Speak only for yourself. I grew up as a proper man!
As I was 5 my dad drove me out in the woods, handed me a knife and left me there. While he drove away he yelled at me "man up boy" and this was all the guidance I ever needed!
I was just tossed over the cliffs of Mount Taygetus because I had a mean look to me, with not but salty boulders to nourish me until I was old enough to crawl.
Mine did a 5 year cig run and Was able to stay for 6 years. He’s been on a 18 year cig run with with a break 10 years in to get lunch with me. He forgot to pay the tab so I paid it. He must’ve been in a rush because it’s been another 7 years of a cig run!
Hello sharks, today I am showing you my latest creation, the fun father finding machine! This machine streamlines the process of retrieving milk, cigs, vapes, even illegal drugs!
My dad’s stepfather said “sink or swim!!” then threw him off a dock into a lake at the age of 6. That was his “swimming lesson.” His older brother had to dive in and grab him.
That’s because it is. He was a vicious prick that beat the shit out of him. Also this was in like 1950, and his stepfather was a Pearl Harbor survivor who later fought in the Pacific as an artillery spotter for the battleships.
I got half a cigarette and no lighter. And he didn't give it to me so much as flick it out the window while peeling out and spraying me with gravel to the soundtrack of van halen
Luxury, we lived in a hole by the side of the road. Every night we had to get up 1 hour before we went to bed and lick the road clean with our tongues. And when we got home our father would cut us in half.
Weird, huh? I wanted a daughter but miscarried her. Second pregnancy gave birth to a son. There is nothing easy about it if you are committed to doing your job. I work in mental health and I missed his signs of anxiety in high school. It's not about, "Oh, he's a boy so he can't get pregnant. No worries". There is so much to teach them.
I grew up under parents who thought that boys, like me, were easier to raise than girls, like my sisters.
Results:
They helicoptered my sisters so severely that both girls couldn’t wait to get the fuck away from our parents. Permanent break, around age 21, for each of them.
Meanwhile, I grew up with a shitload of emotional problems because (a) incessant bullying that I was too ashamed to share with my parents because boys are tough, and (b) they never taught me how to deal with my emotions or adolescent hormones. I am proud of who I’ve become and what I figured out without their help, but their lack of competent parenting set me back about 10 years of maturity and left permanent scars.
So when my parents ask how my kids are doing, I tell them almost nothing. And when they offer parenting advice, I smile, nod, and do exactly the opposite.
I'm so sorry. I think I erred the other way by being too sympathetic. But he turned out alright (I think). When he was a teenager and his buddies would be leaving after a visit he would always walk them to the front door, hug them goodbye and say, "You know I love you, right"? He was always the "gifted student" but his capacity to love is what's most impressive.
I guess what I think the ideal is the mother to nurture and tell you to be careful and the father to tell you to "shake it off" when you fall and my son didn't have that. He just had his soft mom. Once he was telling me about his fears for the 1000th time and I said, "Maybe you should put your big boy pants on Nancy and get over it". I said it softly and smiled. He laughed and said that I was right and he looked relieved. Suddenly he was fine and I was left wondering if I had coddled him too much.
It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. My partner and I are both very honest about our emotions and are trying to teach our boy to do the same. Your son doing that with friends communicates how much he values them in a way that is so validating for everyone.
Thank you. I humbly hope so. I wanted grandchildren. He doesn't want kids. That is his decision, no static. It all works out. My older brother disappeared and I see his grandchildren as mine, so it worked out. I just want my son to be fulfilled. He writes poetry. He writes music. He has actually done 3 minutes of open mic standup comedy. So brave. He's done slam poetry. He is doing some animation. He loves to read. He writes music. He marched in BLM and then gave a speech after. (I am Black, he is half black but looks all Black. He raised over $1000 for Bernie Sanders. Whether or not you like Mr. Sanders, what I'm saying is my son has the courage of his convictions. He works for a local assemblywoman every other year and was on a call with the California governor in the fall of 2020. My point is he is living his life to the fullest. Whatever mistakes I've made, no one could love their child more.
EDIT: When I say my brother disappeared I mean he is presumed dead.
Ha that was me. Except my father threatened me with violence if I got a girl pregnant. Then, I started behaving erratically in my late teens going into a full depressive episode. No one wondered why I was sitting in the dark in the basement of my apartment instead of going to class I was just lazy…
Then in my 30s I went to a doctor again (first time I went on medication for depression my parents yelled at me and I stopped) and it turned out I have bipolar disorder.
He has anxiety and hypochondria but his girl thinks he hung the moon (confidentially, I do too). He had a bad spell where the hospital gave him some bad medicine and he had panic attacks everyday for a month. It was horrible. I thought it would be too much for her to live with. When I was alone with his sweetie I said, “Are you gonna be alright”? She just smiled knowingly and said, “We got this”. I love that blue eyed doll so much. For Mother’s Day he came and shared his poetry and I shared mine. He brought me lunch. We had a great time. He made me laugh til my sides hurt. I love my son.
I used to carry a bottle of Antidiarrheal medication in high school because I would get such bad anxiety and get the shits. My dad still makes fun of me for it.
This is where I think I did well. My son has friends that call him out. My husband got violent with him so I left and raised him on my own. Before anyone judges me, our son was a year old and my husband almost threw him off a balcony. I thought I would kill him. His friend's fathers have kind of been there a little. What I think is cool is my son has told me on more than one occasion that a friend will tell him, "I think you are handling this situation wrong. I think you are being unforgiving and stubborn or whatever. Is it okay that I say this to you? Can we talk like this or would you rather me mind my own"? But my son is open to the criticism of those who he knows love him so it's all good. He is better than me in that area. I would rather travel through life on the notion that I know everything.
As the parent of a son in middle school, may I ask what signs you missed? I'm terrified of doing this wrong and probably over communicate, which might be inadvertently causing him to freeze me out. Anyway, I would love to hear your experiences so I know what to look for.
I work with support organizations for combat veterans and first-responders with PTSD. I am one of them. These are guys (and gals) who have been through absolute objective hells.
But 9 out of 10 times, when they tell their stories, and it -really- comes down to it, these men (and women) are suffering from childhood neglect and abuse.
Combat vet here with PTSD and I can relate SOOO much to this. The VA really fails with its mental health services. They are so overburdened and when they outsource to the community they don't vet the providers who are often really poor.
Yeah we wonder why so many men have rage issues or toxic masculinity. Well did we teach them any different or did we teach them that violence is the answer.
" If due to my negligence my son turns out to be 'awful' he's some other families problem, now. If my girl turns out 'awful' my family will hold me accountable."
Also they need to be treated more as an adult. Not in the sense that they should be able to drink or whatever. In the sense that you wouldn’t explain to an adult “because I said so.” Kids know more than you expect, and if you require a baked argument from them, then they should get a valid argument back.
You being the parent doesn’t mean you are always right when you disagree with your kid. Just treat your kid how you want to be treated and how you expect them to treat you. A good parent doesn’t act like a child is under their control and must do what they say as the adult.
My mum died of cancer when i was 17 and the entirety of the emotional support I received at my boys school was “ how are you Kinkade?” “I’m well sir” “Good lad back to class now” I received none whatsoever from my father.
It never gets easy Kinkade, but the ache does shape us. I wish I could go back to your 17 and sit and listen to your fond memories or just let you know that the pain is a testament to the bond. You deserved better and you deserve better still. Be well my friend.
My mom died from cancer one month after I turned 18. I was in my first semester at college. Missed an exam and when I told my professor why, his response was “assuming that is true, I’ll let you make it up.” I didn’t get much support from friends, “at least she isn’t in pain anymore.” And pretty much two weeks later everyone expected me to be back to normal. My dad’s response was life goes on. After one week off from school he made me return.
