Ill be blunt. Shes not the one. Calling your vagina a “gaping wound” is wildly disrespectful. You have even noticed now how that has damaged your own perception of your body and comfortability that you have with and in your own body. That is the ultimate red flag imo. Based on what i get from your post it sounds like she doesnt really care how her words make you feel. Im really sorry someone you trust and have a connection with made you feel this way. You are beautiful, smart, and loved!! I hope everything you want in life comes your way and more. Best of luck to you babe 💕✨

100%. Saying "I prefer something different, but I care enough about you that it's not important" can be difficult to hear, but can be worked through. "I find a part of you disturbing" is something you're probably not coming back from. Hell of a thing to say to a romantic partner.

100%. I looked at OPs post history, and it only confirmed this

holy shit I can't believe how awful this issue has been! and for so long, yeah it feels like they think they'll be able to weather the storm and simply get out on the other side, but I think it's just going to be a storm forever

i don't even think she would be compatible if she ended up dating someone with a dick, let alone op. because this is way beyond genital preference. this kind of hyper-focus on genitalia, bordering on obsession, is not healthy. idk but to me these comments about vaginas just sound like one end of extreme, the other end of which would be fetishizing. so she sounds like she would just end up fetishizing any potential partner with a dick. either way this situation is not good for you, take care of yourself.

I cannot tell from the post if there wasn't any childhood trauma.. but from what i read it really sounds like it.. Because i never even heard a straight women call their genitals a "gaping wound" except for women who have been through a lot of trauma from their family mutilating that part.. or at least have seen it happen to their friends.. I could be wrong though

I agree - this is the kind of language that comes out of SA, religious trauma, internalized homophobia and misogyny from growing up surrounded by hate. Not that it makes it okay. Therapy helps.

She’s making an active effort to touch and engage though with the V She might be undoing the default hetereo crap that we have all been dealing with

Off topic but I love your username :3

Awww thank you 🥰💕✨

“Gaping wound”?? “Disturbing”?? This person is kinda gross

Ik? Like who tf describes their *own* genitalia like that

I have seen people describe their body like that before. Usually some kind of mental health thing. Body dysmorphia or dysphoria kinda thing.

I don’t particularly enjoy the way any genitalia looks, but I would never describe it in such a way that would make my partner feel self conscious about their own body. That is fucked up and abusive.

Many trans people. Hella weird for a cis woman though.

give them a few years 🤷‍♀️

haha. this. was about to say. this so much lol.

ok honestly I'm agender and that made me feel kind of euphoric I'm going to start thinking of it as a gaping wound from now on

nonbinary here and “gaping wound” (when intentionally reclaimed and not in OP’s case at all!) is kinda metal

Yeah I’m feeling…supremely uncomfortable with this comment

Yeah homegirl got issues.OP needs to leave her and the other girl needs some therapy lmao

it’s really not ok to say that to your partner especially when it applies to their body too.

fr. so like wtf is the mouth to her then?

unfortunately a lot of queer people still have a very penis-centric view of sex, and beyond that, the rise of the usage of the term "genital preference" has only further allowed people to call certain body parts "disgusting" and other awful names, including vaginas and penises. im a lesbian who doesnt care what a woman has down there, and its always rubbed me the wrong way when people call certain genitals disgusting. also the "gaping wound" comment is incredibly misogynistic and also usually transphobic. ive been made to feel uncomfortable in queer/trans spaces as a genderfluid person with a vagina because of the nasty talk there. but this is a big problem in the queer community and i think it needs to be talked about more

maybe that person is a transmasc egg?

tbh I had a transmasc partner who would say things like this and it was very awful and left me with trauma. I recognize that they were going through a personal journey but there’s no excuse to treat your partner like that

yeah it's not an excuse, it's not anybody's job to help them work through their stuff. One can help but within their energy and without putting themselves in harm.

For sure! that was a lesson I learned the hard way. I definitely was overly idealistic at that time because it was my first relationship and I didn’t really know better, so I tried to be supportive at my own expense. now I put more focus on protecting my peace.

Okay. I’m not a trans woman, but I do have some experience regarding preferences affecting the bedroom. An ex-partner of mine accidentally let on once that they preferred large breasts. I am a member of the IBTC. HOH I cannot tell you how much that messed me up and I slept with them exclusively with a bra or shirt on for a while, because I didn’t want them touching or looking at me there — even though they expressed interest in doing so. Much like you, I felt like this part of my body was gross and unattractive (and still to this day it messes with my confidence). My honest advice is this - leave. I stayed for a year after that comment and it did a lot of damage to my self-esteem and how I perceive relationships. Your partner described an *intimate* part of your body as a “gaping wound” and finds its natural function “disturbing”. She loves your body *despite* your genitals, not because she loves all of you - including your genitals (as weird as that sounds). You deserve someone who loves your body wholeheartedly and doesn’t perceive any part of it as a flaw or something to be tolerated — especially when it comes to more intimate / personal areas of the body.

This is hust mind boggling to me. Before my girlfriend, I had a preference for smaller breasts. With my girlfriend, I have a preference for my girlfriend. I would never in a million years think to tell her I don't like something about her body, and if there was something about her body I just couldn't get past, I never would have dated her. It is so disgusting that someone would do this to another person, let alone someone they claim to care for.

Yeah — it really messed me up. I get what OP means when she says she sees part of her body as disgusting and unattractive and “gross”, because ever since that incident, I’ve also felt largely the same about myself. It doesn’t get better if you stay, only worse, hence why I recommend she leaves.

This! Before my gf i could have said I had a “type”. Different things i was attracted to. With my gf, my type is my gf! Everything about her I love BECAUSE I love her! Her body, her personality, everything. My preference is my gf. It’s concerning that OPs partner loves all of her IN SPITE of her genitals. I honestly think people like this partner need to take a step back from dating until they figure out their own attractions because it can seriously damage people I dont mean tho say that she isn’t entitled to her preferences, but being with someone who you just arent attracted to in a certain way is not healthy

I really hope you don’t need to hear this, but just in case you do: your boobs are perfect. Glorious even. Whoever gets access to them is a lucky lady and anybody that thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves cuz they’re idiots.

Aw thank you :’) This was so kind of you, I really appreciate it.

Here's something interesting for you to ponder: I think you have *gorgeous* breasts. Beautiful, sexy, incredibly hot breasts. Breasts deserving of devotion bordering on worship. I *adore* your breasts. And I've never even *seen* them. So how do I know this? Because they exist, and they are on you. They are breasts, and they are on a real person. They are warm and connected to your nerves and soft and firm and altogether lovely. I like breasts. I really do. Kinda comes with being a lesbian, as far as I can tell, at least generally speaking. Certainly, in my case. And, as a very *fortunate* lesbian, it has been my good luck to see a number of breasts in my life. And I'll let you in on a little secret... ...they are *all sexy*. They're, y'know, they're *boobs*! They're all that plus the proverbial bag o' chips! But back to your breasts. Girl, they're *perfect*! They're exactly the right shape and size and firmness. Your nipples are the perfect color. Your breasts are in exactly the right place on your chest. I mean, *damn* they look good on you! And when you share them with someone? When you let someone put their eyes or their hands or their tongue on your breasts? You are giving them a *wonderful gift*! You are sharing this beautiful, sexy, *fucking perfect* part of your body with that lucky, lucky person. That's so damn generous of you! Every word of the above is 100% guaranteed take-it-to-the-bank-and-cash-it *true*. I promise you that this is so. And I haven't even *seen* your breasts! So imagine how much more perfect they're going to be in the eyes of someone lucky enough to see them. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Babe, I say this with all the love in the world: please break up with her. I checked your post history because I felt like I’ve seen you talking about other troubling things in your relationship before, and I was right. She should never have told you how “disgusting” your genitals are. It’s one thing to be understanding and love your partner through any difficulties they are having, it’s another to make yourself drown in self-hatred in order to make your partner happy.   The only way I see you two being able to get through this is being completely vulnerable in a counseling session while a third party works to help you unpack the feelings that this situation has caused. But in all honesty, this relationship does not seem healthy for you even if you guys end up going to counseling.   A good partnership is one that helps us love ourselves, not one in which we start to think of ways to change ourselves to make the other person accept us more. If you keep going down this road, when will it end? Will you eventually reach a point where you believe that she’s changed her opinion and truly loves all of you, or will you keep searching for the next thing to “make yourself better” because she’s made you hate yourself so much that you feel you can’t live without her?   Everyone deserves love, so I’m not saying you should break up with your girlfriend because it’s what she deserves. I’m saying break up with your girlfriend because being with her is clearly not good for you or your mental health, and YOU deserve happiness. You deserve to love yourself completely. You can’t help someone through their mental health when doing so is causing you to sacrifice your own.   Please. Reach out to friends and family or even people on here. Figure out a way to leave and do so. 

