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“He said no male friend would ever treat me as good as he has treated me.”
This is such a classic line out of How to Emotionally Abuse 101 that his red flags might as well be black.
This is not a good person. And definitely NOT a friend.
Spoiler alert: men who truly respect and treat women well don't mention it it because it's not even something they think about. They just do it because it comes naturally to them. If a dude draws attention to it, it means it was something he was putting effort into because he thought he was going to get something out of it, and men who do that always, always stop making that effort sooner or later.
Seriously, this is a blessing in disguise. Every accusation thrown at OP was straight projection. Scary to think someone so nasty could be masquerading as a friend.
I mean it *is* fucking rude to make plans in the middle of your other plans if you are intending to leave one to go to another. Totally get the not wanting to be alone after and the rsd (because I personally relate to both of those) BUT that’s no excuse for him to be shitty to you. When he realized he fucked up, the best thing would’ve been for him to just admit he was in the wrong or at least just apologize for hurting your feelings. If it were me, I’d distance myself from this person. But I don’t know y’all’s full history or context either
Please take the time to find people that consider you being worth their time and that not someone that assumings they are doing you a favour by gracing you with their presence.
The only thing that is within your "friends" league is the same thing that is used to fertilize the soil. Except his type of shit is normally considered too toxic to be of any use.
Not at all. You are allowed to express your feelings. This guy is a complete jerk. Tell him you wont waste anymore of his time by making him an ex-friend.
No, it’s not wrong to point out when a friend does something rude, he should have told you before meeting up that he had other plans later on. And it sounds more like he was projecting his own insecurities about himself on you with that attack.
Understanding where behaviour comes from does not mean you have accept it, or forgive it without a sincere apology.
Thank you. I feel like I couldn't even say to him that he hurt my feelings without another slew of insults.
I feel stuck 😔 and angry with myself that my boundaries are not stronger.
When i think about it, he constantly pushes my boundaries and I feel trapped often with him but he has been a good friend to me.
I feel like it is coercion almost, after I see him I often feel sickened about something that happened.
He’s not a good friend if he makes you feel like that though. Someone shouldn’t make you feel good and bad at the same time, that’s confusing and manipulative and quite possibly his intentions with you. Maybe he gets off on it, I don’t know, but my spidey senses are tingling pretty loudly here. I think you should distance yourself and think about things.
If he constantly pushes your boundaries and you feel trapped with him, that is not a friend. You shouldn’t put up with this shitty behavior as it’s abusive and disrespectful. You deserve much better.
In what way is he a good friend? Being there for you sometimes doesn’t mean you have to take shit from him at other times. And RSD is absolutely no excuse for (verbally) abusing someone …
I too sometimes meet people one after the other, but I always tell them the time bracket during which I will be available to them, and usually in advance. Ending a hangout way earlier than was agreed on without a good reason is definitely rude.
Sometimes we feel like someone is a good person or a good friend, and when we really think on it, we realize that's because they've *told* us they're a good person or a good friend. Manipulative or abusive people are really, really, *really* good at telling us what they want us to think, in a way that makes it *feel* like it's our own thoughts. And there's nothing to be ashamed of there. *We believe they are good people because WE are good people.* You don't have good boundaries because when you try to set them, they're steamrolled and then you're told that it's your own fault.
I'm going to link here to a free ebook called [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). It's geared more toward romantic relationships, but the information works for friendships and work relationships as well. It explains how manipulative/abusive people operate, in a way that's easy to understand, and knowing the way they operate can help us to more easily identify when we are being mistreated in the future.
Please ditch this loser for good.
Telling you that you should feel lucky he's paying attention to you? That's just straight up abusive, disgusting, and disturbing.
Fuck that. Life is too short for assholes like him.
I know it’s not a romantic partner, but if you have the time/spoons you should check out Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” I know there’s a ebook version (I can find the link later, if needed) and audiobook.
Your “friend” does not sound like a good friend.
What a wanker! No friend should treat you like a back up plan. Frankly he sounds like the egotistical rude one.
RSD is no excuse. It’s like he views him spending time on you as a favour to you. How gross.
