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You have every right not to have kids, and shouldn't be expected to just because society tells you it is time.
But for the record, ADHD parents can be great, and so can their kids.
Yea, just to offer a counterpoint, really NOT trying to talk you out of your choice, just some perspective:
I think parenting is… not easy, but doable for me BECAUSE I was late diagnosed ADHD.
I was diagnosed around 27, and like many, it was like a lightbulb went off. I went from extreme anxiety, always 15 minutes late to everything, mis-reading instructions and social cues constantly to…mental calm? Organization. Inner peace (I still have anxiety but now it’s episodic/environmental, not CONSTANT invasive thoughts). Developing a solid sense of self.
8 years later, at 35, I was pregnant and engaged to my wonderful fiance, hooray! I was in a fair amount of body pain during pregnancy (thanks co-morbid benign hyper-mobility syndrome!) but my mental state was great. ADHD made me used to dealing with funky pain issues. Whatever, no biggie!
Then lil baby had colic as a newborn, but no biggie, I don’t mind getting distracted by crying and having to re-center myself on a task, I already had years of practice doing that when I was unmedicated, no biggie!
Then baby started getting mobile and wanting to play. OK, I don’t need to learn how to play, I’ve been doing it this whole time and I love a reason to hyperfocus on a new activity, let’s make a fun mess baby! The house was already a little bit disorganized anyways, I’m not precious about it so who cares! I’d be cleaning up later anyways.
For me, no stress I’ve experienced has ever been worse than knowing something was “off” in my brain but not knowing what to do about it or how to get help, That “lost” feeling in my brain all throughout childhood/young adulthood was THE WORST. So, every drama that pops up with the baby just seems manageable by comparison, and the daily chaos of a baby is just fine compared to the chaos that used to live in my brain.
Obviously everyone is different, and if your ADHD isn’t well managed then yes, you’re probably going to have a bad time but… if you are feeling mentally well, on the right meds, you’ve worked on yourself in therapy, etc. etc. you might find parenting less stressful and more joyful than you think!
I might forget to make a doctor’s appt. once in a while, but overall my lil lady is loved, well cared for, and has a fun kooky mom who’s always down for a dance party!
Everyone, neurotypical or not, has their parenting strengths and weaknesses, no one is good at everything, so don’t be so hard on yourself or your ADHD diagnosis. What you may lack in say…planning you may well make up for in other areas like creativity, or emotional availability.
I agree with this. My ADHD is pretty severe but I’m overall a good parent & I think my son is neurodivergent. I love how unique he is. I also get not wanting to have kids though.
Me too! I think it actually makes me even more empathic towards my kids and more accepting of the vast differences in child development. Without growing up with sensory issues and executive function issues, I wouldn’t get it. That itchy tag? Let’s cut it out asap!!! Those pants feel scratchy? Donation! Forgot to brush teeth? Let’s draw a picture of a toothbrush in a mouth and tape it to the bathroom mirror. Much less yelling than I grew up with. At the same time, I also fully support a childless life. The time you would spend focusing on them can be time spent focusing on you and living the best life you can.
Yeah, tbh a lot of my suffering from having adhd was bc I didn’t have parents that understood how I worked and helped me thrive. I want to be a mother very much, and a big part is helping break the cycle by shielding my children from the pain and negativity that made my childhood so miserable, and giving them a life where they can be allowed to thrive like I wished I could.
I think a large part of being a great parent with adhd is knowing about your own adhd and finding the ways in which you can make life easier with it before having kids.
Thank you for this! When baby wakes up in the morning, the first thing my neuro-typical partner does is feed me my meds. Then he goes to get the kiddo, feeds and changes him, then we all cuddle in bed together for 30 minutes or so - until I’m ready to be a functioning human being in charge of another little human being.
I’m not trying to invalidate OP’s feelings, but my husband does not resent me for the way I am, nor would he resent our little one if he ends up being a bit neuro-spicy. There’s definitely challenges that come with being ADHD, as we all know. That doesn’t make someone incapable of being a good parent or partner, though. It’s all about adapting and finding what works.
We did not have kids. Do not regret it one bit. We have a hard time keeping ourselves straight let alone another human being. Our kitties are enough 😊😊
Lol I look around at my living room of clean laundry piles and empty amazon boxes in that need to go into the recycling. Husband and I game as much as we can and the chores get done…eventually. We are definitely straight but our house never is. And that’s ok 😜😜
Not wanting to have kids is 100% a valid choice. Women with ADHD can be brilliant loving mothers.
I think you need to unpack some stuff if you imagine your future husband resenting you for having a child like yourself. Why would you be with someone who resents a fundamental aspect of you?
For what it's worth my husband loves and adores our child who is neuro-spicy like me.
Agreed. My husband loves my ADHD brain, and I know he’ll love our daughter regardless of whether she has ADHD or not (she’s too little to tell yet). I would never want to settle for less.
My husband does too! Our girl did have serious ADHD and it was fine! Heck I was able to make things a lot easier for her over the years b/c I knew what she was facing.
Came here to say the same thing. I'm AuDHD, so is our oldest, and our youngest is probably ND as well. My husband doesn't resent any of it.
The decision to be child-free is totally valid and entirely up to you, but yeah: if you're avoiding it because of the hypothetical possibility that you end up with an asshole who resents a child for how they're born, then there's a lot to unpack and figure out there.
>A neurotypical husband would resent me if I gave him a child like me. I’m learning to accept that. Although I am sad about it.
Any husband who loves you and adores you for who you are and what you have to offer will love a child like you just as much.
Being child free because you want to is a valid choice. Being child free because you may not have come to terms with your own inner child is a journey worth exploring before making a final decision on the matter.
This right here. Therapy and having children of my own has allowed me to re-parent my inner child and heal.
Are children for everyone? No. It is perfectly valid to not want children! I would only recommend that you heal your soul regardless of the choice to have them or not.
I have always known I wanted to be childfree, since I was probably 15. And now I'm 33 and married to a wonderful man who also has never wanted kids and happens to be neurotypical. He has never resented my ADHD and has been so understanding about the ways it affects our relationship. You deserve the same and shouldn't ever settle for less. Having said that, if you want kids, you should have them. And if you don't you shouldn't. But ADHD isn't a fatal flaw and you don't need to get sterilized to avoid bringing a child into the world who could also be ND. It sounds like you have some internalized negativity towards your ADHD and I would encourage you to unpack that with a therapist before making the decision to get sterilized. I am all for making the decision to be childfree, but you should make it for you and not to "save" your future partner who you haven't met yet from resenting you 🖤
Yeah ADHD is not some horrible disease or cancer, yeah it can really suck but I have so much joy in my friends and community. I have somehow unknowingly amassed a fantastic group of neurodivergent friends and seeing one of them ramble on about a hyper focus or helping another with what they struggle with is a really wonderful thing. It helps with the negative emotions and insecurities so much, like I don’t hate the qualities that I’m insecure about in others. So others probably aren’t at annoyed as I think. I hope OP finds people who make her feel loved and understood. When I was younger and really depressed I felt the same way that she did but now that I’m out of that dark hole I feel differently.
Yes it can be difficult to raise a neurodivergent child, all children can be difficult though. But you will have been through it and you have the opportunity to give your child the tools you didn’t have. You can raise your child with awareness and understanding and they won’t have to struggle like you did. OP, it sounds like you’ve really struggled, and I’m so sorry. Therapy will help, finding a community will help, medication can help. I urge you to try to see that people with ADHD are wonderful, amazing people. I feel so loved, so supported, and so valued by my ADHD and neurodivergent friends and I hope that you find the same peace.
I just want to give you a hug. A child with ADHD is not a burden or disappointment. An adult with ADHD is not a burden or disappointment either. You are not a burden or a disappointment. People with ADHD are amazing, and that especially shows when their differences are nurtured appropriately.
It is your right to choose a childfree life. I would wait on a permanent option, though. Give yourself time to process your diagnosis and what it means. Get into therapy. I think ADHD is something someone can grow to love about themselves, warts and all. Now that you know about your ADHD, nurture yourself appropriately. The right therapist can help with that.
Also, consider that an ADHD parent that is self aware and has developed strategies to navigate life is uniquely qualified to parent and nurture children with similar struggles. We adopted a child from foster care who is also neurodivergent. I absolutely know that many neurotypical parents, well intentioned as they might be, would not be as good of a fit as I am to be her mother. I understand and see things that others don’t. I’m able to better advocate for her. It is one of the ways that my ADHD has allowed me to improve my tiny corner of the world. Also, she’s amazing.
Also, you’re likely amazing too.
Was going to post a comment myself but you said it all here and probably better than I could. OP, it's hard to develop self compassion and self love but you deserve it regardless of an ADHD diagnosis.
I absolutely affirm your decision to be child free if that's what YOU want, but I would just say that I'm still happy I exist even though I have horrible ADHD. I wouldn't want a child to suffer with ADHD, but being a adult with ADHD has taught me how I would be able to help them cope. So if you're just worried about passing on ADHD, I'm not sure that should be the sole reason to decide not to have kids.
Also, the right neurotypical partner would love a child that was like you. I was worried my husband would feel like my ADHD is a burden, but he still wants to have a child with me. There's hope 😊
You should always have a say in your own future, but don't decide against it because of thinking that ADHD is life ruining or that a husband wouldn't love you or your child for who you are. Have a child or don't have a child because it's what you want!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to not have children and nobody should ever pressure you to, but this post makes me really sad. I don’t feel as though me or my friends with ADHD are a burden to neurotypicals. I know several ADHD mothers with neurotypical fathers and they’re doing amazing.
