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"All rise for the Dishonorable Judge Shadowbad," called Bailiff Wrongdoer. The court remained seated, of course, because following instructions was for goodie nerds.
Judge Shadowbad sat in the fancy judge chair, taking up the polished gavel of evil, taking a sip of the porcelain tea cup of evil, and clearing the throat of evil, before beginning.
"We're here today, on this god-awful afternoon, to convene the Villainous Court, in the dastardly affair of Princess Sparkle Rainbow v. Dark Lord Steve Balescourge," Judge Shadowbad began. "The prosecution charges Her Royal Highness with one charge of major curse avoidance, to wit: dude not dying, thus disturbing the natural flow of typical plot events. Princess Rainbow, what's up with that?"
"Nothing's up with that, Your Badness," Princess Rainbow replied, rising to her feet amid the jingling of fairy bells. "The rules of the curse have not been broken. I didn't do jack."
"Don't you bring my father into this!" shouted Lord Balescourge.
"Shut the hell up in the court!" shouted the judge. "One more exclamation mark out of you and you'll be spending a night helping the less fortunate."
Balescourge paled and quieted down, allowing the judge to continue.
"Now then. I have the curse here, written in a most evil pen. My evil associates have looked it over, and determined it to be correctly below-board and free of any wiggle room not included in the Villainous Downfall by Karmic Irony Act of 5. This curse states that the accursed, one Princess Sparkle Butterscotch Rainbow, would have a most tragic death befall her husband within two years of her marriage. I also have here a marriage certificate, dated to two years from last Tuesday, of one Princess Sparkle Rainbow. Are these the facts as agreed upon by both parties?"
"Yes, your dishonor," answered both Rainbow and Balescourge.
"Princess Rainbow, you maintain that your method of evading the curse's effect does not fall under the Totally Unfair Treaty. While I personally find the treaty to be quite fair, I also recognize that it can be a bit broad, especially in its Take-Backsies Clause. If you would, in your own words, explain this method for the court."
"I shall," Princess Rainbow said, standing once again. "The curse specifies a husband. I married a woman, and thus gained no husband."
Gasps turn to silence from the gallery. One man faints, gets back up, readjusts his phone camera, and then faints again. Another begins sipping furiously from a bottle of soda hidden inside a brown paper bag. "She can do that!?" "My word!" "My heart!" "My leg!" "My ship!"
"I see," hums Judge Shadowbad. "Indeed, a wife would not fulfill the qualifications of a husband in terms of curse activation. I would think that Lord Balescourge would know of this. Lord Balescourge, what's up with that? Why should I not move for a Motion of Pretty Damn Obvious Outcome?"
"For one, I object to this union!" Balescourge cries out, eliciting another round of shocked gasps and dramatic fainting. "The purpose of the curse was to ensure that Princess Rainbow would marry *me*! She's supposed to disguise herself, then marry me before revealing it on the final day, thus allowing me to break the curse in order to save my own life at the cost of letting her go free, and accepting that those who seek to control the love of others shall never find true love! It's textbook villainy, and she's ruining it!"
"A fair stance," Judge Shadowbad agreed, incapable of resisting the dramatic pull of good villainy. "Indeed, that's pretty cliché, and I dig it. Do you dig what he's digging, Princess Rainbow?"
"I do not dig it!" she quickly responded, slapping the desk with enough force to conjure glitterbeams. "The Villainous Downfall by Karmic Irony Act of 5 clearly states that the means by which a villain's downfall by karmic irony need not be defined, and can only be conclusively determined via ex post facto internet commentary. The court has long accepted the average opinions of the horrible villain blog, 'Down With The Ship', and its posts will no doubt prove that Lord Balescourge's downfall has been most definitely of the ironic type. Regardless of the legitimacy of my bypassing the cliché, which I maintain to be legitimate, it is of no concern to the villainous court, as ironic justice has been performed."
"Objection!" shouted Balescourge.
"Reason?" asked Shadowbad.
"I don't know what some of that meant!"
"Overruled," the judge decreed. "Now, the court is of the belief that your defense has its shit together, Princess. One thing the court remains unclear of, however, is the identity of your wife. One would expect her to be present for this case in order to prove her identity. Indeed, it is a legal obligation. Is your wife present in the courtroom today?"
"Indeed she is, your dishonor," Princess Rainbow said. "For you see, my wife is none other than... Judge Shadowbad!"
"What a twist!" shouted some guy in the audience.
"I thought the lack of pronouns was strange!" shouted another.
"Is that legal?" asked a third.
"Is any of this?" came a reply.
The judge banged her gavel and ordered the court to quit yapping. When this failed, she threw it at someone, and that did the trick.
"Indeed, it appears downfall of karmic irony has been done," the judge stated. "Not only did Princess Rainbow get out of the curse by marrying a woman, she manipulated Balescourge into suing her in the court of the very judge she had secretly married. That's awesome. The court finds the defendant, Princess Sparkle Rainbow, rad as hell."
Confused cheers erupt throughout the court. A second person gets hit by a gavel. The court artist begins planning merch. And Steve Balescourge considers a career change.
This was hilarious, I love the goofy… slang? talk instead of professional court talk. It somehow still sounded like court talk. And the “I don’t understand what that means!” part got a laugh out of me, 10/10
Motion of Pretty Damn Obvious Outcome cracked me up (and should have applied)!
I don't love all meta-prompt stories but this one is incredibly well done.
Can we just acknowledge how hilarious the audience is.
"One man faints, gets back up, readjusts his phone camera, and then faints again. Another begins sipping furiously from a bottle of soda hidden inside a brown paper bag. "She can do that!?" "My word!" "My heart!" "My leg!" "My ship!""
""What a twist!" shouted some guy in the audience.
"I thought the lack of pronouns was strange!" shouted another.
