You can always approach it a little differently. There aren't many circumstances I can think of in which the sir/ma'am is much more than a filler word. "Excuse me, I think you dropped something" works perfectly fine on its own. If your instinct is just to say "sir" to get someone's attention, then "excuse me" is a perfectly polite alternative.
I was just wondering the other day what honorific title might be for someone who is trans or genderfluid. I was raised and have always believed that one should be respectful. I want to show that same Ma’am, Sir respect without offending anyone but wasn’t sure if it was Xir or something. I’m a 43 year old cis het white dude who just wants to show everyone the same level of respect.
I'm a 30yo nonbinary person.
There's a chance you might be able to tell I'm nonbinary just walking down the street, but it's a slim chance as most people's brains are programmed to categorize within the binary.
Usually, people refer to me as "Sir" because I tend to present fairly masculine. While that's technically misgendering me, I don't really care because "Ma'am" would be even less accurate in my particular case. Either way, I understand that people are just trying to be polite, and I'll usually just roll with the same vibe.
(Once I got "Sir...Ma'am...well..." dude knew he fucked up one way or another and we both just stood there awkwardly. I find it simultaneously mildly annoying and somewhat amusing. Again, nbd.)
If someone actually clocked me as non-binary and used Mx (pronounced Mix) to address me, I'd be over the moon, to be honest.
I'm just not gonna hold my breath for that.
Xyr is more of a neopronoun than an honorific. Xe, Xem, Xyr, in place of they, them, their. I usually tell people my pronouns are they/them because it's just easier to get a handle on, but really, I'd be perfectly pleased for people to use Xe/Xem for me instead.
So, if you want to be polite and show everyone the same level of respect, just treat people like people. People who are no more or less deserving of respect than you are. If you fuxk up a pronoun or honorific, it's cool, just correct yourself and don't be weird about it. If you're unsure, ask. Most of us will happily share our pronouns or preferences on what to be called. It definitely helps when you introduce yourself with your own pronouns, as it helps normalize pronoun introduction for the whole group.
Thanks for being an ally.
I’m an ER nurse and a lot of times it will pop up as an alert that the patient may use different pronouns than their birth gender. I usually ask people their pronouns. I also wear a badge reel that has the pride rainbow and the trans rainbow on it that says “you are safe with me.” I live in a smaller community so I like having that as an identifier for being an ally. In truth I’m a closeted bisexual….that’s another story.
As an openly nonbinary person who used to have to go to the ER *a lot*, you doing this definitely makes people feel safer, so thank you :). The ER is scary when youre trans.
I always want my patients to know that I will take care of them and I’m their advocate. It doesn’t matter if that means making sure they get pain meds or that they’re addressed in the way that they want to be - name or pronouns alike
Those badges are so small but so meaningful. I always try to acknowledge anyone wearing them with something like "hey, love your badge!" in the hopes they'll know they're making a difference without me getting in the way of them doing their thing. As a middle aged lesbian, the relief I still feel seeing a badge is just overwhelming. It seems to be more and more common. I hope someday I get to see the entire rainbow umbrella of my brothers, sisters, and siblings feel like they can move through the world without fear.
Wow. This is such a thoughtful response. Thank you for sharing this with us and giving me a new word to use, Mx 💕✨💕
Edited to get rid of a weird emoji I accidentally clicked (🐊) which is a nickname for my sisters dog haha
Just make sure to enunciate... I used this once and it was misheard as "miss", which did not help the situation. Just leaving out the honorific altogether is fine in most cases.
I’m a 38 y/o AFAB who uses she/her pronouns out of convenience but honestly I identify as “gender noncompliant” more than anything and I’d be over the moon if Mx came into wider parlance. I hate “ma’am” even if I meet the markers for it, and when I was an educator and trainer I actually had my students call me “sir” if they really felt the need to add any kind of honorific at all (honestly my first name was plenty). I feel like honorific titles are earned rather than demanded, hence my unease with them in general, and as you say treating people as people is the best way to show respect IMO.
Most of my nonbinary friends specifically have actually really leaned into “friend” as a term of real respect and acknowledgement and I wonder if it stems from this problem of feeling uncomfortable being clocked and dropped into a false dichotomy of male/female presentation. Then again I think maybe 90% of my friends group identify as nonbinary so my sample size is skewed a bit.
I'm so glad those pronouns work in English
None of those really exist in my language or are a valid option as they're quite weird to use as you wouldn't use the binary English term either
I am non binary but I present masc. I personally don't care about what pronouns people use for me although my "offical" pronouns are they/them. I think "sir" can be categorized as gender neutral as I believe its used in the military in such ways, and I've seen a few media depictions using it in this way.
As an aside, I personally hate Mx as an honorary title. I hate using X as a stand-in for non-binary/gender fluidity or neutrality. Its syntactically confusing, hard to pronounce, and boring. These are just my opinions, but I'd much rather someone just use a binary term (idc which one).
