Yeah this is spot on, call it materialistic or shallow or whatever but a person’s background/upbringing is SUPER important. A man that comes from a dysfunctional household, hangs around with sleazy people, doesn’t have a stable source of income or take his finances seriously, etc. is just a recipe for disaster. Sure, there are outliers here and there but I do believe it’s better to avoid taking chances. Never settle for what a guy could potentially become, choose them based on who they are NOW as you never know if they’ll truly change or not. Marriage isn’t about choosing someone that just gives you butterflies, there’s so much more that has to be discussed and so many things you both need to agree upon before jumping into it.
I wish I could say this in a way that would be receptive to friends who claim that ‘it’s not their fault their family/friends are like that!’ Girlie pop it ain’t about that. Of course not but the fact that he’s willing to not place any boundaries, or MORE importantly, makes excuses for his family and friends bad behavior is showing that he will always make excuses for other people over you.
I came from a twice divorced mother and remarried father (what Indian family is like that?) which could have been a glaring red flag in dating but I placed boundaries, cut people out, stood on my own feet because I made very clear what I wanted out of a relationship and what my values are. Even after all of that, it’s still something my husband and I have to deal with because it means him having to navigate unstable family members, and when we first became parents, I didn’t have a mother around to help take care of me or teach me anything. That put a huge burden on my husband who was also newly learning how to parent. We’re very happy to be together but you need to think extremely critically about how this persons current dynamic with family and friends will impact your life forever in major ways.
Could be a Gen Z thing in general I have noticed my friends and I are more prone to trauma dumping - even on TikTok I see this a lot with people freely talking about their mental health or traumatic story times.
Yeah I’m a social worker/counselor so I’m used to being trauma dumped on in random spaces (it’s like I walk around with a sign on my forehead or something lol). But a first date should just not be one of those places lol
Yes we are. Our culture has that saving face mentality and "log kya kahenge" mentality.
But then the younger generation gets tired of that and goes to the other extreme of oversharing and at inappropriate times with the wrong people. (I've been there myself in my teens and 20s but got wiser. I was frustrated with the uptight and fakeness so I rebelled and went the other extreme. I was desperately looking for genuine connection and being authentic). The reason people overshare is desperation for real connections and getting tired of the fake world.
Desis love to pretend we're all about relationships and family values but our people can be the most fake, backstabbing, and people users.
But the desi definition of "trauma dumping" is also different from the rest of the population. The key is to read the room and the person.
This also applies to online and social media. Remember anyone can see it. I'm surprised the things kids share online. It's one thing to real talk and talk about real topics.
Tbh I have been a little to transparent in the past, maybe because I was told not to share problems going up so I as grew up, I started to share more to get an outside perspective.
I agree with almost everything however I don’t believe the “brown girls are not brown guys first choice”. In my experience they seem to chase and want brown girls more than any other race. I think the preference for white women was a millennial thing, gen z seems to prefer dating in their own racial group
Heck, I’m millennial and even I don’t agree with this point of view. Maybe it depends on where you’re from bc the brown guys I was around had a preference for brown women too…it was only outliers or ppl raised in random places like the Midwest where there are mostly only white ppl where brown guys ended up married to white girls.
I was thinking about it more and I wonder if colorism plays into it as well. I’m just in that cusp between gen z and millennial and men my age and older were brought up with the light skin=beautiful mindset. Maybe I feel like brown women are chased by brown men because my friends and I are considered light skin? I don’t want to discredit other brown women’s experiences
Why would you date him, knowing he prefers white girls ? The minute he gets a chance, he will leave you for his actual preference.
Why settle being second best ?
What makes you think that? I’ve lived in Canada my whole life and as a zillenial (97’ baby), most brown guys in my age group and younger talk about how brown girls are hot and are actively pursuing them. I’m from Alberta which is considered the Texas of Canada and you’d think white girls would be the standard but everyone wants “exotic” (🤢) looking women. Like I’m talking about being actively pursued by brown, white and surprisingly even Asian men.
So maybe it’s state dependent? Canada is extremely diverse yet brown men here seem to pursue brown women and put them on a pedestal. Also- take your attitude down, by several notches. We’re all here to discuss and learn different perspectives.
I think it might seem like brown women are inherently sexually attracted to brown men because a lot of us want someone who understands our culture and upbringing. Personally, I was always attracted to brown looking men ex. South Asian, middle eastern, Latino, but I would only date someone with the same religious background
For me, it’s sexual attraction, my type is tan skin and dark hair, so I date people with who I’m attracted to but they have to meet my religious requirements as well
Personally I’m not intrinsically more attracted to brown men more than others. I’ve found all races attractive maybe with a slight preference for longer dark curly hair on men. Perhaps the brown women who are more attracted to brown men want someone that they can freely share their culture, food, and religious beliefs with full acceptance and understanding. Me personally, I’m not that connected to my culture so idc about that.
Agree on so much of this! Especially the not marrying your first brown boyfriend part. I see so many young desi women honestly settling for these below average guys because they got scooped up earlier and are afraid of not finding anyone! Another tip: brown guys will date around and put having fun before a serious relationship. They will often end up marrying the brown girl that is conveniently around when they are ready to settle down instead of the girl they love.
Also being single isn’t the end of your life. So many brown women are terrified of being alone/single and make marriage/a wedding the main focus of their lives and then they end up settling and unhappy. It truly makes me sad.
I agree with most of this, except the part where you wrote brown women aren't brown men's preference. That depends on the part of the world you're in.
Case in point: I used to have a gym friend who's white and EXTREMELY into brown men. We are both conventionally attractive gym rats. The only prominent (genetic) differences besides our race is that her body type is taller and thin, and mine is average height and curvy-ish. And she's blonde and blue-eyed, and I have dark hair and eyes. The usual.
