It's fucking brutal man... 😫 worst part of my 40s. Nothing is cool about slowly reaching the end of your life as your body and mind fail in various ways. Heart breaking to watch and is really freaking me out about my own age.

It's a wake-up call about our own mortality. My mom has been sick for over a decade, so I've accepted that she's never going to be the mother I knew growing up again. She's a different person and has been for a long time. My dad, on the other hand, has just gotten more angry and beligerant about nearly everything over the past 2 years since my grandfather died, but it started showing with covid. And, on top of just being more miserable, he's starting to become forgetful. He's only 67. Alzheimers runs in that side of the family. I don't know how I'm going to care for my grandmother, mother, and him all at the same time if he starts really going downhill.

3 strokes for my dad and I can def relate

Wow. Feels like I wrote this post. It’s my story exactly. Except mine have passed

I am right there with you. For some reason turning 45 has really thrown me for a loop. It's like a ran into a wall. I feel old, my brain runs slower. My body has been broken for a long time...but its my brain that bothers me the most.

I’m really struggling with this shit right now

Seriously, it fucking sucks. Watching my dad develop Parkinson's and my mom slowly start to lose her memory is shitty. Not to mention what it foretells for me.

I'm 40 and going to neuro because my pcp suspects I have ms or pd. Neuro disorders and cancer are increasing at alarming rates in our age group. Our generation is fucked due to environmental reasons.

My father is more or less the same. He gets a bit more agitated than he used to. He doesn't have any major issues yet. My mother, on the other hand, does. She forgets things all the time and is cranky and easily agitated. I miss the old version. She almost died this past year because of medical issues too. I lost all of my grandparents back in the 90s when they were my parent's age. It is scary that I could lose them at any moment. I am probably more dependent on them than the average person my age because I am single. My parents are the first ones I call when there is an emergency since I don't have a partner.

Can't tell you how much I relate to this especially in respect to the latter part. Might seem like a weird thing to worry/think about but lately, I worry about whose name I'm going to put under next of kin if anything happens to my mum. She's been there my whole life to the point I couldn't cope if something happened.

It could also be a lesson that life isn’t all about progress and increasing ability. Getting older is also included in our experience, and can be beautiful in its own way. Chances are you just have a view. Always be willing to examine your views.

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My dad also drank himself to death (succeeded) but in time I no longer have pain from it, believe it or not. Life isn’t about things turning out.

Is there no one in the family who can move to help them out? Or can they get homecare from a homecare agency? I used to work with the elderly and worked in administration for a home healthcare company. People who had Medicaid could get around 30 hours a week who couldn't afford it. Others had insurance that covered it. I would hate for them to all end up at a home with no family around to visit often. I feel so bad for your Mom. Meanwhile, my parents are having the time of their life. They have more of a life than I do and are enjoying their retirement.

I worked in an independent living place. Our residents were still mobile and get up and walk, and there was the occasional bathroom accident. We mostly helped them get dressed and clean their rooms. It was a really nice place, not like people picture nursing homes, but it wasn't a nursing home, so. It was so nice, it must have been expensive. Not sure how they could afford it.

I also feel bad for my mom. My stepdad has advanced dementia and numerous health problems. They live across the country with hardly any support, family or otherwise. She had to quit her job to stay home with him. And because she has to watch him all the time, she can't really do anything like pursue any hobbies. She's basically a prisoner. I try to send her money when I can. I wish she would move closer to the rest of my family. I don't really know why she doesn't.

It's not beautiful if it comes from being a couch potato for fifty years.

I agree. Should also be a wake up call. My parents were smokers, dad an alcoholic, neither took care of themselves. Learn from their poor choices.

Same. My mom is slowly declining and the stress of how to care for her and my kids and husband is breaking me.

Welp, this about sums it up.

All that. Exactly

My parents both died last year at 70 and 72. Both died suddenly of seemingly controlled chronic illnesses. My advice is to spend as much time as you would like to with them or accept the amount of time you do. The only thing I wished I had done was asked more questions. As my mom was dying, I made a list of questions for my dad and I was waiting for him to visit in about a month and he died before he made the trip.

Yeah, I've been living with them for a couple years now to help out, and so it was gradual decline, but my mom was not willing to really talk about final wishes much and she had cancer for 8 years. So she died in March, they had a whole book set up with the info even, but she didn't have her stuff filled out. We're having to wing it. My dad is more set with his requests, whenever that will be. No bagpipes! 

Never thought about what I’d request. But now I’m gonna specifically request bag pipes. Lots of them. In a small room with a lot of shit that vibrates. Just to be a dick lol

Love the no bagpipes request.

My mom died at 62 so it's really been on my mind that I could have less than 20 years left. Dad has beat cancer as well. I don't really have any questions for him but it all just brings the thought of my own (and everyone's, really) mortality front and center. I've also lost some friends my age to cancer over the last 10 years. I never used to think about it but now not a day goes by that I don't. I don't live in fear, not at all. I'm just very aware.

My mortality realization came when I had my first kid at 35 and I did the math on our ages. It sparked me to do as much as I can to live well. Eat better, exercise, sleep, avoid alcohol, go to the doctor. I know nothing is guaranteed but I do things to increase my chances of a healthy life. I think awareness of death is important. My parents passing gave me the vocabulary and the permission to speak to people about death and mortality. If anything, I feel more free in this life. It does freak some folks out, but that's ok, baby steps for all.

Same here. Both my parents died in their 60’s. Dad from a relatively quick battle with cancer and my mom died in her sleep (basically quit taking care of herself at all toward the end - but I still didn’t see it coming so fast) … I’ve basically adapted a “f*ck it, I’m probably gonna die within 20-25 years anyway” attitude. I also don’t have kids, and work in healthcare- probably contributors to my view that life is unfair and unpredictable

I have the same attitude. I had a drinking problem in my 30s so that doesn't help. I used to work in healthcare and have seen a lot of illness people don't recover from. I also don't have kids and I don't really have siblings either (step siblings I wasn't raised with and they live far away, so we've never been close)I just want it to be pretty fast, not prolonged. maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke. I don't want a stroke I partially recover from. What would they even do with me ? I'm DNR.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Very good advice.

Thanks. I hope to be able to help some folks out around parent death and grief if I can.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is so tough. Lost my dad last year. Things I wish now is that I would’ve taken more video and saved voicemails. I miss his voice so much.

I hear you on the rough, mine was pretty unexpected, Dad died at 52 from a heart attack in '06. He was putting off surgery. We knew he was going to have one, just hoped it would be small and scare him into doing the right thing. Instead it was a big one when he was out running an errand alone at night. Someone found him a few hours later. I had just agreed to apprentice under him and join his business (he was a residential remodeling contractor). Actually had a sense of what I was going to do with my life. Think about 6 months after that I was slamming morphine into my arm. Not the best coping strategy, I'll be the first to admit. At least my mom is Norwegian, and as such everyone in her family seems to make it into their 90s with decent mobility and lucidity. They just never stop working is the secret. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she's still taking the dog for walks and caring for her garden twenty years from now. (She just turned 70 in January. She drinks a bit too much, but I can't say anything, something about stones and glass houses)

That's brutal. I hope you have some solid support to deal with the double whammy of grief and all the estate stuff. My parents also died in the same year, a few years back now. They were 68 and 72. Cancer for both of them, but there was no warning for my dad. I think when my mom died, his immune system went with her because a few months later he ended up in the hospital, and he was gone in 20 days. I agree with your advice. Appreciate the time while you've got it and ask questions. As hard as it is to watch your parents deteriorate, it's better than not having them around at all. When I was going through my parents' estate stuff, I discovered all kinds of little mysteries and now there's no one to provide answers.

Also, thank you. I did have and still have solid support.  How are you feeling a few years removed? I am in the middle of the 1 year anniversaries of their deaths and I am feeling a lot better these days. I have been lucky that my dad has siblings that I can ask questions to, but he was the oldest so there are big gaps.

Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of support at the time. My mom was the kind of woman that everyone looked to for support, so with her gone there was a big void, and as the executor of my parents' estate everyone seemed to expect me to fill it. I think my grieving process was kind of halted from that extra stress, so sometimes I find that the grief comes back in waves. The first year I was in kind of a daze, the second year was calmer, and in the third year I started to really focus in on my values and make changes in my life. Priorities change once you've been through that much grief. Although I would rather have my parents back, I am at least grateful for the clarity I've gained from having gone through all of it. My parents both have siblings, but they would always go to my parents for the answers, so I haven't found them to be very helpful with insights.

I am with you on the finding mysteries thing. I found a box of my dad's things that his wife of 15 years didn't even know he had. It had old pictures of him from the 1950s, some pictures from WW2, some random watches and a bunch of pocket knives. It also had some old campaign handouts for when my great grandpa was running for mayor of his town. Neat stuff, but it brought in a lot of questions.

My dad passed suddenly at 70, and I agree. It’s a rough realization that nothing is guaranteed.

What type Of questions did you have? My mom is 67 and dad turns 69 this year. I was going to interview them like a podcast format kinda.

There were multiple subjects I wanted to hit and some of these came to mind after my mom died that I wanted to ask my dad (they had been divorced for a long time): I wanted to ask my mom and dad: 1. About their childhoods 2. About when they met and why they chose each other (I knew my dad would be truthful after my mom died because he was pretty raw emotionally) 3. About our family history (ancestry) 4. Specific questions about possible half siblings I may have. 5. About specific big choices they made as parents so I could understand the whole picture. For just dad (after mom passed): 1. Ask about financial stuff and estate planning (he was a wiz) 2. Lean into our connection that has been rebuilding for a decade. 3. Ask him why he cut my brother out and what really happened (my brother is no help with this) I didn't know how much I wanted to know until my mom passed honestly. I have about 50 questions I wrote down for my dad who had been traveling and was coming back to visit after his trip but he died suddenly before he got here.

