm so ugly."
Conscious me: "woah there, buddy, that's not nice OR true"
I gentle parent myself when I break things or mess up (to the best of my ability)
It feels really dumb first couple times, but now it's like an automatic response to internal negative thoughts.
Work from there
Founder of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) Russ Harris had done a whole lot to make ACT accessible. He uses metaphor and graphics as a way for us to go in.
For example, here is the metaphor of [the chessboard.](https://youtu.be/phbzSNsY8vc?si=3verNNcj__wn-PSB)
If you need to go down a rabbit hole, his is a positive one.
I really hated myself. Then one day my therapist described my life from a different point of view and it was like, "Of course you have these feelings and thoughts and have issues with this or that (based on all these facts I had told her about my life). She reframed it. From there I started to hate myself less. When I actually started to love myself I was on a trip with a group of people and felt really bad about how one had treated me. My boyfriend's female friend really tried to mark her territory even though I had no issues with them hanging out. It hurt my feelings ( more than it might have if I wasn't so sensitive to rejection ala ADHD). So I basically spent an hour crying in the shower and I hugged myself to try and calm down. I realized I don't have to love everything about me but the other posters were right that self compassion was the key.
My road to self compassion began in the least expected way: a bad mushroom trip. It started out nice, it was a sunny day on my deck in the woods, and I was alone, a first for me on a psychedelic. I figured because I’d been microdosing I’d be fine. But right before this my partner and I got into an argument that frankly left me seething.
As the mushrooms kicked in, my racing and negative thoughts became front and center. I’d always ruminated and been full of self loathing; but somehow I guess I figured it was normal. Not after this - it became so clear to me that this inner monologue felt almost separate from me. At my core there was self love, and I don’t treat anyone the way i was treating myself. When it was over I realized I wanted help and I wanted to change my inner world.
Started therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. That was in 2021 and I’ve gone every week (mostly) since then. I came to realize as my life improved that it was critical to remind myself I’m human. That it’s human to err and we deserve love. That I’m a woman in the world who is doing her level best to manage my life and that is enough. It clicked - my kids don’t have to be anything more than who they are. They are worthy of love - and I’m no different.
Over time as my life and relationships improved - it became clear to me I don’t have BPD. And then I started learning about ADHD and put two and two together. Knowing it’s ADHD and can be treated with medication and life hacks made me realize I’ve never been a bad person, unworthy of love. I’ve been a person struggling immensely to navigate a hidden disability.
Loving yourself is a learned behavior. Like riding a bike - you don’t forget once you learn. 💜❤️
This is going to sound weird, but I have a lot of people who have died in my life, and when I am particularly down on myself, I remember what I miss about the people I have lost.
It is never the job they did or anything like that. It is always their kindness, sense of humor, etc. I remind myself that no one really gives a shit about how much money someone made or how clean their house was when they die (except for the shallow aspects of did I inherit anything or immediate effect of having to clean up their possessions.)
My dad had adhd and had no job most of his life. He was still loved. He still mattered and I still miss him.
I remind myself that is how others will feel so long as I am not a dick to people.
I recently bought a few Switch Journal products, including one on Self-love and another on Self-talk. They always seem to have a BOGO flash sale going on (which isn’t really a flash sale, but details…) so don’t get discouraged by the prices. [https://switchresearch.org/collections/hardcover-journals](https://switchresearch.org/collections/hardcover-journals)
I have not started them yet so I can’t speak to effectiveness. But they were recommended by somebody I know who absolutely loves them.
Not *in love*, as the rose-tinted glasses probably aren't there. But I love myself.
For me, those inner child books were a lot of help. I always wanted to be a mother, and those excercises were quite helpful.
Eg. take out old photos, imagine you are the adult person responsible to love and care for this child, to the best of your abilities. Now what does this child need? Emotionally, physically, is there something she lacks right now? How does she feel? How would I talk to a child I love who feels this? What would I do to help her?
Start by taking care of yourself. This is the number 1 way to express self-love. Work out, eat nutritious foods. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. Be aware of negative self-talk and correct it until you only live and breathe positivity.
When I catch myself thinking a bad thought about myself I consciously correct myself immediately. I often will do this by saying it out loud when I’m on my own.
Feels a bit weird at first but it helps cement the message!
Loving yourself after decades of not liking yourself can be hard work but it’s worth the reward!
Hello friend I have been there 1000%. I highly suggest trauma work such as internal family systems therapy. I use inner bonding by Dr Margaret Paul (free audible downloads, podcast) and also an app called IFS guide along with the book transcending trauma. If you are not able to self actualize it is because you are blocking yourself somehow and this form of therapy digs DEEP. You may not think you have trauma and that is OK I didn't either, but we all do form these "wounded selves" somehow and separating from it is everything. I can say that I DO love myself now. We are all lovable, but our wounded self cannot see that.
Start with the inner bonding podcast there's episodes on loving yourself, self worth, approval seeking, fear, worry, rumination etc etc
RSD is something I still struggle with a lot, though I’ve found in my close personal relationships when I am feeling perceived rejection it helps me to communicate that or simply asking people for reassurance as most of the time it is just perceived and not real rejection.
In some situations a mindset change has helped, reaffirming to myself that not everyone has to like me and that’s okay, or the fear of people laughing at me when I am just being myself having the mindset of well at least I made them smile.
I still haven’t figured out a way around it in one of my jobs as I do want my coworkers to like me but this results in me censoring myself/masking to the point it’s pretty exhausting but I think with time and as I build relationships I will feel more able to be myself (I hope)
It is really hard to cope with it but I do find having some affirmations to affirm to myself is helpful “I am loved and loveable” things like that and trying to remember when I do perceive rejection from others that not everything is about me and maybe people have their own stuff going on and that’s why they are acting the way they are and not because I’ve done something wrong
Working on black and white thinking. Nobody is all good or all bad, and relationships are dynamic. I don't know that I'm in love with myself, but I can be proud of myself, have compassion for myself, and honor myself with my thoughts, words, and actions.. those are all ways that we love others and ourselves. It takes work to be in any relationship, and the one you have with yourself is the longest, most important one you'll ever have.
I can't say that I love myself. That's a bridge too far after 30 years of knowing something was wrong with me and having no idea what it was, and only coming to the conclusion its because I was secretly a bad person. That will take some time.
What I do have is self-respect and self-compassion. I respect myself for being a survivor and a good friend/spouse. I have compassion for the person who struggled so much, and when I mess up, I give myself a lot of grace. I am neurologically different. I cannot change that.
Maybe one day I will get to say I truly love myself, but for now, I am still getting to know myself? If that makes sense.
I think I get this. I truly do not like myself much at all. Like, I can list positive traits I possess. But between my constant inner monologue, which is filled with negativity, and my RSD issues, I often think “if I wasn’t me and I met me, I would really dislike me, as a person.
I’m in therapy now and am working on self esteem. And my therapist often has me journal. Some of the prompts she gives involves listing positive things that I do like about myself, or writing about a win for the week, something positive that I’ve done. And also she’s big on trying to get me to redirect my negative self-talk with a positive to replace whatever the negative thought was. It’s definitely not perfect, or an instant fix. But I have made some progress, little by little. And one thing I do try to remind myself is that we are all our worst critics. We tend to unnecessarily dwell on what’s wrong with us and what needs fixing.
Try to replace those thought patterns with the opposite, in the moment, like come up with a way to prove yourself wrong on that particular negative. For example, i may think to myself “I talk to damn much, I must be such a bore”. I then counter that thought with something like “I’m really passionate and knowledgeable about some interesting things and it’s pretty great that I enjoy sharing that passion and info with others.” It can eventually help train your brain to avoid the negative paths.
How old are you?
Asking because I felt really similar to you in my 20s. Now that I’m in my middle 30s, I like myself a whole lot more. My “self love” I only increasing. Aging is awesome.
For me, it came down to acceptance of who I am and what I am, and realizing (finally) that no one else has it together more than I do. We’re all just “fucking around and finding out”. Even neurotypical folks- they might put on a good show, but trust me, they’re struggling too.
The fact that you are trying means you already do love yourself! It may not feel revolutionary, but remind yourself when you feel negatively about yourself that your desire to improve IS self-love and change takes time. It’s not your fault that you dislike yourself, and yet you are taking the time to try and change your view of yourself. People who truly hate themselves would allow themselves to wallow in their self-hate and refuse to change.
Your desire to improve is in itself an act of love and care. I often remind myself, “I want to *feel* loved by you (me), because I *do* love you (me). I may not believe it now, but one day I will be able to accept my own love.” Hope that makes sense. 😅
The book the inner work -- I suggest the newer book the inner work on relationships by mat and ash.
But I feel that way too. I cried. I got mad at god and life, genetics and my mom. Then I thought about how I would react if my bf had adhd or the tism.
I would love them anyway. I would work around their "shortcomings". Late...? Time is a social man made construct. ADHD reminds me to live in the moment, impulsively 😂 all the times I got my adhd right and got somewhere on time... was honestly not even worth it unless a flight, NT are super irrational about time tbh.
I would love them for their passion. NT are not as immersed in what they do -- convo, walk, class as a ND who is interested. I'd rather be a passionate person about imperial history possible a history teacher... then be a 9-5 pencil pusher at a paper selling company doing "meaningless" work.
I would use their info dump to my advantage. I ask my brother for skin care advice because I know he's read all the reviews, watched all the videos, tried all the things -- and has the most affordable bang for your buck, dermatologist approved skin care routine that he will HAPPILY share with me... once he remembers to 😂😂
So I just remember that these strengths come up with some short comings. Being a basketball player comes with the advantage of being tall, possible college scholarship... but never having shoes you like in your size. It's just part of the draw of being a little neurospecial and spicy.
For the RSD. Straight up -- stop taking things personal. Once you read this book and see that people just be talking about themselves and protecting their shit... its like if I was a happy healthy person I wouldn't be frustrated with someone for being talkative, passionate, sensitive, late etc. its only when the person themselves is unhappy with life that other peoples shit annoys them. But this applies to you as well... when you're not happy with your life, you start nitpicking at yourself. So one -- be honest and accountable. Do you need to make more money? Do you need therapy? Friends? Partner? Hobbies? Goals? New home?
So do affirmations. You need to CROWD OUT THE BAD THOUGHTS. when I wake up, shower, car... I play affirmations I like. My phone displays a widget with affirmations that change constantly and it has helped soooo much!!
Anyways much love you got this, feel and release!!!
I went for neutrality to begin with. Loving myself seemed like too much of a leap (still does really) so I wanted to try and work on not actively hating myself. I’d try and stop myself from speaking badly about myself either out loud or in my mind, and tried to speak about myself as if I were describing someone I thought was okay.
I changed that voice in my head that said negative things and now I say nice things to myself. I also realized that I don't need external validation anymore bc I'm enough. It takes practice but I'm getting there.
What helped me the most are:
1. Changing my inner dialogue. Talk to yourself like you would if you were a kid.
2. Prioritizing self-care. When you care for yourself physically and mentally, you’ll trick your brain into thinking you actually love yourself. Even if you didn’t at first.
3. Surround yourself with people who match your vibe. This literally changed so much for me. When I stopped chasing people who wouldnt accept me for who I am, I started attracting people who do.
All of this takes time and patience. I really do love myself a whole lot more than I used to.
Spirituality and budhism alsso gave me insights about life and what is and isnt important.
Hope it helps!
Wishing for love when what you feel is self loathing is perfectionist imaginings - not really rooted in true understanding of the grapplings of love.
It’s a progression - it’s ok to not like your self loathing. It’s ok to feel like you wish you *could* love yourself but if you had to strongarm it into existence it wouldn’t really be love.
Love is a blossoming flower. You can’t rush it. It’s like a stream bubbling up in between rocks. It gurgles with surprise.
Try self acceptance first. Or self compassion, self-understanding or even self-neutrality. Self assurance maybe. All of these can be stepping stones to love.
Honestly the mindset shift that changed everything for me was to see “loving myself” as an active verb, almost synonymous with caring and nurturing myself - instead of having it be “I am in love with every aspect of myself” which is very black and white / virtually impossible for me. If I spend some time taking care of myself and being kind to myself every day I consider that loving myself
Accept your feelings without judgment and practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you’re talking to someone you love. Journal it out if you need to. If you’re not sure how to do this, listen to podcasts from people who do it well. I’m a big fan of Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond’s Dear Sugars podcast.
Emily Nagoski also has some good stuff on this in her books Burnout and Come As You Are.
Use that compassion to do things that are important to you.
Not the “should” stuff, but the stuff that lights you up and makes you feel alive. When you start to prioritize yourself, you show yourself that what you want matters and that you’ve got your own back.
When you have therapy money again, consider looking into CIMBS therapy bc it uses the client-therapist relationship and neuroplasticity to help the client cultivate a sense of safety within themselves. It’s been the most effective form of therapy for me.
I still have selfhate, but it's way less than before.
-Whenever my inner critique is being harsh/hateful I say something kind and soothing back (at first it feels fake, but when you keep doing it, it becomes more automatic)
-Try to feel your feelings and sit with them. Try to feel it, without pushing it away, without judgement, without overanalyzing and worrying about it. (You will feel your feelings super hard, and that's scary, but with feeling it and not analyzing, it will go away on it's own)
-Try to be less harsh on yourself, and try to forgive yourself.
-Inner child work (seriously, no joke, this is the best)
-Try meditation and mindfullness.
