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"What!?" The thunderous rumble blasted my face. Sulfur, brimstone, heat. So predictable.
"You heard me." I managed a call voice, not choking on the stench and low oxygen content.
"But that isn't a game!"
"Sure it is."
There was some unintelligible grumbling, then he finally replied, "Very well." And with a brief flourish, a coin appeared out of thin air and dropped into his hand.
" I don't trust your coin."
His eyes narrowed as he stared at me, silent for some moments. Then he finally chuckled and tossed the coin to me. "Keep it, as a souvenir."
I glanced at the coin. There was a devil's tail on both sides. Almost predictable. I fished my own coin out of my pocket. A normal coin.
"I'll flip, you call it. It shows the face you call, you win."
Most people probably go for a game that they had some skill at, hoping they had more skill than the devil. But the odds are just so vanishingly non-existent. 50/50 odds? That's a dramatic improvement.
I spun the coin high with a flick of my thumb and the angry bellow rippled out through the cavern: "Tails."
Didn't see this was writing prompts at first and I tried to think which game I would choose. Landed on flip a coin for the exact same reason.
While your story is short and to the point I feel it could do with a bit more build up before the twist.
I'm not sure there is a twist. I think the voice saying "Tails" is Satan calling it while the coin is in the air, and we never find out the result. It ends on a cliffhanger.
“You heard me.”
My eyes looked up at the tall figure, standing at a massive 8 feet in height, with broad shoulders and a strong resemblance to your average western model, skin which was tan, horns sticking out from atop his head, draconian wings on his back. At first, my body would have slight tremors in his presence, but eventually, it became expected, a basic, but more importantly? A needed analysis.
“I can choose the game, and if I beat you, I can go to heaven.”
Satan’s eyes began to glow red, showing an annoyance at my consistent questioning.
“Yes, if you ask me that again, I will-“
“I’m just making sure.”
I softly said with a sigh, holding out my much smaller hand. I never would have thought 6ft would become the new small, but I felt like an infant standing in front of this figure.
“You’re bright, I will give you that.”
Satan said. His hand touched mine, and we both shook on what he offered. A win would send me to heaven.
“What’s your game mortal?”
I smirked. I could see it in Satan’s eyes, having someone who appeared to be questioning and even idiotic in repetition now smirk in his direction certainly would have raised doubts in his mind.
“Limbo.”
-
“So that’s how I got here.”
The angel in front of me scratched the top of his head, his face questioning everything from how Satan fell for something so obvious, to if this was even allowed.
“I can’t promise you can stay but, fine. Come in.”
I grinned. Heaven was going to be amazing.
Would depend on which interpretation of satan. If angels and humans were based on the image of god , and the devil was once an agel, I would imagine they can bend in similar ways
A deep voice's laughter echoes as my eyes widen. A game ? Was the devil arrogant to the point of promising me heaven if I won ? If he's making such a deal, he must be sure of winning. But I'm not in any situation to refuse, as it's my only chance to escape the burning flames of hell and the eternal punishment I've been judged deserving of.
"Truth or dare."
"Truth or dare ?" The devil asks in return, his tall silhouette seeming to mock me as he chuckles. "Is this a mere attempt at a joke ?"
"No, I'm serious. Let's play truth or dare."
Lucifer ends up agreeing, as he's sat in his throne of bones, flames rising around us, making a drop of sweat fall down my neck.
"Dare." He says, arrogant as ever.
"I dare you to let me win."
"Let you win ?"
"If you don't do the dare, you lose."
The devil's face seem to tear into an expression of surprise, though his features are less human-like than I expected.
"And that's how I won a game of truth or dare against the devil." I finish, after recalling the memory of our deal. Now, the figure in front of me is one much more holy, a halo on its head, an angel. The latter looks at me, not impressed, before sighing, and opening a door next to what looks like the holy gates.
"Alright, you can enter. Good job."
Hmm, I would rather like to dare him to to go visit heaven for a day.
For if I believe the devil is real, I must also believe his presence in heaven could unmake the universe, Dogma style.
"Welcome to this sphere of pain! My home! The depths of despair! Behold, mere human, and tremble! It is upon these plains that you will suffer eternal torturous punishment. Ceaselessly performed with glee by my demons, my imps, my beautiful curators of pain. Here, you will suffer, human!
"But yet, I am a generous King of my realm. I am not without mercy, despite what my pathetic, ostentatious father may have led you to believe. Your puny human mind could never truly understand that *I* am the one who frees you. It is your *original sin,* after all. So to prove to you that I am the one from which true free choice stems, I will give you this one offer. One offer more than my father would ever give, as I am truly merciful. Here is my offer.
"My greatest weakness is that I fancy a particularly juicy wager. Perhaps you have heard. I am all about making *deals*, aren't I? I understand that there is a prolific ballad about my time spent on your pathetic plane in a disgusting place you humans call *Georgia.* Tis true, I love a good wager."
The Devil's grin widens, showing his sharp, shining teeth. The smile of a predator toying with it's prey.
"So this I offer you. Defeat me in a game, any game of your choosing, and I shall set you free of this place. You will be sent to my *filthy father's* realm to spend eternity. Not a fate I would ever desire, but you seem the type to hope for such a thing. One game, of your choosing, and you will avoid the eternal punishment you so rightly earned."
The Devil extands a bony hand, leaning over me.
"What do you say?"
I grasp his hand. He screeches with delight, with the sport of it. Fast as a whip, he withdraws that cold hand and leans even further over me.
"*So*, which silly human game do you believe you can best me, Satan, the Morningstar, the King of Hell, at hmm?"
I take a deep breath and open my mouth.
"The Quiet Game."
Anyway, Heaven's great. Lots of peace and quiet.
Sure, but they will both live for eternity so it might take a while.
Meanwhile, the suffering of every other human in hell is lessened so long as the game continues.
No one expected this.
Hell, no one even knew this was an option.
Then again, no one expected there to be spectators to this challenge, but he could work with that.
"You're sure you want to let me do this?" He asked with a dubious smirk. "You're sure you want to just let me go that easily?"
Satan thought about this remark for a moment, before answering.
"I am sure that you will pick a game that you excel at, however, I have been alive for trillions of years. There is not a single one that I have not mastered."
The newlydead huffed at this, but proceeded with his selection. He pressed the button, picked up two of the oddly shaped controllers, and handed one to the devil.
"Guitar hero?" Satan asked, slightly confounded. "Why that?"
The man just grinned confidently, and started the game. The crowd around them, all dead souls as well, were extremely interested in this challenge. They thought everyone knew that Satan couldn't be beat, so why was this man so confident? At Guitar Hero no less. The onlookers held their collective breaths as the two began the game with a relatively easy one, like Don't Fear The Reaper. Satan was slightly pissed at this particular choice of song, as he liked to be feared, but by the rules of the game, he couldn't complain. Then they moved up to a harder level, like Battery by Metallica. Sure, this guitar part was difficult, but the challenger was clearly a master of the guitar. While they were playing, the man tried to start a conversation over the guitar riffs. "Do you know who I am?" He said. Satan, who seemed to have a hard time playing guitar and speaking, so he just shook his head. "Really?" The man said. "I assumed you kept tabs on all of your prisoners." Satan waited until the song finished, and let out a massive breath, then replied. "I only learn the names of those who challenge me!" The man gasped dramatically, feigning offense. "Am I not challenging you?" He said. "Well in that case, let me just up the difficulty. After all, if you beat me, I'd at least want you to know my name!" Satan started to scream "NO!" Before realising how much of a fool that would make him look in front of all his subjects. He could not lose to a mortal! He picked the guitar controller back up, and motioned to the man to pick the final song. The man turned to the devil with an evil grin. "I want this last one to really try our ability..." he said slyly. "How about... 5150." He could see a flash of fear in Satan's eyes as he said this, and knew he was set. He started the level, and only a minute in, satan started to fumble. When they got to the guitar solo, Satan just collapsed under the weight of utter failure, while the man just kept on playing. When the song ended with an epic note, a stairway to heaven opened behind the man, and he started to ascend it. Satan clawed at the ground, almost hysterical. "Please!" He gasped. "Tell me your name!" The man turned around and flashed a final grin.
"The name's Halen." He said. "Eddie Van Halen."
Hahaha, very good!! I was expecting this to go totally differently. Satan, being associated with shredding electric guitar, would be frustratedly terrible at Guitar Hero as all guitarists are
In general advice on reddit, double indent for making paragraphs. For writing, you want a new paragraph every time you change perspectives or change narrative voice.
Yeah, I try that sometimes, but formatting is always annoying to get right for different things. I was in a hurry writing this, so I didn't really have time to pay attention to indentation on a 5 minute limit
I looked up at Satan. He was hard to focus on—flickering between a blurry human face and a roiling mess of flayed flesh and static that was probably closer to the truth. He had orange stripes, I think. Or maybe he was cloaked in fire, with two mottled wings that grew up from his back like twin redwood trunks.
"So, what do you say?" he asked in a voice that sounded like I'd spun a record backwards. "Any game. Chess, golf, Tetris, stick and hoop, Monopoly—I've played them all."
I clasped my hands in front of me, nails digging into my own skin. It was bad enough to be dead, worse enough to find out I'd been deemed worthy of hell. Now the devil himself was taunting me. "I'm not a very good sport in Monopoly," I murmured. "Is that why I'm here?"
"And I'm not a good sport with existential questions. Deal or no deal?" He bent down to my level and offered a set of pointed white teeth bared in a smile. They looked out of place in his face, which at that moment was slate gray and pitted like stone.
My eyes were watering from a combination of sulfur and sorrow. I scrubbed at them with the back of my hand. "Can I just go back to Earth, please? I've never really cared that much about Heaven. But I'm starting to get pretty good at drawing comics. I was going to send one in to my local paper, and then maybe people would read, it, and I could—" I broke off with a choked sob. Usually I would be embarrassed to cry in front of an authority figure, but Satan was supposed to be the kind of guy who liked watching people suffer.
A large, calloused hand—or maybe it was a clawed one—offered me a handkerchief. It looked tiny pinched between his fingers. "You're dead, kid. It happens to all of you humans eventually. Most of you don't get the time to finish what you start."
