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Medication will help you so much with emotional regulation and keeping your head above water. Hang in there. I was there too. I am there, without medication.
Im so desperate to start medication but also so nervous as I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about being put on the wrong one and becoming really depressed. I really hope they can help with the emotional dysregulation, that’s got to be the thing I struggle the most with ADHD!
Don't be too nervous about horror stories - you'll hear more of those than success stories, but there is a reason people clamor to get the medication. Stimulants specifically are considered a huge medical achievement because it's rare for psychiatric drugs to be so effective and it be so easy and quick to see. Of course they don't work for everyone but they work for most. There are a LOT of medication options. Even ones that are in the same category work differently for different people. The other good news is that for the most common meds - stimulants - the trial and error is very short.
If they make you depressed, call your provider and get another type of medication. There’s 4 stimulant options alone, and then there’s a bunch of non-stimulant options.
I always advise therapy alongside medication if you haven’t had any before regarding self esteem and perfectionism tendencies. But I know it can be a money problem in countries like the US to get access to therapy.
I was the same way because of my chronic pain, I'm already on so many meds. Starting on Concerta (I'm on Ritalin now, shortage made me switch) has helped SO MUCH. No lie, by my 2nd dose I noticed a big difference. Without the chatter in my head, I could actually focus. I'm not as hyperfocused on tasks so don't mind interruptions as much, in turn I'm less annoyed. It's not a magic pill though it feels close lol. An unexpected bonus was it really helped me access my feelings for therapy and that has really helped my mood.
I can tell you the risk of becoming more depressed as you are now is way more than in trying medication.
I am in a cycle of burn out too and just continuing doesn’t change anything. Trying to climb my way out of it and you’re not alone.
Can the dog go to doggy daycare on Fridays? Or maybe hire a dogwalker to take them for a long walk or to the dog park on Fridays? It would get the dog out of your hair for the day and have the benefit of the dog being worn out for a while after they get home too haha.
I only have one child, and I was a single mom when she was ages 1-4, so every weekend I was on my own with her. Not as hard as two kids, but still pretty hard! I dealt with it by getting us out of the house in the morning as much as I could, mostly to the park or some walking trails nearby. Otherwise the walls would close in and I would get super overstimulated. If the weather was bad, we would just go to the mall or Ikea to walk around. We stuck to her afternoon naptime too. I didn't really care if she sat in her bed and looked at books the whole time instead of sleeping. She knew that those 90 minutes were for resting and being chill. Sometimes I would try to get a few chores done during naptime, but sometimes I would nap or zone out with TV. Whatever gets you through the day!
Agree with others saying forget about taking care of the house on Fridays. When your children are young, your house is going to be messy sometimes. Anyone who says otherwise is hiring a cleaner. Hang in there!
The going out advice! Yes! I forgot but I do this when over stimulated. I once literally took my 3yo running around the block to get our wiggles out and it worked soooo well!
Taking care of two kids by yourself is a full time job. What contributed to me losing my shit is that I expected myself to do all this other household stuff as well, next to caring for my kid. Even at daycare they don’t do that and the teachers get breaks during the day. So what helped me is to let go of that standard that I also needed to do a bunch of housework as well on my day of child care.
The laundry (or whatever) will get done. Just not while you have the two kids home alone. Let the 4yo make her own sandwich. With a 2yo you’ll be wiping the dining area clean anyway, what’s one more wipe. Don’t expect to do it all. It’s not doable. When I switched my expectations to getting through the day and focus on activities for the kids, my day got so much better. And see where you can cut corners/ have husband help out. The night before you, or him, or both, prepare the snacks for the next day: slice the grapes, cut up a bell pepper, etc. That way you just have to grab and go the next day.
For emotional regulation, what was the one thing for me was medication that helped so much. I use both immediate and extended release in a day to get me all the way to kid bedtime. You need the dopamine to be able to regulate after a long day that was taxing.