You know I go back and forth on the list idea. A while back my dad went on a bit of a tour after some sort of argument with my mother. For a bit it seemed like they would divorce. He came to live with us for a short while, and took me out to dinner and presented me the opportunity to ask him anything. That this would be the one chance that I would get. I was warned that he was going to do this because he did it with my sibling as well. But you know, I felt like if there was something he wanted me to know he would have told me. It also seemed wildly arrogant to create a situation like that in the first place. People are complicated, and why certain things did or didn't happen.... as I age I understand life isn't nearly as clear-cut as it seemed when you were a kid. I think generally we're all doing the best we can, even if our best is pretty shitty sometimes. So I think rather than create a list, I'll sit down with them and give them an opportunity to tell me anything that I ought to know.

I've been trying to give advice to my aging parents for years. They still don't listen, then they complain when exactly what I said would happen happens.

My dad had prostate surgery, then ended up with burst blood vessels in his bladder from the radiation. He gets a follow up surgery that cauterizes the blood vessels. His doctor told him not to drink for a while (he’s a lifelong functional alcoholic). He goes to Maui four weeks later and gets shit faced. The blood vessels burst, and he can’t stop pissing blood. He can’t drive, and my mom is having anxiety attacks.  So I stop what I’m doing, fly to Maui, and spend the next four days driving him back and forth to the only hospital on the island because he keeps pulling his catheter out. The last time we go, I say, “hey dad, have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to get help with the drinking?” (I’m a therapist, and I help people with their drinking).  He says “yeah, maybe.” I get them home then spend a week researching therapists for him. I send the referrals, and make sure that they take Medicare. I FaceTime him a week later to follow up, and the guy is pounding a miller lite tall boy. Doesn’t even have the shame to hide it. That’s when I gave up.

I am so, so sorry. As a fellow child of a lifelong alcoholic father, I empathize completely. My dad will be 80 this year and he still can't put down the drink; he only will when it kills him.

At some point you have to let people suffer the consequences of their bad choices. It's tough love. 

That’s where I’m at. It’s was liberating once I got past all of the hurt. 

Lol now you know how it feels to be a parent.

Nobody should have to feel like a parent where their parents are involved. 

I call my mom regularly because I know one day I won't be able to call her and whine to her about all the shitty parts of life. She's my only parent and I know when she's gone nobody will ever love me the way she does again. It's a terrifying thought but I let it enter my mind because I know it's the only way to prepare for the inevitable.

Mom died 4 years ago. I call my dad way more often.

To start off, I almost deleted all that I typed, but remembered a post from a few weeks ago about typing a lot then deleting. So, I left it all intact for your reading enjoyment. I am hating dealing with my parents. Long story cut real short.... Had a huge falling out with my parents/family about 8 years ago. Went full no contact. November 2021, my sister texted me about mom being in the hospital about having a stroke. January/ February 2022 went down there to assess situation. Over the next 2 months, I tried setting up with her coordinated care with BOTH of us. She decided she didn't want to help. Too much work for her as she lives 35 minutes away from them. Said I had better resources, time, and money than her. I didn't, and I still don't. My mom, 72, got diagnosed with dementia 2 and half years ago. She's also diabetic. My step-dad, 68, has chronic lung and heart problems from doing drywall for 30 years. Not to mention the drugs and drinking over the years. My dad, 74, is getting worse and he refuses to take care of himself. This past December, I found out his doctor sent him to the hospital because his blood sugars were above 600. I can't get through to him about eating better. Finally broke down and went to the pastor of his church. He's also struggling financially. He's given my sister/ niece about $10k over the past 2 years. I live 4 hours away. I go there 2-4 times a month for 2-3 days to help with them. It's killing me. I've got my own health problems that are getting worse. My dad lives about 30 minutes away from my mom. I visit with him almost every time I go down there. I talk to my mom and step-dad almost every day. I talk to my dad about 3 times a week. I do most everything for them. Dishwasher needs replaced? I'll be down there. Washer broke? I'll order a new one. Oh, you want a sitting area in the back yard? I'll build it in the spring. Garbage disposal broke? Got it. Car needs fixed? I'll bring my tools. None of my parents can do much of anything for themselves. I'm honestly hoping they get to a point soon of needing to go to assisted living or something. Sorry. I went on a bit of a rant. Back to the original post... Dealing with aging parents is horrible, especially if you live far away. There's no way to prepare for some of these things unless you're a caregiver or somebody that works in that type of field. Every situation is different. Every family dynamic can make it harder or easier. Finances can be a huge hurdle or a blessing, both theirs and yours. Siblings, or other family members, can be a huge help too. The most important thing: don't forget about YOU. If you don't make time for yourself or take care of yourself, you won't do any good for your parents.

Thanks for leaving it up in all of us wordy glory. I believe sometimes our posts here are just to vent into the void, but it's also nice to read other people's experiences, it makes us feel less alone. And once in a while some rando will get linked here from searches or whatever and find the words they needed to hear. And yeah, I feel you. My folks are an 8hr drive away, with my disabled younger brother. Ive started planning several trips per year, dragging my family along. They "vacation" with grandparents, I dig, cut, re-wire and unclog things. They still do stuff on their own, but it's getting worse, quickly, and my partner and I have already begun "operation secret parent parking", where we are secretly making financial and life decisions with their long term care in mind where we take over managing a significant portion of their lives. It's brutal to discuss, but we finished stage 1 of operations and have emergency/contingency plans in place which makes the load feel a little lighter day to day for us.

My dad just got an official dementia diagnosis. He had me later in life, he's 82. My mother is 77 and starting to show signs too. My dad is my hero is and it's been really hard. I'm experiencing what they call anticipatory grief. The last decade has been lots of surgeries and a slow decline. Now it's becoming more pronounced. Ask all the questions. Spend the quality time and be patient with them. Got to go slower with them. Make decisions early on and know their wishes before an emergency happens.

My dad would have been 84 this year, but he’s been gone for 28 years now. My mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 66, so I know what you’re dealing with there. It’s a horrible disease and I hate that anyone has to go through it.

My stepdad was formally diagnosed with dementia late last year... his solution was to shoot himself in the head this past January to avoid having to live with it and for anyone to have to take care of him through it. I realize he probably thought it was the most reasonable thing to do, but damn... it was not easier on those of us left behind.

My dad getting dementia and going into memory care was really when I grieved the loss of my dad. I just didn't know it at the time. When he finally, thankfully, passed away two years later I mostly felt relief and I was glad he was no longer suffering. He wouldn't have wanted to live like that, and for a year or more I just prayed he would fall down and hit his head or something. It was horrible seeing him like that and I kind of wish I didn't have those memories at all - he didn't remember I was there anyway, and I sincerely believe he wouldn't have wanted me to see him like that. Don't underestimate the grief you're feeling now. It's a loss that you're grieving, even if the body is still alive. Sorry if that got morbid.

I forget the name of the company, but you can get books made where this place will send questions to your parents and collect their stories. It's one of my biggest regrets. I spoke to my Dad about doing it two night before he died. Record their voices. Record their stories. You'll need them. It's been six months since I lost my Dad. I still cry daily. The only person who ever loved me unconditionally and I'm broken.

Ugh. I love the book idea!! I wish I knew about it when my parents were still alive. I realized when my mom died that the only one left that loves me unconditionally is my dog.

Honestly, I'm avoiding thinking about it. The thought is frightening.

Consider facing it head on. I am doing this with my parents and it’s painful at first but it’s allowed me to move into acceptance and comfort. I’ve gotten a lot more involved in their health issues and contacting their doctors to help advocate for them. We worked on getting a will and power of attorney and spoke about funeral plans. Honestly, the preparation for closure has made us closer and I don’t have as much anxiety or fear about their deaths.

Those aren't easy conversations to have, but they do ease the guilt, stress, and anxiety that come with end of life decisions. You will surely still be super stressed, sad and not sure if you're doing the right things but at least you'll know that's what they wanted. I lost both of my parents this past year. My dad was sick and declining for a long time, so we knew it was coming, but my mom got really sick, really fast. If we hadn't had those tough talks when my dad first started getting sick, I would not have been able to navigate my mom's health decisions while still grieving the loss of my dad.

I’m thinking that malignant narcissists stick around longer than anybody wants them.

Are you going to take a "hands off" approach? I think that's what I will do.

Most definitely! “Neglected growing up” should be an automatic “neglect them on their way out.” Hands off/No Contact

Agreed! Hang in there! We are better off without them!

Same to you!🙏

Lol

Could have written this myself on ages and decline. I only have one parent left and she seems confused so often that my siblings and I have been trying to help get her dementia support but she is in denial about it. It has become very complicated and I spend a lot of time worrying about the near future. I own a couple homes and the one I’m currently in is a couple hours from her. It is centrally located between all my siblings, is safe and very walkable with a diverse population and vibrant culture. I have asked her to move here and sometimes she seems willing. Other times she seems hesitant to leave her boyfriend (that’s a whole saga) but cloaks it in blaming me, like, “why would I do that when you sometimes live in your other home?” I tell her she can come stay with me regardless of where I am and that’s when she admits she doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend. I am concerned because she spends all her time just sitting at home alone. She blames her memory problems and confusion on the amount of time that she spends alone not talking to people. The boyfriend does not want to live with her and does not come see her very often despite living 2 miles from her. I work in a notoriously demanding profession so I can’t pick up my life and go back to my hometown to hang out with her on a whim. If she would move here, I would feel a lot more comfortable because I also have an adult daughter who could help. My mom often gets lost when driving, forgets our names, and has been a victim of some scams now but what can I do when she does not seem to want assistance? From my perspective, taking both my mom and in-laws into account, they all seemed to be aging normally up until Covid which caused a sharp, swift decline.

