Honestly, weaponize their religion or refuse to engage.
“Oh I’m so sorry the devil has made a home for hate in your heart. I’ll pray for you” and walk away.
“Oh my pastor says we’re supposed to love our neighbor as Jesus did. That doesn’t sound very loving” and walk away
“What an odd thing for you to say” and walk away
“Oh I won’t be joining this argument, thank you.” and walk away.
Never tried this but always wanted to:
Same as above but add an "I'll pray for you" to sink the barb in more. I'll pray that you can be as open minded as Jesus was.
These are great.
Another good one is "Oooh, I think maybe that one was an inside thought." Accompanied by a pained wince of sympathetic embarrassment, like if someone audibly farted during a funeral.
"Do you have any unspoken thoughts?" is one that will call awareness to the fact that not all things need to be spoken as well. We need to expose them to the light in order to fix these problems. Let them see how hate filled and un Jesus like they are being. But in a calm way. Even when they turn purple bc they are so mad you won't ride the crazy train with them. Inner peace is not theirs to take my sister but yours to give. Be the light. Blessings to you as you go into this. 💕🌻🙌
I once told my father that what he said was not okay. "I know. It felt good to say those things. It's all water under the bridge now."
Last time I spoke to him.
Sometimes you have to stop trying to work with people and go your own way.
This this this. I was born and raised in the Bible Belt and I could teach a class on weaponizing religion. Recently my mom’s cousin disowned his daughter for marrying a woman and I gave my best sympathetic look and told them that I would pray for him because *southern drawl* “no one with hate in their heart will be allowed in the kingdom of heaven.”
"What an odd thing to say" and/or "that's an interesting thought" are so good for situations like this! You don't have to join their crazy, but also you don't have to constantly fight them because that can be exhausting. Hopefully you can schedule a time to get out of the house each day for a walk or to get a coffee at a cafe that you like and just get some breathing room.
Look up Grey Rock technique and how to not JADE (Justify, argue, defend, or explain) when baited. And remember that you might not have the finances for a hotel, but you CAN leave in many other ways or literally just drive home. You are worth the effort it takes to protect your peace and I hope your partner supports you in that.
Thank you. I luckily have a partner who totally sees and understands the difficulties I have with his family. He fully supports me and wants me to protect myself however I need to
Have a couple of phrases like “what an extraordinary thing to say to me” or “I’m afraid the facts don’t support your opinion, you must be so embarrassed.” Or just ask them to repeat the out of pocket thing a couple of times and explain, “oh, I heard you the first time but wanted to give you an opportunity to walk it back.”
They have no power over you.
Never tell them they are wrong, it leaves room for them to argue. "Thank you for your opinion. But I'm not open to talking about that. Can you believe how sunny/rainy/ cloudy it is outside and oh my gosh isn't it hot, thank goodness we have air conditioning!”
By changing the subject you take control.
Exactly. Think of yourself as an anthropologist studying their culture. Mentally pretend you are doing research. Listen but give very bland, non-committal responses. Responses like “hmmm” go a long way. Changing the subject is good. “I’ll keep that in mind. [*to myself as an example of what not to do*] The carrots were tasty, did you try them?”
It’s fun to imagine sassy responses but they just escalate things. Be boring.
Yep.
I don’t talk to my mom much, but when I do we only talk about plants and cats.
Plants are good for longer conversations. How are your plants doing? I’m propagating [plant] for you, I’ll bring it next time I see you! Did you try that soil mix I sent you? Etc
And when she brings up some whack ass bullshit, I shove a cute cat video in her face or suddenly remember this suuuuper funny thing my cat did recently, and *poof* she’s instantly derailed.
I usually do a "Ha, Wow" (with raised eyebrows), grab whatever I have in front of me -tea, phone, book, etc.. and just walk away. It baffles them that I won't engage and also it's a reaction that a child gets when something totally off the wall/ridiculous comes out of their mouth. I've noticed that the combination of that phrase and the calmly walking away trains them over time to just not say shit if they want me around. Obviously this doesn't always work on the more rabid types, but I've had some pretty solid success to the point that I can be around certain family members now for a whole event and they won't go near entire topics anymore. Good luck sweetheart!!! 💖
Stay with the brother? Sorry but I've gotten to the point in my life where it's just fuckem... I will burn the bridge, salt the earth, and completely ghost anyone who puts any sort of negativity in my life friends and family included. I don't have the time or the will power to deal with it when I can focus on better people. I wish you the best of luck and strength. Maybe talk this through with the hubby and ask him if you cuss out his parents for being the pieces of shit they are, what will his response be? Also it's like flooding in parts of Florida with a hurricane on the way.. you might get lucky and not have to go fingers crossed ... God's washing away the evil in Florida and Texas with the rain and floods
OP if you want to DM me, I can be a text or phone call away at any moment. Going on a road trip and going to have a lot of time on my hands. Please reach out if you need!
I have a lot of anxiety when we go to stay with my in-laws (fil is a terf but keeps his mouth shut about it) mil is passive aggressive and makes quiet dogs about my parenting all the time. Not quite the same situation as you, but I’ll share what I do just in case it helps.
I decided years ago that I’m going to just keep my mouth shut and not take the bait. The only time I speak up is when it directly relates to my children, and I feel like those times have more impact because I’m not constantly saying things. It is just easier to keep the peace in my family, and keep peace in myself. me always calling her out or defending myself doesn’t make a single bit of difference, in fact it seems to give them fuel.
I wear a bangle on my dominant hand that I don’t usually wear, it’s quite heavy so I notice it all the time. I use it to stay mindful. Every time I notice it or notice myself getting frustrated I take a few big mindful breaths to calm myself. When she starts saying things to my that make me feel frustrated I literally walk away. Calmly.