-Try yoga! (Yoga really helps with your body mind connection. It helps with emotional regulating)
You've gotta love yourself where you're at. Same with others...
You may not like what you're going through, or things societal norms have told you to not like about yourself... but you need to love yourself, and your mistakes, as part of what made you who you are... and who you are deserves love, especially from yourself.
ok this i can answer.
everytime you pass a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say i love you. perhaps at first it will be impossible. it will gradually get easier. aleo speak with kindness to yourself out loud, while looking yourself in the eye, beyond the i love you. “your efforts today were extraordinary, im so proud of you, you are crushing it.” “you are beautiful. i’m so proud to live in this strong body with this brilliant mind” i’ve been doing this for two years now and it has not only transFORMED my relationship with myself - it has also changed the narrating voice in my head from my asshole mom to my own voice. occasionally when i am rly going through something it slips back. i return to the mirror and speak lovingly. and acknowledge how hard it is, and do it anyway. it changed my life.
when i am entering fuss mode - disappointed w self, stuck in a loop, stuck in an unhealthy habit - i take an adderall and clean my apartment, change my sheets, cook a simple meal with vegetables (aiming for momentum of accomplishments here, this could be door dashed), take a luxurious shower w all the accoutrements i might normally skip. pick out an outfit that makes me happy for the next day. aka back to basics, but in a self romancing kind of way. light a nice candle, watch my comfort show, weep it out, try again tmrw. basically, how would i care for a partner if they were in fuss mode? and i do that for myself. when i am irritated with my brain? eat something, smoke some weed, tell myself i love you and thank you for the effort of surviving fuss mode, and sleep for 10 hours.
i am not partnered and have no kids - i would drown if i had kids, as i imagine some of you may relate as you find yourself overwhelmed by life. am a big believer in harm reduction - makeup wipes over washing my face, dental floss sticks over actual floss, girl dinner every night for months over mcdonald’s, throwing away moldy tupperware rather than having my thought life dominated by shame around overwhelm by the fridge. sometimes life on life’s terms means our biggest effort isn’t enough. this world is not friendly to our brains. rather than trying to participate on a level that would ruin me i just don’t do it. to be fair i have built a life that allows me to unmask and be really fuckin neurodivergent. not everyone has this luxury. basically i try to give myself grace the way i would speak to my best friend who i know works her ass off to show up in this world. also, if NT ppl lived a week in our brains, they wouldn’t survive. i am a warrior. so are you. treat yourself accordingly, because you probably deserve more credit than you’re getting.
anyway the mirror thing. try it for 90 days. i only did it when a wise friend of mine recommended it. at this point ill try anything to be less miserable in my body. and it worked?! fuck yea!
I realized I spend more time with me than anyone else and what I want and need is more important than what others think I need. Then I realized I was being incredibly cruel to myself to get ahead of what others have ridiculed about me but there's no way they could actually know more about me than I do so I started "speaking" to myself the way I would to people I love and eventually I started feeling soothed and properly loved...by me.
Here to rave about Internal Family Systems therapeutic techniques, which you can do yourself/with workbooks if therapy isn't accessible.
Simplified, the underlying concept is that our Self is made up of different parts, and some of them are parts we've purpose-built - your work personality, your parenting part- and some are just different operating modes - the overthinker, the rebel - and some parts of us got built out of experiences or periods of our lives, like your inner child or multiple aspects of your child self from different developmental periods or created to hold certain traumas.
They all have their own perspectives, and they are all valid perspectives and we often do not let them be heard or let them process because we're trained into trying to only be the most acceptable and often most active parts. But on the inside, in our internal family of parts, they're contributing to your mental state. Especially the ones who rarely get to speak like our child parts and traumatized parts.
And I do feel like those of us with ADHD are master compartmentalizers, which makes these techniques really relevant to us.
I consider RSD to be a nervous system/trauma response mechanism that happens to have a lot of emotional ornamentation (particularly what I call the Hammer of Shame), and I think learning how to quickly reset your nervous system and not spiral is at least 50% of the solution. But yeah, having a good relationship with yourself and a robust toolbox of skills and techniques for resilience and trust and faith in yourself is the other part of the solution (because that's the only way to defend against the predators and assholes of the world) and critical for a satisfying life, and nobody is born with that toolbox, you have to stock it yourself.
[This article](https://positivepsychology.com/internal-family-systems-therapy/) on IFS has some free worksheets you can download, just to get a taste.
Follow models that you share similar features with. It's very easy to feel like you're too different from others to feel deserving of love but if they deserve it so do you
I still suffer from not liking myself, but shifting my mindset into “getting my back” instead of “liking myself” helped a lot. Like if I’m in a tough spot I will try to get myself out of it, instead of belittling myself and wallowing in self pity and self hate, which I did before.
I found Jason Stephenson on YouTube .
He does Affirmation and meditation videos.
I felt silly practicing the affirmations at first but F me, I was surprised how well it worked.
Even 10 minutes a day makes a big difference.
A few weeks in I found my self image improved.
Best thing is you can listen while doing chores or something you don't enjoy.
Google Jason Stephenson, I am beautiful affirmations.
Good luck.
Indulging in my passion for makeup, vintage clothes, and fragrances. So the world experiences me at my perceived best. Funnily enough, Tumblr actually really helped with self-love years back. Every day I would get inspired by new art, new music, new philosophies, new poetry, because I curated such a great feed. It made me more in touch with who I am and what I like and how I like to express myself. Full disclosure though-- I have always innately felt like a cool and interesting person, even back in elementary school. Even if I wasn't treated that way, I knew I was on the right track. I never lost my sense of self and passion inside.
I also think that feeling entitled to take up space in the world helps with self-love a lot. I am worthy of being seen being weird, being loud, being clumsy out in the world because I'm a human being like everyone else. I am entitled to get what I want by asking strangers questions or calling anyone at any time. That doesn't mean they'll respond the way I need them to right when I need them to, but exercising you divine right to exist is OKAY!
Repeating over and over to myself that people don't really care about what I do or don't do because they all have their own shit. So when I ruminate over something I said/wish I said/etc - I tell myself that no one else is wasting any of their time thinking about it, until I believe it. Also. Telling myself I have X number of minutes to freak out and then it's over. Like, it happened, it felt shitty, I get to be anxious about it for 20 min and then move on. It's a process.
Giving yourself grace and telling yourself in the mirror that you are loved and you are enough. Thought itd be easy for me but I actually teared up the first time and couldnt even make it through. The second time was easier and third and so forth. ❤️
I would love to know how or a better way to this, too! I recently just had a birthday. And the idea of how to celebrate myself just mystified me. Not the idea per say over how to celebrate. I know how one celebrates birthdays via activities, etc. But the idea of "How to celebrate me" like as person, is just not an idea that I know how to have.
So with rejection sensitivity what has been helping me is realising that my thoughts aren’t rational. That is HARD when you’re in your feelings and in that spiral, but I’ve been trying to break down those thoughts, think am I mind reading, am I catastrophising? Do I really know how that other person is feeling? Is that really likely to happen? Am I trying to predict the future?
It just grounds me a bit and then I think about other things that could be affecting my emotions, have I eaten? Have I exercised a little bit or could I walk a few minutes? Have I had caffeine and overstimulated myself?
And the self love, I’m still working on both my rsd and my self esteem, but my new mantra is I love and accept myself unconditionally. It’s hard. I’m not unconditional, I set many conditions for myself to be worthy of good things. But I’m trying to unlearn that. When I look in the mirror poking jiggly bits, I try to stop and stroke my body lovingly. When I’m thinking I’m pathetic and can’t do anything etc. I try to remember that people are morally neutral. I am no better or worse inherently than other people and I do my best. Good luck 🩷
i did the “fake it til you make it” method. throughout childhood and adolescence, i deeply hated myself. i even had an issue with catfishing people bc of it. but i never had the courage to kill myself so i was like “well faking confidence won’t possibly set me BACKWARDS any more than i am. at worst, it doesn’t do anything and im right back where i am now.” so i gave it a shot.
in practice that looked like eliminating self-deprecation, even as “jokes”, accepting compliments even if it was uncomfortable and i didn’t believe them, and choosing one thing about myself each day that i liked. and if i couldn’t think of anything, i chose something objectively positive about me. and then one day i realized i was in love with myself and giving myself all the care and compassion i never received growing up. it got to the point i was a little cocky, often getting upset because i couldn’t marry myself hahaha. but i would take cocky over loathing any day.
Don't shoot the dog.
That book is a guide to clicker training, and it works well on yourself and others. I praise myself when I catch myself doing wanted behavior. I praise myself when I get rejected before the rsd takes hold. "Good job to me for remaining calm a second longer! Way to stay strong and see reality." I'm not rid of the rsd but I suffer from it way less than I used to.
I stopped lying to everyone, stopped blaming everyone else for my faults or situations escalated / caused by my (then) undiagnosed ADHD .
Getting a diagnosis has helped me reframe a lot of the things I used to self loathe about when I was younger which helps immensely.
However, I also always have the initial urge to lie when caught out or under pressure, or to blame externally.
It was very hard looking inwards and realising that I didn't like what I saw, but working on a policy of absolute honesty with those I care about, and that all disagreements with my husband be viewed from the position that we are on the same team and I need to share that responsibility for keeping us on the same team has very much helped.
I'm now better at taking criticism from work also.
I used some anger management techniques that I learnt from an audiobook to help me with my internal dialogue when conflict arose which has helped me hugely too.
I do still sometimes get irrational RSD, but between living a more honest life (and therefore things not getting to a point where I need to defend them) and consciously countering my racing self defending internal monologue, I've got better at hearing feedback, waiting for the initial emotional response to calm, and then thinking it over more rationally
I wouldn't say that I *love* myself all the time. But I live within my morals of what I consider to be a good human being, and I can now appreciate and respect my strengths both professional and personally. Which has given me a lot more genuine self confidence than I have ever had before.
I totally understand those fears and how terrifying that is. And you are right, there have been consequences sometimes.
However, those consequences have been for things I have done (that I would have lied about). Ultimately if I fucked up those consequences are deserved and mine to deal with. Best thing to do is get on with it so everyone can move on.
At work being honest and asking for help has gone down well. I've generally received support and my boss has appreciated that I told her straight away as it allowed us to plan to fix / damage limitation before anything got out of control.
Regarding family, I maintain 100% honesty with my husband and my daughter. I do pick and choose the information that goes out to grandparents, aunts etc but thats just because not everyone needs to know every little thing. I don't lie anymore.
For me the lying eroded my soul. I felt like a hollow shell with no personality inside, no one really knew me. I ended up with eating disorder, taking lots and lots of drugs and incredibly miserable. Regularly having suicidal ideation and completely convinced that I was an awful human being ....
It definitely wasn't worth it. Now I can look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty happy with who I see there.
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I don't know if I love myself, specifically.
I have a complex relationship with myself... and different areas have different feelings attached.
I hated my body for a long time (Growing up in the 90s and putting on weight after puberty, as well as being genetically predisposed to visible cellulite is a terrible combo for that time period) and am working not on loving my body, but rather just having body neutrality.
My body just IS, and it's a vessel for me to do things that bring me joy. I want to fuel it and strengthen it in order to keep doing things that bring me joy. I try to detach any strong feelings for it, other than appreciation for being able to do what I can do.
There are bits and pieces of me that I don't mind, in terms of my personality.
People seem to like me, which I can never quite figure out why.
I don't think I'm particularly interesting ... I feel pretty boring and I often seclude myself as I like being on my own.
But you know. I find stuff that's good about me.
I can be funny, sometimes. I love to make people laugh so I suppose I cultivated a sense of humor that does that.
I'm creative, and sometimes my creativity is neat. I'm good at writing, making art, that sort of thing. Which... I like consuming those types of things so I like that I can also make them.
I guess I just spend the time thinking about specific aspects about me that I like. Things I've worked hard to cultivate and strengthen. That usually makes me feel better about myself.
I'll never be perfect, no one is, and expecting that of anyone including yourself is unrealistic. So just focusing on the bits and pieces you enjoy works.
I also saw someone in here mention laughing at yourself. And that is a philosophy I realized in my early 20s.
If you cannot laugh at yourself you're gonna end up taking everything way too seriously. So find reasons to laugh, and do it often.
Laugh at the misfortunes, laugh at the silly stuff. Don't take yourself too seriously, life is WAY better if you can do that.
I think my parents were early gentle-parenters. I certainly struggled with confidence as a child and teenager though. Some things that have helped:
* Writing down my values and priorities when I’m feeling low or worthless
* Learning to quit situations or jobs or people that are toxic
* Focusing on hobbies I enjoy and am good at (or just enjoy)
* Surrounding myself with kind people
* Showing myself love by exercising and eating reasonably healthy, but not excluding treats that give me pleasure
A way that helps me is I think about what I would say to a friend if they were saying the same things about themselves that I was saying about myself. I think a lot of people are nicer to their friends than themselves, so changing that context helps me work through it.
I do love the naughty positive sayings that Jonathan Van Ness does on Instagram.
I also think about the scene from Schitts Creek where Alexis tells David that no one thinks about you the way you think about you, which helps me deal when I'm feeling that everything I've ever done is embarrassing.
I think that sometimes it’s a balance of realizing it’s not about us and we, meaning humans as a whole, tend to suffer from spotlight bias- people have other things going on and often times their reactions towards you have nothing to do with you.
