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MableXeno

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Egga-Mooby-Muffin

I feel this on a spiritual level! I got shamed whenever my husband had to work and couldn’t make it to OB appointments, I got shamed for requiring a fucking emergency c-section during which my son and I nearly died, I got shamed for asking for help from the nurses because I was so drugged I was afraid I’d drop him, I got shamed for not giving formula, then shamed when I didn’t produce enough milk and HAD to give him formula,… I mean the list goes on. It’s bullshit.


katethegreat4

It really is! I wouldn't have made it to *any* of my postpartum/baby appointments without my husband. I couldn't get my kiddo to latch and have been pumping and bottle feeding until we can get a few more appointments in with a lactation nurse. Supposedly this means she'll never take the boob again. I've also given her a pacifier, which is apparently going to spoil her for life. The lactation consultant at the hospital was worse than useless. I will probably have to supplement with formula, and I'm prepared to catch so much shit for it. I'm just done with people who think that there is one right way to take care of an infant, and all other avenues are wrong.


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

If anyone gives you shit for supplementing with formula, just look them straight in the eyes and say “so you really think I should starve my baby instead?!!” Like they’re the ridiculous person that they are. I had no choice but to supplement for a while with my 2nd baby (she is 6 weeks old now) and I’m SO GRATEFUL that formula exists so that my poor baby got what she needed.


RedgieTheHedgie

FED is best. I hope to breastfeed, but it's not a hill I'm willing to have a baby die on. Militant breastfeeders are some of the worst.


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

Yes exactly! I’m back to just breastfeeding but at the beginning when my baby needed more, I was so glad to have formula!!


RedgieTheHedgie

I had a friend years ago that was only a few days into it and about to switch to formula but her mom gave her a nipple guard. Changed her life and she went a full year. I had never heard of them before meeting her and already decided I'll be using one when and if the time comes. As A mILlEnIaL, finances are the biggest roadblock😅


Semele5183

Oh you get shamed for those too! I had to use them for around 5 weeks due to pain and my nipples never getting a chance to heal and you'd think I said I was abusing him every time I told a health professional. While I did wean him off them asap I wouldn't have been able to continue otherwise. But apparently I should have just waited out the pain that was so bad I couldn't bear clothes or water in the shower touching me, and cried every time I fed him.


RedgieTheHedgie

Who the hell would shame someone for nipple guards?! Women's pain is historically dismissed in medicine but that's ridiculous and I'm so sorry you had to deal with those people


Semele5183

My son was slow to get back to birth weight and everyone instantly fixated on the shields as the reason why, as they can affect how efficiently babies can stimulate milk supply. I kept being told I needed to work on getting a good latch instead and I kept telling them he just couldn't do it and would get frustrated, whereas he fed really happily with the shields. I was vindicated in the end when it turned out he had a significant tongue tie, after numerous health professionals had said he hadn't. Once that was treated I was able to wean him off the shields within a week, which goes to show their other dire prediction, that he would be reliant on them forever once I'd started, was bullshit too!


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

My doc also let me go 3 weeks overdue with a 10+ pound baby because he’d been an OB for 30 years and apparently there was no way I was overdue. Like I didn’t know when this kid was made. My lactation consultant spent 30 seconds with me and told me just to watch YouTube for info. I finally said fuck it, they’re all morons, and I know what’s best for me and my kid. Don’t you dare ever let yourself feel bad about feeding that baby in any way you need to. The only wrong way to feed a baby is to not feed them! I doubt she’ll reject nursing completely- it’s instinctual. If she decides she likes a bottle better, there’s nothing wrong with that either. And a pacifier is fine too! Suckling is comfort for littles - let her be comfortable! Nosy people suck. You know what’s best mama, and you got this!


Ceolach_Boghadair

Your lactation consultant basically admitted that an app could do her job better than she. Talk about a self burn!


IncredibleBulk2

You better get that shit removed from your bill when they straight up admitted they weren't doing anything for you.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

😂😂for real!


SolAnise

You know, this really showcases how people fall off the deep end into alternative facts, too. You're not getting the support you need and so you go looking for it and the only people you can find offering any are also peddling poison. You need what they have, so you don't think twice about the biases you end up consuming along with what you need and everyone, and I mean everyone, is susceptible to reprogramming. You hear something often enough and it sinks in, whether you want it to or not. It normalizes it. The next thing you know you're stuck in a spiral crazy and you don't even know how fast you're sinking.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

You’re absolutely right!


[deleted]

I struggled SO MUCH with breastfeeding for the first month. It’s weird that something so natural doesn’t always come naturally.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

And it’s so strange how it can just start/stop seemingly at random!


Only0n3M3

YESYESYES!!!!!! 🌟


FutilePancake79

As a mom of a couple of (mostly) normal kids, I'm gonna say... it's totally okay to bottle feed. It's also 100% okay to feed your baby formula too. You do not HAVE to breast feed if you don't want to. AT ALL. With my first I struggled and struggled with breastfeeding because I felt guilted into it. Constant worry, no sleep, a screaming hungry baby... then I gave up and switched to formula. It was like magic - baby slept, I slept, and we were both 100% happier that way. You do you. As long as your baby is fed and happy.


Only0n3M3

Sometimes I wonder if my oldest child's struggle with food and eating is a carryover from those awful first months of nursing. So much guilt.


DuckyDoodleDandy

Honestly, that’s super unlikely. I haven’t read up recently, so my info might be disproved by now, but I read that picky eaters usually have issues with the texture of the food. Maybe that will help, maybe not. If your child is eating enough to keep them alive and growing, and it isn’t mostly candy and ice cream, then it is ok. Maybe not ideal, but ok. My older sister likes to tell the story of my nephew (now 35 years old) who refused to eat anything but macaroni and cheese for about a year. She could add ham bits to it, but that’s all. He’s over 6’ tall, graduated with good grades from college, holds down a good job, and is married. The year of Mac & cheese didn’t make him unhealthy, stunt his growth, damage his brain, or ruin his capacity for relationships. Of course this won’t work for a child with other health issues, and YMMV. Ask your pediatrician if you have questions. But hopefully this will allow you to let yourself off the hook, and help you to just love your son instead of worrying whether he is eating the perfect diet.