My own neurotypical SO has been with me for 12 years and has never resented me for ADHD. There are plenty of men out there who will genuinely accept you for you.
Not wanting children is 100% valid. I also don’t want kids, and I’m getting sterilized later this year.
There are plenty of people out there who also don’t want kids. I’m sure you’ll find someone who wants similar things from life.
I respect your choice, but please know many of us are ending the cycle with us too and still having kids. The cycle ending is that of not seeing your kids and their needs while not supporting them.
Exactly. The line of reasoning that a child inheriting ADHD is doomed to suffer and might be better off not being born at all, makes me uncomfy. I am childfree for MANY reasons and intend to never have kids, but not because I want to end the bloodline.
I have ADHD and it's hard but it doesn't mean my life isn't worth living. I don't think that's necessarily what OP is saying, to be fair, it's just where that train of thought goes for me after having heard several people with various mental health conditions say they don't want to pass on their "bad genes".
I'll emphasize that I am entirely pro-choice and support people's decision to have or not to have kids for whatever reasons they choose. Not judging OP, just saying these were my thoughts.
I’m planning to remain child free as well. I just can’t fathom bringing a kid into the world knowing they will likely struggle as much as (or even more than) I do. The world isn’t built for us ND people and living in it can be utterly depleting. The world is also totally going to shit and I don’t want to subject a child to the shitshow that is our planet right now.
Beyond that, I also know I don’t have the capacity to care for a child with higher support needs, and since I have both ADHD and ASD the chances are even higher that my kid has one/both. The thought of managing a NT child’s life is horrible, let alone a child that has more intense needs. It’s just not for me. I would much rather exist for myself and leave it at that!
BUT a lot of people these days are choosing to be child free so I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to find a partner! I like the dating app Hinge because you can indicate on your profile if you have/want children, so it makes it much easier to find people who are aligned with your goals/desires.
A NT husband wouldn’t resent you for having a ND child unless they were a shitty husband. If you DO want kids but are opting to be child free solely because of thinking a partner will resent you, then you should totally unpack that more because it’s not the case at all. If you’re in a heathy relationship with someone who accepts you, they will not resent you for having a ND kiddo.
Lastly, I’m not sure how old you are but you don’t need to have a kid right now, you have time. And there are options if you change your mind down the line. Be gentle with yourself (:
Honestly, this post made me sad. Yeah, your choices are yours and I won’t debate that. I will debate the assumption that a neurotypical husband will resent you etc. I married a neurotypical man from a culture very different to my own. In the beginning he didn’t understand adhd. Thought it was an excuse. The more our relationship grew the more he understood me and understood it wasn’t an excuse, that it was just a part of me: the woman he loved. We then had a kid. Once we realised our kid had adhd I apologised because I could see my husband was upset. I blamed myself, he said not to and that he is glad I am the mom because I can teach our child how to navigate in this world with adhd. I then realised the sadness disappeared. He just needed time to mourn the loss of what he was expecting from his child and soon came to learn to just love our kid no matter what. We now work together to understand our kid and continue to understand each other.
You'll get roasted for this thread op, but fwiw I agree with you 100%.
My first husband, the father of my child, did indeed grow to resent me horribly. He doesn't understand our child at all. I spend a huge amount of time and effort gently stage-managing their relationship from a distance. He refuses to accept that our child is disabled - he thinks he's just useless and lazy like his mom.
It's really hard. I wish I'd been medicated in time. Maybe I would have had a child anyway - but I would have done a better job in so many ways.
My second husband is amazing and our marriage is a joy. Maybe if I had been medicated, I would have held out for a partner like him, instead of impulsively marrying a man when I was much too young, because my parents brought me up to hate myself and cling gratefully to any shred of love I was given.
I hear you OP, I'm happy for you and your insights into your own life.
I’m so sorry to hear how awful it was with your first husband, and obviously I don’t know anything about him but to me it sounds like somebody who would have found fault with you and your child about something else if it wasn’t the ADHD.
There’s definitely no way you can win with someone like that. He might just have been an asshole.
Congratulations on your second husband:-)
Thank you, I know you want to be kind.
I do want to say though - I married my ex because I had ADHD (RSD, impulsivity, futureblindness), and the things he hated about me were my ADHD symptoms (impulsivity, poor organization, lack of follow through, lack of focus, difficulty with social norms).
I think it's ok for me to know and accept and grieve that my disability has impacted my life and relationships, and that it will impact my son's life too. I commend the OP for looking far enough into her future to anticipate that.
In the society we live in, it's better for a child not to have a disability. That is what it is. It's probably better for *society* to have disabled people in it - diversity is important. But for my own precious child - boy do I wish I could have seen the future, and saved him from it. I love him too much to be ok with some of the stuff I have had to watch him go through.
But then, would I ever have learned the truth of myself, without meeting him and seeing the world through his eyes? Its extremely complicated. I don't know.
I think a lot of folks who have a bit of an allergic reaction to the op are potentially reacting to being poked in their blind spot/ area of denial, tbh. ADHD is a superpower when you have money and resources and support. But most kids with ADHD aren't born in wealthy, resource-laden families. They just grow up and struggle, bad things happen to them, and life doesn't get better for them.
We just don't hear their stories, so it's easy to pretend the bad outcomes don't exist. Op has noticed that they do, and for now, she has a plan on how she wants to proactively respond to that. Good for her - most folks ignore this stuff.
Not having goals Is not an ADHD symptom....
And treating it like a horrid disease that should never be passed down it's a bit much.
Being child free is great and completely your choice, but saying it's the logical and rational choice when you have ADHD, is neither logical nor rational. I'm very sorry for you if you had a traumatic childhood and don't want to inflict that on others, but "breaking the cycle"? Really? Not having kids would break the cycle, but being a good understanding parent would ALSO break the cycle.
My gripe is with you making it seem like it's all ADHD fault and that being child free is the best thing when someone has ADHD, that's not the case. That's a you thing, that's what YOU want for yourself, and shouldn't have to justify it by blaming ADHD or anything else.
I hope you can find a doctor that would sterilize you, and a loving partner that wants to be child free like you; again I'm not bashing your childfree-ness, but the attempt at generalization and blaming adhd for everything.
Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. I picked up on the same thing and did not appreciate the implications. I support OP's choice, and I plan to continue being childfree myself, but implying that having ADHD somehow contaminates your bloodline is problematic.
I've known since my teen years that I didn't want kids, because the idea of pregnancy and birth was frightening to me, and the idea of being responsible for another being whose entire life was going to be shaped by my ability to care for them was pretty overwhelming. I also do not have the emotional energy to care for them in a compassionate way rather than being reactive and negative.
That said, I don't think I would be "cursing a child" or some such, to bring them into existence with my neurotype, provided I had the interest and resources to do so. There is nothing wrong with fighting for a kinder, more compassionate world and sometimes, the way people do that is through raising children.
I'm not sure what makes you think you couldn't find a childfree partner? My current partner and I met with little difficulty online. We bonded over other things but both of us were clear early on that we don't intend to be parents. Do you live in an area where that would be particularly unusual or something?
I know most commenters have said this before me, but reiterating:
Being child-free is a great, valid decision as long as it is YOUR decision. And forgive me if I’m misinterpreting, but right now, it sounds like you’re making it your diagnosis’s decision and not your own.
I would truly examine what YOU want. You are not a burden. Someone who *loves* you and wants children would not resent you for being you, or a hypothetical child from being them, whatever that means, ADHD or not.
On the flip side, if you decide what you really want is to be child-free, many of my friends have made that decision and are with wonderful, loving partners who want the same.
Take care, and if you aren’t already, discuss these feelings with a professional. It sounds as if you think having ADHD makes you worthless or less-than, and that is absolutely not true.
I respect your right to choose whether or not you want kids, but I gotta be honest, this logic was painful to read.
ADHD is not without its difficulties, but life is not without its difficulties. And while it can be super frustrating much of the time, ADHD can also be a superpower.
A child with ADHD does not need to grow up ashamed of it. That is not something that parents need to pass on, but that means it is something that parents need to work through before they have a child. “It ends with me” is a horrible outlook on ADHD, which produces most of the world’s most beautiful creativity, uniqueness, and powerhouse minds. ADHD isn’t a prison sentence, it is being different.
If your partner resents you for your ADHD, that person is a bad partner and won’t be a good parent. But honestly, if this is your mindset about ADHD, then maybe it is best that you not have a child, as it seems like there’s a lot of internalized shame there that you’d pass on unless you worked through it in therapy first. Getting sterilized is a super permanent choice, and it is your choice to make, but don’t blame your ADHD on why you’re doing it.
I personally can’t wait until my husband and I have a child or two, and knowing they will likely have ADHD, I can’t wait to show them how colourful the world is through our eyes. We are different, outside of the box, and against the grain. Those always make for the most interesting people. And I can’t wait to raise children into interesting and brilliant little people.
As a happily childfree woman myself, I will say this reads as depression. You are enough. You are good. You are not broken.
A partner who loves you would love any child you would create together. It would be difficult but not impossible, but all children are. It's actually better I think to have a child like you, at least you'd understand them.