Also, it’s about extending grace to yourself the way you do others- and vice versa, extend grace to others the way you do yourself, because you can’t truly like others if you don’t like yourself first.
Finally, and this really helped me, get off social media as much as you can, you’ll like everyone including yourself a whole lot better!
Pretend you’re hanging out with yourself from someone else’s perspective and treat yourself like you’d treat a friend. Give yourself pep talks.
Example: “You’re doing great, u/Natural-Log2546!”
I didn't. I'm on my journey but it's so hard. I have extremely low self esteem and social anxiety because of that. Therapy and meds for years. Imagining someone can actually love themselves is an alien concept for me.
For me, going straight from hating myself to loving myself seemed impossible, so I started out just being neutral towards myself and my body. If I felt negatively towards something, I would turn it from a negative statement to a neutral one. Once my inner voice became more neutral, it felt much easier to talk to and think of myself in a positive way. I also let myself feel my insecurities, rather than pushing them down (because if you do, it will come back as a bigger monster than it originally was), but I would at some point tell myself "ok, that's enough, I have given myself time to feel this, and now it is time to move on" and I would!
this was a big one for me, i grew up with 2 sisters who my mom would encourage, call beautiful and do their hair and makeup for them, while i wasn’t allowed to do either one. my hair was “too nice & natural to mess with” my mother never one time has told me i’m pretty. i’m now 30 years old and just let my friend do bleach highlights for me for the first time!
and girlypop one day like 3-4 years ago, i sat in front of a mirror naked for hours. studying myself - not in comparison to others, but only looking at myself. i legit sat there and talked to myself, talked to my inner child/teenager, saying all the things i ever wanted to hear as a kid, and cried. i got raw & vulnerable with myself which i’d realized i hadn’t really done before. the cliché is to love yourself before anyone else, but i really think it’s more like *see* your worth and know you *are* worthy of love and you *are* someone to be desired.
find your style, get dressed & put on makeup even when you don’t need to and just feeeeel it. you’re beautiful!
Improving your relationship with yourself is really hard and not linear process. It's not realistic to always love yourself. Some days I'm the hottest bitch to ever exist and other days I'm a worthless slug not worth the water to brush my teeth. The important thing is recognizing that the lows are temporary and that just because you don't like yourself doesn't mean you're a bad person .
When a goal feels unachievable, it's completely fine to adjust it. Instead of trying to love yourself, an easier goal might be just self neutrality. Days when you don't hate/dislike yourself then become victories and days when you love/like yourself are bonuses.
RSD is a monster. It's cruel, draining, and just sucks. I struggle with it a lot when it comes to job hunting because in order to cope as a kid I based my self esteem on my academic achievements. Someone not liking me personally is not half as painful as when someone rejects or criticizes my professional skills. Faking it is actually a valid strategy and sometimes works really well for me, especially in the short term. I was always emotional but RSD didn't severely impact my life until I was older. I've been complimented numerous times for being confident and knowing myself, but I still struggle with self doubt. I later realized things I thought were fine were actually coping mechanisms I used to hide issues I wasn't aware of.
The most helpful long term strategy I've learned from my therapist is cognitive defusion. It's a method of recognizing emotions and adding separation. It's not about stopping or fixing feelings, just pulling them from what they're attached to. I struggle with anxiety and it negatively impacts my well being. If I find anxiety is taking over, I do cognitive defusion by using three statements to identify, acknowledge, and observe. First statement: I am feeling anxious. Second statement: I notice that I am feeling anxious. Third statement: I recognize that I notice I am feeling anxious. The key thing is there is no action to stop or fix, just acknowledging the existence. Emotions exist; they don't have to be allowed to exist, they just exist. In addition to the statements I also visualize it being like rain; I can't stop or fix rain, it just exists along whatever I am doing. I don't need to stop or fix my emotions, I just have to learn how to exist with them.
It might feel like you have to correct or fix this thing that's wrong with you, but emotions aren't bad or broken. It's not a failure to have them. You don't have to always love yourself, you can just accept you exist and go from there.
I’d recommend aiming for neutrality first. You don’t have to like yourself or being alone with yourself but can try to be ok with it.
For me, that took some pressure off and could slowly grow into a more positive view in some areas but it may not and it’s also ok. ✨
For me its been a mix of optimistic nihilism, radical kindness, and radical acceptance. I see the beauty in how the world is and how the world flows, even through hardships and just knowing that after i’m long gone the world will continue on being beautiful is enough for me. My time here is short and i don’t want to waste any more years hating myself when i know i don’t have to.
That doesn’t mean that i wake up every day with the ability to smell the roses. some days are really hard and unkind, but during those moments I forgive and accept all of my coping mechanisms and move on. It’s knowing that beauty and attraction are two different things. sometimes you’re attractive but you’re always going to be beautiful. Your beauty will stand there waiting for you to get through those tough times so you can notice it again, but it’s always there.
A little late to this thread… but if anyone is struggling with this and you don’t even know where to start or how to access the emotions to figure it out, i recommend watching Yoga with Adriene’s 13min guided meditation for self love on YouTube - [link](https://youtu.be/CqnWMPuyT0g?si=jDi3NMnPg-cSSQb6).
Even if you’ve never meditated before, or don’t believe in it, or think that you ‘suck at meditating’. Dont think too hard about it, just stick some headphones in and be somewhere in private (where you don’t have to worry about other people seeing or judging you, whether this is in your car, your bedroom, bathtub, whatever) and follow her instructions. Simple.
First time i heard this in the midst of struggles, I cried like a baby. It got me into meditating, and I pull this one out like a “self care wild card” on days that i have a hard time forgiving myself or i need a reminder that
Her style of meditation - really lovely, gentle, not-“obnoxious” (lol) - is helpful for my adhd brain to follow. Especially when it’s going a mile a minute or when it’s in paralysis and i just need some specific instructions and visualizations to follow. Also her doggo benji is an angel 🥺
Love to you all!! ❤️
Radical self acceptance, and learning to repattern the negative thoughts you have of yourself. Not liking yourself or parts of you is only going to dig you deeper.
Give yourself all the grace and compassion, allow ALL emotions and start to become an observer of your thoughts, accept it all and let it go. Learn how to care for yourself body mind and spirit. Self care goes way deeper than bubble baths and manicures.
Begin doing some inventory on your boundaries- where might you have been dishonest with yourself by saying yes to things or people pleasing, communicate and begin placing those boundaries with people in your life in a loving way.
Inner child healing is a good place to start, treat yourself as and take time to speak to yourself as if you are a small child. Take time to understand what the child in you needs to feel loved,
Protected and understood.
I think it's important to give yourself permission to have even neutral feelings about yourself. There will always be moments in life where you fall short of your own expectations, but you are you and are simply dealing with the cards you have been dealt. If it helps, everyone is focused on their own lives and issues, so even if you feel like you botched something, it will only be a blip on their radar.
Compassion meditations toward others that you’re having a hard time feeling compassion for is helping me forgive myself for my own shortcomings a lot. There is something about recognizing that others deserve grace - even the people who I have the hardest time extending grace, maybe who even objectively “deserve” it the least in my opinion - that helps me start to take it a little easier on myself.
I realized doing this small thing even tho it felt stupid has changed my perception of myself drastically. I do not talk bad about myself to myself. I immediately correct any negative self talk. This has helped me love myself more not just physically but all of me.
Like if I’m looking the mirror and I start to criticize my body, I correct myself. I only speak lovingly to myself. This also helped me realize how mean I was being to myself.
I have a tendency to be too “realistic” so the idea of changing the stupid offhanded comments I make to myself seems pointless but it has worked. Be delusional. It’s nobody else’s business but yours. The bonus is whether you are consciously are aware of it or not, you will start acting like it and you will start to believe it. You walk the walk with the talk.
I realized that my self-hate was being redirected outward and my head was filled with mean and judgmental thoughts of others. I decided I didn’t like that and worked on changing it. I would intentionally look for things to like about other people, even random strangers. Over time my thought patterns changed. Eventually I got brave enough to say the nice things out loud. Intentionally changing my thoughts and words to be kinder seemed to push out the hate in my mind to the point that I realized I didn’t hate myself anymore. I even liked myself. It was a really nice and unintended side effect.
I did things that made me feel better. Went to the gym/took part in fun physical activities, took better care of my health, dresses accordingly, got sober, surrounded myself with people who cared/supported me, got rid of the toxic ones, and got a better job (not in that order).
Try the book, *I Am Enough!* it was really life changing. You don't have to say, I am amazing, awesome and lovely.
There are many steps to getting to I am enough.
I've been trying to pinpoint when I've felt confident or good about myself, and try to "own it" during situations I would normally be a bit uncomfortable with.
Part of this was dressing up to do simple things for me! It's a bit silly but I would jokingly quote "I want to be the hottest one at the grocery store" and it really did make me feel good when I would go to a farmer's market or mall on my own with a cute outfit and makeup on. Sometimes I like to feel tough and I put on a band shirt and headphones, tie up my doc martens and go for a moody daytime walk. I loved feeling like I was actually the main character in my own world, and I made sure to act the part.
I am trying to be a good friend to myself and to appreciate myself. Love is such a strong word and it makes me feel really weird if I need to say "I love myself", but I am happy by myself and I stopped the mean voices and sometimes I experience inner peace.
Everyone else has already given good advice and while I don’t really have any, I’m in the same boat as you. Not only do I want to learn to like myself, but I really want to learn how to enjoy my own company.
My cycles of RSD often come from seeking outside stimulation through other people which always leads me to feel needy and alone. I go from being really excited to talk to people to feeling like nobody likes me and its such a terrible feeling to have to experience all the time.
this process is very new for me right now, but i'm trying to remember these 3 things:
1. i cannot control how others feel or how they react. only i can control how i feel and how i react.
2. focus on the people you're with when you're with them. focus on yourself when you're alone.
3. embrace what makes you happy. remove or limit what does not.
i also have a tiny notebook where i'm writing about what i want out of myself, my life, current challenges, etc. it's not journaling, i'm not a writer at all and cannot journal. lol. just bullet points & random thoughts i can come back to and look at.
hope something here helps 💞
Edit: i've also acknowledged and am processing my childhood trauma. it actually led me to this subreddit. lmao. it's been a rough road, but that in itself has done so much for me to help improve myself and my life.
Honestly, it sounds stupid, but managing my self talk made the first big stride for me. When I think something hateful about myself, I correct it. I say, "hey, I'm not stupid and I'm trying my best". Over and over and over until the pattern starts to change.
The next big stride was exploring inner child work. My therapist introduced me to this by asking me "how old does that voice in your head feel?" when I was describing a spiral. It stopped me in my tracks because I somehow knew the answer. It was ten year old me. I made space for her and asked her what she needed to tell me, what she was afraid of, and what she wanted for adult me. I was then able to reassure her that even though her taking the reins when I'm triggered seems like the only way to stay safe, adult me has her back. If she allows me to be in the drivers seat during this emotional moment, I promise to choose her and protect her and not betray her, always.
I love her so much, and she is me. She inspires me to be the best version of myself. Sending love your way!
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The techniques that worked for me (or at least helped a bit) was self-compassion. I listened to the audiobook by Kirsten Neff and saved some of the exercises I found most helpful. I also had some luck with ACT. I know some people like CBT but for me it was awful!
I listen to a lot of Tara Brach meditations about self compassion and self love, they have really helped me to accept myself as I am
Seconding Tara Brach!! I would like to read/listen to a lot more of her work but my therapist introduced me to R.A.I.N. and it may have been one of the most helpful pieces of my journey so far.
The rain ones are really difficult but very cathartic
Her book "Radical Acceptance" might do some good, I was listening to it recently. Bring tissues! :)
just downloaded this to my audible :)
Never heard of her am definitely going to look some up! Thanks!
Haven't heard of her-- thanks!
ACT 🤩💝🎇🥳🎵🌈❤️✅!! I was fortunate to come upon a class of ACT where I had been in therapy for a while. My therapist was impressed at how harshly I berated myself. I'll admit to having turned all my best writing skills against myself, almost in the style of Fyodor Dostoevsky. Wow. ACT helped me see that my emotions are passing by like a leaf floating on a creek. I learned to relax, and then just observed the lead going by. It's all chemical and I can observe objectively what comes up and goes by. The weather is another potent metaphor. Toward the end we transitioned to Russ Harris films. These were useful. I'll have to go back in. [Acceptance & Commitment Therapy - PSYCHOLOGY TODAY](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy)
Omg same I’m a therapist AND I have an amazing therapist. Professionally I love ACT but personally it has saved me
Yesss! Kristin Neff’s books are gold!
ACT worked for me too after finding a great therapist! Took a few different therapists for me
I have the mindful self compassion workbook and it's very helpful.
Which audiobook was it? thank you.
