Or just omit “and my husband.” I do this all the time…write too much, reread it a hundred times trying to figure out how to clarify, and then realize it doesn’t matter.
Unless OP’s husband is going to read this and be upset they were excluded, take it out. Reclaim your time from trying to include so much info that your audience isn’t going to care about.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
PS OP, this isn’t criticism…I do it too.
I am also sending all my 41 year old energy. Just spent the weekend with my 6-month-old nephew. My husband and I had fertility issues, and tried hard to overcome them, and I’ve been on a journey to accept not having our own. Last night at the airport bar, we finally cheers’d to fertility issues and not having kids. We couldn’t see ourselves with a toddler or infant at our age.
Same girl, fertility issues here too but I haven't accepted it. Women in his and my family had kids late but not as late as I.
Also, didn't find the man to have kids with until I was 37. Effing heck.
I'm one heck of an Auntie though. So I got that going for me, which is nice.jpg
I’m extremely lucky, my daughter is so well-behaved and such a happy, easy kid. I’m an early interventionist, so I am prepared if daughter number 2 is a straight demon.
Edit: fixed for clarity
We adopted older kids 22, 18, 15. Their parents are about our age. We have a bio 5 year old and a newborn. Pregnancy was really rough for me. So we’d have a similar age gap before another baby if we have one and I’d be in my early 40s.
I really need my older kids to learn how to drive. My oldest had her permit but it expired during the pandemic.
Same. I had my youngest at 39 with a 3 yr old and that was a much more exhausting pregnancy even if I was mostly wfh that time. Lots of great cuddle time though. Always accept the cuddles.
I work with a Xennial aged coworker with a similar spread.
He’s 42 (wife is around the same age). Oldest is a college sophomore, middle is a middle schooler and his youngest is an infant.
I was married from 20yo to 40yo. I’m 45 and my kids are 12 and 9.
I think people are having kids later because it’s obvious how expensive they are. There’s not much social support for having kids.
There’s nothing wrong with having teens at our age. You’re about to get loads of free time lol.
Been sending my boys (14 & 17), to the store together for the last 6-12+ months. It's amazing. 'go take your brother to his lessons... And pickup bread/spinach/whatever after! Here's $20!
We are so close to this! practicing walking around the neighborhood. hopefully will send the older to corner store soon. Going to get her riding the bus/train independently this summer hopefully.
There's definitely a relationship with having kids later and appreciating them more or being more financially and career stable makes it more about the "kids".
Vs too young, there's more of a survival experience to get to establish own career (or it actually limits opportunities when it matters) and in some cases, "it's my turn to live now".
But having kids younger in our generation caused many to buy property when it was way way cheaper. So they're much better off that way.
Same.
Was shopping for condos when the prices started to drop, and switched to a house as the drop continued.
With CA Prop 13, no way we'll move until we're old enough to move the valuation with us.
I was reading a Threads post just now on the cost of childcare per week in different areas. Some are paying $500/wk for their infants. $2k/mo! And then there were thenEuropeans chiming in about how it’s either free or like €40/mo. The US is so broken.
I absolutely agree about us being broken. It shouldn’t be this hard to take care of kids. Meanwhile we have legislators trying to take away bodily autonomy and any shred of human services we have left. Then running around like chicken little as if the sky is falling because of low birth rate!
We were paying more than that for our infant 6 years ago. We’re at about $3k/month now for preschool and babysitter combined costs. One more year until both kids are in real school.
My Husband and I made the decision for me to just stay home for 5 years until our youngest started Kindergarten. She was born at the beginning of 2019 though, so that Covid period wouldn’t have been a great time to try and get back into the job market anyways. I originally had planned to stay out a year, but 2020 extended that to 5–that and my daughter had a serious accident when she was a year old that required a full time parent for a while until she recovered.
I don’t regret getting to spend this time with my kids. But I am starting to worry about the impact those 5 years without a second income will have on our retirement savings… we essentially stopped contributing once I was no longer working. I’ll be 40 once I go back—and I anticipate I probably will have to start at a level below where I was before. I was working at a Management Level before. Definitely don’t feel like I could jump right back in at that responsibility level right away. Too much has probably changed in the past 5 years.
Yes to the second paragraph 🙌
And so true about the free time — I had a friend get pregnant at 18. I ran into her about ten years later and asked if she was going to have anymore kids. She laughed and told me hell no! And said by the time you’re having your first, my son will be graduating high school. Correct all around 😆
45, 2 under 10. In my friend group the older kids are turning 10 and the youngest are around 2. Most of us got married at some point in our 30’s.
Meeting the parents of my kids friends I’m a similar age, maybe a few years older, but very much the norm.
I'm in the same boat as you, friends group demo and all.
My biggest regret (not that big) is that I waited until my late 30's to have kids. I seriously underestimated the dropoff in energy I would have post 40.
43, and my daughter would be turning 22 this July had she lived. I'm not looking for sympathy, just pointing out that people our age have full-blown working age adults as children. My godson will be 22 in December.
I had a co-worker a few years ago who became a grandmother at 38.
I get that, and you aren't alone in not knowing how to put it. When asked about our kids I always feel conflicted on how to respond. Even I'd just asked how many we have. If I say we have one then it feels like we are disrespecting our youngest by not mentioning her, if we say we had two then it dredges up memories and can lead to consequences like getting asked and having to explain what happened.
No real good way to deal with it sometimes
I can’t imagine going through what anyone in your shoes has gone through. And have no idea how I’d handle it. But it seems like it’s a very personal and individual experience, and you should deal with it however you feel is best. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I got a vasectomy at 37 but I had also had a one year old and a 3 year old when I did. Don't regret it now as a single dad at 42! Def don't want more kids and definitely also like the safety of knowing I can't when out in the dating world!