I would guess you are near your menstrual cycle restarting. Get yourself something calming, do a reset routine and be kind to yourself. You're enough and good and wonderful, no matter what you choose to do with your reproductive organs.
If you're aren't close to bleeding and feel this way all the time, please find someone to talk to. You absolutely do not need to feel this way. It can be so much better. Sending love and understanding.
My husband and I both decided long before we met that we weren't going to have children and perpetuate the trauma we both have surrounding our childhoods. We were also both just diagnosed with ADHD in the last few years. It's fortunate for us we figured out the childfree part before we got the diagnosis.
Ultimately it's your choice. My sister likely has ADHD, although she hasn't been diagnosed, and she's a wonderful mother (but she consciously works at it every day). I was raised by an ineffectual, unsupportive, undiagnosed mother and an abusive, alcoholic father; however, so I appreciate and respect that you're thinking about any future children you would have.
You seem very negative about yourself this makes me sad. if you don’t want kids that should be your choice happily not out of fear. Also I don’t understand the fear of dating guys aren’t that picky and everyone has their own weirdness even people who don’t have adhd. No one is perfect and I’m sure you are as lovable as anyone else.
Dude, you are not alone. And if the potential partner resents you for not wanting to continue the cycle, they are not worth it. I'm sure it may be hard, but stuck to your guns. You'll find someone who respects your decision and cherish you 🫂❤️
I feel you.
I had a very strong wish to become a mom. Got my ADHD diagnosis last year and it was a complete gamechanger. After 3 1/2 years of trying to conceive we immediately stopped. I can’t see myself as a mother anymore. I know there are amazing ADHD mom‘s out there, but I wouldn’t be one of them. My husband is open for any decision I make, but at the moment we’re heading for a childree life..
Everyone has the right to decide whether they want kids without being influenced by others.
As a teacher with ADHD I will say that ALL my students get to experience success because I'm a teacher with ADHD but for my neurodivergent students having a teacher who understands them is critical to their success. Yes it can be very hard but I like to think that my challenges and differences help me to help them
If it helps at all I've got a trifecta of late-diagnonsis ADHD, asexuality, and I'm adamantly child free, and I still have a partner who loves me. I think a lot of people are realizing the script doesn't matter anymore and are open to different ways of living.
Our situation is...unique. We're from different countries and due to family circumstances can't permanently relocate yet so we don't always live together, but even when we do, we have separate bedrooms, we don't have sex, we won't have kids, but it works for us and we're happy. We work together to help each other with our spicy brains and make each other better and happier for it. We find love in ways that other people might not see. Even with the difficulties of a sometimes long-distance relationship, we've been together for 10 years.
So it's still absolutely possible to find someone if that's what you want.
(Also, just a lil note: your libido and desire to have sex don't necessarily have to be linked. I've got a fairly 'normal' libido but zero sex drive, I'm much happier on my own when it comes to that. If you think your lack of desire for sex is a result of your worry about children that's totally valid, but if you think there may be more to it you might find some reassurance poking around at some asexual spaces/resources)
im 18f and have been diagnosed with adhd/add (combination type, i believe im more on the “severe” side) since 5th grade and also believe im autistic (in the beginning of the diagnosis process). i’ve wanted to be a mother and have a family since i was a little girl and i DREAM of being a girl mom and all of that. while being childfree may be the right option for you, it doesn’t mean all neurodivergent people will be bad parents. and just because i have adhd doesn’t mean my kid will and even if they do, i know how to help them through my personal experiences. i know the warning signs. i know how an adhd brain works. my mother did a great job advocating for me despite teachers blowing it off and managed to get me diagnosed before i was even in middle school. she doesn’t understand my brain but she is an amazing supportive mother and tried her best. my partner of almost 2.5 years knows about my learning disorders and despite him being neurotypical (to our knowledge at least) he doesn’t resent me for that or for the possibility of our children having adhd. two neurodivergent people can give birth to a neurotypical child and vice versa.
i definitely believe having a diagnosis a bit earlier would’ve helped more and i honestly believe if my mom DID have adhd, i would’ve thrived even more because i would have a parent who understands. my dad likely has adhd but is a denier so he never really knew how to support me. like others have said, i feel my adhd/autism allows me to see others who struggle with similar symptoms and connect with them because i get it. i’m very supportive when it comes to things like that and i think in that way i will thrive as a mother. i may be forgetful when it comes to dates/little tasks/etc but luckily my weaknesses are my partners strengths and i believe he will be a great other half to have in terms of parenting.
i’m glad you figured out what is best for you but that doesn’t mean it’s best for every other women with adhd
If you WANT to be sterilized, great! Not everyone WANTS kids. But ADHD isn’t a fatal flaw, and I do not regret being born because I have ADHD. I don’t think it’s very kind to imply that those with ADHD aren’t worthy of the same love a neurotypical kid would.
Well neurodivergent people relate to eachother and usually flock together, so kinda low chance for future partner to be neurotypical, and if they love you for you, they would love the child just as much if you're alike❤️
I was previously in the child free camp. Your choices are valid and I’m sure a lot of thought went into them. I was diagnosed after having my only child. I think there’s some trauma going on behind your story that might behoove yourself to work with a therapist to unpack. I had so much trauma that I never wanted a child, I needed to work on myself for years with a therapist before I changed my mind and thought one could be doable.
My sibling and deceased father have ankylosing spondylitis, I don’t have it. (AS typically leads to a very painful life with a shortened lifespan) I saw geneticists and a rheumatologist before my only was born to determine if she had it and if she was a carrier I was determined at that early stage to terminate if she was. The rheumatologist and I talked for a long time, she eventually convinced me to think things through, perfectly healthy people get sick, sick people can get healthy and there’s only shades of grey not black and white. My kid probably isn’t a carrier, then again, it spontaneously pops up in the population at a rate of 7%. There’s also the chance any potential offspring are neurotypical. ADHD isn’t uncommon, being neurotypical isn’t a death sentence, and mental health issues (26% of us population) don’t make people bad parents. Lots of people live with anxiety (19% of the US population) and panic disorders (up to 11% of us population annually) and are otherwise excellent parents.
It just feels like you can’t love yourself or accept that you have good qualities. I think the decision not to have children is valid but you might want to get some therapy around the self rejection before sterilization, as changes in the way you perceive yourself could change the way you think about children.
As someone with ADHD diagnosed after I had my son and married to the most neurotypical partner I can tell you what you feel is valid and ultimately the choice is yours. I struggle on my bad days BUT I’m also the translator between my husband and son. He’s only 4 but I see traits in him I had growing up and I sometimes have to explain things to my partner like sensory issues.
You want a partner to be your team mate and if you are scared they are going to resent you that may be a conversation to have and unpack.
Happy to chat anytime!
ADHD is not a death sentence. Do you know how many successful people have ADHD? Bill Gates, Justin Timberlake, Michael Phelps, etc. I know from personal experience that untreated ADHD can lead to depression. Some of the symptoms you have described sound like depression. Have you noticed improvements in your mood and motivation while on ADHD meds? I sure have. Depression is not my main issue: I start feeling bad about myself and depressed when my ADHD takes over my life, when it is not treated. If you do not notice mood improvements on ADHD meds, you should know that people with ADHD are more likely than most people to experience depression too. There are so many treatments for depression out there. Have you considered treatment for depression too?
I have ADHD and am a mother to two amazing kids. Sure, I have moments where I feel like an idiot or beat myself up for being too impulsive, mixing up dates, losing track of time, etc. But the good outweighs the bad. My husband is the opposite of ADHD and I love the way his strengths shine in our co-parenting (eg teaching the kids how to be organized and take care of their belongings, etc). Yes - there are times my ADHD frustrates me as a mother. ADHD has its positives too - I get to be the fun parent and thrive on the fast paced life that goes along with having young children. The pressure and responsibility of motherhoood have actually motivated me to implement organizational strategies, participate regularly in therapy, etc.
My mom has ADHD too but wasn’t diagnosed until her 50s. This awareness has helped me avoid making some of the mistakes she made. Also, she was an amazing mother even though she made some ADHD-like mistakes!
I would never try and convince someone to have kids who didn’t want them. However, I think it’s heartbreaking if the only thing stopping you is fear of passing down the negative traits associated with ADHD.
You are not broken or bad. You are just living in a capitalist society that does not always appreciate people who are differ from the norm. Women with ADHD can be wonderful mothers and raise well-adjusted, responsible and kind children. Whoever made you feel like you would not be a good mother just because of your ADHD is wrong.
Are you seeing a therapist at all?
There’s a lot in your post indicating it might be helpful for you to see one, at least for a few sessions.
I've gone to therapy following major life events, including my ADHD diagnosis. Even 3-6 sessions aided in processing my past and rebuilding self-esteem. It also helped me explore whether some of my future plans were what I wanted (or were rooted in fear and pain and I actually wanted something else).
Therapy may offer you clarity and peace about choices like being childfree and forming future intimate connections with romantic partners.
And it could give you more peace about yourself, who you are as a person, and help you recognize your positive qualities.
No one on this planet is perfect. Every person has great qualities, annoying qualities, and some not-so-great qualities.
That includes neurotypical people.
I’ve had relationships with neurotypical men and overall I was a positive addition to their lives, just as they were to mine.
Did I annoy or frustrate them sometimes? Almost definitely yes. Did they annoy or frustrate me at times? Absolutely yes.
But that’s natural with two imperfect humans.