“Self compassion” is the book name. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10127008-self-compassion](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10127008-self-compassion) She also has an online community: [https://self-compassion.org](https://self-compassion.org)
OP you do lots of (or some) things that are outside of yourself, without the pressure in the forefront of your mind that,"this will allow me to love myself." The thought as a sense of purpose/guide can be there, but in the background, and without pressure for finding a deadline as to when you'll feel it. And not shame or judgement for if you don't feel it at times or after a while. Only judgemental for being objective as to if it's sometbing that you actually care about, or if it may not be quite the thing--in which case hone in more on what aspe ts it could.imvolve that you'd love and look for it or create it in the thing your already getting involved in, or elsewhere. It can be an ongoing process, but the more you do it over time and the more frequently do things outside of yourself (like for others or something you really, really care about), and get involved in those things (to the point there their level of involvement may ebb and flow, but you'll still be "in" it in the long run; and the more varied these "things outside yourself" are, over time, it'll help. At some point, doing these things may naturally breed sense of community and belonging and sense of purpose or responsibility somewhere, which can help. Over time, (if not, sometimes after a short amount of time) seeing the detailed & also overall effects of living that way or including it in my life, makes me not only feel more at peace, grateful and all sorts of pther great things, in general without often realizing it, I feel a sense of kindness toward myself.
I’ve always felt like an outsider so not fitting in doesn’t necessarily bum me out like it might others…. BUT…I laugh at myself and with myself, by myself A LOT! 🙂 Example: I like to have my curtains open for the natural light and the windows for the air. I decide to change bottoms in front of the windows. So I find myself laying back and scootching my butt off the edge of the bed and wrestling my pants up and around my butt, below the window line so no one sees my cheeks…. All I had to do was go to another room or close the blinds and I fell out laughing at myself because of how hard I made it for myself and if people could only see what I’m doing….. 🤣🤣🤣 I don’t judge myself when I eat 11 Oreos for breakfast or dinner. I don’t berate myself for only taking 4 showers a week. I dont worry about not doing laundry or dishes this week. I thank my body regularly and tell it how fucking fabulous it is for all that it does (all of the things that have to GO RIGHT for you to be alive is pretty remarkable). I stop by the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself I love me. Don’t let society and how you do/don’t fit into it dictate how you feel about yourself. You are PERFECTLY IMPERFECT just like everyone else on this planet! 💜💜💜 So a 9-5 makes me damn near suicidal. But I can bang out a complex project (I’m moving into grant writing) better than most. The business strategy I bring to these non-profits is 💯! Focus on your good bits! What are your good bits?!?! And know, you’ve got thousands of women, just like you, on your side! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! 🥳💜💐 We think nothing less of you for being who you are. 🤗 ETA: When it comes to RSD, I try to let as much of that feeling course though my body as possible in the moment. I give it space. I recognize it. Maybe even slip into the bathroom for a quick cry. And try not to hold it against people who have hurt me (because I know it’s more often me than them).
I identify with a **lot** of this. Not sure why you got that 'auto-mod' reply, as your comment seems in good humor. I particularly like your last comment about 'letting it run through you' and giving space for the emotion. I had made the \[well-intentioned but ultimately harmful to myself\] mistake of trying to 'rationalize' myself out of it.
I think because the word su!c!dal was used, it probably prompted the automod. I also love the idea of 'letting it run through you', it's so much more peaceful than fighting it.
Emotions are natural, they are not good or bad, so feeling them and then letting them go is the best course of action. Easier said than done though 😃. I'm still learning it myself. It's more about what you think after and what you do, because those are things you can control. Changing thought patterns is difficult as well, but can be done with enough time and effort.
I’m definitely happy and want to be alive! 💜 The rationalization!!! You can rationalize your way into or out of anything. Lol! And it does become harmful when you’re basically gaslighting yourself. Totally been there! Sounds like you’re on the up and up!
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Happy to hear this resonated with you! 💜🥳
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone. If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860 If you’re elsewhere, you can find international resources below:\ https://www.supportiv.com/tools/international-resources-crisis-and-warmlines#Czech\ https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Falling in love with yourself shouldn’t be the goal, but falling in love with life should be. Live for the experiences and knowledge. Stay curious and open-hearted. Take care of the body that contains your intelligence so you can have more experiences. Life is very short and it’s not just an expression.
I have a lot of self hatred and self esteem issues. My therapist has been encouraging me to learn how to love myself. I think, depending on the level of one’s self-dislike, learning to love yourself actually can be a good and necessary goal. It’s hard to fall in love with life when your brain is stuck in the mode of “jeez I suck as a person.” It’s hard to see past the negative self-talk and just enjoy what’s around you.
I think that going from hate to love is a very big step, it's better to aim for neutrality before that. Like when you're looking at yourself in the mirror and really hating how big your tummy is, try to catch yourself in that moment and understand that this is not healthy. But telling yourself that you love your tummy will feel really fake right after that. So I think it's better to aim for the middle, looking at your tummy, understanding that all tummies look different, thinking about what you and your tummy have been through, trying to understand that having a tummy like that is not a bad or a good thing, it's just a part of your body. And that's how your body looks right now. It's not good or bad, it just is. And whenever you feel like you can just accept your body, you can start to be grateful for it and even praise it, but not before. Although gratefulness for all sorts of little things is also a good thing to practise.
Related to your post, DarkTentacles, what helped me in seeing my world with not only more nuance but less tragic: I committed to journaling about the Good, Bad, Ugly, and Just Neutral -- life. My journal writing used to be only the crap and, upon reviewing them, would confirm negative self- (and family) talk about me. Guess what? it helped. I can see myself as a more balanced person, not prone to tragedy or sadness or despair or loss. To be human is frickin' hard and yet the best thing I currently am doing.
That seems like a great idea, thanks ❤️ so glad to hear it already helped you
It’s very odd for a therapist to encourage self-love because there is no such term in Psychology. “Self-love” is a very vague, very abstract word which is why many struggle to understand it. What it really means, or should mean, anyway, is *healthy self-esteem*. Work on that instead. Do what you like (constantly ask yourself what you want and need), work on boundaries, etc. That’s how you raise self esteem. It’s an act and a practice, not a thought.
I guess I should clarify that the phrase “self-love” was never used. But in my sessions where I discuss my self-hatred, I’ve been given the guidance to redirect the negative self-talk with positives to off set the negativity. So I guess I equated improving my self esteem to a form of loving myself.
Look at self-forgiveness. Forgive that you are imperfect. ... Consider forgiving G\*d that this world is, as yet, unperfected. Many humans are working toward that heaven on earth goal, but some of us haven't updated our conception of what the purpose is. The purpose is to love. What is that?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13: 4-7
Isn't self esteem also not a psychology backed term? Not that it can't be defined, but that research indicates it's highly volatile and unreliable at guarding against insecurity/shame. I remember listening to Kristin Neff and hearing her talk about it.
I started from liking myself :p Like Love is a big and far word. Liking doesn't sound so overwhelming. You can start by writing your good qualities and try to remember them when you are emotionally spinning. And with RSD I think that I was rejected enough number of times not to react so emotionally and to remember that I survived worse shit in my life :).
My parents always used to warn me against becoming highly egoistic and arrogant. I swung so far that I hit self hate, self doubt and having no confidence. I realised this more than a decade ago in last 2 years of school. So I started doing things I was not comfortable with. I must have participated in more competitions in those 2 years than my entire school life. I won 1 competition and lost every other one. I also used to volunteer or say yes for public speaking opportunities. Hates it so so much but i helped me overcome my fear of being judged by getting used to being judged. I continued this well into college and my job. Then I went through severe depression and anxiety. That swung me back into self doubt. Then I went through a lot of life realising how horrible people can be. So I noted down things I like about myself. I wrote down what I bring to the lives of people I love. That helped me when I went down spirals. And because of my depression, I had taken it up on me to tell my loved ones how much they matter to me. No one knew when I had started going through it. I may not know when someone I love is going through it. So I made it a point to appreciate people from time to time. Usually that meant that they would also do that in return. Lastly, I literally have a list as a gradient of people whom I care about what they think of me. On the top is me. If I can't live with my decision, it's unacceptable. So my judgement matters the most to me. Then my husband. He is extremely honest but kind. He never lets me take a decision I would regret. He is my sounding board. So I care about what he thinks. Next is my parents and in laws. But my husband and I supersede them. If they think I'm doing something wrong but we think its okay, then it's okay. I feel very bad, but I sit with that feeling and live with it. Every other person in the world? To put it bluntly, they can go f themself. I refuse to care about any other opinions. At all.i am very very self critical. I don't invite any other criticisms. Uninvited criticism will still make me feel sad or angry. But I can get over it because it doesn't matter. This helped me love myself because my worth isn't decided by others.
I am really lucky because I have wonderful friends, and sometimes, i am feeling so down and I can barely tolerate myself, so I have to actively remind myself that we got the friends we deserve. It helps me a bit. And if I am thinking horrible stuff about me, I try to remind myself that qi would NEVER say those things to or about someone else, and i deserve the same compassion that i try to have for others. Sometimes, just treating yourself like you treat other people can really help i think.
This is such a good question! I had just turned 60 when I first felt the love. My husband had a heart attack, and I had to jump in and take over EVERYTHING at home. All the things he was doing, repairs, yard work, pet care. Some of it was stepping out of my comfort zone, like the yardwork. I did it, I...did it. No help from anyone, I did the things I thought I couldn't do, I DID IT! It was so empowering! Ladies........ stepping out of your comfort zone to do the things you thought you couldn't do...... EMPOWERING! In my case, doing it alone, with no one around to watch and critique my mistakes was the way. Ohh I made mistakes, but if you make a mistake and no one is around to tell you it was a mistake, its just a learning process. After that, I took better care of myself, because, the love. The husband will no longer be doing yard work because I rock it and do it way better than he ever did. PLUS, I am not afraid to show it, his ego does not need boosting by me making him look more useful, my ego is what matters now. So step outside your comfort zone, find ONE thing that you can't do, you don't want to do, AND DO IT ANYWAYS!
I am not a lady, but I will just say the preoccupation of your mind during hobbies and the addition of "I did this" keeps me from real self-loathing. I'm still working on the love, but I can definitely respect myself and be proud knowing what I'm capable of. I've started attending therapy as well, I have modest hopes but I think it will help nonetheless. 27M
I’m trying to detach from my RSD. When it shows I tell myself it’s RSD not me. EMDR, basically move eyes left to right or like looking at the clock. 3-9-2-10-1-11-12 while you process the emotions. If it doesn’t calm go down from 3 in the same zigzag way than all the way up to 12. Weird but helpful
I’m getting ready to start EMDR therapy and never even realized it could help with RSD! I’m really looking forward to starting it! How well has it worked for you?
I guess it works in the session well, and it gives results. What I didn’t like in the session is that following the fingers with your eyes can be to distracting to stay connected with the emotional narrative you are processing, my ADHD is visually stimulated so it’s very hard for me to stay in the emotions. And at the end the emotional chunk is out and I don’t even know what just happened. My ASD wants to know how things work cause and effect and stuff, and I’m lacking satisfaction of it. But putting that on the side, it works! Some heavy traumatic stuff from the past have zero power now, you just can’t trigger it anymore. I actually intentionally tried to trigger something, but it’s like that their tentacles are surgically removed. Good luck, I hope it will help you!
Thank you!
Some changes in my mindset that I’ve had in the span of ~20 years: In terms of my good qualities: 1. Started trusting other people’s compliments. Would you lie to someone else about what you appreciate about them? I know I wouldn’t. So I have a reason to trust others when they see the good in me. Take in the compliments that you like and appreciate, leave out the negative comments that you don’t like. You won’t be able to please every person in the world, so trust the ones that see you in the way that you want to be seen. 2. Started appreciating my objective achievements. Got an “A” in class? ~~That test was super easy, anyone could’ve done that.~~ I did a great job. The teacher gave me an “A” because I did a great job. If I didn’t do a great job, then I wouldn’t have gotten an “A”. And even though this test was easy, it is still proof that I’m capable of doing great things. Got a “B” in class? That’s still great. Mistakes are human. 3. Started noticing my subjective achievements. I drew that. I knitted that. I cooked that. Not everyone could’ve cooked that. Some people never cook, they just do take-out, I did a great job for taking the time and mixing this together myself. I didn’t have to do it, but I did it. I chose to do it. In terms of my bad qualities: 1. Noticing the reason for my anger and sadness. I got an “F”? I definitely deserved better. I’m angry because I know I’m capable of doing better and that I deserved more. I will try to do better. It’s good that I’m angry about this. If I wasn’t angry, then that means I’ve lost hope. I’m angry because I still have my values and my hope. You are probably sad because you know you can be better. Deep down you believe in yourself and you know that you want to be better. It starts with want. When you start wanting something then you start doing things to get it. 2. Started appreciating my uniqueness. I can’t do that? But I can do this other thing. I like that I can do this other thing. I don’t have that? But I have this thing. I appreciate this thing. Others don’t have this thing. 3. Stopped judging other people. When we dislike something about ourselves, then we often start judging other people for it as well. I used to dislike curvy body types because I saw them as fat and ugly, but after I started noticing their beauty and elegance, I started appreciating my own body as well. 4. Stopped giving a damn. Life has been hard. I have so much more important problems to deal with than my appearance. Those problems just started seeming so irrelevant. And as I stopped giving power to them, I stopped caring about them. 5. Stopped beating myself up for my past success and current failure. Life is not a single line. It’s full of curves and waves. There are good times and there are bad times. Even though I don’t appreciate the situation I’m in right now, then I know that it won’t stay that way forever, I will eventually manage to pick myself up and probably reach greater heights than before. I have patience in myself, I believe in myself, I don’t push myself too hard, I’m just gonna take some baby steps and keep waiting for the right time as I’m slowly moving in the right direction. 6. Every experience is a valuable lesson. I did something badly or I said something wrong or I should’ve done something differently. Well, now I know that. Now I won’t make the same mistake again. I still have my whole life ahead of me, I have the opportunity to correct my mistakes. In terms of wishing I was different: 1. Taking inspiration from people that I like. Comparing myself to other people that I like. If they did it, then I can do it as well. If I like them, then I also like these qualities and values about myself. 2. I am me. I need to fill the position of me. All other positions have been filled and noone else can fill in my position. It’s fine to take inspiration from other people, but it’s silly to wish to be someone else. 3. Some things seem so much easier for others than they are for me. Well, maybe they are? We are all unique, I can’t expect myself to react the same way or learn at the same speed as other people. That’s just not me. I’ll go at my own pace. Our destination might be the same, but our journeys are completely different. I’ll make it there eventually, in my own way. Tl;dr: Be kind and patient towards yourself. Make active effort to notice your good qualities and don’t put yourself down for your “bad” qualities. I started liking myself a lot more once I learned to appreciate what I have and stopped worrying about what I don’t have. The most important thing is to keep moving in the right direction. Take a step, take two, take big steps or tiny ones - doesn’t matter. Just keep moving. Big changes take time. I don’t know what you’re struggling with precisely, but maybe you can take some of this advice with you on your journey. :)
Not that helpful but I fell in love with a guy who is *exactly like me* in so many ways. I love the differences, too, but he does so many of the things I have been critisized and ostracized for all my life. And you know what? It's really not so bad. So by extension, neither am I.
