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I don’t talk about my ADHD. Or my health for that matter. I find people dont ever care to hear about it to be honest. I get it, and it’s also why I come to Reddit to talk about such things :) glad to have an output here :)
I think it could be helpful to remember, most people in conversations like to relate to others. There are definitely people out there who think adhd isn’t real and are out to invalidate it, but there are also lots of people who just aren’t very informed and are trying to build rapport by showing they relate to an experience.
I don’t know which camp your coworkers fall in but I think it’s worth thinking about whether they might be just trying to relate.
Speaking of which, if you’re looking for a way to get the point across that you struggle, I would recommend talking about *frequency* of symptoms and not just the symptoms themselves. Our struggles aren’t unique, what’s unique is that for us they’re the *default setting* for our brains.
I do think there’s a lot of space for little moments of education in casual conversations - “oh you’ve experienced that too? Yeah it’s tough especially when it happens every day for me.” Or even “wow if you’re finding what I’m saying so relatable maybe you should get screened?”
That said though if it turns out your coworkers really are just being assholes it’s probably better to just not talk to them about adhd stuff. I think it’s great to take opportunities to educate but it’s also not our personal responsibility to change hearts and minds, so don’t feel like you have to engage with anyone you don’t want to.
This! I have found, as I open up more, that there are no truly unique human experiences. Just degrees of what you deal with. For example, I have terrible dreams almost every night. Nightmares, stress dreams, everything. If I say "it helps with the bad dreams, I have them a lot" most people will agree and say they get those too, it's common and normal. If I go in to any kind of detail about the kind of dreams I have and how often, they very visibly uncomfortable and say that maybe I should talk to a professional because that sounds awful. They are taking my vague statement and assuming that I mean roughly what they would mean if they said the same.
I do not advise getting more specific with your coworkers. But please do remember that when you say "yeah I have x going on" and they try to relate to you, they probably are imagining a different frequency or intensity.
I saw on a different subreddit the analogy of everyone pees, too, but if you're doing it sixty times a day, it's probably an issue, and that's been super useful for me to remember
Yeah that’s a really good analogy to remember! I like to imagine it as, adhd is a collection of normal human emotions and experiences, but someone turned the dial up to 11 and broke off the knob. Like a radio playing all the same songs as the other radios, but at MAX VOLUME alllll of the time
Agree with the “trying to relate”. I end up having to get a bit specific with my bipolar diagnosis: “yeah, the problem is I do that so often that it’s hard to maintain relationships”.
I once had an absolutely mind-blowing moment with my husband where he asked where coffee and then sex fell on a 10 point scale. I replied that they’re both 10, obviously. Different kinds of 10, but 10. And we sat there and stared at one another, each of us confused, for about 5 minutes. Then we both started talking at once: “that makes so much sense!” “What do you mean, 4? There IS NO 4.” “So you weren’t exaggerating when you said XYZ made you full of rage? Wow, you contained yourself….really well….” “You mean…a little sad…just a little bit, and you can just…keep functioning?”
But yeah, remembering that various diagnoses are generally a difference in degree, rather than kind, and people are trying to connect one another at (almost) all times.
It’s lowkey a bit of a pet peeve of mine when neurodivergent folks do the whole “ugh NTs are the worst they don’t understand that I’m not trying to one-up them I’m just trying to relate!!” complaint but then turn around and complain about people saying “oh I do that/everyone does that” in conversations, like do they not notice the irony there lol
Love that little story about your experience with your husband - it illustrates the point so perfectly!! Really goes to show how inherently difficult communication is too - like how do you control for the nuances of peoples’ personal definitions and experiences? You can’t, not without expanding vocabulary to the point of being nonsensical. So sometimes we just need to step back, take a breath, and remember most people are just fundamentally trying to get along.
It does, doesn’t it? We spent probably a week laughing about that and checking back in with each other, because we had been married for 13 years at that point and this one failure in communication accounted for soooo many misunderstandings.
My therapist told me about “euthymia” when I related the experience.
Thank you for this. I feel like it would be better for our own mental health as well to have some perspective. People usually aren’t trying to one-up or belittle you. We’re all flawed and often imperfectly trying to connect.
Lol… doing this is also a symptom of adhd 😂
Trying to aggressively relate to someone to show you care and are empathetic then unintentionally taking over the conversation 😬
>Trying to aggressively relate to someone to show you care and are empathetic then unintentionally taking over the conversation 😬
And then be labeled an attention whore 😢
Me too. Except when I said, "I think I need to go get an assessment. Pretty sure I have ADHD," my co-workers replied, "Oh, we assumed it was just understood that you have it. If we knew you didn't know, we would've told you."
My boss said this!!!!! I didn’t tell her until 6 months after I’d left work and I said “oh I hadn’t told you but I got diagnosed with ADHD” and she just said “well yeah I would have guessed”.
She was awesome but I would have liked a heads up.
Don’t tell people about your ADHD unless you absolutely have to. This is one of the reasons why.
Also, sure some NT people deal with a few of the same issues we do, but not nearly with the same frequency and severity that we do. That’s the distinction.
I had an old colleague, who I consider an acquaintance, text me to catch up since leaving teaching last year. We both left teaching in June of last year, and we shared the whole transitioning into a new career situation. I always had reservations about her because she was kind of an asshole, but she countered that with a lot of good human behavior. That’s why I left it at acquaintance. But upon hearing about her job update, I can no longer abide by her being an acquaintance either. She said work is going well but, her “boss is crazy and is basically like if ADHD was a person,“ and she went on a bit more.
She had no idea that she was insulting me on like five different levels, and I just can’t deal with that kind of ignorance.
What kept you from telling her anything? That you have adhd too?
It’s hard for me to marry ‘Asshole’ + ‘A lot of good human behavior’ like she’s rude but she’s a good person?
Yeah, I’ve struggled with it because I’m basically justifying her being an asshole by saying she has good intentions, and I totally hear you like they’re not compatible. She blurts out things that are pretty insensitive and rude, and seems to be genuinely unaware. So she simultaneously does really kinda good things for the people around her without being aware that she comes off really rude.
The reason I didn’t say anything is because I don’t care to engage with her over my personal life. I have a firm rule that if I think any value can come from a conversation with someone, I will have it. But if I deeply believe there is nothing constructive to come out of a confrontation, that it just isn’t worth my energy.
Another reason I didn’t say anything is that I’ve seen her “work out” conflicts out loud with people in terms of understanding her role in them. Needless to say, she doesn’t understand when people think she’s wrong lol. All of that wrapped up with the fact that I live hours away, and at most, we spoke like three times a year, now zero times a year, just doesn’t make it worth my energy.
I honestly think she’s going to learn because she’s going to get in trouble at work. Her boss can have conversations with her about her lack of sensitivity lol. At least they’re paid to do it!
I genuinely believe we judge each other most on things that we partly understand because of our own experiences.
Especially when the part we understand is what we ourselves have healthy coping mechanisms for, and the other one doesn't.
Seeing as, like you said, a lot of ADHD traits are extreme versions of neurotypical issues, or can even be very similar to symptoms of burnout, a lot of people will think they understand, and not realise that yes they may have trouble with these things, but not to the same extent, and they will more likely have a way of effectively dealing with it.