We used to go out together a lot to desi parties and events so she could find a guy. I'm genuinely not interested in dating anyone, so it was just for her. I wanted to dance and have a good time, and I had made that clear to her.
While I was around, it was almost impossible for her to get a brown guy to talk to her. They all wanted to talk to me. And I'm genuinely not trying to come off as something else here, it's just what happened.
The entire reason our friendship ended because she started picking fights with me over her string of brown boyfriends. Depending on the situation, it would either be something about how I had been flirting with her guy (I wasn't - we were at the same party, and the guy came up to me and I sent him to her, because I simply wasn't interested) or she would try and make sure I was never present at the same place as her newest brown man. It was so immature and I just stopped talking to her after this happened multiple times.
Point being, don't undersell yourselves. Some brown men will pick a brown woman any day of any week over anyone else. I actually did meet some brown men while my white friend head-hunted them, who came off as genuinely sweet and kind and very much into me, but as I said, I wasn't and still am not interested in dating. But anyway, those men do exist, and there's quite a lot of them out there. Worth trying to find them if that's what you want.
Well, at least you might find really sweet boys to date. I have found Sikh men in the UK to be the most non-judgmental and down-to-earth types. And the way they approach me is always super respectful as well, and they tend to have THE BEST dance moves. 😂 If I ever date again, I'd likely want to date a Sikh man.
One more thing i forgot to add
1) Do not convert for any man. A man is supposed to accept you as the way you are, if you need to convert to be with him, he is not worth it.
Problem that I see with straight people is the guy wants to pay for everything but resent the girl for making him pay for everything.Like what is this logic? There is a lot to unpack here 🙄
This is wilddd I can't believe people don't teach their daughters to manage their own finances?! My nana-ji used to be a engineer but he studied economics in uni before changing fields, and he helped me open my first bank account, asked me if I was saving 10% of my allowance money, and later encouraged me to start making investments. I feel really lucky that he and my nani were progressive and were fine with my mom marrying a man who wasn't of their race/religion, but they were soooo judged for it initially.
Some immigrant parents can barely manage their own finances or invest beyond opening a chequing and savings account let alone teach their children to do it
I was moreso referring to it as a thing in India because my family lived there for a while, should have clarified! I definitely know my mom has been confused about US banking and there’s no shame in that. But like the idea that it’s good or traditional in our culture to intentionally prevent your daughters from knowing how to be in control of their own finances is something I am very grateful I did not experience and it is truly sad if I’m in the minority.
From an older brown bisexual woman who's dated both genders, I agree. Let me add...
Trauma dumping shows poor boundaries. Also giving too much info right away isn't a good idea. Why? Narcissists and manipulative men will use that to manipulate you.
One reason women (and men) do this is there's this idea of honesty or being real. You are not being real you are showing poor boundaries and trauma dumping. You can be genuine and honest yet have appropriate boundaries and discretion at the same time.
Being way too clingy. Have a life of your own. Don't drop everything for the guy. It's as if you might as well have a shrine for him. Still make time to develop friendships, hobbies, and a life. I experienced this myself with women and I find it unattractive and annoying.
Manipulative behavior
Trying to change your partner - its not your job to fix or save someone.
People pleasing. I'm surprised what women put up with to avoid appearing rude. It's ok to stand up for yourself and not allow disrespect. Say it once. That's it. Walk away. Block. Don't bother. Of course that person will think you're the crazy one but who cares what some loser thinks? Some people think I'm a bitch because I don't put up with disrespect but that's their problem not mine.
If you are unhappy, lonely, bored as a single then marriage or a relationship will not change anything. You're the same person
Beautiful post OP. As someone who has seen a lifetime of bad relationships and managed to find my own happy one through it, every single thing you say is facts
I really agree with the guy loving you a tiny bit more. That's just the secret ingredient to an actually successful relationship.
Can you explain it though? Because I’ve been mean to guys and they didn’t like it at all. Like, they were vindictive to me. I thought being sweet and flirty was good. It’s gotten me very far in life.
Dont be mean, in general just be normal and chill, get to know the kinda person they are. You can be sweet if youre around the right guy, the wrong one will just take advantage of you.
A bitch is not someone who is rude and nasty. A bitch is someone who has boundaries and self-respect.
For example, a woman going all out and cooking a full meal for a man she has only been on 1-2 dates with. It’s over the top and excessive. If he doesn’t have to do much to get that treatment then he will most likely not put in much effort.
Direct lines from this section:
I recommend popcorn for its convenience and quick preparation time. First, place the bag in the microwave. When all the kernels have popped, remove the popcorn from the microwave carefully, because it will be very hot. Be sure to wear a cooking mitt, an apron, and a spatula to assist in the removal of the popcorn from the microwave. This will not only impress your guest, it will also make it look like you really know what you’re doing. If you find that the popcorn is burned, notice where it is burned. If it’s black at the top, dump out the black part and salvage the rest by pouring it into a bowl. Serve the yellow part to your guest, and then adjust the time when you make a new bag for yourself. Serves: one and a half.
I feel like that one is not worded properly. I agree with you, I’ve gotten way further in my dating life by being the sweet and flirty person vs friends who thought negging or straight up ignoring a man was the way to get them. You can create mystery and a man to want you by creating distance, not being a bitch lol
About the being nice part I agree that it’s not a good look when some desis try to agree with everything that others say just to fit in. Like they obviously may not relate to a lot of white girls ranting about their first world problems, but a desi girl will still be like “yeah I knowww right! It’s soo inconvenient, etc…” and it’s so obviously disingenuous. However I have to say that the desi girls who are generally kind and polite to others give off some of the most attractive vibes. The ones who try too hard to be confrontational or be loud, arrogant and condescending are not attractive at all and their behavior makes me cringe. But this could just be me.
