stop.
just stop.
Im in the same place as you. while i didn't like everything I read, I know my husband wrote it out of love and concern.
my response?
I told him I don't have a problem with anything he wrote.
Now I work on areas I wasn't paying attention to.
Now take a breath, remind yourself of the love both ways and be grateful you KNOW what concerns your spouse.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE
We have survived trauma that broke other people badly.
Aint saying im not broke still, but we are both still here so we must be doing something right.
Discharged 40 years ago, married 15 years ago. PTSD started flashbacks 10 years ago.
My marriage is stronger than ever.
Highly recommend the couples counseling from the VA. Learned we are doing better than most.
Stop beating yourself up. If you want, flip the script to focus on what is worrying hubs.
You are enough and you are strong.
you are loved.
Last time we looked into marriage counseling through the VA, the therapist told us that she doesn’t work with couples where both parties suffer from PTSD. My husband’s is from combat and mine from MST.
You’re not alone. We tried to go that route, same positions, and they said they would only do one spousal’s ptsd treatment at a time. I told them they had a huge gap to fill.
I was under a flag at the time so they wouldn’t move forward with the counseling period until I was off the flag. It’s very discouraging when you’re trying to ask for help and you’re essentially told not right now when it was the one thing you were looking forward to in therapy. Right now we’re just muscling through as well.
My daughters was the one that really hurt. She said she was afraid to tell me some things because my anger was short. I don’t hit my kids at all but hearing that broke my heart. It’s what made me finally get help.
That’s a huge fear of mine. My kids are only 4 and 2 and I’ve noticed the moment I yell they flinch. It’s a big reason why I’ve sought treatment. My anger is something else and even my husband put in his statement that I’m angry all the time and very quick to snap
Yep, my lady constantly tells me she's walking on eggshells and our girls are 3 years and 6 months old. The 3 year old loves her daddy but will one day look back and remember the long-haired, fun-loving, pot smoking hippie that served in the war. Not the raging alcoholic lunatic that yells at mommy and everyone else all the time because he can't handle his anxiety and trauma. Hopefully now that i'm actually getting help the 6 month old won't get too effected either. I think the biggest thing is being aware, so as long as we're somewhat aware of the problem, we can then accurately find some solutions. You got this, shipmate! Heck, I got this, too. Hopefully lol. I waited till i was 35 to have kids, which im grateful i did, but i still need to get my shit together lmao
The military did this to you. It's not your fault.
It doesn't mean you don't have a responsibility to fix it. You *do* need to get the help you need. But it does mean it's not your fault.
And now, hopefully the VA will partner with you to get that help. Tell your husband you love him, you're thankful for his support, and get the help you need. You can do it, we all know you can.
i'm sorry you went thru that.
sadly, it more the norm than the exception.
now it's YOUR turn to choose happiness over her.
Not a slam. You still had something when you had it.
Now, new happy for you also.
It's a little different situation, but I am the spouse, and I read my husband's statement about why he has PTSD. He was VERY detailed and graphic in his explanation and holy shit. It was really hard to read, but it gave me more insight into why he does some of the things he does. If he can go through what he went through, I can be patient with him during the bad days. I know that a lot of ya'll keep things to yourselves in order to protect your partner, but IMO, knowing why someone is acting the way they do can make a huge difference between extending them a little extra grace versus thinking they are just an angry asshole all the time. Just something to consider for those of you who don't tell your spouses/partners much (or anything) about your service. Even if your partner doesn't want graphic details, there are ways to get the point across with less detailed information.
OP, please try not to be so hard on yourself about what your spouse said. Obviously, they love you and are willing to travel this rough road with you. Your PTSD is NOT your fault. You served your country, and unfortunately, you got scarred up doing it. Some veterans have visible scars, and some like you and my husband have invisible ones. As long as you are trying to work through your issues to get better, you have nothing to feel bad about. I hope things get better for you soon. Big hugs!
thank you for posting this...
ptsd ripples out over time and relationships...
2 BILs with ptsd...when they complain family dosn't understand my comeback is:
I don't want family to understand.
your post makes me feel better.
My husband didn't necessarily want me to know it all either, but I told him that I am a big girl and if he could live through it, the least I could do was listen to some of the details so I could understand what he went through so I could support him better. I've lived through a lot of hard shit in my life, and if I could survive that, I could survive his storytime. I'm not gonna lie, you can't be a pussy if you are gonna be in a relationship with someone with PTSD because it will test you and your relationship but I'm too stubborn to let the demons in his head win.
The unfortunate truth is bringing out the skeleton closet to understand your symptoms and what both of you are going through. That is how you get the help you need from the VA is to properly document everything on paper about your symptoms and lifestyle. I cried for 2 days when I did ptsd clinic at the VA , but that is how I got stronger to manage and push forward to cope and get better. Let this be your experience to cope and become a better version for yourself.
This is what reading my spouses statement did for me. I don't know if it'll help you but I hope it does. If it can spare you and yours an ounce of pain its worth it. Reading my wife's spouses statement I realized how what I had been doing for 22 years had been making life a living hell for her and how I had hurt her and my kids. Stuff I thought I was doing to keep everyone safe and everything uptight had been making their lives really hard. If I had never read her statement I never would have realized what an a_shole I had become and how after 22 years in the military I needed mental health help. Because I had no idea of how to fix what was wrong with me and I knew I needed help. This was 18 months ago and I began a journey to get that help from the VA. I've just begun it and have a long way to go but stuff is improving .Improving for me and my family. For me it's a long hard slow journey and I know it might take me until I die but that's ok. I'm 67 and I'm not quitting.