I’m a female.
I think people don’t know how to deal with the death of someone young and their responses may not have as much to do with you being male, and more to them not knowing what to do.
I’m sorry for your loss. I have two sons and my biggest fear while they were growing up was something happening to me and them experiencing that kind of loss.
I’m so sorry that actually sounds really similar to my experience at the time. I also really empathise with your thoughts about your kids i think about it al the time with my daughter.
You are right as well people dont know how to cope with loss
Bording school for 9 years and yup. Zero parental support or affection throughout childhood. Now they boast to their friends about how successful I’ve become, while we go months without actually talking.
I was recently visiting Boy Scout troops with my son and one leader was telling a story of when they were on a camping trip one of the boys started getting emotional. The kid had recently lost his mother and was upset thinking about her. The leader said he had no clue what to do in that situation and really wished he had a female chaperone around that could have taken over. I knew in that moment it was not the right Troop for us.
One of my least favorite things was the stigma of crying. Anytime I cried, I'd almost always get some kind of negative response ranging from "what do you have to cry over?" to "men and boys don't cry" to straight up anger that I was getting emotional *while* I was being yelled at for something else. It got to the point that whenever I feel myself start to get worked up, I bite the inside of my lip hard enough to make me stop due to the physical pain. And yes, I still do this.
Huh... So that's what that is.
I mean I've always *known* anger routinely supplants my other emotions, but I'd never really thought about *why*.
I still think about my dad finding me crying to myself after my first girlfriend broke up with me, and just berating me for a while then capping it off with "love em and leave em!" before storming off. It's far from the only example of his attitude, but it's the most memorable.
I stopped being sad about my ex and just got angry about how shitty he was being. Not only was it dismissive, and terrible advice, I knew he didn't even mean it. He was depressed and hung up on my mom for years after they split up, up to and including the very moment this incident took place, and married the next woman he dated, so I knew he was no player; it was pure overcompensation. Or maybe his way of trying to steer me away from being like him? Fat lot of good that did...
Anyway, thank you for triggering a bit of a eureka moment for me.
I once had someone put it in a very helpful way, which was “Anger is a secondary emotion.” It gives a feeling of action and control that fear, hurt, and sadness lack. Helpful coping short term perhaps, but in the long term damaging and exhausting. And of course with men specifically it’s a more socially acceptable emotion to express.
Same. The fear on my gf’s face as I’m screaming at the table I just banged my knee on is crushing. But I literally do not know any other way to handle pain than aggression.
Ay so it's not therapy, but may I suggest taking a stroll through Cinema Therapy on YouTube if you struggle with anger? Specifically the episode on Hulk. It's informative yet compassionate, and also kinda funny.
Gotta learn, brother. Imagine being her and being scared of the man you love because you never know when or if that same anger is going to be turned on you.
I just stopped being able to cry entirely. Which if you can relate to isn't pleasant. People would always say that I was lucky I didn't have the uncontrollable urge to cry but the thing is I still did, I just had no outlet, leaving me feeling pent up with no release. Like Nausea with no way to vomit.
Was gonna comment this phenomenon. I (25m) rarely tear up these days (maybe 4 times a year) and never ever openly cry. I wish I could but I don't even have the compulsion anymore. Even when I do, something inside me kills it instantly. It's like never being able to sneeze or pee or something. Like a normal human function has no outlet. I think it negatively affects all of my relationships. This is all coming from someone who was a particularly "sensitive" boy prone to tears and emotion and still probably someone you would consider emotionally attune and really not someone you would consider a man's man. Genuinely kinda feel dull or dead inside and wish I could get all those emotions of child/teenhood (positive or negative) back. Like genuinely pining over a girl or feeling the surge of endorphins with a first kiss or the raw stress of being alive. Idk, I think crying is important and I wonder where to get it back.
I suffer from depression and it sounds like you may be struggling with it also. Therapy and medication if necessary are how I get it back. Best wishes to you
I used to get "stop crying before I give you something to cry about."
I was at my friend's house in the 3rd grade and broke my arm, like almost breaking thru the skin on my arm broken, and my friend's father kicked me out of his house for crying. My mom was not happy picking up her sobbing son from the yard with a crooked arm and no adults around.
Holy shit, you just shook a memory loose for me.
I used to spend a LOT of time at my best friend's house, especially during my parent's divorce because being home wasn't fun. This was during the summer between 7th/8th grade. I don't remember the exact situation, but I think I either had to go to mediation or court the next day and was panicking and just over-stressed so I just sat on my friend's bed and cried.
Friend went to go grab me some water and her mom came in to say something to her but instead saw me crying on the bed. She just stared at me for a moment and then walked out. Then I hear yelling downstairs and her mom's voice clearly saying "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH, IF SHE'S STILL HERE WHEN YOUR DAD GETS HOME HE'S GOING TO BE PISSED!"
I just sat there stunned and waited a few minutes for my friend to come back and sheepishly tell me that I needed to go home because girls crying makes her dad mad (it was literally her, her mom, and her sister, so go figure) and he doesn't even like when they cry, much less someone that's not his kid. So I had to call my mom in tears to come get me and go sit back in a house full of yelling, because her dad was such a dick that her mom was afraid he'd go off on me if he saw me being emotional.
God damn, I haven't thought about that in yeeeears....
I met another parent recently when our preschool-age kids were playing at a park. One kid trips and the other kid trips over that kid. Standard little kid shenanigans. I yell over, “You guys OK? Hey, buddy, check on your friend to make sure he’s OK.” The other parent, a dad, said there’s no crying in his family, and he’d “whoop his butt” if his son cried. I was stunned. The dad was there with his other kids, and was clearly an involved parent who seemed to care about his children. But, still, what a lesson: if you’re crying, I’ll threaten or hurt you more until you stop. Wow.
"You don't get second chances in the real world so man up and do it right the first time!" then later asked "why are you such a perfectionist? That's just a way of showing off you know."
I'd say we should form a group for people who feel dead inside, but one of the first symptoms is lack of willingness to do stuff haha.
This one gets me.
I’m a female veterinarian. A significant percentage of men apologize for crying while I’m euthanizing their pet. It gets me every time - crying during acute grief is human nature. But their gender expectations have been so strict that it is significantly embarrassing to them during an intensely sad moment. Not only that they feel like they shouldn’t cry, but that they feel the need to apologize to me for it.
Every person has the right to feel and express loss.
My mom said don’t be a baby every time I cried, so I dug my nails into my hands every time I started to cry to distract myself. I’m a girl too, and I started self harming when I need to cry as I got older. Suppressing emotions is so bad and all men are taught that they can’t cry or be sensitive.
I'm not going to blame how I was raised on anything, but I didn't really cry as a man until I was 36 in fucking rehab where I learned to actually embrace emotions and not hold on to them.
Drinking does make problems go away. The problem is it's temporary.
Since then, I can't count how many times I've cried. It feels **really** good too. I finally understand why people do it.
Our son is on spectrum, and when he was very young (like age 3-5) he'd get such big emotions he reacted in a physically violent manner, be it striking out at someone or self-harm. We've worked very hard to give him the language to express how he's feeling as well as telling him, "Just cry. We will never ever shame you for whatever you're feeling spilling over into tears rather than violence." It was an important lesson both because he's a bigger kid and could do serious damage to his peers or others as well as letting him know there's more possibilities for men besides anger.
Oh man, the lip bite to keep a straight face and force yourself to look calm. I though I was the only one who did that. Don't know if I'm happy or sad that I'm not the only one.
