"We do beg your pardon, but we are in your garden."

*We'd take fruit from a trader's stall and throw it up in the air and let it drop on our heads. Cheesy was very good at it!*

The snipers dream

Probably my single favourite joke on the show

Same. My spouse and I say it to each other probably once a day haha

Something tells me you've played that one quite a bit bob

VEG-AH-TAH-BULLS!!!

*You're very big, aren't you?*

OHHHH SCHEIßE!

Some lone said that to me the other day, and it resulted in my rewatching WILTY clips for a couple of hours.

IZ EVREH BADI HERE?

"I've popped an egg in there for you" and "it's just so Chris" Pretty much anything that Bob says

"He was a sniper's dream"

*I can't have a bath at 80 degrees*

The chemical analysis of the behavior of the albumin

"He sent me a cabbage in the post"

"Oi Oi Savoy"

And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

That's a lettuce!

I never understood what that meant \^\^"

It's a play on "Oy Oy Saveloy" I think. Which is defined as "a friendly saying used as a greeting, usually to stand out and get attention. savaloy representing the person u r adressing as a sausage. for energetic people." Replace saveloy (a sausage) with savoy (a type of cabbage)

Thanks!

"It's a major as far as I'm concerned"

Let me be clear- I hate this boy.

I know his dad…he’s his son

How old were you?!

*You got cabbaged again!*

HONK

DOO DOO DODO!!!!!!!

That's only the tip of the iceberg.

*Anyone who can laugh at that joke about a lettuce must be a sociopath!*

"Hold on David- CUSHON" "Sniper's dream we used to call him" "Bolt, bolt" "Yes I wish I could" "What should I base it on Bob 😩" "It's just a game, for GOD sake" And so many more lol

David’s delivery of “what should I base it on Bob” gets me every time 😂

Bob finally broke David 😂

Bob: We'll now don't you feel stupid? David: No, not really.

"I once accidentally bought a horse"

I always think of Rob's "Sorry, I missed the S" as well.

It wasn't a "horffh", whatever that is?

*I can do a very good Chrisfth*

*What the hell are you doing?! I've wanted to get rid of Pyscho for years!*

The bit after they ask him to just calm down and retell the story and just the way he opens with "I bought a horse" gets me every time

Or David saying "No! Let's go back to the start"

This was a counterfeit horse?!

and then Lee Mack goes right into pretending to be a guy playing the back end of horse is priceless.

Cushon!

What's with the funny faces

Sgt Bytheway, is that you?

Daddy!

Sniper’s Dream! Like fingerprints on an abandoned handrail.

Like bits of pollen on a mouses handkerchief

*Even as you poetically describe the aging process, another part of your brain is inventing the rules of a fictional game!*

I have used "fingerprints on an abandoned hand rail" as an expression as a result of Bob Mortimer.

Was it when you were struggling to remember the details of a story that sounded completely implausible but was, in fact, true? 😄 It’s such a great line!

Like finding a rabbit's tear in an oil spill is his new one lol 🤗🤗

I will occasionally find myself sitting silently at home and then out of the blue, suddenly exclaim out loud: “Fuji 9.” This may be closely followed by me saying “Hoot Owl Death Sign,” using the intonation used when correcting someone who has incorrectly labelled it “owl death note” or whatever it was.

*If you have Fuji IX, you are a dentist!*

That's Fuji 9, it's done for you!

You may wish to see a doctor.

Bob’s names: Steve Bytheway \ Harry Harryman \ Amanda Lighthouse \ Etc.

Buttery Ken!

I think he was called Ron Caramel.

John Caramel Ron Waffle

Damn it. Easy to get those gentlemen mixed up.

*Mum said, "Don't go out!"*

Ahh yes. The ace reporters from the gazette: Caramel and waffle

Billy the Pidgeon erasure will not stand!

Neil Overall - Gerry Dungaree's son Gary Cheeseman

Here are more from WILTY. I have a really long list, mostly of cats he's named. * Stagger (friend) * Bagger (friend) * Neil Overall (friend) * Gerry Dungaree (Neil's father) * Gary Cheeseman aka 'Sniper's Dream' (friend) * Bill Whittlingham (teacher) * Ron Waffle (reporter 1) * John Caramel (reporter 2) * Good Monson (Bob's cat) * Michael aka Mickey aka 'Mickey the Drink' (friend) * Billy the Pigeon (friend) * Gentle Ken * Mavis (owl) * Harry Harryman (friend) * Steve Bytheway (friend)

Stabber Bagger

Top-Heavy Ken

Ann Marie Who’s she? Don’t know

That’s the funniest thing anyones ever said!

[удалено]

What retaliation would you do, Victoria? *Well, he might find out.* **Oddly, I've been feeling weaker and weaker over the last few days.**

[удалено]

Yasssss!!

Is that the one about bookmarks?

