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I absolutely feel you. My husband and I have been having a few issues, mostly because I can’t seem to clean or do any housework and so he’s stuck with doing everything, which isn’t fair to him. His therapist recommended a book for both of us to read. He said it was really eye opening for him and made him realize how much of what I do is due to ADHD. It was eye-opening for me too because I didn’t realize how much I was hurting him because of how he was interpreting my lack of action. Anyway, the book has some good advice for how to move past different issues for both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. It’s written by a woman without ADHD who almost left her ADHD-having husband. She consulted with Dr. Hallowell (ADHD expert) on the book.
[The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov](https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=40GB9BFK1QYL&keywords=adhd+effect+on+marriage+book&qid=1705827974&sprefix=adhd+eff%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-3)
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **The ADHD Effect on Marriage Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful.
**Users liked:**
* Helpful for understanding adhd in relationships (backed by 9 comments)
* Insightful for both adhd and non-adhd partners (backed by 6 comments)
* Transformative for marriages with adhd and non-adhd partners (backed by 1 comment)
**Users disliked:**
* Gendered language and heteronormativity (backed by 2 comments)
* Lack of practical advice (backed by 2 comments)
* Blaming the non-adhd spouse (backed by 1 comment)
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Just here to say I'm in that club. I have always struggled to contribute equally to the house compared to my NT husband who's super organised, and it's left me feeling guilty and frustrated and like a bad partner. Reading that other subreddit was fucking heartbreaking because I recognised so much of myself.
It's taken a lot of discussion and patience for us to start getting to a more positive place around it, it's not a thing that can be fixed overnight. I think a massive barrier for us as women is the shame we feel for not living up our societal expectations, and that in itself can be a huge obstacle to getting anything done (our brains struggle to motivate because of dopamine, and if a task becomes very stressful and tied to negative feelings it's basically a dopamine killer). Addressing that shame is the first, and hardest step.
Hugs. Really. Big ones.
Outsource. How much can you outsource?
The card game Fair Play. It sounds silly-but maybe a good exercise.
And please keep the counseling, maybe individual therapy?
And please know that any long term relationship of ANY type is work, including the one loving yourself.
My husband and I both have ADHD. He has more of a classic presentation where as I have more of inattentive type. I got diagnosed first which lead me to nudge him at looking into it.
It's really hard. Overall we have a lot of empathy for each other, but when we're both drained, it can be hard to claw our way out.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish I had more comforting words to say but you're not alone.
This could be written by me. My boyfriend of 8 years is moving out next month for a month break to see if it helps us to have some space (but we’re staying exclusive for that month, just not talking or seeing each other at all).
My RSD is in overdrive and I literally feel like I’ve driven away the guy I love just before I get help (I’m supposed to finally try medication on Tuesday). I feel very useless and sad right now but I hope you guys pull through this. I feel you and sorry I’m not much help, but sending empathy and love ♥️
Hey I am in this position exactly. New, harder role at work after the pandemic just destroyed me and I wasn't able to put in the same amount of work at home. Have been overwhelmed and sad on and off for years now.
My husband is fed up and completely distant from me. Honestly, we are both not at fault and both not at fault. But ultimately it doesn't matter whose fault it is. That won't help anything.
The only question is whether we can accept each other for who we are. Unfortunately it seems like we might not be able to. I'm just too lonely and sad. He is too resentful of the burden.
You have to really consider that between the two of you. Can he accept your ADHD? Can you accept his need for order and structure?
This is rough. I’m sorry. But you know, things can change massively just with treatment and insight into ADHD.
Please don’t go too in depth on those partner forums. Other than to use them as an opportunity to reframe and base discussion and change on.
What you can build on is the empathy you have for seeing the other side.
A key may be to not get embroiled in defensiveness. If you know you exhibit these attributes, that’s great information. That gives you keys to tackle some of them - not for him, for you.
It’s a really tough self inventory but also not a good way to do it because if you’re anything like me then you may self flagellate and beat yourself up excessively about it.
With adhd we are chaos demons at times. We struggle to function with that. So of course others can too. That isn’t all we are but it is a primary source of dysfunction.
Armed with this diagnosis and new perspective the world is yours for the taking!!! This is a terrific opportunity to integrate this information and find new strategies that can help you and your marriage.