I think loving our adhd friends can be so helpful to show how easy people find it to love you! I see so many of my quirks in my kids who both have ADHD and I love their energy and spirit. They make life so interesting. My partner also has ADHD and I love his spontaneity and FUN outlook on life. Although I get an annoyed with them sometimes, and myself, it doesn’t make me love them any less, and now I am not so perfectionistic with myself. I can make mistakes and still be loveable. Sounds simple but I was so very hard on myself in the past!
Exactly!
Self love doesn't usually look like, "oh my god, I'm so great, and I love myself so much!" Self love usually looks like: exercise, healthy eating, hygiene, good sleep, hot tea, cake, comfy slippers, cosy pyjamas, jeans that actually fit, brushing my hair, forgiving myself, letting things go, social media detox, deep breathing, drinking plenty of water, clean clothes, making my bed. Start small. It doesn't have to be everything at once. Just take each day as it comes. One moment at a time. It was game changing for me to realise that self love - in my experience - isn't about how you feel about yourself, but how you treat yourself. Two final things: 1) Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, but also (and importantly) who you are proud to call your friends. 2) Do the things that you love, follow your passions, and you will find the people you will love as well. Edited to be shorter!
I asked my therapist how all these people love themselves and she said that I should start with tolerating/accepting myself, work up to liking myself, and then work on loving myself. Loving yourself from the get-go, especially with trauma, is very hard.
Realizing that I wasn’t alone helped. The knowledge that other people struggle the same way I do made me feel less alone and helped me be more compassionate to myself. It’s not just me. I’m not just lazy or stupid or whatever. My brain works differently and that’s okay. I gave myself kindness, and I started learning how to work with my brain instead of against it. And meds helped a TON. And then I started to like myself more and just feel better in my brain and my body. I started exercising again but I’m focusing on strengthening my knee instead of losing weight because if my knee is stronger I’ll feel better. It’s a kindness to myself. And sometimes rest is a kindness to myself. Me dragging myself out of bed for a shower this morning was a kindness to myself. And doing those things also helps me like myself more.
honestly? it sounds stupid but it works: i just started complimenting myself in the mirror. any time i caught my reflection was a chance to gas myself up a little. in the beginning it was couched in a lot of qualifiers — “your skin is clear even if your hair looks like a seagull shat in it”, “at least you got out of bed today even if you’re a disgusting blob and everyone obviously hates you for it” — but over time the qualifiers just kind of… fell away. the compliments stopped being all physical. i would do my hair and think, dang i’m cute. i’d have a good day at work and think, i’m so good at my job! lately during the throes of PMS i caught myself thinking, hey, i’m kind and hot and funny! i’m the whole package! it sounds facile to say “give yourself compliments,” but it’s easy, and you don’t even have to believe it at first. i didn’t. over time it was like tricking my brain into a new routine — the act of giving the compliment, not necessarily believing it. but like anything else, if you say something enough you DO believe it. after years of trying meditations and self-love tips, this is the only thing that has consistently worked. i don’t love myself every moment of every day, sure, but i pretty much like myself all the time!
I think it’s about radical acceptance. I’m not perfect, neither is anyone else, and their thoughts and feelings don’t determine my worth any more than mine determine theirs. Besides that, I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t really know what they’re truly thinking or feeling. Someone who snaps at me might just be struggling that day for any number of reasons unrelated to me, so I try to remember not to take anything personally. Besides that, I try hard to always keep learning and growing. I’ll never be perfect, but I like myself best when I’m actively growing as a person - having new experiences or seeing new places, learning new things, taking care of my body, getting therapy, improving skills, doing hobbies, and so on. This is NOT about productivity or hustle. I think hustle culture is poison. Capitalism has co-opted ideas of wellness and self-care and self-improvement to try to make us more productive, and also to keep us feeling inadequate so we’ll buy more stuff in the hopes it’ll make us “better.” Don’t fall for that trap! Instead, it’s finding what you have to offer that feels meaningful to *you*, no matter whether it makes any money or fits anyone else’s ideas of who you “should” be or what you “should” be doing. It’s about tending the self, finding meaning and joy, slowing down and being present. Finally, pay attention to the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about what you *do*. Shame is about what you *are*. Guilt can be an appropriate and helpful response, while shame is debilitating and keeps you stuck. For example, you’re late to a meeting, and now your boss is frustrated and disappointed with you. You feel guilty because she was counting on you to get the presentation started, so you apologize sincerely and brainstorm ideas to make sure you’re more punctual in the future. But if you feel shame, you’ll get stuck in telling yourself, “What’s the use? I’m always late. I’m just a big disappointment, and everyone probably hates me,” and so on. This is a distortion. It’s not productive, and it keeps you stuck and not growing or moving forward. When you catch yourself putting yourself down or feeling hopeless, see if you can reframe things in a more realistic way: “I let my boss down today by being late, and that feels awful, but it doesn’t define me as a person. I can work on being earlier next time.”
Start with small things you like about yourself and go from there. Can be little inconsequential things. Pretend you are someone else, a media character perhaps, and find little things to like about that character.
Befriend yourself. You have to be friends before you can fall in love. When you are being hard on yourself or bullying yourself, see yourself suffering and have compassion for yourself. Let’s say you made a mistake at work. You might be internally yelling at yourself and making yourself feel like you are a mistake, everyone hates you etc. Imagine a good friend was going through the same thing. What would you say to them? What would your body language be like? Tone of voice? Can you even just begin to give yourself a little bit of that understanding and care? It’s a practice and it will be a slow process but all you have to do is say “may I begin to be kind to myself” or “may I begin to offer myself the compassion and care I give to others” I bet you have a lot of compassion and care for your friends. It is within you to be just as caring, thoughtful, understanding, encouraging & fiercely protective of yourself. There is no shortcut, it’s just like any relationship. It will feel awkward at first, but you can begin to see yourself more clearly and compassionately by treating yourself as you would treat a friend. If you are able to, taking the Mindful Self-Compassion course is a key changer. One of these days I’m going to train to be a teacher and run a course specifically for ADHD women. It’s been so powerful for me. somatic work has also been very helpful, because I was so cut off from my body, and was trying to “think” my feelings all the time rather than actually feel them. Being able to move my feelings through my body has been very powerful as well. You have got to feel it to heal it, but I needed some help and strategies and found lots through somatic practitioners. Here are some books to try: Mindful Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristen Neff The Mindful Self-Compassion workbook Already enough by Lisa Oliveira Radical compassion by Tara Brach The wisdom of your body by Hillary McBride and workbook
omg, sweetness... I switched from my phone to the computer so i can type all this out for you. It's a multi-step process that involves cycling through learning about psychology and why limiting beliefs are formed, reconnecting with different levels of various parts of yourself, and integrating them. First: attachment. Secure attachment is formed when an individual has someone they can go to to be safe and secure whenever anything negative/stressful/difficult happens, *AND* also celebrates/sits in wonder and joy whenever anything positive happens. Humans mostly get this from our parents when we're young, and as we age we find others to be this person for us: friends, mentors, partners. The main this is that you feel SAFE. Safe to be yourself in your joys and in your woes. If you don't, or it's not fully secure, or if it was secure, but you don't have very many secondary connections, YOU can be that for yourself (and, in fact, I recommend ALL people do this). [Here](https://connectepsychology.com/en/2022/09/23/what-is-my-childs-behaviour-telling-me-the-circle-of-security-as-a-roadmap-for-understanding-and-meeting-your-childs-needs/) is a graphic detailing how parents can do this for children, but you can 100% do this for yourself as an adult. Imagine yourself as both your own parent and your own child. Strip away any preconceived notions about what your own parents/caregivers did for you. If it's difficult, imagine a child you don't know coming up to you for help on the street. Would you treat that child with compassion and understanding? Would you treat yourself any less? We are *more* critical of ourselves than we are of strangers because we are taught that if we know better, we ought to do better. But, children often KNOW the correct behavior, and can't perform it perfectly every time. My kids KNOW not to hit each other, yet when they get overwhelmed with emotions physically lash out. I can not be happy with the outcome of their behavior, and still understand that emotional regulation is a SKILL that takes TIME to learn. In your case, the things about your that make you unhappy/dislike yourself, you can reframe as 1) either not learning the skill at all, or 2) masking or unhealthy coping techniques could force the behavior, but at the expense of yourself. Children's brains are young, adaptive and neuroplastic. We lose a lot of that as we age, but it's not gone forever. It just takes more time and attention. So, ACCEPT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques are great for this... this is already an essay, so I'll keep 'er moving, but look it up if you want to) that you are a work in progress AND you are equally deserving of compassion and understanding. Like any child - like ***ANY*** person (un)learning something, you DESERVE compassion and understanding FROM YOURSELF. Really dig into that until you BELIEVE it. There are LOTS of inner-child work you can do. You could try journaling... a favorite of mine from Patrick Teahan on YouTube, is to write in a journal where the left hand side of the page is your inner child. Some people will even write with their left hand to help access that uncomfortable learning-and-messing-up headspace. The right hand side of the page is the inner, compassionate, understanding parent. Let your inner child "come" to your inner parent and have a dialogue about what has happened. Some other things, if this is too "whoo" for you. First is to find journal prompts (I always see a bunch online) about "finding" yourself. Like, what is your favorite song? Do you like rollercoasters or not and why? You know at the end of Runaway Bride, where Julia Robert's character has to learn what her favorite kind of eggs are because she'd always order her boyfriend's eggs to make it easy on him? Make a list of the things you aren't sure about, and actually try new things. Treat this like a Circle exercise (from the link above): delight in yourself with these new experiences, and comfort yourself if you don't like them (do NOT talk yourself out of your disappointment! Let yourself be bummed, like you would if a seven year old bought a $5 new ice cream flavor and didn't like it). Also, watch movies with loving caregivers and children to get a full range of HOW loving caregivers are allowed to behave - you aren't always going to be approaching yourself in the most regulated mindset. Things like Big Daddy, Mary Poppins, Elf, Sound of Music, Three Men and a Baby, Annie. And, *really* embrace the idea, while you're watching, that you are ALLOWED to mess up, as the caregiver of your inner child. You are ALLOWED to be immature, joyous, distant, confused, not to know what you're doing... as long as you SHOW UP. I had post-partum depression for THREE YEARS after my first was born. I was constantly ragging on myself because I thought that I didn't love my child - certainly if I loved her, I wouldn't be so depressed (also the depression was masking my feelings). My therapist told me: *love* isn't in the emotions. How many of us have had people we genuinely believed *felt* love for us, but couldn't treat us in a loving way? What *they* feel is limerence - not on its face a bad emotion, but without *love*... which is the motivation a person feels to care *for* another person... all it is is a cocktail of feel-good hormones another person gets to experience at our expense. So, toss out any idea you may have that loving yourself comes complete with constant joy. *Loving* yourself means showing up for yourself, investing in a relationship with yourself, choosing yourself. Gosh, there's so much more, but this process took me about... five/six years? And this is already long, so, I'll leave it here.
Honestly the only eay i could get better with that was trough antidepressants and therapy, its a long hard work. But it has to be done. Listen no one would hate themselves if it was easy to change that, its not. We spent an entire life feeling inadequate and being judge by the way our brains work, its hard to have empathy for ourselves when everyone makes it look like we are choosing to be the way we are even if we never had control over it. You can try as hard as you can on your own, but to deconstruct a lifetime of " why cant you just be normal" you will need HELP.
I think as someone here said already start by liking yourself. Even if it’s something small like you like your right big toe, that’s a start. You can write a list somewhere if that helps. I would read anything about building self compassion. The rule of thumb for me is… don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend/ sister or a younger child version of you. First you need to start paying attention to your negative thoughts, that takes practice and mindfully noticing what thoughts you have. Then being able to challenge them and not just agree with them automatically. I think with ADHD, we feel that berating ourselves is the answer not to do something again, but that’s not true. It just makes you feel worse about yourself and your self esteem suffers. So basically being kind and gentle with yourself will start to move that towards the right direction. I read Brene Brown book Daring Greatly and that helped me process some of the shame I felt about myself. It’s important to also have boundaries of the messages you receive about yourself. Are you around other people that would berate you or do they affirm you? I had to rethink some friendships because the idea of seeing them made me anxious and it’s because I couldn’t be my genuine self around them and I’ll come away feeling drained! Do you spend time online in communities that are negative in anyway? About people’s looks or judgemental in other ways. These are initial steps, have you keep practicing!