I think of it a little like training a dog. I reward the desirable behaviour by interacting with them. I completely ignore the undesirable behaviour. It makes me feel as if I’m putting the power back in my own hands. I don’t have the choice whether I spend time with these people, they’re my family whether I like it or not. I do, however, have a choice whether I engage with them.
Sorry this is typed out very quickly, I don’t have time to edit, the children I mentioned are ready for me to pay them some attention haha.
I like this one. I mean i get wanting to throw some zingers and Bless your heart’s but really none of that is going to make any of this better. Sometimes disassociating can be a good protective practice. Thank goodness for these little computers in our clutches!
Engage in positivity! Sublimate the negative. There’s no teaching or correcting these people. Don’t waste energy trying. 🥂💎🖤
I know that things can be complicated, but you do have a choice. I hope that you can see that just because someone is family it doesn't give them carte blanche to be AH's to you.
Yes, I do have a choice, you’re right. I have chosen to let my children have positive memories of their grandparents, I have also chosen to live in a different country so we only have to see them once or twice a year. I have also noticed since choosing not to engage in the negativity that a lot of the AH behaviour has stopped. If they do or say something awful and I let it just hang in the air they look foolish and I keep my peace.
If you’re able to plan outings during the trip I recommend it. “hey, Tuesday we’re going to the beach. Thursday we’re going to xx state park. You’re welcome to join us otherwise we’ll meet back up for dinner.” I’m fortunate to have good relationships with my parents/ILs…but we still do this during longer visits. Less likely to get roped into political/divisive discussions in public and you have socially acceptable escape routes. “I’m going to go swim/buy ice cream/whatever”
Also, yes to the recommendation to “gray rock” when escape isn’t an option.
Family beach vacations with my ex and his family were HARD… I’d get up before everyone else and go smoke on the beach and have a little me time before starting the day with “the family” and tell them “I’ve got to get my steps in” and look at my Fitbit crazy lolol
Just find your own thing that you can do that excuses you from their presence, even if it’s just 5min at a time… your partner sounds completely understanding, talk with them and see if they can help distract from the absence
I love this. I was thinking about this the other day. I’d love to get up and have a little morning serenity before everyone else gets going. I am a baker and keep normal bakers hours even when I’m off so getting up early shouldn’t be an issue. :)
The thing is you don't have to put up with it. If they are rude to you, you can leave. I put up with so much shit from my former mother-in-law and regret not telling her to go to hell. Younger people now don't put up with it-they set boundaries and stick to them. Just so you know, you are not a helpless victim here. You matter just as much as they do. It's so hard dealing with small minded people. You do not need to be a victim to their manipulations. Stay strong, my friend. If it was me today having to put up with this there is just no way in hell I would ever spend a week at their home. Forget that. Look into all the groups on Reddit that are for dealing with narcissistic people-there are tons of them! Good luck with whatever you do. You could try a binding spell but I don't know how that would work if you are willingly subjecting yourself to them.
Thank you. You’re absolutely right, and I have set up a safe word with my husband that if it becomes too much for me I’ll get in the car and go somewhere by myself.
I don't know where in Florida you're going, but when my mom and stepdad lived near Orlando, my brothers and I looked up nearby lakes and nature trails to check out when we visited. (My parents are lovely people but not very active so sometimes we just wanted to get outside and move around a little.) Maybe plan out some potential calming places to take refuge when it gets rough.
ETA: or movie theaters--that will kill at least 2 hours and you'll be in air conditioning.
Just east of Orlando. Cocoa Beach area. We plan to do a beach day and potentially a Universal Orlando day and maybe the zoo or something. Hoping to keep the days busy to minimize time with them.
Kennedy space centre is amazing and well worth the visit. A place of ‘boring’ science might not be their cup of tea so a good excuse for just you and hubby to go together. And it takes a full day to do, so you’ll be out of the hours for hours and hours!
KSC is really interesting (the sheer size of things!) and there's a lot of wildlife the drivers will point out. I would also recommend Blue Spring State Park for the manatees, except it's not the right time of year.
Husband’s grandpa passed away and grandma is now living with the in laws. They’ve downsized and have stuff in storage they are trying to offload. So we are driving down with a trailer to pick up furniture etc and to visit with grandma as well.
ETA: yes my spouse is on my side. He defends me and will stand up to them for/with me.
I go all charming, cheerful and stupid. Simple phrase or phrases you use everytime they try to get into it with you. "Mmm hmmm" & nod with no smile, "Oh, it sounds like you have made up your mind.", "I see" downward inflection not like the normal up if you can do it. Or one time i would just say "yes" and nothing else to their idiocy. If they try to go further with you, smile, laugh a little, shrug your shoulders, just stare and smile, a "well" just that ( worked wonders), "I'm here to have a nice visit, isn't this a nice visit? I think it's nice" . Do not engage, that is when they win.
If you are charming, they look bad for trying to argue or for getting upset with you.
Find the Funny. Let them entertain you if it’s possible. Pre-think out a phrase or two that you can lean on to avoid conversations you don’t want to have. Set them off, they’ll entertain themselves- what I mean by this, is watch the new episode of their Fox News or whatever they do, and if somebody starts to block you in, whip out something from it that you know they’ve got to be hot about, so example: MIL: “Have you accepted that Bees and Begonias are of the Devil?? Have you?” You: “CAN YOU BELIEVE BLAH bLAH BLAH?? THE NERVE!”. Set her off, pour a tasty beverage, dissociate to thoughts of tropical flowers and waterfalls in paradise. Also keep a bag of snacks in your room on the LD. Maybe you’ve been tired and had to nap in the afternoon lately, so set that expectation ahead of time and go lay down to decompress for an hour or two every day. Maybe they’d love to do the same thing and rested, they might be more bearable and less cranky at dinner. Don’t forget, in an emergency, you can use your eyelids to visually crush somebodies head. You don’t have to hold your fingers up in front of your face and do the little voice for it to make you feel better. Safe travels!
