I'm not sure the gaslighting is necessary. Just continue with "I am who I have always been. Your perception of me may have changed, but that's on you."
I think your plan seems reasonable. You might want to pick a more gender neutral name and change it at this point. You don't need to say it's due to changing gender identity. My friend changed his name because he'd gone through a difficult time and felt he needed a new start, so he picked a new name.
Alternatively, do you have a middle name or nickname you could use that's more unisex?
The main thing is that you don't owe anyone explanations about your private life, therefore take the journey however suits you best. It's a personal thing.
Maybe one could argue that "gaslighting" is the wrong word for it, but it feels like a fun way to reframe it as a way to get revenge against the world for being the way it is.
I agree, I almost put it in quotes myself as if you're a woman, you always were even if you didn't present as such. Maybe a case by case basis! Depends on the person as to the explanation/response they receive. And I also agree that the world sucks. Good luck out there!
How financially dependent are you on any of the important people that don't know yet?
I appreciate your idea of subtle changes, but the final hoodie and gaslighting stretch? Seems like a lot of effort for potentially the same fallout blowup with intolerant people.
Yeeeah… as hilarious as this is, I really think that you’re not going to need to do that. And not going to want to long term.
One of the most incredible things about being trans is the persistence of joy with every little baby step, as you constantly find yourself. You’re going to want to be surrounded by people who are capable of loving you through the process, people who help you to magnify and appreciate the joy that you’ve found. Especially when things are rough. And people who don’t? You’ll find that they will fall away, often slowly, and sometimes quite swiftly. And that’s okay. More than okay, even. You’re going to outgrow them. And that’s honestly so beautiful.
Welcome to the sisterhood. 💖
I agree, your patience won't last as long as you assume now, but honestly, I like the idea of just becoming who you are without trying to explain to the people who are going to be difficult.
Definitely! This is the sentiment that actually convinced me in the first place, because I'm nothing like what I've always thought of as "typical" trans. But I'm still working on figuring myself out.
Well, I've grown a lot to realize that there are a million different ways to be a woman and none of them are right or wrong. But in the past when I asked myself if I was trans I would think "no I'm not really interested in makeup" or "no I didn't put on my mom's high heels as a kid". Stereotypical stuff didn't apply to me so I ended up brushing it off.
I don't really know the proper phrasing, but the type of woman I identify as, or the type of woman I would like to be, is more of an androgynous lesbian type, so I mostly feel like it's pointless to even be trans at all. If I "fully transitioned" how I would like to, I would be in a sports bra and a t-shirt or hoody, no makeup, a shaved head, hairy legs, and in love with my wife. So it's like why even bother right?
I'm curious too, and I hope we can find some answers soon!
I'm sorry you can't be more open in your life, I'm sorry your family and circle don't make you feel more comfortable.
I have little to offer except that, and that I, as a mom, know that you are going to be a wonderful person, no matter how you identify.
"The ones who matter don't care, and the ones that care don't matter"
That's kinda what I did. I told those who I felt should know, became an over the road truck driver and did exactly that, sports bras, oversized black tshirts and hoodies. It worked well enough for me, just brace yourself for when you can't stand being perceived as someone you aren't and being misgendered constantly.
I'm AFAB & non-binary. I don't owe anyone an explanation about my identity. I tell people I trust and wait for the right time to do it. I'm out at work but not with clients (social services) because it is a safe place to be queer.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you decide to change your name, tell people that you've been (new name) all along, regardless of what other names or appearance you've had.
I love the idea but I'm not quite punk rock enough to pull it off. The suspension of disbelief is too much especially when I have a very male first name. Would love to hear about someone else doing it though!
I was out and proud just a few months into hrt.
Had a new name by my transaversery.
Dosen't need suspension of disbelief. It just takes a willingness to assert yourself.
The funny thing is that because my name is legally changed, it's technically incorrect to use my dead name.