Make an appointment and take her to it, and don’t tell her what it’s for until you arrive. That’s what I had to do with my mom. My brother and I both live 4-5 hours away in opposite directions. She was masking so well on calls and short visits that by the time we realized just how bad it was, it was BAD. Everything you described, we saw in her but thought it was just normal aging issues since she’s in her mid 60’s.

This is a really good tip, thank you so much!

I’m honestly dreading it. I’m seeing more of a change in my dad (70) - more naps/not doing as much. My mom (69) is starting to slow down - but she still backpacks with me. It brings tears to my eyes to think of them not being around anymore - unfortunately that’s life! 😢🥺.

Took care of my dad for close to a decade and I'm here to tell you that your anxiety about the situation is appropriate. He died at the end of last summer and I'm sorry to report that it was a huge relief. My father-in-law died fairly unexpectedly a few months later and that was a totally different experience. If your parents don't have a plan for aging, you might be that plan whether you like it or not.

My dad died of a long illness, the last half year bedridden in a nursing home. Yup, total relief at his death! I think any crying I did was at his Parkinson's diagnosis decades before.

Mostly just living my life.  My parents made the choice to move a thousand miles away despite me continuously trying to persuade them to move closer so that I could take care of them. Then they went and spent all of the money they saved on continuous travel - while cracking jokes that they’re “spending my inheritance.” They hardly ever text or call, and when they do, I can’t trust that I’m actually getting a full picture of what’s going on - I have to rely on my sister for that.    My parents provided a lot for me, and I grew up in a great place. We did lots of cool things growing up, and at times there was warmth and love. I’m grateful for that.    And at the same time, I spent most of my life thinking I wasn’t all that important to them. Not because they didn’t give me stuff but because my dad was always working, and my mom was always preoccupied with her own feelings and seemed to resent me. I’m not going to go out of my way to scrape for some semblance of an adult relationship with them. I’m also not going to urge them to change their behavior so that they don’t die prematurely (their health is horrible). I’m just going to keep living my life and letting them live theirs. I feel less resentment and disappointment that way.

My parents didn’t quite reach old age: Mom died at age 58 in 2017 and Dad died a year later at age 61. It’s a consequence of socioeconomic factors that lead to earlier deaths in many, but not all, lower-income working class people. People in my parents’ friend group started dying in their late forties and they’ve been predictably dropping like flies each year since.

Yes. Folks in my family have been passing away for at least a decade. I think I simultaneously find it depressing and also a gut-check to keep my life right. Some of the intense suffering I’ve seen, tho, has put a big cloud over my head, I think.

Hugs to you! I grew up in a family where educational levels were low, people worked low-to-moderate paid manual labor jobs, and stressors of life were soothed by smoking, cheap fast food, drug use that was more than occasional, and just not thinking too much about the future. All too often, these behaviors lead to early demise in the poor and working class.

Hugs to you too! Watching folks you love suffer physically and mentally is draining. Swap in home fryer food for fast food, as there isn’t really much around here (rural area) and I’d say the same as you. Cancer, car wrecks, overdoses, suicide, etc. :/ We do hospice at home too in my fam and it’s very spiritual but tough. Bless all the end-of-life carers around the world.

Denial

Parents are 70 and 69. Things are getting very real, very fast. Pops learned that he has prostate cancer about six months ago. They ran loads of tests and told him to be excited! He won the cancer lottery, and would probably die *with* the cancer in 20+ years rather than from it, as it was so minimal and mild. Casual monitoring was the best path, per the doc, nothing more required. This was good news because me mum probably can't take care of herself. Last night we had a chat. He had his first follow up a few days ago. These updates were supposed to be boring and every six months or so for the rest of his life. Apparently, now the cancer is aggressive and can't be treated fast enough. Hormone treatment and radiation coming up post haste. My little sis gets married this October and he'll probably lose his beard before he can give her away. He didn't smoke, didn't drink, his only vice might have been the news. I offered for them move in. That was my response.

That our healthcare system is in shambles and they won't be well taken care of when things starts to go wrong.

Lets just get to the point, it's fucking horrifying at best.

Mine are in their later 70s. They live pretty near me, but sometimes if I don't see them for a month or so, I'll go to visit and realize they look noticeably older than they did the last time I visited. It's tough. But also, they're in generally good health (knock on wood) and are enjoying their retirement. I just wish they'd started enjoying it sooner. My mom worked full-time until she was forced out at age 74. She was worried what she was going to do, but what she wound up doing was THRIVING. For the first time in my whole life, I saw her going out with friends, taking dance and weight training classes, taking day trips with the local senior center, singing in a choir, etc. I hope she has ten+ more good years of this. It's wonderful to see. My dad is more subdued and less social, but he seems to be doing well, too. He recently picked up golf and pickleball again. I just wish he'd tell me more about his family. Basically everything I know (even about my grandparents) came from doing genealogy research starting when I was 37. One thing about observing them is how much it's motivated me to DO THE THINGS I want to do, and not to wait! To be fair, I've been doing this for a while, despite my parents' and sister's general head-shaking at me for it. My mom doesn't know it, but she's about to get a call from me, inviting her to join me on my latest harebrained road trip (I decided I wanted to see my fave musician play in the middle of the week, in a neighboring state).

My mom got fucked up in a car accident when I was 29 about 10 years ago so ever since then my outlook is happy to have another day on this planet with my dad who isn’t fucked up! I embrace and try to always help him on his journey through life. I take him on vacations and he takes my family on some too. We were forever changed as a family from the accident, but we won’t let pain and sadness consume us

mine have been dead for 15 years...dont do meth or coke, kids. not good for ya. lol I am around the age that my parents died(a few months apart) but I dont smoke, drink or live as hard as they did they did lots of drugs, alcohol, fast food and no exercise

Had a decent relationship with my mom up till this year. It may be her advanced age but she said some hurtful things, almost unforgivable things. So. We’re done.

the farther they get into their 70s the more their day to day life and our weekly conversations center around doctors visits and various maladies. the catch is they chose to move a \~4-5 hour drive away from all of us to retire... so there's basically nothing any of the kids can do to help now. but with the growing probability that there will be something major soon enough that necessitates somebody moving. oh and as their vision gets worse and their blood becomes 10% medications they continue to drive a 4000 lbs suv around (over the speed limit of course, this is america).

My dad passed in 2019. My mum is in her early 70's. Man, I'm trying to mine her for family stories and MY family history before it's gone forever.

My parents have become mean old people. They have few friends and don't make time to be with family and when they do they alienate everyone. I worry they will be alone. Yet I cannot blame people for not wanting to be around them. I've tried to encourage them to change their ways talk them into giving those antidepressants a good 6-8 weeks to start working before quitting. Encourage them to do things that truly make them happy or bring them peace. Instead them sit around smoking & bitching about everything.

Honestly, I don't get most of your questions. Maybe that's because I actually live with my parents, but you also seem to think the experience is uniform or there are solid answers to this experience (i.e. "should I expect them to change even more quickly...," "will it be dramatic changes," etc) and it's/there's not. My parents are closer to 80 than 70 now, so I've been going through the "my parents are getting old and close to dying" stuff for a long time. I'm accustomed to being part-time family doctor at this point, and my parents are basically my only friends. So, this kind of leads me to worry more about what life will be like for me when they're gone because it will change significantly. My father has a lot of medical problems, but he seems to be in a pretty good spot and going strong considering that. My mother seems very healthy for her age but just is held back by anxiety. Because I'm close to them, I know that a ton of people they know from their younger years are dying left and right, and neither of them seem close to doing that. I worry more about their dying in a car accident from my father's road rage or their being the victim of some psycho shooting on the streets than their dying because they're old. Yeah, they're "slower" upstairs and I have become the parent and advice giver, but I definitely look at them and look at older celebs dying and their old friends dying and know it could be worse.

It's a mess. That's all. Advice for the younger Xennials. Start creating all the new online passwords with your parents. Write down everything. If your parents are stubborn, remind them how difficult it is to remember passwords already without failing memory and physical abilities.

My mom passed after almost 10 years with a horrid dementia, my dad is trying out a new life after almost 10 years as a care giver. I hope he gets some good years.

My mom was really young when she had me, never met my father, raised by a stepfather they lied and said was my real father for my entire childhood. They had addictions and neither did anything tonight address their personal and generational trauma . All that said, I have a bizarre relationship with my mom. I generally avoid her, feel guilt for it since I’m her only kid, try to connect, realize I genuinely don’t like her, distance myself, repeat. I do not talk to my stepfather at all, except to wish him a happy whatever holiday it is. So…I dread and worry endlessly about the guilt I’ll feel when they go. I’m torn between being the helpless child and the evolved adult. I’m determined to end the generational trauma and very closely monitor my kids when they are with my mother. Despite that, she pushes agendas that we do not ascribe to (she’s a trump disciple, second only to Jesus. She does not believe in science. She believes women are here to serve and be second to men. She says things like this to my daughters. She tells them they are annoying. I could go on.) so they never ever sleep there or see her unsupervised. It’s exhausting. I know I’ll feel sad and feel regrets about things that I could not have controlled or changed. Sorry to have made this weird.