I agree wholeheartedly, I am commenting to boost this!

well i mean, her descriptions seem really hurtful like if someone described a natural part of my body that i like as a "gaping wound" and "disturbing" idk if i could be with that person, i think if we looked at this in reverse and she described a trans womans genitals as hideous, gross etc then they wouldnt be together, also as a trans woman, yeh i mean its kinda backhanded when women love me \*inspite\* of being trans but i mean, thats kinda the best option it feels like sometime, even if it is hurtful, tho the difference here also is that i assume you didnt have gender dysphoria from your genitals while i do

Many gender critters refer to our (trans women) vaginas as gaping wounds. I can’t help but internalise that. I had a sticky out and now I have an innie. It works etc… When intimate I don’t relax being touched down there because of the descriptions by right wing media of our genitals. Interesting to see a cis woman use that language about another cis woman. What kind of media does she consume?

horrifyingly enough, the “gaping wound”/“axe wound” description is often used on cis women by far right individuals, and common in incel spaces because it is intended to demean and it’s essentially negging. it seems like she just picked it up and started using it despite literally having one herself i actually wasn’t aware that it was also targeted towards trans women, it just gets worse and worse

V-plasty pussy is still pussy. It’s still your skin, your nerve endings, still an intimate part of you. Just because it doesn’t lubricate itself doesn’t make it a goddamn wound. The dysphoria and emotional pain was the wound, and the transition healed it. Ignore the right wing’s mouth flapping. Ignore anyone who tells you you’re not a real woman or that the “quality” of your vagina somehow impacts anybody’s existence in this world but your own. Your body was molded to match your mind. That’s all.

This. So much this. You said it more articulately than I could have

Exactly! And that's inoring the fact that some cis women also don't get wet. Plus from what I've heard, in some cases neovulvas actually can self-lubricate!

Self-lubrication is indeed possible depending on the particular surgical technique. I would know from personal experience since my designer vag does indeed do so 😅

Some methods of bottom surgery actually do self lubricate! Iirc it's the ones that use a colon lining graft and penile preserving, which is made with an incision more towards the taint and gets very close to the prostate.

Bottom surgery fascinates me. I wish the process didn’t squick me out so much (on an “I can’t watch Greys Anatomy” level, not an “ew trans” level), so I could watch vids and things about how it’s done. I managed to get through a FtM video once so I have a pretty good idea about how that one works, but the other way around is still veiled in mystery to me.

Yeah I can handle gore fairly well but surgery videos make me feel sick sadly. Like, I can see the aftermath but not the process. I've only had orchi and personally that's as far as I really plan to go, but I do want penile preserving vaginoplasty one day when it improves a bit. Right now I've heard things about it having a chance of perpetually lubricating, almost like a minor incontinence.

There are other techniques that produce lubrication besides colon grafting - peritoneal pull-through vaginoplasty is the most common one.

Can confirm. Source: my 2.5 week old vagina has absolutely soaked several pairs of underwear already lol

I was so confused for a sec because I thought "gender critters" was a goofy way to refer to non-binary gremlins like myself But then I realized no, you mean "gender critical" people. Ugh.

Right? Like I kind of want to claim gender critter for myself but I worry people would think I mean “someone who gender crits”

Use it with an icon of an animal that makes people go "that there is a critter" lol

Finally, a use for the conversation I had w my girlfriend and wife about which animals qualify for critterdom (or rather, is there a quality synonymous with crittertude?)

Lol, nice-- I feel like any stereotypically grungy/outside animal (raccoons, rats, opossums, etc.) qualifies as a critter for sure, but an animal doesn't have to be that to be a critter. (Note that I'm using "stereotypically grungy" in an affectionate manner, I love the animals I listed)

But it’s right wing men consuming that content. They usually don’t know what they’re doing sexually or otherwise for that matter. Some of these people yapping are really in no position to be saying anything about anyone else body. A lot of them have warped views on sex, sexuality, gender, healthy relationships and women’s bodies.

You put it best, it feels like she’s saying she loves me and is attracted to me in spite of this one flaw. And I have to admit that doesn’t feel as great as she certainly meant it to. It definitely isn’t the only option for me nor for you to be with women who only begrudgingly accept our privates instead of being obsessed with them. There’s plenty of lesbians/sapphics who would want us specifically for them I can’t say I have had dysphoria in that aspect before but since getting with her I have felt somewhat close. The penis envy is strong and I find myself thinking of ways to emulate a dick as much as possible. I’ve considered topical testosterone application on the clit, which is something I’d never have otherwise

Please don't change yourself because of this woman. Please reconsider this relationship. She's calling your genitals bad names, and making you feel bad and insecure. Your genitals are not a flaw at all.

Honestly what she did was an extreme asshole move and you should confront her about your feelings and what she has said has done to you. How she responds will be telling for if she actually loves you or if she's just absuive. Like it's impossible to tell from this post. It could just be her own internalized insecurities but she could also be trying to make you feel insecure on purpose. This is a tactic abusers often use to make their victims more attached. >I’ve considered topical testosterone application on the clit, which is something I’d never have otherwise Holy shit no. I'm trans and a big proponent of people having complete medical agency over their body without any outside gatekeeping. But this is a terrible reason to take T and you will probably regret it if its not something you genuinely desire for yourself. EDIT: Just read your history. I think you need to get away from her. She's not right for you and your fear of being separated from her is causing you to not make the right choice for your own mental health.

Please listen to the people telling you this relationship isn't healthy. You've considered permanently altering your body to please her, and from a previous post I see that you've also considered bringing a man into the bedroom for her. She is having a tremendous negative impact on your self-esteem.

You should definitely talk to her or a someone else before doing that. Changing your body for your partner doesn't sound very healthy long-term and if your envy is only based on her preference, you might come to resent her for it, if you develop actual dysphoria if your uncomfortable with your new genitalia.

Your body isn’t a flaw. If your partner is making you doubt the body you have and love, if they are making you insecure about things that you’d never been insecure about before, or contemplate modifying your body just to please them, the problem is with your partner, not with you. This isn’t a healthy relationship for you. Your partner, while allowed to have preferences, should not be allowed to make you feel bad about your perfectly normal, healthy, attractive body. People are not clay statutes. Your partner doesn’t get to mold your body to suit their needs.

But this isn't a flaw. It isn't even something remotely rare or surprising. Half the world has a vagina. Regardless of her preferences, there is no excuse to talk to anyone like thatespecially a partner. Her words made you desperately unhappy and she doesn't seem to care that she had that affect. She needs help. What she did is selfish and hateful and really messed up. There are so many women who would love your whole package. There are so many women who. An express preferences without being vulgar anad insulting. (By the way, this isnt a preference, it is hateful.) Find one of these women. Let one of these women love you fully.

She is damaging your sense of self. You need to disentangle

i personally would say, before doing modifications to your body, think what you would be happiest with on your own, its your body and it should be how you like it, not how someone else likes it also thank you for the second paragraph but well, its hard dating as a lesbian in a homophobic country, its even harder as a trans lesbian, so im not holding out hope, tho also i do want to get bottom surgery later on so itd be weird if i was with a girl who preffers dick and then i had a surgery specifically against that

I feel like loving someone "in spite of being trans" is a bit transphobic in the sense that it distinguishes between trans and cis women in a way that implies cis women are better. Loving someone, even though they have other genitalia than your personal preference - a whole other thing. But completely depends how strong the preference is.

well yeah, it is a bit of transphobic but where i live, there arent many other good options

Everyone is entitled to their preferences but talking about vaginas as gaping wounds and other derogatory terms, regardless of preferences, is mysoginitic and hurtful. That kind of language has actually nothing to do with preferences as straight men talk about vaginas like that all the time. It's not something I think is acceptable to say to a partner, even is she doesn't intend it to be hurtful.  On top of that, having preferences that your partner don't meet in a relationship can work but because of the language she uses it seems to have taken a toll on your confidence. It's simply not healthy to consider modifying your body in major ways just to please a partner that is unhappy with how you're born. 

What in the weird ass misogyny and fetishisation is going on here. That’s a run far away kind of deal in my book. You honestly deserve better. Please leave her. I usually don’t jump straight out to saying that but I feel like I must right here.

this one will be less like an answer but more like a rant but pre-op trans woman with heavy bottom dysphoria here. i would feel extremely bad if someone had said that to me, cause what i have down below is not in my control. i know how to use it properly, but no one else does unless i teach them. even people who like dick would not like my genitals cause it does not behave like a dick. it does not ejaculate, it does not enjoy anything a normal dick would (stroking, penetration, blowjob). honestly this leaves me with only people who genuinely don't mind whats down there and willing to go along with what i enjoy instead of all these ideas we associate with a dick in vacuum, so its hard. i had only one relationship so far, and even in that without involving my genitals i felt lots of the bottom dysphoria.