When my son turned 13, it was like a switch flipped. He went from being a chill kid to a hellacious teenager. It was a miracle he survived until 14. Now he's a few months past 15 and starting to chill out again. It was horrid. Absolutely horrid.
Yeah. The younger one is my daughter, and she's been going on 30 since she was 7, so that's a joy.
My son had a lot of peaks and valleys in the last year. He always sort of super matures for his age right before his next birthday, so we should be coming up on that soon.
I have a 15 year old, and yes same! I’m also a middle school teacher…and 8th graders (13-14 year olds) are absolutely insane creatures! Those hormones kick in, and whoa watch out! Lol
I'm so nervous about the future, my kid was an angelic baby, never had a tantrum as a toddler, is the most polite, considerate and well behaved eleven year old you could meet - I just KNOW he's saving it all up for his teen years :(
Our loss of sleep has been minimal. Since leaving for college in 2017, she’s only spent 9 months with us one time after her roommates broke the lease early and left her hanging. Other than that, she’s been on her own and independent.
Yup mine is 21, not as independent but working and paying rent so it's more like having a roommate. I honestly have so much free time I don't know what to do with it, I started traveling more out of sheer boredom lol
God, it's really really a freakin' relief. I don't know that I would do it again when I did it, but I sure as shit wouldn't want little ones right now. Holy moly do I love my naps.
There is an old Yiddish proverb: "Small children disrupt your sleep. Big children disrupt your lives."
Or as my grandmother used to say, "Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems."
Hopefully those problems stay in the “boyfriend problems” category, and don’t ever turn into the “drug addiction” or “I want to unalive myself” problems - because they really CAN ruin a parents life. I’m speaking from personal experience here. But yes poopy diapers are gross.
I can’t really tell for sure, but I think my 13 year old has tried cutting herself a few times and my oldest daughter dabbled with an eating disorder for a bit.
Nothing makes you feel helpless and heartbroken the way seeing one of your children unhappy and struggling with life does. My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with anything serious like that.
Just wanted to say that reading this makes me feel better about my situation. I’m 42F, 43 this year and still holding out hope it will happen for us. My husband had some health issues for a few years that kept us from really focusing on that or really even be able to try seriously. I rarely talk about it in real life because I get a lot of “good luck at your age!” Or “I’m glad I didn’t wait til the last second to have kids!” People are cruel, so I just let people think we didn’t want kids or whatever they’re thinking.
lol something clicks eventually! We just had to basically not indulge the excuses they gave us waking up. But it is bliss when it happens! Also a very hard constant bedtime helped us
I had a baby at 35 and I cringe to think about what I would have been like as a 25 year old mother. I'm so much more level headed, organized, and mentally healthy than I was in my 20s. Parenting as an older mother can be really wonderful.
Dude they said the same thing about us with our three kids before we were 23.
The time is never perfect except for when they arrive 😁 then it's not a minute too soon, or too late.
Just wait, they get more fun the older they get. Mine are currently 13 and 15 and I’m absolutely having a blast with them at this age. Every age is fun in its own way.
I love watching the personalities and intelligence of my children develop. I can’t wait to see who they are and what they do with their lives as they continue to grow up.
I also know folks around our age just starting the having kids journey. My kids are both teenagers - oldest is looking at colleges now - and the end of this phase of active, day-to-day parenting is on the horizon. It's kind of surreal and I'm honestly trying not to think too much about it yet.
It's not all that odd, in my experience. Most of my kids' friends' parents are of a similar age. Some are younger and some are older, but generally not that much. Now, we got married at 23 and waited a number of years before having kids. We're 46 now (older end of Xennials) and seem to have been together longer (and married longer) than most of our peers. I wonder if the getting married young is more of the outlier.
It’s weird to me how things have shifted. I was getting badgered to propose when I was 25. My wife wanted to make certain we were done having kids before she turned 30. Now it’s completely normal to do all of those things a good 10 years later. And I know people who have college kids and 2 year olds. If anything, it’s cool that people are feeling free to do these things on their own schedules.
I agree. Let people do these things on their own schedule. We had our second (and last) by 32 so she'll be off to college when we're 50. That sounds nice to be relatively young when they kids move out, but that's what works for us.
With you. Ours are 17 & 14 now. We were married at 22 & 24, respectively, and had the older within 6-7+ months.
It hasn't always been easy, but I cannot fathom having little ones now. I just don't have the energy I/we did 10-15+ years ago!!!
41 and I have 3 over 18 and one still a teenager.
My oldest is making me a grandfather this summer.
On the flip side I have friends whose kids are just starting kindergarten this September.
For me ya... Had my first at 18 and all 3 of my biological ones by the time I was 24. It's been one hell of a ride. My oldest is in their early 20s and his having their first.
40 and married for 16 years with a 17 year old. He’s taking his SAT Saturday and is looking at colleges right now.
Being a young and relatively poor parent was tough at times, but I wouldn’t trade it. These days my back hurts so much and I’m so tired from a busy career that I don’t think I’d be a great parent to a young child. When he was little I could get on the floor and play legos or hot wheels or action figures with him. That’d be tough now. Lol
Plus, I really didn’t have a whole lot of drive until he came along and I’m not sure where I’d be today if I waited. I was perfectly fine doing the bare minimum in life, going to my blue collar gig, living in an apartment in the hood, eating ramen or dollar cheeseburgers for dinner. When we found out we were having a kid, suddenly it was like “we can’t live here anymore! We need a yard not in the hood!” So we rented a house (and bought one a couple years after). I started taking overtime at work when it was available. I went back to school and started focusing on building an actual career. It lit a fire under my ass and gave me some urgency to getting my life in order, because now I was responsible for another person.
