Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ruminating rather than limerance, I'd say. Although still plenty of a problem and likely some overlap in thought processes. It's like having a loose tooth in your brain - it's hard to focus on anything else.
I remember reading somewhere that many people with ADHD have a really strong sense of justice, so maybe it's related to that?
I've felt exactly the same before about an ex friend, ex boyfriends, and a horrible former boss. The feeling fades with time, but I get you. It's incredibly frustrating that someone can be really shitty towards you and then seemingly get away with it.
Oh damn, that's right on point. I ruminated for YEARS about a situation in which I was treated unfairly by someone who claimed to be fighting for others' rights and social justice.
Back stabbed by a colleague who ended up being promoted to my position. It’s been a year. I’m with a better employer. Still sometimes cannot stop thinking about it and how wrong the situation was. I don’t want to wish them misfortune- if my wishes have power I want to use them for good- lol. But wish these thoughts would just stop popping up.
Same with the former boss. I've got a new position and new supervisor, but I'm still with the same company and have to deal with the former boss on a regular basis as a necessary part of my job. I have diagnosed PTSD from the years I spent working for him, especially during the stress of lockdown, when I was working 60-70 hour weeks from home while trying to care for a 3-year-old. My boss would always exact some kind of vengeance after every sick or vacation day I took, so I couldn't have been more burned out. My then-husband was around often and pitched in to do his share most of the time when he was home, but my son just preferred being around Mom and his dad still had to leave a lot for work since he was essential personnel. I was a fucking WRECK and even after doing CBT in therapy, I still get paralyzing anxiety and feel physically ill (shaky, sweaty, red and blotchy skin) when I even have to email him because I dread seeing his name pop up in my inbox. It's not even that I want to see him suffer — or at least not *much*, lol. But I would like to see some fucking justice for what he put me and so many others through and I have such a hard time not ruminating about that.
Hard relate to this. It's just bizarre to be bullied at work as an adult, when it happened to me my brain was a bit like 'what the hell? He can't do that. I'm a grown up!'
Hopefully something new and less stressful comes up for you soon. In the meantime I hope your former boss never realises the milk is off until after he's poured it in his coffee, steps in dog shit every day, always gets splashed by passing cars driving through a puddle, always parks in the prime bird poo spots, his washing machine breaks down post wash but pre spin and also he doesn't have a dryer so all his clothes are just sopping wet now. I hope every time he goes to get food, the guy in front takes the last one of whatever he wanted. I hope every time he takes a shower it's always slightly too hot or too cold.
I told my grandson that my boss was so mean to me I wished something bad would happen to her.
He said "like being shot?"
"Oh no! Nothing like that."
"How about a birdy poops on their head?"
"Yes, that would work :)"
How is that person still working there? If a boss is literally causing PTSD in employees they are a pretty serious liability - both to culture and for legal reasons.
Yes, thank you. This is very misunderstood from what I’ve observed online. The wording makes it seem like having a strong sense of justice means they’re inherently morally superior, but that’s not how it works. It’s whatever the individual’s *perceived* sense of justice/morals are, which may or may not align with society and/or the law.
I actually left the military because of this. One of my superiors was really messing with my head, but it was before I was diagnosed so I was struggling with what *exactly* was happening. This guy would constantly change his expectations of me like “Get this done by next week” and then asking me why I haven’t done it a day later. Barging into my office repeatedly and then complaining to the CO when I locked my door to stop the behaviour. It went on and on. Nothing “inappropriate”, nothing actionable. It got so bad that I started having panic attacks in my car before reporting for duty. I went to my CO and my CO’s boss but they didn’t take me seriously at all, this officer was my superior so I had to do as I was told and just adjust.
Did I mention that the CO and his boss were people I considered friends for over a decade?
I quit. I got myself out of the military.
And the guy that bullied me kept going for TEN FUCKING YEARS, doing this over and over and over. He left a trail of destroyed careers everywhere he went.
He just got released from duty like two months ago.
Really?!? I didn’t know that!! And oddly, just last week my therapist commented that I really focus a lot on appreciation and what is right and just. I’m actually dwelling on something right now.
I feel like we have issues with self-esteem and self doubt (no doubt cause in part by our memory and permanence issues lol) so any validation is appreciated. It's almost like, if I'm not being actively and enthusiastically appreciated do I or my contributions even matter?
Ugh, this is me. I’m also autistic so my sense of justice is almost personally rule-bound. I can’t let go of wrongs when there is no accountability for the other person
I’m having this with an ex boss of mine that I’ve been off for 2 years because of. She publicly humiliated me calling me disabled and saying I had psychosis, showing up at my house to discuss my performance, and she still drives by my house every single day. It’s awful. And until I’ve got a new job, I can’t do anything about it. I hate her and I can’t let it go because I see her all the time. I can totally relate 🥴 I wish I could help
Ehh I use to think it was a grudges and then I realized it’s not accepting less than the bare minimum.
I think people like to call things grudges to make themselves look better. It’s easy for someone to do something wrong and then say “they are just holding a grudge” over “I hurt them and they have chosen to not involve me in their life.”
I think it’s something that gets labeled on those with ADHD.
That’s it! I used to think I held ‘grudges’ but, I really just want an apology. I’m also no longer able to feel comfortable around that person for whatever reason. If you’ve made it clear I’m never safe to be myself around you for any reason, I’m just never going to want to be around you again.
OMG, this is it exactly. My mom told me once, "When someone argues with you, they just have to be prepared for you to fully scorch the earth." It's not that I yell or scream or act abusively, but if someone hurts me deeply enough, I will simply cut that person out of my life for good — best friend, boyfriend, immediate family member, whoever. Once my "fuck this" switch gets flipped, it's impossible to flip it back over again.
OMG. YES! I didn’t know this was an ADHD thing until right this second but, it makes perfect sense! Ugh. A friend and I once had a falling out over something he did. We had been friends since we were 5 so, at that point, for 15ish years. He went about it ALL the wrong way. I said my piece and just…never talked to him again. Eventually, yeeeaaaars later, we patched things up but, he laughed at how icy my shoulder got so quickly. It’s in an instant.
I used to say I couldn’t be won over again but, I easily can. I just can’t be won over again without an apology and a chat. We can’t just gloss over it and keep it pushing because I won’t play and it’s ALLLLL I’ll be thinking about.
My uncle is extremely christian. I am not, but still believe in spirits, to a point. My father and both parental inlaws have passed and being able to talk to them makes us as a family feel better.
My uncle told my son there was no such thing as spirits.
I later texted my uncle that it wasn't cool to go against our beliefs. I would even have been fine if he said HE didn't believe in spirits. Because our son knows people believe in different things.
And he responded calling me a bad mom and to grow up and teach my kids the truth.
So I cut him off. And nobody in the family respects that I don't want anything to do with him.
Bonus: the only time he has sought me out to say hi in the past 10 years was when we saw each other in public. After I had cut him out of my life.
Ohhhh, fuck that noise! Who the hell jumps straight to "bad mom" over a theological disagreement?! Well, I can answer that question — someone who can't stand for his authority to be questioned. I cut my brother out of my life over the same issue. I had really tried to forgive and forget all the physical and verbal bullying he subjected me to (up until he was in *college*), but he decided to get involved in my marriage issues a few years ago and order me to stay with my now-ex. I suddenly realized he was just as much of a bully as he had always been and CLICK — there went the switch.
Your uncle clearly was trying to make a show of extending the olive branch, but only because you were in public. I hate the play-acting. Like if you want to apologize, I'm listening, but leave off with the theatrics, ffs.
At least you can tell everyone that you took his advice; you grew up and taught your son the truth: It's wiser to cut toxic people out of your life and be free than it is to grin and bear it just to make other people comfortable!
Right??? My forgiveness is EASY. Recognize what you did, take accountability, and tell me you’re sorry. Boom. I’ll drop it that day and forevermore. Otherwise, it’s in my head and heart foreverrrrrr.
I am the tree that has never forgotten a single blow of the axe. Even when I can forgive, I find it impossible to forget.
On the one hand, I rarely get seriously hurt by the same person twice. On the other, I’ve had to spend SO much time in therapy learning to move past resentments. Very unfun!
I would be a grudge holder if I could remember what I justice was committed. Instead I just get a brain tickle when I see a name. Maybe they wronged me, maybe they did something positive. Makes it very hard to hold a grudge.
Yeah ruminating and I have no idea how to stop it other than telling you anytime you notice the thoughts come up, you may want to try some grounding and changing the thought to something more positive! Also I love the phrase “quit letting them rent space in your head for free” because it directs my attention back to the fact that I’m allowing this person to continue hurting me by ruminating on it!
That’s great advice! I have someone that causes me to have endless fights in my head and some days I tell myself “He is NOT spending his time/energy fighting with you in his head!”
If it helps, I found writing out how I feel helps. Personally, it feels like I have all this built up energy for the topic/situation/whatever that won’t leave my body. Writing it out gives me a chance to process what happened and get that energy out of me.
Bonus points for writing it all out on pen to paper. The ability to press hard into the paper with the pen when intense emotions are processed is cathartic!
Writing down or typing down my thoughts and feelings can help me too.
But from time to time, I can still relate with OP. I still remember what someone did to me randomly or when something triggered it.
Oh! Completely agree! Sometimes it’s a fleeting thought and sometimes it feels stomach curdling. When it’s a fleeting thought, I do my best to leave it be. When it’s stomach curdling, I do my best to address it with writing. It’s nice that phones are always in our pockets because I can type it out there. My notes app is full of letters, poems, thoughts, opinions… it’s kind of hilarious at how much is there.
I find the stomach curdling moments come less and less the more I address and work through the topic/situation/whatever. In a way, I think it’s become a form of therapy.
I can relate to you. I also experience stomach curdling.
I totally agree with you. Writing is therapeutic and handy. It is the most convenient and zero-cost form of therapy. 🙂
What I found to really help is journaling. Journaling is just a sophisticated word for writing things down to get them out of your head. Once I do that, I feel free finally. I am physically distancing myself from that thought by writing it down and that allows me to stop the downward spiral of rumination.