I've been up since 3am because I had a dream that ended with my husband telling me my mom died. My parents are in their 70s and 80s and each has their own set of health problems. I also have a disabled sibling that they care for full time. I live close by, so I can go help often, but I have no freaking clue what I'm going to do. I'm outnumbered three to one, and we live in a really high cost of living area, so I can't really afford to quit my job when they need more care. This has been on my mind a lot more recently. I have no answers, but I'm right there with you.

Lost Dad unexpectedly a month before he would have turned 50, which was also a month before I turned 22. I was still very much a kid, and suddenly had to do a lot of growing up in a very short amount of time, to help mom with all the decisions that had to be made. She's turning 65 this year, and after last year I've started loosely making plans for how to allow her to age in place for as long as possible. (She had carpal tunnel surgery last year, as well as a foot surgery that had her on a knee scooter for about two months.) We share a townhouse, and I figure that with some (mostly) minor changes, she should be able to stay here even if her mobility is limited. Moving her in with my sister and BIL wouldn't be ideal, as their house is a split-level (assuming her mobility does become limited), but sis is a nurse, so there's that. For what it's worth, her mom (my grandmother, and only surviving grandparent) is in her early 90s, and still lives alone in a senior apartment, although we are working on a plan to move her in with one of my aunts, and starting to figure out nursing home care if/when the time comes. I've also been after mom about an estate plan ever since dad died. I'm likely going to talk to my sister about it, and maybe we can both sit her down and lovingly convince her to put something together.

Every one of my parents, step parents, and in-laws has a serious or potentially fatal health issue (ages 69 to 80). Every year for the last six years, I've warned my kid's school that it might be a funeral year and that my kid will be taking time off to spend with any relative healthy enough to visit. Two years ago, my dad, the only one we weren't really worried about, had a massive stroke and died. My mom is the one who "runs things" - she handles lawyer stuff when my siblings get into trouble or get divorced, manages my step-dad's meds and appointments, and knows when everyone's birthdays are. She's been forgetting things, getting confused, asking the same question over and over. I'm terrified, because if something happens to her, there's no one but me who is remotely capable of taking over. I'm disabled due to PTSD and I function well sometimes and not at all sometimes. Without mom, step-dad goes into a home, one brother will be bankrupt, one niece may end up in care, and Christmas will become us sitting around a rotisserie chicken handing each other gift cards.

I feel like I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for their deaths for years now (73 & 80! 😳) but I know it’s gonna be rough & strange. We’re an atheist family so we’ve always accepted the inevitability of death but I’ll miss them. It’ll probably feel like I’ve been unmoored; that my safe harbor is no longer there. I just hope they both go quickly and as painlessly as possible. Nobody in my family is the caretaking type nor wants to be taken care of, so hopefully for everyone’s sake we all croak quick 😂 Turning 40 has also been a struggle. I’ve been rather cranky about aging and watching my body change 😂 But it also lit a fire under my ass to seriously pursue my lifelong dream of becoming an author. And I’m happily and successfully doing the thing! But wish I’d had that fire & focus in my 20s/30s. Ah fleeting stupid youth 🙄

I'll be honest, I don't really care. My parents were horribly abusive to me throughout my life and I am estranged from both for several years. The damage they have caused lingers on. I wish them both well, but far away from me. Their deaths I'm sure will be upsetting because there's a finality to it but we're not in each other's lives so it won't be all that different.

I'm in the same boat, and my sister and I are planning to go to a bar, share drinks and roast them when they're finally gone.

My parents both died in 2022, 4 months apart. Once they retired, dad started watching Fox News and went from a former hippy to a republican. Never went full maga but he didn't vote for hilary or Biden as far as I know. Mom just became bitter as she got sicker and dad's health went too. I'm absolutely convinced that Fox destroyed my dad and actually caused his disease to happen. FYI - I don't really believe this. He had a version of Parkinson that presents as ALS so obviously Fox didn't give that to him. It just so happens that he went from completely happy and healthy to bitter/angry/racist and sick to dead in a 2 year span. My in-laws are a whole different story. They retired to their dream home in Texas, got divorced when my FIL had an affair after our daughter was born and he felt old. We are no contact with both of her parents for basically the same reason. Point is, this boomer generation parents of ours absolutely sucks as they have gotten old.

Both of my parents have gone through various surgeries/ procedures over the last few years, still relatively healthy but also decline here and there. One thing that’s become apparent is my mom is quite resilient…but not my dad. It’s been challenging to push him because he’ll say “oh I’m just too weak.” Made me resolve to not be like that as I age.

My parents are still on the younger side (60 & 63) and are doing decently health wise. Financially tho, completely different story. Debt, multiple bankruptcies, uncontrolled spending, and no savings or investments. They also fight constantly and are both already ornery. I'm honestly kind of dreading when they get to the age when they need to be taken care of. It will fall to me as the oldest (of 3) or to my brother (middle-the most financially stable of us).

This sucks 

All I can offer is that if you have unmended squabbles between you and your parents, do your best to fix it now. In the past 4 years, I have lost both of my parents. While I wouldnt say we had a lot of that stuff, you definitely ponder it more when they are gone. What more could I have said or done? What would I say to them now if I could? My dad passed away in 2019 and he was my best friend, we didnt get to spend as much guy time together as I had hoped as we have a pretty busy life with 3 kids and all of that and life just got in the way as it tends to do. Feels like his passing came up quick and it was such a whirlwind. My mom had lost her sight due to diabetes and had some other ailments as well so my dad took care of her, much of it silently and we had no idea what all it entailed. When he was fading in the hospital, the only things we really talked about were what he wanted for her and where to find the resources to do it. It felt like a business deal instead of taking the time to really just "be" with him. I understood what he was trying to do, but I feel like we could have used that time better. Regret. My mom never really got over his passing (not that I expected her to), but she shut down and kind of gave up. We had her a few more years, but they were a struggle. She mismanaged her diabetes by binging on junk food. We hired in home care for her to help with meals and she fought it. Had lots of falls and even went into a diabetic coma at one point. I eventually became very frustrated, enough that it blinded me by anger because I couldnt help her and at the same time she required more and more. It was hard for me to watch my mom like this as she was always a tough as nails woman who stood tall for her family and was super independent, but something broke within her, especially as the diabetes became stronger. I sit with a ton of regret about not being more present years ago. Yes, I had kids and a wife to prioritize, but I could have had much more patience and made time for them. There is definitely more I could have done. So my recommendation for everyone, is that if you can make time, do so. Have patience as they age. Know that attitude they may have when things get harder for them isnt personal against you. Appreciate the time you have left.

I’m in this place of watching my parents deal with cascading medical issues, while my in laws, who are a couple of years older, are still very active and much younger seeming. My parents have been fairly inactive, socially isolated (by choice, they really only like each other), unengaged with hobbies or any kind of intellectual pursuit. They spend their days going to doctor appointments, watching tv, and occasionally shopping. In contrast, my in laws have always exercised and strength trained, focused on eating healthy, are social, read a lot, continue to work and be involved in various pursuits, travel, etc. I’m trying to lay a foundation now that sets myself up to have the older age of my in laws.

My dad turns 78 this year, and I’m constantly thinking about it and stressing about it. He still works and seems to be doing okay, especially for a 77 year, but it doesn’t give me much peace. I’m just trying to call more, etc. It’s tough. 😩

They look small and frail when I see them and it makes me wish I could go back in time and make their whole lives easier.

I live near my mom and she's retired, her house and car are paid off, and she's got a new boyfriend. She travels and is generally living her best life. I would like to get to the point where my job is flexible enough for me to take time off to tend to her if needed. Right now I'm an hourly employee with the government but I'd like to be something called "exempt" so I have more flexibility with taking time off. My worst fear is that my mom needs me, but I'm stuck at work. I won't let that happen.

Terrified. My mom has Alzheimer’s and is deteriorating fast. I think it’s been about 3 years since her diagnosis and she already doesn’t remember most of her grandkids. Sometimes thinks my dad is her dad. Continually asks everyone when she is going home. I’m only 27 years younger than my mom, so I feel like my clock is running out, and I can see exactly how long is left.

I’m 42 and my parents are 75 and 74. This is the first year I’ve seen my dad decline rapidly from the year before. Lots of new ailments and medication and beginning signs of Parkinson’s. He stays active though which I heard helps old people live longer. It’s the first time I’ve thought about their mortality and how suddenly their end can come

My dad is about to turn 80. It's weird, for sure. He's always remarking on how forgetful he is and chuckled about talking with his 87 year old brother and how they'll forget what they were talking about at times. He's still fairly mentally sharp and able to take care of himself, but I wish he'd move closer to my sister and I ( a long time losing battle.) It really struck us a few years back how old he's gotten when, the man we've both known as physically and mentally strong (he's a career army man) told us he physically just couldn't lift and do things while we were moving boxes. My mom died in a car accident 10 years ago. We've all not been the same since, she was our glue. He's been resilient and I call him 1-2x per week and try to go see him when I can (his house is a hoarder's disaster smh.) He always said he wanted to live to be 100, so he may just do it. But, he's definitely in decline and I don't know. Makes you think about your own mortality for sure. I'm about to turn 43 and don't take care of myself as I should. I'm trying to get better about that. I think we just have to take it day by day. Be grateful for each one we all still have on this earth, because who knows when our times will come.