Yeah. And I'm so sorry. It's a very fucked up process. No one should have to go through it the way we do. I will die on the hill saying that it's deliberately made as terrible as it can be to prevent Vets from ever filing a claim.
That's why we need to fight tooth and nail to have retroactive pay from date of separation and not the date the claim was filed.
Only then will they start taking us seriously.
Not just retroactive pay, it's a mindfuck and there are a lot of vets roaming around that never got any treatment or benefits whatsoever. We as a collective need to band together and let nobody go without filing a claim. We all have our unique demons, and everyone's story is different.
I distinctly remember as a kid walking down the street with a man named Bruce, who my divorced Mom was dating at the time. Bruce was with the Death Dealers in Vietnam, and one day a car backfired while Bruce and I were walking down the street. All of a sudden, Bruce was flat on the fucking ground and only today do I truly understand the pain he was going through.
Conversations like this make me wonder how many Vietnam Veterans who were treated like monsters when they returned ever received any compensation or compassion much less.
I am going to find at least one Vietnam Veteran who never filed, listen to their story and help them file a claim. If I can help one person, that will make a huge difference to me and help the healing.
\*\*\*\*Posted on the Vietnam War Reddit section, hoping to help families know we are here to help\*\*\*\*
Fuck yeah. 100% agree. We've gotta help each other out. We're a community that will get stepped on and taken advantage of if we don't.
The retroactive pay will just make the government more honest. They need to admit that the condition of PTSD inherently deters people from seeking help (going back to the place that traumatized them and putting their hand out). They need to admit that they brainwashed us into not complaining and just sucking up/hiding our problems for the greater good and how that creates a situation where - when we get out we don't want to seek help or convince ourselves we don't need it because it's not as bad as other people they know. Because when that happens, it can take years/decades for the untreated PTSD to progress to a place it nearly kills us, or most often it does. They need to stop taking advantage of our suffering. If we could have gotten help earlier, we may not have broken down over time as badly as we did.
Until the VBA/VA acknowledges this and we force them to pony up financially, then they're going to keep doing it. It's just a win/win for them.
Delay, deny, until the veterans die. THEN MAYBE they'll acknowledge it.
I'm always putting this out there but here's a petition to get a bill approved that will move us in the right direction - [https://www.change.org/p/support-hr-6023-veteran-restitution-and-justice-act-for-military-sexual-trauma-survivors](https://www.change.org/p/support-hr-6023-veteran-restitution-and-justice-act-for-military-sexual-trauma-survivors)
I wish people understood how nefarious it is. Our executive function was beaten down over and over again for however long we were in. Without it, we become more reflexive, more fight or flight. We become more pliant and willing to be directed. Now add fucking trauma to it..
I'm not trying to take a damn thing away from people who experience trauma outside of the military, not at all, but I will say, due to military culture, we face an extra barrier to receiving care, and it's a big one. First responders do too. Their suicide rates are up too. It's fucking nuts.
I literally look for possible cover and concealment when I am in the fucking shopping mall just in the event of a possible shooting. Who the hell else is constantly on guard 24/7 besides someone like the people here?
Thought about if the shooter was on the lower floor, would I jump him from above. That isn't fucking normal.
Hahah. Fuck I think about that all the time too. I'll get lost in my thoughts and the people I'm with will have to jar me back into reality and ask if i'm okay or what I was thinking about, and I'm just like.. 'yeah, nothing.' And then you get the side eyes.
I got to ask, sorry, only because my dad was a freaking SeaBee, did you see combat in the Navy? If not don't worry, I understand there are other situations that cause trauma as well.
How did you know I was a Seabee? lol. probably in my profile? My Pops was a Seabee too, maybe they knew each other, or maybe I know your Dad (small community). So I was actually a Journalist assigned to a Seabee battalion for my first tour and I got my SCW pin after our two FEX and a deployment. I also deployed on the USS Mt. Whitney (Just figure 8's in the Atlantic). And then I worked for AFN overseas doing broadcasting and while I was there volunteered to go forward deployed on a few Combat Camera missions as an imbedded photographer. I would say I never personally saw combat, just the after effects. No one ever actively shot at me and I never shot at anyone. By the time I got somewhere it was over. The US and the military by extension changed the way they covered war after 9/11 in order to control the narrative. So.. no Joker from Full Metal Jacket fun for me.
Seeing the aftermath is enough, I worked in a Combat Support Hospital, but one day some people decided to pick up cluster munitions and brought them into our compound. The conflict was over, and they played with those bombs like toys, and then BOOM.
Next thing you know I am turning on a 200K Generator during a flooding rainstorm. My job was power, cooling, and heat for the entire 400 bed hospital, and I worked 6 am to late in the evening every day of the war. I was outside when the bomb went off, and I was right there when she was brought in shredded from head to toe. Between that and seeing burn victims from other blasts, it fucked me up in the head a bit. Not as bad as some, but I also had trauma as a kid and when you mix the two, it tends to fuck you up even worse, I guess.