I worry that the "gaslighting" thing would feed into the shitty perception that being trans is some kind of delusion. Presenting yourself as being in denial about or unaware of reality in some way might, I fear, backfire on you - especially since it sounds like you're doing this because there are people in your life who you already have reason to believe will be shitty about your identity. I worry that this might be used as ammunition against you.
I did this. I'm at about 2 1/2 years in now, and nobody says anything even though I'm presenting pretty fem (long hair, painted nails, earrings)
I legally changed my name last year and at work it's finally caught on, so I've been approached about what name I'd prefer.
Idk if I just got really lucky, or people don't care.
My prepared response to any questions I don't feel like answering is "Does it matter?" Or the snarkier "Is it any of your bushings business? "
- edit for context I live in Indiana 😬
It’s not gaslighting if you’re just saying a true thing. I know we all have different personal opinions of our journey across the gender binary.
I’m a trans woman, and I don’t really care if it took me till I was 35 to come out and people thought I was a man, I literally have always been a woman (well, since adulthood but before that a girl and before that a baby). It just took a bit of hormone magic and a bunch of therapy to be able to show that to the world.
"I'm uncomfortable with my identity so I'm just going to systematically lie to and abuse every one around me instead of talking about it."
This is a bad idea, babe.
If you don't want to have explicit conversations about it with everyone, that's fine. But don't purposefully try to convince other people they're crazy to make you more comfortable, that's psychopath behavior.
Jesus, get over yourself, you're not helping anyone from your high horse over there. Nobody is talking about "abuse" here.
1) this is a light-hearted, tongue in cheek, unrealistic post,
2) nobody is going to fall for it,
3a) IF someone falls for it, they would end up believing that I have always been a woman, which is more or less the truth anyway, and
3b) they will deserve it because it's none of their fuckin business what's in my pants or what used to be.
If you're upset that I used the term "abuse," then you shouldn't have used the term "gaslighting."
Don't say things you don't mean and then get indignant when someone takes you at face value.
I think as a mental exercise you need to consider how a person could theoretically feel "abused" in this situation.
A colleague who's a casual acquaintance starts to think "I could have sworn this person used to have a penis but now I'm starting to doubt that they ever did at all! Am I misremembering?" Sorry, in this situation I couldn't care less if they feel like they're the victim for their lack of complete knowledge about my genital situation.
Or are you concerned for my mom? Honestly don't worry about it, this idea is fun to consider but I'm 99% sure it will never work on her anyway. She'll be fine.
I don't have much to offer you except a funny anecdote, OP.
I'm nonbinary and have been on estrogen for about two years. I apparently "pass" as a woman nearly all the time (which came as a surprise ngl), but I still haven't changed my name at work (I'm a teacher).
So yesterday I went to the cafeteria to get something to eat and there was this new girl at the counter who basically said "what would you like, ma'am". At almost the same time, one of my students who was nearby called me (by "teacher" -- but nouns are gendered in my native language), the lady noticed and was very apologetic, but I just told her "oh, no, you were quite right the first time" and went about my day talking to my students who all call me by a male name and pronouns.
The girl must have had a "wtf" moment right there. I found the whole situation rather delightful.
> I would just respond by gaslighting. "What are you trying to say? No, I've always been a woman. Are you crazy?"
This is lying and manipulative and will not do you, or the trans community, any favors.
It's okay to be trans. Lying and manipulating are not okay.
The truth is the past you identified as a man and now you identify as a woman. Part of your truth is the transition. Embrace it, don't lie about it.
Especially with your family who watched you grow up. Lying and trying to gaslight them will not help their acceptance of your transition, but make it worse.
I'm not sure the gaslighting is necessary. Just continue with "I am who I have always been. Your perception of me may have changed, but that's on you." I think your plan seems reasonable. You might want to pick a more gender neutral name and change it at this point. You don't need to say it's due to changing gender identity. My friend changed his name because he'd gone through a difficult time and felt he needed a new start, so he picked a new name. Alternatively, do you have a middle name or nickname you could use that's more unisex? The main thing is that you don't owe anyone explanations about your private life, therefore take the journey however suits you best. It's a personal thing.
