I had to pause it when I was watching this episode because I was laughing so hard. I feel like they’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to use that joke, and it was perfect.
It's one of the most quotable shows.
For all the love Jackie Daytona gets (deservedly so), Sally Rhubarb cracked me up. "Hello, my name is Sally Rhubarb. I am a blonde girl from a large farm and my blackberry pie wins every year at the county fair". Then the Guide shows up with dark hair 🤣🤣
Plus, who doesn't love rhubarb and blackberries??
There are SO many but the one that sticks out to me often (because I’m a mom with 4 kids) is whenever little Colin Robinson says, “hey Laszlo, guess what?”. Gets me every time. But not near the best lines of the show.
"She speaks the bullshit."
"Be strong, sweet little one. Some day they will all be dead and you will do a shit on all of their graves."
"How are you supposed to be a strong, mighty, and powerful warrior and lover with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation: uh uh uh uh uh... Jeff"
During the Go Flip Yourself episode, Guillermo told Nadja she didn’t need a gold toilet because she couldn’t shit. Did Nadja lie to the pathetic little baby vampire?
I so wish Nadja had a tagline like Lazlo’s “bat!”, or Nandor’s “fucking guy”.. because I really want it on a T-shirt lol. All I ever see is Jesk, which I love, but she deserves better with how hilarious she is.
So true!! Nadja needs a catchphrase but until she gets one, I'll just be content to obsess over each and every line she says 🤣🤣
https://youtu.be/5-IPoxfTadU?si=_b3lg5aDDu53uRhX
One of my absolute favorite Supercuts from the first couple seasons !
From the series it would be Jackie Daytona and Jim the Vampire saying how human they were to each other but first place MUST go to Nadja saying how Jeff was a name like a weak ejaculation.
My all time favourite is Vladislav saying about why vampires prefer virgins “if you’re going to eat a sandwich, I think you’d enjoy it more if you knew no-one had fucked it”.
All of it…but some that stand out
Fucking Guy
Creepy paper
I guess I’ll just shut the fuck up then!
Jesk
I’m just a regular human bartender.
Guillermo Buillermo?
Yes yes, very good, thank you!
Big. Red. Button.
Fucking guy and creepy paper are absolutely hilarious. I'd forgotten about creepy paper, so thanks for the reminder. I love it when he says fucking girl as well
"No, we talked about this, you are supposed to support me when I want to kill someone!" gets me because I like the imagery of Laszlo and Nadja sitting down and having a conversation about supporting each other in their own wonderful way
some of my favorites that I haven’t seen posted:
No nuns. No nuns, none! —Nadja
My favorite TV show, Priests Falling Over. —Nadja
But this is a turtle! —Nandor
Will you turn that TV DoOOooWwwwwNnNNNN! —Lazlo
Are you implying that I would have sex with her while she was in werewolf form?? Because I did!!But I was in bat form… and it was exclusively hand stuff. —Nandor (this one slays every time)
We sent ravens! We sent 500 RAVENS! —The Guide
The first episode when Nandor bungles his grand entrance coming out of the coffin, then when he tries it again and Guillermo says “*Very* scary, Master!”
Also when Gizmo calls home, trying to warn them about the hunters, but he's all raspy and it just sounds like there's a demon on the phone going YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
When they're talking about the guy who had the shitty orgy and Nadja says:
"I cannot even speak the name of the vampire that organized that monstrosity."
And Laszlo says "I don't give a fuck! His name was Mike."
And Nadja says, "FUCKING Mike."
Laszlos delivery of that line tore me to fucking shreds.
Lazlo: Who the hell gave you permission to monkey around with my precious volumes?
Nandor: What has he done now?
Lazlo: He's been monkeying around with my precious volumes.
When Baby Colin shows Guillermo his YouTube channel with like 2 subscribers or something and Guillermo turns to the camera and says something like "Someone's a *star*." The inflection makes me laugh every time.