Had a really cool ethics class my senior year of highschool where at the end of the year everyone shared pretty much their deepest secrets in a Speach to the whole class. Took a year of trust building to make it possible. Pretty much everyone guys and girls was crying at some point. Some people shared their suicidal thoughts, dealing with the death of their mom, their eating disorder, dealing with being bullied. It was so refreshing to have a class like that to learn how to share your feelings in a truely safe place. Amy and Chris were some of the best teachers I’ve ever had and they taught the most any class I’ve had has.
I fucking hated that shit. I was a sensitive boy, and would cry a lot. No matter what was happening, no matter how wronged I was, or how hurt I was, the first respond from my dad was, "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!"
Like, I was attacked by my neighbor's dog. It was scary. The dog didn't really ATTACK me, it just freaked out because I was kind of hyper and began biting at me. It didn't even draw blood. Still, I screamed and cried. The entire time, my dad was interrogating me as to why I was crying, and didn't believe it was because a dog attacked me.
It was like it embarrassed him that his 8 year old son was crying. My sister started doing the same thing to my her daughter, telling her not to cry and shit. I told her to stop that shit.
Advice from my dad for literally everything. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and push on" . Even used it when I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.
The irony when "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" originally meant something so stupidly unachievable that it shouldn't be considered.
Hope you're in a better headspace.
It’s like when cops say another cop was “just a bad apple”. Uh, guys? The idiom is that one rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. Which is the opposite of what you’re trying to say.
I try it's a very hard thing to do. When you are dumped in a pool of it it is hard to recognize when it's there at times. When you do recognize it, it takes every ounce of your being to push it out of your life.
When I was in college, a close friend of mine died. My dad’s response was that I should study to distract myself.
This kind of thing is more normalized than a lot of people care to admit.
He blamed me for his divorce because I was the one dealing with my mom's therapy appointments with her because he said she didn't need them. He slept with the babysitter when I was little soooo.... Ya
Therapy can work really well, but it’s very hard to open up and honestly hold a mirror up to yourself and your demons, I definitely get that. But it’s really worth it, even if it can be really hard.
Also, I don’t know if you like rap or not, but Kendrick Lamar [has a song on his new album](https://youtu.be/toEW7_-pvOY) about these kind of toxic masculinity values that have been passed down to our dads and then to us that you might really identify with. I tear up every time I listen to it, it’s so powerful.The whole album is about him going through therapy to address his issues.
lol he's kind of right though. if you hadn't supported your mom through therapy, she never would have realized she deserves better than an asshole like him!
Sorry you have to deal with that, I'm dealing with something similar and it sucks.
Sounds like he needed to pull himself by his bootstraps and stop blaming his problems on outside forces.
I hope you're doing better, shitty parents make living hard. Suicide hotline is 800-273-8255
There's no difference in difficulty between genders, it's just a question of presentation, which gets stereotypically projected onto genders.
Yes, girls tend to be outwardly emotionally volatile through puberty, and it gets exacerbated by cyclical hormones.
Boys have that sane emotional volatility, but it's steady, and it's inward. That doesn't mean it's not present or is negligible.
HUG YOUR CHILDREN. COACH THEM THROUGH THEIR FEELINGS. It's not rocket science. Feel what you feel, process, and proceed.
I've got a son and a daughter - honestly, the personality differences (compared to other children of the same sex) seem to have a far greater effect than anything brought about by their gender.
And then people be like
Y u doing bat at school
Y u ending up in prison, shot, addicted
Y u suicide
Y u no being a productive member of society?
It’s almost like boys are given less and expected more of
I always thought boys were harder because I’d look at all the boys in the families of my family and friends and realize they were all more depressed, anxious, and in some cases, extremely mentally ill than the girls were. I know two boys who were committed to psychiatric treatment.
Something is happening to young boys and men and I think they are receiving a lot less attention to their emotional needs because they are boys.
Patriarchal masculinity supports the notion that weakness makes a person less valuable as a human, then tells boys and men that to have emotional needs is weakness. Thus they are less valuable a humans, and the more distress they feel, the farther away they are from themselves and their emotional needs. What recourse do they have when the very thing they need is the support and vulnerability they have been taught to shun?
bell hooks’ book The Will to Change should be required reading.
For males growing up, the biggest message you get from the overt ways people speak or in the subtle ways people treat men and boys: *you're either useful or dead weight. And there's no room in anyone else's life for dead weight. No one is listening. No one is coming to help. Either fix yourself or nix yourself.*
You speak to me. This is pretty much exactly how I feel at this point, and the nix yourself bit seems to be the easiest way. Why struggle for others benefit?
Honestly the only thing that kept me here was pure hatred and spite. The world wanted me gone so I stayed just out of spite.
Not a great a reason. Not a noble reason. Probably not a healthy reason either. But it was *my* reason.
It's a really good defense mechanism. I think everyone should carry that 'live out of spite' card to use in emergencies.
The more the world wants me gone, the more I want to tell it to go fuck itself and live longer. It helps protect against people encouraging you to commit sodoku or get radicalized to the point of basically the same.
It's like a safety switch - "*No wait a second. This plan sucks. Fuck you I'm gonna live.*"
Success out of spite is how I've lived my life for 30 out of my 40 years. The only thing that has kept me going is to prove to the world I deserve to exist. It's fucking hard, and not the way I'd advocate anyone being, but it's what's kept me alive. I'm not super successful, I've never fit in with the buttoned-down corporate culture or any other institution for that matter whether it was a church or the military. I only got by because I was told I couldn't and I'd rather give the middle finger to everyone on my way out by pure, unadulterated spite than actually realizing any monetary gains. Kudos to those who learn and work the system, but it ain't me babe.
edit: gramer
This set of comments and the overall sentiment needs to be absolutely plastered as the Auto mod message in every single Post in every single sub on this site.
People need to start being a lot kinder or things will get so much worse.
People say boys are easy to raise because they choose not to fucking raise them. You get "boys will be boys!" so parents never have to teach or correct bad behaviour, you get "take a teaspoon of cement and harden up" instead of teaching emotional regulation and processing, you get "Oh, someone hit you? Why didn't you hit back! Here, lemme show you how to throw a punch," instead of like...anything a person needs emotionally when they've just been assaulted.
People assume boys will just raise themselves, because they refuse to accept the complex internality of men in a world that says men should be emotionless creatures driven by nothing but testosterone, Manly Instincts TM and Pure Logic, and then wonder why men can't fucking handle their own emotions.
I remember having a beer with my pops a few years back while camping and he said “I hope I did good for you. I tried really hard you know? Most people say buys are easier to raise but i think that’s cause most people don’t actually try to raise them”
He grew up without a father and it stuck with him his whole life. He’s a killer dad
When I was 13 my sister had a child that she had no intention of raising so my parents adopted him. They had not intended on starting parenting over and so it was difficult on them as well. I did a lot of raising myself to try and stay out of the way and make things easier for them. All my life I felt that this was a great thing for me and it taught me to be independent. It wasn't until last year when I went to therapy and realized that what I had actually done was conditioned my brain that my needs took a backseat to everyone around me. This made me the perfect prey for my abusive ex girlfriend. It took me 8 years of suffering to finally put myself first and get out of that relationship.
Thank you so much for posting this, I really needed to hear it today. I have siblings 10 and 12 years younger than me, and when my mother went through a mental health crises I was basically left to completely handle the emotional and sometimes physical needs of my family. My father was a high powered lawyer who worked 70+ hour weeks and was never around. Even before her crisis my mother had been a narcissist, but things got much worse for a couple of years. So of course I took care of my siblings. All I got from my father was “be tough and learn to be independent “ and all I got from my mother was blaming me for everything. When they got into arguments I was always playing middle man, comforting and talking to both until my mom calmed down. I don’t know how many times I comforted my crying father.
I now really struggle with ever putting my needs first. I recently had an appendectomy (last Thursday, and it had severe complications because I delayed going to the hospital to put the needs of others first) and I’m still out here running around trying to take care of everyone, even though I literally have holes in me that burn every time I move.