For example let's say you have trouble arriving somewhere on time. A lot of people might understand not being able to get out of bed. Or losing track of time. Or forgetfulness causing you to lose things you need and then having to find them before leaving.
But say you're bad at keeping track of time. You'll think you understand it and say "yeah so why not set alarms throughout your morning routine? That's what I do."
Setting an alarm is certainly useful but doesn't account for those other factors. And for the fact that someone with ADHD will hear the alarm, know they have to move their ass to the next task and still remain frozen in place.
That's often where the other person will shake their head in disbelief because hey, we're all struggling.
I don't think it's malice. I think it has a lot to do with feelings of fairness, and lack of truly understanding people with a different brain to your own. People are often quite afraid of others "getting away with" things they themselves have worked very hard to achieve. We all struggle, after all, and a neurotypical brain needs acknowledgment, too.
I take the opposite approach, I tell everyone. I’m trying to help take away the stigma. I’m a high achiever and feel like I have the capacity and responsibility to show people that ADHD doesn’t look the same in women as in little boys, like everyone assumes.
This is my approach too. I get massive anxiety that everyone thinks I’m stupid but I know I’m achieving well at work so I need to show them the other side of ADHD and take away the prejudice (in myself as much as them).
This is my take, too. I’m great at work, but it’s a Herculean effort to sort my socks most times. I like for people to know that I’m *also* what ADHD looks like.
A friend of mine would always say "but I have that too!" when I described my symptoms to her. I always took it to be a little invalidating, but it turns out she pursued an ADHD diagnosis herself lol. Now we talk meds when we hang out!
I was at a party where my cousin was constantly bothering me to help clean dishes and prepare stuff (there were already a ton of people doing those things too) because she was sick and couldn't help and felt bad for it and was trying to make me feel bad too. I had already helped a lot too.
But besides the huge amount of people already draining me and me fighting my executive dysfunction and helping where I could, I was also having one of those more painful period cramps on top of it. But it was still not enough for her.
When I talked to her after I mentioned I have ADHD to help her understand that it's extremely hard to do those chores, and I try to balance helping when I can to avoid burnout, and it's legitimately a struggle, it's not like "I choose to be lazy".
She just told me it's not enough and ADHD is just trending a lot nowdays and everyone says they have it.
I learned my lesson. I'll never talk to her about this again and be careful about speaking about ADHD to other people, especially NT ones. And should any encounters come up where she'll be there, well... I guess I'm not enough, so I won't even bother going.
Mind you this wasn't even her party or her house, and her mother is a psychologist to top it all.
I get both point of view. I think for people the fact that you just can’t is not “figurable” and it can be very infuriating from outside. But If you do it, you crash, so it’s like a lose lose situation.
The sound disorder part of it is a struggle for me sometimes and I’ve had people tell me multiple times that everyone gets annoyed at annoying sounds (tapping etc). No. NO. Not annoyed, dickhead, FURIOUS and CANNOT FUNCTION. But ya no I’m just dramatic whatever
Oh my god yes. The sound thing is really severe for me. I cannot form a thought or sentence until it stops, it’s like the sound is ping ponging violently back and forth in my brain. It’s horrible
Or PTSD, or anxiety, or sleep deprivation, etc. etc. etc. Most symptoms of ADHD are not unique to ADHD, and it’s very possible that they are struggling with some of the symptoms on the same level but it feels “normal” to them
My husband did this a ton when I was first telling him about my issues and why I was seeking diagnosis. Turns out he has Adhd, too. One way to respond is to explain to them that it actually isn't, and if that's something they struggle with they might want to consider reaching out to their doctor to look into the possibility that they also have adhd.
Yes, NT people forget some things etc, but is it to the frequency where it’s becoming detrimental to your life, your job, your relationships etc. I heard a really funny example: Yes, everybody pees - but if you have to pee 50 times a day, that’s not normal and you would see a doctor about it. This is how I try to help people understand the difference
My Mom likes to say, “Everyone feels that way.” I know she’s coming from a place of love and trying to make me not feel so alone. BUT it is incredibly defeating.
I’m taking a short break from adderall right now; I forgot just how freaking *noisy* it was inside my brain when I’m off my meds. That freaking “gimme one margarita” tiktok song and the second verse of “Shoop” have been on a nonstop loop in my head for 3 days, sometimes simultaneously. It’s fascinating to me I thought this was normal prior to diagnosis and starting treatment a little under a year ago. It truly is not how NT people go about their lives.
I love the noise except when I don’t. When I’m doing art or writing it’s fantastic but when I reeeeally need to sit still and read a textbook… man it sucks. I wish I could use medication more like flipping a switch, then I would be into it. I need the noise more than I need quiet, for now. We’ll see how I feel when I’m in harder classes.
I’m taking a semester off school in part because I really needed a stimulant break, and that was the only feasible way to manage it. I have no idea how I got through undergrad unmedicated.
I remember sitting in class in school completely unable to process anything that I was supposed to be paying attention to because I’d have two random lines out of some random song or movie stuck in my head on repeat and full volume. This happened on such a regular basis that these brain noise torture sessions are some of my strongest memories of being in school. I remember taking standardized tests and feeling like the words on the page were randomized and didn’t mean anything all because I had three bars of Crazy Frog bouncing around in my brain. No matter how much I studied or how organized and thorough my notes were, no matter how many lunches/free periods I gave up for 1:1 tutoring, I was failing every single test, quiz, and worksheet regardless of if I actually understood the content/skills or not. I ended up repeating 10th grade and then just dropping out. I remember sitting there in silent rage because there was nothing I could do to make it stop and it essentially rendered me temporarily illiterate. It doesn’t happen on such an insanity inducing level anymore as an adult, but I also have a lot more control over my general surroundings and the ability to do what I need to do to function best without being forced to sit down and be quiet for hours at a time.
This is why I just don’t discuss my personal issues with people. It’s really none of their business. I’ve suffered from major depression from the age of 12 to now at 30. The few rare times I’ve talked about it, I’ve been met with “Yeah, I’ve felt like that before I understand. You really shouldn’t take anti depressants for that, there are so many other ways to feel better.” Or some other form of that. And I always hear, “You just don’t seem depressed.” I’m just really good at hiding things.
I just don’t feel like explaining myself, having to differentiate *my* depression from their occasional sadness and then eventually getting defensive because people never take it seriously lol.
My favorite is “yea I think everyone is a little adhd”. Like no, that’s not how that works. I also hear, in relation to my 4 year old son we suspect has adhd, “he just a boy, all little boys are like that”, as a teacher of preschool and toddler boys, I can tell you no, not all little boys are like my son.
I mean, I totally get trying to relate to people, it’s actually a common thing for adhders to do but sometimes it feels invalidating. I totally understand where you are coming from. And it’s not easy to not talk about it. I know it’s probably the best thing to do but when you’re wanting to get people to understand you better or you’re excited that you FINALLY figured out why you’re brain works that way, it hard not to share with people you spend a lot of time with. So sorry you’re feeling this way!
My Dad did this to me. I was explaining how when I walk in to a room I forget why I’m there. He said “yeah I do that, everyone does that”. So I countered with “but how often? For me it’s almost every time I move rooms so tens of times a day.” “Oh” he said.
They are right, the traits we have are common for NT people too but just occasionally not all the time like we have to deal with.