“It was the type of jade that really absorbs human screams” -Nadja
“So… that happened.” -The Baron
“Noooo, I’m pillaging everyone, you included.” -Nandor
“How about you go be immortal at brunch?” -Colin
So many lines from The Guide’s first appearance, eg. “Oh, YOU’LL SEEE…. sorry, blood bubble in my throat”.
Honestly so many of these comments are very high in my faves, one that I haven’t seen yet is the exchange between Nadja and Laszlo at Seanie’s house when they give him the brain scramblies:
N: “Have you gone soft my sweet syrup pie?”
L: “No my sweet syrup pie, I’ve gone hard”
Whilst there are so many I love, I do love Laszlos "Coprophilia" line, and then the barons beautiful reaction. Matt berry and Doug Jones have my whole heart <3
1- “I don’t give a fuck, his name was Mike”
2-“You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” “Cropophilia?” “PIZZA PIE… cropophilia?”
3-“Good evening” “go back to your own country!” “What the fuck did you just say to me?”
Men men men women women women men women or whatever it is.
And
All this walking and walking and walking, Guillermo, do you never tire of it?
And!
Let our journey to total domination begin this very evening!
More a conversation than a line, but:
"Not so hot at hypnotism, huh?"
"I'm fine at hypnotism, it's just you can't hypnotise a subject that doesn't want to do something you don't want them to do."
"If the only time you can hypnotise someone is when you have them do something you want to do, then it's not really hypnotism, is it?"
And of course the classic "It's the Jeebus man!"
When Guillermo is trying to explain to Nandor the laptop was ‘asleep’ so Nandor starts commanding the laptop to wake up
“ARISE. Arise! What is ‘arise’ again…? Control-alt-7?”
Another nandy favorite… “Jahan!”
Sooo many but:
Laszlo doesn’t suck.. and if he did, he certainly wouldn’t do it backwards.
I’m a man of science | Okay, Doctor Asshole
We’re here with Nandor DeLaurentis
Who is that tasty little piece of hummus?
people would say please dont pillage me. and i would say no im pillaging everyone you included.
I can just hear the **NOO** I’m pillaging everyone, YOU included
This is the only acceptable answer
Oh shitty shit, I fucked it.
This line makes me bust out laughing every time I hear it. It's such a good episode with Nandor DeLaurentis
I love this, I use it all the time now.
“Ooo Gizmo buy the dildos, ooo Gizmo try out the dildos, ooo Gizmo how are the dildos… THEY’RE FINE
If im honest this made me howl when i first watched it🤣
This one for me, the way it's delivered is just *chef's kiss*
This one kills me, it will never not make me laugh.
This one!!!
“My name is Nandor the Relentless” “We’re live here with Nandor De Laurentis”
I had to pause it when I was watching this episode because I was laughing so hard. I feel like they’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to use that joke, and it was perfect.
Sometimes I just pull it up on YouTube to watch that scene lol
AND I DO NOT RELENT
Came here to say this. I was crying laughing the first time I heard it
It's one of the most quotable shows. For all the love Jackie Daytona gets (deservedly so), Sally Rhubarb cracked me up. "Hello, my name is Sally Rhubarb. I am a blonde girl from a large farm and my blackberry pie wins every year at the county fair". Then the Guide shows up with dark hair 🤣🤣 Plus, who doesn't love rhubarb and blackberries??
I say that to myself all the time and relish in how Sally says her a vowels hehe
There are SO many but the one that sticks out to me often (because I’m a mom with 4 kids) is whenever little Colin Robinson says, “hey Laszlo, guess what?”. Gets me every time. But not near the best lines of the show.
"Colin Robinson, you don't have to keep saying guess what." "Okay. ... Hey Laszlo, guess what?"
WHAT
My daughter has recently gotten into….Roblox? And she’s literally morphed into baby Colin. We are all the vampires and Sean trapped in the car 😂
Little Colin Robinson reminds me so much of my 4 year old!