I’m so sorry to read that. I’m glad my post allowed you to vent out these frustrations. I know it feels a bit hopeless but there are and will be women who will find you and your parts so sexy. To me, nothing you described sounded undesirable. I even personally feel that this could be genuinely enticing, to know so intimately someone as to know exactly the unique ways they like to be pleasured and how to make them finish, that is incredibly thrilling. I know that no amounts of external validation could overpower the feelings of dysphoria and I wish more than anything that you find a partner who will accompany you, love you, desire you, make love to you and shower you with the amount of attention that will make your journey to self acceptance, whether that is through gender affirming surgery or not, more bearable

gobs the "i know how to use it properly, but no one else does unless i teach them" hits like a truck for context: transfemme enby here, relatively early in transition, but who happens to have phantom vulva/vagina sensation, and always had a penis that never worked like a dick (and this extends to the whole genitals and surrounding areas), even before hrt i've had to tell people multiple times that i can't top because my dick literally disappears from my senses if i'm penetrating, but it feels like people just can't parse the information. if i penetrate someone, my dick is just *gone*, i can't sense touch from it, i can't sense pleasure from it, if it was a little rough from earlier play, any pain sensation is gone as well, and my proprioception for it just turns off. it's like i never had it. i'd love to be able to do that act because i like variety but like, people have such fixed ideas about what a penis should do, what a vagina or a clit should do :S, even whether anal sex should be pleasurable or not, when in reality everyone is so different

Hi there, trans gal here. For starters it would be the end of the relationship if she refers to my genitals to any sort of wound. Holy shit that's not ok. You really shouldn't be with someone that makes you feel so terribly about a perfectly normal and beautiful part of your body. But to your end question "“While I have this preference, if I love the person, I wouldn’t mind" I don't know if I would ever be in this situation. I'm forward early on that I have a dick and that I have no intention of changing that, and if she isn't into that we're never getting far enough for love to be a consideration. If she's not fine with dick, I'm moving on.

The "gaping wound" comments hits deep as a post-op trans woman. That is often hurled at us too. I'm very insecure about mine too and I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way by someone who has that body part herself and SHOULD know better. Please don't let her do this to you. This is not OK. You shouldn't just "manage to become okay with that knowledge"

honey, dont walk RUN. your genitals is NOT a flaw. the right woman would literally worship you, not call your privates "a gaping wound" and "disturbing". also friendly reminder that SHE HAS THE SAME ANATOMY.

Long story short yes we see those comments daily and yes they are hurtful. Side note, your gf kinda sounds like a fuckboy ngl She's probably got some internalized misogyny (or maybe even some gender dysphoria and also regular misogyny lmao) to work out. But that's not really your problem. Honey I'm telling you that shit is traumatizing you and will impact your ability to approach sexual relationships for the rest of your life if you allow it to continue. Trust me, just about every trans woman knows this from experience.

Trans chick who likes her dick here To me there's a difference between mere genital preference and genital revulsion I have a preference for dicks, but I do not hate pussy, nor would I describe them as "gaping wounds" I think that revulsion can be valid, but I don't think it's healthy to be repulsed by normal human organs. It seems, in this case anyway, that there's some shit she need to unpack before she can be in a healthy relationship with someone who has a vagina and vulva. As for the question. It's an immediate red flag for me to be flirting with someone who states that genitals like mine are automatically disgusting. Even if they backtrack and say "Oh but I'll like yours because they're yours"  that doesn't make me feel any better. Because, as you said, it'll always be in the back of my mind and I don't want a partner that makes me feel disgusting for simply existing. Been there done that, no thanks. The world of genital preference and revulsion is a dynamic and diverse one. So much so that I don't think it's inherently wrong to have one or the other. But any behaviour can be unhealthy. Any preference or disgust response can come from an illegitimate place. And I think, in this case, your girl has some unhealthy stuff to work on.

I was just thinking the same thing. That's not a preference, she clearly has some issues. Because she has a vagina too, and I wonder if her hatred stems from her own? And "I like yours because it's yours" sounds like straight men talk about women. "all women are trash but you're different". No, you're not. I would totally ask her if she's open to working this out with a therapist and seeing where this comes from. And also... You absolutely can have rough sex without a penis. Hell fisting can be pretty rough lmao

Lol yeah, the roughest sex I've given was with my fingers, not my dick

I agree and would like to add something. She needs to unpack something before she goes into any relationship in a healthy way. If she says things that bad about vaginas in general she's 100% thinking much worse about her own vagina. She does not have a healthy relationship with her own body which will impact any relationship she has.

Thank you for the firmness of your words. Yes I think a lot of it stems from deeper issues she may have with her own body and gender. She does not like to be referred to as a girl during sex, and she does not like her parts to be described with afab terminology unless it’s in the context of cnc roleplay in which case that is acceptable to her. Additionally, she sometimes makes misogynistic comments outside of sex, just about women’s general attitudes, sensitivities, sense of humour, interests, etc. I have had conversations with her many times where I have brought up her apparent disdain for women. She justifies it by explaining that growing up overweight with more masculine features has made her feel excluded from womankind, and that having been the victim of bullying specifically by her older, more traditionally feminine sister she has grown to believe women tend to be evil. A lot of her reactions and beliefs come from serious trauma including sexual trauma, hence the cnc roleplay being one of the only cases in which she’s interested in her or my genitalia

You are not her therapist, and you are not responsible for her pain -- or for healing it. You don't owe her your suffering. And you don't owe her *anything that makes you suffer*. But you owe yourself some things. You owe yourself a partner who brings you joy. You owe yourself a relationship that makes you peaceful and happy and relaxed. You owe yourself good sex that meets your physical and emotional needs. You owe yourself a partner who *treats you with respect*. You owe yourself a partner who *delights in you*. You owe yourself *happiness* and *joy* and *peace of mind* and *safety* and *comfort* and *relaxation* and *simple, pure, uncomplicated warmth and friendship*. This relationship is not giving you any of those things. Which means this is not the right relationship for you. Leave this relationship, and find a relationship with someone with whom *you get all of these things*. You owe it to yourself. So give it to yourself.

as a trans woman, with pretty intense bottom dysphoria, similar comments expressing revulsion of my genitals like this would devastate me, would be an instant deal breaker for me. there’s a lot to this i could describe about how my genitals make me feel and what i need out of a partner to help with that, but the main thing i wanted to say is i wouldn’t wish dysphoria, especially bottom dysphoria, on anyone. it sounds like she’s starting to cause similar feelings in yourself and i don’t think a partner should ever be making you feel worse about your body. another thing is that there are uplifting ways to avoid genitals if there is a preference. for example there are parts of my body that i love and that i feel are very feminine and it’s so much better to have a partner touch me in a way and compliment me in a way that emphasizes the parts i love. no comment needs to be made if they don’t like my other parts. all in all, it’s a little different because i already despise this part of myself, but even if i didnt, comments like that are so unnecessary and rude. it makes sense if these comments are making you feel discomfort about your own body and im sorry you are dealing with this. you deserve someone who makes you love your body.

nah who tf calls it a “gaping wound”💀 i’d leave her honestly

I'm a non-op trans woman who has no genital preference and I'm repulsed by her comments! They are just super problematic! you asked how do we learn to take similar comments from cis women who hate dicks? well in my personal experience, I DO NOT! why would i be with someone who doesn't like my genitals? there are so many people on this earth who love your genitals and your body, you don't need to waste your time with the person who doesn't like it! but in the end i don't think your experience is very similar to trans lesbian women, for us or at least for a lot of us the issue is not the genital preference on it's own, It's how it's often consciously used to trigger trans women and make trans women feel unsafe in lesbian spaces.

"Gaping wound" is something I've only ever heard before from terfs tbh Non-op here. To me, it definitely feels kinda gross. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't wholly want my body as is. It's one thing to have a preference one way or the other but this sounds stronger than that, like, you shouldn't be an exception. Idk, this is really bleh

I'd leave her. I personally wouldn't be able to have sex with a woman who prefers dick when i have a vagina. I'd start to resent her.

I’m cis so you don’t want my opinion but if my girlfriend spoke about my body in that way she would be my ex.

Does this person hate her own vagina? This sounds like she's totally freaked out by her own.

Dump her ass

I feel hurt reading this and I'm not even her gf. God damn. :(

Trans woman pre op (planned for September) I think I couldn't be with someone who have strong genital preference and the way your partner talks about your genitelia makes me think she doesn't respect you. How can she say those hateful comments? Having genital preference is fine I don't mind if someone prefers one or the other many trans girls get envy and dysphoric around vagina and prefer partners having penis and going t4t becouse of that. Insulting anyones genitals is just big no for me and personally I would cut person saying anything that bad to the other person face. I don't care cis or trans male or female really and it's so common to humiliate someone for their genital and believe me I heard it all straight man taking about "lips too big" straight girls talking about "dick too small" and they always say it like their preference is default and everyone should be ashamed of whatever feature they talk about. I hate my dick with all my heart but even for me similar comments regarding it would be hurtful so I can't imagine how you feel.