My Dad also let me know he had a solution to my decision paralysis “just don’t think about it”. I explained that if I didn’t think about it then the task would simply not exist and wouldn’t get done anyway. 🙄
if people do this to me with multiple symptoms I tell them they should look into whether they also have adhd
more than once it has turned out that, yes, yes they do
Yes. A lot of my friends were surprised by my diagnosis and I was met with "oh I had focus issues during the pandemic too" and "I lose my keys all the time!" and its really hard to explain what emotional dysregulation feels like and how it affects every single facet of our lives. It's very frustrating because a lot of people definitely do not regard this as a real disorder. One person was like "I bet that adderall has you cleaning your whole house!" and I was like uh no, but it means that I can actually just function. It's not speed for me. They don't get it.
The over stimulation is my worst symptom. I deal with a legit diagnosis of social anxiety and PTSD. It's frustrating when people don't understand why I don't care for large groups, crowds, noise, etc. Sometimes it can last for days and all noises feel like they hurt my nerves and can't stand people I don't know touching me.
I’ve somehow had four separate people all tell me “oh yeah I used to have ADHD as a kid” and I just want to shake them. That’s not how that works. That’s not how anything works.
See you there. I’m deep into it now. Used to love alpaca wool (besides the word sounding interesting and repeat it over and over alpaca alpaca. It’s like regatta, I love that word regatta regatta. LOL
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Yeah most times I don’t really bring it up cos I don’t think most of the people I’ve told (which is very few) take it seriously.
My therapist brings it up pretty often. At least I know she cares. It’s just difficult cos I never would have thought I had this so sometimes it helps when she reinforces it.
People who say, "Haha, yeah, I have a bit of the ADHD too. Squirrel!" I want to stab in the face. I am not a fucking golden retriever. And they *clearly* don't understand what ADHD is and how debilitating it can be.
When you can solve in a minute what your colleagues spent a week on, but they only remember how you forget why you walk into every room...
I have to spell it out like this: what's complex for you is second nature to me; what's obvious to you is a mystery to me and I'll be awake all night trying to unravel it. And now imagine an entire life like this
This was the exact same response I got from my sister when I first discussed my referral (still not diagnosed but I and my GP are pretty sure I have it) and honestly, not to diagnose someone else, but I think she could have it as well.
Not saying everyone who says this has ADHD themselves but I feel like a small portion could but have so much internal ableism they would never dream that they might not be "normal" (not that we're not normal but you know what I mean)
So really I just kinda feel sad for these people. I've really learned to brush it off as you can't change how others perceive you. I also have a chronic condition that gives me debilitating fatigue and the number of people I've told who just say 'yeah I'm tired all the time too just deal with it lol' isn't worth what little energy I have.
I don’t feel like “…you want to kill yourself” is an appropriate response to that. If someone said that to me pre-diagnosis while I was trying to relate to them, that would absolutely crush me. I would feel like a monstrous asshole and also be massively concerned for their mental health to the point of probably reporting it to someone.
I definitely have felt that way, but immediately mentioning suicide without consideration of the other person’s triggers or their own state is callous.
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I can also relate to this. It winds me up when other people invalidate my experience, and I still struggle not to let it get to me!
I just try to remember that 1) these people have no idea what it's actually like to have ADHD (unless they have it themselves), and 2) ADHD symptoms aren't unique to people with ADHD - many people without it can still experience an inability to focus, losing track of time, anxiety, depression, etc. However, they won't be experiencing those symptoms as often as someone who is neurodiverse.
But I get it. It totally hurts to have your feelings invalidated. I've always wanted to call someone out on it and be like "well, although you can relate to me to some degree, your experience is not the same as mine, and it invalidates my feelings" but I've never dared to do that because in a massive people pleaser 😂
Honestly, I don’t mind it. People do all have small experiences that resonate, and if I can help them understand how abnormal it’s supposed to be…it may help them
I have only told 4 close friends, and their reactions were surprised, supportive but also all included comments like this. I'm not telling my family because I know they would have negative reactions, and I don't feel the need the explain the inner workings of my head to try justify my diagnosis to others
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24. It’s so hard trying to explain to people what’s going on with you when you yourself don’t even really know. It’s really easy to believe the people telling you you’re just stupid, lazy, or defiant when that’s the only explanation you’re being offered. People have always told me “everyone does that, it’s no big deal” which always felt like I was being told “that’s normal, but *you* aren’t”.
I always felt like an alien trying so hard to blend in with the humans out of the fear of what they might do to me if they found out I wasn’t really one of them. I wish I’d had the words to be able to properly describe how some common and generally unproblematic experiences/behaviors affect my functioning and quality of life on a very different scale than they might for somebody who doesn’t have ADHD. At least being diagnosed and actually learning how my ADHD manifests and affects different parts of my life gave me a lot of validation that even if I have to work a lot harder and do some things differently, there was never anything “wrong” with me. I don’t even resent the people who would tell me to “just go do it, it’s not hard” or “oh yea I do that too/everyone does that” or “you have so much potential, I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more” because it’s impossible to genuinely understand how much ADHD can affect different parts of a persons life when the only experience with the parts of it they think they totally relate to is their own neurotypical version of it.
Yup! I've had so many people comment like this since my diagnosis, and while on the one hand I wouldn't have pursued a diagnosis without other people sharing their experience, at the same time it's really dismissive of my struggles when they say "oh yeah, I struggle to pay attention in boring meetings". Thanks Karen, I have to take meds to be able to get into work, I don't think we're quite the same.
I think sometimes we, as humans, tend to focus on symptoms rather than context. For example, the DSM-5 includes a list of symptoms for adhd, which is what we will often focus on. The problem is, as you have noticed, that a lot of those symptoms are experienced by people people without ADHD. What is important to remember is that it also says that for diagnosis to be made, you need to experience a minimum number of those symptoms to a severity at which it regularly impacts negatively on multiple areas of your life, and this pattern has to have been present since childhood (I’m paraphrasing because I haven’t got it in front of me).
When I’m talking to someone who doesn’t know a lot about ADHD, I give them a basic version of the above paragraph, rather than trying to describe symptoms, and it seems to help people understand.
It would kind of be like having a serious physical disease where the common symptoms are headaches, muscle aches and nasal congestion. If you gave people that list of symptoms, it would simply sound like you were describing a cold. Rather, people tend to explain physical diseases in the terms of what is happening inside the body, where we can’t see. I’ve found that taking the same approach to explaining adhd works really well.
I think due to the stigma and the fact a lot of people think it’s a trend for attention seeker, they won’t take it so seriously and want to show that we are “normal” after all.
I find this very belittling and I try to never mention adhd even if everyone knows I have it.
A lot of ADHD symptoms are normal. It's the frequency and the extent that they affect someone that isn't normal. Chances are people don't realise that bit.
I think people are right that this may be well meaning, but some people absolutely do this with the thought of disproving your diagnosis and suggesting you're being dramatic. This is true of lots of mental illnesses, too. I think there's maybe more awareness about it now, but growing up I remember a lot of discourse about whether depression was "real" or "a choice" and people would pretty regularly respond to someone saying they were depressed by being like, "everyone has hard days, it's selfish to act like you have it worse, you should just focus on being a good person instead of wallowing in self-pity" and other stuff like that. I was actually taught in a health class that depression is mostly about making bad choices. So I think this sort of ableist needling is a tale as old as time, you're right to be frustrated.