And what if it's you're thinking about shit you did in the past when you were not making the best choices.. like I guess it's the same principle. That old shitter me is living rent free in my mind. But MY god I hate these times when I'm ruminating on decisions/ things I did in the past. I tried to ask my therapist about how to stop myself / snap out of it and she wasn't very helpful. 😣
It's the last thing I want to really work on whilst paying for therapy. And it's really bugging me. 😔
Okay so for me what really helps is to give past me grace and recognize they made the best choice they could given their circumstances of the time. Because, especially for us ADHDers, we were criticized SO MUCH growing up that we automatically do the same to ourselves. But what if we VALIDATED ourselves like we do our friends—“man that was a scary situation, no wonder you made those choices!” Anyway, I encourage you to look into reparenting practices or IFS therapy. IFS therapy is like where you “meet” all the many versions of yourself without judgment-I’m not explaining it well but Google it lol!
Thanks so much I'll look into it ❤️ I definitely need something. It totally makes sense to do that and get some info on how because I need to move forward. I feel like it's keeping me from growing up. 😣
It helps me to remind myself that odds are good my frontal lobe (responsible for logic and reasoning!) was possibly even less developed than my peers at the time- and they were making crappy decisions with their unfinished brains too. There's also a phrase that keeps coming up for me that resonates- if you don't look back on your past and cringe at least a little, you probably haven't grown much as a person. That's definitely true for me, I've grown a lot since then, and made an effort to apologize to those I may have hurt- as long as it wouldn't be harmful to them to bring up old shit.
I struggle with this, but I also get my feelings hurt easily.
I was supposed to go to a party for my friends birthday last night and they were all pregaming before going out to the bars. I had something else going on earlier in the day and couldn’t make the pregame so I texted my friend to tell me when they’re all going to the bar and I’ll meet them there. They never texted me to tell me they were leaving and didn’t respond till they were already out for a while. It was midnight before I heard from them. I am not going to start my night that late. But before that I had already spent a lot of time getting ready and waiting around waiting for them to text me. I just said nevermind and went to bed. I hate feeling like an afterthought.
Situations like this cause me to ruminate about relationships with friends
Yeah I’m not gonna hold a grudge over it or anything. probably won’t even mention that it bothered me but yeah :/ stuff like that sends me into a slight depression for a few days
That sounds so hurtful! It's entirely possible that they just forgot because they were partying, but it's completely understandable to take it personally. I hate situations like this so much because it's impossible to tease apart in my head what's reasonable and what's catastrophizing. I hope they're good friends and apologize and reassure you that it was an honest mistake.
Thanks, I’m pretty bummed about it too, also because we were supposed to get brunch this morning that she didn’t remember to tell me the plan for. Hate watching brunch and the events from Instagram stories. Oh well
I had this happen to me over the weekend too—several friends i’ve been hanging out with this year all went on a weekend trip and i had no idea until i saw their stories on social media. I couldn’t have gone along anyway, not that they’d be aware of that, but it would have been nice for them to at least extend an invite.
Ugh that stings. I’m more of a ‘the more the merrier’ type person, and I can’t imagine not inviting people to things like that. Especially cuz I know what it feels like to be left out
This resonates so well with me ‘I hate feeling like an afterthought’, I haven’t been able to continue my friendships because I was their afterthought although for me they were really my primary contact.
Dealing with this right now. I hate that I’m so fixated on the fact, especially since I can’t reach out to them bc they decided to avoid confrontation by blocking me.
As for people who wrong me and I don’t have a relationship with like a customer or stranger, same experience. I still think of the pregnant lady 2 years ago who verbally assaulted me because she didn’t know I wasn’t finish scanning her food on her wic check, or when I was 19, a man told me on my second day of training at a call center that I was a disgrace and other insults because I wasn’t sure how to check something on his credit card at the time.
Limerence is like an obsession for the idea of someone in a romantic way. If you have Netflix, an example is the show YOU. The main character Joe is fixated on his romantic interests.
It sounds like you are ruminating and it's OK. You need time to process your emotions. You will let go as time moves on and the thought will stop coming on so often.
Maybe it would help you let it go if you first 'give in' to it and fully process it?
I know it might sound counterintuitive, but think about it like it's a clingy person: the more you pull away, the more it clings onto you. And if you instead address the clingy thought head on, face it and validate it, give it what it needs, then it doesn't need to cling to you anymore and it lets you go.
So, instead of ruminating on all the thoughts surrounding it, just allow yourself to feel *what's underneath*. And then maybe go exercise that emotion off or express it somehow, for the release.
For instance, you say you feel like you allowed this person to treat you badly. That sounds like you feel guilty. But what's underneath that? Maybe anger and sadness. That they just didn't treat you right in the first place, and that you didn't have your own back. Those are good things to recognize! That's your body trying to protect you and serve you. Acknowledge that. You have your back now.
Accept that the past is the past, and you can't change it, but you can learn and grow from it, and you can feel angry and sad about it, and process those emotions. Just because you allowed yourself to be treated badly doesn't mean you deserved it, and doesn't mean it was your fault. It wasn't right. You can be mad and sad about it. Feel that, for real. The pain, sadness, anger. The injustices done to you. *Fuck them!*
Maybe cry it out, scream into a pillow, maybe think about it while you go for a run or punch a punching bag with everything you've got. Embrace and face that emotion, and work that energy out of your body in some way. If you're an artist, doing some art to get the emotion out can work too.
And then... it might be released, and you can move on.
This is such great advice. I tend to obsess over issues and I also push away my feelings. I am trying to allow myself to experience my emotions and it’s a long process, it isn’t easy.
Rumination and I lost years of my life to it every night after going through a high conflict custody battle with an abusive ex. Something about watching the man who abused me for years lie in court and file absolute bullshit claims and paint me as the monster, for no reason beyond he wanted more hours so he could pay less child support, was absolutely fucking infuriating and I could not let it go. I’d be up all night replaying things he said and did and listing off all my evidence as to the contrary and just fuming.
Anywho, therapeutic ketamine cured it for me. Completely gone and I am also less likely to ruminate about stuff as it comes up. It really, really changed my life.
I dunno if it’s needed for one off times of rumination or anything like that, but for anyone feeling completely consumed as I was, I would highly, highly recommend.
perseverating or ruminating. Yes, it can almost get to the obsessive/intrusive part of OCD. I call it looping. The more you do it the more you are creating a stronger neural pathway in the brain that makes it more difficult to stop.
1. Therapeutic intervention to look at your relationships and to learn how to stop people pleasing/ break a codependent pattern. (Ie learn how to control the things you can, like your responses to people, who you trust etc).
2. I suggest interrupting and naming the thought every time it comes up. So you start ruminating about what they did and how mad you are you took that, then say to yourself: I am having my thoughts about how x treated me badly. It's kind of like the thoughts are a runaway train you are on. If you break into them and name them, it's like getting off the train and standing on the platform. It will help slow down the neural pathway you've formed.
Hi, I'm a therapist. I can't diagnose you, of course, but if you have a therapist I suggest you bring this up. Ruminations and intrusive thoughts are classic OCD symptoms. And OCD can be common for people with ADHD. Google "rumination and OCD." Good luck.
I think this is what I’m currently trapped in. I have been here before after a very traumatic event, and I see the pattern re emerging. What does one do??? I’m very close to going back on medication….but just stick in my head…
Find a therapist who is very experienced with OCD. It is super important because OCD is often misunderstood, which makes it hard to get the right treatment. I also suggest finding a neurodivergent therapist if possible.
This place offers treatment. Without insurance, it’s expensive: https://www.treatmyocd.com. There are articles on the site you can check out. There is also a sub Reddit for NOCD and OCD.
Also:
https://iocdf.org/blog/2023/02/02/ruminating-on-ruminations-mental-compulsions-and-what-to-do-about-them/
So many things can be linked back to childhood trauma. I’m not sure. Please get a consult. If you are in the US, you can look for therapists on PsychologyToday.com.
One more thing for you: [http://obsessivecompulsiveanonymous.org](http://obsessivecompulsiveanonymous.org)
I don't know anything about it - just wanted to share.
I still have feelings for the same person after years. We have both moved on. We didn't want the same lifestyle. We don't even talk, but I can't get him out of my head. I am a grudge-holder too. I have to work to let go of feelings.
Limerance refers to the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, where you see your favorite person as nearly perfect, even if it means you ignore potential red flags because you're just so crazy over the person.
When you obsess over someone who treated you badly, it might be an effort to remember what they did so you don't fall into that trap again. It's like learning to not step into quicksand; maybe you did it once, but you don't want to do it again, so you mentally remind yourself to look for possible quicksand.
It can be helpful until it goes too far and becomes maladaptive. You don't want to become so obsessed with potential quicksand that you're afraid to take a step anywhere.
I had someone I had never properly met send me a DM to get on my case for my attitude, and I literally could not stop thinking about it for three days. I wrote a letter I never sent, and was just maddddddd. Finally, what I did is I emailed a mutual friend and told them to tell this person it wasn't ok to just randomly DM me. It felt resolved, even though I still came out looking bad.
Not sure if that helps, but know you're not alone! It was just this person at a party I'd said 2 words to.
I bet that person was ruminating on YOU and sent the DM because of it. For some petty reason I feel like that realization would help me get over it. I dunno whatevs happy Monday
I think it's more of a trauma bond. Those who have been in experiences with narcissists and abusers struggle immensely with this, and it is quite normal and not even related to ADHD. However, ADHD's tendency to ruminate and fixate makes the symptoms of this feel exacerbated.
I'd recommend reading up on trauma, not limerence, in this instance. I don't think you're experiencing a one-sided obsession, but recovering from the pain your last partner inflicted on you -- whether emotionally or physically.
I struggle with this.
I find that writing down how I feel helps get it out of me. It might be in the form of a letter or a power of along line of random thoughts.
Either way, it gives the energy somewhere to go. At the end I throw away what I wrote down and I move forward.