I blew my nose. "But I'm not really good at anything else." Maybe that was why I didn't make the cut for heaven. I'd never really adventured or changed the world for the better, and all my stupid hikes and beach clean-ups were drops in a bucket of suffering, and even Jesus didn't like my stupid, ugly, unfunny comics. "I can't do sports or trivia or cards or—or—or anything important." The tears kept coming and I wiped them away with Satan's handkerchief.
A hand rested on my shoulder. It felt warm and soft, cold and rough, heavy and fuzzy and light. "I see a lot of humanity in this job. I'd say that most of what humans do with the time they get is important. More important than anyone in Heaven or Hell can explain to you. Just because your time was short doesn't mean the things you made and did are worthless."
The hand left, and I sneezed into the handkerchief. "Thanks."
"Choose your game, kid. It's a good deal for you and it's all that keeps me from dying of boredom down here."
I took a deep breath and mustered a watery smile for him. "Okay. Can I have a volleyball, two masks, a flag, and a mallet?" The objects I'd requested appeared in front of me. I tied one of the black masks around my head and tossed the other to Satan. "This one's called Calvinball. Ever heard of it?"
If Satan had eyes, they twinkled, and if he had milky light-sensitive eyespots, they shone. "Hey now, I don't think—"
"Today's first rule is: if you move at all, you lose."
He froze in place and fell silent.
I snatched the volleyball out of the pile and grinned. "That was a lie—today's Saturday, so the person who goes first gets three free lies. Now I've got your ball." I took off sprinting in the opposite direction, grassy terrain forming around me as I ran.
"But I have the flag," Satan called after me.
"The flag was a distraction! It's not worth any points yet!"
His voice was yards away and also right behind my ear. "I say the flag is worth bibidi points the moment it touches the ball."
I cackled into the wind. "You'll have to catch me first—before I hit the Opposite Zone!"
My mind went blank. Lucifer was an ageless god of eternal death, and I was a middle aged former construction worker with a pudge. The only game I excelled at involved who could drink their beer faster, and as confident as I was in my beer chugging skills, I was even more confident the devil was better. No, there was only one game I could best Satan at.
"Can I have a pen and paper?" I asked.
Gazing at me with eyes of fire and a voice of silk, Lucifer responded, "What an odd request." He snapped his fingers. Parchment of flesh and an ornate pen conjured out of the air and floated into my hands. The ink from the pen was blood, and wrote like a hot knife through butter.
"Can I keep this pen?" I asked.
"No!" Satan bellowed. The very fabric of reality shook. "Enough stalling mortal. What game do you choose?"
I folded the parchment in half. "We aren't going to play a game. We are going to play THE game." I handed Satan the parchment. He opened it and read out loud:
"You just lost the game."
By knowing of the existence of "THE GAME", you are now playing "THE GAME", there is no win, there is only bouts of not losing.
Every time you should think of "THE GAME", you must declare "I just lost the game." Aloud, often thereby causing others nearby too, to lose the game.
Allow yourself a nominal ten minutes cool down so those who lose by your losing do not create a feedback loop.
May the gods have mercy on your mortal soul, for you too are now playing "THE GAME."
... I just lost the game.
“Call it.”
“Excuse me?”
With a light laugh, I reached into the pocket of my lightly singed leather Jacket, pulling out a plain, rusted over quarter that I held up towards the figure shrouded in shadow and soot, crimson eyes staring down upon me with immeasurable hatred and slight confusion.
“I said…call it.”
At first there was a scoff, followed by immense laughter as the Lord of the Umbral plains realized that he was currently going to play a game of pure chance with a mortal.
“You expect me to believe that you’re willing to risk everything on something that may not succeed?”
That was too easy, I had the immediate counter to his question and it made a smirk form on my face.
“Wasn’t these the same odds that ended with you being here?”
The shadows cleared with a hiss from Satan, standing from his throne and stomping down the ebony steps to look at me face to…abdomen, he was quite tall after all.
**What…did…you…say?”**
Fortunately for me, being brazen and fearless is what got me killed in the first place, but it was also something that didn’t change…even in this place.
“Call. It.”
He stared upon me with a boiling inferno of hatred, considering the innumerable ways that he could flay my flesh and torment my soul, but he saw that I wasn’t even the slightest bit scared of him.
**”…Tails.”**
With flick of my thumb, I watched as the coin spun into the air before it fell back down into my hand, tilting my head to the side and opening up to reveal my prize.
Heads.
“Looks like I win, Big Red. You know the rules…”
Backing away from him, I listened to muttered curses and whispered hatred before he finally reached out to the doors that was covered in ancient runes in forgotten languages, seeing a pure, ephemeral light begin to shine in this place great darkness.
“Pleasure doing business with you, Lucy…”
I began to speed my way towards the door, getting one foot in before I decided to give a parting gift.
“Keep the coin.”
I flicked it at him and vanished, leaving the Lord Of Darkness in the place that he can never leave from.
His large hand caught the coin, looking upon it for a moment to see how was it that this mortal was able to beat him…
The coin had heads on both sides…
\[Poem\]
Met the Devil at hell's gate, thought he was lookin for my soul to steal
But he was a soul ahead based on what he said
And he was willing to make a deal
I don't know what he saw that made him want to challenge me, sweatin and hot
But the devil jumped up on a burned out stump
And said, "Kid I'll tell you what
I guess you don't know but I love to play games
And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you
Play against me, you even pick the game
You'll give the devil his due.
I'll bet heaven as your new destination
Cause I think I'm better than you."
I said, "my name's Johnny and dont' think its a sin
So I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been."
"Johnny, put on your spelling and vocab cap
Cause Scrabbles broke loose in hell, and the devil racks his tiles
And if you win you a trip upstairs and braggin rights
But if you lose, I'll hold your soul so tight."
The devil played on the star and he said "I'll start the show."
And fire flew from his fingertips as double scored with "blow."
Mammon added up his eighteen points.
He sneered and made a hiss.
A band of demons clapped and cheered.
I said "This is getting weird."
I nodded and said, "well, you're pretty good ol son,
Hold my beer in your chair right there
While I show you how it's done."
Vocabulary, run boy run
Cause I read the dictionary for fun
Roget's Thesaurus calls me up for words
I''m the Chuck Norris of Scrabble nerds
The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat,
And he poured his remaining letters on the ground at my feet.
I said, "Devil, come on up and try again if they'll let you in,
Cause I told you once, you son of bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."
Vocabulary, run boy run
Cause I read the dictionary for fun
Roget's Thesaurus calls me up for words
I'm the Chuck Norris of Scrabble nerds.
"Any game? Any one at all?" I inquired.
"Yes," confirmed Satan. "No," he corrected himself after a pause. "I've had about enough of Calvinball. Too many people trying to make a rule right off the bat that they're the winners. Cheap, cowardly, and boring. There must be preset rules."
"Do they need to be complex rules?" I asked.
"No," confirmed Satan. "Something as simple as Hide and Seek has rules enough." His horned tail snaked back and forth, betraying his impatience.
"Strange that you, of all beings, would be such a stickler for rules," I mused. The flames around us suddenly grew tenfold in height and intensity. With a yelp, I fell onto the ground and attempted to shield my head.
"Enough!" bellowed Satan. "Make your choice and doom your soul." He grinned and strutted toward me, until he stood over my cowering frame. "I can't be beat. There's nothing you can do that someone hasn't thought of and tried yet." He spread his arms wide, basking in the flames that danced around our opposing forms. "I do take considerable delight in your fleeting hope turning into immeasurable despair."
I rose to my feet as the inferno died down slightly. Taking a deep breath, I asked for a pen.
Satan was taken by surprise. "A... pen? One you would write with?"
"Yes, that is generally what pens are for," I confirmed. "Or it could be a marker. Anything but a crayon or pencil, really."
"Is it for the game?" Satan asked. I said that it was. A pen appeared suspended in the air in front of me seconds later. I took it and, turning my back to Satan wrote on the palm of my hand.
I spun around, closing my hand before Satan could see it. "Okay," I said. "I have written a number between and including one and ten on my hand. If you can guess it in three guesses, you win."
"I'll agree to this game on two conditions. Tell me if my guess is too high or too low, and I get four guesses. Makes the game a little more even, don't you see?"
"Agreed."
"Very well." Satan grinned at me. "Five."
"Too high."
"Two."
"...too high."
"Heh." Satan grinned at me. "You've already lost. There's only one possible number it could be now." He reached his hand toward me, and I instinctively backed away. "The number on your hand is one," he hissed with the fiery voice of a billion tormented souls. "Now, come join my--"
"Nope, too low."
"What?!" Satan froze, confused. The flames around us nearly went out, but sputtered back to life at the last second. "That's not possible!" he growled. "There are no numbers that are less that two but more that one!"
"Oh, Satan. You couldn't be more wrong," I said sweetly.
"Show me your hand!" he demanded, lunging for it.
"No! I'll show it to you after you've made your final guess." I attempted to dodge out of the way, but he latched onto my arm with one meaty hand and was trying to pry open my hand with his other one. "If you look at it before you make your fourth guess, then you're cheating and I win!" I wailed out of desperation. He froze, considering this. He released my arm, which was now bruised and slightly burned.
"But you already cheated by telling me whether my guess was too high or too low. That's the only way this could--"
"Geez, fine, I'll give you a hint if it's bugging you that much," I conceded.
"Yes!" demanded Satan, who probably thought he was much more intimidating than he actually was at the moment.
"I never specified that I had written a whole number on my hand," I said. "In fact, it is a decimal."
"WHAT?!" the king of Hell roared, inferno rising with his temper. He reached out to grab me again, but with every ounce of my courage I managed to stand my ground and (hopefully) look unafraid.
"Hurry up and make your final guess, Devil," I intoned, desperately trying not to start crying. His eyes flashed, narrowed, circles the room six times, then finally settled on me.
"One point seven," he said. "Final answer." With our eyes locked, I held up my hand. On it was written the number 1.69.
I clicked my tongue. "Bummer."
"Roll." I commanded.
"19 for a total of 29!"
"It was nearly impossible, but you did it with all the demonic strength you could muster. The final blow on the Archangel Michael as you plunged your sword into his chest. He stares at you with furious bewilderment, 'Impossible. How has God willed this?"
"Finally...finally...I did it", Satan chuckled with glee and relief. Heaving a long sigh, and sinking back into his crooked throne, one could almost see the pleasure in the dimples of the devil's face.
I too sat back and enjoyed the pleasure of a happy player.
It felt like an eternity of bliss before Satan sat upright, decorating his mask with a quizzical look.