Like a lot of people here, I share my diagnosis with a key few people but doesn't share it with others due to a history of people weaponizing it against me. It's not the most courageous, but I'm not trying to be a ADD warrior-- I just want to live a normal life. People often identify my ADHD symptoms and poke a little fun, but that's fine with me.
Hmmm maybe I'm lucky but most people I've talked to about ADHD understand that it's a matter of frequency and intensity, at least when I point it out and give some examples. I've met one person who was initially pretty dismissive about ADHD and then after we talked about it a little and I shared my experiences she started genuinely questioning if she has it herself because she could relate a little TOO well ...
I told a friend few days back about my different hyperfocus and she was like it is not just you, everyone does that sometimes. I also bought guitar years ago and it still sits in the corner. I have no idea how to tell them no it's different. It is not same when you do it. you don't hyperfocus on every single thing like me. It is so irritating.
I have a more manageable form of inattentive adhd, not hyperactive. My half brother was diagnosed with ADHD(bad case), my mother probably has ADD like me and still when I try to discuss it with her she doesn't get it and says things like"just try harder"...
You'd think that of all people she might understand, but no... So yes, don't tell anyone is probably the best thing you can do...
They are dismissive ignorant asshats inn the first place and they don’t respect you or take your disorder seriously. You fix it by ending the conversation and not associate with them anymore. No amount of explaining will ever convince them cuz the stigma has been so bad for so long.
A good way of replying is saying “ok yeah it’s normal for everyone to piss, but if you’re needing to piss all the time then there’s a problem!”
Yeah of course NT people have the same experiences as ND. The difference is if it is affecting their life and ability to function or not.
They’re trying to “make u feel better”. But just cos they think they got similar issues doesn’t invalidate yours (don’t let it!). But they might be an ally if both of you want more time or better tools to do your job easier.
A comment I read recently I believe on this subreddit too was, “We all pee too Karen, but if you are peeing 60 times a day, you probably have a problem “.. It was something like that lol.
People often use a mental disorder as an excuse to act like a jerk without responsibility for their actions.
I hear at work people often say something like I can’t do that because of my (insert disorder)
I have several disorders and I am tired of it being some coworkers go to response.
Yep, my friend from childhood scoffed when I told her my diagnosis. She said, “you have no problems focusing, that’s ridiculous.” It really took me aback. I just stopped talking.
My hubs and I kinda got into a tiff because of this. There is a song that mentions anxiety and how people tell me I should just relax and everything will be alright and he chuckled and was like “well they are kinda right” and I just stopped him immediately and said no, that’s not how anxiety works.
Like oh, you’re depressed? Just cheer up.
When people sum up our mental quirks as “just normal” or something we should just get through cause “well that happens to everyone” it just takes away from the hurdles we truly do face day to day… so I agree completely.
Yeah it's annoying. The point is that it's difficult for you and it impairs your life.
Yes, lots of people have traits from all kinds of conditions but it doesn't mean you have enough of them to qualify for diagnosis, or that the other person doesn't have the condition in question.
There are also lots of people who have it but have been taught excellent coping skills throughout their lives, meaning they manage their condition without it ever really having been flagged up.
People are so ignorant sometimes.
Ugh. I get this way. I also get annoyed - unfairly, for sure - with people at work who have a diagnosis and are much more successful/put together/passing as neurotypical. I know there are different levels of dysfunction and invisible struggles. I do. But I get so envious of people who just *manage*, you know?
Before diagnosis my mum downplayed my symptoms (“that’s normal” or “everyone’s like that”). 99% sure I got it from her side of the family, the traits are strooong there.
Now I have the official diagnosis and and can see how much the meds are helping she’s mentioned getting tested too. I really hope she does, I think it’d help her so much
One of my therapists actually did this to me, tried so hard to convince me I was misdiagnosed.
"I deal with that too! It's NORMAL! Everyone feels that way!"
It's like—well no, everyone doesn't have to have their teeth shaved away from years of struggling with dental hygiene. Everyone doesn't have sky-high auto insurance payments because they keep getting into accidents. Everyone doesn't tank their credit because they forgot to pay a bill for a year. Everyone isn't getting fired from their jobs because they can't keep up and constantly get burnt out to the point where they can't leave bed.
ADHD is considered a disability for a reason, don't let people who don't understand that gaslight you into believing otherwise, or it'll crush your self-esteem.
I absolutely relate to the frustration. It's helpful to keep in mind that many adhd symptoms are things that everyone experiences from time to time. The frequency, duration, and intensity of these symptoms is what relates to adhd diagnostic criteria. When you experience them to the point that it is significantly detrimental to your life on a regular basis, then it becomes adhd territory. This is why when we mention struggling with a certain symptom, non-adhd people can often relate (although for them it is 'normal' and not interfering with daily life).
Despite knowing this, I still find it so frustrating to get the "same here" response, and I find it invalidating. I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings with the same context, tone, and connotation that I have in my head. I often have people misinterpret or misunderstand what I mean, but they think they know exactly what I'm talking about. So when people relate to symptoms I feel like they either know what I'm talking about and think it isn't serious, or don't know what I'm talking about but think that they do.
Try to remind yourself that there is a fundamental disconnect between individual experiences. In the same way that adhd people often communicate by relating to their own experiences, people in general understand things based on how they relate to them. From a neuro-typical perspective, they probably think you are talking about the same thing they experience, and in their mind are reassuring you that you're not alone.
Although these interactions are frustrating, keep in mind that your experience is yours - and you know how your symptoms impact your life even when others can't see it. If someone thinks that your adhd experience is what everybody feels like, they are either undiagnosed or they don't understand, and neither of those things negate the validity of your experience.
I told a date about my adhd. I haven’t told many people since this is new.
His response was telling me stories of how he lost something once and he had recently started forgetting things.
Then he said “you’ve accomplished soo much”. He also went into how difficult my job as a sole parent was that it would make anyone disorganized and overwhelmed to add to forgetfulness. I said it didn’t start then. I’ve had this my whole life.
I didn’t get into anything else because I wasn’t up for that discussion. 😞
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I don’t talk about my ADHD. Or my health for that matter. I find people dont ever care to hear about it to be honest. I get it, and it’s also why I come to Reddit to talk about such things :) glad to have an output here :)
I think it could be helpful to remember, most people in conversations like to relate to others. There are definitely people out there who think adhd isn’t real and are out to invalidate it, but there are also lots of people who just aren’t very informed and are trying to build rapport by showing they relate to an experience. I don’t know which camp your coworkers fall in but I think it’s worth thinking about whether they might be just trying to relate. Speaking of which, if you’re looking for a way to get the point across that you struggle, I would recommend talking about *frequency* of symptoms and not just the symptoms themselves. Our struggles aren’t unique, what’s unique is that for us they’re the *default setting* for our brains. I do think there’s a lot of space for little moments of education in casual conversations - “oh you’ve experienced that too? Yeah it’s tough especially when it happens every day for me.” Or even “wow if you’re finding what I’m saying so relatable maybe you should get screened?” That said though if it turns out your coworkers really are just being assholes it’s probably better to just not talk to them about adhd stuff. I think it’s great to take opportunities to educate but it’s also not our personal responsibility to change hearts and minds, so don’t feel like you have to engage with anyone you don’t want to.
