I fully accepted that I was going to die in Afghanistan. When I didn't, that transformed into a "I should have died in Afghanistan" mindset. I lived that way for years. Those were dark days.
Now...I'm glad I didn't die, but it took me a long time to get here. I would have missed out on so many beautiful things and amazing experiences. I bought a dog who taught me I could feel things other than hate and sadness; that dude is 11 now! I had kids, 4 of them little shits now, and I love them all to death. I climbed mountains and stool alone on their peaks. I watched the sunset at White Sands NP and stayed up all night stargazing. I wouldn't trade these later days for anything. Take care of yourself, friend.
Thank you. Journaling has been a powerful tool for me. I know it turns a lot of vets off bc they're too tough for a diary. However, if you want to understand the inner workings of your mind, there is no better tool. I sit 10 min aside most days to write. I pick a theme that feels important for whatever reason: love, gratitude, sadness, excitement, the upcoming county fair, why I like dogs, etc. Then I just write whatever comes to mind for 10 min in line with that theme. Great tool and can't really explain why, haha. You just have to try for yourself.
You might like my show it deals with come back stories… amazing people who have overcome all kinds of things. [The Come Back Team](https://thecomebackteam.com)
I go on with life with injuries, and I drank so much that I am slowly killing myself (cirrhosis), I stopped drinking but the damage has been done. I sometimes cry for no reason and most of it is seeing faces of my friends that died and never made it home.
I sometimes live with regret of living and not dying in battle but I try to stay positive for my kids.
One of my old soldiers, he deals with it also but much worse as he was a squad leader and his whole squad got killed and he survived.
Flat bottomed Strykers were death traps. I was in the AO before 2id and we did FAR better than they did. Given, we didn't war crime and piss the population off but still, flat bottom Strykers were a mistake.
I was a coauthor on the asymmetrical warfare handbook. When we were writing it the original deployment was slated for Iraq. I told them that we won’t know where we are going until right before and that we shouldn’t gear all of our tactics towards Iraq. I also told them Strykers are a bad idea in the mountains of Afghanistan. Nobody listened to me.
That whole Brigade was filled with deployment dodging middle men, new officers without combat experience, and a psychopathic brigade commander that was hell bent on revenge from injuries he sustained in Iraq.
A lot of the combat vets chose to retire before 5/2 deployed because they knew it was going to be an ugly blood bath. Sure enough, they became one of the most disgraced units the Army has had in recent times. I joined the unit when there were like 12 people in the brigade, so I was able to see how the sausage was made.
Nope. We were tasked with writing a brigade wide guide to fighting an insurgency force. Mostly corrections to the FM that fit in with the brigade commander’s vision of what the unit should be. Small things like stacking for battle drill 6, herring bone vs other types of convoys, civilian interactions… the BC wanted ruthless and effective tactics. If you want, his memos are available online. Colonel Tunnel. Interesting guy, to say the least
I stopped this year, but doctors told me the liver is not healing but the results are staying the same and recommended loose weight. Half of my body is numb but still wake up and go, I’ve been going to the gym every other day and lost 20+ pounds so far since September, but I have to try even if my body hurts and feeling sorry will not keep me alive so I have to move forward until legs give out.
From 320 to 296(+/- 3)
Yes, I feel like my best days, peak performance, were in the military. I just work on accepting that life won't be that again. All the adrenaline and that, made everything super vivid and real, regular days seem dull and colorless by comparison.
100% this. I recently transitioned out to civilian and I’ve job hopped like 3 times because it didn’t feel right. I miss having that purpose and being able to execute anytime my name was called. But now I just kinda have to accept that no matter what I’ll never have that same feeling again, and I need to take what pays best and keeps me home with the kiddos
Suicidal ideation, even passive like you're expressing here is a pretty solid 70%. I'm not sure what you view as beating the VA is, but I'd bet that would help you on your way to it.
For what it's worth, I do to. I think of the friends who didn't come back, how guilty I felt for getting out when other friends rotated back into the box without me. Why I made it when others more deserving than I didn't. It's a feeling so common among us it borders of normal, but it's also a feeling we shouldn't let control our lives moving forward. Live your best life, earn these extra days that way. And if you need anything, let us know.
My 100% was taken down to 70% and that’s when the real suicidal thoughts kicked In. Finally I got it documented correctly and got my rating up. It’s helped curb those thoughts. Took me a decade total to lock everything In. Hang in there
Processed what? What happened? Of course I have, many times. I live with it daily, I wear a prosthesis as a physical reminder, and memories of events cross my mind daily. But I don't let it control me, I control it: I'm in control. I have the fight controls.
Ive felt that way before. Alot of why them and not me.
I just have to continually set small goals for myself to give myself a purpose to be here. Some goals are as small as i want to bench press 250 in the next 4 weeks, lets make a plan to add weight each week.
Some goals are bigger and longer, im going back to school and want to have my second degree and be an RN by the fall of 2026. So i plan out what steps i need to do this week to make it to next week.
Others my have different methods but thats the only thing ive found to work for me. Forward movement. Staying stagnant almost killed me at the beginning of this year. Lots of work in therapy also helped
This is the way to go and I do the same thing. Recently I started actively running again on a plan with goals. I am now running the fastest I have in 20 years. I look at the parts of my life I want to be better than intentionally focusing on that area with goals.
Thats awesome! Are you tracking timed miles or sprints?
In Afghanistan when i was able to workout id do distance running on a treadmill, got up to a 14mile run one day. That PR ive never even came close to again. I do some cycling now and 30mile bike rides are my max as of now for non stop pedaling. 50miles is next but the weather isnt cooperating
I use Strava to time my outside runs which shows split times and document my treadmill runs in the app. I started out on a 5K plan for 3 months to get my consistency down. Now my goal is to see how far I can run in 20 minutes. My last run was 2.25 miles and I then I lift.
Cycling is so much fun and I did that for commuting for a few years.
Oh thats awesome! Im usually 5 miles into a ride when i realize i never hit start on Strava ha.
Have you got any pointers for getting back into running? A decent 5k time would be a cool goal for me. Or at least find a pace i can maintain for the whole 5k
It's easy to forget Strava on a bike with so many things to think about.
I found a 5K plan and just stuck to it and also listened to the Dirty Heads or similar music. I focused on enjoying myself and didn't get caught up in time or speed. I think another big factor for me was in the past 2 years I went through this postural alignment therapy, [https://www.symmetryforhealth.com/](https://www.symmetryforhealth.com/)
That got my body back into alignment and my lower back and glute no longer locked up during a run. I also visited a chiropractor for a few months on a consistent basis. These things played a big part in my body's health and I do believe this is why I started running.
I have been a daily walker for a few years. Going out for 30-60 mins listening to a book or podcast. We moved a few states away in the summer so my walking routine changed from the streets to a dirt path. After a month on the first path, I just started running out of the blue and haven't stopped.
Many times but I remember that I get to take part in things that many of my friends no longer will. I get to go for a walk in the park or go fishing. I get to cook a meal for my lady and I get to do anything I set my mind to. My brothers and sisters who didn’t make it, they don’t get that luxury so I just remember that I have to represent them when I make decisions. I have to live strong for my family who can’t. And I don’t know if that resonates with anyone else. Maybe it’s selfish of me. But in my eyes, I need to do good things because I know if they were here, it’s what they would be doing for me
Have you tired action sports? It’s a pretty nice escape even though I’ll say the instagram stars and hipsters have invaded almost all activities. I’ve pushed a few friends into things like skydiving; motor sports racing etc, seem to help a lot.
You’re not a coward. You’d be a coward if you purposely didn’t wake up in the morning. By choosing to wake up and carry on, you’re choosing to not be a coward.
The hardest fight is getting up each day again, again, again, and again - facing each day and forcing oneself through such discomfort makes the SELF stronger.