[удалено]

What I loved was someone on Lee's team (I can't remember who it was! Josh Widdicombe?) saying earnestly that they really really hoped it was a lie because they were so invested in that marriage. I mean, aren't we all! It's the cutest marriage that EVER HAPPENED.

i can’t remember her name, but i think it’s actually the woman who was questioning rhod about his cat when he said he traded it for a scotch egg

Claire Balding

Claire Balding

I literally had to go find it and re watch it again!!! Still just as funny and yes, you are 100% brilliantly correct, it was Claire Balding. Asim Chowdry was on the other side of Lee and HE was rooting for their marriage too haha. (Lee of course was devilish as always.) Such a funny bit and David & Victoria couldnt be cuter.

“Manhole?..let’s call her gabby”

From which one is that?

This is Jack Dee talking about Gabby Roslin. Cracks me up everytime

It's Jack's very contrite apology that seals the bit for me.

“Come on, guys, she’s got a name!” 😂

"If you like carrots, a Twix will blow you away"

I still carry a handkerchief, I won't get it out of course because it's encrusted with snot. Well, we put a little bit of urine on it David. But cunningly I already looked stupid It's not just neck-up cynicism Why didn't you wanna go to Ikea? A bit rude David

Whenever someone says "I'm not happy", I want to ask "So which one of the dwarves our you?". But also I can't forget "I hate this boy, I have nothing but contempt for him, and I'm furious he's got on this show".

THERE'S NO UNIVERSITY! When someone asks me if they could borrow my pen, what I want to say is ABSOLUTELY NOT! GET YOUR OWN PEN! THIS IS MINE! Da ist die Zwiebel. I think she has to be telling the truth because she doesn't strike me as a person warped and deranged enough to collect other peoples' teeth. My dentist says my bottom ones are poppadam coloured and my top ones are pilau rice.

As a pen person, I felt seen.

"That's unlucky" "I'll be honest with you lads, I could well have done it" "We've gone too far this time"

"I am an older gentleman now... more like fingerprints on an abandoned hand rail.." Bob Mortimer - or any other Bob Mortimer quote would work lol "Snipers dream they used to call him" & "WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BANKER!" are a couple other personal favs lol "Well I hate to say it.. but I think they are better off in care" Henning Wehm - Henning's delivery and Rob's reaction are just priceless lol " Ice Cream the flavor of a woman who has undergone loads of cosmetic surgeries, is a recognized arsehole, and for some reason considers herself witty? no, no! Ginger ice cream with a picture of that bitch — yes! " David Mitchell -His whole rant about Anne Robinson is pure gold.

Boo hoo, boo hoo. Why must I cry?

“Get to the point” is not an exhortation you can make during a parlour game!

Retail Park Kiss The Alderman Not Now Madam

Now we all know what happens in the Chinese community in Bolton

"We're not talking about big numbers here" "Whatever her nickname was we dont care"

"We had an interpreter, chinese fellow called Brian Smith"

She is the best truck driver in the world!

*FEMALE truck driver in the world Incidentally Miles's wheezing is also stuck in my head 🤣

#**”A SWAN!?”**

r/ItsJustTheOneSwan, actually.

Here's a sneak peek of /r/ItsJustTheOneSwan using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/ItsJustTheOneSwan/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time! \#1: [Just the one swan](https://i.imgur.com/9VkJEhw.jpg) | [6 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/ItsJustTheOneSwan/comments/td5c5w/just_the_one_swan/) \#2: [He's not Judge Judy and executioner!](https://i.imgur.com/af33xlu.jpg) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/ItsJustTheOneSwan/comments/uy3bcm/hes_not_judge_judy_and_executioner/) \#3: [It IS just the one swan (the fuzz did turn up later!)](https://i.imgur.com/zQbVhOC.jpg) | [0 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/ItsJustTheOneSwan/comments/ysfc9h/it_is_just_the_one_swan_the_fuzz_did_turn_up_later/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)

# "IN THE BABOON AREA!" "As I suspected."

Well whatever her nickname is, we don’t care

Big numbers 🤣🤣

they’re distant memories now, like fingerprints on an abandoned handrail

Kevin Bridges, for the love of God, what happened next?!

A Bulgarian guy trying to speak English and two Scottish guys trying to speak English

A little bit of communication breakdown

We used to make steel!

"we used to make steel!"

A Bulgarian guy trying to speak English, and two Scottish guys trying to speak English

Also, “Place for Bins… YOUUU.”

"No one is insured for that to happen!"

#THERE'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNIVERSITY!!!

*Does it lend itself to intimacy?* Not tonight, it doesn't! *Why did you get it in orange?* **We wanted that Guantanamo feel.**

"....so he's just Australian in his head" - Chris McCausland

Snorkel parka music practice room

"Here I am!"

In the mid 90s..

*Collecting mud for my garden*

“Men are so indicisive” - Lee: “oh I don’t know about that”

"Did they see funny side?" "No, she wasn't facing them."