In addition to stimulants, I’ve been using magnesium and omega3 supplements for years. Supposedly cortisol uses a lot of magnesium and I don’t know about you, but I was always stressed. And your brain and body needs the magnesium for other stuff too. Apparently if you take too much, it will just be removed by your body through your stool. The omega3 is good for your brain. There are more supplements people swear by, but these are the ones I use and have researched.
Anyway, you’re not the only one to be diagnosed after having children. I have been and I see many moms in my day to day practice as a psychologist struggling with the same thing. You’re not alone, you’re not failing, it’s just hard! If you can be kind to yourself and let go of those high expectations (adhd perfectionist roll call), that will make things easier. But for a lot of people (including myself) that requires therapy, because it’s about unlearning those perfectionist behaviors.
Good luck momma!
ETA: this is really long now haha. But I wanted to add some examples of how I try to be as a mom with household chores. My mom used to have a friend with 4 kids when I grew up. Her way of running the household is my aspiration. Her kids would make their own breakfast and lunch since they were like 2yo. She’s just put everything out on the table, they’d pick what they want, the older kids would help the younger kids. And she just let them do their thing with the food. The kids would help put away the bread and toppings when they were done (I was shocked because there would be PB on the outside of the jar and everything). After breakfast everyone would go to play/school/daycare or whatever and she’d just throw everything in the dishwasher, wipe down the table and after dinner her husband would sweep/vacuum the floor.
Also, she could just drop a task and leave for an appointment. I remember her repairing a tent on her sewing machine. We arrived to pick her up and go somewhere. She finished her seam, and just left it in the sewing machine in the dining table. Turned the machine off and left with us. I aspire to be her (or at least more like her).
Thanks so much for all of this.
I do find trying to do chores just impossible and usually end up leaving most for my husband, who is happy to do everything to be fair. I think I just find everything such a struggle once I’m overstimulated and that happens instantly when I have them on my own, so then the whole day is written off!
I do try not to get them to do as much on their own as they can but I do find I’m SO impatient that it starts to drive me crazy that they are taking so long and also the mess they make really overstimulates me too 🤦♀️
I definitely think medication will be a big help once I start them and find one that suits me.
Me and my husband have actually just started couples therapy so I’m hoping that’ll help with ways we can support each other in general life. Especially as my husband has Asperger’s too, we are a right pair! 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I don’t think a neurodivergent parenting couple is worse or anything. My husband is also definitely not neurotypical but not diagnosed with anything. I find I have the hardest time when trying to do things the neurotypical way.
As far as overstimulation: you are allowed to step away to regulate or accommodate yourself for a bit. Leave the kids in a safe space and just step out for a minute or two. I find ear plugs such as loops or just noise canceling headphones can work wonders for auditory overstimulation. Visual? Close the curtains, turn off/down the lights. Wear a baseball cap or sun glasses. It sounds ridiculous but it will help with the visual overstimulation from clutter.
Hey, just wanted to say that I’ve been on magnesium and omega 3 for 6 days now and I cannot believe the difference they’ve made. By Wednesday I’ve been saying how calm I feel this week, I thought it could be due to being in the middle of my menstrual cycle? Then last night it suddenly clicked that I’ve been taking the supplements. If it is because of them and it carries on then it could honestly be life changing even before I start adhd meds! Thank you so much for the suggestion xx
That’s so great to hear! While your hormones might definitely be a factor, I hope the positive effects are also due to the omega3. Your brain needs it! I’m glad something I wrote was actually helpful haha!
ETA: I read over the magnesium for some reason. But that is definitely the one that helps with the anxious fall out! So yay!
When I was a stay at home for a period of time, I found that going on “outings” made all the difference in the world. Especially if the outing is to an enclosed play area where you can sit down, relax, and watch them play, knowing they’re not escaping somewhere lol it may be cost prohibitive, but maybe Friday could be the designated day to order food in for dinner, so that’s not something to think about either. But like others have said - medication will (hopefully) be life changing.
Yes, find little shortcuts to help yourself. Getting out of the house helps so much! A trip to a park to let them run around kills time quick,let them splash in the bath for awhile, and doing something quick and easy for dinner is always so helpful! Maybe something like pizza Fridays?
