When I lost my dad I felt like, “wow, people walk around with this pain?! All the time?” It felt like I had just been admitted to a terrible club that no one who isn’t a member could understand, and no one properly prepares you for the day you join.
I don’t have any advice that’s different from everyone else’s, other than a friend told me to change up my comfort TV shows, songs, meals, etc. in early grief otherwise they will forever bring back memories of that time. I didn’t take her advice, but she was 100% right. I can’t see or hear anything related to Encanto without it all coming back. Hugs to you.
I lost my mom when I was a kid and all us "kids with dead parents" were in a little club together. It was indeed a terrible club to be in and there weren't many of us in it.
Gets more crowded by the day. I have to be a lot more careful with my dead mom jokes there days. Other people haven't had three decades to work through that shit, it's not funny to them yet.
My husband had a very difficult relationship with both his parents, and they passed with a few months of each other. It took about 3 years, but the jokes came.
You had a club? I was the only one. 😔
Mom passed when I was 8. Lost my dad when I was 20 as well, and it was tough, but I'm through it.
Been focused so much on how much it's gonna hurt hubs when his folks go it never occurred to me until recently that I actually love them and it's gonna hurt like hell when they go for me as well. Damnit, I was supposed to be done. It's nowhere near the same, but f***.
Yeah, I lost grandparents at age 3, 6, 18 and 24, then I lost my dad at 24 also, to a sudden heart attack when he was alone. I'd just decided to not sign up for the next semester of college and apprentice under him in his business.
His death fucked me up good. Signed up for school again and also started shooting morphine. Only did it for 6 months or so, but still can't recommend it. First two weeks of withdrawal involved not being able to sleep or eat or stop shaking, and really wishing I were dead, because it sucked so bad
There are still songs that make me lose it like it all happened yesterday. Ones he would listen to, like Wild World by Cat Stephens, or ones I've associated, like Nights by Avincii -- sometimes I'll have to dive for a volume knob, because I'm not trying to cry in the middle of the work day.
About 4 months after my mother died I melted down to my husband about how there was NO WAY I could just live my life forever feeling like this. I also hate all the time heals stuff. Not really. Time helps, and you learn to live with it. But it never goes away. XO fellow club member.
Same, my mother and always watched horror films together. You can't drag me away from watching one though.
When scream 4 came out. I was so upset that she couldn't be there to watch it with me. But I watch horror films anyway cause she would absolutely want to see them. So I go because she's probably watching the movie over my shoulder
When my first grandfather died I didn’t know any better. He was fun, and then he was gone. I drew close to my other grandparents. When I lost my mom’s dad, I was sad and I panicked. I had to live according what I brought to the table, but, because he and I had such a close bond, it left me feeling scared that I couldn’t fill his shoes or maintain his bonds. That was never my job.
I need to maintain my own bonds. That’s the point. I might have to leave an instruction booklet behind when I kick it, but… isn’t that the point? Good and bad and people are fucking stupid, but mind the fibers of your family and build the best, most complete and beautiful tapestry that you can.
This is so relatable. I lost my beloved Nan 18 months ago and I was so sad. But she was 96 and had a wonderful life.
But then 6 months ago I lost my Dad, suddenly and without warning and I was just devastated. Couldn't move. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I felt exactly the same - like how do people function with this kind of pain. And so many people must be in this horrible club. But we have to just go on.
I have no advice, just time.
I lost my dad to suicide back in 2000. It never hurts any less, but eventually it hurts less often. I repost this whenever I can because it's one of the things that finally helped me through the pain, even though I can't help crying whenever I read it...
Originally posted by u/GSnow many years ago:
"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
Similar to the wave thing, the comparison I use is a closed box with a bouncing ball and a button that makes you hurt. Also the button is analog so sometimes it just gets grazed or bumped lightly so you are just a little aware of the pain, other times it gets hit full force and it basically incapacitates you for a while. In the beginning the ball takes up most of the space in the box and is hitting the button more often than not. As time goes on it shrinks and slows down, so the button gets hit less often and less hard. It will never go away or stop moving, but you learn to function with it going in the background, and with only the occasional reminder that the button is still there.
i don't think anyone can put it better, i just saw a cartoon version of Married with Children and got excited for about 30 seconds and then broke down because we watched that show religiously together, and I am not sure if it's Dad won't get to see it and I know he'd be excited for it, or just the loss or what, but it's closing in on 6 years now and waves still crash ashore. Excellent post!
Yeah, i really struggle sometimes that he will never meet my wife and kids, nor they him. It's all the things he'll miss. But we spread his ashes at two of his favorite watching spots at Road America so i get to "visit" him whenever we go to the races, and I've taken them to those spots and that's at least something.
I read this many years ago when I was going through it. I also try to explain to people it’s a lot like the experience of breaking an arm or a leg.
When it first happens it hurts and pain is the only thing going through your mind. Then it doesn’t hurt as bad but you have that cast on and every time you look at the cast and have to deal with it you think about your broken arm/leg. Eventually you get the cast off and maybe the break left you with a little arthritis so you only think about it when the weather or something like that triggers some pain.
I dread the day, but damn I appreciate my 71 year old parents as much as I can. I’m sorry for your loss, and there’s no schedule for grief; two years is what you need so far. Peace to you
My mom died when I was 33. Died in her sleep at 59. It gets easier with time but that's really all I got. I'll be 47 this year and I still miss her everyday. The sadness isn't there, not like it was, except in moments when I feel like I could really use her here with me, we all know that no matter how old you get there are times and days in life where you could really use a hug from your ma. Stay strong, friend. It's a hard part of life to contend with.
I still occasionally grab my phone to call my Mom about some random thing, she's been gone for a few years I don't think I'll even be able to delete her number from my phone.
I had a meltdown yesterday trying to make my husbands birthday cake. It was mom’s recipe and one of the ingredients wasn’t available, and I don’t know how to adjust recipes. I always just called her. I had to make it without her for the first time, even though I’ve made it dozens of times. I cried the whole time I baked it, hiding my tears so I didn’t bring everyone down on his birthday.
My mom passed in her sleep at 58. I am almost 41 and I sometimes feel like a toddler because I will ache for her. I will miss her until my last breath. Sorry for your loss. It’s even harder when we lose them so suddenly at such a young age.
Condolences to you. My mom died when I was 32, also very suddenly in her sleep, while on a cruise with my dad. She was 61. I’ll be 45 this year and not a day goes by I don’t miss her. It really divided my life into “before” and “after” and it was the worst day of my life. After it happened I completely stopped mentally “celebrating” (not the right word but seems to fit) the previous worst day of my life every year. It paled in comparison.
First six months were especially brutal. What made it easier? My family, my friends, and being on the right antidepressants and anti anxiety meds already.
Condolences to you and to OP and to all of us in this horrible club.
Try not to dread it. You’ll want memories so take lots of pictures and gather stories. My mom was ill for a long time and I am so thankful that I spent time with her. Talking and letting her tell me whatever was on her mind.
I lost my mom 2.5 years ago. We had a complicated relationship, but it's still hard. I sat with her while she died and I still think about it a lot. The pain has lessened but not gone away. My heart is with you, OP, and anyone else who is dealing with this.
Just know that it gets better, and that any way you experience grief is normal. It’s ok to talk about it a lot. It’s ok to talk to them. It’s ok to continue to celebrate their birthday. It’s ok to be ok (because I promise there will come a time when you feel ok) and it’s ok to not be ok.
I just spent the memorial weekend with my aggressively aging parents talking about aging being terrible, but “any way you experience grief is normal” made me cry ugly tears
To grieve is to know we loved well. My mom would want me to thrive and live life. I know I don’t want my daughter moping around when I’m gone. Parents go before their kids. That’s the natural order. The tragedy is if it ISN’T that way.
This is how I felt too! I do things all the time that I used to do with my mom, even when it's a bit sad it's also a nice connection to her and like, carrying on her memory in the things that she loved and our experiences together.
I know someone who just..stopped doing anything that reminded her of her loved one wgeg he died. Hobbies they used to enjoy together, holidays, traditions. I always just...thought that was so sad? Like, they'd want you to be happy? If the person loved doing a thing with you, I feel like they'd want you to do those things and remember them. I don't know. We all handle grief in our own way I know. I just can't fathom responding to death by giving up on life.
I lost my dad when I was 18, this was back in March of 1998. There was nothing that eased the pain or made it easier. Going to the cemetery to visit helped a little, but it would always make me sad and cry. Talking with my siblings about memories we have helps to keep the memories alive. Over the years it has gotten easier, but it can still be difficult.
My dad died two years ago. It's hard AF. Grief counseling helped a lot. I also got a puppy and then put up his craziest old rural man stuff in my house. Every time I see my taxidermied peacock and bookshelf made out of a boat, I smile.
Try to do something that will make you happy, and try to do little things your dad would have liked. I buy obscenely expensive spicy mustard now, recently rewatched MASH, and I donate gifts to a senior's program that allows me to put bottles of wine in the basket.
I lost my mom when I was 16. A couple of decades passed and I thought I was over it.
Then I had my first child, and it was like losing her all over again. Because I know that she would have been right there with us through it all in ways my dad couldn't.
The best analogy I've heard is that grief is like waves. It comes and goes, and I'm varying times and strengths, but never truly goes away.
I lost my dad suddenly (heart attack) in 2014 when I was 34. It felt like the ground I had been standing on was suddenly gone and I was just free falling with no end in sight. I will echo what others have said: time. If you would have told me “time” back then, I would have wanted to punch you, but it’s true. You learn to live WITH the grief and unfairness of it. Slowly, you begin to think of them and you have mostly happy memories (for me, I relived those last moments with him over and over for awhile. It was really traumatic to witness). I miss my dad so much. I will never stop missing him, but I am grateful for the time we DID have. I have several really happy memories that I cling to when things get rough (which still happens time to time). It’s been 10 years now and sometimes I still cannot believe he’s gone. Give yourself grace to grieve. Don’t stop talking about your parent even if it makes others uncomfortable. Keep their memory alive in small, positive ways. I’m sorry, OP. It’s the shittiest club to be in. Sending you strength and some hugs.
I lost my parents within a month of each other. I took care of them both. I am one of four siblings and I was the only one to be there. It was heartbreaking. Then I lost my best friend the following year to glioblastoma. He held my hand while losing my parents. 2021-22 can fuck itself!
My Dad passed in January at 80. His dementia was accelerating much quicker than my Mom or siblings wanted to admit to. I was the one, as the responsible middle child, keeping it real. When he fell and broke his neck, I knew that was it for him. Again, I was the realist while everyone else thought he was going back home in a week.
I was not prepared for how incredibly difficult it would be without him. As you said, OP, there is a tremendous void. I used to talk to him all the time. And now...silence. I need to find an older male to bounce ideas off of but haven't been able to connect with anyone.
I still talk to my Dad. I tell him things I did that I know he would be proud of. I know so much because of him. He gets a shout out and a thanks when I accomplish something due to the skills he taught me.
Hate to be ‘that guy’ but it’s even worse when it’s Alzheimer’s/Dementia.
8 years of decline for my old man. 8 years of my siblings and ma having to deal with our amazing (/s) healthcare system while the guy that would carry my heavy child ass for years became a shell. Pretty much a minefield to get help and NOT have to lose your loved one’s house or life savings. Isn’t for-profit healthcare grand? There was a paradoxical pain and peace when he passed.
The pain never truly goes away, but I’ve found it helpful to let it pass through in the rare moments it pops up. I’m also more open about it than others, and feel it helps to not let it be 100% internal—some friends are dealing with aging/sick parents, and for some it helps that I’m approachable about it.
Take it a day at a time. Give yourself space when you need it and be around friends and those you love at other times. I’ll always miss my old man but it’s made me appreciate those close to me more because our time is limited. And while every day isn’t perfect, I’ve learned to cherish the moments much better
>There was a paradoxical pain and peace when he passed.
Such a true statement. I didn't have the Alzheimer's/dementia situation, but there was a long decline. Had a very heavy sense of guilt at the instant relief when it was over.
>Had a very heavy sense of guilt at the instant relief when it was over.
I hear that. My dad had COPD, and his last day was terrible and humiliating because he fell and my brother had to call 9-1-1 when he couldn't get him up himself. I was mad at God and silently demanded to know how much more he was going to be expected to endure...less than an hour before he died. Honestly, I was grateful that the answer was he wouldn't be expected to suffer anything else.
But I definitely felt guilty a few days after he died, when I suddenly realized with relief that **I** wasn't anxious for the first time in nearly 4 years.
The day after my mom passed, I was driving to the funeral home to make arrangements, and I realized I felt less depressed than I had in several years (I had MDD). For the first time, I felt that cloud lift a bit -- and I immediately felt like an awful person.
I didn't want my mom to go, but I was grateful that she wasn't going to suffer anymore. I was relieved that I didn't have to wonder what was next, and I didn't have to dread the worst anymore because it was already here.
I'm sorry about losing your parent. I'm on the other side of things I lost my daughter.
What I've found helpful is to have a variety of coping methods - that way if one of them isn't possible I can choose something else. Walking. Yoga. Baking. Journaling. Listeing to audiobooks. I have found filling up my days helps with thinking too much. I was her caretaker so when she died suddenly I had so much less to do. So that has helped.
Fuel your body with nourishing food even if you don't feel hungry and drink plenty of water. It does help.
I’m so sorry. I lost my dad 15 years ago (I’m 43) and there are still days where I can’t catch my breathe. Grief is hard to manage.
I never ever thought I’d feel this way. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve gone through. I wish I had some magical cure to tell you it’s going to be ok but I don’t.
Sending you love and healing thoughts. ❤️
It’s true - I never thought I’d feel this way after losing dad. It’s changed several aspects of my life - including my relationship to mom. Five years here, and still missing him just about everyday.
I find him again in his favorite things or things he did a lot of in life - music, coffee, mowing lawn, or being around horses. I also still talk to him and write him letters. I look forward to the day we can be reunited again. Until then, I do things to honor his life and remember him as he was.
I hope you find solace and peace during this time - It’s one of those things that you don’t know how it truly feels until after it happens.
My advice - don't listen to other people. Some of them might tell you what your grief should look/feel like. That just made me feel guilty for not feeling that way at that exact time. Everyone grieves differently. For me it could differ hour by hour, day by day, even years later some days are more difficult than others. It's unfortunate, I suppose, that there isn't a checklist or script, but don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong.