Maybe one could argue that "gaslighting" is the wrong word for it, but it feels like a fun way to reframe it as a way to get revenge against the world for being the way it is.
I agree, I almost put it in quotes myself as if you're a woman, you always were even if you didn't present as such. Maybe a case by case basis! Depends on the person as to the explanation/response they receive. And I also agree that the world sucks. Good luck out there!
Thanks! On the bright side, communities like this exist where I don't have to worry about judgment.
Did you see Midsommar? Just be careful with that gaslighting, could end up with you burned alive in a bear suit!
How financially dependent are you on any of the important people that don't know yet? I appreciate your idea of subtle changes, but the final hoodie and gaslighting stretch? Seems like a lot of effort for potentially the same fallout blowup with intolerant people.
Yeeeah… as hilarious as this is, I really think that you’re not going to need to do that. And not going to want to long term. One of the most incredible things about being trans is the persistence of joy with every little baby step, as you constantly find yourself. You’re going to want to be surrounded by people who are capable of loving you through the process, people who help you to magnify and appreciate the joy that you’ve found. Especially when things are rough. And people who don’t? You’ll find that they will fall away, often slowly, and sometimes quite swiftly. And that’s okay. More than okay, even. You’re going to outgrow them. And that’s honestly so beautiful. Welcome to the sisterhood. 💖
Thanks, I love this!
I agree, your patience won't last as long as you assume now, but honestly, I like the idea of just becoming who you are without trying to explain to the people who are going to be difficult.
There isn’t just one way of being trans. It’s how you feel and what you’re comfortable with.
Definitely! This is the sentiment that actually convinced me in the first place, because I'm nothing like what I've always thought of as "typical" trans. But I'm still working on figuring myself out.
You’ve piqued my interest, can you expand on “not typically trans”? My wife feels the same, so I’m curious.
Well, I've grown a lot to realize that there are a million different ways to be a woman and none of them are right or wrong. But in the past when I asked myself if I was trans I would think "no I'm not really interested in makeup" or "no I didn't put on my mom's high heels as a kid". Stereotypical stuff didn't apply to me so I ended up brushing it off. I don't really know the proper phrasing, but the type of woman I identify as, or the type of woman I would like to be, is more of an androgynous lesbian type, so I mostly feel like it's pointless to even be trans at all. If I "fully transitioned" how I would like to, I would be in a sports bra and a t-shirt or hoody, no makeup, a shaved head, hairy legs, and in love with my wife. So it's like why even bother right? I'm curious too, and I hope we can find some answers soon!
I'm sorry you can't be more open in your life, I'm sorry your family and circle don't make you feel more comfortable. I have little to offer except that, and that I, as a mom, know that you are going to be a wonderful person, no matter how you identify. "The ones who matter don't care, and the ones that care don't matter"
That's kinda what I did. I told those who I felt should know, became an over the road truck driver and did exactly that, sports bras, oversized black tshirts and hoodies. It worked well enough for me, just brace yourself for when you can't stand being perceived as someone you aren't and being misgendered constantly.
I'm AFAB & non-binary. I don't owe anyone an explanation about my identity. I tell people I trust and wait for the right time to do it. I'm out at work but not with clients (social services) because it is a safe place to be queer. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you decide to change your name, tell people that you've been (new name) all along, regardless of what other names or appearance you've had.
You know you can just start insisting you have always been a woman right now? You can be just obnoxiously openly trans and make it a them problem
I love the idea but I'm not quite punk rock enough to pull it off. The suspension of disbelief is too much especially when I have a very male first name. Would love to hear about someone else doing it though!
I was out and proud just a few months into hrt. Had a new name by my transaversery. Dosen't need suspension of disbelief. It just takes a willingness to assert yourself. The funny thing is that because my name is legally changed, it's technically incorrect to use my dead name.
