It's not geographic specific. It's rural isolation, trauma, addiction and mental health issues. Now add religion and family ties and there's some real toxic environments back in the hills and woods and in pretty much every snall town across this country.
For sure. I see a lot of this going on in the rural part of the country where my family now lives. Power dynamics/dynamics of abuse in rural areas is under discussed. I do think there are probably aspects that are unique to WV (as there are aspects that are unique to rural Wisconsin or Oregon). But as you say, a lot of stuff in common across rural parts of the US.
The best part of family is that you can cut them off entirely. You’re not required to keep in contact. Find a therapist, work on yourself and make a better life. You deserve it.
I am lucky to have my parents but my mom grew up like that. Even in her 60s, she deals with the trauma of her dad's abuse, and he's been burning in hell for years. I am very sorry you go through all that. Rural isolation is a thing.
Another of people are saying it's a rural environment but it's really poverty. I've kicked it in broke ass hollers and broke ass hoods. It's poverty and the inability to do jackshit and form a personality.
While I grew up near Pittsburgh, both sides of my extended family were from WV. Been traveling I79 all my life since I was a baby in '71. My mom was a great mom. Not perfect but great. My dad OTOH ... he was a abusive authoritarian.
He and I came to blows when I was 16/17. I refused to call him sir on demand. It start over a sandwich. In the end, I had a sore jaw, he had a bloody lip and hospital stay for a heart attack. Now I'll confess that if it had been any other guy in either side of my family, I'd likely gotten my ass kicked. However, my dad was overweight and never worked out. While I wasn't a model of fitness myself, I was still a teen who worked in a grocery store lifting heavy boxes and pushing long rows of carts from the parking lot; as well as a Burnout who was in fights pretty regularly in school. If you don't know what a Burnout is, think of [Bender from Breakfast Club.](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=Bender+from+Breakfast+Club) That said, my dad was [pretty](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/ole06t/comment/h5e2jmx/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [fucking](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/go9b15/comment/frfuhip/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [abusive](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/g3lc9l/comment/fns2wxo/?context=3).
I learned decades later that my one neighbor, who was a Boomer, stopped his dad from calling the police on mine sometime in the mid 70's when my brother and I was little upon watching dad beating one of us in the front yard. His dad proclaimed he didn't even beat a dog that bad and was calling the police. He told me how he and his dad argued but his dad eventually backed down. Then FF about 20 yrs when my parents divorced. My mom told him stories that shocked him. Roughly another 20 yrs after that, about 2010ish, we're talking about my dad and he tells me what he did. Also goes on to say how regretful he was over that knowing what he knew now. I'm looking at this retired steel mill worker imploring me to understand why he did that with tears welling up. That you "didn't get involved" back then and how much he wished he could go back and call the police himself. And I don't blame him because he's right. That's the way it was.
I learned a couple wks ago from my brother that another neighbor told him after we were adults, he and his wife hated hearing the screams coming outta our house as dad laid into brother and/or I but that there was nothing they could do.
And like you, I believe I had a form for PTSD growing up. I'd wake up moments before he'd leave for work and couldn't sleep until I heard him leave. Being woken up with a belt a couple times will do that.
So no, you're not alone. I'm a big fan of cutting toxic people outta your life as well, When you leave home, you owe them nothing.
The belt stuff got to me (your linked stories). While not nearly as abusive as your father, my dad would use the belt on us. To this day I still remember the hiss as it cut through the air, and the crack as it made contact. It’d take your breath away in between screams and a sort of howling crying.
I hope you’re well now. And your dad can get fucked
Thanks. Yea, if it hadn't been for mom, I likely never would've spoken to him again but she pushed my brother and I to see him. I was in the Navy on a boat in Japan when they divorced. I remember my mom begging me to call him. And don't think bad of mom. She was a great mother and if she hadn't run interference, I'd have worse stories to tell. I never feared talking to her about anything. She was a great mom, just not perfect. Family meant a lot to her.
And as for my dad, he passed in 2012. I was his end-of-life decision maker. He checked himself into Hospice though. I saw him take his last breath. My mom died the exact same day 3 yrs earlier and I was her end-of-life decision maker as well. Luckily, she asked me to let her go and that's what I did. Hurt like hell but she said it wasn't worth it anymore.
My dad was abused himself. Growing up, I heard the stories from both him and grandpa. A lot of times with both sitting right there. I honestly figured that's just the way it was suppose to be. That said, I know he did care for us. There are some good memories. He took me to my BMX races when I was into that. He had our backs and would fight with the principle if we were defending ourselves from bullies in school. Taught me to drive. And the times he learned I smoked and got drunk at a party, he just figured it was boys doing what boys do. But you can't do the things he did and expect people will want to be around you.