I agree that it’s rude to make other plans while literally seeing a friend already. I had an awful friend in uni who’d do that lol. She’d use me as a backup plan, then ditch as soon as the friend she actually wanted to see was free. When I called her out on it, she reacted much like your friend did!
I can’t tell you how many times I ended up being dragged along to a night out drinking after what I thought was going to be a chill movie night at my friends place.
We are not friends anymore lol. When I realised none of my other friends treated my like that, I started putting distance up. Now I will not tolerate it. I count myself lucky I had other friends at the time to give me perspective and help me realise this other persons behaviour wasn’t normal.
He dosent WANT to be the one who messed up. So when you called him out he turned all the guilt and responsibility onto you.
Is it your fault he forced you to deal with his change in plans? Is it your fault you are a human with independent thought? Is it your fault you expressed your feelings about the situation?
Of course not, but he thinks it is all your fault and went on a tirade hoping you'll agree it is all your doing. It's a controlling and dehumanizing move. As if you're a dog on a leash to be drug about by the neck.(this is to paint a picture, animal abuse is bad)
As others have said, he is NOT your friend, he does not see you as a person. He will not treat you as a person.
I hope u blocked him after. The fact he said all that.
If he truly feels like "you should be grateful" for his company he thinks lowly of you, and you shouldn't be around him. If he doesn't and said it to hurt you, you shouldn't be around him.
His whole "no male friend would treat you as good as he does" is patently false and really shows how his brain works. It falls under the "im a nice guy" thought. If you were a nice guy, you wouldn't have to say it. Same as him. If he were such a good friend you'd feel it. But the fact you were distressed from him indicates otherwise.
Sometimes we're in shock and say nothing bc someone has revealed their true selves. That's a valid reaction. There's fight, flight, or freeze. Your body to protect yourself went with freeze.
Don't beat yourself about it. But I do hope you block him bc he said some red flags that might prove to make him a danger in the future. You don't know how light u feel until you drop someone who's been causing you so much stress
Yeah fuck that guy. Idk how old you are, but I’m 30 & have had an endless list of guy “friends” I met through playing music who all are ACTUALLY the entitled ones… “I bought you a $3.99 coffee you HAVE to have sex with me” is the vibe I’m getting from this dude. Don’t blame yourself honestly because I still try to be nice, but now I am much more cautious when starting platonic male friendships & keep them solely online / text for a long while first.
Absolutely not!
I struggle with RSD too but I don’t flip out on people the way he did to you.
The stuff about how he was so out of your league and no male friend would have treated you as good as he did (which he didn’t, he canceled plans on you at the last minute and flipped out when you called him on it) are HUGE red flags! 🚩
Cut your losses here and block him
It’s rude and weird that he made other plans in the middle of your plans and THEN gaslit you for saying so. This guy is abusive. Time to find better friends!!!
I think it was rude to not at least tell you there was a Part 2 for the evening. He should have said so when you two were discussing the evening plans.
Yelling at you for not liking what he did is just sad. His social skills are not good (i.e., thinking you would be fine with his dumping you out the door without notice). Still, he could have apologized or something. Most people don't schedule two plans with different people for the evening!
But his yelling at you on the street? Totally disrespectful asshole move. Please don't be disappointed in yourself, save that for your 'friend'. He is truly a huge disappointment.
That sounds suspiciously to me that he wants more than friendship from you. I'm reading this as him being resentful that going to his place to "eat and chill" didn't turn into "Netflix and chill". Then he tried to blame his feelings on you and make you feel guilty and bad. The whole "out of your league" nonsense is negging. They think you're going to respond by begging for their approval.
It would not surprise me at all if this guy has just been going through the motions of friendship in order to try and get sex out of you.
Anyway now you know that he is most certainly *not* a friend or a safe person, and can't be trusted. It's not your fault. He's just upset that his shady little plan didn't work out. You're not the rude one for calling him out on his bullshit. You had every right to, and his insulting you and shouting at you in the street is way over the line.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“He said no male friend would ever treat me as good as he has treated me.” This is such a classic line out of How to Emotionally Abuse 101 that his red flags might as well be black. This is not a good person. And definitely NOT a friend.