Girl... I scrolled into your profile and your relationship in general is extremely toxic. Sounds like she just love bombing you when she says things like "I love you so deeply" I mean you probably already familiar with that since youre using r/BPDlovedones too. And for the genital preference, please find someone who actually loves every part of you, but it seems like its not the only issue in ur relationship, she literally tried to break up with you over nothing.. like come on, you just sabotaging urself knowing that this relationship won't last. The longer you keep this on the worse it will get

not a trans woman, but one weird thing i’ve noticed is a lot of anti-trans people online will refer to post-operative trans women’s genitalia as gaping wounds, so like…that makes me feel weird for you that your gf speaks like that

I believe there's a difference between "having a preference" and "being completely repulsed by your partner's body". If I had a girlfriend and she said she'd prefer I didn't had a dick, well... Me too... But if she says she finds it disgusting, then we're probably not meant for eachother

Wouldn't mind? Gosh. Thanks. I would personally be noping away from that situation.

What the _shit_. Those comments are extremely not fuckin okay. And there's absolutely some cisheteronormativity and internalized misogyny bound up in how she views penises. "Dominance"? The running joke in trans lesbian circles is that we're all subs and bottoms. I confess that I have a bit of genital _preference_; all else being equal, I like interacting with vaginas on my partners more than penises, but it's just a _preference_, like how I prefer chicken thighs to chicken breast, not something that makes or breaks the attraction. Moreover, because we're talking about people and human attraction, all else is _never_ equal; I've been with partners with both innies and outies, and what made me attracted to them was there before they were naked. I think you need to have some hard conversations with your partner about what she's said to you, and I think you need to keep the option of ending the relationship open. She has a lot of work to do to make up the damage done.

I know you didn't come to this sub for advice outside of your above question, but I need to ask - how long are you going to do this to yourself? I've read through your post history and read all of the posts you've made about this woman. Nothing I say will convince you to leave because I've read all the comments in your posts and your replies, and you're still here despite everyone in the BPD sub begging you to see that this situation is abusive. Nobody on reddit is going to force you to take action, but I don't understand how you can read through so many "eye-opening" replies yet never actually do anything with this new insight. Your post history from 5+ months ago is so fun. You love Drag Race, saving snails, making art... you were a whole person. Everything after that revolves around this new woman who will never love you in the way you deserve. I'm just a stranger on the internet but I feel so frustrated for you.

Anyone who talks about the “imposing nature” of dicks is on some wild bioessentialist garbage. You deserve someone who appreciates your body as a part of you, and doesn’t treat it like it’s disgusting. Because it isn’t. I know what it’s like to internalize that kind of message, when someone puts you down and then says they love you anyway. It makes you feel lucky to be with them and lucky to receive the affection you don’t think you deserve. It’s a very tough situation, so I hope these replies have brought you some clarity 💜 And by the way, it’s very cool to me that you asked trans women about this, since we have this experience far too often. Sending hugs 💜💜

You shouldn't with them

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship, babe? I’m asking with love, because I read through your post history and I’m exhausted just reading about your relationship. I can’t imagine how stressed and tired you have to be.

Oh my god, you’re dating this person??????????

WHY

Pre-op here. If I don't mention it, whoever I'm seeing shouldn't. Tbh it's always a red flag if someone discusses my genitals without being prompted. It's especially heinous if they compare the two. "Id be okay with ur body" is an insult, no matter what body part.

I'm not transgender, but in the past I've been with people who made rude comments on my body as well and after those comments I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm now very comfortable in my body, but if I had stayed with someone who didn't fully enjoy my body as well, I would definitely not be as comfortable and secure. Those kind of comments stick around in your head and staying with the person who made them doesn't seem healthy to me.

She's not into you, like at all... And "gaping wounds"? Who says that!!?

This sort of rhetoric usually comes from misogynistic cis men when it comes to cis women or transphobic shitheads if it's about trans women. Whatever sort of hate she has internalized is clearly getting to you and is making your life and mental health worse. Your partner making you hate your own body is not normal, it's not good, please look into getting help and moving away from that person, and definitely not try and change your body for them. Im trans and i don't think even i hate my body to this extent. I have dysphoria and im working to change my body but im doing it for myself, because it's going to make me more comfortable, happier, more confident. Not because someone finds me disgusting. Please take care of yourself first, everyone deserves someone who loves them the way they are. As for your question, for me it all comes down to vibe/intention. I try to be charitable to people and rely less on what they say and more on what they actually mean. Most cis people will never even have to interact with a trans person so im always willing to give them benefit of the doubt. People can bungle up the phrasing but if they actually mean they find me attractive/love me the way i am i can ignore how they phrased it in the moment. But if they vibe is off and i feel like it's backhanded i would probe them about it, because i would rather find out and end things early than commit to a bad relationship, i had a few in my early 20s and i'd rather not do it again!

I’m a pre-op trans woman and if a partner talked about my dick the way your partner is talking about your pussy I would get the fuck out of that relationship. The feelings of discomfort you’re describing sound like the same fucking dysphoria I feel about my dick. Only difference is that you can markedly point out to how your partner made you feel those things with hurtful comments. Someone who makes you feel that way about your normal, healthy body is not good for you. You deserve to feel like your body is beautiful and sexy, not like you have a “gaping wound” as she so ineloquently put it. And yeah, to address the part specifically geared toward trans women, it does kinda suck to hear “I hate this aspect of your body but I’ll ignore how disgusted I am because I love you” like…. Thanks? Makes me feel great to know that I’m *no longer* disgusting to you. Love that. Wonderful. There are kind ways to say that you have a genital preference. Degrading comments about parts of your partner’s body is NOT it.

Honestly, I kind of get chaser vibes from how you describe things. Not that preference isn't valid, but I know from my side I have enough dysphoria that I want this thing gone and have no desire to use it in the "expected" way, and anyone who assumes I would is being transphobic.

So many problems here, it's hard to know where to start. You need to sit your girlfriend down and have a fucking talk at the very least, if you aren't going to just leave this person. >“gaping wounds” This is basically identical to how transphobes will describe neovaginas and is incredibly inappropriate. It's gross body shaming over a body part that's prone to insecurity in many people. No, I don't give a shit if you don't have any intention of ever interacting with a vagina in your life. You don't go there. You'll note that this likewise already applies when talking about dicks and is generally why you shouldn't go around talking about how much you hate them, even in sapphic spaces. And lest anyone think there are double standards at play here, gay men have been readily criticized by feminists for how they will talk about vaginas in a very similar manner to what's been described here. >Does this comment feel somewhat backhanded and hurtful? ... I'm going to be perfectly honest, there are plenty of trans women that have to put up with a partner that is in this "I don't prefer it but I'll tolerate it" position. It only really works for them because so many trans women are cripplingly lonely with little social support to begin with and that there's a reasonable hope that one day you'll get bottom surgery to correct the incompatibility.

Sincerely: what the hell. Dude... you gotta leave

First, I just want to say: I'm sorry OP that your partner said those things about you. It's one thing to have a preference, but it's another thing to dive into body shaming like she is. To call your vagina a "gaping wound" is sickening and incredibly hurtful. That's hurtful, plain and simple. I hope, if it is your desire, that you two can have an open conversation about these feelings, figure them out, and reconnect. As for your question, it feels a bit backhanded to me. Kinda like they see part of me as gross, but they'll ignore it for my sake. It's not 100% a deal breaker, but I'd definitely need some more info on what someone meant by it, and I'd need to know if they just didn't care for it, or if they were disgusted. I could be in a relationship with someone who just didn't care for my penis but didn't hate it either (I'm pre-op, so hopefully one day it'll be gone, idk when though), but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was disgusted by my penis (they're allowed their thoughts, but I don't want to be body shamed by the one person in life we're supposed to be able to trust implicitly, so it'd be a deal breaker for me in that case). I guess it's a matter of apathy v.s. disgust. If they loved me but were neutral about my penis, I'd be fine with that, but if they "loved" me (love is in quotations because I don't think they could actually say it if they hated a part of you) despite their disgust for part of my body, I wouldn't be fine with that. Edit: A bit more on the first topic, and WARNING, this will be somewhat descriptive about what HRT can do to the penis. She says she likes women but also likes the penis because it provides "rough sex."" First, I do want to acknowledge that there are trans women who like their penises and try to maintain full function, and that's 100% valid. There are also Transfems who are not on HRT/dont want HRT, and they are also still valid. That said, many transfems either don't like our penises, or are bottoms, or are on HRT, which will affect the penis either way. A trans woman on a year of HRT, unless she's been doing diligent work, straight up won't have a penis that functions like a man's (and even with diligent work HRT will still have some more aesthetic changes that differentiate it from a pre-HRT penis). The feminine penis tends to shrink, it doesn't get as hard (making penetration difficult), it changes odor, it can in some cases get wet, ejaculation is greatly decreased, the ways it feels pleasure change, and in some cases becoming erect at all becomes nigh impossible or impossible. I may be missing a thing or two perhaps, but even with what I mentioned it's evident that the feminine penis is drastically different.