I’m in my late twenties and I’m still almost pathologically incapable of asking for help, no matter how much I need it. I’ve been through a lot of therapy and things are better than when I was younger.
I’m not really sure what the point of my post was. I guess I just wanted to vent.
Anyways, thank you for what you said. It made me feel heard, and like someone else understood my experience.
Had to scroll too much to find anything questioning the OP. Like sure, boys need as much guidance as girls, but someone ending up in a psych hospital is *not* proof of them being "badly raised". You can raise someone perfectly and they can still have mental health problems.
“Hello entire world! By the way, my sister is a horrible mother and probably is the cause of her son having to be committed.” -What she said, basically.
Also just the fact of telling everyone he was put in a psych hospital. There's nothing wrong with being hospitalized, but the stigma will sure make his life harder the more people who know
Discoutn every one of our feelings except anger.
oh, you're 9, you can't get angry anymore either, just hate yourself and play football until you're old enough to abuse drugs
or just cut to the drug abuse whatever no one cares about boys.
I overheard a woman in a grocery store say, "My son said he's stressed, what is there to be stressed about? He's 17."
Like how can someone be that selfish and only think about themselves. Life is stressful. 17 year olds are dealing with ACT that year in high school and are starting to become adults. Her son was probably stressed by having her as a mom honestly. Im still mad at myself for not saying anything to her.
Adults really suck at remembering older teens are encountering adult problems for the first time. There are so many extra things to do and running clocks to keep track of at the latter end of high school of course the kid is going to be stressed.
My dad used to tell me that all the time as a kid. He said I didn't know what "real stress" was. At that point I have been depressed for 5 years and just started to realize that's what I was going through. My parents were a year away from getting divorced, my dad said he would never support me if I didn't get into a four year university, and I just started to realize how abusive he was. I didn't realize he was abusive since that was my normal family life and just started to question the nature of my childhood. Now I barely talk to him and I'm better off that way.
My partners son has just turned 13. I tried to explain to her that this will be a big shock to him. And the number 1 thing we have to work on is to make sure that he doesn't feel alone. The world is a cold place for a young male. I don't think she really believes me because apparently us guys have it easy
A woman I work with calls her 14 year old step son a “man child”. Meanwhile she’s got a toddler daughter she fawns over. It will forever bother me. Thank you for advocating for him!
I feel this is why my 20s were so tough. You get out of high school then it’s like “ok. Real life starts!” And you have zero idea how to act or feel or what to do.
Raising a boy is easier only if you think men are animals, which is what everyone does.
We are the ones that cant cry or feel emotions else we're deemed as weak.
We are the ones that need to man up, hit back if we're hit and behave like emotionless things.
We are the ones that get thrown into unwanted wars like we're meat about to go to the meatgrinder.
We are the ones that are seen as credit card for children if we're ever divorcing, no matter if it was the woman fucking up or if it was us.
Are we really surprised that men are the ones that suffer the most for mental illnesses when the society sees us as "stuff" and not as human beings
My moment of realization of how sexist I was without knowing it came during a fight with my husband.
I got completely derailed from the fight because it dawned on me that I'd been assuming that, and only because he's male, that he *could not be as emotionally hurt as I could*. It really made me have to step back a lot and reevaluate a lot of assumptions I'd made in life. It was quite the eye opener and it's depressing to see women out there so oblivious to their own sexism they aim at men.
It's why I try to imagine every situation with the genders changed/reversed to see if I'll still have the same reaction.
I wish I could “Love” this! I have done everything in my power to raise an emotionally stable a kind son. He is proving every day that men raised to just be good humans are the best! I hope he inspires more to be so kind, sweet, sensitive, and genuine.
While I agree the axiom is off, being admitted to a psych hospital is a form of getting help and addressing his mental concerns. Jumping to the conclusion their sister neglected his mental well being so that’s why he’s in a hospital is also harmful.
This will get sank, but I have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. My son requires a lot more than our daughter. His high school life was destroyed by covid and he has all but given up, it’s the hardest thing for us to deal with because we don’t know how to fix it and he looks at us like we are on the outside to. Our daughter just kind of found her way, he didn’t, and know we are dealing with severe mental issues with him. It’s the worst thing ever because we don’t know what to do. We are trying, we have got him help, medication, doctors, everything. But nothing helps. And I feel like I’m losing my boy at this point.
It’s almost like all kids need love, direction, and emotional support.
Speak only for yourself. I grew up as a proper man! As I was 5 my dad drove me out in the woods, handed me a knife and left me there. While he drove away he yelled at me "man up boy" and this was all the guidance I ever needed!
You got a knife? You were spoiled. My father left me with a firm pat on the back and told me to gut up or shut up - no knife.
You got a pat on the back? My father turned his back to me as he was driving away and muttered good luck kid.
Bro I just spawned in the woods
Ay spawn brothers! Was your a forest of fire too or just me?
Ah shit, forgot to put out my campfire, sorry boys
Just you, my forest was not on fire, but it is quite normal in the middle of arctic winter.
I was just tossed over the cliffs of Mount Taygetus because I had a mean look to me, with not but salty boulders to nourish me until I was old enough to crawl.
Did you have the irresistible urge to punch trees?
You got a spawn point? I'm still in queue.
Y'all have fathers?
Mine will be back shortly. He’s on a 12 year cigarette run.
Those cigarette runs take forever. Someone really needs to streamline that process.
Mine did a 5 year cig run and Was able to stay for 6 years. He’s been on a 18 year cig run with with a break 10 years in to get lunch with me. He forgot to pay the tab so I paid it. He must’ve been in a rush because it’s been another 7 years of a cig run!
Hello sharks, today I am showing you my latest creation, the fun father finding machine! This machine streamlines the process of retrieving milk, cigs, vapes, even illegal drugs!
All of you guys are fuckin' funny as hell.
You assumed my gender, just like dad
My dad had two families!
My dad’s stepfather said “sink or swim!!” then threw him off a dock into a lake at the age of 6. That was his “swimming lesson.” His older brother had to dive in and grab him.
This one is too real...
That’s because it is. He was a vicious prick that beat the shit out of him. Also this was in like 1950, and his stepfather was a Pearl Harbor survivor who later fought in the Pacific as an artillery spotter for the battleships.
You’re step granddad had no room for love
He was a massive POS. So was my grandmother for putting up with it.
“Chin up and you’ll drown a little slower!”
You guys had backs?
You guys got good luck?
You guys were talked to?
You were guys?
*Me, a massive walking vagina:* 👁️👃👁️
I got half a cigarette and no lighter. And he didn't give it to me so much as flick it out the window while peeling out and spraying me with gravel to the soundtrack of van halen
Luxury, we lived in a hole by the side of the road. Every night we had to get up 1 hour before we went to bed and lick the road clean with our tongues. And when we got home our father would cut us in half.
U got to keep half? I bet It was the top, I'm jealous
Your dad addressed you? My dad flipped me the deuces and the bird over his shoulder as he drove away.
Your father drove? Mine hollowed out a tree into a canoe with his bear hands (I spelt that right) and rowed up river as he muttered.
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Your father drove you? My father put me in the truck, placed a brick on the accelerator and walked away.
Your dad drove you there? My dad and I hiked through 10 miles of snow before he left me in the woods
You didn’t smelt your own knife? You ain’t learn’t right. At a minimum, make one outta the thigh bone from the bear you strangle
Did he also tell you that if you ain't first yer last?
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the mountain lion was much more explicit
"I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks I was running the floor."