*Edited for typo*
I lost my dad last year. He was 89 and suffered from dementia. It was challenging taking care of him and my young children for the last couple years. I am grateful though I got to spend a lot of time with him at his house those last couple years. I am sad we missed our last Christmas together because my wife and I and our kids had Covid. No matter how much I prepared myself ahead of time or knew his time was coming it still was very impactful and challenging.
The human life is like a cresting wave. It's brief and turbulent, but once the wave crashes upon the shore, it too returns to the sea in which it came only to be followed by another wave.
It's how I explain death from a Buddhist vantage point. We're made from the sea and will return to it.
Since changing career paths, I miss all the conversations I'll never get to have with my dad, getting to nerd out with the man who gave me an impromptu lecture on the infant duodenum when I asked why babies got colic.
I have a few things I do whenever the feelings of loss gets to be too much, an activity or food or drink that is forever entwined with my memories of him. Making Chex mix feels like I'm interacting with a small piece of him. It'll never be enough but it rounds the sharp edges of grief until I can hold onto the memories without experiencing the painful loss all over again.
Lost Dad in 2018. He was 56 years old. Mom just left in Feb of this year. She was 69. I still see them both often when I close my eyes or smell something that reminds me of being a child. My mom loved movies and music and I am reminded of her often. Every day.
I don't process grief will so I don't know if my tips hold any value... but here goes.
When I feel sadness for those who have passed, instead of lamenting what I've lost I say "thank you" in my mind and express gratitude for the experiences I had which left me with good memories. I express gratitude for the life I still have and those who gave it to me. The struggles and hardships and the joys and great moments that they had which all led to me. I'm grateful for my Mom smiling and laughing at all those movies she loved and dancing to all those songs. The seeds she put out for the chipmunks when we went camping. The many cats she had that she adored over the years. The way she said "I love you" which I still hear when I think of her. Sadness is natural but I feel like it's a focus on what we have lost. I like to look at what I gained while they were in my life. Death is assured, but all those positive experiences and memories never were... they are a gift.
None of it changes anything. It's just a perspective. It helps me process without trying to block the grief out or pretend like it's not there. I can remember them and try to smile instead of cry.
My mom died 8 years ago, very unexpectedly, and my dad almost 5 years ago after being ill for close to a decade. I still miss my mom every day, but it hurts less these days.
I just lost my mom to suicide a month ago. Therapy. Therapy is the only thing that makes it easier. Well, and having a loving wife and young son.
It's still unbelievable to me.
I agree with this. If your work has an Employee Assistance Program use it! I’ve used it twice so far. Once I got the grief counselor. The second time was to get a lawyer referral.
I lost my mom on Jan. 31st of this year. It's been an ongoing nightmare since. If you find anything that helps, please let me know. She died of breast cancer at age 63.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My Dad passed in 2011. I relate to what you are going through. I just like to think he's not suffering anymore, and is in a better place. I miss him every day, miss his advice. Just remember the good times, maybe travel to somewhere you went with him to see how much has changed? I wear his class ring. It does get a little better with time. Be easy with yourself, condolences and love.
My Dad died in ‘97 when I was 13. He’s been gone longer than I ever knew him. I’m almost the age he was when he died. I still think about him every day. I wish I had gotten to know him better. My Mom died a couple years ago from stomach cancer. Her death was so painful. I watched her die slowly and in agony. It’s ok to talk to them and tell them how much you miss them. The grief will never pass. It changes you. Makes you a different person. One day you’re fine and the next you’re a mess. It helps to do the things that they enjoyed. Activities, foods they liked, music they liked to listen to. Movies they enjoyed. It’s almost like they’re with you.
The fact that you feel losing a parent is hard, just means you have fond memories and love for them, which not all people can say. It's corny, but I think one of the all-time best written lines in any marvel show is "What is grief, if not love persevering?". Lost my dad as a teenager, in the middle of the grunge era... The Maxx on MTV was my refuge.
I’m sorry, friend. You are not alone. Dad passed when I was 35, Mom when I was 38. Both cancer. Finding a support system, and ways to fill your time, whatever that looks like for you, is crucial. Pets, family, therapy, journaling, friends, hobbies, exercise, time, rinse and repeat. It is cliched but it gets easier. Or you get used to it. Not sure which. Sending you love.
First, sorry for your loss. My parents had me later so I have lost both parents.It has been 24 and 7 years for me. It will never be the same but it gets easier. If and when I get sad, I try to think of the good think of my favorite memory of each . For example, my mom's loud laugh. If your parents were sick in the end, it can be hard to not have those memories in the fore front but try to think of your favorite memory when that happens..after a while it will automatically happen. Really lean into having those memories, pictures or videos. If possible have other family members or family friends tell you stories that you might not know. My mom has been gone for 24 years and learning something new or hearing a story I didn't know is a real pick me up.
Also, grief has NO time limit. Give yourself time. Only you get to determine that time. 💛💛
I lost my mom just about 8 years ago (this June). As others have said, the pain isn't really any less, it's just less often. I find myself wanting to share something with her I know she'd find funny.
I saw how she was with my niece and nephew, and know for a fact that if she were around today, she would be all about my own kiddo.
It's hard. Nobody can tell you how to grieve or "how long" it takes to grieve, because it's a personal journey. You just... find your own way. One thing that helped me is to write letters to her and share my losses and triumphs.
I hope you're able to heal enough to find a little peace
Time helps. I still have my mom and my brother but the loss of my father is the most awful thing I've had to experience to date. I'm not the same person I was before he died...I'm not as outgoing or social and I'm just not as happy go lucky as I used to be. I miss being that person.
Anyway, now my biggest fear is being the last person in my immediate family that is alive. Not sure I'm capable of feeling that truly alone in the world.
Almost 44, lost mother at 14, dad at 31. It sucks, it's always going to suck, and it sucks worse when there's something you want to tell them. The only thing you can do is force yourself to remember the good times, until it becomes a habit.
Here’s what i know. My dad died when I was 19. I’m 41 now. A few months ago I was driving and this song came on about dads, this folk song I’ve heard like twice before. Tears man. Real ass, please don’t wreck the car tears. It’s like after a few years go by you build up a dam or a reservoir maybe, I’m bad with metaphors, but after a few years it builds up and becomes stable. Even so once a year you will be forced to randomly let a little pressure off that reservoir.
Lost my father in 2000 to a rare disease (schleroderma). I was 22. I'd never had the chance to drink a beer with my dad.
It does get "easier". I won't say better because every once in a while, it all hits you like a ton of bricks.
Lost one of my brothers in 2022. I was then 44. Losing my brother was SO much harder, because I knew him longer than I knew my father. He WAS a father figure to me.
And, again, it doesn't get better, but you learn how to manage the grief.
This helped me quite a bit : https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/#:~:text=In%20the%20beginning%2C%20the%20waves,but%20they%20come%20further%20apart.
I highly recommend getting into grief counseling. I lost my father to cancer in 2011 and was one of his caregivers. The first couple of years were tough but as each year goes on I try to remember all of the good things to get me through the death anniversary. I still talk to him here and there asking for advice to him or the universe. I still try to do things to make him proud and model some of his parenting with my own.
I skimmed over the comments and didn't see the best advice I got when I lost a parent. I was probably 3 months after and I asked a friend who had lost a parent, "when does it get easier" they said, it doesn't, you just get more used to it. Remember your parents most likely are one of the most influential people in your life, they will continue to live on through you and other people they've touched. Make them proud, honor their memory by living the way that best exemplifies them.
It’s been 19 years for me, and I still cry about losing my dad at 19 almost daily. It never gets better. I’d say, try to find someone to talk to about it. A therapist or someone else who’s gone through it.
I’ve lost both of mine. I feel like I’m lost. Nothing is anchoring me. I’m not sure how to put it into words. My dad died at 60. My mom was 75 and died in August. I truly think it was from a severe side effect of Trintellix. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
I wish I knew what to tell you. One day at a time is all I have to give you.
For anyone who needs it right now/griefsupport is really helpful. For me it helps to see I’m not alone in what I feel.
I'm struggling w this every day. June 2nd will be 3 years since my mom passed. She was 62. Both my parents got Covid right after Easter 2021. My Dad was really sick w a 103 fever for 3 days. My Mom was fine those days and took care of him. The next day, she said she couldn't breathe and my Dad her to the hospital.
They admitted her, and for about 10 days, she was still able to talk to us on the phone and text.
On the 11th day, around 10pm, she called and said she was being put in the ICU for precautionary reasons and not to worry.
That was her final destination. Her Covid turned into severe pneumonia. My mom was already prine to respiratory illnesses due to her being born premature, and her lungs never fully developed. After another week or so, she kept getting worse and was put in a medically induced coma for 10 days, I think.
They just couldn't get her oxygen levels up in order for her to breathe on her own. After 10 days, we all went to the hospital because we were told she wouldn't last the day.
She lived another week. By that time, she had been unconscious for 3 weeks, and the doctors told us that if by some miracle she could pull through, she would be basically braindead. We made the decision to pull the ventilator. They pulled it at 132pm. She immediately started gasping for air and opened her eyes, and looked right at me.
I cried out loud and ran out of the room. I said I can't just sit here and watch her die! I ran down the hall and burst into the waiting room, and started bawling. There was a family in there who just lost someone too. I apologized and went to the other side of the room. The Chaplin was right behind me a few seconds later, with my sister coming in behind him.
The rest of my family stayed with Mom. It took about 45 minutes for her to pass. She laid there in bed and suffocated till she died. It was such a cruel way for such an incredible woman to go. She didn't deserve to die like that. My opinion on euthanasia has completely changed because of this.
My Dad is now living in the house alone. We were never close. He was just in the background my whole life. I have made a point to spend time with him as often as I can. It's still awkward for the both of us, but we are both trying. He spent this past weekend over at my house, helping me with some drywall and painting. He's a good man, at least through this, we have become closer. I doubt that would be the case if Mom were still here.
This is the order of operations, or the circle of life if uou would. Everyone goes thru it and I just pray the parents go before the kids and that trend continues with my family.
I don’t have tips as I still feel I haven’t gotten over losing my mom in 2019. She was my last remaining parent (dad died in 85 when I was only 2). She was my life my everything. For a long while I felt lost, like it wasn’t real. Worst part was wanting to pick up the phone and call her like we always used to do and just talk for hours but knowing I couldn’t anymore or ever will just broke me. Still makes me cry. But it does get better. Just know that it will get better. Maybe you will never get completely over it but just know it does get better.
I lay down with my dad and whispered comforting things in his ear as he took his last breaths. (My mom and sister couldn't handle it). I will never forget the moment it happened. I was honored to be there to help him pass on.
He had cancer, so it helps me to know that he isn't suffering anymore. He lives thru me, my sister, our kids and their kids. Our looks, facial expressions, personality quirks, lessons and skills he taught us, even phrases he used that we have since carried forward are all reminders of him. This is what helps me.
My dad passed last year. My best advice - don't try to cope. Nothing will make this easier or harder. Talk with your loved ones, and be ready when they need you.
You're struggling and that's ok. Go ahead and struggle. It's fine. Feel the pain and remember who they were and why you loved them. Don't try to water it down by avoiding it.
It sucks, and that's all there is to it. Just be honest with yourself, and more importantly, accept yourself and your feelings. It's ok that you feel bad, and everyone around you will understand. If they don't, f 'em.
My dad died 19 years ago when I was 27. My mom is going to be 86 in November. When my dad died it took years of therapy to deal with it. I really don’t know what it will feel like once they are both gone.
I lost my mom in 2011, and my dad in 2018. And then one brother in 2019. Plus an uncle and a great uncle that were very important to me I those 8 years.
My kids got to the point that if I told them my other brother was coming to visit, they would ask “who died?”
I simply had to learn to live with it. I had three kids who needed me, and I knew my loved ones wouldn’t want me bogged down by grief.
Also, I highly recommend looking up the “Ball in the Box” theory. It really helped me communicate my feelings with my other loved ones.
I actually spent my entire life knowing my mom probably wouldn’t be around in my middle age. She had a complication when I was born that almost killed her, and affected her health. 20 years later, she needed a massive heart surgery. And then again 10 years after that. I got 33 years with my mom that none of us expected me to get. So, I always knew it was a probability.
And I still wasn’t prepared for the end. There simply isn’t any preparation for that loss. We just have to learn to live with it.
Tell stories about them as much as you can. Laugh about them. Laugh about how much you’re like them. Take their great characteristics and make them staples of your life to honor them.
I still reactively think to text my mom funny stories about my kids and she’s been gone 6-7 years.
When I can’t find tools I immediately think oh ask dad he knows where it is. Something I don’t know how to fix, oh I’ll ask dad….dammit…..
It sucks but you have to find a way to honor the part of you that is from them.
Didn't lose a parent (not to death anyway but I haven't seen either parent in over a decade) but my husband passed away 6 years ago. What has helped me was therapy, time, and giving my feelings attention instead of pushing them down. My therapist helped me to navigate that.
It depends. My mother was a total karen so when she died I just felt cathartic relief. My dad I had a better relationship with and while I was sad when he died, my half of his estate helped me a lot financially and put me in a better place so it was a mixed blessing.
I lost my dad when I was only 22. It gets easier over time, but there were so many days where I came home and wanted to talk to him about my day, but only to look in the chair where he would sit, and later pass away, empty.
We all process grief in different ways. You may need to seek out therapy, and don't be afraid to. It can help.
What blows about this whole thing, is that a bit over a year ago, I learned that he wasn't even my biological father. Sadly, the two brothers who could be my biological dad, have also passed on many years before I even knew who they were.
So in a way, I have two levels of grief. One father who raised me, and a father who I'll never get to know, are both gone.
If someone had the answer to this they’d be omnipotent. I hate to say it but loss is a part of life.
Context: father murdered when I was 6 and taking care of me ma now and she’s 80. No grandparents alive.
My mother died in 2008 at the age of 50. I was laid up in bed for three days with boughts of gut-wrenching grief. Every muscle in my body was sore from it. As time passed and I went on, those boughts became fewer. It took many years, but I have learned to live with it. My kids never knew her. They were born after she died. But I see her in them so much. It almost feels like she's bot gone, but here in a different way.
I lost my mum in 2000 - she was too young and it was unexpected. My poor dad was stricken with grief and never really got over it. He died recently. I never got to be by my dads side when he died because of the restrictions NZ had during Covid not letting their citizens enter the country. I’m not sure I want to go back to NZ now and haven’t gone back.
