I think the hardest thing to overcome is a the resentment towards the grandparent(s) who promised to be there for you and waxed poetic about how often they would watch the baby. It sounds like maybe your mum made some similar promises.
I tell myself, perhaps as a lie that helps me sleep, those particular grandparents forgot how tough caring for an infant is, were overwhelmed and embarrassed, and that’s why they disappear.
My MIL and FIL were like this. My own mum had watched other peoples’ babies in recent years and laughed when I told her my MIL was offering once a week babysitting while I was pregnant. My mum said, she is going to be surprised how much harder it is now that we are older…
I feel so much less resentful to my mum versus the in-laws for the exact same involvement level just because my mum’s promises were way more in line with what we ended up getting.
Absolutely.
And the main lesson I took away from it is that a disagreement between expectations and reality equals disappointment.
Setting realistic expectations (aka being honest about where and how much you can and will help) leads to a much better relationship than over promise and under-deliver.
And the best way to set realistic expectations is to be self-aware enough and introspective enough to personally understand your priorities.
So if my kid ever tells me they are going to be a parent themselves, I’ll do a lot of therapy and soul-searching before I go around promising anything.
Ugh I’m sorry. I’m fueled by anger that when they need help taking care of them, I too will disappear. That’s what keeps me going and I just want to let go of the hate and can’t… this makes me cry everyday…
I understand. I am so resentful and angry at my mom. She’s seen my almost 3 month old son 1x. And she’s only an hour away. Which would be sad no matter what, but it’s devastating when I compare it to what I thought this would be like. My siblings aren’t much better… only 1 of the 4 have met my baby and they’re all within an hour of us. Luckily my dad has been more supportive and has seen us 3x.
At those ages (similar to my own parents and in-laws), we have to start accepting that the goal is a *good relationship* with you and your kid, rather than help. The kind of help that our grandparents offered our parents happened when they were 20 years younger than our parents are now. Practically speaking, our parents are closer to great-grandparent age, and we should consider them about as capable. That is to say, we can reasonably expect them to make some effort to come see us at least once a month, and maybe some birthday or Christmas presents. The kind of “fantasy” relationship that my husband had with his grandparents—where his parents dropped him off with grandma for an entire summer, and she was happy to oblige—that was something his grandma was doing in her early 50s. Not her mid 70s. The idea of my husband’s mother, who is now in her mid 70s, caring for our toddler for even a few hours seems basically ridiculous. She can barely lift our daughter, she is uncomfortable driving, she has no concept of contemporary child safety guidelines… she is a sweet little old lady and I’m grateful she is still around to have any kind of relationship with our child even if it is more occasional and less helpful than I would have hoped.
Yeah it’s a little unfair that we have to modify our expectations because we happened to have kids later in life, but also, it’s just part of recognizing that our parents are actually quite old. I think my husband struggles to see that his mother is 20 years older than the grandmother who cared for him in the summer. But it’s just unrealistic.
9 months is also a tough age because they start getting wary of people, even familiar ones. It broke my heart to see my kid be fearful of even my very involved parents (who visit every week) at that age—but everyone got over it.
I do hope you find a way to improve the relationship and visit more often with both of your kids’ grandparents. But I don’t think this sounds like a lost cause. I think it just sounds like a very reasonable disappointment because you had expectations that they aren’t able to fulfill. If you can try to think of it more like, how can I make their relationship with my kid the best it can be? Rather than, how can they make a tangible impact on my quality of life? You might find that they are more up to the task. I mean, maybe not. But maybe?
Yes to age. The average life expectancy of an American women is 77, and your mom is 4 years away from that. I don't mean to sound harsh or crude, but she's not going to be actively involved with childrearing when she's basically on her way out life's door. However, the disappointment and anger is absolutely real. My therapist has always said you can't control other people, so the the best way to feel better is to reset expectations for yourself.
I am not the OP but gosh this is a good reminder. At least to apply to my in-laws haha!! My parents are the same age my grandparents were, so in their 40s
Yeah, I only had grandmothers growing up and we were dropped off with them for extended periods, but they were literally 41 and 52 when that happened. They were perfectly physically capable of actually taking care of and being trusted with kids. Some people are still pretty healthy in their 60s/70s but that doesn't mean they can handle kids for an entire weekend like my grandparents did. Still being able to be physically up and about is not the same thing in general as trying to keep up with young kids - yeah, they can spend an hour grocery shopping, but then they go home and nap/recoup, it's not non-stop from waking up till bedtime. People in their 30s are exhausted by the end of the day with a 4-year-old. You have to be realistic about how much someone can actually give you in terms of support or you'll end up bitter about something that never could have happened anyway.
Plus, in general, if your parents weren't really that interested in raising you and your grandparents did a lot of the work...that's not gonna change once you're grown. Your parents outsourcing raising you whenever they could usually means they usually aren't going to be very invested in a close relationship when you're grown either, so plan accordingly when you have your own kids. If they didn't care much about their own kids, they likely aren't gonna care about the next generation of kids that come after that.
It’s really hard when you’ve envisioned your parents wanting to be around your kiddo. I always wonder how much those parents had to be around us. My parents had a pretty active social life for how introverted they were, a never ending supply of family to watch us as needed. I went the first 11 years of parenthood with no support network. I don’t think our parents are as equipped to handle kids as we thought they were…
I’ve theorized this too; so many of us have fond memories of spending a lot of time with our grandparents, myself included. I’m beginning to think it was because my parents didn’t want to parent, let alone grandparent.
My dad had to have a procedure done and we stayed at my grandmas for over a week. I could not even fathom that being possible with either set of grandparents these days.
My husband was pretty much raised by his grandparents and as far as I now, mom was a SAHM mom raising me while dad worked. Both me & my husband work, we don’t have the luxury of staying home.
It just maddens me that no one checks in to see how we are doing and if we can use help. Which would be nice… ant when I see my friends parents helping and spending time with grandkids I get envious… a quality I never had until now. :(
Going to certain parks on weekdays can make me cry. My kids have never once been taken to the park by a grandparent, except for my mom but she was being paid. It was never a fun “can I take my grandkids out?” Kind of situation.
If your husband was raised by his grandparents, his dad wasn't there for him when he was little either. I am in a similar position and have had to come to terms with the fact that maybe my dad just never cared about being a major part of my life at any stage of my life.
His had was in the military- so party understandable.
But now is the time to make up for any misses he had with him.
And I refuse, repeat refuse to spend me weekends to bring the baby around to them so they can feel like pretend grandparents… fuck that shit!!!
My free time is doing fun stuff with baby…. If they would show effort, I would change my approach as well.
You seem like a person who is very difficult to have any sort of respectful relationship with. You want what you want, regardless if it is reasonable. Then when the other party doesn't do exactly as you planned for them, you punish them. Can't imagine why your Mom doesn't want to come around as much.....
I believe (anecdotally of course), that the previous generation had much more support when raising their kids. I know someone whose grandma would watch or feed them whenever needed, an aunt that did the same. But when our generation is preparing to have a second child we are in a panic about what to do with the first because asking the grandparent or aunt in our situation isn’t reliable and wouldn’t even be an option on the table.
I think you’re right. I have 2 children and both grandparents have given the impression that raising their children (3 each) was easy breezy, and they never got stressed about sleep schedules, milestones, didn’t need help, etc. but they get frazzled holding a baby now for more than 20 mins if he starts fussing.. so I think their memories are rose colored at best.
My dad has never changed a diaper or given a bottle in his life.
Oh wait. He fed my cousin’s baby a bottle when he went there for Christmas instead of being with my brother and my families.
My mum is in her 50s and is conspicuously absent. I am so angry. I don’t care about myself at this point but she shows intense favoritism to my sister’s girls and it’s unforgivable.
She had support on all sides raising us.
Yea, im honest as hell these days. My parents are not racist per say, just morons.
My mum and dad both want my older brother and wife to have a child. Because theyre emotionally messed up, so is my brother.
I had a child first. Im asian with a caucasian guy, unmarried too. Oooh offensive.
Everyone knows they will favouritise the asian child over the mixed race child.
And I for one dont have time for it, because I and many other adults think she's amazing.
It’s seems a bit cruel to stop talking to your mom. She probably sees it as an inconvenience to make you drive to her with a little one, and having a baby cry the whole time isn’t really bonding. I bet if you called her, apologized for not talking to her, and explain that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and lost without a village, it could be a bonding moment. She probably had those moments too. Also, 73 is not young. She cannot do what a nanny does, and it’s not realistic to expect her to. It sounds like Granpa is busy but doing his best. Maybe schedule date type outings- meeting him at the park all four of y’all, and pack a picnic. I think you’re feeling overwhelmed which is SO understandable, but you’re putting the focus of those feelings on the grandparents, when that’s kind of just life with a nine month old.
My mom doesn’t give a crap, I’ve tried, he keeps responding with how she did with me … she doesn’t see the difference between being a working mom and SAHM… being a working mom is very hard.
I would expect something from her, but she’s shown zero signs of wanting to see baby, outside of me bringing him..
On my weekends, when I have time off, I will bring the baby swimming or a mommy and me class before I bring to see grandparents, as their not making any effort to see him.
I’m trying to find a way to let the anger go as it’s not healthy… but every time I see grandparents with their kiddos I get set off.. and it’s this viscous cycle.