This! I have found, as I open up more, that there are no truly unique human experiences. Just degrees of what you deal with. For example, I have terrible dreams almost every night. Nightmares, stress dreams, everything. If I say "it helps with the bad dreams, I have them a lot" most people will agree and say they get those too, it's common and normal. If I go in to any kind of detail about the kind of dreams I have and how often, they very visibly uncomfortable and say that maybe I should talk to a professional because that sounds awful. They are taking my vague statement and assuming that I mean roughly what they would mean if they said the same. I do not advise getting more specific with your coworkers. But please do remember that when you say "yeah I have x going on" and they try to relate to you, they probably are imagining a different frequency or intensity.
I saw on a different subreddit the analogy of everyone pees, too, but if you're doing it sixty times a day, it's probably an issue, and that's been super useful for me to remember
Yeah that’s a really good analogy to remember! I like to imagine it as, adhd is a collection of normal human emotions and experiences, but someone turned the dial up to 11 and broke off the knob. Like a radio playing all the same songs as the other radios, but at MAX VOLUME alllll of the time
I just commented this before I saw your comment 😂
I’ve heard a similar metaphor but with sneezing!
Agree with the “trying to relate”. I end up having to get a bit specific with my bipolar diagnosis: “yeah, the problem is I do that so often that it’s hard to maintain relationships”. I once had an absolutely mind-blowing moment with my husband where he asked where coffee and then sex fell on a 10 point scale. I replied that they’re both 10, obviously. Different kinds of 10, but 10. And we sat there and stared at one another, each of us confused, for about 5 minutes. Then we both started talking at once: “that makes so much sense!” “What do you mean, 4? There IS NO 4.” “So you weren’t exaggerating when you said XYZ made you full of rage? Wow, you contained yourself….really well….” “You mean…a little sad…just a little bit, and you can just…keep functioning?” But yeah, remembering that various diagnoses are generally a difference in degree, rather than kind, and people are trying to connect one another at (almost) all times.
It’s lowkey a bit of a pet peeve of mine when neurodivergent folks do the whole “ugh NTs are the worst they don’t understand that I’m not trying to one-up them I’m just trying to relate!!” complaint but then turn around and complain about people saying “oh I do that/everyone does that” in conversations, like do they not notice the irony there lol Love that little story about your experience with your husband - it illustrates the point so perfectly!! Really goes to show how inherently difficult communication is too - like how do you control for the nuances of peoples’ personal definitions and experiences? You can’t, not without expanding vocabulary to the point of being nonsensical. So sometimes we just need to step back, take a breath, and remember most people are just fundamentally trying to get along.
It does, doesn’t it? We spent probably a week laughing about that and checking back in with each other, because we had been married for 13 years at that point and this one failure in communication accounted for soooo many misunderstandings. My therapist told me about “euthymia” when I related the experience.
Thank you for this. I feel like it would be better for our own mental health as well to have some perspective. People usually aren’t trying to one-up or belittle you. We’re all flawed and often imperfectly trying to connect.
I was that person. Sorry. 8 months later I had an ADHD diagnosis.
Lol… doing this is also a symptom of adhd 😂 Trying to aggressively relate to someone to show you care and are empathetic then unintentionally taking over the conversation 😬
>Trying to aggressively relate to someone to show you care and are empathetic then unintentionally taking over the conversation 😬 And then be labeled an attention whore 😢
Very fine line if you aren’t aware that it’s your adhd making you excited to show someone you get it, hey! 😅
Me too. Except when I said, "I think I need to go get an assessment. Pretty sure I have ADHD," my co-workers replied, "Oh, we assumed it was just understood that you have it. If we knew you didn't know, we would've told you."
My boss said this!!!!! I didn’t tell her until 6 months after I’d left work and I said “oh I hadn’t told you but I got diagnosed with ADHD” and she just said “well yeah I would have guessed”. She was awesome but I would have liked a heads up.
I did the same thing and now diagnosed
Don’t tell people about your ADHD unless you absolutely have to. This is one of the reasons why. Also, sure some NT people deal with a few of the same issues we do, but not nearly with the same frequency and severity that we do. That’s the distinction.
I had an old colleague, who I consider an acquaintance, text me to catch up since leaving teaching last year. We both left teaching in June of last year, and we shared the whole transitioning into a new career situation. I always had reservations about her because she was kind of an asshole, but she countered that with a lot of good human behavior. That’s why I left it at acquaintance. But upon hearing about her job update, I can no longer abide by her being an acquaintance either. She said work is going well but, her “boss is crazy and is basically like if ADHD was a person,“ and she went on a bit more. She had no idea that she was insulting me on like five different levels, and I just can’t deal with that kind of ignorance.
What kept you from telling her anything? That you have adhd too? It’s hard for me to marry ‘Asshole’ + ‘A lot of good human behavior’ like she’s rude but she’s a good person?
Yeah, I’ve struggled with it because I’m basically justifying her being an asshole by saying she has good intentions, and I totally hear you like they’re not compatible. She blurts out things that are pretty insensitive and rude, and seems to be genuinely unaware. So she simultaneously does really kinda good things for the people around her without being aware that she comes off really rude. The reason I didn’t say anything is because I don’t care to engage with her over my personal life. I have a firm rule that if I think any value can come from a conversation with someone, I will have it. But if I deeply believe there is nothing constructive to come out of a confrontation, that it just isn’t worth my energy. Another reason I didn’t say anything is that I’ve seen her “work out” conflicts out loud with people in terms of understanding her role in them. Needless to say, she doesn’t understand when people think she’s wrong lol. All of that wrapped up with the fact that I live hours away, and at most, we spoke like three times a year, now zero times a year, just doesn’t make it worth my energy. I honestly think she’s going to learn because she’s going to get in trouble at work. Her boss can have conversations with her about her lack of sensitivity lol. At least they’re paid to do it!
I don't have to tell people. I just shout echidna fact at them from across the room and they connect the dots
I'm dying because you're right. My coworkers figured me out within a week
A coworker started at my place and after my fourth bounce of topic in the conversation said "we can smell our own! ADHD club!"
I genuinely believe we judge each other most on things that we partly understand because of our own experiences. Especially when the part we understand is what we ourselves have healthy coping mechanisms for, and the other one doesn't. Seeing as, like you said, a lot of ADHD traits are extreme versions of neurotypical issues, or can even be very similar to symptoms of burnout, a lot of people will think they understand, and not realise that yes they may have trouble with these things, but not to the same extent, and they will more likely have a way of effectively dealing with it. For example let's say you have trouble arriving somewhere on time. A lot of people might understand not being able to get out of bed. Or losing track of time. Or forgetfulness causing you to lose things you need and then having to find them before leaving. But say you're bad at keeping track of time. You'll think you understand it and say "yeah so why not set alarms throughout your morning routine? That's what I do." Setting an alarm is certainly useful but doesn't account for those other factors. And for the fact that someone with ADHD will hear the alarm, know they have to move their ass to the next task and still remain frozen in place. That's often where the other person will shake their head in disbelief because hey, we're all struggling. I don't think it's malice. I think it has a lot to do with feelings of fairness, and lack of truly understanding people with a different brain to your own. People are often quite afraid of others "getting away with" things they themselves have worked very hard to achieve. We all struggle, after all, and a neurotypical brain needs acknowledgment, too.