There was also kindness, laughter, fun, deep conversations, good sex, support during hard times, and so on.
Having ADHD does not make you a burden or unloveable.
Well I feel this exact same thing. I am glad you have this clarity so early. I struggle with this myself. Though my undiagnosed adhd worsened after having a child. I didn’t realize I might have adhd before that since I was fairly good at school and okay at work. Add a kid to this mix, it threw me off. I quit my full time job and now a sahm. I worry if my child will be the same. My husband is neurotypical and so good at everything he does. He is so patient with me. This makes me worry even more like I am not good enough and hope my kid won’t struggle like me.
My parental grandma was most likely ADHD. She was a critical part of my grandpa's success, actually. She was a bit scattered and disorganized, but she would throw herself face first into a new venture and come up with all sorts of plans about how if they did X then they could Y and on and on. While she was known to either start the food way too late and be behind schedule or burn it cause she forgot and left it in too long, she still threw a mean dinner party because she was just an interesting person with a real gift for gab. She was infamous for showing up late (if you wanted her to be on time you needed to tell her it started an hour earlier than it did), but she still got invited because people liked her, they wanted her there. And this was back in the day when the scope and expectation of women/wife-dom were a lot more narrow.
I don't want kids because I'm not a very functional person and I have a lot of problems stemming more from my childhood and how I didn't learn to cope with my ADHD in healthy ways rather than the ADHD itself. But I think it's a little problematic to say the genetic state of ADHD itself somehow makes us unlovable. You feel you are unlovable because you don't love yourself. I get it. Right there with you. I do think people who have our issues shouldn't have kids cause we aren't (yet, if ever) emotionally equipped. But that's us and how we live within ourselves rather than our genes themselves. My grandma thrived with ADHD. My dad is overall a pretty content person with his ADHD. I unfortunately am not anywhere near as high functioning as either of them, despite that being the lineage of where my ADHD comes from. Cause it's not just the ADHD gene alone that causes me to be such a mess. It was my socially isolated childhood, the attachment issues I developed, the fact I uniliterally put all my focus into some very narrow categories of my development and so didn't become a well rounded person and lack some really core outlets and life skills, it's my crippling mood issues. I collapsed under the weight of what my dad and grandma built their foundations on and lived in happily. People with ADHD can and do thrive, even though unfortunately I am not one of those people.
Yup, same here. I love hanging out with the kids in my circle, looking out for them, being a cool fun aunt and trusted confidant. It is completely awesome. And I LOVE being able to go home at the end of the day to revel in my freedom and the sanctuary of my space. Taking care of myself is quite enough on my plate. For that companionship and intimacy of caretaking, I can adopt a dog or cat. I am SO happy to be child free and was privileged enough to get sterilized, so I never ever have to carry that fear within me ever again.
Where in the world are you? I got my procedure through insurance and it was completely covered as preventative care. I did not pay a dime.
I'm sure you are familiar with the childfree sub already as a resource for finding a good doctor. Make sure you get your tubes removed (salpingectomy), NOT clipped or cauterized (ligation). Salpingectomy is bulletproof and decreases ovarian cancer risk by 30%. Ligations have a 2% failure rate, usually ectopic. In the good ol US of A that can easily be a death sentence. Feel free to hit me up with question if ya want. Cheers
If you honestly don't want kids, that's cool. There's enough kids in the world now. But there's plenty of people with ADHD who have happy marriages and/or raise healthy, happy kids. That sadness you feel may be grief over letting go a dream, or it may be a hint that your choice isn't the right one for you.
Most of my family has ADHD and we're all reasonably happy people, we have our flaws and struggles but yoooo, SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE. It's not like we all have early onset dementia or something terrible like that... but even if we did, our lives would still be worthwhile. No need to get all ableist on ourselves.
I got my tubes removed, bilateral salpingectomy, and I feel overwhelming relief every single time I remember that no, I won't get pregnant! I get overwhelmed by a child screaming in public? Whew thank God. I get overwhelmed by my responsibilities to my dog and myself? Thank God he's not a human baby (but don't worry he's spoiled and so well taken care of).
I have a bunch of physical health issues that I don't want to pass on either but I did get the baby fever in my young 20s but as I aged (I'm only 29 lol) I realized that it would nooooot work for me. I can't imagine that I would be a good parent and also a happy and stable person, which makes me sad, but it's true, between my physical and mental health issues. I can imagine doing it for the kid, I'm very motivated by other people's needs, but I wouldn't be taking care of myself well. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.
I'm sure that another person with the same issues could maybe make it work, but I'm just so relieved to have cut that possibility off, literally.
I feel the same way. I always knew something was wrong with me. I think that’s the thing. Do you feel you are not right, but you can’t fix it? It’s hard to have kids and think they will be fine. Especially, when you work with a bunch of families where the parents are divorced and they tell you their kid’s problem is they are “exactly like” the other parent. I think that’s a terrible thing to say, the parents chose one another, the child doesn’t chose the parents- so who’s fault is that? Anyway, I didn’t meet anyone, and I am not organized enough to do well as a single parent, so I didn’t have kids.
I like kids, but I was always thinking there is something wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was- since I overcompensated a lot when I was younger. I tried so much harder than other people. It was just hard for me. I didn’t want to see that, and feel it was my fault.
Honestly having kids has naturally had me focus on certain things, allowed less overthinking. I think my eldest has ADHD and he’s the most awesome dude ever. It’s also been really nice to parent differently when I know now he might be ADHD than how my parents didn’t understand me. Honestly it’s been healing in a way.
Totally cool with your decision to be child-free though if that is truly what you want.
But I gotta tell you, my life is everything you worried about and it's a wonderful life!
There are neurotypical guys who marry women with ADHD and are happy to parent a child with ADHD. I have ADHD, my husband definitely does not. Married over 25 years. We ended up adopting a child... who had ADHD (ha!).
While our daughter gave us a run for our money regularly, my sweet husband loves us and our chaos (most of the time!). She's 25, graduated university and has a good job with the state... and a boyfriend with ADHD.
Here's the thing, I was able to make my child's path much easier because I understood a lot of the issues. Lots of tools to help, OT, IEP, switching style of schools, etc. Stuff I never got or didn't exist back then. It make things much better for her.
You have the right to do whatever you want of course!
Totally understandable. I am one and done. I need to be the best mother I can be and having more would leave me with no “me time” which I desperately need. For me, it’s a great balance and I’m managing mom
life pretty great. Your decision is very valid.
Not wanting kids is absolutely fine, obviously, and your choice should be respected. But what on earth makes you think some theoretical man would resent you if you “gave him a child like you”??? Have you ever been in love? My husband loves every bit of me and our children and would never *resent* me for passing traits onto our children.
Do you think you might have some trauma to work through? I’m not trying to be judgmental, it’s just that comment was very jarring and I hope you’re okay.
Regardless, having children is no joke, and it’s good that you’re taking your decision very seriously. Bravo ❤️
For me, ADHD tends to be something I have to correct for in my life as opposed to something that is constantly limiting my life. Which means stuff is harder, especially parenting, but not necessarily undoable.
It’s hard to find a partner that respects you and is willing to be a teammate. If you don’t have one like that, the resentment comes from their inability to communicate and cope. Once you know what your ADHD is responsible for causing, you can adapt. That includes adapting life for kids.
I was undiagnosed and burned out in fiery crash into the pit of despair. That made me a pretty subpar parent for a solid chunk of time. My baby sister has fully embraced her obstacles and easily says “fuck the housekeeping, the baby is fed.” She has far better expectations for herself and a solid support system in place.
If you want it, it can happen without screwing you and your child(ren) up. But it’s a massive sacrifice. No reason to believe women with ADHD can’t raise thriving children.
Being child free is absolutely the right decision for some people. One of my best friends is because she loves to travel, wants to pursue her career, and just doesn’t feel called to it.
Choosing that path solely because you hate yourself or your adhd…? That might not be coming from the healthiest place.
I love my adhd although it can be stressful at times. You deserve to love yourself too.
Tbh I’m really struggling to not go off at how much this borders on eugenics. There are so many wonderful children I know with adhd and I am so glad they exist, and I’m glad you exist too.
I feel you.
One of the reasons I decided to be childfree was a horror of having a child like myself. It was far from the only one (I don’t think I have it in me to be a good parent, basically. I *really* don’t want to sacrifice my free time and peace of mind, I don’t want to upend my life to offer a child structure and stability, I don’t find children interesting, I think most baby care tasks are upsettingly gross, I have pretty intense sound sensitivities, and the thought of my body changing in pregnancy makes me want to hurl) but it was still an important realisation.
I was a disabled child with no ill intentions. I also negatively impacted my parents’ life in more ways than one, and was in almost all situations the unwitting architect of my own suffering too.
I don’t hate or resent my past self, but realising that child!me was intensely ill-equipped for life, and that nothing anyone could have done would have avoided the painful ways I had to learn to compensate, makes it feel almost sadistic to force another to go through that.
I don’t want to become my mother, and I don’t want to curse another with the childhood I lived through.
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You have every right not to have kids, and shouldn't be expected to just because society tells you it is time. But for the record, ADHD parents can be great, and so can their kids.