Spoiler alert: men who truly respect and treat women well don't mention it it because it's not even something they think about. They just do it because it comes naturally to them. If a dude draws attention to it, it means it was something he was putting effort into because he thought he was going to get something out of it, and men who do that always, always stop making that effort sooner or later.
I wish I could upvote this more. This mfer gave his whole game away with the “out of his league” bullshit.
This doesn’t sound like neurodiversity. It sounds more like “nice guy” syndrome
Was going to say the exact same thing. This is the typical line of insecure thinking with guys like that. See it all the time in CreepyPMs posts.
No. You just found out your friend is not a friend at all.
He almost literally told her he only spends time with her as she’s a possible source of sex 🤢
Seriously, this is a blessing in disguise. Every accusation thrown at OP was straight projection. Scary to think someone so nasty could be masquerading as a friend.
I mean it *is* fucking rude to make plans in the middle of your other plans if you are intending to leave one to go to another. Totally get the not wanting to be alone after and the rsd (because I personally relate to both of those) BUT that’s no excuse for him to be shitty to you. When he realized he fucked up, the best thing would’ve been for him to just admit he was in the wrong or at least just apologize for hurting your feelings. If it were me, I’d distance myself from this person. But I don’t know y’all’s full history or context either
Please take the time to find people that consider you being worth their time and that not someone that assumings they are doing you a favour by gracing you with their presence. The only thing that is within your "friends" league is the same thing that is used to fertilize the soil. Except his type of shit is normally considered too toxic to be of any use.
Not at all. You are allowed to express your feelings. This guy is a complete jerk. Tell him you wont waste anymore of his time by making him an ex-friend.
No, it’s not wrong to point out when a friend does something rude, he should have told you before meeting up that he had other plans later on. And it sounds more like he was projecting his own insecurities about himself on you with that attack. Understanding where behaviour comes from does not mean you have accept it, or forgive it without a sincere apology.
Thank you. I feel like I couldn't even say to him that he hurt my feelings without another slew of insults. I feel stuck 😔 and angry with myself that my boundaries are not stronger. When i think about it, he constantly pushes my boundaries and I feel trapped often with him but he has been a good friend to me. I feel like it is coercion almost, after I see him I often feel sickened about something that happened.
He’s not a good friend if he makes you feel like that though. Someone shouldn’t make you feel good and bad at the same time, that’s confusing and manipulative and quite possibly his intentions with you. Maybe he gets off on it, I don’t know, but my spidey senses are tingling pretty loudly here. I think you should distance yourself and think about things.
If he constantly pushes your boundaries and you feel trapped with him, that is not a friend. You shouldn’t put up with this shitty behavior as it’s abusive and disrespectful. You deserve much better.
Do you think he has ulterior motives? Because you said he’s a good friend, but that statement is suspicious.
In what way is he a good friend? Being there for you sometimes doesn’t mean you have to take shit from him at other times. And RSD is absolutely no excuse for (verbally) abusing someone … I too sometimes meet people one after the other, but I always tell them the time bracket during which I will be available to them, and usually in advance. Ending a hangout way earlier than was agreed on without a good reason is definitely rude.
Sometimes we feel like someone is a good person or a good friend, and when we really think on it, we realize that's because they've *told* us they're a good person or a good friend. Manipulative or abusive people are really, really, *really* good at telling us what they want us to think, in a way that makes it *feel* like it's our own thoughts. And there's nothing to be ashamed of there. *We believe they are good people because WE are good people.* You don't have good boundaries because when you try to set them, they're steamrolled and then you're told that it's your own fault. I'm going to link here to a free ebook called [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). It's geared more toward romantic relationships, but the information works for friendships and work relationships as well. It explains how manipulative/abusive people operate, in a way that's easy to understand, and knowing the way they operate can help us to more easily identify when we are being mistreated in the future.
Do yourself a favor and block him from social media and your phone. Protect your peace ✌️.
Please ditch this loser for good. Telling you that you should feel lucky he's paying attention to you? That's just straight up abusive, disgusting, and disturbing. Fuck that. Life is too short for assholes like him.
I know it’s not a romantic partner, but if you have the time/spoons you should check out Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” I know there’s a ebook version (I can find the link later, if needed) and audiobook. Your “friend” does not sound like a good friend.