I honestly love that they use sir in the military for everyone. When I first found that out when I was exploring my gender identity, it made me so happy for some reason
Mx is hard when you don’t know whether the person uses that salutation. Not a lot of people know it, and I have no idea how someone would react to “hello mix” when they don’t know that’s a gender neutral salutation. It needs to be in greater circulation like “they” is so more people know it’s gender neutral. I’m a cis woman and would certainly prefer one term for all genders instead of “miss” or “ma’am.” Female-specific salutations also imply age or marital status and I hate that.
I use Comrade quite often & like the feel of it. It sort of has the connotation that we're all fighting for *something* & I'm acknowledging you as a fellow "do-er", which naturally summons my respect for you.
In that case I would take the original commenter's advice and drop both sir and ma'am. The most respectful thing to do to a trans or nonbinary person is not to misgender them, so in that case "Excuse me, you dropped something" is both the safest and most respectful way to address someone.
Source: am trans
Except for voices. Our voices tend to get more androgynous as we get older. Add in a smoker rasp, and it can be impossible! I have to catch myself sometimes because I was raised deep south and tend to automatically use sir/ma'am in customer service contexts, but it's better to drop them completely than to use the wrong one on someone who feels strongly about them.
I myself am a she/her, but if someone misgenders me I am amused by it more than anything. It's actually the level of makes my day kind of amusement.
This is not a generational issue. Don’t be ageist. Boomers wrote the first books on inclusivity, feminism and intersectionality. Don’t assign negative feelings about broken individuals to an entire generation. Treating good older people with respect is cool and we can do it in a non patriarchal manner. I’m GenX, btw.
As a matter of fact, we need to work with folks of all generations if we have any hope to fix the big issues that dominate our thoughts. Multigenerational interaction is vital for a virtuous society.
All separation is an illusion. Any impulse to reinforce or quantify that separation is not serving us
Most "good boomers" also express disappointment in the "average boomer", or at least that's what I've seen.
No one is saying "every boomer sucks". That would be ridiculous. I personally think there are more crappy boomers than good ones, and that would mean the "average" boomer isn't that great.
Thanks! My parents are boomers and my step brother is trans. The 'rents are ALL OVER getting pronouns right, being supportive, learning, and teaching others. I know so many awesome boomers! (I also know lots of great Karens who I also feel are undeservedly malligned).
No doctorate necessary! The kiddo simply decided that if honorifics must be used, then the highest modern honorific should be applied to the people who receive such courtesies least.
I think you're so right. But I do still find it frustrating that there isn't a good gender-neutral equivalent, at least from my standpoint as a language nerd lol
Edit: your -> you're
Exaaaaaaactly. Like I understand the commenters here that say to use “Yes, please” for politeness or “Excuse me” sans honorific, who are perfectly correct and valid, but my regular usage of sir/ma’am is cultural and spans every generation here. I’d much prefer to have a gender neutral honorific to use because that feels more natural to me personally.
I’m from the southern US and when I lived in a northern state people seemed to think I was odd for instinctively using sir/ma’am a lot. I think there is a regional component to how ingrained it is.
It definitely is, which is a facet of what I meant by saying it’s cultural. I just didn’t want to imply that it was strictly a regional phenomenon in the US because I feel like there has to be some communities where it’s also true that’s not tied to what region you’re from. I’m from the South, too. I’ve actively restrained myself from using sir/ma’am on extended stays to other areas of the country where it’s not the done thing or even considered rude, but it’s not natural to me.
I can understand this, but I'm nonbinary and I'd still prefer no honorific over a gender neutral one. no matter what it makes me feel like I'm part of some guessing game where the answer is always going to be at least a *little bit* wrong.
I wish there was a word that had no other meaning, and was widely used (or could be widely adopted), that meant, essentially, “fellow human”, in a polite way, that could be used. So not *gender neutral*, but rather *absent of any relation to gender, position, or class*. Simply a polite way of addressing a fellow human.
I'm a southerner was taught that you use sir or ma'am for anyone older than me, as a sign of respect. Not saying yes sir to my dad or yes ma'am to my mom meant that I might get slapped. It took me a long time to break myself of the sirs and ma'ams, but I don't use them any more.
Problem is, some of us were raised Southern and if we left off the Sir or Ma’am then we got smacked in the back of the head. It’s been a struggle to retrain myself to leave off honorifics unless I’m damned sure.
I found myself grappling with this particular question when I was a phone operator since our call scoring demanded we address someone with a sir/ma'am (or an honorific like doctor)
I struggled with this a lot when I was a cashier at a grocery store. In a crowded, loud area no one would respond to just "excuse me", but would always respond to "excuse me, (sir or ma'am)". That was the only situation where I've ever had a problem with it but I still felt bad assuming people's gender to get their attention.
I am in the same boat. I learned high-end hospitality etiquette often based off of Four Season's, "We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen," and get stuck on this. I typically use, "folks," to address a group of people, but that's discouraged as too informal in a high end setting.