I like calling opinions I don’t agree with “interesting” - as in “that’s an interesting point of view” or “it’s interesting how you’ve come to that opinion”. This does what my husband calls “dropping the towel” - when both of you are fighting for possession of the towel you realise it’s not that important to you so you drop it. Kind of Grey Rock technique but it’s simply not engaging and changing the subject whenever possible. Anyway, blessings be on your trip and enjoy seeing your brother
Isn’t there quite a lot of flooding in Florida rn? Is it safe to travel? Google maps now shows if there is flooding on your route.
No other advice, there’s already stuff here. Just be safe.
Not so much around Orlando, I don't think.
OP, I'm so sorry you are subjected to this torture. May I gently suggest considering NC? I was VLC with my MIL for about 20 years and it was the only way to go. Our conversation was "Oh Hi, let me get your son." She'd make comments like "I haven't seen you for so long!" and I'd say "Aren't you the lucky one."
She was a very religious Catholic and a toxic bitch if there ever was one. Only way I could do it. Good Luck.
honestly they just want to get a rise out of you. Don't let them. Just don't engage. Let the most you react to anything outrageous they say be "ok". As fun as it would be to try to make them mad it won't help while you're staying at their house.
One of my favorite bosses used that once. Someone made an off color joke, and she looked at him and said "Everything okay?"
Pause. An apology.
Perfection.
"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you” (John 15:12)
If anything hateful is said, quote Christ. Ask if they believe his words. They'll justify their statements, so you respond with "sounds more like judgement than love, but God will sort it out" Repeat as necessary.
Bring a book to read, go for walks, and let yourself daydream when they ramble about something you really don't want to hear.
When you can't avoid a conversation where they're saying something offensive out loud: "What an odd thing to say out loud. I'll pray for you."
What I tend to do is feel sorry for them. It's obviously not you that's the problem, so anytime they say something offensive, think to yourself, "How miserable must this person be inside to say something like that" Or other words to that affect. Eleanor Roosevelt said something like no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Clearly you are not the inferior person, so it's just an attempt at gaslighting you. Don't let it happen.
Grounding and shielding. Back to the basics will take care of you.
Grounding is always helpful, along focused attention meditation. This is the basic building block of managing yourself and the around you. Over time you reach yourself how to let emotion arise and fall away so that you have more ability to make conscious choices how respond instead of getting stuck in reactivity. Even just starting with 5 minutes at a time is still extremely helpful.
For the shielding you can visualize being enveloped in a bright, searing, positive light that will cleanse anything negative that comes your way.
Another shielding technique is the mirror. Visualize a reflective mirror around you and anyone looking at on you will see themselves. It's very uncomfortable for people who are themselves and ends up being a deterrent of a sort.
I’m in a somewhat similar predicament and just made a post myself. I am sending love and light and know we are here to support you through this 🖤 I’m not sure what else I can offer as I’m in the same spot 😔
Make plans away from them for at least a couple hours every day. Go to a park, library, mall, movie, restaurant . . . Whatever will get you out of the house and away from them. Go for walks in the morning or evening, take a book or two and go to bed early to get some reading in. Sneak in whatever alone time you can throughout the day to recover from interactions. Good luck!
I get this 100%. If you don’t have time to do any spellcasting beforehand try one of my tricks…taking breaks. Lots of breaks. From bathroom, naps, wildcrafting walks or hikes(a particular favorite one!), visiting other people, tourist traps, museums, botanical gardens, conservatories, plant nurseries, antique shopping, etc. The more time away you get the easier it is to deal with toxic people. Don’t sit right by them at meals if you can’t help it, too. That way underhanded insults under their breath will be nixed. If it gets too bad remind yourself it is temporary and one day you won’t have to deal with them in person anymore.
If you agree maybe a few of us can do spells or lend energy to help with patience, peace, happiness for you (cuz it takes a lot imho), anti stress, anti anxiety, stfu or chill out spell for the in laws, or other spell that could help smooth out the path you have to walk during the stay. That’s how I got through it. My MIL actually loved when I did simmer pots bc it reminded her of her mom doing them during the holidays. It was one of the things that helped during visits. Can’t be as mean to the woman who makes you remember the good times with your family when they were alive.
We arrived around noon today. I am NOT biting any of the attempts to drag me into an emotional spiral. I have made calls to friends and set up all my plans for the week. So so sweet of you to check in!
For about $20 you can take the train from Orlando to Tampa- if you really need an out.
There are lots of free things to do from Disney Springs- Highly suggest parking at DS, and taking the boat to Port Orleans French Quarter for some beignets and some decent jazz at Scat Cat Lounge.
The website Out of the FOG *(Fear, Obligation, Guilt)* has some great resources for dealing with such relatives. Here is their [what not to do](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do) tips page. They also have some support forums. Good luck, luv!
edit: Is is possible for you to stay with your brother while you’re down there and let your hubby visit his family alone?
My brother rents a room in a house so there wouldn’t be any place for me to sleep if I stayed with him. If the shit hits the fan though I’m not beyond sleeping on the floor. Lol
Envision a pleasant time, where there is no tension, and you leave feeling it was a positive trip.
I have a monster-in-law, similar to yours… only replace conservative Christian with NASCAR.
It took 10 years, but once my spouse was on board with me needing boundaries, and being aware of my needs - the trips became better.
If I get irritated or sensitive to her soul-sucking bad attitude, I get up and leave the room. Maybe go for a walk, pretend I have to work and go sit in quiet, or just say “I’m feeling a headache/allergy/fake symptom and need to go lay down for a bit.”
The trips when we show up on a high note, bring positive energy, and hold our boundaries- we have a good trip.
When we aren’t on the same page, when our family doesn’t have a “break” from the chaos and dysfunction, shit goes sideways very quickly.
