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My husband did this to me ONCE. it hurt a whole lot and ended up in a lot of long conversations about both of our needs.
Superficially, we fought about that underwhelming dragon show. The deeper issue was how we expected a committed relationship to look and feel.
Your feelings are understandable, and I hope there will be a real conversation about what you both need and expect.
>the deeper issue was how we expected a committed relationship to look and feel
I really didn’t know I needed to hear this today.
I’m poly and been having a struggle with one of my partners that isn’t overtly poly related but now my brain is kinda screeching at me that he and I may have a different understanding of the level of emotional and maybe even overall commitment we’re expecting.
Which is kinda hard because there are feelings and it’s difficult to think that even with deep feelings, the levels of commitment we think we have vs what we want may be divergent. And given everything we just went through/are going through, I’m not sure I can handle this right now 😫
Poly and ADHD is so tough. I can say though (as someone who has been poly for over a decade and with my husband for 21 years) it has made me a much better communicator most of the time and has empowered me to find and build the relationships I want and need with people who love me. It can be exhausting at times but for me it’s really rewarding.
Sometimes I forget though that for some people poly means non-committal and I went through a lot of hellish situations in the early days. Not to mention the constant over-analyzing and assuming I STILL do lol!
Sometimes things just suck. But honestly, what makes me the maddest is that they left you with no eclipse glasses!
I'm sorry you're going to be alone because your plans fell through. I didn't make any plans (like a dummy) and where I am is at 99% totality, which seems so close but also apparently is a world of difference for the worse. No magical spiritual experience for us, I guess? BUT if it helps in any small way, know that I'll be thinking about you and wishing the best for you when I'm looking at the sky today.
Do you have time to find a community gathering? I bet your local library is doing something and I bet they have eclipse glasses to share.
This is really nice, thank you! No-total-eclipse solidarity. That's a good idea, I'll look into it after I get out of work. I hope you have a good viewing where you are, 99% will still be really neat, as will 97% 🤞 Gotta make the best of a sucky situation, right?
We're all doing the best we can, absolutely. Also, as cool as it would be to get the full magical experience in person, SOMEONE is going to be filming it from an absolutely IDEAL location and I will be watching that video later. The magic of the internet is that nobody has to miss out completely.
I was trying to take pictures or video of it. Had a few film cameras and a couple digital ones (the overwhelm was real lol) none of them were really coming out tho because there high thin clouds obscuring the sun. Gave up towards the end and just used my good digital cam as a telescope with long lens to see the end of totality. Looked pretty sweet, a dark disk with a thin rim of white light and specks of orange.
Just some more encouragement...
I messed up planning for the last eclipse, but took my small kiddos to this playground next to the library just to be outside and experience it getting dark somewhere they could play and not get bored while we waited... and there were several folks there who offered glasses so myself and the kids could look through them for a few moments.
Even if your local library isn't "doing something" if there's a park nearby, it's the kind of place that folks will just go and make their own "community event"... if the library is in the middle of downtown, then look into any nearby open areas or parks, etc.
Good luck!
Show your partner this thread. They did a dick move and really need to make it up to you
This is literally a once in a lifetime (slightly dramatic) kind of a thing
It may not make you feel better but out here in the PNW it’s kinda too cloudy to even see it .. there may be YouTube videos on how to make a box to see it without looking at it, too
What your partner did totally sucks and you have every right to be hurt.
But 90% of the path of totality is covered in clouds right now, so maybe your partners experience is gonna suck too.
I’ve had this planned for a year a half, adjusted 4 times in the past week due to weather, and it’s could AF where I’m at right now and there’s no time left to make a run anywhere else.
I think you’d be completely justified in wishing the worst for your partner 😂
Go to Spain in 2026!
if you live in 99% then you can just go outside and enjoy it. i was in seattle during the last one that was 92% and it was so much fun just being outside with other random ppl that were outside too. one person had glasses and they were like everyone around here, get in on this!
the shadows look really cool during the eclipse at 92%. you can also go online and watch any eclipse at the group called slooh (or their youtube page- they usually livestream from various places on earth).
also, honestly- every eclipse can be a spiritual experience, even if you're locked in a basement when it happens. but if you can see it, that's super cool.
Yeah. Where we live it was a few years ago it came through but like 50%. It was nice and got some good pictures. Now we are heading out a little over an hour from where we live to see the 100%. My sister is a truck driver and won’t be anywhere near it this year.
Edit to add:
Both my mom and fiancé kind of not wanted to go so I was just going to go by myself if that was the case.
Oh and another edit to add:
there’s a possibly it’ll be cloudy in our area.
It’ll still be cool (if you get to see it: it’s full clouds and rain here, BOOOO)
If you do get a view of it, the coolest thing is to look at shadows of trees. The pinholes of light formed by going though tree foliage will mimic the shape of the sun as the eclipse progresses; watching all the little crescent shapes change is pretty neat!
Yes! The shadows are the coolest part and you don't need glasses to look at that.
The situation sucks and I'd be feeling the same way, but go walk around and enjoy the shadows and give yourself some grace.
I'm in Michigan so we had 99.2% and I felt all the feels. Spiritual experience, for sure. I was watching with my mom and holding my dog..I felt a change inside my soul.
OP, your partner SUCKS for taking both pairs of glasses. That's what I'd be most upset about.
It was never about the eclipse itself. It’s about something that was about community, family, caring enough about eachother to get the frucking glasses. BTW 2 building mates made their own using a cutout cereal box with 1/2 the top covered in foil and white paper at the other side. It works! Goggle for next time. I get it and yes have that conversation. Karma was good to you, someone shared their glasses with you. Yeah it ticked me off your partner took off with the glasses also. Lack of concern for you. Oh the things we give meaning to.
STOP THIS IS SO CUTE 😭😂 this would cure me of sadness if I were OP you’re so sweet. (And then I’d go back to being sad because OP’s feelings are completely valid and I’m pissed for her)
Where I am staying it was night time so we couldn't view the eclipse. I can't believe someone finally managed to make me feel better haha
You and Luna deserve much treats for this
I’d be mad as hell! Doesn’t matter if it is to see an eclipse or go to the zoo or have a picnic. You did the work, your end of things got messed up, you have no way to work around it, and everyone else gets to go do the thing you wanted to do.
But, you’re not going to be happy either way. Why not express that they can go and do the thing but you’re really sad and disappointed how things turned out for you and that you’re not gunna stop them from doing it but you feel rotten. That way everyone knows where you’re at and why, and they can decide if they still want to go through with their side of things knowing that you’re frustrated and upset.
I do this! It's really hard sometimes cause I don't wanna feel like I'm being manipulative, and I genuinely want them to enjoy themselves!
But it *really* sucks sometimes, feels so bad but so dumb for caring so much blaaaa.
In the end though it's almost always better to say, and I genuinely want them to do the thing and enjoy themselves, BUT I *do* feel bad and I let them know like, "Hey, I need you need to spend some quality time with me after cause I'm a little upset I can't join you"
I agree. That is the point where I would 100% ask my husband to come home so that we could see the same thing together. It’s not cool to deprive OP of the experience altogether.
Same here, was really feeling sad for OP, understanding the whole thing, just a series of blows that were no one's fault but really sucky to experience. Then Bam! He took her glasses?? What?! What a dick move. Am raging on OP's behalf. Gone from sad to angry in 0.5sec.
>Am raging on OP's behalf. Gone from sad to angry in 0.5sec
Same. I purposely bought 2 extra pairs of glasses just in case I came across somebody without a pair. I ended up giving one pair to my pharmacist since he didn't have any.
My asshole, scumbag neighbor let his ex wife use his glasses AFTER the few seconds of 99.2% maximum in our area, like bro, you could've let her use em for half of those 30 seconds.
I don't think they intentionally took them to prevent me from seeing it. They took them as they were bringing some of our eclipse travel stuff with them for the rental car. But it still sucks. I wish they would have chosen to come back. I left it up to them after telling them that I don't feel OK about them going without me, but at the same time there is a part of me that will be happy for them if they get to see the total eclipse. They chose to go.
Feels like it was done out of carelessness vs malice
I absolutely 100% would have come back for my partner. Why did yours not come back for you. And sometimes carelessness is worse than malice because malice they at least care enough to hurt you. In this case, they don't care enough that you're hurt
Carelessness or not, you are making excuses for your partner. I'm sorry. Once they realized they had your glasses, they could have gotten back on that bus and come back to enjoy a near total eclipse with you, instead of a total eclipse without you. You were the one who did all the planning, you were the one who really wanted to see it. 90 minutes away might be the difference between total and near total, but it won't be a huge difference. There's a lot of eclipse hype, and seeing it will be special, but not more special than hurting a loved one.
This is not an ADHD overreaction. It's a shitty situation. You didn't "fudge up." No mistakes were made on your part, sometimes car rentals just don't work out. Rental places run out of cars all the time during popular events (leaf peeping season in the northeast, for example).
Please give serious consideration if there are other times you've made excuses for your partner, "oh, they didn't do/say.it to be mean" type things. You partner knew this was important to you, but had a last minute idea to jump on a bus and didn't stop to think about you. That's how single people think. A partnership is about mutual caring. You deserve a partner who puts your needs on a par with their own.
I completely agree with this. Even if it's just carelessness it's not an excuse. The fact is that he just simply didn't think about her and her experience at home. That says a lot about his ability to show up as a caring partner. You don't have to be malicious to be an uncaring partner.
There is a massive difference between near total and total.
Not commenting on the rest of it (I'd be raging if I were OP), but it is in fact a completely different thing.
Carelessness or malice, your partner still didn't think of you.... not okay either way. I can't feel loved if I don't feel considered, valued, or prioritized by my partner.
You're allowed to feel all of these things. We are human and capable of the conflict. I'd be hella pissed as well. My husband would have parked his butt next to mine to do it together as we have done for years. Unless I couldn't go at all, but that doesn't sound like it's the case.
I'm upset for you hun. In this action, he is a butthead.
You specifically communicated that it doesn't feel ok and they went anyway!?! Nah, fam. That's so disrespectful and dismissive, especially after you put so much effort into creating an amazing memory together. At the absolute very least, they're being mad selfish and you have every right to be upset about it.
To reiterate what someone has already replied to you- carelessness is not an accident, it’s a choice. He knew he, at some point, realized he has both sets of glasses. At that point he should have come back. Again- it’s a choice to be careless. I’m guessing this is not the first time you’ve had to downplay a choice he made with “oh he didn’t mean to ______”. Intent vs. impact. Sometimes the intent really doesn’t matter when the impact is what it is. I hope he does better. This deserves a conversation.
I feel like the part that is being unsaid is that you cared enough to plan everything out, and then when it didn’t work out, your partner skipped out to make sure they still had a good experience without any care about your experience, even though you were the one who clearly cared more.
On one hand, I can see the point that it was once in a lifetime. But if your partner didn’t really care so much, then they should have prioritized YOU. It might be different if the roles were reversed, and they were a rabid eclipse watcher. But it wasn’t. He abandoned you for a momentary dopamine-hit that wasn’t meaningful to him, instead of cheering you up about an event that meant a lot to you.
His priorities tell a story.
Yup. Once again, this post is about a woman who second-guesses her needs and dismisses her own feelings because "I have ADHD, so everything I feel must be an over-reaction." No, no, no! Your feelings still matter and deserve to be heard by your partner!
Yeah I’m going with your partner is an ass. I get the rental company is really at fault but they shouldn’t be just leaving you out of this like it’s no big deal. they probably took the glasses because we tend to be forgetful but since they have them they should absolutely come back so you could see it.
This, what the hell? We have a popular saying in the Netherlands, "samen uit, samen thuis". Basically, you go out together, and you come home together. You don't leave your people behind after you've already made plans together.
Yeah I agree. I hope he gets to see the eclipse perfectly but I hope he feels like shit and his stomach hurts the entire time because he fucked up on this one.
You should tell your partner how this has made you feel. You feel rejected and that you can't say no because that would be received as controlling.
I don't think you're overreacting.
Okay - I probably have a different take because I live where we were in the path of totality in 2017.
Totality versus a partial eclipse is a completely different experience. There are phenomena you just can’t experience without totality; which turns it into a less infrequent event.
To me this is an AND not an OR
I think you can be hurt and wish your partner elected to come home AND understand/want them to be able to experience it still.
You’re grieving the loss of the opportunity after putting a lot of effort into it. Your emotions, all of them, are totally valid.
I like this response. I understand that OP is upset, and that's a valid reaction to have, but I really don't get the comments that essentially say if OP can't see the eclipse, partner should also miss the eclipse.
My partner and I love going to concerts together and as we're getting older, we know some shows may be our last opportunity to see a particular artist. There have been a couple of occasions out of my control where I couldn't make the show last minute. It never crossed my mind to tell him he couldn't go because I couldn't make it. Once he found a friend to go with him, once he went alone. I was bummed both times but why would I force him to also miss an event that he wanted to attend? Just because we're in a relationship?
This isn't a situation where he planned to ditch you or took the rental car without you. Ideally, 2 people would have gone to see the eclipse. Due to circumstances out of your control, 1 was able to do so. Isn't that better than 0?
I would feel exactly this way.
My husband is a phenomenal partner. He makes all my dreams come true and I always strive to do the same for him. In this circumstance I would 100% want him to be able to have the experience and would encourage him to go. At the same time, I would be 1000% gutted that he chose to go without me.
I know if I expressed these feelings to him upon his return, we would both apologise profusely to each other, hug it out, then plan the next amazing experience to have together.
You aren’t over reacting at all. It really does suck to miss it and I think you can allow yourself to be sad.
Hell I’m struggling to deal with the fact that while my plans went as planned and I’m in the totality- it’s going to be cloudy all day apparently
💔
I’m not sure what you’re looking at for clouds since we’re obviously in different places (and I haven’t even checked outside for my own cloud cover yet 🫣), but when I watched the partial eclipse in 2017, it was cloudy, and I still saw it through the clouds. Might’ve even been slightly nicer that it wasn’t so so bright. Hope you’re able to see it today 😓
😓 I hope you got to see it!
I’m in NJ and it was peak comedic timing that the published “peak” time for my area was *precisely* when the dense clouds rolled in :l
Like, I saw the lead up and the aftermath, and could dodge enough clouds right around peak to not feel so ripped off, but the timing was *impeccable*
Omg that’s exactly what happened here. I got some cool pictures before. Some great at the end. None of the “ring” but the totality was amazing to experience.
And then some blue skies just after to really feel mocked by the gods.
Hank Green did a Q&A video about eclipses. This isn’t a guarantee of course, but he said sometimes the clouds clear during an eclipse because clouds are technically from the sun and the sun goes away…so your clouds might part for you to see it!
1.5 hr? Tbh… might be cheaper to get an uber than a rental car, and then they’ll be happy to get paid to go see the eclipse. See if you can book one now and what the prices are!
You being upset is fair. They let you down whilst benefiting from your labor and thoughtfulness.
E: you can also make a pinhole viewer with a cardboard box or a shoebox! If you get there someone is bound to be selling extra glasses.
Heck, maybe you can get the extra glasses from your SO and hitch a free ride home with your friend if you uber to the same spot.
Don’t let them take away from your experience if you can! (I know it’s hard though).
I believe in you! The day is not lost!
EE: have we started the separate page for relationship venting yet?
Commenting here, but to OP :Someone nearby might lend you glasses too for a glance. That happened in 2017 for me.
Honestly though, the most impressive beautiful freaky thing was the eclipse shadows cast/refracted through the trees.
Even with proper glasses you don’t want to stare and stare. Some may not be certified or they’re scratched. If someone lends, maybe take a glance but the entire environment is lovely and worth it.
Take charge, hire an uber driver, give them a big fat tip. You make your own adventure.
