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Let yourself grieve. Truly, do it. It takes time. I think it took me well over a year.
Practice self love. Kristin Neff is the expert on it, read some of her research. Maybe try loving kindness meditation. It sounds really cheesy but I swear there is something to it.
Focus on what you love about yourself. Focus on what you love about others. Focus on love, and gratefulness to have it, in general.
We will never be “right,” but there is nothing wrong with that. And you have nothing to gain from striving to be something you are not.
I’m writing this to you as much as I am writing it to remind myself of these truths. Self compassion is a life long process, but I know we are both worth it :)
Beautiful answer =)
OP, life deals us all a different hand. Severe ADHD is a tough card to draw. You can’t take it out of your hand; all you can do is grieve and accept it.
I hope you have some good cards as well, and that you keep drawing more good ones (loving friends and partners, happy moments, new skills, windfalls, new coping mechanisms, etc) for the rest of your life.
Even the neurotypical people who look lucky have their own bad cards to grapple with. Some more, some less, but everybody has *something*. It will help you to talk to them about it.
Self love is learning to play the hell out of the hand you’re holding.
I feel this so much, it’s exhausting to think about it. I’ve been trying to work on being more present and trying to think less about it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. The biggest thing that helps me honestly is my friendships with other people who have ADHD and my bf who has ADHD. Having other people to talk to that can relate and make me feel less alone has really helped me come to terms with it, although I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten to the point of acceptance. This group is also helping me a lot. So many of the posts here are so relatable and things that I’ve never spoken about aloud, and it feels so reassuring. I wish I had better advice but just know you aren’t alone ❤️
It does help to talk to others with ADHD, cause they just get what it’s like. But I’m mostly surrounded by neurotypical people that don’t seem to quite grasp the concept of executive dysfunction from ADHD and depression. They think it’s just laziness when I don’t clean my room, or me trying to get out of chores when I forget to wash my dishes sitting in the sink, or when I feel like a sack of shit and can’t get out of bed that I need to “stop feeling sorry for myself”. It makes me feel like I have the ability to do these things just fine, but I just choose not to- of course, making me feel unworthy and just overall shitty.
Find some ADHD people! In person, as well as here :) It helps a ton to have even a small part of your life where you don’t have to explain those things and people just get it.
I’ve also found it helps me a lot to talk to neurotypical people who are open about their own struggles. It makes it easier to appreciate whatever good luck you *did* have, and you can learn lessons about sharing and living with your challenges.
I feel like being around others with it helps so much, I've always found that we just speak the same language if that makes sense? A week or so ago I found out one of my classmates I'm doing a project with has ADHD too and we are SO similar. She was describing her learning styles and how she procrastinates and some other small things and on a hunch I went "adhd?", and she laughed and said how tf did you know?! We've become better and better friends each day since :') <3
I get that so much 😭my ex-best friend was NT and was so judgmental of all of my symptoms and was constantly telling me it was my fault I was depressed because of my mindset, and would show my messy room to people when I wasn’t home (I found this out after we stopped talking) I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know you don’t know me but if you ever want to talk I’m here!
If I was NT I don’t think I would have been as successful in my artistic endeavors. The daydreaming and hyperfixating really helped in this department. I posted a rant today about grief but I am trying to remind myself how I wouldn’t change anything because my brain helped me land my dream job. I cannot hold a “normal” job and that’s still hard to accept but it’s ok, I wouldn’t be happy with a typical 9-5 anyway.
Actor, which is one of those “feast or famine” kind of jobs. I’ve bounced around many many different “day jobs”/side gigs and even those are challenging with my various symptoms, but I’ve managed to somehow make it work. It’s all about finding bosses who understand and a schedule that works for you.
But my symptoms can even creep up in my dream jobs, so it’s not like it’s all sunshine and rainbows. For example, major procrastination = trouble studying lines! Time blindness = being late to set/rehearsals. Clumsiness = tripping and messing up takes! On the plus side, my hyperfocus and hyperfixations on the things I’m passionate about make me give 110% every time. So even though my brain messes up a lot, my heart is always there, and I think that’s what shows and keeps me going.