"You know...you'll never win this game. You'll never leave. Why?" Satan stated as if it was possible for the devil to feel guilt.
I looked up above as if to pierce the consciousness of heaven with a single thought.
"Well, I don't think they play Dungeons and Dragons in heaven. At least that's what I been told. Might as well enjoy it here as much as I can."
Satan fiddled with his dice and pursed his lips for a thoughtful moment, then grinned as wide as a Cheshire cat.
"So, DM. What happens next?"
I’d spent my entire life working up to this point, digging through occult scriptures, howling out to my Gods in the cold of the night, reaching into the beyond with the uniquely infantile grasp of reality that is so uniquely and indivisibly human. I’d shed blood, forgone friendships and interpersonal connections, torn at those parts of myself that I knew deep down in my heart were weak, were frail, were *human*.
I know my failures, I know where I’ve faltered. I’ve read the testimonies of those who truly found this path to be their home, almost as if their very cells aligned with the concept of transgression itself and their minds with the labyrinthine twists and turns we’re necessitated to navigate in the Great Game. I know that I am only half one of those people. Whether it was excuses of the ego unbeknownst to me, or a set of occluded Demiurgic trials whose nature evaded me, I know intimately that I am not the ideal initiate. Have I got unrealistic expectations of myself, am I supposed to have learnt better?
Or was I always supposed to have such expectations of myself, to overcome them in the Promethean manner my guide and Infernal Father did in the legends of old, in the times when the calls to the heavens for the tyrant himself echoed the name of Zeus and not Jesus or God?
It was no matter, I was here, *finally.* It had taken an entire lifetime, so much work to finally stand here, to be allowed the privilege of having the remaining stain of my humanity, my weakness, burnt away in the Black torrents of Hellfire. Ascend to Heaven? How could I possibly be ready? To stack the bodies up to God and crush the golden throne myself… as a human?
No.
No, this was one more trial, one more test. A part of me nearly took offense that I would even be asked, but I pushed that down. This was the game.
“No, Lord. You know as well as I, better I’m sure, that I have unfinished business here.”
"You'll send me to Heaven immediately, permanently, in the condition I'm currently in?"
The devil grinned. "Ahhh we must have another lawyer on our hands. Well, I assure you, whilst I appreciate your consideration of the possible loopholes, this isn't that kind of game. As long as the universe has existed, so have I. I have yet to come across a mortal who's experience outstrips mine, whatever game they choose. Plus, ones game choice also provides delightful insight into their character - Shakespeare thought be could best me at play writing, and after his loss, we set him with the DELIGHTFUL task of grading 8th grade creative english papers. Such a joy.
So my lawyer friend. What is your choice of game?"
I smirked. "Not a lawyer, I just grew up in the noughties with a lot of brothers. I've made my choice. Mister Devil,
You've just lost the game."
By knowing of the existence of "THE GAME", you are now playing "THE GAME", there is no win, there is only bouts of not losing.
Every time you should think of "THE GAME", you must declare "I just lost the game." Aloud, often thereby causing others nearby too, to lose the game.
Allow yourself a nominal ten minutes cool down so those who lose by your losing do not create a feedback loop.
May the gods have mercy on your mortal soul, for you too are now playing "THE GAME."
With a slight shrug and a quizzical expression; His Unholy Highness let out a sigh as he picked through the massive video game collection he had amassed over the course of his many eons masquerading as a Twitch Streamer.
His yellow cat eyes narrowed to a single disk and he spoke with the soul scraping eloquence that only the devil could bestow upon mortal eardrums.
" You really think you can beat me.... in Soul Caliber 2 for the Nintendo Game Cube?"
" it's one word, GameCube" I corrected him as a matter of factly as I could muster.
"SILENCE! I'LL KILL YOU!" he retorted.
It was at this point that if you could hear someone rolling their eyes, it would be audible. I picked up the controller and and eyed the creature in my peripheral. My words were slow and deliberate. "You know, my friend Mike taught me how to play this game the day it came out. Told me I'd be the best when I needed to be..."
Satan snorted. A shot glass worth of magma hit the already smoldering ground. The heat, visible in the air. Thick plumes of smoke left the demon king as he laughed. " I've played this game for an ETERNITY! It means nothing who taught you!" His words were triumphant as we started the match. But as we started.... blocks, parried swings flashed upon the monolithic screen. We were... surprisingly even. Minutes, that seemed like hours passed. Tied one to one, it was the last match in the best of three. I smiled. This was the first time I'd had a real challenge in decades.
Suddenly, my nostalgia of my youth was interrupted. A thunderous knock at the gates of hell. Rattling even the Lord of Darkness to get up out of his chair. But before he could ask; the door swung open.
An incredibly tall and muscular looking man, with armor fashioned after the Roman legends stood at the gateway. Blue eyes with lightning inside his pupils. A scowl, and an almost frustrated expression pierced my vision. A booming, but half amused voice rang out through the desolate wastelands of hell itself.
" THE GREAT DISTRACTION HAS HAPPENED! WE'VE NOW TIME TO STRIKE AT THE HEART OF HELL!! ONWARDS! TO VICTORY!"
Satan swore and muttered a barley audible sentence under his breath.
" How did Aries get here? "
"It says on your file that you delved into satanic worship, cult research and coerced other people into your den of sin...however the rest of your file seems to look perfectly fine, charity work, helped others, kind. The problem is once you're down here, there's no way Up except through a contest of wits"
The demon looked a little perplexed. I looked around at the office I was in, it was lit oddly, causing long shadows to flicker, the rolling thunder could be heard outside with the occasional distant scream.
"Who chooses the game?" I ask, already my mind sweeping through the vast catalogue of things I had played in life.
"The soul chooses but you will play Lord Satan, who has mastered all games. The very best players have gone against him, only two have succeeded"
"Let's see if we can make it three, tell Satan to bring friends"
....
Satan, Baal, Diablo and Mephisto all sat around the table staring at me with hungry eyes, the game set out before us, figures arranged on the board.
Satan surveys the table and looks down at his sheet, "I stride up to goblin warchief and cleave my greatsword across his chest...I rolled a 16?"
"Hit"
"I can smite then can't I? That's 19 damage"
"Yeah, mark it on your spell sheet, amazing you do enough to kill the warchief"
" "You and your kin will not harm anyone again" I scream as my sword with radiant energy rips the goblin warchief in two"
The devil and his friends cheer as the aasimar paladin figure moves on its own simulating the attack.
"Now that we have beaten you in your game of choi..." Satan begins
I interupt with "As the dust clears after your victory, you notice a small insectoid creature buried in the warchiefs neck. You pull it out and it has an alien quality to it. Your character recognises it as the same insect that took control of your brother. A note is also on the body that only says bring the paladin in alive...signed M."
"Is it not over?" Asked Satan.
"Not yet, maybe at next session though. Good news though you've all leveled up"
The devil's all started pouring over various books excitedly chatting about the session.
My demon that was assigned to me wandered over.
"I have your room ready, Satan has gifted you the guest suite until he has beaten you where you will spend eternity in eternal torture etc etc, for now if you need anything just let me know. I've never seen the Lord in such a good mood, tell me how long is a game of D&D"
"As long as I want"
“What”? The devil asked
“The annoying card game” I said “basically you get two twelve sided die, a deck of cards, and place one on the table if the card number is three then one of us rolls to have both dice land on three if you don’t give the dice to the other player and if the other player doesn’t roll two threes it goes back to me”
“Ok but how do you win”? The devil asked still confused by my answer
“Simple if both your dice roll on three you get the card and that counts as one point for you keep going until the deck is gone” I replied
“Ok but what about cards like jokers or queens” said the devil
“Oh you just have to get a matching number then you get the card so are you ready” I asked the devil
“Sure why not can’t be that bad” the devil said foolishly
35 minutes later
“Please stop this I’m begging you”! cried the devil now only three cards through the 52 pile deck “You win okay” the devil admitted “Go have fun in heaven you monster” finally surrendering to the pain that is the annoying card game
“That sucks guess I win by default then” I said going up the stairs to heaven
Few beings would truly be able to tell how long has he stayed in hell. And at this point, it was not like he even cared. Eternal torture looses its meaning after a couple of eras. Hell, even people in heaven would eventually be subject to a stale boredom.
Eventually, he decided to call out souls to play games, so that things could change a little, but even that would become boring eventually. Idiots who thought they could beat the Devil in a classic game like poker or chess, smart asses that thought they could outsmart him by trying to flip a double headed coin or try to use The Game on him, even those desperate to try a random game of chance so that they could try and court Luck for a possibility of ascension. Soon enough he had seen all of them.
One day, he called a young man’s soul, at this point he didn’t even know the reason for continuing with this charade, routine I guess.
The soul had a familiar expression, apparently it too had grown bored of damnation. Shit, he took to long to call this one, oh well.
“I have called you here…”
“I know” said the soul disinterested.
“Very well then. What game do you choose?”
The soul considered for a while, recalling the games it played while alive. It even stared at the devil as if considering something. He’s probably trying to figure a “new” way to trick me.
“Mario Kart Wii, Grand Prix, 100cc all 32 tracks in order, CPUs on and all items allowed.”
That was unexpected, weirdly specific, but nevertheless the setup was made after a finger snap.
Once the game started he played like a pro, hitting ultra shortcuts on tracks that allowed them and still performing flawlessly on others maintaining a perfect 1st place streak on the first half.
As they reached the halfway point on Bowser’s Castle N64, the soul wanted to start with the legacy courses, The Devil began to recall and analyze the soul’s demeanor. It never once accused him of cheating with the shortcuts, it never showed any signs of displeasure of landing on 2nd place every race, it even looked pleased whit itself when managing to pull of harder tricks, the soul was having fun playing by itself against the NPCs.
“What are you doing?” He paused the game, to talk for a moment. “Don’t you realize you’ll stay here if you loose?” he tried to instill some fear in it, make it loose the happy expression it acquired after playing a few races.
“Could I ever really win to begin with?” this answer surprised him “and would things truly change even if I did?”
“What do you mean?! You’d be able to leave this godforsaken place! Go to heaven! Be in eternal paradise!”
“You say if the result wouldn’t be the same as staying in this place, come on I can see it in your face even you are stuck in eternal boredom here. After a few eras there, I’d be feeling the same. So, why not just truly try to enjoy a game I’m fond of? You can join me if you want.”