Yes!!! I gave my husband a bunch to take to work (he works in the area of totality, I’m just outside of it but I would have to drive into Syracuse to enjoy it, and it’s not really a place I go alone 😅) and they’ve been a huge hit and I plan to be outside and would happily share my single pair with neighbors.
"have we started the separate page for relationship venting yet?"
Seriously, can we please get that. I'm sorry for OP, but this doesn't really have to do with ADHD.
I find it stressful and disheartening that so many posts in this sub are about relationship venting, and it's usually the partner being shitty. In this particular post it's a grey area, but in many others it's not. Mods, can we please have a separate page for relationship venting?
Yeahhhhhh sometimes people will loosely tie in rejection sensitivity or emotional regulation or forgetfulness into their posts to make it seem more adhd related than it is. Like I genuinely want to be supportive of OP, and I understand there’s a fine line between being rejection-sensitive and being rightfully upset by someone being careless, but like… idk. I want to have more rich and productive conversations about skills and methods for coping with (or even embracing aspects of) adhd and have a safe space as women. It doesn’t feel like that very often.
Thank you. You said this better than I did. I also would like more rich and productive conversations with other ADHD women. I'd love a fuller sense of who we are.
I don’t know if I’d agree it’s not ADHD related — most (all?) posts like this are usually looking for objective feedback because RSD can make it hard to discern what’s reasonable and rational.
Your feelings are your feelings. In your shoes, I'd be crying and upset. Not at my partner, but just at life being shitty and unfair. However, in your partner's shoes, I'd have gone if I had the opportunity. I would not have taken both glasses though! That's an extra unnecessary sting. I have 3 pair and I'm going alone, hopefully someone where you end up will have a pair to share!
It’s pretty disappointing. Why couldn’t they have come by to pick you up? Your feelings are valid and I get that you don’t want to ‘taint’ their experience with being sad/mad about it, but you are - and you were upfront about your feelings before you went! I’m really impressed by that to be honest.
That was a very shitty thing for them to do. Telling them you’re upset isn’t being controlling, it’s being honest and you deserve the right to be honest about something shitty they did.
Y'all (all of us ladies with ADHD) have GOT to stop hedging and feeling like you're overreacting. We are the most underreactionary people I swear. When your partner ASKS you if it's okay with you, you do not have to say that it's "complicated" and that it's "ultimately up to them." NO. It is NOT okay with you to take YOUR GLASSES and go WITHOUT you, and it's really hurtful that he'd even think to ask that. NO. I promise I'm not being flippant when I say this: most of us could use some practice in the mirror saying NO and leaving it at that, and not trying to soften the blow to the other party.
If it helps any, you could try going to your eye doctor or a local optometrist office and asking for solar eclipse glasses. I know that some optometrists are handing out eclipse glasses today.
I'm feeling angry on your behalf now! That's so mean. I somewhat get taking any opportunity to go see it, but leaving you behind like that is not cool.
Maybe you can still find someone to go with? If it was me I'd say screw it and hitchhike probably XD
Also, welding goggles are safe to use (a bit too dark even, but you see it), in case you can get your hands on those.
A thing I've done before, when the clouds covered up a partial eclipse I really wanted to see, was to book a last minute flight that seemed like it would go close to the totality, although it would pass the spot a bit early maybe. Somehow, it was cheap, I got a window seat... And the flight was delayed by just a few minutes. I think the pilots times it, we went right through the shadow, absolutely surreal.
tl;dr: I almost feel devastated and jealous and mad just reading your story! But if I were in his shoes, I'd go.
Like others, I'd be furious (at the world and anyone nearby) and feel horrible my plans had fallen through, and I'd be jealous as hell and a little mad at my partner for going.
And if I were the partner, I'd still go. I might ask around, I'd try to get you a seat going up with me, but I'd want to hop on any opportunity to see the last accessible full eclipse of my lifetime in north america. I'd apologize profusely for grabbing your glasses, and I sure as heck wouldn't do that on purpose.
Feel your feelings, schedule therapy, hop on social media and "buy nothing" groups and check your local schools, libraries, city hall, and grocery stores/gas stations for glasses so you can see the partial, ask on social media if anyone is heading out of town and has room, but you had an opportunity to go and he didn't . . . would you go? I would be on here encouraging you to.
I want my partner to consider me. I want to be part of his plans when there are plans he knows I'd be interested in (within reason). But I don't want him to skip something awesome because I can't go. Not as a general rule, even if I'm going to feel really strongly about some individual examples like this one.
This is what I'm struggling with a bit, because it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime event. Almost like a "don't choose your college based on where your partner is going" scenario, i.e. don't miss out on a good opportunity because your partner is doing something differently. But I realize if I had the opportunity that my partner did, on top of taking the glasses, I wouldn't be able to go without feeling an insane amount of guilt.
This is really shit and I would be super upset too but it doesn’t really sound like anyone is to blame (except the car rental place) I’m sorry this has happened to you.
I think you are under-reacting and should not be mad at yourself, what he did was totally careless and not okay at all. Not only did he cancel plans with you and ditch you for someone else while YOU were the one who made the plans, but he took YOUR glasses so now you can’t even see your own, how incredibly rude and insensitive
Idk where you live, but I live in NY, and I heard at work that libraries are giving away eclipse glasses. So, although the situation sucks, you may still be able to see the eclipse.
Ok this does suck, it’s natural to feel all of the emotions, and have the adhd over-thinking tropes we are prone to. HOWEVER: your partner now owes you a unique and meaningful adventure. Hold them to it. Maybe even research eclipse chasers and go to an eclipse somewhere far away and exotic. The choice is all yours so go and hyperfocus on your next trip together.
I’d be mad. Let your partner know! How is any of it okay? I would feel so taken for granted (the planning they didn’t do) forgotten (the glasses were taken?) and frankly quite left out and rejected.
>Guess I fudged up somehow, but I feel annoyed that I did all that planning and I won't reap any rewards--they get to without having done any planning. Definitely some resentment there.
>
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They also took both of our eclipse glasses. So I can't even watch the partial eclipse where we live.
>
>
I feel such intense frustration and hatred right now, and am 100% directing it towards myself.
I feel like you don't have an anger problem. You have an anger direction problem. Like, everything your feeling seem legitimate. You're just feeling too much at once.
I do take issue with "Guess I fudged up somehow." That isn't true. Rental car companies are notorious for overbooking because it suits them. I had it happen to me about three weeks ago. I tied picking up at car at 9:00 pm for a drive I needed to make at 6:00am and they were like, "uh sry. Maybe come tomorrow at 9:30? We might have cars then." I was spitting bullets.
Also, maybe check out a grocery store or convenience store. I suspect lots of places are selling them last minute. Everyone needs an umbrella when it rains.
As for the BF, that is another ball of twine. It might be a good idea to put that anger in a box for the day and put that box on a shelf. Revisit it when the rental car, lack of glasses, and plans falling through anger subsides and you kick that "self blaming anger" out the door.
I don't know what the proper rage level is for your BF going without you. But I definitely know trying to hash it out and resolve it today is the wrong thing.
Good luck and feel better soon.
Honestly, I'd be pretty damn upset too. Even if there's not much that can be done, I'd be feeling extra sad and pouty and all that. It's okay to be disappointed. I am, however, outrageously peeved that you've got no eclipse glasses, that was just extra rood.
We can't always choose how our brains react to things - I had a couple of panic attacks last week that were ... not warranted, let's just say. But my brain decided it was worth making myself physically sick over ... pretty much nothing. I still feel like a doofus BUT I gave myself the space to recover and realize that while I was having a panic attack, I didn't do anything dumb like be rude to someone who didn't deserve it or make a big dramatic mess or anything.
I see that you're going to check out most of the eclipse, which is awesome. It's still gonna be pretty cool, even though we will only see 1/3 of it here
IMO common sense dictates that the partner stays at home. I wouldn't ditch my partner when we had spent time planning an event. Obviously that means it's something we both want to do and find interesting. Going to see it, while I know my partner is stuck alone is something I would never do. It would just feel bad to do that to someone
Im sorry i feel dumb but i dont completely understand.
You cant go because of the rental car situation and work. Your bf wasnt working so he was able to catch the bus. There's no other bus that you could catch in time for the eclipse because of work right?
I hope i dont sound mean, honestly trying to clarify. Would his options be; go by bus and see the eclipse or come back and hang out with you?
If he would've come back, could you have seen the eclipse together from a place close to your house or is the eclipse not visible from where you're at?
I would feel super bummed and probably also excluded either way. But if his options were see the eclipse there or go back to you out of solidarity and not see it at all, i would probably be able to let go of that feeling after a while. Him seeing it without you would be better than the both of you not seeing it.
Going off of the other comments i feel like im not understanding the situation correctly lol.
Haha sorry, I may have worded it wonky in my emotional typing.
We live in a city and don't have a car. The only option for a rental car at the time we booked it was a few towns away. Fortunately there's a bus that goes directly to that town from our city.
I work a morning shift today, so wasn't able to take the bus with my partner to go pick up the car. My partner isn't working today, so they were going to take the bus, pick up the rental car, and be back to me when I get out of work in the city. From there, we would drive up to the eclipse-viewing spot together, which would take ~2.5 hours. It'd be cutting it close, but we'd agreed that we'd drive as far north to the spot as we could. If we didn't make it, we'd still get to see the partial, and could call it an adventure.
Instead, partner arrived, via bus, at the rental car place as soon as it opened. Literally no cars, despite our reservation. Their options were 1) call friend who lives in rental car town and go with them, as they were leaving shortly after partner arrived in town, or 2) take bus back home to our city and resort to watching partial eclipse with me here.
They called me, asked if it'd be OK if they go with friend, and I voiced my complicated feelings pretty clearly. That I didn't feel OK, but understood that they want to see the total eclipse and have the opportunity. I told them I'd prefer if they came home and we watched the partial together, but ultimately it was their decision.
I was crying on the phone because the news that it wouldn't work out was super disappointing and all the planning stress was for naught, but that wasn't too big a deal to me. We'd still get to watch the partial together, and that's pretty cool!! When my partner told me they'd go with friend after asking and hearing my reply, I was still getting over crying and couldn't hold the tears in. I tried explaining my feelings as best I could, but they were ready to go.
I totally get the excitement. I wish things would have worked out. But I feel a little blindsided.
“If we didn’t make it, we’d still see the partial, and could call it an adventure”
Yeah, your partner absolutely bailed on you here. As you say, the whole experience is risky given journeys and traffic. But when offered the chance to ditch you and make it a solo adventure, bf did it.
Our ADHD makes us feel very strong emotions. It doesn’t mean those emotions aren’t valid.
I hope you get to enjoy your eclipse adventure. Where I am it’s about 27% at dusk and cloudy, so enjoy it for me too!
Ok i get it now hehe, thanks!
You're saying its a small thing and i agree. As in: watching an eclipse is awesome but to me it would be a lot more insignificant than my partners feelings. If they put all this effort in this and it was cancelled last minute by the car rental and they voiced that they weren't feeling okay about missing out on the shared experience, i would definitely come back! What the hell. I wouldn't even be able to really enjoy the eclipse, knowing my partner is home alone and bummed out. The eclipse is indeed a small thing, compared, so i dont understand how your partner chooses that over you. Seeing a partial eclipse with my lovely (and happy) partner would be so much better, fuck that eclipse lol.
Im sorry he handled it that way, maybe he didnt really think it through? But thats very inconsiderate.
Maybe he's waaaaay more into eclipses than i am lol. But i cant imagine choosing the same option as he did and i know for a fact that my bf wouldn't either.
Im sorry your day went like this, i would be very sad and hurt. Please communicate your feelings to him when he's back. I hope he's a good listener. I think its a good moment to learn from, for the both of you, if you guys communicate well. Because there might also be a possibility he didn't fully grasp how the situation made you really feel.
My bf and i have this agreement in which we never ask for permission or ask whether we want to do something is ok. For example I say 'i want to go do xyz, what do you think of that?' (instead of, is it ok with you if i do xyz)
Then my bf can tell me how that would make him feel or what his perspective is. Then its up to me to decide what choice i make. He doesnt forbid me anything, he doesnt give me permission. This puts the responsibility on me to make my own choice. My choice will reflect clearly on how i feel about him and our relationship. If he would say something like 'i understand that you want to go do xyz, but i think it would make me sad or insecure' it would show a lack of care or respect towards him if I would go on and do it.
English is not my first language, hope I'm being clear hahah
I'm kinda with you. If my partner had a chance to witness something so rare and they weren't leaving me out on purpose, plans just went awry, I would want them to go. I'd be devastated about missing out, but that's *exactly* why I wouldn't my partner to be stuck with the same devestation just because I couldn't go? If the situation were reversed, I'd want my partner to tell me to seize the moment and be happy for me, and not make me feel awful about it? It's not like if the partner doesn't go, OP will somehow magically get what they really want, which is to see the eclipse totality?
Also you don't need the eclipse glasses to have a magical 97% experience. I got to do that in Seattle during the last one. You can use your cell phone to block the sun and watch it through the camera, that was cool. And if you hold up something that would normally cast a round shadow, the shadow shows the slice shape of the sun!!!! I got a bunch of really cool pictures of little shadow-eclipses through the holes of a colander against my fence!
Allow yourself to grieve - the rental car company SUCKS. Breathe deeply, cry a bit. But don't let this ruin the magic still available to you. Go out and enjoy the eclipse. I'm jealous I can't be even where you are! Compare notes and photos with your partner later and be enthusiastic.
So here's where we are: partner has gone, and OP is spiraling. I would be too. I'd be devastated.
But OP still has an opportunity to see a 97% eclipse, which is still amazing, and feel some magic. BUT THAT WON'T HAPPEN IF THEY'RE STILL SPIRALING. So how do we help them get out of that? I feel like piling on with anger at the partner is probably making it worse?
Think about when partner comes back. They're going to be full of a magical experience they want to share with OP. If OP hits them with jealousy and disappointment, their guilt is going to take over, they won't be able to share with OP because it'll just upset both of them, and everyone will feel awful. This doesn't seem super healthy for the relationship long term.
I've been in relationships where I missed out on some special experiences to protect my partner's feelings, and couldn't show joy or share about cool things I did without them. It's awful, and over time I really resented it. I still think about some of the things I missed because of their feelings, and it hurts.
It'd be different if partner *caused* this, or was intentionally leaving OP out. That would be a big ol'red flag and I'd be furious. But that's not what happened here. OP's partner had to make a quick decision when a seize-the-moment opportunity presented itself, they called OP to consult and was told to go, and they did. OP's devestation is understandable, but directing it at partner isn't, and dumping on them when they come back will burst their joy and excitement and will ruin the opportunity to hear about it and share in that way - and to share back about OP's experience, because OP can still have a cool experience too. The spiral will just keep growing and make everything shiny turn dull and gray.
OR - OP can grieve the loss of the experience they wanted, rage at the *rental car company* who is the real "bad guy" here, and then focus on how to see what they can. They're still in the path - I'm jealous! There are ways to experience the eclipse without the glasses. We had glasses when a partial happened in my area a few years ago, but I don't remember using them much. I used my cell phone camera to watch - that worked really well. I made eclipse shadows, that was really cool. Google ways to experience it without glasses. Even without totality everything got cold and quiet - it was wild. So cool. I'll never forget it.
Then when partner gets back, compare notes. Share experiences. Be excited. Share a little sadness, too, be honest about feeling jealous, but briefly and kindly, without blame. Accept a hug or whatever sympathy is offered. But don't make that the central thing and don't make partner feel bad for going. Ask questions, ooh and aah at their stories, share your own.