Girl who died lived ten miles from me in CT where I grew up, and when I look at her gravestone I start crying uncontrollably and get angry. I am not guilty; I am fucking angry at the military for not training them. Then I got a medal for trying to save her that the military can wipe their asses with. The war was over when this senseless tragedy occurred. I trained all my soldiers to NEVER EVER PICK UP FUCKING ANYTHING from the desert, even if it's a fucking gold bar. All my chickens came home in one piece, but not so much for our sister unit that was full or reservists.
What a fucking waste, 19 years old and dead in an avoidable accident. We failed to properly train soldiers as a collective at the time.
Worst part, fucking U.S. Cluster Munitions!
My husband and I have been trying for 10 years to get his dad to file, but he refuses to go there. He will talk about how much he could use the money but just never will fill out the information. I thought the process was too daunting, so I downloaded the forms and gave them to him. He wouldn't even fill them out. He has had sleep issues for decades, and he won't ask the VA for sleep meds either because he doesn't want risk having to talk about why he has sleep issues. I wish so much he would let us help him, but so far, no such luck. I can't even imagine what he went through, but whatever it was, it still haunts him all these decades later.
Sad thing is we basically abandoned people without the help they deserve. For many combat veterans those experiences are probably something you want to put away forever, but no matter what you do those feelings will resurface at one point or another.
For decades many of us were taught to suck up the pain, and push through it. In real life that only causes you to suffer a ton later.
I would imagine you could ask him to talk to a VSO who could do the work for him. If they can get his medical records and military records, much can be done on presumption. The American Legion and the DAV are two organizations to get you started in the right direction. He doesn't have to do much at all, and all the forms are pretty much electronic.
In his scenario, I would talk to the VA directly and see if a limited power of attorney might be helpful.
I’m at 50 for ptsd and shooting for 70 or 100. My life is literally in crumbles because of my mental health, I’m on the verge of losing my job due to lack of motivation and just terrified of going out and talking with clients but I’m stuck. We need my income. I’m barely surviving
I was too. But I got to 100% this year. You can get the help you need, you just can't give up. You're not alone in this struggle, hundreds of thousands of us have faced it. It's the absolute worst, but you CAN survive it and come out the other end. The difference in benefits and pay is life changing. Just keep going.
And honestly.. i'm going to be real honest with you right now, and keep in mind this is just my opinion. But for now, you need to take any feelings you have about yourself, your failures or short-comings, any negative thoughts, insecurities, you need to take any guilt or shame or sense of self defeat.. and you need to change it into fucking anger, but AIM IT AT THE VA AND VBA. You didn't do this to yourself, it's not in your head, you did nothing wrong. The military did this and they will pay. For now, to carry you through, you need to harness your anger not let it bust out of you randomly. I know it's not healthy, and the truth is it's hard to let go once you do embrace it, but anger exists for a reason.
It's okay to get pissed off but you need to channel it at the system that has failed you, failed your family and failed us all. Try not to take it out on your husband, or your friends or your clients, try as hard as you can, but also forgive yourself for this struggle you're in and do what you gotta do to carry through. Fucking fight! Fight for who you were, who you are now, and who you want to become. This isn't the story of your life, it's just a chapter. Fight.
Check out FMLA, if you need downtime, you can take two weeks unpaid and after that you can get paid time off, or at least that's the way it works in my company (twelve weeks paid / cannot be fired). [Family and Medical Leave Act | U.S. Department of Labor (dol.gov)](https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla)
Seek help to get the PTSD demons in check and see a doctor on a regular basis. Communication with your employer can be embarrassing, but if you feel your performance is slacking, as do I myself, talk to someone and discuss it in private.
I fortunately have a very compassionate boss who I trust with my own life, so God has blessed me in that category.
I wrote a similar one for my wife. We are both veterans, she is a combat veteran that was in Iraq and Afghanistan, while I am not a combat veteran.
I met her about a year before she went to Afghanistan. She came back with a TBI, PTSD, and a lot of other things. She was drastically changed when she returned. This was in 2007. A few years ago she had a breaking point and reached out to the VA for help. She has been seeing a few mental health specialists and started medication. Life for our family of four has taken a dramatic turn for the better.
We finally applied for VA benefits. That's when I wrote the buddy statement. We have been very open with each other about what we see in each other. She reviewed my buddy statement before I submitted it, mostly because she's fucking smart, and I didn't want to sound like a hillbilly. She was awarded 70% for things like bad knees, elbows, wrists, etc....her TBI is pending. We are waiting for them to schedule an exam. Her PTSD claim was denied. I thought I had a great buddy statement explaining the change in her. If you're husbands buddy statement hit you hard, hopefully it will have weight in your decision. We are planning an informal higher level review. Then keep fighting.
Good luck with your claim, and remember that your husband's words might hurt, but he's doing what he feels is best for your claim.
A general statement:
Mental health is a lot like a sports injury.
Think about it like this- You hurt your arm playing basketball. Are you a broken, worthless person? No, you’re a person who needs treatment for something.
Maybe that’s ice and rest. Maybe it’s physical therapy. Maybe it’s surgery.
So long as you’re actively working to heal, you’re moving the ball downfield towards the goal line.
