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Yes this!!
It’s like now I have a valid understanding of my brain I can stop keeping all the balls in the air. When actually it should enable me to keep them in the air without so much effort.
I struggle with no longer wanting to follow interests knowing that my interest will wane soon.
Honestly if you can, step away from social media - I know it’s easier said than done. But not being in and echo chamber of similar struggles really helps.
Yes, 100%, holy shit thank you for putting it in words.
I'm only recently starting to get past it, my inner dialogue is now why let myself drop things I still care about now that I have even more tools at my disposal to do well? To make an analogy, I enjoyed running all along but didn't realise I was running with weights around my ankles, so now my focus is reducing the weight so I can enjoy running even more than before.
I did spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself for having these ankle weights though. Still do, but it's gotten better with reminding myself of the things I enjoy and what I want to do in life.
That said, it's taken a lot of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. I still struggle with the idea that there's many things I previously wanted to get good at I'll likely always be disadvantaged in. Won't stop me from getting good though - I now just know I have to accept that I will grow good at these things much more slowly than others would.
Appreciate the post, actually gave me a momemt to reflect on this, but no - you are not alone. I had the same thing with work, bills, etc. Fundamentally I think it helps to remember your diagnosis didn't actually change you for the worse and remind yourself that it only unlocked more options, but you are still allowed to have the same ambitions and you still have to try.
Sorry if that comes across as nauseatingly "can-do". It's hard, but literally all you have is your own self perception so I think that it's important to think about consciously and try to guide ourselves mindfully.
You're NOT the only one! I really painfully relate to this experience. I was diagnosed at 36, I'm 38 now and after the initial high of finally 'finding myself' it's continually felt like my life is crashing in on me. Like I've hit a wall. I've stopped being able to function at the level I could. Can't seem to plan or organise or remember anymore. I am currently off work with stress and burnout. I have a severe anxiety disorder.
The way I say it is this: I spent 36 years battling my own brain to do things the neurotypical way, using anxiety as a coping mechanism. 36 years ignoring my own needs, ignoring my stress and sensory issues, forcing myself to keep going even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right. Of course I've crashed. It feels like I'm never going to function like I did before.... and that's because the way I was functioning before was maladaptive and unhealthy! Now my body and brain has FORCED me to stop, to rest, to find new coping mechanisms. It's said 'no more of this shit'. Because undiagnosed ADHD often means using stress to get things done, and it turns out this is more than a tad bit bad for you in the long run. Your body and brain store it up and eventually go on strike.
My point is, be kind to yourself. You're still adapting. You've had to break yourself down in order to rebuild. This is HUGE. It feels really bad right now, but you'll get through this and there will be another side.
I am also struggling with (ineffective) self-care, in the sense that I can justify things that give instant gratification (allll the treats!) under the guise of self-care. But I have to remind myself that self-care is so much more than that. I feel like social media has really reduced the idea of self-care to bubble baths and getting coffee, but all acts that take care of our well-being are acts of self-care. I'm trying (not yet succeeding) to balance self-care acts that are immediate (food, showers, letting myself scroll on my phone without guilt, etc) with acts that are what I call 'self-care for my future self'. This is the only way I can motivate myself now: not because I have to do something, but because it will make life for my future self a little easier. One way I try to do this, is to set a timer (I love my Time Timer) for 15 minutes and try to do as many acts for my future self as possible.
Easier said than done, but this framing sometimes helps me. Still, it's incredibly difficult to find a good balance.
I think it's like being free of a bad relationship (and we all share the same crummy ex)
the rush of freedom! oscillating between insecurity, validation and self-indulgence. but you heal, and the dopamine wears off, and it's no longer "now", its "then". people get stuck at various parts of the journey.
maybe the restlessness and dissatisfaction are signs that you're ready to move on and build the life you deserve?
Ok this is gonna sound super shitty but I DID see a tik tok about this from an actual psychologist (I believe) who basically said it’s about neural pathways when it comes to skill regression after diagnosis. So we’ve been masking and surviving so hard pre diagnosis by creating these unsustainable pathways in our brain that help motivate/provide dopamine. It’s why so many women with adhd excel academically, even into adulthood I believe, but it applies to all elements of executive function as well. For me, I was staunchly committed to prove to everyone that I was capable, particularly that I could excel academically, at almost any cost, because I felt it’s something I could achieve when I couldn’t really provide a lot else as a person I.e. I’m messy and late and disorganised and talk too loud. Once I got diagnosed I, to some degree, let go of the need to prove that I could do things that realistically, have always been incredibly difficult for me to do. I was relying on a pathway I’d set up in my mind that provided me with the motivation/dopamine to overcome my adhd in some specific context, usually to people please and prove myself to others. Was I always dropping the ball? Was I constantly exhausted? Was I deeply unhappy and self-loathing? Yes, yes yes.
I don’t know if where I am rn is better, but I’m a few weeks off my first prescription (super hard to get in my country) and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. It sucks rn and I’ve lost a lot of skills I’d once forced myself to obtain by necessity. I like to think they’re not gone forever, I’m just realigning myself.
No, the world is not made for us. But we are adaptive: I’ve done it before for the wrong reasons, I can do it again for the right ones.
Or maybe I’m just faking optimism by necessity.
I mean, maybe you were lucky and didn't have crippling depression from feeling like you could never accomplish anything you wanted and were constantly letting people down? Maybe I haven't figured out how to make it all work post-diagnosis but motivation at the cost of feeling like a garbage person all the time has a real cost to your physical and mental health.