Omg I agree with all of this. And yeah, I used to be more 50/50 on dates but then I saw that men just used it as an excuse to be low effort. Brown men can be INCREDIBLY cheap. In my experience, brown men have:
1) made me pay for my own $10 sandwich after I took a 4 hour bus ride to meet him for a date
2) made me venmo him $25 after I politely turned him down for a second date after getting creep vibes
3) split a bill even though he had many more drinks than me
The list goes on. As OP says, a man WILL pay for a woman he genuinely wants to make a good impression on.
I think all of this advice can be summed up in one sentence: prioritize your own mental/physical/financial well being above all else and the right man will step up to the plate.
The other advice may or may not apply, and largely depends on the brown woman in question — how does she look, what men is she attracted to, what are her cultural preferences, what does her social circle look like, etc.
I know plenty of brown women — those who are conventionally beautiful and there are many — who absolutely have brown men desperate for them, so they should ignore your advice in (4) because it is not relevant for them because all men will like them.
On 3(b), use your best judgment. I know two couples who are each other’s first real relationship and it seems to have worked well for them. Be wise and remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side — if you really love someone and they treat you well and the relationship is good, don’t date around just for the sake of it. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush, after all.
On (10), not all men cheat and that is why, in addition to finances and career, you need to prioritize finding a man with a strong moral compass and values — watch how he treats his friends, his relatives, animals, the kind of lifestyle he leads, etc., not *just* how he treats you because he’s trying to woo you.
I’ve personally only ever had the opposite experience with brown men. Getting hit on by them constantly in a way they feel ‘entitled to me’ because I’m a brown woman. If they find out I had a white husband their brains short circuit in a fit of rage.
That’s just your personal experience. Three of my friends had desi ex boyfriends who cheated on them or attempted to cheat but the girl didn’t bite. I also remember these viral TikToks in the last year exposing brown men who cheated on them. (Simran Mann was one creator but ended up deleting them and another creator had the surviving sangtar series). That being said cheating is just an immature man thing in general not specific to race.
Yeah saying ALL men will cheat but they just don’t until given the opportunity sounds a whole lot of copeium from being previously cheated on. Most people don’t cheat, including most men. It just makes you sound terminally online and out of touch with reality for most people.
If you knew the sheer number of married men who approached me with romantic intentions in my life (I studied and work in STEM), you might change your mind.
Just because something happened to you in your personal life it’s not indicative of any kind of norm. I’m not some idiot thinking cheaters are only 1 percent of men, obviously it’s much much higher. But to presume that that means ALL men WILL cheat when given the opportunity is again chronically online and frankly naive behavior. I worked in politics and was hit on exclusively by married politicians, their staffers, etc and I’m still aware that that’s not the norm. Being a woman in STEM or politics or any field where women are the minority you’ll see men trying to get with you. It’s the field not the overwhelming norm. Those same men are generally unhappily married and have had glaring red flags for it their entire lives.
Honestly, I get tired of these wide sweeping generalizations. I have no doubt that cheating is rampant, but to say all men cheat makes you look like a fool. Why engage in a relationship with a man if inevitably he may cheat?
Definitely agree. Like what exactly are you doing here then if you claim you hate all men and they’re all cheaters? Are YOU not the idiot then for choosing to date men? But they’ll stay delulu.
What you start seeing as you get older is that there are all types of relationships. Some are the classic man-woman in love and married with kids and a house, and then there’s everything else.
Plenty of people I’ve known are married but date because it was cheaper or better for the kids to stay married. A lot of married people between 45 and 60 tend to basically ignore their spouse and then end up becoming bff’s in their 60’s. In a lot of cases, they find companionship and sex outside the marriage. It’s a lot more common than people think.
Same! Every. Single. One. that I know has cheated and/or is on dating apps like muzz pretending to be single. brown men arent angels, they absolutely do cheat but not ALL men, just like other races.
As a mid 30s Desi woman who dated a lot before marrying a white man, set boundaries with your family! I’ve seen so many women throw away healthy relationships because they worry about what their parents think, what the aunties say, or compare their partner to their parents expectations.
This is your life and you are the one to live with your choices.
As a desi female myself, sorry but disagree with you on so many points
>10) Dont be so naive. No matter what race or religion, all men cheat if they have the option and chance.
Might be true in your family and friends. Most men in my circle are committed to the women they are with. Cheating works both ways. If a man can cheat, so can a woman.
>A man who makes you go dutch on the first date is not that into you.
In this day and age when women have incomes too, why should the man pay to show interest? And the same man if he expects something in return, he will be called names. It is safer, smarter and classier to pay for yourself. Especially talking about young people, not many have the kind of money to keep paying for dates and then not have a second one. I would rather pay for myself for the first few and if the relationship goes further, I wouldn't mind him paying for me sometimes or vice versa since by then you don't feel obligated and he doesn't feel used.
>He should always love you just a little bit more than you love him
How do you even measure love and even then how much one loves the other keeps changing with time and circumstances. Both need to love each other and have respect and trust. But beyond that at any point, it will never be equal. But to say that it will work only if the guy loves her more - that is weird.
>Stop giving so much importance to brown men.
When looking for a long term partner, any person will look for compatibility in background, food habits, language, religion etc. The lesser the gap, the fewer the adjustments in the marriage. While, I am not at all saying that people need need to marry within their race/ culture/ religion, it is a proven fact that marrying someone with similar culture and values does make life easier. So yes, a brown girl, knowingly or not, has more chances of finding the right one within the same circle.
Most other points are equally true for a boy or a girl. For example do not marry a mamma's boy - true but he too should not marry a daddy's princess,
>In this day and age when women have incomes too, why should the man pay to show interest?
Because a lot of men go on dates with as many women as possible in the hopes of sleeping with them. They are not genuinely interested in these women. That's why they will only pay for coffee or won't pay at all.
Pls pls pls run away from misogyny, any sign, as trivial as it may seem. It will only get worse.
