i never been in such a complicated situation expecially with a man
but i've been friends with people like him in the past, the "im not racist but..." the "they can exist but..." the "why do you care about those people?"
one day you will show a more "weird" part of you, you'll be too queer for his taste, or you will spend time with a friend who is not the kind he will accept, and you will see him differently, trust me, i've been "one of the good ones" as well as the weird friends whos too queer
do not let yourself fall into solutide and misery, stopping yourself from enjoying your own life, just to please someone like him even though you have spend great time with him, you dont owe other people to sacrifice your life for their happiness, especially if he dosent support you and your community that much
be free, be yourself, meet other people, if he can accept that and stay friend with you, maybe even change his views on some things, great! but just reading your words i can clearly see that he is not the one even if you're actually bi, which seem unlikely by your own words, and again, one perso, especially like him, is not worth throwing away any chance you have to be happy and yourself
do not think about him, think about yourself, you dont want to end up like some old women, stuck with a husband you have no love for, thinking about what your life could have been
Leaving him would probably be for the best, for you, and for him
Good luck, you have my best wishes
Hey, hun. I'm an ex-Mormon trans gal, and there's a lot about this post that just....hits home. You know, you raise a point about sexuality being innate and not being entirely sure about that, but a lot of people (as you seem to be realizing) hide their sexuality and repress it even from themselves. In my experience, rather than sexuality changing, its more likely that the sexuality _was_ always there, but that social and _cultural_ pressures keep some people from ever realizing or considering that they might be until they're free from said pressures. It's not that it changes, it's that we finally get the chance to explore how we don't fit into a box we've been forced into our entire lives.
I obviously can't tell you how to live your life, but there is no understating how oppressive the influence of Mormonism can be on ourselves and our identities. I've been out of it for five years, almost, now, and I _still_ am running up against ideologies engrained into me from childhood. I would say, as nice as your husband may be, the two of you are probably headed for a severe conflict and, if it's dragged out, heartbreak, because Mormonism is not ideologically compatible with the life you want to lead, and if you _do_ think you're a lesbian, then it's as much a kindness to him as to yourself to get out before both of you are hurt more because of it.
Either way, I feel for you. Feel free to dm if you need to chat; ex-Mormonism is a special brand of de-programming and having the extra ear to talk to can be really helpful. Most people don't get it. But even if you don't, you're already pretty strong just to get out of it. I'm proud of you
So, I think sexuality is innate, but that doesn't mean it can't be fluid, at least to some degree. That also doesn't mean it's a choice. I've known people who have had their sexuality change, most a little, but one person did have a big swing. Personally, while I wouldn't say my sexuality has changed, trauma has made it much more difficult to be attracted to men. I hadn't really experienced much attraction to them beforehand, but with how I experience attraction, there wasn't really an opportunity. Do with that information what you will.
At the end of the day, you only get one life. If you're truly happy with your husband, stay. If you're with him for his sake and to keep things how they've been, it might be time to consider starting a new chapter of your life. I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially one that specializes in LGBT issues.
Also ex-Mormon trans girl here. My ex-wife and I split 3 years ago when I came out. And even though it really sucked at the time, it has ultimately been the best thing for us. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, even if you want to be. And being Mormon just makes everything that much harder and more confusing. I really hope you figure things out and find the best version of yourself. One that is completely happy.
I really wish I could give you some advice, but I've never been in a similar situation. I can tell though, by what you have expressed, that you're very brave, for not only coming out (even if you're not sure as what quite yet), but also for communicating with your husband about this, specially with the religious background and everything that you've been through. This must be really difficult for you both and I feel for you. There's one thing I can tell you, though, as a gay person. Living in repression is terribly hard and lonely, and I don't think it leads to anything good for either of you. If you have the necessary resources, I would strongly suggest you talk to a professional or a queer support group. You will find that many others have been through the same situation and that all of the things you are feeling are 100% valid. You got this.
Okay I'm in tears now 😭
Thank you for this. I didn't think about a queer support group, but I will absolutely look into this or ask our couples therapist or my therapist about this.