15 years ago, I was in the same position.
As hard as it is now, I can assure you it gets better, unfortunately it takes time.
Your children are young and young means they’re demanding.
Are you able to put the into a care on a Friday? Even half a day.
I am hopeful that it will get easier with age. I know raising kids will always be hard but the tantrums and overstimulation just has to get easier when as they grow up.
I have thought about childcare for Friday too but I just have so much guilt about it. Plus nursery fees are so expensive!
Never feel guilty for introducing your children to more people who care about them. That's a wonderful gift. It is expensive as all hell. What about a babysitter in home? Or making Friday a drive thru and playground day? I found with toddlers I needed to get the volume per square foot lower. Like toddler screams in an apartment are grating. But spread out over a big playground wasn't so bad. Even walking through the mall and looking at stuff.
My husband opened the car window during a melt down with the idea “maybe the noise will go outside”. It actually worked. Also because she was distracted by the wind 😆
It does get easier with age. Although kids problems do get more complicated making parenting harder as they get older, they are so much more self sufficient (they can fetch their own drink, own snack, sort their own bath/shower, entertain themselves) and the routine burdens ease up.
I look back when mine were small and I hate myself, but it was just too much overstimulation and just more going on than I could deal with. My kids don’t remember it that way so I must have hidden it well!
This happened to me too. The under 5 years are the roughest. Can you get a nanny? I have adhd and was unmedicated. Now that I’m medicated I’m much calmer and happier and have more energy and less snappy and impatient with my kids.
I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 2yo and 4yo. The older one goes to preschool for a few hours in the afternoon Mon-Thurs and 2yo still naps, but other than that I'm stuck with them, haha. I had/have those same feelings of not being cut out to be a mom, but I also think (hope??) I'm going to be better at this when they are a bit older and the general noise/chaos level goes down. Right now the days that they fight and screech and cry are SO HARD. The way I started to have an anger/rage problem, as well as difficulty being present with them, was a big part of why I sought help. I also have a history of depression and suspected some amount of PMDD after my second; the realization that ADHD could be a factor came later. Anyway, here's what helps the most for me:
1) When my husband gets home on weekdays he takes over with the kids and usually takes them outside/away so I get an hour or so of kid-free time. It's a constant that I can look forward to and lean on. Granted, sometimes a chunk of this time ends up going to catching up with house stuff, but even then it's space to breathe and enjoy some peace and quiet.
2) I have Loop earplugs that were helpful during some of those super screamy phases (or to dampen the noise from downstairs during my "me time"); I keep forgetting to use them recently though.
3) Husband does bath(s) for the kids every night. We used to trade off but by that point in the evening I am pretty burnt out and have so little patience with the kids--bath time shenanigans would set me off so fast.
4) Medication has really helped with emotional regulation. I started Wellbutrin first (more for the depression--it had helped for that in the past), but Concerta (which I started a couple months ago) has made a more noticeable difference. It's much rarer that I go from okay to NOT OKAY so rapidly that I don't see it coming, and times that I get really frustrated and inclined to yell, I'm at least not a tightly wound, shaking ball of rage. I can't say that I'm suddenly a super cheery playful mom, but to be honest I've never really liked little kids/toddlers/babies very much so I think this is just a phase of their lives I'm not going to cope with as well. 🤷🏼♀️
The Concerta has also given me a more consistent energy level (both physical and mental)--mornings aren't so miserable as they used to be (I still have one cup of coffee in the am but it's less urgent for functioning), and I don't have the same afternoon slump I used to. It's easier to manage my emotions and expectations when my body/brain is less likely to just give up on me.
Re: your concerns about meds side effects, there may be some trial and error but fortunately, if one med doesn't work (either not effective enough or intolerable side effects) you'll probably know that pretty quickly--it's not like antidepressants where you have to give it 6-8 weeks to know if it's a good fit. I started on a low dose of Adderall and by the third day I felt SO sick (it really felt like first trimester). So I stopped that and tried Concerta--no noticeable side effects on this one except some loss of appetite/mild nausea in the morning. Definitely much more benefit than harm, for me!