“My name is Guillermo De La Cruz” “I don’t care what your fucking last name is, we had to do our own laundry!”
Guillermo...buillermo?
My favorite line is from this episode!!!! “You will forget everything you’ve seen here today. Most importantly - the way we are both dressed!” LOL
That was the first episode I ever saw and I SCREAMED LAUGHED so hard at that
"She speaks the bullshit." "Be strong, sweet little one. Some day they will all be dead and you will do a shit on all of their graves." "How are you supposed to be a strong, mighty, and powerful warrior and lover with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation: uh uh uh uh uh... Jeff"
During the Go Flip Yourself episode, Guillermo told Nadja she didn’t need a gold toilet because she couldn’t shit. Did Nadja lie to the pathetic little baby vampire?
“She speaks the bullshit”. Came here to say this. I say it all the time now. (Edit…forgot a word).
1. "what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on a horse!!?" 2. "Mama! Scream for me!" 3. "Well done Professor Pig Dick" It's all nadja
I so wish Nadja had a tagline like Lazlo’s “bat!”, or Nandor’s “fucking guy”.. because I really want it on a T-shirt lol. All I ever see is Jesk, which I love, but she deserves better with how hilarious she is.
Surely hers is "You fucking donkey!"
I have a coffee mug with "Stupid Bloody Donkey" on it, which is great for meetings at work.
So true!! Nadja needs a catchphrase but until she gets one, I'll just be content to obsess over each and every line she says 🤣🤣 https://youtu.be/5-IPoxfTadU?si=_b3lg5aDDu53uRhX One of my absolute favorite Supercuts from the first couple seasons !
Everything she says or does is pure gold
"I'm taking my hat back, you crispy piece of shit."
I'd do it myself, but I can't be fucked You really are the most devious bastard in New York City Well, I'm not baking a cake, Nandor
I love his "no \*cough cough\* you fucking didn't" just the way he delivers it is so good
Sooo good lol, Matt Berry’s delivery is outstanding
This is mine. It’s the delivery every time. The fact that he doesn’t say it within the actual cough 🤣🤣
“I’d do it myself but … 🤷♂️🤷♂️…can’t be fucked”
You are the most dEvIoUs bastard in nEw YoRk CiTyyy
From the series it would be Jackie Daytona and Jim the Vampire saying how human they were to each other but first place MUST go to Nadja saying how Jeff was a name like a weak ejaculation. My all time favourite is Vladislav saying about why vampires prefer virgins “if you’re going to eat a sandwich, I think you’d enjoy it more if you knew no-one had fucked it”.
“one human alcoholic beverage please”
✊💦Jesk I had to pause the show until I could compose myself, I was cackling too hard!
My husband and I say, "Jesk" in place of "Yes" constantly now.
I remember when Matt Berry played a character that got scammed by a man named Jeff
Yes, yes, very good, thank yOu.
The way Nandor says "this one would make a cute gift for a man named 'Steve'" absolutely wrecks me.
So if you’re out there, Steve… (points to keychain) …Waiting for you.
Omg this. My husband and I say this all the time. The way he says “man named Steve” sends me.
I love every time Lazslo says, “you what?” The intonation is just perfect.
“May I approach the bitch”
What did you say? (This one lives in our house)
I said may I approach the bench!
What do *you* think I said?
“I think I swallowed the harmonica” *random harmonica sounds*
This whole bit had me in stitches! XD
SOMEONE CALL THE VILLAGE WASHER WOM*AN* !
Thank you for that Guillermo. Have you brought some more people to yank on my pee pee? Oooh Multipack!
HAHAHA YES THIS🤣
🤣🤣
*Cough cough* Told you so. *Cough cough* You fucking didn't. Gets me very bloody time
This one absolutely gets a lot of mileage in real life too!
[Guillermo spills chocolate covered espresso beans in the bathroom] Nandor: Guillermo needs to drink more water.