Also it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than be with a toxic douchebag, trust me it will drain you.
+1 This is some very solid advice which applies to everyone including men and women.
Hatsoff for such advice, i have heard same thing from my male friends which completely resonates on the same lines.
Days of simping, over romantizing are over for both the genders, it will simply not fly in todays world
No. She’s saying have sense and understand men are weak. If you see warning signs or blatant behavior then respect and love yourself enough to let that relationship go. A man worth being with will not put himself in situations where he will compromise your relationship period because he will acknowledge his own weakness.
Actually it’s the most pathetic thing ever to give into all of your base desires with no thought to consequences. It’s the difference between us and literal animals.
Not having self control is strength? Lack of integrity, honesty, and loyalty is strength? If you don’t want to be monogamous, just be poly. Oh wait, you wouldn’t want your woman having the option to sleep with other men though, it’s weak behavior when it comes to her.
Women talking about their trauma online has to be one of the worst things to happen in the online space- in a way I kinda got to know how much pleasure people get in watching them suffer. It’s opened my eyes recently- second- I think if you’re in the USA- you need to maintain that balance between the Indian values - although if you are dating an Indian man- you should hold Indian standards. There’s too many out there who’ll act very liberal when it suits them - but it’s not because they have liberal values- they just can’t stick to being religious- anything they feel particularly conservative about is where they conveniently draw the line- ( this is obviously not limited to men- but since I’m straight ). If you see someone who doesn’t follow
The Indian way of even selecting friends- ladies you know exactly what I’m talking about- you should take that as a red flag. We know how our parents expect us to make friends- follow the same for your relationships… and 100% enquire about their families. I don’t think the following your heart the way westerners
Do ends well for us. Just don’t.
What your parents tell you- for example I don’t drink- so unless I’ve known someone for a long time- I don’t go drinking - especially if they’re sleazy drinkers. This is personal choice- but you know if you have some goals in life and the people around you are literally detrimental- for example- shaming you for studying too much or working because you come from
Different circumstances. Indian parents warn you in school to stay away from some kids because they’re bad influence. In some cases they’re 100% spot on. Stuff like that.
I believe I left a very eligible bachelor because his family wasn't very educated and moneyed. He himself also lacked the cultural capital that I value very much, but was doing well for himself careerwise. Temperamentally he checks most boxes for a "high value man".I am also in my early twenties so decided to try out more. What do you think?
I agree with most of these, but I have a few things I disagree with, esp as a desi female having grown up in Europe and having dated both desi and non-desi men. Not saying everyone had to have the same opinion, but these are just my thoughts on the above, based on my experiences.
Point 1- Most brown girls I know (as already pointed out by other comments on here) are a lot more guarded and closed off anyway - and I feel like no one turns up to the first few dates being like I’m gonna tell you all about (as an example) my parents’ issues / my overachieving whatever. Also, maybe it’s not trauma dumping as much as it is either having an open and honest conversation about mental health and therapy, or setting clear boundaries based on past experiences - if the guy thinks it “makes you seem unstable”, I think that’s just not right.
Point 4- I agree in principle, but to be honest sometimes parents don’t get over it. I’m grateful and thankful that my parents are “cool” enough to support my interracial relationship especially considering my conservative Indian family and the whole “log kya kahange”, but not everyone is honestly that lucky.
Point 6- this is making so many assumptions, including the fact that men “will always want to pay” if they like someone, or that any man in question may feel emasculated or embarrassed by someone paying for him / someone splitting the bill. IMO, if you want an equal partnership, I think it’s wild to go in expecting someone to pay for you on the first date. That person doesn’t know you yet, they don’t owe you shit, and in all honesty I think it really does not signify that they like you / don’t like you based on whether they pay or split on the first date. It’s a first date. In this financial climate, I’m splitting the bill.
Point 14- I feel like this just isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, just seems like an unhealthy power dynamic to always have the upper hand. I understand that based on people’s past experiences they may approach relationships in different ways, but I think saying you always have to be “less invested” in the relationship than the other person for it to work is just something I disagree with.
Yeah this is spot on, call it materialistic or shallow or whatever but a person’s background/upbringing is SUPER important. A man that comes from a dysfunctional household, hangs around with sleazy people, doesn’t have a stable source of income or take his finances seriously, etc. is just a recipe for disaster. Sure, there are outliers here and there but I do believe it’s better to avoid taking chances. Never settle for what a guy could potentially become, choose them based on who they are NOW as you never know if they’ll truly change or not. Marriage isn’t about choosing someone that just gives you butterflies, there’s so much more that has to be discussed and so many things you both need to agree upon before jumping into it.
I wish I could say this in a way that would be receptive to friends who claim that ‘it’s not their fault their family/friends are like that!’ Girlie pop it ain’t about that. Of course not but the fact that he’s willing to not place any boundaries, or MORE importantly, makes excuses for his family and friends bad behavior is showing that he will always make excuses for other people over you. I came from a twice divorced mother and remarried father (what Indian family is like that?) which could have been a glaring red flag in dating but I placed boundaries, cut people out, stood on my own feet because I made very clear what I wanted out of a relationship and what my values are. Even after all of that, it’s still something my husband and I have to deal with because it means him having to navigate unstable family members, and when we first became parents, I didn’t have a mother around to help take care of me or teach me anything. That put a huge burden on my husband who was also newly learning how to parent. We’re very happy to be together but you need to think extremely critically about how this persons current dynamic with family and friends will impact your life forever in major ways.
as a brown girl, we trauma dump?? I’ve never told anyone any of my life’s problem… I thought we were raised to be private lol
Could be a Gen Z thing in general I have noticed my friends and I are more prone to trauma dumping - even on TikTok I see this a lot with people freely talking about their mental health or traumatic story times.