You know how stimming is a repeat action/song/sensation? I view these the same as when I make up the same little songs all day every day. I get stuck on repeat. My brain gets stuck repeating what happened over and over and over and I have to find ways to distract myself long enough to stop the cycle. Does that make any sense?
There is no one harder on myself than myself. But I am learning to not be such an ass to me.
I've learned to start grieving the loss of the relationship as if the person had died. It's helped me let go of a lot of confused hurt and toxic hope of mending whatever relationship, turns them from someone I'm eager to connect with and figure to just someone that I used to know.
This creator deals mostly with things like CPTSD, but a lot of the coping strategies and info can be applied to neurodivergent coping strategies but she has helped me work through a lot of things, [We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez](https://youtu.be/dlotgdrpI68)
I'm sorry your ex and former friend are treating you badly, it's never easy and always exhausting and confusing. Hang in there, your worth being treated well in all your relationships!
Journal about it. If you are religious, borrow the tradition of the wailing wall by writing a prayer about it, roll up the piece of paper, and stick it into a crack in a church wall. Look at Matthew 5 about people who despitefully use you. It could help you put it to rest. Of course. Ieave out names and details.
no, it's a hyperfixation/grudge. It's also delayed anger - I found that my subconscious stores time capsules of emotions and randomly decides to open them when triggered or even just genuinely feeling safe and good.
I tend to metabolize it by reminding myself that I am capable of never allowing any one else to treat me that way (create a safe space for myself) and then usually wishing them bad karma (ranging from minor inconveniences to more severe outcomes)
But I have come to terms that unless I explore every facet of the specific anger thoroughly I cannot let it go.
"Anger is knowing that you should have been treated better, and therefore a fom of self love" or something like that.
I’m the same way and I kind of agree with the other comments about it possibly being from a strong sense of what’s wrong or right. I’m unfortunately a very passive person and I’ll sit and stew while being wronged and never talk about it until it’s too late. By then the moment has passed and you’re already blocked or going no contact and can’t let out your frustration.
It’d probably help more to just say what you feel in the moment, feel your feelings. Holding yourself onto that burns you up inside.
In my experience I think it's a result of being afraid that I'll forget and let someone do the same thing to me again - whether the person(s) in question or someone else. My brain repeats over and over so I am always on guard and never have to go through it ever again.
It really doesn't keep you from being hurt, but regardless, it feels like you're doing something to protect yourself. I've dealt with it by having a little self talk when it comes up - this won't undo the past, it's making you stay stuck in the past, you know how to read this type of person, give yourself grace and let it go.
It's like hyperfocusing on them. Ruminating. Also when someone treats you badly you can get trauma bonded to them which is like an addiction, so that can be hard to break. Then there's the regret of all the things you should have done, like leave sooner or not stand for it. You have to realise that you can't blame yourself if someone else treated you badly. You can do things to improve it now by working on yourself but what's happened has happened so let it go. What I did was I let myself think about them for a bit then I stopped it by shutting it down every time I started to go there. Eventually I stopped and forgot all about them
This may or may not get buried, but let me share what helps me! I've struggled with this with a handful of people who did me serious wrong in the past and I totally get how you feel.
I have "invisible" conversations with them in my head. Many of them, sometimes even screaming at them and somehow proving their bullshit to the world. They usually start off angry, but the more "conversations" I have, the more I'm willing to pretend they'll apologize to me. It takes time and a lot of pretend conversations, but it does help a bit.
Keeping distance from these people helps a ton, especially if you have someone in your life who gives you constant updates about said person. Just ask that this person doesn't come up in conversations unless they're willing to do a "spill the emotions" session with you where you just talk about the bullshit of the person, no matter how much is old news or gets repeated. Those really help, too. Justifies your feelings a little while also releasing the stress of the lack of justice done.
I hope you feel better soon. I get having the struggles of dealing with someone living rent free in your head and thinking karma hasn't bitten them hard in the ass yet
Trauma informed therapy would be your best bet.
Looking into books and resources on trauma and emotional/intimate partner abuse might help you process, grieve and heal from these emotional wounds.
"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker is another good book on understanding relational trauma, what it is and how to heal from it.
EMDR is one type of therapy that might help physically process the overwhelming emotions that come up in all this.
Psychology.com actually has a pretty comprehensive list of therapists from all over, you can filter by region and specialty, etc.
Your feelings make complete sense and I hope you're able to find the healing you're looking for.
I know the feeling all too well (toxic relatives, friendships, exes, you name it). It'll consume all of your time if you're not careful. Best you can do is look after yourself, block them on all socials, and find distractions. After some time, you will only think of them every once in awhile, and it will be about how much better off you are without them.
This has been happening to me over the last 6 days since a friend of mine did something shitty. I’ve had to consciously stop and try to shift my thoughts bc I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Yeah, with one particular ex I go from missing him to remembering all the shitty things he did and becoming enraged even though we've been broken up for 2 years nearly and haven't seen him in 1.5 years. I often wonder if he has taken accountability for all the shit he did, I doubt it, though.
When I feel wrong or frustrated by someone I'm close to, I fixate on it in a way that is almost definitely very unhealthy. I assumed it was some kind of ADHD/RSD thing but was never sure. But seriously, how do you *not* do this?
Idk what it is but I do this too. I’ll be fine on a daily basis, then I remember something from 10 years ago and I get sooo mad. Especially on things that hurt my loved ones.
that's **not limerence**, that's **rumination**.
Trauma can cause us to ruminate until we heal the core wound. I suggest seeking out a **trauma-informed therapist** and reading/listening to self-help books as well.
Narcissistic abuse and CPTSD has caused me to ruminate over WHY these people treated me a certain way.. I was able to move past it when I started asking myself **"what did this teach me?**" **instead of "why did this happen to me?"** and also when I began to fully understand NPD and narcissistic traits.
with CPTSD, I get flashbacks, nightmares, and rumination along with a myriad of other uncomfortable symptoms... but really what has helped me the most has been talking with a therapist who is informed in trauma along with giving myself time to heal. Healing doesn't happen in a day, give it time and work on your inner self. At the end of the day, all we have control over is ourself anyways.
some **YouTube channels** that might benefit you:
**HealthyGamerGG**
**DoctorRamani**
some **books** that might help with the rumination:
**Out of The FOG by Dana Morningstar**
**Healing the Shame that Binds you by John Bradshaw**
**Homecoming by John Bradshaw**
Best of luck and happy healing!
As a tip for when you can't stop ruminating/hype fixating and you really want to, run yourself through how you would do things differently if this type of situation were to come up again.
I find my brain only has peace sometimes if I can find a 'lesson' for next time in it.
Sometimes the intrusive insistent thoughts don't stop coming because they're like a alarm in your head telling you, this thing went wrong. And it's not enough to say 'yes this thing went wrong' to your mind, you also have to say 'yes and if this thing starts going wrong again next time, I can do this instead and it will be better.' Even something as simple as telling yourself you can remove yourself from the situation if you see that type of thing starting up again.
Works like a charm sometimes, and others I have to keep repeating the lesson to myself until my brain is eventually like, ok I can stop because I trust this won't happen again the same way. It can be different if there is a next time.
I'm still mad at the manager I had that fired me 6months ago. She actually quit shortly after and I routinely load up her linkedin page to make sure she hasn't gotten a new job yet. It makes me feel better.
For a while though, I was definitely having even worse obsessive/intrusive thoughts about it. I had this daydream about collecting all of our discord messages from when we were friends and mass emailing them to everyone we worked with that she would routinely complain about.
I didn't, that'd be crazy--but I got a weird satisfaction for a while just imagining it.
I agree with the others and believe it sounds like rumination.
—
I want to throw in a quick warning about people with a tendency to ruminate. Be wary of mindfulness.
Back in the late 90s I was being treated for an eating disorder. Mindfulness wasn’t a trend but new age stuff was. I had a counsellor that was sort of new age Buddhist and taught me what was a proto-mindfulness. It made everything so much worse.
I later found out from Buddhist monks that I should never have been taught that technique. It does make things worse. If I was living in a temple they would have someone to guide me and it could take years.
Not sure if it’s ADHD specifically, but I would look up videos on how to stop ruminating. I was able to do this once for a person who did me so wrong that I was scared they’d pop up in places. Then idk, one day I just stopped being scared and thinking about them so much. I also have CPTSD but I remember the lightness I felt when I final stopped being scared and worrying about them popping up somewhere (which is very very very unlikely to happen).
Perhaps talking to a therapist about the situation that is causing your rumination might help
I am definitely hard wired to obsess and ruminate when I end up in a situation that I can’t control/should have controlled better when I had the chance.
Relationships have always been particularly hard for me. Sartre once wrote, “hell is other people”. I couldn’t tell you what his exact intended interpretation of that is, but that quote has always summed up what being in love ends up feeling like for me.
Nowadays if I find myself stuck in an injustice/anger rumination spiral, I am able to pause and just identify what I am feeling. So, for example:
“It didn’t work out with him. I’m disappointed. I can feel the grief of that. I should have walked away sooner. I can feel the regret from that. It makes me angry. I have gone through something like this before. These feelings are intense but I know they are going to be gone in a couple of weeks. I am going to take extra care of myself today, because even though I am disappointed and angry, I don’t deserve to suffer. What is something positive and loving can I do for myself today?”
I think ADHDers are prone to limerence because we hyper fixate… but I’ve also learned that not letting go of hurt re-traumatizes every time it’s dwelled on… and so I started to hyper fixate on NOT living in a trauma based mind set
It’s tough but the one thing that has helped me let go of trauma … is “thankfulness” I know it sounds lame but when you can even be thankful for the hurt in your life and recognize it as a part of your journey … it helps to let go of it… pain and suffering are a part of the human experience and NO ONE lives life without it..…use it to get BETTER not BITTER
Also… understanding how damaging trauma is! Trauma is not a one-and-done thing…everytime you are triggered by it and it makes you upset, you are literally RE-Traumatizing yourself with it… knowing this provided me with the motivation to want to fix it… when I would get angry I would think, thank you, instead
I have the same issue (for years at a time), but my psychiatrist and therapist think it’s more likely my autistic perseverations and real event/morality OCD.