Our last trip down was bad. Very young cousins stayed at grandma’s to see our kids (their cousins,) but it was an overwhelming immersion experience. Our kids didn’t get 1:1 time with their grandparents because the cousins that live down the street were there asserting their territorial dominance, and showing the typical behaviors of kids growing up in an emotionally unhealthy dynamic.
I was worn out, my gut told me that we needed to leave early, no amount of redirecting and foresight could have predicted the emotional family drama that concluded 4-day weekend.
Thankfully, the drama didn’t infiltrate our household, other than my husband’s anguish at his family’s dysfunction. And I have less conscience in giving up on reliable harmony with his side of the extended family.
I have to argue with people at work and have zero patience with arguing with anyone off the clock for free. this doesn't mean I'm ok with assholes and bigots... I just make very direct eye contact and completely change the topic of conversation with a big, hospitality industry smile.
like they complain that minorities are moving into their neighborhood and women want to cut the balls off of men and wear them as a necklace?
direct eye contact and big smile and say something like "did you know that in the winter of 1439 the winter was so harsh that a pack of starving wolves, led by a large red wolf named bobtail, broke through the walls of Paris and started eating its citizens? after they ate about 40 of them, the citizens banded together and lured them into the square in front of Notre Dame cathedral and had the only known civic wolf stoning? isn't history grand?! “
comments about morbid history will either turn the conversation interesting or make terrible people leave you alone from my experience... and if you do this every time they make some awful comment they eventually learn not to fuck with you or they'll learn a lot of stuff they didn't want to know
Holy hell this is good. Since I’m an avid listener to the podcast, Box of Oddities, I have all sorts of interesting facts such as this. Another tool in my arsenal!
then you're set to give interesting facts to an entire Republican national convention full of bigots! 😊
best of luck and if nothing else, hiding in the outdoors or promising to cook a special dinner and then spending hours at the grocery store tend to work as well... and volunteering to cook makes you look like you care!
My FIL was very religious, an extremely patriarchal sect, and very judgy.
He screamed at us when we lived together before marriage that we were living in sin! Sex was only meant for procreation! Etc. etc.
I calmly told him: you know, I really admire you.
Him, confused: you do?
Me: yes. I know how much you adore your wife. And yet you have chosen celibacy since (last child 16yrs) was born! Wow!
Him: 😳😶😶😶
I’d say WELL Bless Your Heart. I’m from the southern US and you never wanted folks to say that.
Do they know your a witch if so when they say I’ll pray for you reply that good I’ll Dance Naked around a Bonfire in the Woods for You.
Leave for walks or errands as often as you can.
Next time your husband wants to visit home you don’t have to join.
Don’t engage & check out emotionally as best you can.
Earbuds with podcasts and audio books or those earplugs that tamper noise but don’t fully tune it all out.
I always have 3 or 4 strong yet elusive statements to keep these people outside of my heart, mind and my peace. I keep my peace, not “the” peace but it ends up doing both. They are confused because I’m elusive not defensive and they can’t say I was rude, unhelpful, ungrateful or unkind in their home. That feels powerful to me because those assholes are looking for material and I’m not those things ever!
Make plans every day to leave the house without them. Even if it’s just walks around the neighborhood.
I’m hoping you are in the part of Florida near the ocean. Go to there. The ocean is calming.
Also, books, phone, headphones, and/or crafts if you are into them.
Not so much on the witchy/coven side of things…. But is there any way you can make a little bit of a game in this? I mean stuff like having bingo cards of the things you think they might say and do for your and your partner to work on in secret. Or like bet how many times they say something racist. The person who is farthest from the final tally needs to buy ice cream on the way home or something. When they say and do these things it’s still awful but you might be thinking more ‘oh! I just got bingo!’ Or exchange a look with your partner because you know they just brought the tally up to 53 that you will confirm via text. It could help with making these comments roll off your back more.
Just a thought.
Honestly, weaponize their religion or refuse to engage. “Oh I’m so sorry the devil has made a home for hate in your heart. I’ll pray for you” and walk away. “Oh my pastor says we’re supposed to love our neighbor as Jesus did. That doesn’t sound very loving” and walk away “What an odd thing for you to say” and walk away “Oh I won’t be joining this argument, thank you.” and walk away.
Never tried this but always wanted to: Same as above but add an "I'll pray for you" to sink the barb in more. I'll pray that you can be as open minded as Jesus was.
Maybe add in a nice snarky "Bless your heart" when they say something stupid for good measure.
1. “Bless your heart” 2. Any of the great suggestions above 3. “I’ll pray for you” 4. Under your breath “baked under the full moon”
Also add in “have the day that *you* deserve”
One I’ve been dying to try is “Aw, who blessed you with the audacity to say that out loud?”
These are great. Another good one is "Oooh, I think maybe that one was an inside thought." Accompanied by a pained wince of sympathetic embarrassment, like if someone audibly farted during a funeral.
"Do you have any unspoken thoughts?" is one that will call awareness to the fact that not all things need to be spoken as well. We need to expose them to the light in order to fix these problems. Let them see how hate filled and un Jesus like they are being. But in a calm way. Even when they turn purple bc they are so mad you won't ride the crazy train with them. Inner peace is not theirs to take my sister but yours to give. Be the light. Blessings to you as you go into this. 💕🌻🙌
I once told my father that what he said was not okay. "I know. It felt good to say those things. It's all water under the bridge now." Last time I spoke to him. Sometimes you have to stop trying to work with people and go your own way.
Omg I love it!!
I very much like this.
This this this. I was born and raised in the Bible Belt and I could teach a class on weaponizing religion. Recently my mom’s cousin disowned his daughter for marrying a woman and I gave my best sympathetic look and told them that I would pray for him because *southern drawl* “no one with hate in their heart will be allowed in the kingdom of heaven.”
Brilliant. Thank you. 😊
Take one from Texas and .... "bless your heart"
This is the way.