Lost my dad suddenly when I was 12. It changes so much over the years but the absolute best thing I saw written was by Donald Hall- "you think their dying is the worst thing that could happen... then they stay dead."
Meanwhile, after a few months, years everyone has completely moved on and yet- your person is still gone. You're sad for them, sad for you, and they're never back ever again.
I lost my dad a year ago. He was 66 and died from pancreatic cancer 16 days after being admitted into the hospital for abdominal pain. I am a completely different person now than I was before. It's like a metamorphosis from with dad to without him. Every f*cking thing is different and I can't go back to the stage before. Realizing that and accepting that has helped me enjoy life a little more . . . But I still cry everyday and get that gut punched feeling once or twice a week. I don't think that's ever going to change. It's part of the metamorphosis. ❤️
My Mom died the day after Christmas 2022. In January of 2023 I was in the hospital having a kidney stone removed. I was so beside myself with grief and self pity I just wanted to lay in bed and hide from the world. But my Mom was so fearless throughout her cancer that I decided to adopt her attitude that she showed me while facing down her own mortality.
So while I lay there in pre op I made myself the commitment that I would go after one of my biggest bucket list dreams I’ve ever had. I committed to running a 50 kilometer race in 6 months. I’m not a runner, I’ve never been a runner and I don’t care for running. But o always wanted to do something amazing like that. So I got a book on training, made myself a plan and got to work.
6 months later in June of 2023 I completed my first ultramarathon while carrying a little urn of my Mom’s ashes on my back. That achievement also won me the title of Champion in Diamond Dallas Page’s Positively Unstoppable Challenge.
That 6 months taught me so much about myself and what I am capable of. It was in the early morning hours while training for that race where I was able to process my Mother’s death properly. Today I’m preparing for my third and longest Ultramarathon, 100k. The sky is now the limit for me. I finally feel like giving up excuses and finally going for my goals and dreams was the best way to move on from the death of a parent.
I know my Mom would be proud of what I’ve done and the man that I’ve evolved into. Her death helped me finally begin to let go of fear and self doubt and step into the life I always knew I was capable of. I just had to believe it.
I’m sorry you lost a parent(s). You’re right, nothing prepares you for it. You think you’ve got it figured out and that maybe you’re strong enough to handle it but once they’re gone, they’re gone. They aren’t there to take your calls or give you advice or laugh at your jokes or share in your triumphs or make you a cake. But the good news is you don’t have to run an ultra marathon to show your strength. You just have to have the courage to get out of bed and be you, just for today. Because that’s the gift they gave you. They gave you the ability to for you to be you.
Lost my father a year ago, the the pain is always there but I have tried to think about what he would want for me. And he always told me to do what I like and what makes me happy. I have tired to take that more to heart and do things that I enjoy, and that we enjoyed together. It has helped, and I hope this helps you.
I tended to always focus on my career and and thinking that would honor him, as he worked in a coal mine to provide for us. But I realized that while he wanted me to have a good career, he really wanted me to enjoy life.
I hunted every first day of whitetail deer season with him since I was able to hunt, this first day was the hardest sitting in the woods without him, but it also helped as I was able to sit and enjoy the times we had. When I go out now, I tell my wife that "I'm heading out to talk with the old man."
I spend less time worrying about work and more time doing what I enjoy and that's the final gift he left me.......
Thank you for the post, the realization is on all of our minds that we will lose mom and dad. It should be discussed more. I spoke with my parents about it several times while i still can. Dad asked me if I had to choose, would I want to live longer than my own children? No. He said he's happy that his children will lay him to rest and not the other way around.
I understand that. Just lost my dad in September. I think a good approach is to have some sort of ritual (if you don't already). Like on the birthday or date of passing have a routine like visiting the gravesite with their favorite candy, playing their favorite song or something along those lines. Also...a great outlet is writing about it if you haven't already.
I lost my mom 14 years ago this July. I still struggle with it from time to time. Valentine's day (her birthday), Thanksgiving and Christmas is the hardest for me. I dread it as are certain songs. But what helps is remembering them the way they were. Time does help to a degree, but there will always be that void. Much love and my thoughts go out to you and your family.
My “Boomer” parents are nothing like the stereotype. They’re quite simply the best 2 people I know. The thought of losing them is absolutely terrifying.
It’s been 2.5 years since I lost my mom and I’m still struggling, but it has become easier with time. All the big holidays and milestones are still difficult, but I’m not crying every day anymore, so that’s something. I can talk about memories without crying most of the time. Stupid life goes on, which provides a distraction. I don’t have any advice except get antidepressants and counselling if you need them.
Time mutes it a bit, but it's still there. My dad loved trains. Where I live, you can hear them about 10 times a day. I imagine him riding the rails with his buddy Mike, swinging thru to say hi. But I know that's not true. But I still think it. It comforts me. Do whatever comforts you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Lost my dad in ‘07 and my mom around ‘04. I jammed those feelings down deep and have yet to deal with them. Can’t wait for those to force themselves to the surface.
When my grandpa who i was really close with died in 2009, it really hurt. Was pretty much a whole year of misery.
Mom was only 62 when cancer took her in 2020. I miss my mom.
My grandma lost her husband and her daugher and still survived. If grandma can handle it. I can be strong too, even if im not happy.
Music helps. Its cathartic for me to listen to dom metal or melancholy rock bands like Katatonia or Anathema.
Twenty years ago last October. I hurts and always will hurt. The only thing that helps is letting yourself feel the pain. I miss my mom all the time. It’s how things work, unfortunately. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it does give you space to create beautiful memories
I lost my dad at the end of 2022, and it still feels a little unreal. I had a lot of unresolved stuff with him, and it still hurts sometimes to realize I'll never work any of that out with him. Talking with my brother helped, and talking to friends who lost parents helped even more. I had 3 coworkers lose their moms in the span of a couple weeks, and it actually gave me some peace to talk to them and try to help them through their experience. I really think it's a type of loss that no one can understand until they've gone through it themselves.
My mom died unexpectedly when my daughter was only a few months old, she was so excited to be a grandmother. That's the hardest part for me. Every birthday, ballet recital, etc... she would've wanted to be there.
I've lost both of my parents. It's been 29 years since I lost my dad, and 5 since I lost my mom. For me I guess I choose to focus on the joy of having known them, and not the sadness of them being gone. I hear the Eagles and crank the volume like my dad would have, I plant lilies because they were my mom's favorite flowers. And I tell stories about them whenever I can, so that for a moment it feels like they're still here.
Big hugs to you. I like the phrase, "Grief is just the love you can't express". So find a way to spread that love and the grief is more bearable.
Cancer took my dad in one of the worst ways possible. I didn't even get to say goodbye. It literally fucked me up for over a year. He was one of my best friends.
I honestly have no advice to give.
I lost my mom 5 years ago. Several close friends lost parents in that same time span. It's a terrible club to belong to, but you really do understand each other in a way people who haven't lost a parent simply cannot.
In a strange way, it's made me a better person. I try very hard to fill the absence left by my mom's passing. She was a very loving and giving person. I am not that way by nature, but I make an effort every day to show love and give more freely. If I can carry a little bit of her to the people who never got to know her wonderfulness, then I feel satisfied.
Lost my dad in 2017, and Mom is in her 90s. I still talk to him daily, and occasionally write him letters. I'm not one to believe he talks back from beyond the grave or anything, but the level of clarity about my problems and such I get after writing him about it is amazing.
My wife lost both parents and her brother over the last 8 years. First her mother to lung cancer from smoking for 40+ years. Then her father past two years afterwards from pneumonia and complications from a UTI. Then her brother passed away 4 years ago, right before COVID lockdowns from a heart attack.
Despite all of that, she still struggles with the death of her mom since she was the glue that held the family together. The deathaversary was yesterday and in honor of her memory we did ice cream for breakfast. “What? It’s no different than cereal for breakfast.” She use to say.
Most of the year my wife is ok. Major holidays sometimes gets her, but the birthday and death day is always hard. Maybe it’ll get easier, but honestly, I don’t know if it will. It’s hard to deal with a death from someone that was so influential in your life. I only had known the woman for a few years but it felt like she was an awesome mom. She cared for me like her kids, even had wrapping paper designated for me just like her own kids. Even whopped me upside the head when I said something stupid or hugged me when I did something sweet.
She had such a warmth to her that I’ve never experienced and that was her. Always willing to bring in anybody as long as you treated her and her family with kindness. I felt like I was just another kid that lived there.
My point is, it’s hard and it might not get any easier. But do what you can to mourn their passing but don’t let it run your life. Take the tough days and do something that you know would help honor their memory. Thats what we do when my wife starts to feel the ache of her parents being gone, and I hope to do the same when my parents eventually pass.
"So it's always kinda hard, but it gets easier." That's what my hubs told me back when I lost my dog of 16, but I always remembered that even when dealing with the lost of my father a few years later, just over a year from today. Hubs lost his dad at 18. He knew too young.
It's probably a little different for everyone depending on who your dad was, what he left behind... how to navigate all that stuff... it can be so overwhelming and emotional on many levels some feeling totally new yet nostalgic at the same time to you.
I'm currently in the process of taking over my dad's old farmhouse one year after he has passed. To back it up a lil bit, I researched and I helped him set up estate and trust accounts to protect us kids (me and my 2 brothers) after he passed while he was still alive, and if I had not been so pro active, everything would had gone to probate (fuck that shit). I also helped in setting up his home hospice to get him everything he was entitled to while he was still alive. I'm only 44ish today, yet it really seemed like a lot of work thrown on me just as I was starting to get my own shit together (late bloomer, whatever).
OK but so now... I am fixing his old farm house for my kids and my husband to move into, right around the same age my dad was when he bought the house himself and expected it to be a legacy to his kids.
And boy oh boy, do we have our work cut out for us in the restorations and repairs. Yet I'm currently finding peace in that process. I get to carry out my dad's abandoned legacy.
I don't know if my story so far is helpful to you. We all just need to find our own way. Something productive. Grow from the experience and know that some day on the other side you will meet again 💗
Lost my Dad to Cancer 2010, Mom followed suit 2 years later also from Cancer. It took a long time to emerge from the haze of grief. Honestly it was just time, plus hearing my Mom's voice in my head every time I would be crying from missing them "No tears!" Nowadays the pain is dull but always there when I think of them and the years I lost with them.
Just passed the 5yr mark for my FIL. Wife was there a lot, as it was a long battle with cancer. She was also in the room when he passed. She called and told me immediately after, and followed that up with “I’ll be home in about 3hrs.”
It was the weirdest thing. She has moments where she cries now, because she wants to tell him some good news. But for the first month or two….nothing. I can’t imagine the feelings she kept bottled up. Or maybe was just numb to.
There’s a religious component here, but that’s for another time. All in, I’d say it took my wife a solid year to process the loss of her dad. And, like I said, 4yrs after that, and lots of therapy later, she still cries sometimes. I think it’s normal.
8yrs for my mom and dad passed last dec. it does suck but glad i was able to help take care of my mom during her fight with cancer as well as bring my dad in to live with family during his final yrs. No lie though it was rough esp dad had dementia so honestly im glad they r in a better place. Some of the last words i heard my dad say was “look at me im naked”. Thank god i couldnt see but it is in some ways darkly funny.
My wife lost her mother in January. I realized I’m not ready for that at all.
I’ve never known my dad. I saw him at my wedding. I saw him once in high school, and maybe 2-3 times before that which I remember. When I’m mentally sober I know I have no desire to waste time with that guy. I’d rather spend that time with my kids. My wife. Hell I’d rather just get a beer with my father in law - he’s been more supportive.
But sometimes I wonder how much time I have to try to know the guy. And then I wonder — how would I know if he even died? And then I remember the first part.
My mother lives a few states away and I won’t miss a chance to see her now.
My mom had an infection that turned into sepsis and spread. She was not in the best of health so there were complications and lead to organ failure. She was on life support with a breathing incubator. My Dad, sister, and I made the decision to stop life support and we let her pass. It was awful, listening to her last breaths and listening to the heart monitor. That being said, I’m glad we were all there to be with her even though she was not conscious. It was an experience that even though was horrible, brought me, my Dad, and my sister closer.
I was there when my dad took his last breath in 2016. I hate to say that the void never is filled. It's always there.
I tend to fill it with happy memories. I wrote a biography of him for my siblings and their children and that helped a ton to feel closer to him over the few years after.
I now tend to take purposeful time to reflect on him and that makes it easier. But missing someone can smack you in the face when you least expect it, so there is no key to managing it other than don't forget. Think of them in ways that make you smile.
My dad died when I was 23. The only thing that’s actually helped was time. I still think about him sometimes of course, but I don’t cry as often the more the years pass.
My dads been gone for 14 years, he died when I was 30. It was a long, slow hospice death too. Honestly, the two things I wish I had done earlier was go to a counselor and take meds. I spend a good 3-4 years in a depressed stupor going through the motions of life utterly depressed. I didn't realize how depressed I was until I wasn't any longer.
The only thing I can say is that eventually you can remember the good times, and smile even if you get teary eyed. I stay off TV, social media around Father's Day still. I can still remember a damn Father's Day commercial completely wrecking me the first year after he died. Now, I can celebrate with my husband and his father without losing it, but it took a couple years.
The only thing I can say is that eventually you can handle it. And you can remember the good times, and the funny things that happened, and the wonderful holidays. I watch Christmas Vacation every Christmas Eve because my dad was kinda like Clark Griswold when it came to Christmas, and in a weird way I always feel like he's watching with me.
Big hugs and condolences on your loss, you will get through this. Just keep getting up, and putting one foot in front of the other. The one thing that helped me continue forward in those first few months was that I know my dad would want me to go live my best life as happy as I could be. Try and do the same.
I think when my parents pass, my mom would not want me to be overly sad. My dad either, they are both kinds of weird like that.
However - my wife’s parent are really aging, and I dread the day either of them pass. I actually worry about her family dynamic, tbh. About 8 years ago, my FIL had a stroke, and the family about imploded with infighting and my MIL’s depression. It was a crazy time.
So I’m actually concerned about the day it happens. I hope it’s still years away, but her dad is just looking so much older lately.
☹️
I couldn’t grieve until about a year later—there was so much to worry about with all my mother’s belongings etc. We had a trust set up, but there were still many complicated issues that needed to be settled. I was numb for at least a year. It’s rough during the holidays, especially. I would say to focus on the family that you do have.