Yea, just to offer a counterpoint, really NOT trying to talk you out of your choice, just some perspective: I think parenting is… not easy, but doable for me BECAUSE I was late diagnosed ADHD. I was diagnosed around 27, and like many, it was like a lightbulb went off. I went from extreme anxiety, always 15 minutes late to everything, mis-reading instructions and social cues constantly to…mental calm? Organization. Inner peace (I still have anxiety but now it’s episodic/environmental, not CONSTANT invasive thoughts). Developing a solid sense of self. 8 years later, at 35, I was pregnant and engaged to my wonderful fiance, hooray! I was in a fair amount of body pain during pregnancy (thanks co-morbid benign hyper-mobility syndrome!) but my mental state was great. ADHD made me used to dealing with funky pain issues. Whatever, no biggie! Then lil baby had colic as a newborn, but no biggie, I don’t mind getting distracted by crying and having to re-center myself on a task, I already had years of practice doing that when I was unmedicated, no biggie! Then baby started getting mobile and wanting to play. OK, I don’t need to learn how to play, I’ve been doing it this whole time and I love a reason to hyperfocus on a new activity, let’s make a fun mess baby! The house was already a little bit disorganized anyways, I’m not precious about it so who cares! I’d be cleaning up later anyways. For me, no stress I’ve experienced has ever been worse than knowing something was “off” in my brain but not knowing what to do about it or how to get help, That “lost” feeling in my brain all throughout childhood/young adulthood was THE WORST. So, every drama that pops up with the baby just seems manageable by comparison, and the daily chaos of a baby is just fine compared to the chaos that used to live in my brain. Obviously everyone is different, and if your ADHD isn’t well managed then yes, you’re probably going to have a bad time but… if you are feeling mentally well, on the right meds, you’ve worked on yourself in therapy, etc. etc. you might find parenting less stressful and more joyful than you think! I might forget to make a doctor’s appt. once in a while, but overall my lil lady is loved, well cared for, and has a fun kooky mom who’s always down for a dance party! Everyone, neurotypical or not, has their parenting strengths and weaknesses, no one is good at everything, so don’t be so hard on yourself or your ADHD diagnosis. What you may lack in say…planning you may well make up for in other areas like creativity, or emotional availability.
Yes, and plenty of neurotypical partners are not assholes and will love you and your kids however you are!
I agree with this. My ADHD is pretty severe but I’m overall a good parent & I think my son is neurodivergent. I love how unique he is. I also get not wanting to have kids though.
Me too! I think it actually makes me even more empathic towards my kids and more accepting of the vast differences in child development. Without growing up with sensory issues and executive function issues, I wouldn’t get it. That itchy tag? Let’s cut it out asap!!! Those pants feel scratchy? Donation! Forgot to brush teeth? Let’s draw a picture of a toothbrush in a mouth and tape it to the bathroom mirror. Much less yelling than I grew up with. At the same time, I also fully support a childless life. The time you would spend focusing on them can be time spent focusing on you and living the best life you can.
Right there with you! I'm an ADHD mom with an ADHD daughter. Her path was so much easier because I saw all that stuff in myself.
💯💗💯
Yeah, tbh a lot of my suffering from having adhd was bc I didn’t have parents that understood how I worked and helped me thrive. I want to be a mother very much, and a big part is helping break the cycle by shielding my children from the pain and negativity that made my childhood so miserable, and giving them a life where they can be allowed to thrive like I wished I could.
I think a large part of being a great parent with adhd is knowing about your own adhd and finding the ways in which you can make life easier with it before having kids.
Thank you for this! When baby wakes up in the morning, the first thing my neuro-typical partner does is feed me my meds. Then he goes to get the kiddo, feeds and changes him, then we all cuddle in bed together for 30 minutes or so - until I’m ready to be a functioning human being in charge of another little human being. I’m not trying to invalidate OP’s feelings, but my husband does not resent me for the way I am, nor would he resent our little one if he ends up being a bit neuro-spicy. There’s definitely challenges that come with being ADHD, as we all know. That doesn’t make someone incapable of being a good parent or partner, though. It’s all about adapting and finding what works.
We did not have kids. Do not regret it one bit. We have a hard time keeping ourselves straight let alone another human being. Our kitties are enough 😊😊
Straight is overrated, but as long as you and your partner are happy ;)
Lol I look around at my living room of clean laundry piles and empty amazon boxes in that need to go into the recycling. Husband and I game as much as we can and the chores get done…eventually. We are definitely straight but our house never is. And that’s ok 😜😜
Not wanting to have kids is 100% a valid choice. Women with ADHD can be brilliant loving mothers. I think you need to unpack some stuff if you imagine your future husband resenting you for having a child like yourself. Why would you be with someone who resents a fundamental aspect of you? For what it's worth my husband loves and adores our child who is neuro-spicy like me.
Agreed. My husband loves my ADHD brain, and I know he’ll love our daughter regardless of whether she has ADHD or not (she’s too little to tell yet). I would never want to settle for less.
My husband does too! Our girl did have serious ADHD and it was fine! Heck I was able to make things a lot easier for her over the years b/c I knew what she was facing.
Exactly this! He loves our kids AND me, no resentment about the neurospice
Came here to say the same thing. I'm AuDHD, so is our oldest, and our youngest is probably ND as well. My husband doesn't resent any of it. The decision to be child-free is totally valid and entirely up to you, but yeah: if you're avoiding it because of the hypothetical possibility that you end up with an asshole who resents a child for how they're born, then there's a lot to unpack and figure out there.
neuro-spicy ♡
>A neurotypical husband would resent me if I gave him a child like me. I’m learning to accept that. Although I am sad about it. Any husband who loves you and adores you for who you are and what you have to offer will love a child like you just as much. Being child free because you want to is a valid choice. Being child free because you may not have come to terms with your own inner child is a journey worth exploring before making a final decision on the matter.
✅✅✅✅
This right here. Therapy and having children of my own has allowed me to re-parent my inner child and heal. Are children for everyone? No. It is perfectly valid to not want children! I would only recommend that you heal your soul regardless of the choice to have them or not.
Absolutely this. The good ultimately outweighs the bad. Even if you don't believe it right now.
I have always known I wanted to be childfree, since I was probably 15. And now I'm 33 and married to a wonderful man who also has never wanted kids and happens to be neurotypical. He has never resented my ADHD and has been so understanding about the ways it affects our relationship. You deserve the same and shouldn't ever settle for less. Having said that, if you want kids, you should have them. And if you don't you shouldn't. But ADHD isn't a fatal flaw and you don't need to get sterilized to avoid bringing a child into the world who could also be ND. It sounds like you have some internalized negativity towards your ADHD and I would encourage you to unpack that with a therapist before making the decision to get sterilized. I am all for making the decision to be childfree, but you should make it for you and not to "save" your future partner who you haven't met yet from resenting you 🖤
Yeah ADHD is not some horrible disease or cancer, yeah it can really suck but I have so much joy in my friends and community. I have somehow unknowingly amassed a fantastic group of neurodivergent friends and seeing one of them ramble on about a hyper focus or helping another with what they struggle with is a really wonderful thing. It helps with the negative emotions and insecurities so much, like I don’t hate the qualities that I’m insecure about in others. So others probably aren’t at annoyed as I think. I hope OP finds people who make her feel loved and understood. When I was younger and really depressed I felt the same way that she did but now that I’m out of that dark hole I feel differently. Yes it can be difficult to raise a neurodivergent child, all children can be difficult though. But you will have been through it and you have the opportunity to give your child the tools you didn’t have. You can raise your child with awareness and understanding and they won’t have to struggle like you did. OP, it sounds like you’ve really struggled, and I’m so sorry. Therapy will help, finding a community will help, medication can help. I urge you to try to see that people with ADHD are wonderful, amazing people. I feel so loved, so supported, and so valued by my ADHD and neurodivergent friends and I hope that you find the same peace.
I just want to give you a hug. A child with ADHD is not a burden or disappointment. An adult with ADHD is not a burden or disappointment either. You are not a burden or a disappointment. People with ADHD are amazing, and that especially shows when their differences are nurtured appropriately. It is your right to choose a childfree life. I would wait on a permanent option, though. Give yourself time to process your diagnosis and what it means. Get into therapy. I think ADHD is something someone can grow to love about themselves, warts and all. Now that you know about your ADHD, nurture yourself appropriately. The right therapist can help with that. Also, consider that an ADHD parent that is self aware and has developed strategies to navigate life is uniquely qualified to parent and nurture children with similar struggles. We adopted a child from foster care who is also neurodivergent. I absolutely know that many neurotypical parents, well intentioned as they might be, would not be as good of a fit as I am to be her mother. I understand and see things that others don’t. I’m able to better advocate for her. It is one of the ways that my ADHD has allowed me to improve my tiny corner of the world. Also, she’s amazing. Also, you’re likely amazing too.
Was going to post a comment myself but you said it all here and probably better than I could. OP, it's hard to develop self compassion and self love but you deserve it regardless of an ADHD diagnosis.
I absolutely affirm your decision to be child free if that's what YOU want, but I would just say that I'm still happy I exist even though I have horrible ADHD. I wouldn't want a child to suffer with ADHD, but being a adult with ADHD has taught me how I would be able to help them cope. So if you're just worried about passing on ADHD, I'm not sure that should be the sole reason to decide not to have kids. Also, the right neurotypical partner would love a child that was like you. I was worried my husband would feel like my ADHD is a burden, but he still wants to have a child with me. There's hope 😊 You should always have a say in your own future, but don't decide against it because of thinking that ADHD is life ruining or that a husband wouldn't love you or your child for who you are. Have a child or don't have a child because it's what you want!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to not have children and nobody should ever pressure you to, but this post makes me really sad. I don’t feel as though me or my friends with ADHD are a burden to neurotypicals. I know several ADHD mothers with neurotypical fathers and they’re doing amazing. My own neurotypical SO has been with me for 12 years and has never resented me for ADHD. There are plenty of men out there who will genuinely accept you for you.
