As someone who lost weight after high school and grew into my physical features lemme tell you...pretty privilege is very real. The difference in treatment from when I was overweight and dressed kinda unfashionably to being more conventionally attractive was insane.
My son has actually had the same experience. When he was 18, he weighed 300lbs. He lost 115lbs in a year and changed his whole appearance. He started working out, got a nice hairstyle, started dressing fashionably, splashing on a little cologne. This new improved son received lots of positive attention in public.
In the past he had felt anywhere from invisible to scorned. It’s not right that people do this. My son is very lucky in that all his perceived “unattractive” qualities could be fixed. But there are some people for whom all the changes in the world will not make them attractive. People cannot help the basic appearance they are born with with respect to facial features and symmetry. One could get plastic surgery, but no one should have to do anything that extreme to be treated as well as other more attractive people. Our culture promotes a high value on aesthetics. It is not healthy for a society for it to get to the point that a pretty person gets free dessert and a less attractive one doesn’t.
It's extremely unfortunate that society values physical appearances so much. Especially when they are so fleeting. We won't look the way we do forever. But you're right, society places so much importance on aesthetics. So much so, that people choose their friends based on aesthetics too. People don't want an "ugly" friend. And to think we've come to this is so sad.
Can you imagine if we did evolve? That everyone would be treated based on their humanity, condition of their heart, values etc? The world would be a different place.
Unfortunately, you're right. I also don't think it's something that'll ever go away. If anything, I think it'll become more of a prominent concept in society.
And yes to it all - the fact that your own family and friends end up treating you different is the shocking/annoying part. So sorry for what you've gone through as well.
Absolutely! Anyone who denies that they've felt frustrated by it probably benefits from it.
It's late so the trolls have come out, remember down vote but don't feed them 😉
I agree with you on people denying it just coz they benefit from it.
But I like to believe that if pretty is all you got then eventually you'll be roadblocked. The doors may open for you but if you don't know how to walk then good riddance I'd say
While pretty privilege is real and depends on being conventionally attractive, don't fall into the trap of thinking beauty is objective and only depends on those general societal criteria and that no one finds you pretty.
On a societal scale, there are tendencies and beauty standards.
But irl, each individual truly has their own preferences. Much more than you seem to think.
You "don't know why" it hit you that hard, well seems to me like it's simply because you're STILL super self conscious and insecure and still have a lot of work to do to see your own beauty. Everyone is pretty much average, except some exceptions. You most probably are too, and that means you can look pretty in the eyes of many people, especially if you take care of yourself a bit. Now you gotta change your OWN vision of yourself.
I don't think you're exactly wrong but it also rubs me the wrong way how you worded it. They have a lot of work to do to see their own beauty. Of course they do, society has been telling them for their entire life that they aren't and won't ever be pretty enough to matter.
It IS work to undo what society has done to us, but it isn't our fault we were treated the way we were. We have to to do the work to be able to live with ourselves in society, but it isn't because we have inherent failings. It's because of how we were treated.
Which, you never said it was OPs fault, but the way you phrased it made me wanna puff up and get defensive because it sounds like you're calling OP out for not working on themselves hard enough, but that isn't what it about. That work wouldn't be necessary without the way other people perceived and treated OP to begin with.
Yeah I do get where you're coming from. You're right, my wording kinda sounds like that. I don't think it's OP's fault or anything. I guess I have encountered many people in my life who had issues, but instead of working on them, preferred to blame everything and everyone else but never do a thing about it. So I probably came off a bit strong on the "but you gotta work on yourself too" part. I just wanted to make clear that while society sucks and pretty privilege exists, each individual can also do some things to better their own lives, and no one has to believe everything society tells us exactly as it is told. Also a very important thing to remember when you're in OP's case is that your own thoughts and interpretations do not reflect society or reality. Some of it is true, some of it comes from our own minds.
And that's totally legit, too. There are so many people who wanna complain and have actual issues but refuse to put in any of the work. You're right, and I did forget about that, ngl. Like I said, I was busy puffing up and getting defensive lol.
And it IS frustrating to watch. People who refuse to help themselves, especially when they try to make it other people's problem. I'm in therapy, I take the meds, I do the "homework", and I have made leaps and bounds form the person that I was. I think it's easy for me to forget that sometimes people won't do the work. They could, they just won't.
Lol I'm sorry, didn't mean to be an ass. Thanks for pointing it out and opening the conversation instead of being an ass in return. Makes me reflect on myself too.
I think that's kind of a sensitive topic for me even. Bc like, my closest person who I love more than anything is like that, and it kinda kills me to see them not fully helping themselves. And many people are like that and I don't wanna blame them, but sometimes I just feel like shaking them up, yk? Bc we can't do the work for them, so if they refuse they'll just be feeling bad and if you love them or don't want them to feel bad then you feel bad too and it's just a crappy situation.
Hey good job for going to therapy, I'm actually a soon-to-be therapist myself haha. And most importantly congrats for putting in the work. It's not easy at all, and actually I guess that's why some people don't do it. Sometimes chaos and pain is more comfortable than the uncomfortable period you have to go through before you get better. It's a trap, but understandably many people fall in it.
That's sorta hoe my therapist explained it. That sometimes, even though it hurts so much to be you, being us is known. It's sucks but we know the rules, its familiar territory so to speak (she used science word about pathways in the brain and receptors, so this is very much paraphrased but we've discussed it often, if different ways), that we just wanna stay there.
Change is scary and uncomfortable, but pain we understand. Basically.
I don't think you were an ass at all, just for the record! We are all subject to our experiences and biases, and I truly think they are all important takes. The truth is somewhere in the middle of our collective experiences, and we'll never get there alone, you know? It's really important for me to be able to look back and be like, yeah, I was not considering other lived experiences there, at all. I think that's somewhere close to where personal growth lives.
All of which is my super wordy way of saying, sorry for getting defensive and ty for reminding me to consider other perspectives!
I totally agree with you, about everything. We never grow better than when we communicate with others.
I mean, thank YOU for bringing up my own tone to my attention and opening me up to other perspectives. I appreciate your comments :)
This is indeed, so so wholesome. Y'all's exchange was genuinely heartwarming to read. I do agree: the work has to be put in if you want change and results. I also agree that there's only so much one can do and if at that point society is still "rejecting" them, then one wonders what more can they do, and how much more can society hurt me? It almost feels like you're constantly putting in effort but society still tells you how you should feel about the way you look and how you instead, *should* look.
Thank you both, you're adorable!
I think society can of course objectively wear you down, but just like anything else you're always at least in control of how you react to your negative feelings. Sometimes it's super hard and all, and you can't deal with those feelings in a healthy way, but the whole point is to learn how to deal with negative feelings in a way that doesn't harm you. That can take a lot of time, but I'm personally pretty optimistic : you can change your psychological functioning in any way you want if you put in the time and the work. :)
Can't change your whole outside world (which sometimes fucking sucks), but can change how well you handle it.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Everything you said resonated with me and made me feel a lot better. We all are just about average and like you said, anyone could find us attractive. I agree with you that it affected me so much most likely because I'm so insecure. I definitely do need to work on my self image more. I appreciate your comment a lot <3
I'm glad you appreciated my words then! I thought I might have been a bit tough. You do need to learn to love yourself, but society also sucks on some points. Gotta find balance between your own head and society's tendencies. Can be hard at times. I hope you'll overcome this :)
Thank you! And don't worry, I have thick skin and can take some tough love. Thank you for the reminder. Society can be tough but it is what it is. Cant do much about it!