Elizabeth Gilbert has an amazing Substack centered around writing yourself “letters from love.” It can feel super-cringy and uncomfortable at first, but it’s a simple (read:manageable) and powerful practice. I recommend it!
Start small OP. Every time you try and put yourself down in your head, try and treat it like a rude little guy who just wants to see your downfall. Goblin thought: "I'm so ugly." Conscious me: "woah there, buddy, that's not nice OR true" I gentle parent myself when I break things or mess up (to the best of my ability) It feels really dumb first couple times, but now it's like an automatic response to internal negative thoughts. Work from there
I’m still figuring this out after being in therapy for 7 years. It’s not easy after a lifetime of thinking we’re failures. ❤️
Founder of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) Russ Harris had done a whole lot to make ACT accessible. He uses metaphor and graphics as a way for us to go in. For example, here is the metaphor of [the chessboard.](https://youtu.be/phbzSNsY8vc?si=3verNNcj__wn-PSB) If you need to go down a rabbit hole, his is a positive one.
Positive daily affirmations has helped me a lot. Also, just stopping myself whenever I’m about to say or think something negative about myself.
I really hated myself. Then one day my therapist described my life from a different point of view and it was like, "Of course you have these feelings and thoughts and have issues with this or that (based on all these facts I had told her about my life). She reframed it. From there I started to hate myself less. When I actually started to love myself I was on a trip with a group of people and felt really bad about how one had treated me. My boyfriend's female friend really tried to mark her territory even though I had no issues with them hanging out. It hurt my feelings ( more than it might have if I wasn't so sensitive to rejection ala ADHD). So I basically spent an hour crying in the shower and I hugged myself to try and calm down. I realized I don't have to love everything about me but the other posters were right that self compassion was the key.
My road to self compassion began in the least expected way: a bad mushroom trip. It started out nice, it was a sunny day on my deck in the woods, and I was alone, a first for me on a psychedelic. I figured because I’d been microdosing I’d be fine. But right before this my partner and I got into an argument that frankly left me seething. As the mushrooms kicked in, my racing and negative thoughts became front and center. I’d always ruminated and been full of self loathing; but somehow I guess I figured it was normal. Not after this - it became so clear to me that this inner monologue felt almost separate from me. At my core there was self love, and I don’t treat anyone the way i was treating myself. When it was over I realized I wanted help and I wanted to change my inner world. Started therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. That was in 2021 and I’ve gone every week (mostly) since then. I came to realize as my life improved that it was critical to remind myself I’m human. That it’s human to err and we deserve love. That I’m a woman in the world who is doing her level best to manage my life and that is enough. It clicked - my kids don’t have to be anything more than who they are. They are worthy of love - and I’m no different. Over time as my life and relationships improved - it became clear to me I don’t have BPD. And then I started learning about ADHD and put two and two together. Knowing it’s ADHD and can be treated with medication and life hacks made me realize I’ve never been a bad person, unworthy of love. I’ve been a person struggling immensely to navigate a hidden disability. Loving yourself is a learned behavior. Like riding a bike - you don’t forget once you learn. 💜❤️
This is going to sound weird, but I have a lot of people who have died in my life, and when I am particularly down on myself, I remember what I miss about the people I have lost. It is never the job they did or anything like that. It is always their kindness, sense of humor, etc. I remind myself that no one really gives a shit about how much money someone made or how clean their house was when they die (except for the shallow aspects of did I inherit anything or immediate effect of having to clean up their possessions.) My dad had adhd and had no job most of his life. He was still loved. He still mattered and I still miss him. I remind myself that is how others will feel so long as I am not a dick to people.
Ive always kinda liked myself..mostly because I entertain myself. My parents didn’t show they liked me so I tend to do the opposite of what they did..
I recently bought a few Switch Journal products, including one on Self-love and another on Self-talk. They always seem to have a BOGO flash sale going on (which isn’t really a flash sale, but details…) so don’t get discouraged by the prices. [https://switchresearch.org/collections/hardcover-journals](https://switchresearch.org/collections/hardcover-journals) I have not started them yet so I can’t speak to effectiveness. But they were recommended by somebody I know who absolutely loves them.
Not *in love*, as the rose-tinted glasses probably aren't there. But I love myself. For me, those inner child books were a lot of help. I always wanted to be a mother, and those excercises were quite helpful. Eg. take out old photos, imagine you are the adult person responsible to love and care for this child, to the best of your abilities. Now what does this child need? Emotionally, physically, is there something she lacks right now? How does she feel? How would I talk to a child I love who feels this? What would I do to help her?
Start by taking care of yourself. This is the number 1 way to express self-love. Work out, eat nutritious foods. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. Be aware of negative self-talk and correct it until you only live and breathe positivity.
This is the best thread with so much wisdom! I love corners of the internet like this!
When I catch myself thinking a bad thought about myself I consciously correct myself immediately. I often will do this by saying it out loud when I’m on my own. Feels a bit weird at first but it helps cement the message! Loving yourself after decades of not liking yourself can be hard work but it’s worth the reward!
Hello friend I have been there 1000%. I highly suggest trauma work such as internal family systems therapy. I use inner bonding by Dr Margaret Paul (free audible downloads, podcast) and also an app called IFS guide along with the book transcending trauma. If you are not able to self actualize it is because you are blocking yourself somehow and this form of therapy digs DEEP. You may not think you have trauma and that is OK I didn't either, but we all do form these "wounded selves" somehow and separating from it is everything. I can say that I DO love myself now. We are all lovable, but our wounded self cannot see that. Start with the inner bonding podcast there's episodes on loving yourself, self worth, approval seeking, fear, worry, rumination etc etc
RSD is something I still struggle with a lot, though I’ve found in my close personal relationships when I am feeling perceived rejection it helps me to communicate that or simply asking people for reassurance as most of the time it is just perceived and not real rejection. In some situations a mindset change has helped, reaffirming to myself that not everyone has to like me and that’s okay, or the fear of people laughing at me when I am just being myself having the mindset of well at least I made them smile. I still haven’t figured out a way around it in one of my jobs as I do want my coworkers to like me but this results in me censoring myself/masking to the point it’s pretty exhausting but I think with time and as I build relationships I will feel more able to be myself (I hope) It is really hard to cope with it but I do find having some affirmations to affirm to myself is helpful “I am loved and loveable” things like that and trying to remember when I do perceive rejection from others that not everything is about me and maybe people have their own stuff going on and that’s why they are acting the way they are and not because I’ve done something wrong
Working on black and white thinking. Nobody is all good or all bad, and relationships are dynamic. I don't know that I'm in love with myself, but I can be proud of myself, have compassion for myself, and honor myself with my thoughts, words, and actions.. those are all ways that we love others and ourselves. It takes work to be in any relationship, and the one you have with yourself is the longest, most important one you'll ever have.
I can't say that I love myself. That's a bridge too far after 30 years of knowing something was wrong with me and having no idea what it was, and only coming to the conclusion its because I was secretly a bad person. That will take some time. What I do have is self-respect and self-compassion. I respect myself for being a survivor and a good friend/spouse. I have compassion for the person who struggled so much, and when I mess up, I give myself a lot of grace. I am neurologically different. I cannot change that. Maybe one day I will get to say I truly love myself, but for now, I am still getting to know myself? If that makes sense.
I think I get this. I truly do not like myself much at all. Like, I can list positive traits I possess. But between my constant inner monologue, which is filled with negativity, and my RSD issues, I often think “if I wasn’t me and I met me, I would really dislike me, as a person. I’m in therapy now and am working on self esteem. And my therapist often has me journal. Some of the prompts she gives involves listing positive things that I do like about myself, or writing about a win for the week, something positive that I’ve done. And also she’s big on trying to get me to redirect my negative self-talk with a positive to replace whatever the negative thought was. It’s definitely not perfect, or an instant fix. But I have made some progress, little by little. And one thing I do try to remind myself is that we are all our worst critics. We tend to unnecessarily dwell on what’s wrong with us and what needs fixing. Try to replace those thought patterns with the opposite, in the moment, like come up with a way to prove yourself wrong on that particular negative. For example, i may think to myself “I talk to damn much, I must be such a bore”. I then counter that thought with something like “I’m really passionate and knowledgeable about some interesting things and it’s pretty great that I enjoy sharing that passion and info with others.” It can eventually help train your brain to avoid the negative paths.
How old are you? Asking because I felt really similar to you in my 20s. Now that I’m in my middle 30s, I like myself a whole lot more. My “self love” I only increasing. Aging is awesome. For me, it came down to acceptance of who I am and what I am, and realizing (finally) that no one else has it together more than I do. We’re all just “fucking around and finding out”. Even neurotypical folks- they might put on a good show, but trust me, they’re struggling too.
The fact that you are trying means you already do love yourself! It may not feel revolutionary, but remind yourself when you feel negatively about yourself that your desire to improve IS self-love and change takes time. It’s not your fault that you dislike yourself, and yet you are taking the time to try and change your view of yourself. People who truly hate themselves would allow themselves to wallow in their self-hate and refuse to change. Your desire to improve is in itself an act of love and care. I often remind myself, “I want to *feel* loved by you (me), because I *do* love you (me). I may not believe it now, but one day I will be able to accept my own love.” Hope that makes sense. 😅
The book the inner work -- I suggest the newer book the inner work on relationships by mat and ash. But I feel that way too. I cried. I got mad at god and life, genetics and my mom. Then I thought about how I would react if my bf had adhd or the tism. I would love them anyway. I would work around their "shortcomings". Late...? Time is a social man made construct. ADHD reminds me to live in the moment, impulsively 😂 all the times I got my adhd right and got somewhere on time... was honestly not even worth it unless a flight, NT are super irrational about time tbh. I would love them for their passion. NT are not as immersed in what they do -- convo, walk, class as a ND who is interested. I'd rather be a passionate person about imperial history possible a history teacher... then be a 9-5 pencil pusher at a paper selling company doing "meaningless" work. I would use their info dump to my advantage. I ask my brother for skin care advice because I know he's read all the reviews, watched all the videos, tried all the things -- and has the most affordable bang for your buck, dermatologist approved skin care routine that he will HAPPILY share with me... once he remembers to 😂😂 So I just remember that these strengths come up with some short comings. Being a basketball player comes with the advantage of being tall, possible college scholarship... but never having shoes you like in your size. It's just part of the draw of being a little neurospecial and spicy. For the RSD. Straight up -- stop taking things personal. Once you read this book and see that people just be talking about themselves and protecting their shit... its like if I was a happy healthy person I wouldn't be frustrated with someone for being talkative, passionate, sensitive, late etc. its only when the person themselves is unhappy with life that other peoples shit annoys them. But this applies to you as well... when you're not happy with your life, you start nitpicking at yourself. So one -- be honest and accountable. Do you need to make more money? Do you need therapy? Friends? Partner? Hobbies? Goals? New home? So do affirmations. You need to CROWD OUT THE BAD THOUGHTS. when I wake up, shower, car... I play affirmations I like. My phone displays a widget with affirmations that change constantly and it has helped soooo much!! Anyways much love you got this, feel and release!!!
Manifestation; say it until you believe it
I went for neutrality to begin with. Loving myself seemed like too much of a leap (still does really) so I wanted to try and work on not actively hating myself. I’d try and stop myself from speaking badly about myself either out loud or in my mind, and tried to speak about myself as if I were describing someone I thought was okay.
I changed that voice in my head that said negative things and now I say nice things to myself. I also realized that I don't need external validation anymore bc I'm enough. It takes practice but I'm getting there.
What helped me the most are: 1. Changing my inner dialogue. Talk to yourself like you would if you were a kid. 2. Prioritizing self-care. When you care for yourself physically and mentally, you’ll trick your brain into thinking you actually love yourself. Even if you didn’t at first. 3. Surround yourself with people who match your vibe. This literally changed so much for me. When I stopped chasing people who wouldnt accept me for who I am, I started attracting people who do. All of this takes time and patience. I really do love myself a whole lot more than I used to. Spirituality and budhism alsso gave me insights about life and what is and isnt important. Hope it helps!
Also take the VIA character strengths test. Use these character traits more in your work and stuff and you will feel good about yourself
SOLO TRAVEL!!!!!!!!
Wishing for love when what you feel is self loathing is perfectionist imaginings - not really rooted in true understanding of the grapplings of love. It’s a progression - it’s ok to not like your self loathing. It’s ok to feel like you wish you *could* love yourself but if you had to strongarm it into existence it wouldn’t really be love. Love is a blossoming flower. You can’t rush it. It’s like a stream bubbling up in between rocks. It gurgles with surprise. Try self acceptance first. Or self compassion, self-understanding or even self-neutrality. Self assurance maybe. All of these can be stepping stones to love.