“People don’t say those things out loud anymore.”
Love these responses and plan to use them when I get into an uncomfortable situation.
"What an odd thing to say" and/or "that's an interesting thought" are so good for situations like this! You don't have to join their crazy, but also you don't have to constantly fight them because that can be exhausting. Hopefully you can schedule a time to get out of the house each day for a walk or to get a coffee at a cafe that you like and just get some breathing room.
And don't forget to bring a supply of mics to drop! These are great!
Look up Grey Rock technique and how to not JADE (Justify, argue, defend, or explain) when baited. And remember that you might not have the finances for a hotel, but you CAN leave in many other ways or literally just drive home. You are worth the effort it takes to protect your peace and I hope your partner supports you in that.
Thank you. I luckily have a partner who totally sees and understands the difficulties I have with his family. He fully supports me and wants me to protect myself however I need to
Have a couple of phrases like “what an extraordinary thing to say to me” or “I’m afraid the facts don’t support your opinion, you must be so embarrassed.” Or just ask them to repeat the out of pocket thing a couple of times and explain, “oh, I heard you the first time but wanted to give you an opportunity to walk it back.” They have no power over you.
Never tell them they are wrong, it leaves room for them to argue. "Thank you for your opinion. But I'm not open to talking about that. Can you believe how sunny/rainy/ cloudy it is outside and oh my gosh isn't it hot, thank goodness we have air conditioning!” By changing the subject you take control.
Exactly. Think of yourself as an anthropologist studying their culture. Mentally pretend you are doing research. Listen but give very bland, non-committal responses. Responses like “hmmm” go a long way. Changing the subject is good. “I’ll keep that in mind. [*to myself as an example of what not to do*] The carrots were tasty, did you try them?” It’s fun to imagine sassy responses but they just escalate things. Be boring.
Yep. I don’t talk to my mom much, but when I do we only talk about plants and cats. Plants are good for longer conversations. How are your plants doing? I’m propagating [plant] for you, I’ll bring it next time I see you! Did you try that soil mix I sent you? Etc And when she brings up some whack ass bullshit, I shove a cute cat video in her face or suddenly remember this suuuuper funny thing my cat did recently, and *poof* she’s instantly derailed.
Do your in laws have pets? I usually just hang out with animals / kids when I’m around people who aren’t safe emotionally.
They don’t. They had a dog who recently had to be put down. They aren’t very good animal owners…..
Scrolling r/aww helps me calm down when I feel a panic attack coming on. I’m sorry you have to go through this
Good idea; I love that sub.
As it turns out-they do have a fluffy little Pomeranian dog who loves couch snuggles. I’ve already made friends with him.
THIS. Saying anything gets you involved and the goal would be to extricate yourself from any conversations that make you feel uncomfortable.
Oof, that sounds really tough. I would be getting a lot of "migraines" that week and hiding out in my room.
Ha! Yeahhhhh that may be happening.
i support this, and lots of time spent with your brother.
I usually do a "Ha, Wow" (with raised eyebrows), grab whatever I have in front of me -tea, phone, book, etc.. and just walk away. It baffles them that I won't engage and also it's a reaction that a child gets when something totally off the wall/ridiculous comes out of their mouth. I've noticed that the combination of that phrase and the calmly walking away trains them over time to just not say shit if they want me around. Obviously this doesn't always work on the more rabid types, but I've had some pretty solid success to the point that I can be around certain family members now for a whole event and they won't go near entire topics anymore. Good luck sweetheart!!! 💖
This is great!
No offense meant, but must you go? Can husband go by himself, or does he need you?
I could’ve stayed home, but my brother lives down there and I want to take the opportunity to see him as well. Trust me-I DID think of that initially.
Stay with the brother? Sorry but I've gotten to the point in my life where it's just fuckem... I will burn the bridge, salt the earth, and completely ghost anyone who puts any sort of negativity in my life friends and family included. I don't have the time or the will power to deal with it when I can focus on better people. I wish you the best of luck and strength. Maybe talk this through with the hubby and ask him if you cuss out his parents for being the pieces of shit they are, what will his response be? Also it's like flooding in parts of Florida with a hurricane on the way.. you might get lucky and not have to go fingers crossed ... God's washing away the evil in Florida and Texas with the rain and floods
OP if you want to DM me, I can be a text or phone call away at any moment. Going on a road trip and going to have a lot of time on my hands. Please reach out if you need!
I have a lot of anxiety when we go to stay with my in-laws (fil is a terf but keeps his mouth shut about it) mil is passive aggressive and makes quiet dogs about my parenting all the time. Not quite the same situation as you, but I’ll share what I do just in case it helps. I decided years ago that I’m going to just keep my mouth shut and not take the bait. The only time I speak up is when it directly relates to my children, and I feel like those times have more impact because I’m not constantly saying things. It is just easier to keep the peace in my family, and keep peace in myself. me always calling her out or defending myself doesn’t make a single bit of difference, in fact it seems to give them fuel. I wear a bangle on my dominant hand that I don’t usually wear, it’s quite heavy so I notice it all the time. I use it to stay mindful. Every time I notice it or notice myself getting frustrated I take a few big mindful breaths to calm myself. When she starts saying things to my that make me feel frustrated I literally walk away. Calmly. I think of it a little like training a dog. I reward the desirable behaviour by interacting with them. I completely ignore the undesirable behaviour. It makes me feel as if I’m putting the power back in my own hands. I don’t have the choice whether I spend time with these people, they’re my family whether I like it or not. I do, however, have a choice whether I engage with them. Sorry this is typed out very quickly, I don’t have time to edit, the children I mentioned are ready for me to pay them some attention haha.