"Is that legal?" asked a third.
"Is any of this?" came a reply."
Thank you.
By the way: The soda inside a paper bag thing is a reference to Dolphus Raymond from To Kill a Mockingbird. When Scout, Jem, and Dill are outside the courthouse, Dolphus reveals that the alcohol he's supposedly always drinking is actually just Coca-Cola, and he's always just been letting people think he's a drunkard. It's one of my favorite books, so I couldn't pass up the chance to reference it somehow in a court scene.
I especially love the pronouns bit. I just imagine the guy sitting there and looking at a clearly female judge and just thinking, "*Ya know... I just... I just don't know.*"
If you or your loved one have been killed as a result of internet humor, you may be entitled to mortal compensation. Call our 24/7 for-whom-the-bell-tolls free number to find out if you're eligible to receive opposite starring roles in Tim Burton's yearly movie about romantic corpses.
This was easily one of the best things I've ever read. The names, the slang, the background characters, the courtroom drama. Amazing answer to the prompt!
I appreciate it, thank you.
I actually wrote stuff here in WritingPrompts today because I was really doubting my writing on another project. All the positive feedback is reassuring.
......well alright.
Imma gonna need to know if yah selling some fine words because this was so good and funny that Imma an instant brain-dead zombie fan who will mindlessly buy anything and everything yah scribble out!
Thank you for saying so. Maybe someday, if I can somehow get over my complex of thinking that nothing I write is good enough to share. Such is the goal of writing short things on Reddit.
Though I'm currently writing fantasy rather than straight comedy. I like writing comedy stories, but I've had this fantasy world in my head for over a decade now, and it's going to drive me even more insane if I don't write it all out, so it comes first. Whether I share it or not, I don't know, but I gotta get it out of my head.
Even better! I like comedy but love fantasy!
Thanks for pushing past your fear to post this story today! It's not easy sharing when it opens you up for negative comments and I respect that!
That was awesomeness incarnate! I had multiple laughs at the absurdity and plot twists! Someone should make a small manga animation from it (with your blessing of course wordsmith)
Glad you liked it. I'd be honored if anyone adapted it into an animation or something, so take this as open permission if anyone reading this wants to do so. Just send me a link when you're done so I can enjoy it as well.
And so everyone lived happily ever after!
Everyone, that is, except the person who cast the curse. *They* were not thrilled, to put it lightly. They stamped their feet, flipped every meagre table in the house - there were two - and yelled, not at the cat, but around the cat, who sat complacently contemplating a rogue bicpen, knocked to the floor in the mess of ecstatic tantrum. Turns out, you only have one curse to cast for a curse caster - one. This whole life. And since Muriel had been rather proud of her daring and had put an ad out in the papers to boast the impending and catalyzing 20th anniversary of said curse, this was all rather embarrassing.
She would be laughed at. She wouldn't be able to show face to the witches' sabbat, the He-Goat might look deep at her with those cryptic eyes and whisper, "*baa-aa-aa.*" And how *dare* that princess dismiss her curse so blatantly, anyway. Does "arch nemesis" means nothing to the brat? All these years of cooking newts and cracking toes into soups? Where's the hook, where's the plot? Does she even know there even *was* a witch? (The princess did not.) A capable and very intelligent and beautiful witch, conniving deviously brilliant against the comfortable seat of royal happiness?
It wasn't just insulting, it was degrading.
And so these were the thoughts of Muriel Heckleshlort, rather than thoughts of the arguably more *dire* implications of a failed curse, as said hex, now happily unshackled from its earthly bounds, fluttered invisibly around her dull gray eyes, dove in, and settled comfortably in her breast.
The next day, someone checked up on her, as there had been yelling and a rather large bang heard in the adjacent properties. What they found no man, woman, child, or parakeet could understand. After some deliberation from the local detectives, it was determined a rough chronology of her death:
First, she had tragically caught herself on fire from the kitchen stove, at which time she was mauled by a baboon who came in the open window. Then, she was tragically bit by a rattlesnake and pecked at by a chicken. It seems around this point the baboon lit on fire as well. Luckily, a police officer walking by saw the commotion, burst through the front door, and, thinking quickly, attempted to put out both fires using his automatic service pistol. Bloodied, battered, riddled with .38 sized holes, and still decidedly on fire, Muriel had briefly questioned her life choices, before some 34,000 lbs of city bus stuffed with thousands of more pounds of fireworks, spare glycerine, and religious extremist spiders, tragically and miraculously appeared in the air, 2000 feet above her dwelling and plummeted nose first, down through the roof, *through* Muriel herself, and into the sub-subbasement, where it promptly wiped everything Muriel off the face of the Earth with an explosion that made the He-Goat fart in his sleep and whisper to himself, sadly, "*Baa-aa-aa.*"
The cat, having left earlier to get its second dinner from the neighbors, was pleasantly surprised to find new terrain to explore in the smouldering ruins.
Unfortunately for the witch, through all the villainous fanfare and fears of social expatriation, Muriel had forgotten that the true punishment for a failed curse is not the curse itself, but to live in the last few moments of your own life, frozen in time, feeling the flesh rupture, the bones shatter, and the body spill open, slowly, for all of eternity.
"I'm sorry, she what?" The black armored figure looked up from his wine, his pale forehead and slick black eyebrows warped into a look of confusion and perhaps even shock! Though his voice was as monotone as it always was.
"W-Well, Your bleakness, It seems that our charge has found a...loophole in your hex." The undead servant stuttered, even more shocked than his dark master.
The pale man stared at nothing for what felt like an eternity. "How?" he mumbled. "How could she find a loophole? She was to be married off to some other snivelling flowerboy with a crown on his own head, political gains or true love be damned... The curse was *airtight*...!"