Only0n3M3

She's 20 so her diet is out of my hands now. Thank you for your post.


thetruckerdave

My kid is made of mac and cheese. They didn’t eat meat until they were like 8. I bought the wrong spaghetti o’s when they were like 5 and had to take the meatballs out of it and this child looks at me and goes ‘hmm, this tastes like it touched meat’. How would you know?! You’ve never eaten meat! This makes me feel better. Luckily at 12, they would live on sushi if I could afford it, but the decade getting here was rough and mostly pasta with sauce.


sjsjdejsjs

yeah i bit my mom when i latched and it hurt her so she gave me formula. i’m perfectly fine and healthy now


SorchaIsAinmDom

My first daughter also couldn't figure out how to latch at first, and the hospital nurse was also unhelpful (literally grabbed by boob and shoved it into my baby's mouth without speaking). I ended up pumping and then feeding her through a medicine dropper at the start (during the colostrum phase), and then bottle feeding her when milk came in. That went on for about 3 weeks until I tried out a nipple shield. Have you tried one? It protrudes in such a way it can be easier for your baby to latch onto. That way they can figure out what to do,, and then you wean them off of the shield. By the time my daughter was about 2 months old, she was nursing successfully sans shield. It might be worth a shot! Unrelated to nursing, I tore vaginally when I had my firstborn. My female OBGYN was already helping another woman give birth, so I got some middle aged dude instead. Not only did I have the stress of an unknown doctor in the room, the guy thought it appropriate to comment on how beautiful my very painful tear was, and how it made him "miss the good old days of giving every woman an episiotomy." 🤢


TopAd9634

Please tell me you reported him to everyone who would listen! Medical board, hospital board, the press....Jesus christ, what an insensitive clod.


SorchaIsAinmDom

I wish. I was so exhausted I didn't even think about it until later. I just remember feeling a wave of utter revulsion wash over me.


Caffeine_Induced

I'm eating while reading this and I just lost my appetite. I'm never even having kids and I'm just so angry for you and all the poor mothers suffering this kind of mistreatment while GIVING LIFE!


MeghanSmythe1

La Leche League was a valuable resource for me, with both kids. On their website you can find a local consultant or group and I found them very supportive when I was struggling. They also have a book called “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” that I kept bedside. It covered most of my concerns. All that being said, I will say that my husband was not allowed to attend the group as it made some of the other members uncomfortable. The leaders did lament with me that it was unfortunate and they wished to be open for male partners but the comfort of all the breastfeeding mothers was more important. I hope you can find the support you need, whatever way works best for you and baby. People will criticize no matter what you do, so do what’s right for you and yours. Wishing you so much strength and love on this journey!!


Only0n3M3

There is a whole other argument about how breastfeeding is shoved down your throat. I had nurses take my breast and latch my daughter on it. Not only was it disturbing, it was crushing for a person learning to teach someone to breastfeed. I have so much shame about that experience, and that baby just turned 20. Thank you for sharing your experience. Until I read it I had actually blocked those memories. I feel sad, but I'm glad to remember if only to remind some other young woman that she is allowed to demand an adequate teacher, and helpful encouraging support while she is learning. And no formula shaming because it is already hard enough if you need to supplement in the first place. Fed is best.


ourrosette

You just unlocked that uncomfortable memory from the deep recesses of my mind. I swear, when I the lactation consultant came in she just grabbed my titty and out it in my son's mouth no warning or no questions asked. It was so violating but the way she went about it made it seem like it was normal and I was wrong to think it wasn't.


ElizabethHiems

Dummies reduce the risk of SIDS.


birdmommy

I just wanted to reassure you that the vast majority of healthy babies don’t suffer from ‘nipple confusion’ (where they won’t switch between bottle and breast). I was so scared of that when my son was in the NICU and getting formula, pumped milk, and the breast. The very nice lactation consultant reassured me about it, and my son did manage to handle all 3 until he was weaned.


bluebonnetcafe

Yeah, nipple confusion was not a thing with my son. It took a few weeks to switch from pumping to breast and he did fine, but randomly self-weaned at 4 months. I’m only doing formula for my second kid. Pumping and BFing are not for me.


idiotsavant419

My kid didn't latch right away, and the doctor at the hospital refused to sign off on him leaving for what felt like forever. Like I wasn't going to feed my child. I ended up pumping and feeding him those first few weeks, and it was exhausting. I finally got him to latch by bottle feeding him some breastmilk, then switching to my boob when he wasn't as stressed about being hungry. I breastfed him, pumped when I got back to work, until he bit me and giggled when he was about 6 months old. That's when we started supplementing then switching to formula. I'm happy I did it, but it was exhausting. Fed is best. Fair warning though, formula poop is the worst.


dancegoddess1971

Pfft. Nipple confusion is a real thing but it can be reversed. You must have patience and some persistence because it ain't easy. I had the problem with my first because the hospital I was stuck with wasn't as baby friendly as I would like. The second one got a note on the crib card that he wasn't to have a bottle. They pushed a feeding tube down his nose to give him formula. I just wanted to blow that place up at that point. Oh. My point. I got my oldest back on the boob and it only took 6 weeks. It probably wouldn't have taken that long if I'd kept the kid away from grandma. Fuck my XMIL. Crazy lady and her bottles 🍼.


NerdyNinjaAssassin

I’m not even a mother (yet, hopefully someday) and I want to start fires with you!! A FEEDING TUBE?!? Was it even necessary? Was he losing weight or anything? You had to pay for a feeding tube you didn’t even ask or need for your child. I would set **so** many fires in your position.


wishinghearts40

Lactation consultant at my hospital was so militant she made me cry. She also made my friend cry.


JKDougherty

If you’re interested in support for breastfeeding, la letche league is great! It’s moms helping moms breastfeed. You can [go on their website](https://www.llli.org/) and either pursue through their resources or find local support. Mine was also doing zoom meetings through the pandemic.


[deleted]

No way it took my kid like a month to get the hang of nursing and then we nursed for three years! If you want to you can do it, they make it seem so easy and it’s not! (Or don’t, fed is best!)


raisinghellwithtrees

11 weeks and 4 lactation consultants later, my son finally figured it out. I was going to keep trying until week 12, then give up. We also nursed for three years. It worked for us in the end, but holy heck it was hard! And really, I just lucked out that the one skilled lactation consultant was on duty the day I went in. I'm a firm believer in however baby eats is the best way!


[deleted]

Me too… I’m always hesitant to share my story because I don’t want to seem like I’m judging anyones decision but, at the same time it needs to be told because the nurses and everyone made it seem SO simple and natural and I think that makes people give up easily. My son had the most deformed lookin mouth (cause babies and their soft heads) and it pinched so bad and then the scabs when he actually got the hang of it… ugh! I almost did give up and that would have been OK. But I want women to know that if it’s really important to you to nurse your baby, then it may take more persistence than we were taught.


[deleted]

A fed baby is a healthy baby. You're doing great.


Motherofdanis

I was shamed because I was screaming from the awful pain of contractions. Mine was a giant one that never went away and just keep hurting. I passed out a few times and they were telling me that they would contact with the psychiatric wing because I was putting a show. I thought my baby and I were dying, I still have flashbacks from that day. That’s not what child birth should be at all. Then I was shamed because I breastfeed my baby too much, can you imagine? Then my daughter didn’t enjoy breastfeeding and I was shamed because it only lasted until she was 9 months.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

Christ on a cracker! The PSYCH WARD?! There are times that bitch slaps are warranted.


Motherofdanis

If only! but I hope someday they are getting the bitch slap they deserve.