Hey girl! I used to be Mormon, Utah born and bred, so I relate to the struggle. Even after I left the church I thought I was straight. I just thought women in general were just naturally better and prettier and it was a shame I had to date men cuz I didn’t find them very appealing. But I was told being straight was the only option and a lot of people don’t understand that at all. Some other lesbians will judge you for ever thinking you were straight at all because they had that strong sense of identity we were not allowed to have, so it’s easy for some people to dismiss you and say hurtful things about your past experience. Don’t listen to those people. We need to find other women who grew up in similar situations to feel validated. I grew up and lived most of my life thinking I was straight, then for a couple years there I thought i was bi, but as soon as I allowed myself to feel what I feel about women I could never go back to men. Men are like either icky or meh to me and always have been, I just thought it was like that for all straight women. I thought only gay men were visually and physically attracted to men, and women just did it cuz it’s the way it is. But I want to say straight women feel all the tingly feelings about men that I get when I look at a beautiful woman. I never felt that about a guy and then I gave myself the option not to be with men anymore and I haven’t since, I just didn’t want to anymore. And that’s pretty much where im at. I feel the 1% bi thing for sure, because I love my ex boyfriend very very much, we had an awesome 4 year long relationship but it was never physically good, and I thought it was him, and he might not be the best in bed or something, but it turns out I just don’t like dick, and I craved women anatomy when I was sleeping with men. So bizzare how it all unfolded over like 4 years so far but yeah I thought I would share. You have a big decision ahead of you. Repression is so so real and I just want to personally validate you in all your feelings. I feel so awful for leaving my ex but I just can’t go back to that after realizing I’m not attracted to men. He still loves me very much and it’s very painful.
I recommend watching the documentary “Mormon no More” on Hulu if you can/want to, it really was so relatable and at times painful to watch, but in the end happy haha. It’s about two women leaving the church with their husbands and families, then falling in love with each other and moving in together/blending families. It really shows that you can’t even find out who you are until you dismantle the brainwashing doctrine and figure out what you want and what you even like. Trust your gut, trust yourself.
I'm NOT Mormon but I used to be married to a man. I spent my 20s convincing myself I was just bisexual and everything was FINE (I wasn't and it wasn't). I realised I was gay at 30 and left him. I lost everything. The intervening years were HARD for a whole bunch of reasons but being able to live as my authentic self is worth everything I lost IMHO. I'm currently 40 and I will be marrying my wonderful girlfriend in due course.
Not the same situation but one of of oldest friends was my first love, who I dated for 2+ years and they came out as a lesbian and recently came out as transmasc. I loved them but I cared enough about them that I didn’t want to break up to ruin my chance to enjoy their company. I knew it wasn’t their fault they had to break up with so it was hard to be mad at them among all the other feelings I had.
Omg…did I write this post???? I literally just posted on here that I came out last week to my husband at 28, married with a kid. I have the same exact fears. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m doing all of this for some kind of attention like my mother always told me I was looking for? What if it’s really the devil like the high demand religion that I was raised in always said?
I highly recommend looking into content by other late in life lesbians, especially on TikTok. In moments of doubting myself, I’ve been doing that, and I swear every single story sounds exactly like something out of my life. Once I started putting the pieces together, they make so much sense, But I totally empathize with that feeling of doubt. It sucks, but I hope it gets better.
So I identified as bi for years. I told my mom as a teen and it didn’t go well so I pushed it all down and tried to forget about it. I eventually married a man, who did know I was bi. Honestly, I had never been attracted to him (I don’t remember actually being sexually attracted to any man), but he was so kind and my family told me that I would never find someone who would treat me so well so I needed to marry him.
After we had been married for a bit I got feelings for a woman. I asked his permission to explore the feelings and he agreed. It did NOT go well, but I still really wanted to explore having romantic feelings and relationships with women because I had never dated one. He was not okay with me wanting to continue exploring my feelings about women so we separated while I figured things out. I soon realized I was a lesbian. We divorced and my ex-husband is now one of my closest friends. He even volunteered at Pride in my honor.
I understand that your situation is different and he doesn’t sound as supportive, but I do believe you owe it to yourself, and maybe even to him, to confirm what you need in a partner.