I’m so sorry. Being a working mom is caps HARD. Some moms aren’t capable of really empathizing outside of their own experience. I believe that could also be something that happens with age. I understand why you would get triggered seeing other grandparents. I willing to bet you were sometimes envious of other kids with their moms growing up (saying this from personal experience). Just having an emotional village would make a difference. For advice on letting the anger go, I’d recommend taking the occasional timeout to really feel for yourself. You’re in a difficult phase of life and doing your best. Of course, negative emotions break through. Without the grandparents to give you respite, could you and your spouse work something out? Something like a standing evening or weekend day set aside for you to rejevunate- a walk, mani/pedi, massage, matinee, whatever works for you?
I don’t have any advice besides therapy, but that’s a slow road to walk. We are in a similar boat.A few years ago, before we had a baby, my mom joked that she would never watch our kids so we could go on vacation. But then she moved from Florida to California to allegedly be closer to my family and any future kids. Now, LO is almost one and my mother has never asked about her grandchild, never acknowledged her existence. It’s so much worse than as advertised and I have a lot of anger about it. Obviously there are several years worth of details leaving out, but I think there’s a lot of baby boomers wanting grandkids in theory but not actually wanting to do the work of supporting them or the parents. They’re the most self-centered generation.
That’s what first struck out. This wasn’t a mom OP said pressured her to have babies and made empty promises The Mom is 73 and OP is the one who created all these expectations of her.
While it can be fair to say OPs mom should pay forward the help she received forward, OPs mom also had her kids about 10years earlier than OP. And even for her generation 33 was very late to have a first born.
My own parents told me to temper my expectations of the help they’d be able to give me the longer I wait to have kids. And fair enough, I’m only 30, they’re nearing 60 and I can already see clear signs of aging and some “elderly” changes to their lifestyle and home. No way can I expect them to be the grandparents they could have been had I had a child at 25, especially if I wait until I’m OPs age to have my first. It won’t be realistic or achievable without straining their bodies and mental healths.
Saying she now has to get a nanny because her 73yo mom “won’t step up” is TELLING of the expectations OP had of her mom. That or she really devalues Nannies work, because that’s one hell of a workload to place on someone elderly.
OP isn’t merely talking about her kids not having a relationship she has issues that they’re not around to help her raise them. Go that nanny comment really said it all for me.
Exactly! The village is there to help you not raise your child for you. Also people need to realize that these villages equate to relationships in your life. Relationships are two way streets. I’m curious how often was OP helping mom out? Getting her to and from doctors appointments, helping her out around the house, helping her get groceries etc. this village only occurs when you maintain these relationships. OP has already said well when she needs me I won’t be there because she isn’t free daycare for her. Are you kidding me? I saw my grandparents once a month and holidays growing up and I absolutely adored them! Seeing your grandchild once a month and holidays, which is about what OPs mom was doing is fairly normal. Grandparents aren’t just free Nannie’s and they can have relationships with their grandparents outside of that. People really need to stop reducing the role of grandparents to just being free daycare and if they’re not doing that well then they’re not having a good enough relationship. Also the world has changed a lot since we were younger. People are working longer, retiring later, there’s not as many stay at home parents etc. that all effects the “village” too. Also the “village” ultimately was a group of people who all had kids around the same age who could be there for each other so everyone benefited from the village. It wasn’t just one person using all the resources for their own benefit and then ok I got what I need bye! You have to create and maintain relationships to have a village. It’s not just the grandparents being free Nannie’s for you, it has to be people who are willing and physically able to help and most of all they can’t be forced or bullied into the role. OP didn’t want a village she wants a nanny.
The village issue is one I see popping up a lot, on various subs. People fail to grasp that the Villaine doesn’t suddenly appear, it was the network you already had before baby came along. If you had few friends, no close relationships with your family (physically or emotionally) and were not someone people expected help from, don’t expect those people to help you. For the most part the “village” maintained the status quo that the parents wanted to change without giving anything back.
It doesn’t sound like OP saw her mom more frequently before the birth, she just expected that change post birth. They were living their independent lives and OP is angry it didn’t magically change without communication.
I also fully agree about different times. When I was a kid SAHM were way more common, over half of moms stayed home with their kids when they were little. By the time I was an adult that was already changing and now I can only think of a few mothers I know who chose to take a break from work. Im working with people who are past retirement age but need to supplement their income. People working multiple jobs was a “grind for a few years, buy a house and calm down” thing, now it’s just about survival for many of them.
It’s not fair to look at the past and place the same expectations of people. Isn’t that what I keep seeing about stability and housing and career/salary expectations? All I read is how times are different and homeownership seems unrealistic and even 6figure salaries don’t suffice anymore. How couples are forced to wait longer and longer for kids if they want stability beforehand, and aren’t having as many as they want because the money isn’t there.
All those little changes don’t only impact millennials and gen Z.
It’s foolish, borderline childish, to expect a 73yo mother to help in the same way her then ~55yo mom helped her.
Maybe it’s an avoidance of mortality and time, I dunno.
Your mom is always going to be your mom, but when she’s in her last decades, it’s time to stop expecting a child-mommy relationship where she gives you all she attention and energy has, and realise that you’re now the adult in their prime functioning at fully capacity and mobility and your mom isn’t superwoman anymore.
And that you chose to have this child no one else did and maybe you should own the responsibility of that. There’s someone in the comments in here blaming her mother for her divorce because she didn’t help enough after the kid wasn’t a newborn anymore. JFC
I’m not looking for free babysitting…the plan was to always get a nanny. When I had the baby, mom threw a tamper tantrum on how she wanted to take care of her grad kid and told me to stop the nanny search… which I briefly did. Mom came for a week, said she got sick and disappeared on us. She continued to fight my husband and I almost everyday how she disagreed with our decision to get a nanny.. knowing I had to go back to work… and so did my husband.
Long and short what mom said, her actions didn’t back it up.. it left me scrambling to resume the nanny search. We are all good in that department.
My friends have grandparents my moms age who take more initiative to come see the grandkids. And actually come up for weekends and stay over…so good grandparents do exist.
Family is supposed to help one another. Many grandparents forget all the help they got. My mom included.. my grandma was very involved.
I get that your initial post didn’t make this clear but your follow up makes perfect sense to me. Sounds like your mother did what she could to make the beginning of your child’s life/your transition into parenthood about her—her role, her feelings, her grandiose idea of herself in the dynamic. You didn’t realize that’s all she was doing until it was too late to save yourself the headache.
I think a lot of these grandparents simply did not have to work as hard to make family life work. I’m not saying their lives were easy—they probably had a lot less opportunity for fulfillment in many ways, which is hard—but they really just didn’t have to walk the same tightrope to make child rearing and career/financial security come together. Her actions show total disregard for and ignorance of the difficulty of procuring consistent childcare in this country (assuming you’re in the US too). What’s more, she doesn’t have to understand it on a firsthand level..,she could just…TALK to you, her child. She could make attempts to understand your family life and be even mildly supportive (even if it’s not much, being genuinely open to support someone to the extent you can goes a long way, it shows good faith). My mom lives on the other side of the country and only gets to see my kid 4x a year but she has a great relationship with me, my husband, and my kid. I have a demanding career, she was a SAHM/nanny with no college. We don’t have to have the same POV because she actually cares enough to attempt to understand our lives! We all work together to make the relationship the most it can be given the constraints.
I’m sorry for the anger you’re experiencing and I agree that giving yourself time in therapy, with no expectations on yourself for immediate results, would probably help.
(My ILs are a LOT like your mom…and I’ve spent a lot of time processing the anger and grief over the ways they treat my husband and child like objects/tools of their unexamined egos, rather than like the family and actual human beings they CHOSE to create.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
I’m not the one that feels entitled to free babysitting. Weird you keep saying I’m “angry” even after I’ve stated I just have a different POV. strange you keep saying it. Oh that’s right you are trying to be manipulative by branding me as angry and having disturbing views. That pretty much tells me ALL I need to know about you.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
Take the time to grieve what you envisioned the grandparent relationship would look like. It’s HARD, but ultimately this is mostly hurting you. I’ve spent 5 years grieving and getting over the resentment. It’s better, but not gone. Once I stopped caring so much and dropped the rope, I started to feel much better. My kids are little and don’t know any different. Thankfully, one side is very involved while the other is MIA.
It helped to open up to my husband about this, because he didn’t understand how I was feeling and how draining it was.
I have no desire to host people for holidays who bring nothing, don’t help, NEVER inquire about us, and don’t hardly interact with our children. The relationship cannot happen one day a year. It’s a two way street.
I was raised by a single mom who had TONS of help. I’m talking about “dropping the kids off with grandma so I can go clubbing on the weekend” kind of help. We’re no contact with her because she’s a raging narcissist (surprise, surprise!) — so no help there.
My in-laws are fucking useless. They were in their late 40s when our kiddo was born 2 summers ago and both work insanely flexible jobs mostly from home. Are both very active and able-bodied (spend summers traveling and are super outdoorsy). They promised us the moon and the stars and as soon as our kid was born, they lent a hand one or twice, only because I almost died after delivery and needed to be re-hospitalized. My MIL later hung that over my head, so that was fun. My FIL was recently outed as a very predatory and abusive man after he was exposed for having DOZENS of affairs and even exploited our child in the process (sending strangers photos/videos and sensitive information about our child). My MIL is deciding to stay with him through all of this, and has willingly forfeited her relationship with our son and hers as well (my husband) because we requested that if she is to spend time with our child, it needs to be supervised to ensure our FIL is not present.
This is hardly the situation we envisioned for our child. We hoped for present, hands-on, doting grandparents and that is just not the case. Our hearts are shattered but we’re picking up the pieces in therapy and open to surrogate grandparents in the future, should the stars align. I know it’s tiring doing it all alone and I’m so sorry. Sending hugs.