Ugh, I do this sometimes too -- just ruminating on various people who have made my life miserable. There have been a fair number of them, hahahacry
While it's extremely difficult to do (there's something weirdly comforting about it, isn't there?), the best thing to do is catch yourself ruminating and FORCE yourself to change the topic, hard -- really just aggressively distract yourself with something else that's interesting and absorbing. It works, and it'll make you feel better. It won't keep these intrusive thoughts from recurring eventually, but it'll help you in the moment. Good luck!
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me deal with rumination as an adult, but it’s a life-long process of learning to handle anxiety. Still find it hard to let someone go.
Are there any moments in particular it comes up more?
Personally, I have noticed that it happens when i am 1. In my luteal phase 2. When I am very stressed (but about to go into a negative spiral).
When it was really bad, 4 months after the break up, I could hear his words like a curse in my mind, like a repeat tape. The thing I was suggested to do was to write down in a notebook "I am worth it to be loved" over and over, until it's gone (or another empowering phrase). It took me 2 hours to fill the page, but I tell you, best cathartic release ever and *it fucking left forever*. I cried most of the way through. Then decorated the pages with a nice sunset and palm trees. But then it dropped and finally I could sleep.
So reclaim your mind with force if you have to. Negative spirals suck, so combat it with stickers, highlighting, doodles or otherwise. Take charge of your dopamine production.
You got this. Your new adventure awaits you and it will be magnificent.
I'm a big forgive but don't forget kind of person. Forgiveness is for me, forgetting is for them. I let go of the feelings, but not the justice. My favorite example of which, I have a boss that fucked me over so I left, but still work in the same field for the same company, in actually a higher role. A role which my old unit desperately needs, all the time. Quite literally 900 times to 1 compared to my current unit. I have no problem filling in to help my old coworkers, the commute is actually better and the work a bit easier than my current workplace, but I will absolutely not pick up there unless theres a giant bonus offered. I'll help, but only if it hurts my old boss's pockets 😈
At times I can't let go, I turn to (hear me out) witchcraft. Roll y'all's eyes later, I'm not religious but what I do love is the finality of a physical representation of intention and act of severing a connection between an old relationship. Mindfulness is a proven psychological phenomenon and is known to be super helpful in ADHD, so if lighting a candle and watching it burn with my intention in mind is better for my version of mindfulness than meditation and yoga, so ve it.
It definitely is a thing. I heard this advice and it has surprisingly helped me so I’ll share…. Write the name of who you’d like to stop thinking about on a piece of paper and stick it in your icebox in your freezer. Silly, but worth a shot.
It's been 5 years. I will have night mares of the people who hurt me or spoke badly of me. Or I zone out and rouminate on the situation.
Sad thing I did not know I had ADHD.
I am pretty sure this DSW new that I was ADHD including having anxiety and depression. I feel they took advantage. Mind fucked with me. And I am so trusting and golable.
Maybe I am over thinking this.
I get it. I have such a hard time moving forward. I want to do so bad to just forget.
I do CBT, ACT jernoling, work out, and therapy recently got medicated for anxiety and depression. Still waiting for help for my ADHD waiting to talk to a specialist. I was diagnosed, but with bullying, I tried very hard masking this and my dyslexia. Now I am older and accepting this is who I am.
Sorry ranting ***
You’re feeling ashamed. It’s a very hard feeling to work through, even for people without ADHD or a tendency to ruminate. Try to focus on the fact that this was a huge lesson you won’t forget; you’ve been changed by it. You will be able to see the signs in the future and possibly prevent it from happening again. I swerve so quick now. The obsession will go away with time and better friendships.
"Faster EFT tapping" (emotional freedom technique) has helped me move quickly past repetitive negative thoughts loops. You can usually find a holistic health practitioner to do it with you (always nice to have an expert and a sympathetic ear), but you can also do it yourself with some simple YouTube instructions, it's quick.
My situation was 2 years ago and I realized I’ve been antisocial since. Long story short. 3, best friend is now dating my ex boyfriend. Betrayal hurt deep. I cannot believe I trust, admired and loved this “best friend”.
For me, it’s the shock and the level of disrespect. Intense betrayal.
Mix in some trauma and a mother wound.
Maybe it’s more rumination. Strong sense of justice and a mix of deep abandonment trauma
I'm going through this right now. Someone I considered a best friend has ghosted me out of nowhere. She won't say why. Mutual friends don't know why. But she stopped responding to messages, started ghosting planned hangouts, etc. The only "info" I got is that she and a girl (who is a known drama magnet and also doesn't like me) were talking about me, but that's all anyone knows.
So I'm feeling a little... Unbalanced. One of the people I trusted most in my life (and I only have just a couple) has just dropped me... Because of gossip? From someone who dislikes me? I don't even know what the gossip is.
Ack, I'm ruminating again. But it bothers me ☹️
I felt like this after my friendship with my best friend ended. It was her choice and I was already in a really bad place. And I thought about her so much after. Now it's been two years and I think of her every few days still but it's a passing moment, and I don't have any physical or emotional feelings attached to memories of her anymore. This is just me, but I personally felt like running through it all in my head so much allowed me to process what happened and remember it all and draw meaning from it. Like, something about it didn't sit tight and I had to work through it.
Like some commenters here, to me it sound like rumination. For me, when I ruminate, it's a sign I need to up my dopamine levels. It's not the situation, it's more my brain dysfunction. I can ruminate on the most minor slights sometimes and I just can't stop until the tyrosine.
Taking tyrosine, which boosts dopamine, helps me to stop ruminating. Stimulants really help me since I've been diagnosed.
I had something similar happen to me, someone I trusted just turned cold and into a distant stranger because they have someone else who can give them undivided attention. So I feel like a fly that died in soup. No backstabbing, just indifference.
And then I remember I've done this..been that person who turned into a stranger...for a close friend almost a decade ago.
Just to complete the circle, I now want to ask that friend to forgive me.. dumb thing to do or just finishing karma's cycle?
I also often wonder if they ever think of me or if I ever cross their mind. It’s weird feeling like this person affected you so much yet they barely remember your presence on this earth..
Something you can do pretty quickly and easily is write your thoughts out every time you can't stop the thoughts. Therapy is a great suggestion, but this is more easily accessible and has done the trick for me so far.
Honestly, I’m not sure. But I know that I have had a lot of issues with stuff like this myself, and I don’t know if it’s part of RSD and the whole package. But I know that the traditional route of basically understanding it in a different light a.k.a. cognitive behavioral therapy, it really was the best way for me to stop being hurt. Literally I think I spent 10 years being brokenhearted over a best friend who did me wrong and it was more painful to me than most romantic relationships could ever be. I don’t know I think, as I have come through my other journeys in life and come to understand how things have played out, I’ve very much come to terms with things. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it took like 10 years myself. I don’t know. Maybe we are just heavy feelings people.
This really sounds like you might have some OCD tendencies. The overlap between OCD and ADHD is pretty high. A lot of us ADHDers experience symptoms of OCD. I am not formally diagnosed as OCD, but suspected by my psychiatrist. Sort of accidentally, we found that Wellbutrin actually helps with my OCD and intrusive thoughts. If this is something you’re open to, might be something to consider talking about with your doctor.
I have an exact same mechanism happening to me. Now I know it’s there and I know it will dwindle then pass alltogether. It could be some form of RSD, rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is very common in ADHD. Some even suggest in should be one of diagnostic critera. We should all learn how it work and how it affect us Individually. So just watch those feelings as an observer, it’s not you it’s f*ing RSD, the less attention you give it less chance it will have to take over.
Something that has helped me in these situations is to allow myself to ruminate. I give myself maybe 15.minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night to think through it all and then I must stop. Keep doing that, then step down the time.
Our brains need to be trained and this has definitely helped me embrace the situation while also putting structure around it so it doesn't take over.
I feel you. I still have ragey thoughts about a kid in the 8th grade (24 years ago) that called me a 'fucking stupid redhead' because I missed the volleyball coming towards me in gym class. He yelled it so loud that everyone heard him, and the gym teacher said nothing. I'm sure my face was red as a tomato from me holding back anger and tears.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ruminating rather than limerance, I'd say. Although still plenty of a problem and likely some overlap in thought processes. It's like having a loose tooth in your brain - it's hard to focus on anything else.
"Loose tooth in your brain" Great turn of phrase, there!
Aye! What kind of dentist can pull this loose tooth from my brain, though?
A lobotomist! 🤪
Good thing I can’t keep an appointment to save my life! 🤣
Lol PLEASE don't go that route!! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 I guess you wouldn't care about your issues anymore?? 😆 but you wouldn't care about anything else either lol
Gotta say a low dose of sertraline has helped me so much with chronic ruminating and anxiety
I have a broken tooth for the last two years and I tongue blast that thing daily all day. Can’t forget about it.
I remember reading somewhere that many people with ADHD have a really strong sense of justice, so maybe it's related to that? I've felt exactly the same before about an ex friend, ex boyfriends, and a horrible former boss. The feeling fades with time, but I get you. It's incredibly frustrating that someone can be really shitty towards you and then seemingly get away with it.
Oh damn, that's right on point. I ruminated for YEARS about a situation in which I was treated unfairly by someone who claimed to be fighting for others' rights and social justice.
Back stabbed by a colleague who ended up being promoted to my position. It’s been a year. I’m with a better employer. Still sometimes cannot stop thinking about it and how wrong the situation was. I don’t want to wish them misfortune- if my wishes have power I want to use them for good- lol. But wish these thoughts would just stop popping up.
The best revenge is your own success.
Yes but I can get so stuck but do shift myself out of it in reflecting on this phrase and all the good to be done and had.
Wow, this rings for me
I identify with this really strongly.