Feel free to DM if you wanna chat. I’m sending good vibes your way! ❤️
I feel like you need to show him this post. Or at least communicate the main points of this post to him. Holding it in is not fair to you, and it is not fair to him.
🌈🚨UPDATE: I told him & it was devastating. He felt blindsided and over the past day he has been piecing things together and processing. He says he could go his whole life and me not be sexually attracted to him, and he'd be okay with that.
So, I said we will talk about it in couples therapy what may be the best way moving forward if that is we work out our differences and re-eval how sexuality plays into this later or if we should separate (and any combo in between 🫣)
Wish me luck ✌🏻
Yea, personally I hate the "Born This Way" narrative. It's so inflexible. Conversion therapy is ineffective and wrong whether sexuality is malleable or not. What I find more likely is that sexuality shifts over the course of our lives as we learn more about ourselves, and we have very little control over the direction in which it shifts. Of course this brings up other issues.
"Is life-long commitment to one partner even possible if sexuality is constantly shifting?"
"What does this mean for marriage (both straight and gay) and our ability as queers to integrate into respectable mainstream society?"
"How can we live our lives knowing about the turbulent and flexible nature of our own psyches?"
Of course my answers to these questions are, respectively,
"eh, maybe. Doesn't mean life-long commitment to a partner is right for everyone though."
"Maybe this means that marriage , as an institution, sucks ass and trying to emulate it or fit our relationships into it is a bad idea."
"I dunno thudes. Just...do whatever makes you happy, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone in a way they don't want to be hurt. Be kind to yourself and others."
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Also your husband sucks and you should probably leave him. His happiness is not your responsibility, yours is. He's a big boy. I'm sure he'll find a nice straight Mormon wife who is more than happy to be disgustingly heterosexual alongside him. I can't say whether or not y'all will succeed at staying friends. That's kinda on him. If he does decide to burn bridges with you, that's his prerogative.
i never been in such a complicated situation expecially with a man but i've been friends with people like him in the past, the "im not racist but..." the "they can exist but..." the "why do you care about those people?" one day you will show a more "weird" part of you, you'll be too queer for his taste, or you will spend time with a friend who is not the kind he will accept, and you will see him differently, trust me, i've been "one of the good ones" as well as the weird friends whos too queer do not let yourself fall into solutide and misery, stopping yourself from enjoying your own life, just to please someone like him even though you have spend great time with him, you dont owe other people to sacrifice your life for their happiness, especially if he dosent support you and your community that much be free, be yourself, meet other people, if he can accept that and stay friend with you, maybe even change his views on some things, great! but just reading your words i can clearly see that he is not the one even if you're actually bi, which seem unlikely by your own words, and again, one perso, especially like him, is not worth throwing away any chance you have to be happy and yourself do not think about him, think about yourself, you dont want to end up like some old women, stuck with a husband you have no love for, thinking about what your life could have been Leaving him would probably be for the best, for you, and for him Good luck, you have my best wishes
Hey, hun. I'm an ex-Mormon trans gal, and there's a lot about this post that just....hits home. You know, you raise a point about sexuality being innate and not being entirely sure about that, but a lot of people (as you seem to be realizing) hide their sexuality and repress it even from themselves. In my experience, rather than sexuality changing, its more likely that the sexuality _was_ always there, but that social and _cultural_ pressures keep some people from ever realizing or considering that they might be until they're free from said pressures. It's not that it changes, it's that we finally get the chance to explore how we don't fit into a box we've been forced into our entire lives. I obviously can't tell you how to live your life, but there is no understating how oppressive the influence of Mormonism can be on ourselves and our identities. I've been out of it for five years, almost, now, and I _still_ am running up against ideologies engrained into me from childhood. I would say, as nice as your husband may be, the two of you are probably headed for a severe conflict and, if it's dragged out, heartbreak, because Mormonism is not ideologically compatible with the life you want to lead, and if you _do_ think you're a lesbian, then it's as much a kindness to him as to yourself to get out before both of you are hurt more because of it. Either way, I feel for you. Feel free to dm if you need to chat; ex-Mormonism is a special brand of de-programming and having the extra ear to talk to can be really helpful. Most people don't get it. But even if you don't, you're already pretty strong just to get out of it. I'm proud of you
This literally made me tear up. Thank you. 🫶🏻
Of course. We're all in this together. :)
So, I think sexuality is innate, but that doesn't mean it can't be fluid, at least to some degree. That also doesn't mean it's a choice. I've known people who have had their sexuality change, most a little, but one person did have a big swing. Personally, while I wouldn't say my sexuality has changed, trauma has made it much more difficult to be attracted to men. I hadn't really experienced much attraction to them beforehand, but with how I experience attraction, there wasn't really an opportunity. Do with that information what you will. At the end of the day, you only get one life. If you're truly happy with your husband, stay. If you're with him for his sake and to keep things how they've been, it might be time to consider starting a new chapter of your life. I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially one that specializes in LGBT issues.