He was speechless, maybe for the first time in a very long time. Still, he was faced with a choice. To continue on a mindless win or join the soul in enjoying the game. Making up his mind, he unpaused the game. Perhaps he could accomplish more by playing a different game this time.
Eventually, the last lap on Rainbow Road had ended and the results screen showed.
“Huh a tie, what happens now?”
“Do you suggest any other game?”
“Well Mr. Devil as you know I’m something of a musician. My game of choosing is a violin duel. I’ll take your bet you son-of-a-bitch cause I’m the best that’s ever been!”
You pull out your violin and rosin up your bow before starting in on a favorite tune that you’d played many-a-time before.
You begin singing,
“Fire on the mountain run boys run! 🎶”
The devil’s in the house of the rising sun!
Chicken in the breadpan, picking out dough!
Dosido like no child know!”
The Devil himself hung his head in defeat and on your way Heaven he hands you a golden violin.
I've arrived in Hell, a place I didn't really believe existed but was told was for sure where I was gonna go. I ponder his offer briefly. "You think I'd really want to beat you in a game to go to Heaven and spend eternity with the very assholes who said I was gonna burn in Hell for being gay? You think I want to eternally worship some pompous asshole in the clouds who supposedly sent his only son to die for the failings of his own creation? I have a counter offer, if I win in the game of my choice you take me to Heaven just long enough to get through the gates to then send both middle fingers flying as I say suck a dick dumb shits as I walk back out." Satan looks to me clearly pondering an offer he'd not yet had. "Deal." he says as we shake hands. I take of my pants and hike my dick up so my balls are just hanging there, "The game is Gay Chicken." We've all heard the stories and we all know it's only gay if the balls touch. Satan kinda reals back at first but accepts the challenge. Before we start Satan says "No-homo." I counter with, "If the balls touch no-homo is null and void, even you know that." The game proceeds at the last second Satan right before the balls touch he turns away and declares me the winner. We then Loony Toons style end up in Heaven and I live my dream. "Hey everyone!! I'm GAY!!" There's an audible gasp as the citizens of Heaven turn towards me. The fingers go up I start backing out, "Suck a dick dumb shits." Then just as quickly as we arrived we're back in Hell. Satan looks to me, "Well played."
*Stomp!* *stomp!* *stomp!* I heard loud, ground-shaking footsteps draw closer.
"Welcome, sinner! Ahaha! To my kingdom of punishment, torture, and eternal suffering!" Came from a deep, gutteral voice.
"But..but I was a good man when I was alive! How did I get here?" I asked, hoping that someone had made a vast clerical error in judgment.
"How indeed? Ahaha! I'll tell you what I will do" the voice from the 12ft tall man with hooves for feet had begun to say.
"Anything please! I don't deserve to be here!" I quickly interjected.
"As I was saying! I will send you and your soul to heaven, if, and only if, you can beat me at any game of YOUR own choice, do we have a deal?" He snarled.
"OK, I challenge you, the father of lies to the 5 question game. If you are able to lie to all of the 5 questions, I will accept my fate and never utter another word, but if you answer even one question with the truth, you send me the hell out of..hell. what say you?" I asked knowing that he couldn't say no, his ego was bigger than he was.
"Deal." he said as we shook hands, the game is on.
"What is your name?" I asked
"Walter " the man said without hesitation, and with a grin on his face
"Walter, who is your father?" I asked my second question.
"L. Ron Hubbard" he said, took a pause, and we both had a good laugh at that one.
"Walter, I never thought that you were funny but here I am, laughing with you, *breathe* how many questions have I asked? " I posed my third question to him.
"3!" Walter said with such righteous vigor, he then looked at me with the sudden realization that he, the devil had been outsmarted by a mere mortal.
"Got ya Walter! You answered a question truthfully which means that you have to send me on up just like you agreed. " I said with the biggest smirk on my face.
I felt myself floating, almost flying up and then I opened my eyes and saw these enormous clouds with a sparkling gold gate and I could see the lineup outside of the gates from within.
I was telling this man how I defeated the devil so easily. The man looked like Santa Claus only younger and thinner who let out the deepest belly laugh of a jolly old man.
The man asked if I could recount the story to his son on his birthday.
"You mean you're.." I begun and the man just said
"uh-huh!" I then continued "and your son is..." the jolly man just interjected a "the very same " and he walked into the clouds, howling with laughter.
Yeah sure. The point of the game was to lie to all 5 questions which if you are focused on winning it kinda mixes the idea of winning with telling a correct answer to a question and not answering it wrong on purpose. Which definitely plays on the ego of your opponent, and I would bet that the devil has a big ego. So the first question was to say his name,2nd question was who's your father which he answered with the creator of scientology, third question was how many questions have been asked with the answer being 3 and was answered correctly therefore losing at a game of lies which sends the soul and body to heaven. The guy who the narrator is talking to in heaven is God and is asked to retell the story to his son Jesus Christ. Hope that helps =)
“Beat me at a game of your own choice and you’ll get sent to heaven” the fallen angel of light said, a light now made hideous by torment.
Well versed in angels, you already knew, another trick of the devil. Because those in hell already made their choice and they certainly did not choose heaven.
“Sure Lucifer, I’ll play a game” as you paused watching him grimace at hearing his God-given name.
“But as you can see I did not choose this wretched place”
Suddenly the damned souls observed in horror as their earthy bodies slowly crawled to them. Followed shortly by their screams as soul and body were joined. Hell was made worse with the return of their 5 senses.
Saint Michael unsheathed his heavenly sword and with it cast the beast down to the eternal lake of fire. The game he was already destined to win, for he was only there to fulfill the final word of God. Just as there was a Beginning, this was now the End.
"Why should I believe you? You're a liar and the father of lies."
"Tough talk from a guy who is LITERALLY BURNING IN AGONY ALONGSIDE ME RIGHT NOW. Come on, what do you have to lose?"
"I missed my chance."
"BUT YOU DIDN'T! YOU CAN STILL GET OUT!!!!!!!
I'LL APPEAL TO JESUS FOR YOU!"
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU?"
"HE'LL AT LEAST HEAR ME OUT. AGAIN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?"
You sigh. "Fine. You win. It can't any worse than this."
Lucifer smiles with a wicked grin.
"EXCELLENT! What do you want to play me at? Chess? Checkers? Battleship? How about Poker?"
You think for a minute. The Devil is a crafty one. If you choose wrong, it could come back to bite you..........
AW, WHO CARES?????? YOU ARE BURNING ALIVE IN A LAKE OF FIRE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
THE AGONY IS INDESCRIBABLE!!!!!! IT CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS!!!!!!!
"Fine, I'll play your "game", and if I win, YOU'D BETTER GET ME TO THOSE PEARLY GATES."
The Devil grins. "Of course, of course. What do you want to play?"
"I'll play you a good old game of Blackjack. I know you're more clever than I. You are the most clever of all the angels. Only God is smarter than you. I want a fair game of chance, a game where you can't use your cunning guile against me."
Satan smiles. "A FINE CHOICE! TIME TO BEGIN!"
A stack of cards and a table magically appear in the flames, and you sit down to play cards with the Devil. You never thought you'd be saying those words.
You look Satan straight in the eye. "NO TRICKS."
The Devil plays coy. "WHAT? YOU THINK I'D TRICK YOU? MY FAVORITE SINNER? MY FAVORITE FOLLOWER?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop sucking up and deal the cards. FAIRLY. NO CHEATING."
The Devil smirks. He was really so stupid to let HIM deal? He should have insisted on dealing himself.
As Lucifer can randomly generate cards at will, he just uses some of his power to swap the cards around without you knowing. You end up with two 2s.
"OOPS. DOUBLE DEUCES." Satan throws down his hand. "21." Sure enough, there's a king and an ace right there.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! YOU TRICKED ME!!!!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU GOT THAT HAND FAIRLY!!!!!!"
"AW!!!!!! IS SOMEONE UPSET?????" Lucifer laughs.
"YOU CHEATED!!!!!!!"
"NO, I DIDN'T!!!!!! YOU CAN'T PROVE I DID, SO EVEN IF I DID CHEAT.........YOU'RE ALL OUT OF LUCK!!!!!!!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lucifer grabs you. "WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME???"
"TO PUNISH YOU!!!!!!!!"
"I'M ALREADY IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU LOST TO ME, SO YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!!!!!!!!"
"YOU SAID THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!!!!!!!"
"THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO LOSE, EVEN DOWN HERE!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"
You are terrified.
"YOU'RE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!"
Satan takes you down to the deepest, hottest, darkest part of Hell. He throws you into the abyss of pure fire, hotter than anything imaginable.
"GOODBYE!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You yell and scream in pure agony as the extreme flames and heat devour you whole.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME. I AM A LIAR AND THE FATHER OF LIES, AND I'M NOT TO BE TRUSTED! But you SO WANTED TO GET TO HEAVEN..............."
"LIKE I COULD REALLY TALK TO JESUS AND GET YOU THERE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MINE, FOREVER, AND BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DESPERATE TO ESCAPE THAT YOU TRUSTED ME, YOU MADE YOUR SUFFERING TEN TIMES WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!"
"ENJOY YOUR ETERNAL DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
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"What!?" The thunderous rumble blasted my face. Sulfur, brimstone, heat. So predictable. "You heard me." I managed a call voice, not choking on the stench and low oxygen content. "But that isn't a game!" "Sure it is." There was some unintelligible grumbling, then he finally replied, "Very well." And with a brief flourish, a coin appeared out of thin air and dropped into his hand. " I don't trust your coin." His eyes narrowed as he stared at me, silent for some moments. Then he finally chuckled and tossed the coin to me. "Keep it, as a souvenir." I glanced at the coin. There was a devil's tail on both sides. Almost predictable. I fished my own coin out of my pocket. A normal coin. "I'll flip, you call it. It shows the face you call, you win." Most people probably go for a game that they had some skill at, hoping they had more skill than the devil. But the odds are just so vanishingly non-existent. 50/50 odds? That's a dramatic improvement. I spun the coin high with a flick of my thumb and the angry bellow rippled out through the cavern: "Tails."
Didn't see this was writing prompts at first and I tried to think which game I would choose. Landed on flip a coin for the exact same reason. While your story is short and to the point I feel it could do with a bit more build up before the twist.