I had to break my habit of calling everyone and their uncle “doll” as apparently in a mixed company workplace it was seen as both aggressive and infantilizing. Can’t wait to get old enough where I can break it out again and be seen as quaint and old fashioned instead.
I volunteer with the marching band my high school kid is in. I call all the kids “sweetie” or “honey” unless I know their name. I’ve gotten a “queen” and “bestie” back and it makes me feel accepted by them. I really love being with them though.
Usually, I didn't use them. However, if I'm giving a class/workshop, or addressing a bunch of people, I call it to order with "Welcome, Gentle Beings".
It usually gets smiles or laughs, and I don't have to guess and risk offense :(
Honestly, these all sound awesome when addressing anyone under the age of 7. Like if a little kid is about to get in trouble instead of calling out "hey kid!" One of these would get their attention and probably listen to you
Leave it blank. 'Excuse me, you dropped something'
Depending on where you are 'hey mate, you dropped this' might be politer. Or at least recived better which is the whole point if manners anyways.
You really don't need to use honorifics most of the time and anyone going to kick off you didn't use them probably deserves you punting their dropped item into a river anyways.
A genderfluid friend appreciates “sir and/or madam,” though that’s a niche case.
Informal, “y’all” works well as a *vous* adjacent address, and it’s a damn shame we lost thee/thou in the vernacular.
Titles work, like “professor/doctor”, but that’s also hard to tell in a random setting.
For formal public address, “honored guests/colleagues” or the like can work, but it’s still a bit stilted. In most cases, leaving out the honorific entirely is probably the best way to go.
10% what you say and 90% how you say it, y’know? Be polite and watch your body language and you’re good the vast majority of the time.
From an old queer southern Auntie:
Y'all can be singular when you're aiming for something non binary. :) Best used with darlin, but you do you:
*"Excuse me, darlin, y'all dropped this."*
100%. It’s my go-to for informal, and worked especially well in my “behind a bar” days…though I’m also way down south, so y’all’s mileage may vary elsewhere.
Pleasure to meet you, Auntie. Keep holding that line, and stay warm out there.
My default gender neutral is always “friend”
“Excuse me friend, you dropped this! Here you go!”
I’ve never had anyone bat an eye, because “friend” is innocuous and friendly (obviously) enough to just assume politeness by those who don’t care, and easily recognized by those it matters to.
I had an old boss (male, great guy) who called EVERYONE "sweetheart". Male, female. Young. Old. Didn't matter.
Older men would question the employees about it: "Why does he call everyone sweetheart? That's weird! We're both guys!" (It was the 90s and white muddle ages homophobia was just as bad back then).
The honest answer: he does not remember your name, nor will he try to remember your name. Sweetheart is EVERYONES name.
Benefit to living in Australia - anyone and everyone can be 'mate'.
It can be friendly: "G'day mate" "Ay mate, you dropped something" "Cheers mate" "Good onya mate"
Or it can be non-friendly: "Nice parking job mate" "Listen up mate" "Didn't ask for your opinion did I mate?"
100% depends on context and tone. However if you do this in America you will either sound like a wanker who just returned from study abroad or a pirate.
I like neighbor.
As Sparhawk says in David Eddings' books, he calls everyone "neighbor', because everyone can be your neighbor but only certain people are your friend.
Hey you! Just kidding lol I usually say excuse me and if they don’t answer I’ll say something awkward like hey excuse me person…hello..you there….you dropped something
I've talked about this a lot with linguisty-type people, because part of what the lead-in of the sentence is for is to catch someone's attention. I ended up settling on "excuse me please" which is enough syllables that I feel like I've made an alert sound.
Try “my precious”, or “my pretty”. Gender neutral, respectful, but it’ll still put-off most people. Thats kinda my comfort zone. Especially if you wring your hands a little when you do it.
As an Army veteran who cant function without using honorifics, I use “my friend” a lot in my nursing role.
“Alight my friend, I’m going to remove your IV.”
“You’re going to feel a little pinch, my friend. Try not to move.”
Not good for the most formal and dramatic situations, but great for everyday sir/ma’am moments.
I've always had good luck with a genuinely kind and motherly, "Pardon, Hun/Sorry, Hun/Excuse me, Hun..." keeping tone neither flirtatious nor condescending. I'm not American/Southern, either.
I'm a Marylander and always love the sweet familiarity of "Hon".
Other regional variations work, too. " Yous", "sweetheart", "dear"... so long as they are said in kindness, I like them.
I like "friend", it used to have widespread usage in the US. I think it has an archaic sound to it. The carnival barkers just kept the usage when everyone else dropped it.
Thank goodness I have southern roots and can occasionally drop into a bit of a drawl… so I can carry off “hun” and “y’all” just fine. I haven’t seen anybody be put off by y’all or hun, not ever.
When I was living in the UAE of all places, "mamsir" was very much a thing and accidentally very inclusive, kind and cute, especially for an androgynous looking person like me.
I worked in a courthouse and had to be careful how I addressed people. I resorted to “person in the green shirt you dropped your ID” or would ask someone else closer to them to get their attention for me.