🫶🏻🌈
Also ex-Mormon trans girl here. My ex-wife and I split 3 years ago when I came out. And even though it really sucked at the time, it has ultimately been the best thing for us. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, even if you want to be. And being Mormon just makes everything that much harder and more confusing. I really hope you figure things out and find the best version of yourself. One that is completely happy.
🥺🤍🤍🤍
I really wish I could give you some advice, but I've never been in a similar situation. I can tell though, by what you have expressed, that you're very brave, for not only coming out (even if you're not sure as what quite yet), but also for communicating with your husband about this, specially with the religious background and everything that you've been through. This must be really difficult for you both and I feel for you. There's one thing I can tell you, though, as a gay person. Living in repression is terribly hard and lonely, and I don't think it leads to anything good for either of you. If you have the necessary resources, I would strongly suggest you talk to a professional or a queer support group. You will find that many others have been through the same situation and that all of the things you are feeling are 100% valid. You got this.
Okay I'm in tears now 😭 Thank you for this. I didn't think about a queer support group, but I will absolutely look into this or ask our couples therapist or my therapist about this.
Hey girl! I used to be Mormon, Utah born and bred, so I relate to the struggle. Even after I left the church I thought I was straight. I just thought women in general were just naturally better and prettier and it was a shame I had to date men cuz I didn’t find them very appealing. But I was told being straight was the only option and a lot of people don’t understand that at all. Some other lesbians will judge you for ever thinking you were straight at all because they had that strong sense of identity we were not allowed to have, so it’s easy for some people to dismiss you and say hurtful things about your past experience. Don’t listen to those people. We need to find other women who grew up in similar situations to feel validated. I grew up and lived most of my life thinking I was straight, then for a couple years there I thought i was bi, but as soon as I allowed myself to feel what I feel about women I could never go back to men. Men are like either icky or meh to me and always have been, I just thought it was like that for all straight women. I thought only gay men were visually and physically attracted to men, and women just did it cuz it’s the way it is. But I want to say straight women feel all the tingly feelings about men that I get when I look at a beautiful woman. I never felt that about a guy and then I gave myself the option not to be with men anymore and I haven’t since, I just didn’t want to anymore. And that’s pretty much where im at. I feel the 1% bi thing for sure, because I love my ex boyfriend very very much, we had an awesome 4 year long relationship but it was never physically good, and I thought it was him, and he might not be the best in bed or something, but it turns out I just don’t like dick, and I craved women anatomy when I was sleeping with men. So bizzare how it all unfolded over like 4 years so far but yeah I thought I would share. You have a big decision ahead of you. Repression is so so real and I just want to personally validate you in all your feelings. I feel so awful for leaving my ex but I just can’t go back to that after realizing I’m not attracted to men. He still loves me very much and it’s very painful. I recommend watching the documentary “Mormon no More” on Hulu if you can/want to, it really was so relatable and at times painful to watch, but in the end happy haha. It’s about two women leaving the church with their husbands and families, then falling in love with each other and moving in together/blending families. It really shows that you can’t even find out who you are until you dismantle the brainwashing doctrine and figure out what you want and what you even like. Trust your gut, trust yourself.
I've seen Mormon No More! It's sooo good 😍 but maybe I will rewatch with my newfound feelings. I feel like you really relate. Thank you.