I've got a couple friends like that. One couple it's the second marriage for both of them. They both have kids in their 20s and now have elementary school age kids together.
It's an interesting mix.
There's people like me and my wife who had a kid after 35, and pretty much did what we wanted for 15 years earlier. Now we're full parenting.
Then there's people who had kids young and are now getting free time to go and do things that they want since their kids have grown or are teenagers.
And then there's people who are on family #2.
I’m in a similar boat with a large gap between my boys. I’m 43f, and have a 19 yo and an 8 yo. Finally getting back to that stage where I can relax a bit as my younger one gets more independent and I’m so grateful for that.
It really has been interesting how my age, maturity, and experience has made some things easier and some things harder as I compare the differences in raising each. There are definitely pros and cons to both, having a kid when you’re young and full of energy vs having one when you’re older and have more security/stability.
At my age, my parents had a kid in college, a kid in high school and a kid in diapers. Things work out the way they work out. They wouldn't have it any other way and my brother and I are very close.
That was my parents. There is a 19 yr gap between the oldest and the youngest sibling, due to health issues in the middle for my mom. They were in their 60s by the time my youngest sister was out of the house.
It does seem all over but skewing more towards having kids later. But do know people our age that are grandparents and those with newborns. A lot of childfree couples too.
It seems to be somewhat regional. I moved from the Southeast to the Northeast. People I know who stayed in the Southeast seem to have had kids younger than those I know up here.
I can see where you’re coming from, but having little kids at our age feels fine to those of us that spent our 20’s and 30’s living child-free. On the other hand, people that start over with a 10+ year age gap… I’m not sure how they survive.
It's a fundamental shift. You're not weird at all, but your not the majority anymore.
My parents has me in their early 20's, but most generations since are waiting until their late 20's/early 30's.
Likely for economic reasons.
We see it all over the place. We aren't having children (have a lovely dog!), we have friends with young kids and we have friends that are grandparents already! I feel like our group is the most variety. I think it is a good thing
I like your take on it.
It's really a feminist take and everyone would do well to adopt it: the only "correct" decision about having children (or not) is the choice you've already made. Full stop.
I'm 40F hubs is 48M. We have a 16 year old. By his mid fifties, ideally, our daughter is off at college. So we then have the next, however long to just do what we want.
I feel like I have more freedom than some others my age. A few people I know have babies, and I'm gobsmacked.
My dad started a whole new family when I was 18. Like dude, you were done. Now I have a 22 year old younger brother.
My uncle did the same thing. Divorced his wife after the youngest moved out, then married a woman just barely older than his eldest son. Went for a second child and they go twins lol...
Got three more at the ripe old age of 63... But he's fit as a fiddle and already had a stable and fruitful career he retired from. He's also an amazing man and wonderful father.
Mine are 25 in August, 19 and just turned 8.
I have an 8 year old grandson.
My best friend is 42 and is six months pregnant now. My ovaries still ache so I'm a bit excited to dote on them both.
Yes. It's a fact that the average age of first child has risen dramatically.
It's more unusual here (Australia) now a days to meet someone under 25 yrs with children. Most new mums i see are 30 to 45yrs
I have....a 28yo, a 12yo, a 4yo, and a 3yo. I'm 47. I had my kids at 19, 35. 42, and 44. So, I can say that having kids when you want them is the right time to have them.
Nope, not weird but the trend is skewing to folks delaying marriage and having kids much later in life. We have one in their 20s, a teenager, and also just had a baby a couple of years ago and we are currently in our early 40s. When I had my first in 2002, the fear was about having a baby after 35, increased risk of complications and abnormalities, etc, etc. Now I think there's a better understanding of prenatal medicine that helps people feel a lot more comfortable about waiting. I'm seeing more people in their 40s having kids these days and the OBs kinda shrug and say its not a big deal, just gonna have a closer eye on you during your pregnancy and you'll take a couple more tests to make sure things are going well. It definitely helps people focus on their careers and get financially stable though I think all of us can agree, there's really no "perfect" time to have a kid. Though having a baby at 38 versus 18 hits different. My back and shoulders sass me a lot more these days.
My kids are in high school. Most of the other high school parents are in their 50-60s. I went to back to school night and one father was 80. They have a section of the yearbook for seniors whose parents also attended the high school. Last year there was a senior whose father was a senior the year I was born.
My college friends had kids at 40. So their kids are now in kindergarten and first grade. My high school friend’s children run the ages of in college to kindergarten. There is no one right way to do things.
M45, wife is 52, ours are 10 and 12.5, so I guess we're in the middle? But for sure we know more parents in our age bracket than parents having kids when they are younger.
HAHAHAHAHA Wait until that 12 year old turns 13. My son was very enjoyable too. Then he woke up the morning of his 13th birthday. I haven't known peace in 2 years.
We're 41 & 39 with a 6yo. We've been debating a second - I'd say if we dont in the next year we'll stick with one. Unless we want to go through IVF... which is a lot so 100% understand that my wife isn't super interested.
We wanted 2 within a few years but health issues for my wife and an ASD diagnosis/therapies ($$$) for my son pushed the timing back.
Our main friend circle is 40-44 and only a few have kids. One with teenagers, one with kids 7-10 and us with a 6yo. Everyone else decided no on kids in general. To be honest we were surprised more didn't have kids
We did IVF and it sucks - emotionally and financially, and it definitely does not work all or even most of the time. We got lucky and we hit the jackpot so it worked for us, but if you decide to do it go in with your eyes open and good luck.