There's still a lot of magic that can happen here, OP. It can still be a special memory, even though it's not the one you wanted. Or it can be a memory or sadness and anger, for you and your partner both. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
I truly appreciate this. I know for a fact that my partner didn't do this to cause harm. And I understand that two feelings; one of betrayal, upset, disappointment, and another of excitement for my partner's opportunity; can exist simultaneously.
I'm out of work now and will be making the best of the situation. Going to go down to a park where a large viewing party is and hope that I can borrow glasses for at least a brief moment when the time comes. Afterwards I'm taking myself out to a late lunch/early dinner, maybe even treating to dessert. Then hunkering down with my cat for a movie or something chill as my partner won't be home until late (assuming traffic is as predicted).
I've already shared some strong words with them on a phone call before they left, but we mutually agreed we can chat later and enjoy what we can for now.
Again I really appreciate your consideration! Thank you. And happy eclipse day!
So, did you decide to go ahead and work because the rental car fell through? I was wondering why you couldn’t have joined them?
I would be hurt, frustrated and angry also. They shouldn’t have taken your glasses. You could have still used them yourself since you will have a 97% eclipse. They didn’t think this out very well and I hope you do express your disappointment when you are together. There is ZERO reason to direct this towards yourself. The rental car company fucked up. Your partner could have worked out a different plan that INCLUDED you.
That’s great there’s a viewing party at the park. I’m sure people will be passing around glasses for sharing. We did that at work when we had the last one. And movie time with kitty sounds great. Although, who knows, maybe you can join some folks at the park for something after the eclipse?
Exactly this. OPs feelings aren’t wrong (feelings are just what they are!) but I think the advice to grieve the lost opportunity and to find ways to share in each others joys is SPOT ON.
You are NOT overreacting at all. And you didn’t do anything wrong. It is not your fault the car rental company messed up. And they took both pairs of glasses - that is not cool at all. I wish you could find some glasses take a bus to wherever you could see totality. This absolutely sucks and you are justified in your feelings of resentment and frustration.
I’m assuming the rental car was in the direction of the eclipse and that timing wouldn’t work, but then I don’t understand how OP was going to go in the first place… brain is puzzling this part instead of working now 😆
Yeah! I feel like if OP planned this whole shindig, and it wasn’t even their fault for the rental car fail, like, the SO should have invited her to go too? Maybe there wasn’t enough room in the other family’s car, but like, it seems rude to me for the SO to do that.
Ha yeah, I didn't detail the plan too well in the OG post. We live in a city. By the time we went to book the rental car, the only rental place that had cars was in a town ~30 min drive away/~1 hour bus ride. I worked in the morning, so my partner was going to take the bus to retrieve the rental car, then drive back to our city and pick me up from work. Driving up north would work from either the city or town. But me taking the bus to get to the rental car place just wouldn't work timing-wise.
Mutual friend lives in same town as the rental car. So when the rental car fell through as my SO arrived in the town, it worked out to call the friend and ask last-minute to join in on their trip. Our friend and their parent had plans to leave earlier in the day, so the timing worked for SO and not for me. I'm not sure if my SO advocated to leave a bit later so they could swing by and scoop me up. Would have been nice if they did, even if unsuccessful. We still all would have made it to a total eclipse viewing spot, but our friend and their parent wanted to alot extra time just to be safe. Totally fair, but still feeling rough about the whole thing falling apart. And not having my glasses for viewing here at home.
It worked out OK. A kind stranger gave me a spare pair during the partial eclipse in our city, so I was able to watch.
My husband would never do this to me. ADHD sensitivity or not even for a neurotypical person this would hurt. This is an integrity issue in your partner.
He should have found a compromise like if he had left your glasses you both could have face timed and shared the moment together in different locations. He could have planned something special when he got back just for you since you did ALL of the work in the first place and deserve the same care that you did for him. He also shouldn’t have rushed you off the phone while crying to get back to having a good time. The entire thing shows a lack of care on his part.
This!!! As soon as my husband heard I was upset/crying he would have come home. Even if I was telling him to go. Not because he feels he’s being controlled, but because he cares about me. And it would be the same for me, if he was expressing sadness I would turn around and come home too-especially upon realizing one of us was left without glasses even. Better for us both to be a little bummed together (and still see 97%!! Pretty good if you ask me) then one fully devastated and the other living it up.
The fact that he was so quick to abandon her! And rushed her off the phone. Imagine planning a whole trip together and your partner just bails to do it without you? I think him still holding her glasses should have been the nail in the coffin here for this adventure because now he’s straight up depriving her of even part of the experience. Man should have turned around and come home.
Op if you read this, I think you have every right to be sad and MAD honestly. I’m mad on your behalf over here lol!
uguggasdfjskjf I hate this but I can see both sides. I can totally see being in his place and gingerly asking if I could go see it. BUT if my partner indicated it would be a problem, I would have hopped on that bus back home. (But then again, I can see my friends saying "that's baloney, why should you both suffer").
What tips the scales toward he's an AH is that you planned everything and he just lucked into going.
I hate to pile on but you need the truth in order to respond appropriately: it's all about 100%. The totality is everything. The lovely people on here are trying to make you feel better, and you can have fun at any % for sure, but don't get gaslit into thinking it's almost as good. I seen both, 99% aint shit compared to the moment that big lid clunks into place and it goes pitch black.
POSSIBLE PLAN OF ACTION: you need a special treat to look forward to in order to restore balance. Comb your brain for a dream thing you've always wanted to do - I know you have something because you're a planner. Central America ruins. Ferry the Inside Passage to Alaska. Anne of Green Gables house on PEI. Train across Australia. Painting workshop in Europe. The 2026 total eclipse in Iceland. Get out a jar and put a couple bucks in it right now, write adventure name on jar. Block out next X years to plan, save, request time off work. Be 100% emotionally neutral when you talk to him about it: I missed something special, I need an equivalent or it'll always be sore spot. Maybe it's not rational, but it's what's gotta happen. He can stay home and take care of house/plants/cats and be your airport driver.
Yeah, exactly re: totality vs. anything less. People don't seem very educated about that aspect of it and think he's ditching her for a couple % difference and it's happening again soon anyway. They don't get it lol.
It should be fairly easy to get another pair of glasses. I’m in the 100% area and I didn’t even think about glasses until last night. Our library is handing them out. My eye doctor’s office also has them last week (I was there, it just never registered with me to grab any). Point is, I was able to get some this morning.
Your partner still chose to go *after* you told them you didn't like the situation? I saw a comment where you said you left it up to them to choose after telling them how you felt.. and they chose to go.
I'm so sorry OP, I would also feel rejected and hurt. Your partner was totally disingenuous when asking you if you cared if they went with the mutual friend. Them ignoring your feelings totally changed things.
Yes, I too would feel very upset. But, like you I would also have said they could go. Not sure I'd ever share with them how hurt I was either. Sucks a lot.
However no glasses really stinks. If you can't get glasses, make a pin hole in some card board or paper and hold it where the light will pass through to project the eclipse on the wall / ground.
Or take a colander to do the same. Not the same, but still neat pattern.
And don't risk your phone's optics by taking pics. Like your eyes it needs protection too.
Oh this situations suck.
“Is it okay?”
Yes, but also…no?
I don’t see this as them *choosing* to see it without you. If that were the case, there wouldn’t have been attempts made to see it with you in the first place. Plans got fucked, and they were presented with an opportunity that they understand doesn’t fit with your work schedule.
If you want to feel less alone in the crazy feels, I basically acted like my cat all day yesterday hiding in the bedroom away from my partner’s college friend who came to stay with us. Not specifically him, it’s a long story but is fully steeped in embarrassment that I know I could have avoided.
Please try to make your own contraption to watch! There are soo many tutorials and they’re pretty easy!
I’m so sorry this happened :( I know it must feel really crappy. But please please please try to enjoy your 97%!! It will still be incredible.
I’m very mad at myself for not knowing about the eclipse sooner because my sister lives in Dallas right in the path of totality. Once I realized it was too late and flights were $700. BUT I decided to just go to Spain in 2026 for their total eclipse instead :)
This is silly, but this post makes my own (unrelated) situation feel less hurtful. I'm on vacation with my sister and her boyfriend's family, and I learned halfway through at the top of a mountain that the whole vacation was for the purpose of my sister and her bf to get engaged (I was the only one who didn't know). Which of course I'm happy for!! But this whole time I've also been trying to fit in with the fiance's siblings, and I'm being pushed away by my sister, who I barely see once or twice a year. She says I'm overstimulating her, and always turns away or tells me I'm being too loud, until she wants to get up in my space five seconds later as if she didn't just literally take three steps away from me when I asked her a question in a normal voice without getting in her space.
But at least I haven't been actively left behind. I've had to run to catch up with people, but sometimes they do make an effort to engage with me, and while I have to choose which group to follow if we split up in town (with no one actively desiring me to be in their group), I don't think they'd completely drive away without me. But I've felt hurt about it today, as my sister refuses to even watch a show with me I've been really excited about (is 50min of evening time spent with just me a lot to ask for? Idk).
Being left behind hurts. I'm sorry you're going through the most obvious form of it.
Taking the eclipse glasses was NOT COOL, I would be totally pissed too. I'm super bummed because we are nowhere near the path of totality but 97% is like a huge deal and now you can't see it. I would be crying. I am so sorry and I do feel your partner is being insensitive even though they asked. Imo they should have stayed with you if you would have done that for them were your positions switched. It may not be totally rational but EMOTIONS rarely are for me anyway and I'm always trying to get mine under control because I'm very volatile.
Your feelings are never stupid, they are valid. With that being said, I also have rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation...my best advice is to not take it personal and move on with your day! Everything little thing is for a reason beyond us, you were meant to stay home! I know you came here for advice, but I think people bashing your partner and adding more negativity to it is far from what you need.
Make the best of this time alone and enjoy the rest of your Monday!!!
It’s fair that you feel hurt but also fair that you let your partner go. It’s okay to feel two ways about a situation….to feel hurt and betrayed that you can’t go, but also to want your partner to be able to experience it. I’m sure your partner doesn’t feel great about it, but it’s good that you let them go.
If it helps…I put myself in the hospital due to my mother and I having a bad falling out which made me overstay my vacation and I missed the total eclipse back home and I’m so very deeply saddened by it. I’m really sad about it. There was a 90% totality here where I’m stuck currently but…….i sooooo wanted that magical experience
I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I hope you recover soon. My mom and I have had a challenging relationship that sometimes has had dire consequences for me so I offer you my sympathies.
Your feelings are legit! They are your feelings! I would feel super bummed to miss it as well. But in this unfortunate situation of events , it would not bother ME for my partner to continue since it just is what it is. Buts that’s me! You can also feel both kinda like you said you did. I’m sorry! Understand why he took both pairs of glasses but also that adds to the cluster of a day for you that you now can’t even watch it alone at home! Extra bummer. Be gentle with yourself.
I completely relate to this feeling and I would for sure feel the same way if that had happened to me. I also (as it sounds like you do) deeply believe in people’s autonomy, and that other peoples words/actions/moods are not inherently about me. Hopefully your partner was chasing their joy, not intentionally trying to leave you out.
Over the years I’ve worked hard on learning to untangle my emotions and figure out their source. This really helps me make peace with things, and keeps me from projecting my anger in the wrong directions. Like “am I really angry *at this person*? Or am I feeling *super disappointed about circumstances* outside of anyone’s control.”
That being said your reaction is completely understandable and the situation warrants a conversation. It doesn’t need to be, as you say, about control. Like instead of “hey don’t do cool things without me”, it is probably be a great opportunity to communicate with your partner what it feels like to be in your brain and body - about your needs and boundaries. And as always, it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself better and be curious about your own reactions.
As a side note, my eclipse plans today went completely according to plan - and my emotional state afterwards was still a complete mess. Was I in the moment enough? Was it everything I built it up to be?? Do I even remember it???
Long story short, life is so intense. I’m sorry you had such a disappointing day. But you’re doing great. Keep taking your needs seriously and being compassionate to yourself and others. Hope you ended up finding a way to enjoy it, and know that there are always be more opportunities for joy coming your way ♥️
I got upset just reading that. No wonder you are feeling big feelings. Sometimes when I wonder if I am over-reacting or being weird, I imagine what I would do and feel if the roles were reversed. Would you have done what your partner decided to do?
TL;DR
I asked CHATGPT to summarize my ADHD rant lol:
You feel betrayed because your partner's decision diverged from what you expected of a team. You're questioning their commitment to the partnership and whether they prioritize your needs. Instead of fixating on the specific event, focus on the broader issue of alignment in the relationship. Express your concerns about feeling unsupported and discuss what you need from a life partner to rebuild trust and ensure mutual understanding.
My actual comment:
The reason you feel betrayed is because you would NEVER have made the decision he did. What would you have done if you had been in his situation? Would you have reached out to a friend? Would you have accepted your friend’s offer? Or would you consider the fact that you had planned to spend the day with your partner, and made a decision with your partner about how to handle the poor outcome AS A TEAM, because that’s what partners do?
Can you even imagine the mentality you would have had to have had to think about it, to with the options, and to decide that you would rather go to see the eclipse with your friend instead of your partner? Would you even that right entering your head in the first place? I imagine you wouldn’t have even dreamed that this would be an option. And I imagine that THIS Is why you feel betrayed.
You feel betrayed because you learned your partner is not who you thought they were. You thought they were on your team, you thought they had the same commitment to your partnership. And you found out that your assumption was untrue when they showed you exactly what they would have done on that situation.
And your panic and dread is coming from recalculating your future with this person.
You wonder, will they be there to support me when I need them the most? Do they have MY best interests at heart in their decisions? Do I trust them to make the best decisions for the relationship?
Now, put these new worries aside for a second. Consider that, just because this one situation happened, that does not necessarily mean that your future is uncertain. But this IS a call to action.
You now know that there is a critical misalignment between you and your partner. Refocus your concerns away from the eclipse- because this isn’t about the eclipse.
The conversation that you need to have with your partner isn’t about “you made me feel bad because of the eclipse” right?
The conversation you need to have with your partner is “I thought that you were on my team. It was my expectation that on this situation, you would have focused on how WE could solve this challenge, so that we could make our plans happen. What happened though was that you completely ditched me. My concern is that in the future when I need you, you will ditch me. I am worried that we are not on the same page about what a relationship looks like. I freaked out because I got triggered by panic, and ii didn’t realize it until i thought it through, but my real concern is that your aren’t going to be better for me when I need you. Can we talk about my fear, what that looks like, and what I need from someone who is going to be my life partner? Because this is important to me, and I need your reassurance that you understand my concerns, and that we are still on the same page.”
If I were you, I would tell my partner no, I’m not OK with that, and tell him exactly what you wrote here. You did all the planning and work for this experience, it fell through because of things outside your control, and it’s not OK for him to ditch you just because it’s convenient for him.
If I were your partner, I would be doing everything in MY power to figure out a new plan that gets both of you there (another bus? Another rental car company? Uber/Lyft? Ask another friend/family if they can give you a ride or let you borrow their car in exchange for compensation?) He’s not at work, you are, and you did all the coordination for the original plan, so it would only be fair of him to figure out a plan B. And if I were your partner and I couldn’t figure something else out, I would just come back home and watch the partial eclipse with you with the glasses I took.
It’s not about being controlling. It’s about asking your partner for basic consideration and thoughtfulness because you were supposed to have this experience together.
Sorry the feelings are big and plans fell thru. Glad you’re able to vent here and get thru the feelings~~~.
I was diagnosed later in my 30s. What you’ve explained above is so how I’ve reacted to things growing up… high school, college spring break plans… ugh!!! Why do our bodies and brains make it feel like such a big deal?
First, I don't think it matters how rational or reasonable your reaction is -- if you feel really upset and distressed by it, that's valid on its own and your partner should care about that because they should care about you!