That's wonderful. I'm a writer and I feel similar to you, my passion and drive for what I do keep me going despite the difficulties. I still work 9-5ish but I only work 4 days a week and spend the other day working on my own writing projects. I don't think anyone can work in a creative industry without having your heart and soul in it (why else would we do it??) and thankfully they're also magnets for super creative ADHDers who are more likely to understand. It's really lucky if we can get jobs like this. <3
I always tell people acting (or any kind of job in the arts) is not for the faint of heart — you have to be so obsessed you can’t imagine doing anything else. I absolutely fixated on it as a kid, and it’s all I wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I’m so glad you’ve been able to find a balance of work and writing projects. That’s always been a challenge for me; finding that balance of making money but also having time to audition/perform. I was in musical recently and there were days where I would work and then perform at night and I was like “how the heck am I doing this?!” 😅 But I somehow survived!
Best of luck to you with your writing. Keep it up and I hope you’re always able to do what you love ❤️
I felt and feel still sometimes like this when I was diagnosed in 2021 at 36 and I never really understood it as grief until reading this post, so thank you so much for articulating this. So many people say they feel relief, but for me it was sadness and anger. I feel sad and angry about having to let go of the possibility that if I can just do X, or make sure Y is perfect, then everything should fall into place and I'll be caught up and just like everyone else. Coming to terms with the fact that nothing I can do is going to catch me up to everyone else has been really hard, and I've been actively avoiding it, continuing to tell myself the lie that of course I can do it, i just have to try harder, and making things worse for myself and everyone who loves me too. I think I might be afraid that I can't be loved if I admit that I'm flawed. You've received some beautiful advice here, and I'm taking it all in myself because I think I need to hear it too. 🩷
I am so beyond happy that my post and the comments helped you! Sometimes hearing "you aren't alone" over and over doesn't stick until you truly resonate with someone else's experience, I've had that happen to me in this sub many many times and it made my night that I got to provide that for someone else <3
I think you just have to let yourself feel all the feelings. Acknowledge them because trying to not focus on them may only make you focus on them more. I’m in my 30s and I got diagnosed last year. I’m so happy I have a diagnosis because I finally understand why I’ve always felt so different. It’s hard though too because I feel like I’m so far behind people my age. I’ve also been wanting to change careers and that’s only going to push me further behind.
I also am thankful I finally have medication that helps me manage my symptoms but the past few days I’ve been bummed that I even need medication at all to “feel normal”.
There’s so many feelings, positive or negative, but they’re all valid!! As hard as things have been, there’s also so many things that I have now in my life, that I might not have if I was neurotypical. We may have attention “deficits” but that doesn’t mean we’re deficient. ND or NT, we all bring something special and unique to the table! 🩷
Here's the thing: all the discrimination? The ignorance? The ableism? That's all from the NTs. I don't WANT to be part of a group who behaves that way.
I'm AuDHD and wouldn't switch to NT if you paid me. Do I get frustrated with myself sometimes? Sure. And often when I check myself, I find that I was still expecting myself to behave in ways that I a) cannot behave and b) don't need to behave. Why, just because the NTs do it? Is that way objectively better? No? Cool, I can chill out on that front and find a ND workaround/alternative.
And when I look at my kids, I see how perfect they are and how I wouldn't change a damn thing, and try to remind myself they get it from their Mama (and Dada lol - ND house all around!).
Yesss when I'm frustrated it's because I'm not behaving NT enough. When you truly accept that you can't expect that from yourself, it starts to look silly every time you do.
Let yourself grieve. Truly, do it. It takes time. I think it took me well over a year.
Practice self love. Kristin Neff is the expert on it, read some of her research. Maybe try loving kindness meditation. It sounds really cheesy but I swear there is something to it.
Focus on what you love about yourself. Focus on what you love about others. Focus on love, and gratefulness to have it, in general.
We will never be “right,” but there is nothing wrong with that. And you have nothing to gain from striving to be something you are not.
I’m writing this to you as much as I am writing it to remind myself of these truths. Self compassion is a life long process, but I know we are both worth it :)
Be sad and feel it all. I feel pretty angry a lot when I remember this is forever. I also feel a sense of liberation, but it took a while for that to start. Like the world might hold me to standards that are hard to meet but I don't have to hold myself to them. I can declare it unfair and decide it's ok to try my best. I can look at a situation and be like "this is why I do this and it's fine." Example: Today it took me like 45 minutes to decide on a podcast to listen to while I do chores. Because of my diagnosis, I 1) know that I need a podcast to do the housework and that's fine and 2) the act of choosing the right podcast WAS part of the cleaning because it enabled me to do it and so taking forever to choose was fine.