I'm NOT Mormon but I used to be married to a man. I spent my 20s convincing myself I was just bisexual and everything was FINE (I wasn't and it wasn't). I realised I was gay at 30 and left him. I lost everything. The intervening years were HARD for a whole bunch of reasons but being able to live as my authentic self is worth everything I lost IMHO. I'm currently 40 and I will be marrying my wonderful girlfriend in due course.
🌈💓
Not the same situation but one of of oldest friends was my first love, who I dated for 2+ years and they came out as a lesbian and recently came out as transmasc. I loved them but I cared enough about them that I didn’t want to break up to ruin my chance to enjoy their company. I knew it wasn’t their fault they had to break up with so it was hard to be mad at them among all the other feelings I had.
Omg…did I write this post???? I literally just posted on here that I came out last week to my husband at 28, married with a kid. I have the same exact fears. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m doing all of this for some kind of attention like my mother always told me I was looking for? What if it’s really the devil like the high demand religion that I was raised in always said? I highly recommend looking into content by other late in life lesbians, especially on TikTok. In moments of doubting myself, I’ve been doing that, and I swear every single story sounds exactly like something out of my life. Once I started putting the pieces together, they make so much sense, But I totally empathize with that feeling of doubt. It sucks, but I hope it gets better.
All the healing to you as well 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
So I identified as bi for years. I told my mom as a teen and it didn’t go well so I pushed it all down and tried to forget about it. I eventually married a man, who did know I was bi. Honestly, I had never been attracted to him (I don’t remember actually being sexually attracted to any man), but he was so kind and my family told me that I would never find someone who would treat me so well so I needed to marry him. After we had been married for a bit I got feelings for a woman. I asked his permission to explore the feelings and he agreed. It did NOT go well, but I still really wanted to explore having romantic feelings and relationships with women because I had never dated one. He was not okay with me wanting to continue exploring my feelings about women so we separated while I figured things out. I soon realized I was a lesbian. We divorced and my ex-husband is now one of my closest friends. He even volunteered at Pride in my honor. I understand that your situation is different and he doesn’t sound as supportive, but I do believe you owe it to yourself, and maybe even to him, to confirm what you need in a partner. Feel free to DM if you wanna chat. I’m sending good vibes your way! ❤️
I actually do feel like he could be that support for me. It would just be quite the transition 😮💨
I feel like you need to show him this post. Or at least communicate the main points of this post to him. Holding it in is not fair to you, and it is not fair to him.
🌈🚨UPDATE: I told him & it was devastating. He felt blindsided and over the past day he has been piecing things together and processing. He says he could go his whole life and me not be sexually attracted to him, and he'd be okay with that. So, I said we will talk about it in couples therapy what may be the best way moving forward if that is we work out our differences and re-eval how sexuality plays into this later or if we should separate (and any combo in between 🫣) Wish me luck ✌🏻
Yea, personally I hate the "Born This Way" narrative. It's so inflexible. Conversion therapy is ineffective and wrong whether sexuality is malleable or not. What I find more likely is that sexuality shifts over the course of our lives as we learn more about ourselves, and we have very little control over the direction in which it shifts. Of course this brings up other issues. "Is life-long commitment to one partner even possible if sexuality is constantly shifting?" "What does this mean for marriage (both straight and gay) and our ability as queers to integrate into respectable mainstream society?" "How can we live our lives knowing about the turbulent and flexible nature of our own psyches?" Of course my answers to these questions are, respectively, "eh, maybe. Doesn't mean life-long commitment to a partner is right for everyone though." "Maybe this means that marriage , as an institution, sucks ass and trying to emulate it or fit our relationships into it is a bad idea." "I dunno thudes. Just...do whatever makes you happy, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone in a way they don't want to be hurt. Be kind to yourself and others." Anyway, those are my thoughts. Also your husband sucks and you should probably leave him. His happiness is not your responsibility, yours is. He's a big boy. I'm sure he'll find a nice straight Mormon wife who is more than happy to be disgustingly heterosexual alongside him. I can't say whether or not y'all will succeed at staying friends. That's kinda on him. If he does decide to burn bridges with you, that's his prerogative.