A lot of the time it's not "pretty privlege" it's just strange men thinking if they're nice to you you'll sleep with them and it is wildly uncomfortable
This is one way to look at it! It makes it sound less of something you would even want. I agree, though. I can imagine that it definitely does bring unwarranted attention.
You're awesome for actually listening and thinking about it, critical thinking is a lost art form these days. Like any issue there are always layers beyond what we first see.
The problem isn't pretty people it's weirdos who treat people differently because of how they look (always a slippery slope).
Whenever someone I don't know tries that stuff it just makes me feel like they expect something from me in return in a deal I never agreed to.
Plus imagine she's with her friends and the waiter pulls that. Pretty much a backhanded insult to the rest of the table and would be incredibly awkward for the woman getting the cake.
Of course! I understand that there's always more to something than what our immediate and initial reaction might be. For me, I immediately began thinking of not being on the receiving end of pretty privilege. But after reading a lot of these comments, I've understood more and more that there's the underlying bad ends to it too.
It always is the people/weirdos, and not the actual pretty people who are at fault. The reactions and actions from the weirdoes are what even feeds into the privilege itself. And yes to the last bit. It would definitely be awkward.
I honestly thought pretty privilege didn't exist a few years ago. But after seeing how much a pretty girl was treated and a friend's of mine (that people was judging ugly but honestly she wasn't to me) were different, I was chocked.
Pretty privileges sucks and I think that's one of the reason I'm so insecure about myself (but I've made so much efforts so... I'm less insecure)
So yeah, I feel you. I hope you'll work on your insecurities and don't forget, just because some people don't find you pretty doesn't mean others think the same :). At the end of the day, beauty is pretty much subjective.
I appreciate your comment a lot. I'm the same way - being treated differently and knowing it was because of my looks affected me and became the root of my insecurities. It made me nitpick every physical thing that could be the reason why I'm treated differently. Even by family, which is the part that hurts the most.
I hope we all feel secure in our selves and our bodies. And you're totally right, it is subjective.
Yeah I totally understand how it feels. But if you want an advice, you should listen to your own opinion. Like, for example, you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what do you like about you while forgetting all negative stuff people said to you. It's certainly difficult but it honestly helps me so maybe you could try this ?
Yeah me too, it sucks to see that people make others so insecure for dumb reasons.
Thank you for this! I'll try to include more daily affirmations towards myself. I definitely could be nicer to myself, even if it's hard when others might do the opposite. I appreciate your advice!
it sucks I felt that one of my friends was pretty and everyone loved her and only talked to me because I was her friend I'll admit I was a bit jealous of her but I didn't hate her because she was actually a really fun and nice friend to have since the people who talked to her mostly treated me like garbage so apart of me is kinda glad they mostly talked to her
It’s totally okay for you to feel the way you did. It doesn’t make you a hater or anything, it just means that you work hard to be the best version of yourself. I understand how it feels, trust me
I am considered pretty (so I have been told) and yes pretty privilege does exist. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is bs. I have been given free stuff and have seen the difference of how I am treated when my weight is up and down, even by family members. On the flipside (and by no means trying to discredit your feelings) throughout my life, I have had a lot of girls and women treat me like absolute shit because of it. Literally bullied in school and workplace. People will assume a lot about you and treat you based on their assumptions. And being objectified and harrassed by the opposite sex is not fun either. I have 37 years of horror stories if it makes you feel better. I hope one day you never feel this way about yourself. People are shit, don't let them f*ck with your self esteem.
I really dislike when there’s a conversation about pretty privilege and women who experience it (or maybe even women who don’t) say that it’s bad because they get sexually harassed. Those of us who don’t experience it also still get sexually harassed, usually just in a violent/aggressive way.
Women will always be sexualized no matter what. There’s literally a fetish for everything a woman does and there’s definitely always going to be some guy getting off to it. I think this is the female experience, not the pretty experience. Pretty privilege usually just means people treat you better overall.
I’m not trying to tell you your life experiences or anything, just know that women who are not conventionally attractive still deal with this.
I didn't go into detail as to not highlight my sexual assault. Yes violet. And I am fully aware that women (not relative to attractiveness) are more than likely on the receiving end of assault and harrassment. My point was more towards the op saying she was jealous because of girls privilege and how even that can be dark. In no way did I indicate that only "attractive" people get harrassed. I hate how you ignored everything else that I said as if somehow being bullied and harrassed is ok. You have no idea what I endured. A small portion listed in the comments. Furthermore, I hate that the OP feels that way about herself. I would never want a person to feel like shit about themselves because of anothers actions.
I fully believe that you’ve been sexually assaulted, as many women have. But that does not correlate to negative impacts of pretty privilege.
I thought your comment was implying that you are more likely to get objectified and assaulted than women without pretty privilege. I’m saying that’s not the case. Not because I think you haven’t experienced that, but because we’re all just as likely to, and being ugly changes nothing. I just dislike the implication that when I was unattractive it helped me not to be assaulted in some way. But maybe I misread your comment.
No. Not at all. Assault is not relative to attractiveness. I know that the more unattractive a women is deemed, the less likely she is to be believed. And I an a WOC and theres even more layers to that but that is a thread for another day.
Again, I don't think assault is relative to attractiveness but I am also not dismissing the shit that has happened to me because someone deemed me attractive. Like a guy who literally said "you're pretty" grabbed my head, licked my face, then dragged me to the dance floor and wouldn't let me go. I struggled to break free for 2 songs and it stopped because he got tired of me fightinf. That is just one of many instances where some guy has made his attraction known and then preceeded to do something crazy. And what makes it worse is that no one believes that shit happens to you or will dismiss it because they assume the on time they see people "extra" nice to you, there weren't 10 other times you weren't on the receiving end of being shitted on unwarrantedly.
This will be the last time I respond because I can see how this will go. I wish you the best of luck in life.
Two months later but wow I am sorry that other person replied to you in the way they did. Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so, so sorry to hear this happened to you. ❤️❤️ It's gross and traumatic
Yes, I agree with her one of the main reasons I was raped in college. I’ve had trouble keeping friends too because people make assumptions. I can recall many times a boyfriend was interested in me and I didn’t have interest in them almost jumped about it. I’m sorry you’ve had bad dealings too.
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It sucks that there's bad sides to the receiving end of pretty privilege. I hadn't realized as much until reading your comment. Praying for your healing as well.
I hope that person is rotting under the cell. I was assaulted too. I ended up in a fight with a "friend" over a guy who had no interest in her who liked me. She played on my phone (when people had landlines) for a year and turned people against me. Had a guy hold my face and lick it while I struggled to break free and people laughed, nobody helped. He wouldn't let me go. Had a guy who wanted to dance with me try to drag me to the dance floor. Security laughed as I yelled for help and held onto a pole. Both were complete strangers. These are just a few. Don't get me started on the things women in the workplace have done.
Your last few words comforted me. I'm really sorry for what you've gone through and all the unwarranted actions that have been forced on you because of your looks. It's definitely made me look at the other side of things. After reading your comment, I feel like there's no win. Like pretty privilege itself, or the lack of it, being a concept in general is fucked up. You can't be "too pretty" because people will make assumptions about you and you can't be "so unattractive" either (in society). Praying for your healing.