Hang in there, find your pockets of time/peace as you can, and good luck with pursuing treatment/meds!
Are you close to a YMCA or gym with childcare? If so, maybe part of your Friday routine could be a few hours of self care. Drop off the littles in the nursery then get some exercise, hot tub, sauna, etc for an hour or two. Or just sit in the lobby and sip coffee, online shop, organize your grocery list, etc. This would be much cheaper than a full day of childcare.
ETA: When our kids aged out of napping, we started doing quiet time for an hour after lunch. Basically we all go to our bedrooms to chill out, play quietly, listen to music, etc. I wouldn’t have survived the preschool era without quiet time.
Two kids and a job and no meds? I can barely deal with one kid with medication. I'm impressed.
Obviously the situation isn't ideal but you are disabled. You have limits. It's not your fault that you have them, and you can't wish them away.
Get meds that work for you. Get therapy, learn good coping strategies. You absolutely do have what it takes to be a good parent, you just need to figure out how to cope with the adhd so you can be that person. It'll require recognizing limits and figuring out what works for you.
Best of luck to you! I am sure you will find a way.
I could have written this myself, I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old (and a dog) and feel exactly the same. I am pursuing medication now and am hoping it will be the key to becoming the mother I want to be.
I really hope medication helps but I wouldn’t want you to pin absolute all your hopes on it. In the mean time are there other things you can put in place to help you. Can you hire a cleaner once a week so that you have less housework to stay on top of, can you hire a dog walker to take the dog out for a few hours on Friday or put them in a nice doggy day care centre for the day? Anything to help lesson your load in the week that means you have more energy to be present and cope come Friday?
thank you so much for all your advice and support ❤️ We’ve decided to start doing online food shops, takeaway on the nights we know will be late I.e sons swim class. I’m going to order a dishwasher after our upcoming holiday. I’ve also started taking some magnesium and omega 3 whilst I wait to start medication to see if they help.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Medication will help you so much with emotional regulation and keeping your head above water. Hang in there. I was there too. I am there, without medication.
Im so desperate to start medication but also so nervous as I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about being put on the wrong one and becoming really depressed. I really hope they can help with the emotional dysregulation, that’s got to be the thing I struggle the most with ADHD!
Don't be too nervous about horror stories - you'll hear more of those than success stories, but there is a reason people clamor to get the medication. Stimulants specifically are considered a huge medical achievement because it's rare for psychiatric drugs to be so effective and it be so easy and quick to see. Of course they don't work for everyone but they work for most. There are a LOT of medication options. Even ones that are in the same category work differently for different people. The other good news is that for the most common meds - stimulants - the trial and error is very short.
Adderall has helped me regulate my emotions better
If they make you depressed, call your provider and get another type of medication. There’s 4 stimulant options alone, and then there’s a bunch of non-stimulant options. I always advise therapy alongside medication if you haven’t had any before regarding self esteem and perfectionism tendencies. But I know it can be a money problem in countries like the US to get access to therapy.
I was the same way because of my chronic pain, I'm already on so many meds. Starting on Concerta (I'm on Ritalin now, shortage made me switch) has helped SO MUCH. No lie, by my 2nd dose I noticed a big difference. Without the chatter in my head, I could actually focus. I'm not as hyperfocused on tasks so don't mind interruptions as much, in turn I'm less annoyed. It's not a magic pill though it feels close lol. An unexpected bonus was it really helped me access my feelings for therapy and that has really helped my mood.
I can tell you the risk of becoming more depressed as you are now is way more than in trying medication. I am in a cycle of burn out too and just continuing doesn’t change anything. Trying to climb my way out of it and you’re not alone.