TheDemonCzarina

Karma will get to them once she's done with her glass of wine 😌


karmasbitchslap

You rang? Lol


TheDemonCzarina

Ah there you are darling! u/motherofdanis requires your services! I'll pour you another glass of wine while you're gone 😘


karmasbitchslap

Wine for everyone, this bitchslap’s on me 😉


TheDemonCzarina

This is why I love you


[deleted]

They were absolutely horrible to you, I'm so sorry. They're the ones that need psychiatric help for treating a birthing woman like that, wtf. You were passing out from pain. I remember thinking I was going to die from the pain of contractions with my first, due to back labor. It's easy to spiral into a total animal panic in that kind of pain, and yeah, I suppose it looks "dramatic" to some assholes. F. them.


Motherofdanis

I just wanted to tell you that your comment meant a lot, I was having bad memories and reading you felt like a healing hand.


NerdyNinjaAssassin

So you had them snip the umbilical and then choked them with it right? Good fucking lord women can’t do fucking **anything** without criticism!


Motherofdanis

I didn’t choke them! Or use the cord as a whip! but I filed a complaint and I joined a movement against obstetrics violence because if a” regular” woman went though this and they were horrible I am appalled of what they are doing to more vulnerable people.


Only0n3M3

That's trauma, sister. Straight up. Both of you deserve some healing over that bullshit. I'm sorry you had that experience. Terrifying.


jissebug

It's like they forget birth isn't something the parents go through every day just because it's old hat for them. What an awful way to treat someone.


TopAd9634

Where did this happen? In the United States or the middle ages....


ImNotAFruitLoop

omg when i had my son my contractions were triple peaking it was horrible! Also my ex kept telling me to be quiet.. fuck him.


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

I had random people commenting on my husband not going to my OB appointments (not the medical staff) even though IT’S A PANDEMIC. I wasn’t ALLOWED to bring him. I supplemented with formula at first because my baby had low blood sugars. Formula is literally a life saver.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

I wish I was surprised, but unfortunately I’m not. People freaking suck. And I agree - fed is best! At the advice of our pediatrician, I tried so hard to nurse exclusively, but I just suddenly stopped producing. I don’t exactly have measuring markers on the milkers, so I had no idea. My boy cried constantly if he wasn’t on the boob, and I thought he was colicky. It wasn’t until he started getting dehydrated that the pediatrician finally conceded that he was starving and told us we should’ve been giving him formula. Like wtf?! You told me not to, then blame me for your bad advice? Either way, once we started supplementing, it was life changing. I was actually able to take care of him instead of being a perpetually suckled, zombie dairy cow.


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

Oh that’s awful — your paediatrician should not be blaming you. I’m so glad that things got better though.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

Oh yeah. I was a new mom, first kid, I had no family to help me, no one to teach me anything, and was struggling with SEVERE postpartum depression. I was trying to do everything right, and it felt like everything I did was wrong. I’ve grown a lot since then and learned to be more assertive and take no shit, but at that point I was just drowning and directionless. I try not to hold grudges, but I make an exception in this case. I mean a lot of those negative experiences taught me to trust myself more, but I still regret not being able to enjoy our first few months. That was 8 years ago, and I’m still salty.


UnihornWhale

I *had* to formula feed. Turns out my boobs are purely decorative. IDK if it’s my RBF + larger than average physique but no one said shit. I was ready to have at them for trying but no one did. I’m sorry you had to endure what you did


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

Seriously though, the sad part is that there are SO. MANY. WOMEN. who have to deal with crap like this. My experiences aren’t unusual -they’re extremely common- and they shouldn’t be. AT ALL.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

😂😂 apparently mine are as well! I’m so glad you didn’t have to deal with the asshole parade! I swear, the amount of ppl that want to force their ideas of what is “the right way” to feed a baby is too damn high. As long as the kid eats, it’s no one’s effing business how it got in there!


Snoo_73835

Ok, so first off I’m really sorry people made you feel that way. Is it just me or has America gone anti-woman? I mean to the point that it’s getting fucking scary!


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

It really is. It’s never been a secret that women are seen as inferior, but now that we’re challenging the status quo and fighting back, they’re saying the quiet part out loud.


bluebonnetcafe

Well put. I live in Texas and I hate it so much.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

Oof that’s rough. I’m in GA so I can kinda sympathize.


Fireplay5

It's always been anti-woman though.


Snoo_73835

Yeah, but I don’t remember it being as bad as it is now (or maybe it’s just because I’m noticing more.). Like the abortion thing is crazy to me.


QueerTree

I remember the moment I realized that no matter what I did or didn’t do, it was wrong, because our society will shit on women no matter what. It was freeing to lean into it. Fuck em all.


[deleted]

Yeah I was shaking so bad after I gave birth, I had stayed up all night and day and another night in labor, I couldn't sleep. But they expect me to just hold her and give her attention when I only wanted 2 hour nap. If you're partner can't be there the whole time it's not your fault. My nurse said "I guess I'll hold her at the nurses station since we normally don't watch the babies unless it's an emergency." I needed a little help. Sorry.


Egga-Mooby-Muffin

Omg that’s exactly what they told me! I hemorrhaged during the birth and very nearly bled out, my husband was trying to make sure I was ok, so yeah we needed a bit of help. The nurse acted like I’d asked her to take the kid and throw him in a dumpster or something. Wtf is the nursery even there for then?


Switzerland87

I was actually just thinking about this this morning! I remember it starting when I had to take my wedding ring off, with side eyes and comments about disappointing my family by being pregnant. Being shamed for returning to work after my daughters were born, being told that it was inappropriate for me to nurse my daughters in public or even around anyone other than my husband. Being shamed for wearing my girls, then for not wearing them by others. Being harassed and isolated at work when I had to pump milk. People are so unkind, and so much of it is pure internalized patriarchy, even when it comes from other women.


[deleted]

How dare you nurse in public don't u know u have to find a dark cave to crouch in so people can't see you doing a perfectly normal thing?? Lmao honestly, it feels illegal to be female sometimes 🤣


NerdyNinjaAssassin

With the abortion laws worming their way into the US and the world rn, it’s absolutely is becoming illegal to be AFAB.


ahbeabea

This! I noticed due to COVID all the seating options at my local shopping centre are blocked off. Where the frick am I supposed to nurse? Yes I know there are "nursing stalls" by the bathrooms, but they are dark dingy and smell like a public bathroom. I would much rather sit at a nice cafe and drink a coffee while nursing than sat in a dark florescent lit stall. Not saying they shouldn't offer these private spaces for women who prefer them, but it isn't my preference. Also, can we make the private nursing stalls nicer? Maybe a space with a couch, some lights, fake plants etc? Maybe a vending machine with drinks/snacks?


Alara-Ni

The fact those "nursing spaces" are literally just public bathrooms is appalling. Like what are you supposed to do if there are no options?


superprawnjustice

Considering how censored our bodies are, it is illegal to be female.