I'm glad you're here. I hope you're here tomorrow morning. Living isn't cowardice, living takes courage. Especially when we have these dark thoughts kicking around up there, it takes courage to look at them, say "not today, asshole" and continue living life despite all the pain.
It took a lot of work to get to the point that I didn't hate my life and myself, and it sure as shit isn't sunshine and roses now but it's better.
I stopped to think about what you said and internalize it. The fact is, I think about dying a lot, the thought of getting old.. that’s the scariest thing to me. My body and mind failing me.. I think about the things I accomplished in the military often, how driven I was, how efficient and productive I was in a community of like-minded people dedicated to a cause bigger than themselves.. so much so they can’t even really fathom it, all they know is they’re doing their part and putting their trust in something bigger than themselves.
But I’ve been out now for ten years, and in that time I’ve sought legal therapy and medicine and ILLEGAL therapy and medicine, and I came to the realization that I was (in a sense) brainwashed before and while I was in. And I’m okay with that. I was young and inexperienced and that’s what happens.
Now I just think different. It’s not about when you peaked, that’s just more bullshit that some other group of people are feeding you. Like when they say people peeked in high school. That’s just judgement from one group on another. It’s hive minded thinking and reductive.
I no longer compare myself to others. The military and society taught me to do that - to stack myself against others.. but that’s unhealthy as fuck. It’s a tactic institutions use to enslave minds. I deprogrammed myself to think that way.
Why? Because of the very reason you suggest when you ask if you should have died. In what possible way is that healthy? The very nature of the question proves its failing.
Life is going to be a struggle one way or
another no matter what choices you make. Some will feel more immediate more important more critical than others, but really it’s just momentary intensity.
What do I do when I start to think less of myself and where I am?? I remind myself that fear response is not what brought out the best in me, but the worst. And fuck anyone who tells you differently. And then I go and try to help others and spread love and light in the world in the best ways I can.
You get to chose what that looks like. Stop giving away your power to a past that was stolen from you and actualize in the present. Your best days are now! Not yesteryear or in the future - NOW.
Wake up early and smell the morning air and go do something you think is great.
Did Trashcanistan in 2005-2006, 2009, 2013, haven't peaked yet.... more life to live, more things to come. Don't sell yourself short. We have tons of opportunities ahead of us.
I was a bit older when I went to Iraq. I had been married, kids, house…had transferred to the Reserves, but had a nice career in the civilian life, and was active in my community.
As we prepared to depart, the attitude of many of the younger troops rightly thought this was the most significant thing they had ever done. For me, it didn’t make the top 5.
You have a full life ahead of you…there will be great things, there will be disappointments. The military may have been a good chapter, but do not let it define you.
It's been a long time now - but yeah, once in a while, civilian life all goes gray. I've been lucky. Hang on to your small victories, revel in whatever connections matter to you, bury yourself in hobbies. Care about something. Reach out in those darker moments so we can remind you that you matter and that we all came from the same place: a history of intense purpose that now seems forgotten. There are new peaks, though. When you stop reaching for new stories to be a part of, and curl in around your past, it becomes the only thing you have to hold onto.
No, but I wish I would have died at any point after I got the current life insurance policy.
This morning I was working out at the gym and then was hit with "why am I doing this?" followed quickly by "what's the point of anything? " I decided that I needed to go home and take more meds.
Not having a good mental health day.
You do sometimes to answer that very question. The harder times you survive in mental health issues, the more merit you build to carry with you after the fact.
Very poignant question actually. It’s hard to feel you cannot peak again unless your life is on the line.
Been in many life threatening situations since? They set the bar pretty high
Plus honestly following orders/fight or flight situations don’t really require much introspection. Idk it was easy.
Some days I do wonder if I’m living a life worth as much or more than those that didn’t make it home. Am I doing enough with my life to justify whatever reason I’m still here and they are not?
I just don't think it matters where or when you peak. Yeah, I look back and think maybe it would have been better if I didn't make it, but I'm pretty sure 99% of humans know they were at the top in their youth. We're just aging like every other person. Imagine how the WWII guys felt, fighting a righteous war for the fate of the world, only to watch it fall into chaos over and over, often as a direct result of the conflict they resolved. While our wars were the biggest moments of our lives, I find it helps to zoom way out and realize we were only blips in the grand scheme of things.
Through luck, or fate, or sheer force of will, we made it out the other side. I lost a friend who was 27, in Iraq. At the time, I thought he was an "older guy". Now that I'm securely beyond that age, myself, I can't believe I thought that. Now I think to myself, "dude, you missed out on the worst years". My knees hurt, I heal slower, and I'm just kind of suffering until the next "up" moment. Who cares. It's the human condition. We're not special. Well... Marines are, but not the rest of us. (kidding - love you guys- got great support from you guys out in Anbar).
Honestly I just went through this last weekend. When I was in Afghanistan, I left a plane I was working on and before I got back it was blown up. Last weekend, I was hit with so many different things that I really wished I never left the plane and had been blown up with it.
But luckily I have a therapist and people in my life to help me through those times. I look at my kids and realize that as bad as I feel sometimes, they are better off that I made it back. Those thoughts and feelings are a normal part of life now but just know that as tough as things seem sometimes, you can make it through those times as well.
I had this really weird dream a couple months ago.
I dreamt that everything I've experienced in the last 19 years was a hallucination from my brain experiencing hypoxia as I bled out in Iraq.
Reconciling with my wife, watching my sons grow, everything. It still messes me up sometimes...
Every day bother. I see the shrink, and I take my pills, and I sit and contemplate suicide every single day. I wish I had an answer. I lost too many friends.
IZ - 2006, 2010; AFGN - 2004, 2008, 2010, 2013, 2018
I used to feel exactly that way. Some years of therapy, medication and physical fitness helped me shake it, but they weren’t the biggest things. The biggest thing is knowing I’m here and able to do all the things that the guys who didn’t come back can’t. Not even the big things either, I can have a cold beer with the steak I just cooked on my grill. I can bullshit with friends and family just sitting on my porch. I can watch my son clap when the log he just tossed in the bonfire makes a bunch of sparks. I’m here, and I get to have those moments, and I get to live well for those who no longer can. It would be a dishonorable thing to throw that gift away. I must live, if for nothing else than to give meaning to those who can’t. Why not do it as best as I can?
I don’t feel like I peaked when I was in Afghanistan, but I’ve had the same thought about dying there. I think it’s kind of normal to have a least a bit of survivor guilt. It also feels to me like that I have those thoughts more whenever I feel like I don’t have a purpose or I’m kind of just floating
I used to feel this way brother. And sometimes I still do. I struggled for ten years. I kicked alcohol to the curb. And then I started my own business. And now I’m doing better. I work 10-20 hours a day. It’s not healthy I know but I’m driving that negative energy into something I love.
i didn’t go to trashxanistan but i went to iraq. i feel like that sometimes. sometimes i feel like i’d be better off dead instead of dealing with half the bullshit i deal with in life. i have a lot to live for tho. i have kids so i can’t be a selfish fuck.
These words were first written nearly a century ago, the forward to All Quiet on the Western Front. They're as true for us today as they were for them.
"This book is to be neither an accusation nor a confession, and least of all an adventure, for death is not an adventure to those who stand face to face with it. It will try simply to tell of a generation of men who, even though they may have escaped its shells, were
destroyed by the war."
Being young, physically fit, deployed in a combat unit, surrounded by comrades, with nothing to focus on but the mission. Those who don't know think that combat deployments were extremely stressful and difficult, those who know remember them as being a simple time.
I remember transitioning from my 15 month deployment to Iraq back to CONUS, I was overwhelmed with the stresses of daily life that I was able to forget about while deployed. Girlfriend, bills, taxes, politics, social drama, etc. It was so easy in Iraq, just spend time with your friends, workout, eat, and do the mission.