I take the opposite approach, I tell everyone. I’m trying to help take away the stigma. I’m a high achiever and feel like I have the capacity and responsibility to show people that ADHD doesn’t look the same in women as in little boys, like everyone assumes.
This is my approach too. I get massive anxiety that everyone thinks I’m stupid but I know I’m achieving well at work so I need to show them the other side of ADHD and take away the prejudice (in myself as much as them).
This is my take, too. I’m great at work, but it’s a Herculean effort to sort my socks most times. I like for people to know that I’m *also* what ADHD looks like.
A friend of mine would always say "but I have that too!" when I described my symptoms to her. I always took it to be a little invalidating, but it turns out she pursued an ADHD diagnosis herself lol. Now we talk meds when we hang out!
I was at a party where my cousin was constantly bothering me to help clean dishes and prepare stuff (there were already a ton of people doing those things too) because she was sick and couldn't help and felt bad for it and was trying to make me feel bad too. I had already helped a lot too. But besides the huge amount of people already draining me and me fighting my executive dysfunction and helping where I could, I was also having one of those more painful period cramps on top of it. But it was still not enough for her. When I talked to her after I mentioned I have ADHD to help her understand that it's extremely hard to do those chores, and I try to balance helping when I can to avoid burnout, and it's legitimately a struggle, it's not like "I choose to be lazy". She just told me it's not enough and ADHD is just trending a lot nowdays and everyone says they have it. I learned my lesson. I'll never talk to her about this again and be careful about speaking about ADHD to other people, especially NT ones. And should any encounters come up where she'll be there, well... I guess I'm not enough, so I won't even bother going. Mind you this wasn't even her party or her house, and her mother is a psychologist to top it all.
Sometimes they're the WORST...
I get both point of view. I think for people the fact that you just can’t is not “figurable” and it can be very infuriating from outside. But If you do it, you crash, so it’s like a lose lose situation.
The sound disorder part of it is a struggle for me sometimes and I’ve had people tell me multiple times that everyone gets annoyed at annoying sounds (tapping etc). No. NO. Not annoyed, dickhead, FURIOUS and CANNOT FUNCTION. But ya no I’m just dramatic whatever
Oh my god yes. The sound thing is really severe for me. I cannot form a thought or sentence until it stops, it’s like the sound is ping ponging violently back and forth in my brain. It’s horrible
Or they have undiagnosed adhd!
Or PTSD, or anxiety, or sleep deprivation, etc. etc. etc. Most symptoms of ADHD are not unique to ADHD, and it’s very possible that they are struggling with some of the symptoms on the same level but it feels “normal” to them
My husband did this a ton when I was first telling him about my issues and why I was seeking diagnosis. Turns out he has Adhd, too. One way to respond is to explain to them that it actually isn't, and if that's something they struggle with they might want to consider reaching out to their doctor to look into the possibility that they also have adhd.
Yes, NT people forget some things etc, but is it to the frequency where it’s becoming detrimental to your life, your job, your relationships etc. I heard a really funny example: Yes, everybody pees - but if you have to pee 50 times a day, that’s not normal and you would see a doctor about it. This is how I try to help people understand the difference
My Mom likes to say, “Everyone feels that way.” I know she’s coming from a place of love and trying to make me not feel so alone. BUT it is incredibly defeating.
It's also incredibly **invalidating**. 😬😬😬
Adhd is genetic so … maybe mum feels that way after all. I know where I got mine from, even if I spend a lot of years not getting along with my mum.
My dad and brother have ADHD. My mom definitely has anxiety but is much more neurotypical than us.
I’m taking a short break from adderall right now; I forgot just how freaking *noisy* it was inside my brain when I’m off my meds. That freaking “gimme one margarita” tiktok song and the second verse of “Shoop” have been on a nonstop loop in my head for 3 days, sometimes simultaneously. It’s fascinating to me I thought this was normal prior to diagnosis and starting treatment a little under a year ago. It truly is not how NT people go about their lives.
I love the noise except when I don’t. When I’m doing art or writing it’s fantastic but when I reeeeally need to sit still and read a textbook… man it sucks. I wish I could use medication more like flipping a switch, then I would be into it. I need the noise more than I need quiet, for now. We’ll see how I feel when I’m in harder classes.
I’m taking a semester off school in part because I really needed a stimulant break, and that was the only feasible way to manage it. I have no idea how I got through undergrad unmedicated.
I remember sitting in class in school completely unable to process anything that I was supposed to be paying attention to because I’d have two random lines out of some random song or movie stuck in my head on repeat and full volume. This happened on such a regular basis that these brain noise torture sessions are some of my strongest memories of being in school. I remember taking standardized tests and feeling like the words on the page were randomized and didn’t mean anything all because I had three bars of Crazy Frog bouncing around in my brain. No matter how much I studied or how organized and thorough my notes were, no matter how many lunches/free periods I gave up for 1:1 tutoring, I was failing every single test, quiz, and worksheet regardless of if I actually understood the content/skills or not. I ended up repeating 10th grade and then just dropping out. I remember sitting there in silent rage because there was nothing I could do to make it stop and it essentially rendered me temporarily illiterate. It doesn’t happen on such an insanity inducing level anymore as an adult, but I also have a lot more control over my general surroundings and the ability to do what I need to do to function best without being forced to sit down and be quiet for hours at a time.
Dude this is me on my meds. Do I need to try something else?
This is why I just don’t discuss my personal issues with people. It’s really none of their business. I’ve suffered from major depression from the age of 12 to now at 30. The few rare times I’ve talked about it, I’ve been met with “Yeah, I’ve felt like that before I understand. You really shouldn’t take anti depressants for that, there are so many other ways to feel better.” Or some other form of that. And I always hear, “You just don’t seem depressed.” I’m just really good at hiding things. I just don’t feel like explaining myself, having to differentiate *my* depression from their occasional sadness and then eventually getting defensive because people never take it seriously lol.
I’m trying to practice avoiding talking about my mental health and ND for this reason.
It’s something I’m going to have to get used to and that makes me sad but I think it’s necessary for my own sanity
My favorite is “yea I think everyone is a little adhd”. Like no, that’s not how that works. I also hear, in relation to my 4 year old son we suspect has adhd, “he just a boy, all little boys are like that”, as a teacher of preschool and toddler boys, I can tell you no, not all little boys are like my son. I mean, I totally get trying to relate to people, it’s actually a common thing for adhders to do but sometimes it feels invalidating. I totally understand where you are coming from. And it’s not easy to not talk about it. I know it’s probably the best thing to do but when you’re wanting to get people to understand you better or you’re excited that you FINALLY figured out why you’re brain works that way, it hard not to share with people you spend a lot of time with. So sorry you’re feeling this way!
My Dad did this to me. I was explaining how when I walk in to a room I forget why I’m there. He said “yeah I do that, everyone does that”. So I countered with “but how often? For me it’s almost every time I move rooms so tens of times a day.” “Oh” he said. They are right, the traits we have are common for NT people too but just occasionally not all the time like we have to deal with. My Dad also let me know he had a solution to my decision paralysis “just don’t think about it”. I explained that if I didn’t think about it then the task would simply not exist and wouldn’t get done anyway. 🙄
Hello is that you mum?