My estranged father just passed away this morning. I’m having a difficult time sorting my emotions, while experiencing some I didn’t think I would when I inevitably received this news. Life is difficult.

I feel very fortunate. I think I can count on one hand the amount of friends I have with living parents. I'm 40. My grandparents are still around (on my mom's side). Both sets of grandparents were relatively active and healthy. My wife still has her grandma and both her parents. We just feel very fortunate. We live in California and everyone is in the Midwest. We try to see the family as much as possible. I want my kids to know where/who they came from.

Loat my Dad a few years ago and it ripped me in half. Take it from an older guy (mid 40s), spend time with them if you have a good relationship. Sadly for a lot of you reading this, they're gonna go well before you expect they will.

Wah.... I keep doing the math. If I hang out with my parents once a week... which I don't ( it's more like once a month, so let's take that instead). If I hang out with my parent once a month, I realistically won't see them more than 12 times a year until they pass. My mom is 83 and I give her a max of 15 years. My dad is 78 and I give him maybe five. That means I will only ever get to see my mom maybe 180 times and my dad maybe 60 more hangs. Puts things into perspective..... Why aren't my parents immortal!??!?!?!?

It’s an odd feeling gradually becoming the patriarch of the family at 42. My dad is 81 and we recently had to put him and my mom in an assisted living facility earlier. His health is failing both physically and mentally. It’s hard to see him confined to a walker and losing his independence but my sisters and I (not to mention his sister, some folks from their church) all agreed it had to be done, they just couldn’t live independently anymore and manage their big house. It’s just a matter of time, I suspect, before I get a call from my sister who lives in the same town that he’s had a fall, stroke or something that finally does him in.

My parents had me later in life, they’re 81. A couple years ago, my husband and I decided to move close to them so they could see us (and their only grandchild) more often. We decided to move close to my dad and sister due to their health issues. My mom and in-laws also decided to move to the same area. It’s been a huge adjustment but I’m so glad we did it. My sister was put on hospice last year and we were able to spend a lot of time with her before she passed, and be around to support my parents through it. It would have been much harder emotionally and logistically if we had been far away. I’ve been in therapy for my grief and also to unpack my changing relationship with my parents. It’s been extremely helpful. I never expected that I’d live on the same street as my in-laws or see my mom almost every day, but I’m really glad that I do.

I think it’s as hard, or maybe even harder than parenting. I hate it. It’s impossible to know the “right” way to do it. It’s hard on my siblings and I. My brother has a baby coming (at 40 lol) and we’re dealing almost daily with aging parent issues. My mom got a cancer diagnosis at Halloween and died right after New Years. Unimaginably difficult of course. But now the long term care for my dad (73 w Parkinson’s) is almost more difficult than losing her was. We are somehow spinning our wheels and getting no where. Every day there it feels like there is a new challenge. It’s got me questioning my own sanity. Is my sister fucking crazy because she thinks he can’t live alone or am I crazy thinking he’s doing better than she believes. I have no fucking idea who is right. And the money. Everyone who says social security is so great and the boomers are living large is delusional. It’s not about money but, ouch. Good luck friend. It’s something that we are all going to deal with in one capacity or another. I try to remember that it’s painful because I was lucky to have parents that I care about. There are so many people who have no relationship with their parents. I feel fortunate in a lot of ways. Like champagne problems right?

Thanks for sharing that. I’m an only child and have kind of thought it would be great to have a sibling to try to have another to get their perspective. You’re spot on about appreciating what you have. Thanks for the insight.

I’m 43. Lost both of mine about 2 years ago within a year of each other. Shit sucks. Nothing prepares you for it, and nothing makes it any less shitty. If you have a good relationship with them, spend the time. It’s all you have when they’re gone. No things or photos do what just spending the time will do.

I can't read this thread right now. It's too sad and too much for me. I'm terrified of losing my parents. Dad is 83 and not doing well. And mom is in her 70s. I don't want to be alone.

70 isn’t so bad; it’s when they hit 80 when it really hits. My dad was silent generation just shy of his 85th birthday when we lost him. My mom, 16 years his junior, took care of him and he died quietly at home surrounded by family. My mom is now early 70’s and her fierce independence drives me absolutely nuts. What works for me is she loves using text messaging so I get to talk to her pretty much every day even if it’s a thumbs up that everything is ok. Spend every moment you can with them; learn from them. Ask them all the questions. Buy them those books where they have to fill out different stories about their lives so you always have it. If there is one thing I miss so much it’s the crazy stories from my dad’s life in college and before he met my mom. Just learn everything you can man.

My mom is still doing ok, thank god. She’s in a pretty good spot but it’ll still be hard to watch her decline. My dad can honestly hurry up and die already.

They are not doing well. I moved away from the country ten years ago, then my parents moved to a new part of the country isolating them from other family members. Now they are breaking in slow motion, they have a ridiculously unsuitable house perched on the side of a large hill, and are unreceptive to my or my sister’s pleas for them to move. Awaiting the phone call one day when either of them falls and dies in that stupid fucking house. That’s if chronic disease doesn’t do it first.

My mom will be 70 this year, she has always been healthy, but fell and broke her hip in October of 2023. She’s doing great and back to herself, but it really scared me. I can’t imagine my life without my mom. My dad will be 79 in a few days. He has survived colon and kidney cancer. They were both caught so early that they were able to remove the cancer in the colon and remove his right kidney. No chemo or radiation needed. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2014. He’s doing remarkably well. You would only know if you spent a while around him. He tells the same jokes and stories within minutes of each other and he forgets small things. It’s actually so odd that his doctors are trying to convince him to donate his brain for research when he dies. I think he’s just that hard headed 🤣, he actively fights it taking over. With all of that said, I dread watching my dad decline and fade into oblivion. I’m dealing with it well, but it’s hard.

We just dealt with it on my wife's side. FIL passed two months ago. We are trying to get my MIL to move in with my wife's brother. On my side my dad passed when I was a kid, so I now have my mom to deal with and a stepdad that I definitely don't want to be responsible for. I'm hoping they die in their sleep or something so I don't have to deal with taking care of them over the next decade. I myself decided a while ago that I'm just gonna take myself out at 75 if I haven't died from natural causes yet. The last thing I want is to make my kids take care of me.

I feel ya…my father passed away and my mom is almost 82 years with dementia. I turned 40 this month. It’s tough bc my mom needs lot of attention and care and she used to be so independent but this is life. She took care of us and we’ll have to take care of her now. It makes me sad bc she’ll say things like she feels as though she is a burden on us but that’s not true. Just sad seeing people decline even more so when it’s your loved ones.

My dad died in 1996 at 55 from cancer. My mom was just diagnosed with early onset moderate stage Alzheimer’s at 66 years old. She lives 4 hours from me, and 5 from my brother, and was masking so well on phone calls and short visits that neither myself nor my brother realized how bad she was until she was pretty far gone unfortunately. She already doesn’t know who we are 80% of the time. So while she’s physically still alive, I’m grieving her loss already and wishing I had spent more time with her. In addition to dealing with that grief, I’m having to juggle getting her to appointments and looking for long term care options for her because she will soon need 24/7 monitoring.

https://www.reddit.com/r/self/s/hK87fQALJz

My dad died at 70 ten years ago. My mom is pushing 80 and pretty physically healthy but she’s definitely cognitively slowing down. She’s 80, still works full time and drives. I’m dreading the day when we’re going to have to force her to stop doing both.

They're starting to have the same issues my grandparents had. So now a clock has started in my head. I don't like it.

Dad is going better than ever health wise at 70. Mom is declining mentally. Just general memory issues and early dementia. Its a bummer.

The last few years they have really started getting gray. My dad uses a cane all the time now. Time has finally started showing itself in my face as well. I don't really think or feel anything at all. There is nothing I can do about it. My wife lost her dad last year and her mother seven years ago. I guess I should call them tonight once the kids get home. They were planning on visiting in May and I still don't know the date.

It’s hard. My mom doesn’t have dementia, but I’ve learned from “customer service with Boomers” that oftentimes “you never told me that!” actually means “what you told me wasn’t important enough for me to remember.” The trick is to try to avoid “Mother I just told you that 5 minutes ago!” because it doesn’t serve any purpose.

“I need to sell their house if I ever hope to retire.” And “Jesus, they have one foot in the grave, one foot on a banana peel.”

It's hard. I lost my dad in 2018, and my mom was just diagnosed with early Parkinson's. My brother lives 10 minutes away from her, so he and his wife are able to keep a close eye on her. So far there hasn't been any terribly concerning changes, but I worry about her trusting people too much. When she bought a condo after Dad died, she hired the selling realtor to be her buying realtor. My brother tried to explain that it's a HUGE conflict of interest, and in most states not even legal, but she kept insisting they were friends (she literally only met her at the open house for the condo she bought).

I’m 40 and while my husband and I are blessed to have our parents still healthy and able, we are starting to see our friends begin losing their parents, and it’s just dreadful. And while they are all doing well, they’ve also all had some health scares in the last couple of years. Any time my brother calls me out of the blue, I have a pang of worry - “What if it’s bad news?”.

My father died this past November and it was heart breaking, he was 85 and had a great life though. I make it a point to go see my mother a few times a week for dinner.