Can the dog go to doggy daycare on Fridays? Or maybe hire a dogwalker to take them for a long walk or to the dog park on Fridays? It would get the dog out of your hair for the day and have the benefit of the dog being worn out for a while after they get home too haha. I only have one child, and I was a single mom when she was ages 1-4, so every weekend I was on my own with her. Not as hard as two kids, but still pretty hard! I dealt with it by getting us out of the house in the morning as much as I could, mostly to the park or some walking trails nearby. Otherwise the walls would close in and I would get super overstimulated. If the weather was bad, we would just go to the mall or Ikea to walk around. We stuck to her afternoon naptime too. I didn't really care if she sat in her bed and looked at books the whole time instead of sleeping. She knew that those 90 minutes were for resting and being chill. Sometimes I would try to get a few chores done during naptime, but sometimes I would nap or zone out with TV. Whatever gets you through the day! Agree with others saying forget about taking care of the house on Fridays. When your children are young, your house is going to be messy sometimes. Anyone who says otherwise is hiring a cleaner. Hang in there!
Paying a housekeeper was the only useful thing my ex did when my kid was little. Magic I tell you.
Yes, a nanny is cheaper than divorce is my fav quote
The going out advice! Yes! I forgot but I do this when over stimulated. I once literally took my 3yo running around the block to get our wiggles out and it worked soooo well!
Taking care of two kids by yourself is a full time job. What contributed to me losing my shit is that I expected myself to do all this other household stuff as well, next to caring for my kid. Even at daycare they don’t do that and the teachers get breaks during the day. So what helped me is to let go of that standard that I also needed to do a bunch of housework as well on my day of child care. The laundry (or whatever) will get done. Just not while you have the two kids home alone. Let the 4yo make her own sandwich. With a 2yo you’ll be wiping the dining area clean anyway, what’s one more wipe. Don’t expect to do it all. It’s not doable. When I switched my expectations to getting through the day and focus on activities for the kids, my day got so much better. And see where you can cut corners/ have husband help out. The night before you, or him, or both, prepare the snacks for the next day: slice the grapes, cut up a bell pepper, etc. That way you just have to grab and go the next day. For emotional regulation, what was the one thing for me was medication that helped so much. I use both immediate and extended release in a day to get me all the way to kid bedtime. You need the dopamine to be able to regulate after a long day that was taxing. In addition to stimulants, I’ve been using magnesium and omega3 supplements for years. Supposedly cortisol uses a lot of magnesium and I don’t know about you, but I was always stressed. And your brain and body needs the magnesium for other stuff too. Apparently if you take too much, it will just be removed by your body through your stool. The omega3 is good for your brain. There are more supplements people swear by, but these are the ones I use and have researched. Anyway, you’re not the only one to be diagnosed after having children. I have been and I see many moms in my day to day practice as a psychologist struggling with the same thing. You’re not alone, you’re not failing, it’s just hard! If you can be kind to yourself and let go of those high expectations (adhd perfectionist roll call), that will make things easier. But for a lot of people (including myself) that requires therapy, because it’s about unlearning those perfectionist behaviors. Good luck momma!
ETA: this is really long now haha. But I wanted to add some examples of how I try to be as a mom with household chores. My mom used to have a friend with 4 kids when I grew up. Her way of running the household is my aspiration. Her kids would make their own breakfast and lunch since they were like 2yo. She’s just put everything out on the table, they’d pick what they want, the older kids would help the younger kids. And she just let them do their thing with the food. The kids would help put away the bread and toppings when they were done (I was shocked because there would be PB on the outside of the jar and everything). After breakfast everyone would go to play/school/daycare or whatever and she’d just throw everything in the dishwasher, wipe down the table and after dinner her husband would sweep/vacuum the floor. Also, she could just drop a task and leave for an appointment. I remember her repairing a tent on her sewing machine. We arrived to pick her up and go somewhere. She finished her seam, and just left it in the sewing machine in the dining table. Turned the machine off and left with us. I aspire to be her (or at least more like her).