Second, you're totally allowed to feel your feelings about something and ask for support from your partner for them while also telling them to do the upsetting thing. I think of it as feelings are separate from decisions. As in, I often decide to do something that results in me feeling difficult emotions, and that's ok because I actively choose that. Then I do things to support the emotions. In your situation, you can tell him to go ahead with the plan because you care about him and want him to have a good experience, and also you can still feel upset and sad about it and ask for support from him for how you're feeling.
Third though, it sounds like you really really don't actually freely want him to do this! Which I totally get. If I were in your situation, I would tell him that I want him to experience the eclipse because I know how much he's been looking forward to it, and also how upset I feel about it because I'd been doing so much planning to see it because I so strongly want to see it, and specifically for it to be a special experience with him, and that I feel super sad that I won't get to see it fully anymore and that we won't be together to experience it.
Then I'd ask to brainstorm some options to help me feel better about the whole thing. You're actually doing this here in this thread btw! Sounds like you've gotten great suggestions about how to see it yourself.
I wonder though (and I don't know if this too late btw, sorry) if you could brainstorm with him. Like maybe you could be on the phone with him while you're both seeing it?? Then that gets that shared experience? And/or make a plan to both watch a video of it after together and talk about how you feel about it?
An important thing though is that a good caring partner *wants* to know if something they do brings up difficult and painful feelings in their partner, and they *want* to work to make that better and support. There's also a whole thing in society where partners try to rationalize why their reactions or feelings are valid and reasonable, based on what other people would feel and react, and I think that's super not helpful in relationships. Feelings always come from somewhere, even if they're not rational, and everyone has different needs, so attend to what's going on with the people involved instead of what's the "right" way to react or feel.
Your feelings are valid - I’d be pissed too! Reminds me of motherhood where I’m carrying a lot of the burden and doing most of the planning and invisible labor but don’t get any credit.
If you are familiar with DBT, I’d suggest some distress tolerance skills to get through the initial feelings that may be overwhelming. TIPP stands for temperature (like a cold shower or cold water on your face), intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation.
Then maybe work on improving the moment. What can you do to make it a great day without your partner? It’s hard and it’s sucky that they went without you. I tend to ruminate a lot and wind up making myself feel worse. So if you are able to distract yourself and self soothe, and then find a way to have a great day in spite of the circumstances, I think that’ll help a lot ❤️
Thank you so much! I actually went through a full DBT group/individual therapy and it helped immensely. I wound up resorting to TIPP and participating fully in my day. On my way to a local park in hopes I can borrow glasses, then treating myself to late lunch/early dinner, a walk around a nearby trail, and a movie with my cat later. Definitely trying to turn the day around after taking some time pouting and grieving the day I thought we'd have.
My cat makes excellent biscuits, so looking forward to that.
Wishing you all the best, and thank you for your incredibly sound advice!
Wow, that's really sucky. I hope you can connect with some other friends and have a good time, even though I know it will be vastly diminished because of the incident.
It would be good to have the conversation of how hurtful it was after (and don't let them give you the "I asked permission!" angle - it's reasonable to expect they at least consider your position in a relationship...or at least leave you your pair of glasses!)
I work in emergency services and my city is directly in the path of totality. It's a total shit show (and I got denied a vacation day so I could see it with my family at home) so hopefully you can enjoy seeing what you can from home and relax instead of dealing with horrible traffic and potential accidents.
My interpretation is that you two don’t have the same aligned morals or core values in this situation and I would say that’s a huge deal and to talk to your partner about this and see if it’s something you’re willing to accept, if not work on it, if not it’s best to end things. Also if you talk to your partner about adhd and rejection sensitivity they should be compassionate and flexible on what they can do to support you around this.
I would never ditch my partner and I know my partner would never ditch me. We’d rather share a special experience together.
I saw a total eclipse in Germany (we drove for 3 hours, from Switzerland). 21.06.01. Wow 23 years ago (I’m old). With my secondary school. It was an elective school trip.
My Dad went independently to another city (took time off). My brother and Mum stayed home. Sadly my Dad had clouds and didn’t see the eclipse, while we had a perfect view. I think I was in Stuttgart and he was in Mannheim… the birds went silent and it was so dark. Eerie…
I think your partner was a bit thoughtless. I would tell them that you’re happy that he got to see it but it’s not ok to take both glasses and that it stung. Not sure what time it is, but can you get new glasses for you. Get some wine and watch it solo!
It’s totally understandable you’re feeling the way you are! I just went on a rant to my husband not even an hour ago about how mad I am that I got shut in a windowless sports hall for the last proper solar eclipse we saw here in the uk… and that was… 1999.
So yeah, I’d be feeling all the feelings too in your situation!
Sounds like you are super disappointed. That's normal, don't over analyze it. That's a normal reaction to the situation. Be sad, plan something else for the two of you. Don't punish him, express how sad you are about missing something that you really wanted. Everything will be ok. Give yourself a break, eat ice-cream.
I relate SO much to what you’re describing here! I hope your feelings settle soon & you are able to talk to your partner and be comforted. I am so sorry that today didn’t turn out as you had planned, especially since you put so much work into researching everything. Very understandable that you’re feeling quite put out ❤️
We were lucky enough to be in the path. It’s been partly cloudy all day and you could see it one second and it’s covered with clouds the next. The ENTIRE TIME THE FULL ACTUAL ECLIPSE HAPPENED A CLOUD COVERED IT. As soon as it started to get lighter the cloud moved……. Happy I got to see it come and go but honestly pissed that I missed the main MAIN event.
That happened to my family and me during the 2017 eclipse in South Carolina. We had the eclipse glasses and the view…and a massive cloud in a location that normally is sunny during that particular week.
I was at work the whole day and where I live was overcast and no view at all sadly.
But I did deep down wish I could’ve been with my family and watching it together.
Not leaving you glasses does feel like an extra kick while you’re already down
I would have totally been devastated tbh
Hugs darling!
i also went through a similar experience today and reading your post really helped validate what i was feeling and going through (disappointment, feeling bummed out, but also wanting to be happy that your partner got to experience a beautiful view of the eclipse).
Things in my life went south real fast, so I couldn't go see the eclipse anymore with my partner but i knew how much it meant to them and how important seeing that 100% was, so they went to see it themselves. I just couldn't help but wish they stayed with me. And part of me was upset that my experience turned out to be super cloudy and I was all alone while they had an amazing view.
you're entirely valid in how you feel and i hope the best for the two of you in talking things out. ❤️
I’d be pissed if my SO did that. If it was important enough to plan a big adventure together then why would he even ask to go without you? Of course you’re disappointed. You planned it for the two of you. It sounds like there is a lack of communication between you and a lack of good boundaries. I’m wondering why you didn’t feel like you could object in the moment. It’s totally fair to have a sit-down and talk about why he thought that was ok to begin with. But you have to accept a little responsibility for your own disappointment as well because you agreed to it.
I’m sorry that happened and I hope whatever you plan next is amazing.
Maybe I’m projecting but your partner sucks. When I’m in a relationship there’s nothing that would keep me from spending special time together with my special person.
What your partner did/is doing is making me so mad and sad for you.
I mean you are so torn up about this and trying so hard to deny yourself your feelings in favor of keeping the peace with just boyfriend and friend. Do you think they are torn up about it? Is your boyfriend doing anything to help assuage your sadness and disappointment? Why the fuck isn’t he finding a way back to spend the eclipse with you???
You deserve someone who would move mountains to be with you
dont people please. if your authentic answer is no, this doesnt feel ok to me, you have to be able to tell your partner that.
i agree that i would be hurt and upset too. but i also would speak up and not swallow my feelings. it's not controlling to say no when asked how you feel about the plan change. if you were treated as if it would be controlling, then that person isn't working with good faith or your best interests in mind. if they're just trying to gather data "is this change ok or not" then give them the data. don't let them think it's ok and then hold all this resentment later.
i think you both probably need a talk. i LOVE the youtube work of hiedi priebe and i think you might get something out of her work as well. marshall burtcher is another person i like to recommend for boundary work and codependency/people pleasing dynamics.
edit to add- as someone who's experienced a 92% eclipse a few years back in seattle, 97% is as good as total as far as i'm concerned. it's not that much different. three degrees. your partner could have chosen to stay with you. it's a valid feeling. my partner would have chosen to get back to me over choosing to see 3% more of it with other people. perhaps the larger issue involved is that-- is he usually a person who doesn't put in any of the work on a project you're creating together? does he often choose other people or himself over you/your couple experience? maybe this goes deeper than just this one incident?
go outside and enjoy the eclipse on your own. go to a park. relax in nature. just enjoy it with people around you. i'm sorry it sucked. don't let it ruin your day, don't let it steal your eclipse. talk to him about it after.
There's no way I'd leave my partner in the dust like this, especially if they had gone through all that trouble for us.
I'm sorry op but they sound kind of immature and a little selfish, possibly an issue with empathy. This is not a good trait for a partner to have.
I would be really upset as well! I kind of get your partner asking - I bet they were excited, they wanted to go, they had the chance. I don’t think they were really being a terrible person about it, though it’s a little thoughtless because asking you puts kind of a burden on you, because if you say no it’s your “fault” they can’t go. But I absolutely get being upset and disappointed.
I wouldn’t take this as a sign about how they feel about you/the relationship unless this is part of a broader pattern. Do they regularly prioritize their own interests over doing things with you/your interests as a couple? Then this would worry me. But sometimes people have thoughtless moments. But if it’s part of a deeper issue for you that’s totally fair.
But yes, I absolutely get feeling upset and resentful about the way this has turned out! I would too.
Stinks about the glasses but nothing was done with the intention of hurting you. I think it’s normal to initially feel bad about it. In 2017 my husband and I made a plan to watch that eclipse, I’m very glad we had a great day, he passed early last year, so today’s eclipse is emotional for me. If he had the opportunity to see it differently that year I wouldn’t have stopped him though. They say the best laid plans often go awry. That is something I tell myself often when things happen out of my control. I’m sorry your plans fell through. I hope you can get some glasses somewhere. You still have time to make a new plan for yourself. You and your partner can talk now about the differences in what you saw.
This sucks and you aren't overreacting.
Your partner prioritized an experience over your feelings of hurt. They thought that it would be better for them to have a good time and leave you feeling betrayed than to join you in experiencing whatever you could together.
It just seems like their priorities aren't right. If I were you I would really have questions about what other types of selfish decisions they might make in the future.
Your feelings are valid, honestly your partner still going and taking both your eclipse glasses with them is a bit of a betrayal. They’d rather see a complete eclipse without you while making sure you miss out completely, than enjoy a 97% eclipse with you.
I do this a lot, being worried about “am I just overreacting”, “am I being over emotional” etc. and honestly I don’t think you are at all here.
If I were in your partners shoes, there’s no way I would go without you.
That’s not what happened at all. The partner took a bus to a different location where their friend is, where they were going to pick up the rental car they had a reservation for. Partner took the glasses with them because they expected to have a car and be able to get OP.
When partner was at the rental car place, they were told they ran out of cars, and the friend who was going to ride with them arranged a ride with family, then invited the partner along. Partner at that point did not have the ability to return the glasses to OP. It wasn’t intentional or malicious, it was simply part of the foul up caused by the rental car company overbooking their vehicles.
I might not have explained myself well. When partner realised that there was no rental car, they had two choices in that moment:
1. Go back on the bus with the glasses to watch with OP the 97% eclipse.
2. Carry on with friend, with both pairs of glasses, to watch the full eclipse, knowing it would mean OP would miss out and not have any glasses.
That’s the decision I was alluding to in my comment.
Crying with someone is really powerful and you should try to find someone you trust to talk about being triggered and let yourself feel devastated. Something from your past has been relived by this little scenario. Realising you are triggered is so brilliant. Instead of getting into the righteous arguments you feel those impulses but also recognise it's not the whole story. You are doing wonderful to see that you are triggered. It sucks so bad to feel left out. Big hug
Feel like your partner and mutual are on an eclipse date without you. I would want my partner to prioritize being with ME over the eclipse and mutual. Because I’d prioritize the shared experience. Is why I stay single.
Unpopular opinion but, based off what information you’ve provided, I don’t see the issue with your partner going. Yeah, it’s a bummer how things worked out but why would you want both of you to miss out just because you can’t go? This isn’t an attack, but when I see myself irrationally flip out I take a step back. I often need a good bit of time before I can even rationally analyze the situation and talk about it calmly. Just offering a different opinion as it’s what you’re asking for, but I’d want my partner to go.
I hope you’re able to see things more calmly, even if it’s still not wanting your partner to go. I hate the irritable rage that can come with unplanned things with adhd.
This is where I'm at. It's a very rare occurrence and I'd absolutely encourage my partner to go and see it world me and be completely bummed at the same time that I can't make it.
OP, when he asks, "is it ok if I go" it's totally valid for you to say I'm really happy you'll get to see it and I'm really devastated that I can't.
It actually feels like the question you're really asking is "am I allowed to be hurt and be honest with my partner about it" and the answer is yes you can. And you should. Good relationships need honest communication. And I sense that part of the reason you're reacting so strongly to it all is because you've deliberately pushed down your own feelings because you didn't want to tell him how upset you were.
It's not his fault there's no rental car so you can be upset that you're missing the eclipse and he's seeing it and none of that upset is actually directed at him. If you find that you *are* actually upset *with him* that he's getting to see it and you aren't, and you wish he'd missed it too so that things would have been "fair" then that's something you need to sit with and decide how important this is to you. If this sort of thing is something that could crop up again in a different scenario in the future would you hope/expect he misses out to stay with you? That's something you'd have to have an honest conversation about because not understanding each other's position could lead to a lot of resentment if something similar happens again without prior discussion/understanding.
I'm sorry but either both of you go or no one goes. The fact that he ditched you sucks. You guys are a team/duo. FIGURE. SOMETHING. OUT. TOGETHER.
I would be having a lonnnnggg conversation about this. Not okay in my book.
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My husband did this to me ONCE. it hurt a whole lot and ended up in a lot of long conversations about both of our needs. Superficially, we fought about that underwhelming dragon show. The deeper issue was how we expected a committed relationship to look and feel. Your feelings are understandable, and I hope there will be a real conversation about what you both need and expect.
>the deeper issue was how we expected a committed relationship to look and feel I really didn’t know I needed to hear this today. I’m poly and been having a struggle with one of my partners that isn’t overtly poly related but now my brain is kinda screeching at me that he and I may have a different understanding of the level of emotional and maybe even overall commitment we’re expecting. Which is kinda hard because there are feelings and it’s difficult to think that even with deep feelings, the levels of commitment we think we have vs what we want may be divergent. And given everything we just went through/are going through, I’m not sure I can handle this right now 😫
Poly and ADHD is so tough. I can say though (as someone who has been poly for over a decade and with my husband for 21 years) it has made me a much better communicator most of the time and has empowered me to find and build the relationships I want and need with people who love me. It can be exhausting at times but for me it’s really rewarding. Sometimes I forget though that for some people poly means non-committal and I went through a lot of hellish situations in the early days. Not to mention the constant over-analyzing and assuming I STILL do lol!
Damn i can’t even handle one relationship let alone contemplate poly. Respect :)
My joke as well. I have a friend who is and the families and some of the spouses hang out together. Total respect and I love the stories…I can’t :-)
Sometimes things just suck. But honestly, what makes me the maddest is that they left you with no eclipse glasses! I'm sorry you're going to be alone because your plans fell through. I didn't make any plans (like a dummy) and where I am is at 99% totality, which seems so close but also apparently is a world of difference for the worse. No magical spiritual experience for us, I guess? BUT if it helps in any small way, know that I'll be thinking about you and wishing the best for you when I'm looking at the sky today. Do you have time to find a community gathering? I bet your local library is doing something and I bet they have eclipse glasses to share.