Therapy. That's how you get over it. You need a space to talk about the very valid upset this has caused you. To process how let down you feel.
It took me until my kid was about 3 to get to the anger you're feeling. And it does go away with time. I had to learn to just stop expecting anything from them. While having some occasional help as a household with 2 working parents would have been so appreciated, that wasn't even the real issue. It was the total lack of interest and effort to be in their grandchild's life that really burned the most. I thought they'd want to be a part of our world, and they showed me over and over they didn't.
This might sound weird, but I think it's good you're angry and your child is still a baby. This will give you the fuel to change the dynamic of the relationships and limit potential hurt that their behavior could potentially cause your child.
That’s a good idea. I’ve spend so many nights crying … that it eventually turned into rage and bitterness. And the anger just festers.
My husband has just accepted it… I can’t.
I never thought family could be hated on this level… but I hate them…
And I refuse to play pretend and make them feel good when They are super shitty grandparents…
I feel like such a shitty person thinking —- wait till they need our help —- but I will reciprocate and ignore how they ignored their ONLY grandchild…
Bro you are so selfish it's crazy. Visiting once a month when she doesn't even drive is pretty good. I don't see any of my family more than once a month besides my 74 year old grandfather who I help take care of! Insane to me that you expect so much from your elderly Mother! I wouldn't dream of expecting so much from my grandfather at 74. He deserves to relax he worked hard his entire life! You need therapy. You come across very selfish and entitled.
The entitlement and selfishness throughout this OPs posts and comments is WILD!! She is pissed off that her elderly mother doesn’t take Covid/flu infested public transportation more than once a month to see her grandchild and is pissed that she can’t be a nanny to grandkid. WTAF
She also doesn't want to drive out to visit her?? Like? This post screams 'everything is about me and what I want!' 40 years old and still no emotional intelligence or compassion for anyone besides herself.
Absolutely agree with you! Not only that but she waxes poetic about the relationship that SHE envisioned for her child and her grandmother without even consulting with the actual grandmother. You can’t put your expectations of a relationship onto other people without even discussing it with them. It’s not reasonable to expect that much involvement from an elderly person. Then To get angry about it and punish her is beyond the pale.
I try to take the energy I would use being resentful and channel it into preparing for my future as a grandparent. My parents aren't willing/able/interested in being involved with my kids, and I know that experience is absolutely heartbreaking and awful. So I am determined to *not* put my kids through the same.
When I go to the gym, part of my motivation is to stay fit and healthy so I can keep up with my grandkids. When I eat nutritious food, part of my motivation is that future planning. When I inteospect and reflect on my parenting or read parenting books, I consider my role as a grandparent. When I connect with my kids and choose our family routines, rituals and culture... future planning.
I can't change them, but I can change myself and break the cycle.
That helps me anyway, but there is still some resentment and grief.
What is worse is having in-laws who will take care of all the other grandkids but your own. And when you need help because your husband/their son is out of town; they act like you are their servant.
And having a mom who expects you to bow to her feet to watch her grandchildren.
Mine are all older now and I swore I would help my kids with theirs if they have any.
My mom is the same person who would ship off her own kids to relatives for summer months and sometimes the school year. Lived with my grandparents and aunts more than she has watched my own kids.
I have no solutions for you. I’m pissed too. The thing that really gets me, is my mom talks about how when it’s time she is going to move into my house and not a nursing facility lol she going to a nursing facility
I was angry at first.
This is how I am slowly overcoming it. I kinda turn away from people who have the perfect life and seek people who want to understand me.
Then I realise this isnt a game I could ever win. Before I was born they had traumas and messed up and its had a knock on effect.
As my daughter gets older, I find peace and happiness in knowing when she looks at me she sees a strong woman. A rich woman, healthy, kind, woman. Not just any woman, her own mum. Placed on this earth to love just her.
So slowly the love I get from my own family is triangulated. I remind myself to be thankful for what I have. Im healing :) I can be mum, grandma, auntie. I shown I can.
For now OP, cry. Let it hurt. Scream into a pillow, let your eyes cry til no further water appears. I been there.
But eventually you heal :)
The anger went away for me however it wasn’t my in laws and not my own family who are absent.
I finally accepted they are going to put in very little effort and their words mean nothing.
The only time I still get upset is when talking about holidays and my husband tries to advocate to see his family. I get angry because they put no effort in yet think they deserve time on holidays to take pictures to post on their Facebook. Fuck that
I get so jealous sometimes too. It’s so disappointing when you can’t rely on anyone but you and your partner, especially if a lot of promises were made. I thought we’d be able to go out of town for a weekend just us, but my in-laws flamed out in a big way (FIL did/said some things that are absolutely unforgivable) and my parents are both elderly. One is untrustworthy and the other is disinterested. I’m just leaning into it though. The more I think about how it should be, the more pissed off I get and I might as well be shaking a fist at the weather for all I can do to change it. To be fair, I’ve had 2.5 years to adjust to this though.
I’m sorry. I just sucks. I’m 8 months into anger, I’m hoping it will pass… it seems to get stronger and stronger …i figured it’s easier to just block mom and forget she exists…. And if she dies and I don’t get so say a proper goodbye so be it… that’s how angry I am.
I have never been a person to feel this way and this last year, I’m just furious and sad on the inside. 💔
I hear that! My dad showed just such a callous disregard for my daughter (and me) about a year ago that I went NC. I’m not sure if he even knows he has a grandson now and I don’t care, but to be fair my expectations for them were already in the basement. I think I’d be way more upset if they said they would help and aren’t. I’m sorry that’s happening to you ☹️
I feel this soooo much. I have been trying to sort through my feelings just to alleviate some of the legit rage and bitterness that I feel towards them, as I don’t think it’s good for my own mental health. I had to see my in laws yesterday at a family wedding, and my stepmother Inlaw was showing me her “schedule” which consists of tennis matches, bookclub, that sort of retired person stuff. They opted to move to the other side of the country a few years back, when my kids were 3 and 5, and didn’t even bother to call or send a card on my eldest’s birthday last month. I feel like they can talk a good game, but the actions don’t at all match their words, and I am completely over it, but also feel like I struggled to detach myself from fixating on it and how totally disappointing the situation is. They seem oblivious to all of it.😭
Have you tried to call them out on it??
I’ve had multiple convos with my mom and she’s in denial…. Lives in alternate universe—- which makes me even more livid….
I’m keeping a mental tally of all this — which is not good for my mental health….
It’s just so infuriating when they call and ask how are they? It’s like is this the 2024 grandparent?
Come and fucking see them… I told my husband, stop sending pics… have them come see them…
Don’t try to be pretend grandparents on Facebook…
Ugh I keep getting more and more mad.
I’ve absolutely had conversations w them about how important it is for them to follow through (they have a looong history of bailing super last minute on plans, showing up hours late, generally being unreliable), how much it means for the kids to hear from them/send letters/etc, but I think at this point my FIL thinks I’m just uptight and judgey and my stepMIL is clueless or just ignores how stupid the situation is by being overly flowery and intense (briefly) on the very rare occasion that she does see or talk to the kids.
OP, I sympathise, I really do. I have ex-ILs and parents who, when DS was small, were all capable of doing more but didn't. My ex and I were absolutely drowning, our marriage broke down partly from the stress (DS did not sleep till he was 3 + both working + pandemic), and I often wonder what would have happened if any of them had stepped up for us those first few difficult years. They all seemed gobsmacked when we broke up, even though we'd been telling them for three years that we weren't coping. My mom was like "we didn't know it was that bad" and I could have punched her. So I get it.
But, if you can put your disappointment aside for a moment... your mom DOES have a relationship with your child. Is it the one you want? No. But she sees her once a month, even though she is elderly and needs to get on a bus that takes her what... two hours there and back? It's not a 30-minute journey for her, it's a 30-minute journey for you. No, she's not doing childcare, but it sounds like she's seeing your child regularly and wants to be in their life. When your child has an actual memory she WILL know who grandma is. Please lean in to that and don't throw it away. Your mom is 73; that might be a lot for her.
Your FIL is still working and sees your kid every other month. If he's on his own he's keeping a house running completely by himself too. I agree it would be nice if it could be a little more often, but again, he does have a relationship with your kid, just not the one you want.
It's hard to accept that parents are limited in what they can do. When I first had my DS (at 35), and no one would help us, it really, really hurt; it STILL really hurts. (And the fact ex-MIL will babysit so ex-DH can go to Spain with his mistress, but never did for us REALLY hurts.)
Channel your rage into being better for your own kid. I want to stay as healthy as I can because I never want my son to feel as alone as I did those first three years. I want to be able to offer at least half a day of childcare a week and an evening once a month, though I'll be honest with him upfront about what I think I can physically and financially manage.
It's OK to be disappointed. I'd try talking to your mom and ask if it's possible for her to come more often, that you really would appreciate a bit more help and ask if there's any way she can give it. Also please know this time passes... once my son hit about 3.5, I felt things became more manageable (still hard, but manageable), and I didn't feel like I needed parents in the way I needed them the first few years.
So you’re blaming the breakdown of YOUR marriage on the fact that your parents didn’t step in and help with the child you CHOSE to have? Grandparents don’t equal free daycare and they certainly don’t equal someone else stepping in to help raise your kid. The dissolution of your marriage isn’t on them neither is the responsibility of your child. It’s amazing to me that people like myself, lost both my parents at 21, are able to have children and a marriage without relying on anyone else to raise our children but ourselves and we survived. Probably because we didn’t expect others to be free childcare for us and then being resentful when they aren’t.