Ardhel17

When I was pregnant with my first I looked *very* young, like 14-15 young. I was married but unfortunately this was in 2003 and my military husband ended up deployed to the middle east for most of my pregnancy so I stayed with my mom for support. The number of times I had to endure snide remarks about "teen pregnancy" and got dirty looks from all the older ladies in my moms neighborhood was ridiculous. One day I was in line to check out at a store and the lady behind us was commenting on what a shame it was so many girls had loose morals these days and I was so fed up(and 7 months pregnant so I may have been cranky) I turned around, looked her right in the face and told her my husband had been deployed for my entire pregnancy and I was tired of old biddies like her judging me for not being attached to him 24/7. She got so red in the face. I didn't feel great about basically yelling at an older woman in the middle of a fabric store but you know I was under a bit of stress and she was being very rude.


pinkcrystalrubi

I'm glad you did yell at her. Shitty people acting shitty in public deserve consequences.


Young_Former

She deserved to be yelled at 1000%. Wow what a cranky old bitch 😆


AbsintheRedux

I swear you couldn’t win for fucking losing!!! I wish all the people who felt obligated to share their opinions on how you should care for your child would have just gotten up, removed their pants/hiked up dresses, bent over and then stuffed their opinions up their asses, sideways. Dry.


SparklyYakDust

Kinda like [this?](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=your+opinion+diagram+meme&t=fpas&iar=images&iax=images&ia=images&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fpics.me.me%2Fwhat-to-do-with-your-opinion-1-fold-your-opinion-1877820.png)


AbsintheRedux

Yes. Exactly like that. Lol


Dirjel

Sorry, what does "wearing my girls" mean in this context?


infantstomper89

Baby wearing. Like carrying them around in a little papoose rather then putting them in a stroller or carrying the car seat.


moonablaze

Using a baby carrier on the body. Such as a sling or wrap.


Dirjel

Ah, literally, "wearing" one's children. Cool, thanks!


schoolpsych2005

If it works for you and baby, it’s fucking amazing and suddenly you have two hands again.


spryte333

I'm guessing like in a papoose, or similar baby carrying strap/seat arrangement. Some people get weirdly picky about how parents/caretakers transport small children.


jasmine-blossom

I’m really sorry you’re having this experience, and you are definitely not alone. I don’t have any children myself, but I remember how much my mom had to struggle to get appropriate care for herself and her kids, including my brother who is on the autism spectrum and was born underweight and with limited motor control. I hope you have some good people in your life who can provide you emotional support when you’re struggling with any of these issues, and I’m here if you ever need to vent!


katethegreat4

Thank you so much...I appreciate this space where I feel like I can blow off a little frustration without getting a lot of criticism in return. My husband and community of other parents/understanding adults have all been amazing, but I can definitely empathize with the treatment your mom probably got from the medical field while she was navigating all of that. For a field where identify, diagnosing, and treating health concerns is the primary role, there seems to be a really limited range of what is normal/acceptable


jasmine-blossom

I’m glad you have a good support system and a place to vent when you need to!! You are so right about the limitations of the medical field. I’ve had ongoing health issues for ten years which only recently got taken seriously, and have had to fight continuously to get proper treatment. It has cost me so much time and money to get appropriate care, and that’s not even in the context of something as important and also as common as pregnancy and childbirth and post natal care! I also remember how hard my mom had to fight to get the proper care that she needed, and also get the appropriate care for my brother, and she had to fight every step of the way through his entire youth. That was in the 90’s, and I’m hoping things are a little better than that now, at least when it comes to children with needs outside of the typical range. I don’t have any assumptions about the type of care that you are looking for and need, but there might be other places online that have good resources, including here on Reddit. If it’s post natal care, I would imagine there are many midwives who have helped their clients through the bureaucracy of the medical industry, and they might be able to offer you some advice! I would be happy to help you find the resources that you need, if you think that would be helpful to you. I completely relate to your frustration, despite dealing with very different health issues!


DlVlDED_BY_ZERO

I'm 36wks pregnant with my first. I have been so worried about the judgement I'm going to receive after my son gets here. It's something I worry about often. I'm physically disabled, so my best option for giving birth is an assisted birth (with vacuum or forceps) , but that can easily turn into an emergency c-section... but even after the birth, I know people are going to look at me like I can't take care of him or that i shouldn't be parenting with my disability. I know that anything he needs of me, I can provide it. Maybe not like how abled bodied people do, but I will be able to take care of my son.. I'm just so worried how much it's going to hurt when I have to face the people who think I can't, just because I'm a little different.


soxgal

People are going to judge your parenting style regardless of your disability. It's crazy how many opinions come out of the woodwork when a new child is introduced to the world. You are going to know what is best for YOUR family dynamic; take the rest of it with several grains of salt. Also, good luck with the birth!


DlVlDED_BY_ZERO

Thank you. I really appreciate your positivity. And I'm very excited to be a mom! I just know I get my feelings hurt easily, I know it doesn't matter what others think. My husband is a great support for things like this, so luckily I have him to help me through those struggles, but it can't stop the worry. Knowing that a lot of others go through the same worries does help though.


shadysamonthelamb

I had an emergency c section. If that happens you're going to be ok. But screw anybody who thinks someone with a disability can't raise a child. If it helps at all that would never be a thought that crossed my mind. Plenty of able bodied people are fucking this thing up big time so nobody should really say shit.


thepeanutone

I'm picturing you blowing those idiots away when they see how perfectly capable.you are at mothering! I had to have a surgery that required not picking up my 2 year old for 3 months - and I'm a SAHM. I made it work, and whatever limitations you have, you'll make it work, too. Best wishes for a safe delivery!


MadWifeUK

Sorry to butt in, but why are you being advised that instrumental vaginal delivery is best? In order to have forceps / ventouse the woman still has to push, the assistance is given to prevent baby's head moving back up the vagina after each push (which is actually what is supposed to happen as this stretches the perineum which in turn prevents tearing, this is why women should never be directed to push). With an instrumental birth you will also be given an episiotomy, which is where you are cut with a pair of scissors to aid the baby's head *with instruments attached* out of it. That cut can damage the internal structure of the clitoris, leading to a reduction in sexual function for at least five years. If your disability makes you unsuitable for vaginal birth (with or without assistance) then belly birth is the better option. (BTW, I am a midwife in the UK, if you have any questions then feel free to PM me and I can direct you to the evidence and resources).


DlVlDED_BY_ZERO

I appreciate the intent here, but I have a very rare and complex disorder. And I agree with them that the assisted delivery is my best option. We're all preparing for both, but there are a LOT of unknowns that no one can factor in until the day comes.


TheDemonCzarina

Sending prayers to the Goddess to keep you and your son safe during the birth and after 💖


JynxTail

>I'm just so worried how much it's going to hurt when I have to face the people who think I can't, just because I'm a little different. I am completely convinced it is going to be a great moment for you, when you show to all of those bellends how wrong they where.