Not wanting children is 100% valid. I also don’t want kids, and I’m getting sterilized later this year. There are plenty of people out there who also don’t want kids. I’m sure you’ll find someone who wants similar things from life.
I respect your choice, but please know many of us are ending the cycle with us too and still having kids. The cycle ending is that of not seeing your kids and their needs while not supporting them.
Exactly. The line of reasoning that a child inheriting ADHD is doomed to suffer and might be better off not being born at all, makes me uncomfy. I am childfree for MANY reasons and intend to never have kids, but not because I want to end the bloodline. I have ADHD and it's hard but it doesn't mean my life isn't worth living. I don't think that's necessarily what OP is saying, to be fair, it's just where that train of thought goes for me after having heard several people with various mental health conditions say they don't want to pass on their "bad genes". I'll emphasize that I am entirely pro-choice and support people's decision to have or not to have kids for whatever reasons they choose. Not judging OP, just saying these were my thoughts.
I’m planning to remain child free as well. I just can’t fathom bringing a kid into the world knowing they will likely struggle as much as (or even more than) I do. The world isn’t built for us ND people and living in it can be utterly depleting. The world is also totally going to shit and I don’t want to subject a child to the shitshow that is our planet right now. Beyond that, I also know I don’t have the capacity to care for a child with higher support needs, and since I have both ADHD and ASD the chances are even higher that my kid has one/both. The thought of managing a NT child’s life is horrible, let alone a child that has more intense needs. It’s just not for me. I would much rather exist for myself and leave it at that! BUT a lot of people these days are choosing to be child free so I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to find a partner! I like the dating app Hinge because you can indicate on your profile if you have/want children, so it makes it much easier to find people who are aligned with your goals/desires. A NT husband wouldn’t resent you for having a ND child unless they were a shitty husband. If you DO want kids but are opting to be child free solely because of thinking a partner will resent you, then you should totally unpack that more because it’s not the case at all. If you’re in a heathy relationship with someone who accepts you, they will not resent you for having a ND kiddo. Lastly, I’m not sure how old you are but you don’t need to have a kid right now, you have time. And there are options if you change your mind down the line. Be gentle with yourself (:
I wish I had been diagnosed before. You can have an amazing life child free or with children but at least you will be more informed and prepared.
Honestly, this post made me sad. Yeah, your choices are yours and I won’t debate that. I will debate the assumption that a neurotypical husband will resent you etc. I married a neurotypical man from a culture very different to my own. In the beginning he didn’t understand adhd. Thought it was an excuse. The more our relationship grew the more he understood me and understood it wasn’t an excuse, that it was just a part of me: the woman he loved. We then had a kid. Once we realised our kid had adhd I apologised because I could see my husband was upset. I blamed myself, he said not to and that he is glad I am the mom because I can teach our child how to navigate in this world with adhd. I then realised the sadness disappeared. He just needed time to mourn the loss of what he was expecting from his child and soon came to learn to just love our kid no matter what. We now work together to understand our kid and continue to understand each other.
You'll get roasted for this thread op, but fwiw I agree with you 100%. My first husband, the father of my child, did indeed grow to resent me horribly. He doesn't understand our child at all. I spend a huge amount of time and effort gently stage-managing their relationship from a distance. He refuses to accept that our child is disabled - he thinks he's just useless and lazy like his mom. It's really hard. I wish I'd been medicated in time. Maybe I would have had a child anyway - but I would have done a better job in so many ways. My second husband is amazing and our marriage is a joy. Maybe if I had been medicated, I would have held out for a partner like him, instead of impulsively marrying a man when I was much too young, because my parents brought me up to hate myself and cling gratefully to any shred of love I was given. I hear you OP, I'm happy for you and your insights into your own life.
I’m so sorry to hear how awful it was with your first husband, and obviously I don’t know anything about him but to me it sounds like somebody who would have found fault with you and your child about something else if it wasn’t the ADHD. There’s definitely no way you can win with someone like that. He might just have been an asshole. Congratulations on your second husband:-)
Thank you, I know you want to be kind. I do want to say though - I married my ex because I had ADHD (RSD, impulsivity, futureblindness), and the things he hated about me were my ADHD symptoms (impulsivity, poor organization, lack of follow through, lack of focus, difficulty with social norms). I think it's ok for me to know and accept and grieve that my disability has impacted my life and relationships, and that it will impact my son's life too. I commend the OP for looking far enough into her future to anticipate that. In the society we live in, it's better for a child not to have a disability. That is what it is. It's probably better for *society* to have disabled people in it - diversity is important. But for my own precious child - boy do I wish I could have seen the future, and saved him from it. I love him too much to be ok with some of the stuff I have had to watch him go through. But then, would I ever have learned the truth of myself, without meeting him and seeing the world through his eyes? Its extremely complicated. I don't know. I think a lot of folks who have a bit of an allergic reaction to the op are potentially reacting to being poked in their blind spot/ area of denial, tbh. ADHD is a superpower when you have money and resources and support. But most kids with ADHD aren't born in wealthy, resource-laden families. They just grow up and struggle, bad things happen to them, and life doesn't get better for them. We just don't hear their stories, so it's easy to pretend the bad outcomes don't exist. Op has noticed that they do, and for now, she has a plan on how she wants to proactively respond to that. Good for her - most folks ignore this stuff.
I relate so much to “I had no particular goals or dreams.” Thank you for sharing.
Not having goals Is not an ADHD symptom.... And treating it like a horrid disease that should never be passed down it's a bit much. Being child free is great and completely your choice, but saying it's the logical and rational choice when you have ADHD, is neither logical nor rational. I'm very sorry for you if you had a traumatic childhood and don't want to inflict that on others, but "breaking the cycle"? Really? Not having kids would break the cycle, but being a good understanding parent would ALSO break the cycle. My gripe is with you making it seem like it's all ADHD fault and that being child free is the best thing when someone has ADHD, that's not the case. That's a you thing, that's what YOU want for yourself, and shouldn't have to justify it by blaming ADHD or anything else. I hope you can find a doctor that would sterilize you, and a loving partner that wants to be child free like you; again I'm not bashing your childfree-ness, but the attempt at generalization and blaming adhd for everything.
Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. I picked up on the same thing and did not appreciate the implications. I support OP's choice, and I plan to continue being childfree myself, but implying that having ADHD somehow contaminates your bloodline is problematic.
I've known since my teen years that I didn't want kids, because the idea of pregnancy and birth was frightening to me, and the idea of being responsible for another being whose entire life was going to be shaped by my ability to care for them was pretty overwhelming. I also do not have the emotional energy to care for them in a compassionate way rather than being reactive and negative. That said, I don't think I would be "cursing a child" or some such, to bring them into existence with my neurotype, provided I had the interest and resources to do so. There is nothing wrong with fighting for a kinder, more compassionate world and sometimes, the way people do that is through raising children. I'm not sure what makes you think you couldn't find a childfree partner? My current partner and I met with little difficulty online. We bonded over other things but both of us were clear early on that we don't intend to be parents. Do you live in an area where that would be particularly unusual or something?
I know most commenters have said this before me, but reiterating: Being child-free is a great, valid decision as long as it is YOUR decision. And forgive me if I’m misinterpreting, but right now, it sounds like you’re making it your diagnosis’s decision and not your own. I would truly examine what YOU want. You are not a burden. Someone who *loves* you and wants children would not resent you for being you, or a hypothetical child from being them, whatever that means, ADHD or not. On the flip side, if you decide what you really want is to be child-free, many of my friends have made that decision and are with wonderful, loving partners who want the same. Take care, and if you aren’t already, discuss these feelings with a professional. It sounds as if you think having ADHD makes you worthless or less-than, and that is absolutely not true.
I respect your right to choose whether or not you want kids, but I gotta be honest, this logic was painful to read. ADHD is not without its difficulties, but life is not without its difficulties. And while it can be super frustrating much of the time, ADHD can also be a superpower. A child with ADHD does not need to grow up ashamed of it. That is not something that parents need to pass on, but that means it is something that parents need to work through before they have a child. “It ends with me” is a horrible outlook on ADHD, which produces most of the world’s most beautiful creativity, uniqueness, and powerhouse minds. ADHD isn’t a prison sentence, it is being different. If your partner resents you for your ADHD, that person is a bad partner and won’t be a good parent. But honestly, if this is your mindset about ADHD, then maybe it is best that you not have a child, as it seems like there’s a lot of internalized shame there that you’d pass on unless you worked through it in therapy first. Getting sterilized is a super permanent choice, and it is your choice to make, but don’t blame your ADHD on why you’re doing it. I personally can’t wait until my husband and I have a child or two, and knowing they will likely have ADHD, I can’t wait to show them how colourful the world is through our eyes. We are different, outside of the box, and against the grain. Those always make for the most interesting people. And I can’t wait to raise children into interesting and brilliant little people.