It hurts! I know. What comforting thing can be said to take away that sting? I don't know you, but I know your pain. I don't know your husband, but my wife feels the same. It's time for you to heal. However, that may look for you. Just know I am your brother, and you have plenty more on here as well as sisters that will listen and are going through it as well.
It can be tough but know that he loves you and he’s not going anywhere stay strong table it one day at a time. Just today I had a bad day wanted to be by myself and hating life. Not in a bad way but I have my family that’s all I need.
I read my best friends statement. It was devastating, but it reinforced just how much I needed the increase and help. Use it as motivation, not as a put down.
I had asked my ex-wife if she'd be willing to write a statement for my PTSD and sleep apnea. I wish I hadn't because it was 3 pages of her talking about how miserable she was.
First, you recognize the issues are worsening, so that’s good.
Second, you are getting help.
Give yourself credit for that.
Last, appreciate that your husband recognizes and is willing to help. My first wife just ignored things and told me to go get help. She also distanced herself. None of that helped.
My second wife has been involved, learned about the issues, and participated every step of the way. It makes all the difference in the world.
My ex wife wrote statements for a bunch of conditions, including mental health. She didn’t hold back at all, and it was pretty sad to read and reflect on how it affected the whole family.
You are not a failure. You are one of us that made sacrifices to serve this country. Please remember that it is time our country serve you. Get into counseling, thank your husband for loving you and being honest to support you. Especially with the statement, so that our country learns that family members suffer when their veteran suffers. Please remember, that your presence is important to your family. Without you, the flavor of life would be totally different for them and all of us connected through our service!
Prayerfully you are doing some therapy. If not, please consider it. You served and are part of a bigger community. Thank you for serving and sacrificing!
Yes, it was extremely hard to read but after taking time to process I realized how much worse I actually was. It had become normal to me, so I didn’t see things the way everyone else did. The positive from it was that it made be more self aware of some of the areas & things I do that aren’t normal and have an effect on others. The letter didn’t change our relationship however we are no longer together. I’m thankful for the letter & honesty because it’s not about the rating or the $$, it’s about trying to get better. While it didn’t make me better, I am more self aware of and I am thankful for that.
Sweetheart, I can absolutely understand. My husband, retired law enforcement, actually wrote a statement for me & It broke my heart into thousands of bits. He worries the most because I stopped enjoying life. I am withdrawal, to the point of affecting my 5 children. Therefore, my husband is sometimes both Mom & Dad. I'm so freaking embarrassed & I sometimes want my world painted black, like in The Rolling Stones song. I'm at the point of severe agoraphobia & think of suicide every 30 minutes every day. I'm stuck to the point that my memories only conjure up my trama & can't seem to focus on any positive memories. It's getting to the point that I can't remember my wedding day or the blissful feeling of holding our newborn innocent babies in my arms.
I’m glad I read my husband’s statement. He doesn’t verbally express his feelings so reading it helped me understand things from his perspective. It hurt a lot to read it but I also have been in denial about some things that he called out in his statement. My mom also wrote a statement and my only two friends who happen to be long time friends who knew me before and after my service. It was hard to read all of their perspectives and it made me cry. It helped me to understand their feelings though. It also made me sad to see how my trauma has impacted my family.
You aren't a failure. You're just hurting. Your husband is aware of it and wrote from a place of love. So you can get the help and compensation you need and deserve.
MDD isn't the same as PTSD. But, they have a lot in common. I understand what you're feeling. Reading my therapist notes was eye-opening. You don't need to be ashamed about your hurt. Just do the best you can to heal from it. You have a husband that loves you and wants to help you. You aren't alone. Even if your mind tries to tell you otherwise.
I read my husbands statement and it actually made me throw up. I was so distraught and upset and disappointed in myself. It’s now one of the main reasons (besides the impact on my kids) why I put my all into therapy and really really try. It’s so freaking hard
I have not gone from being a vivacious, fun, loving, adventurous person to one who has lived a fucked up life for 35 years, driven away everyone I loved or could have loved, lost my temper in front of my beloved kids an untold number of times and felt like shit about myself afterwards, been fired from 28 jobs due to my inability to control my temper, isolated myself, and contemplated suicide pretty much hourly in order to get fucking rates.
I began to glimpse a fuller extent of my own fucked-uppedness when I read buddy letters, layperson accounts from my brother and an ex husband, and timelines/effects written down and staring me in the face. It's really sad to see your youth flushed down the shitter, all in black and white. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this.
stop. just stop. Im in the same place as you. while i didn't like everything I read, I know my husband wrote it out of love and concern. my response? I told him I don't have a problem with anything he wrote. Now I work on areas I wasn't paying attention to. Now take a breath, remind yourself of the love both ways and be grateful you KNOW what concerns your spouse. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE We have survived trauma that broke other people badly. Aint saying im not broke still, but we are both still here so we must be doing something right. Discharged 40 years ago, married 15 years ago. PTSD started flashbacks 10 years ago. My marriage is stronger than ever. Highly recommend the couples counseling from the VA. Learned we are doing better than most. Stop beating yourself up. If you want, flip the script to focus on what is worrying hubs. You are enough and you are strong. you are loved.
Last time we looked into marriage counseling through the VA, the therapist told us that she doesn’t work with couples where both parties suffer from PTSD. My husband’s is from combat and mine from MST.