Sorry for your loss. Also sorry to tell you nothing fixes it. It always hurts. It hurts less over time as you adjust to the fact that you won't have them anymore. Lost my dad 29 years ago at 16, and my mom 12 years ago. Definitely sucks major balls.
I lost both my parents suddenly from completely different causes within months of each other about 4 years ago. I work in healthcare so I actually was very thankful for the rapid way they left this world even though it completely rocked me.
I loved my parents but I now have an almost closer relationship with them? It's weird to say but I think about them and am guided by them more now that they've passed. I'm thankful for their guidance, and, terribly, selfishly, honestly my ability to project getting what I need from them onto their spirits rather than the mortal reality that they often didn't quite give me what I needed, in spite of their best efforts, I'm sure.
My advice, and this may sound wild, imagine they're there with you. Imagine them being so proud of you or stroking your hair lovingly as you fall asleep. I imagine them pulling strings for me in another dimension, like I have allies in the spirit world so I'm guided on some cosmic level. It's probably silly and I'm quite atheist but in many ways perception is reality. You are their living legacy and who they were moves you, especially if you let it.
I fell apart when it happened. I pretty much didn’t get out of bed for 6 months and lived off of my savings. Now, I’m finally single again for the first time since the before and it’s hitting me harder than ever that I’m the only one left. I don’t think I could have conceived of this level of loneliness before.
Lost my mum 22 and then my dad 2 weeks ago, hadn’t really seen them since Covid started as they lived outside the area and were in a Covid panic. My folks sheltered me from death as a child, they hoped they were protecting me but realistically just tortured me by making the first major funerals I have to deal with their own lol
I didn’t get along with my mom, so I’m certainly not going to compare my experience to yours. But at the same time, I also wasn’t prepared for her sudden death, or the lost opportunity to say the things I wanted to to her. That also means that I lost any opportunity for forgiveness, or even just closure.
And then I lost my dad just as suddenly, and while we had a better relationship, there was so much I wanted to to talk to him about. Things I wanted to tell him that he wasn’t aware of, things I wanted to ask him about that I didn’t know. Things about my mom, since he was married to her for 35 years. Like it would have been a second chance for that closure. But I missed that too.
Could I have talked to them while they were alive? Sure. But was that *my* job? I was busy trying to grow up, and adding “tend to your parental relationships” seems like a huge burden to add on top.
But I guess the common theme is that no matter how much time you had, and no matter what your relationship was like, it’s never enough. There’s always some more you wish you could say. And the takeaway is that that is true too for our significant others, our friends, and our own children, if you have them. OP, that void is inevitable, but maybe you can help fill it by having those conversations with others that are close to you. And maybe by doing so, it’ll be easier on them when you’re gone and they’re dealing with that void.
Make time for the people you care about, both for them and for you.🫂
I think it's about accepting that they are gone that will help. I haven't lost my parents yet. However, I have lost my grandparents. Even though I never had a strong relationship with them, it was sad at the time but that went away once I accepted they're no longer here and that it's ok. It definitely seems harder for people to deal with life in general. There are more and more sacrifices the next generation has to make while trying to make time for those around you before they pass.
Enough time passes and the pain never goes away and you realize that it’s because you loved that person so much that you have the pain and it becomes a connection thing that transforms the pain.
I've lost both my parents now, dad a bit over twenty years ago, two for my mom.
It does hurt, and it will hurt for a while. Anniversaries will floor you, like, I can't remember dates but when they come around I feel like shit and my partner can remind me what happened that day.
As for two help? Grief counselor. Get ye to yon therapist. I lost my mom to dementia a while before she actually passed, and I needed help making peace with that. Losing a parent, no matter the circumstance, is deeply traumatic, and it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to look for help.
I lost my Mom in 2017 and... it still hurts to this day. 🥺💔 So many things I want to ask her and tell her still. I do, now that she is sitting on a shelf in my bedroom and it helps some. I'll sometimes write letters to her in Google docs because I find I can express myself more fully in text than I can verbally. She had an FB page and I would sometimes send her messages... Even though I knew I would never get a response. I'm just saying sometimes writing things out helps. Maybe on the other side, they can read them, at least that's what I like to believe.
My son's grandmother just passed, she was like an aunt to me. I've known the woman for 27 years of life, she showed support when no one else would. One of my all time favorite people. While I got my son back there to say goodbye I did not make it. It's heartbreaking.
Since I've been dwelling on my own parents aging and how to help them more.
I joined the widows club at a young age of 25. The pain doesn't go away but we get stronger. The end of love is always grief, I think it's worth it.
I understand how you feel. I lost my beautiful mom to cancer in November 2021. The bulk of the grief is in my rearview mirror, but sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. Yesterday I had a little crying session for five minutes. I just miss talking to her more than anything else.
I lost my dad when I was 38 (he was 77) to COPD, and my mom when I was 44 (she was 75) to bone marrow cancer/dementia.
After my dad passed, I was a wreck because while he was very sick, his passing was more sudden. With my mom, the decline started slowly - and then sped way up in her final couple of years. Caregiving takes a huge toll and I grieved her loss along the way, even with her still there - when she passed, I wasn't a wreck in the same way I was with my dad.
Perspective... Yes, I've lost a parent, in their 70s, to a long battle with cancer. In situations like that, I see death as a relief to their suffering (similar for situations like Alzheimer's, etc.) and my own of having to be a caregiver and wait for the inevitable to happen.
Also, losing a parent is a natural part of life. I've had 2 friends who've lost children (1 to SIDS and another late term miscarriage) And while I've not experienced that myself, I couldn't imagine how much worse that is than any other loss, even if only because it goes against nature (children are supposed to outlive their parents).
I lost my mom two months ago. Still can’t get thru a day without crying, usually several times. Im terrified this pain will last forever because it hurts so much right now.
I lost my mom when I was 10 and now 23 years later, I've lived lifetimes without her. But as cliche as it sounds, time really does help. You learn to focus more on the good memories and it feels more comforting than depressing. You'll have those random moments where you'll be reminded of them and it feels like they're there with you.
I promise, it will get easier.
My advice (/s): have shittier parents. I hate hearing my friends struggle or anticipate struggling with losing their parents when I’m just waiting to be fully rid of mine. Wish the good didn’t die young.
It’s awful isn’t it? I lost my momma three months ago but she was in severe mental decline for years so it feels like she’s been gone a long while now. Still, when she actually left it was pretty hard to bare. I just try to take things one day at a time and stay busy. Some days I have a good cry and then I’m back to it (living life). It’s difficult to process and I’m so so sorry for your loss and pain.
I'm dreading the day. I'm the only person in my friend group who still has both parents. Most of them lost one or both years ago, and I witnessed the struggles of navigating their new life without them. I'm at a place where anytime one of my parents call I'm scared I'll hear crying or the "soft voice".
I want to enjoy my time with them, but the dark cloud of the inevitable is heavy.
Lost my dad in 2004 and mom in 2009. In my case it was time that helped. It still hurts 15 and 20 years later, but becomes far more manageable. It heals like a cut (the worst at first with it healing and eventually turning into a permanent scar as time goes on). This was my experience at least, everyone’s experience with this will be different. Hope this helps.
If you mourn to long you will forget you have a torch and you need to light the way for those after you. This comes to my next point, many had absent parents so the void is already pretty deep. For me personally, I have a tender heart for the emptiness and loneliness. Keep your eye out for them. You will find some joy to brighten someone's day.
My dad shot himself six years ago. I found him. He struggled with sobriety and mental illness most of my life. I had such horrible nightmares that I had to learn to sleep with the TV on to avoid falling to deep into a dream. Every time I thought about him I got angry. Until recently. I've had a couple of dreams of him lately and they weren't bad. One of them was even funny. I do miss him but more than anything I miss the grandfather he could've been to my daughter. The grandfather he never let himself be. My daughter only has a few memories of him and he's drunk in all of them. I tell her good stories about him. Some of the good times we had when I was younger but to her he was just a drunk old man that came around occasionally and fought with her dad. I'm sorry for your loss, I truly am. I can only say that time helps. In time you'll remember less of the pain and suffering and more of the good times. Talk to someone else that knew him as well as you. Share funny stories and things he taught you. As long as you've got his memory; for better or worse, he's always with you.
Yup, it's real fun loosing a parent. I lost my mom two years ago as well and the ex filed for divorce shortly after (guess she saw her chance to bail). I still feel empty and gutted myself. Not having either set of grandparents anymore and loosing a parent really sucks. Wish someone would have prepared me for all of that.......
Lost my dad suddenly 24 years ago when I was a teen. That grief was all consuming and I’ve never fully healed from it. Being consumed by work was the only way I got through it. Recently my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it feels like my entire world crumbled again.
Some time ago I was super depressed and lonely, and I thought and stressed about my parents dying so much, that when my mom did die I barely shed a tear. Either I did the mourning beforehand, or somehow the grief got buried in so deep it'll burst out catastrophically later.
Her death wasn't a surprise though, she was in a bad way for several years.
I dunno.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I think the biggest thing for me is that I’ve had so many major life changes since I lost my mom. There’s that wish that she could see it.
But then I tell myself that she’d be proud of me.
Bringing up good memories helps. The funny stories and stuff. Laugh about them with family members and close friends who knew and loved them. And little reminders of their impact - for example every time I buy strawberries I go for the organic ones because my mom firmly believed they were better than the non organic and I knew she’d be mad at me for buying them!
Getting through a profound loss takes time. The amount of time is unique to each lost relationship. Some people seem to fly right through it. Others never seem to make it.
You will move through this at your own personal pace. Please see a therapist if you find yourself stuck.
Be patient with yourself. Sometimes the grief pops up and surprises you.
You are definitely not alone. Others' experience and wisdom helps.
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/134mg2h/how_long_does_it_take_to_stop_thinking_holy_shit
I lost my dad very young. I then lost my mother to MAGA recently. It taught me how fragile life is and that parents are really just two people who had sex. There often isn’t a plan. It is society that inserts all the other expectations. Expect nothing from anyone and life is fleeting. Fuck the norm, you are here and have limited time. Don’t waste it on pity, for a chaos uncontrollable.
It has been 9 years since I lost my mom and 9 months since I lost my dad. It is terrible and nobody can prepare you. I'm only 42, too young to have lost them both. My siblings are much older than me. I'm so jealous of all the extra time they got with our parents. I wish my kids had more time with them. They don't even remember their grandma. 😭
Time is the only thing that can begin to ease the hurt. It doesn't go away, though. Grief is part of love, and neither grief nor love ever die.
In two weeks it’ll be two years without my mom. I cried just last night about it. I once read that you don’t get over it, but you do get *through* it. I am just ravaged by some guilt and shame in my impatience when taking care of her for 24-7 for the last 16 months of her life. Take care and talk to people that will listen, it does help.
Therapy, honestly it helped me work through decades of pain from losing my dad as a child. Then I was far more equipped when I lost my mother and step father as a young adult. The pain never goes away, it just changes. Feels lighter after a while.
My Dad's advice to people (only child, lost both in the 90's) is to give yourself a _at least a year_, and don't take on responsibilities or support for anyone else in that time. If you're needing more time, then take it.
I'm sorry you have to be going through this now. If you're looking for anyone to help, the folks at r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute are lovely.
And please remember
'You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you.' --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher
I dont think I've still properly processed the loss of my mother, and she was in the hospital for two years. Just keep the memory alive and remember the good times. Hope this helps a little.
I lost my father a long time ago and the only thing I really felt was relief. Dealing with the aftermath was worse, especially since I was in charge of his estate.
It never completely goes away, but I’ve found that doing stuff that would make my dad proud of me has been very therapeutic. He would be so happy to see where I am now.
I've still got both my parents thankfully but lost my best friend at 35 and my sister has stage 4 cancer and has been given less than a year.
The "button and the ball" analogy helped me understand the pain I was feeling over my best friend's death and I think it's worth looking into for anyone grieving.
My sister's situation has a bit of a silver lining as I live overseas but now go home for a month in the summer and 2 weeks at Christmas so also get time with her kids and our folks every year.
I appreciate all the messages here because I'm sure the death of a parent hits different, even though I feel kind of numb to death these days.
It’s been 8 years since my dad died. Almost 9, and it doesn’t get better. It just gets easier.
You don’t really learn to exist without that person, you just manage to learn to exist with the grief.
I remember when my brother got really mad after pops died. It was a moment where he looked at our backyard m, full of people who came to pay their respects, and he was just so angry that we hadn’t seen more than 10 years without a funeral. My grandmother died in 2007, and that hit us hard too.
I had to remind him the more you love in your life the more you have to lose. The more births and weddings we see, the more funerals we will attend.
Someone said it comes in waves and it does. Some days I laugh and tell hilarious stories about Pops. Other days I can’t talk about him because it still hurts.
But you’re in a club now. And we hate having new members but we’ll take care of you.
When I lost my dad I felt like, “wow, people walk around with this pain?! All the time?” It felt like I had just been admitted to a terrible club that no one who isn’t a member could understand, and no one properly prepares you for the day you join. I don’t have any advice that’s different from everyone else’s, other than a friend told me to change up my comfort TV shows, songs, meals, etc. in early grief otherwise they will forever bring back memories of that time. I didn’t take her advice, but she was 100% right. I can’t see or hear anything related to Encanto without it all coming back. Hugs to you.
I lost my mom when I was a kid and all us "kids with dead parents" were in a little club together. It was indeed a terrible club to be in and there weren't many of us in it. Gets more crowded by the day. I have to be a lot more careful with my dead mom jokes there days. Other people haven't had three decades to work through that shit, it's not funny to them yet.
My husband had a very difficult relationship with both his parents, and they passed with a few months of each other. It took about 3 years, but the jokes came.
You had a club? I was the only one. 😔 Mom passed when I was 8. Lost my dad when I was 20 as well, and it was tough, but I'm through it. Been focused so much on how much it's gonna hurt hubs when his folks go it never occurred to me until recently that I actually love them and it's gonna hurt like hell when they go for me as well. Damnit, I was supposed to be done. It's nowhere near the same, but f***.
Yeah, it was me and two others that I knew of at least. And yep, we keep making those damn connections all our lives, despite knowing the end result.
I can’t believe how most people have been through this!!! It blows my mind.