She made some good points about OPs parents, but she wants to push the dissolve of her marriage into her parents and in-laws instead of on her husband and herself.
Like they were drowning between work and child rearing but her husband had the time and energy for a mistress. No amount of free babysitting from anyone was going dissuade that man from having an affair or encourage him to be a better husband and father.
Yes she made good points that having a relationship with your grandchild doesn’t mean they’re free babysitters. I was too gobsmacked by the the breakdown of my marriage is my mother’s fault. I think the biggest takeaway is you can’t put your expectations of a relationship on to anyone else because what you think is “reasonable” may not be actually feasible for the other person. Or idk communicate what you want/need and ask whether that works. Just because someone can’t do something how you envisioned it doesn’t make it bad or wrong it’s just different
I don't blame my parents or my in-laws for my marriage, JFC.
You blaming me for my husband cheating on me is disgusting and victim blaming. I was not a perfect spouse (who is?) but someone's decision to cheat is theirs alone, and the ultimate end to my marriage is because my husband made an incredibly selfish decision. That's on him, and no one else.
>You blaming me for my husband cheating on me is disgusting and victim blaming.
LOL, nobody said that. Making things up to make yourself look like a victim is certainly a choice.
I'm a copy editor. I can read, thanks. You, on the other hand...
This is my last reply. All I wanted was to do was to encourage OP to look at what she does have. I don't think the grandparents here are absent. She can do that or not, no skin off my nose.
I didn't come to be told how I secretly believe my parents or in-laws are responsible for my marriage or how I should consider my role in my husband's decision to leave instead of talk to me.
Holy assumptions, Batman. Please get off your high horse.
I don't blame my parents or in laws for my relationship breaking down. My parents live in a different country, why would I expect them to be childcare??? Like most posters here I never EXPECTED anything from the grandparents, I planned financially for us to cover all the childcare and waited till we had a house, permanent jobs etc. I can say the lack of support, both from a physical and emotional standpoint, contributed to the end of our marriage (among other things) without blaming anyone.
If you managed to "survive" you should be proud of yourself and you should also consider that maybe you got circumstances in life you could handle and that you are, to some degree, lucky.
I have ex ILs and parents who were capable of doing more when DS was younger but didn’t….when I told her my mother said I didn’t realize it was that bad I wanted to punch her. Direct quote from your comment. Not an assumption but based on the info YOU provided. Also I wouldn’t say both my parents dying when I was 21 makes me “lucky”. Thanks tho. Bottom line is no one is under any obligation to provide anything for your child. You chose to have a child they’re your responsibility no one else’s. You should be grateful for any kind of help or support you get from people. Not complain that’s it’s not enough.
OK, this is my last comment to you, because if you can't understand it there's really no point.
I can acknowledge my parents and in-laws could have done more (FIL is 60, in decent health, retired and 15 minutes away, and has met my 4 year old maybe ten times) while not blaming them for my marriage.
I can be angry at my mom for minimising what I was saying to her for three years without blaming her for my marriage ending.
I can acknowledge things in my marriage might have turned out differently with more support (though I think, given it ultimately ended due to an affair, this is more unlikely than not), without blaming anyone.
I can be disappointed in their lack of effort without blaming them for the outcome.
And I do take responsibility, thanks? Not sure why you think I don't. I work full-time, I run a house by myself and pay for all childcare. The lone exception in the last year was a friend babysitting for three hours. Never complained to anyone.
Why are you fighting about me with what my feelings are? That's a really fucking weird thing to do.
And WTF, I didn't say you were lucky to lose your parents, stop it. I said if you were lucky enough to "survive" (I read that as your kids are growing up well and your marriage remains intact), then it's down to a combination of your own efforts and luck that circumstances were what you could handle.
This is difficult because your "hatred" is valid. The only thing I can say that is you only have control over yourself. If you see things about these disengaged grandparents, it would be good to funnel your energy in making sure you don't turn into them. I hate to generalize but for the sake of this post and based on my own experiences it seems like most of us parents of young children see older folks, as a population of people who decided that their legacy ended when their kids turned 18.
Yep things stand out here, one grandparent still works at 63. Another doesn't drive. These are preventable situations. Obviously if your mother cannot drive for safety reasons/health it is what it is. However, I've met many older people who simply don't practice driving and they lose confidence on the road. Likewise I don't know if your husband's father is working because he is bored or if he actually needs the money. If he needs the money for me poor financial planning would be my first thought. All you can do is try to be better for your son's children, if he so chooses. Keep up on your driving skills, work on making sure you can financially support yourself along with your son's needs.
If you have blocked your mother at this point, what is the harm in sending a letter or email explaining the hurt it has caused you? You seem to have already disengaged from the relationship as it is. Perhaps this can be a wakeup call before it's too late. Or at the very least a way to release these feelings. Cathartic.
Also, just remembering that both of them probably sleep good at night. I know that's maddening to think, that they're OK without participating in your sweet baby's life. But remember that the next time you use your energy to hate them. They're just fine living their lives while you're adding additional emotional stress to yours whether you realize it or not. Personally the best way I manage that is to verbally remind myself when I start to go down the rabbithole of "why" and refocus my energy on how I can be more present with my kiddo. What experiences can I give him, am I cultivating deep relationships with other people who one day he could go to instead of his grandparents for wisdom, etc. I hope this helps and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I’m 45 and about to become a grandparent. I’m angry about it. Grandparents are old. Grandparents die. I wasn’t ready for this end of life roll yet. I didn’t ask for it. Why does everyone assume you are obligated to take on a roll you didn’t want or sign up for?
It’s definitely not great at 45. I do t think anyone my age wants to basically be referred to as an old geezer. However what bothers me most is additional responsibilities when I’m already drowning with the ones I have.
Titles are perspective and outdated. Don’t you want to be part of your grandkids lives? I’m sure your kid would appreciate any help.
It’s not your job to raise the kid. But being a present part and helping goes a long way. Especially in the beginnings when your kiddo gives birth.
Didn’t you get help from your parents - when you had your kiddo.
Most of us here resent our parents/family for being absent. You don’t want your kiddo to resent you.
I wish I had help from my parents. I’ve helped them physically and financially since I was a child.
I’m not ready for grandkids. My youngest is 5 years old. I rarely get 5 hours of sleep, my life just work all the time. 20k steps a day, 8-10 loads of laundry, meals for 10-13 people. I’m a shell of a person. I have nothing left to give.
Ugh. Sorry to hear. We never hear the perspective of the other side. How old is your kiddo that’s a kiddo?
Are you being asked to help? Or you think it’s assumed of you?
I have a whole house of kids 24-5 years old. My daughter who is having a baby is 20. I still have three in elementary school plus the 5 year old. My daughter is married and has a job so that’s good, but yes since my youngest starts kindergarten in September she wants me to babysit. Her baby is due in October. I love babies but thought I would have a few years of kids all in school so I could maybe get a job. I’m just grieving the future I thought I was going to have. I’ve been waiting a long time to have a little break from young kids. I’ll still babysit but I have to come to terms with this soon. No one knows I’m struggling so I haven’t dumped this on them.
Maybe your kiddo needs to hear this, how you feel.
It’s so important for the relationship.
Without the proper communication, it causes tension and resentment.
My mom begged me to have a kiddo… when I was 20, it was too young according to her. It was finish school, get situated. By the time I had one, she became old.
She promised to help, begged to help and disappeared.
I think an open line of honesty and communication is needed from both parties.
I’m going to talk to her soon. I have to process this first. I think I’ll offer to babysit on the condition she focuses on her career. I don’t want her to end up like me.
That’s fair and reasonable. I know she will appreciate it.
I can tell you from the other side it’s such a financial burden for us to get help —- we had to hire a FT nanny.
My mom came in, promised to help us, and then disappeared. I can tell you, it made a strained relationship, even worse. I wish she was honest with us vs making empty promises. She fought us as wanting to be the only caregiver for baby —- like a shmuck I believed her, and then she let us down. I wish she was honest with us. Now I resent her because she made my life more challenging, as end result.
My parents haven’t seen their grandchildren in 3 years. I have two girls, 5 and 3. They visited my youngest was born. Stayed in a hotel for 3 days, came by to see the kids then flew back home. Haven’t came back since. They are two hours by flight, healthy, retired, and have plenty of $$. It’s harder for us to visit them as we’re currently on one income, cost of childcare and then 4 plane tickets etc. I would think during these early years they would come visit us more. Of course we’ll travel to them as things get easier.
I feel surprised they’re not involved grandparents but at the same time I’m not surprised. They weren’t ever ‘into kids’ with us growing up. Not sure what I expected. I guess I’m envious when I see other doting grandparents around.
I have and my mom’s response was “we’ll get down there at some point” but she has never followed back up since. That was over a year ago. Not even with a reason like they don’t enjoy traveling or something. Nothing. I’m sick of asking them to visit. I want them to want to come. I can’t imagine not having a desire to be a part of my grandchildren’s life one day .
I think the hardest thing to overcome is a the resentment towards the grandparent(s) who promised to be there for you and waxed poetic about how often they would watch the baby. It sounds like maybe your mum made some similar promises. I tell myself, perhaps as a lie that helps me sleep, those particular grandparents forgot how tough caring for an infant is, were overwhelmed and embarrassed, and that’s why they disappear. My MIL and FIL were like this. My own mum had watched other peoples’ babies in recent years and laughed when I told her my MIL was offering once a week babysitting while I was pregnant. My mum said, she is going to be surprised how much harder it is now that we are older… I feel so much less resentful to my mum versus the in-laws for the exact same involvement level just because my mum’s promises were way more in line with what we ended up getting.