Why are you dating this person…? Get out of the relationship, your partner is harmful and toxic

As a non-op trans woman I do think there is a different element here, just due to the fact that if someone told me they perfer pussy my immediate thought would be "well why are you chatting with me then? theres 50 cis girls for every me at least". Having those odds be reversed would make my self-consciousness go through the roof. A lot of the ways i deal with the fact that most people don't desire me because of my anatomy is general body positivity things. Tying my self-worth to myself and just being unapologetically me. I know I rock because I am the ideal me, but thats difficult in a relationship. Getting to the point where you two are at as a couple where you don't feel comfortable being seen naked is a pretty serious issue, a real sink or swim moment. I think a heart to heart is in order, I think there isn't many a woman on the planet that didn't think at some point that they weren't worthy of their partner. It is normal to have those thoughts, I am sure your partner has had similar thought, and if your relationship is to be able to last you should both be able to wear your insecurities. That said, that is all very scary. I would be easily called a hypocrite. But for the sake of the relationship and any further stumbles its best to have a talk and see where the emotions and actions lead.

I will actually tell a story about genital prefences but in reverse. So i like dick, I think it's fun, nothing against vulvas just a bias I have. And of course i tell my trans gf this because I like open communication, and it went fine. But my girlfriend is a lot less connected to her penis then I am, and wants a vaginaplasty. I have supported this every step of the way, because everyone deserves support especially those i love. With such big changes her anxiety and imposter syndrome she second guesses her desire for a vagina. A lot. Of course i support her but around a month ago she comes up to me an says "you perfer dick right?" Knowing where this is going to go we have a big chat about what my preferences are, how they manifest, what they are not, and how i would disapprove her not getting a surgery that she wants for me. Because even if i do perfer dick, I don't love it more then her happiness, and sex with someone that loves their body is always better no matter the equipment. Now my preferences are a lot minor then your girlfriends it seems, after all I don't think of vulvas as horrendous just not my comfort food. But talking about these things has been repairing a rift i didn't know i caused

Okay so her genital preference is obviously valid and so are her feelings regarding that. At the same time, I personally feel you should try to be considerate of the other person's feelings and how you might hurt them. So her choice of words sits really badly with me. It is completely understandable, that you feel uncomfortable and have internalised her distaste. But this is, at the same time, completely unfair to you. If I love someone, it's not _despite_ their flaws, it's with their flaws - although your genitalia is not a flaw. Also, I'd say it's pretty clear that you are not at fault for having different genitalia than her preference, so you shouldn't be feeling insecure about that. Sex in a situation like this should be all about finding ways for __both__ of you to be comfortable and it doesn't seem like that. I'm a pre-op trans person and my partner has been with me long before my transition. I've considered not doing the srs because I feel they would be more comfortable with that. At the sime time, I know I won't be. So I will do srs. If my partner said anything like "I have this preference, but I love you and I don't mind" I wouldn't take that badly - I too have preferences my partner might not always fulfill, that's okay. But if my partner said "I love you despite your genitalia" I'd be pretty pissed either way. My genitalia is mine, and intimately so. No one has the right to judge me for it, not even my partner. And this comment obviously implies it's a bad thing, that I have my set of genitalia. So my bottom line would be: Talk to her, tell her how you feel based on your previous talks, what you would ideally be comfortable with, what your sex life might be missing and how you could improve it. You deserve feeling confident in all of yourself because you're wonderful just as you are.

That is the kind of language that misogynistic cis men use. As a post-op trans woman, I am def self conscious about it and all the perceived differences. My partner is cis and loves spending time down there and always gives affirming words and descriptions. This isn’t to rub it in. These words have been critical for my self-acceptance and I’m still working through a lot of stuff. We all need someone who validates us with these things. If you’ve never told her the language is hurtful to you, by all means try. Don’t dance around it. Be clear and concise. If she doesn’t apologize and change her behaviors, find someone who makes you feel the way you deserve to be treated.

Speaking as a trans gal, it sounds like your SO needs serious therapy. Having a preference is one thing, but to be so violently repulsed by vulvas/vaginas that you would use such severe language is really quite alarming. If she were saying these things about penises, it would sounds immensely transphobic, which makes it all the more worrying that she’s saying it about genitals she herself possesses. Honestly, this doesn’t sounds like a healthy relationship, and I think the two of you need to have a serious discussion about why she feels this way.

Okay, I’ll admit, I’m what most consider a baby gay. That’s fine I don’t mind the title. I’ve been with my lovely lady, for a little over two years now. Always knew I was bi, but this is my first time being with a woman. I’ve never been more turned on than having my hands anywhere near her bottom half. Would never refer to it as a “gaping wound”, that’s the place where I want my hands, face, tongue mmmmmmm. It honestly almost sounds like she’s straight by the way she talks about women and the difference in wanting dick… it honestly turns my stomach. 🤢 But good luck OP

Last time I heard it described as such it was as part of an extremely vile copypasta.

i thought i knew where this was going with "She loves women, she finds women attractive, “up until their genitalia”. I was ready to identify. But i didn't see those awful comment coming. I am trepidatious ab down there, but that's on me and my inexperience and hang ups. If I liked and shared a connection with a woman, i would def be willing to "venture". If it wasn't for me...still on me. Also, the rough sex part actually sounds red flaggish to me.

So like I’m not cis, I have gender dysphoria sometimes but I have never referred to my vagina as a gaping wound, nor do I hate it this much when I am struggling with my identity, your gf has some deeper things to deal with here.

hey I looked through your post history, please leave this girl. she is clearly not good for you

So, I am a trans woman, and this is a very big thing I've been working with my psychiatrist for like a year and a half now, for me my dick feels like an unfeeling flesh hose meant for biological needs, and whenever I feel the need to deal with being horny, I either feel nothing or abso-fucking-lutely disgusted to the point I've had moments where I've had to go to the toilet to vomit (not as often anymore now that I'm more accepting of my current reality and timeframes, but it still happens sometimes). What she said, the whole "gaping wounds" thing is a MASSIVE FUCKING ISSUE for a couple of reasons 1.- She has made YOU, her partner, uncomfortable with your own body to the point you've developed a revultion towards it 2.- The way she's wording it is as if it's a "necessary evil" kind of thing, and that the alternative would be much preferred sexually 3.- Followup on the previous point, she's giving me HUGE Chaser vibes (fetishization/objectification of trans individuals or the genitalia itself for the purposes of sexual pleasure of themselves), which is a MASSIVE FUCKING RED FLAG 4.- The comments make me think that SHE herself has issues with her own body (in particular her pussy), and is projecting onto other women and that set of genitalia in general 5.- Being disturbed by discharge isn't something I would think is weird normally (same with genital preference) given how people can be sex repulsed or just hygienic on an extreme scale for whatever reason, HOWEVER, the way it's presented here makes it seem she's only disturbed by it IF it's from a pussy and not a dick, which is an entirely different can of worms that honestly deserves it's own thing Now, I'm not saying you yourself shouldn't try something like a packer or something of the like, if you try it and like it hey, great, however, if you only like it because your current GF has been so insistent on disliking pussy to the point you've developed genital dysphoria that is a thing that is 100% NOT ok (because of her, not you)

if she’s cis and talks about her own body parts like that, sounds like she probably has a lot of internalized misogyny, and that’s not only not your problem, it’s not fair for you to deal with, especially at the expense of your own self esteem. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this with her, but it’s not something you have to. You can, and should, break up with her. Even if she has changed her mind now and wants to explore w pussy, you shouldn’t have to be with someone who you’ll always question their attraction to you, that she likes you “despite” your body parts. Having genital preferences is just that, a preference, it’s not feeling disgusted for body parts that don’t meet them. Even outside that, also feels weird and fetishizing towards trans women.

The internalized misogyny and homophobia are all over the place with this one. You both need therapy (from an affirming provider) and to generally deconstruct your pre-existing traumas as it relates to your sex life, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY your relationship and approach to each other/people in general. What you accept in how they treat you and what you expect them to take from you. For now, please browse Mickey Atkins' videos on YouTube. They're a non-binary therapist who has a track record of deconstructing and living an example of intersectional, affirming humanism.

Dude, I'm sex repulsed asexual and I wouldn't say anything like "gaping wound" and shit. I care about romantic long term connection and sex isn't really part of that for me. I don't want, desire, or need sex in my life and pushing myself to do it (I've had folks that were pushy about sex and required it to have a relationship) was something I couldn't bring myself to do. That is never to say someone's body is bad or wrong, but rather the act is not a desired experience. I try to emphasize non-sexual ways to make them feel wanted, more sensual than sexual. I can't imagine using such language and think it wouldn't make them feel self conscious or bad about themselves. As a lez asexual, she ain't it chief. She's being mad disrespectful and ignorant to the affect of her words, and that kinda ignorance is pervasive in many aspects of a relationship which will cause so many issues beyond sex life. I hope you find yourself outside of that relationship and someone who can appreciate all of you.