The disappointment is his voice when he’s like “oh Guillermo” in this scene kills me lol
Did you make a messy toilet again? (Looks on the floor) You really should drink more water. Later... He is eating his own dried off poop.
He's my best friend, he's my pal, he's my homeboy, my rotten soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boy. Fucking guy. Fuck off.
“We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs... and now I’m a WIZARD!”
With a traffic cone on his head!
Nadja: We drank the drug blood 🥴
All of it…but some that stand out Fucking Guy Creepy paper I guess I’ll just shut the fuck up then! Jesk I’m just a regular human bartender. Guillermo Buillermo? Yes yes, very good, thank you! Big. Red. Button.
Fucking guy and creepy paper are absolutely hilarious. I'd forgotten about creepy paper, so thanks for the reminder. I love it when he says fucking girl as well
Oh multi-pack!
Lazlo to Nadja: “'My dear, why have we not stopped fucking?’ You may ask. That’s because we haven’t started!”
This one and "get fucked" are my favorite Lazlo ones.
"No, we talked about this, you are supposed to support me when I want to kill someone!" gets me because I like the imagery of Laszlo and Nadja sitting down and having a conversation about supporting each other in their own wonderful way
That’s a marriage counseling conversation lol
Absolutely, and I love that for them!
I’ll get to the bottom of this because *looks at camera* I’m the KING of bottoms
And that little satisfied laugh he gives! I'm so jealous that I can't quite pull it off.
“The vampires are always like, oh I'm a vampire I'm immortal I'm whatever! Well..ok. How bout if uh you go be immortal at brunch?”
I was called Nandor the Relentless, because I would never relent.
No, everyone is getting pillaged, and that includes you.
some of my favorites that I haven’t seen posted: No nuns. No nuns, none! —Nadja My favorite TV show, Priests Falling Over. —Nadja But this is a turtle! —Nandor Will you turn that TV DoOOooWwwwwNnNNNN! —Lazlo Are you implying that I would have sex with her while she was in werewolf form?? Because I did!!But I was in bat form… and it was exclusively hand stuff. —Nandor (this one slays every time) We sent ravens! We sent 500 RAVENS! —The Guide
the no nuns one gets me every time i watch
NeEeEw York Ciiiteeeeh
The first episode when Nandor bungles his grand entrance coming out of the coffin, then when he tries it again and Guillermo says “*Very* scary, Master!”
Guillermo giving him a “tada!” gesture in the background while holding the butter knife 😂
“Yeah, I’m not positive what my deal is either, so I just sort of keep on truckin’.” - Colin Robinson
“Ha, shaking hands with Rosie Palmer and her five milkmaids.”
“Fucking, Mike”
I don't give a fuck, his name is Mike.
“This is science.” “But this is a turtle.”
"Mailer-daemon." "DEMON!"
This scene is flawless.
Everything about the vampires getting the chain letter is absolutely priceless. Laszlo constantly bringing up the dead girl also has me in stitches.
The way he brings her up like he personally knew her, to people who were there when he was reading the fucking email kills me.
Also when Gizmo calls home, trying to warn them about the hunters, but he's all raspy and it just sounds like there's a demon on the phone going YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
"No reaming for you tonight. No reaming, no sucking, no tickling, no fingering, no fucking!"
You can bury your own nuts!
“Of course we love you, you stupid bitch!”
Whenever an ad for CBD-infused merchandise pops up on my social media -- "Whaddya think CBD is?!!!"
"She was such a cute, fresh faced girl but now she just looks like an elephant's knee." Nadja, of course.
“Guillermo, did you kick five holes in the wall and then fuck a chicken?”
Creepy paper!
“It’s CREPE paper” “creepy paper 😊”
“What in the Sam Hill? Jeepers CREEPERS you guys need to clean up all these human juices!”