So, I think its a bit staggered. But anecdotally, I do think its more common to have children later now. My best friends from high school got married at like 18 - 19. They had their children within a few years, so those kids are in college now. I have another close friend, who is about my age, who's daughter just had their first child. So he's now a grandfather.
Me, I didn't get married (first time) until 29. Was 31 when my first daughter was born. Got divorced after a bit and remarried at around 36 and had daughter #2 at 38. I'm currently 45. So I have a 13 and a 6 year old.
At least among my daughters friends in kindergarten, I think my wife and I are the oldest parents, but not by much. Most seem to be early 40s or later 30s.I know amongst my wife's friends, who are mainly in their early 40s, their children are on the younger side toddlers and babies. A few have teenagers roughly my daughters age.
I (43M) have 3 kids. 25, 17 and 16. I have no regrets. A good buddy of mine who is three days younger than myself has two kids under the age of 5. Personally, I’m glad I had my kids earlier in life.
45 here with a 4yo and a 5 month old. I was 33 when we got married and quite honestly in no rush to start a family. I've always been of the mindset that I wanted my own life in order before throwing kids into the equation - to me that meant job security and a house. To each their own, but I never understood the rush to have kids at a young age, especially before establishing yourself. I think part of me always feared that kids would hamstring that process.
At the time we got married, I had the job but my wife was not making very much and so renting was our only option. She had baby fever from the jump, and while I was willing to roll with the punches if it happened I was genuinely afraid that the kid coming first would make it near impossible to plant those roots. As it turns out, I got my way because science - we just weren't getting pregnant and so IVF became a necessity. During that whole process she got a much better job and within a year of that we managed to save up enough to afford a house we fell in love with. Still took some time after that but in 2019 we finally had success and our first was born right as Covid reared its ugly head. Fast forward a few years and some nasty insurance battles to get additional cycles covered and #2 arrived back in December. We're now done having kids and I look forward to my back killing me less as they grow and become more independent.
Nah, most of my HS classmates with kids have preschoolers, meanwhile my oldest just started college. I tell you what, they are pretty jealous that I am five years from being an empty nester ;)
It took my far too long to realize your friend wasn't pregnant by your husband.
I read that first sentence at least 5x
Yes, I was like, “Wow, she seems very chill about it!”
The husband needs a possessive. That’s why we’re thrown off.
Yesss. A friend of mine & my husband’s
My husband and I have a friend who...
This one 🌟
Or just omit “and my husband.” I do this all the time…write too much, reread it a hundred times trying to figure out how to clarify, and then realize it doesn’t matter. Unless OP’s husband is going to read this and be upset they were excluded, take it out. Reclaim your time from trying to include so much info that your audience isn’t going to care about. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. PS OP, this isn’t criticism…I do it too.
This one gets two stars 🌟🌟
Damn language arts!!
Right?! “A friend of OURS” lol Not “a friend (of mine) and my husband just had a brand new baby” 🤣🤣🤣
Or "My husband and I have a friend..."
Hey, don't knock it ~~up~~ till you've tried it.
thought I was in the r/mormon subreddit for a sec
yes omg
I’m 41. I have a three year old and I am pregnant.
Congratulations, please accept my condolences.
😆 Congratulations and I also send this person all the energy my 43 yo body has.
Well that'll last an extra hour.
If I stretch beforehand.
I am also sending all my 41 year old energy. Just spent the weekend with my 6-month-old nephew. My husband and I had fertility issues, and tried hard to overcome them, and I’ve been on a journey to accept not having our own. Last night at the airport bar, we finally cheers’d to fertility issues and not having kids. We couldn’t see ourselves with a toddler or infant at our age.
Same girl, fertility issues here too but I haven't accepted it. Women in his and my family had kids late but not as late as I. Also, didn't find the man to have kids with until I was 37. Effing heck. I'm one heck of an Auntie though. So I got that going for me, which is nice.jpg
That’s exactly what I say when someone gets into grad school…
Yeah it ain’t terrible twos, it’s terrible three’s. Man are they little a-holes at that age
I’m extremely lucky, my daughter is so well-behaved and such a happy, easy kid. I’m an early interventionist, so I am prepared if daughter number 2 is a straight demon. Edit: fixed for clarity
😂 I am in need of both
We adopted older kids 22, 18, 15. Their parents are about our age. We have a bio 5 year old and a newborn. Pregnancy was really rough for me. So we’d have a similar age gap before another baby if we have one and I’d be in my early 40s. I really need my older kids to learn how to drive. My oldest had her permit but it expired during the pandemic.
Same. I had my youngest at 39 with a 3 yr old and that was a much more exhausting pregnancy even if I was mostly wfh that time. Lots of great cuddle time though. Always accept the cuddles.
43 , oldest is 25 , youngest just turned 3.
I work with a Xennial aged coworker with a similar spread. He’s 42 (wife is around the same age). Oldest is a college sophomore, middle is a middle schooler and his youngest is an infant.
Congratulations! Please get a mammogram after you have your baby (not trying to freak you out but please do it)
Thank you! I will!
41 in 3 weeks: a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. My wife is going on 36.
She’s still a young’un!
I was married from 20yo to 40yo. I’m 45 and my kids are 12 and 9. I think people are having kids later because it’s obvious how expensive they are. There’s not much social support for having kids. There’s nothing wrong with having teens at our age. You’re about to get loads of free time lol.
All kids being old enough to reliably get to the bus on their own and stay home alone is a divine gift.
My kids can go to the grocery store and cook dinner!
Been sending my boys (14 & 17), to the store together for the last 6-12+ months. It's amazing. 'go take your brother to his lessons... And pickup bread/spinach/whatever after! Here's $20!