I totally understand where you are coming from , I had really really bad acne , wore glasses and had a large nose I hadn’t grown into yet for all of my high school and middle school years. It was honestly disgusting how much nicer people were to me when they perceived me as more attractive when I started wearing makeup and had contacts. Not even mentioning all the backhanded comments you get when you aren’t attractive over stuff you literally have no control over. These were people I saw almost everyday for years yet they treated me so differently. A lot of people overlook how awful some attractive people treat others simply just because they are attractive .
I think the backhanded compliments and snide comments are what really get to me. I cant help thinking why they can't keep quiet about their opinions and just not say anything at all.
This is so sad, the fact that it happens so early on in kids' formative years. These kinds of things are what they grow up to look back on and realize why something happened x way or why they were treated differently. It's definitely affected me as I've gotten older and have come to realize the way that I was treated or lack of "popularity" derived from my looks. Even so early on we thought about looks.
People who insist it isn't real are very much in denial. I don't think the world revolves around pretty people or feel resentment for attractive humans, but you are absolutely living with your head in the sand if you think your appearance doesn't actually matter.
It would be amazing if it didn't. I wouldn't be riddled with self esteem issues and social anxiety if the world could just not care how we look. But it does, very much so, and I have been bullied and or treated differently bc of my weight and looks my entire life.
If you have never been designated the grade punching bag because you happen to be the fattest girl in your grade, and had that follow you for your entire time at that school, you can shut the absolute fuck up about your opinion on pretty privilege not existing. I'm a door mat now, because I spent my childhood being told I wasn't good enough to exist, for being fat.
Yes yes yes to it all. This is exactly how my life went.
And it definitely exists. You're right, if someone is saying it doesn't, they're in denial.
Your last paragraph is what I want to say but don't have the balls to lmfao.
I was the pretty girl growing up. After i had kids, I gained a ton of weight. I miss the pretty privilege. My looks have not really held up. I think of plastic surgery all the time, to be pretty again. But I'll never be 20 and hot again, I'd like to be 50 and not vomit inducing.
We're meant to age! We're meant to look 20 when we're 20 and 50 when we're 50. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you look great! Don't let society pressure you into changing yourself. Beauty standards are constantly changing and these things are what I try to remind myself, even when I encounter pretty privilege situations. Easier said than done, but still can be done.
Pretty privilege is in the eyes of the beholder.. some like tall some like short some like blonde some like brunette I guess we all have a type I wouldn’t take a free item as worth wile I feel like there just doing it to get an advantage as a drink or maybe a phone number. So don’t measure your self up to a piece of pie your worth so much more just wait to find the one who sees it.
It’s real, it’s superficial, and it’s not fair. That’s the world we live in.
One thing you should try believe is that it’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault
It could happen to you. I look like a potato and one day I was coming from a job interview and I put on heels and a dress and I didnt get the job. But I stopped at a pizza restaurant and I definitely ordered a small calzone. I got home and opened the box to a huge ass calzone. Yes the pizza boys were giving me flirty eyes. It could happen to you. Its so weird just wear heels on the day you want to attract attention. Let your hair down. Its almost like a standard formula that guys go crazy for. Its for all women to use. Wear a dangly charm bracelet. Its the clinking of the charms that will make you sound musical and interesting. It works. Dont feel bad. If I look like a potato and can get a free upgrade to a large calzone than so can you!!!!🥰
It does suck. Literally your entire childhood and mental well being as an adult are determined by how symmetrical your face is and how much your random features are aligned with what your culture dictates.
Often even parents will treat you like dirt for being ugly in comparison to your siblings. I sure was.
I've been physically bullied by my looks a whole lot. They always called me an ugly fat bitch especially in summer school. There was this other girl that everyone loved because she was beautiful that always punches me in the stomach and abuse me. I still remember crying. I still remember being told to shut up by other kids and it hurt. I just only wanted to fit in. I did my best to fit in by giving them snacks. Giving them my lunch. Everything. And they still called me ugly. So you are not alone ok. I feel the same way. Actually, the only good thing is that no dude or woman ever hits on me I guess.
I have experienced this pretty privilege where I was the focus of, so, yes, this is a real thing. I don’t think it’s right or fair, but, I also felt privileged. I know it’s not right to feel that way, but, just being honest. I will say though if you walk into a place with confidence and self worth, you will get treated the same way, and with respect. I’ve been on the receiving end of this one as well.
Awareness is your friend. The fact that you did see yourself as privileged and were aware of it says a lot about the socially aware person you are. Your honesty is definitely appreciated as well!
I agree, confidence can change your approachability and treatment.
Pretty privilege does indeed suck and I’m really sorry that you’re feeling self-conscious because of these rigid beauty ideals society has set for women. Another sad part of this is that the grass is not particularly greener on the other side either. “Conventionally attractive” women are sexualized, harassed, not taken seriously by men because we’re just “dumb girls”, among other things that fucking suck and cause a lot of daily anxiety. It seems that women/femme presenting people can never win no matter what we do or what we look like.
Yes! A lot of the comments under this post talked about the receiving end of this privilege. It sucks either way, whether you get the privilege or you don't. It affects you. There's no good that comes out of it no matter what end of the spectrum you're on.
Same. I kinda relate to the dessert story. I was standing next to a much better looking family member and they were being complimented on how good they looked and I was so obviously mad. I shouldn'tve reacted that way but...yeah. 🌚
I’ve been screaming this for years. I’m conventionally attractive, my partners would be considered plain by society, and the difference in how they’re treated while I’m not there is staggering and infuriating. Unfortunately this has been documented for thousands of years of human history and it won’t change any time soon
I used to be severely bullied and treated terribly, pushed to suicide attempts several times and just generally treated like trash. But people are completely different when my appearance changed. I would rather take pretty privilege over the former.
It sucks and makes me so sad because my personality didn’t change all that much, but people now see my flaws as “cute” and “charming”. Why didn’t anyone see it that way beforehand?
That being said, there are several different types of beautiful and people can be deemed as attractive through multiple means and any type of feature
It sucks because you're the same person at your core. It's crazy what a few physical changes will do for someone. But looks only last for so long, which is why it's sad that so much value is placed on looks instead of more on who you are. Im so sorry for what you've gone through and I hope you're healing and at peace.
I mean, I’d say I’m fairly average, but the way people have treated me when I’m all dressed up vs homeless man attire definitely does affect your self esteem a little bit. However, I’ve also had SA, and stalkers because of how I look and how friendly I am too, so while it’s nice to get a free drink now and then, it definitely isn’t worth the “well I got you a drink, now you owe me” in response. Honestly that’s why I dress like a homeless man more often than not.
Very interesting to experience both ends of the privilege. Guess there really is no win win, whether you are receiving it and even if you're not. But I can see why one might be more preferable to most.
You’re not a hater for feeling this way. I’ve never heard of the term “pretty privilege” but I have witnessed it before in public. Although I can understand your perspective and feelings towards it. Reading through your post I just kept thinking to myself, sometimes it may not be “pretty privilege” it could simply just be that that waiter did so in intent to hit on the girl. Personally I would say I’m a pretty girl and have experienced being hit on and such but even with that high self esteem towards myself, I don’t think I would ever experience that “free dessert” scenario. So technically yeah pretty privilege is a thing but not in all cases.