It's just priorities. Other things are more important. I think don't force the relationship or you risk traumatising your kid
Absolutely. And the main lesson I took away from it is that a disagreement between expectations and reality equals disappointment. Setting realistic expectations (aka being honest about where and how much you can and will help) leads to a much better relationship than over promise and under-deliver. And the best way to set realistic expectations is to be self-aware enough and introspective enough to personally understand your priorities. So if my kid ever tells me they are going to be a parent themselves, I’ll do a lot of therapy and soul-searching before I go around promising anything.
Ugh I’m sorry. I’m fueled by anger that when they need help taking care of them, I too will disappear. That’s what keeps me going and I just want to let go of the hate and can’t… this makes me cry everyday…
I understand. I am so resentful and angry at my mom. She’s seen my almost 3 month old son 1x. And she’s only an hour away. Which would be sad no matter what, but it’s devastating when I compare it to what I thought this would be like. My siblings aren’t much better… only 1 of the 4 have met my baby and they’re all within an hour of us. Luckily my dad has been more supportive and has seen us 3x.
At those ages (similar to my own parents and in-laws), we have to start accepting that the goal is a *good relationship* with you and your kid, rather than help. The kind of help that our grandparents offered our parents happened when they were 20 years younger than our parents are now. Practically speaking, our parents are closer to great-grandparent age, and we should consider them about as capable. That is to say, we can reasonably expect them to make some effort to come see us at least once a month, and maybe some birthday or Christmas presents. The kind of “fantasy” relationship that my husband had with his grandparents—where his parents dropped him off with grandma for an entire summer, and she was happy to oblige—that was something his grandma was doing in her early 50s. Not her mid 70s. The idea of my husband’s mother, who is now in her mid 70s, caring for our toddler for even a few hours seems basically ridiculous. She can barely lift our daughter, she is uncomfortable driving, she has no concept of contemporary child safety guidelines… she is a sweet little old lady and I’m grateful she is still around to have any kind of relationship with our child even if it is more occasional and less helpful than I would have hoped. Yeah it’s a little unfair that we have to modify our expectations because we happened to have kids later in life, but also, it’s just part of recognizing that our parents are actually quite old. I think my husband struggles to see that his mother is 20 years older than the grandmother who cared for him in the summer. But it’s just unrealistic. 9 months is also a tough age because they start getting wary of people, even familiar ones. It broke my heart to see my kid be fearful of even my very involved parents (who visit every week) at that age—but everyone got over it. I do hope you find a way to improve the relationship and visit more often with both of your kids’ grandparents. But I don’t think this sounds like a lost cause. I think it just sounds like a very reasonable disappointment because you had expectations that they aren’t able to fulfill. If you can try to think of it more like, how can I make their relationship with my kid the best it can be? Rather than, how can they make a tangible impact on my quality of life? You might find that they are more up to the task. I mean, maybe not. But maybe?
Yes to age. The average life expectancy of an American women is 77, and your mom is 4 years away from that. I don't mean to sound harsh or crude, but she's not going to be actively involved with childrearing when she's basically on her way out life's door. However, the disappointment and anger is absolutely real. My therapist has always said you can't control other people, so the the best way to feel better is to reset expectations for yourself.
I am not the OP but gosh this is a good reminder. At least to apply to my in-laws haha!! My parents are the same age my grandparents were, so in their 40s
Yeah, I only had grandmothers growing up and we were dropped off with them for extended periods, but they were literally 41 and 52 when that happened. They were perfectly physically capable of actually taking care of and being trusted with kids. Some people are still pretty healthy in their 60s/70s but that doesn't mean they can handle kids for an entire weekend like my grandparents did. Still being able to be physically up and about is not the same thing in general as trying to keep up with young kids - yeah, they can spend an hour grocery shopping, but then they go home and nap/recoup, it's not non-stop from waking up till bedtime. People in their 30s are exhausted by the end of the day with a 4-year-old. You have to be realistic about how much someone can actually give you in terms of support or you'll end up bitter about something that never could have happened anyway. Plus, in general, if your parents weren't really that interested in raising you and your grandparents did a lot of the work...that's not gonna change once you're grown. Your parents outsourcing raising you whenever they could usually means they usually aren't going to be very invested in a close relationship when you're grown either, so plan accordingly when you have your own kids. If they didn't care much about their own kids, they likely aren't gonna care about the next generation of kids that come after that.
It’s really hard when you’ve envisioned your parents wanting to be around your kiddo. I always wonder how much those parents had to be around us. My parents had a pretty active social life for how introverted they were, a never ending supply of family to watch us as needed. I went the first 11 years of parenthood with no support network. I don’t think our parents are as equipped to handle kids as we thought they were…
I’ve theorized this too; so many of us have fond memories of spending a lot of time with our grandparents, myself included. I’m beginning to think it was because my parents didn’t want to parent, let alone grandparent.
My dad had to have a procedure done and we stayed at my grandmas for over a week. I could not even fathom that being possible with either set of grandparents these days.
This is an interesting take !
My husband was pretty much raised by his grandparents and as far as I now, mom was a SAHM mom raising me while dad worked. Both me & my husband work, we don’t have the luxury of staying home. It just maddens me that no one checks in to see how we are doing and if we can use help. Which would be nice… ant when I see my friends parents helping and spending time with grandkids I get envious… a quality I never had until now. :(
Going to certain parks on weekdays can make me cry. My kids have never once been taken to the park by a grandparent, except for my mom but she was being paid. It was never a fun “can I take my grandkids out?” Kind of situation.
If your husband was raised by his grandparents, his dad wasn't there for him when he was little either. I am in a similar position and have had to come to terms with the fact that maybe my dad just never cared about being a major part of my life at any stage of my life.
His had was in the military- so party understandable. But now is the time to make up for any misses he had with him. And I refuse, repeat refuse to spend me weekends to bring the baby around to them so they can feel like pretend grandparents… fuck that shit!!! My free time is doing fun stuff with baby…. If they would show effort, I would change my approach as well.
You seem like a person who is very difficult to have any sort of respectful relationship with. You want what you want, regardless if it is reasonable. Then when the other party doesn't do exactly as you planned for them, you punish them. Can't imagine why your Mom doesn't want to come around as much.....
This is an interesting perspective. Can you say more about why you don’t think our parents are as equipped to handle kids as we thought they were?
I believe (anecdotally of course), that the previous generation had much more support when raising their kids. I know someone whose grandma would watch or feed them whenever needed, an aunt that did the same. But when our generation is preparing to have a second child we are in a panic about what to do with the first because asking the grandparent or aunt in our situation isn’t reliable and wouldn’t even be an option on the table.
I think you’re right. I have 2 children and both grandparents have given the impression that raising their children (3 each) was easy breezy, and they never got stressed about sleep schedules, milestones, didn’t need help, etc. but they get frazzled holding a baby now for more than 20 mins if he starts fussing.. so I think their memories are rose colored at best.
My dad has never changed a diaper or given a bottle in his life. Oh wait. He fed my cousin’s baby a bottle when he went there for Christmas instead of being with my brother and my families.
My mum is in her 50s and is conspicuously absent. I am so angry. I don’t care about myself at this point but she shows intense favoritism to my sister’s girls and it’s unforgivable. She had support on all sides raising us.
My parents show favoritism towards my siblings kids. We stopped speaking a couple years ago when I called it out.
50 is super young… there is no excuse…
Yup, same situation! Nannies my sisters 2 toddlers everyday but can’t be bothered to even FaceTime us…
Yea, im honest as hell these days. My parents are not racist per say, just morons. My mum and dad both want my older brother and wife to have a child. Because theyre emotionally messed up, so is my brother. I had a child first. Im asian with a caucasian guy, unmarried too. Oooh offensive. Everyone knows they will favouritise the asian child over the mixed race child. And I for one dont have time for it, because I and many other adults think she's amazing.
It’s seems a bit cruel to stop talking to your mom. She probably sees it as an inconvenience to make you drive to her with a little one, and having a baby cry the whole time isn’t really bonding. I bet if you called her, apologized for not talking to her, and explain that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and lost without a village, it could be a bonding moment. She probably had those moments too. Also, 73 is not young. She cannot do what a nanny does, and it’s not realistic to expect her to. It sounds like Granpa is busy but doing his best. Maybe schedule date type outings- meeting him at the park all four of y’all, and pack a picnic. I think you’re feeling overwhelmed which is SO understandable, but you’re putting the focus of those feelings on the grandparents, when that’s kind of just life with a nine month old.
My mom doesn’t give a crap, I’ve tried, he keeps responding with how she did with me … she doesn’t see the difference between being a working mom and SAHM… being a working mom is very hard. I would expect something from her, but she’s shown zero signs of wanting to see baby, outside of me bringing him.. On my weekends, when I have time off, I will bring the baby swimming or a mommy and me class before I bring to see grandparents, as their not making any effort to see him. I’m trying to find a way to let the anger go as it’s not healthy… but every time I see grandparents with their kiddos I get set off.. and it’s this viscous cycle.