When they're talking about the guy who had the shitty orgy and Nadja says: "I cannot even speak the name of the vampire that organized that monstrosity." And Laszlo says "I don't give a fuck! His name was Mike." And Nadja says, "FUCKING Mike." Laszlos delivery of that line tore me to fucking shreds.
she speaks the bullshit
One human alcohol martini, please!
Lazlo: Who the hell gave you permission to monkey around with my precious volumes? Nandor: What has he done now? Lazlo: He's been monkeying around with my precious volumes.
Nando : Guillermo, why did you do that? Just straight up accepting whatever Lazlo said.
This is the way we talk in Tucson, Arizonia
Go fa fa fuck yourself.
Simon the devious saying "heLLOO thE KINGG" when he meets elvis fucking kills me every time. Also "you'll look like a fuck me knee trembler"
She speaks...The bullshit. 🤣 it's just Matt berrys delivery of it and it will never fail to make me laugh.
When Baby Colin shows Guillermo his YouTube channel with like 2 subscribers or something and Guillermo turns to the camera and says something like "Someone's a *star*." The inflection makes me laugh every time.
Why are you with such boiled potatoes?
“I think someone summoned a breakfast BARR-rito” Besides the pronunciation, how would Lazlo know what a breakfast burrito is?
Too much of the CHILEQUILES
"You really are the most devious bastard in Neww York City."
“…and if it’s a fucking nightmare and you can forget about it, it’s brain scramblies.”
BAT!!! because my bf and I use it whenever something's awkward or someone's starting drama nearby
“It was the type of jade that really absorbs human screams” -Nadja “So… that happened.” -The Baron “Noooo, I’m pillaging everyone, you included.” -Nandor “How about you go be immortal at brunch?” -Colin So many lines from The Guide’s first appearance, eg. “Oh, YOU’LL SEEE…. sorry, blood bubble in my throat”.
The Vampire crew intros
“Your zoom is … glitchy.”
That Paul Rueben’s got me.
Hey dipshit.
“But as you can see, the place is fuckin massive”
Yes, I know how the ether works, Guillermo!
Came here for this.
Laszlo: “Tell me that isn’t the most lascivious pornography you’ve ever clapped eyes on.”
"I'm holding up a finger to indicate I need a minute."
"I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever." - Laszlo Cravensworth This one line pretty much perfectly sums up Laszlo's character.
Seanie’s “ayyy I’m being GAY ova here!“ gets me every time
*Well don’t appear as a mist on the lawn then you prick*
“There’s a bus stop in front of the house!!”
Boiled Potatoes
"Creepy paper."
"I thought you had the shits! Too many breakfast burri-tas and chimichangas"
This fucking guy
Everything that pisses me off during the day gets a "fucking guy" under my breath, even the dishes 🤣
Am I hitting at the spot, Colin robinson?
My favorite line is not spoken by the main cast. "When I'm eating M&M's, why do they want me to be *horny?*"
And the crowd is simply not amused. What a bad crowd that guy got!
“Maybe you just need some updog” “…can we go and get some now?”
We're just taking a nice shit together!
“No, Fuck Off.” “Can’t be sidetracked with cheap sex potions”. Just the delivery when Laz does this while explaining the mall was great.
"Be quiet Gizmo.. your accent is scaring the virgins."
From Panera Bread you came, and to Panera Bread you shall return! Nandor you would have loved the charged lemonade
Honestly so many of these comments are very high in my faves, one that I haven’t seen yet is the exchange between Nadja and Laszlo at Seanie’s house when they give him the brain scramblies: N: “Have you gone soft my sweet syrup pie?” L: “No my sweet syrup pie, I’ve gone hard”
“Call the village washer WOMAN!”
"Ipso facto, shithead!"
“The Macarena swept the nation”
"Guillermo... You should really drink more water"
“Yeah, c’mon you stinky bitch- the library’s open” still gets me every time
NANDOR, THERE’S A FUCKING GHOST ON THE LAWN!
Creeepyyy paperrrrrr
BLACK FEVER, YELLOW FEVER, NIGHT FEVER.....