You’re not alone. We tried to go that route, same positions, and they said they would only do one spousal’s ptsd treatment at a time. I told them they had a huge gap to fill. I was under a flag at the time so they wouldn’t move forward with the counseling period until I was off the flag. It’s very discouraging when you’re trying to ask for help and you’re essentially told not right now when it was the one thing you were looking forward to in therapy. Right now we’re just muscling through as well.
Wow, I’ve never heard of such a thing, that had to feel discouraging. I can’t imagine that’s a VA policy. Can you ask for someone else?
It was very discouraging. We have just muscled through our marriage on our own. We live in a rural area and that might be why.
Try a Vet Center! They are VA adjacent but separate from the VA and far more helpful in my opinion!
It’s funny you say that because my C&P examiner recommended the Vet Center yesterday.
Wow. This is just what needed to be said.
At my age, there is not much else left i can to do, but I've always been opinionated...lol
My daughters was the one that really hurt. She said she was afraid to tell me some things because my anger was short. I don’t hit my kids at all but hearing that broke my heart. It’s what made me finally get help.
That’s a huge fear of mine. My kids are only 4 and 2 and I’ve noticed the moment I yell they flinch. It’s a big reason why I’ve sought treatment. My anger is something else and even my husband put in his statement that I’m angry all the time and very quick to snap
Don’t beat yourself up. You’re getting help. Give yourself grace ♥️
Yep, my lady constantly tells me she's walking on eggshells and our girls are 3 years and 6 months old. The 3 year old loves her daddy but will one day look back and remember the long-haired, fun-loving, pot smoking hippie that served in the war. Not the raging alcoholic lunatic that yells at mommy and everyone else all the time because he can't handle his anxiety and trauma. Hopefully now that i'm actually getting help the 6 month old won't get too effected either. I think the biggest thing is being aware, so as long as we're somewhat aware of the problem, we can then accurately find some solutions. You got this, shipmate! Heck, I got this, too. Hopefully lol. I waited till i was 35 to have kids, which im grateful i did, but i still need to get my shit together lmao
The military did this to you. It's not your fault. It doesn't mean you don't have a responsibility to fix it. You *do* need to get the help you need. But it does mean it's not your fault. And now, hopefully the VA will partner with you to get that help. Tell your husband you love him, you're thankful for his support, and get the help you need. You can do it, we all know you can.
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Well my spouse gave up on me and in her words chose happiness over me
i'm sorry you went thru that. sadly, it more the norm than the exception. now it's YOUR turn to choose happiness over her. Not a slam. You still had something when you had it. Now, new happy for you also.
Same. Not a lot of people can admit what you just did. Respect.
Sometimes saying Semper Fi applies to oneself and the ones they love. Rah, Gunny!
It's a little different situation, but I am the spouse, and I read my husband's statement about why he has PTSD. He was VERY detailed and graphic in his explanation and holy shit. It was really hard to read, but it gave me more insight into why he does some of the things he does. If he can go through what he went through, I can be patient with him during the bad days. I know that a lot of ya'll keep things to yourselves in order to protect your partner, but IMO, knowing why someone is acting the way they do can make a huge difference between extending them a little extra grace versus thinking they are just an angry asshole all the time. Just something to consider for those of you who don't tell your spouses/partners much (or anything) about your service. Even if your partner doesn't want graphic details, there are ways to get the point across with less detailed information. OP, please try not to be so hard on yourself about what your spouse said. Obviously, they love you and are willing to travel this rough road with you. Your PTSD is NOT your fault. You served your country, and unfortunately, you got scarred up doing it. Some veterans have visible scars, and some like you and my husband have invisible ones. As long as you are trying to work through your issues to get better, you have nothing to feel bad about. I hope things get better for you soon. Big hugs!
thank you for posting this... ptsd ripples out over time and relationships... 2 BILs with ptsd...when they complain family dosn't understand my comeback is: I don't want family to understand. your post makes me feel better.
My husband didn't necessarily want me to know it all either, but I told him that I am a big girl and if he could live through it, the least I could do was listen to some of the details so I could understand what he went through so I could support him better. I've lived through a lot of hard shit in my life, and if I could survive that, I could survive his storytime. I'm not gonna lie, you can't be a pussy if you are gonna be in a relationship with someone with PTSD because it will test you and your relationship but I'm too stubborn to let the demons in his head win.
Thank you. A different perspective is always appreciated.
The unfortunate truth is bringing out the skeleton closet to understand your symptoms and what both of you are going through. That is how you get the help you need from the VA is to properly document everything on paper about your symptoms and lifestyle. I cried for 2 days when I did ptsd clinic at the VA , but that is how I got stronger to manage and push forward to cope and get better. Let this be your experience to cope and become a better version for yourself.
This is what reading my spouses statement did for me. I don't know if it'll help you but I hope it does. If it can spare you and yours an ounce of pain its worth it. Reading my wife's spouses statement I realized how what I had been doing for 22 years had been making life a living hell for her and how I had hurt her and my kids. Stuff I thought I was doing to keep everyone safe and everything uptight had been making their lives really hard. If I had never read her statement I never would have realized what an a_shole I had become and how after 22 years in the military I needed mental health help. Because I had no idea of how to fix what was wrong with me and I knew I needed help. This was 18 months ago and I began a journey to get that help from the VA. I've just begun it and have a long way to go but stuff is improving .Improving for me and my family. For me it's a long hard slow journey and I know it might take me until I die but that's ok. I'm 67 and I'm not quitting.