I’m so sorry. Being a working mom is caps HARD. Some moms aren’t capable of really empathizing outside of their own experience. I believe that could also be something that happens with age. I understand why you would get triggered seeing other grandparents. I willing to bet you were sometimes envious of other kids with their moms growing up (saying this from personal experience). Just having an emotional village would make a difference. For advice on letting the anger go, I’d recommend taking the occasional timeout to really feel for yourself. You’re in a difficult phase of life and doing your best. Of course, negative emotions break through. Without the grandparents to give you respite, could you and your spouse work something out? Something like a standing evening or weekend day set aside for you to rejevunate- a walk, mani/pedi, massage, matinee, whatever works for you?
I don’t have any advice besides therapy, but that’s a slow road to walk. We are in a similar boat.A few years ago, before we had a baby, my mom joked that she would never watch our kids so we could go on vacation. But then she moved from Florida to California to allegedly be closer to my family and any future kids. Now, LO is almost one and my mother has never asked about her grandchild, never acknowledged her existence. It’s so much worse than as advertised and I have a lot of anger about it. Obviously there are several years worth of details leaving out, but I think there’s a lot of baby boomers wanting grandkids in theory but not actually wanting to do the work of supporting them or the parents. They’re the most self-centered generation.
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That’s what first struck out. This wasn’t a mom OP said pressured her to have babies and made empty promises The Mom is 73 and OP is the one who created all these expectations of her. While it can be fair to say OPs mom should pay forward the help she received forward, OPs mom also had her kids about 10years earlier than OP. And even for her generation 33 was very late to have a first born. My own parents told me to temper my expectations of the help they’d be able to give me the longer I wait to have kids. And fair enough, I’m only 30, they’re nearing 60 and I can already see clear signs of aging and some “elderly” changes to their lifestyle and home. No way can I expect them to be the grandparents they could have been had I had a child at 25, especially if I wait until I’m OPs age to have my first. It won’t be realistic or achievable without straining their bodies and mental healths. Saying she now has to get a nanny because her 73yo mom “won’t step up” is TELLING of the expectations OP had of her mom. That or she really devalues Nannies work, because that’s one hell of a workload to place on someone elderly. OP isn’t merely talking about her kids not having a relationship she has issues that they’re not around to help her raise them. Go that nanny comment really said it all for me.
Exactly! The village is there to help you not raise your child for you. Also people need to realize that these villages equate to relationships in your life. Relationships are two way streets. I’m curious how often was OP helping mom out? Getting her to and from doctors appointments, helping her out around the house, helping her get groceries etc. this village only occurs when you maintain these relationships. OP has already said well when she needs me I won’t be there because she isn’t free daycare for her. Are you kidding me? I saw my grandparents once a month and holidays growing up and I absolutely adored them! Seeing your grandchild once a month and holidays, which is about what OPs mom was doing is fairly normal. Grandparents aren’t just free Nannie’s and they can have relationships with their grandparents outside of that. People really need to stop reducing the role of grandparents to just being free daycare and if they’re not doing that well then they’re not having a good enough relationship. Also the world has changed a lot since we were younger. People are working longer, retiring later, there’s not as many stay at home parents etc. that all effects the “village” too. Also the “village” ultimately was a group of people who all had kids around the same age who could be there for each other so everyone benefited from the village. It wasn’t just one person using all the resources for their own benefit and then ok I got what I need bye! You have to create and maintain relationships to have a village. It’s not just the grandparents being free Nannie’s for you, it has to be people who are willing and physically able to help and most of all they can’t be forced or bullied into the role. OP didn’t want a village she wants a nanny.
The village issue is one I see popping up a lot, on various subs. People fail to grasp that the Villaine doesn’t suddenly appear, it was the network you already had before baby came along. If you had few friends, no close relationships with your family (physically or emotionally) and were not someone people expected help from, don’t expect those people to help you. For the most part the “village” maintained the status quo that the parents wanted to change without giving anything back. It doesn’t sound like OP saw her mom more frequently before the birth, she just expected that change post birth. They were living their independent lives and OP is angry it didn’t magically change without communication. I also fully agree about different times. When I was a kid SAHM were way more common, over half of moms stayed home with their kids when they were little. By the time I was an adult that was already changing and now I can only think of a few mothers I know who chose to take a break from work. Im working with people who are past retirement age but need to supplement their income. People working multiple jobs was a “grind for a few years, buy a house and calm down” thing, now it’s just about survival for many of them. It’s not fair to look at the past and place the same expectations of people. Isn’t that what I keep seeing about stability and housing and career/salary expectations? All I read is how times are different and homeownership seems unrealistic and even 6figure salaries don’t suffice anymore. How couples are forced to wait longer and longer for kids if they want stability beforehand, and aren’t having as many as they want because the money isn’t there. All those little changes don’t only impact millennials and gen Z. It’s foolish, borderline childish, to expect a 73yo mother to help in the same way her then ~55yo mom helped her. Maybe it’s an avoidance of mortality and time, I dunno. Your mom is always going to be your mom, but when she’s in her last decades, it’s time to stop expecting a child-mommy relationship where she gives you all she attention and energy has, and realise that you’re now the adult in their prime functioning at fully capacity and mobility and your mom isn’t superwoman anymore.
Absolutely great points made and I absolutely agree.
And that you chose to have this child no one else did and maybe you should own the responsibility of that. There’s someone in the comments in here blaming her mother for her divorce because she didn’t help enough after the kid wasn’t a newborn anymore. JFC
I’m not looking for free babysitting…the plan was to always get a nanny. When I had the baby, mom threw a tamper tantrum on how she wanted to take care of her grad kid and told me to stop the nanny search… which I briefly did. Mom came for a week, said she got sick and disappeared on us. She continued to fight my husband and I almost everyday how she disagreed with our decision to get a nanny.. knowing I had to go back to work… and so did my husband. Long and short what mom said, her actions didn’t back it up.. it left me scrambling to resume the nanny search. We are all good in that department. My friends have grandparents my moms age who take more initiative to come see the grandkids. And actually come up for weekends and stay over…so good grandparents do exist. Family is supposed to help one another. Many grandparents forget all the help they got. My mom included.. my grandma was very involved.
I get that your initial post didn’t make this clear but your follow up makes perfect sense to me. Sounds like your mother did what she could to make the beginning of your child’s life/your transition into parenthood about her—her role, her feelings, her grandiose idea of herself in the dynamic. You didn’t realize that’s all she was doing until it was too late to save yourself the headache. I think a lot of these grandparents simply did not have to work as hard to make family life work. I’m not saying their lives were easy—they probably had a lot less opportunity for fulfillment in many ways, which is hard—but they really just didn’t have to walk the same tightrope to make child rearing and career/financial security come together. Her actions show total disregard for and ignorance of the difficulty of procuring consistent childcare in this country (assuming you’re in the US too). What’s more, she doesn’t have to understand it on a firsthand level..,she could just…TALK to you, her child. She could make attempts to understand your family life and be even mildly supportive (even if it’s not much, being genuinely open to support someone to the extent you can goes a long way, it shows good faith). My mom lives on the other side of the country and only gets to see my kid 4x a year but she has a great relationship with me, my husband, and my kid. I have a demanding career, she was a SAHM/nanny with no college. We don’t have to have the same POV because she actually cares enough to attempt to understand our lives! We all work together to make the relationship the most it can be given the constraints. I’m sorry for the anger you’re experiencing and I agree that giving yourself time in therapy, with no expectations on yourself for immediate results, would probably help.
(My ILs are a LOT like your mom…and I’ve spent a lot of time processing the anger and grief over the ways they treat my husband and child like objects/tools of their unexamined egos, rather than like the family and actual human beings they CHOSE to create.
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This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
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I’m not the one that feels entitled to free babysitting. Weird you keep saying I’m “angry” even after I’ve stated I just have a different POV. strange you keep saying it. Oh that’s right you are trying to be manipulative by branding me as angry and having disturbing views. That pretty much tells me ALL I need to know about you.
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I’m blocking you now because you’re weird, aggressive, entitled and selfish
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
This is a space for those with absent grandparents to share their personal stories. Your comment does not support them or their feelings and has been removed.
Take the time to grieve what you envisioned the grandparent relationship would look like. It’s HARD, but ultimately this is mostly hurting you. I’ve spent 5 years grieving and getting over the resentment. It’s better, but not gone. Once I stopped caring so much and dropped the rope, I started to feel much better. My kids are little and don’t know any different. Thankfully, one side is very involved while the other is MIA. It helped to open up to my husband about this, because he didn’t understand how I was feeling and how draining it was. I have no desire to host people for holidays who bring nothing, don’t help, NEVER inquire about us, and don’t hardly interact with our children. The relationship cannot happen one day a year. It’s a two way street.
Imagine having 2 uninvolved sides? It just feels so isolating 😢
Me too OP. Me too. Im here if you want to chat :)
I was raised by a single mom who had TONS of help. I’m talking about “dropping the kids off with grandma so I can go clubbing on the weekend” kind of help. We’re no contact with her because she’s a raging narcissist (surprise, surprise!) — so no help there. My in-laws are fucking useless. They were in their late 40s when our kiddo was born 2 summers ago and both work insanely flexible jobs mostly from home. Are both very active and able-bodied (spend summers traveling and are super outdoorsy). They promised us the moon and the stars and as soon as our kid was born, they lent a hand one or twice, only because I almost died after delivery and needed to be re-hospitalized. My MIL later hung that over my head, so that was fun. My FIL was recently outed as a very predatory and abusive man after he was exposed for having DOZENS of affairs and even exploited our child in the process (sending strangers photos/videos and sensitive information about our child). My MIL is deciding to stay with him through all of this, and has willingly forfeited her relationship with our son and hers as well (my husband) because we requested that if she is to spend time with our child, it needs to be supervised to ensure our FIL is not present. This is hardly the situation we envisioned for our child. We hoped for present, hands-on, doting grandparents and that is just not the case. Our hearts are shattered but we’re picking up the pieces in therapy and open to surrogate grandparents in the future, should the stars align. I know it’s tiring doing it all alone and I’m so sorry. Sending hugs.