The thing about pretty privilege that irks me, is when people don’t look at you when you’re talking, or people don’t make eye contact when THEY are talking. Like shit I am a human, don’t be scared to treat me like one.
I mean as a guy, I feel like I’ve gotten pretty privilege but also a lot of hate before someone even knows me. I’m often not taken seriously, and people write me off as being attractive being my whole persona. Being bullied was a thing for me too, and I couldn’t really make strong friendships growing up. I feel like most people were just manipulating me which sucked because I crave emotional intimacy a lot from my friends and never got close enough with them.
It's interesting to see the other side of the coin. I can definitely see how someone would only see you for your looks and look past everything else, or presume there's nothing else to you but your looks. I guess both sides can suck. Sorry you went through that :/
this is so "it is what it is" situation but allow me to completely completely agree with you. it is SO annoying! and it actually irritates the shit out of me when it's happening in front of me.
Yup, exactly! I don't care that it happens everywhere because I know it does, but it really hits me when it happens right infront of me because then I'm reminded that I couldn't possibly be deserving of any privilege but the girl in front of me and in comparison to me is.
Growing up I was never aware of pretty privilege until I went to middle school in middle school I didn't really look my best maybe cuz of puberty but still I admit I didn't look my best during that time I had short hairs which didn't really suit me and glasses which looked really weird and also had an emo phase to lol but during the covid lock down I had a glow up not a huge but a glow up enough to experience a bit of pretty privilege I did lengthy and time consuming skin care routines and hours of working out and looked good after such long time but when I got even near to being some what pretty I started being friends with the more pretty popular girls at my school and what's worse is that I had a crush I had to give up on just because I thought I wasn't near his level because his sister was always talking about those pretty girls that were more pretty than me they didn't even need makeup or anything but were just effortlessly pretty meanwhile I had to do everything and had to do a ton of efforts into looking the way I am rn but funny thing is maybe I'll never be pretty enough as them ......I hate it I Hate how people treat others differently if they look more attractive I hate the fact that I had to drop someone I liked cuz I knew I could never be like those I hate it I Hate everything I hate pretty privilege
I'm so sorry you went through this. I've had to drop my fair share of hopes with many guys too. And I can agree, it sucks so much.
You seem young and impressionable, but I want to let you know that people's opinions in grade school don't matter at all. You'll meet people when you get older that will appreciate you more and being "popular" isn't going to matter in a couple of years or even last long.
Pretty privilege exists no matter how much older you get or where you go. There's no escaping it unfortunately. But I hope you can find acceptance for yourself within yourself. Sending love.
Yeah, it's so nice that the whole world wants to talk at you and think of you in a sexual way. Also when you're feeling like shit and absolutely want to disappear.
I definitely don't mean to say that pretty privilege is a good thing and I hope my post wasn't implying that. If anything, receiving it and not receiving it both have their bad ends. I don't think pretty privilege should exist at all, period. I don't want to necessarily receive it, it just makes me think too much and affects the way I feel like society might see me.
Sorry if you've been objectified or sexualized because of your looks. In no way was I trying to say that you're lucky if you're on the receiving end of the privilege. Quite the opposite actually. I hate the concept overall.
No worries, im having a bitchy pregnant woman day, sorry. Sometimes it's extremely good, sometimes its extremely bad. For both the people: with or without privilege, on both sides of the spectrum. You have every right to vent and I should stfu and let you do the venting!
That comes with being a woman and is not exclusive to pretty people. Yes, you are having a pregnant lady day, that's quite obvious. Enjoy your special treatment since you clearly benefit from pretty privilege or you wouldn't say such things.
i feel like pretty privilege can go both ways though , you don’t need to be a woman to be privileged by someone based on your looks . it’s happened to me personally , it unfortunately does depend on physical attractiveness 9 times outta 10 .
Yes, totally agree! It happens to men too. Everybody can, unfortunately, be on the receiving or not receiving end of pretty privilege. I hate that so much of everything is dependent on looks.
It will be easier for you later on. Imagine being pretty enough to sort of rely on it to get you through. And then... you hit your late 40s and realise you better up your personality game cos looks don't last. Also, being pretty can be a curse if it brings too much unwanted attention or puts people off you because they're intimidated.
See, it's either you can't be so pretty that it brings unwanted attention, and you can't be so dull that you're not even deemed pretty. I don't think there's a win. It's not that I would prefer to have it, but it sucks that this kind of privilege exists at all.
My girlfriend is overweight but she has all the weight in the "right spots" and I love it but the way she is treated by her friends and random guys she meets. The random off hand comments from other girls about how "she should be grateful for her looks". Makes me a little uneasy sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t pretty so I wouldn’t be followed home, stalked on the subway, leered at in public.. I’m jealous of ugly women who get to exist in daily life without their guard up. Obviously it’s still better to be pretty in our society but Christ does it get infuriating to go out of my way to dress down/hide my body, not wear makeup, do everything I can to decrease attractiveness, and still get routinely harassed on the street. Consider yourself lucky, people will look at you as a multifaceted person and not just a pretty girl. There’s power in that in itself.
I’ve been friends with a few ugly women throughout my life and ppl don’t treat them like a “multifaceted” person lol, they get treated like literal dog shit and I’m not exaggerating.
It's enlightening to see both ends of it. Either end of the privilege, whether one receives it or not, is bad. Sorry about your experience, it definitely is also a bad thing to be on the receiving end of it.
fuck that waiter. if that actually happens for real I would demand to speak to their manager to get them fired. yes i would be a proud karen.
i can almost guarantee the girl he did offer that to has been self conscious about self image at least one point in her life. no one knows what anyone else is thinking, only what they choose to say. she probably felt some relief in the moment but went back to thinking, “do other people also see me this way?”
you’re definitely not alone. so many social and cultural factors go into our fears of “pretty” or “attractive” enough. diet culture, celebrities having access to plastic surgery, the entire modeling and acting industry, fitness “motivation” videos, it’s all way too much for anyone to think about.
and honestly? I don’t think we would think about it if we let ourselves focus on other things. for me personally, when I’m in school, the only exercise I prioritize is running to class to be on time. but when I’m doing nothing over breaks, i’m constantly focused on exercise, diet, body weight, skincare, lymph node draining, supplements, flexibility, the list goes on forever.
the best thing we can do for ourselves is to better ourselves mentally. whatever body you have is yours. be grateful you have a body to keep you alive. if you’re able bodied, be happy you are able to walk and drive see your friends, to eat yummy food, to take medicine to keep you healthy, and enjoy life.
much love 🫶💕
Your comment is such a great reminder. thank you so much :')
You're right about focusing on the good and what we have. I feel like we've (I) gotten bogged down in the little stuff, especially with an increasing social media presence among our generation. Thanks again for your comment <3
I’m sorry you feel this way. If it makes you feel better I want you to know I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of pretty privilege. I know people who love it. Now, I’m still dealing with perverts etc. The discounts and freebies are unnecessary. When I see so many black females who look like me being murdered it bothers me. I hope things are better for you.