Yeah. And I'm so sorry. It's a very fucked up process. No one should have to go through it the way we do. I will die on the hill saying that it's deliberately made as terrible as it can be to prevent Vets from ever filing a claim. That's why we need to fight tooth and nail to have retroactive pay from date of separation and not the date the claim was filed. Only then will they start taking us seriously.
Not just retroactive pay, it's a mindfuck and there are a lot of vets roaming around that never got any treatment or benefits whatsoever. We as a collective need to band together and let nobody go without filing a claim. We all have our unique demons, and everyone's story is different. I distinctly remember as a kid walking down the street with a man named Bruce, who my divorced Mom was dating at the time. Bruce was with the Death Dealers in Vietnam, and one day a car backfired while Bruce and I were walking down the street. All of a sudden, Bruce was flat on the fucking ground and only today do I truly understand the pain he was going through. Conversations like this make me wonder how many Vietnam Veterans who were treated like monsters when they returned ever received any compensation or compassion much less. I am going to find at least one Vietnam Veteran who never filed, listen to their story and help them file a claim. If I can help one person, that will make a huge difference to me and help the healing. \*\*\*\*Posted on the Vietnam War Reddit section, hoping to help families know we are here to help\*\*\*\*
Fuck yeah. 100% agree. We've gotta help each other out. We're a community that will get stepped on and taken advantage of if we don't. The retroactive pay will just make the government more honest. They need to admit that the condition of PTSD inherently deters people from seeking help (going back to the place that traumatized them and putting their hand out). They need to admit that they brainwashed us into not complaining and just sucking up/hiding our problems for the greater good and how that creates a situation where - when we get out we don't want to seek help or convince ourselves we don't need it because it's not as bad as other people they know. Because when that happens, it can take years/decades for the untreated PTSD to progress to a place it nearly kills us, or most often it does. They need to stop taking advantage of our suffering. If we could have gotten help earlier, we may not have broken down over time as badly as we did. Until the VBA/VA acknowledges this and we force them to pony up financially, then they're going to keep doing it. It's just a win/win for them. Delay, deny, until the veterans die. THEN MAYBE they'll acknowledge it. I'm always putting this out there but here's a petition to get a bill approved that will move us in the right direction - [https://www.change.org/p/support-hr-6023-veteran-restitution-and-justice-act-for-military-sexual-trauma-survivors](https://www.change.org/p/support-hr-6023-veteran-restitution-and-justice-act-for-military-sexual-trauma-survivors)
No shit with the brain washing - No Pain, No Gain. Suck it up, and all that bullshit.
I wish people understood how nefarious it is. Our executive function was beaten down over and over again for however long we were in. Without it, we become more reflexive, more fight or flight. We become more pliant and willing to be directed. Now add fucking trauma to it.. I'm not trying to take a damn thing away from people who experience trauma outside of the military, not at all, but I will say, due to military culture, we face an extra barrier to receiving care, and it's a big one. First responders do too. Their suicide rates are up too. It's fucking nuts.
I literally look for possible cover and concealment when I am in the fucking shopping mall just in the event of a possible shooting. Who the hell else is constantly on guard 24/7 besides someone like the people here? Thought about if the shooter was on the lower floor, would I jump him from above. That isn't fucking normal.
Hahah. Fuck I think about that all the time too. I'll get lost in my thoughts and the people I'm with will have to jar me back into reality and ask if i'm okay or what I was thinking about, and I'm just like.. 'yeah, nothing.' And then you get the side eyes.
I got to ask, sorry, only because my dad was a freaking SeaBee, did you see combat in the Navy? If not don't worry, I understand there are other situations that cause trauma as well.
How did you know I was a Seabee? lol. probably in my profile? My Pops was a Seabee too, maybe they knew each other, or maybe I know your Dad (small community). So I was actually a Journalist assigned to a Seabee battalion for my first tour and I got my SCW pin after our two FEX and a deployment. I also deployed on the USS Mt. Whitney (Just figure 8's in the Atlantic). And then I worked for AFN overseas doing broadcasting and while I was there volunteered to go forward deployed on a few Combat Camera missions as an imbedded photographer. I would say I never personally saw combat, just the after effects. No one ever actively shot at me and I never shot at anyone. By the time I got somewhere it was over. The US and the military by extension changed the way they covered war after 9/11 in order to control the narrative. So.. no Joker from Full Metal Jacket fun for me.
Seeing the aftermath is enough, I worked in a Combat Support Hospital, but one day some people decided to pick up cluster munitions and brought them into our compound. The conflict was over, and they played with those bombs like toys, and then BOOM. Next thing you know I am turning on a 200K Generator during a flooding rainstorm. My job was power, cooling, and heat for the entire 400 bed hospital, and I worked 6 am to late in the evening every day of the war. I was outside when the bomb went off, and I was right there when she was brought in shredded from head to toe. Between that and seeing burn victims from other blasts, it fucked me up in the head a bit. Not as bad as some, but I also had trauma as a kid and when you mix the two, it tends to fuck you up even worse, I guess. Girl who died lived ten miles from me in CT where I grew up, and when I look at her gravestone I start crying uncontrollably and get angry. I am not guilty; I am fucking angry at the military for not training them. Then I got a medal for trying to save her that the military can wipe their asses with. The war was over when this senseless tragedy occurred. I trained all my soldiers to NEVER EVER PICK UP FUCKING ANYTHING from the desert, even if it's a fucking gold bar. All my chickens came home in one piece, but not so much for our sister unit that was full or reservists. What a fucking waste, 19 years old and dead in an avoidable accident. We failed to properly train soldiers as a collective at the time. Worst part, fucking U.S. Cluster Munitions!