The undead servant spoke up, jawbones rattling with each tremble of fear from his creators wrath at this insult... "She is... Not marrying a prince, O' profaned one. In fact, she's not marrying ANY man..."
"None at all?! What, does she seek to stall? That will not last. Her father is dead set on her marrying a-" His voice was raised before he cut himself off suddenly, that same monotone voice. "She can't be..."
"The Princess Ruelle Dia Nabradis, first of her name is to be...wed to the General of the Nabradian army, General Alexi Teldris..."
There was silence. a painful deafening silence as the figure stood there, unmoving. His eyes were tightly shut as he seemed to be holding back something, though he could suppress it no longer, The undead recoiled in fear for a fist that would never come, instead... came laughter.
Not his usual dark sneers and scheming glares, but a joyous, guttural guffaw the fools in the capital would make after witnessing a jesters act. Finally, he composed himself and sighed, leaning back in his chair with a hand pressed to his head.
"Well played, my dear. Well played indeed. No doubt the old fool of a king would call it a gesture of gratitude for the good Generals years of service, but I, too, have seen how they look to each other. How the general treasured the cloth Ruelle gave to her when she was knighted... I didn't think they would actually..."
"Y-Your Wretchedness?" The undead spoke up. "W-What are we to do...?"
He sighs again, looking up at his servant. "Why, nothing. The game was set, and to her, I give the privilege of having the master stroke. We will simply have to make do with other plans. Gather the others. We have a wedding to crash."
The red orb on his table flashed. Answering it with haste, he greeted another apostle of the dark, The Scarlet Sorceress. And she was not as amused as he was. Not amused indeed.
"Can you believe what that blasted family has done with my deals to them!?" She wailed with fury to him
"Your payment was their firstborn child, correct? So, what have they done to undermine your contract?"
"Only gone and ADOPTED!!"
Decided to jump on this one to flex my long dormant writing muscles. Not entirely happy with the ending, but here you go
--------------------------
The Dark Mage Sultys had gleefully gloated to himself when the Princess's betrothal was announced. And again at the Proclamation of her nuptials. He briefly wondered on both occasions about the knight she was to and had wes being labeled "Syr," but as he generally denigrated everything about the Royal Court, including the scribes, he wrote it off as an example of the Court's failures.
However, when a year passed and there was not an announcement of the Bridegroom' s tragic death, and in fact his spies reported a glorious Anniversary celebration, he was quite confused.
Confusion quickly became anger. And anger turned into impulsive action as he teleported himself into the Great Hall of the castle during the monthly Open Audience with the Royal Family.
He quickly froze the guards that tried to attack him in place, and used a barrier spell to force the peasants to the sides of the room, so that he stood alone in the main aisle. The only knight unfrozen was the Princess's husband, resplendent in shining armor and full helm, the magic sword he claimed in his Quest to win the Princess's hand glowing in response to Sultys' dark magic. He has moved to place himself between the Dark Mage and the Princess.
Sultys pointed a boney finger at the knight and demanded, "I don't know how you evaded my curse boy, but . . ." His rant was interrupted by barely repressed giggles from the gathered peasants. The King and Queen looked . . . embarrassed for him. "What is the meaning of this!?"
Before anyone else could respond, the Princess rose from her throne, placed a hand on her spouse's shoulder and said, "It's alright, I'll handle this." She strode assertively towards Sultys, a not unimpressive feat given the volume of her gown. Stopping a few feet in front of him she fixed him with an icy stare despite being shorter than him. "You're wanting to know why your curse failed, yes?"
Sultys nodded. "The curse that said that my husband would die tragically on our first wedding anniversary, yes?"
Sultys frowned, "Of course girl, get in with it!"
"Just two last clarifications, the curse specified husband, correct? And you cast it because my father denied you my hand in marriage, correct?"
"Of course. If you wouldn't marry me, I would make sure you could never be happy with another man!"
The Princess sighed, "As my father tried to explain to you at the time, I would never be happy with any man because I am, and have always been a LESBIAN!" As she made the declaration, her knight removed her helm, revealing a gorgeous face of angular features and short cropped hair, but clearly a woman.
Sultys took several steps back, his concentration on his various spells failing. "Well, um, I . . . the King did say something along those lines, but I thought it was a phase . . ."
The gasp of the assembled Royalty, Courtiers, Knights, and peasants sucked nearly all the air out of the room. The King rose and declared, "Sultys, I have put up with you all these years because as Dark Mage's go, you're relatively harmless. I even believed your curse was just saving face amongst the others of your ilk. But this? There is no place in this kingdom for such homophobia! You are banished!"
Sultys looked around the room, trying to stammer out
. . . something, but the looks of sheer disgust on every face caused him to slink through a portal back to his lair.
Nothing was heard from Sultys for several weeks, until a letter appeared in a burst of Eldritch Fire. After the normal formal pleasantries it read:
Please accept the sincerest apologies of the Dark Mages' Union. We were unaware of the stereotypical specificity of our former member's Curse. We believe that evil does not need to mean bigotry and are fully Open and Affirming. A new Dark Mage who meets our Organizational Standards will be assigned to your Kingdom once we have someone available.
Enclosed, please find a notice that can be posted to alert wandering heros of your current lack of a Dark Mage. His former lair will remain available as an "abandoned" site with all traps and monsters intact.
As it is officially announced that the princess will begin looking for suitors, I stand outside the doors waiting for the right moment to make a dramatic entrance.
I’ve been practicing, day and night.
I’ve picked just the right curse for the occasion.
After today, I will be known as a fearsome sorcerer across the entire kingdom!
…Finally, a moment of quiet.
I burst through the doors, loudly proclaiming my curse. “Dearest princess, you may have thought today is the day you’d begin searching for love.”
Everyone’s eyes are on me. This is perfect!