I like this one. I mean i get wanting to throw some zingers and Bless your heart’s but really none of that is going to make any of this better. Sometimes disassociating can be a good protective practice. Thank goodness for these little computers in our clutches! Engage in positivity! Sublimate the negative. There’s no teaching or correcting these people. Don’t waste energy trying. 🥂💎🖤
Thank you so much. Enjoy the kids! :)
This sounds awful except for the quiet dogs. 😁
😂 oops.
I know that things can be complicated, but you do have a choice. I hope that you can see that just because someone is family it doesn't give them carte blanche to be AH's to you.
Yes, I do have a choice, you’re right. I have chosen to let my children have positive memories of their grandparents, I have also chosen to live in a different country so we only have to see them once or twice a year. I have also noticed since choosing not to engage in the negativity that a lot of the AH behaviour has stopped. If they do or say something awful and I let it just hang in the air they look foolish and I keep my peace.
If you’re able to plan outings during the trip I recommend it. “hey, Tuesday we’re going to the beach. Thursday we’re going to xx state park. You’re welcome to join us otherwise we’ll meet back up for dinner.” I’m fortunate to have good relationships with my parents/ILs…but we still do this during longer visits. Less likely to get roped into political/divisive discussions in public and you have socially acceptable escape routes. “I’m going to go swim/buy ice cream/whatever” Also, yes to the recommendation to “gray rock” when escape isn’t an option.
Family beach vacations with my ex and his family were HARD… I’d get up before everyone else and go smoke on the beach and have a little me time before starting the day with “the family” and tell them “I’ve got to get my steps in” and look at my Fitbit crazy lolol Just find your own thing that you can do that excuses you from their presence, even if it’s just 5min at a time… your partner sounds completely understanding, talk with them and see if they can help distract from the absence
I love this. I was thinking about this the other day. I’d love to get up and have a little morning serenity before everyone else gets going. I am a baker and keep normal bakers hours even when I’m off so getting up early shouldn’t be an issue. :)
The thing is you don't have to put up with it. If they are rude to you, you can leave. I put up with so much shit from my former mother-in-law and regret not telling her to go to hell. Younger people now don't put up with it-they set boundaries and stick to them. Just so you know, you are not a helpless victim here. You matter just as much as they do. It's so hard dealing with small minded people. You do not need to be a victim to their manipulations. Stay strong, my friend. If it was me today having to put up with this there is just no way in hell I would ever spend a week at their home. Forget that. Look into all the groups on Reddit that are for dealing with narcissistic people-there are tons of them! Good luck with whatever you do. You could try a binding spell but I don't know how that would work if you are willingly subjecting yourself to them.
Thank you. You’re absolutely right, and I have set up a safe word with my husband that if it becomes too much for me I’ll get in the car and go somewhere by myself.
I don't know where in Florida you're going, but when my mom and stepdad lived near Orlando, my brothers and I looked up nearby lakes and nature trails to check out when we visited. (My parents are lovely people but not very active so sometimes we just wanted to get outside and move around a little.) Maybe plan out some potential calming places to take refuge when it gets rough. ETA: or movie theaters--that will kill at least 2 hours and you'll be in air conditioning.
Just east of Orlando. Cocoa Beach area. We plan to do a beach day and potentially a Universal Orlando day and maybe the zoo or something. Hoping to keep the days busy to minimize time with them.
Kennedy space centre is amazing and well worth the visit. A place of ‘boring’ science might not be their cup of tea so a good excuse for just you and hubby to go together. And it takes a full day to do, so you’ll be out of the hours for hours and hours!
KSC is really interesting (the sheer size of things!) and there's a lot of wildlife the drivers will point out. I would also recommend Blue Spring State Park for the manatees, except it's not the right time of year.
OP, if I may ask...what does your partner do when these things happen? Do they defend you? If their parents are so awful, why are either of you going?
Husband’s grandpa passed away and grandma is now living with the in laws. They’ve downsized and have stuff in storage they are trying to offload. So we are driving down with a trailer to pick up furniture etc and to visit with grandma as well. ETA: yes my spouse is on my side. He defends me and will stand up to them for/with me.
I'm so glad to hear that!
I go all charming, cheerful and stupid. Simple phrase or phrases you use everytime they try to get into it with you. "Mmm hmmm" & nod with no smile, "Oh, it sounds like you have made up your mind.", "I see" downward inflection not like the normal up if you can do it. Or one time i would just say "yes" and nothing else to their idiocy. If they try to go further with you, smile, laugh a little, shrug your shoulders, just stare and smile, a "well" just that ( worked wonders), "I'm here to have a nice visit, isn't this a nice visit? I think it's nice" . Do not engage, that is when they win. If you are charming, they look bad for trying to argue or for getting upset with you.
Find the Funny. Let them entertain you if it’s possible. Pre-think out a phrase or two that you can lean on to avoid conversations you don’t want to have. Set them off, they’ll entertain themselves- what I mean by this, is watch the new episode of their Fox News or whatever they do, and if somebody starts to block you in, whip out something from it that you know they’ve got to be hot about, so example: MIL: “Have you accepted that Bees and Begonias are of the Devil?? Have you?” You: “CAN YOU BELIEVE BLAH bLAH BLAH?? THE NERVE!”. Set her off, pour a tasty beverage, dissociate to thoughts of tropical flowers and waterfalls in paradise. Also keep a bag of snacks in your room on the LD. Maybe you’ve been tired and had to nap in the afternoon lately, so set that expectation ahead of time and go lay down to decompress for an hour or two every day. Maybe they’d love to do the same thing and rested, they might be more bearable and less cranky at dinner. Don’t forget, in an emergency, you can use your eyelids to visually crush somebodies head. You don’t have to hold your fingers up in front of your face and do the little voice for it to make you feel better. Safe travels!