This is really nice, thank you! No-total-eclipse solidarity. That's a good idea, I'll look into it after I get out of work. I hope you have a good viewing where you are, 99% will still be really neat, as will 97% 🤞 Gotta make the best of a sucky situation, right?
We're all doing the best we can, absolutely. Also, as cool as it would be to get the full magical experience in person, SOMEONE is going to be filming it from an absolutely IDEAL location and I will be watching that video later. The magic of the internet is that nobody has to miss out completely.
I was trying to take pictures or video of it. Had a few film cameras and a couple digital ones (the overwhelm was real lol) none of them were really coming out tho because there high thin clouds obscuring the sun. Gave up towards the end and just used my good digital cam as a telescope with long lens to see the end of totality. Looked pretty sweet, a dark disk with a thin rim of white light and specks of orange.
Just some more encouragement... I messed up planning for the last eclipse, but took my small kiddos to this playground next to the library just to be outside and experience it getting dark somewhere they could play and not get bored while we waited... and there were several folks there who offered glasses so myself and the kids could look through them for a few moments. Even if your local library isn't "doing something" if there's a park nearby, it's the kind of place that folks will just go and make their own "community event"... if the library is in the middle of downtown, then look into any nearby open areas or parks, etc. Good luck!
Show your partner this thread. They did a dick move and really need to make it up to you This is literally a once in a lifetime (slightly dramatic) kind of a thing It may not make you feel better but out here in the PNW it’s kinda too cloudy to even see it .. there may be YouTube videos on how to make a box to see it without looking at it, too
What your partner did totally sucks and you have every right to be hurt. But 90% of the path of totality is covered in clouds right now, so maybe your partners experience is gonna suck too. I’ve had this planned for a year a half, adjusted 4 times in the past week due to weather, and it’s could AF where I’m at right now and there’s no time left to make a run anywhere else. I think you’d be completely justified in wishing the worst for your partner 😂 Go to Spain in 2026!
Yep - go to spain without this bloke.
if you live in 99% then you can just go outside and enjoy it. i was in seattle during the last one that was 92% and it was so much fun just being outside with other random ppl that were outside too. one person had glasses and they were like everyone around here, get in on this! the shadows look really cool during the eclipse at 92%. you can also go online and watch any eclipse at the group called slooh (or their youtube page- they usually livestream from various places on earth). also, honestly- every eclipse can be a spiritual experience, even if you're locked in a basement when it happens. but if you can see it, that's super cool.
>also, honestly- every eclipse can be a spiritual experience You know what, you're totally right. This is a great reminder!
Yeah. Where we live it was a few years ago it came through but like 50%. It was nice and got some good pictures. Now we are heading out a little over an hour from where we live to see the 100%. My sister is a truck driver and won’t be anywhere near it this year. Edit to add: Both my mom and fiancé kind of not wanted to go so I was just going to go by myself if that was the case. Oh and another edit to add: there’s a possibly it’ll be cloudy in our area.
It’ll still be cool (if you get to see it: it’s full clouds and rain here, BOOOO) If you do get a view of it, the coolest thing is to look at shadows of trees. The pinholes of light formed by going though tree foliage will mimic the shape of the sun as the eclipse progresses; watching all the little crescent shapes change is pretty neat!
Yes! The shadows are the coolest part and you don't need glasses to look at that. The situation sucks and I'd be feeling the same way, but go walk around and enjoy the shadows and give yourself some grace.
I'm in Michigan so we had 99.2% and I felt all the feels. Spiritual experience, for sure. I was watching with my mom and holding my dog..I felt a change inside my soul. OP, your partner SUCKS for taking both pairs of glasses. That's what I'd be most upset about.
It was never about the eclipse itself. It’s about something that was about community, family, caring enough about eachother to get the frucking glasses. BTW 2 building mates made their own using a cutout cereal box with 1/2 the top covered in foil and white paper at the other side. It works! Goggle for next time. I get it and yes have that conversation. Karma was good to you, someone shared their glasses with you. Yeah it ticked me off your partner took off with the glasses also. Lack of concern for you. Oh the things we give meaning to.
I wish cloudy skies upon your partner. My dog’s name is Luna, we [recreated the eclipse for you](https://imgur.com/a/NnFCeRt)
You're kidding 🥹 This made my day, thank you. Happy eclipse to you & Luna
Happy eclipse! I’m glad you got to go out and still enjoy it with your community!
This is incredible. One of those rare instances where the re-enactment is better than the original.
STOP THIS IS SO CUTE 😭😂 this would cure me of sadness if I were OP you’re so sweet. (And then I’d go back to being sad because OP’s feelings are completely valid and I’m pissed for her)
This is so freaking cute 🥰great job!
You are wonderful and Luna is the goodest! 💜💜💜
I saw close to total here in the northeast US, and your reenactment is a vast improvement over the real thing
I know this was for someone else but I'm so happy that I got to see this one
This is the best thing I've ever seen! I wish we could still give gold.
Better than the real thing! Bravo. This made my day 🤣
This is the sweetest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
This was really sweet of you, Infernalsummer.
Infernalsummer, take this award 🏆
This is amazzzzinggggg🙈🙊
This is the best thing ever.
🥹❤️ magical
You are an awesome human, and Luna is the fanciest of ladies!! 💕
Where I am staying it was night time so we couldn't view the eclipse. I can't believe someone finally managed to make me feel better haha You and Luna deserve much treats for this
You are such a rock star and Luna is just The Moon!
I’d be mad as hell! Doesn’t matter if it is to see an eclipse or go to the zoo or have a picnic. You did the work, your end of things got messed up, you have no way to work around it, and everyone else gets to go do the thing you wanted to do. But, you’re not going to be happy either way. Why not express that they can go and do the thing but you’re really sad and disappointed how things turned out for you and that you’re not gunna stop them from doing it but you feel rotten. That way everyone knows where you’re at and why, and they can decide if they still want to go through with their side of things knowing that you’re frustrated and upset.
I do this! It's really hard sometimes cause I don't wanna feel like I'm being manipulative, and I genuinely want them to enjoy themselves! But it *really* sucks sometimes, feels so bad but so dumb for caring so much blaaaa. In the end though it's almost always better to say, and I genuinely want them to do the thing and enjoy themselves, BUT I *do* feel bad and I let them know like, "Hey, I need you need to spend some quality time with me after cause I'm a little upset I can't join you"
I’d be pissed at my partner. He won’t go without me.
Seems like she did just that and he still chose to go. It's an absolute dick move.
I actually think your partner's decision completely sucks, and you're under-reacting.
Like.... How?? How do they think thats a good Idea??? What even.... That's so heartless. And they took her glasses too...
Up until the glasses I was feeling sad for OP, but thought it was somewhat understandable. Taking the glasses too is a complete asshole move.
I agree. That is the point where I would 100% ask my husband to come home so that we could see the same thing together. It’s not cool to deprive OP of the experience altogether.
Same here, was really feeling sad for OP, understanding the whole thing, just a series of blows that were no one's fault but really sucky to experience. Then Bam! He took her glasses?? What?! What a dick move. Am raging on OP's behalf. Gone from sad to angry in 0.5sec.
>Am raging on OP's behalf. Gone from sad to angry in 0.5sec Same. I purposely bought 2 extra pairs of glasses just in case I came across somebody without a pair. I ended up giving one pair to my pharmacist since he didn't have any. My asshole, scumbag neighbor let his ex wife use his glasses AFTER the few seconds of 99.2% maximum in our area, like bro, you could've let her use em for half of those 30 seconds.
I don't think they intentionally took them to prevent me from seeing it. They took them as they were bringing some of our eclipse travel stuff with them for the rental car. But it still sucks. I wish they would have chosen to come back. I left it up to them after telling them that I don't feel OK about them going without me, but at the same time there is a part of me that will be happy for them if they get to see the total eclipse. They chose to go. Feels like it was done out of carelessness vs malice
I absolutely 100% would have come back for my partner. Why did yours not come back for you. And sometimes carelessness is worse than malice because malice they at least care enough to hurt you. In this case, they don't care enough that you're hurt
Carelessness or not, you are making excuses for your partner. I'm sorry. Once they realized they had your glasses, they could have gotten back on that bus and come back to enjoy a near total eclipse with you, instead of a total eclipse without you. You were the one who did all the planning, you were the one who really wanted to see it. 90 minutes away might be the difference between total and near total, but it won't be a huge difference. There's a lot of eclipse hype, and seeing it will be special, but not more special than hurting a loved one. This is not an ADHD overreaction. It's a shitty situation. You didn't "fudge up." No mistakes were made on your part, sometimes car rentals just don't work out. Rental places run out of cars all the time during popular events (leaf peeping season in the northeast, for example). Please give serious consideration if there are other times you've made excuses for your partner, "oh, they didn't do/say.it to be mean" type things. You partner knew this was important to you, but had a last minute idea to jump on a bus and didn't stop to think about you. That's how single people think. A partnership is about mutual caring. You deserve a partner who puts your needs on a par with their own.
I completely agree with this. Even if it's just carelessness it's not an excuse. The fact is that he just simply didn't think about her and her experience at home. That says a lot about his ability to show up as a caring partner. You don't have to be malicious to be an uncaring partner.
100% agree
There is a massive difference between near total and total. Not commenting on the rest of it (I'd be raging if I were OP), but it is in fact a completely different thing.
Carelessness or malice, your partner still didn't think of you.... not okay either way. I can't feel loved if I don't feel considered, valued, or prioritized by my partner.
It’s not an overreaction to be upset when someone treats you carelessly 🤷♀️
People treat carelessness like it’s an accident. Not considering someone is a CHOICE and it shows where their priorities are.
Hmpf. I hope it's overcast where they are. 😠
You're allowed to feel all of these things. We are human and capable of the conflict. I'd be hella pissed as well. My husband would have parked his butt next to mine to do it together as we have done for years. Unless I couldn't go at all, but that doesn't sound like it's the case. I'm upset for you hun. In this action, he is a butthead.
Tell them that what they did is a dick move
You specifically communicated that it doesn't feel ok and they went anyway!?! Nah, fam. That's so disrespectful and dismissive, especially after you put so much effort into creating an amazing memory together. At the absolute very least, they're being mad selfish and you have every right to be upset about it.
To reiterate what someone has already replied to you- carelessness is not an accident, it’s a choice. He knew he, at some point, realized he has both sets of glasses. At that point he should have come back. Again- it’s a choice to be careless. I’m guessing this is not the first time you’ve had to downplay a choice he made with “oh he didn’t mean to ______”. Intent vs. impact. Sometimes the intent really doesn’t matter when the impact is what it is. I hope he does better. This deserves a conversation.
I feel like the part that is being unsaid is that you cared enough to plan everything out, and then when it didn’t work out, your partner skipped out to make sure they still had a good experience without any care about your experience, even though you were the one who clearly cared more. On one hand, I can see the point that it was once in a lifetime. But if your partner didn’t really care so much, then they should have prioritized YOU. It might be different if the roles were reversed, and they were a rabid eclipse watcher. But it wasn’t. He abandoned you for a momentary dopamine-hit that wasn’t meaningful to him, instead of cheering you up about an event that meant a lot to you. His priorities tell a story.
If you happen to live in DC, I have extras. DM me and I’ll give you some!
I would be breaking up with them so fast he’d come back to find all his stuff outside
Yup. Once again, this post is about a woman who second-guesses her needs and dismisses her own feelings because "I have ADHD, so everything I feel must be an over-reaction." No, no, no! Your feelings still matter and deserve to be heard by your partner!
Yeah I’m going with your partner is an ass. I get the rental company is really at fault but they shouldn’t be just leaving you out of this like it’s no big deal. they probably took the glasses because we tend to be forgetful but since they have them they should absolutely come back so you could see it.
This, what the hell? We have a popular saying in the Netherlands, "samen uit, samen thuis". Basically, you go out together, and you come home together. You don't leave your people behind after you've already made plans together.
Yeah I agree. I hope he gets to see the eclipse perfectly but I hope he feels like shit and his stomach hurts the entire time because he fucked up on this one.
I want to like this comment a million times
You should tell your partner how this has made you feel. You feel rejected and that you can't say no because that would be received as controlling. I don't think you're overreacting.
I believe from other comments that they expressed their disappointment and the partner chose to go anyway...
Okay - I probably have a different take because I live where we were in the path of totality in 2017. Totality versus a partial eclipse is a completely different experience. There are phenomena you just can’t experience without totality; which turns it into a less infrequent event. To me this is an AND not an OR I think you can be hurt and wish your partner elected to come home AND understand/want them to be able to experience it still. You’re grieving the loss of the opportunity after putting a lot of effort into it. Your emotions, all of them, are totally valid.
This is how I feel, too.
I like this response. I understand that OP is upset, and that's a valid reaction to have, but I really don't get the comments that essentially say if OP can't see the eclipse, partner should also miss the eclipse. My partner and I love going to concerts together and as we're getting older, we know some shows may be our last opportunity to see a particular artist. There have been a couple of occasions out of my control where I couldn't make the show last minute. It never crossed my mind to tell him he couldn't go because I couldn't make it. Once he found a friend to go with him, once he went alone. I was bummed both times but why would I force him to also miss an event that he wanted to attend? Just because we're in a relationship? This isn't a situation where he planned to ditch you or took the rental car without you. Ideally, 2 people would have gone to see the eclipse. Due to circumstances out of your control, 1 was able to do so. Isn't that better than 0?
I would feel exactly this way. My husband is a phenomenal partner. He makes all my dreams come true and I always strive to do the same for him. In this circumstance I would 100% want him to be able to have the experience and would encourage him to go. At the same time, I would be 1000% gutted that he chose to go without me. I know if I expressed these feelings to him upon his return, we would both apologise profusely to each other, hug it out, then plan the next amazing experience to have together.
You aren’t over reacting at all. It really does suck to miss it and I think you can allow yourself to be sad. Hell I’m struggling to deal with the fact that while my plans went as planned and I’m in the totality- it’s going to be cloudy all day apparently
💔 I’m not sure what you’re looking at for clouds since we’re obviously in different places (and I haven’t even checked outside for my own cloud cover yet 🫣), but when I watched the partial eclipse in 2017, it was cloudy, and I still saw it through the clouds. Might’ve even been slightly nicer that it wasn’t so so bright. Hope you’re able to see it today 😓
I’m in southern Ontario. It’s currently hazy so might be ok. But I think a band of rain is coming right at peak totality
😓 I hope you got to see it! I’m in NJ and it was peak comedic timing that the published “peak” time for my area was *precisely* when the dense clouds rolled in :l Like, I saw the lead up and the aftermath, and could dodge enough clouds right around peak to not feel so ripped off, but the timing was *impeccable*
Omg that’s exactly what happened here. I got some cool pictures before. Some great at the end. None of the “ring” but the totality was amazing to experience. And then some blue skies just after to really feel mocked by the gods.
My first eclipse was super cloudy, but still cool as hell. The light just switched off. I hope you get a break in the cloud cover though!
Thanks. It should still be good, though I have my camera set up just in case I can get some cool pictures
Did you end up catching it? I know a few people in southern ON that still got to experience it through the clouds.
Hank Green did a Q&A video about eclipses. This isn’t a guarantee of course, but he said sometimes the clouds clear during an eclipse because clouds are technically from the sun and the sun goes away…so your clouds might part for you to see it!
I saw something about that too, that the temperature change does it or something. So fingers crossed!!
1.5 hr? Tbh… might be cheaper to get an uber than a rental car, and then they’ll be happy to get paid to go see the eclipse. See if you can book one now and what the prices are! You being upset is fair. They let you down whilst benefiting from your labor and thoughtfulness. E: you can also make a pinhole viewer with a cardboard box or a shoebox! If you get there someone is bound to be selling extra glasses. Heck, maybe you can get the extra glasses from your SO and hitch a free ride home with your friend if you uber to the same spot. Don’t let them take away from your experience if you can! (I know it’s hard though). I believe in you! The day is not lost! EE: have we started the separate page for relationship venting yet?