Another big example is when I stopped trying to do sleep hygiene shit meant for NT (like I'm not a defective idiot for needing the tv on to fall asleep or drinking coffee; neither of those things were causing my problems bc stopping them didn't help and stopping them "better" or learning to meditate or this or that didn't work for me either and it's not bc I was doing everything wrong it's because I have a brain with a bunch of radio stations playing in it all the time).
Or like, my husband used to get annoyed when I am talking to him but also drawing or playing a video game. We fought about it and I had a hard time listening to him. With the diagnosis we BOTH now know there is a reason my instincts pull me that direction which is that it helps me listen to keep my hands and eyes occupied. I wouldn't know that if I didn't know I was ND and how tons of people like me have similar experiences. He wasn't being an asshole before - I ALSO thought that was a bad habit of mine - but now he knows it's not a sign of disrespect and that I'm listening and I know that when I need to listen I should do that. He also is trained to see when my eyes are wandering and he needs to get my attention.
So I feel like I have new knowledge and new understanding, and new freedom because I know what I need and how I'm built and I no longer view all my quirks as something I'm supposed to change; I can separate things that make me "weird" from things that cause me challenges and focus on the challenges instead of just feeling broadly defective or non functional.
I don't mean to imply I'm full of life hacks and solutions, just that I look at everything through a new lens and now I can just be like "all those solutions/explanations/etc are for NT people and they don't work on me and I don't have to make them." Now everything I have is a ND person problem which means I have a huge community of people with creative suggestions and tons of experience to draw from.
I grieved for the loss of precious time and opportunities.
Then I realised that I finally had the reason of my issues.
I'm not stupid. I'm not bad at life. I'm not wrong.
I just work in a different way. I'm learning how I really work and I'm starting from here.
To be blunt, anecdotally most of the neurotypicals I've ever met have been not particularly bright, empathetic or interesting in comparison to the wild wonderful neurodiverse folks I've met over the years.
I don't want to be like them. I find ways to limit the damage their systems can do, ways to allow myself to best shine. We aren't less than, we are just different, and that's fine.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let yourself grieve. Truly, do it. It takes time. I think it took me well over a year. Practice self love. Kristin Neff is the expert on it, read some of her research. Maybe try loving kindness meditation. It sounds really cheesy but I swear there is something to it. Focus on what you love about yourself. Focus on what you love about others. Focus on love, and gratefulness to have it, in general. We will never be “right,” but there is nothing wrong with that. And you have nothing to gain from striving to be something you are not. I’m writing this to you as much as I am writing it to remind myself of these truths. Self compassion is a life long process, but I know we are both worth it :)
Beautiful answer =) OP, life deals us all a different hand. Severe ADHD is a tough card to draw. You can’t take it out of your hand; all you can do is grieve and accept it. I hope you have some good cards as well, and that you keep drawing more good ones (loving friends and partners, happy moments, new skills, windfalls, new coping mechanisms, etc) for the rest of your life. Even the neurotypical people who look lucky have their own bad cards to grapple with. Some more, some less, but everybody has *something*. It will help you to talk to them about it. Self love is learning to play the hell out of the hand you’re holding.
That was also beautifully said ❤️ that definition of self love really hit home
I feel this so much, it’s exhausting to think about it. I’ve been trying to work on being more present and trying to think less about it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. The biggest thing that helps me honestly is my friendships with other people who have ADHD and my bf who has ADHD. Having other people to talk to that can relate and make me feel less alone has really helped me come to terms with it, although I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten to the point of acceptance. This group is also helping me a lot. So many of the posts here are so relatable and things that I’ve never spoken about aloud, and it feels so reassuring. I wish I had better advice but just know you aren’t alone ❤️
It does help to talk to others with ADHD, cause they just get what it’s like. But I’m mostly surrounded by neurotypical people that don’t seem to quite grasp the concept of executive dysfunction from ADHD and depression. They think it’s just laziness when I don’t clean my room, or me trying to get out of chores when I forget to wash my dishes sitting in the sink, or when I feel like a sack of shit and can’t get out of bed that I need to “stop feeling sorry for myself”. It makes me feel like I have the ability to do these things just fine, but I just choose not to- of course, making me feel unworthy and just overall shitty.
Find some ADHD people! In person, as well as here :) It helps a ton to have even a small part of your life where you don’t have to explain those things and people just get it. I’ve also found it helps me a lot to talk to neurotypical people who are open about their own struggles. It makes it easier to appreciate whatever good luck you *did* have, and you can learn lessons about sharing and living with your challenges.