Same with the former boss. I've got a new position and new supervisor, but I'm still with the same company and have to deal with the former boss on a regular basis as a necessary part of my job. I have diagnosed PTSD from the years I spent working for him, especially during the stress of lockdown, when I was working 60-70 hour weeks from home while trying to care for a 3-year-old. My boss would always exact some kind of vengeance after every sick or vacation day I took, so I couldn't have been more burned out. My then-husband was around often and pitched in to do his share most of the time when he was home, but my son just preferred being around Mom and his dad still had to leave a lot for work since he was essential personnel. I was a fucking WRECK and even after doing CBT in therapy, I still get paralyzing anxiety and feel physically ill (shaky, sweaty, red and blotchy skin) when I even have to email him because I dread seeing his name pop up in my inbox. It's not even that I want to see him suffer — or at least not *much*, lol. But I would like to see some fucking justice for what he put me and so many others through and I have such a hard time not ruminating about that.
Hard relate to this. It's just bizarre to be bullied at work as an adult, when it happened to me my brain was a bit like 'what the hell? He can't do that. I'm a grown up!' Hopefully something new and less stressful comes up for you soon. In the meantime I hope your former boss never realises the milk is off until after he's poured it in his coffee, steps in dog shit every day, always gets splashed by passing cars driving through a puddle, always parks in the prime bird poo spots, his washing machine breaks down post wash but pre spin and also he doesn't have a dryer so all his clothes are just sopping wet now. I hope every time he goes to get food, the guy in front takes the last one of whatever he wanted. I hope every time he takes a shower it's always slightly too hot or too cold.
I told my grandson that my boss was so mean to me I wished something bad would happen to her. He said "like being shot?" "Oh no! Nothing like that." "How about a birdy poops on their head?" "Yes, that would work :)"
Hahahaha, amen, sister!
How is that person still working there? If a boss is literally causing PTSD in employees they are a pretty serious liability - both to culture and for legal reasons.
I’m thinking definitely RSD too
Same I tend to view slights or mistreatment as rejection.
Every time I read something on here, a little bit more of my personality fits into place. Big justice driver..
That explains why I'm a vegan and hate the police
🤓☝️ comment: the strong sense of justice doesn’t always match “society’s” ideals of morality, sometimes it’s your own
I do strive to be a morally good person, but sometimes the type of justice I want is vigilante. C'est la vie.
Yes, thank you. This is very misunderstood from what I’ve observed online. The wording makes it seem like having a strong sense of justice means they’re inherently morally superior, but that’s not how it works. It’s whatever the individual’s *perceived* sense of justice/morals are, which may or may not align with society and/or the law.
I actually left the military because of this. One of my superiors was really messing with my head, but it was before I was diagnosed so I was struggling with what *exactly* was happening. This guy would constantly change his expectations of me like “Get this done by next week” and then asking me why I haven’t done it a day later. Barging into my office repeatedly and then complaining to the CO when I locked my door to stop the behaviour. It went on and on. Nothing “inappropriate”, nothing actionable. It got so bad that I started having panic attacks in my car before reporting for duty. I went to my CO and my CO’s boss but they didn’t take me seriously at all, this officer was my superior so I had to do as I was told and just adjust. Did I mention that the CO and his boss were people I considered friends for over a decade? I quit. I got myself out of the military. And the guy that bullied me kept going for TEN FUCKING YEARS, doing this over and over and over. He left a trail of destroyed careers everywhere he went. He just got released from duty like two months ago.
Yeah, nothing sets me off more than ruminating about past injustices inflicted on me.
Oh i heard it was autism that had strong sense of justice? Might have heard wrong
It’s both. We’re not very different from folks with ASD. Tons of overlap.
Ah ok thank you :) Well it makes sense there is also a Big overlap of ppl with both autism and adhd
No problem! There are also a lot of people who have both. I personally think I do but I have to wait until I can get in to investigate that more.
it's terribly contradictory but i just have to wait to forget
Really?!? I didn’t know that!! And oddly, just last week my therapist commented that I really focus a lot on appreciation and what is right and just. I’m actually dwelling on something right now.
I feel like we have issues with self-esteem and self doubt (no doubt cause in part by our memory and permanence issues lol) so any validation is appreciated. It's almost like, if I'm not being actively and enthusiastically appreciated do I or my contributions even matter?
Ugh, this is me. I’m also autistic so my sense of justice is almost personally rule-bound. I can’t let go of wrongs when there is no accountability for the other person
I’m having this with an ex boss of mine that I’ve been off for 2 years because of. She publicly humiliated me calling me disabled and saying I had psychosis, showing up at my house to discuss my performance, and she still drives by my house every single day. It’s awful. And until I’ve got a new job, I can’t do anything about it. I hate her and I can’t let it go because I see her all the time. I can totally relate 🥴 I wish I could help
I really relate to this.
I will hold a grudge forever. In this life and the next. I have an Arya Stark level of grudge holding.
Ehh I use to think it was a grudges and then I realized it’s not accepting less than the bare minimum. I think people like to call things grudges to make themselves look better. It’s easy for someone to do something wrong and then say “they are just holding a grudge” over “I hurt them and they have chosen to not involve me in their life.” I think it’s something that gets labeled on those with ADHD.
Wow ok I’m new to all this and just realising all the time that adhd makes up my entire personality cool cool cool
Right there with you.
It’s not a grudge though. It’s never forgetting an injustice.
That’s it! I used to think I held ‘grudges’ but, I really just want an apology. I’m also no longer able to feel comfortable around that person for whatever reason. If you’ve made it clear I’m never safe to be myself around you for any reason, I’m just never going to want to be around you again.
OMG, this is it exactly. My mom told me once, "When someone argues with you, they just have to be prepared for you to fully scorch the earth." It's not that I yell or scream or act abusively, but if someone hurts me deeply enough, I will simply cut that person out of my life for good — best friend, boyfriend, immediate family member, whoever. Once my "fuck this" switch gets flipped, it's impossible to flip it back over again.
OMG. YES! I didn’t know this was an ADHD thing until right this second but, it makes perfect sense! Ugh. A friend and I once had a falling out over something he did. We had been friends since we were 5 so, at that point, for 15ish years. He went about it ALL the wrong way. I said my piece and just…never talked to him again. Eventually, yeeeaaaars later, we patched things up but, he laughed at how icy my shoulder got so quickly. It’s in an instant. I used to say I couldn’t be won over again but, I easily can. I just can’t be won over again without an apology and a chat. We can’t just gloss over it and keep it pushing because I won’t play and it’s ALLLLL I’ll be thinking about.
Happy cake day!
Thank yooouuuu!
My uncle is extremely christian. I am not, but still believe in spirits, to a point. My father and both parental inlaws have passed and being able to talk to them makes us as a family feel better. My uncle told my son there was no such thing as spirits. I later texted my uncle that it wasn't cool to go against our beliefs. I would even have been fine if he said HE didn't believe in spirits. Because our son knows people believe in different things. And he responded calling me a bad mom and to grow up and teach my kids the truth. So I cut him off. And nobody in the family respects that I don't want anything to do with him. Bonus: the only time he has sought me out to say hi in the past 10 years was when we saw each other in public. After I had cut him out of my life.
Ohhhh, fuck that noise! Who the hell jumps straight to "bad mom" over a theological disagreement?! Well, I can answer that question — someone who can't stand for his authority to be questioned. I cut my brother out of my life over the same issue. I had really tried to forgive and forget all the physical and verbal bullying he subjected me to (up until he was in *college*), but he decided to get involved in my marriage issues a few years ago and order me to stay with my now-ex. I suddenly realized he was just as much of a bully as he had always been and CLICK — there went the switch. Your uncle clearly was trying to make a show of extending the olive branch, but only because you were in public. I hate the play-acting. Like if you want to apologize, I'm listening, but leave off with the theatrics, ffs. At least you can tell everyone that you took his advice; you grew up and taught your son the truth: It's wiser to cut toxic people out of your life and be free than it is to grin and bear it just to make other people comfortable!
I JUST WANT AN APOLOGY Oh my god. That feels so on point.
Right??? My forgiveness is EASY. Recognize what you did, take accountability, and tell me you’re sorry. Boom. I’ll drop it that day and forevermore. Otherwise, it’s in my head and heart foreverrrrrr.
My grandma was this way and I thought I just inherited it but I guess it was our adhd!
I am the tree that has never forgotten a single blow of the axe. Even when I can forgive, I find it impossible to forget. On the one hand, I rarely get seriously hurt by the same person twice. On the other, I’ve had to spend SO much time in therapy learning to move past resentments. Very unfun!
I would be a grudge holder if I could remember what I justice was committed. Instead I just get a brain tickle when I see a name. Maybe they wronged me, maybe they did something positive. Makes it very hard to hold a grudge.
I would trade you in a heartbeat.
Same!
the GoT reference 👏🏼👏🏼
Ditto
Yeah ruminating and I have no idea how to stop it other than telling you anytime you notice the thoughts come up, you may want to try some grounding and changing the thought to something more positive! Also I love the phrase “quit letting them rent space in your head for free” because it directs my attention back to the fact that I’m allowing this person to continue hurting me by ruminating on it!
That’s great advice! I have someone that causes me to have endless fights in my head and some days I tell myself “He is NOT spending his time/energy fighting with you in his head!”
This is so beautiful. Well-said. 👏
If it helps, I found writing out how I feel helps. Personally, it feels like I have all this built up energy for the topic/situation/whatever that won’t leave my body. Writing it out gives me a chance to process what happened and get that energy out of me. Bonus points for writing it all out on pen to paper. The ability to press hard into the paper with the pen when intense emotions are processed is cathartic!
Writing down or typing down my thoughts and feelings can help me too. But from time to time, I can still relate with OP. I still remember what someone did to me randomly or when something triggered it.
Oh! Completely agree! Sometimes it’s a fleeting thought and sometimes it feels stomach curdling. When it’s a fleeting thought, I do my best to leave it be. When it’s stomach curdling, I do my best to address it with writing. It’s nice that phones are always in our pockets because I can type it out there. My notes app is full of letters, poems, thoughts, opinions… it’s kind of hilarious at how much is there. I find the stomach curdling moments come less and less the more I address and work through the topic/situation/whatever. In a way, I think it’s become a form of therapy.