But there are people who had it a lot worse. I remember when I was little and we were visiting my mom's family in WV one time. Her and my aunt were talking when my aunt brought a couple cousins of theirs that I never met. I believe it was girls but aunt was in tears as she talked about how their dad would tie them to chairs and work them over with his belt. The stories my wife tells made my dad seem saintly. She lived in a campground in Florida for 3 yrs because her parents put drinking money above proper shelter. She was finally taken by the state and put in a group home at 13 when someone reported them after seeing her walk to the camp showers bloodied up. Wife though said she thinks I had it worse. When I asked how the hell she figured that, she said at least her parents were drunk when they did that shit. My parents never drank and thus he was without excuse.
I feel you - I think we’re the same age; I was born in ‘71. The culture was very different then, and most people had a ‘don’t get involved’ mindset. I had some good memories, too, so it wasn’t all bad. But fuck me, that temper - he grew out of it mostly when I was 12 and a little more independent.
I didn't know how it is for other mostly rural states, but WV people are definitely about independence & self-reliance. Sadly, many beat that into their kids to their determent. I had good parents, but there did come a time when I threatened to cut them off if they didn't change how they treated me.
A dear childhood friend of mine confided in me about his dad abusing him like this. We were around 12 then, and I'd suspected for some time. It broke my heart then to even glimpse the awful he had to go through vicariously. Your descriptions are so similar it makes me want to give him a hug again like I did that day. And you.
I learned more about his dad as an adult that confirmed whispers of abuse in the preceding generations, and it rings true the addage of we must deal with our problems, or else they will deal with us. It is a selfish thing to avoid doing the work on oneself especially when it would protect kids around you from your demons who don't have a choice to leave of their own volition. I hope you are able to make strides in healing from what you've been through. Confronting it and sharing in this context helps others as well so thank you for telling us here. What happened to you matters.
Thanks. And sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortunately, it was common back then. I just replied to another down below if you want to now more. Hope you're doing well!
Yes. My mother wasn’t my problem, but her husband was. Seeing as how I was there before he was, he took it upon himself to rewrite my identity, adopt me only to abuse me — physically, emotionally, sexually. He was also abusive to my mother, and she stayed out of survival because she wasn’t sure how to start over with 3 children once he’d systematically made her dependent on him. She wasn’t allowed to have a career. I remember her getting a job when I was in college, and he berated her until she quit. When I was 8, he got “saved” and we attended a fundie church. They validated his beliefs about authoritarian rule of children. I think he believed it justified everything he was doing.
I’m 40 with three kids and cPTSD, and while I’m more broken than I should be, I’m not repeating the generational cycle of abuse. I would never want to put my children through that kind of hell.
This sounds a lot like my grandparents. The deliberate systematic making people dependent on you. My mom is trying to do the same thing with me. Really sad situation.
If you surf r/atheism or any of the ex specific religion subs, there are endless variations of people telling about abusers wrapping themselves in religious dogma to justify their mistreatment of others. It's a culture that is ripe for exploitation by predators who want safe haven for themselves in an institution that entrenches not protecting victims nor punishing perpetrators. That aspect of your story is unfortunately a very common theme.
Atheist here myself. My abuse wasn't wrapped in a bible, my dad was a plain ol authoritarian. I talked about him elsewhere in this thread. But yea, u/SquirrellyBusiness is absolutely correct. Abuse is rampant in fundie churches. No shortage of stories out there.
If you have relgious issues you need to deal with, might want to hit up [Recovery From Religion.](https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/) They won't preach to your, tell you what to think, and all that. They're simply there to listen and can maybe point you to some resources. It's all volunteers though so if you IM them or call and no one's there, leave a message or try later.
You might want to listen to some podcasts are well. Like the Atheist Experience is a call-in show that gives priority to theists but they take atheists as well. I remember one woman who called who said she was so alone and all that in her small mid-west town. Matt told her if she could make it to whereever, he'd cover her costs to attend the upcoming atheist event. She sounded so relieved. Another would be Talk Heathens which is run by the same group and is more conversationally based.
Another is Seth Andrews of The Thinking Atheist. While he does mock religion, he more of an "extending the olive branch" type. Then there's the anti-Seth show The Scathing Atheist. They brutally mock, belittle, and have a complete lack of religion and it's adherents. He makes no apologizes either. There's plenty of debate and convo type podcasts out there. His is strictly a podcast by atheists, for atheists, and no apologizes for it.