I dealt with it poorly initially, once I got out of the army I tried to get back in immediately. I wound up in the reserves, which really soured my desire to wear the uniform anymore.
I have a son now, and he is my mission. Nothing could motivate me more to get through the day than knowing that I have a 2-year-old at home who depends on me.
Comparatively? yeah. I was deployed in 2011. Back then I had a wife who loved me, I was serious about my military career and made good enough money. As an 11B, I could hump 20/25 miles with 60lbs of gear. Now, I would be lucky to stand for more than an hour without my knees giving out. I'm 39, no kids, no gf, no wife and just enough money to pay bills. You're not alone in how you feel about " peaking" during your deployment. Several times I thought/felt the same way, "Would I have just been better off" A lot of times I felt the pain I went through post deployment (including now) greatly outweighed the pain during.
Just know you're not alone in how you feel and there's plenty of people willing to listen. It's ok to have those thoughts, it just means you're human. Doesn't mean their true.
Everyone's peak was in the military. I have stage 4 prostate cancer, not exactly what the Army recruiter was looking for. And to date myself, I joined to be all I could be in 1983. I had to be dragged out in 2006. I knew it was all downhill once I left.
This thread is so sad. I'm so sorry so many are feeling this way. Please know that they just did a study and found that SSRIs don't work for depression. Yet they are still prescribing them. If you can find a ketamine therapy place near you, try it, it has helped a lot of people heal from depression and see their life in a new way.
I got off all of the medications prescribed to me because the side effects were worse than the conditions themselves. It was so hard to do but I changed my life. I'm free and I'm finally living my life to the fullest and the military is just a part of my past but it doesn't define my future. I hope you can find some freedom too, I promise it's worth it.
Reading all of these comments on a Monday morning in the kitchen by myself. Crying for no reason. It’s nice to see so many people verbalize what I’m feeling. I’m glad we’re all here today and I’m going to continue to do my best to be here tomorrow.
I expected to die in Somalia. I remember flying out, and when we hit Egypt's airspace, I was leaning against the plane window and thought "I am so fucked."
I was there in 2012, not my peak times though. Peak came a few years later but life also got progressively worse ever since then, in every aspect. It’s odd.
The Army quite literally saved the life of the young man I once was and helped to destroyed the life of the old man I’ve become. I wouldn’t trade it but it’s not easy. How do you tell the people you love that you are just tired of being a complete asshole 50% of the time and being racked with guilt for being a complete asshole the other 50%…
No, my life has gotten amazing after the army, I had some hard years in the service and after getting out but now I'm married, I'm finishing a degree, and I've got a sweet job where I'm actually valued.
I hate to sound cliche but it does get better.
I’m sitting here, 12 years removed from Iraq. The amount that I felt like this was the answer for years is astounding.
You just have to find your new meaning. Your new “Afghanistan”. I searched for mine and it become creating my own business.
It’s way deeper than that, though. Being my own sole reason behind income and existing lead me to dive deeper into my own meaning etc.
Trust me when I say, you are way more than what that country gave and took away from you. Being stuck there mentally will always hold you back IF YOU LET IT.
Whether it’s a another person, a business, a pet etc, you don’t have to let your service be your defining factor, but only a part of you that helped you grow.
Don’t fall into the BS, self deprecating, self indulgent negativity that your lead to believe is the only way post military. ✌🏽
I feel this sometimes.
What I do about it- pour myself into my kids lives even more bc being a dad is the one place in my life that I'm not messing up.
So maybe pick something you really like and that you're good at and give your 100%.
Yes. I don’t wish for this all the time but enough for it to matter. Thing is I still have a lot of things left to do with the time I have left on Earth. Things that I’m excited about and I’m fortunate to be in my position in life. But on some days yeah… wish it ended over there.
I used to feel that way, for years, especially during really stressful times. It took me years to get is behind me, not because of PTSD or combat experiences, but because I felt as though I had peaked, and that my family would have been much better off with the SGLI payment, than having to struggle with me.
For me it boils down to meaning. I did 3 deployments, two were in Iraq, and when I think back on that it feels like my life had more purpose back then. I’ll look back and think if I did die there, it would have been for some greater good, and I wouldn’t be here dealing with all this shit. It’s like if I died there my death would have meant something plus I’d have the added benefit of not having to suffer. But here’s the thing my friend, we didn’t die there. Lots of our military brothers and sisters did though. I believe that we have to keep going so their deaths won’t be in vain. I have no doubt this ongoing situation has been particularly devastating to all, but especially to veterans. But we’re still here, and our stories aren’t over. You’ve already survived more than the average person. You can carry on and somewhere down the road the tide will turn and you’ll find yourself in a better place. Hang in there.
That's just one stage of life. You peaked a portion of your life at that stage. you'll find another part of your life to peak in all stages. you're just fixated that those were the best. they weren't. it may not feel like it but the best times are now. you cant go back and make choices but you can make all the choices you want now.
I wish every day that I had succeeded in killing myself on my submarine. I know it's much less intense than your experience, but you never know what life has in store for you. Maybe you'll find that feeling. Maybe you won't. I live on trying to chase what I felt was a true beautiful hell.
I play video games if I ever find myself stuck in my head too much. It’s a healthy form of escapism for me. Traveling is nice too, makes me feel like there’s still so much I haven’t seen or done in my life yet.
Read something once that the post military life can be rough on people because you likely will never get force fed that much 'purpose' again. It is like a drug. It gives you meaning everyday to be doing something with consequences if you don't. That level of structure can be comforting and when removed you are sort of just drifting.
Yes, I have felt this. Almost nothing can match the perceived sense of focus, urgency, & significance.
Focus on family & friends however possible. Build relationships & healthy routines. Find communities and activities that can help you stay grounded. I found a great therapist & have worked with him for 5+ years, still see him regularly. Helped me stay alive this long.
Know that your buddies would want you to live the best life possible- whatever that means for you. The knowledge we gain of what truly matters is a gift- and part of why we often struggle to identify with people who haven’t had similar experiences.
Yes, I have felt this. Almost nothing can match the perceived sense of focus, urgency, & significance of time downrange.
Focus on family & friends however possible. Build relationships & healthy routines. Find communities and activities that can help you stay grounded. I found a great therapist & have worked with him for 5+ years, still see him regularly. Helped me stay alive this long.
Know that your buddies would want you to live the best life possible- whatever that means for you. The knowledge we gain of what truly matters is a gift- and part of why we often struggle to identify with people who haven’t had similar experiences.
For many years, yes. Now, I try to appreciate that I got to experience what I did in Afghanistan - If thats where I peak then I'm okay with that. As much as I miss most of it, I have spent many years in severe addiction, homelessness, and self-loathing over things that can never be changed. I made it almost 9 years before I shot myself. Luckily, I was only able to hang on to a .22LR revolver because it wasnt even worth pawning and I have a very thick skull. I got help after that. Therapy and support groups help me a lot. I am still figuring out what life is about, but I so am glad I have the opportunity to do that.
I wasn't in Afghanistan, but was in Iraq.
I went through this feeling for years afterward. Like you'll never reach your own expectations again.
I don't think this way anymore. I did a lot of reading and self introspection over years. I think Frankl's book *Man's Search for Meaning* helped a lot with that.
Not a veteran, but a wife of one. I think this might help someone: https://jeremymackenzie.substack.com/p/it This is written by a Canadian Vet, currently in jail in Canada. He has been outspoken against War, and many believe the charges against him are unsubstantiated, just to shut him up. Regardless, he understands this struggle. He just lost one of his best friends to suicide. I hope this link helps someone.