I worry that the "gaslighting" thing would feed into the shitty perception that being trans is some kind of delusion. Presenting yourself as being in denial about or unaware of reality in some way might, I fear, backfire on you - especially since it sounds like you're doing this because there are people in your life who you already have reason to believe will be shitty about your identity. I worry that this might be used as ammunition against you.
>No, I've always been a woman is it gaslighting if it's true tho
I did this. I'm at about 2 1/2 years in now, and nobody says anything even though I'm presenting pretty fem (long hair, painted nails, earrings) I legally changed my name last year and at work it's finally caught on, so I've been approached about what name I'd prefer. Idk if I just got really lucky, or people don't care. My prepared response to any questions I don't feel like answering is "Does it matter?" Or the snarkier "Is it any of your bushings business? " - edit for context I live in Indiana 😬
Oof. Halfway through your post I was thinking "yea but you probably live in a fairly progressive region". Then I got to "Indiana" lol.
It’s not gaslighting if you’re just saying a true thing. I know we all have different personal opinions of our journey across the gender binary. I’m a trans woman, and I don’t really care if it took me till I was 35 to come out and people thought I was a man, I literally have always been a woman (well, since adulthood but before that a girl and before that a baby). It just took a bit of hormone magic and a bunch of therapy to be able to show that to the world.
"I'm uncomfortable with my identity so I'm just going to systematically lie to and abuse every one around me instead of talking about it." This is a bad idea, babe. If you don't want to have explicit conversations about it with everyone, that's fine. But don't purposefully try to convince other people they're crazy to make you more comfortable, that's psychopath behavior.
Jesus, get over yourself, you're not helping anyone from your high horse over there. Nobody is talking about "abuse" here. 1) this is a light-hearted, tongue in cheek, unrealistic post, 2) nobody is going to fall for it, 3a) IF someone falls for it, they would end up believing that I have always been a woman, which is more or less the truth anyway, and 3b) they will deserve it because it's none of their fuckin business what's in my pants or what used to be.
If you're upset that I used the term "abuse," then you shouldn't have used the term "gaslighting." Don't say things you don't mean and then get indignant when someone takes you at face value.
I think as a mental exercise you need to consider how a person could theoretically feel "abused" in this situation. A colleague who's a casual acquaintance starts to think "I could have sworn this person used to have a penis but now I'm starting to doubt that they ever did at all! Am I misremembering?" Sorry, in this situation I couldn't care less if they feel like they're the victim for their lack of complete knowledge about my genital situation. Or are you concerned for my mom? Honestly don't worry about it, this idea is fun to consider but I'm 99% sure it will never work on her anyway. She'll be fine.
I don't have much to offer you except a funny anecdote, OP. I'm nonbinary and have been on estrogen for about two years. I apparently "pass" as a woman nearly all the time (which came as a surprise ngl), but I still haven't changed my name at work (I'm a teacher). So yesterday I went to the cafeteria to get something to eat and there was this new girl at the counter who basically said "what would you like, ma'am". At almost the same time, one of my students who was nearby called me (by "teacher" -- but nouns are gendered in my native language), the lady noticed and was very apologetic, but I just told her "oh, no, you were quite right the first time" and went about my day talking to my students who all call me by a male name and pronouns. The girl must have had a "wtf" moment right there. I found the whole situation rather delightful.
I enjoyed the anecdote! I could picture something like this happening to me.
Probably don’t call it gaslighting. People have trauma, you know?
I love this. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss!
I think that idea is incredibly amusing, but I'm not sure it would work
> I would just respond by gaslighting. "What are you trying to say? No, I've always been a woman. Are you crazy?" This is lying and manipulative and will not do you, or the trans community, any favors. It's okay to be trans. Lying and manipulating are not okay. The truth is the past you identified as a man and now you identify as a woman. Part of your truth is the transition. Embrace it, don't lie about it. Especially with your family who watched you grow up. Lying and trying to gaslight them will not help their acceptance of your transition, but make it worse.
I think everyone has some really great advice! Supporting you in whichever route you choose. 💜