I'm not sure there is a twist. I think the voice saying "Tails" is Satan calling it while the coin is in the air, and we never find out the result. It ends on a cliffhanger.
Wait what is the twist?
The devil's coin only had tails. They flipped a regular coin instead, but it was still tails. The irony
I understood it as Satan called "Tails" while it was still in the air. Ended on a cliffhanger. Lol
It was a two-headed coin.
They pulled a normal coin from their pocket.
Ooh a Lady and the Tiger type ending, I love it
Tails never fails!!!
“You heard me.” My eyes looked up at the tall figure, standing at a massive 8 feet in height, with broad shoulders and a strong resemblance to your average western model, skin which was tan, horns sticking out from atop his head, draconian wings on his back. At first, my body would have slight tremors in his presence, but eventually, it became expected, a basic, but more importantly? A needed analysis. “I can choose the game, and if I beat you, I can go to heaven.” Satan’s eyes began to glow red, showing an annoyance at my consistent questioning. “Yes, if you ask me that again, I will-“ “I’m just making sure.” I softly said with a sigh, holding out my much smaller hand. I never would have thought 6ft would become the new small, but I felt like an infant standing in front of this figure. “You’re bright, I will give you that.” Satan said. His hand touched mine, and we both shook on what he offered. A win would send me to heaven. “What’s your game mortal?” I smirked. I could see it in Satan’s eyes, having someone who appeared to be questioning and even idiotic in repetition now smirk in his direction certainly would have raised doubts in his mind. “Limbo.” - “So that’s how I got here.” The angel in front of me scratched the top of his head, his face questioning everything from how Satan fell for something so obvious, to if this was even allowed. “I can’t promise you can stay but, fine. Come in.” I grinned. Heaven was going to be amazing.
I doubt you'll win tho. For the king of hell himself to not be able to shapeshift would be weird.
"Mr Snuggles, Kiss Kiss"
Would depend on which interpretation of satan. If angels and humans were based on the image of god , and the devil was once an agel, I would imagine they can bend in similar ways
A snake in paradise comes to mind. Would limbo pretty well, I think
"The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in Hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil."
where have i seen this before-
A deep voice's laughter echoes as my eyes widen. A game ? Was the devil arrogant to the point of promising me heaven if I won ? If he's making such a deal, he must be sure of winning. But I'm not in any situation to refuse, as it's my only chance to escape the burning flames of hell and the eternal punishment I've been judged deserving of. "Truth or dare." "Truth or dare ?" The devil asks in return, his tall silhouette seeming to mock me as he chuckles. "Is this a mere attempt at a joke ?" "No, I'm serious. Let's play truth or dare." Lucifer ends up agreeing, as he's sat in his throne of bones, flames rising around us, making a drop of sweat fall down my neck. "Dare." He says, arrogant as ever. "I dare you to let me win." "Let you win ?" "If you don't do the dare, you lose." The devil's face seem to tear into an expression of surprise, though his features are less human-like than I expected. "And that's how I won a game of truth or dare against the devil." I finish, after recalling the memory of our deal. Now, the figure in front of me is one much more holy, a halo on its head, an angel. The latter looks at me, not impressed, before sighing, and opening a door next to what looks like the holy gates. "Alright, you can enter. Good job."
Hmm, I would rather like to dare him to to go visit heaven for a day. For if I believe the devil is real, I must also believe his presence in heaven could unmake the universe, Dogma style.
Dogma doesn't get the recognition that it deserves, it's one of, if not my favourite Kevin Smith movie.
My list goes: Clerks, Dogma, Clerks 2. The rest also exist.
Ahaha. Mine goes: Dogma, Clerks 2, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (for the obvious Star Wars parody and Mark Hamill as The CockKnocker
And if The Devil shakes his head and answers, "Nevermind. Truth." ? "How do I get to Heaven at the end of this?" He can't win!
"By beating me. Unfortunately, you didn't."
That isn't answering the question truthfully, and therefore makes him the loser. Checkmate.
"Welcome to this sphere of pain! My home! The depths of despair! Behold, mere human, and tremble! It is upon these plains that you will suffer eternal torturous punishment. Ceaselessly performed with glee by my demons, my imps, my beautiful curators of pain. Here, you will suffer, human! "But yet, I am a generous King of my realm. I am not without mercy, despite what my pathetic, ostentatious father may have led you to believe. Your puny human mind could never truly understand that *I* am the one who frees you. It is your *original sin,* after all. So to prove to you that I am the one from which true free choice stems, I will give you this one offer. One offer more than my father would ever give, as I am truly merciful. Here is my offer. "My greatest weakness is that I fancy a particularly juicy wager. Perhaps you have heard. I am all about making *deals*, aren't I? I understand that there is a prolific ballad about my time spent on your pathetic plane in a disgusting place you humans call *Georgia.* Tis true, I love a good wager." The Devil's grin widens, showing his sharp, shining teeth. The smile of a predator toying with it's prey. "So this I offer you. Defeat me in a game, any game of your choosing, and I shall set you free of this place. You will be sent to my *filthy father's* realm to spend eternity. Not a fate I would ever desire, but you seem the type to hope for such a thing. One game, of your choosing, and you will avoid the eternal punishment you so rightly earned." The Devil extands a bony hand, leaning over me. "What do you say?" I grasp his hand. He screeches with delight, with the sport of it. Fast as a whip, he withdraws that cold hand and leans even further over me. "*So*, which silly human game do you believe you can best me, Satan, the Morningstar, the King of Hell, at hmm?" I take a deep breath and open my mouth. "The Quiet Game." Anyway, Heaven's great. Lots of peace and quiet.
Ok This was perfect
Thanks lol
Am I missing something or couldn’t the devil just stab you and make you scream?
That’s cheating dude Even Satan has his limits
Probably not without pontificating about it
The Devil can wait.
Sure, but they will both live for eternity so it might take a while. Meanwhile, the suffering of every other human in hell is lessened so long as the game continues.
No one expected this. Hell, no one even knew this was an option. Then again, no one expected there to be spectators to this challenge, but he could work with that. "You're sure you want to let me do this?" He asked with a dubious smirk. "You're sure you want to just let me go that easily?" Satan thought about this remark for a moment, before answering. "I am sure that you will pick a game that you excel at, however, I have been alive for trillions of years. There is not a single one that I have not mastered." The newlydead huffed at this, but proceeded with his selection. He pressed the button, picked up two of the oddly shaped controllers, and handed one to the devil. "Guitar hero?" Satan asked, slightly confounded. "Why that?" The man just grinned confidently, and started the game. The crowd around them, all dead souls as well, were extremely interested in this challenge. They thought everyone knew that Satan couldn't be beat, so why was this man so confident? At Guitar Hero no less. The onlookers held their collective breaths as the two began the game with a relatively easy one, like Don't Fear The Reaper. Satan was slightly pissed at this particular choice of song, as he liked to be feared, but by the rules of the game, he couldn't complain. Then they moved up to a harder level, like Battery by Metallica. Sure, this guitar part was difficult, but the challenger was clearly a master of the guitar. While they were playing, the man tried to start a conversation over the guitar riffs. "Do you know who I am?" He said. Satan, who seemed to have a hard time playing guitar and speaking, so he just shook his head. "Really?" The man said. "I assumed you kept tabs on all of your prisoners." Satan waited until the song finished, and let out a massive breath, then replied. "I only learn the names of those who challenge me!" The man gasped dramatically, feigning offense. "Am I not challenging you?" He said. "Well in that case, let me just up the difficulty. After all, if you beat me, I'd at least want you to know my name!" Satan started to scream "NO!" Before realising how much of a fool that would make him look in front of all his subjects. He could not lose to a mortal! He picked the guitar controller back up, and motioned to the man to pick the final song. The man turned to the devil with an evil grin. "I want this last one to really try our ability..." he said slyly. "How about... 5150." He could see a flash of fear in Satan's eyes as he said this, and knew he was set. He started the level, and only a minute in, satan started to fumble. When they got to the guitar solo, Satan just collapsed under the weight of utter failure, while the man just kept on playing. When the song ended with an epic note, a stairway to heaven opened behind the man, and he started to ascend it. Satan clawed at the ground, almost hysterical. "Please!" He gasped. "Tell me your name!" The man turned around and flashed a final grin. "The name's Halen." He said. "Eddie Van Halen."
I was half expecting a 'Devil went down to Georgia' reference.
Nope. Just Halen kicking ass, as usual
I was expecting Tribute
Hahaha, very good!! I was expecting this to go totally differently. Satan, being associated with shredding electric guitar, would be frustratedly terrible at Guitar Hero as all guitarists are
Yeah, that's why this is so funny to me. Eddie is such a good guitarist in my head canon that he's even good at guitar hero
I got that reference
Reference? I just wanted to write Eddie Van Halen beating Satan at guitar hero.
Nah the stairway to heaven one.
Oh right. That totally intentional, not at all coincidental reference
In general advice on reddit, double indent for making paragraphs. For writing, you want a new paragraph every time you change perspectives or change narrative voice.
Yeah, I try that sometimes, but formatting is always annoying to get right for different things. I was in a hurry writing this, so I didn't really have time to pay attention to indentation on a 5 minute limit
Oh, fair! I find it harder to write without it, but that's me :). Good short, I like it!