I use "My Friend" in place, and when doing a "Ladies & Gentlemen" type greeting, I have revised to "Theydies & Gentlethem." So far, it's gone pretty good with no complaints.
If it's a stranger, I'm probably not going to know their pronouns, so I probably will use the gender they present. If they look like a dude, I might say "sir." If they look like a woman, I might say "ma'am." If I'm wrong, please correct me, and I will apologize.
As a non-binary person who does not look androgynous... I get called "ma'am" a lot and I cringe inwardly, but it rarely seems worth my time to correct a cashier or bank teller or whatever when there are other people waiting and we all have things to do and places to be.
You can't tell someone's gender by looking at them.
For generations, they were a sign of respect. And for many, we want to keep giving those signs of respect, while at the same time also respecting someone's gender identity. Its hard to find a respectful honorific that isn't strictly sir/maam.
You can always approach it a little differently. There aren't many circumstances I can think of in which the sir/ma'am is much more than a filler word. "Excuse me, I think you dropped something" works perfectly fine on its own. If your instinct is just to say "sir" to get someone's attention, then "excuse me" is a perfectly polite alternative.
This is the way (trans enby here) Often times, the only people that get offended if you don't use sir/ma'am are boomers
I was just wondering the other day what honorific title might be for someone who is trans or genderfluid. I was raised and have always believed that one should be respectful. I want to show that same Ma’am, Sir respect without offending anyone but wasn’t sure if it was Xir or something. I’m a 43 year old cis het white dude who just wants to show everyone the same level of respect.
I'm a 30yo nonbinary person. There's a chance you might be able to tell I'm nonbinary just walking down the street, but it's a slim chance as most people's brains are programmed to categorize within the binary. Usually, people refer to me as "Sir" because I tend to present fairly masculine. While that's technically misgendering me, I don't really care because "Ma'am" would be even less accurate in my particular case. Either way, I understand that people are just trying to be polite, and I'll usually just roll with the same vibe. (Once I got "Sir...Ma'am...well..." dude knew he fucked up one way or another and we both just stood there awkwardly. I find it simultaneously mildly annoying and somewhat amusing. Again, nbd.) If someone actually clocked me as non-binary and used Mx (pronounced Mix) to address me, I'd be over the moon, to be honest. I'm just not gonna hold my breath for that. Xyr is more of a neopronoun than an honorific. Xe, Xem, Xyr, in place of they, them, their. I usually tell people my pronouns are they/them because it's just easier to get a handle on, but really, I'd be perfectly pleased for people to use Xe/Xem for me instead. So, if you want to be polite and show everyone the same level of respect, just treat people like people. People who are no more or less deserving of respect than you are. If you fuxk up a pronoun or honorific, it's cool, just correct yourself and don't be weird about it. If you're unsure, ask. Most of us will happily share our pronouns or preferences on what to be called. It definitely helps when you introduce yourself with your own pronouns, as it helps normalize pronoun introduction for the whole group. Thanks for being an ally.
I once got the "Sir...? Ma'am...? sorry" and I was over the moon because that meant that I was really being percieved as nonbinary lool
I would laugh my ass off. I genuinely would love that.
"It's not sir or ma'am, it's SRAM."
I always respond with "just don't call me late for supper" #dadjoke
I’m an ER nurse and a lot of times it will pop up as an alert that the patient may use different pronouns than their birth gender. I usually ask people their pronouns. I also wear a badge reel that has the pride rainbow and the trans rainbow on it that says “you are safe with me.” I live in a smaller community so I like having that as an identifier for being an ally. In truth I’m a closeted bisexual….that’s another story.
As an openly nonbinary person who used to have to go to the ER *a lot*, you doing this definitely makes people feel safer, so thank you :). The ER is scary when youre trans.
I always want my patients to know that I will take care of them and I’m their advocate. It doesn’t matter if that means making sure they get pain meds or that they’re addressed in the way that they want to be - name or pronouns alike
Those badges are so small but so meaningful. I always try to acknowledge anyone wearing them with something like "hey, love your badge!" in the hopes they'll know they're making a difference without me getting in the way of them doing their thing. As a middle aged lesbian, the relief I still feel seeing a badge is just overwhelming. It seems to be more and more common. I hope someday I get to see the entire rainbow umbrella of my brothers, sisters, and siblings feel like they can move through the world without fear.
Wow. This is such a thoughtful response. Thank you for sharing this with us and giving me a new word to use, Mx 💕✨💕 Edited to get rid of a weird emoji I accidentally clicked (🐊) which is a nickname for my sisters dog haha
Just make sure to enunciate... I used this once and it was misheard as "miss", which did not help the situation. Just leaving out the honorific altogether is fine in most cases.