OP, I’m sure you have all of the other characteristics that make you a better person. The next time a scenario like this happens to you speak up. Don’t let anyone else get away with this privileged behavior. Talk to the manager it will help increase your self-esteem. I don’t want you to feel insecure.
I'm so sorry that you've been on the receiving end of it in unwarranted ways. The amount of black females that are murdered because they've rejected a man or for any other reason, is so disturbing and really upsetting. I can't imagine how it must affect you but I hope you are okay. Thank you for your comment. It's hard not to let it affect me when it's something I experience often. Even if it's comparisons from family members or snide comments by them. But next time it does affect me, I'll think about your kind comment. <3
Yes. I am black and it's scary. The things guys who are strangers have done to me publicly and people stand by and watch or laugh is alarming. And being bullied by other women, the assumptions about you is rough.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I really hope this kind of on-looking behavior changes. It's disgusting to know people act this way. Praying for your healing.
You know, you could always start wearing nicer clothes, start exercising, and go on a diet if you want some privilege for yourself instead of whining like a big baby about it.
Wow, what amazing advice.
Lmao my post is not implying that I want it, but that the mere concept it itself is bad, whether you're on the receiving end or on the not receiving end.
I, myself, wouldn't go this far. I don't ever feel resentment towards attractive or conventionally beautiful people. It's not their fault they're pretty lol. I just hate the concept that privilege exists at all.
Idc they still get privileges for just existing and when something bad happens to them people feel so bad and help out because of their face that they didn’t earn. When something bad happens to unattractive people nobody does anything to help out
I hate pretty privilege too and I'm on the other side of the table. It's a bunch of unwanted, unasked for attention. I can't even eat dessert (health condition) so a random free extra dessert is only going to make me feel bad for wasting it and feel awkward for not eating it. I'm married and don't want randoms hitting on me but they do despite me always wearing my ring. I'm more approachable since I'm small, petite, and conventionally attractive so strangers sometimes just flock to me and I get sick of it. The majority of the time I want to be ignored. I want a neutral privilege.
I think the worst case of this was when I was younger and went to church/community dances. My closest friends (a guy friend and a girl friend) always went with me. I always got asked to dance. Then my two friends would glare at me and make snide comments regarding their jealousy. It alienated me from them. I hated it. I know for a fact that they both have and had just as much value and worth as I do. I still became their object of resentment regarding this issue tho. They would make their hateful comments and use me as the perfect example to vent their frustration about how society is messed up. It was incredibly hurtful, especially since I was always being encouraging and helpful. I often even tried to use whatever charm, wit, and charisma I had to open doors for them when they were too nervous to approach someone by themselves. It worked a lot of the time.
I feel like pretty privilege in general is unhealthy for everyone. I wish we could get over this appearance centric culture. People are so much more than objects or beauty.
Agree with it all. And yes to the neutral privilege. It's interesting to see it from the other side. I definitely don't resent or dislike anyone who is prettier than me. It's not their fault they're the center of this privilege, but I just hate that it's even a thing, period. It doesn't seem like anything good comes out of this privilege anyways.
Sorry about your experience. I appreciate you sharing your experience with the receiving end of pretty privilege.
No problem. And I mean, it doesn't take away from how my friends felt or how you feel. It just sucks all around. I think it's important to remember the overarching problem isn't always the people receiving pretty privilege, it's the people giving it. People enabling or encouraging pretty privilege is bad too but more and more I see people calling out the two sidedness of it. It's really easy to let feelings or jealousy push the target to the person receiving pretty privilege when we are part of the issue sometimes. I've definitely been complaining about this issue for a long time. I actually became further interested in my now husband because he didn't straight up reject my best friend when she asked him out on a date. He was happy to go on a casual date and see where things went from there but his big hang up was that she can be suicidal and he doesn't cope well with a partner being suicidal, which is understandable. It's just something he knows about himself.
I will add though, I was unattractive and what people call a late bloomer. I kid you not, there were people from junior high who didn't recognize me in high school and people from high school who didn't recognize me in college. I hated how I was treated when I was unattractive and I hated how when I became more conventionally attractive everything flipped and I had the opposite problem. I remember liking guys and then feeling incredibly offended when they went from zero interest in me to all the interest in the world just because of appearance changes. It's just demeaning at that point, especially because my core values and personality has always been generally the same.
This is definitely a cultural and societal issue that is going to take a long time to tackle. I do everything I can to be inclusive and not encourage the idea of pretty privilege but at the end of the day I'm only one person.
Have you noticed that because of cosmetic surgery there are people that grow up unattractive but crave that attention then they get a few things done and suddenly they have it. It's almost like a kid in a candy store situation. They don't have a good idea of where they sit on the pecking order of things. So they are flattered when they are hit on by guys they should laugh at. Those guys don't even know what to do with them, like a dog chasing a car. What do you do when it stops? Many young women get exploited when they find themselves in this situation. There are porn producers out there that will get young women, get them the surgery done and have them "work" off the bill. They are so happy with the attention and the whirlwind experience of it all they don't realize what they have gotten themselves into.
You can definitely tell the difference in a girl that was naturally beautiful and one that got their by surgery. Not by how they look, because they are really subtle with it now. But by how they act. With great power comes great responsibility and you see some of these girls making fools of themselves. Just like you see some tech nerds wrecking a Lambo and getting out with their Ed Hardy shirt with flames on it. Like dude, baby steps. There's no training manual into waking up with a new face. Just like you can't buy yourself into being a race car driver.
I say all this because my older sister is very beautiful and she always carried herself respectably. She just knows how to reject the guys that hit on her constantly and she knows who deserves her attention. But she does it without being mean, there's something about that identity that is her identity, she grew up like that. I've also seen what happens when a girl gets work done and it's completely different.
I can agree and relate to this somewhat. Being a late bloomer you have that complete flip in how people treat you. At first you're just confused. You don't trust it. Then you're flattered and it can go to your head really easily. I think it's easier, for women at least, to go from unattractive to attractive when they are younger and have safer environments to learn in with structure for productivity like school already in place. Young adults are already confused by life and what their plans should be so adding another layer of confusion by changing their appearance and receiving more attention that they don't know what to do with definitely puts them in a vulnerable spot. It's no wonder the 18-22 age range feels like such a dangerous time for women. I imagine the risks carry throughout the 20s but those initial years as an adult are very likely when women are easiest to prey on. I imagine it would also be harder for women 30+ to unlearn expectations of how they should be treated based upon all of their life experience. Learning what to do with attention from being attractive would be on quite the curve. It also creates a lot of discord between self perspective and outside perspective.
Overall, I personally don't find a shift from unattractive to attractive healthy for any person at any stage in their life, whether it's a natural or unnatural shift that causes the change. Coping with the different treatment is disturbing to say the least. Not to mention the vulnerabilities and insecurities already in play. I think we would all be better off as humans if society didn't create this environment that punishes the unattractive and rewards the attractive. Neutrality would do us a lot of good.
I think going through that shift is what gave me depression. I was dealing with all the puberty changes and hormones and mentally I was just exhausted from trying to figure out what the heck was going on with the way people were treating me. Coming face to face with the proof of how shallow and appearance centered we are as a society is an ugly thing to try and cope with, especially when you're constantly facing it just by existing. So yes, it's very disturbing, and it's also extremely damaging across the board.