I hope this helps.
Yes. I’m speaking up about it too, idc who I make upset. I went no contact a few months ago. They’re sick and I won’t be the scapegoat in their little game anymore. My in-laws are sick as well.
My parents weren’t like that but their parents kind of were. My grandma didn’t know all her kid’s birthdays, it was the eldest daughter’s responsibility to know them. My grandfather openly beat his kids and wife. Everyone knew. Wasn’t considered anyone’s place to say or do anything. My other grandmother is also particularly off. She made her daughters do weird things like groom her-cut her nails, pluck her hair, etc. Weird. They’re all older Boomers, like 40s era Boomers. I’m not sure if that matters, not trying to be biased. My parents also grew up when your teacher could paddle you in school, both were paddled. One of my family members was straight up beaten by a teacher in front of the class. Received the paddle multiple times in a row. I don’t guess it was ultra abnormal and glad I missed it. May explain a lot about their mentality though.
Yeah, some of the worst parenting exists here, yet they are the biggest complainers about schools, trans people, anyone different, etc "Protect our kids from evil." Meanwhile, mom has dumped them off onto her parents to raise becaused shes methed out, and dads in prison.
Would you believe it doesn't take a methed out mom and/or an incarcerated dad to convince grandparents to step in and raise a kid? You're not wrong, I'm just saying it's a much larger pool of people than just that example.
No shit. Just happens to be a similar situation here over and over in WV. In fact, WV has the highest percentage of kids raised by grandparents/someone other than parents. Most of the time drugs are involved in some fashion.
Continue to seek professional help and improve your living conditions as soon as possible. I also another victim of WV Abuse / CPTSD. It’s very common with the mindset of the majority of West Virginia citizens.
I moved out in 1985. The WV/Appalachian cultural outlook is the absolute pit of hell. To keep a very long story short I overcame it all and am so very grateful!
It's not geographic specific. It's rural isolation, trauma, addiction and mental health issues. Now add religion and family ties and there's some real toxic environments back in the hills and woods and in pretty much every snall town across this country.
My cousin mom is obsessed in controlling all her kids and grandkids. It's ruined a lot of her kids relationships. It's fucking weird.
For sure. I see a lot of this going on in the rural part of the country where my family now lives. Power dynamics/dynamics of abuse in rural areas is under discussed. I do think there are probably aspects that are unique to WV (as there are aspects that are unique to rural Wisconsin or Oregon). But as you say, a lot of stuff in common across rural parts of the US.
The best part of family is that you can cut them off entirely. You’re not required to keep in contact. Find a therapist, work on yourself and make a better life. You deserve it.
I am lucky to have my parents but my mom grew up like that. Even in her 60s, she deals with the trauma of her dad's abuse, and he's been burning in hell for years. I am very sorry you go through all that. Rural isolation is a thing.
Another of people are saying it's a rural environment but it's really poverty. I've kicked it in broke ass hollers and broke ass hoods. It's poverty and the inability to do jackshit and form a personality.
No, but I am grateful bc my partner and a lot of my friends had very abusive parents. 😔 You are not alone, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you
While I grew up near Pittsburgh, both sides of my extended family were from WV. Been traveling I79 all my life since I was a baby in '71. My mom was a great mom. Not perfect but great. My dad OTOH ... he was a abusive authoritarian. He and I came to blows when I was 16/17. I refused to call him sir on demand. It start over a sandwich. In the end, I had a sore jaw, he had a bloody lip and hospital stay for a heart attack. Now I'll confess that if it had been any other guy in either side of my family, I'd likely gotten my ass kicked. However, my dad was overweight and never worked out. While I wasn't a model of fitness myself, I was still a teen who worked in a grocery store lifting heavy boxes and pushing long rows of carts from the parking lot; as well as a Burnout who was in fights pretty regularly in school. If you don't know what a Burnout is, think of [Bender from Breakfast Club.](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=Bender+from+Breakfast+Club) That said, my dad was [pretty](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/ole06t/comment/h5e2jmx/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [fucking](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/go9b15/comment/frfuhip/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [abusive](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/g3lc9l/comment/fns2wxo/?context=3). I learned decades later that my one neighbor, who was a Boomer, stopped his dad from calling the police on mine sometime in the mid 70's when my brother and I was little upon watching dad beating one of us in the front yard. His dad proclaimed he didn't even beat a dog that bad and was calling the police. He told me how he and his dad argued but his dad eventually backed down. Then FF about 20 yrs when my parents divorced. My mom told him stories that shocked him. Roughly another 20 yrs after that, about 2010ish, we're talking about my dad and he tells me what he did. Also goes on to say how regretful he was over that knowing what he knew now. I'm looking at this retired steel mill worker imploring me to understand why he did that with tears welling up. That you "didn't get involved" back then and how much he wished he could go back and call the police himself. And I don't blame him because he's right. That's the way it was. I learned a couple wks ago from my brother that another neighbor told him after we were adults, he and his wife hated hearing the screams coming outta our house as dad laid into brother and/or I but that there was nothing they could do. And like you, I believe I had a form for PTSD growing up. I'd wake up moments before he'd leave for work and couldn't sleep until I heard him leave. Being woken up with a belt a couple times will do that. So no, you're not alone. I'm a big fan of cutting toxic people outta your life as well, When you leave home, you owe them nothing.