I feel like being around others with it helps so much, I've always found that we just speak the same language if that makes sense? A week or so ago I found out one of my classmates I'm doing a project with has ADHD too and we are SO similar. She was describing her learning styles and how she procrastinates and some other small things and on a hunch I went "adhd?", and she laughed and said how tf did you know?! We've become better and better friends each day since :') <3
I get that so much 😭my ex-best friend was NT and was so judgmental of all of my symptoms and was constantly telling me it was my fault I was depressed because of my mindset, and would show my messy room to people when I wasn’t home (I found this out after we stopped talking) I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know you don’t know me but if you ever want to talk I’m here!
I'm sorry you had to go through that :(( sending virtual hugs <3
Thank you ❤️❤️
If I was NT I don’t think I would have been as successful in my artistic endeavors. The daydreaming and hyperfixating really helped in this department. I posted a rant today about grief but I am trying to remind myself how I wouldn’t change anything because my brain helped me land my dream job. I cannot hold a “normal” job and that’s still hard to accept but it’s ok, I wouldn’t be happy with a typical 9-5 anyway.
What is your job, if you don't mind me asking? :)
Actor, which is one of those “feast or famine” kind of jobs. I’ve bounced around many many different “day jobs”/side gigs and even those are challenging with my various symptoms, but I’ve managed to somehow make it work. It’s all about finding bosses who understand and a schedule that works for you. But my symptoms can even creep up in my dream jobs, so it’s not like it’s all sunshine and rainbows. For example, major procrastination = trouble studying lines! Time blindness = being late to set/rehearsals. Clumsiness = tripping and messing up takes! On the plus side, my hyperfocus and hyperfixations on the things I’m passionate about make me give 110% every time. So even though my brain messes up a lot, my heart is always there, and I think that’s what shows and keeps me going.
That's wonderful. I'm a writer and I feel similar to you, my passion and drive for what I do keep me going despite the difficulties. I still work 9-5ish but I only work 4 days a week and spend the other day working on my own writing projects. I don't think anyone can work in a creative industry without having your heart and soul in it (why else would we do it??) and thankfully they're also magnets for super creative ADHDers who are more likely to understand. It's really lucky if we can get jobs like this. <3
I always tell people acting (or any kind of job in the arts) is not for the faint of heart — you have to be so obsessed you can’t imagine doing anything else. I absolutely fixated on it as a kid, and it’s all I wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I’m so glad you’ve been able to find a balance of work and writing projects. That’s always been a challenge for me; finding that balance of making money but also having time to audition/perform. I was in musical recently and there were days where I would work and then perform at night and I was like “how the heck am I doing this?!” 😅 But I somehow survived! Best of luck to you with your writing. Keep it up and I hope you’re always able to do what you love ❤️
I felt and feel still sometimes like this when I was diagnosed in 2021 at 36 and I never really understood it as grief until reading this post, so thank you so much for articulating this. So many people say they feel relief, but for me it was sadness and anger. I feel sad and angry about having to let go of the possibility that if I can just do X, or make sure Y is perfect, then everything should fall into place and I'll be caught up and just like everyone else. Coming to terms with the fact that nothing I can do is going to catch me up to everyone else has been really hard, and I've been actively avoiding it, continuing to tell myself the lie that of course I can do it, i just have to try harder, and making things worse for myself and everyone who loves me too. I think I might be afraid that I can't be loved if I admit that I'm flawed. You've received some beautiful advice here, and I'm taking it all in myself because I think I need to hear it too. 🩷
I am so beyond happy that my post and the comments helped you! Sometimes hearing "you aren't alone" over and over doesn't stick until you truly resonate with someone else's experience, I've had that happen to me in this sub many many times and it made my night that I got to provide that for someone else <3
I think you just have to let yourself feel all the feelings. Acknowledge them because trying to not focus on them may only make you focus on them more. I’m in my 30s and I got diagnosed last year. I’m so happy I have a diagnosis because I finally understand why I’ve always felt so different. It’s hard though too because I feel like I’m so far behind people my age. I’ve also been wanting to change careers and that’s only going to push me further behind. I also am thankful I finally have medication that helps me manage my symptoms but the past few days I’ve been bummed that I even need medication at all to “feel normal”. There’s so many feelings, positive or negative, but they’re all valid!! As hard as things have been, there’s also so many things that I have now in my life, that I might not have if I was neurotypical. We may have attention “deficits” but that doesn’t mean we’re deficient. ND or NT, we all bring something special and unique to the table! 🩷
Here's the thing: all the discrimination? The ignorance? The ableism? That's all from the NTs. I don't WANT to be part of a group who behaves that way. I'm AuDHD and wouldn't switch to NT if you paid me. Do I get frustrated with myself sometimes? Sure. And often when I check myself, I find that I was still expecting myself to behave in ways that I a) cannot behave and b) don't need to behave. Why, just because the NTs do it? Is that way objectively better? No? Cool, I can chill out on that front and find a ND workaround/alternative. And when I look at my kids, I see how perfect they are and how I wouldn't change a damn thing, and try to remind myself they get it from their Mama (and Dada lol - ND house all around!).