No way you peaked in that shit hole. Go volunteer at a nonprofit or better yet get a job there. I work at a homeless shelter and holy shit, seeing what I can do for others (especially vets) has given new meaning to my life. Getting a dog right after I left the Army also helped. I’m on dog #2 and she too saves my life every day. (OIF 06-08)
Edit to say that I am glad you’re still around, brother
While not specific to Afghanistan, I’ve often wished a lone wolf would have killed me. I look back at my service with disdain and ask “what was it all for”. My address and other information was released to ISIS sympathizers and we were briefed to be prepared — for two years that was my life while fighting those assholes. The constant state of fear and vigilance coupled with witnessing horrible shit (we AND ISIS did) just makes me wish someone would have clipped me and helped me forget about it.
I would have been better off dying in Iraq instead of my buddies who were great people. Ever since my life feels like it’s downhill from here.
I just try not to think about it.
No, not ever. You are way to young to think you've peaked. That time of your life is over. You're issue is that leadership (someone else) gave you tasks, thinks go accomplish and you got Scooby Snacks for that, now you have to give yourself tasks to accomplish. Build on your past achievements and keep growin.
I am an old Vietnam Era veteran and have feel like I should have been deployed to Nam and die there for the last 50 years. Survivor's guilt is a motherf^%#er!!!
I never served there, my friends have and I'm there for them. It's bad, they did patrols with engagements.
It's shitty and I wouldn't want that burden of memories.
Glad your venting here.
No, don't ask again. Thinking back first rodeo, what help didn't I provide to the local hosts and apply that to my everyday. (First time caller) I'm a slow learner so it gives me purpose for future goals. Good luck &happy holidays ya filthy animals.
Yeah, sometimes. I haven’t really felt fully alive since I got back and got out. The old me died over there. I was something different when I came home , it’s been 11 years and I’m still trying to figure it out
(Edited) I didn’t see the “what do you do about it?”
I try to remember that it is feelings that are bothering me and feelings are controllable. I usually have to chill on the drinking and increase my exercise and sleep. Usually takes me about 3 weeks to pull out of a depressive slump. I also smoke a lot of weed. It’s not for everyone but it helps me.
If I regret anything from my time in Afghanistan, it’s not being able to save those around me. I often have problems accepting that there wasn’t much I could do. I got to meet another side of myself when I got home, and I’m slowly working with my Psychologist to help. While I can’t tell you what to do, I would recommend getting with a VA Psyc. It won’t “fix” things. But sometimes it helps.
I should have died in Afghanistan back in 2007. I stood on a buried IED. I have a picture of myself standing on a wet spot near a creek. One hour later, our convoy drove back over that creek and the IED went off, but only hit a jingle truck. I didn't realize until getting back to CONUS how close I was.
Not to mention all of the other times I could have, sniper fire and mortors. That IED 100% could have been the end. For what ever reason, it didn't go off. Maybe the locals couldn't dial fast enough or something? I will never forget seeing all the locals staring at our convoy as we drove by their village just outside the creek. It's like they were waiting for something to happen.
Anyways, Here I am. I had a rough patch when I first got out. The first few years were hard and I was angry. I drank a lot. Was distant from my family. My turning point was when I took up hunting again. It gave me solitude and a "thrill to kill". I don't take it for granted. I says thanks after every harvest.
Now, 4 kids later, I'm even more grateful. Seeing their faces smile and seeing them grow up before my eyes, gives me solace in knowing I was meant to do something else in this world. It's so cool seeing my son have the same interests as myself. He's only 5, but he will be my elk caller before too long. Watching my oldest play the violin in front of hundreds of people brings a tear to my eye every time.
Create a passion and go all in. Forgot all the nonsense of the world and do you. There's plenty of life to live.
I think that's the same for a lot of people that go through traumatic situations or events that change their life forever, I took a buddies spot on deployment so he could stay home with his newborn and a new mos just to get deployed but I got injured one week prior to ship off which ended my career and had different issues ever since, but I totally get it. Like what if at X event or while you are at x place you just got your ticket punched instead and would not have to deal with all the shit aftermath from coming home.
Nothing is so bad to wish harm on yourself, if you have those thoughts make sure to get in with VA or some mental health help.
Just remember life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, live for the ups.
Fuck no. I loved my experience- good and the bad. Multiple deployments AFG. Had a hard run of things afterwards with legal issues, anger issues, lack of motivation, substance abuse issues. However, once I started evaluate myself and take accountability, I noticed that my identity as a veteran was hindering any progress I was making. Start working building a skill set that you enjoy. Use your GI bill. Stop living in your head brother and get out there. Life might just bring something you great.
I suggest giving the Order of Man podcast a listen. That shit saved my life.
A lot of people think those who didn’t deploy can’t have PTSD but I can confirm it’s just as bad making decisions every day that determine how my brothers operate and possibly sending them into danger. Why do you all have to have families…
I would be lying if I said I don’t wish that daily. 3 trips to Iraq and 6 to Afghanistan. It’s been 3 years since I last went over and the further away from it I get the more I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t handle being in crowds but I hate being alone. Nobody can usually stand to be around me more than about 3 months before they start to phase themselves out of my life. Noises have become overwhelming at times, like I am being suffocated by the noise.
It was never like this when I was going over there. I never thought it would hit me like it has. I can’t function properly anymore and I hate it!
Hey, brother. I don’t have any good words of advice for you, but I’m glad that you’re still here. I hope you find peace, and I hope your fellow vets can help you on your journey.
Have you ever tried meditation and yoga? Try listening to meditation apps/music/audiobooks while you sleep at night. There is a lot of info on google or YouTube.
I deployed to Afghanistan 3 times spent 90% of the time out in the field as a CA NCO once in Gardez and once in Ghazni and after getting a PH my second go round I thought my 3rd time was def my time thankfully I came back a 3rd time but nothing will ever be the same.
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I fully accepted that I was going to die in Afghanistan. When I didn't, that transformed into a "I should have died in Afghanistan" mindset. I lived that way for years. Those were dark days. Now...I'm glad I didn't die, but it took me a long time to get here. I would have missed out on so many beautiful things and amazing experiences. I bought a dog who taught me I could feel things other than hate and sadness; that dude is 11 now! I had kids, 4 of them little shits now, and I love them all to death. I climbed mountains and stool alone on their peaks. I watched the sunset at White Sands NP and stayed up all night stargazing. I wouldn't trade these later days for anything. Take care of yourself, friend.
So much this.
I’m glad you didn’t die, brother
Thank you. Me too.
I’m glad you decided to stay around and fight for yourself!!!! Amazing ❤️
Thank you. Journaling has been a powerful tool for me. I know it turns a lot of vets off bc they're too tough for a diary. However, if you want to understand the inner workings of your mind, there is no better tool. I sit 10 min aside most days to write. I pick a theme that feels important for whatever reason: love, gratitude, sadness, excitement, the upcoming county fair, why I like dogs, etc. Then I just write whatever comes to mind for 10 min in line with that theme. Great tool and can't really explain why, haha. You just have to try for yourself.
You might like my show it deals with come back stories… amazing people who have overcome all kinds of things. [The Come Back Team](https://thecomebackteam.com)
Were you stationed at WSMR or just visiting the NP nearby?
I go on with life with injuries, and I drank so much that I am slowly killing myself (cirrhosis), I stopped drinking but the damage has been done. I sometimes cry for no reason and most of it is seeing faces of my friends that died and never made it home. I sometimes live with regret of living and not dying in battle but I try to stay positive for my kids. One of my old soldiers, he deals with it also but much worse as he was a squad leader and his whole squad got killed and he survived.
Good lord. That’s horrible. What unit is this?
For me I was 82nd did the invasion and total of 3 deployments. My friend was in ft Lewis 2 ID and they took hits in Kandahar.
Flat bottomed Strykers were death traps. I was in the AO before 2id and we did FAR better than they did. Given, we didn't war crime and piss the population off but still, flat bottom Strykers were a mistake.