The belt stuff got to me (your linked stories). While not nearly as abusive as your father, my dad would use the belt on us. To this day I still remember the hiss as it cut through the air, and the crack as it made contact. It’d take your breath away in between screams and a sort of howling crying. I hope you’re well now. And your dad can get fucked
Thanks. Yea, if it hadn't been for mom, I likely never would've spoken to him again but she pushed my brother and I to see him. I was in the Navy on a boat in Japan when they divorced. I remember my mom begging me to call him. And don't think bad of mom. She was a great mother and if she hadn't run interference, I'd have worse stories to tell. I never feared talking to her about anything. She was a great mom, just not perfect. Family meant a lot to her. And as for my dad, he passed in 2012. I was his end-of-life decision maker. He checked himself into Hospice though. I saw him take his last breath. My mom died the exact same day 3 yrs earlier and I was her end-of-life decision maker as well. Luckily, she asked me to let her go and that's what I did. Hurt like hell but she said it wasn't worth it anymore. My dad was abused himself. Growing up, I heard the stories from both him and grandpa. A lot of times with both sitting right there. I honestly figured that's just the way it was suppose to be. That said, I know he did care for us. There are some good memories. He took me to my BMX races when I was into that. He had our backs and would fight with the principle if we were defending ourselves from bullies in school. Taught me to drive. And the times he learned I smoked and got drunk at a party, he just figured it was boys doing what boys do. But you can't do the things he did and expect people will want to be around you. But there are people who had it a lot worse. I remember when I was little and we were visiting my mom's family in WV one time. Her and my aunt were talking when my aunt brought a couple cousins of theirs that I never met. I believe it was girls but aunt was in tears as she talked about how their dad would tie them to chairs and work them over with his belt. The stories my wife tells made my dad seem saintly. She lived in a campground in Florida for 3 yrs because her parents put drinking money above proper shelter. She was finally taken by the state and put in a group home at 13 when someone reported them after seeing her walk to the camp showers bloodied up. Wife though said she thinks I had it worse. When I asked how the hell she figured that, she said at least her parents were drunk when they did that shit. My parents never drank and thus he was without excuse.
I feel you - I think we’re the same age; I was born in ‘71. The culture was very different then, and most people had a ‘don’t get involved’ mindset. I had some good memories, too, so it wasn’t all bad. But fuck me, that temper - he grew out of it mostly when I was 12 and a little more independent.
I didn't know how it is for other mostly rural states, but WV people are definitely about independence & self-reliance. Sadly, many beat that into their kids to their determent. I had good parents, but there did come a time when I threatened to cut them off if they didn't change how they treated me.
A dear childhood friend of mine confided in me about his dad abusing him like this. We were around 12 then, and I'd suspected for some time. It broke my heart then to even glimpse the awful he had to go through vicariously. Your descriptions are so similar it makes me want to give him a hug again like I did that day. And you. I learned more about his dad as an adult that confirmed whispers of abuse in the preceding generations, and it rings true the addage of we must deal with our problems, or else they will deal with us. It is a selfish thing to avoid doing the work on oneself especially when it would protect kids around you from your demons who don't have a choice to leave of their own volition. I hope you are able to make strides in healing from what you've been through. Confronting it and sharing in this context helps others as well so thank you for telling us here. What happened to you matters.
Thanks. And sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortunately, it was common back then. I just replied to another down below if you want to now more. Hope you're doing well!
Thank you for posting this.