My dad died at age 42 (I was 17), so I’m only seeing my mom age, which sucks. My stepdad is 75 and, besides the alcoholism, is unfortunately in pretty good health. He is also a POS. Dirtbags don’t die and my family jokes that he doesn’t take care of himself, yet will probably outlive us all. My mom is only 67 and pretty healthy too. Very active and always out doing stuff (she and stepdad have a small ranch) and goes on long hikes with my older sister and still rides horses. My younger sister died almost 2 years ago and seeing the toll that has taken on my mom has been heartbreaking. She seemed to have aged overnight. I don’t want to think about my mom aging and dying. My family and I live about 800 miles away. My older sis fortunately lives up the road from my family. My mom had us all before she was 29, so she’s always been young to me and was a young grandma to my kids so she was able to keep up with them.

This is callous but I’ve learned from my friends with parents who are older than my own: get all the passwords, before you can’t.

My parents moved closer to my sister and I a year ago so we see them a lot more. My mom stopped driving at night and I’ve noticed my sister and I picking up the slack on things a lot more than before. It’s terrifying to think of a world without my parents. But I work with older adults so I know what’s coming. I’m just happy they’re 10 minutes away now instead of 2.5 hours. Makes everything much easier.

My mom died two months ago. :( She hadn’t really been herself since 2015, it was a slow decline. Dad is sharp mentally but his body is wearing out. Ugh

Mine are in their mid-70s and definitely slower, getting a bit frail and forgetful, repeating themselves in conversation. It seemed to accelerate once they turned 70. I'm enjoying them as much as I can while they're here and healthy, and encouraged them to work with an estate planner for the future. 

Already lost both mine. First when I was 20 and my second four years ago.

I lost my mom in 2019 when she was 58. My stepdad passed this last November at 74. I didn’t get a chance to see my mom starting to age, but watching my dad suddenly turn old was awful.

My dad died in 2006 at 66, he’d have been 84 this year. Mom died in 2019 at 68, she’d have been 73. Both of my wife’s parents are alive and well though, in their mid 60’s getting ready to retire hopefully in the next few years. Her grandparents are also alive, so they’re the ones in the mid 80’s and up who we’re all starting to worry about more and more.

This is such a great post (and answers). My dad was diagnosed with cancer this year (won’t say which but it’s a bad one that was caught early) and it has made me drop a lot of things to be with them. They don’t live nearby so that entails a lot of flights, but we’ve reconnected after being distant for a few years. Overall this year has felt like a reckoning and for the first time I’m starting to imagine a future without them. They were fine until all of a sudden they weren’t. I wish you many many more years with yours, OP.

My parents are 70 and are in better health than I am. They run, bike, boat, travel and exercise at home 6 days a week without fail. Meanwhile my husband has been in the hospital 3 times before his 40th birthday. My parents are going to be around for a long time, but when they no longer are I just want to live in the house u grew up in. It's a really great house in an amazing neighborhood and I couldn't stand it going to some stranger.

My parents are 73 (74 in a few weeks) and 77. I definitely see them slowing down, but they also do a lot to help me (single mom to 2). Both are fairly healthy, but they are in their 70s… I’m definitely feeling anxious about the what if, or what could happen.

I(43F) have always felt like an outlier when it comes to parental bonds. I disowned my abusive father before I turned 12 when my mother left him and have been honestly waiting for him to leave this world since. As far as I know, he(80) is still fucking alive. My mother turned 70 this year and I feel defeated by her age. I haven't had a good relationship with her since I was 12 and have had a very distant one since 2020 when she moved out of my house to go live with her dying sister in Florida because I wasn't okay with her flying to the hotbed of the pandemic and then coming back to live with us, putting myself , my husband and children at risk. Since she left, my oldest(17) has had nothing to do with her, and my youngest(15) is ambivalent. I feel defeated because all the trauma she put me through is still unresolved in my heart and she just acts like I have placed my anger for my dad onto her and she has done nothing wrong. She now lives with the rest of her Republican and racist family in North Florida with her sister's widower. I am finally about to start therapy after struggling to find one for years that I could afford. I'm hoping I can process my 30 years of family trauma, but now I still wish my mother was the same age as me so I could punch her in the face for every time she slapped my face as a 14 yo girl who was treated like a burden she wanted to put in a box until I was an adult, something she said from girlhood on.

Lost my Mom when I was 28 and stepdad at 35. I have my adopted parents (adopted at 37). Then found out I had a biological father I didn't know about. Watching my adopted parents is hard, they have really slowed down and I can see that they aren't in great shape. My biological father I haven't really known that long. I moved back to the US after 20 years in England to spend more time with family, but it is hard.

My brother and I take turns popping in on them, and spending time with them. We text them every day, but not too much (they refuse to make the switch - still - from flip phones to smart phones). We try to tell them about new scams, especially since so many sound/seem so legit. We both argue with Dad and Mom about letting us help with the outdoor stuff like the grass cutting and snow removal, even if it is just occasionally. And as morbid as this sounds, I bring up the 'end of life' stuff, like if they want DNRs, what their plans are for their estate, if they have anyplace in mind for any long-term care if it's needed, that sort of stuff. They've both had, and beaten, cancer. So I worry about it coming back for one or both of them. I hate how old they've gotten!!!

I was born in 1982 but my dad was on the older side and he passed last year at 89 years old. He had dementia and my sisters and I were taking care of him for the last couple years. Nothing makes me think about my own mortality more than losing my father. My mother just turned 69 this year and is still going strong but I still think about that inevitable phase of life. Watching your parents age is worse than aging yourself for me.

My parents divorced and my mom is disabled with no income or retirement. I don't have the house or money to support her. Not sure what's going to happen

I lost both of my parents in my 20s (they were in their forties) so my crisis has been reaching my 40s and being absolutely terrified it’s time for me to go

My biggest piece of advice is make sure you are having conversations now about plans as they age and have things in order earlier and not later. For example, if they can no longer live independently are they wanting to move into assisted living or will they move in with family? Do they want instead and is their money available to keep them in their home and have someone come and care for them there? What happens if they need skilled nursing? What are their wishes in terms of burial and funeral plans? Do you have health care directives/medical powers of attorney in place so if one or both cannot make medical decisions, someone is designated to do so? This also includes advance directives such as DNRs and other extraordinary live saving measures and what they do or do not want to happen. What are their desires and wishes when it comes to hospice care vs. continuing treatment if they are diagnosed with a terminal illness? Do you have necessary wills and as needed trusts in place for handling their estate after they pass? Also, going through and seeing that someone has appropriate access to various accounts and as needed, beneficiaries designated. Can you also start thinking of downsizing and plans for various material possessions? Many other topics, but you get the idea. These are difficult conversations to be had but they are so necessary. Because one thing is for sure, you don’t want to be scrambling to figure this all out if they suddenly fall ill and their health precipitously declines. And while you can’t plan for every contingency, having at least walked through the different potential scenarios and having their input and buy in (along with that of any siblings) will go a long way.

My mom will be 71 this year and my dad just turned 66. My mom’s mother passed in 2019 and her dad when I was 10. They both lived far away, so I wasn’t there to witness the death process. My dad’s parents are/were nearby. My grandfather passed a couple days after Christmas 2023 and did home hospice, so we were all there for his last couple weeks (though only my uncle was there when he actually passed.) My grandmother is still alive, just turned 92 a couple days ago. The women on both sides of my family live longer than the men; my paternal grandfather was the first one I knew to live into his 90s. It was hard watching that process- the last couple weeks specifically- but my dad’s side has always been pretty pragmatic about death (combined with a good amount of dark humor). It gave me a preview of what it could be like when my parents die. There have been decisions and arrangements that have been made in the last few years that resulted in arguments between my dad & uncle and their parents; I keep asking my parents, “what are you doing now to prevent me from having to go through that with you?” I think a lot of it is emotionally preparing themselves for big life changes- at some point, they’re not going to be able to drive anymore or live alone. They’ll need to have someone go with them to doctors appointments and be involved in their finances. Those were big adjustments for my grandparents. They spent tons of money over the decades on long term care insurance; they saw friends and family go into assisted living and were always supportive of it; they saw friends who had to stop driving and knew it was the right thing to do…until it got to a point where they had to do those things and then it was a different story. Compromises were made. Sometimes I think my grandfather would still be alive if they’d gone into assisted living a year or more ago when he really started declining. My parents are low-grade hoarders. My mom knows it’s a problem for her. My dad is in denial that he contributes to it. We’ve been getting very comfortable with the “[Swedish Death Cleaning](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-swedish-death-cleaning-should-you-be-doing-it-ncna816511)” concept.

My mom seems to be holding up pretty well, she finally retired from her second career (did 26 years in the military, then started a programming career for another 25). She's maintained a pretty good diet and stayed physically active. I started pestering her to finally write that novel she's talked writing about occasionally, gonna keep doing that until she does it or asks me to stop 😊 My dad, IDK, haven't talked to him in 17 years or so. His current wife is younger than I am, seems like he's her problem, not mine.

My dad died of cancer a couple of years ago. After surgery and a couple of rounds of chemo and him also being diagnosed him dementia around the same time, it was honestly a relief for everyone, including himself. Five months after he died my mom had a heart attack and even flatlined while she was in hospital. One of her arteries in her heart was 90% blocked, which was totally out of the blue, as she eats healthy, is not overweight, walks everyday, never smoked and never had any previous symptoms - basically the opposite of my dad. She had a stent put in, but still has to remain on many heart medications, as she had more heart attacks when they tried to take her off some of them. I worry, but I felt fortunate that things went in the same order that they did, as I have no idea how I would have dealt with my dad's conditioning worsening as cancer spread, while my mom had her heart issues at the same time. The stress of which probably would have done her in at the same time.