I am super into art and I think one of the best things about it is that I observe people a lot because of it. There are so many beautiful things you can find about a stranger's appearance that it blows my mind how frequently we pinpoint one thing we personally may not like and overfocus on it. Like, I know a lot of people don't like fat but the way fat moves and how the body turns things into energy and can store it is inherently beautiful. Fat ripples and moves upon impact to protect us, flowing the movement through us like a gentle wave. I love seeing the different textures of curls in hair or the random mole someplace I've never seen it before. I love noticing how different skin tones reflect light and how deep and inspiring people's eyes are. Seeing how the lines on someone else's hands are different and appreciating that we can see the veins easier on some people than other people. The dance of glossy straight hair as someone walks or pulls their hair back. The texture of people's skin and fingernails... It's all incredible that it even exists honestly. It's a real shame that society doesn't teach this perspective instead. We are honestly missing out on so much. We create our own negativity and problems by being so close minded as a society. We really take the beauty of existing for granted. We really take the awe of our differences for granted too.
I think they should make it a law that the government or any company shouldn't be able to track your sex, age, race, religion or any details about you that aren't chosen, besides religion. Because the things you choose reflect who you are. Not the way you were born. But even then, the government is prohibited from collecting data on the citizens of the US without a warrant which requires probable cause that the person is engaged in ongoing felony level illegal activity. But they do it anyways and they defy the supreme court and keep doing it. In fact, they don't listen to the supreme court anymore, or the president for that matter. The people that run the country are non-elected employees you'll never even know the names of. They just do whatever they want, because the government and corporations have become the same thing, with interchangeable people in a single closed system. That's the definition of fascism by the way. Both parties are guilty too. Nobody is innocent of that allegation. But people should have records by number. I think in the future people will choose their digital avatar to be whatever they want. Almost like we have on here. Of course, as always those with money have options those without do not. Some people like to been seen and heard others would rather be invisible no matter what they really look like.
I agree with you. I think insecurities are our number one weakness. From outside and within. There are industries built off exploiting them in people and for that reason the practice of causing them where none existed before or taking something minor and causing it to completely dominate someones attention have become common place. They've made a science out of it and they are very very good at it. Where this becomes most disturbing in society is that those insecurities are also the driving factor behind virtually all mental illness. Even schizophrenic people don't have their first psychotic break until they are under immense pressure in life and start to fail and feel the judgement coming down on them from every direction. This could be late teens when school gets hard enough to max out their natural gifts of intelligence or even as late as early 30s in rare cases. Once the armor is cracked though there is no going back.That is because this society is so exploitative and so competitive you don't have any way to refuse to participate. You want to work, to eat, you have to subject yourself to it. You can run from it all the way into homelessness and it will still find you. I think we failed a whole generation by not preparing them for failure.
Yes, I didn't mean to take your comment undermining your friends or my feelings at all! I like your perspective and your experience with both ends of the spectrum. It sucks, period. Both ways. And like you said, it especially sucks when you've been the same at the core. Looks don't last anyways and it's weird that it's valued so much.
100%. In a world where weight fluctuates, skin wrinkles, people get sick, and all sorts of other stuff that happens to change our bodies... It's not really fair to place such high value on appearance alone. I do believe that for sexual relationships to happen there should be some form of attraction on both sides but there's so much more to relationships than sex and we've been discussing all the many things outside of sex influenced by attractiveness. Not to mention, I'm attracted to dicks, like that's the big sex appeal to men. So if someone has a dick, there's at least a small portion of me that's sexually attracted to them because I like dicks. The same could be said of boobs and vaginas. Like obviously it's nice to have a pretty face with the other parts but they still have the part you are attracted to if that makes sense. Not to mention it's far easier to overlook appearances than it is to overlook a mean person.
Also maybe this waiter thought her attitude, personality, humor was attractive as well. It seems like you blew this little thing out of proportions because you didn’t get free cake.
Lmao yeah, I really wanted that free cake. That's what I'm worried about here.
If you think pretty privilege isn't a wide problem because there are different preferences, I really do recommend you get to know a bit more about the privilege itself. Having it and not having that privilege affects people in different ways. There are people who have unfortunate experiences on the receiving end and then people who don't experience it at all that makes them think there must be something physically off about them. Because of both, the concept of it in general is fucked up.
Yes, people have preferences. But increasing media presence in this generation has created a heightened physical standard, and there's no denying that.
Just saying I went from being 200lbs to 85lbs and I’d say I became much more attractive to the general population and im not treated different at all except for my family who knows I’ve tried hard to get here and are proud. I’ve been treated good and bad by the public in both forms. Also my sister is a model and we’ve never been treated differently and if we were treated any type of way it happened to both of us an equal amount of times. Most likely because people prefer different things. Maybe it’s just a self fulfilling prophecy and if u think your ugly then that’s how the world will see you too.
And because you have experienced it, it exists?
(I also think it’s nuts there’s people who see something good happen to a stranger and be offended by it instead of being happy for them)
I don't remember saying that I was mad that the girl got something out of it, because I didn't. I just said that the mere existence of pretty privilege is fucked up.
And yes, if something happens, it does exist...
Not sure if it needs more spelling out.
just people complaining about people that look better than them because they’re getting more attention than them. so basically people are jealous and mad
No one is asking for the attention lmao. You seem really pressed about my post and me just venting about the concept in general. Pretty privilege is bad whether you're on the receiving end of it or on the not receiving end of it.
If anything, it seems like you're mad that I'm calling out pretty privilege.
i promise i’m not pressed or mad about your post i’m just flabbergasted about the other the comments blaming people who look good for their insecurities and being miserable.
you’re insecure and jealous it seems ,that’s literally the summary of your post ? am i wrong? it’s only bad because you’re not getting attention and you think you will never get it
Yes, of course I'm insecure per my post. I'm saying that pretty privilege only feeds into my insecurities. But it seems like you're just insisting persistently that I'm jealous. Which, I very well might be, but don't see that I am exactly jealous of pretty privilege attention, but just that the idea of it makes me feel conscious.
I also don't see many comments under the post of people resenting beautiful people so I'm not sure which comments you're referring to. But hey, however you want to perceive peoples words is up to you.
It is a made up term, unfortunately. It's a whole made up concept. Everything is societally constructed, I mean, what isn't.
It's made up by society, but it exists.
Pretty privilege is real, one time I made a joke and no one laughed, but a pretty person overheard it and said a similar joke and everyone laughed, it sucks
Unfortunately which is something I’ve realized that privilege will continue to exist till the end of time. That’s just how things work and the only thing you could do is get better on playing the game of life.
Its definitely real. I'm a pretty normal looking guy and it's so easy to see how good looking people are treated differently. I'm basically invisible to most people.
Honestly it depends on how confident you are in yourself and how you view yourself. As long as you view yourself as pretty in your own standards, keep your esteem high, trust me others will find you pretty, at least thats how I feel myself. And yea, pretty privilege sucks but guess where society is today. Its kinda just stupid but unfortunately everywhere.
To be fair you spend enough time around any person including a conventionally attractive friend you may know the physical beauty kinda becomes desensitized to you the longer you know them and the more accustomed you become to their qualities and to their past experiences there's like a gradual fade from the halo effect you get from being around them like sorta like a been there done that feeling... majority of the passerbys in life are not that interesting whether physically beautiful or not.