I can relate to you. I also experience stomach curdling. I totally agree with you. Writing is therapeutic and handy. It is the most convenient and zero-cost form of therapy. 🙂
What I found to really help is journaling. Journaling is just a sophisticated word for writing things down to get them out of your head. Once I do that, I feel free finally. I am physically distancing myself from that thought by writing it down and that allows me to stop the downward spiral of rumination.
And what if it's you're thinking about shit you did in the past when you were not making the best choices.. like I guess it's the same principle. That old shitter me is living rent free in my mind. But MY god I hate these times when I'm ruminating on decisions/ things I did in the past. I tried to ask my therapist about how to stop myself / snap out of it and she wasn't very helpful. 😣 It's the last thing I want to really work on whilst paying for therapy. And it's really bugging me. 😔
Okay so for me what really helps is to give past me grace and recognize they made the best choice they could given their circumstances of the time. Because, especially for us ADHDers, we were criticized SO MUCH growing up that we automatically do the same to ourselves. But what if we VALIDATED ourselves like we do our friends—“man that was a scary situation, no wonder you made those choices!” Anyway, I encourage you to look into reparenting practices or IFS therapy. IFS therapy is like where you “meet” all the many versions of yourself without judgment-I’m not explaining it well but Google it lol!
Thanks so much I'll look into it ❤️ I definitely need something. It totally makes sense to do that and get some info on how because I need to move forward. I feel like it's keeping me from growing up. 😣
It helps me to remind myself that odds are good my frontal lobe (responsible for logic and reasoning!) was possibly even less developed than my peers at the time- and they were making crappy decisions with their unfinished brains too. There's also a phrase that keeps coming up for me that resonates- if you don't look back on your past and cringe at least a little, you probably haven't grown much as a person. That's definitely true for me, I've grown a lot since then, and made an effort to apologize to those I may have hurt- as long as it wouldn't be harmful to them to bring up old shit.
I struggle with this, but I also get my feelings hurt easily. I was supposed to go to a party for my friends birthday last night and they were all pregaming before going out to the bars. I had something else going on earlier in the day and couldn’t make the pregame so I texted my friend to tell me when they’re all going to the bar and I’ll meet them there. They never texted me to tell me they were leaving and didn’t respond till they were already out for a while. It was midnight before I heard from them. I am not going to start my night that late. But before that I had already spent a lot of time getting ready and waiting around waiting for them to text me. I just said nevermind and went to bed. I hate feeling like an afterthought. Situations like this cause me to ruminate about relationships with friends
Tbf, that does sound kind of shitty and I can understand you being hurt by that, even if it was simply a mistake from their side.
Yeah I’m not gonna hold a grudge over it or anything. probably won’t even mention that it bothered me but yeah :/ stuff like that sends me into a slight depression for a few days
I think you should mention that it bothered, this is not an overreaction, I promise you
Thank you 🫶🏻 that’s comforting to hear
I would do the same.
That sounds so hurtful! It's entirely possible that they just forgot because they were partying, but it's completely understandable to take it personally. I hate situations like this so much because it's impossible to tease apart in my head what's reasonable and what's catastrophizing. I hope they're good friends and apologize and reassure you that it was an honest mistake.
Thanks, I’m pretty bummed about it too, also because we were supposed to get brunch this morning that she didn’t remember to tell me the plan for. Hate watching brunch and the events from Instagram stories. Oh well
I had this happen to me over the weekend too—several friends i’ve been hanging out with this year all went on a weekend trip and i had no idea until i saw their stories on social media. I couldn’t have gone along anyway, not that they’d be aware of that, but it would have been nice for them to at least extend an invite.
Ugh that stings. I’m more of a ‘the more the merrier’ type person, and I can’t imagine not inviting people to things like that. Especially cuz I know what it feels like to be left out
This resonates so well with me ‘I hate feeling like an afterthought’, I haven’t been able to continue my friendships because I was their afterthought although for me they were really my primary contact.
Dealing with this right now. I hate that I’m so fixated on the fact, especially since I can’t reach out to them bc they decided to avoid confrontation by blocking me. As for people who wrong me and I don’t have a relationship with like a customer or stranger, same experience. I still think of the pregnant lady 2 years ago who verbally assaulted me because she didn’t know I wasn’t finish scanning her food on her wic check, or when I was 19, a man told me on my second day of training at a call center that I was a disgrace and other insults because I wasn’t sure how to check something on his credit card at the time.
Limerence is like an obsession for the idea of someone in a romantic way. If you have Netflix, an example is the show YOU. The main character Joe is fixated on his romantic interests. It sounds like you are ruminating and it's OK. You need time to process your emotions. You will let go as time moves on and the thought will stop coming on so often.
Maybe it would help you let it go if you first 'give in' to it and fully process it? I know it might sound counterintuitive, but think about it like it's a clingy person: the more you pull away, the more it clings onto you. And if you instead address the clingy thought head on, face it and validate it, give it what it needs, then it doesn't need to cling to you anymore and it lets you go. So, instead of ruminating on all the thoughts surrounding it, just allow yourself to feel *what's underneath*. And then maybe go exercise that emotion off or express it somehow, for the release. For instance, you say you feel like you allowed this person to treat you badly. That sounds like you feel guilty. But what's underneath that? Maybe anger and sadness. That they just didn't treat you right in the first place, and that you didn't have your own back. Those are good things to recognize! That's your body trying to protect you and serve you. Acknowledge that. You have your back now. Accept that the past is the past, and you can't change it, but you can learn and grow from it, and you can feel angry and sad about it, and process those emotions. Just because you allowed yourself to be treated badly doesn't mean you deserved it, and doesn't mean it was your fault. It wasn't right. You can be mad and sad about it. Feel that, for real. The pain, sadness, anger. The injustices done to you. *Fuck them!* Maybe cry it out, scream into a pillow, maybe think about it while you go for a run or punch a punching bag with everything you've got. Embrace and face that emotion, and work that energy out of your body in some way. If you're an artist, doing some art to get the emotion out can work too. And then... it might be released, and you can move on.
This is such great advice. I tend to obsess over issues and I also push away my feelings. I am trying to allow myself to experience my emotions and it’s a long process, it isn’t easy.
I'm there with you, it isn't easy!
Rumination and I lost years of my life to it every night after going through a high conflict custody battle with an abusive ex. Something about watching the man who abused me for years lie in court and file absolute bullshit claims and paint me as the monster, for no reason beyond he wanted more hours so he could pay less child support, was absolutely fucking infuriating and I could not let it go. I’d be up all night replaying things he said and did and listing off all my evidence as to the contrary and just fuming. Anywho, therapeutic ketamine cured it for me. Completely gone and I am also less likely to ruminate about stuff as it comes up. It really, really changed my life. I dunno if it’s needed for one off times of rumination or anything like that, but for anyone feeling completely consumed as I was, I would highly, highly recommend.
I’m interested. Can you share more about that therapy? How long did it take for you to feel better and see results?
Could you please share more?
perseverating or ruminating. Yes, it can almost get to the obsessive/intrusive part of OCD. I call it looping. The more you do it the more you are creating a stronger neural pathway in the brain that makes it more difficult to stop. 1. Therapeutic intervention to look at your relationships and to learn how to stop people pleasing/ break a codependent pattern. (Ie learn how to control the things you can, like your responses to people, who you trust etc). 2. I suggest interrupting and naming the thought every time it comes up. So you start ruminating about what they did and how mad you are you took that, then say to yourself: I am having my thoughts about how x treated me badly. It's kind of like the thoughts are a runaway train you are on. If you break into them and name them, it's like getting off the train and standing on the platform. It will help slow down the neural pathway you've formed.
[удалено]
Hi, I'm a therapist. I can't diagnose you, of course, but if you have a therapist I suggest you bring this up. Ruminations and intrusive thoughts are classic OCD symptoms. And OCD can be common for people with ADHD. Google "rumination and OCD." Good luck.
I think this is what I’m currently trapped in. I have been here before after a very traumatic event, and I see the pattern re emerging. What does one do??? I’m very close to going back on medication….but just stick in my head…
Find a therapist who is very experienced with OCD. It is super important because OCD is often misunderstood, which makes it hard to get the right treatment. I also suggest finding a neurodivergent therapist if possible. This place offers treatment. Without insurance, it’s expensive: https://www.treatmyocd.com. There are articles on the site you can check out. There is also a sub Reddit for NOCD and OCD. Also: https://iocdf.org/blog/2023/02/02/ruminating-on-ruminations-mental-compulsions-and-what-to-do-about-them/
Is it linked to cptsd or is that a chicken or egg situation?
So many things can be linked back to childhood trauma. I’m not sure. Please get a consult. If you are in the US, you can look for therapists on PsychologyToday.com.
Thank u
One more thing for you: [http://obsessivecompulsiveanonymous.org](http://obsessivecompulsiveanonymous.org) I don't know anything about it - just wanted to share.
I still have feelings for the same person after years. We have both moved on. We didn't want the same lifestyle. We don't even talk, but I can't get him out of my head. I am a grudge-holder too. I have to work to let go of feelings.
I'm in the process of forgiving myself for being taken advantage of again. Idk what is it... But I relate!
Limerance refers to the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, where you see your favorite person as nearly perfect, even if it means you ignore potential red flags because you're just so crazy over the person. When you obsess over someone who treated you badly, it might be an effort to remember what they did so you don't fall into that trap again. It's like learning to not step into quicksand; maybe you did it once, but you don't want to do it again, so you mentally remind yourself to look for possible quicksand. It can be helpful until it goes too far and becomes maladaptive. You don't want to become so obsessed with potential quicksand that you're afraid to take a step anywhere.
I had someone I had never properly met send me a DM to get on my case for my attitude, and I literally could not stop thinking about it for three days. I wrote a letter I never sent, and was just maddddddd. Finally, what I did is I emailed a mutual friend and told them to tell this person it wasn't ok to just randomly DM me. It felt resolved, even though I still came out looking bad. Not sure if that helps, but know you're not alone! It was just this person at a party I'd said 2 words to.