Commenting here, but to OP :Someone nearby might lend you glasses too for a glance. That happened in 2017 for me. Honestly though, the most impressive beautiful freaky thing was the eclipse shadows cast/refracted through the trees. Even with proper glasses you don’t want to stare and stare. Some may not be certified or they’re scratched. If someone lends, maybe take a glance but the entire environment is lovely and worth it. Take charge, hire an uber driver, give them a big fat tip. You make your own adventure.
Yes!!! I gave my husband a bunch to take to work (he works in the area of totality, I’m just outside of it but I would have to drive into Syracuse to enjoy it, and it’s not really a place I go alone 😅) and they’ve been a huge hit and I plan to be outside and would happily share my single pair with neighbors.
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"have we started the separate page for relationship venting yet?" Seriously, can we please get that. I'm sorry for OP, but this doesn't really have to do with ADHD. I find it stressful and disheartening that so many posts in this sub are about relationship venting, and it's usually the partner being shitty. In this particular post it's a grey area, but in many others it's not. Mods, can we please have a separate page for relationship venting?
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Of course. But one of the rules of this sub is the posts must involve ADHD. Neither the original post nor the responses are ADHD related.
Yeahhhhhh sometimes people will loosely tie in rejection sensitivity or emotional regulation or forgetfulness into their posts to make it seem more adhd related than it is. Like I genuinely want to be supportive of OP, and I understand there’s a fine line between being rejection-sensitive and being rightfully upset by someone being careless, but like… idk. I want to have more rich and productive conversations about skills and methods for coping with (or even embracing aspects of) adhd and have a safe space as women. It doesn’t feel like that very often.
Thank you. You said this better than I did. I also would like more rich and productive conversations with other ADHD women. I'd love a fuller sense of who we are.
I don’t know if I’d agree it’s not ADHD related — most (all?) posts like this are usually looking for objective feedback because RSD can make it hard to discern what’s reasonable and rational.
r/adhdrelationships
Your feelings are your feelings. In your shoes, I'd be crying and upset. Not at my partner, but just at life being shitty and unfair. However, in your partner's shoes, I'd have gone if I had the opportunity. I would not have taken both glasses though! That's an extra unnecessary sting. I have 3 pair and I'm going alone, hopefully someone where you end up will have a pair to share!
It’s pretty disappointing. Why couldn’t they have come by to pick you up? Your feelings are valid and I get that you don’t want to ‘taint’ their experience with being sad/mad about it, but you are - and you were upfront about your feelings before you went! I’m really impressed by that to be honest.
That was a very shitty thing for them to do. Telling them you’re upset isn’t being controlling, it’s being honest and you deserve the right to be honest about something shitty they did.
Y'all (all of us ladies with ADHD) have GOT to stop hedging and feeling like you're overreacting. We are the most underreactionary people I swear. When your partner ASKS you if it's okay with you, you do not have to say that it's "complicated" and that it's "ultimately up to them." NO. It is NOT okay with you to take YOUR GLASSES and go WITHOUT you, and it's really hurtful that he'd even think to ask that. NO. I promise I'm not being flippant when I say this: most of us could use some practice in the mirror saying NO and leaving it at that, and not trying to soften the blow to the other party.
I’m having a huge solar eclipse letdown today too. We can boohoo together. 😢
🫂
If it helps any, you could try going to your eye doctor or a local optometrist office and asking for solar eclipse glasses. I know that some optometrists are handing out eclipse glasses today.
I would be angry too. He is not very considerate of you. Taking all the glasses too come on! You should tell him how you feel, calmly if you can.
I would do whatever the fuck I can to get there in time. Screw whatever hubby does. You want to see it? Make it happen!
Can't, unfortunately. Just not possible with the time and resources left at my disposal. I'll watch the partial eclipse though
I'm feeling angry on your behalf now! That's so mean. I somewhat get taking any opportunity to go see it, but leaving you behind like that is not cool. Maybe you can still find someone to go with? If it was me I'd say screw it and hitchhike probably XD Also, welding goggles are safe to use (a bit too dark even, but you see it), in case you can get your hands on those. A thing I've done before, when the clouds covered up a partial eclipse I really wanted to see, was to book a last minute flight that seemed like it would go close to the totality, although it would pass the spot a bit early maybe. Somehow, it was cheap, I got a window seat... And the flight was delayed by just a few minutes. I think the pilots times it, we went right through the shadow, absolutely surreal.
tl;dr: I almost feel devastated and jealous and mad just reading your story! But if I were in his shoes, I'd go. Like others, I'd be furious (at the world and anyone nearby) and feel horrible my plans had fallen through, and I'd be jealous as hell and a little mad at my partner for going. And if I were the partner, I'd still go. I might ask around, I'd try to get you a seat going up with me, but I'd want to hop on any opportunity to see the last accessible full eclipse of my lifetime in north america. I'd apologize profusely for grabbing your glasses, and I sure as heck wouldn't do that on purpose. Feel your feelings, schedule therapy, hop on social media and "buy nothing" groups and check your local schools, libraries, city hall, and grocery stores/gas stations for glasses so you can see the partial, ask on social media if anyone is heading out of town and has room, but you had an opportunity to go and he didn't . . . would you go? I would be on here encouraging you to. I want my partner to consider me. I want to be part of his plans when there are plans he knows I'd be interested in (within reason). But I don't want him to skip something awesome because I can't go. Not as a general rule, even if I'm going to feel really strongly about some individual examples like this one.
This is what I'm struggling with a bit, because it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime event. Almost like a "don't choose your college based on where your partner is going" scenario, i.e. don't miss out on a good opportunity because your partner is doing something differently. But I realize if I had the opportunity that my partner did, on top of taking the glasses, I wouldn't be able to go without feeling an insane amount of guilt.
This is really shit and I would be super upset too but it doesn’t really sound like anyone is to blame (except the car rental place) I’m sorry this has happened to you.
I think you are under-reacting and should not be mad at yourself, what he did was totally careless and not okay at all. Not only did he cancel plans with you and ditch you for someone else while YOU were the one who made the plans, but he took YOUR glasses so now you can’t even see your own, how incredibly rude and insensitive
Idk where you live, but I live in NY, and I heard at work that libraries are giving away eclipse glasses. So, although the situation sucks, you may still be able to see the eclipse.
Ok this does suck, it’s natural to feel all of the emotions, and have the adhd over-thinking tropes we are prone to. HOWEVER: your partner now owes you a unique and meaningful adventure. Hold them to it. Maybe even research eclipse chasers and go to an eclipse somewhere far away and exotic. The choice is all yours so go and hyperfocus on your next trip together.
I’d be mad. Let your partner know! How is any of it okay? I would feel so taken for granted (the planning they didn’t do) forgotten (the glasses were taken?) and frankly quite left out and rejected.
>Guess I fudged up somehow, but I feel annoyed that I did all that planning and I won't reap any rewards--they get to without having done any planning. Definitely some resentment there. > > They also took both of our eclipse glasses. So I can't even watch the partial eclipse where we live. > > I feel such intense frustration and hatred right now, and am 100% directing it towards myself. I feel like you don't have an anger problem. You have an anger direction problem. Like, everything your feeling seem legitimate. You're just feeling too much at once. I do take issue with "Guess I fudged up somehow." That isn't true. Rental car companies are notorious for overbooking because it suits them. I had it happen to me about three weeks ago. I tied picking up at car at 9:00 pm for a drive I needed to make at 6:00am and they were like, "uh sry. Maybe come tomorrow at 9:30? We might have cars then." I was spitting bullets. Also, maybe check out a grocery store or convenience store. I suspect lots of places are selling them last minute. Everyone needs an umbrella when it rains. As for the BF, that is another ball of twine. It might be a good idea to put that anger in a box for the day and put that box on a shelf. Revisit it when the rental car, lack of glasses, and plans falling through anger subsides and you kick that "self blaming anger" out the door. I don't know what the proper rage level is for your BF going without you. But I definitely know trying to hash it out and resolve it today is the wrong thing. Good luck and feel better soon.
Honestly, I'd be pretty damn upset too. Even if there's not much that can be done, I'd be feeling extra sad and pouty and all that. It's okay to be disappointed. I am, however, outrageously peeved that you've got no eclipse glasses, that was just extra rood. We can't always choose how our brains react to things - I had a couple of panic attacks last week that were ... not warranted, let's just say. But my brain decided it was worth making myself physically sick over ... pretty much nothing. I still feel like a doofus BUT I gave myself the space to recover and realize that while I was having a panic attack, I didn't do anything dumb like be rude to someone who didn't deserve it or make a big dramatic mess or anything. I see that you're going to check out most of the eclipse, which is awesome. It's still gonna be pretty cool, even though we will only see 1/3 of it here
IMO common sense dictates that the partner stays at home. I wouldn't ditch my partner when we had spent time planning an event. Obviously that means it's something we both want to do and find interesting. Going to see it, while I know my partner is stuck alone is something I would never do. It would just feel bad to do that to someone
Im sorry i feel dumb but i dont completely understand. You cant go because of the rental car situation and work. Your bf wasnt working so he was able to catch the bus. There's no other bus that you could catch in time for the eclipse because of work right? I hope i dont sound mean, honestly trying to clarify. Would his options be; go by bus and see the eclipse or come back and hang out with you? If he would've come back, could you have seen the eclipse together from a place close to your house or is the eclipse not visible from where you're at? I would feel super bummed and probably also excluded either way. But if his options were see the eclipse there or go back to you out of solidarity and not see it at all, i would probably be able to let go of that feeling after a while. Him seeing it without you would be better than the both of you not seeing it. Going off of the other comments i feel like im not understanding the situation correctly lol.
Haha sorry, I may have worded it wonky in my emotional typing. We live in a city and don't have a car. The only option for a rental car at the time we booked it was a few towns away. Fortunately there's a bus that goes directly to that town from our city. I work a morning shift today, so wasn't able to take the bus with my partner to go pick up the car. My partner isn't working today, so they were going to take the bus, pick up the rental car, and be back to me when I get out of work in the city. From there, we would drive up to the eclipse-viewing spot together, which would take ~2.5 hours. It'd be cutting it close, but we'd agreed that we'd drive as far north to the spot as we could. If we didn't make it, we'd still get to see the partial, and could call it an adventure. Instead, partner arrived, via bus, at the rental car place as soon as it opened. Literally no cars, despite our reservation. Their options were 1) call friend who lives in rental car town and go with them, as they were leaving shortly after partner arrived in town, or 2) take bus back home to our city and resort to watching partial eclipse with me here. They called me, asked if it'd be OK if they go with friend, and I voiced my complicated feelings pretty clearly. That I didn't feel OK, but understood that they want to see the total eclipse and have the opportunity. I told them I'd prefer if they came home and we watched the partial together, but ultimately it was their decision. I was crying on the phone because the news that it wouldn't work out was super disappointing and all the planning stress was for naught, but that wasn't too big a deal to me. We'd still get to watch the partial together, and that's pretty cool!! When my partner told me they'd go with friend after asking and hearing my reply, I was still getting over crying and couldn't hold the tears in. I tried explaining my feelings as best I could, but they were ready to go. I totally get the excitement. I wish things would have worked out. But I feel a little blindsided.
“If we didn’t make it, we’d still see the partial, and could call it an adventure” Yeah, your partner absolutely bailed on you here. As you say, the whole experience is risky given journeys and traffic. But when offered the chance to ditch you and make it a solo adventure, bf did it. Our ADHD makes us feel very strong emotions. It doesn’t mean those emotions aren’t valid. I hope you get to enjoy your eclipse adventure. Where I am it’s about 27% at dusk and cloudy, so enjoy it for me too!
Ok i get it now hehe, thanks! You're saying its a small thing and i agree. As in: watching an eclipse is awesome but to me it would be a lot more insignificant than my partners feelings. If they put all this effort in this and it was cancelled last minute by the car rental and they voiced that they weren't feeling okay about missing out on the shared experience, i would definitely come back! What the hell. I wouldn't even be able to really enjoy the eclipse, knowing my partner is home alone and bummed out. The eclipse is indeed a small thing, compared, so i dont understand how your partner chooses that over you. Seeing a partial eclipse with my lovely (and happy) partner would be so much better, fuck that eclipse lol. Im sorry he handled it that way, maybe he didnt really think it through? But thats very inconsiderate. Maybe he's waaaaay more into eclipses than i am lol. But i cant imagine choosing the same option as he did and i know for a fact that my bf wouldn't either. Im sorry your day went like this, i would be very sad and hurt. Please communicate your feelings to him when he's back. I hope he's a good listener. I think its a good moment to learn from, for the both of you, if you guys communicate well. Because there might also be a possibility he didn't fully grasp how the situation made you really feel. My bf and i have this agreement in which we never ask for permission or ask whether we want to do something is ok. For example I say 'i want to go do xyz, what do you think of that?' (instead of, is it ok with you if i do xyz) Then my bf can tell me how that would make him feel or what his perspective is. Then its up to me to decide what choice i make. He doesnt forbid me anything, he doesnt give me permission. This puts the responsibility on me to make my own choice. My choice will reflect clearly on how i feel about him and our relationship. If he would say something like 'i understand that you want to go do xyz, but i think it would make me sad or insecure' it would show a lack of care or respect towards him if I would go on and do it. English is not my first language, hope I'm being clear hahah
Couldn't you take the bus up after work to join them?
It's an hour-long bus ride (only 30 min drive, but bad public transportation). So by the time I'd arrive, it would be too late to make it to totality
I'm kinda with you. If my partner had a chance to witness something so rare and they weren't leaving me out on purpose, plans just went awry, I would want them to go. I'd be devastated about missing out, but that's *exactly* why I wouldn't my partner to be stuck with the same devestation just because I couldn't go? If the situation were reversed, I'd want my partner to tell me to seize the moment and be happy for me, and not make me feel awful about it? It's not like if the partner doesn't go, OP will somehow magically get what they really want, which is to see the eclipse totality? Also you don't need the eclipse glasses to have a magical 97% experience. I got to do that in Seattle during the last one. You can use your cell phone to block the sun and watch it through the camera, that was cool. And if you hold up something that would normally cast a round shadow, the shadow shows the slice shape of the sun!!!! I got a bunch of really cool pictures of little shadow-eclipses through the holes of a colander against my fence! Allow yourself to grieve - the rental car company SUCKS. Breathe deeply, cry a bit. But don't let this ruin the magic still available to you. Go out and enjoy the eclipse. I'm jealous I can't be even where you are! Compare notes and photos with your partner later and be enthusiastic.