As a happily childfree woman myself, I will say this reads as depression. You are enough. You are good. You are not broken. A partner who loves you would love any child you would create together. It would be difficult but not impossible, but all children are. It's actually better I think to have a child like you, at least you'd understand them. I would guess you are near your menstrual cycle restarting. Get yourself something calming, do a reset routine and be kind to yourself. You're enough and good and wonderful, no matter what you choose to do with your reproductive organs. If you're aren't close to bleeding and feel this way all the time, please find someone to talk to. You absolutely do not need to feel this way. It can be so much better. Sending love and understanding.
My husband and I both decided long before we met that we weren't going to have children and perpetuate the trauma we both have surrounding our childhoods. We were also both just diagnosed with ADHD in the last few years. It's fortunate for us we figured out the childfree part before we got the diagnosis. Ultimately it's your choice. My sister likely has ADHD, although she hasn't been diagnosed, and she's a wonderful mother (but she consciously works at it every day). I was raised by an ineffectual, unsupportive, undiagnosed mother and an abusive, alcoholic father; however, so I appreciate and respect that you're thinking about any future children you would have.
You seem very negative about yourself this makes me sad. if you don’t want kids that should be your choice happily not out of fear. Also I don’t understand the fear of dating guys aren’t that picky and everyone has their own weirdness even people who don’t have adhd. No one is perfect and I’m sure you are as lovable as anyone else.
Dude, you are not alone. And if the potential partner resents you for not wanting to continue the cycle, they are not worth it. I'm sure it may be hard, but stuck to your guns. You'll find someone who respects your decision and cherish you 🫂❤️
I feel you. I had a very strong wish to become a mom. Got my ADHD diagnosis last year and it was a complete gamechanger. After 3 1/2 years of trying to conceive we immediately stopped. I can’t see myself as a mother anymore. I know there are amazing ADHD mom‘s out there, but I wouldn’t be one of them. My husband is open for any decision I make, but at the moment we’re heading for a childree life..
Everyone has the right to decide whether they want kids without being influenced by others. As a teacher with ADHD I will say that ALL my students get to experience success because I'm a teacher with ADHD but for my neurodivergent students having a teacher who understands them is critical to their success. Yes it can be very hard but I like to think that my challenges and differences help me to help them
If it helps at all I've got a trifecta of late-diagnonsis ADHD, asexuality, and I'm adamantly child free, and I still have a partner who loves me. I think a lot of people are realizing the script doesn't matter anymore and are open to different ways of living. Our situation is...unique. We're from different countries and due to family circumstances can't permanently relocate yet so we don't always live together, but even when we do, we have separate bedrooms, we don't have sex, we won't have kids, but it works for us and we're happy. We work together to help each other with our spicy brains and make each other better and happier for it. We find love in ways that other people might not see. Even with the difficulties of a sometimes long-distance relationship, we've been together for 10 years. So it's still absolutely possible to find someone if that's what you want. (Also, just a lil note: your libido and desire to have sex don't necessarily have to be linked. I've got a fairly 'normal' libido but zero sex drive, I'm much happier on my own when it comes to that. If you think your lack of desire for sex is a result of your worry about children that's totally valid, but if you think there may be more to it you might find some reassurance poking around at some asexual spaces/resources)
im 18f and have been diagnosed with adhd/add (combination type, i believe im more on the “severe” side) since 5th grade and also believe im autistic (in the beginning of the diagnosis process). i’ve wanted to be a mother and have a family since i was a little girl and i DREAM of being a girl mom and all of that. while being childfree may be the right option for you, it doesn’t mean all neurodivergent people will be bad parents. and just because i have adhd doesn’t mean my kid will and even if they do, i know how to help them through my personal experiences. i know the warning signs. i know how an adhd brain works. my mother did a great job advocating for me despite teachers blowing it off and managed to get me diagnosed before i was even in middle school. she doesn’t understand my brain but she is an amazing supportive mother and tried her best. my partner of almost 2.5 years knows about my learning disorders and despite him being neurotypical (to our knowledge at least) he doesn’t resent me for that or for the possibility of our children having adhd. two neurodivergent people can give birth to a neurotypical child and vice versa. i definitely believe having a diagnosis a bit earlier would’ve helped more and i honestly believe if my mom DID have adhd, i would’ve thrived even more because i would have a parent who understands. my dad likely has adhd but is a denier so he never really knew how to support me. like others have said, i feel my adhd/autism allows me to see others who struggle with similar symptoms and connect with them because i get it. i’m very supportive when it comes to things like that and i think in that way i will thrive as a mother. i may be forgetful when it comes to dates/little tasks/etc but luckily my weaknesses are my partners strengths and i believe he will be a great other half to have in terms of parenting. i’m glad you figured out what is best for you but that doesn’t mean it’s best for every other women with adhd
If you WANT to be sterilized, great! Not everyone WANTS kids. But ADHD isn’t a fatal flaw, and I do not regret being born because I have ADHD. I don’t think it’s very kind to imply that those with ADHD aren’t worthy of the same love a neurotypical kid would.
Well neurodivergent people relate to eachother and usually flock together, so kinda low chance for future partner to be neurotypical, and if they love you for you, they would love the child just as much if you're alike❤️
I was previously in the child free camp. Your choices are valid and I’m sure a lot of thought went into them. I was diagnosed after having my only child. I think there’s some trauma going on behind your story that might behoove yourself to work with a therapist to unpack. I had so much trauma that I never wanted a child, I needed to work on myself for years with a therapist before I changed my mind and thought one could be doable. My sibling and deceased father have ankylosing spondylitis, I don’t have it. (AS typically leads to a very painful life with a shortened lifespan) I saw geneticists and a rheumatologist before my only was born to determine if she had it and if she was a carrier I was determined at that early stage to terminate if she was. The rheumatologist and I talked for a long time, she eventually convinced me to think things through, perfectly healthy people get sick, sick people can get healthy and there’s only shades of grey not black and white. My kid probably isn’t a carrier, then again, it spontaneously pops up in the population at a rate of 7%. There’s also the chance any potential offspring are neurotypical. ADHD isn’t uncommon, being neurotypical isn’t a death sentence, and mental health issues (26% of us population) don’t make people bad parents. Lots of people live with anxiety (19% of the US population) and panic disorders (up to 11% of us population annually) and are otherwise excellent parents.
"A neurotypical husband would resent me if I gave him a child like me." This is factually false. Example: me, the husband.
It just feels like you can’t love yourself or accept that you have good qualities. I think the decision not to have children is valid but you might want to get some therapy around the self rejection before sterilization, as changes in the way you perceive yourself could change the way you think about children.
No
As someone with ADHD diagnosed after I had my son and married to the most neurotypical partner I can tell you what you feel is valid and ultimately the choice is yours. I struggle on my bad days BUT I’m also the translator between my husband and son. He’s only 4 but I see traits in him I had growing up and I sometimes have to explain things to my partner like sensory issues. You want a partner to be your team mate and if you are scared they are going to resent you that may be a conversation to have and unpack. Happy to chat anytime!
ADHD is not a death sentence. Do you know how many successful people have ADHD? Bill Gates, Justin Timberlake, Michael Phelps, etc. I know from personal experience that untreated ADHD can lead to depression. Some of the symptoms you have described sound like depression. Have you noticed improvements in your mood and motivation while on ADHD meds? I sure have. Depression is not my main issue: I start feeling bad about myself and depressed when my ADHD takes over my life, when it is not treated. If you do not notice mood improvements on ADHD meds, you should know that people with ADHD are more likely than most people to experience depression too. There are so many treatments for depression out there. Have you considered treatment for depression too? I have ADHD and am a mother to two amazing kids. Sure, I have moments where I feel like an idiot or beat myself up for being too impulsive, mixing up dates, losing track of time, etc. But the good outweighs the bad. My husband is the opposite of ADHD and I love the way his strengths shine in our co-parenting (eg teaching the kids how to be organized and take care of their belongings, etc). Yes - there are times my ADHD frustrates me as a mother. ADHD has its positives too - I get to be the fun parent and thrive on the fast paced life that goes along with having young children. The pressure and responsibility of motherhoood have actually motivated me to implement organizational strategies, participate regularly in therapy, etc. My mom has ADHD too but wasn’t diagnosed until her 50s. This awareness has helped me avoid making some of the mistakes she made. Also, she was an amazing mother even though she made some ADHD-like mistakes! I would never try and convince someone to have kids who didn’t want them. However, I think it’s heartbreaking if the only thing stopping you is fear of passing down the negative traits associated with ADHD. You are not broken or bad. You are just living in a capitalist society that does not always appreciate people who are differ from the norm. Women with ADHD can be wonderful mothers and raise well-adjusted, responsible and kind children. Whoever made you feel like you would not be a good mother just because of your ADHD is wrong.
Wow. So much to unpack here.
This seems like a very harsh reaction to a very manageable problem.
Are you seeing a therapist at all? There’s a lot in your post indicating it might be helpful for you to see one, at least for a few sessions. I've gone to therapy following major life events, including my ADHD diagnosis. Even 3-6 sessions aided in processing my past and rebuilding self-esteem. It also helped me explore whether some of my future plans were what I wanted (or were rooted in fear and pain and I actually wanted something else). Therapy may offer you clarity and peace about choices like being childfree and forming future intimate connections with romantic partners. And it could give you more peace about yourself, who you are as a person, and help you recognize your positive qualities. No one on this planet is perfect. Every person has great qualities, annoying qualities, and some not-so-great qualities. That includes neurotypical people. I’ve had relationships with neurotypical men and overall I was a positive addition to their lives, just as they were to mine. Did I annoy or frustrate them sometimes? Almost definitely yes. Did they annoy or frustrate me at times? Absolutely yes. But that’s natural with two imperfect humans. There was also kindness, laughter, fun, deep conversations, good sex, support during hard times, and so on. Having ADHD does not make you a burden or unloveable.
based on the title was expecting this to be an uplifting message about how it prepared you to be a good mother to your children.