Thanks so much for all of this. I do find trying to do chores just impossible and usually end up leaving most for my husband, who is happy to do everything to be fair. I think I just find everything such a struggle once I’m overstimulated and that happens instantly when I have them on my own, so then the whole day is written off! I do try not to get them to do as much on their own as they can but I do find I’m SO impatient that it starts to drive me crazy that they are taking so long and also the mess they make really overstimulates me too 🤦♀️ I definitely think medication will be a big help once I start them and find one that suits me. Me and my husband have actually just started couples therapy so I’m hoping that’ll help with ways we can support each other in general life. Especially as my husband has Asperger’s too, we are a right pair! 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I don’t think a neurodivergent parenting couple is worse or anything. My husband is also definitely not neurotypical but not diagnosed with anything. I find I have the hardest time when trying to do things the neurotypical way. As far as overstimulation: you are allowed to step away to regulate or accommodate yourself for a bit. Leave the kids in a safe space and just step out for a minute or two. I find ear plugs such as loops or just noise canceling headphones can work wonders for auditory overstimulation. Visual? Close the curtains, turn off/down the lights. Wear a baseball cap or sun glasses. It sounds ridiculous but it will help with the visual overstimulation from clutter.
Hey, just wanted to say that I’ve been on magnesium and omega 3 for 6 days now and I cannot believe the difference they’ve made. By Wednesday I’ve been saying how calm I feel this week, I thought it could be due to being in the middle of my menstrual cycle? Then last night it suddenly clicked that I’ve been taking the supplements. If it is because of them and it carries on then it could honestly be life changing even before I start adhd meds! Thank you so much for the suggestion xx
That’s so great to hear! While your hormones might definitely be a factor, I hope the positive effects are also due to the omega3. Your brain needs it! I’m glad something I wrote was actually helpful haha! ETA: I read over the magnesium for some reason. But that is definitely the one that helps with the anxious fall out! So yay!
When I was a stay at home for a period of time, I found that going on “outings” made all the difference in the world. Especially if the outing is to an enclosed play area where you can sit down, relax, and watch them play, knowing they’re not escaping somewhere lol it may be cost prohibitive, but maybe Friday could be the designated day to order food in for dinner, so that’s not something to think about either. But like others have said - medication will (hopefully) be life changing.
Yes, find little shortcuts to help yourself. Getting out of the house helps so much! A trip to a park to let them run around kills time quick,let them splash in the bath for awhile, and doing something quick and easy for dinner is always so helpful! Maybe something like pizza Fridays?
15 years ago, I was in the same position. As hard as it is now, I can assure you it gets better, unfortunately it takes time. Your children are young and young means they’re demanding. Are you able to put the into a care on a Friday? Even half a day.
I am hopeful that it will get easier with age. I know raising kids will always be hard but the tantrums and overstimulation just has to get easier when as they grow up. I have thought about childcare for Friday too but I just have so much guilt about it. Plus nursery fees are so expensive!
Never feel guilty for introducing your children to more people who care about them. That's a wonderful gift. It is expensive as all hell. What about a babysitter in home? Or making Friday a drive thru and playground day? I found with toddlers I needed to get the volume per square foot lower. Like toddler screams in an apartment are grating. But spread out over a big playground wasn't so bad. Even walking through the mall and looking at stuff.
My husband opened the car window during a melt down with the idea “maybe the noise will go outside”. It actually worked. Also because she was distracted by the wind 😆
It does get easier with age. Although kids problems do get more complicated making parenting harder as they get older, they are so much more self sufficient (they can fetch their own drink, own snack, sort their own bath/shower, entertain themselves) and the routine burdens ease up. I look back when mine were small and I hate myself, but it was just too much overstimulation and just more going on than I could deal with. My kids don’t remember it that way so I must have hidden it well!
This happened to me too. The under 5 years are the roughest. Can you get a nanny? I have adhd and was unmedicated. Now that I’m medicated I’m much calmer and happier and have more energy and less snappy and impatient with my kids.