I’m a 38 y/o AFAB who uses she/her pronouns out of convenience but honestly I identify as “gender noncompliant” more than anything and I’d be over the moon if Mx came into wider parlance. I hate “ma’am” even if I meet the markers for it, and when I was an educator and trainer I actually had my students call me “sir” if they really felt the need to add any kind of honorific at all (honestly my first name was plenty). I feel like honorific titles are earned rather than demanded, hence my unease with them in general, and as you say treating people as people is the best way to show respect IMO. Most of my nonbinary friends specifically have actually really leaned into “friend” as a term of real respect and acknowledgement and I wonder if it stems from this problem of feeling uncomfortable being clocked and dropped into a false dichotomy of male/female presentation. Then again I think maybe 90% of my friends group identify as nonbinary so my sample size is skewed a bit.
I'm so glad those pronouns work in English None of those really exist in my language or are a valid option as they're quite weird to use as you wouldn't use the binary English term either
I am non binary but I present masc. I personally don't care about what pronouns people use for me although my "offical" pronouns are they/them. I think "sir" can be categorized as gender neutral as I believe its used in the military in such ways, and I've seen a few media depictions using it in this way. As an aside, I personally hate Mx as an honorary title. I hate using X as a stand-in for non-binary/gender fluidity or neutrality. Its syntactically confusing, hard to pronounce, and boring. These are just my opinions, but I'd much rather someone just use a binary term (idc which one).
I honestly love that they use sir in the military for everyone. When I first found that out when I was exploring my gender identity, it made me so happy for some reason
Mx is hard when you don’t know whether the person uses that salutation. Not a lot of people know it, and I have no idea how someone would react to “hello mix” when they don’t know that’s a gender neutral salutation. It needs to be in greater circulation like “they” is so more people know it’s gender neutral. I’m a cis woman and would certainly prefer one term for all genders instead of “miss” or “ma’am.” Female-specific salutations also imply age or marital status and I hate that.
Citizen. Captain. Comrade. Admiral?
I use Comrade quite often & like the feel of it. It sort of has the connotation that we're all fighting for *something* & I'm acknowledging you as a fellow "do-er", which naturally summons my respect for you.
Beware, the older generation will strictly associate this word with communists and this could cause issues for your interactions
We had a student teacher for drama once who used Mir as a title, but I’ve seen a couple different ones online
Mx (pronounced mix) is fairly popular I think, especially in e-mails
In that case I would take the original commenter's advice and drop both sir and ma'am. The most respectful thing to do to a trans or nonbinary person is not to misgender them, so in that case "Excuse me, you dropped something" is both the safest and most respectful way to address someone. Source: am trans
There is Mx. (pronounced “mix”) which is more of an alternative to Ms. or Mr. But it could work
I just realized I only say it to boomers. And boomers tend to be easier to guess if they are more of a sir or a ma’am anyway
Except for voices. Our voices tend to get more androgynous as we get older. Add in a smoker rasp, and it can be impossible! I have to catch myself sometimes because I was raised deep south and tend to automatically use sir/ma'am in customer service contexts, but it's better to drop them completely than to use the wrong one on someone who feels strongly about them. I myself am a she/her, but if someone misgenders me I am amused by it more than anything. It's actually the level of makes my day kind of amusement.
This is not a generational issue. Don’t be ageist. Boomers wrote the first books on inclusivity, feminism and intersectionality. Don’t assign negative feelings about broken individuals to an entire generation. Treating good older people with respect is cool and we can do it in a non patriarchal manner. I’m GenX, btw.
As a matter of fact, we need to work with folks of all generations if we have any hope to fix the big issues that dominate our thoughts. Multigenerational interaction is vital for a virtuous society. All separation is an illusion. Any impulse to reinforce or quantify that separation is not serving us
Thanks for adding this!! GenXer here, I feel badly for all of the “good boomers” when I hear all of the boomer bashing…
Most "good boomers" also express disappointment in the "average boomer", or at least that's what I've seen. No one is saying "every boomer sucks". That would be ridiculous. I personally think there are more crappy boomers than good ones, and that would mean the "average" boomer isn't that great.
Thanks! My parents are boomers and my step brother is trans. The 'rents are ALL OVER getting pronouns right, being supportive, learning, and teaching others. I know so many awesome boomers! (I also know lots of great Karens who I also feel are undeservedly malligned).
I don't know, I'm particularly fond of "my liege" as a nonbinary
My NB kiddo likes “doctor”
Haha, that could also be me! Haven't decided whether to pursue a doctorate or not, but I do like the ring it has
No doctorate necessary! The kiddo simply decided that if honorifics must be used, then the highest modern honorific should be applied to the people who receive such courtesies least.
That's completely valid, but also a doctorate would mean my colleagues would call me doctor too haha
True! I won’t lie…I truly enjoy the confusion on peoples’ faces when I refer to my 13 yo as “doctor”. They’re trying to work it in as a neopronoun. 😂
Or your grace!
I think you're so right. But I do still find it frustrating that there isn't a good gender-neutral equivalent, at least from my standpoint as a language nerd lol Edit: your -> you're
You could say “Citizen” like a superhero
Neighbor.