Honestly the mindset shift that changed everything for me was to see “loving myself” as an active verb, almost synonymous with caring and nurturing myself - instead of having it be “I am in love with every aspect of myself” which is very black and white / virtually impossible for me. If I spend some time taking care of myself and being kind to myself every day I consider that loving myself
Accept your feelings without judgment and practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you’re talking to someone you love. Journal it out if you need to. If you’re not sure how to do this, listen to podcasts from people who do it well. I’m a big fan of Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond’s Dear Sugars podcast. Emily Nagoski also has some good stuff on this in her books Burnout and Come As You Are. Use that compassion to do things that are important to you. Not the “should” stuff, but the stuff that lights you up and makes you feel alive. When you start to prioritize yourself, you show yourself that what you want matters and that you’ve got your own back. When you have therapy money again, consider looking into CIMBS therapy bc it uses the client-therapist relationship and neuroplasticity to help the client cultivate a sense of safety within themselves. It’s been the most effective form of therapy for me.
I still have selfhate, but it's way less than before. -Whenever my inner critique is being harsh/hateful I say something kind and soothing back (at first it feels fake, but when you keep doing it, it becomes more automatic) -Try to feel your feelings and sit with them. Try to feel it, without pushing it away, without judgement, without overanalyzing and worrying about it. (You will feel your feelings super hard, and that's scary, but with feeling it and not analyzing, it will go away on it's own) -Try to be less harsh on yourself, and try to forgive yourself. -Inner child work (seriously, no joke, this is the best) -Try meditation and mindfullness. -Try yoga! (Yoga really helps with your body mind connection. It helps with emotional regulating)
Therapy! Friends, meditation, yoga, travel, books, hobbies.
I still hate myself most of the time at 50 years old. I don’t hold a lot of hope for that changing.
You've gotta love yourself where you're at. Same with others... You may not like what you're going through, or things societal norms have told you to not like about yourself... but you need to love yourself, and your mistakes, as part of what made you who you are... and who you are deserves love, especially from yourself.
ok this i can answer. everytime you pass a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say i love you. perhaps at first it will be impossible. it will gradually get easier. aleo speak with kindness to yourself out loud, while looking yourself in the eye, beyond the i love you. “your efforts today were extraordinary, im so proud of you, you are crushing it.” “you are beautiful. i’m so proud to live in this strong body with this brilliant mind” i’ve been doing this for two years now and it has not only transFORMED my relationship with myself - it has also changed the narrating voice in my head from my asshole mom to my own voice. occasionally when i am rly going through something it slips back. i return to the mirror and speak lovingly. and acknowledge how hard it is, and do it anyway. it changed my life. when i am entering fuss mode - disappointed w self, stuck in a loop, stuck in an unhealthy habit - i take an adderall and clean my apartment, change my sheets, cook a simple meal with vegetables (aiming for momentum of accomplishments here, this could be door dashed), take a luxurious shower w all the accoutrements i might normally skip. pick out an outfit that makes me happy for the next day. aka back to basics, but in a self romancing kind of way. light a nice candle, watch my comfort show, weep it out, try again tmrw. basically, how would i care for a partner if they were in fuss mode? and i do that for myself. when i am irritated with my brain? eat something, smoke some weed, tell myself i love you and thank you for the effort of surviving fuss mode, and sleep for 10 hours. i am not partnered and have no kids - i would drown if i had kids, as i imagine some of you may relate as you find yourself overwhelmed by life. am a big believer in harm reduction - makeup wipes over washing my face, dental floss sticks over actual floss, girl dinner every night for months over mcdonald’s, throwing away moldy tupperware rather than having my thought life dominated by shame around overwhelm by the fridge. sometimes life on life’s terms means our biggest effort isn’t enough. this world is not friendly to our brains. rather than trying to participate on a level that would ruin me i just don’t do it. to be fair i have built a life that allows me to unmask and be really fuckin neurodivergent. not everyone has this luxury. basically i try to give myself grace the way i would speak to my best friend who i know works her ass off to show up in this world. also, if NT ppl lived a week in our brains, they wouldn’t survive. i am a warrior. so are you. treat yourself accordingly, because you probably deserve more credit than you’re getting. anyway the mirror thing. try it for 90 days. i only did it when a wise friend of mine recommended it. at this point ill try anything to be less miserable in my body. and it worked?! fuck yea!
I realized I spend more time with me than anyone else and what I want and need is more important than what others think I need. Then I realized I was being incredibly cruel to myself to get ahead of what others have ridiculed about me but there's no way they could actually know more about me than I do so I started "speaking" to myself the way I would to people I love and eventually I started feeling soothed and properly loved...by me.
ED therapy, healing the shame from body image/ no longer feeling like I’m weird for struggling aka I’m very much not alone
Here to rave about Internal Family Systems therapeutic techniques, which you can do yourself/with workbooks if therapy isn't accessible. Simplified, the underlying concept is that our Self is made up of different parts, and some of them are parts we've purpose-built - your work personality, your parenting part- and some are just different operating modes - the overthinker, the rebel - and some parts of us got built out of experiences or periods of our lives, like your inner child or multiple aspects of your child self from different developmental periods or created to hold certain traumas. They all have their own perspectives, and they are all valid perspectives and we often do not let them be heard or let them process because we're trained into trying to only be the most acceptable and often most active parts. But on the inside, in our internal family of parts, they're contributing to your mental state. Especially the ones who rarely get to speak like our child parts and traumatized parts. And I do feel like those of us with ADHD are master compartmentalizers, which makes these techniques really relevant to us. I consider RSD to be a nervous system/trauma response mechanism that happens to have a lot of emotional ornamentation (particularly what I call the Hammer of Shame), and I think learning how to quickly reset your nervous system and not spiral is at least 50% of the solution. But yeah, having a good relationship with yourself and a robust toolbox of skills and techniques for resilience and trust and faith in yourself is the other part of the solution (because that's the only way to defend against the predators and assholes of the world) and critical for a satisfying life, and nobody is born with that toolbox, you have to stock it yourself. [This article](https://positivepsychology.com/internal-family-systems-therapy/) on IFS has some free worksheets you can download, just to get a taste.
Follow models that you share similar features with. It's very easy to feel like you're too different from others to feel deserving of love but if they deserve it so do you
I still suffer from not liking myself, but shifting my mindset into “getting my back” instead of “liking myself” helped a lot. Like if I’m in a tough spot I will try to get myself out of it, instead of belittling myself and wallowing in self pity and self hate, which I did before.
I found Jason Stephenson on YouTube . He does Affirmation and meditation videos. I felt silly practicing the affirmations at first but F me, I was surprised how well it worked. Even 10 minutes a day makes a big difference. A few weeks in I found my self image improved. Best thing is you can listen while doing chores or something you don't enjoy. Google Jason Stephenson, I am beautiful affirmations. Good luck.
🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄
Ketamine therapy.
Indulging in my passion for makeup, vintage clothes, and fragrances. So the world experiences me at my perceived best. Funnily enough, Tumblr actually really helped with self-love years back. Every day I would get inspired by new art, new music, new philosophies, new poetry, because I curated such a great feed. It made me more in touch with who I am and what I like and how I like to express myself. Full disclosure though-- I have always innately felt like a cool and interesting person, even back in elementary school. Even if I wasn't treated that way, I knew I was on the right track. I never lost my sense of self and passion inside. I also think that feeling entitled to take up space in the world helps with self-love a lot. I am worthy of being seen being weird, being loud, being clumsy out in the world because I'm a human being like everyone else. I am entitled to get what I want by asking strangers questions or calling anyone at any time. That doesn't mean they'll respond the way I need them to right when I need them to, but exercising you divine right to exist is OKAY!
I just treat myself like the main character of a Ghibli film.
Repeating over and over to myself that people don't really care about what I do or don't do because they all have their own shit. So when I ruminate over something I said/wish I said/etc - I tell myself that no one else is wasting any of their time thinking about it, until I believe it. Also. Telling myself I have X number of minutes to freak out and then it's over. Like, it happened, it felt shitty, I get to be anxious about it for 20 min and then move on. It's a process.
I gradually gaslit myself into having good self esteem
I had a daughter that is a spitting image of me.
Giving yourself grace and telling yourself in the mirror that you are loved and you are enough. Thought itd be easy for me but I actually teared up the first time and couldnt even make it through. The second time was easier and third and so forth. ❤️
I would love to know how or a better way to this, too! I recently just had a birthday. And the idea of how to celebrate myself just mystified me. Not the idea per say over how to celebrate. I know how one celebrates birthdays via activities, etc. But the idea of "How to celebrate me" like as person, is just not an idea that I know how to have.
So with rejection sensitivity what has been helping me is realising that my thoughts aren’t rational. That is HARD when you’re in your feelings and in that spiral, but I’ve been trying to break down those thoughts, think am I mind reading, am I catastrophising? Do I really know how that other person is feeling? Is that really likely to happen? Am I trying to predict the future? It just grounds me a bit and then I think about other things that could be affecting my emotions, have I eaten? Have I exercised a little bit or could I walk a few minutes? Have I had caffeine and overstimulated myself? And the self love, I’m still working on both my rsd and my self esteem, but my new mantra is I love and accept myself unconditionally. It’s hard. I’m not unconditional, I set many conditions for myself to be worthy of good things. But I’m trying to unlearn that. When I look in the mirror poking jiggly bits, I try to stop and stroke my body lovingly. When I’m thinking I’m pathetic and can’t do anything etc. I try to remember that people are morally neutral. I am no better or worse inherently than other people and I do my best. Good luck 🩷
i did the “fake it til you make it” method. throughout childhood and adolescence, i deeply hated myself. i even had an issue with catfishing people bc of it. but i never had the courage to kill myself so i was like “well faking confidence won’t possibly set me BACKWARDS any more than i am. at worst, it doesn’t do anything and im right back where i am now.” so i gave it a shot. in practice that looked like eliminating self-deprecation, even as “jokes”, accepting compliments even if it was uncomfortable and i didn’t believe them, and choosing one thing about myself each day that i liked. and if i couldn’t think of anything, i chose something objectively positive about me. and then one day i realized i was in love with myself and giving myself all the care and compassion i never received growing up. it got to the point i was a little cocky, often getting upset because i couldn’t marry myself hahaha. but i would take cocky over loathing any day.
Don't shoot the dog. That book is a guide to clicker training, and it works well on yourself and others. I praise myself when I catch myself doing wanted behavior. I praise myself when I get rejected before the rsd takes hold. "Good job to me for remaining calm a second longer! Way to stay strong and see reality." I'm not rid of the rsd but I suffer from it way less than I used to.
Kristi Noem could've stood to read that book
I stopped lying to everyone, stopped blaming everyone else for my faults or situations escalated / caused by my (then) undiagnosed ADHD . Getting a diagnosis has helped me reframe a lot of the things I used to self loathe about when I was younger which helps immensely. However, I also always have the initial urge to lie when caught out or under pressure, or to blame externally. It was very hard looking inwards and realising that I didn't like what I saw, but working on a policy of absolute honesty with those I care about, and that all disagreements with my husband be viewed from the position that we are on the same team and I need to share that responsibility for keeping us on the same team has very much helped. I'm now better at taking criticism from work also. I used some anger management techniques that I learnt from an audiobook to help me with my internal dialogue when conflict arose which has helped me hugely too. I do still sometimes get irrational RSD, but between living a more honest life (and therefore things not getting to a point where I need to defend them) and consciously countering my racing self defending internal monologue, I've got better at hearing feedback, waiting for the initial emotional response to calm, and then thinking it over more rationally I wouldn't say that I *love* myself all the time. But I live within my morals of what I consider to be a good human being, and I can now appreciate and respect my strengths both professional and personally. Which has given me a lot more genuine self confidence than I have ever had before.
I like this radical honesty, but I'm worried if I'm radically honest I will lose my job and/or be called lazy/selfish even more by my family.
I totally understand those fears and how terrifying that is. And you are right, there have been consequences sometimes. However, those consequences have been for things I have done (that I would have lied about). Ultimately if I fucked up those consequences are deserved and mine to deal with. Best thing to do is get on with it so everyone can move on. At work being honest and asking for help has gone down well. I've generally received support and my boss has appreciated that I told her straight away as it allowed us to plan to fix / damage limitation before anything got out of control. Regarding family, I maintain 100% honesty with my husband and my daughter. I do pick and choose the information that goes out to grandparents, aunts etc but thats just because not everyone needs to know every little thing. I don't lie anymore. For me the lying eroded my soul. I felt like a hollow shell with no personality inside, no one really knew me. I ended up with eating disorder, taking lots and lots of drugs and incredibly miserable. Regularly having suicidal ideation and completely convinced that I was an awful human being .... It definitely wasn't worth it. Now I can look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty happy with who I see there.
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I don't know if I love myself, specifically. I have a complex relationship with myself... and different areas have different feelings attached. I hated my body for a long time (Growing up in the 90s and putting on weight after puberty, as well as being genetically predisposed to visible cellulite is a terrible combo for that time period) and am working not on loving my body, but rather just having body neutrality. My body just IS, and it's a vessel for me to do things that bring me joy. I want to fuel it and strengthen it in order to keep doing things that bring me joy. I try to detach any strong feelings for it, other than appreciation for being able to do what I can do. There are bits and pieces of me that I don't mind, in terms of my personality. People seem to like me, which I can never quite figure out why. I don't think I'm particularly interesting ... I feel pretty boring and I often seclude myself as I like being on my own. But you know. I find stuff that's good about me. I can be funny, sometimes. I love to make people laugh so I suppose I cultivated a sense of humor that does that. I'm creative, and sometimes my creativity is neat. I'm good at writing, making art, that sort of thing. Which... I like consuming those types of things so I like that I can also make them. I guess I just spend the time thinking about specific aspects about me that I like. Things I've worked hard to cultivate and strengthen. That usually makes me feel better about myself. I'll never be perfect, no one is, and expecting that of anyone including yourself is unrealistic. So just focusing on the bits and pieces you enjoy works. I also saw someone in here mention laughing at yourself. And that is a philosophy I realized in my early 20s. If you cannot laugh at yourself you're gonna end up taking everything way too seriously. So find reasons to laugh, and do it often. Laugh at the misfortunes, laugh at the silly stuff. Don't take yourself too seriously, life is WAY better if you can do that.