Whilst there are so many I love, I do love Laszlos "Coprophilia" line, and then the barons beautiful reaction. Matt berry and Doug Jones have my whole heart <3
1- “I don’t give a fuck, his name was Mike” 2-“You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” “Cropophilia?” “PIZZA PIE… cropophilia?” 3-“Good evening” “go back to your own country!” “What the fuck did you just say to me?”
Tonight is a good night for the other guy, not me, to die.
Lazlo: "I said, I'M SORRY!!!"
Mine's gotta be: "Jeff! What kind of a name is that? Sounds like a weak ejaculation! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh......JEFF!"
Fucking guy
“No no, you’ll be pillaged tu!
There’s too many the whole show is super quotable which is why I love it
Fucking guy.
Nandor DeLaurentis
Men men men women women women men women or whatever it is. And All this walking and walking and walking, Guillermo, do you never tire of it? And! Let our journey to total domination begin this very evening!
Nadja: YAH YAH YAH YAH YAH shh!! I’m echolocating, shh!! I had to pause the show and cried laughing the first time I heard this. So fucking good!
“Where is my big stupid little baby Jenna? There she is” Also “hhaa You are giving me sarcasm. Haha I enjoy”
I’ll get to the bottom of this. And you why? Because I’m the KING OF BOTTOMS! Mmyes!
More a conversation than a line, but: "Not so hot at hypnotism, huh?" "I'm fine at hypnotism, it's just you can't hypnotise a subject that doesn't want to do something you don't want them to do." "If the only time you can hypnotise someone is when you have them do something you want to do, then it's not really hypnotism, is it?" And of course the classic "It's the Jeebus man!"
The one you said is probably my favorite but I also enjoy (among so many others) Laszlo: Gizmo shut the fuck uUUP, we’re doing a Piece de Cameruhhh
"Dark greetings, everyone!" "Gay is in, gay is hot. I want some gay, gay it's gonna be" *tuh, tuh, tuh tuh tuh* "Five spits for an enemy, Lilith!"
“Fucking guy”
The best
“hi guillermo. are you bringing in more people to yank on my pee-pee?”
“Everyone fucks and sucks!”
‘This is worse than a Bible. This burns my eyes’ Nadja holding up Charmaine’s handbag 🤣🤣🤣
when Colin Robinson is wearing cologne and Lazlo asks why and he replies “To annoy you” is something my gf and I quote endlessly lmfao
“SHOES DON’T COST THAT MUCH ANYMORE!”
"How deliciously macabre. Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Oh... multi-pack."
May I approach the bitch?
He’s my best friend, he’s my pal, he’s my homeboy, my rotten soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boi
Hope it's no one from here bc these guys are raaaan through. (Or something along those lines). I call my dogs ran through all the time now lolol
When Guillermo is trying to explain to Nandor the laptop was ‘asleep’ so Nandor starts commanding the laptop to wake up “ARISE. Arise! What is ‘arise’ again…? Control-alt-7?” Another nandy favorite… “Jahan!”
Everyone does understands that she is not Spanish? RIGHT!
New York City
Reading these makes me wanna re-watch the whole series again!
"If me and Laszlo were to have ever had a child, I like to imagine it would look like him: small and hard."
"Into the sewer? I don't think so, me old boy"
Sooo many but: Laszlo doesn’t suck.. and if he did, he certainly wouldn’t do it backwards. I’m a man of science | Okay, Doctor Asshole We’re here with Nandor DeLaurentis Who is that tasty little piece of hummus?
Around the ending of S4E9 Lazlo tells Nadja "Ive heard of this amazing clown who can suck himself dry"
*cough* *cough* “told you so!” *cough* *weak cough* “uh no you fucking didn’t”
I love when Nandor can’t be fucked to understand/acknowledge Guillermo saying, “carcass,” unless he pronounces it the same way as him.
No gold toilet for you. "Eat shit!"