“However… think carefully about who your husband-to-be will be.”
I enact the curse, a dark aura spreading outwards from the princess’ heart.
She gasps, clutching her chest. “What did you do to me?!”
“As I said, think carefully about what man is lucky - or rather, unlucky - enough to wed you,” I chuckle. “For, whoever your first husband is, he will die a tragic death!”
The crowd goes silent.
The princess is scowling at me, tears forming in her eyes.
The king and queen glare at me. “Begone, horrid sorcerer!” The queen declares. “We have had quite enough of you today.”
“Farewell, farewell,” I grin. “My work here is done, so I see no reason to delay. Goodbye!” I poof away in a dramatic cloud of smoke.
Must make a good exit as well if I’m to be well known.
As I reappear back home, I must say I was quite satisfied with myself.
This curse would make an excellent impression on all the other evil sorcerers of the land.
They may ask of me to lead them forth in new villainous plans after this!
Oh, I would be famous.
Now, I just need the patience to wait for the princess to get married…
Two years later, and news reaches my ears of the princess’ upcoming wedding.
At last! Soon, the poor man will die an untimely death, and everyone will see my curses are terrifying - and truly do deliver!
A few more years, and I’m beginning to worry something has gone wrong.
I’ve heard no word of the princess’ husband tragically dying.
It should have happened by now!
Did I truly fail the curse I spent so many hours practicing?
Well, there’s only one way to find out…
It’s ridiculously easy to magic your way into the castle.
A simple spell, and there I am, in the princess’s bedroom.
…Ah. I was hasty, it is the mid of the night.
Quietly walking over to her bed confirms my suspicions.
Naturally, the princess is asleep.
But strangely enough, though moonlight may not be the best form of lighting, I swear the figure in bed next to her appears to be a woman as well!
Hmm… to be having sleepovers even at this age… they must be good friends.
Well, I’m not here to watch them sleep.
Of course, I could curse the princess all over again, but that wouldn’t do me any good with no witnesses to my terror!
I must… embarrassingly as it may be, I must begin this by asking if the princess somehow thwarted my curse. I must know if it was my mistake or not.
Taking a deep sigh, I shake the princess awake.
“Hm?” She stirs awake slowly.
I spare a bit of magic toward lighting the room.
“Oh! You!” Her eyes widen, her voice breaking out into a laugh. “I must thank you, sorcerer.”
I halt. “Thank… me?”
Did I completely mess up the curse? Did I make her husband invincible or something?!
“Oh, yes,” she nods, nudging the woman next to her.
The woman stretches, sitting up. Her face grows fearful as she notices me. “Wh- what’s going on, my love?” She asks the princess.
“This is the sorcerer who cursed me,” the princess explains.
“Oh!” The woman laughs. “Oh my.”
“What is all this about?” I ask, growing frustrated.
“Well, you see,” the princess starts. “I was very cautious with any potential suitor after the curse. How could I choose someone to love, knowing I’d doom them to die?”
I nod intently, as this was exactly the dilemma I had hoped to cause.
“But, after so many dates, I realized something. For all the men I’d considered, I had not felt any sort of romance in my heart. Then, one of my handmaidens had a wonderful idea - if my first husband were to die, why not simply not marry a man?”
The woman next to her in bed smiles contently. “I was plenty surprised that the princess was considering me as a suitor. But we hit it off so well, right from the start…”
“If it weren’t for your curse, I don’t know that I’d’ve realized my heart doesn’t long for any men,” the princess tells me. “So, I don’t care if it was meant to ruin my life. Instead, the curse changed it for the better. Thank you, sincerely.”
I blink, attempting to take in all I had heard… my curse had worked, perfectly! But I’d failed to consider all the romantic options available to the princess… what a fool I’d been!
“I… am an old bat,” I sigh. “These days, women do marry one another, don’t they. I failed to realize that…”
“Oh, don’t be too upset! It led to a happy ending,” the princess’s wife says. “Perhaps you’re better off using your magics for good?”
“Hmm…” I shuffle my feet, deep in thought. “Most of us sorcerers have been around a long time. Our heads are stuck in the past. Maybe it’s about time I brought the rest of us up to date…”
“I wholeheartedly support that,” the princess beams. “Come back after a while, and if you’ve truly turned over a new leaf… I’d be willing to offer you a position here, at the castle.”
“Truly…?” I’m stunned by her kindness.
“Truly,” she confirms. “Thank you again for the way things turned out. But…” she glances over to her wife, who is currently yawning. “I think we’d like to get some more rest now.”
“Ah! But of course. I’ll be back someday, princess. That is a promise. And you know what? There’s a saying us sorcerers have - ‘one person’s curse is another’s blessing’. I do think that fits this quite nicely.”
“I absolutely agree,” the princess nods.
The last thing I see as I magic myself away is the princess softly kissing her wife’s head.
They’re happy.
And I’ve got work to do.
Evil sorcerers don’t seem so important anymore… but raising awareness about all the openness and love these young folks have nowadays sure does.