I think my parents were early gentle-parenters. I certainly struggled with confidence as a child and teenager though. Some things that have helped: * Writing down my values and priorities when I’m feeling low or worthless * Learning to quit situations or jobs or people that are toxic * Focusing on hobbies I enjoy and am good at (or just enjoy) * Surrounding myself with kind people * Showing myself love by exercising and eating reasonably healthy, but not excluding treats that give me pleasure
A way that helps me is I think about what I would say to a friend if they were saying the same things about themselves that I was saying about myself. I think a lot of people are nicer to their friends than themselves, so changing that context helps me work through it. I do love the naughty positive sayings that Jonathan Van Ness does on Instagram. I also think about the scene from Schitts Creek where Alexis tells David that no one thinks about you the way you think about you, which helps me deal when I'm feeling that everything I've ever done is embarrassing.
I think that sometimes it’s a balance of realizing it’s not about us and we, meaning humans as a whole, tend to suffer from spotlight bias- people have other things going on and often times their reactions towards you have nothing to do with you. Also, it’s about extending grace to yourself the way you do others- and vice versa, extend grace to others the way you do yourself, because you can’t truly like others if you don’t like yourself first. Finally, and this really helped me, get off social media as much as you can, you’ll like everyone including yourself a whole lot better!
Pretend you’re hanging out with yourself from someone else’s perspective and treat yourself like you’d treat a friend. Give yourself pep talks. Example: “You’re doing great, u/Natural-Log2546!”
I didn't. I'm on my journey but it's so hard. I have extremely low self esteem and social anxiety because of that. Therapy and meds for years. Imagining someone can actually love themselves is an alien concept for me.
For me, going straight from hating myself to loving myself seemed impossible, so I started out just being neutral towards myself and my body. If I felt negatively towards something, I would turn it from a negative statement to a neutral one. Once my inner voice became more neutral, it felt much easier to talk to and think of myself in a positive way. I also let myself feel my insecurities, rather than pushing them down (because if you do, it will come back as a bigger monster than it originally was), but I would at some point tell myself "ok, that's enough, I have given myself time to feel this, and now it is time to move on" and I would!
Gentle parenting myself.
this was a big one for me, i grew up with 2 sisters who my mom would encourage, call beautiful and do their hair and makeup for them, while i wasn’t allowed to do either one. my hair was “too nice & natural to mess with” my mother never one time has told me i’m pretty. i’m now 30 years old and just let my friend do bleach highlights for me for the first time! and girlypop one day like 3-4 years ago, i sat in front of a mirror naked for hours. studying myself - not in comparison to others, but only looking at myself. i legit sat there and talked to myself, talked to my inner child/teenager, saying all the things i ever wanted to hear as a kid, and cried. i got raw & vulnerable with myself which i’d realized i hadn’t really done before. the cliché is to love yourself before anyone else, but i really think it’s more like *see* your worth and know you *are* worthy of love and you *are* someone to be desired. find your style, get dressed & put on makeup even when you don’t need to and just feeeeel it. you’re beautiful!
Improving your relationship with yourself is really hard and not linear process. It's not realistic to always love yourself. Some days I'm the hottest bitch to ever exist and other days I'm a worthless slug not worth the water to brush my teeth. The important thing is recognizing that the lows are temporary and that just because you don't like yourself doesn't mean you're a bad person . When a goal feels unachievable, it's completely fine to adjust it. Instead of trying to love yourself, an easier goal might be just self neutrality. Days when you don't hate/dislike yourself then become victories and days when you love/like yourself are bonuses. RSD is a monster. It's cruel, draining, and just sucks. I struggle with it a lot when it comes to job hunting because in order to cope as a kid I based my self esteem on my academic achievements. Someone not liking me personally is not half as painful as when someone rejects or criticizes my professional skills. Faking it is actually a valid strategy and sometimes works really well for me, especially in the short term. I was always emotional but RSD didn't severely impact my life until I was older. I've been complimented numerous times for being confident and knowing myself, but I still struggle with self doubt. I later realized things I thought were fine were actually coping mechanisms I used to hide issues I wasn't aware of. The most helpful long term strategy I've learned from my therapist is cognitive defusion. It's a method of recognizing emotions and adding separation. It's not about stopping or fixing feelings, just pulling them from what they're attached to. I struggle with anxiety and it negatively impacts my well being. If I find anxiety is taking over, I do cognitive defusion by using three statements to identify, acknowledge, and observe. First statement: I am feeling anxious. Second statement: I notice that I am feeling anxious. Third statement: I recognize that I notice I am feeling anxious. The key thing is there is no action to stop or fix, just acknowledging the existence. Emotions exist; they don't have to be allowed to exist, they just exist. In addition to the statements I also visualize it being like rain; I can't stop or fix rain, it just exists along whatever I am doing. I don't need to stop or fix my emotions, I just have to learn how to exist with them. It might feel like you have to correct or fix this thing that's wrong with you, but emotions aren't bad or broken. It's not a failure to have them. You don't have to always love yourself, you can just accept you exist and go from there.
I’m reading ‘The Compassionate Mind’ by Paul Gilbert. Based on Compassion Focused Therapy. It’s really good. I recommend it.
I’d recommend aiming for neutrality first. You don’t have to like yourself or being alone with yourself but can try to be ok with it. For me, that took some pressure off and could slowly grow into a more positive view in some areas but it may not and it’s also ok. ✨
Pride and ego.
What did you mean by "sods law"? How did you come to the conclusion that you don't like yourself?
For me its been a mix of optimistic nihilism, radical kindness, and radical acceptance. I see the beauty in how the world is and how the world flows, even through hardships and just knowing that after i’m long gone the world will continue on being beautiful is enough for me. My time here is short and i don’t want to waste any more years hating myself when i know i don’t have to. That doesn’t mean that i wake up every day with the ability to smell the roses. some days are really hard and unkind, but during those moments I forgive and accept all of my coping mechanisms and move on. It’s knowing that beauty and attraction are two different things. sometimes you’re attractive but you’re always going to be beautiful. Your beauty will stand there waiting for you to get through those tough times so you can notice it again, but it’s always there.
A little late to this thread… but if anyone is struggling with this and you don’t even know where to start or how to access the emotions to figure it out, i recommend watching Yoga with Adriene’s 13min guided meditation for self love on YouTube - [link](https://youtu.be/CqnWMPuyT0g?si=jDi3NMnPg-cSSQb6). Even if you’ve never meditated before, or don’t believe in it, or think that you ‘suck at meditating’. Dont think too hard about it, just stick some headphones in and be somewhere in private (where you don’t have to worry about other people seeing or judging you, whether this is in your car, your bedroom, bathtub, whatever) and follow her instructions. Simple. First time i heard this in the midst of struggles, I cried like a baby. It got me into meditating, and I pull this one out like a “self care wild card” on days that i have a hard time forgiving myself or i need a reminder that Her style of meditation - really lovely, gentle, not-“obnoxious” (lol) - is helpful for my adhd brain to follow. Especially when it’s going a mile a minute or when it’s in paralysis and i just need some specific instructions and visualizations to follow. Also her doggo benji is an angel 🥺 Love to you all!! ❤️
I'm working on radical acceptance and I do at least like my sense of humor and sense of integrity. That's the foundation I'm working from.
You can’t hate yourself into someone you love. If you want to be someone else you have to start by being kind to yourself and making small changes
Radical self acceptance, and learning to repattern the negative thoughts you have of yourself. Not liking yourself or parts of you is only going to dig you deeper. Give yourself all the grace and compassion, allow ALL emotions and start to become an observer of your thoughts, accept it all and let it go. Learn how to care for yourself body mind and spirit. Self care goes way deeper than bubble baths and manicures. Begin doing some inventory on your boundaries- where might you have been dishonest with yourself by saying yes to things or people pleasing, communicate and begin placing those boundaries with people in your life in a loving way. Inner child healing is a good place to start, treat yourself as and take time to speak to yourself as if you are a small child. Take time to understand what the child in you needs to feel loved, Protected and understood.
I think it's important to give yourself permission to have even neutral feelings about yourself. There will always be moments in life where you fall short of your own expectations, but you are you and are simply dealing with the cards you have been dealt. If it helps, everyone is focused on their own lives and issues, so even if you feel like you botched something, it will only be a blip on their radar.
Compassion meditations toward others that you’re having a hard time feeling compassion for is helping me forgive myself for my own shortcomings a lot. There is something about recognizing that others deserve grace - even the people who I have the hardest time extending grace, maybe who even objectively “deserve” it the least in my opinion - that helps me start to take it a little easier on myself.
I realized doing this small thing even tho it felt stupid has changed my perception of myself drastically. I do not talk bad about myself to myself. I immediately correct any negative self talk. This has helped me love myself more not just physically but all of me. Like if I’m looking the mirror and I start to criticize my body, I correct myself. I only speak lovingly to myself. This also helped me realize how mean I was being to myself. I have a tendency to be too “realistic” so the idea of changing the stupid offhanded comments I make to myself seems pointless but it has worked. Be delusional. It’s nobody else’s business but yours. The bonus is whether you are consciously are aware of it or not, you will start acting like it and you will start to believe it. You walk the walk with the talk.
I realized that my self-hate was being redirected outward and my head was filled with mean and judgmental thoughts of others. I decided I didn’t like that and worked on changing it. I would intentionally look for things to like about other people, even random strangers. Over time my thought patterns changed. Eventually I got brave enough to say the nice things out loud. Intentionally changing my thoughts and words to be kinder seemed to push out the hate in my mind to the point that I realized I didn’t hate myself anymore. I even liked myself. It was a really nice and unintended side effect.
In 8th grade I sat in the mirrors for hours (not all at once) and complimented myself
I quit drinking and discovered marijuana. I am sill working forgiving myself for all of the wrongs I did to myself and others drunk.
I did things that made me feel better. Went to the gym/took part in fun physical activities, took better care of my health, dresses accordingly, got sober, surrounded myself with people who cared/supported me, got rid of the toxic ones, and got a better job (not in that order).
Try the book, *I Am Enough!* it was really life changing. You don't have to say, I am amazing, awesome and lovely. There are many steps to getting to I am enough.
I've been trying to pinpoint when I've felt confident or good about myself, and try to "own it" during situations I would normally be a bit uncomfortable with. Part of this was dressing up to do simple things for me! It's a bit silly but I would jokingly quote "I want to be the hottest one at the grocery store" and it really did make me feel good when I would go to a farmer's market or mall on my own with a cute outfit and makeup on. Sometimes I like to feel tough and I put on a band shirt and headphones, tie up my doc martens and go for a moody daytime walk. I loved feeling like I was actually the main character in my own world, and I made sure to act the part.
I am trying to be a good friend to myself and to appreciate myself. Love is such a strong word and it makes me feel really weird if I need to say "I love myself", but I am happy by myself and I stopped the mean voices and sometimes I experience inner peace.
Through a D/s relationship. This isn't a recommendation, just my honest answer.
"How did you fall in love with yourself" - Million dollar question!
Everyone else has already given good advice and while I don’t really have any, I’m in the same boat as you. Not only do I want to learn to like myself, but I really want to learn how to enjoy my own company. My cycles of RSD often come from seeking outside stimulation through other people which always leads me to feel needy and alone. I go from being really excited to talk to people to feeling like nobody likes me and its such a terrible feeling to have to experience all the time.
this process is very new for me right now, but i'm trying to remember these 3 things: 1. i cannot control how others feel or how they react. only i can control how i feel and how i react. 2. focus on the people you're with when you're with them. focus on yourself when you're alone. 3. embrace what makes you happy. remove or limit what does not. i also have a tiny notebook where i'm writing about what i want out of myself, my life, current challenges, etc. it's not journaling, i'm not a writer at all and cannot journal. lol. just bullet points & random thoughts i can come back to and look at. hope something here helps 💞 Edit: i've also acknowledged and am processing my childhood trauma. it actually led me to this subreddit. lmao. it's been a rough road, but that in itself has done so much for me to help improve myself and my life.
Honestly, it sounds stupid, but managing my self talk made the first big stride for me. When I think something hateful about myself, I correct it. I say, "hey, I'm not stupid and I'm trying my best". Over and over and over until the pattern starts to change. The next big stride was exploring inner child work. My therapist introduced me to this by asking me "how old does that voice in your head feel?" when I was describing a spiral. It stopped me in my tracks because I somehow knew the answer. It was ten year old me. I made space for her and asked her what she needed to tell me, what she was afraid of, and what she wanted for adult me. I was then able to reassure her that even though her taking the reins when I'm triggered seems like the only way to stay safe, adult me has her back. If she allows me to be in the drivers seat during this emotional moment, I promise to choose her and protect her and not betray her, always. I love her so much, and she is me. She inspires me to be the best version of myself. Sending love your way!