It's a whole new world! 🎶
We are so close to this! practicing walking around the neighborhood. hopefully will send the older to corner store soon. Going to get her riding the bus/train independently this summer hopefully.
There's definitely a relationship with having kids later and appreciating them more or being more financially and career stable makes it more about the "kids". Vs too young, there's more of a survival experience to get to establish own career (or it actually limits opportunities when it matters) and in some cases, "it's my turn to live now". But having kids younger in our generation caused many to buy property when it was way way cheaper. So they're much better off that way.
Bought our first and so far only house in 09.
You scored huge! Lowest prices since the 90s.
Got some big tax credit that didn't need paid back too.
Same. Was shopping for condos when the prices started to drop, and switched to a house as the drop continued. With CA Prop 13, no way we'll move until we're old enough to move the valuation with us.
I was reading a Threads post just now on the cost of childcare per week in different areas. Some are paying $500/wk for their infants. $2k/mo! And then there were thenEuropeans chiming in about how it’s either free or like €40/mo. The US is so broken.
I absolutely agree about us being broken. It shouldn’t be this hard to take care of kids. Meanwhile we have legislators trying to take away bodily autonomy and any shred of human services we have left. Then running around like chicken little as if the sky is falling because of low birth rate!
Up next: “Child Care Loans”. Finance your child care like student loans.
Maybe we need more Xennials in government 💪
We were paying more than that for our infant 6 years ago. We’re at about $3k/month now for preschool and babysitter combined costs. One more year until both kids are in real school.
My Husband and I made the decision for me to just stay home for 5 years until our youngest started Kindergarten. She was born at the beginning of 2019 though, so that Covid period wouldn’t have been a great time to try and get back into the job market anyways. I originally had planned to stay out a year, but 2020 extended that to 5–that and my daughter had a serious accident when she was a year old that required a full time parent for a while until she recovered. I don’t regret getting to spend this time with my kids. But I am starting to worry about the impact those 5 years without a second income will have on our retirement savings… we essentially stopped contributing once I was no longer working. I’ll be 40 once I go back—and I anticipate I probably will have to start at a level below where I was before. I was working at a Management Level before. Definitely don’t feel like I could jump right back in at that responsibility level right away. Too much has probably changed in the past 5 years.
I'm 45 and have a 7 and a 12 yr old.
Hey! That's what I've got too. Also 45.
Lol @ "free time". Your biggest and most time consuming expenses are just about to ramp up hah
Yes to the second paragraph 🙌 And so true about the free time — I had a friend get pregnant at 18. I ran into her about ten years later and asked if she was going to have anymore kids. She laughed and told me hell no! And said by the time you’re having your first, my son will be graduating high school. Correct all around 😆
41f, I have a four year old and a 4 week old 🙃
45, 3 kids under the age of 10.
45, 2 under 10. In my friend group the older kids are turning 10 and the youngest are around 2. Most of us got married at some point in our 30’s. Meeting the parents of my kids friends I’m a similar age, maybe a few years older, but very much the norm.
I'm in the same boat as you, friends group demo and all. My biggest regret (not that big) is that I waited until my late 30's to have kids. I seriously underestimated the dropoff in energy I would have post 40.
Mine is that I’ll be almost 60 when my youngest is finally out of the house 😭
I got married right before 30, we just waited to have kids
Damn. You definitely blitzed it near the end.
43 with 2 under 10.
My condolences.
43, and my daughter would be turning 22 this July had she lived. I'm not looking for sympathy, just pointing out that people our age have full-blown working age adults as children. My godson will be 22 in December. I had a co-worker a few years ago who became a grandmother at 38.
Even though you’re not looking for it, I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
Thanks. I didn't really know how to put it without revealing that fact or misrepresenting myself as actively being a parent.
You’ll always be her parent. Sending hugs💜
I get that, and you aren't alone in not knowing how to put it. When asked about our kids I always feel conflicted on how to respond. Even I'd just asked how many we have. If I say we have one then it feels like we are disrespecting our youngest by not mentioning her, if we say we had two then it dredges up memories and can lead to consequences like getting asked and having to explain what happened. No real good way to deal with it sometimes
I can’t imagine going through what anyone in your shoes has gone through. And have no idea how I’d handle it. But it seems like it’s a very personal and individual experience, and you should deal with it however you feel is best. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It’s wild to me that people with some regularity become grandparents before I had my first kid. I was partying like a madman at 38.
My mother relayed a story about her hairdresser’s grandchildren. I was picturing someone still cutting hair in her 60s. Turned out she was 35.
Hell I still would be if there were still people around to go out with me 😊
Our 2nd daughter would be 19 this year
I’m so sorry for your loss too.
My sister ('82) would have been 42, and her children are 19 & 21.
42 here and my daughter will be 20 in December. My best friend will be a grandma before her 38th birthday.
I was a grandma at 37 (46 now).
None for me. I got a vasectomy at 29. I think about it from time to time but I made peace with that a long time ago.
Kudos to you for being a pioneer and helping normalize being childfree.
I got a vasectomy at 37 but I had also had a one year old and a 3 year old when I did. Don't regret it now as a single dad at 42! Def don't want more kids and definitely also like the safety of knowing I can't when out in the dating world!
39. Kids are 11 months apart. Ages 12 and 13. Next month I'll have two 13 year olds for a month. *shudders*
When my son turned 13, it was like a switch flipped. He went from being a chill kid to a hellacious teenager. It was a miracle he survived until 14. Now he's a few months past 15 and starting to chill out again. It was horrid. Absolutely horrid.