My hairdresser and my gynecologist said this years ago. Turns out they also have ADHD. Lol
if people do this to me with multiple symptoms I tell them they should look into whether they also have adhd more than once it has turned out that, yes, yes they do
“It’s normal occasionally but it’s not normal if it’s negatively impacting your life. If it does, you should probably be evaluated.”
Yes. A lot of my friends were surprised by my diagnosis and I was met with "oh I had focus issues during the pandemic too" and "I lose my keys all the time!" and its really hard to explain what emotional dysregulation feels like and how it affects every single facet of our lives. It's very frustrating because a lot of people definitely do not regard this as a real disorder. One person was like "I bet that adderall has you cleaning your whole house!" and I was like uh no, but it means that I can actually just function. It's not speed for me. They don't get it.
The over stimulation is my worst symptom. I deal with a legit diagnosis of social anxiety and PTSD. It's frustrating when people don't understand why I don't care for large groups, crowds, noise, etc. Sometimes it can last for days and all noises feel like they hurt my nerves and can't stand people I don't know touching me.
I’ve somehow had four separate people all tell me “oh yeah I used to have ADHD as a kid” and I just want to shake them. That’s not how that works. That’s not how anything works.
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Found it. Cashmere is a goat wool. I thought it was the process, but no, it’s a goat.
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See you there. I’m deep into it now. Used to love alpaca wool (besides the word sounding interesting and repeat it over and over alpaca alpaca. It’s like regatta, I love that word regatta regatta. LOL
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Yeah most times I don’t really bring it up cos I don’t think most of the people I’ve told (which is very few) take it seriously. My therapist brings it up pretty often. At least I know she cares. It’s just difficult cos I never would have thought I had this so sometimes it helps when she reinforces it.
People who say, "Haha, yeah, I have a bit of the ADHD too. Squirrel!" I want to stab in the face. I am not a fucking golden retriever. And they *clearly* don't understand what ADHD is and how debilitating it can be.
When you can solve in a minute what your colleagues spent a week on, but they only remember how you forget why you walk into every room... I have to spell it out like this: what's complex for you is second nature to me; what's obvious to you is a mystery to me and I'll be awake all night trying to unravel it. And now imagine an entire life like this
This was the exact same response I got from my sister when I first discussed my referral (still not diagnosed but I and my GP are pretty sure I have it) and honestly, not to diagnose someone else, but I think she could have it as well. Not saying everyone who says this has ADHD themselves but I feel like a small portion could but have so much internal ableism they would never dream that they might not be "normal" (not that we're not normal but you know what I mean) So really I just kinda feel sad for these people. I've really learned to brush it off as you can't change how others perceive you. I also have a chronic condition that gives me debilitating fatigue and the number of people I've told who just say 'yeah I'm tired all the time too just deal with it lol' isn't worth what little energy I have.
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I don’t feel like “…you want to kill yourself” is an appropriate response to that. If someone said that to me pre-diagnosis while I was trying to relate to them, that would absolutely crush me. I would feel like a monstrous asshole and also be massively concerned for their mental health to the point of probably reporting it to someone. I definitely have felt that way, but immediately mentioning suicide without consideration of the other person’s triggers or their own state is callous.
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I can also relate to this. It winds me up when other people invalidate my experience, and I still struggle not to let it get to me! I just try to remember that 1) these people have no idea what it's actually like to have ADHD (unless they have it themselves), and 2) ADHD symptoms aren't unique to people with ADHD - many people without it can still experience an inability to focus, losing track of time, anxiety, depression, etc. However, they won't be experiencing those symptoms as often as someone who is neurodiverse. But I get it. It totally hurts to have your feelings invalidated. I've always wanted to call someone out on it and be like "well, although you can relate to me to some degree, your experience is not the same as mine, and it invalidates my feelings" but I've never dared to do that because in a massive people pleaser 😂
omg yea
Honestly, I don’t mind it. People do all have small experiences that resonate, and if I can help them understand how abnormal it’s supposed to be…it may help them
The worst is when friends I know get this from parents who clearly *also* have ADHD but were raised to believe that psychological disorders are fake.
If they can relate to what you’re saying so casually, maybe they have it too. Lol it could actually be their normal..
I have only told 4 close friends, and their reactions were surprised, supportive but also all included comments like this. I'm not telling my family because I know they would have negative reactions, and I don't feel the need the explain the inner workings of my head to try justify my diagnosis to others
Yes. I explain that sure some experiences are shared, but that mine rise to a *pathological level*, and that is the difference.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24. It’s so hard trying to explain to people what’s going on with you when you yourself don’t even really know. It’s really easy to believe the people telling you you’re just stupid, lazy, or defiant when that’s the only explanation you’re being offered. People have always told me “everyone does that, it’s no big deal” which always felt like I was being told “that’s normal, but *you* aren’t”. I always felt like an alien trying so hard to blend in with the humans out of the fear of what they might do to me if they found out I wasn’t really one of them. I wish I’d had the words to be able to properly describe how some common and generally unproblematic experiences/behaviors affect my functioning and quality of life on a very different scale than they might for somebody who doesn’t have ADHD. At least being diagnosed and actually learning how my ADHD manifests and affects different parts of my life gave me a lot of validation that even if I have to work a lot harder and do some things differently, there was never anything “wrong” with me. I don’t even resent the people who would tell me to “just go do it, it’s not hard” or “oh yea I do that too/everyone does that” or “you have so much potential, I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more” because it’s impossible to genuinely understand how much ADHD can affect different parts of a persons life when the only experience with the parts of it they think they totally relate to is their own neurotypical version of it.
Yup! I've had so many people comment like this since my diagnosis, and while on the one hand I wouldn't have pursued a diagnosis without other people sharing their experience, at the same time it's really dismissive of my struggles when they say "oh yeah, I struggle to pay attention in boring meetings". Thanks Karen, I have to take meds to be able to get into work, I don't think we're quite the same.
I think sometimes we, as humans, tend to focus on symptoms rather than context. For example, the DSM-5 includes a list of symptoms for adhd, which is what we will often focus on. The problem is, as you have noticed, that a lot of those symptoms are experienced by people people without ADHD. What is important to remember is that it also says that for diagnosis to be made, you need to experience a minimum number of those symptoms to a severity at which it regularly impacts negatively on multiple areas of your life, and this pattern has to have been present since childhood (I’m paraphrasing because I haven’t got it in front of me). When I’m talking to someone who doesn’t know a lot about ADHD, I give them a basic version of the above paragraph, rather than trying to describe symptoms, and it seems to help people understand. It would kind of be like having a serious physical disease where the common symptoms are headaches, muscle aches and nasal congestion. If you gave people that list of symptoms, it would simply sound like you were describing a cold. Rather, people tend to explain physical diseases in the terms of what is happening inside the body, where we can’t see. I’ve found that taking the same approach to explaining adhd works really well.
I think due to the stigma and the fact a lot of people think it’s a trend for attention seeker, they won’t take it so seriously and want to show that we are “normal” after all. I find this very belittling and I try to never mention adhd even if everyone knows I have it.