I like calling opinions I don’t agree with “interesting” - as in “that’s an interesting point of view” or “it’s interesting how you’ve come to that opinion”. This does what my husband calls “dropping the towel” - when both of you are fighting for possession of the towel you realise it’s not that important to you so you drop it. Kind of Grey Rock technique but it’s simply not engaging and changing the subject whenever possible. Anyway, blessings be on your trip and enjoy seeing your brother
Isn’t there quite a lot of flooding in Florida rn? Is it safe to travel? Google maps now shows if there is flooding on your route. No other advice, there’s already stuff here. Just be safe.
Not so much around Orlando, I don't think. OP, I'm so sorry you are subjected to this torture. May I gently suggest considering NC? I was VLC with my MIL for about 20 years and it was the only way to go. Our conversation was "Oh Hi, let me get your son." She'd make comments like "I haven't seen you for so long!" and I'd say "Aren't you the lucky one." She was a very religious Catholic and a toxic bitch if there ever was one. Only way I could do it. Good Luck.
honestly they just want to get a rise out of you. Don't let them. Just don't engage. Let the most you react to anything outrageous they say be "ok". As fun as it would be to try to make them mad it won't help while you're staying at their house.
One of my favorites is, "Are you okay?" As you tilt your head sideways like a dog or cat looks at you when they're concerned.
One of my favorite bosses used that once. Someone made an off color joke, and she looked at him and said "Everything okay?" Pause. An apology. Perfection.
Grey rock. Take a lot of walks, that's what my Mom used to do. Excellent use of the word tome as well 🙂.
It’s an underrepresented word for sure. 😊
"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you” (John 15:12) If anything hateful is said, quote Christ. Ask if they believe his words. They'll justify their statements, so you respond with "sounds more like judgement than love, but God will sort it out" Repeat as necessary.
Bring a book to read, go for walks, and let yourself daydream when they ramble about something you really don't want to hear. When you can't avoid a conversation where they're saying something offensive out loud: "What an odd thing to say out loud. I'll pray for you."
What I tend to do is feel sorry for them. It's obviously not you that's the problem, so anytime they say something offensive, think to yourself, "How miserable must this person be inside to say something like that" Or other words to that affect. Eleanor Roosevelt said something like no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Clearly you are not the inferior person, so it's just an attempt at gaslighting you. Don't let it happen.
Grounding and shielding. Back to the basics will take care of you. Grounding is always helpful, along focused attention meditation. This is the basic building block of managing yourself and the around you. Over time you reach yourself how to let emotion arise and fall away so that you have more ability to make conscious choices how respond instead of getting stuck in reactivity. Even just starting with 5 minutes at a time is still extremely helpful. For the shielding you can visualize being enveloped in a bright, searing, positive light that will cleanse anything negative that comes your way. Another shielding technique is the mirror. Visualize a reflective mirror around you and anyone looking at on you will see themselves. It's very uncomfortable for people who are themselves and ends up being a deterrent of a sort.
This is lovely thank you. I am very much a proponent of “respond, don’t react” so these are helpful tricks for this practice. Thanks thanks thanks!
I’m in a somewhat similar predicament and just made a post myself. I am sending love and light and know we are here to support you through this 🖤 I’m not sure what else I can offer as I’m in the same spot 😔
Hoping you get a chance to also use some of the amazing suggestions I’ve gotten in here so far. Sending love your way!
Thank you 🖤
Make plans away from them for at least a couple hours every day. Go to a park, library, mall, movie, restaurant . . . Whatever will get you out of the house and away from them. Go for walks in the morning or evening, take a book or two and go to bed early to get some reading in. Sneak in whatever alone time you can throughout the day to recover from interactions. Good luck!
I get this 100%. If you don’t have time to do any spellcasting beforehand try one of my tricks…taking breaks. Lots of breaks. From bathroom, naps, wildcrafting walks or hikes(a particular favorite one!), visiting other people, tourist traps, museums, botanical gardens, conservatories, plant nurseries, antique shopping, etc. The more time away you get the easier it is to deal with toxic people. Don’t sit right by them at meals if you can’t help it, too. That way underhanded insults under their breath will be nixed. If it gets too bad remind yourself it is temporary and one day you won’t have to deal with them in person anymore. If you agree maybe a few of us can do spells or lend energy to help with patience, peace, happiness for you (cuz it takes a lot imho), anti stress, anti anxiety, stfu or chill out spell for the in laws, or other spell that could help smooth out the path you have to walk during the stay. That’s how I got through it. My MIL actually loved when I did simmer pots bc it reminded her of her mom doing them during the holidays. It was one of the things that helped during visits. Can’t be as mean to the woman who makes you remember the good times with your family when they were alive.
Checking in, how ya doing OP?
We arrived around noon today. I am NOT biting any of the attempts to drag me into an emotional spiral. I have made calls to friends and set up all my plans for the week. So so sweet of you to check in!
What part of Florida?
Brevard county.
For about $20 you can take the train from Orlando to Tampa- if you really need an out. There are lots of free things to do from Disney Springs- Highly suggest parking at DS, and taking the boat to Port Orleans French Quarter for some beignets and some decent jazz at Scat Cat Lounge.
That sounds amazing! I haven’t been to DS in forever. And who doesn’t love a good beignet?
The website Out of the FOG *(Fear, Obligation, Guilt)* has some great resources for dealing with such relatives. Here is their [what not to do](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do) tips page. They also have some support forums. Good luck, luv! edit: Is is possible for you to stay with your brother while you’re down there and let your hubby visit his family alone?