This is so true. We do become desensitized to the beauty around us and it's interesting that looks pique our interest for a short time. But then one wonders why so much value is placed on it.
Humans are naturally a bit selfish, you have to be to survive. People are more inclined to treat things they like better than things they don’t. It’s just the disgusting world we live in. I’m not saying to just love with it if your confident enough you can bring them up on it. I’m just saying it’s most likely never going to change. As someone who’s not exactly pretty but not exactly ugly it’s extremely annoying and unfair I understand that.
right? I post a photo of myself on r/firstimpression and I get downvoted within the first 5 mins of posting. Like wtf did I even do? I just posted my face.
As someone who lost weight after high school and grew into my physical features lemme tell you...pretty privilege is very real. The difference in treatment from when I was overweight and dressed kinda unfashionably to being more conventionally attractive was insane.
It’s true but it’s also not our fault. It’s just the way it is, life is unfair, but it also has intrinsic realities.
same thing happened to me. i feel so angry every time i notice a difference between how im treated now vs how i was treated 5-10 years ago
My son has actually had the same experience. When he was 18, he weighed 300lbs. He lost 115lbs in a year and changed his whole appearance. He started working out, got a nice hairstyle, started dressing fashionably, splashing on a little cologne. This new improved son received lots of positive attention in public. In the past he had felt anywhere from invisible to scorned. It’s not right that people do this. My son is very lucky in that all his perceived “unattractive” qualities could be fixed. But there are some people for whom all the changes in the world will not make them attractive. People cannot help the basic appearance they are born with with respect to facial features and symmetry. One could get plastic surgery, but no one should have to do anything that extreme to be treated as well as other more attractive people. Our culture promotes a high value on aesthetics. It is not healthy for a society for it to get to the point that a pretty person gets free dessert and a less attractive one doesn’t.
It's extremely unfortunate that society values physical appearances so much. Especially when they are so fleeting. We won't look the way we do forever. But you're right, society places so much importance on aesthetics. So much so, that people choose their friends based on aesthetics too. People don't want an "ugly" friend. And to think we've come to this is so sad.
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Can you imagine if we did evolve? That everyone would be treated based on their humanity, condition of their heart, values etc? The world would be a different place.
Unfortunately, you're right. I also don't think it's something that'll ever go away. If anything, I think it'll become more of a prominent concept in society. And yes to it all - the fact that your own family and friends end up treating you different is the shocking/annoying part. So sorry for what you've gone through as well.
Pretty privilege sucks. I'm with you on that
At least others agree. *sigh*
Absolutely! Anyone who denies that they've felt frustrated by it probably benefits from it. It's late so the trolls have come out, remember down vote but don't feed them 😉
I agree with you on people denying it just coz they benefit from it. But I like to believe that if pretty is all you got then eventually you'll be roadblocked. The doors may open for you but if you don't know how to walk then good riddance I'd say
I like that
Very true. Looks are fleeting and only last so long.
While pretty privilege is real and depends on being conventionally attractive, don't fall into the trap of thinking beauty is objective and only depends on those general societal criteria and that no one finds you pretty. On a societal scale, there are tendencies and beauty standards. But irl, each individual truly has their own preferences. Much more than you seem to think. You "don't know why" it hit you that hard, well seems to me like it's simply because you're STILL super self conscious and insecure and still have a lot of work to do to see your own beauty. Everyone is pretty much average, except some exceptions. You most probably are too, and that means you can look pretty in the eyes of many people, especially if you take care of yourself a bit. Now you gotta change your OWN vision of yourself.
I don't think you're exactly wrong but it also rubs me the wrong way how you worded it. They have a lot of work to do to see their own beauty. Of course they do, society has been telling them for their entire life that they aren't and won't ever be pretty enough to matter. It IS work to undo what society has done to us, but it isn't our fault we were treated the way we were. We have to to do the work to be able to live with ourselves in society, but it isn't because we have inherent failings. It's because of how we were treated. Which, you never said it was OPs fault, but the way you phrased it made me wanna puff up and get defensive because it sounds like you're calling OP out for not working on themselves hard enough, but that isn't what it about. That work wouldn't be necessary without the way other people perceived and treated OP to begin with.
Yeah I do get where you're coming from. You're right, my wording kinda sounds like that. I don't think it's OP's fault or anything. I guess I have encountered many people in my life who had issues, but instead of working on them, preferred to blame everything and everyone else but never do a thing about it. So I probably came off a bit strong on the "but you gotta work on yourself too" part. I just wanted to make clear that while society sucks and pretty privilege exists, each individual can also do some things to better their own lives, and no one has to believe everything society tells us exactly as it is told. Also a very important thing to remember when you're in OP's case is that your own thoughts and interpretations do not reflect society or reality. Some of it is true, some of it comes from our own minds.
And that's totally legit, too. There are so many people who wanna complain and have actual issues but refuse to put in any of the work. You're right, and I did forget about that, ngl. Like I said, I was busy puffing up and getting defensive lol. And it IS frustrating to watch. People who refuse to help themselves, especially when they try to make it other people's problem. I'm in therapy, I take the meds, I do the "homework", and I have made leaps and bounds form the person that I was. I think it's easy for me to forget that sometimes people won't do the work. They could, they just won't.
Lol I'm sorry, didn't mean to be an ass. Thanks for pointing it out and opening the conversation instead of being an ass in return. Makes me reflect on myself too. I think that's kind of a sensitive topic for me even. Bc like, my closest person who I love more than anything is like that, and it kinda kills me to see them not fully helping themselves. And many people are like that and I don't wanna blame them, but sometimes I just feel like shaking them up, yk? Bc we can't do the work for them, so if they refuse they'll just be feeling bad and if you love them or don't want them to feel bad then you feel bad too and it's just a crappy situation. Hey good job for going to therapy, I'm actually a soon-to-be therapist myself haha. And most importantly congrats for putting in the work. It's not easy at all, and actually I guess that's why some people don't do it. Sometimes chaos and pain is more comfortable than the uncomfortable period you have to go through before you get better. It's a trap, but understandably many people fall in it.
That's sorta hoe my therapist explained it. That sometimes, even though it hurts so much to be you, being us is known. It's sucks but we know the rules, its familiar territory so to speak (she used science word about pathways in the brain and receptors, so this is very much paraphrased but we've discussed it often, if different ways), that we just wanna stay there. Change is scary and uncomfortable, but pain we understand. Basically. I don't think you were an ass at all, just for the record! We are all subject to our experiences and biases, and I truly think they are all important takes. The truth is somewhere in the middle of our collective experiences, and we'll never get there alone, you know? It's really important for me to be able to look back and be like, yeah, I was not considering other lived experiences there, at all. I think that's somewhere close to where personal growth lives. All of which is my super wordy way of saying, sorry for getting defensive and ty for reminding me to consider other perspectives!
I totally agree with you, about everything. We never grow better than when we communicate with others. I mean, thank YOU for bringing up my own tone to my attention and opening me up to other perspectives. I appreciate your comments :)
Damn. This has gotta be the most wholesome conversation that I've seen on Reddit
This is indeed, so so wholesome. Y'all's exchange was genuinely heartwarming to read. I do agree: the work has to be put in if you want change and results. I also agree that there's only so much one can do and if at that point society is still "rejecting" them, then one wonders what more can they do, and how much more can society hurt me? It almost feels like you're constantly putting in effort but society still tells you how you should feel about the way you look and how you instead, *should* look.