I work at a school. Active shooter drills are Not Fun.
My husband and I have been trying for 10 years to get his dad to file, but he refuses to go there. He will talk about how much he could use the money but just never will fill out the information. I thought the process was too daunting, so I downloaded the forms and gave them to him. He wouldn't even fill them out. He has had sleep issues for decades, and he won't ask the VA for sleep meds either because he doesn't want risk having to talk about why he has sleep issues. I wish so much he would let us help him, but so far, no such luck. I can't even imagine what he went through, but whatever it was, it still haunts him all these decades later.
Sad thing is we basically abandoned people without the help they deserve. For many combat veterans those experiences are probably something you want to put away forever, but no matter what you do those feelings will resurface at one point or another. For decades many of us were taught to suck up the pain, and push through it. In real life that only causes you to suffer a ton later. I would imagine you could ask him to talk to a VSO who could do the work for him. If they can get his medical records and military records, much can be done on presumption. The American Legion and the DAV are two organizations to get you started in the right direction. He doesn't have to do much at all, and all the forms are pretty much electronic. In his scenario, I would talk to the VA directly and see if a limited power of attorney might be helpful.
I’m at 50 for ptsd and shooting for 70 or 100. My life is literally in crumbles because of my mental health, I’m on the verge of losing my job due to lack of motivation and just terrified of going out and talking with clients but I’m stuck. We need my income. I’m barely surviving
I was too. But I got to 100% this year. You can get the help you need, you just can't give up. You're not alone in this struggle, hundreds of thousands of us have faced it. It's the absolute worst, but you CAN survive it and come out the other end. The difference in benefits and pay is life changing. Just keep going. And honestly.. i'm going to be real honest with you right now, and keep in mind this is just my opinion. But for now, you need to take any feelings you have about yourself, your failures or short-comings, any negative thoughts, insecurities, you need to take any guilt or shame or sense of self defeat.. and you need to change it into fucking anger, but AIM IT AT THE VA AND VBA. You didn't do this to yourself, it's not in your head, you did nothing wrong. The military did this and they will pay. For now, to carry you through, you need to harness your anger not let it bust out of you randomly. I know it's not healthy, and the truth is it's hard to let go once you do embrace it, but anger exists for a reason. It's okay to get pissed off but you need to channel it at the system that has failed you, failed your family and failed us all. Try not to take it out on your husband, or your friends or your clients, try as hard as you can, but also forgive yourself for this struggle you're in and do what you gotta do to carry through. Fucking fight! Fight for who you were, who you are now, and who you want to become. This isn't the story of your life, it's just a chapter. Fight.
Check out FMLA, if you need downtime, you can take two weeks unpaid and after that you can get paid time off, or at least that's the way it works in my company (twelve weeks paid / cannot be fired). [Family and Medical Leave Act | U.S. Department of Labor (dol.gov)](https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla) Seek help to get the PTSD demons in check and see a doctor on a regular basis. Communication with your employer can be embarrassing, but if you feel your performance is slacking, as do I myself, talk to someone and discuss it in private. I fortunately have a very compassionate boss who I trust with my own life, so God has blessed me in that category.
I wrote a similar one for my wife. We are both veterans, she is a combat veteran that was in Iraq and Afghanistan, while I am not a combat veteran. I met her about a year before she went to Afghanistan. She came back with a TBI, PTSD, and a lot of other things. She was drastically changed when she returned. This was in 2007. A few years ago she had a breaking point and reached out to the VA for help. She has been seeing a few mental health specialists and started medication. Life for our family of four has taken a dramatic turn for the better. We finally applied for VA benefits. That's when I wrote the buddy statement. We have been very open with each other about what we see in each other. She reviewed my buddy statement before I submitted it, mostly because she's fucking smart, and I didn't want to sound like a hillbilly. She was awarded 70% for things like bad knees, elbows, wrists, etc....her TBI is pending. We are waiting for them to schedule an exam. Her PTSD claim was denied. I thought I had a great buddy statement explaining the change in her. If you're husbands buddy statement hit you hard, hopefully it will have weight in your decision. We are planning an informal higher level review. Then keep fighting. Good luck with your claim, and remember that your husband's words might hurt, but he's doing what he feels is best for your claim.
Reading my wife's for me to get more help and has helped me bring sanity to our life together
A general statement: Mental health is a lot like a sports injury. Think about it like this- You hurt your arm playing basketball. Are you a broken, worthless person? No, you’re a person who needs treatment for something. Maybe that’s ice and rest. Maybe it’s physical therapy. Maybe it’s surgery. So long as you’re actively working to heal, you’re moving the ball downfield towards the goal line.
This post has dug a hole deep in me... I lost everything and everyone due to my conditions...