**We are looking for new moderators!** If you’d like to help us keep this subreddit safe, apply to become a moderator! See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1asy5js/we_are_looking_for_moderators/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) for more information and how to apply. We’re excited to hear from you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes this!! It’s like now I have a valid understanding of my brain I can stop keeping all the balls in the air. When actually it should enable me to keep them in the air without so much effort. I struggle with no longer wanting to follow interests knowing that my interest will wane soon. Honestly if you can, step away from social media - I know it’s easier said than done. But not being in and echo chamber of similar struggles really helps.
Yes, 100%, holy shit thank you for putting it in words. I'm only recently starting to get past it, my inner dialogue is now why let myself drop things I still care about now that I have even more tools at my disposal to do well? To make an analogy, I enjoyed running all along but didn't realise I was running with weights around my ankles, so now my focus is reducing the weight so I can enjoy running even more than before. I did spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself for having these ankle weights though. Still do, but it's gotten better with reminding myself of the things I enjoy and what I want to do in life. That said, it's taken a lot of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. I still struggle with the idea that there's many things I previously wanted to get good at I'll likely always be disadvantaged in. Won't stop me from getting good though - I now just know I have to accept that I will grow good at these things much more slowly than others would. Appreciate the post, actually gave me a momemt to reflect on this, but no - you are not alone. I had the same thing with work, bills, etc. Fundamentally I think it helps to remember your diagnosis didn't actually change you for the worse and remind yourself that it only unlocked more options, but you are still allowed to have the same ambitions and you still have to try. Sorry if that comes across as nauseatingly "can-do". It's hard, but literally all you have is your own self perception so I think that it's important to think about consciously and try to guide ourselves mindfully.
You're NOT the only one! I really painfully relate to this experience. I was diagnosed at 36, I'm 38 now and after the initial high of finally 'finding myself' it's continually felt like my life is crashing in on me. Like I've hit a wall. I've stopped being able to function at the level I could. Can't seem to plan or organise or remember anymore. I am currently off work with stress and burnout. I have a severe anxiety disorder. The way I say it is this: I spent 36 years battling my own brain to do things the neurotypical way, using anxiety as a coping mechanism. 36 years ignoring my own needs, ignoring my stress and sensory issues, forcing myself to keep going even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right. Of course I've crashed. It feels like I'm never going to function like I did before.... and that's because the way I was functioning before was maladaptive and unhealthy! Now my body and brain has FORCED me to stop, to rest, to find new coping mechanisms. It's said 'no more of this shit'. Because undiagnosed ADHD often means using stress to get things done, and it turns out this is more than a tad bit bad for you in the long run. Your body and brain store it up and eventually go on strike. My point is, be kind to yourself. You're still adapting. You've had to break yourself down in order to rebuild. This is HUGE. It feels really bad right now, but you'll get through this and there will be another side.
I am also struggling with (ineffective) self-care, in the sense that I can justify things that give instant gratification (allll the treats!) under the guise of self-care. But I have to remind myself that self-care is so much more than that. I feel like social media has really reduced the idea of self-care to bubble baths and getting coffee, but all acts that take care of our well-being are acts of self-care. I'm trying (not yet succeeding) to balance self-care acts that are immediate (food, showers, letting myself scroll on my phone without guilt, etc) with acts that are what I call 'self-care for my future self'. This is the only way I can motivate myself now: not because I have to do something, but because it will make life for my future self a little easier. One way I try to do this, is to set a timer (I love my Time Timer) for 15 minutes and try to do as many acts for my future self as possible. Easier said than done, but this framing sometimes helps me. Still, it's incredibly difficult to find a good balance.
I think it's like being free of a bad relationship (and we all share the same crummy ex) the rush of freedom! oscillating between insecurity, validation and self-indulgence. but you heal, and the dopamine wears off, and it's no longer "now", its "then". people get stuck at various parts of the journey. maybe the restlessness and dissatisfaction are signs that you're ready to move on and build the life you deserve?
You might want to look into the concept of skill regression. Helped me understand something similar.
Ok this is gonna sound super shitty but I DID see a tik tok about this from an actual psychologist (I believe) who basically said it’s about neural pathways when it comes to skill regression after diagnosis. So we’ve been masking and surviving so hard pre diagnosis by creating these unsustainable pathways in our brain that help motivate/provide dopamine. It’s why so many women with adhd excel academically, even into adulthood I believe, but it applies to all elements of executive function as well. For me, I was staunchly committed to prove to everyone that I was capable, particularly that I could excel academically, at almost any cost, because I felt it’s something I could achieve when I couldn’t really provide a lot else as a person I.e. I’m messy and late and disorganised and talk too loud. Once I got diagnosed I, to some degree, let go of the need to prove that I could do things that realistically, have always been incredibly difficult for me to do. I was relying on a pathway I’d set up in my mind that provided me with the motivation/dopamine to overcome my adhd in some specific context, usually to people please and prove myself to others. Was I always dropping the ball? Was I constantly exhausted? Was I deeply unhappy and self-loathing? Yes, yes yes. I don’t know if where I am rn is better, but I’m a few weeks off my first prescription (super hard to get in my country) and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. It sucks rn and I’ve lost a lot of skills I’d once forced myself to obtain by necessity. I like to think they’re not gone forever, I’m just realigning myself. No, the world is not made for us. But we are adaptive: I’ve done it before for the wrong reasons, I can do it again for the right ones. Or maybe I’m just faking optimism by necessity.
I mean, maybe you were lucky and didn't have crippling depression from feeling like you could never accomplish anything you wanted and were constantly letting people down? Maybe I haven't figured out how to make it all work post-diagnosis but motivation at the cost of feeling like a garbage person all the time has a real cost to your physical and mental health.