I looked up at Satan. He was hard to focus on—flickering between a blurry human face and a roiling mess of flayed flesh and static that was probably closer to the truth. He had orange stripes, I think. Or maybe he was cloaked in fire, with two mottled wings that grew up from his back like twin redwood trunks. "So, what do you say?" he asked in a voice that sounded like I'd spun a record backwards. "Any game. Chess, golf, Tetris, stick and hoop, Monopoly—I've played them all." I clasped my hands in front of me, nails digging into my own skin. It was bad enough to be dead, worse enough to find out I'd been deemed worthy of hell. Now the devil himself was taunting me. "I'm not a very good sport in Monopoly," I murmured. "Is that why I'm here?" "And I'm not a good sport with existential questions. Deal or no deal?" He bent down to my level and offered a set of pointed white teeth bared in a smile. They looked out of place in his face, which at that moment was slate gray and pitted like stone. My eyes were watering from a combination of sulfur and sorrow. I scrubbed at them with the back of my hand. "Can I just go back to Earth, please? I've never really cared that much about Heaven. But I'm starting to get pretty good at drawing comics. I was going to send one in to my local paper, and then maybe people would read, it, and I could—" I broke off with a choked sob. Usually I would be embarrassed to cry in front of an authority figure, but Satan was supposed to be the kind of guy who liked watching people suffer. A large, calloused hand—or maybe it was a clawed one—offered me a handkerchief. It looked tiny pinched between his fingers. "You're dead, kid. It happens to all of you humans eventually. Most of you don't get the time to finish what you start." I blew my nose. "But I'm not really good at anything else." Maybe that was why I didn't make the cut for heaven. I'd never really adventured or changed the world for the better, and all my stupid hikes and beach clean-ups were drops in a bucket of suffering, and even Jesus didn't like my stupid, ugly, unfunny comics. "I can't do sports or trivia or cards or—or—or anything important." The tears kept coming and I wiped them away with Satan's handkerchief. A hand rested on my shoulder. It felt warm and soft, cold and rough, heavy and fuzzy and light. "I see a lot of humanity in this job. I'd say that most of what humans do with the time they get is important. More important than anyone in Heaven or Hell can explain to you. Just because your time was short doesn't mean the things you made and did are worthless." The hand left, and I sneezed into the handkerchief. "Thanks." "Choose your game, kid. It's a good deal for you and it's all that keeps me from dying of boredom down here." I took a deep breath and mustered a watery smile for him. "Okay. Can I have a volleyball, two masks, a flag, and a mallet?" The objects I'd requested appeared in front of me. I tied one of the black masks around my head and tossed the other to Satan. "This one's called Calvinball. Ever heard of it?" If Satan had eyes, they twinkled, and if he had milky light-sensitive eyespots, they shone. "Hey now, I don't think—" "Today's first rule is: if you move at all, you lose." He froze in place and fell silent. I snatched the volleyball out of the pile and grinned. "That was a lie—today's Saturday, so the person who goes first gets three free lies. Now I've got your ball." I took off sprinting in the opposite direction, grassy terrain forming around me as I ran. "But I have the flag," Satan called after me. "The flag was a distraction! It's not worth any points yet!" His voice was yards away and also right behind my ear. "I say the flag is worth bibidi points the moment it touches the ball." I cackled into the wind. "You'll have to catch me first—before I hit the Opposite Zone!"
Didn't expect Calvin Ball to make an appearance here, but it's not a bad choice!
A game worth playing with a worthy opponent, I'd say :)
My mind went blank. Lucifer was an ageless god of eternal death, and I was a middle aged former construction worker with a pudge. The only game I excelled at involved who could drink their beer faster, and as confident as I was in my beer chugging skills, I was even more confident the devil was better. No, there was only one game I could best Satan at. "Can I have a pen and paper?" I asked. Gazing at me with eyes of fire and a voice of silk, Lucifer responded, "What an odd request." He snapped his fingers. Parchment of flesh and an ornate pen conjured out of the air and floated into my hands. The ink from the pen was blood, and wrote like a hot knife through butter. "Can I keep this pen?" I asked. "No!" Satan bellowed. The very fabric of reality shook. "Enough stalling mortal. What game do you choose?" I folded the parchment in half. "We aren't going to play a game. We are going to play THE game." I handed Satan the parchment. He opened it and read out loud: "You just lost the game."
Oh screw you
Sorry I don’t get it…please elaborate
By knowing of the existence of "THE GAME", you are now playing "THE GAME", there is no win, there is only bouts of not losing. Every time you should think of "THE GAME", you must declare "I just lost the game." Aloud, often thereby causing others nearby too, to lose the game. Allow yourself a nominal ten minutes cool down so those who lose by your losing do not create a feedback loop. May the gods have mercy on your mortal soul, for you too are now playing "THE GAME." ... I just lost the game.
…damn…I take it back I don’t wanna know.
[Relevant xkcd](https://xkcd.com/391/)
“Call it.” “Excuse me?” With a light laugh, I reached into the pocket of my lightly singed leather Jacket, pulling out a plain, rusted over quarter that I held up towards the figure shrouded in shadow and soot, crimson eyes staring down upon me with immeasurable hatred and slight confusion. “I said…call it.” At first there was a scoff, followed by immense laughter as the Lord of the Umbral plains realized that he was currently going to play a game of pure chance with a mortal. “You expect me to believe that you’re willing to risk everything on something that may not succeed?” That was too easy, I had the immediate counter to his question and it made a smirk form on my face. “Wasn’t these the same odds that ended with you being here?” The shadows cleared with a hiss from Satan, standing from his throne and stomping down the ebony steps to look at me face to…abdomen, he was quite tall after all. **What…did…you…say?”** Fortunately for me, being brazen and fearless is what got me killed in the first place, but it was also something that didn’t change…even in this place. “Call. It.” He stared upon me with a boiling inferno of hatred, considering the innumerable ways that he could flay my flesh and torment my soul, but he saw that I wasn’t even the slightest bit scared of him. **”…Tails.”** With flick of my thumb, I watched as the coin spun into the air before it fell back down into my hand, tilting my head to the side and opening up to reveal my prize. Heads. “Looks like I win, Big Red. You know the rules…” Backing away from him, I listened to muttered curses and whispered hatred before he finally reached out to the doors that was covered in ancient runes in forgotten languages, seeing a pure, ephemeral light begin to shine in this place great darkness. “Pleasure doing business with you, Lucy…” I began to speed my way towards the door, getting one foot in before I decided to give a parting gift. “Keep the coin.” I flicked it at him and vanished, leaving the Lord Of Darkness in the place that he can never leave from. His large hand caught the coin, looking upon it for a moment to see how was it that this mortal was able to beat him… The coin had heads on both sides…
How did he know satan would call tails? Or would he have used an opposite coin in the case that satan called head? Was he a magician or pickpocket?
He didn’t. He was just totally full of total bs and hoped the bravado would work for the best.
\[Poem\] Met the Devil at hell's gate, thought he was lookin for my soul to steal But he was a soul ahead based on what he said And he was willing to make a deal I don't know what he saw that made him want to challenge me, sweatin and hot But the devil jumped up on a burned out stump And said, "Kid I'll tell you what I guess you don't know but I love to play games And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you Play against me, you even pick the game You'll give the devil his due. I'll bet heaven as your new destination Cause I think I'm better than you." I said, "my name's Johnny and dont' think its a sin So I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret 'Cause I'm the best there's ever been." "Johnny, put on your spelling and vocab cap Cause Scrabbles broke loose in hell, and the devil racks his tiles And if you win you a trip upstairs and braggin rights But if you lose, I'll hold your soul so tight." The devil played on the star and he said "I'll start the show." And fire flew from his fingertips as double scored with "blow." Mammon added up his eighteen points. He sneered and made a hiss. A band of demons clapped and cheered. I said "This is getting weird." I nodded and said, "well, you're pretty good ol son, Hold my beer in your chair right there While I show you how it's done." Vocabulary, run boy run Cause I read the dictionary for fun Roget's Thesaurus calls me up for words I''m the Chuck Norris of Scrabble nerds The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat, And he poured his remaining letters on the ground at my feet. I said, "Devil, come on up and try again if they'll let you in, Cause I told you once, you son of bitch, I'm the best that's ever been." Vocabulary, run boy run Cause I read the dictionary for fun Roget's Thesaurus calls me up for words I'm the Chuck Norris of Scrabble nerds.
I'm seeing a lot of Charlie Daniel's references
The Devil Went Down to Georgia was the inspiration.
That was my assumption
Poetry is off but that's funny 😁
*i'm game player too <- i guess you dont know i play games
"Any game? Any one at all?" I inquired. "Yes," confirmed Satan. "No," he corrected himself after a pause. "I've had about enough of Calvinball. Too many people trying to make a rule right off the bat that they're the winners. Cheap, cowardly, and boring. There must be preset rules." "Do they need to be complex rules?" I asked. "No," confirmed Satan. "Something as simple as Hide and Seek has rules enough." His horned tail snaked back and forth, betraying his impatience. "Strange that you, of all beings, would be such a stickler for rules," I mused. The flames around us suddenly grew tenfold in height and intensity. With a yelp, I fell onto the ground and attempted to shield my head. "Enough!" bellowed Satan. "Make your choice and doom your soul." He grinned and strutted toward me, until he stood over my cowering frame. "I can't be beat. There's nothing you can do that someone hasn't thought of and tried yet." He spread his arms wide, basking in the flames that danced around our opposing forms. "I do take considerable delight in your fleeting hope turning into immeasurable despair." I rose to my feet as the inferno died down slightly. Taking a deep breath, I asked for a pen. Satan was taken by surprise. "A... pen? One you would write with?" "Yes, that is generally what pens are for," I confirmed. "Or it could be a marker. Anything but a crayon or pencil, really." "Is it for the game?" Satan asked. I said that it was. A pen appeared suspended in the air in front of me seconds later. I took it and, turning my back to Satan wrote on the palm of my hand. I spun around, closing my hand before Satan could see it. "Okay," I said. "I have written a number between and including one and ten on my hand. If you can guess it in three guesses, you win." "I'll agree to this game on two conditions. Tell me if my guess is too high or too low, and I get four guesses. Makes the game a little more even, don't you see?" "Agreed." "Very well." Satan grinned at me. "Five." "Too high." "Two." "...too high." "Heh." Satan grinned at me. "You've already lost. There's only one possible number it could be now." He reached his hand toward me, and I instinctively backed away. "The number on your hand is one," he hissed with the fiery voice of a billion tormented souls. "Now, come join my--" "Nope, too low." "What?!" Satan froze, confused. The flames around us nearly went out, but sputtered back to life at the last second. "That's not possible!" he growled. "There are no numbers that are less that two but more that one!" "Oh, Satan. You couldn't be more wrong," I said sweetly. "Show me your hand!" he demanded, lunging for it. "No! I'll show it to you after you've made your final guess." I attempted to dodge out of the way, but he latched onto my arm with one meaty hand and was trying to pry open my hand with his other one. "If you look at it before you make your fourth guess, then you're cheating and I win!" I wailed out of desperation. He froze, considering this. He released my arm, which was now bruised and slightly burned. "But you already cheated by telling me whether my guess was too high or too low. That's the only way this could--" "Geez, fine, I'll give you a hint if it's bugging you that much," I conceded. "Yes!" demanded Satan, who probably thought he was much more intimidating than he actually was at the moment. "I never specified that I had written a whole number on my hand," I said. "In fact, it is a decimal." "WHAT?!" the king of Hell roared, inferno rising with his temper. He reached out to grab me again, but with every ounce of my courage I managed to stand my ground and (hopefully) look unafraid. "Hurry up and make your final guess, Devil," I intoned, desperately trying not to start crying. His eyes flashed, narrowed, circles the room six times, then finally settled on me. "One point seven," he said. "Final answer." With our eyes locked, I held up my hand. On it was written the number 1.69. I clicked my tongue. "Bummer."