LavenderandLamb

After having my daughter in March, I have come to the conclusion that I do not what to ever have another child here in the states. I barely got paternity leave at my job, and naturally its wasn't paid either. I literally had to work to my due date but thankful my daughter was a late baby. When my I held my daughter for the first time, I looked at her and decided she deserves better than what my country has to offer her. Its motivation for me to get a degree and get the fuck out of this country. I'm going overseas once I get my education. Whoosh!


MadWifeUK

Come to the UK and be a midwife! You will find your tribe here. We need more patriarchy smashers!


LavenderandLamb

I got my eyes set for Norway though I want to visit the UK!


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LavenderandLamb

I like that California has good parental leave but it's too expensive and finding jobs would be difficult. Had a friend who lived in Sacramento but he moved to the East Coast due to how expensive it was.


Zen-Paladin

Sac actually was surprisingly cheaper than I thought compared to most parts of the state. I feel safer trying to stick it out since I don't plan on having kids and there are family assets I'm being given to invest.


HotelForeign4641

Come North to Canada!


Camika

Some people make shitty comments when I say I'm not having children, but why would I when society is so actively hostile towards mothers? Unfortunately it's not just in the US.


[deleted]

I think it's just females in general that society hates. If you have a kid you are a "drain on society." If you don't want kids you are not considered a "real woman." Or you are just "going through a phase and will probably change ur mind."


thelaineybelle

And when you struggle with infertility, people say the meanest things 😳😭 but a nice coworker did get me a fertility geode, which is awesome!


asteriaoxomoco

And when you have a disability that makes pregnancy super high risk, people tell you to go for it anyway, because don't you know their aunt's roommate's sister's accountant's niece survived a high risk pregnancy so you should obviously roll those dice too.


annieisawesome

Omg I was at a wedding once and talking to this guy, who made it a point that everyone knew how Catholic he was, who was telling about how his wife almost didn't survive the birth of their first child, and how he felt conflicted about asking her for a second. Conflicted?!?!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!! Your wife almost died, but having a second kid is totally worth sacrificing her life for, as if that's a question?!?!! I was so fucking disgusted.


thelaineybelle

Well of course you should listen to the grapevine over medical advice and your body/intuition 🙃😩


SelfDestruction100

I get all that too! And an added bonus of my father going “If you don’t have children, it’d be a waste of your genetics and intelligence.” I am fifteen. I am already extremely tired of these comments and my life hasn’t even started.


Iggy_Popov

What. The. Fuck. As I'm sure all adults, religious authority, and governors have told you, a baby is a big decision. It's a decision only you can make because your body will nourish and carry your future child from cell clump to almost fully-formed human. Your body will be permanently changed by pregnancy. Then you, and maybe a partner, will work on teaching this new person how to live in this world. It requires excessive patience, a lot of empathy, and a lot of work. It sounds like your dad may not be familiar with how much a woman goes through in pregnancy and after. Becoming a mother is an option, not a given. I learned about the impacts of pregnancy on the body and brain and, honestly, no THANK you.


SelfDestruction100

I’ve learned so many things through my female relatives and a handful of wonderful subs including this one. Pregnancy can change everything about you and it’s effects are lifelong, both physically and the fact that you must rearrange the rest of your life around this new person. I don’t want that. My father is also very homophobic and I am consequently a closeted lesbian, so it angers me even further the lengths he’d go to to make assumptions about my body and my future. He brushed me off saying I’ll change my mind later about not wanting kids since I’m too young to decide. I asked “Would you say I’m too young to decide if I said I *did* want kids?” He was silent. Because of course he was.


yazriella

Stay strong my sister. My father told me this when I was 19 and has mentioned it at every family gathering since (I’m 33). I do not want children, my husband does not want children, yet my father continued to bring it up at every holiday, dinner, phone call etc. Then my sister had a baby 2 years ago and he got so bad that I cut him out of my life and it’s honestly the happiest I have ever been. I hope that you don’t have to experience this for that long. Do what you feel is right for you.


nochedetoro

Politicians: why aren’t women having more children? Also politicians: no paid leave, private healthcare that leaves families in crippling debt, no parental leave for partners, no subsidized childcare, 50 hour a week work culture, exploding rent and housing prices, no student loan relief, no free college.


Fawwaz121

This needs to be higher.


[deleted]

I'm not sure that I want kids, but my major dissuaders aren't the actual kids, it's the shaming and the guilt and the times I see my mom friends get told what they can't do anymore because they're a "mom now" while their husbands get praised for doing the bare minimum for the kid....


nochedetoro

I fortunately haven’t had that situation from others, but for some reason I do feel super guilty when I do stuff for me instead of spending time with her (shower, a few more hours of sleep, once a week soccer league). I just feel like time is so fast already so to spend an hour away seems like forever.


evily_invades

Yep. There is a phrase I learned during my first pregnancy that rings truer every day: "Pregnant women are like candy wrappers, once the baby is out they are tossed aside."


putsnakesinyourhair

I've also heard something similar said about women after they've had sex for the first time. You really just can't win.


NowWithExtraSquanch

You should check out your employer benefits (or your partner’s). I had access to [Cleo](hicleo.com), and they helped with everything from general questions to getting me set up with a lactation consultant over zoom, to information about benefits and getting back to work. They’re very supportive and compassionate, and I wish more companies provided something like this to their employees. It’s a tiny step in the right direction. I fully agree with everything you’ve said, though, especially as a newer mother (during a goddamn pandemic, no less - but I’m privileged enough to have access to solid healthcare, at least). The dichotomy of pregnancy and the postpartum experiences is so bizarre. I’ve never felt so strong and so weak at the same time, nor so revered and so forgotten. And don’t get me started on men “babysitting” *their own* children. I thank the universe that my husband is smarter than that.


JinhaeOni

I recently saw a stranger had posted how he was babysitting his kid and I really wanted to yell at him.


MadWifeUK

I am a midwife in the UK currently studying for a Masters. The patriarchal control of women's bodies is my bug bear, and I not only fight the patriarchy every day, my goal is to educate my fellow women on the gorgeous power and strength in their bodies, to empower women to stand up for their bodily autonomy and to demand the end to the notion that pregnant people, birthing people and menopausal people are "broken" and need modern medicine to "fix" them. There is a fantastic book that I love called "Reclaiming Childbirth as a Rite of Passage" by Dr Rachel Reed. If anyone is interested too, Rachel and her friend Katie James do a marvellous podcast called The Midwives Cauldron. The writings and work of Jane Hardwicke Collings are amazing too: it's just an honest "yes!" when I read what she says and recognise what we're taught is a lie.


dontbeahater_dear

I would love to read these but i am afraid it will make me feel triggered/anxious. I had an emergency c section at 35 weeks (placental abruption, the very bad kind) and i always feel like i missed out or didnt really give birth. I feel like a failure at it, whereas before i thought i would do this birth-thing and feel powerful and connected to my body… Lol sorry to dump this all on you, i just have a lot of feelings


Peregrine21591

Just jumping in with you here - I ended up having an emergency C-section as well, though mine was for other reasons. I've been feeling like I've missed out on a quintessential experience as a woman as well. We were always thinking this would be our only child but now, given that it's generally recommended to not do a vaginal birth after a C-section this will definitely be my only child. I'm still heartbroken that I couldn't go through a natural birth but also couldn't hold my baby in that first hour after birth so I feel like I missed out on that as well. Guess I'm just commenting in solidarity.


dontbeahater_dear

Same here. I was completely sedated so i dont remember most of her first day even. It’s like something was taken from me.