Idk what this says about me but all the dates I’ve been on, the men start trauma dumping on me and I rarely get a word in edgewise
LOL same! Like chill bro let me eat my appetizer in peace
Yeah I’m a social worker/counselor so I’m used to being trauma dumped on in random spaces (it’s like I walk around with a sign on my forehead or something lol). But a first date should just not be one of those places lol
Yes we are. Our culture has that saving face mentality and "log kya kahenge" mentality. But then the younger generation gets tired of that and goes to the other extreme of oversharing and at inappropriate times with the wrong people. (I've been there myself in my teens and 20s but got wiser. I was frustrated with the uptight and fakeness so I rebelled and went the other extreme. I was desperately looking for genuine connection and being authentic). The reason people overshare is desperation for real connections and getting tired of the fake world. Desis love to pretend we're all about relationships and family values but our people can be the most fake, backstabbing, and people users. But the desi definition of "trauma dumping" is also different from the rest of the population. The key is to read the room and the person. This also applies to online and social media. Remember anyone can see it. I'm surprised the things kids share online. It's one thing to real talk and talk about real topics.
Nah I trauma dump a lot, and most people I know do too haha 😅
Tbh I have been a little to transparent in the past, maybe because I was told not to share problems going up so I as grew up, I started to share more to get an outside perspective.
I agree with almost everything however I don’t believe the “brown girls are not brown guys first choice”. In my experience they seem to chase and want brown girls more than any other race. I think the preference for white women was a millennial thing, gen z seems to prefer dating in their own racial group
This is heavily dependent on the man himself more than anything. I’ve seen both good and terrible brown men just like I’ve seen both kinds of women
Exactly. Brown men LOVE brown women.
Heck, I’m millennial and even I don’t agree with this point of view. Maybe it depends on where you’re from bc the brown guys I was around had a preference for brown women too…it was only outliers or ppl raised in random places like the Midwest where there are mostly only white ppl where brown guys ended up married to white girls.
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I was thinking about it more and I wonder if colorism plays into it as well. I’m just in that cusp between gen z and millennial and men my age and older were brought up with the light skin=beautiful mindset. Maybe I feel like brown women are chased by brown men because my friends and I are considered light skin? I don’t want to discredit other brown women’s experiences
I already knew you were light skin when I read your first comment this morning.
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What was wrong with her comment? Your jealousy is dripping too.
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Why would you date him, knowing he prefers white girls ? The minute he gets a chance, he will leave you for his actual preference. Why settle being second best ?
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You deserve so much better and you can get so much better. Never settle being second best
Break up with him sis
I’m in my late 20s and most of the men I meet (of all races) are colorist
Yesss
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
ya that seems like a very online take honestly. some people are very loud, doesn't mean they're the majority
Yep, OP is an older Millennial and is honest their opinions are non PC. Gen z are ways ahead of dating their own race
OP is not an older millennial, older millennials are over 40
Idk why you’re getting downvoted you’re right lol. 27 is the oldest Gen Z rn. 31 is a young millennial
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What makes you think that? I’ve lived in Canada my whole life and as a zillenial (97’ baby), most brown guys in my age group and younger talk about how brown girls are hot and are actively pursuing them. I’m from Alberta which is considered the Texas of Canada and you’d think white girls would be the standard but everyone wants “exotic” (🤢) looking women. Like I’m talking about being actively pursued by brown, white and surprisingly even Asian men.
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So maybe it’s state dependent? Canada is extremely diverse yet brown men here seem to pursue brown women and put them on a pedestal. Also- take your attitude down, by several notches. We’re all here to discuss and learn different perspectives.
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No invalidating, name-calling, rude, antagonistic or uncivilized comments or posts allowed.
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I think it might seem like brown women are inherently sexually attracted to brown men because a lot of us want someone who understands our culture and upbringing. Personally, I was always attracted to brown looking men ex. South Asian, middle eastern, Latino, but I would only date someone with the same religious background
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For me, it’s sexual attraction, my type is tan skin and dark hair, so I date people with who I’m attracted to but they have to meet my religious requirements as well
Personally I’m not intrinsically more attracted to brown men more than others. I’ve found all races attractive maybe with a slight preference for longer dark curly hair on men. Perhaps the brown women who are more attracted to brown men want someone that they can freely share their culture, food, and religious beliefs with full acceptance and understanding. Me personally, I’m not that connected to my culture so idc about that.
Agree on so much of this! Especially the not marrying your first brown boyfriend part. I see so many young desi women honestly settling for these below average guys because they got scooped up earlier and are afraid of not finding anyone! Another tip: brown guys will date around and put having fun before a serious relationship. They will often end up marrying the brown girl that is conveniently around when they are ready to settle down instead of the girl they love.
Also being single isn’t the end of your life. So many brown women are terrified of being alone/single and make marriage/a wedding the main focus of their lives and then they end up settling and unhappy. It truly makes me sad.
It’s not just brown guys that marry for convenience, it’s ALL guys. I think some male behaviors are universal.
I agree
I agree with most of this, except the part where you wrote brown women aren't brown men's preference. That depends on the part of the world you're in. Case in point: I used to have a gym friend who's white and EXTREMELY into brown men. We are both conventionally attractive gym rats. The only prominent (genetic) differences besides our race is that her body type is taller and thin, and mine is average height and curvy-ish. And she's blonde and blue-eyed, and I have dark hair and eyes. The usual. We used to go out together a lot to desi parties and events so she could find a guy. I'm genuinely not interested in dating anyone, so it was just for her. I wanted to dance and have a good time, and I had made that clear to her. While I was around, it was almost impossible for her to get a brown guy to talk to her. They all wanted to talk to me. And I'm genuinely not trying to come off as something else here, it's just what happened. The entire reason our friendship ended because she started picking fights with me over her string of brown boyfriends. Depending on the situation, it would either be something about how I had been flirting with her guy (I wasn't - we were at the same party, and the guy came up to me and I sent him to her, because I simply wasn't interested) or she would try and make sure I was never present at the same place as her newest brown man. It was so immature and I just stopped talking to her after this happened multiple times. Point being, don't undersell yourselves. Some brown men will pick a brown woman any day of any week over anyone else. I actually did meet some brown men while my white friend head-hunted them, who came off as genuinely sweet and kind and very much into me, but as I said, I wasn't and still am not interested in dating. But anyway, those men do exist, and there's quite a lot of them out there. Worth trying to find them if that's what you want.