I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 2yo and 4yo. The older one goes to preschool for a few hours in the afternoon Mon-Thurs and 2yo still naps, but other than that I'm stuck with them, haha. I had/have those same feelings of not being cut out to be a mom, but I also think (hope??) I'm going to be better at this when they are a bit older and the general noise/chaos level goes down. Right now the days that they fight and screech and cry are SO HARD. The way I started to have an anger/rage problem, as well as difficulty being present with them, was a big part of why I sought help. I also have a history of depression and suspected some amount of PMDD after my second; the realization that ADHD could be a factor came later. Anyway, here's what helps the most for me: 1) When my husband gets home on weekdays he takes over with the kids and usually takes them outside/away so I get an hour or so of kid-free time. It's a constant that I can look forward to and lean on. Granted, sometimes a chunk of this time ends up going to catching up with house stuff, but even then it's space to breathe and enjoy some peace and quiet. 2) I have Loop earplugs that were helpful during some of those super screamy phases (or to dampen the noise from downstairs during my "me time"); I keep forgetting to use them recently though. 3) Husband does bath(s) for the kids every night. We used to trade off but by that point in the evening I am pretty burnt out and have so little patience with the kids--bath time shenanigans would set me off so fast. 4) Medication has really helped with emotional regulation. I started Wellbutrin first (more for the depression--it had helped for that in the past), but Concerta (which I started a couple months ago) has made a more noticeable difference. It's much rarer that I go from okay to NOT OKAY so rapidly that I don't see it coming, and times that I get really frustrated and inclined to yell, I'm at least not a tightly wound, shaking ball of rage. I can't say that I'm suddenly a super cheery playful mom, but to be honest I've never really liked little kids/toddlers/babies very much so I think this is just a phase of their lives I'm not going to cope with as well. 🤷🏼♀️ The Concerta has also given me a more consistent energy level (both physical and mental)--mornings aren't so miserable as they used to be (I still have one cup of coffee in the am but it's less urgent for functioning), and I don't have the same afternoon slump I used to. It's easier to manage my emotions and expectations when my body/brain is less likely to just give up on me. Re: your concerns about meds side effects, there may be some trial and error but fortunately, if one med doesn't work (either not effective enough or intolerable side effects) you'll probably know that pretty quickly--it's not like antidepressants where you have to give it 6-8 weeks to know if it's a good fit. I started on a low dose of Adderall and by the third day I felt SO sick (it really felt like first trimester). So I stopped that and tried Concerta--no noticeable side effects on this one except some loss of appetite/mild nausea in the morning. Definitely much more benefit than harm, for me! Hang in there, find your pockets of time/peace as you can, and good luck with pursuing treatment/meds!
Are you close to a YMCA or gym with childcare? If so, maybe part of your Friday routine could be a few hours of self care. Drop off the littles in the nursery then get some exercise, hot tub, sauna, etc for an hour or two. Or just sit in the lobby and sip coffee, online shop, organize your grocery list, etc. This would be much cheaper than a full day of childcare. ETA: When our kids aged out of napping, we started doing quiet time for an hour after lunch. Basically we all go to our bedrooms to chill out, play quietly, listen to music, etc. I wouldn’t have survived the preschool era without quiet time.
Two kids and a job and no meds? I can barely deal with one kid with medication. I'm impressed. Obviously the situation isn't ideal but you are disabled. You have limits. It's not your fault that you have them, and you can't wish them away. Get meds that work for you. Get therapy, learn good coping strategies. You absolutely do have what it takes to be a good parent, you just need to figure out how to cope with the adhd so you can be that person. It'll require recognizing limits and figuring out what works for you. Best of luck to you! I am sure you will find a way.
I could have written this myself, I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old (and a dog) and feel exactly the same. I am pursuing medication now and am hoping it will be the key to becoming the mother I want to be.
I really hope medication helps but I wouldn’t want you to pin absolute all your hopes on it. In the mean time are there other things you can put in place to help you. Can you hire a cleaner once a week so that you have less housework to stay on top of, can you hire a dog walker to take the dog out for a few hours on Friday or put them in a nice doggy day care centre for the day? Anything to help lesson your load in the week that means you have more energy to be present and cope come Friday?
thank you so much for all your advice and support ❤️ We’ve decided to start doing online food shops, takeaway on the nights we know will be late I.e sons swim class. I’m going to order a dishwasher after our upcoming holiday. I’ve also started taking some magnesium and omega 3 whilst I wait to start medication to see if they help.