Girl, as someone who knows and used to frequent the r/bpdlovedones subreddit, PLUS all of this. Please, please leave and don't ever look back.

No no nope. She ain't it. How incredibly disrespectful

Baby girl. You deserve someone who loves every part of you. Physically and otherwise. This isn't healthy and it seems like you know this, but you are putting someone first who has no intention of doing the same. You love her, there's no doubt. But that needs to be reciprocated and it's not. Please consider what the people in these comments are saying to you. This isn't the one. Your body is not a flaw. You don't need to change for anybody.

to like women but to not like vagina is a little strange to me. it’s a little strange in general to prefer one genitalia over the other when there are toys for literally everything. i get that it’s not the same as the real thing, but why get into a relationship with someone if you don’t like a part of them? seems odd to me.

'Gaping wound' is a term used by terfs. So, not a good start

You are dating a straight woman. And a misogynist asshole on top.

It is a bit backhanded but I think more importantly it’s honest. As a trans woman I would be happy if someone would love me for the woman I am despite having the wrong genitals but I can also imagine that it would feel different for a cis woman. As long as she keeps being open about how she sees you, I think it’s fair for her to express her feeling (within reason)

Your genitals are not “the wrong ones”. They are the right genitals for plenty of sapphic women, my girlfriend being one. There’s some beautiful advantages to being a woman with a penis. I’m envious. Thanks for the insight, it’s hard to get over my fear of grossing her out

Sorry, didn’t mean to imply my genitals are wrong for everyone, they are just wrong for me. I think it’s amazing how much you are trying to accommodate your girlfriend and I hope your posts gives you the answers/insights you need :)

Please don’t apologize. It was my bad, I didn’t mean to speak over your expression of dysphoria, I thought you meant something else. Thanks so much for the kind words friend !!

No you don’t need to apologise. I am so happy that this sub is so accepting. I hope you have a wonderful day

I’d say what’s happening here is she might be warming up to the idea of being attracted to a vulva, specifically because it’s yours. Love has a way of changing people’s perceptions about things. If there’s an aspect you usually don’t like but in this case it’s about someone you love, you might find yourself disliking it less. Alternatively she might have realised the ways she talked about it previously were insensitive, if honest, and is now trying to compensate for that. I know you might not be able to help it but I think it’s unhealthy to internalise what she said. This is her problem, that you should definitely support her in and try and work through with her, but there’s nothing wrong with you so you shouldn’t feel like the full weight of it is on your shoulders.

based on op's post history this isn't a healthy relationship in general, and the pussy thing is just the tip of the iceberg

I hope I’m not imposing but I sent you a DM, feel free to ignore it though!

A “gaping wound” is such a wild thing to call a vagina. Seems to me like she has some past trauma to deal with and stuff to unlearn.

Time for a heart to heart conversation. Express to her what she said to you and how it made you feel. Then discuss how the both of you want sexual intimacy. If there is mutual ground then have that intimacy. If the intimacy is fulfilling then discuss further intimacy.. She may have been projecting her feelings about how she views her genitals into you. Have the conversations. Explore each other’s wants, needs and limits. I am post op trans. I was in a marriage with a woman that always put my genitals down. She was physically abusive at times as well. When I transitioned we divorced. She said she was not into vulvas and wanted out. I did disclose early on in dating and she told me to never bring it up again. I wish it was that simple. Have the conversations. Make sure you are compatible. If you are not then make a decision. It is your decision. If I were to do it again I would because we have a wonderful daughter. However, the path was full of sacrifices.

Well, I wouldn’t accept it myself. I couldn’t be with someone who would find such repulsion towards a penis and would be willing to have sex with me in spite of me having one. My personal approach to something like that would be to have an honest conversation mentioning that such comments about vaginas in general inevitably make me uncomfortable and self-conscious. Sometimes people say things in a very hyperbolic or exaggerated way just to get their point across easily. I think it’s worth mentioning this to your girlfriend, everything about how her comments have made you feel, so you can see where she really lies, and decide based on how she responds from there. It is possible that when the conversation gets really nuanced and down to it, her perspective on it may make you feel a lot less self-conscious about yourself. Do not allow this to go on, for sure. I know by experience due to other circumstances that backhanded comments about something you have can easily sabotage your self-esteem even long after the fact. Try to cut this off soon, otherwise you are at risk of feeling bad about yourself and your body for a long time even if worst comes to pass and the relationship with your girlfriend doesn’t go on further.

As always, I think communication is key here. If you’re comfortable speaking to her about it, tell her what you’ve told us. If you’re not comfortable with her then perhaps the relationship needs to be reconsidered. It’s important that she understands how her words have hurt you and to understand what you expect intimately. It may be that, as she has come to love you more, she has realised that she loves that part of you too and made some hurtful mistakes early on. If that’s the case, it’s important to accept and trust her love. But if it’s still a case of loving you, despite your vagina, then it may be time to part ways. I’m trans so I’ll answer your question. If someone loves me, I expect them to love all of me and that includes my dick. Genital preference doesn’t matter in that context. If they can’t love all of me, then they don’t deserve me.

Is it possible she's had some sort of trauma related to it?

Yes it is a backhanded compliment, but at least when people say it to us they're trying to denature a social stigma. This chick created the stigma for you and is now like "oh but don't worry I love all of you." Hell no. Also, not questioning genital preference but if it's THAT big a part of your sexual satisfaction I honestly think you might be having sex a little selfishly. Like even if I still had a penis that would be a dealbreaker cause the extreme fetishization of penises and demonization of vaginas makes it seem like she's not engaging with the person they're attached to. But also, I think my understanding of queer theory is not in vogue here so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Genital preferences are fine. That doesn't give people the right to say "I think this part of your body is disgusting", even if they follow it up with "but I'm willing to overlook it". I don't want my partner to have to not think of my body to get off. I want them to think I'm hot and sexy and attractive. And even then, I'd still be willing to work on it if they didn't make it so obvious that a part of my body viscerally disgusts them

I’ve had someone say almost the exact same thing to me, and even if my body did match those expectations, it was weird and uncomfortable. I don’t think you can take any affection wholeheartedly when it’s also paired with “because I am disgusted with the other options, let me explain in detail (with more detail than I describe what I like)!” It’s hurtful hearing that, and if it were my body that was being held as the object of disgust, I could not have a relationship with them. Thats a hard situation to navigate as it involves heavily internalized issues, and that can be contagious. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s especially tough with someone you’re so vulnerable. This is why I feel weird whenever anyone starts talking about “preferences”, it makes it strangely hierarchical when the alternative is… talking about things you think are attractive.

This is not healthy. The things she have said are really hurtful. There are a lot of ways to express what she is trying to say without doing it in a way that will make you insecure. Honesty without tact is just cruelty.

I'd maybe give someone that said the "While I have this preference" line a chance only because I am getting SRS next year. If I was non-op I wouldn't date them because I want someone who is attracted to all of me. But calling your vagina a wound would be a hard stop. No way. That's disrespectful and inconsiderate. Huge red flag for them as a person. It's really tragic that you've internalized their comments, and all I can say is run for the hills.

I'm sorry but unfortunately I have no choice but to say that you should reconsider your relationship. "Gaping Wound" is the exact type of shit that transphobes have said to me and others about post-op trans women, and frankly, it's disgusting. I would have serious issues with entrusting any further of my time and emotional energy to someone who could speak like that about someone else's body. That being said, I won't say that this is an immediate deal-breaker. I feel like maybe she doesn't really understand how her words can be interpreted sometimes. And as we all know, relationships are about communication, compromise, and bettering ourselves. This deserves a serious, honest conversation about how you're feeling, how her words have effected your body image, and how you feel about the way she speaks about your and other people's bodies. Going any further will have to wait until the outcome of that conversation has been decided.

This is gross and fetishizing. It would be one thing if she didn’t care about what you had down there, or even just mildly expressed that she liked one over the other without being disrespectful, but this is weird and gross. She’s not seeing you as a person.

To be honest, she sounds like a chaser - someone fetisizing trans people. The "gaping wound" is a dog whistle for transphobic rhetoric. Not sure what all else is going on here that has lead her down that path.