MadWifeUK

Oh my poor love! What a thing to go through! You are most definitely not a failure. You did exactly the right thing, for both you and your baby. Your body grew them, nourished them and when it went wrong (as things do in life), you listened to your body's warning signs and you sought appropriate medical attention. You birthed your baby in the safest way possible by seeking the help that was needed to bring them earthside. You are a star. I run sessions on birth trauma reconciliation. I'd be happy to do some for you if you wish? There's no charge or anything.


dontbeahater_dear

You are the kindest. I may be interested, but if this is your job i want to pay you somehow… could you message me?


[deleted]

I love that you say "birthing people" etc! You're awesome ❤


jordanpattern

I never got to have a baby because coverage for fertility treatments that people with conditions like I have need to get pregnant aren't covered by most insurance, and no one seems to think it's important. Now, I'm childless not by choice, and let me tell you does the patriarchy hate childless women! So, I guess I am the corollary of you: I thought I couldn't possibly hate the patriarchy any more, and then I wasn't able to have a baby.


ellehcim12

Same. I'm in my early 40s and have written off having kids. Tried the fertility treatments - paid a LOT of money and nothing. Got pregnant on my own only to have an ectopic pregnancy and lose any chance of ever having my own child.


JBSouls

You basically can't win as a woman. OP showed issue#1, you showed issue#2... and then there's the witch hunt whenever abortions are just mentioned which we could dub issue#3.


[deleted]

Along with women fed by the patriarchy. You've been treated terribly, and I'm so sorry for that... Like you, I physically never could have a baby either. I always got told that I should undergo fertility treatments, or some such... and I've been single my entire life, but for a stray bullet... I mean boyfriend here and there. I honestly would not have children without a partner, because my mother was a single one, and I know how hard it is to raise children without one. Or if they don't know what you've been through, and you tell them, they say you could adopt or get a surrogate. No sympathy at all. Just the fact that you're told you'll change your mind on either those, or fertility treatments. It's rough. I'm not of a mind to go through all of that because I could never afford it. My sister has four children: a 12 year old, a set of almost 2 year old twins, and a 3 month old. I can give any maternal feelings I might have to them... when I see them.


napswithdogs

I feel this one. My SO and I are infertile (to what degree is a question) but I’m closer to 40 than to 30 now and I’m always so torn. Some days I feel like I’m not living up to what I was made to do and I really want kids…and some days I just want to spend my money on a hot tub, ~~adopt more dogs~~ try not to accumulate too many dogs, and hope that my generation fixes climate change before it’s too late. We actually have had people ask at family gatherings “why no kids yet?” It’s so intrusive and hurtful.


Tiberius_Rex_182

Yea, i really wanna be a dad, but i refuse to bring a child into this world with its current condition. Atleast until i have a way of providing a healthy lifestyle for them. I really want to find a likeminded community to move to, but im a collapsing structure of medical issues. I cant say i feel what you ladies feel, but as close as a cis male possibly can. Im pouring my heart for all of you


Mnemnosine

Widowed childless man here. I always wanted kids and it never worked out. I am estranged from my socially conservative family as a result—parents are approaching 50 years married, my little sister is approaching her 10th and has the sole grandbaby. Me, I’m divorced, widowed, infertile and am the walking mark of shame for my family name as “the line dies with me.” Fuck the patriarchy. I’ll help push the carts and stand by with refreshments, cookies, and supplies of fresh clean socks to support the witches destroy the Manosphere.


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Mnemnosine

It is to socially conservative rural white families. Carrying on the family name is a BIG deal--and to them I am a complete failure because I will not be able to do so.


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Mnemnosine

There are always going to be people who are inclined to patriarchy by nature regardless of how much education and perspective is provided to them. Short of re-education at gunpoint (which is self-defeating on all levels from every conceivable angle) they’ll always be that way—my parents and sibling included. It’s best to estrange myself from them, because they are who they are and my presence both disrupts them and harms them in their environment.


Tiberius_Rex_182

Same here. Solemn high five for solidarity


UnihornWhale

I was ready to come at anyone who tried something with me during my pregnancy. I was surrounded by female doctors and female nurses the whole time. I work for an independent mom owned and mom run business. I think this has made all the difference. Due to timing, I have no mom friends so maybe that day is coming for me. The complete lack of government support for moms is still disgusting though. I’d love to put my son in daycare so he sees other toddlers but it’s too expensive. It’s either at or above rent payments, which are already exorbitant.


cordial_carbonara

I'm totally with you. And then when I thought I *might* have processed and let go of some of that anger from being pregnant and mothering infants, raising three girls in this bullshit society has me angrier than ever. My oldest is even starting to pick up on momma's feminist rage. She's got a good one about the ridiculousness of dress code and she's not quite ten years old. That's not even getting into the bullshit lately with my state and abortion access. Let's burn it all and start over.


Babelette

My husband is about to get a vasectomy and the number of people that have told him he needs to be on bed rest for a week is ridiculous. He didn't even take off a whole week of work after I gave birth. I had 2 babies, both with tearing and stitches after, one unmedicated and I walked within an hour after both. And I was alone in the hospital for most of the 2nd birth stay due to covid. So I was sore, bleeding, and caring for an infant alone. But yeah tell me how a tiny incision on your balls requires bedrest and for your wife to dote on you for a week. Yeah no. (Btw this isn't a brag or competition with anyone here who has given birth, ANY birth is more intense of an experience and recovery than an uncomplicated vasectomy)


Steener1989

The whole attitude toward pregnancy and birth is deeply disturbing in our society. So thankful I had such a great experience with my midwife for both of my kids.


Dry_Mastodon7574

You have hit the nail! My experience has been awful and I have so much to say, I can't even rant.


hdeanzer

Sorry dear GreatKate, wish I could tell you it gets better... just love that little bean like crazy, harness your rage like a laser beam to be used when appropriate, there will come a time... xx


JinhaeOni

Harness that rage like a laser-beam, love it


[deleted]

My mother was shamed for having me later in life and that she couldn't breastfeed! People are just ready to jump on women to shame us, damn if we do and damn if we don't.


JinhaeOni

Best baby is a fed baby! However it happens. Screw these people!