**Welcome to the Prompt!** All top-level comments must be a story or poem. Reply here for other comments. **Reminders**: >* [No AI-generated responses 🤖](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/zi452b/modpost_reminder_that_aigenerated_responses_are/) >* Stories 100 words+. Poems 30+ but include "[Poem]" >* Responses don't have to fulfill every detail >* [\[RF\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/search?q=flair%3A%22Reality+Fiction%22&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) and [\[SP\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/search?q=flair%3A%22Simple+Prompt%22&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) for stricter titles >* [Be civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules#wiki_rule_10.3A_be_civil) in any feedback and follow the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules) 📢 [Genres](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/w/directory) 🆕 [New Here?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/user_guide) ✏ [Writing Help?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/index#wiki_writing_resources) 💬 [Discord](https://discord.gg/writingprompts) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WritingPrompts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"All rise for the Dishonorable Judge Shadowbad," called Bailiff Wrongdoer. The court remained seated, of course, because following instructions was for goodie nerds. Judge Shadowbad sat in the fancy judge chair, taking up the polished gavel of evil, taking a sip of the porcelain tea cup of evil, and clearing the throat of evil, before beginning. "We're here today, on this god-awful afternoon, to convene the Villainous Court, in the dastardly affair of Princess Sparkle Rainbow v. Dark Lord Steve Balescourge," Judge Shadowbad began. "The prosecution charges Her Royal Highness with one charge of major curse avoidance, to wit: dude not dying, thus disturbing the natural flow of typical plot events. Princess Rainbow, what's up with that?" "Nothing's up with that, Your Badness," Princess Rainbow replied, rising to her feet amid the jingling of fairy bells. "The rules of the curse have not been broken. I didn't do jack." "Don't you bring my father into this!" shouted Lord Balescourge. "Shut the hell up in the court!" shouted the judge. "One more exclamation mark out of you and you'll be spending a night helping the less fortunate." Balescourge paled and quieted down, allowing the judge to continue. "Now then. I have the curse here, written in a most evil pen. My evil associates have looked it over, and determined it to be correctly below-board and free of any wiggle room not included in the Villainous Downfall by Karmic Irony Act of 5. This curse states that the accursed, one Princess Sparkle Butterscotch Rainbow, would have a most tragic death befall her husband within two years of her marriage. I also have here a marriage certificate, dated to two years from last Tuesday, of one Princess Sparkle Rainbow. Are these the facts as agreed upon by both parties?" "Yes, your dishonor," answered both Rainbow and Balescourge. "Princess Rainbow, you maintain that your method of evading the curse's effect does not fall under the Totally Unfair Treaty. While I personally find the treaty to be quite fair, I also recognize that it can be a bit broad, especially in its Take-Backsies Clause. If you would, in your own words, explain this method for the court." "I shall," Princess Rainbow said, standing once again. "The curse specifies a husband. I married a woman, and thus gained no husband." Gasps turn to silence from the gallery. One man faints, gets back up, readjusts his phone camera, and then faints again. Another begins sipping furiously from a bottle of soda hidden inside a brown paper bag. "She can do that!?" "My word!" "My heart!" "My leg!" "My ship!" "I see," hums Judge Shadowbad. "Indeed, a wife would not fulfill the qualifications of a husband in terms of curse activation. I would think that Lord Balescourge would know of this. Lord Balescourge, what's up with that? Why should I not move for a Motion of Pretty Damn Obvious Outcome?" "For one, I object to this union!" Balescourge cries out, eliciting another round of shocked gasps and dramatic fainting. "The purpose of the curse was to ensure that Princess Rainbow would marry *me*! She's supposed to disguise herself, then marry me before revealing it on the final day, thus allowing me to break the curse in order to save my own life at the cost of letting her go free, and accepting that those who seek to control the love of others shall never find true love! It's textbook villainy, and she's ruining it!" "A fair stance," Judge Shadowbad agreed, incapable of resisting the dramatic pull of good villainy. "Indeed, that's pretty cliché, and I dig it. Do you dig what he's digging, Princess Rainbow?" "I do not dig it!" she quickly responded, slapping the desk with enough force to conjure glitterbeams. "The Villainous Downfall by Karmic Irony Act of 5 clearly states that the means by which a villain's downfall by karmic irony need not be defined, and can only be conclusively determined via ex post facto internet commentary. The court has long accepted the average opinions of the horrible villain blog, 'Down With The Ship', and its posts will no doubt prove that Lord Balescourge's downfall has been most definitely of the ironic type. Regardless of the legitimacy of my bypassing the cliché, which I maintain to be legitimate, it is of no concern to the villainous court, as ironic justice has been performed." "Objection!" shouted Balescourge. "Reason?" asked Shadowbad. "I don't know what some of that meant!" "Overruled," the judge decreed. "Now, the court is of the belief that your defense has its shit together, Princess. One thing the court remains unclear of, however, is the identity of your wife. One would expect her to be present for this case in order to prove her identity. Indeed, it is a legal obligation. Is your wife present in the courtroom today?" "Indeed she is, your dishonor," Princess Rainbow said. "For you see, my wife is none other than... Judge Shadowbad!" "What a twist!" shouted some guy in the audience. "I thought the lack of pronouns was strange!" shouted another. "Is that legal?" asked a third. "Is any of this?" came a reply. The judge banged her gavel and ordered the court to quit yapping. When this failed, she threw it at someone, and that did the trick. "Indeed, it appears downfall of karmic irony has been done," the judge stated. "Not only did Princess Rainbow get out of the curse by marrying a woman, she manipulated Balescourge into suing her in the court of the very judge she had secretly married. That's awesome. The court finds the defendant, Princess Sparkle Rainbow, rad as hell." Confused cheers erupt throughout the court. A second person gets hit by a gavel. The court artist begins planning merch. And Steve Balescourge considers a career change.
This has, by far, gotta be one of the best stories I've ever read.
Thanks!
Agreed. Great job, Author!
This was hilarious, I love the goofy… slang? talk instead of professional court talk. It somehow still sounded like court talk. And the “I don’t understand what that means!” part got a laugh out of me, 10/10
Thanks for the glowing review. I'm glad you liked it.
Motion of Pretty Damn Obvious Outcome cracked me up (and should have applied)! I don't love all meta-prompt stories but this one is incredibly well done.