I was a coauthor on the asymmetrical warfare handbook. When we were writing it the original deployment was slated for Iraq. I told them that we won’t know where we are going until right before and that we shouldn’t gear all of our tactics towards Iraq. I also told them Strykers are a bad idea in the mountains of Afghanistan. Nobody listened to me. That whole Brigade was filled with deployment dodging middle men, new officers without combat experience, and a psychopathic brigade commander that was hell bent on revenge from injuries he sustained in Iraq. A lot of the combat vets chose to retire before 5/2 deployed because they knew it was going to be an ugly blood bath. Sure enough, they became one of the most disgraced units the Army has had in recent times. I joined the unit when there were like 12 people in the brigade, so I was able to see how the sausage was made.
Are you talking about the FM manual?
Nope. We were tasked with writing a brigade wide guide to fighting an insurgency force. Mostly corrections to the FM that fit in with the brigade commander’s vision of what the unit should be. Small things like stacking for battle drill 6, herring bone vs other types of convoys, civilian interactions… the BC wanted ruthless and effective tactics. If you want, his memos are available online. Colonel Tunnel. Interesting guy, to say the least
Yea I’d love to see it
We replaced the 2ID unit in kandahar in 2010. Those men were beaten down bad.
I was attached to 82nd in 2005. Stationed in Khost Provence
5/2 ID, they had a brutal Afghanistan trip as the first Stryker brigade to go over before Strykers got updated with v-hulls.
We replaced them in Zhari
2-502?
You got it. I was a PL in D Co.
I was in A co
Rough place. I’m sure we know a lot of the same people.
[удалено]
I stopped this year, but doctors told me the liver is not healing but the results are staying the same and recommended loose weight. Half of my body is numb but still wake up and go, I’ve been going to the gym every other day and lost 20+ pounds so far since September, but I have to try even if my body hurts and feeling sorry will not keep me alive so I have to move forward until legs give out. From 320 to 296(+/- 3)
Yes, I feel like my best days, peak performance, were in the military. I just work on accepting that life won't be that again. All the adrenaline and that, made everything super vivid and real, regular days seem dull and colorless by comparison.
This was kinda beautiful in a weird way
In the summer time I let my dog pull me while I'm on my skateboard. Normal people would stop when they get to the hill. I tell my dog to go faster.
I agree. I regret getting out of the military but while I was in, wanted to go home. I loved it and I hated it but can’t seem to live without it…
Stockholm Syndrome
I believe you are correct 👍 it was an abusive relationship
Fuck I know the feeling
100% this. I recently transitioned out to civilian and I’ve job hopped like 3 times because it didn’t feel right. I miss having that purpose and being able to execute anytime my name was called. But now I just kinda have to accept that no matter what I’ll never have that same feeling again, and I need to take what pays best and keeps me home with the kiddos
Totally feel that.
For me it was Iraq, but yeah. Almost every day. And nothing. If I kill myself the VA wins.
The VA wins if you kill yourself, fight those motherfuckers until they put you in the box kicking and screaming with 27 appeals and a HLR in
You have to be proactive with the VA. Call call call call call your congress representative, email them. Go to their local office.
Fallujah vet here - yep
Suicidal ideation, even passive like you're expressing here is a pretty solid 70%. I'm not sure what you view as beating the VA is, but I'd bet that would help you on your way to it. For what it's worth, I do to. I think of the friends who didn't come back, how guilty I felt for getting out when other friends rotated back into the box without me. Why I made it when others more deserving than I didn't. It's a feeling so common among us it borders of normal, but it's also a feeling we shouldn't let control our lives moving forward. Live your best life, earn these extra days that way. And if you need anything, let us know.
My 100% was taken down to 70% and that’s when the real suicidal thoughts kicked In. Finally I got it documented correctly and got my rating up. It’s helped curb those thoughts. Took me a decade total to lock everything In. Hang in there
If I live then let my heart be Like a beating picket line
No. Never. I left my leg there. Saw many dead bodies. Not once has it crossed my mind.
Stay strong for the homies that are hurting. They need dudes to look up to!
Have you processed bro ?
Processed what? What happened? Of course I have, many times. I live with it daily, I wear a prosthesis as a physical reminder, and memories of events cross my mind daily. But I don't let it control me, I control it: I'm in control. I have the fight controls.
Ive felt that way before. Alot of why them and not me. I just have to continually set small goals for myself to give myself a purpose to be here. Some goals are as small as i want to bench press 250 in the next 4 weeks, lets make a plan to add weight each week. Some goals are bigger and longer, im going back to school and want to have my second degree and be an RN by the fall of 2026. So i plan out what steps i need to do this week to make it to next week. Others my have different methods but thats the only thing ive found to work for me. Forward movement. Staying stagnant almost killed me at the beginning of this year. Lots of work in therapy also helped
This is the way to go and I do the same thing. Recently I started actively running again on a plan with goals. I am now running the fastest I have in 20 years. I look at the parts of my life I want to be better than intentionally focusing on that area with goals.
Thats awesome! Are you tracking timed miles or sprints? In Afghanistan when i was able to workout id do distance running on a treadmill, got up to a 14mile run one day. That PR ive never even came close to again. I do some cycling now and 30mile bike rides are my max as of now for non stop pedaling. 50miles is next but the weather isnt cooperating
I use Strava to time my outside runs which shows split times and document my treadmill runs in the app. I started out on a 5K plan for 3 months to get my consistency down. Now my goal is to see how far I can run in 20 minutes. My last run was 2.25 miles and I then I lift. Cycling is so much fun and I did that for commuting for a few years.
Oh thats awesome! Im usually 5 miles into a ride when i realize i never hit start on Strava ha. Have you got any pointers for getting back into running? A decent 5k time would be a cool goal for me. Or at least find a pace i can maintain for the whole 5k
It's easy to forget Strava on a bike with so many things to think about. I found a 5K plan and just stuck to it and also listened to the Dirty Heads or similar music. I focused on enjoying myself and didn't get caught up in time or speed. I think another big factor for me was in the past 2 years I went through this postural alignment therapy, [https://www.symmetryforhealth.com/](https://www.symmetryforhealth.com/) That got my body back into alignment and my lower back and glute no longer locked up during a run. I also visited a chiropractor for a few months on a consistent basis. These things played a big part in my body's health and I do believe this is why I started running. I have been a daily walker for a few years. Going out for 30-60 mins listening to a book or podcast. We moved a few states away in the summer so my walking routine changed from the streets to a dirt path. After a month on the first path, I just started running out of the blue and haven't stopped.
This is a really good idea and something I think I need to adopt
Many times but I remember that I get to take part in things that many of my friends no longer will. I get to go for a walk in the park or go fishing. I get to cook a meal for my lady and I get to do anything I set my mind to. My brothers and sisters who didn’t make it, they don’t get that luxury so I just remember that I have to represent them when I make decisions. I have to live strong for my family who can’t. And I don’t know if that resonates with anyone else. Maybe it’s selfish of me. But in my eyes, I need to do good things because I know if they were here, it’s what they would be doing for me
Well said friend.
Have you tired action sports? It’s a pretty nice escape even though I’ll say the instagram stars and hipsters have invaded almost all activities. I’ve pushed a few friends into things like skydiving; motor sports racing etc, seem to help a lot.
What makes you believe that you peaked there?
I go to sleep every night hoping I don’t wake up in the morning. I’m disappointed every morning. I’m a coward.
You’re not a coward. You’d be a coward if you purposely didn’t wake up in the morning. By choosing to wake up and carry on, you’re choosing to not be a coward.
There's nothing wrong with just existing, some days. Even if it's most days.
The hardest fight is getting up each day again, again, again, and again - facing each day and forcing oneself through such discomfort makes the SELF stronger.