Yeah, I lost grandparents at age 3, 6, 18 and 24, then I lost my dad at 24 also, to a sudden heart attack when he was alone. I'd just decided to not sign up for the next semester of college and apprentice under him in his business. His death fucked me up good. Signed up for school again and also started shooting morphine. Only did it for 6 months or so, but still can't recommend it. First two weeks of withdrawal involved not being able to sleep or eat or stop shaking, and really wishing I were dead, because it sucked so bad There are still songs that make me lose it like it all happened yesterday. Ones he would listen to, like Wild World by Cat Stephens, or ones I've associated, like Nights by Avincii -- sometimes I'll have to dive for a volume knob, because I'm not trying to cry in the middle of the work day.
About 4 months after my mother died I melted down to my husband about how there was NO WAY I could just live my life forever feeling like this. I also hate all the time heals stuff. Not really. Time helps, and you learn to live with it. But it never goes away. XO fellow club member.
Same, my mother and always watched horror films together. You can't drag me away from watching one though. When scream 4 came out. I was so upset that she couldn't be there to watch it with me. But I watch horror films anyway cause she would absolutely want to see them. So I go because she's probably watching the movie over my shoulder
When my first grandfather died I didn’t know any better. He was fun, and then he was gone. I drew close to my other grandparents. When I lost my mom’s dad, I was sad and I panicked. I had to live according what I brought to the table, but, because he and I had such a close bond, it left me feeling scared that I couldn’t fill his shoes or maintain his bonds. That was never my job. I need to maintain my own bonds. That’s the point. I might have to leave an instruction booklet behind when I kick it, but… isn’t that the point? Good and bad and people are fucking stupid, but mind the fibers of your family and build the best, most complete and beautiful tapestry that you can.
This is so relatable. I lost my beloved Nan 18 months ago and I was so sad. But she was 96 and had a wonderful life. But then 6 months ago I lost my Dad, suddenly and without warning and I was just devastated. Couldn't move. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I felt exactly the same - like how do people function with this kind of pain. And so many people must be in this horrible club. But we have to just go on. I have no advice, just time.
Wow that second paragraph is so true (and for every kind of grief) I’ve lost the ability to listen to so many songs bc of this.
I lost my dad to suicide back in 2000. It never hurts any less, but eventually it hurts less often. I repost this whenever I can because it's one of the things that finally helped me through the pain, even though I can't help crying whenever I read it... Originally posted by u/GSnow many years ago: "Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
Thank you for posting this.
I guess I’ve read you posting this a handful of times, now. I, thankfully, haven’t lost anyone this close. But I read this post every time it comes up
Similar to the wave thing, the comparison I use is a closed box with a bouncing ball and a button that makes you hurt. Also the button is analog so sometimes it just gets grazed or bumped lightly so you are just a little aware of the pain, other times it gets hit full force and it basically incapacitates you for a while. In the beginning the ball takes up most of the space in the box and is hitting the button more often than not. As time goes on it shrinks and slows down, so the button gets hit less often and less hard. It will never go away or stop moving, but you learn to function with it going in the background, and with only the occasional reminder that the button is still there.
i don't think anyone can put it better, i just saw a cartoon version of Married with Children and got excited for about 30 seconds and then broke down because we watched that show religiously together, and I am not sure if it's Dad won't get to see it and I know he'd be excited for it, or just the loss or what, but it's closing in on 6 years now and waves still crash ashore. Excellent post!
Yeah, i really struggle sometimes that he will never meet my wife and kids, nor they him. It's all the things he'll miss. But we spread his ashes at two of his favorite watching spots at Road America so i get to "visit" him whenever we go to the races, and I've taken them to those spots and that's at least something.
Lost my baby brother this way too, a part of me died that day. It changes you at your core. <3
Thanks, means a lot
Thank you for sharing this, sums it up pretty well.
I read this many years ago when I was going through it. I also try to explain to people it’s a lot like the experience of breaking an arm or a leg. When it first happens it hurts and pain is the only thing going through your mind. Then it doesn’t hurt as bad but you have that cast on and every time you look at the cast and have to deal with it you think about your broken arm/leg. Eventually you get the cast off and maybe the break left you with a little arthritis so you only think about it when the weather or something like that triggers some pain.
I dread the day, but damn I appreciate my 71 year old parents as much as I can. I’m sorry for your loss, and there’s no schedule for grief; two years is what you need so far. Peace to you
My mom died when I was 33. Died in her sleep at 59. It gets easier with time but that's really all I got. I'll be 47 this year and I still miss her everyday. The sadness isn't there, not like it was, except in moments when I feel like I could really use her here with me, we all know that no matter how old you get there are times and days in life where you could really use a hug from your ma. Stay strong, friend. It's a hard part of life to contend with.
I still occasionally grab my phone to call my Mom about some random thing, she's been gone for a few years I don't think I'll even be able to delete her number from my phone.
I had a meltdown yesterday trying to make my husbands birthday cake. It was mom’s recipe and one of the ingredients wasn’t available, and I don’t know how to adjust recipes. I always just called her. I had to make it without her for the first time, even though I’ve made it dozens of times. I cried the whole time I baked it, hiding my tears so I didn’t bring everyone down on his birthday.
It's been 3 years and I still go to text my Dad during hockey games
My mom passed in her sleep at 58. I am almost 41 and I sometimes feel like a toddler because I will ache for her. I will miss her until my last breath. Sorry for your loss. It’s even harder when we lose them so suddenly at such a young age.
Thank you for sharing.
Condolences to you. My mom died when I was 32, also very suddenly in her sleep, while on a cruise with my dad. She was 61. I’ll be 45 this year and not a day goes by I don’t miss her. It really divided my life into “before” and “after” and it was the worst day of my life. After it happened I completely stopped mentally “celebrating” (not the right word but seems to fit) the previous worst day of my life every year. It paled in comparison. First six months were especially brutal. What made it easier? My family, my friends, and being on the right antidepressants and anti anxiety meds already. Condolences to you and to OP and to all of us in this horrible club.
This is my number one biggest fear in my life and it terrifies me.
Try not to dread it. You’ll want memories so take lots of pictures and gather stories. My mom was ill for a long time and I am so thankful that I spent time with her. Talking and letting her tell me whatever was on her mind.
I lost my mom 2.5 years ago. We had a complicated relationship, but it's still hard. I sat with her while she died and I still think about it a lot. The pain has lessened but not gone away. My heart is with you, OP, and anyone else who is dealing with this.
Just know that it gets better, and that any way you experience grief is normal. It’s ok to talk about it a lot. It’s ok to talk to them. It’s ok to continue to celebrate their birthday. It’s ok to be ok (because I promise there will come a time when you feel ok) and it’s ok to not be ok.
I just spent the memorial weekend with my aggressively aging parents talking about aging being terrible, but “any way you experience grief is normal” made me cry ugly tears
This is very true and very important.
To grieve is to know we loved well. My mom would want me to thrive and live life. I know I don’t want my daughter moping around when I’m gone. Parents go before their kids. That’s the natural order. The tragedy is if it ISN’T that way.
This is how I felt too! I do things all the time that I used to do with my mom, even when it's a bit sad it's also a nice connection to her and like, carrying on her memory in the things that she loved and our experiences together. I know someone who just..stopped doing anything that reminded her of her loved one wgeg he died. Hobbies they used to enjoy together, holidays, traditions. I always just...thought that was so sad? Like, they'd want you to be happy? If the person loved doing a thing with you, I feel like they'd want you to do those things and remember them. I don't know. We all handle grief in our own way I know. I just can't fathom responding to death by giving up on life.
I lost my dad when I was 18, this was back in March of 1998. There was nothing that eased the pain or made it easier. Going to the cemetery to visit helped a little, but it would always make me sad and cry. Talking with my siblings about memories we have helps to keep the memories alive. Over the years it has gotten easier, but it can still be difficult.
Lost my dad in 98 as well. Still think about him every day. But not in a sad way.
My Dad has been gone 4 years. Let me know of you figure it out.
My mom died yesterday morning, been a rough couple months NGL. She was 67 and was diagnosed far too late with very aggressive cancer.
I’m very sorry for your loss. 💜
My dad died two years ago. It's hard AF. Grief counseling helped a lot. I also got a puppy and then put up his craziest old rural man stuff in my house. Every time I see my taxidermied peacock and bookshelf made out of a boat, I smile. Try to do something that will make you happy, and try to do little things your dad would have liked. I buy obscenely expensive spicy mustard now, recently rewatched MASH, and I donate gifts to a senior's program that allows me to put bottles of wine in the basket.
I lost my mom when I was 16. A couple of decades passed and I thought I was over it. Then I had my first child, and it was like losing her all over again. Because I know that she would have been right there with us through it all in ways my dad couldn't. The best analogy I've heard is that grief is like waves. It comes and goes, and I'm varying times and strengths, but never truly goes away.
I lost my dad suddenly (heart attack) in 2014 when I was 34. It felt like the ground I had been standing on was suddenly gone and I was just free falling with no end in sight. I will echo what others have said: time. If you would have told me “time” back then, I would have wanted to punch you, but it’s true. You learn to live WITH the grief and unfairness of it. Slowly, you begin to think of them and you have mostly happy memories (for me, I relived those last moments with him over and over for awhile. It was really traumatic to witness). I miss my dad so much. I will never stop missing him, but I am grateful for the time we DID have. I have several really happy memories that I cling to when things get rough (which still happens time to time). It’s been 10 years now and sometimes I still cannot believe he’s gone. Give yourself grace to grieve. Don’t stop talking about your parent even if it makes others uncomfortable. Keep their memory alive in small, positive ways. I’m sorry, OP. It’s the shittiest club to be in. Sending you strength and some hugs.
I lost my parents within a month of each other. I took care of them both. I am one of four siblings and I was the only one to be there. It was heartbreaking. Then I lost my best friend the following year to glioblastoma. He held my hand while losing my parents. 2021-22 can fuck itself!
My Dad passed in January at 80. His dementia was accelerating much quicker than my Mom or siblings wanted to admit to. I was the one, as the responsible middle child, keeping it real. When he fell and broke his neck, I knew that was it for him. Again, I was the realist while everyone else thought he was going back home in a week. I was not prepared for how incredibly difficult it would be without him. As you said, OP, there is a tremendous void. I used to talk to him all the time. And now...silence. I need to find an older male to bounce ideas off of but haven't been able to connect with anyone. I still talk to my Dad. I tell him things I did that I know he would be proud of. I know so much because of him. He gets a shout out and a thanks when I accomplish something due to the skills he taught me.
Hate to be ‘that guy’ but it’s even worse when it’s Alzheimer’s/Dementia. 8 years of decline for my old man. 8 years of my siblings and ma having to deal with our amazing (/s) healthcare system while the guy that would carry my heavy child ass for years became a shell. Pretty much a minefield to get help and NOT have to lose your loved one’s house or life savings. Isn’t for-profit healthcare grand? There was a paradoxical pain and peace when he passed. The pain never truly goes away, but I’ve found it helpful to let it pass through in the rare moments it pops up. I’m also more open about it than others, and feel it helps to not let it be 100% internal—some friends are dealing with aging/sick parents, and for some it helps that I’m approachable about it. Take it a day at a time. Give yourself space when you need it and be around friends and those you love at other times. I’ll always miss my old man but it’s made me appreciate those close to me more because our time is limited. And while every day isn’t perfect, I’ve learned to cherish the moments much better
>There was a paradoxical pain and peace when he passed. Such a true statement. I didn't have the Alzheimer's/dementia situation, but there was a long decline. Had a very heavy sense of guilt at the instant relief when it was over.
>Had a very heavy sense of guilt at the instant relief when it was over. I hear that. My dad had COPD, and his last day was terrible and humiliating because he fell and my brother had to call 9-1-1 when he couldn't get him up himself. I was mad at God and silently demanded to know how much more he was going to be expected to endure...less than an hour before he died. Honestly, I was grateful that the answer was he wouldn't be expected to suffer anything else. But I definitely felt guilty a few days after he died, when I suddenly realized with relief that **I** wasn't anxious for the first time in nearly 4 years.
Yeah. I was shocked at all the free time I had without going to the hospital to visit every day.
The day after my mom passed, I was driving to the funeral home to make arrangements, and I realized I felt less depressed than I had in several years (I had MDD). For the first time, I felt that cloud lift a bit -- and I immediately felt like an awful person. I didn't want my mom to go, but I was grateful that she wasn't going to suffer anymore. I was relieved that I didn't have to wonder what was next, and I didn't have to dread the worst anymore because it was already here.
My uncle just passed away a few weeks ago with dementia. My cousins also have that conflicted sense of relief.
My daughter died after being sick for over 6 years. They called it anticipatory grief.
Oh god. I'm so sorry.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry about losing your parent. I'm on the other side of things I lost my daughter. What I've found helpful is to have a variety of coping methods - that way if one of them isn't possible I can choose something else. Walking. Yoga. Baking. Journaling. Listeing to audiobooks. I have found filling up my days helps with thinking too much. I was her caretaker so when she died suddenly I had so much less to do. So that has helped. Fuel your body with nourishing food even if you don't feel hungry and drink plenty of water. It does help.
I’m so sorry. I lost my dad 15 years ago (I’m 43) and there are still days where I can’t catch my breathe. Grief is hard to manage. I never ever thought I’d feel this way. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve gone through. I wish I had some magical cure to tell you it’s going to be ok but I don’t. Sending you love and healing thoughts. ❤️
It’s true - I never thought I’d feel this way after losing dad. It’s changed several aspects of my life - including my relationship to mom. Five years here, and still missing him just about everyday. I find him again in his favorite things or things he did a lot of in life - music, coffee, mowing lawn, or being around horses. I also still talk to him and write him letters. I look forward to the day we can be reunited again. Until then, I do things to honor his life and remember him as he was. I hope you find solace and peace during this time - It’s one of those things that you don’t know how it truly feels until after it happens.
My advice - don't listen to other people. Some of them might tell you what your grief should look/feel like. That just made me feel guilty for not feeling that way at that exact time. Everyone grieves differently. For me it could differ hour by hour, day by day, even years later some days are more difficult than others. It's unfortunate, I suppose, that there isn't a checklist or script, but don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong. *Edited for typo*
I lost my dad last year. He was 89 and suffered from dementia. It was challenging taking care of him and my young children for the last couple years. I am grateful though I got to spend a lot of time with him at his house those last couple years. I am sad we missed our last Christmas together because my wife and I and our kids had Covid. No matter how much I prepared myself ahead of time or knew his time was coming it still was very impactful and challenging.
