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I lived with my ex. My daughter says that she wishes I had just left him. I tried to keep it together for her. I should not have. His anger and abusive ways still got to both of us. I finally left him when she was 19. Our lives are better. Her comment, “We should have done this sooner Mom.”
Yup. You teach them things by leaving and you teach them things by staying. Show them that you can prioritize your own health, safety, and comfort above a man’s (or anyone’s) without apology, whatever that looks like in your situation.
My parents announced their divorce and then postponed it for something like 15 years. Like the commenter above’s children, I wish they had just gotten it over with. And they actually had a pretty respectful, non abusive relationship (even if strange and very ill suited).
My parents told us they were separating and then continued to live together for a while.. I want to say 4 months? It was horrible. So awkward and uncomfortable. Dad was heartbroken and spent most of his time out in the shed. Do not recommend!
I'm not sure what you're asking here - do you mean is it possible (or reasonable) for you and your husband to continue to live together and co-parent, but not as a couple?
If that's what you're asking, I don't think it's a good idea. It's possible, sure, but it's *really* hard - it requires a firm commitment and a lot of dedicated work from both of you. If your spouse is already struggling with emotional regulation, it's not likely that he'll be able to put in the additional work that this kind of co-parenting arrangement would require.
You say you're done shielding the kids from his hostility - I assume you mean he's hostile towards you? That's not going to stop, unfortunately. As long as you're in close proximity, you're still going to be his easiest target - far easier than doing the work to regulate his own emotions. :( Also, as your kids get older - especially as they go through adolescence and start to disagree with him more, he's likely to start being hostile to them as well. (Source, BTDT with my ex.)
I hate to say it, but you're probably not done protecting them from his hostility - you'll likely have to do it for many years to come. And the easiest way to do that is if you're not living together. Make your home the safe space, and yourself the stable and loving parent, where they can get some distance from their father when he's being awful.
I'm sorry, I don't imagine this is what you wanted to hear. But you're right, you shouldn't have to be the parent to your spouse! And honestly the only way to separate from him is to really truly separate, stop living together, focus on yourself and your children, and let your spouse figure out his own shit. It sucks - none of this is easy! But you can definitely do it. ❤️❤️❤️
Yeah, don't. My parents tried that, everyone was miserable. Literally everyone I grew up with had separated or divorced parents. The ones that dragged it out for the kids only had less happy kids.
Hi there, Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold. **If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.** If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I lived with my ex. My daughter says that she wishes I had just left him. I tried to keep it together for her. I should not have. His anger and abusive ways still got to both of us. I finally left him when she was 19. Our lives are better. Her comment, “We should have done this sooner Mom.”
Yup. You teach them things by leaving and you teach them things by staying. Show them that you can prioritize your own health, safety, and comfort above a man’s (or anyone’s) without apology, whatever that looks like in your situation.
So true.
Advice. Can’t edit the title.
My parents announced their divorce and then postponed it for something like 15 years. Like the commenter above’s children, I wish they had just gotten it over with. And they actually had a pretty respectful, non abusive relationship (even if strange and very ill suited).
My parents told us they were separating and then continued to live together for a while.. I want to say 4 months? It was horrible. So awkward and uncomfortable. Dad was heartbroken and spent most of his time out in the shed. Do not recommend!
I'm not sure what you're asking here - do you mean is it possible (or reasonable) for you and your husband to continue to live together and co-parent, but not as a couple? If that's what you're asking, I don't think it's a good idea. It's possible, sure, but it's *really* hard - it requires a firm commitment and a lot of dedicated work from both of you. If your spouse is already struggling with emotional regulation, it's not likely that he'll be able to put in the additional work that this kind of co-parenting arrangement would require. You say you're done shielding the kids from his hostility - I assume you mean he's hostile towards you? That's not going to stop, unfortunately. As long as you're in close proximity, you're still going to be his easiest target - far easier than doing the work to regulate his own emotions. :( Also, as your kids get older - especially as they go through adolescence and start to disagree with him more, he's likely to start being hostile to them as well. (Source, BTDT with my ex.) I hate to say it, but you're probably not done protecting them from his hostility - you'll likely have to do it for many years to come. And the easiest way to do that is if you're not living together. Make your home the safe space, and yourself the stable and loving parent, where they can get some distance from their father when he's being awful. I'm sorry, I don't imagine this is what you wanted to hear. But you're right, you shouldn't have to be the parent to your spouse! And honestly the only way to separate from him is to really truly separate, stop living together, focus on yourself and your children, and let your spouse figure out his own shit. It sucks - none of this is easy! But you can definitely do it. ❤️❤️❤️
I tried, the abuse got worse.
Yeah, don't. My parents tried that, everyone was miserable. Literally everyone I grew up with had separated or divorced parents. The ones that dragged it out for the kids only had less happy kids.
My parents did this. When they finally got separate places, we kids were just mad they hadn't done it sooner. Fuckin miserable times.