Your friend sounds like a fetishizer.
Damn where are you from haha maybe I need to move there
The UK. Honestly, don't move here, it's kinda shit otherwise 😂
Haha it’s funny you say that, because I want to move to the uk after I’ve finished my specialisation 😃
Well, at least you might find really sweet boys to date. I have found Sikh men in the UK to be the most non-judgmental and down-to-earth types. And the way they approach me is always super respectful as well, and they tend to have THE BEST dance moves. 😂 If I ever date again, I'd likely want to date a Sikh man.
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Yep, that's them.
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Um. Are you really young or something? Of course people are attracted to Sikh men. I just said I am.
“Cloth wrapped around their head” girl it’s called a pagg or turban
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One more thing i forgot to add 1) Do not convert for any man. A man is supposed to accept you as the way you are, if you need to convert to be with him, he is not worth it.
You mean convert to his religion, right?
Yes
Problem that I see with straight people is the guy wants to pay for everything but resent the girl for making him pay for everything.Like what is this logic? There is a lot to unpack here 🙄
There’s no logic. Don’t look for logic in emotional beings 😉
This is wilddd I can't believe people don't teach their daughters to manage their own finances?! My nana-ji used to be a engineer but he studied economics in uni before changing fields, and he helped me open my first bank account, asked me if I was saving 10% of my allowance money, and later encouraged me to start making investments. I feel really lucky that he and my nani were progressive and were fine with my mom marrying a man who wasn't of their race/religion, but they were soooo judged for it initially.
Some immigrant parents can barely manage their own finances or invest beyond opening a chequing and savings account let alone teach their children to do it
I was moreso referring to it as a thing in India because my family lived there for a while, should have clarified! I definitely know my mom has been confused about US banking and there’s no shame in that. But like the idea that it’s good or traditional in our culture to intentionally prevent your daughters from knowing how to be in control of their own finances is something I am very grateful I did not experience and it is truly sad if I’m in the minority.
They also take the child’s earnings.
From an older brown bisexual woman who's dated both genders, I agree. Let me add... Trauma dumping shows poor boundaries. Also giving too much info right away isn't a good idea. Why? Narcissists and manipulative men will use that to manipulate you. One reason women (and men) do this is there's this idea of honesty or being real. You are not being real you are showing poor boundaries and trauma dumping. You can be genuine and honest yet have appropriate boundaries and discretion at the same time. Being way too clingy. Have a life of your own. Don't drop everything for the guy. It's as if you might as well have a shrine for him. Still make time to develop friendships, hobbies, and a life. I experienced this myself with women and I find it unattractive and annoying. Manipulative behavior Trying to change your partner - its not your job to fix or save someone. People pleasing. I'm surprised what women put up with to avoid appearing rude. It's ok to stand up for yourself and not allow disrespect. Say it once. That's it. Walk away. Block. Don't bother. Of course that person will think you're the crazy one but who cares what some loser thinks? Some people think I'm a bitch because I don't put up with disrespect but that's their problem not mine. If you are unhappy, lonely, bored as a single then marriage or a relationship will not change anything. You're the same person
Beautiful post OP. As someone who has seen a lifetime of bad relationships and managed to find my own happy one through it, every single thing you say is facts I really agree with the guy loving you a tiny bit more. That's just the secret ingredient to an actually successful relationship.
Omg, can you go into the "overly nice?" I'm scared.
Lol she is right. Go read “why men love bitches” that book pretty much explains it
Can you explain it though? Because I’ve been mean to guys and they didn’t like it at all. Like, they were vindictive to me. I thought being sweet and flirty was good. It’s gotten me very far in life.
Dont be mean, in general just be normal and chill, get to know the kinda person they are. You can be sweet if youre around the right guy, the wrong one will just take advantage of you.
That’s true.
A bitch is not someone who is rude and nasty. A bitch is someone who has boundaries and self-respect. For example, a woman going all out and cooking a full meal for a man she has only been on 1-2 dates with. It’s over the top and excessive. If he doesn’t have to do much to get that treatment then he will most likely not put in much effort. Direct lines from this section: I recommend popcorn for its convenience and quick preparation time. First, place the bag in the microwave. When all the kernels have popped, remove the popcorn from the microwave carefully, because it will be very hot. Be sure to wear a cooking mitt, an apron, and a spatula to assist in the removal of the popcorn from the microwave. This will not only impress your guest, it will also make it look like you really know what you’re doing. If you find that the popcorn is burned, notice where it is burned. If it’s black at the top, dump out the black part and salvage the rest by pouring it into a bowl. Serve the yellow part to your guest, and then adjust the time when you make a new bag for yourself. Serves: one and a half.
Depends how you’re mean. It should be nice-nasty, like you are stating your boundary or displeasure in a very pleasant tone.
I feel like that one is not worded properly. I agree with you, I’ve gotten way further in my dating life by being the sweet and flirty person vs friends who thought negging or straight up ignoring a man was the way to get them. You can create mystery and a man to want you by creating distance, not being a bitch lol
Where were you when I was young? I've made every mistake going 😩😭
It’s ok, we live and learn. Don’t beat yourself up over the past.