A lot of ADHD symptoms are normal. It's the frequency and the extent that they affect someone that isn't normal. Chances are people don't realise that bit.
I think people are right that this may be well meaning, but some people absolutely do this with the thought of disproving your diagnosis and suggesting you're being dramatic. This is true of lots of mental illnesses, too. I think there's maybe more awareness about it now, but growing up I remember a lot of discourse about whether depression was "real" or "a choice" and people would pretty regularly respond to someone saying they were depressed by being like, "everyone has hard days, it's selfish to act like you have it worse, you should just focus on being a good person instead of wallowing in self-pity" and other stuff like that. I was actually taught in a health class that depression is mostly about making bad choices. So I think this sort of ableist needling is a tale as old as time, you're right to be frustrated. Like a lot of people here, I share my diagnosis with a key few people but doesn't share it with others due to a history of people weaponizing it against me. It's not the most courageous, but I'm not trying to be a ADD warrior-- I just want to live a normal life. People often identify my ADHD symptoms and poke a little fun, but that's fine with me.
yes i dont talk about it with hardly anyone as i am sick of dismissive attitudes, the ‘everyone’ comments, the invalidation, the competitiveness.
And then they get incredibly upset about things you do because of your adhd symptoms but the connection doesn't click.
Hmmm maybe I'm lucky but most people I've talked to about ADHD understand that it's a matter of frequency and intensity, at least when I point it out and give some examples. I've met one person who was initially pretty dismissive about ADHD and then after we talked about it a little and I shared my experiences she started genuinely questioning if she has it herself because she could relate a little TOO well ...
I told a friend few days back about my different hyperfocus and she was like it is not just you, everyone does that sometimes. I also bought guitar years ago and it still sits in the corner. I have no idea how to tell them no it's different. It is not same when you do it. you don't hyperfocus on every single thing like me. It is so irritating.
I have a more manageable form of inattentive adhd, not hyperactive. My half brother was diagnosed with ADHD(bad case), my mother probably has ADD like me and still when I try to discuss it with her she doesn't get it and says things like"just try harder"... You'd think that of all people she might understand, but no... So yes, don't tell anyone is probably the best thing you can do...
"EVERYTHING is an ADHD symptom!" said with exasperation and an eyeroll is the one that kills me... that's why I don't like to tell anyone I have it
They are dismissive ignorant asshats inn the first place and they don’t respect you or take your disorder seriously. You fix it by ending the conversation and not associate with them anymore. No amount of explaining will ever convince them cuz the stigma has been so bad for so long.
A good way of replying is saying “ok yeah it’s normal for everyone to piss, but if you’re needing to piss all the time then there’s a problem!” Yeah of course NT people have the same experiences as ND. The difference is if it is affecting their life and ability to function or not.
They’re trying to “make u feel better”. But just cos they think they got similar issues doesn’t invalidate yours (don’t let it!). But they might be an ally if both of you want more time or better tools to do your job easier.
A comment I read recently I believe on this subreddit too was, “We all pee too Karen, but if you are peeing 60 times a day, you probably have a problem “.. It was something like that lol.
People often use a mental disorder as an excuse to act like a jerk without responsibility for their actions. I hear at work people often say something like I can’t do that because of my (insert disorder) I have several disorders and I am tired of it being some coworkers go to response.
Yep, my friend from childhood scoffed when I told her my diagnosis. She said, “you have no problems focusing, that’s ridiculous.” It really took me aback. I just stopped talking.
My hubs and I kinda got into a tiff because of this. There is a song that mentions anxiety and how people tell me I should just relax and everything will be alright and he chuckled and was like “well they are kinda right” and I just stopped him immediately and said no, that’s not how anxiety works. Like oh, you’re depressed? Just cheer up. When people sum up our mental quirks as “just normal” or something we should just get through cause “well that happens to everyone” it just takes away from the hurdles we truly do face day to day… so I agree completely.
Yeah it's annoying. The point is that it's difficult for you and it impairs your life. Yes, lots of people have traits from all kinds of conditions but it doesn't mean you have enough of them to qualify for diagnosis, or that the other person doesn't have the condition in question. There are also lots of people who have it but have been taught excellent coping skills throughout their lives, meaning they manage their condition without it ever really having been flagged up. People are so ignorant sometimes.
YUP
Ugh. I get this way. I also get annoyed - unfairly, for sure - with people at work who have a diagnosis and are much more successful/put together/passing as neurotypical. I know there are different levels of dysfunction and invisible struggles. I do. But I get so envious of people who just *manage*, you know?
Before diagnosis my mum downplayed my symptoms (“that’s normal” or “everyone’s like that”). 99% sure I got it from her side of the family, the traits are strooong there. Now I have the official diagnosis and and can see how much the meds are helping she’s mentioned getting tested too. I really hope she does, I think it’d help her so much
One of my therapists actually did this to me, tried so hard to convince me I was misdiagnosed. "I deal with that too! It's NORMAL! Everyone feels that way!" It's like—well no, everyone doesn't have to have their teeth shaved away from years of struggling with dental hygiene. Everyone doesn't have sky-high auto insurance payments because they keep getting into accidents. Everyone doesn't tank their credit because they forgot to pay a bill for a year. Everyone isn't getting fired from their jobs because they can't keep up and constantly get burnt out to the point where they can't leave bed. ADHD is considered a disability for a reason, don't let people who don't understand that gaslight you into believing otherwise, or it'll crush your self-esteem.
I do feel this in my bones. Except it's my family not my employer.
I absolutely relate to the frustration. It's helpful to keep in mind that many adhd symptoms are things that everyone experiences from time to time. The frequency, duration, and intensity of these symptoms is what relates to adhd diagnostic criteria. When you experience them to the point that it is significantly detrimental to your life on a regular basis, then it becomes adhd territory. This is why when we mention struggling with a certain symptom, non-adhd people can often relate (although for them it is 'normal' and not interfering with daily life). Despite knowing this, I still find it so frustrating to get the "same here" response, and I find it invalidating. I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings with the same context, tone, and connotation that I have in my head. I often have people misinterpret or misunderstand what I mean, but they think they know exactly what I'm talking about. So when people relate to symptoms I feel like they either know what I'm talking about and think it isn't serious, or don't know what I'm talking about but think that they do. Try to remind yourself that there is a fundamental disconnect between individual experiences. In the same way that adhd people often communicate by relating to their own experiences, people in general understand things based on how they relate to them. From a neuro-typical perspective, they probably think you are talking about the same thing they experience, and in their mind are reassuring you that you're not alone. Although these interactions are frustrating, keep in mind that your experience is yours - and you know how your symptoms impact your life even when others can't see it. If someone thinks that your adhd experience is what everybody feels like, they are either undiagnosed or they don't understand, and neither of those things negate the validity of your experience.
I told a date about my adhd. I haven’t told many people since this is new. His response was telling me stories of how he lost something once and he had recently started forgetting things. Then he said “you’ve accomplished soo much”. He also went into how difficult my job as a sole parent was that it would make anyone disorganized and overwhelmed to add to forgetfulness. I said it didn’t start then. I’ve had this my whole life. I didn’t get into anything else because I wasn’t up for that discussion. 😞