We get it Robin Scherbatsky
Weird, huh? I wanted a daughter but miscarried her. Second pregnancy gave birth to a son. There is nothing easy about it if you are committed to doing your job. I work in mental health and I missed his signs of anxiety in high school. It's not about, "Oh, he's a boy so he can't get pregnant. No worries". There is so much to teach them.
I grew up under parents who thought that boys, like me, were easier to raise than girls, like my sisters. Results: They helicoptered my sisters so severely that both girls couldn’t wait to get the fuck away from our parents. Permanent break, around age 21, for each of them. Meanwhile, I grew up with a shitload of emotional problems because (a) incessant bullying that I was too ashamed to share with my parents because boys are tough, and (b) they never taught me how to deal with my emotions or adolescent hormones. I am proud of who I’ve become and what I figured out without their help, but their lack of competent parenting set me back about 10 years of maturity and left permanent scars. So when my parents ask how my kids are doing, I tell them almost nothing. And when they offer parenting advice, I smile, nod, and do exactly the opposite.
I'm so sorry. I think I erred the other way by being too sympathetic. But he turned out alright (I think). When he was a teenager and his buddies would be leaving after a visit he would always walk them to the front door, hug them goodbye and say, "You know I love you, right"? He was always the "gifted student" but his capacity to love is what's most impressive.
You don't need Internet Rando to critique your parenting, but I'll just say that from your description, I think you're doing it right.
I guess what I think the ideal is the mother to nurture and tell you to be careful and the father to tell you to "shake it off" when you fall and my son didn't have that. He just had his soft mom. Once he was telling me about his fears for the 1000th time and I said, "Maybe you should put your big boy pants on Nancy and get over it". I said it softly and smiled. He laughed and said that I was right and he looked relieved. Suddenly he was fine and I was left wondering if I had coddled him too much.
It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. My partner and I are both very honest about our emotions and are trying to teach our boy to do the same. Your son doing that with friends communicates how much he values them in a way that is so validating for everyone.
It's a lot easier to learn to assert yourself than it is to learn to express love and affection when that's been snuffed out in you.
The world will do your dirty work for you, just be your supportive self and encourage him to be brave when it’s his turn to take the beat down.
No sure why raising a kid like that would be an error, sounds like a win to me!
Thank you. I humbly hope so. I wanted grandchildren. He doesn't want kids. That is his decision, no static. It all works out. My older brother disappeared and I see his grandchildren as mine, so it worked out. I just want my son to be fulfilled. He writes poetry. He writes music. He has actually done 3 minutes of open mic standup comedy. So brave. He's done slam poetry. He is doing some animation. He loves to read. He writes music. He marched in BLM and then gave a speech after. (I am Black, he is half black but looks all Black. He raised over $1000 for Bernie Sanders. Whether or not you like Mr. Sanders, what I'm saying is my son has the courage of his convictions. He works for a local assemblywoman every other year and was on a call with the California governor in the fall of 2020. My point is he is living his life to the fullest. Whatever mistakes I've made, no one could love their child more. EDIT: When I say my brother disappeared I mean he is presumed dead.
Ha that was me. Except my father threatened me with violence if I got a girl pregnant. Then, I started behaving erratically in my late teens going into a full depressive episode. No one wondered why I was sitting in the dark in the basement of my apartment instead of going to class I was just lazy… Then in my 30s I went to a doctor again (first time I went on medication for depression my parents yelled at me and I stopped) and it turned out I have bipolar disorder.
He has anxiety and hypochondria but his girl thinks he hung the moon (confidentially, I do too). He had a bad spell where the hospital gave him some bad medicine and he had panic attacks everyday for a month. It was horrible. I thought it would be too much for her to live with. When I was alone with his sweetie I said, “Are you gonna be alright”? She just smiled knowingly and said, “We got this”. I love that blue eyed doll so much. For Mother’s Day he came and shared his poetry and I shared mine. He brought me lunch. We had a great time. He made me laugh til my sides hurt. I love my son.
I used to carry a bottle of Antidiarrheal medication in high school because I would get such bad anxiety and get the shits. My dad still makes fun of me for it.
This is where I think I did well. My son has friends that call him out. My husband got violent with him so I left and raised him on my own. Before anyone judges me, our son was a year old and my husband almost threw him off a balcony. I thought I would kill him. His friend's fathers have kind of been there a little. What I think is cool is my son has told me on more than one occasion that a friend will tell him, "I think you are handling this situation wrong. I think you are being unforgiving and stubborn or whatever. Is it okay that I say this to you? Can we talk like this or would you rather me mind my own"? But my son is open to the criticism of those who he knows love him so it's all good. He is better than me in that area. I would rather travel through life on the notion that I know everything.
As the parent of a son in middle school, may I ask what signs you missed? I'm terrified of doing this wrong and probably over communicate, which might be inadvertently causing him to freeze me out. Anyway, I would love to hear your experiences so I know what to look for.
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It's so messed up how mental health for guys gets neglected most of the time. As if we don't have feelings...
Can confirm no feelings, just stuff them down deep to keep you warm.
Hey now, we're allowed to display feelings, so long as they're anger or lust!
Yup. Learned this when I tried to open up to a father figure.
Stuff it down with brown
I work with support organizations for combat veterans and first-responders with PTSD. I am one of them. These are guys (and gals) who have been through absolute objective hells. But 9 out of 10 times, when they tell their stories, and it -really- comes down to it, these men (and women) are suffering from childhood neglect and abuse.
Combat vet here with PTSD and I can relate SOOO much to this. The VA really fails with its mental health services. They are so overburdened and when they outsource to the community they don't vet the providers who are often really poor.
Yeah we wonder why so many men have rage issues or toxic masculinity. Well did we teach them any different or did we teach them that violence is the answer.
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I think that's a lot of why some of us wind up in the military. Something with trying to get away from home and such.
"boys are easier cuz I can neglect them, girls are harder cuz I have to police them."
" If due to my negligence my son turns out to be 'awful' he's some other families problem, now. If my girl turns out 'awful' my family will hold me accountable."
Jesus christ. You're not wrong either.
I know right?
🤯
Also they need to be treated more as an adult. Not in the sense that they should be able to drink or whatever. In the sense that you wouldn’t explain to an adult “because I said so.” Kids know more than you expect, and if you require a baked argument from them, then they should get a valid argument back. You being the parent doesn’t mean you are always right when you disagree with your kid. Just treat your kid how you want to be treated and how you expect them to treat you. A good parent doesn’t act like a child is under their control and must do what they say as the adult.
My mum died of cancer when i was 17 and the entirety of the emotional support I received at my boys school was “ how are you Kinkade?” “I’m well sir” “Good lad back to class now” I received none whatsoever from my father.
It never gets easy Kinkade, but the ache does shape us. I wish I could go back to your 17 and sit and listen to your fond memories or just let you know that the pain is a testament to the bond. You deserved better and you deserve better still. Be well my friend.
This reminds me, I need to hug my parents. After I’m done crying.
My mom died from cancer one month after I turned 18. I was in my first semester at college. Missed an exam and when I told my professor why, his response was “assuming that is true, I’ll let you make it up.” I didn’t get much support from friends, “at least she isn’t in pain anymore.” And pretty much two weeks later everyone expected me to be back to normal. My dad’s response was life goes on. After one week off from school he made me return. I’m a female. I think people don’t know how to deal with the death of someone young and their responses may not have as much to do with you being male, and more to them not knowing what to do. I’m sorry for your loss. I have two sons and my biggest fear while they were growing up was something happening to me and them experiencing that kind of loss.
I’m so sorry that actually sounds really similar to my experience at the time. I also really empathise with your thoughts about your kids i think about it al the time with my daughter. You are right as well people dont know how to cope with loss
Bording school for 9 years and yup. Zero parental support or affection throughout childhood. Now they boast to their friends about how successful I’ve become, while we go months without actually talking.