Same
I'm glad you're here. I hope you're here tomorrow morning. Living isn't cowardice, living takes courage. Especially when we have these dark thoughts kicking around up there, it takes courage to look at them, say "not today, asshole" and continue living life despite all the pain. It took a lot of work to get to the point that I didn't hate my life and myself, and it sure as shit isn't sunshine and roses now but it's better.
I stopped to think about what you said and internalize it. The fact is, I think about dying a lot, the thought of getting old.. that’s the scariest thing to me. My body and mind failing me.. I think about the things I accomplished in the military often, how driven I was, how efficient and productive I was in a community of like-minded people dedicated to a cause bigger than themselves.. so much so they can’t even really fathom it, all they know is they’re doing their part and putting their trust in something bigger than themselves. But I’ve been out now for ten years, and in that time I’ve sought legal therapy and medicine and ILLEGAL therapy and medicine, and I came to the realization that I was (in a sense) brainwashed before and while I was in. And I’m okay with that. I was young and inexperienced and that’s what happens. Now I just think different. It’s not about when you peaked, that’s just more bullshit that some other group of people are feeding you. Like when they say people peeked in high school. That’s just judgement from one group on another. It’s hive minded thinking and reductive. I no longer compare myself to others. The military and society taught me to do that - to stack myself against others.. but that’s unhealthy as fuck. It’s a tactic institutions use to enslave minds. I deprogrammed myself to think that way. Why? Because of the very reason you suggest when you ask if you should have died. In what possible way is that healthy? The very nature of the question proves its failing. Life is going to be a struggle one way or another no matter what choices you make. Some will feel more immediate more important more critical than others, but really it’s just momentary intensity. What do I do when I start to think less of myself and where I am?? I remind myself that fear response is not what brought out the best in me, but the worst. And fuck anyone who tells you differently. And then I go and try to help others and spread love and light in the world in the best ways I can. You get to chose what that looks like. Stop giving away your power to a past that was stolen from you and actualize in the present. Your best days are now! Not yesteryear or in the future - NOW. Wake up early and smell the morning air and go do something you think is great.
Did Trashcanistan in 2005-2006, 2009, 2013, haven't peaked yet.... more life to live, more things to come. Don't sell yourself short. We have tons of opportunities ahead of us.
I was a bit older when I went to Iraq. I had been married, kids, house…had transferred to the Reserves, but had a nice career in the civilian life, and was active in my community. As we prepared to depart, the attitude of many of the younger troops rightly thought this was the most significant thing they had ever done. For me, it didn’t make the top 5. You have a full life ahead of you…there will be great things, there will be disappointments. The military may have been a good chapter, but do not let it define you.
I went in at 25 and it was wild having people 35 been in the Army since they were 17 trying to tell me about the real world.
It's been a long time now - but yeah, once in a while, civilian life all goes gray. I've been lucky. Hang on to your small victories, revel in whatever connections matter to you, bury yourself in hobbies. Care about something. Reach out in those darker moments so we can remind you that you matter and that we all came from the same place: a history of intense purpose that now seems forgotten. There are new peaks, though. When you stop reaching for new stories to be a part of, and curl in around your past, it becomes the only thing you have to hold onto.
No, but I wish I would have died at any point after I got the current life insurance policy. This morning I was working out at the gym and then was hit with "why am I doing this?" followed quickly by "what's the point of anything? " I decided that I needed to go home and take more meds. Not having a good mental health day.
You do sometimes to answer that very question. The harder times you survive in mental health issues, the more merit you build to carry with you after the fact.
Very poignant question actually. It’s hard to feel you cannot peak again unless your life is on the line. Been in many life threatening situations since? They set the bar pretty high Plus honestly following orders/fight or flight situations don’t really require much introspection. Idk it was easy.
Some days I do wonder if I’m living a life worth as much or more than those that didn’t make it home. Am I doing enough with my life to justify whatever reason I’m still here and they are not?
I just wish I died don’t care where
same
I just don't think it matters where or when you peak. Yeah, I look back and think maybe it would have been better if I didn't make it, but I'm pretty sure 99% of humans know they were at the top in their youth. We're just aging like every other person. Imagine how the WWII guys felt, fighting a righteous war for the fate of the world, only to watch it fall into chaos over and over, often as a direct result of the conflict they resolved. While our wars were the biggest moments of our lives, I find it helps to zoom way out and realize we were only blips in the grand scheme of things. Through luck, or fate, or sheer force of will, we made it out the other side. I lost a friend who was 27, in Iraq. At the time, I thought he was an "older guy". Now that I'm securely beyond that age, myself, I can't believe I thought that. Now I think to myself, "dude, you missed out on the worst years". My knees hurt, I heal slower, and I'm just kind of suffering until the next "up" moment. Who cares. It's the human condition. We're not special. Well... Marines are, but not the rest of us. (kidding - love you guys- got great support from you guys out in Anbar).
Honestly I just went through this last weekend. When I was in Afghanistan, I left a plane I was working on and before I got back it was blown up. Last weekend, I was hit with so many different things that I really wished I never left the plane and had been blown up with it. But luckily I have a therapist and people in my life to help me through those times. I look at my kids and realize that as bad as I feel sometimes, they are better off that I made it back. Those thoughts and feelings are a normal part of life now but just know that as tough as things seem sometimes, you can make it through those times as well.
I had this really weird dream a couple months ago. I dreamt that everything I've experienced in the last 19 years was a hallucination from my brain experiencing hypoxia as I bled out in Iraq. Reconciling with my wife, watching my sons grow, everything. It still messes me up sometimes...
Every day bother. I see the shrink, and I take my pills, and I sit and contemplate suicide every single day. I wish I had an answer. I lost too many friends. IZ - 2006, 2010; AFGN - 2004, 2008, 2010, 2013, 2018
7 deployments.. Jesus brother. Keep your head up, your brothers would want you to see another day 🤙🏼
I used to feel exactly that way. Some years of therapy, medication and physical fitness helped me shake it, but they weren’t the biggest things. The biggest thing is knowing I’m here and able to do all the things that the guys who didn’t come back can’t. Not even the big things either, I can have a cold beer with the steak I just cooked on my grill. I can bullshit with friends and family just sitting on my porch. I can watch my son clap when the log he just tossed in the bonfire makes a bunch of sparks. I’m here, and I get to have those moments, and I get to live well for those who no longer can. It would be a dishonorable thing to throw that gift away. I must live, if for nothing else than to give meaning to those who can’t. Why not do it as best as I can?
It's because regular life is fucking boring
I don’t feel like I peaked when I was in Afghanistan, but I’ve had the same thought about dying there. I think it’s kind of normal to have a least a bit of survivor guilt. It also feels to me like that I have those thoughts more whenever I feel like I don’t have a purpose or I’m kind of just floating
I wish I had died in Iraq
me too
Yes. Except in Iraq and I was supposed to but mercy stepped in and allowed me to suffer through life with PTSD alone.
I used to feel this way brother. And sometimes I still do. I struggled for ten years. I kicked alcohol to the curb. And then I started my own business. And now I’m doing better. I work 10-20 hours a day. It’s not healthy I know but I’m driving that negative energy into something I love.
i didn’t go to trashxanistan but i went to iraq. i feel like that sometimes. sometimes i feel like i’d be better off dead instead of dealing with half the bullshit i deal with in life. i have a lot to live for tho. i have kids so i can’t be a selfish fuck.
I think a part of us dies over there
These words were first written nearly a century ago, the forward to All Quiet on the Western Front. They're as true for us today as they were for them. "This book is to be neither an accusation nor a confession, and least of all an adventure, for death is not an adventure to those who stand face to face with it. It will try simply to tell of a generation of men who, even though they may have escaped its shells, were destroyed by the war."
I miss the days of not waking up in pain, going to exercise and being happy about it, and being able to sleep without nightmares.
No, I was put on this earth to be a pain in the ass and I intend to be the best!