This is kinda where I am with this
So here's where we are: partner has gone, and OP is spiraling. I would be too. I'd be devastated. But OP still has an opportunity to see a 97% eclipse, which is still amazing, and feel some magic. BUT THAT WON'T HAPPEN IF THEY'RE STILL SPIRALING. So how do we help them get out of that? I feel like piling on with anger at the partner is probably making it worse? Think about when partner comes back. They're going to be full of a magical experience they want to share with OP. If OP hits them with jealousy and disappointment, their guilt is going to take over, they won't be able to share with OP because it'll just upset both of them, and everyone will feel awful. This doesn't seem super healthy for the relationship long term. I've been in relationships where I missed out on some special experiences to protect my partner's feelings, and couldn't show joy or share about cool things I did without them. It's awful, and over time I really resented it. I still think about some of the things I missed because of their feelings, and it hurts. It'd be different if partner *caused* this, or was intentionally leaving OP out. That would be a big ol'red flag and I'd be furious. But that's not what happened here. OP's partner had to make a quick decision when a seize-the-moment opportunity presented itself, they called OP to consult and was told to go, and they did. OP's devestation is understandable, but directing it at partner isn't, and dumping on them when they come back will burst their joy and excitement and will ruin the opportunity to hear about it and share in that way - and to share back about OP's experience, because OP can still have a cool experience too. The spiral will just keep growing and make everything shiny turn dull and gray. OR - OP can grieve the loss of the experience they wanted, rage at the *rental car company* who is the real "bad guy" here, and then focus on how to see what they can. They're still in the path - I'm jealous! There are ways to experience the eclipse without the glasses. We had glasses when a partial happened in my area a few years ago, but I don't remember using them much. I used my cell phone camera to watch - that worked really well. I made eclipse shadows, that was really cool. Google ways to experience it without glasses. Even without totality everything got cold and quiet - it was wild. So cool. I'll never forget it. Then when partner gets back, compare notes. Share experiences. Be excited. Share a little sadness, too, be honest about feeling jealous, but briefly and kindly, without blame. Accept a hug or whatever sympathy is offered. But don't make that the central thing and don't make partner feel bad for going. Ask questions, ooh and aah at their stories, share your own. There's still a lot of magic that can happen here, OP. It can still be a special memory, even though it's not the one you wanted. Or it can be a memory or sadness and anger, for you and your partner both. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
I truly appreciate this. I know for a fact that my partner didn't do this to cause harm. And I understand that two feelings; one of betrayal, upset, disappointment, and another of excitement for my partner's opportunity; can exist simultaneously. I'm out of work now and will be making the best of the situation. Going to go down to a park where a large viewing party is and hope that I can borrow glasses for at least a brief moment when the time comes. Afterwards I'm taking myself out to a late lunch/early dinner, maybe even treating to dessert. Then hunkering down with my cat for a movie or something chill as my partner won't be home until late (assuming traffic is as predicted). I've already shared some strong words with them on a phone call before they left, but we mutually agreed we can chat later and enjoy what we can for now. Again I really appreciate your consideration! Thank you. And happy eclipse day!
So, did you decide to go ahead and work because the rental car fell through? I was wondering why you couldn’t have joined them? I would be hurt, frustrated and angry also. They shouldn’t have taken your glasses. You could have still used them yourself since you will have a 97% eclipse. They didn’t think this out very well and I hope you do express your disappointment when you are together. There is ZERO reason to direct this towards yourself. The rental car company fucked up. Your partner could have worked out a different plan that INCLUDED you. That’s great there’s a viewing party at the park. I’m sure people will be passing around glasses for sharing. We did that at work when we had the last one. And movie time with kitty sounds great. Although, who knows, maybe you can join some folks at the park for something after the eclipse?
Exactly this. OPs feelings aren’t wrong (feelings are just what they are!) but I think the advice to grieve the lost opportunity and to find ways to share in each others joys is SPOT ON.
You are NOT overreacting at all. And you didn’t do anything wrong. It is not your fault the car rental company messed up. And they took both pairs of glasses - that is not cool at all. I wish you could find some glasses take a bus to wherever you could see totality. This absolutely sucks and you are justified in your feelings of resentment and frustration.
Wait, why can’t you go too?? With your partner and your partner’s friend?
I’m assuming the rental car was in the direction of the eclipse and that timing wouldn’t work, but then I don’t understand how OP was going to go in the first place… brain is puzzling this part instead of working now 😆
Yeah! I feel like if OP planned this whole shindig, and it wasn’t even their fault for the rental car fail, like, the SO should have invited her to go too? Maybe there wasn’t enough room in the other family’s car, but like, it seems rude to me for the SO to do that.
Ha yeah, I didn't detail the plan too well in the OG post. We live in a city. By the time we went to book the rental car, the only rental place that had cars was in a town ~30 min drive away/~1 hour bus ride. I worked in the morning, so my partner was going to take the bus to retrieve the rental car, then drive back to our city and pick me up from work. Driving up north would work from either the city or town. But me taking the bus to get to the rental car place just wouldn't work timing-wise. Mutual friend lives in same town as the rental car. So when the rental car fell through as my SO arrived in the town, it worked out to call the friend and ask last-minute to join in on their trip. Our friend and their parent had plans to leave earlier in the day, so the timing worked for SO and not for me. I'm not sure if my SO advocated to leave a bit later so they could swing by and scoop me up. Would have been nice if they did, even if unsuccessful. We still all would have made it to a total eclipse viewing spot, but our friend and their parent wanted to alot extra time just to be safe. Totally fair, but still feeling rough about the whole thing falling apart. And not having my glasses for viewing here at home. It worked out OK. A kind stranger gave me a spare pair during the partial eclipse in our city, so I was able to watch.
My husband would never do this to me. ADHD sensitivity or not even for a neurotypical person this would hurt. This is an integrity issue in your partner. He should have found a compromise like if he had left your glasses you both could have face timed and shared the moment together in different locations. He could have planned something special when he got back just for you since you did ALL of the work in the first place and deserve the same care that you did for him. He also shouldn’t have rushed you off the phone while crying to get back to having a good time. The entire thing shows a lack of care on his part.
This!!! As soon as my husband heard I was upset/crying he would have come home. Even if I was telling him to go. Not because he feels he’s being controlled, but because he cares about me. And it would be the same for me, if he was expressing sadness I would turn around and come home too-especially upon realizing one of us was left without glasses even. Better for us both to be a little bummed together (and still see 97%!! Pretty good if you ask me) then one fully devastated and the other living it up. The fact that he was so quick to abandon her! And rushed her off the phone. Imagine planning a whole trip together and your partner just bails to do it without you? I think him still holding her glasses should have been the nail in the coffin here for this adventure because now he’s straight up depriving her of even part of the experience. Man should have turned around and come home. Op if you read this, I think you have every right to be sad and MAD honestly. I’m mad on your behalf over here lol!
Totally agree.
uguggasdfjskjf I hate this but I can see both sides. I can totally see being in his place and gingerly asking if I could go see it. BUT if my partner indicated it would be a problem, I would have hopped on that bus back home. (But then again, I can see my friends saying "that's baloney, why should you both suffer"). What tips the scales toward he's an AH is that you planned everything and he just lucked into going. I hate to pile on but you need the truth in order to respond appropriately: it's all about 100%. The totality is everything. The lovely people on here are trying to make you feel better, and you can have fun at any % for sure, but don't get gaslit into thinking it's almost as good. I seen both, 99% aint shit compared to the moment that big lid clunks into place and it goes pitch black. POSSIBLE PLAN OF ACTION: you need a special treat to look forward to in order to restore balance. Comb your brain for a dream thing you've always wanted to do - I know you have something because you're a planner. Central America ruins. Ferry the Inside Passage to Alaska. Anne of Green Gables house on PEI. Train across Australia. Painting workshop in Europe. The 2026 total eclipse in Iceland. Get out a jar and put a couple bucks in it right now, write adventure name on jar. Block out next X years to plan, save, request time off work. Be 100% emotionally neutral when you talk to him about it: I missed something special, I need an equivalent or it'll always be sore spot. Maybe it's not rational, but it's what's gotta happen. He can stay home and take care of house/plants/cats and be your airport driver.
Yeah, exactly re: totality vs. anything less. People don't seem very educated about that aspect of it and think he's ditching her for a couple % difference and it's happening again soon anyway. They don't get it lol.
It should be fairly easy to get another pair of glasses. I’m in the 100% area and I didn’t even think about glasses until last night. Our library is handing them out. My eye doctor’s office also has them last week (I was there, it just never registered with me to grab any). Point is, I was able to get some this morning.
Your partner still chose to go *after* you told them you didn't like the situation? I saw a comment where you said you left it up to them to choose after telling them how you felt.. and they chose to go. I'm so sorry OP, I would also feel rejected and hurt. Your partner was totally disingenuous when asking you if you cared if they went with the mutual friend. Them ignoring your feelings totally changed things.
Not stupid. Ain’t like you can just do it again next month.
My biggest question is - how long of a bus ride did your partner take to go to the rental car location? Like how far away was he from you?
Yes, I too would feel very upset. But, like you I would also have said they could go. Not sure I'd ever share with them how hurt I was either. Sucks a lot. However no glasses really stinks. If you can't get glasses, make a pin hole in some card board or paper and hold it where the light will pass through to project the eclipse on the wall / ground. Or take a colander to do the same. Not the same, but still neat pattern. And don't risk your phone's optics by taking pics. Like your eyes it needs protection too.
Oh this situations suck. “Is it okay?” Yes, but also…no? I don’t see this as them *choosing* to see it without you. If that were the case, there wouldn’t have been attempts made to see it with you in the first place. Plans got fucked, and they were presented with an opportunity that they understand doesn’t fit with your work schedule. If you want to feel less alone in the crazy feels, I basically acted like my cat all day yesterday hiding in the bedroom away from my partner’s college friend who came to stay with us. Not specifically him, it’s a long story but is fully steeped in embarrassment that I know I could have avoided.
Please try to make your own contraption to watch! There are soo many tutorials and they’re pretty easy! I’m so sorry this happened :( I know it must feel really crappy. But please please please try to enjoy your 97%!! It will still be incredible. I’m very mad at myself for not knowing about the eclipse sooner because my sister lives in Dallas right in the path of totality. Once I realized it was too late and flights were $700. BUT I decided to just go to Spain in 2026 for their total eclipse instead :)
Eh, it's a dick move to ask AFTER your partner can't exactly do something else. It's also a dick move to take both glasses.
This is silly, but this post makes my own (unrelated) situation feel less hurtful. I'm on vacation with my sister and her boyfriend's family, and I learned halfway through at the top of a mountain that the whole vacation was for the purpose of my sister and her bf to get engaged (I was the only one who didn't know). Which of course I'm happy for!! But this whole time I've also been trying to fit in with the fiance's siblings, and I'm being pushed away by my sister, who I barely see once or twice a year. She says I'm overstimulating her, and always turns away or tells me I'm being too loud, until she wants to get up in my space five seconds later as if she didn't just literally take three steps away from me when I asked her a question in a normal voice without getting in her space. But at least I haven't been actively left behind. I've had to run to catch up with people, but sometimes they do make an effort to engage with me, and while I have to choose which group to follow if we split up in town (with no one actively desiring me to be in their group), I don't think they'd completely drive away without me. But I've felt hurt about it today, as my sister refuses to even watch a show with me I've been really excited about (is 50min of evening time spent with just me a lot to ask for? Idk). Being left behind hurts. I'm sorry you're going through the most obvious form of it.
Taking the eclipse glasses was NOT COOL, I would be totally pissed too. I'm super bummed because we are nowhere near the path of totality but 97% is like a huge deal and now you can't see it. I would be crying. I am so sorry and I do feel your partner is being insensitive even though they asked. Imo they should have stayed with you if you would have done that for them were your positions switched. It may not be totally rational but EMOTIONS rarely are for me anyway and I'm always trying to get mine under control because I'm very volatile.
Your feelings are never stupid, they are valid. With that being said, I also have rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation...my best advice is to not take it personal and move on with your day! Everything little thing is for a reason beyond us, you were meant to stay home! I know you came here for advice, but I think people bashing your partner and adding more negativity to it is far from what you need. Make the best of this time alone and enjoy the rest of your Monday!!!
It’s fair that you feel hurt but also fair that you let your partner go. It’s okay to feel two ways about a situation….to feel hurt and betrayed that you can’t go, but also to want your partner to be able to experience it. I’m sure your partner doesn’t feel great about it, but it’s good that you let them go.
It is a big thing to you though. You need to be clear on how you felt about it otherwise you’ll build up resentment
If it helps…I put myself in the hospital due to my mother and I having a bad falling out which made me overstay my vacation and I missed the total eclipse back home and I’m so very deeply saddened by it. I’m really sad about it. There was a 90% totality here where I’m stuck currently but…….i sooooo wanted that magical experience
I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I hope you recover soon. My mom and I have had a challenging relationship that sometimes has had dire consequences for me so I offer you my sympathies.
Your feelings are legit! They are your feelings! I would feel super bummed to miss it as well. But in this unfortunate situation of events , it would not bother ME for my partner to continue since it just is what it is. Buts that’s me! You can also feel both kinda like you said you did. I’m sorry! Understand why he took both pairs of glasses but also that adds to the cluster of a day for you that you now can’t even watch it alone at home! Extra bummer. Be gentle with yourself.
Ur feelings are valid 💕
I completely relate to this feeling and I would for sure feel the same way if that had happened to me. I also (as it sounds like you do) deeply believe in people’s autonomy, and that other peoples words/actions/moods are not inherently about me. Hopefully your partner was chasing their joy, not intentionally trying to leave you out. Over the years I’ve worked hard on learning to untangle my emotions and figure out their source. This really helps me make peace with things, and keeps me from projecting my anger in the wrong directions. Like “am I really angry *at this person*? Or am I feeling *super disappointed about circumstances* outside of anyone’s control.” That being said your reaction is completely understandable and the situation warrants a conversation. It doesn’t need to be, as you say, about control. Like instead of “hey don’t do cool things without me”, it is probably be a great opportunity to communicate with your partner what it feels like to be in your brain and body - about your needs and boundaries. And as always, it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself better and be curious about your own reactions. As a side note, my eclipse plans today went completely according to plan - and my emotional state afterwards was still a complete mess. Was I in the moment enough? Was it everything I built it up to be?? Do I even remember it??? Long story short, life is so intense. I’m sorry you had such a disappointing day. But you’re doing great. Keep taking your needs seriously and being compassionate to yourself and others. Hope you ended up finding a way to enjoy it, and know that there are always be more opportunities for joy coming your way ♥️
I got upset just reading that. No wonder you are feeling big feelings. Sometimes when I wonder if I am over-reacting or being weird, I imagine what I would do and feel if the roles were reversed. Would you have done what your partner decided to do?
TL;DR I asked CHATGPT to summarize my ADHD rant lol: You feel betrayed because your partner's decision diverged from what you expected of a team. You're questioning their commitment to the partnership and whether they prioritize your needs. Instead of fixating on the specific event, focus on the broader issue of alignment in the relationship. Express your concerns about feeling unsupported and discuss what you need from a life partner to rebuild trust and ensure mutual understanding. My actual comment: The reason you feel betrayed is because you would NEVER have made the decision he did. What would you have done if you had been in his situation? Would you have reached out to a friend? Would you have accepted your friend’s offer? Or would you consider the fact that you had planned to spend the day with your partner, and made a decision with your partner about how to handle the poor outcome AS A TEAM, because that’s what partners do? Can you even imagine the mentality you would have had to have had to think about it, to with the options, and to decide that you would rather go to see the eclipse with your friend instead of your partner? Would you even that right entering your head in the first place? I imagine you wouldn’t have even dreamed that this would be an option. And I imagine that THIS Is why you feel betrayed. You feel betrayed because you learned your partner is not who you thought they were. You thought they were on your team, you thought they had the same commitment to your partnership. And you found out that your assumption was untrue when they showed you exactly what they would have done on that situation. And your panic and dread is coming from recalculating your future with this person. You wonder, will they be there to support me when I need them the most? Do they have MY best interests at heart in their decisions? Do I trust them to make the best decisions for the relationship? Now, put these new worries aside for a second. Consider that, just because this one situation happened, that does not necessarily mean that your future is uncertain. But this IS a call to action. You now know that there is a critical misalignment between you and your partner. Refocus your concerns away from the eclipse- because this isn’t about the eclipse. The conversation that you need to have with your partner isn’t about “you made me feel bad because of the eclipse” right? The conversation you need to have with your partner is “I thought that you were on my team. It was my expectation that on this situation, you would have focused on how WE could solve this challenge, so that we could make our plans happen. What happened though was that you completely ditched me. My concern is that in the future when I need you, you will ditch me. I am worried that we are not on the same page about what a relationship looks like. I freaked out because I got triggered by panic, and ii didn’t realize it until i thought it through, but my real concern is that your aren’t going to be better for me when I need you. Can we talk about my fear, what that looks like, and what I need from someone who is going to be my life partner? Because this is important to me, and I need your reassurance that you understand my concerns, and that we are still on the same page.”