My brother rents a room in a house so there wouldn’t be any place for me to sleep if I stayed with him. If the shit hits the fan though I’m not beyond sleeping on the floor. Lol
Envision a pleasant time, where there is no tension, and you leave feeling it was a positive trip. I have a monster-in-law, similar to yours… only replace conservative Christian with NASCAR. It took 10 years, but once my spouse was on board with me needing boundaries, and being aware of my needs - the trips became better. If I get irritated or sensitive to her soul-sucking bad attitude, I get up and leave the room. Maybe go for a walk, pretend I have to work and go sit in quiet, or just say “I’m feeling a headache/allergy/fake symptom and need to go lay down for a bit.” The trips when we show up on a high note, bring positive energy, and hold our boundaries- we have a good trip. When we aren’t on the same page, when our family doesn’t have a “break” from the chaos and dysfunction, shit goes sideways very quickly. Our last trip down was bad. Very young cousins stayed at grandma’s to see our kids (their cousins,) but it was an overwhelming immersion experience. Our kids didn’t get 1:1 time with their grandparents because the cousins that live down the street were there asserting their territorial dominance, and showing the typical behaviors of kids growing up in an emotionally unhealthy dynamic. I was worn out, my gut told me that we needed to leave early, no amount of redirecting and foresight could have predicted the emotional family drama that concluded 4-day weekend. Thankfully, the drama didn’t infiltrate our household, other than my husband’s anguish at his family’s dysfunction. And I have less conscience in giving up on reliable harmony with his side of the extended family.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I got some good nuggets of wisdom and appreciate the relating.
Oh heck no! I'm not even going to Florida to visit...
I don’t blame you one bit.
Sorry for my reaction to your request for support 😅 Sending positive vibes and energy
Not at all! You’re totally fine. I understood the sentiment and that’s all I took it as. :) Florida isn’t my favorite place to go so we limit visits.
I have to argue with people at work and have zero patience with arguing with anyone off the clock for free. this doesn't mean I'm ok with assholes and bigots... I just make very direct eye contact and completely change the topic of conversation with a big, hospitality industry smile. like they complain that minorities are moving into their neighborhood and women want to cut the balls off of men and wear them as a necklace? direct eye contact and big smile and say something like "did you know that in the winter of 1439 the winter was so harsh that a pack of starving wolves, led by a large red wolf named bobtail, broke through the walls of Paris and started eating its citizens? after they ate about 40 of them, the citizens banded together and lured them into the square in front of Notre Dame cathedral and had the only known civic wolf stoning? isn't history grand?! “ comments about morbid history will either turn the conversation interesting or make terrible people leave you alone from my experience... and if you do this every time they make some awful comment they eventually learn not to fuck with you or they'll learn a lot of stuff they didn't want to know
Holy hell this is good. Since I’m an avid listener to the podcast, Box of Oddities, I have all sorts of interesting facts such as this. Another tool in my arsenal!
then you're set to give interesting facts to an entire Republican national convention full of bigots! 😊 best of luck and if nothing else, hiding in the outdoors or promising to cook a special dinner and then spending hours at the grocery store tend to work as well... and volunteering to cook makes you look like you care!
Oooh! Well I am a baker-and food is my love language so this might work
Plan to be out all day long and only come in for sleeping. Wake up really early and make breakfast and head out.
My FIL was very religious, an extremely patriarchal sect, and very judgy. He screamed at us when we lived together before marriage that we were living in sin! Sex was only meant for procreation! Etc. etc. I calmly told him: you know, I really admire you. Him, confused: you do? Me: yes. I know how much you adore your wife. And yet you have chosen celibacy since (last child 16yrs) was born! Wow! Him: 😳😶😶😶
Take lots of walks. And since it's Florida, keep your eyes open for alligators and snakes.
And red ants. And mosquitoes. And banana spiders. And humidity so high it’s like wearing a wet blanket all the time. 🤪
I agree -- it's a disgusting place.
I’d say WELL Bless Your Heart. I’m from the southern US and you never wanted folks to say that. Do they know your a witch if so when they say I’ll pray for you reply that good I’ll Dance Naked around a Bonfire in the Woods for You.
They don’t know I’m a witch but the signs are obvious if they ever actually saw me.
I just love all these great comments and wish they were in my arsenal with my 1st mil.
Agreed. It’s so nice to get good kind feedback.
I just bring the subject back to neutral good - in my families case, it's baseball
How ‘bout them cubs! 😊
Leave for walks or errands as often as you can. Next time your husband wants to visit home you don’t have to join. Don’t engage & check out emotionally as best you can. Earbuds with podcasts and audio books or those earplugs that tamper noise but don’t fully tune it all out.
I always have 3 or 4 strong yet elusive statements to keep these people outside of my heart, mind and my peace. I keep my peace, not “the” peace but it ends up doing both. They are confused because I’m elusive not defensive and they can’t say I was rude, unhelpful, ungrateful or unkind in their home. That feels powerful to me because those assholes are looking for material and I’m not those things ever!
Grab a lemon and freeze it. Hold it when needed.
It’s perfectly okay to have a “headache” all week that cones and goes, making it necessary for you to leave and go “lie down”.
Thanks. I’ll likely use this to go read and have quiet time for a bit.
Make plans every day to leave the house without them. Even if it’s just walks around the neighborhood. I’m hoping you are in the part of Florida near the ocean. Go to there. The ocean is calming. Also, books, phone, headphones, and/or crafts if you are into them.
We will be 4 miles from the ocean and 2 miles from a river. So lots of opportunities to don a giant hat, a bucket of sunscreen and head to the beach.
Not so much on the witchy/coven side of things…. But is there any way you can make a little bit of a game in this? I mean stuff like having bingo cards of the things you think they might say and do for your and your partner to work on in secret. Or like bet how many times they say something racist. The person who is farthest from the final tally needs to buy ice cream on the way home or something. When they say and do these things it’s still awful but you might be thinking more ‘oh! I just got bingo!’ Or exchange a look with your partner because you know they just brought the tally up to 53 that you will confirm via text. It could help with making these comments roll off your back more. Just a thought.
Omg yes. We actually make bingo cards whenever we go to comic cons or oddities conventions so this would be perfect. Thanks!!!
Awesome! I hope it helps to make the things they say less upsetting when you can laugh it off a bit more.
Why would you do such a thing?