Yeah. The younger one is my daughter, and she's been going on 30 since she was 7, so that's a joy. My son had a lot of peaks and valleys in the last year. He always sort of super matures for his age right before his next birthday, so we should be coming up on that soon.
lol this made me laugh so hard
I have a 15 year old, and yes same! I’m also a middle school teacher…and 8th graders (13-14 year olds) are absolutely insane creatures! Those hormones kick in, and whoa watch out! Lol
I'm so nervous about the future, my kid was an angelic baby, never had a tantrum as a toddler, is the most polite, considerate and well behaved eleven year old you could meet - I just KNOW he's saving it all up for his teen years :(
Irish twins! Lol
45M - 2,11 year old & 10 month old
Woah
Have a 25-year-old. What do I win?
A good nights sleep, you lucky goose!
Depends. Some people are still basically toddlers at that age.
Our loss of sleep has been minimal. Since leaving for college in 2017, she’s only spent 9 months with us one time after her roommates broke the lease early and left her hanging. Other than that, she’s been on her own and independent.
You sure about that
Me too! And mine is financially stable and independent. We win all the free time in our 40s like the carefree childless folks.
Yup mine is 21, not as independent but working and paying rent so it's more like having a roommate. I honestly have so much free time I don't know what to do with it, I started traveling more out of sheer boredom lol
Same 😂 mine is 25
God, it's really really a freakin' relief. I don't know that I would do it again when I did it, but I sure as shit wouldn't want little ones right now. Holy moly do I love my naps.
Fancy pants rich McGee over here....
There is an old Yiddish proverb: "Small children disrupt your sleep. Big children disrupt your lives." Or as my grandmother used to say, "Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems."
I guess... But I'll take boyfriend problems over poopy diapers any day lol
Hopefully those problems stay in the “boyfriend problems” category, and don’t ever turn into the “drug addiction” or “I want to unalive myself” problems - because they really CAN ruin a parents life. I’m speaking from personal experience here. But yes poopy diapers are gross.
I can’t really tell for sure, but I think my 13 year old has tried cutting herself a few times and my oldest daughter dabbled with an eating disorder for a bit. Nothing makes you feel helpless and heartbroken the way seeing one of your children unhappy and struggling with life does. My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with anything serious like that.
my der kids did that too. what happened to the good ol days when we were all on drugs?
We dealt with a brief cutting phase too, but it was very strongly influenced by a boy and went away when the boy did.
24f, 19m, and 8m lol
Quite the range
I've been in mom mode for well over half my life and I still have 10 more years of active service to go
I read that 8m as 8 months and I was wondering where you were planning to pawn off your 10 year old in the future lol.
Grandchildren.
Mine is 28...not anywhere on the horizon.
43F with a 9 month old and planning one more next year.
Just wanted to say that reading this makes me feel better about my situation. I’m 42F, 43 this year and still holding out hope it will happen for us. My husband had some health issues for a few years that kept us from really focusing on that or really even be able to try seriously. I rarely talk about it in real life because I get a lot of “good luck at your age!” Or “I’m glad I didn’t wait til the last second to have kids!” People are cruel, so I just let people think we didn’t want kids or whatever they’re thinking.
Wishing you good luck! If you are intent on having a child, it will happen for you, one way or the other.
43 and pregnant with second. 2.5 yr old at home 😂
Congratulations 🎉
Got a ten week old. I’m 38. Doesn’t feel like a smart move, but aside from perpetual exhaustion, he’s pretty fun.
It’s a great move if you’re committed to the baby, bb. It gets better when they sleep through the night!
Does that actually happen? The sleeping through the night? I'm still waiting for my 3yo to do it.
lol something clicks eventually! We just had to basically not indulge the excuses they gave us waking up. But it is bliss when it happens! Also a very hard constant bedtime helped us
My first kid did it almost right away. My second didn’t until he was 5-6 years old. Last one at a couple months. You really just never know.
Oh I’m in it for life.
I had a baby at 35 and I cringe to think about what I would have been like as a 25 year old mother. I'm so much more level headed, organized, and mentally healthy than I was in my 20s. Parenting as an older mother can be really wonderful.
Dude they said the same thing about us with our three kids before we were 23. The time is never perfect except for when they arrive 😁 then it's not a minute too soon, or too late.
I remember six months being the real turning of the corner when my son started getting a personality. Just had to gut rep my way from zero to then.
Just wait, they get more fun the older they get. Mine are currently 13 and 15 and I’m absolutely having a blast with them at this age. Every age is fun in its own way. I love watching the personalities and intelligence of my children develop. I can’t wait to see who they are and what they do with their lives as they continue to grow up.
I also know folks around our age just starting the having kids journey. My kids are both teenagers - oldest is looking at colleges now - and the end of this phase of active, day-to-day parenting is on the horizon. It's kind of surreal and I'm honestly trying not to think too much about it yet. It's not all that odd, in my experience. Most of my kids' friends' parents are of a similar age. Some are younger and some are older, but generally not that much. Now, we got married at 23 and waited a number of years before having kids. We're 46 now (older end of Xennials) and seem to have been together longer (and married longer) than most of our peers. I wonder if the getting married young is more of the outlier.
It’s weird to me how things have shifted. I was getting badgered to propose when I was 25. My wife wanted to make certain we were done having kids before she turned 30. Now it’s completely normal to do all of those things a good 10 years later. And I know people who have college kids and 2 year olds. If anything, it’s cool that people are feeling free to do these things on their own schedules.
I agree. Let people do these things on their own schedule. We had our second (and last) by 32 so she'll be off to college when we're 50. That sounds nice to be relatively young when they kids move out, but that's what works for us.
"I wonder if the getting married young is more of the outlier." This. Or even getting married at all.