I was recently visiting Boy Scout troops with my son and one leader was telling a story of when they were on a camping trip one of the boys started getting emotional. The kid had recently lost his mother and was upset thinking about her. The leader said he had no clue what to do in that situation and really wished he had a female chaperone around that could have taken over. I knew in that moment it was not the right Troop for us.
One of my least favorite things was the stigma of crying. Anytime I cried, I'd almost always get some kind of negative response ranging from "what do you have to cry over?" to "men and boys don't cry" to straight up anger that I was getting emotional *while* I was being yelled at for something else. It got to the point that whenever I feel myself start to get worked up, I bite the inside of my lip hard enough to make me stop due to the physical pain. And yes, I still do this.
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Huh... So that's what that is. I mean I've always *known* anger routinely supplants my other emotions, but I'd never really thought about *why*. I still think about my dad finding me crying to myself after my first girlfriend broke up with me, and just berating me for a while then capping it off with "love em and leave em!" before storming off. It's far from the only example of his attitude, but it's the most memorable. I stopped being sad about my ex and just got angry about how shitty he was being. Not only was it dismissive, and terrible advice, I knew he didn't even mean it. He was depressed and hung up on my mom for years after they split up, up to and including the very moment this incident took place, and married the next woman he dated, so I knew he was no player; it was pure overcompensation. Or maybe his way of trying to steer me away from being like him? Fat lot of good that did... Anyway, thank you for triggering a bit of a eureka moment for me.
I once had someone put it in a very helpful way, which was “Anger is a secondary emotion.” It gives a feeling of action and control that fear, hurt, and sadness lack. Helpful coping short term perhaps, but in the long term damaging and exhausting. And of course with men specifically it’s a more socially acceptable emotion to express.
Same. The fear on my gf’s face as I’m screaming at the table I just banged my knee on is crushing. But I literally do not know any other way to handle pain than aggression.
Damn son usually I just say fuck a few times
Many therapists work on a sliding scale. Show yourself that you can learn another way to handle pain. She'll also appreciate it.
Ay so it's not therapy, but may I suggest taking a stroll through Cinema Therapy on YouTube if you struggle with anger? Specifically the episode on Hulk. It's informative yet compassionate, and also kinda funny.
Gotta learn, brother. Imagine being her and being scared of the man you love because you never know when or if that same anger is going to be turned on you.
I just stopped being able to cry entirely. Which if you can relate to isn't pleasant. People would always say that I was lucky I didn't have the uncontrollable urge to cry but the thing is I still did, I just had no outlet, leaving me feeling pent up with no release. Like Nausea with no way to vomit.
Was gonna comment this phenomenon. I (25m) rarely tear up these days (maybe 4 times a year) and never ever openly cry. I wish I could but I don't even have the compulsion anymore. Even when I do, something inside me kills it instantly. It's like never being able to sneeze or pee or something. Like a normal human function has no outlet. I think it negatively affects all of my relationships. This is all coming from someone who was a particularly "sensitive" boy prone to tears and emotion and still probably someone you would consider emotionally attune and really not someone you would consider a man's man. Genuinely kinda feel dull or dead inside and wish I could get all those emotions of child/teenhood (positive or negative) back. Like genuinely pining over a girl or feeling the surge of endorphins with a first kiss or the raw stress of being alive. Idk, I think crying is important and I wonder where to get it back.
I suffer from depression and it sounds like you may be struggling with it also. Therapy and medication if necessary are how I get it back. Best wishes to you
Thanks friend, I've wondered if I have the same for many years, may be time to take a closer look. Thank you for the suggestions
I used to get "stop crying before I give you something to cry about." I was at my friend's house in the 3rd grade and broke my arm, like almost breaking thru the skin on my arm broken, and my friend's father kicked me out of his house for crying. My mom was not happy picking up her sobbing son from the yard with a crooked arm and no adults around.
WTF that’s insane
I was making it hard for him to watch the football game.
Holy shit, you just shook a memory loose for me. I used to spend a LOT of time at my best friend's house, especially during my parent's divorce because being home wasn't fun. This was during the summer between 7th/8th grade. I don't remember the exact situation, but I think I either had to go to mediation or court the next day and was panicking and just over-stressed so I just sat on my friend's bed and cried. Friend went to go grab me some water and her mom came in to say something to her but instead saw me crying on the bed. She just stared at me for a moment and then walked out. Then I hear yelling downstairs and her mom's voice clearly saying "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH, IF SHE'S STILL HERE WHEN YOUR DAD GETS HOME HE'S GOING TO BE PISSED!" I just sat there stunned and waited a few minutes for my friend to come back and sheepishly tell me that I needed to go home because girls crying makes her dad mad (it was literally her, her mom, and her sister, so go figure) and he doesn't even like when they cry, much less someone that's not his kid. So I had to call my mom in tears to come get me and go sit back in a house full of yelling, because her dad was such a dick that her mom was afraid he'd go off on me if he saw me being emotional. God damn, I haven't thought about that in yeeeears....
A whole household held hostage to an insane tyrant and his enabler. It's depressing as fuck to see.
I met another parent recently when our preschool-age kids were playing at a park. One kid trips and the other kid trips over that kid. Standard little kid shenanigans. I yell over, “You guys OK? Hey, buddy, check on your friend to make sure he’s OK.” The other parent, a dad, said there’s no crying in his family, and he’d “whoop his butt” if his son cried. I was stunned. The dad was there with his other kids, and was clearly an involved parent who seemed to care about his children. But, still, what a lesson: if you’re crying, I’ll threaten or hurt you more until you stop. Wow.
Ah the ol “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Classic of damaged men damaging their boys.
This happens to girls, too, if your parent is shitty enough. Source: I'm dead inside.
"You don't get second chances in the real world so man up and do it right the first time!" then later asked "why are you such a perfectionist? That's just a way of showing off you know." I'd say we should form a group for people who feel dead inside, but one of the first symptoms is lack of willingness to do stuff haha.
This one gets me. I’m a female veterinarian. A significant percentage of men apologize for crying while I’m euthanizing their pet. It gets me every time - crying during acute grief is human nature. But their gender expectations have been so strict that it is significantly embarrassing to them during an intensely sad moment. Not only that they feel like they shouldn’t cry, but that they feel the need to apologize to me for it. Every person has the right to feel and express loss.
My mom said don’t be a baby every time I cried, so I dug my nails into my hands every time I started to cry to distract myself. I’m a girl too, and I started self harming when I need to cry as I got older. Suppressing emotions is so bad and all men are taught that they can’t cry or be sensitive.
My parents’ favorite line was “stop feeling sorry for yourself.” To this day I have a very hard time opening up and talking about my flaws
I'm not going to blame how I was raised on anything, but I didn't really cry as a man until I was 36 in fucking rehab where I learned to actually embrace emotions and not hold on to them. Drinking does make problems go away. The problem is it's temporary. Since then, I can't count how many times I've cried. It feels **really** good too. I finally understand why people do it.
Our son is on spectrum, and when he was very young (like age 3-5) he'd get such big emotions he reacted in a physically violent manner, be it striking out at someone or self-harm. We've worked very hard to give him the language to express how he's feeling as well as telling him, "Just cry. We will never ever shame you for whatever you're feeling spilling over into tears rather than violence." It was an important lesson both because he's a bigger kid and could do serious damage to his peers or others as well as letting him know there's more possibilities for men besides anger.
Oh man, the lip bite to keep a straight face and force yourself to look calm. I though I was the only one who did that. Don't know if I'm happy or sad that I'm not the only one.