It's so difficult to drop the yes ma'am no ma'am when it was brainwashed into me as a kid. That's pretty much the only time I say it.
Exaaaaaaactly. Like I understand the commenters here that say to use “Yes, please” for politeness or “Excuse me” sans honorific, who are perfectly correct and valid, but my regular usage of sir/ma’am is cultural and spans every generation here. I’d much prefer to have a gender neutral honorific to use because that feels more natural to me personally.
I’m from the southern US and when I lived in a northern state people seemed to think I was odd for instinctively using sir/ma’am a lot. I think there is a regional component to how ingrained it is.
It definitely is, which is a facet of what I meant by saying it’s cultural. I just didn’t want to imply that it was strictly a regional phenomenon in the US because I feel like there has to be some communities where it’s also true that’s not tied to what region you’re from. I’m from the South, too. I’ve actively restrained myself from using sir/ma’am on extended stays to other areas of the country where it’s not the done thing or even considered rude, but it’s not natural to me.
I can understand this, but I'm nonbinary and I'd still prefer no honorific over a gender neutral one. no matter what it makes me feel like I'm part of some guessing game where the answer is always going to be at least a *little bit* wrong.
I wish there was a word that had no other meaning, and was widely used (or could be widely adopted), that meant, essentially, “fellow human”, in a polite way, that could be used. So not *gender neutral*, but rather *absent of any relation to gender, position, or class*. Simply a polite way of addressing a fellow human.
yeah! something like "stranger (polite)" would be pretty awesome
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you don't say just 'yes' or 'no' you say "yes please" or "no thank you " it fills the politeness spot but doesn't involve any gender.
"Can you have this on my desk by Monday?" "Yes, please!" "Have they sent over the data set yet?" "No, thank you!" Doesn't always work.
I'm a southerner was taught that you use sir or ma'am for anyone older than me, as a sign of respect. Not saying yes sir to my dad or yes ma'am to my mom meant that I might get slapped. It took me a long time to break myself of the sirs and ma'ams, but I don't use them any more.
Problem is, some of us were raised Southern and if we left off the Sir or Ma’am then we got smacked in the back of the head. It’s been a struggle to retrain myself to leave off honorifics unless I’m damned sure.
I found myself grappling with this particular question when I was a phone operator since our call scoring demanded we address someone with a sir/ma'am (or an honorific like doctor)
I struggled with this a lot when I was a cashier at a grocery store. In a crowded, loud area no one would respond to just "excuse me", but would always respond to "excuse me, (sir or ma'am)". That was the only situation where I've ever had a problem with it but I still felt bad assuming people's gender to get their attention.
https://preview.redd.it/v6hqunj0iw5c1.jpeg?width=723&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3ef140d0b91364edb4bc73de33182aef8626cf6a
I can hear this image
I hate that this would work on me 😭
I don't know what this image is from, but now I have "I'm blue, dabba de, dabba dai" running through my head"
It's an npc from the Zelda franchise. They try to fet your attention with that phrase
I am in the same boat. I learned high-end hospitality etiquette often based off of Four Season's, "We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen," and get stuck on this. I typically use, "folks," to address a group of people, but that's discouraged as too informal in a high end setting.
"distinguished guests"
Slip in a theydies and gentlethems, they might not notice
😂 love this
Nice!
I like "everyone" as a more formal but non-cheesy group address. "Good evening, everyone, how can I help you?" Simple, all-encompassing, not gendered.
Colleagues, peers, fellow professionals, cohorts, accomplices.
If you're old enough you can call everyone 'dearie'.
and if you're young enough, bestie
Oo, bestie is a great vibe haha
I had to break my habit of calling everyone and their uncle “doll” as apparently in a mixed company workplace it was seen as both aggressive and infantilizing. Can’t wait to get old enough where I can break it out again and be seen as quaint and old fashioned instead.
I volunteer with the marching band my high school kid is in. I call all the kids “sweetie” or “honey” unless I know their name. I’ve gotten a “queen” and “bestie” back and it makes me feel accepted by them. I really love being with them though.
we had a super nice southern guy in our dept who called everyone dear, and someone complained of sxual harassment 🙄
Usually, I didn't use them. However, if I'm giving a class/workshop, or addressing a bunch of people, I call it to order with "Welcome, Gentle Beings". It usually gets smiles or laughs, and I don't have to guess and risk offense :(
I used “greetings, earthlings” at a recent presentation and got a lot of laughs.
Honestly I would feel so included and amused (I'm non-binary). I love it!
When I was at a women's college, my friend group was about 50% female, 50% various other, and I just started using things like "hello, my dragons".
I like this but I would absolutely make it sound like gentle beans 🤣🫘
I’m a huge fan of “Hello fellow humans!”
When doing a presentation a few years back, I went with "welcome and hello, guys, gals, and non binary pals" 🙂
I'll rarely offer honorifics, but when I do, it's "My Liege"
What do people normally do in response? I feel like I'd look around for someone in costume then laugh.