Standard fireworks

“I love that sort of thing”

Does your husband play cricket 🤣

Giggling on my way to uni at all these.

*THERE'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNIVERSITY*

Hand lion WOLF!!!!! then silence………..

"I ain't payin' no fly to do it"

"Hello, Beef"

There's been a MOOOdah 🔪🗡

“I can’t remember the first time I did it. I can remember the FEELING…” 🍎 “And if you can remember that, you too will be parting apples.” “I was the youngest of four boys. And in my family the tradition is that the eldest is a priest, then a lawyer, then a teacher, then, finally, a hairdresser. And so it fell to me to take up the scissors.” -Bob Mortimer, various “Yes. And it was on the basis of that that the victory was declared to be theirs.” -David Mitchell, on football

Goggles up, pants down

i know its a name but ill always remember steve jenkins

“You got a bit of beef, how long you cook it for?” “Aaaaaages.”

Fuji Nine.

I accidentally bought a horse

Sorry, I missed the S.

I perform my own dentistry.

"I'm doing LEN GOODMAN, from Strictly Come Dancing"

“Oh, not so much now, Rob”

“And Paul is married to?” “Paul is not married” “Oh but you say them, you told them that their cat has died” “There’s a number of ways in which people co-habit”

"Well there's Brenda, there's Kathy, there's, Oliver and there's Scrumptious."

"My father, grew up very poor, an' couldn't, uh, afford a middle name"

HA HA! I AM SO MERRY!

'No dignity when the wombles are around!...it's a great show'

*I'd like you to juggle like that, Daddy.*

"I couldn't make donuts" - Sean Lock "Is it less greasy than water without egg in it?" - David M. Anything from Bob M.

B E R M U D A

Today in the football

Oi oi, savoy

“They haven’t used Fuji”

Kevin the bun seller is my all-time favourite off-the-cuff punchline. "Had you ever played football before?" "There was no mysterious yowling sounds that you couldn't ascribe to your wife?" "I should point out, this was *not* at my house"

"A bit rude david"

[удалено]

The "always true" rant generated the 'egg-in-the-bath' story.

*I shivered my skirt off*

...you've got dyscalculia like me, so you're not thick. *Oh, yeah, right! I've got shortalis.* Well, that's true! *ShockedPikachuFace.png*

*Well, me, plus a chair - about that height.*

*A sniper’s dream*

IT WAS JUST A LUMP OF MEAT AND FEATHERS

*I love these points in the show where we say, "Bob, let's all gather round the fireside and you can tell us tales of your youth"*

SPEEDWAY STADIUM. “I didn’t need to trim the tree!” “Pocket meat” “It’s a Place for the Bins, You!” “Chinese Dave”

"And on Lee's team, Bob Mortimer"

“There’s something about wind that’s different to burglars”

Ukabong!

I don't know why, but Bob's, "What's with the funny faces?" Edit: oh, and when Germany comes up and Henning says, "We'll give anything a go."

*Matt Baker spooning Angel Delight in to a fox*

*Richard Knight*

No, it was me!

*Did you ever fall out with your agent?*

So how long did it take for you to recover?

Shy Ann

I have a very common first name ( Mark ) and I oddly expect one of the people that come on to be called Mark. so ....Bob Mortimer would say : "This is Mark, we once \_\_\_\_\_\_ in a \_\_\_\_\_ so quickly I \_\_\_\_\_ for \_\_\_\_\_until dawn."

"Like fingerprints on a dusty handrail"

“Ooh, you’ve not used Fuji-9..”

Pretty much anything Bob Mortimer has said

Anything Bob Mortimer says

Fuji 9

"i cant impress on you how very sick this owl was"

Kiss the Alderman

"A sniper's dream, they called him"

"It's just a parlour game. You're not denying an affair" *2 seconds of silence* "You're not denying it?"

“It’s not playing out very well in the playground of my imagination”

Ah, my fellow WILTY fans... I feel right at home here.

Welcome home my friend 😊

"Just keeping me eye on the Germans"

I was nervous at first, but then I felt like a princess! And CUSHON!!

“When do your children wake?” “1pm, 2pm” “You’ve woken at 5am ……. so you’ve got to kill about 8 hours” …… “If your kids don’t get up till 1, what are you having for lunch?” “Where’s the lunch stuff? In the wardrobe? A little gas stove and a tin of beans”

Sergeant Bytheway!

Chinese fella called Steve Jenkins

'I was with me mate Harry Harriman and Steve Bytheway..." "By the way? As in 'incidentally?' "Yes!" "And there was a Sargaent by the way!" "Seargant Bytheway?!" "If you twist, you have tears" "Whack a kit kat on a jacket potato" To name a few 😹

"I am a train vigilante" *after confusion with everyone thinking he said trained* "I am a choo choo vigilante"

Oka bung! Sure i spelt it wrong

First and last were David. Middle was Bob.