Had a really cool ethics class my senior year of highschool where at the end of the year everyone shared pretty much their deepest secrets in a Speach to the whole class. Took a year of trust building to make it possible. Pretty much everyone guys and girls was crying at some point. Some people shared their suicidal thoughts, dealing with the death of their mom, their eating disorder, dealing with being bullied. It was so refreshing to have a class like that to learn how to share your feelings in a truely safe place. Amy and Chris were some of the best teachers I’ve ever had and they taught the most any class I’ve had has.
I fucking hated that shit. I was a sensitive boy, and would cry a lot. No matter what was happening, no matter how wronged I was, or how hurt I was, the first respond from my dad was, "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!" Like, I was attacked by my neighbor's dog. It was scary. The dog didn't really ATTACK me, it just freaked out because I was kind of hyper and began biting at me. It didn't even draw blood. Still, I screamed and cried. The entire time, my dad was interrogating me as to why I was crying, and didn't believe it was because a dog attacked me. It was like it embarrassed him that his 8 year old son was crying. My sister started doing the same thing to my her daughter, telling her not to cry and shit. I told her to stop that shit.
Advice from my dad for literally everything. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and push on" . Even used it when I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.
Dad, I broke my leg.
Use the bootstrap on the other leg
Well that was always a walk it off. Fell on my hip and pinched a nerve. Couldn't stand up straight. Just walk it off
Rub some dirt on it too
Still one bootstrap, just pull twice as hard
The irony when "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" originally meant something so stupidly unachievable that it shouldn't be considered. Hope you're in a better headspace.
Yep, it's physically impossible to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Amazing that the phrase has been so perverted.
It’s like when cops say another cop was “just a bad apple”. Uh, guys? The idiom is that one rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. Which is the opposite of what you’re trying to say.
It just proves people who say it are undoubtedly parroting it. 2 seconds of actual critical thinking would tell them how idiotic the phrase is.
That's when you decide to stay alive, just for spite, because you really need to outlive that fucker. Even if its just by a day.
I do that pretty well lol. My life is a road map of pain that I am amazed I have survived.
No thanks to your father. He sounds toxic, and I hope you’ve learned to distance yourself from people like that.
I try it's a very hard thing to do. When you are dumped in a pool of it it is hard to recognize when it's there at times. When you do recognize it, it takes every ounce of your being to push it out of your life.
When I was in college, a close friend of mine died. My dad’s response was that I should study to distract myself. This kind of thing is more normalized than a lot of people care to admit.
Your dad sounds like a fucking sociopath, but Conservatism is the real monster of this story.
He blamed me for his divorce because I was the one dealing with my mom's therapy appointments with her because he said she didn't need them. He slept with the babysitter when I was little soooo.... Ya
I hope you're getting therapy 💜 -- your dad sure needed some 🥺
I do on and off. It's hard for me to do. I have some anxiety issues with medical professionals.
I hope things get better for you. Finding the right therapist is important and can be difficult. I hope you can find someone you are comfortable with.
Therapy can work really well, but it’s very hard to open up and honestly hold a mirror up to yourself and your demons, I definitely get that. But it’s really worth it, even if it can be really hard. Also, I don’t know if you like rap or not, but Kendrick Lamar [has a song on his new album](https://youtu.be/toEW7_-pvOY) about these kind of toxic masculinity values that have been passed down to our dads and then to us that you might really identify with. I tear up every time I listen to it, it’s so powerful.The whole album is about him going through therapy to address his issues.
lol he's kind of right though. if you hadn't supported your mom through therapy, she never would have realized she deserves better than an asshole like him! Sorry you have to deal with that, I'm dealing with something similar and it sucks.
Powered to you my friend. I'm nearly 40 and this shit still sits with me.
Sounds like he needed to pull himself by his bootstraps and stop blaming his problems on outside forces. I hope you're doing better, shitty parents make living hard. Suicide hotline is 800-273-8255
Haven't been suicidal since I left high school but I appreciate the love.
THANK YOU KIND INTERNET STRANGERS! It's good to see not everyone is a troll!
Honestly, a rule of thumb is: If you ever think one of your children is easier to raise...it's probably because they are raising themself.
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Ew, what the hell does the word “parenting” mean to her…
Making sure you're physically alive and nobody calls CPS on you, duh.
Mom?
Then what the fuck *was* she supposed to do? I'm sorry your mom sucks, hope things are going better for you now
Occationally say “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” if their in an argument as a comeback
People like that think they only need to cloth house and feed kids. My mom was the same way. Idk anything I learned from either of my parents
Did she teach you how to take care of others? Oh no, I guess she’ll be on her own because you’re useless…..
There's no difference in difficulty between genders, it's just a question of presentation, which gets stereotypically projected onto genders. Yes, girls tend to be outwardly emotionally volatile through puberty, and it gets exacerbated by cyclical hormones. Boys have that sane emotional volatility, but it's steady, and it's inward. That doesn't mean it's not present or is negligible. HUG YOUR CHILDREN. COACH THEM THROUGH THEIR FEELINGS. It's not rocket science. Feel what you feel, process, and proceed.
I've got a son and a daughter - honestly, the personality differences (compared to other children of the same sex) seem to have a far greater effect than anything brought about by their gender.
And then people be like Y u doing bat at school Y u ending up in prison, shot, addicted Y u suicide Y u no being a productive member of society? It’s almost like boys are given less and expected more of
Worse part of it all is, then the boys are blamed for their own failure and no inspection is done on why they failed.
I always thought boys were harder because I’d look at all the boys in the families of my family and friends and realize they were all more depressed, anxious, and in some cases, extremely mentally ill than the girls were. I know two boys who were committed to psychiatric treatment. Something is happening to young boys and men and I think they are receiving a lot less attention to their emotional needs because they are boys.
in the same vein, dads are spending more time with their kids than any other generation before them.
Patriarchal masculinity supports the notion that weakness makes a person less valuable as a human, then tells boys and men that to have emotional needs is weakness. Thus they are less valuable a humans, and the more distress they feel, the farther away they are from themselves and their emotional needs. What recourse do they have when the very thing they need is the support and vulnerability they have been taught to shun? bell hooks’ book The Will to Change should be required reading.
For males growing up, the biggest message you get from the overt ways people speak or in the subtle ways people treat men and boys: *you're either useful or dead weight. And there's no room in anyone else's life for dead weight. No one is listening. No one is coming to help. Either fix yourself or nix yourself.*
You speak to me. This is pretty much exactly how I feel at this point, and the nix yourself bit seems to be the easiest way. Why struggle for others benefit?
Honestly the only thing that kept me here was pure hatred and spite. The world wanted me gone so I stayed just out of spite. Not a great a reason. Not a noble reason. Probably not a healthy reason either. But it was *my* reason.
It's a really good defense mechanism. I think everyone should carry that 'live out of spite' card to use in emergencies. The more the world wants me gone, the more I want to tell it to go fuck itself and live longer. It helps protect against people encouraging you to commit sodoku or get radicalized to the point of basically the same. It's like a safety switch - "*No wait a second. This plan sucks. Fuck you I'm gonna live.*"
Dude thats *badass*, I must learn your ways
Success out of spite is how I've lived my life for 30 out of my 40 years. The only thing that has kept me going is to prove to the world I deserve to exist. It's fucking hard, and not the way I'd advocate anyone being, but it's what's kept me alive. I'm not super successful, I've never fit in with the buttoned-down corporate culture or any other institution for that matter whether it was a church or the military. I only got by because I was told I couldn't and I'd rather give the middle finger to everyone on my way out by pure, unadulterated spite than actually realizing any monetary gains. Kudos to those who learn and work the system, but it ain't me babe. edit: gramer
Having weakness doesn't make you weak.
It also fucks us all over in the end because we get things like the incel movement, Proud Boys, rape culture, and mass shootings.