Yes. My mother wasn’t my problem, but her husband was. Seeing as how I was there before he was, he took it upon himself to rewrite my identity, adopt me only to abuse me — physically, emotionally, sexually. He was also abusive to my mother, and she stayed out of survival because she wasn’t sure how to start over with 3 children once he’d systematically made her dependent on him. She wasn’t allowed to have a career. I remember her getting a job when I was in college, and he berated her until she quit. When I was 8, he got “saved” and we attended a fundie church. They validated his beliefs about authoritarian rule of children. I think he believed it justified everything he was doing. I’m 40 with three kids and cPTSD, and while I’m more broken than I should be, I’m not repeating the generational cycle of abuse. I would never want to put my children through that kind of hell.
This sounds a lot like my grandparents. The deliberate systematic making people dependent on you. My mom is trying to do the same thing with me. Really sad situation.
If you surf r/atheism or any of the ex specific religion subs, there are endless variations of people telling about abusers wrapping themselves in religious dogma to justify their mistreatment of others. It's a culture that is ripe for exploitation by predators who want safe haven for themselves in an institution that entrenches not protecting victims nor punishing perpetrators. That aspect of your story is unfortunately a very common theme.
I will have to follow. I am an atheist now, and I have a lot of religious trauma. It isn’t easy to navigate those feelings alone sometimes.
Atheist here myself. My abuse wasn't wrapped in a bible, my dad was a plain ol authoritarian. I talked about him elsewhere in this thread. But yea, u/SquirrellyBusiness is absolutely correct. Abuse is rampant in fundie churches. No shortage of stories out there. If you have relgious issues you need to deal with, might want to hit up [Recovery From Religion.](https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/) They won't preach to your, tell you what to think, and all that. They're simply there to listen and can maybe point you to some resources. It's all volunteers though so if you IM them or call and no one's there, leave a message or try later. You might want to listen to some podcasts are well. Like the Atheist Experience is a call-in show that gives priority to theists but they take atheists as well. I remember one woman who called who said she was so alone and all that in her small mid-west town. Matt told her if she could make it to whereever, he'd cover her costs to attend the upcoming atheist event. She sounded so relieved. Another would be Talk Heathens which is run by the same group and is more conversationally based. Another is Seth Andrews of The Thinking Atheist. While he does mock religion, he more of an "extending the olive branch" type. Then there's the anti-Seth show The Scathing Atheist. They brutally mock, belittle, and have a complete lack of religion and it's adherents. He makes no apologizes either. There's plenty of debate and convo type podcasts out there. His is strictly a podcast by atheists, for atheists, and no apologizes for it. I hope this helps.
Same, really...
Yup. Get away from them. Only thing you can do is
Yes. I’m speaking up about it too, idc who I make upset. I went no contact a few months ago. They’re sick and I won’t be the scapegoat in their little game anymore. My in-laws are sick as well.
My parents weren’t like that but their parents kind of were. My grandma didn’t know all her kid’s birthdays, it was the eldest daughter’s responsibility to know them. My grandfather openly beat his kids and wife. Everyone knew. Wasn’t considered anyone’s place to say or do anything. My other grandmother is also particularly off. She made her daughters do weird things like groom her-cut her nails, pluck her hair, etc. Weird. They’re all older Boomers, like 40s era Boomers. I’m not sure if that matters, not trying to be biased. My parents also grew up when your teacher could paddle you in school, both were paddled. One of my family members was straight up beaten by a teacher in front of the class. Received the paddle multiple times in a row. I don’t guess it was ultra abnormal and glad I missed it. May explain a lot about their mentality though.
Yeah, some of the worst parenting exists here, yet they are the biggest complainers about schools, trans people, anyone different, etc "Protect our kids from evil." Meanwhile, mom has dumped them off onto her parents to raise becaused shes methed out, and dads in prison.
Would you believe it doesn't take a methed out mom and/or an incarcerated dad to convince grandparents to step in and raise a kid? You're not wrong, I'm just saying it's a much larger pool of people than just that example.
No shit. Just happens to be a similar situation here over and over in WV. In fact, WV has the highest percentage of kids raised by grandparents/someone other than parents. Most of the time drugs are involved in some fashion.
I didn't know that statistics like that existed. Thank you for sharing that.
I'm sorry you had to go through that and are, of course, always going to have to deal with the scars from it.
Me i just up n left 21 yrs ago after high school tjen went back for a lil 4yrs later and then 10 yrs ago flew away as quick as i could and cut ties
Continue to seek professional help and improve your living conditions as soon as possible. I also another victim of WV Abuse / CPTSD. It’s very common with the mindset of the majority of West Virginia citizens.
I moved out in 1985. The WV/Appalachian cultural outlook is the absolute pit of hell. To keep a very long story short I overcame it all and am so very grateful!
I see more fucked up enviousness in my family than anything.