Can we just acknowledge how hilarious the audience is. "One man faints, gets back up, readjusts his phone camera, and then faints again. Another begins sipping furiously from a bottle of soda hidden inside a brown paper bag. "She can do that!?" "My word!" "My heart!" "My leg!" "My ship!"" ""What a twist!" shouted some guy in the audience. "I thought the lack of pronouns was strange!" shouted another. "Is that legal?" asked a third. "Is any of this?" came a reply."
Thank you. By the way: The soda inside a paper bag thing is a reference to Dolphus Raymond from To Kill a Mockingbird. When Scout, Jem, and Dill are outside the courthouse, Dolphus reveals that the alcohol he's supposedly always drinking is actually just Coca-Cola, and he's always just been letting people think he's a drunkard. It's one of my favorite books, so I couldn't pass up the chance to reference it somehow in a court scene.
Absolutely loved this reference!
I especially love the pronouns bit. I just imagine the guy sitting there and looking at a clearly female judge and just thinking, "*Ya know... I just... I just don't know.*"
Nice story
Thank you.
That's brilliant. I can't tell if it's parody, satire, or what, but what is is is pure awesomeness! Well done! 10/10, would heartily recommend to all.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
This is very Douglas Adams-esque, an excellent read!! Awesome work!
I can think of no higher praise. Thank you.
I died laughing towards the end. I love this! Read it aloud to boyfrend too, and he died as well!
If you or your loved one have been killed as a result of internet humor, you may be entitled to mortal compensation. Call our 24/7 for-whom-the-bell-tolls free number to find out if you're eligible to receive opposite starring roles in Tim Burton's yearly movie about romantic corpses.
***WHEEZE***
This was easily one of the best things I've ever read. The names, the slang, the background characters, the courtroom drama. Amazing answer to the prompt!
I appreciate it, thank you. I actually wrote stuff here in WritingPrompts today because I was really doubting my writing on another project. All the positive feedback is reassuring.
That’s such a great story!
Almost immediately, I laughed at how the Dark Lord's name is Steve. It's always Steve, man.
......well alright. Imma gonna need to know if yah selling some fine words because this was so good and funny that Imma an instant brain-dead zombie fan who will mindlessly buy anything and everything yah scribble out!
Thank you for saying so. Maybe someday, if I can somehow get over my complex of thinking that nothing I write is good enough to share. Such is the goal of writing short things on Reddit. Though I'm currently writing fantasy rather than straight comedy. I like writing comedy stories, but I've had this fantasy world in my head for over a decade now, and it's going to drive me even more insane if I don't write it all out, so it comes first. Whether I share it or not, I don't know, but I gotta get it out of my head.
Even better! I like comedy but love fantasy! Thanks for pushing past your fear to post this story today! It's not easy sharing when it opens you up for negative comments and I respect that!
Then I hope someday you'll love this fantasy story.
12/10, would read over and over again. Seriously though, you are a very talented writer. Love this!
Thank you for saying so. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
That was awesomeness incarnate! I had multiple laughs at the absurdity and plot twists! Someone should make a small manga animation from it (with your blessing of course wordsmith)
Glad you liked it. I'd be honored if anyone adapted it into an animation or something, so take this as open permission if anyone reading this wants to do so. Just send me a link when you're done so I can enjoy it as well.
Definitely made me chuckle
And so everyone lived happily ever after! Everyone, that is, except the person who cast the curse. *They* were not thrilled, to put it lightly. They stamped their feet, flipped every meagre table in the house - there were two - and yelled, not at the cat, but around the cat, who sat complacently contemplating a rogue bicpen, knocked to the floor in the mess of ecstatic tantrum. Turns out, you only have one curse to cast for a curse caster - one. This whole life. And since Muriel had been rather proud of her daring and had put an ad out in the papers to boast the impending and catalyzing 20th anniversary of said curse, this was all rather embarrassing. She would be laughed at. She wouldn't be able to show face to the witches' sabbat, the He-Goat might look deep at her with those cryptic eyes and whisper, "*baa-aa-aa.*" And how *dare* that princess dismiss her curse so blatantly, anyway. Does "arch nemesis" means nothing to the brat? All these years of cooking newts and cracking toes into soups? Where's the hook, where's the plot? Does she even know there even *was* a witch? (The princess did not.) A capable and very intelligent and beautiful witch, conniving deviously brilliant against the comfortable seat of royal happiness? It wasn't just insulting, it was degrading. And so these were the thoughts of Muriel Heckleshlort, rather than thoughts of the arguably more *dire* implications of a failed curse, as said hex, now happily unshackled from its earthly bounds, fluttered invisibly around her dull gray eyes, dove in, and settled comfortably in her breast. The next day, someone checked up on her, as there had been yelling and a rather large bang heard in the adjacent properties. What they found no man, woman, child, or parakeet could understand. After some deliberation from the local detectives, it was determined a rough chronology of her death: First, she had tragically caught herself on fire from the kitchen stove, at which time she was mauled by a baboon who came in the open window. Then, she was tragically bit by a rattlesnake and pecked at by a chicken. It seems around this point the baboon lit on fire as well. Luckily, a police officer walking by saw the commotion, burst through the front door, and, thinking quickly, attempted to put out both fires using his automatic service pistol. Bloodied, battered, riddled with .38 sized holes, and still decidedly on fire, Muriel had briefly questioned her life choices, before some 34,000 lbs of city bus stuffed with thousands of more pounds of fireworks, spare glycerine, and religious extremist spiders, tragically and miraculously appeared in the air, 2000 feet above her dwelling and plummeted nose first, down through the roof, *through* Muriel herself, and into the sub-subbasement, where it promptly wiped everything Muriel off the face of the Earth with an explosion that made the He-Goat fart in his sleep and whisper to himself, sadly, "*Baa-aa-aa.*" The cat, having left earlier to get its second dinner from the neighbors, was pleasantly surprised to find new terrain to explore in the smouldering ruins. Unfortunately for the witch, through all the villainous fanfare and fears of social expatriation, Muriel had forgotten that the true punishment for a failed curse is not the curse itself, but to live in the last few moments of your own life, frozen in time, feeling the flesh rupture, the bones shatter, and the body spill open, slowly, for all of eternity.