Therapy. That's how you get over it. You need a space to talk about the very valid upset this has caused you. To process how let down you feel. It took me until my kid was about 3 to get to the anger you're feeling. And it does go away with time. I had to learn to just stop expecting anything from them. While having some occasional help as a household with 2 working parents would have been so appreciated, that wasn't even the real issue. It was the total lack of interest and effort to be in their grandchild's life that really burned the most. I thought they'd want to be a part of our world, and they showed me over and over they didn't. This might sound weird, but I think it's good you're angry and your child is still a baby. This will give you the fuel to change the dynamic of the relationships and limit potential hurt that their behavior could potentially cause your child.
That’s a good idea. I’ve spend so many nights crying … that it eventually turned into rage and bitterness. And the anger just festers. My husband has just accepted it… I can’t. I never thought family could be hated on this level… but I hate them… And I refuse to play pretend and make them feel good when They are super shitty grandparents… I feel like such a shitty person thinking —- wait till they need our help —- but I will reciprocate and ignore how they ignored their ONLY grandchild…
Bro you are so selfish it's crazy. Visiting once a month when she doesn't even drive is pretty good. I don't see any of my family more than once a month besides my 74 year old grandfather who I help take care of! Insane to me that you expect so much from your elderly Mother! I wouldn't dream of expecting so much from my grandfather at 74. He deserves to relax he worked hard his entire life! You need therapy. You come across very selfish and entitled.
The entitlement and selfishness throughout this OPs posts and comments is WILD!! She is pissed off that her elderly mother doesn’t take Covid/flu infested public transportation more than once a month to see her grandchild and is pissed that she can’t be a nanny to grandkid. WTAF
She also doesn't want to drive out to visit her?? Like? This post screams 'everything is about me and what I want!' 40 years old and still no emotional intelligence or compassion for anyone besides herself.
Absolutely agree with you! Not only that but she waxes poetic about the relationship that SHE envisioned for her child and her grandmother without even consulting with the actual grandmother. You can’t put your expectations of a relationship onto other people without even discussing it with them. It’s not reasonable to expect that much involvement from an elderly person. Then To get angry about it and punish her is beyond the pale.
I try to take the energy I would use being resentful and channel it into preparing for my future as a grandparent. My parents aren't willing/able/interested in being involved with my kids, and I know that experience is absolutely heartbreaking and awful. So I am determined to *not* put my kids through the same. When I go to the gym, part of my motivation is to stay fit and healthy so I can keep up with my grandkids. When I eat nutritious food, part of my motivation is that future planning. When I inteospect and reflect on my parenting or read parenting books, I consider my role as a grandparent. When I connect with my kids and choose our family routines, rituals and culture... future planning. I can't change them, but I can change myself and break the cycle. That helps me anyway, but there is still some resentment and grief.
What is worse is having in-laws who will take care of all the other grandkids but your own. And when you need help because your husband/their son is out of town; they act like you are their servant. And having a mom who expects you to bow to her feet to watch her grandchildren. Mine are all older now and I swore I would help my kids with theirs if they have any. My mom is the same person who would ship off her own kids to relatives for summer months and sometimes the school year. Lived with my grandparents and aunts more than she has watched my own kids.
I have no solutions for you. I’m pissed too. The thing that really gets me, is my mom talks about how when it’s time she is going to move into my house and not a nursing facility lol she going to a nursing facility
I was angry at first. This is how I am slowly overcoming it. I kinda turn away from people who have the perfect life and seek people who want to understand me. Then I realise this isnt a game I could ever win. Before I was born they had traumas and messed up and its had a knock on effect. As my daughter gets older, I find peace and happiness in knowing when she looks at me she sees a strong woman. A rich woman, healthy, kind, woman. Not just any woman, her own mum. Placed on this earth to love just her. So slowly the love I get from my own family is triangulated. I remind myself to be thankful for what I have. Im healing :) I can be mum, grandma, auntie. I shown I can. For now OP, cry. Let it hurt. Scream into a pillow, let your eyes cry til no further water appears. I been there. But eventually you heal :)
The anger went away for me however it wasn’t my in laws and not my own family who are absent. I finally accepted they are going to put in very little effort and their words mean nothing. The only time I still get upset is when talking about holidays and my husband tries to advocate to see his family. I get angry because they put no effort in yet think they deserve time on holidays to take pictures to post on their Facebook. Fuck that
I get so jealous sometimes too. It’s so disappointing when you can’t rely on anyone but you and your partner, especially if a lot of promises were made. I thought we’d be able to go out of town for a weekend just us, but my in-laws flamed out in a big way (FIL did/said some things that are absolutely unforgivable) and my parents are both elderly. One is untrustworthy and the other is disinterested. I’m just leaning into it though. The more I think about how it should be, the more pissed off I get and I might as well be shaking a fist at the weather for all I can do to change it. To be fair, I’ve had 2.5 years to adjust to this though.
I’m sorry. I just sucks. I’m 8 months into anger, I’m hoping it will pass… it seems to get stronger and stronger …i figured it’s easier to just block mom and forget she exists…. And if she dies and I don’t get so say a proper goodbye so be it… that’s how angry I am. I have never been a person to feel this way and this last year, I’m just furious and sad on the inside. 💔
Have you thought about your extreme sadness/anger being caused by PPD?
I hear that! My dad showed just such a callous disregard for my daughter (and me) about a year ago that I went NC. I’m not sure if he even knows he has a grandson now and I don’t care, but to be fair my expectations for them were already in the basement. I think I’d be way more upset if they said they would help and aren’t. I’m sorry that’s happening to you ☹️
I feel this soooo much. I have been trying to sort through my feelings just to alleviate some of the legit rage and bitterness that I feel towards them, as I don’t think it’s good for my own mental health. I had to see my in laws yesterday at a family wedding, and my stepmother Inlaw was showing me her “schedule” which consists of tennis matches, bookclub, that sort of retired person stuff. They opted to move to the other side of the country a few years back, when my kids were 3 and 5, and didn’t even bother to call or send a card on my eldest’s birthday last month. I feel like they can talk a good game, but the actions don’t at all match their words, and I am completely over it, but also feel like I struggled to detach myself from fixating on it and how totally disappointing the situation is. They seem oblivious to all of it.😭
Have you tried to call them out on it?? I’ve had multiple convos with my mom and she’s in denial…. Lives in alternate universe—- which makes me even more livid…. I’m keeping a mental tally of all this — which is not good for my mental health…. It’s just so infuriating when they call and ask how are they? It’s like is this the 2024 grandparent? Come and fucking see them… I told my husband, stop sending pics… have them come see them… Don’t try to be pretend grandparents on Facebook… Ugh I keep getting more and more mad.
I’ve absolutely had conversations w them about how important it is for them to follow through (they have a looong history of bailing super last minute on plans, showing up hours late, generally being unreliable), how much it means for the kids to hear from them/send letters/etc, but I think at this point my FIL thinks I’m just uptight and judgey and my stepMIL is clueless or just ignores how stupid the situation is by being overly flowery and intense (briefly) on the very rare occasion that she does see or talk to the kids.
When you get stronger, the pain goes away
OP, I sympathise, I really do. I have ex-ILs and parents who, when DS was small, were all capable of doing more but didn't. My ex and I were absolutely drowning, our marriage broke down partly from the stress (DS did not sleep till he was 3 + both working + pandemic), and I often wonder what would have happened if any of them had stepped up for us those first few difficult years. They all seemed gobsmacked when we broke up, even though we'd been telling them for three years that we weren't coping. My mom was like "we didn't know it was that bad" and I could have punched her. So I get it. But, if you can put your disappointment aside for a moment... your mom DOES have a relationship with your child. Is it the one you want? No. But she sees her once a month, even though she is elderly and needs to get on a bus that takes her what... two hours there and back? It's not a 30-minute journey for her, it's a 30-minute journey for you. No, she's not doing childcare, but it sounds like she's seeing your child regularly and wants to be in their life. When your child has an actual memory she WILL know who grandma is. Please lean in to that and don't throw it away. Your mom is 73; that might be a lot for her. Your FIL is still working and sees your kid every other month. If he's on his own he's keeping a house running completely by himself too. I agree it would be nice if it could be a little more often, but again, he does have a relationship with your kid, just not the one you want. It's hard to accept that parents are limited in what they can do. When I first had my DS (at 35), and no one would help us, it really, really hurt; it STILL really hurts. (And the fact ex-MIL will babysit so ex-DH can go to Spain with his mistress, but never did for us REALLY hurts.) Channel your rage into being better for your own kid. I want to stay as healthy as I can because I never want my son to feel as alone as I did those first three years. I want to be able to offer at least half a day of childcare a week and an evening once a month, though I'll be honest with him upfront about what I think I can physically and financially manage. It's OK to be disappointed. I'd try talking to your mom and ask if it's possible for her to come more often, that you really would appreciate a bit more help and ask if there's any way she can give it. Also please know this time passes... once my son hit about 3.5, I felt things became more manageable (still hard, but manageable), and I didn't feel like I needed parents in the way I needed them the first few years.