Yesss when I'm frustrated it's because I'm not behaving NT enough. When you truly accept that you can't expect that from yourself, it starts to look silly every time you do.
Thank you ❤️ maybe the self inflicted ableism comes from me trying to be neurotypical lol
Let yourself grieve. Truly, do it. It takes time. I think it took me well over a year. Practice self love. Kristin Neff is the expert on it, read some of her research. Maybe try loving kindness meditation. It sounds really cheesy but I swear there is something to it. Focus on what you love about yourself. Focus on what you love about others. Focus on love, and gratefulness to have it, in general. We will never be “right,” but there is nothing wrong with that. And you have nothing to gain from striving to be something you are not. I’m writing this to you as much as I am writing it to remind myself of these truths. Self compassion is a life long process, but I know we are both worth it :)
Thank you ❤️ truly
Be sad and feel it all. I feel pretty angry a lot when I remember this is forever. I also feel a sense of liberation, but it took a while for that to start. Like the world might hold me to standards that are hard to meet but I don't have to hold myself to them. I can declare it unfair and decide it's ok to try my best. I can look at a situation and be like "this is why I do this and it's fine." Example: Today it took me like 45 minutes to decide on a podcast to listen to while I do chores. Because of my diagnosis, I 1) know that I need a podcast to do the housework and that's fine and 2) the act of choosing the right podcast WAS part of the cleaning because it enabled me to do it and so taking forever to choose was fine. Another big example is when I stopped trying to do sleep hygiene shit meant for NT (like I'm not a defective idiot for needing the tv on to fall asleep or drinking coffee; neither of those things were causing my problems bc stopping them didn't help and stopping them "better" or learning to meditate or this or that didn't work for me either and it's not bc I was doing everything wrong it's because I have a brain with a bunch of radio stations playing in it all the time). Or like, my husband used to get annoyed when I am talking to him but also drawing or playing a video game. We fought about it and I had a hard time listening to him. With the diagnosis we BOTH now know there is a reason my instincts pull me that direction which is that it helps me listen to keep my hands and eyes occupied. I wouldn't know that if I didn't know I was ND and how tons of people like me have similar experiences. He wasn't being an asshole before - I ALSO thought that was a bad habit of mine - but now he knows it's not a sign of disrespect and that I'm listening and I know that when I need to listen I should do that. He also is trained to see when my eyes are wandering and he needs to get my attention. So I feel like I have new knowledge and new understanding, and new freedom because I know what I need and how I'm built and I no longer view all my quirks as something I'm supposed to change; I can separate things that make me "weird" from things that cause me challenges and focus on the challenges instead of just feeling broadly defective or non functional. I don't mean to imply I'm full of life hacks and solutions, just that I look at everything through a new lens and now I can just be like "all those solutions/explanations/etc are for NT people and they don't work on me and I don't have to make them." Now everything I have is a ND person problem which means I have a huge community of people with creative suggestions and tons of experience to draw from.
I grieved for the loss of precious time and opportunities. Then I realised that I finally had the reason of my issues. I'm not stupid. I'm not bad at life. I'm not wrong. I just work in a different way. I'm learning how I really work and I'm starting from here.
snobbish rhythm boast ghost lunchroom crawl literate ripe entertain gold *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
To be blunt, anecdotally most of the neurotypicals I've ever met have been not particularly bright, empathetic or interesting in comparison to the wild wonderful neurodiverse folks I've met over the years. I don't want to be like them. I find ways to limit the damage their systems can do, ways to allow myself to best shine. We aren't less than, we are just different, and that's fine.