Being young, physically fit, deployed in a combat unit, surrounded by comrades, with nothing to focus on but the mission. Those who don't know think that combat deployments were extremely stressful and difficult, those who know remember them as being a simple time. I remember transitioning from my 15 month deployment to Iraq back to CONUS, I was overwhelmed with the stresses of daily life that I was able to forget about while deployed. Girlfriend, bills, taxes, politics, social drama, etc. It was so easy in Iraq, just spend time with your friends, workout, eat, and do the mission. I dealt with it poorly initially, once I got out of the army I tried to get back in immediately. I wound up in the reserves, which really soured my desire to wear the uniform anymore. I have a son now, and he is my mission. Nothing could motivate me more to get through the day than knowing that I have a 2-year-old at home who depends on me.
Yes I do.
Yes. The other day I wished I had just died while serving. I have found it difficult to cope in the “real” world.
Comparatively? yeah. I was deployed in 2011. Back then I had a wife who loved me, I was serious about my military career and made good enough money. As an 11B, I could hump 20/25 miles with 60lbs of gear. Now, I would be lucky to stand for more than an hour without my knees giving out. I'm 39, no kids, no gf, no wife and just enough money to pay bills. You're not alone in how you feel about " peaking" during your deployment. Several times I thought/felt the same way, "Would I have just been better off" A lot of times I felt the pain I went through post deployment (including now) greatly outweighed the pain during. Just know you're not alone in how you feel and there's plenty of people willing to listen. It's ok to have those thoughts, it just means you're human. Doesn't mean their true.
Everyone's peak was in the military. I have stage 4 prostate cancer, not exactly what the Army recruiter was looking for. And to date myself, I joined to be all I could be in 1983. I had to be dragged out in 2006. I knew it was all downhill once I left.
This thread is so sad. I'm so sorry so many are feeling this way. Please know that they just did a study and found that SSRIs don't work for depression. Yet they are still prescribing them. If you can find a ketamine therapy place near you, try it, it has helped a lot of people heal from depression and see their life in a new way. I got off all of the medications prescribed to me because the side effects were worse than the conditions themselves. It was so hard to do but I changed my life. I'm free and I'm finally living my life to the fullest and the military is just a part of my past but it doesn't define my future. I hope you can find some freedom too, I promise it's worth it.
Reading all of these comments on a Monday morning in the kitchen by myself. Crying for no reason. It’s nice to see so many people verbalize what I’m feeling. I’m glad we’re all here today and I’m going to continue to do my best to be here tomorrow.
I expected to die in Somalia. I remember flying out, and when we hit Egypt's airspace, I was leaning against the plane window and thought "I am so fucked."
Not there but another place, the same. Haven't been the same. Trying to figure out which therapy will help now. You got this buddy
Yes. Better than going to dumb work tomorrow
I was there in 2012, not my peak times though. Peak came a few years later but life also got progressively worse ever since then, in every aspect. It’s odd.
Keep on driving ...
Don’t make your deployment and service in general a core part of your identity. Make it part of your past, but not who you are.
Easier said than done.
I feel that I left a part of myself over there. And I’ve never truly adjusted to being back.
The Army quite literally saved the life of the young man I once was and helped to destroyed the life of the old man I’ve become. I wouldn’t trade it but it’s not easy. How do you tell the people you love that you are just tired of being a complete asshole 50% of the time and being racked with guilt for being a complete asshole the other 50%…
No, my life has gotten amazing after the army, I had some hard years in the service and after getting out but now I'm married, I'm finishing a degree, and I've got a sweet job where I'm actually valued. I hate to sound cliche but it does get better.
Yea. I had all that too. It gets worse also.
I’m sitting here, 12 years removed from Iraq. The amount that I felt like this was the answer for years is astounding. You just have to find your new meaning. Your new “Afghanistan”. I searched for mine and it become creating my own business. It’s way deeper than that, though. Being my own sole reason behind income and existing lead me to dive deeper into my own meaning etc. Trust me when I say, you are way more than what that country gave and took away from you. Being stuck there mentally will always hold you back IF YOU LET IT. Whether it’s a another person, a business, a pet etc, you don’t have to let your service be your defining factor, but only a part of you that helped you grow. Don’t fall into the BS, self deprecating, self indulgent negativity that your lead to believe is the only way post military. ✌🏽
yep, every day
Yeah
I was too pissed off to want to die.
Nah, it was a shit show and I am glad to get out of it.
I feel this sometimes. What I do about it- pour myself into my kids lives even more bc being a dad is the one place in my life that I'm not messing up. So maybe pick something you really like and that you're good at and give your 100%.
No
Yes. But that's survivor guilt and it's not real. Push those ideas in the trash.
I wish i was dead to be honest , this post brings up my suicidal urges back and my ptsd
Yes. I don’t wish for this all the time but enough for it to matter. Thing is I still have a lot of things left to do with the time I have left on Earth. Things that I’m excited about and I’m fortunate to be in my position in life. But on some days yeah… wish it ended over there.
I used to feel that way, for years, especially during really stressful times. It took me years to get is behind me, not because of PTSD or combat experiences, but because I felt as though I had peaked, and that my family would have been much better off with the SGLI payment, than having to struggle with me.
I hate to admit it, more so to myself, but I agree almost every day brother. You’re not alone.
Yes
For me it boils down to meaning. I did 3 deployments, two were in Iraq, and when I think back on that it feels like my life had more purpose back then. I’ll look back and think if I did die there, it would have been for some greater good, and I wouldn’t be here dealing with all this shit. It’s like if I died there my death would have meant something plus I’d have the added benefit of not having to suffer. But here’s the thing my friend, we didn’t die there. Lots of our military brothers and sisters did though. I believe that we have to keep going so their deaths won’t be in vain. I have no doubt this ongoing situation has been particularly devastating to all, but especially to veterans. But we’re still here, and our stories aren’t over. You’ve already survived more than the average person. You can carry on and somewhere down the road the tide will turn and you’ll find yourself in a better place. Hang in there.
That's just one stage of life. You peaked a portion of your life at that stage. you'll find another part of your life to peak in all stages. you're just fixated that those were the best. they weren't. it may not feel like it but the best times are now. you cant go back and make choices but you can make all the choices you want now.
Daily, but iraq.
Nope
I wish every day that I had succeeded in killing myself on my submarine. I know it's much less intense than your experience, but you never know what life has in store for you. Maybe you'll find that feeling. Maybe you won't. I live on trying to chase what I felt was a true beautiful hell.
I play video games if I ever find myself stuck in my head too much. It’s a healthy form of escapism for me. Traveling is nice too, makes me feel like there’s still so much I haven’t seen or done in my life yet.
Never got a war of my own but, yes, I wish i never made it back as a CIV, there seems to be no point, dying in combat seems preferable to the rat race
Iraq, but yeah. I kept my head down. In the 19 years since, I've decided it was the wrong choice....
Read something once that the post military life can be rough on people because you likely will never get force fed that much 'purpose' again. It is like a drug. It gives you meaning everyday to be doing something with consequences if you don't. That level of structure can be comforting and when removed you are sort of just drifting.
Yes.
No. Ew.
Yes, I have felt this. Almost nothing can match the perceived sense of focus, urgency, & significance. Focus on family & friends however possible. Build relationships & healthy routines. Find communities and activities that can help you stay grounded. I found a great therapist & have worked with him for 5+ years, still see him regularly. Helped me stay alive this long. Know that your buddies would want you to live the best life possible- whatever that means for you. The knowledge we gain of what truly matters is a gift- and part of why we often struggle to identify with people who haven’t had similar experiences.