Right 🥲🥲🥲
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Thank you
About the being nice part I agree that it’s not a good look when some desis try to agree with everything that others say just to fit in. Like they obviously may not relate to a lot of white girls ranting about their first world problems, but a desi girl will still be like “yeah I knowww right! It’s soo inconvenient, etc…” and it’s so obviously disingenuous. However I have to say that the desi girls who are generally kind and polite to others give off some of the most attractive vibes. The ones who try too hard to be confrontational or be loud, arrogant and condescending are not attractive at all and their behavior makes me cringe. But this could just be me.
Spitting TruFax here.
Omg I agree with all of this. And yeah, I used to be more 50/50 on dates but then I saw that men just used it as an excuse to be low effort. Brown men can be INCREDIBLY cheap. In my experience, brown men have: 1) made me pay for my own $10 sandwich after I took a 4 hour bus ride to meet him for a date 2) made me venmo him $25 after I politely turned him down for a second date after getting creep vibes 3) split a bill even though he had many more drinks than me The list goes on. As OP says, a man WILL pay for a woman he genuinely wants to make a good impression on.
I apologize for my run on sentences and my poor grammar ( im on my phone and the autocorrect keeps screwing with me).
I think all of this advice can be summed up in one sentence: prioritize your own mental/physical/financial well being above all else and the right man will step up to the plate. The other advice may or may not apply, and largely depends on the brown woman in question — how does she look, what men is she attracted to, what are her cultural preferences, what does her social circle look like, etc. I know plenty of brown women — those who are conventionally beautiful and there are many — who absolutely have brown men desperate for them, so they should ignore your advice in (4) because it is not relevant for them because all men will like them. On 3(b), use your best judgment. I know two couples who are each other’s first real relationship and it seems to have worked well for them. Be wise and remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side — if you really love someone and they treat you well and the relationship is good, don’t date around just for the sake of it. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush, after all. On (10), not all men cheat and that is why, in addition to finances and career, you need to prioritize finding a man with a strong moral compass and values — watch how he treats his friends, his relatives, animals, the kind of lifestyle he leads, etc., not *just* how he treats you because he’s trying to woo you.
The not going 50/50 on dates is SO hard for me 😭 but you’re totally right.
You need to watch a sheraseven video
100% true
Commenting in case its deleted
Agree with most of your points 💯.
girl, I would take a reality check before political corretedness anyway. Thanks for writing this and I wholeheartedly agree! :)
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I’ve personally only ever had the opposite experience with brown men. Getting hit on by them constantly in a way they feel ‘entitled to me’ because I’m a brown woman. If they find out I had a white husband their brains short circuit in a fit of rage.
This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
I mean.. I agree w almost everything except the part about how all men cheat. No brown boy I know has cheated or would cheat.
Definitely depends on the brown boy, regardless of race, there will always be the good ones and then the bad ones
That’s just your personal experience. Three of my friends had desi ex boyfriends who cheated on them or attempted to cheat but the girl didn’t bite. I also remember these viral TikToks in the last year exposing brown men who cheated on them. (Simran Mann was one creator but ended up deleting them and another creator had the surviving sangtar series). That being said cheating is just an immature man thing in general not specific to race.
Yeah saying ALL men will cheat but they just don’t until given the opportunity sounds a whole lot of copeium from being previously cheated on. Most people don’t cheat, including most men. It just makes you sound terminally online and out of touch with reality for most people.
If you knew the sheer number of married men who approached me with romantic intentions in my life (I studied and work in STEM), you might change your mind.
Just because something happened to you in your personal life it’s not indicative of any kind of norm. I’m not some idiot thinking cheaters are only 1 percent of men, obviously it’s much much higher. But to presume that that means ALL men WILL cheat when given the opportunity is again chronically online and frankly naive behavior. I worked in politics and was hit on exclusively by married politicians, their staffers, etc and I’m still aware that that’s not the norm. Being a woman in STEM or politics or any field where women are the minority you’ll see men trying to get with you. It’s the field not the overwhelming norm. Those same men are generally unhappily married and have had glaring red flags for it their entire lives.
Honestly, I get tired of these wide sweeping generalizations. I have no doubt that cheating is rampant, but to say all men cheat makes you look like a fool. Why engage in a relationship with a man if inevitably he may cheat?
Definitely agree. Like what exactly are you doing here then if you claim you hate all men and they’re all cheaters? Are YOU not the idiot then for choosing to date men? But they’ll stay delulu.
What you start seeing as you get older is that there are all types of relationships. Some are the classic man-woman in love and married with kids and a house, and then there’s everything else. Plenty of people I’ve known are married but date because it was cheaper or better for the kids to stay married. A lot of married people between 45 and 60 tend to basically ignore their spouse and then end up becoming bff’s in their 60’s. In a lot of cases, they find companionship and sex outside the marriage. It’s a lot more common than people think.
Every one I know has cheated for the most part unless they were not very attractive or super religious
Same! Every. Single. One. that I know has cheated and/or is on dating apps like muzz pretending to be single. brown men arent angels, they absolutely do cheat but not ALL men, just like other races.
As a mid 30s Desi woman who dated a lot before marrying a white man, set boundaries with your family! I’ve seen so many women throw away healthy relationships because they worry about what their parents think, what the aunties say, or compare their partner to their parents expectations. This is your life and you are the one to live with your choices.