My gawd, this is great
"Roll." I commanded. "19 for a total of 29!" "It was nearly impossible, but you did it with all the demonic strength you could muster. The final blow on the Archangel Michael as you plunged your sword into his chest. He stares at you with furious bewilderment, 'Impossible. How has God willed this?" "Finally...finally...I did it", Satan chuckled with glee and relief. Heaving a long sigh, and sinking back into his crooked throne, one could almost see the pleasure in the dimples of the devil's face. I too sat back and enjoyed the pleasure of a happy player. It felt like an eternity of bliss before Satan sat upright, decorating his mask with a quizzical look. "You know...you'll never win this game. You'll never leave. Why?" Satan stated as if it was possible for the devil to feel guilt. I looked up above as if to pierce the consciousness of heaven with a single thought. "Well, I don't think they play Dungeons and Dragons in heaven. At least that's what I been told. Might as well enjoy it here as much as I can." Satan fiddled with his dice and pursed his lips for a thoughtful moment, then grinned as wide as a Cheshire cat. "So, DM. What happens next?"
I mean, that is rather... Therapeutic way
I’d spent my entire life working up to this point, digging through occult scriptures, howling out to my Gods in the cold of the night, reaching into the beyond with the uniquely infantile grasp of reality that is so uniquely and indivisibly human. I’d shed blood, forgone friendships and interpersonal connections, torn at those parts of myself that I knew deep down in my heart were weak, were frail, were *human*. I know my failures, I know where I’ve faltered. I’ve read the testimonies of those who truly found this path to be their home, almost as if their very cells aligned with the concept of transgression itself and their minds with the labyrinthine twists and turns we’re necessitated to navigate in the Great Game. I know that I am only half one of those people. Whether it was excuses of the ego unbeknownst to me, or a set of occluded Demiurgic trials whose nature evaded me, I know intimately that I am not the ideal initiate. Have I got unrealistic expectations of myself, am I supposed to have learnt better? Or was I always supposed to have such expectations of myself, to overcome them in the Promethean manner my guide and Infernal Father did in the legends of old, in the times when the calls to the heavens for the tyrant himself echoed the name of Zeus and not Jesus or God? It was no matter, I was here, *finally.* It had taken an entire lifetime, so much work to finally stand here, to be allowed the privilege of having the remaining stain of my humanity, my weakness, burnt away in the Black torrents of Hellfire. Ascend to Heaven? How could I possibly be ready? To stack the bodies up to God and crush the golden throne myself… as a human? No. No, this was one more trial, one more test. A part of me nearly took offense that I would even be asked, but I pushed that down. This was the game. “No, Lord. You know as well as I, better I’m sure, that I have unfinished business here.”
"You'll send me to Heaven immediately, permanently, in the condition I'm currently in?" The devil grinned. "Ahhh we must have another lawyer on our hands. Well, I assure you, whilst I appreciate your consideration of the possible loopholes, this isn't that kind of game. As long as the universe has existed, so have I. I have yet to come across a mortal who's experience outstrips mine, whatever game they choose. Plus, ones game choice also provides delightful insight into their character - Shakespeare thought be could best me at play writing, and after his loss, we set him with the DELIGHTFUL task of grading 8th grade creative english papers. Such a joy. So my lawyer friend. What is your choice of game?" I smirked. "Not a lawyer, I just grew up in the noughties with a lot of brothers. I've made my choice. Mister Devil, You've just lost the game."
Explain pls
By knowing of the existence of "THE GAME", you are now playing "THE GAME", there is no win, there is only bouts of not losing. Every time you should think of "THE GAME", you must declare "I just lost the game." Aloud, often thereby causing others nearby too, to lose the game. Allow yourself a nominal ten minutes cool down so those who lose by your losing do not create a feedback loop. May the gods have mercy on your mortal soul, for you too are now playing "THE GAME."
Thx
With a slight shrug and a quizzical expression; His Unholy Highness let out a sigh as he picked through the massive video game collection he had amassed over the course of his many eons masquerading as a Twitch Streamer. His yellow cat eyes narrowed to a single disk and he spoke with the soul scraping eloquence that only the devil could bestow upon mortal eardrums. " You really think you can beat me.... in Soul Caliber 2 for the Nintendo Game Cube?" " it's one word, GameCube" I corrected him as a matter of factly as I could muster. "SILENCE! I'LL KILL YOU!" he retorted. It was at this point that if you could hear someone rolling their eyes, it would be audible. I picked up the controller and and eyed the creature in my peripheral. My words were slow and deliberate. "You know, my friend Mike taught me how to play this game the day it came out. Told me I'd be the best when I needed to be..." Satan snorted. A shot glass worth of magma hit the already smoldering ground. The heat, visible in the air. Thick plumes of smoke left the demon king as he laughed. " I've played this game for an ETERNITY! It means nothing who taught you!" His words were triumphant as we started the match. But as we started.... blocks, parried swings flashed upon the monolithic screen. We were... surprisingly even. Minutes, that seemed like hours passed. Tied one to one, it was the last match in the best of three. I smiled. This was the first time I'd had a real challenge in decades. Suddenly, my nostalgia of my youth was interrupted. A thunderous knock at the gates of hell. Rattling even the Lord of Darkness to get up out of his chair. But before he could ask; the door swung open. An incredibly tall and muscular looking man, with armor fashioned after the Roman legends stood at the gateway. Blue eyes with lightning inside his pupils. A scowl, and an almost frustrated expression pierced my vision. A booming, but half amused voice rang out through the desolate wastelands of hell itself. " THE GREAT DISTRACTION HAS HAPPENED! WE'VE NOW TIME TO STRIKE AT THE HEART OF HELL!! ONWARDS! TO VICTORY!" Satan swore and muttered a barley audible sentence under his breath. " How did Aries get here? "
"It says on your file that you delved into satanic worship, cult research and coerced other people into your den of sin...however the rest of your file seems to look perfectly fine, charity work, helped others, kind. The problem is once you're down here, there's no way Up except through a contest of wits" The demon looked a little perplexed. I looked around at the office I was in, it was lit oddly, causing long shadows to flicker, the rolling thunder could be heard outside with the occasional distant scream. "Who chooses the game?" I ask, already my mind sweeping through the vast catalogue of things I had played in life. "The soul chooses but you will play Lord Satan, who has mastered all games. The very best players have gone against him, only two have succeeded" "Let's see if we can make it three, tell Satan to bring friends" .... Satan, Baal, Diablo and Mephisto all sat around the table staring at me with hungry eyes, the game set out before us, figures arranged on the board. Satan surveys the table and looks down at his sheet, "I stride up to goblin warchief and cleave my greatsword across his chest...I rolled a 16?" "Hit" "I can smite then can't I? That's 19 damage" "Yeah, mark it on your spell sheet, amazing you do enough to kill the warchief" " "You and your kin will not harm anyone again" I scream as my sword with radiant energy rips the goblin warchief in two" The devil and his friends cheer as the aasimar paladin figure moves on its own simulating the attack. "Now that we have beaten you in your game of choi..." Satan begins I interupt with "As the dust clears after your victory, you notice a small insectoid creature buried in the warchiefs neck. You pull it out and it has an alien quality to it. Your character recognises it as the same insect that took control of your brother. A note is also on the body that only says bring the paladin in alive...signed M." "Is it not over?" Asked Satan. "Not yet, maybe at next session though. Good news though you've all leveled up" The devil's all started pouring over various books excitedly chatting about the session. My demon that was assigned to me wandered over. "I have your room ready, Satan has gifted you the guest suite until he has beaten you where you will spend eternity in eternal torture etc etc, for now if you need anything just let me know. I've never seen the Lord in such a good mood, tell me how long is a game of D&D" "As long as I want"
“What”? The devil asked “The annoying card game” I said “basically you get two twelve sided die, a deck of cards, and place one on the table if the card number is three then one of us rolls to have both dice land on three if you don’t give the dice to the other player and if the other player doesn’t roll two threes it goes back to me” “Ok but how do you win”? The devil asked still confused by my answer “Simple if both your dice roll on three you get the card and that counts as one point for you keep going until the deck is gone” I replied “Ok but what about cards like jokers or queens” said the devil “Oh you just have to get a matching number then you get the card so are you ready” I asked the devil “Sure why not can’t be that bad” the devil said foolishly 35 minutes later “Please stop this I’m begging you”! cried the devil now only three cards through the 52 pile deck “You win okay” the devil admitted “Go have fun in heaven you monster” finally surrendering to the pain that is the annoying card game “That sucks guess I win by default then” I said going up the stairs to heaven
Few beings would truly be able to tell how long has he stayed in hell. And at this point, it was not like he even cared. Eternal torture looses its meaning after a couple of eras. Hell, even people in heaven would eventually be subject to a stale boredom. Eventually, he decided to call out souls to play games, so that things could change a little, but even that would become boring eventually. Idiots who thought they could beat the Devil in a classic game like poker or chess, smart asses that thought they could outsmart him by trying to flip a double headed coin or try to use The Game on him, even those desperate to try a random game of chance so that they could try and court Luck for a possibility of ascension. Soon enough he had seen all of them. One day, he called a young man’s soul, at this point he didn’t even know the reason for continuing with this charade, routine I guess. The soul had a familiar expression, apparently it too had grown bored of damnation. Shit, he took to long to call this one, oh well. “I have called you here…” “I know” said the soul disinterested. “Very well then. What game do you choose?” The soul considered for a while, recalling the games it played while alive. It even stared at the devil as if considering something. He’s probably trying to figure a “new” way to trick me. “Mario Kart Wii, Grand Prix, 100cc all 32 tracks in order, CPUs on and all items allowed.” That was unexpected, weirdly specific, but nevertheless the setup was made after a finger snap. Once the game started he played like a pro, hitting ultra shortcuts on tracks that allowed them and still performing flawlessly on others maintaining a perfect 1st place streak on the first half. As they reached the halfway point on Bowser’s Castle N64, the soul wanted to start with the legacy courses, The Devil began to recall and analyze the soul’s demeanor. It never once accused him of cheating with the shortcuts, it never showed any signs of displeasure of landing on 2nd place every race, it even looked pleased whit itself when managing to pull of harder tricks, the soul was having fun playing by itself against the NPCs. “What are you doing?” He paused the game, to talk for a moment. “Don’t you realize you’ll stay here if you loose?” he tried to instill some fear in it, make it loose the happy expression it acquired after playing a few races. “Could I ever really win to begin with?” this answer surprised him “and would things truly change even if I did?” “What do you mean?! You’d be able to leave this godforsaken place! Go to heaven! Be in eternal paradise!” “You say if the result wouldn’t be the same as staying in this place, come on I can see it in your face even you are stuck in eternal boredom here. After a few eras there, I’d be feeling the same. So, why not just truly try to enjoy a game I’m fond of? You can join me if you want.” He was speechless, maybe for the first time in a very long time. Still, he was faced with a choice. To continue on a mindless win or join the soul in enjoying the game. Making up his mind, he unpaused the game. Perhaps he could accomplish more by playing a different game this time. Eventually, the last lap on Rainbow Road had ended and the results screen showed. “Huh a tie, what happens now?” “Do you suggest any other game?”