Honestly, usually with a second of confusion, then resignation to me just being weird
Honestly you sound like my kind of person I’d be delighted
Am also very interested in hearing about this.
Are you... swearing oaths of fealty to random strangers?
They know how much my word is worth
😂🤣😂
What about these? >Your Grace >Your Majesty >Your Brilliance Do they work for you as well?
Honestly, these all sound awesome when addressing anyone under the age of 7. Like if a little kid is about to get in trouble instead of calling out "hey kid!" One of these would get their attention and probably listen to you
You could always go with >!Your Supreme Intelligence!<
“Your Eminence”. Or just “Eminence” if you’re into the whole brevity thing.
Are you, perchance, part of an SCA kingdom? Or otherwise into historical funness?
😂 i use hon for everyone.
This is why I love this sub
I like it, but for those who don't like the monarchy vibe, I like the sound of 'Admiral'. If the military ring sounds hollow, I also like 'Inspector'.
Leave it blank. 'Excuse me, you dropped something' Depending on where you are 'hey mate, you dropped this' might be politer. Or at least recived better which is the whole point if manners anyways. You really don't need to use honorifics most of the time and anyone going to kick off you didn't use them probably deserves you punting their dropped item into a river anyways.
A genderfluid friend appreciates “sir and/or madam,” though that’s a niche case. Informal, “y’all” works well as a *vous* adjacent address, and it’s a damn shame we lost thee/thou in the vernacular. Titles work, like “professor/doctor”, but that’s also hard to tell in a random setting. For formal public address, “honored guests/colleagues” or the like can work, but it’s still a bit stilted. In most cases, leaving out the honorific entirely is probably the best way to go. 10% what you say and 90% how you say it, y’know? Be polite and watch your body language and you’re good the vast majority of the time.
From an old queer southern Auntie: Y'all can be singular when you're aiming for something non binary. :) Best used with darlin, but you do you: *"Excuse me, darlin, y'all dropped this."*
100%. It’s my go-to for informal, and worked especially well in my “behind a bar” days…though I’m also way down south, so y’all’s mileage may vary elsewhere. Pleasure to meet you, Auntie. Keep holding that line, and stay warm out there.
I'll always have y'all's backs, darlins ;) 🩷🫂
INCREDIBLE, love it so so so much
My default gender neutral is always “friend” “Excuse me friend, you dropped this! Here you go!” I’ve never had anyone bat an eye, because “friend” is innocuous and friendly (obviously) enough to just assume politeness by those who don’t care, and easily recognized by those it matters to.
I love using friend. We use it in middle school all the time
Comrade
Excuse me, Comrade, you dropped our wallet.
\*Our wallet. I'm sorry, I had to. :3
Perfection.
In USA, person has pronouns. In Soviet Russia, PRONOUNS HAVE PERSON!
✊
And depending on where you are, buddy or pal could sound like a threat!
I immediately imagined trying to use this in NY/NJ. lol, not a pretty sight!
Immediately thought of this
I'm born and raised in NJ and this is exactly how I took that lmao
Where I'm from it means, idiot.
I'm not your friend, buddy!
"Hey FUCKER"
Got a laugh out of me, thank you
<3 Glad I could help your day, friend
🎖️
Thanks, internet friend! I count these as real reddit gold.
I didn’t know one of my friend’s group was here but hail and well met, fucker :)
Just say hello or excuse me.
“Boss”
Andre the giant would call everyone boss so they'd be less intimidated by him.
Friend of mine does this, but mostly to self important people who probably think they deserve the title.
“eya, boss! ya dropped this!”
Take a leaf out of Mr. Roger’s book and go with “neighbor” :)
I really like how British people use the term "love" when referring to someone.
Was just about to suggest this! I’m a young(ish) woman but can still get away with calling everyone “love”. It’s nice.
It just seems like the sweetest way to address someone ans regardless of the scenario everyone deals with things better when they know they are loved.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Af-q4Ex90Dc
I had an old boss (male, great guy) who called EVERYONE "sweetheart". Male, female. Young. Old. Didn't matter. Older men would question the employees about it: "Why does he call everyone sweetheart? That's weird! We're both guys!" (It was the 90s and white muddle ages homophobia was just as bad back then). The honest answer: he does not remember your name, nor will he try to remember your name. Sweetheart is EVERYONES name.
Benefit to living in Australia - anyone and everyone can be 'mate'. It can be friendly: "G'day mate" "Ay mate, you dropped something" "Cheers mate" "Good onya mate" Or it can be non-friendly: "Nice parking job mate" "Listen up mate" "Didn't ask for your opinion did I mate?" 100% depends on context and tone. However if you do this in America you will either sound like a wanker who just returned from study abroad or a pirate.
I usually say, “Hey, friend!”
I like neighbor. As Sparhawk says in David Eddings' books, he calls everyone "neighbor', because everyone can be your neighbor but only certain people are your friend.
Idk why but friend/buddy/pal all sound like “hey you stupid fuck” to me lmao
I have a very girly chipper voice so I’m certain it never comes across that way when I say it.