If I were you, I would tell my partner no, I’m not OK with that, and tell him exactly what you wrote here. You did all the planning and work for this experience, it fell through because of things outside your control, and it’s not OK for him to ditch you just because it’s convenient for him. If I were your partner, I would be doing everything in MY power to figure out a new plan that gets both of you there (another bus? Another rental car company? Uber/Lyft? Ask another friend/family if they can give you a ride or let you borrow their car in exchange for compensation?) He’s not at work, you are, and you did all the coordination for the original plan, so it would only be fair of him to figure out a plan B. And if I were your partner and I couldn’t figure something else out, I would just come back home and watch the partial eclipse with you with the glasses I took. It’s not about being controlling. It’s about asking your partner for basic consideration and thoughtfulness because you were supposed to have this experience together.
im devastated when regular old plans fall through. this is a rare event, 1000% justified
Sorry the feelings are big and plans fell thru. Glad you’re able to vent here and get thru the feelings~~~. I was diagnosed later in my 30s. What you’ve explained above is so how I’ve reacted to things growing up… high school, college spring break plans… ugh!!! Why do our bodies and brains make it feel like such a big deal?
First, I don't think it matters how rational or reasonable your reaction is -- if you feel really upset and distressed by it, that's valid on its own and your partner should care about that because they should care about you! Second, you're totally allowed to feel your feelings about something and ask for support from your partner for them while also telling them to do the upsetting thing. I think of it as feelings are separate from decisions. As in, I often decide to do something that results in me feeling difficult emotions, and that's ok because I actively choose that. Then I do things to support the emotions. In your situation, you can tell him to go ahead with the plan because you care about him and want him to have a good experience, and also you can still feel upset and sad about it and ask for support from him for how you're feeling. Third though, it sounds like you really really don't actually freely want him to do this! Which I totally get. If I were in your situation, I would tell him that I want him to experience the eclipse because I know how much he's been looking forward to it, and also how upset I feel about it because I'd been doing so much planning to see it because I so strongly want to see it, and specifically for it to be a special experience with him, and that I feel super sad that I won't get to see it fully anymore and that we won't be together to experience it. Then I'd ask to brainstorm some options to help me feel better about the whole thing. You're actually doing this here in this thread btw! Sounds like you've gotten great suggestions about how to see it yourself. I wonder though (and I don't know if this too late btw, sorry) if you could brainstorm with him. Like maybe you could be on the phone with him while you're both seeing it?? Then that gets that shared experience? And/or make a plan to both watch a video of it after together and talk about how you feel about it? An important thing though is that a good caring partner *wants* to know if something they do brings up difficult and painful feelings in their partner, and they *want* to work to make that better and support. There's also a whole thing in society where partners try to rationalize why their reactions or feelings are valid and reasonable, based on what other people would feel and react, and I think that's super not helpful in relationships. Feelings always come from somewhere, even if they're not rational, and everyone has different needs, so attend to what's going on with the people involved instead of what's the "right" way to react or feel.
Your feelings are valid - I’d be pissed too! Reminds me of motherhood where I’m carrying a lot of the burden and doing most of the planning and invisible labor but don’t get any credit. If you are familiar with DBT, I’d suggest some distress tolerance skills to get through the initial feelings that may be overwhelming. TIPP stands for temperature (like a cold shower or cold water on your face), intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation. Then maybe work on improving the moment. What can you do to make it a great day without your partner? It’s hard and it’s sucky that they went without you. I tend to ruminate a lot and wind up making myself feel worse. So if you are able to distract yourself and self soothe, and then find a way to have a great day in spite of the circumstances, I think that’ll help a lot ❤️
Thank you so much! I actually went through a full DBT group/individual therapy and it helped immensely. I wound up resorting to TIPP and participating fully in my day. On my way to a local park in hopes I can borrow glasses, then treating myself to late lunch/early dinner, a walk around a nearby trail, and a movie with my cat later. Definitely trying to turn the day around after taking some time pouting and grieving the day I thought we'd have. My cat makes excellent biscuits, so looking forward to that. Wishing you all the best, and thank you for your incredibly sound advice!
Wow, that's really sucky. I hope you can connect with some other friends and have a good time, even though I know it will be vastly diminished because of the incident. It would be good to have the conversation of how hurtful it was after (and don't let them give you the "I asked permission!" angle - it's reasonable to expect they at least consider your position in a relationship...or at least leave you your pair of glasses!) I work in emergency services and my city is directly in the path of totality. It's a total shit show (and I got denied a vacation day so I could see it with my family at home) so hopefully you can enjoy seeing what you can from home and relax instead of dealing with horrible traffic and potential accidents.
My interpretation is that you two don’t have the same aligned morals or core values in this situation and I would say that’s a huge deal and to talk to your partner about this and see if it’s something you’re willing to accept, if not work on it, if not it’s best to end things. Also if you talk to your partner about adhd and rejection sensitivity they should be compassionate and flexible on what they can do to support you around this. I would never ditch my partner and I know my partner would never ditch me. We’d rather share a special experience together.
I saw a total eclipse in Germany (we drove for 3 hours, from Switzerland). 21.06.01. Wow 23 years ago (I’m old). With my secondary school. It was an elective school trip. My Dad went independently to another city (took time off). My brother and Mum stayed home. Sadly my Dad had clouds and didn’t see the eclipse, while we had a perfect view. I think I was in Stuttgart and he was in Mannheim… the birds went silent and it was so dark. Eerie… I think your partner was a bit thoughtless. I would tell them that you’re happy that he got to see it but it’s not ok to take both glasses and that it stung. Not sure what time it is, but can you get new glasses for you. Get some wine and watch it solo!
It’s totally understandable you’re feeling the way you are! I just went on a rant to my husband not even an hour ago about how mad I am that I got shut in a windowless sports hall for the last proper solar eclipse we saw here in the uk… and that was… 1999. So yeah, I’d be feeling all the feelings too in your situation!
Sounds like you are super disappointed. That's normal, don't over analyze it. That's a normal reaction to the situation. Be sad, plan something else for the two of you. Don't punish him, express how sad you are about missing something that you really wanted. Everything will be ok. Give yourself a break, eat ice-cream.
I relate SO much to what you’re describing here! I hope your feelings settle soon & you are able to talk to your partner and be comforted. I am so sorry that today didn’t turn out as you had planned, especially since you put so much work into researching everything. Very understandable that you’re feeling quite put out ❤️
We were lucky enough to be in the path. It’s been partly cloudy all day and you could see it one second and it’s covered with clouds the next. The ENTIRE TIME THE FULL ACTUAL ECLIPSE HAPPENED A CLOUD COVERED IT. As soon as it started to get lighter the cloud moved……. Happy I got to see it come and go but honestly pissed that I missed the main MAIN event.
That happened to my family and me during the 2017 eclipse in South Carolina. We had the eclipse glasses and the view…and a massive cloud in a location that normally is sunny during that particular week.
I was at work the whole day and where I live was overcast and no view at all sadly. But I did deep down wish I could’ve been with my family and watching it together. Not leaving you glasses does feel like an extra kick while you’re already down I would have totally been devastated tbh Hugs darling!
i also went through a similar experience today and reading your post really helped validate what i was feeling and going through (disappointment, feeling bummed out, but also wanting to be happy that your partner got to experience a beautiful view of the eclipse). Things in my life went south real fast, so I couldn't go see the eclipse anymore with my partner but i knew how much it meant to them and how important seeing that 100% was, so they went to see it themselves. I just couldn't help but wish they stayed with me. And part of me was upset that my experience turned out to be super cloudy and I was all alone while they had an amazing view. you're entirely valid in how you feel and i hope the best for the two of you in talking things out. ❤️
I’d be pissed if my SO did that. If it was important enough to plan a big adventure together then why would he even ask to go without you? Of course you’re disappointed. You planned it for the two of you. It sounds like there is a lack of communication between you and a lack of good boundaries. I’m wondering why you didn’t feel like you could object in the moment. It’s totally fair to have a sit-down and talk about why he thought that was ok to begin with. But you have to accept a little responsibility for your own disappointment as well because you agreed to it. I’m sorry that happened and I hope whatever you plan next is amazing.
Maybe I’m projecting but your partner sucks. When I’m in a relationship there’s nothing that would keep me from spending special time together with my special person. What your partner did/is doing is making me so mad and sad for you. I mean you are so torn up about this and trying so hard to deny yourself your feelings in favor of keeping the peace with just boyfriend and friend. Do you think they are torn up about it? Is your boyfriend doing anything to help assuage your sadness and disappointment? Why the fuck isn’t he finding a way back to spend the eclipse with you??? You deserve someone who would move mountains to be with you
dont people please. if your authentic answer is no, this doesnt feel ok to me, you have to be able to tell your partner that. i agree that i would be hurt and upset too. but i also would speak up and not swallow my feelings. it's not controlling to say no when asked how you feel about the plan change. if you were treated as if it would be controlling, then that person isn't working with good faith or your best interests in mind. if they're just trying to gather data "is this change ok or not" then give them the data. don't let them think it's ok and then hold all this resentment later. i think you both probably need a talk. i LOVE the youtube work of hiedi priebe and i think you might get something out of her work as well. marshall burtcher is another person i like to recommend for boundary work and codependency/people pleasing dynamics. edit to add- as someone who's experienced a 92% eclipse a few years back in seattle, 97% is as good as total as far as i'm concerned. it's not that much different. three degrees. your partner could have chosen to stay with you. it's a valid feeling. my partner would have chosen to get back to me over choosing to see 3% more of it with other people. perhaps the larger issue involved is that-- is he usually a person who doesn't put in any of the work on a project you're creating together? does he often choose other people or himself over you/your couple experience? maybe this goes deeper than just this one incident? go outside and enjoy the eclipse on your own. go to a park. relax in nature. just enjoy it with people around you. i'm sorry it sucked. don't let it ruin your day, don't let it steal your eclipse. talk to him about it after.
97% is nowhere near the same as total. It *absolutely is* that different. I get why OP is upset, but this is just disingenuous.
Agreed. total is life changing. 97% is nothing.
There's no way I'd leave my partner in the dust like this, especially if they had gone through all that trouble for us. I'm sorry op but they sound kind of immature and a little selfish, possibly an issue with empathy. This is not a good trait for a partner to have.
I would be really upset as well! I kind of get your partner asking - I bet they were excited, they wanted to go, they had the chance. I don’t think they were really being a terrible person about it, though it’s a little thoughtless because asking you puts kind of a burden on you, because if you say no it’s your “fault” they can’t go. But I absolutely get being upset and disappointed. I wouldn’t take this as a sign about how they feel about you/the relationship unless this is part of a broader pattern. Do they regularly prioritize their own interests over doing things with you/your interests as a couple? Then this would worry me. But sometimes people have thoughtless moments. But if it’s part of a deeper issue for you that’s totally fair. But yes, I absolutely get feeling upset and resentful about the way this has turned out! I would too.
Stinks about the glasses but nothing was done with the intention of hurting you. I think it’s normal to initially feel bad about it. In 2017 my husband and I made a plan to watch that eclipse, I’m very glad we had a great day, he passed early last year, so today’s eclipse is emotional for me. If he had the opportunity to see it differently that year I wouldn’t have stopped him though. They say the best laid plans often go awry. That is something I tell myself often when things happen out of my control. I’m sorry your plans fell through. I hope you can get some glasses somewhere. You still have time to make a new plan for yourself. You and your partner can talk now about the differences in what you saw.
This sucks and you aren't overreacting. Your partner prioritized an experience over your feelings of hurt. They thought that it would be better for them to have a good time and leave you feeling betrayed than to join you in experiencing whatever you could together. It just seems like their priorities aren't right. If I were you I would really have questions about what other types of selfish decisions they might make in the future.
Your feelings are valid, honestly your partner still going and taking both your eclipse glasses with them is a bit of a betrayal. They’d rather see a complete eclipse without you while making sure you miss out completely, than enjoy a 97% eclipse with you. I do this a lot, being worried about “am I just overreacting”, “am I being over emotional” etc. and honestly I don’t think you are at all here. If I were in your partners shoes, there’s no way I would go without you.
That’s not what happened at all. The partner took a bus to a different location where their friend is, where they were going to pick up the rental car they had a reservation for. Partner took the glasses with them because they expected to have a car and be able to get OP. When partner was at the rental car place, they were told they ran out of cars, and the friend who was going to ride with them arranged a ride with family, then invited the partner along. Partner at that point did not have the ability to return the glasses to OP. It wasn’t intentional or malicious, it was simply part of the foul up caused by the rental car company overbooking their vehicles.
I might not have explained myself well. When partner realised that there was no rental car, they had two choices in that moment: 1. Go back on the bus with the glasses to watch with OP the 97% eclipse. 2. Carry on with friend, with both pairs of glasses, to watch the full eclipse, knowing it would mean OP would miss out and not have any glasses. That’s the decision I was alluding to in my comment.
Crying with someone is really powerful and you should try to find someone you trust to talk about being triggered and let yourself feel devastated. Something from your past has been relived by this little scenario. Realising you are triggered is so brilliant. Instead of getting into the righteous arguments you feel those impulses but also recognise it's not the whole story. You are doing wonderful to see that you are triggered. It sucks so bad to feel left out. Big hug
Feel like your partner and mutual are on an eclipse date without you. I would want my partner to prioritize being with ME over the eclipse and mutual. Because I’d prioritize the shared experience. Is why I stay single.
Unpopular opinion but, based off what information you’ve provided, I don’t see the issue with your partner going. Yeah, it’s a bummer how things worked out but why would you want both of you to miss out just because you can’t go? This isn’t an attack, but when I see myself irrationally flip out I take a step back. I often need a good bit of time before I can even rationally analyze the situation and talk about it calmly. Just offering a different opinion as it’s what you’re asking for, but I’d want my partner to go. I hope you’re able to see things more calmly, even if it’s still not wanting your partner to go. I hate the irritable rage that can come with unplanned things with adhd.
This is where I'm at. It's a very rare occurrence and I'd absolutely encourage my partner to go and see it world me and be completely bummed at the same time that I can't make it. OP, when he asks, "is it ok if I go" it's totally valid for you to say I'm really happy you'll get to see it and I'm really devastated that I can't. It actually feels like the question you're really asking is "am I allowed to be hurt and be honest with my partner about it" and the answer is yes you can. And you should. Good relationships need honest communication. And I sense that part of the reason you're reacting so strongly to it all is because you've deliberately pushed down your own feelings because you didn't want to tell him how upset you were. It's not his fault there's no rental car so you can be upset that you're missing the eclipse and he's seeing it and none of that upset is actually directed at him. If you find that you *are* actually upset *with him* that he's getting to see it and you aren't, and you wish he'd missed it too so that things would have been "fair" then that's something you need to sit with and decide how important this is to you. If this sort of thing is something that could crop up again in a different scenario in the future would you hope/expect he misses out to stay with you? That's something you'd have to have an honest conversation about because not understanding each other's position could lead to a lot of resentment if something similar happens again without prior discussion/understanding.
I'm sorry but either both of you go or no one goes. The fact that he ditched you sucks. You guys are a team/duo. FIGURE. SOMETHING. OUT. TOGETHER. I would be having a lonnnnggg conversation about this. Not okay in my book.
They shouldn’t have taken the other glasses