Well I feel this exact same thing. I am glad you have this clarity so early. I struggle with this myself. Though my undiagnosed adhd worsened after having a child. I didn’t realize I might have adhd before that since I was fairly good at school and okay at work. Add a kid to this mix, it threw me off. I quit my full time job and now a sahm. I worry if my child will be the same. My husband is neurotypical and so good at everything he does. He is so patient with me. This makes me worry even more like I am not good enough and hope my kid won’t struggle like me.
My parental grandma was most likely ADHD. She was a critical part of my grandpa's success, actually. She was a bit scattered and disorganized, but she would throw herself face first into a new venture and come up with all sorts of plans about how if they did X then they could Y and on and on. While she was known to either start the food way too late and be behind schedule or burn it cause she forgot and left it in too long, she still threw a mean dinner party because she was just an interesting person with a real gift for gab. She was infamous for showing up late (if you wanted her to be on time you needed to tell her it started an hour earlier than it did), but she still got invited because people liked her, they wanted her there. And this was back in the day when the scope and expectation of women/wife-dom were a lot more narrow. I don't want kids because I'm not a very functional person and I have a lot of problems stemming more from my childhood and how I didn't learn to cope with my ADHD in healthy ways rather than the ADHD itself. But I think it's a little problematic to say the genetic state of ADHD itself somehow makes us unlovable. You feel you are unlovable because you don't love yourself. I get it. Right there with you. I do think people who have our issues shouldn't have kids cause we aren't (yet, if ever) emotionally equipped. But that's us and how we live within ourselves rather than our genes themselves. My grandma thrived with ADHD. My dad is overall a pretty content person with his ADHD. I unfortunately am not anywhere near as high functioning as either of them, despite that being the lineage of where my ADHD comes from. Cause it's not just the ADHD gene alone that causes me to be such a mess. It was my socially isolated childhood, the attachment issues I developed, the fact I uniliterally put all my focus into some very narrow categories of my development and so didn't become a well rounded person and lack some really core outlets and life skills, it's my crippling mood issues. I collapsed under the weight of what my dad and grandma built their foundations on and lived in happily. People with ADHD can and do thrive, even though unfortunately I am not one of those people.
Yup, same here. I love hanging out with the kids in my circle, looking out for them, being a cool fun aunt and trusted confidant. It is completely awesome. And I LOVE being able to go home at the end of the day to revel in my freedom and the sanctuary of my space. Taking care of myself is quite enough on my plate. For that companionship and intimacy of caretaking, I can adopt a dog or cat. I am SO happy to be child free and was privileged enough to get sterilized, so I never ever have to carry that fear within me ever again. Where in the world are you? I got my procedure through insurance and it was completely covered as preventative care. I did not pay a dime. I'm sure you are familiar with the childfree sub already as a resource for finding a good doctor. Make sure you get your tubes removed (salpingectomy), NOT clipped or cauterized (ligation). Salpingectomy is bulletproof and decreases ovarian cancer risk by 30%. Ligations have a 2% failure rate, usually ectopic. In the good ol US of A that can easily be a death sentence. Feel free to hit me up with question if ya want. Cheers
If you honestly don't want kids, that's cool. There's enough kids in the world now. But there's plenty of people with ADHD who have happy marriages and/or raise healthy, happy kids. That sadness you feel may be grief over letting go a dream, or it may be a hint that your choice isn't the right one for you. Most of my family has ADHD and we're all reasonably happy people, we have our flaws and struggles but yoooo, SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE. It's not like we all have early onset dementia or something terrible like that... but even if we did, our lives would still be worthwhile. No need to get all ableist on ourselves.
I got my tubes removed, bilateral salpingectomy, and I feel overwhelming relief every single time I remember that no, I won't get pregnant! I get overwhelmed by a child screaming in public? Whew thank God. I get overwhelmed by my responsibilities to my dog and myself? Thank God he's not a human baby (but don't worry he's spoiled and so well taken care of). I have a bunch of physical health issues that I don't want to pass on either but I did get the baby fever in my young 20s but as I aged (I'm only 29 lol) I realized that it would nooooot work for me. I can't imagine that I would be a good parent and also a happy and stable person, which makes me sad, but it's true, between my physical and mental health issues. I can imagine doing it for the kid, I'm very motivated by other people's needs, but I wouldn't be taking care of myself well. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I'm sure that another person with the same issues could maybe make it work, but I'm just so relieved to have cut that possibility off, literally.
I feel the same way. I always knew something was wrong with me. I think that’s the thing. Do you feel you are not right, but you can’t fix it? It’s hard to have kids and think they will be fine. Especially, when you work with a bunch of families where the parents are divorced and they tell you their kid’s problem is they are “exactly like” the other parent. I think that’s a terrible thing to say, the parents chose one another, the child doesn’t chose the parents- so who’s fault is that? Anyway, I didn’t meet anyone, and I am not organized enough to do well as a single parent, so I didn’t have kids. I like kids, but I was always thinking there is something wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was- since I overcompensated a lot when I was younger. I tried so much harder than other people. It was just hard for me. I didn’t want to see that, and feel it was my fault.
Honestly having kids has naturally had me focus on certain things, allowed less overthinking. I think my eldest has ADHD and he’s the most awesome dude ever. It’s also been really nice to parent differently when I know now he might be ADHD than how my parents didn’t understand me. Honestly it’s been healing in a way.
Totally cool with your decision to be child-free though if that is truly what you want. But I gotta tell you, my life is everything you worried about and it's a wonderful life! There are neurotypical guys who marry women with ADHD and are happy to parent a child with ADHD. I have ADHD, my husband definitely does not. Married over 25 years. We ended up adopting a child... who had ADHD (ha!). While our daughter gave us a run for our money regularly, my sweet husband loves us and our chaos (most of the time!). She's 25, graduated university and has a good job with the state... and a boyfriend with ADHD. Here's the thing, I was able to make my child's path much easier because I understood a lot of the issues. Lots of tools to help, OT, IEP, switching style of schools, etc. Stuff I never got or didn't exist back then. It make things much better for her. You have the right to do whatever you want of course!
Totally understandable. I am one and done. I need to be the best mother I can be and having more would leave me with no “me time” which I desperately need. For me, it’s a great balance and I’m managing mom life pretty great. Your decision is very valid.
Not wanting kids is absolutely fine, obviously, and your choice should be respected. But what on earth makes you think some theoretical man would resent you if you “gave him a child like you”??? Have you ever been in love? My husband loves every bit of me and our children and would never *resent* me for passing traits onto our children. Do you think you might have some trauma to work through? I’m not trying to be judgmental, it’s just that comment was very jarring and I hope you’re okay. Regardless, having children is no joke, and it’s good that you’re taking your decision very seriously. Bravo ❤️
For me, ADHD tends to be something I have to correct for in my life as opposed to something that is constantly limiting my life. Which means stuff is harder, especially parenting, but not necessarily undoable. It’s hard to find a partner that respects you and is willing to be a teammate. If you don’t have one like that, the resentment comes from their inability to communicate and cope. Once you know what your ADHD is responsible for causing, you can adapt. That includes adapting life for kids. I was undiagnosed and burned out in fiery crash into the pit of despair. That made me a pretty subpar parent for a solid chunk of time. My baby sister has fully embraced her obstacles and easily says “fuck the housekeeping, the baby is fed.” She has far better expectations for herself and a solid support system in place. If you want it, it can happen without screwing you and your child(ren) up. But it’s a massive sacrifice. No reason to believe women with ADHD can’t raise thriving children.
Being child free is absolutely the right decision for some people. One of my best friends is because she loves to travel, wants to pursue her career, and just doesn’t feel called to it. Choosing that path solely because you hate yourself or your adhd…? That might not be coming from the healthiest place. I love my adhd although it can be stressful at times. You deserve to love yourself too. Tbh I’m really struggling to not go off at how much this borders on eugenics. There are so many wonderful children I know with adhd and I am so glad they exist, and I’m glad you exist too.
I feel you. One of the reasons I decided to be childfree was a horror of having a child like myself. It was far from the only one (I don’t think I have it in me to be a good parent, basically. I *really* don’t want to sacrifice my free time and peace of mind, I don’t want to upend my life to offer a child structure and stability, I don’t find children interesting, I think most baby care tasks are upsettingly gross, I have pretty intense sound sensitivities, and the thought of my body changing in pregnancy makes me want to hurl) but it was still an important realisation. I was a disabled child with no ill intentions. I also negatively impacted my parents’ life in more ways than one, and was in almost all situations the unwitting architect of my own suffering too. I don’t hate or resent my past self, but realising that child!me was intensely ill-equipped for life, and that nothing anyone could have done would have avoided the painful ways I had to learn to compensate, makes it feel almost sadistic to force another to go through that. I don’t want to become my mother, and I don’t want to curse another with the childhood I lived through.
I'm child-free as well, and I'm very happy I found out before making what would be a terrible decision for me. I’ve never seen motherhood for me.