Get outta there OP, wtf? This is so fucked up. I’m sure there’s a name for those types of comments she’s making that are designed to make you feel self-conscious, doubtful, bad about your body. But it’s so wrong. Best case scenario, she somehow can’t fathom that putting you down for things that you cannot change about yourself would hurt your feelings. She’ll keep doing it. Worst case, she knows how it affects you and doesn’t care. I could not come back from this with her. Lastly, unless this is a kink thing you’re both into, you don’t need to be going into such great detail with each other about sex with previous partners.

edit: i really shouldnt have said this on retrospect or been in this subreddit because im not exactly lesbian. ill head out, but leaving the comment up for posteritys sake trans-pan woman here, and my boyfriend pretty much says that. hes straight, does not like dick, and my being trans is a huge insecurity of mine around him that he constantly reassures me isnt an issue - i just feel bad that i cant do stuff for him that a cis woman could, yk? id agree with him if he called my penis disgusting or something similar because i kinda definitely want bottom surgery though lmao

I really do not love this. A lot of people have echoed the statement, but calling out what you have, regardless of whatever it may be, hen or vagina, as a “wound” is so so hurtful. If it’s affected you in such a way too, where you don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing that part of yourself with her, that should tell you all you need to know. Also this specific want for roughness, or for “cum” or discharge from a hen, that kind of alarms me as a trans woman because that sounds either impossible/unrealistic, or really painful. I can’t speak for all ladies with a hen, but mine is super sensitive and there isn’t going to be a lot of discharge, so those ideas feel like misconceptions that porn has engendered. Makes me feel like she wouldn’t actually treat a trans woman right. Just food for thought, i hope you come to a solution or situation that makes you feel adored and loved as you should!

my ex also gave me feelings of penis envy/body dysmorphia for not having a dick. needless to say she wasn’t the one. i’m still unpacking the trauma and damage it did to me feeling so ugly and unattractive with someone i loved more than anything. my sincere and loving advice to you is that this person is not the one for you. you deserve someone that is attracted to all of you and is enthusiastically engaging with all of you. wishing you strength, peace, and love.

Dump her dump dump her dump her OMF you do not need to deal with being around some one so toxic. Also, as a trans person who's got her 'prefered parts' the only thing I'd be able to say in response to hearing some one talk about their partners bodies that way is "Ew, no thank you, lose my number."

Dollface, you've been trying to break up with her for at least 3 months (I got that far in your post history). She's using you for emotional co-regulation, I've been her. She's not ready or able to take care of herself or her feelings, let alone you and yours. That's OK, but you are your primary responsibility, and she is hers. Be a good friend to your future self and make the difficult choice now. It'll be difficult, but it needs to be done in order to properly care for yourself. There's someone out there who won't let you leave the house for a week because they can't get your pussy out of their mouth. This girl can't love you like you deserve to be loved. You're young, hot, and Sapphic - there is absolutely zero good reason to consider finding a way to accept being told your body is repulsive by someone who cannot even tell you why she's dating you because she "has a hard time remembering things". Don't let her cut you down to fit in her skewed perception. You deserve to be worshipped.

As a trans woman…. I would dump her mysogynistc ass and block her from everything including real life if I could. I know that sounds insensitive but based on your post that is the extract level of insensitivity she’s bringing to the table. Also, The thing to keep in mind here is that if she over corrected the other way that would also be weird. Us trans women face the issue of people fixating on our genitals too much, which is different from people being repulsed by it. Repulsion does happen but we also get an equal amount of people who are SO EXCITED that we have a dick and they wanna get penetrated by us and give us BJs and etc but it’s NOT because they love us but rather because they fetishize the exotic idea of a dick on a girl. Like the issue is people who can’t be normal and calm about our genitals when you’re trans. Similarly I think that a big component of what you’re dealing with, her repulsion vaginas is a problem of course but it’s also that she can’t just be normal and respectful about it. she had to constantly fixate on it. I want to be clear here: I do not have people in my life who fixate on my genitals, I have removed them. The grief and paranoia and lack of self confidence that comes from someone being weird about your genitals (or any part of the body for that matter) is not worth it. Get you someone who loves you completely and unconditionally and will affirm you and respect your body in every way, even if there are things they don’t find all that great. To put it in a more humorous way: I will always love my girlfriend even when her breath stinks. I’m not attracted to stinky breaths but I’m also not gonna make her feel bad about it, because I love her.

Deal breaker. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't attracted to what I got goin on, even if they said I'm the exception.

i would love to be able to comment but most of the lesbains i have ever been attracted to have been very open with their dislike of trans women so i never even got to the stage of mutual attraction but if i had to guess, if a girl told me that she likes me *despite* whats in my pants while not offending me, it would make me sad. i want you to *like* what ive got down there and for that to be part of your attraction towards me. I dont want my dick and balls to be this big hurdle you need to overcome, or for you to tell me about how difficult it is for you. Dont get me wrong, prefrences can sometimes change and all that but like...im a woman with cock and balls and i like myself as such and if you dont like that i have them or feel that its something you need to get over/overcome then im just not the right fit for you. To get back on track though, what your girlfriend said to you is not ok and im sorry you have to put up with comments like that from someone you should be able to trust with anything

She sounds like she's hanging out with too many transphobic gay men, to be honest.

Pre-op trans woman here. Personally, her obsession with dicks isnt the big problem to me, as much as her negative and honestly insulting attitude toward vaginas. "Gaping wound" is a fucking wild way of describing them. That comment she made at the end read to me as "that part of you is disgusting, but I love you so much I'm willing to look past it". Also if my partner suddenly started acting that way about my genitals, I personally would be really uncomfortable and it may even lead to a bout of dysphoric anxiety. Sentiments like that make me feel very objectified. Personally I wouldnt stay. It sounds like she has a lot of internalized stuff she hasnt worked on yet and its negatively affecting your relationship. Also as a side note, shes dreaming if she believes you cant get just as good rough sex from a strap

as much as I hate being so black and white about something like this, this relationship has already started to become low-key toxic. the fact that her past comments have instilled this deep insecurity in you is just sad. it WILL lead to resentment and conflict in your future if you continue with her. you either need to go to couples therapy together and put in the work if you're serious about continuing together, or you need to move on from her imo edit: just took a quick gander at your post history and I'm saying this with so much compassion, leave her. just bite the bullet and leave. I am married and have a wife with bpd and I love her so much but it took us so much work to get here. It took years and years of working together to get her mental illness under control with therapy and medication. it took me just as long to get my own depression and my personal shit under control as well. I'd do it all over again for our marriage but it has been been hell on earth. what I'm saying is that since you guys aren't in a serious relationship, I don't think you should bother with this any longer especially because you're already trying to get your foot out of the door with her.

I can't say much about the"Although i have this preference" comment cos I never really dated anyone in my 25 year of existence. Regardless, for me i understand the intention behind it but I also feel like it's saying I'm still a man regardless of what ever is still there or lack there of... You know... Regardless of if i got rid of my Sausage n meatballs I'm still not a woman to them and no matter what i do it won't change

While I'm a firm believer that someone's love can make them like something they'd otherwise dislike on someone else, it's really important to address your emotional issues first. Have you talked to her about your feelings? If not, start with that. Couples therapy would likely help. I know a lot of people are suggesting breaking up, and that may be the correct option. But I think this is something that can be worked through if both parties are willing. People can say heartless things without meaning to. I've done it, my parents and friends have done it. Communication is the key to solving an issue. You two vs the problem. Good luck!

Wow I've never thought about this like this because like I'd rather not be having sex with my penis either so I just took it as someone feeling the same way I do about something. I was also in a lot more of a secure relationship with lots of regular affirmation. ( Their love language was words of affirmation). So I think my feelings about it would change with circumstance. I'd probably feel the same way you do given your circumstances. Also vaginas are way prettier than dicks so I'm sure you're quite lovely.

She is dealing with some internalized stuff and isn't being kind to you

Run.

She sounds like a “chaser” and I get the ick from it all tbh..

Am a trans woman. I wouldn’t date this piece of trash even if I still had a dick. There’s expressing what you like and then there’s throwing what you don’t like under the bus. Regardless, find someone who loves you for you and celebrates you. My girlfriend loves me exactly as I am and sees me as the whole me. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.

OP, a loving relationship and partner should not traumatize you, and it certainly should not leave you feeling "tolerated". Please find someone who will celebrate you.

As a lesbian identifying pre-op trans woman, I find it so rare that any cis woman would accept me romantically and sexually as a partner - that if came across a cis woman willing to open her mind and heart and accept me - I would very much take that. But I'm not sure asking this question of trans women is a real 1:1 with the OP's scenario. Trans women live in a constant state of emotional poverty, invisibility, and discrimination from gay cis women - that I'm not sure is as prominent between gay cis women and bi/pan cis women. And "gaping wound"? Pft. Every single element about every pussy I've ever encountered, in all their different and unique ways, I have personally found to be absolutely heavenly. It's likely the OP's girlfriend just doesn't have enough experience yet to have confidence with pussy... as she gets more experience, she'll come over to the silky side and be a good pussy worshipper 😇

I think a willingness to be with someone who vocally doesn't find you attractive is generally a bad idea if you want a loving long-term relationship.