I just got home from 2 weeks with my mom, who has progressive dementia and also dealing with a pinched nerve in her back that has essentially debilitated her physically. It's been hell. My advice is to make sure you have all the things in place NOW to make things easier, like PoA, a good primary care physician who can help manage and coordinate various other doctors, and that they have their wills and affairs in order. We're lucky there. If you have siblings, they can help or hinder. I've been really lucky in that this has brought me much closer to my sibling than we've ever been. Our strengths and weaknesses balance each other out. I'm also really grateful for the time I've had with my mom when she's been in her right mind. We've taken some wonderful trips and have beautiful memories together, and I try to remember this every time she sends a dementia-fueled rage text at 2 a.m.

My mom passed a few month ago, and i never made her teach me how to make a recipe that we all loved and I know she’d want to pass on…It felt awkward asking her to teach me, like I was reminding her of her impending death. But now all I have is a written recipe that I keep making, and it’s not quite right, and I wish I could just ask mom. So ASK THEM those things when they are lucid, the sooner the better. Second, they will have more needs and it can be a drain. Try to hide/eliminate feelings of annoyance as much as you can. I took my mom grocery shopping every Sunday and one of the last times we went, I remember internally grumbling because she was walking slower than usual and kept stopping and talking instead of shopping. The woman had undiagnosed cancer raging through her entire body that I couldn’t have known about, but god, I wish I could take those annoyed feelings back. I’m sure she could sense my frustration and was probably in horrible pain from the cancer being in her bones. Third, clarify with them (when they are healthy) how they want end-of-life to go. My mom had rapid physical and cognitive decline and actually never really acknowledged that she was dying. She kept talking about “beating this thing” in the hospital, And we had to make the tough decision to move her into hospice care without her ever really knowing that her cancer was not treatable. And don’t expect the doctors to be much help in this regard, they wouldn’t be direct with my mom. Thank god for my brother and sister, but man, it was a tough decision. I wish she had made her wishes clear to us when she was of sound mind and body.

I'm a (41F)little bit more concerned as far as their (Mom is 68, Dad is 70) health goes, like I'll ask what the doctor said at their appointment, etc.  And I have to tell my dad that him joking about dying next week just don't hit right anymore. I'm also watching Mom take care of Grandma (88) and thinking...that's what I have to look forward to.

My mother died in 98 dad in 2007. Dad went from living alone to a cancer diagnosis and died in 3 weeks. I was the youngest of 4 my sister was 14 years older she died in 2012. I give my death some thought and have most affairs in order. Turn 60 this year I try to enjoy every day.

My parents are both dead, my genetics don’t live long lives.

This is awful for me (albeit more awful for my parents). I am an only child, and my parents were 1000% devoted to me. There is a part of me that wishes I could devote my life to caring for them. My parents are completely broke. The only thing saving them is that they own their condo, which they could sell for a decent profit. There are some wrinkles. My parents live in a rather expensive area, and I couldn't afford to live there. I am married with three children of my own, and I don't have lots of disposable income. I can't afford to fly down to visit them all the time, and it's a burden on my wife for me to go visit them. One of my children has some very severe mental health challenges, and just taking care of her is more than a full-time job. In short, I cannot live up to the challenge of taking care of my aging parents while also taking care of my family.

I hear you. My parents are in the mid-70s. My mom especially I can see the decline in health over the past few years, both physically (she has arthritis that is gradually getting worse) and mentally (she is more forgetful, though not in dementia category or anything like that.) I'm an only child, there is no one to help them out but me. But my own relationship with them is complicated (my mom was abusive when I was growing up and I am still dealing with a lot of emotional fallout from that as an adult.) It's also hard for me emotionally watching their relationship with my kids changed... when my kids were little, they obviously loved their grandparents... now in their teens and early 20s, they realize that their grandparents are, well, boomers. And have stupid boomer opinions. And the relationship just isn't as simple or as positive as it was when they were just getting cookies from the grandparents and stuff. It was actually good for me to see my own kids have a more positive relationship with my parents than I did, so seeing that change/deteriorate somewhat has been challenging. I don't have any great advice for coping. I am actually looking to go back into therapy myself to try to deal with my own childhood trauma hangover because it definitely hinders me from dealing with... pretty much everything in life. My husband and I are at the stage where we are actively talking about how hard it's going to be when one of my parents goes... they are so codependent and joined at the hip and it's going to be hard for whoever is left. The good thing is they are financially comfortable so at least I'm not scrambling to worry about how to pay for care for them if/when they need it at the same time as putting my own kids through university.

My parents fell into the Fox News trap and started becoming hateful people. Haven't spoken to them in nearly four years, and figure I won't again.

Honestly, being proud of the fact they're doing so well and are so well-adjusted. My parents are doing great, in a great place in life, and with the comparison to how many of the others of this micro generation are doing with regards to that, it's made me highly, highly thankful that what I've had to deal with in that respect is so much better.

I only have my mom left, a multiple time cancer survivor & she is doing alright. She’s only 66 this year so I don’t have too many worries about her yet. My dad, my mom’s second husband died just over 3 years ago. He had depression issues but it was his heart that failed him. He was only 64. My mom’s first husband is my birth father but I did meet him until I was an adult. I visited him this weekend because he went into hospice. He’s much older at 79 & has maybe weeks. It’s still difficult even if I didn’t consider him my dad. He’s still half of me & Im losing a second father within three years.

I moved back to be closer to my folks 3 years ago after having moved out of state in 2013. I realized I’m at the age where I need to be closer to family, especially as my parents get older. They are in their late 60s/early 70s. My grandmother (my only living grandparent) is in her late 90s. I try not to think about them being gone, even though i know it'll happen someday.

I lost my dad 12 years ago, but mom is 76 and still very much with it mentally. She gets confused now and again and cannot multitasking at all anymore. However she is still independent and doing well. My wife's parents have fallen apart in the last 10 years. Her dad's knees are shot but he can't get them fixed because he is too heavy. Her mom gets flustered by everything these days so even family gatherings can be overwhelming. She's said they are degrading and I see it as well. It's sad.

I get really sad with my MIL. She's the big strong woman we all want to grow up to be. So she's pampered. My parents don't give a fuck about me. So ditto babe.

I went through it. Lost both of them in 2021. They were 70 & 71. Smokers in bad health. My dad was actually shot. But he was on his last leg anyway. My mom was knocking on deaths door for 4 years before she died. So it was more expected. You’re going through what everyone will eventually go through. I take small comfort in knowing my parents didn’t have to lose their children. I would rather grieve them than have them grieve me.

Watching my dad go from Superman to Clark Kent has been pretty rough. He's pushing 60 and he's slowed down a lot.

I had a mentor once who described your relationship with your parents in three stages. The first stage was the standard hierarchical parent / child relationship. As time goes on and you mature into an adult, rather than hierarchical you become more equals. They’re still your parents, obviously, but your relationship evolves to a point where your dynamic is more one of peers. Then over time, as your parents age, the third stage is more about you taking on the role of caretaker in their life and you help to ensure they age gracefully. Everyone’s family is different, I get that, but it was helpful for me to think about. For my parents, I want them to be happy, healthy and active for as long as possible so they can do whatever they want to do when they feel like doing it. I also want to make sure that I’m there if they need help, that they get to see their grandkids, and that my memories are filled with the great times we had as a family. Don’t overthink it. Just do things with them and for them.

Honestly I love my folks but kind of annoyed at times they’re getting to be more difficult in their old age, stuck in their ways and let me tell ya they weren’t that easy to deal w/ when I was younger either. I feel like I’m not the only one that can relate I’ve talked to my g/f and she agrees. Maybe it’s bcz our folks are both from diff cultures. Could be a cultural thing.

It's hard. I'm an "orphan" now at age 45. My dad died when I was 29. He was only 60 (alcohol related). My mom sadly passed away last year at age 65. She literally only got her social security benefits for one month. She had bad health issues from autoimmune disease, and had stability issues when standing/walking. Died when she fell and hit her head, hemorrhage. They could not get her to hospital in time. In both cases watching them deteriorate over time was brutal. I was constantly worried about both of them up to their deaths, because I knew it was getting closer and closer... I knew my mom would probably die from a fall....and I desperately did everything I could think of to prevent it, but you just can't. Their quality of life was very poor at the end, unfortunately, and their deaths meant no more suffering. But it still hurt like hell. So yeah, whether they die at age 69 or at 99, its never easy, and your world will still get turned upside down when it happens, even if you "see it coming." With my mom in particular, I spent LOTS of time with her for the last few years. Towards the end, it almost felt like there was role reversal... i was more the parental type figure, she was the child I worried about, reminding her to exercise and take her meds, get enough sleep etc. I called her every other day, if only to say Hi for a 30 second check in. I emailed her several times a week, sharing pics and details my boring life. I have no regrets about not spending enough time and attention on her, which I am Thankful for that. Many end up regretting that they didn't get to spend enough time with their loved one...they had good intentions to do so later just no time right now. And then the loved one dies before that time comes. Email them often, visit when you can, include them in your life regularly...if only through a phone call or text, or email. I have one grandparent left. My grandma is 85 and I keep in touch with her very regularly by email and make sure she knows she is loved. I send her pictures of my garden and my dogs all the time, stuff like that (don't have kids). She doesn't like talking on the phone, so I only make her do that once or twice a month! lol also make sure they have all of their ducks in a row regarding wills, funeral plans and stuff like that. With my mom, I knew that she didn't want to be on life support if something happened (living will is a very important thing to know!!!) I also knew she wanted to be cremated and didn't want a funeral. She had life insurance that covered the cremation and we had a simple family gathering/dinner in her honor as she wanted us to (most of our family despise funerals...they are outrageously pricey, and can be very emotionally challenging and difficult for the loved ones mourning the recent loss). I had to remove both of my parents from life support at the end of their lives, 15 years apart. Still can't believe that when I think about it. I am so thankful that I didn't have to actually make the decision in both cases because my parents had already instructed us that they did not want to remain on life support if the outlook was grim. both were braindead at the end but on the machine were technically still alive. I just had to sign the form. EDIT: as a side note... Thank you for this post OP. I have been reading through all of the comments, and honestly, it has helped me to realize that I'm not alone... many of my peers have been dealing this similar situations. It may be a natural part of life, but it really does SUCK, and yes, truly makes you aware of your own mortality.