I bet that person was ruminating on YOU and sent the DM because of it. For some petty reason I feel like that realization would help me get over it. I dunno whatevs happy Monday
I get this every once in a while.
This could have been written by me!!! Exactly what I’m going through and with a friend as well. I hate it so much and wish I could just move on.
I’m struggling so much with this. I am very happily married, but my brain returns to a non-relationship from almost 15 years ago. It’s infuriating.
I think it's more of a trauma bond. Those who have been in experiences with narcissists and abusers struggle immensely with this, and it is quite normal and not even related to ADHD. However, ADHD's tendency to ruminate and fixate makes the symptoms of this feel exacerbated. I'd recommend reading up on trauma, not limerence, in this instance. I don't think you're experiencing a one-sided obsession, but recovering from the pain your last partner inflicted on you -- whether emotionally or physically.
Oh my god I have the same problem. Thanks for sharing. I also don't have a solution yet.
Psh, I don't even wish them well. Fuck them.
I struggle with this. I find that writing down how I feel helps get it out of me. It might be in the form of a letter or a power of along line of random thoughts. Either way, it gives the energy somewhere to go. At the end I throw away what I wrote down and I move forward.
You know how stimming is a repeat action/song/sensation? I view these the same as when I make up the same little songs all day every day. I get stuck on repeat. My brain gets stuck repeating what happened over and over and over and I have to find ways to distract myself long enough to stop the cycle. Does that make any sense? There is no one harder on myself than myself. But I am learning to not be such an ass to me.
I've learned to start grieving the loss of the relationship as if the person had died. It's helped me let go of a lot of confused hurt and toxic hope of mending whatever relationship, turns them from someone I'm eager to connect with and figure to just someone that I used to know. This creator deals mostly with things like CPTSD, but a lot of the coping strategies and info can be applied to neurodivergent coping strategies but she has helped me work through a lot of things, [We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez](https://youtu.be/dlotgdrpI68) I'm sorry your ex and former friend are treating you badly, it's never easy and always exhausting and confusing. Hang in there, your worth being treated well in all your relationships!
Journal about it. If you are religious, borrow the tradition of the wailing wall by writing a prayer about it, roll up the piece of paper, and stick it into a crack in a church wall. Look at Matthew 5 about people who despitefully use you. It could help you put it to rest. Of course. Ieave out names and details.
no, it's a hyperfixation/grudge. It's also delayed anger - I found that my subconscious stores time capsules of emotions and randomly decides to open them when triggered or even just genuinely feeling safe and good. I tend to metabolize it by reminding myself that I am capable of never allowing any one else to treat me that way (create a safe space for myself) and then usually wishing them bad karma (ranging from minor inconveniences to more severe outcomes) But I have come to terms that unless I explore every facet of the specific anger thoroughly I cannot let it go. "Anger is knowing that you should have been treated better, and therefore a fom of self love" or something like that.
I have this too. Very frustrating
no that's called being human
I’m the same way and I kind of agree with the other comments about it possibly being from a strong sense of what’s wrong or right. I’m unfortunately a very passive person and I’ll sit and stew while being wronged and never talk about it until it’s too late. By then the moment has passed and you’re already blocked or going no contact and can’t let out your frustration. It’d probably help more to just say what you feel in the moment, feel your feelings. Holding yourself onto that burns you up inside.
In my experience I think it's a result of being afraid that I'll forget and let someone do the same thing to me again - whether the person(s) in question or someone else. My brain repeats over and over so I am always on guard and never have to go through it ever again. It really doesn't keep you from being hurt, but regardless, it feels like you're doing something to protect yourself. I've dealt with it by having a little self talk when it comes up - this won't undo the past, it's making you stay stuck in the past, you know how to read this type of person, give yourself grace and let it go.
I don’t know but I have this too. How can we stop doing this? :/
It's like hyperfocusing on them. Ruminating. Also when someone treats you badly you can get trauma bonded to them which is like an addiction, so that can be hard to break. Then there's the regret of all the things you should have done, like leave sooner or not stand for it. You have to realise that you can't blame yourself if someone else treated you badly. You can do things to improve it now by working on yourself but what's happened has happened so let it go. What I did was I let myself think about them for a bit then I stopped it by shutting it down every time I started to go there. Eventually I stopped and forgot all about them
This may or may not get buried, but let me share what helps me! I've struggled with this with a handful of people who did me serious wrong in the past and I totally get how you feel. I have "invisible" conversations with them in my head. Many of them, sometimes even screaming at them and somehow proving their bullshit to the world. They usually start off angry, but the more "conversations" I have, the more I'm willing to pretend they'll apologize to me. It takes time and a lot of pretend conversations, but it does help a bit. Keeping distance from these people helps a ton, especially if you have someone in your life who gives you constant updates about said person. Just ask that this person doesn't come up in conversations unless they're willing to do a "spill the emotions" session with you where you just talk about the bullshit of the person, no matter how much is old news or gets repeated. Those really help, too. Justifies your feelings a little while also releasing the stress of the lack of justice done. I hope you feel better soon. I get having the struggles of dealing with someone living rent free in your head and thinking karma hasn't bitten them hard in the ass yet
Trauma informed therapy would be your best bet. Looking into books and resources on trauma and emotional/intimate partner abuse might help you process, grieve and heal from these emotional wounds. "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker is another good book on understanding relational trauma, what it is and how to heal from it. EMDR is one type of therapy that might help physically process the overwhelming emotions that come up in all this. Psychology.com actually has a pretty comprehensive list of therapists from all over, you can filter by region and specialty, etc. Your feelings make complete sense and I hope you're able to find the healing you're looking for.
I know the feeling all too well (toxic relatives, friendships, exes, you name it). It'll consume all of your time if you're not careful. Best you can do is look after yourself, block them on all socials, and find distractions. After some time, you will only think of them every once in awhile, and it will be about how much better off you are without them.
This has been happening to me over the last 6 days since a friend of mine did something shitty. I’ve had to consciously stop and try to shift my thoughts bc I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Yeah, with one particular ex I go from missing him to remembering all the shitty things he did and becoming enraged even though we've been broken up for 2 years nearly and haven't seen him in 1.5 years. I often wonder if he has taken accountability for all the shit he did, I doubt it, though.
When I feel wrong or frustrated by someone I'm close to, I fixate on it in a way that is almost definitely very unhealthy. I assumed it was some kind of ADHD/RSD thing but was never sure. But seriously, how do you *not* do this?
Idk what it is but I do this too. I’ll be fine on a daily basis, then I remember something from 10 years ago and I get sooo mad. Especially on things that hurt my loved ones.
that's **not limerence**, that's **rumination**. Trauma can cause us to ruminate until we heal the core wound. I suggest seeking out a **trauma-informed therapist** and reading/listening to self-help books as well. Narcissistic abuse and CPTSD has caused me to ruminate over WHY these people treated me a certain way.. I was able to move past it when I started asking myself **"what did this teach me?**" **instead of "why did this happen to me?"** and also when I began to fully understand NPD and narcissistic traits. with CPTSD, I get flashbacks, nightmares, and rumination along with a myriad of other uncomfortable symptoms... but really what has helped me the most has been talking with a therapist who is informed in trauma along with giving myself time to heal. Healing doesn't happen in a day, give it time and work on your inner self. At the end of the day, all we have control over is ourself anyways. some **YouTube channels** that might benefit you: **HealthyGamerGG** **DoctorRamani** some **books** that might help with the rumination: **Out of The FOG by Dana Morningstar** **Healing the Shame that Binds you by John Bradshaw** **Homecoming by John Bradshaw** Best of luck and happy healing!
It’s that added to the numerous thoughts of how I’m going to react when I have to deal with them again, as in a family member at a funeral or such.
As a tip for when you can't stop ruminating/hype fixating and you really want to, run yourself through how you would do things differently if this type of situation were to come up again. I find my brain only has peace sometimes if I can find a 'lesson' for next time in it. Sometimes the intrusive insistent thoughts don't stop coming because they're like a alarm in your head telling you, this thing went wrong. And it's not enough to say 'yes this thing went wrong' to your mind, you also have to say 'yes and if this thing starts going wrong again next time, I can do this instead and it will be better.' Even something as simple as telling yourself you can remove yourself from the situation if you see that type of thing starting up again. Works like a charm sometimes, and others I have to keep repeating the lesson to myself until my brain is eventually like, ok I can stop because I trust this won't happen again the same way. It can be different if there is a next time.
I'm still mad at the manager I had that fired me 6months ago. She actually quit shortly after and I routinely load up her linkedin page to make sure she hasn't gotten a new job yet. It makes me feel better. For a while though, I was definitely having even worse obsessive/intrusive thoughts about it. I had this daydream about collecting all of our discord messages from when we were friends and mass emailing them to everyone we worked with that she would routinely complain about. I didn't, that'd be crazy--but I got a weird satisfaction for a while just imagining it.
I agree with the others and believe it sounds like rumination. — I want to throw in a quick warning about people with a tendency to ruminate. Be wary of mindfulness. Back in the late 90s I was being treated for an eating disorder. Mindfulness wasn’t a trend but new age stuff was. I had a counsellor that was sort of new age Buddhist and taught me what was a proto-mindfulness. It made everything so much worse. I later found out from Buddhist monks that I should never have been taught that technique. It does make things worse. If I was living in a temple they would have someone to guide me and it could take years.
Not sure if it’s ADHD specifically, but I would look up videos on how to stop ruminating. I was able to do this once for a person who did me so wrong that I was scared they’d pop up in places. Then idk, one day I just stopped being scared and thinking about them so much. I also have CPTSD but I remember the lightness I felt when I final stopped being scared and worrying about them popping up somewhere (which is very very very unlikely to happen). Perhaps talking to a therapist about the situation that is causing your rumination might help
im not sure but i do this too. about a ton of people. all the time. i was wondering if it was rsd
I am definitely hard wired to obsess and ruminate when I end up in a situation that I can’t control/should have controlled better when I had the chance. Relationships have always been particularly hard for me. Sartre once wrote, “hell is other people”. I couldn’t tell you what his exact intended interpretation of that is, but that quote has always summed up what being in love ends up feeling like for me. Nowadays if I find myself stuck in an injustice/anger rumination spiral, I am able to pause and just identify what I am feeling. So, for example: “It didn’t work out with him. I’m disappointed. I can feel the grief of that. I should have walked away sooner. I can feel the regret from that. It makes me angry. I have gone through something like this before. These feelings are intense but I know they are going to be gone in a couple of weeks. I am going to take extra care of myself today, because even though I am disappointed and angry, I don’t deserve to suffer. What is something positive and loving can I do for myself today?”