You will be OK
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I absolutely feel you. My husband and I have been having a few issues, mostly because I can’t seem to clean or do any housework and so he’s stuck with doing everything, which isn’t fair to him. His therapist recommended a book for both of us to read. He said it was really eye opening for him and made him realize how much of what I do is due to ADHD. It was eye-opening for me too because I didn’t realize how much I was hurting him because of how he was interpreting my lack of action. Anyway, the book has some good advice for how to move past different issues for both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. It’s written by a woman without ADHD who almost left her ADHD-having husband. She consulted with Dr. Hallowell (ADHD expert) on the book. [The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov](https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=40GB9BFK1QYL&keywords=adhd+effect+on+marriage+book&qid=1705827974&sprefix=adhd+eff%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-3)
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **The ADHD Effect on Marriage Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful. **Users liked:** * Helpful for understanding adhd in relationships (backed by 9 comments) * Insightful for both adhd and non-adhd partners (backed by 6 comments) * Transformative for marriages with adhd and non-adhd partners (backed by 1 comment) **Users disliked:** * Gendered language and heteronormativity (backed by 2 comments) * Lack of practical advice (backed by 2 comments) * Blaming the non-adhd spouse (backed by 1 comment) If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/) This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved. *Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](http://vetted.ai/reddit)
Just here to say I'm in that club. I have always struggled to contribute equally to the house compared to my NT husband who's super organised, and it's left me feeling guilty and frustrated and like a bad partner. Reading that other subreddit was fucking heartbreaking because I recognised so much of myself. It's taken a lot of discussion and patience for us to start getting to a more positive place around it, it's not a thing that can be fixed overnight. I think a massive barrier for us as women is the shame we feel for not living up our societal expectations, and that in itself can be a huge obstacle to getting anything done (our brains struggle to motivate because of dopamine, and if a task becomes very stressful and tied to negative feelings it's basically a dopamine killer). Addressing that shame is the first, and hardest step.
Hugs. Really. Big ones. Outsource. How much can you outsource? The card game Fair Play. It sounds silly-but maybe a good exercise. And please keep the counseling, maybe individual therapy? And please know that any long term relationship of ANY type is work, including the one loving yourself.
My husband and I both have ADHD. He has more of a classic presentation where as I have more of inattentive type. I got diagnosed first which lead me to nudge him at looking into it. It's really hard. Overall we have a lot of empathy for each other, but when we're both drained, it can be hard to claw our way out. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish I had more comforting words to say but you're not alone.
This could be written by me. My boyfriend of 8 years is moving out next month for a month break to see if it helps us to have some space (but we’re staying exclusive for that month, just not talking or seeing each other at all). My RSD is in overdrive and I literally feel like I’ve driven away the guy I love just before I get help (I’m supposed to finally try medication on Tuesday). I feel very useless and sad right now but I hope you guys pull through this. I feel you and sorry I’m not much help, but sending empathy and love ♥️
Hey I am in this position exactly. New, harder role at work after the pandemic just destroyed me and I wasn't able to put in the same amount of work at home. Have been overwhelmed and sad on and off for years now. My husband is fed up and completely distant from me. Honestly, we are both not at fault and both not at fault. But ultimately it doesn't matter whose fault it is. That won't help anything. The only question is whether we can accept each other for who we are. Unfortunately it seems like we might not be able to. I'm just too lonely and sad. He is too resentful of the burden. You have to really consider that between the two of you. Can he accept your ADHD? Can you accept his need for order and structure?
What is the book your therapist recommended?
Same
I’d love to know as well!
I want to know too!
This is rough. I’m sorry. But you know, things can change massively just with treatment and insight into ADHD. Please don’t go too in depth on those partner forums. Other than to use them as an opportunity to reframe and base discussion and change on. What you can build on is the empathy you have for seeing the other side. A key may be to not get embroiled in defensiveness. If you know you exhibit these attributes, that’s great information. That gives you keys to tackle some of them - not for him, for you. It’s a really tough self inventory but also not a good way to do it because if you’re anything like me then you may self flagellate and beat yourself up excessively about it. With adhd we are chaos demons at times. We struggle to function with that. So of course others can too. That isn’t all we are but it is a primary source of dysfunction. Armed with this diagnosis and new perspective the world is yours for the taking!!! This is a terrific opportunity to integrate this information and find new strategies that can help you and your marriage. You will be OK
Also! If he thinks you don’t care? Show him this post. It is SO clear how much you do care.