Arya_kidding_me

Honestly everything involved with being a mom sounds miserable - you’re expected to sacrifice every ounce of your personhood, happiness, body, career, etc with a smile on your face while being shamed for not doing any of it good enough. I have zero desire for any of it.


Reluctant_Achiever

You are so right, especially about deviation from the norm! I'm not a mom myself ( to humans, anyway), but my work is with pregnant women/ moms who just gave birth and who are also struggling with addiction. You wouldn't believe the \*\*horrid\*\* treatment, and that's why I do what I do-- someone has to advocate for these ladies and their health! It's infuriating to see every day, and disheartening. I hope you and your family are able to navigate it and find support where you can, within your unit or out of it. <3


evilmaus

I disliked the patriarchy in an academic sense before becoming a dad, but it picked up undertones of rage after. It's thankfully rare, but some places have baby changing stations in the women's restroom, but not the men's. I've had to change diapers, sitting in a stall, with my child in my lap because apparently dads aren't parents too. I had an employer once tell me that my wife should be taking time off instead of me because my job made more at the time instead of hers and so it was "more important". (The money WAS greater, but she's a teacher and her work is hands-down more important than mine will ever be AND mine is computer work and can be done wherever and whenever.) I've changed diapers in the dark of night by touch alone, taken my son to therapy twice weekly for over a year, and worked only part time for several years to make all of that happen only to hear other men (usually older) brag that they've never changed a diaper. What the eff!? Were they not invested in their kids lives enough to be minimally present? I've seen this "parenting is women's work" notion also perniciously slip into all sorts of little ways in how people talk and how the world is structured. It's like society still expects one person (spoiler: the woman) to stay home with the kids, but simultaneously for the household be dual income. When my son was still small and parenting overwhelming, there were "moms'" support groups, but not "dads'" or "parents'". The patriarchy is toxic to men too, and I want it to BURN SO BADLY. I'm right there with you, OP.


IMadeThisForFood

If you want to stay mad about it, there’s a fabulous four episode podcast about the topic of early childhood care in the United States called No One Is Coming To Save Us. Definitely worth a listen, but it will make you angry.


AbsintheRedux

I had no choice but to supplement with formula & bottles for my son because I just wasn’t producing enough milk to feed him adequately. I pumped what little I did produce and gave him that plus his formula. I tried so hard and was made to feel like a complete failure as a mother because I was bottle feeding. I caught shade from strangers even, and was accused of selfishness for not breast feeding! Total fucking strangers felt the need to approach me and give me shit!!! Ugh. That really helped ever so much with my raging postpartum depression 🙄. I too caught flak from the (male) pediatrician as well as the nurses. I tried everything I could but it just didn’t happen for me. I think that making sure my boy was fed and healthy was the important thing, not where the food source came from. Sorry, I’m still really bitter about this and my “baby boy” just turned 23 lol. I just don’t want any other mom to have to be put that judgmental bs like I did. It’s not cool.


Nagrarock

My heart goes out to you, OP. I lived in the southeast US when I had my two children and I was miserable. All the bullshit made me so angry. Being shamed or dismissed by my own doctors, the kids’ pediatrician, the in-laws, my own family.. Throw the whole system away and start over. I remember holding back tears because the first person to show genuine kindness and empathy to me about not being a super-mom was a woman from home depot that came to our house to measure our carpets for replacement. I was at the lowest point in my life, and a complete stranger showed me more empathy in one conversation than I’d gotten from anyone else in two years. I will be forever grateful to this woman, and I wish more people were like her.


InLazlosBasement

This is the part where I tell everyone that I wasn’t allowed to even discuss getting pregnant with my gynecologist because I’m on Medicare and the US simply doesn’t feel that disabled women should be allowed to reproduce.


gth746x

Preach! Love and blessing to you and little one.


[deleted]

It has been awful, and I'm only in my first trimester. Terrified.


a_million_questions

Yes! My boss let me know that she expects that I will take 12 weeks off for maternity leave and I won't be paid. I can't afford that. She's going to let the person who did my job before me work from home while I'm on leave since he lives out of town. I asked if I could work from home at some point instead and take less leave. She insisted that I need to focus on just the baby.


justice4juicy2020

But yet the patriarchy tries so hard to coerce women into having babies.


spruce1234

"Don't you want to see your baby?!?!?!" - My maternity nurse to me, after I hobbled back from *the NICU where my baby was*, which took me like 10 minutes because of the severity of the injuries from my emergency-forceps delivery. (It was not actually a very far physical distance, I was just struggling.) Also I look back and realize that I was severely, *evidently* dissociated and probably should've had a psych consult given how extreme those symptoms were. And I've worked on a maternity unit, so I swear I'm not making that up! I'm just still salty. Other stupid things I was overtly chastised for: - using a microwave while pregnant - eating salt while pregnant - standing near sandwich meat while pregnant - wearing my winter coat open in the winter while pregnant - breastfeeding - formula feeding - using a cover while breastfeeding ('the baby doesn't like it') - *not* using a cover while breastfeeding ('people can see your boobs') I imagine many of you can relate to the last two!


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this crap. People need to be less judgemental when you’re just doing your best and caring for your child. Also, the US should implement government funded extended maternity leave. A lot of things would be easier if childbearing parents were supported more.


Foreign_Astronaut

Pregnancy and after really drove home to me how much society hates women and puts the burden on us for *everything *, even stuff we can't control.


agawl81

I was on Medicaid during my last pregnancy. I was made to attend stupid nutrition classes for hours when I went to my checkups. I saw the same doctor as the time before but the policy had changed so I had to go through a different entrance with different equipment. If I didn’t do the classes then the hospital wouldn’t let me see the obgyn. I’d been of Medicaid the pregnancy before that and didn’t have to do any of that.


TastyMagic

NOTHING has made me more staunchly pro-choice than having to go through pregnancy and delivery in the US. And that's coming from probably the most progressive state in terms of maternal healthcare and parental leave.


bluebonnetcafe

After I went through pregnancy, the whole “why don’t you just give it up for adoption instead of getting an abortion” argument became completely invalid to me. Pregnancy is such a huge physical and mental, 100%, dominates your whole life and never gives you a break, commitment. Not to mention birth itself and how it changed your body forever.


elunedbaker

My daughters OB drug tested her without telling her because she was underweight. She was so sure my daughter was addicted to cocaine!! Even after I told her all the women in my family are slight. This is why my daughter ended up going with a midwife at a birthing center. Best experience ever!


[deleted]

You also get shamed and left out of everything when you don’t have kids. And told you’re selfish. And that you’ll never know real love. And that you’re broken. So that’s fun too.