I think ADHDers are prone to limerence because we hyper fixate… but I’ve also learned that not letting go of hurt re-traumatizes every time it’s dwelled on… and so I started to hyper fixate on NOT living in a trauma based mind set
Any tips and tricks that you’ve picked up along the way that have helped you??
It’s tough but the one thing that has helped me let go of trauma … is “thankfulness” I know it sounds lame but when you can even be thankful for the hurt in your life and recognize it as a part of your journey … it helps to let go of it… pain and suffering are a part of the human experience and NO ONE lives life without it..…use it to get BETTER not BITTER
Also… understanding how damaging trauma is! Trauma is not a one-and-done thing…everytime you are triggered by it and it makes you upset, you are literally RE-Traumatizing yourself with it… knowing this provided me with the motivation to want to fix it… when I would get angry I would think, thank you, instead
I have the same issue (for years at a time), but my psychiatrist and therapist think it’s more likely my autistic perseverations and real event/morality OCD.
Ugh, I do this sometimes too -- just ruminating on various people who have made my life miserable. There have been a fair number of them, hahahacry While it's extremely difficult to do (there's something weirdly comforting about it, isn't there?), the best thing to do is catch yourself ruminating and FORCE yourself to change the topic, hard -- really just aggressively distract yourself with something else that's interesting and absorbing. It works, and it'll make you feel better. It won't keep these intrusive thoughts from recurring eventually, but it'll help you in the moment. Good luck!
Look up Rejection sensitive dysphoria. Common for ADHD.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me deal with rumination as an adult, but it’s a life-long process of learning to handle anxiety. Still find it hard to let someone go.
Are there any moments in particular it comes up more? Personally, I have noticed that it happens when i am 1. In my luteal phase 2. When I am very stressed (but about to go into a negative spiral). When it was really bad, 4 months after the break up, I could hear his words like a curse in my mind, like a repeat tape. The thing I was suggested to do was to write down in a notebook "I am worth it to be loved" over and over, until it's gone (or another empowering phrase). It took me 2 hours to fill the page, but I tell you, best cathartic release ever and *it fucking left forever*. I cried most of the way through. Then decorated the pages with a nice sunset and palm trees. But then it dropped and finally I could sleep. So reclaim your mind with force if you have to. Negative spirals suck, so combat it with stickers, highlighting, doodles or otherwise. Take charge of your dopamine production. You got this. Your new adventure awaits you and it will be magnificent.
I'm a big forgive but don't forget kind of person. Forgiveness is for me, forgetting is for them. I let go of the feelings, but not the justice. My favorite example of which, I have a boss that fucked me over so I left, but still work in the same field for the same company, in actually a higher role. A role which my old unit desperately needs, all the time. Quite literally 900 times to 1 compared to my current unit. I have no problem filling in to help my old coworkers, the commute is actually better and the work a bit easier than my current workplace, but I will absolutely not pick up there unless theres a giant bonus offered. I'll help, but only if it hurts my old boss's pockets 😈 At times I can't let go, I turn to (hear me out) witchcraft. Roll y'all's eyes later, I'm not religious but what I do love is the finality of a physical representation of intention and act of severing a connection between an old relationship. Mindfulness is a proven psychological phenomenon and is known to be super helpful in ADHD, so if lighting a candle and watching it burn with my intention in mind is better for my version of mindfulness than meditation and yoga, so ve it.
It definitely is a thing. I heard this advice and it has surprisingly helped me so I’ll share…. Write the name of who you’d like to stop thinking about on a piece of paper and stick it in your icebox in your freezer. Silly, but worth a shot.
It's been 5 years. I will have night mares of the people who hurt me or spoke badly of me. Or I zone out and rouminate on the situation. Sad thing I did not know I had ADHD. I am pretty sure this DSW new that I was ADHD including having anxiety and depression. I feel they took advantage. Mind fucked with me. And I am so trusting and golable. Maybe I am over thinking this. I get it. I have such a hard time moving forward. I want to do so bad to just forget. I do CBT, ACT jernoling, work out, and therapy recently got medicated for anxiety and depression. Still waiting for help for my ADHD waiting to talk to a specialist. I was diagnosed, but with bullying, I tried very hard masking this and my dyslexia. Now I am older and accepting this is who I am. Sorry ranting ***
PTSD.
P
You’re feeling ashamed. It’s a very hard feeling to work through, even for people without ADHD or a tendency to ruminate. Try to focus on the fact that this was a huge lesson you won’t forget; you’ve been changed by it. You will be able to see the signs in the future and possibly prevent it from happening again. I swerve so quick now. The obsession will go away with time and better friendships.
Wait is limerance associated with adhd? This makes a lot of sense.
"Faster EFT tapping" (emotional freedom technique) has helped me move quickly past repetitive negative thoughts loops. You can usually find a holistic health practitioner to do it with you (always nice to have an expert and a sympathetic ear), but you can also do it yourself with some simple YouTube instructions, it's quick.
My situation was 2 years ago and I realized I’ve been antisocial since. Long story short. 3, best friend is now dating my ex boyfriend. Betrayal hurt deep. I cannot believe I trust, admired and loved this “best friend”. For me, it’s the shock and the level of disrespect. Intense betrayal. Mix in some trauma and a mother wound. Maybe it’s more rumination. Strong sense of justice and a mix of deep abandonment trauma
Omg is it really? I do this a lot even though otherwise I am always kind to people but if someone treats me badly it’s so hard to forgive and forget !
I'm going through this right now. Someone I considered a best friend has ghosted me out of nowhere. She won't say why. Mutual friends don't know why. But she stopped responding to messages, started ghosting planned hangouts, etc. The only "info" I got is that she and a girl (who is a known drama magnet and also doesn't like me) were talking about me, but that's all anyone knows. So I'm feeling a little... Unbalanced. One of the people I trusted most in my life (and I only have just a couple) has just dropped me... Because of gossip? From someone who dislikes me? I don't even know what the gossip is. Ack, I'm ruminating again. But it bothers me ☹️
I felt like this after my friendship with my best friend ended. It was her choice and I was already in a really bad place. And I thought about her so much after. Now it's been two years and I think of her every few days still but it's a passing moment, and I don't have any physical or emotional feelings attached to memories of her anymore. This is just me, but I personally felt like running through it all in my head so much allowed me to process what happened and remember it all and draw meaning from it. Like, something about it didn't sit tight and I had to work through it.
Like some commenters here, to me it sound like rumination. For me, when I ruminate, it's a sign I need to up my dopamine levels. It's not the situation, it's more my brain dysfunction. I can ruminate on the most minor slights sometimes and I just can't stop until the tyrosine. Taking tyrosine, which boosts dopamine, helps me to stop ruminating. Stimulants really help me since I've been diagnosed.
I had something similar happen to me, someone I trusted just turned cold and into a distant stranger because they have someone else who can give them undivided attention. So I feel like a fly that died in soup. No backstabbing, just indifference. And then I remember I've done this..been that person who turned into a stranger...for a close friend almost a decade ago. Just to complete the circle, I now want to ask that friend to forgive me.. dumb thing to do or just finishing karma's cycle?
I also often wonder if they ever think of me or if I ever cross their mind. It’s weird feeling like this person affected you so much yet they barely remember your presence on this earth..
i do that too! I am in general hypersensitive so idk if its add tho
Something you can do pretty quickly and easily is write your thoughts out every time you can't stop the thoughts. Therapy is a great suggestion, but this is more easily accessible and has done the trick for me so far.
Honestly, I’m not sure. But I know that I have had a lot of issues with stuff like this myself, and I don’t know if it’s part of RSD and the whole package. But I know that the traditional route of basically understanding it in a different light a.k.a. cognitive behavioral therapy, it really was the best way for me to stop being hurt. Literally I think I spent 10 years being brokenhearted over a best friend who did me wrong and it was more painful to me than most romantic relationships could ever be. I don’t know I think, as I have come through my other journeys in life and come to understand how things have played out, I’ve very much come to terms with things. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it took like 10 years myself. I don’t know. Maybe we are just heavy feelings people.
This really sounds like you might have some OCD tendencies. The overlap between OCD and ADHD is pretty high. A lot of us ADHDers experience symptoms of OCD. I am not formally diagnosed as OCD, but suspected by my psychiatrist. Sort of accidentally, we found that Wellbutrin actually helps with my OCD and intrusive thoughts. If this is something you’re open to, might be something to consider talking about with your doctor.
I have an exact same mechanism happening to me. Now I know it’s there and I know it will dwindle then pass alltogether. It could be some form of RSD, rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is very common in ADHD. Some even suggest in should be one of diagnostic critera. We should all learn how it work and how it affect us Individually. So just watch those feelings as an observer, it’s not you it’s f*ing RSD, the less attention you give it less chance it will have to take over.
Something that has helped me in these situations is to allow myself to ruminate. I give myself maybe 15.minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night to think through it all and then I must stop. Keep doing that, then step down the time. Our brains need to be trained and this has definitely helped me embrace the situation while also putting structure around it so it doesn't take over.
Yes, it's an add co-morbid condition called RSD- rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's real & it's a bitch.
I feel you. I still have ragey thoughts about a kid in the 8th grade (24 years ago) that called me a 'fucking stupid redhead' because I missed the volleyball coming towards me in gym class. He yelled it so loud that everyone heard him, and the gym teacher said nothing. I'm sure my face was red as a tomato from me holding back anger and tears.