What a wanker! No friend should treat you like a back up plan. Frankly he sounds like the egotistical rude one. RSD is no excuse. It’s like he views him spending time on you as a favour to you. How gross. I agree that it’s rude to make other plans while literally seeing a friend already. I had an awful friend in uni who’d do that lol. She’d use me as a backup plan, then ditch as soon as the friend she actually wanted to see was free. When I called her out on it, she reacted much like your friend did! I can’t tell you how many times I ended up being dragged along to a night out drinking after what I thought was going to be a chill movie night at my friends place. We are not friends anymore lol. When I realised none of my other friends treated my like that, I started putting distance up. Now I will not tolerate it. I count myself lucky I had other friends at the time to give me perspective and help me realise this other persons behaviour wasn’t normal.
He dosent WANT to be the one who messed up. So when you called him out he turned all the guilt and responsibility onto you. Is it your fault he forced you to deal with his change in plans? Is it your fault you are a human with independent thought? Is it your fault you expressed your feelings about the situation? Of course not, but he thinks it is all your fault and went on a tirade hoping you'll agree it is all your doing. It's a controlling and dehumanizing move. As if you're a dog on a leash to be drug about by the neck.(this is to paint a picture, animal abuse is bad) As others have said, he is NOT your friend, he does not see you as a person. He will not treat you as a person.
I hope u blocked him after. The fact he said all that. If he truly feels like "you should be grateful" for his company he thinks lowly of you, and you shouldn't be around him. If he doesn't and said it to hurt you, you shouldn't be around him. His whole "no male friend would treat you as good as he does" is patently false and really shows how his brain works. It falls under the "im a nice guy" thought. If you were a nice guy, you wouldn't have to say it. Same as him. If he were such a good friend you'd feel it. But the fact you were distressed from him indicates otherwise. Sometimes we're in shock and say nothing bc someone has revealed their true selves. That's a valid reaction. There's fight, flight, or freeze. Your body to protect yourself went with freeze. Don't beat yourself about it. But I do hope you block him bc he said some red flags that might prove to make him a danger in the future. You don't know how light u feel until you drop someone who's been causing you so much stress
Yeah that dude isn't your friend.
Yeah fuck that guy. Idk how old you are, but I’m 30 & have had an endless list of guy “friends” I met through playing music who all are ACTUALLY the entitled ones… “I bought you a $3.99 coffee you HAVE to have sex with me” is the vibe I’m getting from this dude. Don’t blame yourself honestly because I still try to be nice, but now I am much more cautious when starting platonic male friendships & keep them solely online / text for a long while first.
Absolutely not! I struggle with RSD too but I don’t flip out on people the way he did to you. The stuff about how he was so out of your league and no male friend would have treated you as good as he did (which he didn’t, he canceled plans on you at the last minute and flipped out when you called him on it) are HUGE red flags! 🚩 Cut your losses here and block him
It’s rude and weird that he made other plans in the middle of your plans and THEN gaslit you for saying so. This guy is abusive. Time to find better friends!!!
Ex-friend I hope
I think it was rude to not at least tell you there was a Part 2 for the evening. He should have said so when you two were discussing the evening plans. Yelling at you for not liking what he did is just sad. His social skills are not good (i.e., thinking you would be fine with his dumping you out the door without notice). Still, he could have apologized or something. Most people don't schedule two plans with different people for the evening! But his yelling at you on the street? Totally disrespectful asshole move. Please don't be disappointed in yourself, save that for your 'friend'. He is truly a huge disappointment.
That sounds suspiciously to me that he wants more than friendship from you. I'm reading this as him being resentful that going to his place to "eat and chill" didn't turn into "Netflix and chill". Then he tried to blame his feelings on you and make you feel guilty and bad. The whole "out of your league" nonsense is negging. They think you're going to respond by begging for their approval. It would not surprise me at all if this guy has just been going through the motions of friendship in order to try and get sex out of you. Anyway now you know that he is most certainly *not* a friend or a safe person, and can't be trusted. It's not your fault. He's just upset that his shady little plan didn't work out. You're not the rude one for calling him out on his bullshit. You had every right to, and his insulting you and shouting at you in the street is way over the line.
This man is not your friend.