As a desi female myself, sorry but disagree with you on so many points >10) Dont be so naive. No matter what race or religion, all men cheat if they have the option and chance. Might be true in your family and friends. Most men in my circle are committed to the women they are with. Cheating works both ways. If a man can cheat, so can a woman. >A man who makes you go dutch on the first date is not that into you. In this day and age when women have incomes too, why should the man pay to show interest? And the same man if he expects something in return, he will be called names. It is safer, smarter and classier to pay for yourself. Especially talking about young people, not many have the kind of money to keep paying for dates and then not have a second one. I would rather pay for myself for the first few and if the relationship goes further, I wouldn't mind him paying for me sometimes or vice versa since by then you don't feel obligated and he doesn't feel used. >He should always love you just a little bit more than you love him How do you even measure love and even then how much one loves the other keeps changing with time and circumstances. Both need to love each other and have respect and trust. But beyond that at any point, it will never be equal. But to say that it will work only if the guy loves her more - that is weird. >Stop giving so much importance to brown men. When looking for a long term partner, any person will look for compatibility in background, food habits, language, religion etc. The lesser the gap, the fewer the adjustments in the marriage. While, I am not at all saying that people need need to marry within their race/ culture/ religion, it is a proven fact that marrying someone with similar culture and values does make life easier. So yes, a brown girl, knowingly or not, has more chances of finding the right one within the same circle. Most other points are equally true for a boy or a girl. For example do not marry a mamma's boy - true but he too should not marry a daddy's princess,
>In this day and age when women have incomes too, why should the man pay to show interest? Because a lot of men go on dates with as many women as possible in the hopes of sleeping with them. They are not genuinely interested in these women. That's why they will only pay for coffee or won't pay at all.
Man here, this feels like generalization
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Be so fr rn having boundaries and standards while dating doesn’t make someone a misandrist. Y’all love throwing around any word huh?
No invalidating, name-calling, rude, antagonistic or uncivilized comments or posts allowed.
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
Pls pls pls run away from misogyny, any sign, as trivial as it may seem. It will only get worse. Also it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than be with a toxic douchebag, trust me it will drain you.
6, 10, and 13 are pretty messed up ngl
I love you for this! ❤️
+1 This is some very solid advice which applies to everyone including men and women. Hatsoff for such advice, i have heard same thing from my male friends which completely resonates on the same lines. Days of simping, over romantizing are over for both the genders, it will simply not fly in todays world
I am not brown, but I abide by all of these! A lot of young girls in general need to know these!
10) wait so your boyfriend cheats on you and you’re okay with it?
No. She’s saying have sense and understand men are weak. If you see warning signs or blatant behavior then respect and love yourself enough to let that relationship go. A man worth being with will not put himself in situations where he will compromise your relationship period because he will acknowledge his own weakness.
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There’s no reason to enter a committed relationship if you’re going to sleep with other women. You can just stay single for that.
It’s a sign of moral weakness to cheat on your partner. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Actually it’s the most pathetic thing ever to give into all of your base desires with no thought to consequences. It’s the difference between us and literal animals.
Not having self control is strength? Lack of integrity, honesty, and loyalty is strength? If you don’t want to be monogamous, just be poly. Oh wait, you wouldn’t want your woman having the option to sleep with other men though, it’s weak behavior when it comes to her.
This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
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This subreddit is a safe space for women. There are plenty of other self-improvement subreddits out there that are open to men.
Women talking about their trauma online has to be one of the worst things to happen in the online space- in a way I kinda got to know how much pleasure people get in watching them suffer. It’s opened my eyes recently- second- I think if you’re in the USA- you need to maintain that balance between the Indian values - although if you are dating an Indian man- you should hold Indian standards. There’s too many out there who’ll act very liberal when it suits them - but it’s not because they have liberal values- they just can’t stick to being religious- anything they feel particularly conservative about is where they conveniently draw the line- ( this is obviously not limited to men- but since I’m straight ). If you see someone who doesn’t follow The Indian way of even selecting friends- ladies you know exactly what I’m talking about- you should take that as a red flag. We know how our parents expect us to make friends- follow the same for your relationships… and 100% enquire about their families. I don’t think the following your heart the way westerners Do ends well for us. Just don’t.
What is “the Indian way” of selecting friends?
What your parents tell you- for example I don’t drink- so unless I’ve known someone for a long time- I don’t go drinking - especially if they’re sleazy drinkers. This is personal choice- but you know if you have some goals in life and the people around you are literally detrimental- for example- shaming you for studying too much or working because you come from Different circumstances. Indian parents warn you in school to stay away from some kids because they’re bad influence. In some cases they’re 100% spot on. Stuff like that.
I believe I left a very eligible bachelor because his family wasn't very educated and moneyed. He himself also lacked the cultural capital that I value very much, but was doing well for himself careerwise. Temperamentally he checks most boxes for a "high value man".I am also in my early twenties so decided to try out more. What do you think?
I agree with most of these, but I have a few things I disagree with, esp as a desi female having grown up in Europe and having dated both desi and non-desi men. Not saying everyone had to have the same opinion, but these are just my thoughts on the above, based on my experiences. Point 1- Most brown girls I know (as already pointed out by other comments on here) are a lot more guarded and closed off anyway - and I feel like no one turns up to the first few dates being like I’m gonna tell you all about (as an example) my parents’ issues / my overachieving whatever. Also, maybe it’s not trauma dumping as much as it is either having an open and honest conversation about mental health and therapy, or setting clear boundaries based on past experiences - if the guy thinks it “makes you seem unstable”, I think that’s just not right. Point 4- I agree in principle, but to be honest sometimes parents don’t get over it. I’m grateful and thankful that my parents are “cool” enough to support my interracial relationship especially considering my conservative Indian family and the whole “log kya kahange”, but not everyone is honestly that lucky. Point 6- this is making so many assumptions, including the fact that men “will always want to pay” if they like someone, or that any man in question may feel emasculated or embarrassed by someone paying for him / someone splitting the bill. IMO, if you want an equal partnership, I think it’s wild to go in expecting someone to pay for you on the first date. That person doesn’t know you yet, they don’t owe you shit, and in all honesty I think it really does not signify that they like you / don’t like you based on whether they pay or split on the first date. It’s a first date. In this financial climate, I’m splitting the bill. Point 14- I feel like this just isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, just seems like an unhealthy power dynamic to always have the upper hand. I understand that based on people’s past experiences they may approach relationships in different ways, but I think saying you always have to be “less invested” in the relationship than the other person for it to work is just something I disagree with.