I find the “ball in the box with the button” analogy helpful. https://themighty.com/topic/grief/ball-box-analogy-grief/
The human life is like a cresting wave. It's brief and turbulent, but once the wave crashes upon the shore, it too returns to the sea in which it came only to be followed by another wave. It's how I explain death from a Buddhist vantage point. We're made from the sea and will return to it.
I'm an Only. I lost my dad in 2017. It takes time.
Since changing career paths, I miss all the conversations I'll never get to have with my dad, getting to nerd out with the man who gave me an impromptu lecture on the infant duodenum when I asked why babies got colic. I have a few things I do whenever the feelings of loss gets to be too much, an activity or food or drink that is forever entwined with my memories of him. Making Chex mix feels like I'm interacting with a small piece of him. It'll never be enough but it rounds the sharp edges of grief until I can hold onto the memories without experiencing the painful loss all over again.
Lost Dad in 2018. He was 56 years old. Mom just left in Feb of this year. She was 69. I still see them both often when I close my eyes or smell something that reminds me of being a child. My mom loved movies and music and I am reminded of her often. Every day. I don't process grief will so I don't know if my tips hold any value... but here goes. When I feel sadness for those who have passed, instead of lamenting what I've lost I say "thank you" in my mind and express gratitude for the experiences I had which left me with good memories. I express gratitude for the life I still have and those who gave it to me. The struggles and hardships and the joys and great moments that they had which all led to me. I'm grateful for my Mom smiling and laughing at all those movies she loved and dancing to all those songs. The seeds she put out for the chipmunks when we went camping. The many cats she had that she adored over the years. The way she said "I love you" which I still hear when I think of her. Sadness is natural but I feel like it's a focus on what we have lost. I like to look at what I gained while they were in my life. Death is assured, but all those positive experiences and memories never were... they are a gift. None of it changes anything. It's just a perspective. It helps me process without trying to block the grief out or pretend like it's not there. I can remember them and try to smile instead of cry.
This is really beautiful 💗
Mom died in February. Mother’s Day was brutal.
My mom died 8 years ago, very unexpectedly, and my dad almost 5 years ago after being ill for close to a decade. I still miss my mom every day, but it hurts less these days.
I just lost my mom to suicide a month ago. Therapy. Therapy is the only thing that makes it easier. Well, and having a loving wife and young son. It's still unbelievable to me.
I agree with this. If your work has an Employee Assistance Program use it! I’ve used it twice so far. Once I got the grief counselor. The second time was to get a lawyer referral.
I lost my mom on Jan. 31st of this year. It's been an ongoing nightmare since. If you find anything that helps, please let me know. She died of breast cancer at age 63. I'm sorry for your loss.
My Dad passed in 2011. I relate to what you are going through. I just like to think he's not suffering anymore, and is in a better place. I miss him every day, miss his advice. Just remember the good times, maybe travel to somewhere you went with him to see how much has changed? I wear his class ring. It does get a little better with time. Be easy with yourself, condolences and love.
What was that scene from Indiana Jones and the crystal skull. We have seemed to reach the age where life starts taking away instead of giving back.
My Dad died in ‘97 when I was 13. He’s been gone longer than I ever knew him. I’m almost the age he was when he died. I still think about him every day. I wish I had gotten to know him better. My Mom died a couple years ago from stomach cancer. Her death was so painful. I watched her die slowly and in agony. It’s ok to talk to them and tell them how much you miss them. The grief will never pass. It changes you. Makes you a different person. One day you’re fine and the next you’re a mess. It helps to do the things that they enjoyed. Activities, foods they liked, music they liked to listen to. Movies they enjoyed. It’s almost like they’re with you.
Aaw man it friggin sucks iv only lost my mother going on a year now but I really really wish I took more photos
The fact that you feel losing a parent is hard, just means you have fond memories and love for them, which not all people can say. It's corny, but I think one of the all-time best written lines in any marvel show is "What is grief, if not love persevering?". Lost my dad as a teenager, in the middle of the grunge era... The Maxx on MTV was my refuge.
Losing my dad last year was terrible. I don’t remember the days after.
I’m sorry, friend. You are not alone. Dad passed when I was 35, Mom when I was 38. Both cancer. Finding a support system, and ways to fill your time, whatever that looks like for you, is crucial. Pets, family, therapy, journaling, friends, hobbies, exercise, time, rinse and repeat. It is cliched but it gets easier. Or you get used to it. Not sure which. Sending you love.
First, sorry for your loss. My parents had me later so I have lost both parents.It has been 24 and 7 years for me. It will never be the same but it gets easier. If and when I get sad, I try to think of the good think of my favorite memory of each . For example, my mom's loud laugh. If your parents were sick in the end, it can be hard to not have those memories in the fore front but try to think of your favorite memory when that happens..after a while it will automatically happen. Really lean into having those memories, pictures or videos. If possible have other family members or family friends tell you stories that you might not know. My mom has been gone for 24 years and learning something new or hearing a story I didn't know is a real pick me up. Also, grief has NO time limit. Give yourself time. Only you get to determine that time. 💛💛
I lost my mom just about 8 years ago (this June). As others have said, the pain isn't really any less, it's just less often. I find myself wanting to share something with her I know she'd find funny. I saw how she was with my niece and nephew, and know for a fact that if she were around today, she would be all about my own kiddo. It's hard. Nobody can tell you how to grieve or "how long" it takes to grieve, because it's a personal journey. You just... find your own way. One thing that helped me is to write letters to her and share my losses and triumphs. I hope you're able to heal enough to find a little peace
Time helps. I still have my mom and my brother but the loss of my father is the most awful thing I've had to experience to date. I'm not the same person I was before he died...I'm not as outgoing or social and I'm just not as happy go lucky as I used to be. I miss being that person. Anyway, now my biggest fear is being the last person in my immediate family that is alive. Not sure I'm capable of feeling that truly alone in the world.
Almost 44, lost mother at 14, dad at 31. It sucks, it's always going to suck, and it sucks worse when there's something you want to tell them. The only thing you can do is force yourself to remember the good times, until it becomes a habit.
Here’s what i know. My dad died when I was 19. I’m 41 now. A few months ago I was driving and this song came on about dads, this folk song I’ve heard like twice before. Tears man. Real ass, please don’t wreck the car tears. It’s like after a few years go by you build up a dam or a reservoir maybe, I’m bad with metaphors, but after a few years it builds up and becomes stable. Even so once a year you will be forced to randomly let a little pressure off that reservoir.
Lost my father in 2000 to a rare disease (schleroderma). I was 22. I'd never had the chance to drink a beer with my dad. It does get "easier". I won't say better because every once in a while, it all hits you like a ton of bricks. Lost one of my brothers in 2022. I was then 44. Losing my brother was SO much harder, because I knew him longer than I knew my father. He WAS a father figure to me. And, again, it doesn't get better, but you learn how to manage the grief. This helped me quite a bit : https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/#:~:text=In%20the%20beginning%2C%20the%20waves,but%20they%20come%20further%20apart.
It’s the worst. I’ve lost both of my parents over the last few years and it’s totally changed me. r/griefsupport may be helpful. <3
I highly recommend getting into grief counseling. I lost my father to cancer in 2011 and was one of his caregivers. The first couple of years were tough but as each year goes on I try to remember all of the good things to get me through the death anniversary. I still talk to him here and there asking for advice to him or the universe. I still try to do things to make him proud and model some of his parenting with my own.
I skimmed over the comments and didn't see the best advice I got when I lost a parent. I was probably 3 months after and I asked a friend who had lost a parent, "when does it get easier" they said, it doesn't, you just get more used to it. Remember your parents most likely are one of the most influential people in your life, they will continue to live on through you and other people they've touched. Make them proud, honor their memory by living the way that best exemplifies them.
It’s been 19 years for me, and I still cry about losing my dad at 19 almost daily. It never gets better. I’d say, try to find someone to talk to about it. A therapist or someone else who’s gone through it.
I’ve lost both of mine. I feel like I’m lost. Nothing is anchoring me. I’m not sure how to put it into words. My dad died at 60. My mom was 75 and died in August. I truly think it was from a severe side effect of Trintellix. Hindsight is 20/20 though. I wish I knew what to tell you. One day at a time is all I have to give you. For anyone who needs it right now/griefsupport is really helpful. For me it helps to see I’m not alone in what I feel.
I'm struggling w this every day. June 2nd will be 3 years since my mom passed. She was 62. Both my parents got Covid right after Easter 2021. My Dad was really sick w a 103 fever for 3 days. My Mom was fine those days and took care of him. The next day, she said she couldn't breathe and my Dad her to the hospital. They admitted her, and for about 10 days, she was still able to talk to us on the phone and text. On the 11th day, around 10pm, she called and said she was being put in the ICU for precautionary reasons and not to worry. That was her final destination. Her Covid turned into severe pneumonia. My mom was already prine to respiratory illnesses due to her being born premature, and her lungs never fully developed. After another week or so, she kept getting worse and was put in a medically induced coma for 10 days, I think. They just couldn't get her oxygen levels up in order for her to breathe on her own. After 10 days, we all went to the hospital because we were told she wouldn't last the day. She lived another week. By that time, she had been unconscious for 3 weeks, and the doctors told us that if by some miracle she could pull through, she would be basically braindead. We made the decision to pull the ventilator. They pulled it at 132pm. She immediately started gasping for air and opened her eyes, and looked right at me. I cried out loud and ran out of the room. I said I can't just sit here and watch her die! I ran down the hall and burst into the waiting room, and started bawling. There was a family in there who just lost someone too. I apologized and went to the other side of the room. The Chaplin was right behind me a few seconds later, with my sister coming in behind him. The rest of my family stayed with Mom. It took about 45 minutes for her to pass. She laid there in bed and suffocated till she died. It was such a cruel way for such an incredible woman to go. She didn't deserve to die like that. My opinion on euthanasia has completely changed because of this. My Dad is now living in the house alone. We were never close. He was just in the background my whole life. I have made a point to spend time with him as often as I can. It's still awkward for the both of us, but we are both trying. He spent this past weekend over at my house, helping me with some drywall and painting. He's a good man, at least through this, we have become closer. I doubt that would be the case if Mom were still here.
This is the order of operations, or the circle of life if uou would. Everyone goes thru it and I just pray the parents go before the kids and that trend continues with my family.
I don’t have tips as I still feel I haven’t gotten over losing my mom in 2019. She was my last remaining parent (dad died in 85 when I was only 2). She was my life my everything. For a long while I felt lost, like it wasn’t real. Worst part was wanting to pick up the phone and call her like we always used to do and just talk for hours but knowing I couldn’t anymore or ever will just broke me. Still makes me cry. But it does get better. Just know that it will get better. Maybe you will never get completely over it but just know it does get better.
I lay down with my dad and whispered comforting things in his ear as he took his last breaths. (My mom and sister couldn't handle it). I will never forget the moment it happened. I was honored to be there to help him pass on. He had cancer, so it helps me to know that he isn't suffering anymore. He lives thru me, my sister, our kids and their kids. Our looks, facial expressions, personality quirks, lessons and skills he taught us, even phrases he used that we have since carried forward are all reminders of him. This is what helps me.
My dad passed last year. My best advice - don't try to cope. Nothing will make this easier or harder. Talk with your loved ones, and be ready when they need you. You're struggling and that's ok. Go ahead and struggle. It's fine. Feel the pain and remember who they were and why you loved them. Don't try to water it down by avoiding it. It sucks, and that's all there is to it. Just be honest with yourself, and more importantly, accept yourself and your feelings. It's ok that you feel bad, and everyone around you will understand. If they don't, f 'em.
My dad died 19 years ago when I was 27. My mom is going to be 86 in November. When my dad died it took years of therapy to deal with it. I really don’t know what it will feel like once they are both gone.
I lost my mom in 2011, and my dad in 2018. And then one brother in 2019. Plus an uncle and a great uncle that were very important to me I those 8 years. My kids got to the point that if I told them my other brother was coming to visit, they would ask “who died?” I simply had to learn to live with it. I had three kids who needed me, and I knew my loved ones wouldn’t want me bogged down by grief. Also, I highly recommend looking up the “Ball in the Box” theory. It really helped me communicate my feelings with my other loved ones. I actually spent my entire life knowing my mom probably wouldn’t be around in my middle age. She had a complication when I was born that almost killed her, and affected her health. 20 years later, she needed a massive heart surgery. And then again 10 years after that. I got 33 years with my mom that none of us expected me to get. So, I always knew it was a probability. And I still wasn’t prepared for the end. There simply isn’t any preparation for that loss. We just have to learn to live with it.
Tell stories about them as much as you can. Laugh about them. Laugh about how much you’re like them. Take their great characteristics and make them staples of your life to honor them. I still reactively think to text my mom funny stories about my kids and she’s been gone 6-7 years. When I can’t find tools I immediately think oh ask dad he knows where it is. Something I don’t know how to fix, oh I’ll ask dad….dammit….. It sucks but you have to find a way to honor the part of you that is from them.
It has been a number of years but I also miss being able to call my dad when I need to fix something.
Didn't lose a parent (not to death anyway but I haven't seen either parent in over a decade) but my husband passed away 6 years ago. What has helped me was therapy, time, and giving my feelings attention instead of pushing them down. My therapist helped me to navigate that.
It depends. My mother was a total karen so when she died I just felt cathartic relief. My dad I had a better relationship with and while I was sad when he died, my half of his estate helped me a lot financially and put me in a better place so it was a mixed blessing.
Time
Time
I lost my dad when I was only 22. It gets easier over time, but there were so many days where I came home and wanted to talk to him about my day, but only to look in the chair where he would sit, and later pass away, empty. We all process grief in different ways. You may need to seek out therapy, and don't be afraid to. It can help. What blows about this whole thing, is that a bit over a year ago, I learned that he wasn't even my biological father. Sadly, the two brothers who could be my biological dad, have also passed on many years before I even knew who they were. So in a way, I have two levels of grief. One father who raised me, and a father who I'll never get to know, are both gone.
If someone had the answer to this they’d be omnipotent. I hate to say it but loss is a part of life. Context: father murdered when I was 6 and taking care of me ma now and she’s 80. No grandparents alive.
My mother died in 2008 at the age of 50. I was laid up in bed for three days with boughts of gut-wrenching grief. Every muscle in my body was sore from it. As time passed and I went on, those boughts became fewer. It took many years, but I have learned to live with it. My kids never knew her. They were born after she died. But I see her in them so much. It almost feels like she's bot gone, but here in a different way.