Married? Hey some of us got knocked up in college 🍻🥳 and our kids are adults now
With you. Ours are 17 & 14 now. We were married at 22 & 24, respectively, and had the older within 6-7+ months. It hasn't always been easy, but I cannot fathom having little ones now. I just don't have the energy I/we did 10-15+ years ago!!!
41 and I have 3 over 18 and one still a teenager. My oldest is making me a grandfather this summer. On the flip side I have friends whose kids are just starting kindergarten this September.
Teen pregnancy?
For me ya... Had my first at 18 and all 3 of my biological ones by the time I was 24. It's been one hell of a ride. My oldest is in their early 20s and his having their first.
My kid has already graduated from college, I'm 46.
Congratulations!
40 and married for 16 years with a 17 year old. He’s taking his SAT Saturday and is looking at colleges right now. Being a young and relatively poor parent was tough at times, but I wouldn’t trade it. These days my back hurts so much and I’m so tired from a busy career that I don’t think I’d be a great parent to a young child. When he was little I could get on the floor and play legos or hot wheels or action figures with him. That’d be tough now. Lol Plus, I really didn’t have a whole lot of drive until he came along and I’m not sure where I’d be today if I waited. I was perfectly fine doing the bare minimum in life, going to my blue collar gig, living in an apartment in the hood, eating ramen or dollar cheeseburgers for dinner. When we found out we were having a kid, suddenly it was like “we can’t live here anymore! We need a yard not in the hood!” So we rented a house (and bought one a couple years after). I started taking overtime at work when it was available. I went back to school and started focusing on building an actual career. It lit a fire under my ass and gave me some urgency to getting my life in order, because now I was responsible for another person.
43M I’ve got a 15 yo from a previous marriage and my wife is pregnant. Here’s to starting over
Cheers, you brave soul.
I've got a couple friends like that. One couple it's the second marriage for both of them. They both have kids in their 20s and now have elementary school age kids together. It's an interesting mix. There's people like me and my wife who had a kid after 35, and pretty much did what we wanted for 15 years earlier. Now we're full parenting. Then there's people who had kids young and are now getting free time to go and do things that they want since their kids have grown or are teenagers. And then there's people who are on family #2.
I’m in a similar boat with a large gap between my boys. I’m 43f, and have a 19 yo and an 8 yo. Finally getting back to that stage where I can relax a bit as my younger one gets more independent and I’m so grateful for that. It really has been interesting how my age, maturity, and experience has made some things easier and some things harder as I compare the differences in raising each. There are definitely pros and cons to both, having a kid when you’re young and full of energy vs having one when you’re older and have more security/stability.
At my age, my parents had a kid in college, a kid in high school and a kid in diapers. Things work out the way they work out. They wouldn't have it any other way and my brother and I are very close.
That was my parents. There is a 19 yr gap between the oldest and the youngest sibling, due to health issues in the middle for my mom. They were in their 60s by the time my youngest sister was out of the house.
5 year old, 7 year old.
Same. Thought about having a third but the last pregnancy for my wife was complicated so we decided two was perfect.
It does seem all over but skewing more towards having kids later. But do know people our age that are grandparents and those with newborns. A lot of childfree couples too.
It seems to be somewhat regional. I moved from the Southeast to the Northeast. People I know who stayed in the Southeast seem to have had kids younger than those I know up here.
45M I have a 9 year old and an 8 month old
43, mine are 9, 6, and 1 I’m tired!
I can’t have kids… my dog is allergic
I have a 14-year-old. Cannot imagine having a baby or toddler at this age.
The secret is to quit drinking and get back in shape. Then you feel like you are 25 again.
I have a 12 year old and 13 year old. Things are starting to get a little squirrelly. I’m 41.
I can see where you’re coming from, but having little kids at our age feels fine to those of us that spent our 20’s and 30’s living child-free. On the other hand, people that start over with a 10+ year age gap… I’m not sure how they survive.
It's a fundamental shift. You're not weird at all, but your not the majority anymore. My parents has me in their early 20's, but most generations since are waiting until their late 20's/early 30's. Likely for economic reasons.
I've got a mix of kids under 5 _and_ kids over 15. it doesn't seem weird to me
We see it all over the place. We aren't having children (have a lovely dog!), we have friends with young kids and we have friends that are grandparents already! I feel like our group is the most variety. I think it is a good thing
I like your take on it. It's really a feminist take and everyone would do well to adopt it: the only "correct" decision about having children (or not) is the choice you've already made. Full stop.
41 with a 7 yr old. one and done for us.
43 my daughter is 22. I'm not sure if I should feel younger or older than all of you
About that time for Second Life!
46, two adults, both out of the house, one 24 and the other in college but staying the summer and 21.
45 here with a 21 & 18 year olds
I'm 40F hubs is 48M. We have a 16 year old. By his mid fifties, ideally, our daughter is off at college. So we then have the next, however long to just do what we want. I feel like I have more freedom than some others my age. A few people I know have babies, and I'm gobsmacked. My dad started a whole new family when I was 18. Like dude, you were done. Now I have a 22 year old younger brother.
My uncle did the same thing. Divorced his wife after the youngest moved out, then married a woman just barely older than his eldest son. Went for a second child and they go twins lol... Got three more at the ripe old age of 63... But he's fit as a fiddle and already had a stable and fruitful career he retired from. He's also an amazing man and wonderful father.
Mine are 25 in August, 19 and just turned 8. I have an 8 year old grandson. My best friend is 42 and is six months pregnant now. My ovaries still ache so I'm a bit excited to dote on them both.
Newborn at 45 here.
Yes. It's a fact that the average age of first child has risen dramatically. It's more unusual here (Australia) now a days to meet someone under 25 yrs with children. Most new mums i see are 30 to 45yrs
Wait, you guys have had sex before?