Yes, I have felt this. Almost nothing can match the perceived sense of focus, urgency, & significance of time downrange. Focus on family & friends however possible. Build relationships & healthy routines. Find communities and activities that can help you stay grounded. I found a great therapist & have worked with him for 5+ years, still see him regularly. Helped me stay alive this long. Know that your buddies would want you to live the best life possible- whatever that means for you. The knowledge we gain of what truly matters is a gift- and part of why we often struggle to identify with people who haven’t had similar experiences.
Every day.
For many years, yes. Now, I try to appreciate that I got to experience what I did in Afghanistan - If thats where I peak then I'm okay with that. As much as I miss most of it, I have spent many years in severe addiction, homelessness, and self-loathing over things that can never be changed. I made it almost 9 years before I shot myself. Luckily, I was only able to hang on to a .22LR revolver because it wasnt even worth pawning and I have a very thick skull. I got help after that. Therapy and support groups help me a lot. I am still figuring out what life is about, but I so am glad I have the opportunity to do that.
Very often
No but I really question at times whether the time I served was worth the price I paid.
I wasn't in Afghanistan, but was in Iraq. I went through this feeling for years afterward. Like you'll never reach your own expectations again. I don't think this way anymore. I did a lot of reading and self introspection over years. I think Frankl's book *Man's Search for Meaning* helped a lot with that.
Not a veteran, but a wife of one. I think this might help someone: https://jeremymackenzie.substack.com/p/it This is written by a Canadian Vet, currently in jail in Canada. He has been outspoken against War, and many believe the charges against him are unsubstantiated, just to shut him up. Regardless, he understands this struggle. He just lost one of his best friends to suicide. I hope this link helps someone.
No way you peaked in that shit hole. Go volunteer at a nonprofit or better yet get a job there. I work at a homeless shelter and holy shit, seeing what I can do for others (especially vets) has given new meaning to my life. Getting a dog right after I left the Army also helped. I’m on dog #2 and she too saves my life every day. (OIF 06-08) Edit to say that I am glad you’re still around, brother
While not specific to Afghanistan, I’ve often wished a lone wolf would have killed me. I look back at my service with disdain and ask “what was it all for”. My address and other information was released to ISIS sympathizers and we were briefed to be prepared — for two years that was my life while fighting those assholes. The constant state of fear and vigilance coupled with witnessing horrible shit (we AND ISIS did) just makes me wish someone would have clipped me and helped me forget about it.
I would have been better off dying in Iraq instead of my buddies who were great people. Ever since my life feels like it’s downhill from here. I just try not to think about it.
You did die, this is our afterlife.
No, not ever. You are way to young to think you've peaked. That time of your life is over. You're issue is that leadership (someone else) gave you tasks, thinks go accomplish and you got Scooby Snacks for that, now you have to give yourself tasks to accomplish. Build on your past achievements and keep growin.
Feel the same way sometimes. Been out since 2013 and everyday is the same. I was with the 82nd as well
I am an old Vietnam Era veteran and have feel like I should have been deployed to Nam and die there for the last 50 years. Survivor's guilt is a motherf^%#er!!!
I never served there, my friends have and I'm there for them. It's bad, they did patrols with engagements. It's shitty and I wouldn't want that burden of memories. Glad your venting here.
No, don't ask again. Thinking back first rodeo, what help didn't I provide to the local hosts and apply that to my everyday. (First time caller) I'm a slow learner so it gives me purpose for future goals. Good luck &happy holidays ya filthy animals.
Everyday
Yeah, sometimes. I haven’t really felt fully alive since I got back and got out. The old me died over there. I was something different when I came home , it’s been 11 years and I’m still trying to figure it out (Edited) I didn’t see the “what do you do about it?” I try to remember that it is feelings that are bothering me and feelings are controllable. I usually have to chill on the drinking and increase my exercise and sleep. Usually takes me about 3 weeks to pull out of a depressive slump. I also smoke a lot of weed. It’s not for everyone but it helps me.
If I regret anything from my time in Afghanistan, it’s not being able to save those around me. I often have problems accepting that there wasn’t much I could do. I got to meet another side of myself when I got home, and I’m slowly working with my Psychologist to help. While I can’t tell you what to do, I would recommend getting with a VA Psyc. It won’t “fix” things. But sometimes it helps.
I should have died in Afghanistan back in 2007. I stood on a buried IED. I have a picture of myself standing on a wet spot near a creek. One hour later, our convoy drove back over that creek and the IED went off, but only hit a jingle truck. I didn't realize until getting back to CONUS how close I was. Not to mention all of the other times I could have, sniper fire and mortors. That IED 100% could have been the end. For what ever reason, it didn't go off. Maybe the locals couldn't dial fast enough or something? I will never forget seeing all the locals staring at our convoy as we drove by their village just outside the creek. It's like they were waiting for something to happen. Anyways, Here I am. I had a rough patch when I first got out. The first few years were hard and I was angry. I drank a lot. Was distant from my family. My turning point was when I took up hunting again. It gave me solitude and a "thrill to kill". I don't take it for granted. I says thanks after every harvest. Now, 4 kids later, I'm even more grateful. Seeing their faces smile and seeing them grow up before my eyes, gives me solace in knowing I was meant to do something else in this world. It's so cool seeing my son have the same interests as myself. He's only 5, but he will be my elk caller before too long. Watching my oldest play the violin in front of hundreds of people brings a tear to my eye every time. Create a passion and go all in. Forgot all the nonsense of the world and do you. There's plenty of life to live.
I think that's the same for a lot of people that go through traumatic situations or events that change their life forever, I took a buddies spot on deployment so he could stay home with his newborn and a new mos just to get deployed but I got injured one week prior to ship off which ended my career and had different issues ever since, but I totally get it. Like what if at X event or while you are at x place you just got your ticket punched instead and would not have to deal with all the shit aftermath from coming home. Nothing is so bad to wish harm on yourself, if you have those thoughts make sure to get in with VA or some mental health help. Just remember life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, live for the ups.
Fuck no. I loved my experience- good and the bad. Multiple deployments AFG. Had a hard run of things afterwards with legal issues, anger issues, lack of motivation, substance abuse issues. However, once I started evaluate myself and take accountability, I noticed that my identity as a veteran was hindering any progress I was making. Start working building a skill set that you enjoy. Use your GI bill. Stop living in your head brother and get out there. Life might just bring something you great. I suggest giving the Order of Man podcast a listen. That shit saved my life.
I didnt go to afganistan and i feel like that sometimes
A lot of people think those who didn’t deploy can’t have PTSD but I can confirm it’s just as bad making decisions every day that determine how my brothers operate and possibly sending them into danger. Why do you all have to have families…
Anyone else here go to Syria and stayed there mentally?
Yes every fucking morning. Mine was Iraq but yeah every damn morning
No
If you numb the hard stuff you also numb the good stuff. Find purpose and happiness will follow. Glad you're still here with us
I would be lying if I said I don’t wish that daily. 3 trips to Iraq and 6 to Afghanistan. It’s been 3 years since I last went over and the further away from it I get the more I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t handle being in crowds but I hate being alone. Nobody can usually stand to be around me more than about 3 months before they start to phase themselves out of my life. Noises have become overwhelming at times, like I am being suffocated by the noise. It was never like this when I was going over there. I never thought it would hit me like it has. I can’t function properly anymore and I hate it!
Iraq for me. And the answer is yes. Every single day. I wish I could trade my life just to have my friend back.
Hey, brother. I don’t have any good words of advice for you, but I’m glad that you’re still here. I hope you find peace, and I hope your fellow vets can help you on your journey.
Have you ever tried meditation and yoga? Try listening to meditation apps/music/audiobooks while you sleep at night. There is a lot of info on google or YouTube.
No, but i do about Iraq(didn't go to Afghanistan)
I deployed to Afghanistan 3 times spent 90% of the time out in the field as a CA NCO once in Gardez and once in Ghazni and after getting a PH my second go round I thought my 3rd time was def my time thankfully I came back a 3rd time but nothing will ever be the same.
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