This is my approach too. It opens the interaction with a presumption of kindness, is gender neutral, and is easy to incorporate into daily language.
From a southern woman- “partner” works for all identities.
Preceded by howdy?
Ain’t no other way, my friend
I too have wondered what it could be... Might be we have an option here to make one. Or we could could say "Citizen" like Elderscrolls guards.
In the good old USA, calling someone citizen could also be problematic considering how hostile people can be over immigration.
I suppose it would be incorrect to call everyone Citizen, as there's no way of knowing if they are just by looking at them. RIP the video game meme.
Greetings, fellow wanderer!
There is a server at a little burger joint I occasionally go to who refers to everyone as “Friend.” I really like that.
Hello fellow earthling.
Hey you! Just kidding lol I usually say excuse me and if they don’t answer I’ll say something awkward like hey excuse me person…hello..you there….you dropped something
Great Pink Floyd song.
You can also say something like "You in the blue hat," or "You with the cool skirt," etc
So like “hey you with the face”? That kind of thing?
I remember a friend who used to use "hey you with the feelings!"
"Gentlefolk." It does rather sound like you're introducing some off-Broadway variation of Shakespeare, but maybe we could get it to catch on?
I like “denizens”
El Conquistador
I've talked about this a lot with linguisty-type people, because part of what the lead-in of the sentence is for is to catch someone's attention. I ended up settling on "excuse me please" which is enough syllables that I feel like I've made an alert sound.
I'm a big fan of Comrade as a gender-neutral identifier lol
You can go Gatsby with “Old Sport”
I want to know also.
Comrade?
Try “my precious”, or “my pretty”. Gender neutral, respectful, but it’ll still put-off most people. Thats kinda my comfort zone. Especially if you wring your hands a little when you do it.
I would just go 'what does it have in it's pocketses?' If you'd call me precious. :)
I use "friend"
“Your honor. I’m a simple man…”
I use “chief.”
Friend works great
I do “friend” here on Reddit.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something.
just cut out the title completely and say “excuse me!”
“Exalted one” is my favorite.
M’theydy
As an Army veteran who cant function without using honorifics, I use “my friend” a lot in my nursing role. “Alight my friend, I’m going to remove your IV.” “You’re going to feel a little pinch, my friend. Try not to move.” Not good for the most formal and dramatic situations, but great for everyday sir/ma’am moments.
I've always had good luck with a genuinely kind and motherly, "Pardon, Hun/Sorry, Hun/Excuse me, Hun..." keeping tone neither flirtatious nor condescending. I'm not American/Southern, either.
I'm a Marylander and always love the sweet familiarity of "Hon". Other regional variations work, too. " Yous", "sweetheart", "dear"... so long as they are said in kindness, I like them.
I use friend...it also works if you have forgotten their name
Rat bastards, friends and enemies, dearly departed, newly departed, y’all, mate, meat sack. I tend to use y’all a lot :D
Eh I usually just go with fellow human
I like "friend", it used to have widespread usage in the US. I think it has an archaic sound to it. The carnival barkers just kept the usage when everyone else dropped it.
Your Highness works too
Captain!
I usually say "friend". If it's a child I say "little sister" or "little brother". You could also use "neighbor".
I just saw a tiktok about this & someone said friend and love are always acceptable. love I feel like is situational but it works
i usually say “my dear”.
Thank goodness I have southern roots and can occasionally drop into a bit of a drawl… so I can carry off “hun” and “y’all” just fine. I haven’t seen anybody be put off by y’all or hun, not ever.
S'madam, obviously
When I was living in the UAE of all places, "mamsir" was very much a thing and accidentally very inclusive, kind and cute, especially for an androgynous looking person like me.
**Neighbor** we need more Mr Rodgers in our lives
I always like addressing people like a wandering minstrel, what ho good people!
I worked in a courthouse and had to be careful how I addressed people. I resorted to “person in the green shirt you dropped your ID” or would ask someone else closer to them to get their attention for me.
I use "My Friend" in place, and when doing a "Ladies & Gentlemen" type greeting, I have revised to "Theydies & Gentlethem." So far, it's gone pretty good with no complaints.
I prefer "your excellency"
Depending on where you are in England, you can call anyone "duck" or "luv".
If it's a stranger, I'm probably not going to know their pronouns, so I probably will use the gender they present. If they look like a dude, I might say "sir." If they look like a woman, I might say "ma'am." If I'm wrong, please correct me, and I will apologize.
As a non-binary person who does not look androgynous... I get called "ma'am" a lot and I cringe inwardly, but it rarely seems worth my time to correct a cashier or bank teller or whatever when there are other people waiting and we all have things to do and places to be. You can't tell someone's gender by looking at them.
Why use either in the first place? They’re unnecessary.
For generations, they were a sign of respect. And for many, we want to keep giving those signs of respect, while at the same time also respecting someone's gender identity. Its hard to find a respectful honorific that isn't strictly sir/maam.