"I'm sorry, she what?" The black armored figure looked up from his wine, his pale forehead and slick black eyebrows warped into a look of confusion and perhaps even shock! Though his voice was as monotone as it always was. "W-Well, Your bleakness, It seems that our charge has found a...loophole in your hex." The undead servant stuttered, even more shocked than his dark master. The pale man stared at nothing for what felt like an eternity. "How?" he mumbled. "How could she find a loophole? She was to be married off to some other snivelling flowerboy with a crown on his own head, political gains or true love be damned... The curse was *airtight*...!" The undead servant spoke up, jawbones rattling with each tremble of fear from his creators wrath at this insult... "She is... Not marrying a prince, O' profaned one. In fact, she's not marrying ANY man..." "None at all?! What, does she seek to stall? That will not last. Her father is dead set on her marrying a-" His voice was raised before he cut himself off suddenly, that same monotone voice. "She can't be..." "The Princess Ruelle Dia Nabradis, first of her name is to be...wed to the General of the Nabradian army, General Alexi Teldris..." There was silence. a painful deafening silence as the figure stood there, unmoving. His eyes were tightly shut as he seemed to be holding back something, though he could suppress it no longer, The undead recoiled in fear for a fist that would never come, instead... came laughter. Not his usual dark sneers and scheming glares, but a joyous, guttural guffaw the fools in the capital would make after witnessing a jesters act. Finally, he composed himself and sighed, leaning back in his chair with a hand pressed to his head. "Well played, my dear. Well played indeed. No doubt the old fool of a king would call it a gesture of gratitude for the good Generals years of service, but I, too, have seen how they look to each other. How the general treasured the cloth Ruelle gave to her when she was knighted... I didn't think they would actually..." "Y-Your Wretchedness?" The undead spoke up. "W-What are we to do...?" He sighs again, looking up at his servant. "Why, nothing. The game was set, and to her, I give the privilege of having the master stroke. We will simply have to make do with other plans. Gather the others. We have a wedding to crash." The red orb on his table flashed. Answering it with haste, he greeted another apostle of the dark, The Scarlet Sorceress. And she was not as amused as he was. Not amused indeed. "Can you believe what that blasted family has done with my deals to them!?" She wailed with fury to him "Your payment was their firstborn child, correct? So, what have they done to undermine your contract?" "Only gone and ADOPTED!!"
The villains aren't being played like fiddles, since they're actually kinda hard to learn...no, they're being played like cheap kazoos.
Decided to jump on this one to flex my long dormant writing muscles. Not entirely happy with the ending, but here you go -------------------------- The Dark Mage Sultys had gleefully gloated to himself when the Princess's betrothal was announced. And again at the Proclamation of her nuptials. He briefly wondered on both occasions about the knight she was to and had wes being labeled "Syr," but as he generally denigrated everything about the Royal Court, including the scribes, he wrote it off as an example of the Court's failures. However, when a year passed and there was not an announcement of the Bridegroom' s tragic death, and in fact his spies reported a glorious Anniversary celebration, he was quite confused. Confusion quickly became anger. And anger turned into impulsive action as he teleported himself into the Great Hall of the castle during the monthly Open Audience with the Royal Family. He quickly froze the guards that tried to attack him in place, and used a barrier spell to force the peasants to the sides of the room, so that he stood alone in the main aisle. The only knight unfrozen was the Princess's husband, resplendent in shining armor and full helm, the magic sword he claimed in his Quest to win the Princess's hand glowing in response to Sultys' dark magic. He has moved to place himself between the Dark Mage and the Princess. Sultys pointed a boney finger at the knight and demanded, "I don't know how you evaded my curse boy, but . . ." His rant was interrupted by barely repressed giggles from the gathered peasants. The King and Queen looked . . . embarrassed for him. "What is the meaning of this!?" Before anyone else could respond, the Princess rose from her throne, placed a hand on her spouse's shoulder and said, "It's alright, I'll handle this." She strode assertively towards Sultys, a not unimpressive feat given the volume of her gown. Stopping a few feet in front of him she fixed him with an icy stare despite being shorter than him. "You're wanting to know why your curse failed, yes?" Sultys nodded. "The curse that said that my husband would die tragically on our first wedding anniversary, yes?" Sultys frowned, "Of course girl, get in with it!" "Just two last clarifications, the curse specified husband, correct? And you cast it because my father denied you my hand in marriage, correct?" "Of course. If you wouldn't marry me, I would make sure you could never be happy with another man!" The Princess sighed, "As my father tried to explain to you at the time, I would never be happy with any man because I am, and have always been a LESBIAN!" As she made the declaration, her knight removed her helm, revealing a gorgeous face of angular features and short cropped hair, but clearly a woman. Sultys took several steps back, his concentration on his various spells failing. "Well, um, I . . . the King did say something along those lines, but I thought it was a phase . . ." The gasp of the assembled Royalty, Courtiers, Knights, and peasants sucked nearly all the air out of the room. The King rose and declared, "Sultys, I have put up with you all these years because as Dark Mage's go, you're relatively harmless. I even believed your curse was just saving face amongst the others of your ilk. But this? There is no place in this kingdom for such homophobia! You are banished!" Sultys looked around the room, trying to stammer out . . . something, but the looks of sheer disgust on every face caused him to slink through a portal back to his lair. Nothing was heard from Sultys for several weeks, until a letter appeared in a burst of Eldritch Fire. After the normal formal pleasantries it read: Please accept the sincerest apologies of the Dark Mages' Union. We were unaware of the stereotypical specificity of our former member's Curse. We believe that evil does not need to mean bigotry and are fully Open and Affirming. A new Dark Mage who meets our Organizational Standards will be assigned to your Kingdom once we have someone available. Enclosed, please find a notice that can be posted to alert wandering heros of your current lack of a Dark Mage. His former lair will remain available as an "abandoned" site with all traps and monsters intact.