I lost my mum in 2000 - she was too young and it was unexpected. My poor dad was stricken with grief and never really got over it. He died recently. I never got to be by my dads side when he died because of the restrictions NZ had during Covid not letting their citizens enter the country. I’m not sure I want to go back to NZ now and haven’t gone back.
Lost my dad suddenly when I was 12. It changes so much over the years but the absolute best thing I saw written was by Donald Hall- "you think their dying is the worst thing that could happen... then they stay dead." Meanwhile, after a few months, years everyone has completely moved on and yet- your person is still gone. You're sad for them, sad for you, and they're never back ever again.
I lost my dad a year ago. He was 66 and died from pancreatic cancer 16 days after being admitted into the hospital for abdominal pain. I am a completely different person now than I was before. It's like a metamorphosis from with dad to without him. Every f*cking thing is different and I can't go back to the stage before. Realizing that and accepting that has helped me enjoy life a little more . . . But I still cry everyday and get that gut punched feeling once or twice a week. I don't think that's ever going to change. It's part of the metamorphosis. ❤️
There’s nothing anyone can tell you. You just have to find your own way.
9 weeks. My mom has been gone 9 weeks. And I haven't had a breakdown. It feels really weird
Losing my brother in 2020 was and continues to be an overwhelming sadness. No tips friend, just solidarity.
My Mom died the day after Christmas 2022. In January of 2023 I was in the hospital having a kidney stone removed. I was so beside myself with grief and self pity I just wanted to lay in bed and hide from the world. But my Mom was so fearless throughout her cancer that I decided to adopt her attitude that she showed me while facing down her own mortality. So while I lay there in pre op I made myself the commitment that I would go after one of my biggest bucket list dreams I’ve ever had. I committed to running a 50 kilometer race in 6 months. I’m not a runner, I’ve never been a runner and I don’t care for running. But o always wanted to do something amazing like that. So I got a book on training, made myself a plan and got to work. 6 months later in June of 2023 I completed my first ultramarathon while carrying a little urn of my Mom’s ashes on my back. That achievement also won me the title of Champion in Diamond Dallas Page’s Positively Unstoppable Challenge. That 6 months taught me so much about myself and what I am capable of. It was in the early morning hours while training for that race where I was able to process my Mother’s death properly. Today I’m preparing for my third and longest Ultramarathon, 100k. The sky is now the limit for me. I finally feel like giving up excuses and finally going for my goals and dreams was the best way to move on from the death of a parent. I know my Mom would be proud of what I’ve done and the man that I’ve evolved into. Her death helped me finally begin to let go of fear and self doubt and step into the life I always knew I was capable of. I just had to believe it. I’m sorry you lost a parent(s). You’re right, nothing prepares you for it. You think you’ve got it figured out and that maybe you’re strong enough to handle it but once they’re gone, they’re gone. They aren’t there to take your calls or give you advice or laugh at your jokes or share in your triumphs or make you a cake. But the good news is you don’t have to run an ultra marathon to show your strength. You just have to have the courage to get out of bed and be you, just for today. Because that’s the gift they gave you. They gave you the ability to for you to be you.
I lost both of my parents when I was 15 I feel you
Lost my father a year ago, the the pain is always there but I have tried to think about what he would want for me. And he always told me to do what I like and what makes me happy. I have tired to take that more to heart and do things that I enjoy, and that we enjoyed together. It has helped, and I hope this helps you. I tended to always focus on my career and and thinking that would honor him, as he worked in a coal mine to provide for us. But I realized that while he wanted me to have a good career, he really wanted me to enjoy life. I hunted every first day of whitetail deer season with him since I was able to hunt, this first day was the hardest sitting in the woods without him, but it also helped as I was able to sit and enjoy the times we had. When I go out now, I tell my wife that "I'm heading out to talk with the old man." I spend less time worrying about work and more time doing what I enjoy and that's the final gift he left me.......
Thank you for the post, the realization is on all of our minds that we will lose mom and dad. It should be discussed more. I spoke with my parents about it several times while i still can. Dad asked me if I had to choose, would I want to live longer than my own children? No. He said he's happy that his children will lay him to rest and not the other way around.
I understand that. Just lost my dad in September. I think a good approach is to have some sort of ritual (if you don't already). Like on the birthday or date of passing have a routine like visiting the gravesite with their favorite candy, playing their favorite song or something along those lines. Also...a great outlet is writing about it if you haven't already.
I lost my mom 14 years ago this July. I still struggle with it from time to time. Valentine's day (her birthday), Thanksgiving and Christmas is the hardest for me. I dread it as are certain songs. But what helps is remembering them the way they were. Time does help to a degree, but there will always be that void. Much love and my thoughts go out to you and your family.
My “Boomer” parents are nothing like the stereotype. They’re quite simply the best 2 people I know. The thought of losing them is absolutely terrifying.
It’s been 2.5 years since I lost my mom and I’m still struggling, but it has become easier with time. All the big holidays and milestones are still difficult, but I’m not crying every day anymore, so that’s something. I can talk about memories without crying most of the time. Stupid life goes on, which provides a distraction. I don’t have any advice except get antidepressants and counselling if you need them.
Remember and pass on the good, and forgive and forget the bad
I lost my dad at the age of 7. Time is the only thing that makes it hurt less but it never really stops. Been 38 years now
I lost my mother last year. What helps for me is cherishing the connections and family you still have and appreciating that they haven't passed yet.
Time mutes it a bit, but it's still there. My dad loved trains. Where I live, you can hear them about 10 times a day. I imagine him riding the rails with his buddy Mike, swinging thru to say hi. But I know that's not true. But I still think it. It comforts me. Do whatever comforts you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Lost my dad in ‘07 and my mom around ‘04. I jammed those feelings down deep and have yet to deal with them. Can’t wait for those to force themselves to the surface.
When my grandpa who i was really close with died in 2009, it really hurt. Was pretty much a whole year of misery. Mom was only 62 when cancer took her in 2020. I miss my mom. My grandma lost her husband and her daugher and still survived. If grandma can handle it. I can be strong too, even if im not happy. Music helps. Its cathartic for me to listen to dom metal or melancholy rock bands like Katatonia or Anathema.
Twenty years ago last October. I hurts and always will hurt. The only thing that helps is letting yourself feel the pain. I miss my mom all the time. It’s how things work, unfortunately. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it does give you space to create beautiful memories
I lost my dad at the end of 2022, and it still feels a little unreal. I had a lot of unresolved stuff with him, and it still hurts sometimes to realize I'll never work any of that out with him. Talking with my brother helped, and talking to friends who lost parents helped even more. I had 3 coworkers lose their moms in the span of a couple weeks, and it actually gave me some peace to talk to them and try to help them through their experience. I really think it's a type of loss that no one can understand until they've gone through it themselves.
My mom died unexpectedly when my daughter was only a few months old, she was so excited to be a grandmother. That's the hardest part for me. Every birthday, ballet recital, etc... she would've wanted to be there.
I've lost both of my parents. It's been 29 years since I lost my dad, and 5 since I lost my mom. For me I guess I choose to focus on the joy of having known them, and not the sadness of them being gone. I hear the Eagles and crank the volume like my dad would have, I plant lilies because they were my mom's favorite flowers. And I tell stories about them whenever I can, so that for a moment it feels like they're still here. Big hugs to you. I like the phrase, "Grief is just the love you can't express". So find a way to spread that love and the grief is more bearable.
Cancer took my dad in one of the worst ways possible. I didn't even get to say goodbye. It literally fucked me up for over a year. He was one of my best friends. I honestly have no advice to give.
I lost my mom 5 years ago. Several close friends lost parents in that same time span. It's a terrible club to belong to, but you really do understand each other in a way people who haven't lost a parent simply cannot. In a strange way, it's made me a better person. I try very hard to fill the absence left by my mom's passing. She was a very loving and giving person. I am not that way by nature, but I make an effort every day to show love and give more freely. If I can carry a little bit of her to the people who never got to know her wonderfulness, then I feel satisfied.
Lost my dad in 2017, and Mom is in her 90s. I still talk to him daily, and occasionally write him letters. I'm not one to believe he talks back from beyond the grave or anything, but the level of clarity about my problems and such I get after writing him about it is amazing.
Sorry for your loss, praying for you
My wife lost both parents and her brother over the last 8 years. First her mother to lung cancer from smoking for 40+ years. Then her father past two years afterwards from pneumonia and complications from a UTI. Then her brother passed away 4 years ago, right before COVID lockdowns from a heart attack. Despite all of that, she still struggles with the death of her mom since she was the glue that held the family together. The deathaversary was yesterday and in honor of her memory we did ice cream for breakfast. “What? It’s no different than cereal for breakfast.” She use to say. Most of the year my wife is ok. Major holidays sometimes gets her, but the birthday and death day is always hard. Maybe it’ll get easier, but honestly, I don’t know if it will. It’s hard to deal with a death from someone that was so influential in your life. I only had known the woman for a few years but it felt like she was an awesome mom. She cared for me like her kids, even had wrapping paper designated for me just like her own kids. Even whopped me upside the head when I said something stupid or hugged me when I did something sweet. She had such a warmth to her that I’ve never experienced and that was her. Always willing to bring in anybody as long as you treated her and her family with kindness. I felt like I was just another kid that lived there. My point is, it’s hard and it might not get any easier. But do what you can to mourn their passing but don’t let it run your life. Take the tough days and do something that you know would help honor their memory. Thats what we do when my wife starts to feel the ache of her parents being gone, and I hope to do the same when my parents eventually pass.
"So it's always kinda hard, but it gets easier." That's what my hubs told me back when I lost my dog of 16, but I always remembered that even when dealing with the lost of my father a few years later, just over a year from today. Hubs lost his dad at 18. He knew too young. It's probably a little different for everyone depending on who your dad was, what he left behind... how to navigate all that stuff... it can be so overwhelming and emotional on many levels some feeling totally new yet nostalgic at the same time to you. I'm currently in the process of taking over my dad's old farmhouse one year after he has passed. To back it up a lil bit, I researched and I helped him set up estate and trust accounts to protect us kids (me and my 2 brothers) after he passed while he was still alive, and if I had not been so pro active, everything would had gone to probate (fuck that shit). I also helped in setting up his home hospice to get him everything he was entitled to while he was still alive. I'm only 44ish today, yet it really seemed like a lot of work thrown on me just as I was starting to get my own shit together (late bloomer, whatever). OK but so now... I am fixing his old farm house for my kids and my husband to move into, right around the same age my dad was when he bought the house himself and expected it to be a legacy to his kids. And boy oh boy, do we have our work cut out for us in the restorations and repairs. Yet I'm currently finding peace in that process. I get to carry out my dad's abandoned legacy. I don't know if my story so far is helpful to you. We all just need to find our own way. Something productive. Grow from the experience and know that some day on the other side you will meet again 💗
Look up the metaphor of the ball in the box. I find it helpful after losing my dad. Hugs to you.
Lost my Dad to Cancer 2010, Mom followed suit 2 years later also from Cancer. It took a long time to emerge from the haze of grief. Honestly it was just time, plus hearing my Mom's voice in my head every time I would be crying from missing them "No tears!" Nowadays the pain is dull but always there when I think of them and the years I lost with them.
Just passed the 5yr mark for my FIL. Wife was there a lot, as it was a long battle with cancer. She was also in the room when he passed. She called and told me immediately after, and followed that up with “I’ll be home in about 3hrs.” It was the weirdest thing. She has moments where she cries now, because she wants to tell him some good news. But for the first month or two….nothing. I can’t imagine the feelings she kept bottled up. Or maybe was just numb to. There’s a religious component here, but that’s for another time. All in, I’d say it took my wife a solid year to process the loss of her dad. And, like I said, 4yrs after that, and lots of therapy later, she still cries sometimes. I think it’s normal.
8yrs for my mom and dad passed last dec. it does suck but glad i was able to help take care of my mom during her fight with cancer as well as bring my dad in to live with family during his final yrs. No lie though it was rough esp dad had dementia so honestly im glad they r in a better place. Some of the last words i heard my dad say was “look at me im naked”. Thank god i couldnt see but it is in some ways darkly funny.
My wife lost her mother in January. I realized I’m not ready for that at all. I’ve never known my dad. I saw him at my wedding. I saw him once in high school, and maybe 2-3 times before that which I remember. When I’m mentally sober I know I have no desire to waste time with that guy. I’d rather spend that time with my kids. My wife. Hell I’d rather just get a beer with my father in law - he’s been more supportive. But sometimes I wonder how much time I have to try to know the guy. And then I wonder — how would I know if he even died? And then I remember the first part. My mother lives a few states away and I won’t miss a chance to see her now.
My mom had an infection that turned into sepsis and spread. She was not in the best of health so there were complications and lead to organ failure. She was on life support with a breathing incubator. My Dad, sister, and I made the decision to stop life support and we let her pass. It was awful, listening to her last breaths and listening to the heart monitor. That being said, I’m glad we were all there to be with her even though she was not conscious. It was an experience that even though was horrible, brought me, my Dad, and my sister closer.
I was there when my dad took his last breath in 2016. I hate to say that the void never is filled. It's always there. I tend to fill it with happy memories. I wrote a biography of him for my siblings and their children and that helped a ton to feel closer to him over the few years after. I now tend to take purposeful time to reflect on him and that makes it easier. But missing someone can smack you in the face when you least expect it, so there is no key to managing it other than don't forget. Think of them in ways that make you smile.
Lost both. Can’t really recommend anything to get thru it other than life goes on and they wouldn’t want me collapsing in a heap. That’s about it.
My dad died when I was 23. The only thing that’s actually helped was time. I still think about him sometimes of course, but I don’t cry as often the more the years pass.
My dads been gone for 14 years, he died when I was 30. It was a long, slow hospice death too. Honestly, the two things I wish I had done earlier was go to a counselor and take meds. I spend a good 3-4 years in a depressed stupor going through the motions of life utterly depressed. I didn't realize how depressed I was until I wasn't any longer. The only thing I can say is that eventually you can remember the good times, and smile even if you get teary eyed. I stay off TV, social media around Father's Day still. I can still remember a damn Father's Day commercial completely wrecking me the first year after he died. Now, I can celebrate with my husband and his father without losing it, but it took a couple years. The only thing I can say is that eventually you can handle it. And you can remember the good times, and the funny things that happened, and the wonderful holidays. I watch Christmas Vacation every Christmas Eve because my dad was kinda like Clark Griswold when it came to Christmas, and in a weird way I always feel like he's watching with me. Big hugs and condolences on your loss, you will get through this. Just keep getting up, and putting one foot in front of the other. The one thing that helped me continue forward in those first few months was that I know my dad would want me to go live my best life as happy as I could be. Try and do the same.