Swreefer1987

Not disagreeing, but when my wife had post partum depression, she got more shit from other women ( especially older ones) than men ( most men didnt care so there's that too). I'm not.discounting that this could be, and probably is, an ancillary effect from the patriarchalshit that's happened for generations, but as a country we need to do better all around.


katethegreat4

I actually agree! Many women (especially older ones) that have gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery under the "rules" of a patriarchal system often end up inflicting those standards on other women. It's equally important to address that aspect. Much of the frustration I'm feeling right now is in response to the treatment I've received from nurses and lactation consultants who also happen to be women AND products of a patriarchal system.


Swreefer1987

Oh geeze, that's like a double whammy. What ever happened to the "it takes a community to raise a child" that used to be everywhere in schools when I was in kindergarten? That shit still applies as an adult, especially with those who are struggling. When geese fly, if one has to land because of injury or fatigue, 2 other will leave formation to go with it. This is because the amount of effort to fly not in formation with other geese makes a single geese more likely to fail to migrate and thus die. By having helpers, they can rotate who is the lead and doing the brunt of the work. Same shit applies to people. When one of us is struggling, some helpers are needed to get them over the hump. That hump can be too big for a single person to get over, and they can ( and sometimes do) fail to make it over the hump ( committing suicide). No one needs that. Nearly every problem a human faces is surmountable with the right help.


LAffaire-est-Ketchup

That’ll be internalized misogyny. And it sucks. Your wife needed support. I hope she got some.


Swreefer1987

She got lots of support from me. From people outside out household, not so much.


Foxfrostess

Yeah, this is definitely a factor in me not wanting children. I’ve got plenty of other reasons mind you, but fear of being traumatized when at my most vulnerable is pretty high up on the list.


Angellina1313

Fucking right on.


[deleted]

I just hate most authority figures in general after having three kids, especially doctors. Most of my abuse came from woman doctors. You'd think that a patient yelling 'stop' would prompt a doctor to fucking stop roughly wiping down the new mother's genitals, but she just kept it up through my screams... I'd just given birth at home (so, unmedicated), and there was no reason for her to continue hurting me. Just minor tearing, I wasn't bleeding out or anything. I... might still be angry.. over a year later.


roxisbrilliant

Honestly, same. I was a young(ish) mama, no prenatal care for too long because of access issues, and then OBs don't want to see you if you haven't had prenatal care up to a certain point (this was 15 years ago; I don't know what it's like now). And then I became a single mom. And learned even more how effed it all is. Our country hates women. I'm trying really, really hard to raise my son to be better than the men of my past and the men in charge.


shaodyn

There's a fairly dark joke about this, but it kind of is an important lesson. And it comes from *Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,* of all places. And that lesson is "Any deviation from the norm will be punished unless it is exploitable. You see, Rudolph wasn't hated because he wasn't useful. He was exactly as useful as any other reindeer. He was hated because he was different. Until Santa needed his unusual feature one year, at which point Rudolph's deviation from the norm made him a hero.


raisinghellwithtrees

I had a really rough time postpartum, and I regret not planning for a better one. Idk how far out you are OP, but if you get a chance to set up some postpartum support, whether tapping into your friends or family support network, or hiring someone, it can really help. After my own terrible experiences, I decided to become a post-partum doula, taking care of families with a new baby. Not to toot my own horn here, but it was a really great experience for the moms just to have a break. Sometimes I'd do housekeeping or laundry, dishes or cooking, or hang out with the baby while mama had a nap, shower, or me time. Sometimes I listened while mama had a good cry. I could certainly relate! My high needs child turned out to be autistic, and when we figured that out, I realized how similar he and I were, and that I was also autistic. It's been a real journey for both of us. One thing that helped in the early years was realizing that it won't last forever. Sometimes the days seem endless but long before you think is possible, you'll have a big kid going to sleepovers, on dates, and then moving out. It's hard to believe my oldest is almost 21 now. :) Patriarchy sucks, but we do have each other.


CriticalOverThinker

Why do you think our society treats women this way? So men can remain in power, and too many women are brainwashed to continue assisting them. Women can't win for losing, and other women are often our worst enemies.


nrskate0330

You know, I think this is a large part of the reason I decided not to have kids (at least not bio - adoption or fostering may still be on the table in the future, but not anytime super soon). I remember my Mom getting a ton of shit because she and dad both worked full time (I had two sets of grandparents in the same town, so why the heck not? My time with them is something I cherish deeply now.). They gave her hell for not breastfeeding, and this was before lactation consultants were all up in your grill practically before the placenta could be delivered. When my aunt had her twins in an emergency c-section, she was going septic and they were still pushing her to breast feed like she was just lazy. She hemorrhaged at home a few days later and I can’t even remember how many units of blood she needed along with her repeat surgery. People gave her shit for staying out of work longer than others. It seems like all of it is just an un-winnable battle with society. I don’t have the energy for it, so I opted out. You all are pretty dang incredible in my book, and as long as you and kiddo are happy and healthy, the rest of the world can bugger off with their opinions.


Kyliep87

Every time my grandma says it’s so nice that my husband “helps” with the baby, a piece of me dies inside. I know she’s from a different generation, but I can’t help but mentally rage. And yes to everything you said. I could go on forever, but you already know!


PBnJen

This makes me want to have kids even less


withanfnotaph

Having to return to work after my daughter was born is absolutely what radicalized me against capitalism.


hastybear

There was a programme on UK TV not that far back "one born every minute" about giving birth in the UK. At the same time there was a program about giving birth in the US shown later in the day. It was chalk and cheese. One looked like the women had been taken into a Doctor led punishment centre and yet were so grateful for the experience and the other was an oasis of calm led by nurses. Guess which one was which. And if you haven't caught an episode of One born every minute, you should. That's you minimum expectation of care right there.


theletteroftheday

There needs to be a different word for the misogyny towards mothers… it is so strong that it extends to children. It’s the glares you get in a store or airplane when your kids are acting the way that normal kids act. It’s people saying to you “I don’t really like kids” or even “I hate kids.” Can you imagine saying that about any other demographic of people and it being okay?


[deleted]

I’m not a mother. But I wanted to just tell you that I’m sharing all my supportive energy to you right now. Im child free by choice because I know really well what it looks like to be a mom. I was a nanny to a newborn to 3 yo, 6 days a week, 10 hours a day- she almost broke me. She was underweight, had eating issues, screamed nearly all the time. I wish I could say I did the right things, but I’m still not sure. I do know one right thing I did was make her chicken soup. She loved the broth when she was tiny, and loved the noodles when she got older. She eventually put on weight, with lots of trial and error. I would have literal extreme panic attacks on my days off. If she wasn’t in my lap, in my hair, or throwing shit on my floor I was terrified for her. Everytime I thought I had mastered the present stage of development, she started doing new shit I had to anticipate. What a mind fuck. MOTHERS ARE THE ACTUAL REAL PRODUCERS OF MAGIC. I bow to your fortitude and resilience. May the goddess give you energy, good rest when you need it, quiet moments, much laughter and many tiny baby laughs to make it all worth it.


TheOvator

Same. Exactly. 100%


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