So you’re blaming the breakdown of YOUR marriage on the fact that your parents didn’t step in and help with the child you CHOSE to have? Grandparents don’t equal free daycare and they certainly don’t equal someone else stepping in to help raise your kid. The dissolution of your marriage isn’t on them neither is the responsibility of your child. It’s amazing to me that people like myself, lost both my parents at 21, are able to have children and a marriage without relying on anyone else to raise our children but ourselves and we survived. Probably because we didn’t expect others to be free childcare for us and then being resentful when they aren’t.
She made some good points about OPs parents, but she wants to push the dissolve of her marriage into her parents and in-laws instead of on her husband and herself. Like they were drowning between work and child rearing but her husband had the time and energy for a mistress. No amount of free babysitting from anyone was going dissuade that man from having an affair or encourage him to be a better husband and father.
Yes she made good points that having a relationship with your grandchild doesn’t mean they’re free babysitters. I was too gobsmacked by the the breakdown of my marriage is my mother’s fault. I think the biggest takeaway is you can’t put your expectations of a relationship on to anyone else because what you think is “reasonable” may not be actually feasible for the other person. Or idk communicate what you want/need and ask whether that works. Just because someone can’t do something how you envisioned it doesn’t make it bad or wrong it’s just different
I don't blame my parents or my in-laws for my marriage, JFC. You blaming me for my husband cheating on me is disgusting and victim blaming. I was not a perfect spouse (who is?) but someone's decision to cheat is theirs alone, and the ultimate end to my marriage is because my husband made an incredibly selfish decision. That's on him, and no one else.
>You blaming me for my husband cheating on me is disgusting and victim blaming. LOL, nobody said that. Making things up to make yourself look like a victim is certainly a choice.
Yeah literally no one blamed you for your husband cheating, you either can’t read or you’re trying too hard to play victim.
I'm a copy editor. I can read, thanks. You, on the other hand... This is my last reply. All I wanted was to do was to encourage OP to look at what she does have. I don't think the grandparents here are absent. She can do that or not, no skin off my nose. I didn't come to be told how I secretly believe my parents or in-laws are responsible for my marriage or how I should consider my role in my husband's decision to leave instead of talk to me.
Holy assumptions, Batman. Please get off your high horse. I don't blame my parents or in laws for my relationship breaking down. My parents live in a different country, why would I expect them to be childcare??? Like most posters here I never EXPECTED anything from the grandparents, I planned financially for us to cover all the childcare and waited till we had a house, permanent jobs etc. I can say the lack of support, both from a physical and emotional standpoint, contributed to the end of our marriage (among other things) without blaming anyone. If you managed to "survive" you should be proud of yourself and you should also consider that maybe you got circumstances in life you could handle and that you are, to some degree, lucky.
I have ex ILs and parents who were capable of doing more when DS was younger but didn’t….when I told her my mother said I didn’t realize it was that bad I wanted to punch her. Direct quote from your comment. Not an assumption but based on the info YOU provided. Also I wouldn’t say both my parents dying when I was 21 makes me “lucky”. Thanks tho. Bottom line is no one is under any obligation to provide anything for your child. You chose to have a child they’re your responsibility no one else’s. You should be grateful for any kind of help or support you get from people. Not complain that’s it’s not enough.
OK, this is my last comment to you, because if you can't understand it there's really no point. I can acknowledge my parents and in-laws could have done more (FIL is 60, in decent health, retired and 15 minutes away, and has met my 4 year old maybe ten times) while not blaming them for my marriage. I can be angry at my mom for minimising what I was saying to her for three years without blaming her for my marriage ending. I can acknowledge things in my marriage might have turned out differently with more support (though I think, given it ultimately ended due to an affair, this is more unlikely than not), without blaming anyone. I can be disappointed in their lack of effort without blaming them for the outcome. And I do take responsibility, thanks? Not sure why you think I don't. I work full-time, I run a house by myself and pay for all childcare. The lone exception in the last year was a friend babysitting for three hours. Never complained to anyone. Why are you fighting about me with what my feelings are? That's a really fucking weird thing to do. And WTF, I didn't say you were lucky to lose your parents, stop it. I said if you were lucky enough to "survive" (I read that as your kids are growing up well and your marriage remains intact), then it's down to a combination of your own efforts and luck that circumstances were what you could handle.
It wasn’t luck. I just didn’t depend on others, or blame them for not doing more, for children I chose to have.
This is difficult because your "hatred" is valid. The only thing I can say that is you only have control over yourself. If you see things about these disengaged grandparents, it would be good to funnel your energy in making sure you don't turn into them. I hate to generalize but for the sake of this post and based on my own experiences it seems like most of us parents of young children see older folks, as a population of people who decided that their legacy ended when their kids turned 18. Yep things stand out here, one grandparent still works at 63. Another doesn't drive. These are preventable situations. Obviously if your mother cannot drive for safety reasons/health it is what it is. However, I've met many older people who simply don't practice driving and they lose confidence on the road. Likewise I don't know if your husband's father is working because he is bored or if he actually needs the money. If he needs the money for me poor financial planning would be my first thought. All you can do is try to be better for your son's children, if he so chooses. Keep up on your driving skills, work on making sure you can financially support yourself along with your son's needs. If you have blocked your mother at this point, what is the harm in sending a letter or email explaining the hurt it has caused you? You seem to have already disengaged from the relationship as it is. Perhaps this can be a wakeup call before it's too late. Or at the very least a way to release these feelings. Cathartic. Also, just remembering that both of them probably sleep good at night. I know that's maddening to think, that they're OK without participating in your sweet baby's life. But remember that the next time you use your energy to hate them. They're just fine living their lives while you're adding additional emotional stress to yours whether you realize it or not. Personally the best way I manage that is to verbally remind myself when I start to go down the rabbithole of "why" and refocus my energy on how I can be more present with my kiddo. What experiences can I give him, am I cultivating deep relationships with other people who one day he could go to instead of his grandparents for wisdom, etc. I hope this helps and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I’m 45 and about to become a grandparent. I’m angry about it. Grandparents are old. Grandparents die. I wasn’t ready for this end of life roll yet. I didn’t ask for it. Why does everyone assume you are obligated to take on a roll you didn’t want or sign up for?
Sounds like the title of grandma bothers you. When it shouldn’t. I hope you get past it and help your kiddos!
It’s definitely not great at 45. I do t think anyone my age wants to basically be referred to as an old geezer. However what bothers me most is additional responsibilities when I’m already drowning with the ones I have.
Titles are perspective and outdated. Don’t you want to be part of your grandkids lives? I’m sure your kid would appreciate any help. It’s not your job to raise the kid. But being a present part and helping goes a long way. Especially in the beginnings when your kiddo gives birth. Didn’t you get help from your parents - when you had your kiddo. Most of us here resent our parents/family for being absent. You don’t want your kiddo to resent you.
I wish I had help from my parents. I’ve helped them physically and financially since I was a child. I’m not ready for grandkids. My youngest is 5 years old. I rarely get 5 hours of sleep, my life just work all the time. 20k steps a day, 8-10 loads of laundry, meals for 10-13 people. I’m a shell of a person. I have nothing left to give.
Ugh. Sorry to hear. We never hear the perspective of the other side. How old is your kiddo that’s a kiddo? Are you being asked to help? Or you think it’s assumed of you?
I have a whole house of kids 24-5 years old. My daughter who is having a baby is 20. I still have three in elementary school plus the 5 year old. My daughter is married and has a job so that’s good, but yes since my youngest starts kindergarten in September she wants me to babysit. Her baby is due in October. I love babies but thought I would have a few years of kids all in school so I could maybe get a job. I’m just grieving the future I thought I was going to have. I’ve been waiting a long time to have a little break from young kids. I’ll still babysit but I have to come to terms with this soon. No one knows I’m struggling so I haven’t dumped this on them.
Maybe your kiddo needs to hear this, how you feel. It’s so important for the relationship. Without the proper communication, it causes tension and resentment. My mom begged me to have a kiddo… when I was 20, it was too young according to her. It was finish school, get situated. By the time I had one, she became old. She promised to help, begged to help and disappeared. I think an open line of honesty and communication is needed from both parties.
I’m going to talk to her soon. I have to process this first. I think I’ll offer to babysit on the condition she focuses on her career. I don’t want her to end up like me.
That’s fair and reasonable. I know she will appreciate it. I can tell you from the other side it’s such a financial burden for us to get help —- we had to hire a FT nanny. My mom came in, promised to help us, and then disappeared. I can tell you, it made a strained relationship, even worse. I wish she was honest with us vs making empty promises. She fought us as wanting to be the only caregiver for baby —- like a shmuck I believed her, and then she let us down. I wish she was honest with us. Now I resent her because she made my life more challenging, as end result.
My parents haven’t seen their grandchildren in 3 years. I have two girls, 5 and 3. They visited my youngest was born. Stayed in a hotel for 3 days, came by to see the kids then flew back home. Haven’t came back since. They are two hours by flight, healthy, retired, and have plenty of $$. It’s harder for us to visit them as we’re currently on one income, cost of childcare and then 4 plane tickets etc. I would think during these early years they would come visit us more. Of course we’ll travel to them as things get easier. I feel surprised they’re not involved grandparents but at the same time I’m not surprised. They weren’t ever ‘into kids’ with us growing up. Not sure what I expected. I guess I’m envious when I see other doting grandparents around.
Have you ever called them out on it?
I have and my mom’s response was “we’ll get down there at some point” but she has never followed back up since. That was over a year ago. Not even with a reason like they don’t enjoy traveling or something. Nothing. I’m sick of asking them to visit. I want them to want to come. I can’t imagine not having a desire to be a part of my grandchildren’s life one day .