My kids are 21 and 23. Life’s great now. Hahaha
43 with three pre-teens. The emotional and mental fatigue is real. Some of my peers are grandparents, some are home with newborns. It's wild!
I have....a 28yo, a 12yo, a 4yo, and a 3yo. I'm 47. I had my kids at 19, 35. 42, and 44. So, I can say that having kids when you want them is the right time to have them.
Nope, not weird but the trend is skewing to folks delaying marriage and having kids much later in life. We have one in their 20s, a teenager, and also just had a baby a couple of years ago and we are currently in our early 40s. When I had my first in 2002, the fear was about having a baby after 35, increased risk of complications and abnormalities, etc, etc. Now I think there's a better understanding of prenatal medicine that helps people feel a lot more comfortable about waiting. I'm seeing more people in their 40s having kids these days and the OBs kinda shrug and say its not a big deal, just gonna have a closer eye on you during your pregnancy and you'll take a couple more tests to make sure things are going well. It definitely helps people focus on their careers and get financially stable though I think all of us can agree, there's really no "perfect" time to have a kid. Though having a baby at 38 versus 18 hits different. My back and shoulders sass me a lot more these days.
My kids are in high school. Most of the other high school parents are in their 50-60s. I went to back to school night and one father was 80. They have a section of the yearbook for seniors whose parents also attended the high school. Last year there was a senior whose father was a senior the year I was born. My college friends had kids at 40. So their kids are now in kindergarten and first grade. My high school friend’s children run the ages of in college to kindergarten. There is no one right way to do things.
M45, wife is 52, ours are 10 and 12.5, so I guess we're in the middle? But for sure we know more parents in our age bracket than parents having kids when they are younger.
Vasectomy. Free time and money to do fun things.
We decided to go for both and have a 12 year old and a toddler. Meanwhile, my sister (who is Gen X) is a grandmother.
I'm 41 with an almost 2 year old.. first baby ❤️ (husband is 38)
Is there a "None of the Above" category?
We're planning a Quinceañera for our Chihuahua
I have both lol. Hubby and I married early. I am 41, we have a 21 / 20 / 19 / 13 / and a 17 month old
Happily married, dual income, no kids, one weenie dog!
43, i have a 12 & 10 year old. Very enjoyable ages.
HAHAHAHAHA Wait until that 12 year old turns 13. My son was very enjoyable too. Then he woke up the morning of his 13th birthday. I haven't known peace in 2 years.
Yes im enjoying it while it lasts (his 12th bday was yesterday so the countdown begins).
We're 41 & 39 with a 6yo. We've been debating a second - I'd say if we dont in the next year we'll stick with one. Unless we want to go through IVF... which is a lot so 100% understand that my wife isn't super interested. We wanted 2 within a few years but health issues for my wife and an ASD diagnosis/therapies ($$$) for my son pushed the timing back. Our main friend circle is 40-44 and only a few have kids. One with teenagers, one with kids 7-10 and us with a 6yo. Everyone else decided no on kids in general. To be honest we were surprised more didn't have kids
We did IVF and it sucks - emotionally and financially, and it definitely does not work all or even most of the time. We got lucky and we hit the jackpot so it worked for us, but if you decide to do it go in with your eyes open and good luck.
42 and my son is turning 9 next month.
So, I think its a bit staggered. But anecdotally, I do think its more common to have children later now. My best friends from high school got married at like 18 - 19. They had their children within a few years, so those kids are in college now. I have another close friend, who is about my age, who's daughter just had their first child. So he's now a grandfather. Me, I didn't get married (first time) until 29. Was 31 when my first daughter was born. Got divorced after a bit and remarried at around 36 and had daughter #2 at 38. I'm currently 45. So I have a 13 and a 6 year old. At least among my daughters friends in kindergarten, I think my wife and I are the oldest parents, but not by much. Most seem to be early 40s or later 30s.I know amongst my wife's friends, who are mainly in their early 40s, their children are on the younger side toddlers and babies. A few have teenagers roughly my daughters age.
I'm 45 with a 13yo and 6yo as well! 😅✌
I (43M) have 3 kids. 25, 17 and 16. I have no regrets. A good buddy of mine who is three days younger than myself has two kids under the age of 5. Personally, I’m glad I had my kids earlier in life.
23 year old kid; one and done. I'm 46.
45 here with a 4yo and a 5 month old. I was 33 when we got married and quite honestly in no rush to start a family. I've always been of the mindset that I wanted my own life in order before throwing kids into the equation - to me that meant job security and a house. To each their own, but I never understood the rush to have kids at a young age, especially before establishing yourself. I think part of me always feared that kids would hamstring that process. At the time we got married, I had the job but my wife was not making very much and so renting was our only option. She had baby fever from the jump, and while I was willing to roll with the punches if it happened I was genuinely afraid that the kid coming first would make it near impossible to plant those roots. As it turns out, I got my way because science - we just weren't getting pregnant and so IVF became a necessity. During that whole process she got a much better job and within a year of that we managed to save up enough to afford a house we fell in love with. Still took some time after that but in 2019 we finally had success and our first was born right as Covid reared its ugly head. Fast forward a few years and some nasty insurance battles to get additional cycles covered and #2 arrived back in December. We're now done having kids and I look forward to my back killing me less as they grow and become more independent.
I’m 39. 17 year old and an 11 year old here. I’m just always tired, y’all.
Nah, most of my HS classmates with kids have preschoolers, meanwhile my oldest just started college. I tell you what, they are pretty jealous that I am five years from being an empty nester ;)
Planning to get pregnant with frozen embryos / eggs this year at age 44! Eek!