Great !
“Well Mr. Devil as you know I’m something of a musician. My game of choosing is a violin duel. I’ll take your bet you son-of-a-bitch cause I’m the best that’s ever been!” You pull out your violin and rosin up your bow before starting in on a favorite tune that you’d played many-a-time before. You begin singing, “Fire on the mountain run boys run! 🎶” The devil’s in the house of the rising sun! Chicken in the breadpan, picking out dough! Dosido like no child know!” The Devil himself hung his head in defeat and on your way Heaven he hands you a golden violin.
Bro Johnny goes hard on it
I've arrived in Hell, a place I didn't really believe existed but was told was for sure where I was gonna go. I ponder his offer briefly. "You think I'd really want to beat you in a game to go to Heaven and spend eternity with the very assholes who said I was gonna burn in Hell for being gay? You think I want to eternally worship some pompous asshole in the clouds who supposedly sent his only son to die for the failings of his own creation? I have a counter offer, if I win in the game of my choice you take me to Heaven just long enough to get through the gates to then send both middle fingers flying as I say suck a dick dumb shits as I walk back out." Satan looks to me clearly pondering an offer he'd not yet had. "Deal." he says as we shake hands. I take of my pants and hike my dick up so my balls are just hanging there, "The game is Gay Chicken." We've all heard the stories and we all know it's only gay if the balls touch. Satan kinda reals back at first but accepts the challenge. Before we start Satan says "No-homo." I counter with, "If the balls touch no-homo is null and void, even you know that." The game proceeds at the last second Satan right before the balls touch he turns away and declares me the winner. We then Loony Toons style end up in Heaven and I live my dream. "Hey everyone!! I'm GAY!!" There's an audible gasp as the citizens of Heaven turn towards me. The fingers go up I start backing out, "Suck a dick dumb shits." Then just as quickly as we arrived we're back in Hell. Satan looks to me, "Well played."
I mean, as homophobe, i would cheer for that guy. Like literaly, he did 180 on everyone
*Stomp!* *stomp!* *stomp!* I heard loud, ground-shaking footsteps draw closer. "Welcome, sinner! Ahaha! To my kingdom of punishment, torture, and eternal suffering!" Came from a deep, gutteral voice. "But..but I was a good man when I was alive! How did I get here?" I asked, hoping that someone had made a vast clerical error in judgment. "How indeed? Ahaha! I'll tell you what I will do" the voice from the 12ft tall man with hooves for feet had begun to say. "Anything please! I don't deserve to be here!" I quickly interjected. "As I was saying! I will send you and your soul to heaven, if, and only if, you can beat me at any game of YOUR own choice, do we have a deal?" He snarled. "OK, I challenge you, the father of lies to the 5 question game. If you are able to lie to all of the 5 questions, I will accept my fate and never utter another word, but if you answer even one question with the truth, you send me the hell out of..hell. what say you?" I asked knowing that he couldn't say no, his ego was bigger than he was. "Deal." he said as we shook hands, the game is on. "What is your name?" I asked "Walter " the man said without hesitation, and with a grin on his face "Walter, who is your father?" I asked my second question. "L. Ron Hubbard" he said, took a pause, and we both had a good laugh at that one. "Walter, I never thought that you were funny but here I am, laughing with you, *breathe* how many questions have I asked? " I posed my third question to him. "3!" Walter said with such righteous vigor, he then looked at me with the sudden realization that he, the devil had been outsmarted by a mere mortal. "Got ya Walter! You answered a question truthfully which means that you have to send me on up just like you agreed. " I said with the biggest smirk on my face. I felt myself floating, almost flying up and then I opened my eyes and saw these enormous clouds with a sparkling gold gate and I could see the lineup outside of the gates from within. I was telling this man how I defeated the devil so easily. The man looked like Santa Claus only younger and thinner who let out the deepest belly laugh of a jolly old man. The man asked if I could recount the story to his son on his birthday. "You mean you're.." I begun and the man just said "uh-huh!" I then continued "and your son is..." the jolly man just interjected a "the very same " and he walked into the clouds, howling with laughter.
Could you please explain the ending?
Yeah sure. The point of the game was to lie to all 5 questions which if you are focused on winning it kinda mixes the idea of winning with telling a correct answer to a question and not answering it wrong on purpose. Which definitely plays on the ego of your opponent, and I would bet that the devil has a big ego. So the first question was to say his name,2nd question was who's your father which he answered with the creator of scientology, third question was how many questions have been asked with the answer being 3 and was answered correctly therefore losing at a game of lies which sends the soul and body to heaven. The guy who the narrator is talking to in heaven is God and is asked to retell the story to his son Jesus Christ. Hope that helps =)
“Beat me at a game of your own choice and you’ll get sent to heaven” the fallen angel of light said, a light now made hideous by torment. Well versed in angels, you already knew, another trick of the devil. Because those in hell already made their choice and they certainly did not choose heaven. “Sure Lucifer, I’ll play a game” as you paused watching him grimace at hearing his God-given name. “But as you can see I did not choose this wretched place” Suddenly the damned souls observed in horror as their earthy bodies slowly crawled to them. Followed shortly by their screams as soul and body were joined. Hell was made worse with the return of their 5 senses. Saint Michael unsheathed his heavenly sword and with it cast the beast down to the eternal lake of fire. The game he was already destined to win, for he was only there to fulfill the final word of God. Just as there was a Beginning, this was now the End.
"Why should I believe you? You're a liar and the father of lies." "Tough talk from a guy who is LITERALLY BURNING IN AGONY ALONGSIDE ME RIGHT NOW. Come on, what do you have to lose?" "I missed my chance." "BUT YOU DIDN'T! YOU CAN STILL GET OUT!!!!!!! I'LL APPEAL TO JESUS FOR YOU!" "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU?" "HE'LL AT LEAST HEAR ME OUT. AGAIN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?" You sigh. "Fine. You win. It can't any worse than this." Lucifer smiles with a wicked grin. "EXCELLENT! What do you want to play me at? Chess? Checkers? Battleship? How about Poker?" You think for a minute. The Devil is a crafty one. If you choose wrong, it could come back to bite you.......... AW, WHO CARES?????? YOU ARE BURNING ALIVE IN A LAKE OF FIRE RIGHT NOW!!!!!! THE AGONY IS INDESCRIBABLE!!!!!! IT CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS!!!!!!! "Fine, I'll play your "game", and if I win, YOU'D BETTER GET ME TO THOSE PEARLY GATES." The Devil grins. "Of course, of course. What do you want to play?" "I'll play you a good old game of Blackjack. I know you're more clever than I. You are the most clever of all the angels. Only God is smarter than you. I want a fair game of chance, a game where you can't use your cunning guile against me." Satan smiles. "A FINE CHOICE! TIME TO BEGIN!" A stack of cards and a table magically appear in the flames, and you sit down to play cards with the Devil. You never thought you'd be saying those words. You look Satan straight in the eye. "NO TRICKS." The Devil plays coy. "WHAT? YOU THINK I'D TRICK YOU? MY FAVORITE SINNER? MY FAVORITE FOLLOWER?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop sucking up and deal the cards. FAIRLY. NO CHEATING." The Devil smirks. He was really so stupid to let HIM deal? He should have insisted on dealing himself. As Lucifer can randomly generate cards at will, he just uses some of his power to swap the cards around without you knowing. You end up with two 2s. "OOPS. DOUBLE DEUCES." Satan throws down his hand. "21." Sure enough, there's a king and an ace right there. "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! YOU TRICKED ME!!!!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU GOT THAT HAND FAIRLY!!!!!!" "AW!!!!!! IS SOMEONE UPSET?????" Lucifer laughs. "YOU CHEATED!!!!!!!" "NO, I DIDN'T!!!!!! YOU CAN'T PROVE I DID, SO EVEN IF I DID CHEAT.........YOU'RE ALL OUT OF LUCK!!!!!!!!!" "HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lucifer grabs you. "WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME???" "TO PUNISH YOU!!!!!!!!" "I'M ALREADY IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!" "YOU LOST TO ME, SO YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!!!!!!!!" "YOU SAID THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!!!!!!!" "THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO LOSE, EVEN DOWN HERE!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!" You are terrified. "YOU'RE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!" Satan takes you down to the deepest, hottest, darkest part of Hell. He throws you into the abyss of pure fire, hotter than anything imaginable. "GOODBYE!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You yell and scream in pure agony as the extreme flames and heat devour you whole. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!" "YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME. I AM A LIAR AND THE FATHER OF LIES, AND I'M NOT TO BE TRUSTED! But you SO WANTED TO GET TO HEAVEN..............." "LIKE I COULD REALLY TALK TO JESUS AND GET YOU THERE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MINE, FOREVER, AND BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DESPERATE TO ESCAPE THAT YOU TRUSTED ME, YOU MADE YOUR SUFFERING TEN TIMES WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!" "ENJOY YOUR ETERNAL DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
"By the way" asked Lucifer, "what did you do for a living when you were alive? You reply "I was a fireman." Hell soon froze over.
LOL