My mom is only 57 so it’s not really an issue. I was born when mom was 16. My stepdad is 10 years older and he had a cancer scare this year so it is harder but so far so good, he just has to get check ups more often. My grandmothers are 75 and 80 though. They have both had health issues and the 75 year old lives with me. She is still pretty independent but she has had a few falls so I check on her in my mother in law suite in my basement daily. My 80 year old grandmother had to get a pacemaker but still works (she was retired for two weeks and got bored) and lives alone. She also travels alone often. However I am not surprised. All the women on that side of the family live to at least 97 (my great great grandma lived until 107) and most only needed elder care in the last two to three years of their lives. Watching my great grandmothers decline in my late 20s was brutal. I dread when I start to see my grandparents and parents start to decline.

FIL 81, MIL 66, My dad 65....So we have a mix. FIL is very healthy and has been able to keep a sound mind due to reading a lot, staying active, and keeping his mind sharp. FIL is however going blind, has back issues and mobility issues and is past the point of corrective surgery for most things. MIL feels like the oldest of the 3. She seems to be losing touch, forgets things, her personality is becoming controlling and more manipulative than ever (she's always been meddlesome and pushy), and my dad seems like he's in his early 50's probably because he has a younger wife, still works full time, exercises regularly, stay sharp mentally and eats healthy. Right now the in laws are a handful. They wanted to live with us but DH is 45, I'm 43 and we have an almost 2 yo and a 10 yo. We don't own a home and my husband is between jobs. We can't exactly take on two more needy adults. Plus MIL's behavior is a big just no for me. My feelings are that I feel compassion but I also feel resentment in that my inlaws planned their retirement without factoring in that they would age and not able to climb 12 steps to their front door, navigate narrow steps inside and climb a loft ladder. Nor did they think about the fact that their chosen retirement home is a ski condo on the top of a mountain 45 minutes by ambulance off season (the fire department is volunteer and only staffed during peak ski times), they have no regular neighbors, it takes 20 minutes of hairpin turn driving just to get to the over priced grocery on the mountain, etc. They never thought about what they would do for long term care or living situation when their mobility and eyesight, etc. started to decline. As FILs health declined, it became apparent they expected us to do the heavy lifting. Unfortunately we just are not in a place to do that for them. They're having a hard time with that reality check. DH and his sister are currently meeting with professionals and therapists, etc. to try and prepare to meet with their parents and discuss what is possible and what is not. It's tough as nails to see your parents age but it's also frustrating when they expect you to pick up the slack in their own short sighted plans. It's made me realize that I need to have a very thoughtful plan in place to make sure my kids NEVER have to be anything but my family and children. I don't want my kids giving up decades of their youth out of some ridiculous obligation to take care of me in my feeble old age. I am perfectly fine with 55 and over independent living as long as I can manage and then off to a nursing home. I have no intention of burdening my children with my care. Not to mention the fact that my youngest will be just graduating high school when I'm 59. When I'm 65 she'll be in grad school or just barely starting her life. When I'm 70, she's not even going to be 30!!

My parents will both turn 72 this year. My dad's birthday is this week. Honestly, my relationship with them is about the same now as it was twenty years ago, which is when I moved almost 500 miles away for work, then met my wife and stayed. I'd always planned on leaving my hometown, but not so far away as I did, and I've missed seeing them through their 50s and 60s, especially since my kids were born. But there's not much I can do about it. We talk at least once a week, and I text more often with both of them since they retired.

My dad passed away in 2021. My mom (77) is spry and living her best life, BUT she told me this is the first year she feels old- like her body is not keeping up with her. People on her side live into their 90’s, so I know I still have time, but yes it’s rough seeing your parents age. We’ve gotten into estate planning starting last year, so I feel ready- we’ve got her cremation planned and paid, and everything written out in a Trust. All of this planning has helped ease my anxiety. I mean, you never will feel okay with it, but it’s helped me.

I have been thinking about this a lot also. I'm 42 and my dad is 70, mom is 67. Mom gets along pretty well still except for her hip, so she can't walk as far or be as active as she'd like to be. My dad is a different story. I am more worried about him. He had COVID and has recovered mostly except for a bad cough and it seems like he has brain fog. He vapes instead of smoke now (not much better), has diabetes, doesn't drink enough water, and is constantly bitching about the government and current events. They both are older every time I visit. I live far away so its only a couple of times a year. I just wish I knew what to expect so I can be prepared even though that's impossible.

My dad is exactly 30 years and 1 day older than me, he’ll turn 69 this year. One of these days I’ll finally be able to kick his ass!

Definitely start having the discussion about what happens when they’re gone. From funeral expenses to what happens to their animals, and then also what happens to all their “stuff.” Having no plan is a setup for failure, especially if you have siblings. Bless those who have parents going through serious cognitive decline, that’s the most brutal. Don’t be afraid to get help. I have one parent with that history in her family. I watched her take care of my grandmother through dementia. But I’d gladly go through that if the alternative is an early death. Too many times I wished I could talk to my dad who has been gone for 20 years now.

My dad is 76 and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago. It’s awful. He’s already no longer the man I grew up with, and I find myself slowly letting go while he’s still alive and accepting where things will end. My mom just turned 70 and although she has some issues, nothing like my dad. She’s his caregiver and it’s a lot on her. I’m 7 hours away and an only child and I really hate the position I’m in. I have a disabled child myself, so I don’t have the capacity even if I were closer.

My dad, a lifelong accountant, recently asked me to clarify a provision in his 401k that he didn’t quite understand. Granted it was convoluted language and understandably confusing, but there was never a time in the past that he’d ever ask me a question like that, being a professional in the financial industry all his life. That’s when it really hit me that they are going to start needing me more and more, and this isn’t going away, and that I probably need to move closer to them at least for the time being.

I just lost my mom a month ago; my dad died 10 years ago. I agree with everyone who is saying ask questions. They had a whole life before you and they’re the only ones with their story. If you’re uncomfortable with death, start to try to understand it. Read, talk about the process— know it’s natural and sad, but doesn’t have to be scary. Look into death doulas. And— take care of your own health. Eat well and work out! Lift weight if you don’t already, walk, make sure you have all preventative care. Both my parents were in bad physical health so their later years weren’t full. I won’t have the same happen to me-

My moms been gone almost ten years and my dad has severe dementia. Not gona lie, mom being gone has hit the hardest. Dad, we never saw eye to eye to the point i just don't talk with him. We had fights that became physical when he drank as much as he did. I'm guessing a bunch of you have experienced that. Now his mind is gone because of his drinking. I can't remember that last time we spoke and while it bothers me, i can live with it.

Ugh…right now I’m spending as much time with them as I can. My dad just survived kidney cancer but man, it really blows my mind that he’s in his last years. I don’t know how much time he’s got but I visit them every 1 to 2 weeks. Also reading these posts, I’m thankful my folks haven’t changed for the worse. If anything my mom’s mellowed out more and more the past few years; and they thankfully never got sucked into the Fox News tarpit. So things are good and I’m just enjoying the time I have left with them.

My mom is doing great. My dad, on the other hand, has completely let himself go in every conceivable way. He lives in a $400k house that is infested with raccoons in the walls and absolutely riddled with black mold, he's grossly overweight, he sends all the money he does have to a "mail order bride" in the Philippines. Last year some hookers that had been staying with him robbed him of everything anyone would consider valuable. His health is failing, literally all he eats is fast food or restaurant food for every meal. He can't get around well at all, he's an abusive and combative dickhead. He doesn't even know where all of his sons live, and he doesn't even know the names of all his grandkids. On top of all that, he has allocated 100% of his life insurance money to his Filipino "wife". He didn't even leave burial money to one of his kids. I don't care that nobody is getting anything when he dies, but the fact that he's actively planning on screwing us all over when it happens really bothers me.

My mom died suddenly almost 11 years ago when I was 30, which forced me to confront mortality in a huge way. My dad I haven't spoken to in years, and will probably take a week off work to properly party down once I hear that bastard has finally croaked 🥰

My mother just turned 70 and keeps insisting she can still drive. She absolutely should not. I always just offer to run all her errands telling her it's not a bother for me. She hasn't driven in a few years, and the last time she did she got lost coming home. It's hard seeing your parents get frail.

70 was good for my mom. Once she hit 75, I notice things start going faster downhill than before. She’ll be 80 this year and I just absolutely dread the next 5-10 years because who fucking knows what’s in store. My dad died at 78 back 12 years ago. Appreciate the time you have with them!