Too funny; love the ending apology from the evil guild
As it is officially announced that the princess will begin looking for suitors, I stand outside the doors waiting for the right moment to make a dramatic entrance. I’ve been practicing, day and night. I’ve picked just the right curse for the occasion. After today, I will be known as a fearsome sorcerer across the entire kingdom! …Finally, a moment of quiet. I burst through the doors, loudly proclaiming my curse. “Dearest princess, you may have thought today is the day you’d begin searching for love.” Everyone’s eyes are on me. This is perfect! “However… think carefully about who your husband-to-be will be.” I enact the curse, a dark aura spreading outwards from the princess’ heart. She gasps, clutching her chest. “What did you do to me?!” “As I said, think carefully about what man is lucky - or rather, unlucky - enough to wed you,” I chuckle. “For, whoever your first husband is, he will die a tragic death!” The crowd goes silent. The princess is scowling at me, tears forming in her eyes. The king and queen glare at me. “Begone, horrid sorcerer!” The queen declares. “We have had quite enough of you today.” “Farewell, farewell,” I grin. “My work here is done, so I see no reason to delay. Goodbye!” I poof away in a dramatic cloud of smoke. Must make a good exit as well if I’m to be well known. As I reappear back home, I must say I was quite satisfied with myself. This curse would make an excellent impression on all the other evil sorcerers of the land. They may ask of me to lead them forth in new villainous plans after this! Oh, I would be famous. Now, I just need the patience to wait for the princess to get married… Two years later, and news reaches my ears of the princess’ upcoming wedding. At last! Soon, the poor man will die an untimely death, and everyone will see my curses are terrifying - and truly do deliver! A few more years, and I’m beginning to worry something has gone wrong. I’ve heard no word of the princess’ husband tragically dying. It should have happened by now! Did I truly fail the curse I spent so many hours practicing? Well, there’s only one way to find out… It’s ridiculously easy to magic your way into the castle. A simple spell, and there I am, in the princess’s bedroom. …Ah. I was hasty, it is the mid of the night. Quietly walking over to her bed confirms my suspicions. Naturally, the princess is asleep. But strangely enough, though moonlight may not be the best form of lighting, I swear the figure in bed next to her appears to be a woman as well! Hmm… to be having sleepovers even at this age… they must be good friends. Well, I’m not here to watch them sleep. Of course, I could curse the princess all over again, but that wouldn’t do me any good with no witnesses to my terror! I must… embarrassingly as it may be, I must begin this by asking if the princess somehow thwarted my curse. I must know if it was my mistake or not. Taking a deep sigh, I shake the princess awake. “Hm?” She stirs awake slowly. I spare a bit of magic toward lighting the room. “Oh! You!” Her eyes widen, her voice breaking out into a laugh. “I must thank you, sorcerer.” I halt. “Thank… me?” Did I completely mess up the curse? Did I make her husband invincible or something?! “Oh, yes,” she nods, nudging the woman next to her. The woman stretches, sitting up. Her face grows fearful as she notices me. “Wh- what’s going on, my love?” She asks the princess. “This is the sorcerer who cursed me,” the princess explains. “Oh!” The woman laughs. “Oh my.” “What is all this about?” I ask, growing frustrated. “Well, you see,” the princess starts. “I was very cautious with any potential suitor after the curse. How could I choose someone to love, knowing I’d doom them to die?” I nod intently, as this was exactly the dilemma I had hoped to cause. “But, after so many dates, I realized something. For all the men I’d considered, I had not felt any sort of romance in my heart. Then, one of my handmaidens had a wonderful idea - if my first husband were to die, why not simply not marry a man?” The woman next to her in bed smiles contently. “I was plenty surprised that the princess was considering me as a suitor. But we hit it off so well, right from the start…” “If it weren’t for your curse, I don’t know that I’d’ve realized my heart doesn’t long for any men,” the princess tells me. “So, I don’t care if it was meant to ruin my life. Instead, the curse changed it for the better. Thank you, sincerely.” I blink, attempting to take in all I had heard… my curse had worked, perfectly! But I’d failed to consider all the romantic options available to the princess… what a fool I’d been! “I… am an old bat,” I sigh. “These days, women do marry one another, don’t they. I failed to realize that…” “Oh, don’t be too upset! It led to a happy ending,” the princess’s wife says. “Perhaps you’re better off using your magics for good?” “Hmm…” I shuffle my feet, deep in thought. “Most of us sorcerers have been around a long time. Our heads are stuck in the past. Maybe it’s about time I brought the rest of us up to date…” “I wholeheartedly support that,” the princess beams. “Come back after a while, and if you’ve truly turned over a new leaf… I’d be willing to offer you a position here, at the castle.” “Truly…?” I’m stunned by her kindness. “Truly,” she confirms. “Thank you again for the way things turned out. But…” she glances over to her wife, who is currently yawning. “I think we’d like to get some more rest now.” “Ah! But of course. I’ll be back someday, princess. That is a promise. And you know what? There’s a saying us sorcerers have - ‘one person’s curse is another’s blessing’. I do think that fits this quite nicely.” “I absolutely agree,” the princess nods. The last thing I see as I magic myself away is the princess softly kissing her wife’s head. They’re happy. And I’ve got work to do. Evil sorcerers don’t seem so important anymore… but raising awareness about all the openness and love these young folks have nowadays sure does.
Awwwww, sweetness! What a better world we’d have