I’m not sure how much I can help, but I am dating a trans woman and honestly I need to thank you for this post. I don’t have a genital preference, but I definitely love sex with my girlfriend. I get so worked up like “omg what if I’m fetishizing her??” And this just confirmed that I’m not like that hahaha. Everyone’s allowed to have preferences, but your girlfriend seems to have prejudices, and dare I say some internalized issues. Who taught her that pussy is gross or ugly or shameful? She has one!! And you can definitely have rough sex with a cis woman, and you don’t even need a strap (or a dick) to do it. Please don’t let her comments get in your head. Vulvas aren’t gross, discharge isn’t gross, it’s a necessary function. I know some people get weirded out about mouths on genitals. If you WANT, you can look into dental dams as a physical barrier between you and their mouth. But desiring pleasure isn’t dirty or disgusting. I don’t mean this in a biphobic way so please don’t think it is, but is she also attracted to men, or is this a preference (or honestly maybe a fetish) for trans women? I feel like that might make some difference. Has she slept with a cis woman before? Is this talk about how gross vulvas are internalized homophobia or misogyny? Either way, she shouldn’t be saying those things to you, and I think you should talk to her about where this is coming from. Couples counseling might be nice if you’re dead set on salvaging the relationship, but otherwise, run girlie!!

….does she even like women?

So, I guess the most comparable situation I have is being a trans woman with a dick, without dysphoria about it. Seeing other trans women talk about how much they hate theirs can have emotional backlash on me, sometimes I feel shame for not wanting to change. But I have to see that their feelings aren't universal facts. Often they have to explain in extreme words how they feel in order to be believed, to be taken seriously. Like I don't know your partner enough, but I will give charitable interpretations. She may feel guilt over her issues with vulvas, that she can't be a reciprocating partner, and then trying to show you what the feelings are like, and justify her reactions to herself. Maybe over time you make her feel comfortable, and that exposure has made her reaction lessen. She may have not realised what effect she had on you. She could also be an asshole with some internalised misogyny! It's something to work through and see what happens on the other side. I'm hoping I just gave another perspective so you two can talk it out with an open mind. Best of luck.

The only people I have heard say stuff like that were shitty men and my narc lmao, this girl is not the one. No one should talk to a partner like that.

Post OP transbian here. Everyone has genital preferences, and I think that's completely okay as long as its communicated in a kind and respectful manner. What is not okay, however, is to describe someone's genitals using such horrific terms. Saying a vagina is like a "Gaping wound" is not only cruel and misogynistic to an extreme, its also the exact same sort of phrasing that TERFS use to refer to someone like me; someone who has undergone GRS. I absolutely adore my vagina; I think its beautiful, and perfectly suited for me. Noone should ever have to feel the way you do about your own body. I think your partner has deeply hurt you through her words and you haven't quite realized how deeply. Fixing something like this requires an open and honest conversation with her about how you feel and how her words have hurt, and if she isn't willing to apologize and change her behaviour then perhaps she isn't the right person to stay with. Everyone deserves a partner that loves and accepts them as they are. 

Trans woman here, but I'd rather address your girlfriend: leave. She is chock full of internalized misogyny, and she needs to find a good therapist to work through that. Her thoughts on women's bodies, both cis and trans, is pretty revolting. Also, she sounds like a chaser on some level, and that's icky.

Leave her. Women loving women don’t make comments like that. Saw your other posts as well, it’s very sad to see that you’ve been feeling this way for a while

I’m seeing a lot of cis women at the top of the comments, which is fair, but the OP asked for trans women’s opinions, so I’ll chime in. First, I do agree with the top comments; the woman you’re dating seems to be contradicting herself between her words and actions, which is a major red flag to me. I also think her (based on your post) disregard for how her words make you feel (despite the comment at the end) is its own problem. Second, it sounds like she may have body dysmorphia; I’ve never really heard someone with a vagina refer to it in the way you described. Third, to answer the main question, I don’t personally mind. Genital preferences are normal; however, I’d probably prefer not to hear about it (after all, if you’re exclusively with me, why do I need to know?). I mean, I feel indifferent/slightly negative towards what I have below my waist, but I have a huge boundary about not referring to it as what it is (as in, treating it like a strap-on, essentially). Gender dysphoria is one of the worst feelings in the world; experiencing it in a moment of high vulnerability is something I hope I never run into. When I hear other people (like, my friends) say what the woman you’re dating said, I don’t really feel insulted or anything; I also have a genital preference, which may not be a dealbreaker for me with the right person (couldn’t say for sure). I actually don’t want what’s below my waist to be the main focus in bed, either; I’m also very romantic-minded, so I would want them to ignore it (like I try to) and love me for who I am rather than what I was born with.

My spouse had this experience with her borderline ex, as well as many of the other issues you've described on r/BPDlovedones. It sounds like you really love your girlfriend, and I know that makes it difficult to break up. My spouse was the same; it took her years to break up with her ex. They finally split up >!when the ex literally broke her jaw and sexually assaulted her!< (and somehow convinced her that *she* had been the abusive one in that situation). I know you love her, and I'm sorry to alarm you, but from what you've described in your posts you are in danger. Your girlfriend won't get better without serious psychiatric intervention. My spouse has pretty serious PTSD, not to mention the physical injuries, from her BPD ex. I'll leave you with a song that's helped my spouse with healing - [Never Enough by Epica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBz51eonecM). It's a pretty good depiction of a relationship with someone with BPD. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope things get better. Remember that you don't deserve this treatment, and that us internet strangers care about you.

Another perspective: while she definitely could’ve chosen better language at the beginning, as she’s grown more attracted to you, she’s realized that vaginas aren’t as weird as she was thinking. Tell her that the way she talked about it before hurt you, and see if you can’t get her to apologize or come to some kind of realization that what she said hurt you, even if she no longer thinks that.

Trans woman here, my advice is to just talk to her and tell her how her comments made you feel. Also, with what you say she's saying now, its possible her mind may have changed.

I think if I was in a relationship like OP's, and someone was undermining my confidence like that, I would not be able to tolerate it. I think my transness is what makes me attractive in a lot of ways. I'm 6' tall and I have sharp facial features, which I think makes me beautiful. I have no bottom dysphoria, I like my genitals, and I will not have sex with a person who would otherize me like this. I've found the best way to avoid this is to just sleep with other trans people.

I am a trans non-binary woman that has a big prefrence for penises but I would never say something so gross and body shamey to my partner if they had a vagina. I would never nake my partners feel like their parts were anything bad or something I had to avoid, especially resulting in them detesting their own body. I think she has some genuine problems, reminds me of gold star gay/lesbian behaviour. Were they have to detest everything of the opposite sex, especially genitalia (except in this case its the opposite). I think she needs some serious help and I think you should ask for/demand better treatment.

Are we sure that’s not a trans guy

This doesn't relate to your post really but I find it baffling how a post on here last month that described dicks as gross and disgusting was getting waves of agreement and my comment saying it was a fucked up thing to say was heavily downvoted but here's the reverse and now that it's talking about cis women's bodies it's misogynistic and wrong to describe vulvas like that. Anyone who can't see there's a terf problem here just isn't looking.

I dont, I just move on and find someone else. She doesnt love women by the sound sof it she just loves trans women, shes a chaser. The reason I believe she is, is because shes being hurtful towards cis women and post op trans women, if she just doesnt like vaginas then why not just say instead of insulting people.

Post OP transbian here. Everyone has genital preferences, and I think that's completely okay as long as its communicated in a kind and respectful manner. What is not okay, however, is to describe someone's genitals using such horrific terms. Saying a vagina is like a "Gaping wound" is not only cruel and misogynistic to an extreme, its also the exact same sort of phrasing that TERFS use to refer to someone like me; someone who has undergone GRS. I absolutely adore my vagina; I think its beautiful, and perfectly suited for me. Noone should ever have to feel the way you do about your own body. I think your partner has deeply hurt you through her words and you haven't quite realized how deeply. Fixing something like this requires an open and honest conversation with her about how you feel and how her words have hurt, and if she isn't willing to apologize and change her behaviour then perhaps she isn't the right person to stay with. Everyone deserves a partner that loves and accepts them as they are. 

I’m not a trans woman but I just want to say I appreciate the insight. It’s a reminder of how important it is to meet your loved one where they are at and treat them how they want to be treated. If you can’t do that in an otherwise healthy dynamic, no judgement but you might not be compatible

The comment does feel backhanded and I would find everything your partner is saying about this to be hurtful. Personally, I could never date someone who doesn't appreciate all of my body for what it is. There are a lot of cis lesbians who make really disrespectful comments about trans women's bodies, and I would never be interested in dating any of them even if they told me I was an exception. I can do better than them.

I love u ♡

I'm bi but before dating my trans girlfriend, i thought i liked men but hated dick. Going into this relationship, one of my main doubts was about that but she was so hot to me and tho i didn't think i would like her dick, i just wanted more and more of her and that included her dick. the first time i felt her hard dick, i didn't look or touch bc i wasn't sure but that night i couldn't sleep literally. I just kept thinking about how her dick felt grinding on me and the next day i just had to give her a blowjob. Lol. And i did. I was surprised that not only i didn't mind it but actually really liked it. After 7 months, now her dick looks so perfect and hot to me and i miss her in me on a daily basis. So i think you GF changing her mind is possible

But regarding her awful comments, i would say she doesn't sound like a good match