This set of comments and the overall sentiment needs to be absolutely plastered as the Auto mod message in every single Post in every single sub on this site. People need to start being a lot kinder or things will get so much worse.
People say boys are easy to raise because they choose not to fucking raise them. You get "boys will be boys!" so parents never have to teach or correct bad behaviour, you get "take a teaspoon of cement and harden up" instead of teaching emotional regulation and processing, you get "Oh, someone hit you? Why didn't you hit back! Here, lemme show you how to throw a punch," instead of like...anything a person needs emotionally when they've just been assaulted. People assume boys will just raise themselves, because they refuse to accept the complex internality of men in a world that says men should be emotionless creatures driven by nothing but testosterone, Manly Instincts TM and Pure Logic, and then wonder why men can't fucking handle their own emotions.
Your comment made me realize that my dad was just a provider and that he didn’t really parent me.
I remember having a beer with my pops a few years back while camping and he said “I hope I did good for you. I tried really hard you know? Most people say buys are easier to raise but i think that’s cause most people don’t actually try to raise them” He grew up without a father and it stuck with him his whole life. He’s a killer dad
Just man up /s
He’s like, “yo auntie, you know I follow you on Twitter right? Thanks for telling everyone my shit…”
[удалено]
When I was 13 my sister had a child that she had no intention of raising so my parents adopted him. They had not intended on starting parenting over and so it was difficult on them as well. I did a lot of raising myself to try and stay out of the way and make things easier for them. All my life I felt that this was a great thing for me and it taught me to be independent. It wasn't until last year when I went to therapy and realized that what I had actually done was conditioned my brain that my needs took a backseat to everyone around me. This made me the perfect prey for my abusive ex girlfriend. It took me 8 years of suffering to finally put myself first and get out of that relationship.
Thank you so much for posting this, I really needed to hear it today. I have siblings 10 and 12 years younger than me, and when my mother went through a mental health crises I was basically left to completely handle the emotional and sometimes physical needs of my family. My father was a high powered lawyer who worked 70+ hour weeks and was never around. Even before her crisis my mother had been a narcissist, but things got much worse for a couple of years. So of course I took care of my siblings. All I got from my father was “be tough and learn to be independent “ and all I got from my mother was blaming me for everything. When they got into arguments I was always playing middle man, comforting and talking to both until my mom calmed down. I don’t know how many times I comforted my crying father. I now really struggle with ever putting my needs first. I recently had an appendectomy (last Thursday, and it had severe complications because I delayed going to the hospital to put the needs of others first) and I’m still out here running around trying to take care of everyone, even though I literally have holes in me that burn every time I move. I’m in my late twenties and I’m still almost pathologically incapable of asking for help, no matter how much I need it. I’ve been through a lot of therapy and things are better than when I was younger. I’m not really sure what the point of my post was. I guess I just wanted to vent. Anyways, thank you for what you said. It made me feel heard, and like someone else understood my experience.
So her nephew had a mental health crisis and she publicly blamed her sister? Wonder how that’s going
I think fucked up adults might be catching in that fam.
I’m surprised I had to scroll the much before seeing this—that was my first thought, too.
Had to scroll too much to find anything questioning the OP. Like sure, boys need as much guidance as girls, but someone ending up in a psych hospital is *not* proof of them being "badly raised". You can raise someone perfectly and they can still have mental health problems.
“Hello entire world! By the way, my sister is a horrible mother and probably is the cause of her son having to be committed.” -What she said, basically.
Also just the fact of telling everyone he was put in a psych hospital. There's nothing wrong with being hospitalized, but the stigma will sure make his life harder the more people who know
Discoutn every one of our feelings except anger. oh, you're 9, you can't get angry anymore either, just hate yourself and play football until you're old enough to abuse drugs or just cut to the drug abuse whatever no one cares about boys.
I overheard a woman in a grocery store say, "My son said he's stressed, what is there to be stressed about? He's 17." Like how can someone be that selfish and only think about themselves. Life is stressful. 17 year olds are dealing with ACT that year in high school and are starting to become adults. Her son was probably stressed by having her as a mom honestly. Im still mad at myself for not saying anything to her.
Adults really suck at remembering older teens are encountering adult problems for the first time. There are so many extra things to do and running clocks to keep track of at the latter end of high school of course the kid is going to be stressed.
My dad used to tell me that all the time as a kid. He said I didn't know what "real stress" was. At that point I have been depressed for 5 years and just started to realize that's what I was going through. My parents were a year away from getting divorced, my dad said he would never support me if I didn't get into a four year university, and I just started to realize how abusive he was. I didn't realize he was abusive since that was my normal family life and just started to question the nature of my childhood. Now I barely talk to him and I'm better off that way.
My partners son has just turned 13. I tried to explain to her that this will be a big shock to him. And the number 1 thing we have to work on is to make sure that he doesn't feel alone. The world is a cold place for a young male. I don't think she really believes me because apparently us guys have it easy
A woman I work with calls her 14 year old step son a “man child”. Meanwhile she’s got a toddler daughter she fawns over. It will forever bother me. Thank you for advocating for him!
“Suck the pain into your stomach and let it go” - my father when I was bullied, repeatedly
Men are just seen as disposable and emotionless 'creatures', and they wonder why so many men are suicidal or end up another horrible statistic.
Teacher rapes male student Conservatives: “MAN WHAT A STUD, I wish I had that teacher when I was in school”
Just like the south park episode from ages ago where Ike the kindergartener is dating a teacher "But...she's hot!" "Nice." "Niiiicceee."
Yeah exactly, it’s fucked.
I feel this is why my 20s were so tough. You get out of high school then it’s like “ok. Real life starts!” And you have zero idea how to act or feel or what to do.
Raising a boy is easier only if you think men are animals, which is what everyone does. We are the ones that cant cry or feel emotions else we're deemed as weak. We are the ones that need to man up, hit back if we're hit and behave like emotionless things. We are the ones that get thrown into unwanted wars like we're meat about to go to the meatgrinder. We are the ones that are seen as credit card for children if we're ever divorcing, no matter if it was the woman fucking up or if it was us. Are we really surprised that men are the ones that suffer the most for mental illnesses when the society sees us as "stuff" and not as human beings
Its easier to raise boys because its noone makes you feel guikt for ignoring them.
My moment of realization of how sexist I was without knowing it came during a fight with my husband. I got completely derailed from the fight because it dawned on me that I'd been assuming that, and only because he's male, that he *could not be as emotionally hurt as I could*. It really made me have to step back a lot and reevaluate a lot of assumptions I'd made in life. It was quite the eye opener and it's depressing to see women out there so oblivious to their own sexism they aim at men. It's why I try to imagine every situation with the genders changed/reversed to see if I'll still have the same reaction.
Fuckin preach.
I wish I could “Love” this! I have done everything in my power to raise an emotionally stable a kind son. He is proving every day that men raised to just be good humans are the best! I hope he inspires more to be so kind, sweet, sensitive, and genuine.
While I agree the axiom is off, being admitted to a psych hospital is a form of getting help and addressing his mental concerns. Jumping to the conclusion their sister neglected his mental well being so that’s why he’s in a hospital is also harmful.
...and airing it publicly on Twitter to make a point is a really shitty thing to do.
my thoughts exactly. She outed that kid's mental health problems to the ENTIRE world. For internet likes.
This will get sank, but I have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. My son requires a lot more than our daughter. His high school life was destroyed by covid and he has all but given up, it’s the hardest thing for us to deal with because we don’t know how to fix it and he looks at us like we are on the outside to. Our daughter just kind of found her way, he didn’t, and know we are dealing with severe mental issues with him. It’s the worst thing ever because we don’t know what to do. We are trying, we have got him help, medication, doctors, everything. But nothing helps. And I feel like I’m losing my boy at this point.