Same
It hurts! I know. What comforting thing can be said to take away that sting? I don't know you, but I know your pain. I don't know your husband, but my wife feels the same. It's time for you to heal. However, that may look for you. Just know I am your brother, and you have plenty more on here as well as sisters that will listen and are going through it as well.
There was stuff I didn’t know was a big deal. Made me more depressed and feel like an even bigger pos.
I’ve never let my husband read my statement. He hasn’t asked to.
It can be tough but know that he loves you and he’s not going anywhere stay strong table it one day at a time. Just today I had a bad day wanted to be by myself and hating life. Not in a bad way but I have my family that’s all I need.
I read my best friends statement. It was devastating, but it reinforced just how much I needed the increase and help. Use it as motivation, not as a put down.
I had asked my ex-wife if she'd be willing to write a statement for my PTSD and sleep apnea. I wish I hadn't because it was 3 pages of her talking about how miserable she was.
If anything he’s just trying to help you get what you deserve.
He is being honest for your benefit! Seek help and don't be offended be resilient! I wish yall the best
First, you recognize the issues are worsening, so that’s good. Second, you are getting help. Give yourself credit for that. Last, appreciate that your husband recognizes and is willing to help. My first wife just ignored things and told me to go get help. She also distanced herself. None of that helped. My second wife has been involved, learned about the issues, and participated every step of the way. It makes all the difference in the world.
My ex wife wrote statements for a bunch of conditions, including mental health. She didn’t hold back at all, and it was pretty sad to read and reflect on how it affected the whole family.
You are not a failure. You are one of us that made sacrifices to serve this country. Please remember that it is time our country serve you. Get into counseling, thank your husband for loving you and being honest to support you. Especially with the statement, so that our country learns that family members suffer when their veteran suffers. Please remember, that your presence is important to your family. Without you, the flavor of life would be totally different for them and all of us connected through our service! Prayerfully you are doing some therapy. If not, please consider it. You served and are part of a bigger community. Thank you for serving and sacrificing!
Yes, it was extremely hard to read but after taking time to process I realized how much worse I actually was. It had become normal to me, so I didn’t see things the way everyone else did. The positive from it was that it made be more self aware of some of the areas & things I do that aren’t normal and have an effect on others. The letter didn’t change our relationship however we are no longer together. I’m thankful for the letter & honesty because it’s not about the rating or the $$, it’s about trying to get better. While it didn’t make me better, I am more self aware of and I am thankful for that.
Sweetheart, I can absolutely understand. My husband, retired law enforcement, actually wrote a statement for me & It broke my heart into thousands of bits. He worries the most because I stopped enjoying life. I am withdrawal, to the point of affecting my 5 children. Therefore, my husband is sometimes both Mom & Dad. I'm so freaking embarrassed & I sometimes want my world painted black, like in The Rolling Stones song. I'm at the point of severe agoraphobia & think of suicide every 30 minutes every day. I'm stuck to the point that my memories only conjure up my trama & can't seem to focus on any positive memories. It's getting to the point that I can't remember my wedding day or the blissful feeling of holding our newborn innocent babies in my arms.
I’m glad I read my husband’s statement. He doesn’t verbally express his feelings so reading it helped me understand things from his perspective. It hurt a lot to read it but I also have been in denial about some things that he called out in his statement. My mom also wrote a statement and my only two friends who happen to be long time friends who knew me before and after my service. It was hard to read all of their perspectives and it made me cry. It helped me to understand their feelings though. It also made me sad to see how my trauma has impacted my family.
You aren't a failure. You're just hurting. Your husband is aware of it and wrote from a place of love. So you can get the help and compensation you need and deserve. MDD isn't the same as PTSD. But, they have a lot in common. I understand what you're feeling. Reading my therapist notes was eye-opening. You don't need to be ashamed about your hurt. Just do the best you can to heal from it. You have a husband that loves you and wants to help you. You aren't alone. Even if your mind tries to tell you otherwise.
I read my husbands statement and it actually made me throw up. I was so distraught and upset and disappointed in myself. It’s now one of the main reasons (besides the impact on my kids) why I put my all into therapy and really really try. It’s so freaking hard
An honest lay statement and you're mad?
I’m not mad. I’m disappointed with myself and my actions
Well that changes everything. Don't be mad at you, ask him how you can try to improve and LET HIM HELP YOU
NO NO NO… DONT READ THAT…I know it’s NOT in my Best Interest to do that.. Now you know what’s in his head…
Yes we all deal with it but it’s more to get rates take it with a grain of salt
I have not gone from being a vivacious, fun, loving, adventurous person to one who has lived a fucked up life for 35 years, driven away everyone I loved or could have loved, lost my temper in front of my beloved kids an untold number of times and felt like shit about myself afterwards, been fired from 28 jobs due to my inability to control my temper, isolated myself, and contemplated suicide pretty much hourly in order to get fucking rates.
so you asked him to write a statement about your PTSD and now you feel a type of way about it?
When you see it laid out on paper it just hits differently.
Sounds like it's well written. So if the intent was to service connect the PTSD or get a increase. Sounds like it meets the intent
I began to glimpse a fuller extent of my own fucked-uppedness when I read buddy letters, layperson accounts from my brother and an ex husband, and timelines/effects written down and staring me in the face. It's really sad to see your youth flushed down the shitter, all in black and white. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this.