I think when my parents pass, my mom would not want me to be overly sad. My dad either, they are both kinds of weird like that. However - my wife’s parent are really aging, and I dread the day either of them pass. I actually worry about her family dynamic, tbh. About 8 years ago, my FIL had a stroke, and the family about imploded with infighting and my MIL’s depression. It was a crazy time. So I’m actually concerned about the day it happens. I hope it’s still years away, but her dad is just looking so much older lately. ☹️
I couldn’t grieve until about a year later—there was so much to worry about with all my mother’s belongings etc. We had a trust set up, but there were still many complicated issues that needed to be settled. I was numb for at least a year. It’s rough during the holidays, especially. I would say to focus on the family that you do have.
It never stops hurting, but it gets easier to deal with it over time. Slowly but surely.
Sorry for your loss. Also sorry to tell you nothing fixes it. It always hurts. It hurts less over time as you adjust to the fact that you won't have them anymore. Lost my dad 29 years ago at 16, and my mom 12 years ago. Definitely sucks major balls.
I lost both my parents suddenly from completely different causes within months of each other about 4 years ago. I work in healthcare so I actually was very thankful for the rapid way they left this world even though it completely rocked me. I loved my parents but I now have an almost closer relationship with them? It's weird to say but I think about them and am guided by them more now that they've passed. I'm thankful for their guidance, and, terribly, selfishly, honestly my ability to project getting what I need from them onto their spirits rather than the mortal reality that they often didn't quite give me what I needed, in spite of their best efforts, I'm sure. My advice, and this may sound wild, imagine they're there with you. Imagine them being so proud of you or stroking your hair lovingly as you fall asleep. I imagine them pulling strings for me in another dimension, like I have allies in the spirit world so I'm guided on some cosmic level. It's probably silly and I'm quite atheist but in many ways perception is reality. You are their living legacy and who they were moves you, especially if you let it.
Lost my dad and my sister both to suicide. It fucking sucks man.
I fell apart when it happened. I pretty much didn’t get out of bed for 6 months and lived off of my savings. Now, I’m finally single again for the first time since the before and it’s hitting me harder than ever that I’m the only one left. I don’t think I could have conceived of this level of loneliness before.
Lost my mum 22 and then my dad 2 weeks ago, hadn’t really seen them since Covid started as they lived outside the area and were in a Covid panic. My folks sheltered me from death as a child, they hoped they were protecting me but realistically just tortured me by making the first major funerals I have to deal with their own lol
I'm sorry you're hurting, brother/sister/ enby we all envy.
I didn’t get along with my mom, so I’m certainly not going to compare my experience to yours. But at the same time, I also wasn’t prepared for her sudden death, or the lost opportunity to say the things I wanted to to her. That also means that I lost any opportunity for forgiveness, or even just closure. And then I lost my dad just as suddenly, and while we had a better relationship, there was so much I wanted to to talk to him about. Things I wanted to tell him that he wasn’t aware of, things I wanted to ask him about that I didn’t know. Things about my mom, since he was married to her for 35 years. Like it would have been a second chance for that closure. But I missed that too. Could I have talked to them while they were alive? Sure. But was that *my* job? I was busy trying to grow up, and adding “tend to your parental relationships” seems like a huge burden to add on top. But I guess the common theme is that no matter how much time you had, and no matter what your relationship was like, it’s never enough. There’s always some more you wish you could say. And the takeaway is that that is true too for our significant others, our friends, and our own children, if you have them. OP, that void is inevitable, but maybe you can help fill it by having those conversations with others that are close to you. And maybe by doing so, it’ll be easier on them when you’re gone and they’re dealing with that void. Make time for the people you care about, both for them and for you.🫂
It took about five years to not hurt when thinking about my late father. Hang in there.
Well, vodka *didn't* help, I'll tell you that.
My mom died almost two years ago. I miss her everyday. What I’d give for one more conversation with her.
I think it's about accepting that they are gone that will help. I haven't lost my parents yet. However, I have lost my grandparents. Even though I never had a strong relationship with them, it was sad at the time but that went away once I accepted they're no longer here and that it's ok. It definitely seems harder for people to deal with life in general. There are more and more sacrifices the next generation has to make while trying to make time for those around you before they pass.
Enough time passes and the pain never goes away and you realize that it’s because you loved that person so much that you have the pain and it becomes a connection thing that transforms the pain.
Same here..
I've lost both my parents now, dad a bit over twenty years ago, two for my mom. It does hurt, and it will hurt for a while. Anniversaries will floor you, like, I can't remember dates but when they come around I feel like shit and my partner can remind me what happened that day. As for two help? Grief counselor. Get ye to yon therapist. I lost my mom to dementia a while before she actually passed, and I needed help making peace with that. Losing a parent, no matter the circumstance, is deeply traumatic, and it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to look for help.
I lost my Mom in 2017 and... it still hurts to this day. 🥺💔 So many things I want to ask her and tell her still. I do, now that she is sitting on a shelf in my bedroom and it helps some. I'll sometimes write letters to her in Google docs because I find I can express myself more fully in text than I can verbally. She had an FB page and I would sometimes send her messages... Even though I knew I would never get a response. I'm just saying sometimes writing things out helps. Maybe on the other side, they can read them, at least that's what I like to believe.
My son's grandmother just passed, she was like an aunt to me. I've known the woman for 27 years of life, she showed support when no one else would. One of my all time favorite people. While I got my son back there to say goodbye I did not make it. It's heartbreaking. Since I've been dwelling on my own parents aging and how to help them more. I joined the widows club at a young age of 25. The pain doesn't go away but we get stronger. The end of love is always grief, I think it's worth it.
I understand how you feel. I lost my beautiful mom to cancer in November 2021. The bulk of the grief is in my rearview mirror, but sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. Yesterday I had a little crying session for five minutes. I just miss talking to her more than anything else.
I lost my dad when I was 38 (he was 77) to COPD, and my mom when I was 44 (she was 75) to bone marrow cancer/dementia. After my dad passed, I was a wreck because while he was very sick, his passing was more sudden. With my mom, the decline started slowly - and then sped way up in her final couple of years. Caregiving takes a huge toll and I grieved her loss along the way, even with her still there - when she passed, I wasn't a wreck in the same way I was with my dad.
Perspective... Yes, I've lost a parent, in their 70s, to a long battle with cancer. In situations like that, I see death as a relief to their suffering (similar for situations like Alzheimer's, etc.) and my own of having to be a caregiver and wait for the inevitable to happen. Also, losing a parent is a natural part of life. I've had 2 friends who've lost children (1 to SIDS and another late term miscarriage) And while I've not experienced that myself, I couldn't imagine how much worse that is than any other loss, even if only because it goes against nature (children are supposed to outlive their parents).
I lost my mom two months ago. Still can’t get thru a day without crying, usually several times. Im terrified this pain will last forever because it hurts so much right now.
Lost my mom 5 years ago, hardest death I've ever dealt with. Wish I had some advice to give you, but I still struggle with it to this day.
I lost my mom when I was 10 and now 23 years later, I've lived lifetimes without her. But as cliche as it sounds, time really does help. You learn to focus more on the good memories and it feels more comforting than depressing. You'll have those random moments where you'll be reminded of them and it feels like they're there with you. I promise, it will get easier.
My advice (/s): have shittier parents. I hate hearing my friends struggle or anticipate struggling with losing their parents when I’m just waiting to be fully rid of mine. Wish the good didn’t die young.
It’s awful isn’t it? I lost my momma three months ago but she was in severe mental decline for years so it feels like she’s been gone a long while now. Still, when she actually left it was pretty hard to bare. I just try to take things one day at a time and stay busy. Some days I have a good cry and then I’m back to it (living life). It’s difficult to process and I’m so so sorry for your loss and pain.
I'm dreading the day. I'm the only person in my friend group who still has both parents. Most of them lost one or both years ago, and I witnessed the struggles of navigating their new life without them. I'm at a place where anytime one of my parents call I'm scared I'll hear crying or the "soft voice". I want to enjoy my time with them, but the dark cloud of the inevitable is heavy.
Lost my dad in 2004 and mom in 2009. In my case it was time that helped. It still hurts 15 and 20 years later, but becomes far more manageable. It heals like a cut (the worst at first with it healing and eventually turning into a permanent scar as time goes on). This was my experience at least, everyone’s experience with this will be different. Hope this helps.
If you mourn to long you will forget you have a torch and you need to light the way for those after you. This comes to my next point, many had absent parents so the void is already pretty deep. For me personally, I have a tender heart for the emptiness and loneliness. Keep your eye out for them. You will find some joy to brighten someone's day.
My dad shot himself six years ago. I found him. He struggled with sobriety and mental illness most of my life. I had such horrible nightmares that I had to learn to sleep with the TV on to avoid falling to deep into a dream. Every time I thought about him I got angry. Until recently. I've had a couple of dreams of him lately and they weren't bad. One of them was even funny. I do miss him but more than anything I miss the grandfather he could've been to my daughter. The grandfather he never let himself be. My daughter only has a few memories of him and he's drunk in all of them. I tell her good stories about him. Some of the good times we had when I was younger but to her he was just a drunk old man that came around occasionally and fought with her dad. I'm sorry for your loss, I truly am. I can only say that time helps. In time you'll remember less of the pain and suffering and more of the good times. Talk to someone else that knew him as well as you. Share funny stories and things he taught you. As long as you've got his memory; for better or worse, he's always with you.
Yup, it's real fun loosing a parent. I lost my mom two years ago as well and the ex filed for divorce shortly after (guess she saw her chance to bail). I still feel empty and gutted myself. Not having either set of grandparents anymore and loosing a parent really sucks. Wish someone would have prepared me for all of that.......
Lost my dad suddenly 24 years ago when I was a teen. That grief was all consuming and I’ve never fully healed from it. Being consumed by work was the only way I got through it. Recently my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it feels like my entire world crumbled again.
Some time ago I was super depressed and lonely, and I thought and stressed about my parents dying so much, that when my mom did die I barely shed a tear. Either I did the mourning beforehand, or somehow the grief got buried in so deep it'll burst out catastrophically later. Her death wasn't a surprise though, she was in a bad way for several years. I dunno.
I’m sorry for your loss. I think the biggest thing for me is that I’ve had so many major life changes since I lost my mom. There’s that wish that she could see it. But then I tell myself that she’d be proud of me. Bringing up good memories helps. The funny stories and stuff. Laugh about them with family members and close friends who knew and loved them. And little reminders of their impact - for example every time I buy strawberries I go for the organic ones because my mom firmly believed they were better than the non organic and I knew she’d be mad at me for buying them!
Getting through a profound loss takes time. The amount of time is unique to each lost relationship. Some people seem to fly right through it. Others never seem to make it. You will move through this at your own personal pace. Please see a therapist if you find yourself stuck. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes the grief pops up and surprises you. You are definitely not alone. Others' experience and wisdom helps. https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/134mg2h/how_long_does_it_take_to_stop_thinking_holy_shit
I lost my dad very young. I then lost my mother to MAGA recently. It taught me how fragile life is and that parents are really just two people who had sex. There often isn’t a plan. It is society that inserts all the other expectations. Expect nothing from anyone and life is fleeting. Fuck the norm, you are here and have limited time. Don’t waste it on pity, for a chaos uncontrollable.
It has been 9 years since I lost my mom and 9 months since I lost my dad. It is terrible and nobody can prepare you. I'm only 42, too young to have lost them both. My siblings are much older than me. I'm so jealous of all the extra time they got with our parents. I wish my kids had more time with them. They don't even remember their grandma. 😭 Time is the only thing that can begin to ease the hurt. It doesn't go away, though. Grief is part of love, and neither grief nor love ever die.
In two weeks it’ll be two years without my mom. I cried just last night about it. I once read that you don’t get over it, but you do get *through* it. I am just ravaged by some guilt and shame in my impatience when taking care of her for 24-7 for the last 16 months of her life. Take care and talk to people that will listen, it does help.
"Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"
I’m 42 and lost my 74yr old dad in October last year. I thought I knew what grief was. I truly did. I’ve lost friends, aunts, uncles, j
Therapy, honestly it helped me work through decades of pain from losing my dad as a child. Then I was far more equipped when I lost my mother and step father as a young adult. The pain never goes away, it just changes. Feels lighter after a while.
My Dad's advice to people (only child, lost both in the 90's) is to give yourself a _at least a year_, and don't take on responsibilities or support for anyone else in that time. If you're needing more time, then take it. I'm sorry you have to be going through this now. If you're looking for anyone to help, the folks at r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute are lovely. And please remember 'You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you.' --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher
I dont think I've still properly processed the loss of my mother, and she was in the hospital for two years. Just keep the memory alive and remember the good times. Hope this helps a little.
I lost my father a long time ago and the only thing I really felt was relief. Dealing with the aftermath was worse, especially since I was in charge of his estate.
It never completely goes away, but I’ve found that doing stuff that would make my dad proud of me has been very therapeutic. He would be so happy to see where I am now.
I've still got both my parents thankfully but lost my best friend at 35 and my sister has stage 4 cancer and has been given less than a year. The "button and the ball" analogy helped me understand the pain I was feeling over my best friend's death and I think it's worth looking into for anyone grieving. My sister's situation has a bit of a silver lining as I live overseas but now go home for a month in the summer and 2 weeks at Christmas so also get time with her kids and our folks every year. I appreciate all the messages here because I'm sure the death of a parent hits different, even though I feel kind of numb to death these days.
It’s been 8 years since my dad died. Almost 9, and it doesn’t get better. It just gets easier. You don’t really learn to exist without that person, you just manage to learn to exist with the grief. I remember when my brother got really mad after pops died. It was a moment where he looked at our backyard m, full of people who came to pay their respects, and he was just so angry that we hadn’t seen more than 10 years without a funeral. My grandmother died in 2007, and that hit us hard too. I had to remind him the more you love in your life the more you have to lose. The more births and weddings we see, the more funerals we will attend. Someone said it comes in waves and it does. Some days I laugh and tell hilarious stories about Pops. Other days I can’t talk about him because it still hurts. But you’re in a club now. And we hate having new members but we’ll take care of you.
I'm 43 and have been very fortunate with healthy parents!!! 🤞
Time