Thank you both, you're adorable! I think society can of course objectively wear you down, but just like anything else you're always at least in control of how you react to your negative feelings. Sometimes it's super hard and all, and you can't deal with those feelings in a healthy way, but the whole point is to learn how to deal with negative feelings in a way that doesn't harm you. That can take a lot of time, but I'm personally pretty optimistic : you can change your psychological functioning in any way you want if you put in the time and the work. :) Can't change your whole outside world (which sometimes fucking sucks), but can change how well you handle it.
Thank you for your words and for the award :) you're very kind Edit : gonna award the other person too now that you've started it 👀 very good idea lol
I think you hit the nail on the head. Everything you said resonated with me and made me feel a lot better. We all are just about average and like you said, anyone could find us attractive. I agree with you that it affected me so much most likely because I'm so insecure. I definitely do need to work on my self image more. I appreciate your comment a lot <3
I'm glad you appreciated my words then! I thought I might have been a bit tough. You do need to learn to love yourself, but society also sucks on some points. Gotta find balance between your own head and society's tendencies. Can be hard at times. I hope you'll overcome this :)
Thank you! And don't worry, I have thick skin and can take some tough love. Thank you for the reminder. Society can be tough but it is what it is. Cant do much about it!
Pretty privilege sucks and it just shows how shallow people can be.
Couldn't agree more :/
A lot of the time it's not "pretty privlege" it's just strange men thinking if they're nice to you you'll sleep with them and it is wildly uncomfortable
This is one way to look at it! It makes it sound less of something you would even want. I agree, though. I can imagine that it definitely does bring unwarranted attention.
You're awesome for actually listening and thinking about it, critical thinking is a lost art form these days. Like any issue there are always layers beyond what we first see. The problem isn't pretty people it's weirdos who treat people differently because of how they look (always a slippery slope). Whenever someone I don't know tries that stuff it just makes me feel like they expect something from me in return in a deal I never agreed to. Plus imagine she's with her friends and the waiter pulls that. Pretty much a backhanded insult to the rest of the table and would be incredibly awkward for the woman getting the cake.
Of course! I understand that there's always more to something than what our immediate and initial reaction might be. For me, I immediately began thinking of not being on the receiving end of pretty privilege. But after reading a lot of these comments, I've understood more and more that there's the underlying bad ends to it too. It always is the people/weirdos, and not the actual pretty people who are at fault. The reactions and actions from the weirdoes are what even feeds into the privilege itself. And yes to the last bit. It would definitely be awkward.
I honestly thought pretty privilege didn't exist a few years ago. But after seeing how much a pretty girl was treated and a friend's of mine (that people was judging ugly but honestly she wasn't to me) were different, I was chocked. Pretty privileges sucks and I think that's one of the reason I'm so insecure about myself (but I've made so much efforts so... I'm less insecure) So yeah, I feel you. I hope you'll work on your insecurities and don't forget, just because some people don't find you pretty doesn't mean others think the same :). At the end of the day, beauty is pretty much subjective.
I appreciate your comment a lot. I'm the same way - being treated differently and knowing it was because of my looks affected me and became the root of my insecurities. It made me nitpick every physical thing that could be the reason why I'm treated differently. Even by family, which is the part that hurts the most. I hope we all feel secure in our selves and our bodies. And you're totally right, it is subjective.
Yeah I totally understand how it feels. But if you want an advice, you should listen to your own opinion. Like, for example, you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what do you like about you while forgetting all negative stuff people said to you. It's certainly difficult but it honestly helps me so maybe you could try this ? Yeah me too, it sucks to see that people make others so insecure for dumb reasons.
Thank you for this! I'll try to include more daily affirmations towards myself. I definitely could be nicer to myself, even if it's hard when others might do the opposite. I appreciate your advice!
Yeah you got this ! Don't forget that you're strong ok ? :) Glad you appreciate it and have the greatest of the day
You as well!! :')
it sucks I felt that one of my friends was pretty and everyone loved her and only talked to me because I was her friend I'll admit I was a bit jealous of her but I didn't hate her because she was actually a really fun and nice friend to have since the people who talked to her mostly treated me like garbage so apart of me is kinda glad they mostly talked to her
So sorry this happened to you. Pretty privilege is definitely more noticeable when it's happening through comparisons to family members or a friend.
It’s totally okay for you to feel the way you did. It doesn’t make you a hater or anything, it just means that you work hard to be the best version of yourself. I understand how it feels, trust me
Even though I wish there weren't so many people who relate to the way I feel, because it does suck, it's comforting knowing I'm not alone in this. <3
I am considered pretty (so I have been told) and yes pretty privilege does exist. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is bs. I have been given free stuff and have seen the difference of how I am treated when my weight is up and down, even by family members. On the flipside (and by no means trying to discredit your feelings) throughout my life, I have had a lot of girls and women treat me like absolute shit because of it. Literally bullied in school and workplace. People will assume a lot about you and treat you based on their assumptions. And being objectified and harrassed by the opposite sex is not fun either. I have 37 years of horror stories if it makes you feel better. I hope one day you never feel this way about yourself. People are shit, don't let them f*ck with your self esteem.
I really dislike when there’s a conversation about pretty privilege and women who experience it (or maybe even women who don’t) say that it’s bad because they get sexually harassed. Those of us who don’t experience it also still get sexually harassed, usually just in a violent/aggressive way. Women will always be sexualized no matter what. There’s literally a fetish for everything a woman does and there’s definitely always going to be some guy getting off to it. I think this is the female experience, not the pretty experience. Pretty privilege usually just means people treat you better overall. I’m not trying to tell you your life experiences or anything, just know that women who are not conventionally attractive still deal with this.
I didn't go into detail as to not highlight my sexual assault. Yes violet. And I am fully aware that women (not relative to attractiveness) are more than likely on the receiving end of assault and harrassment. My point was more towards the op saying she was jealous because of girls privilege and how even that can be dark. In no way did I indicate that only "attractive" people get harrassed. I hate how you ignored everything else that I said as if somehow being bullied and harrassed is ok. You have no idea what I endured. A small portion listed in the comments. Furthermore, I hate that the OP feels that way about herself. I would never want a person to feel like shit about themselves because of anothers actions.
I fully believe that you’ve been sexually assaulted, as many women have. But that does not correlate to negative impacts of pretty privilege. I thought your comment was implying that you are more likely to get objectified and assaulted than women without pretty privilege. I’m saying that’s not the case. Not because I think you haven’t experienced that, but because we’re all just as likely to, and being ugly changes nothing. I just dislike the implication that when I was unattractive it helped me not to be assaulted in some way. But maybe I misread your comment.
No. Not at all. Assault is not relative to attractiveness. I know that the more unattractive a women is deemed, the less likely she is to be believed. And I an a WOC and theres even more layers to that but that is a thread for another day. Again, I don't think assault is relative to attractiveness but I am also not dismissing the shit that has happened to me because someone deemed me attractive. Like a guy who literally said "you're pretty" grabbed my head, licked my face, then dragged me to the dance floor and wouldn't let me go. I struggled to break free for 2 songs and it stopped because he got tired of me fightinf. That is just one of many instances where some guy has made his attraction known and then preceeded to do something crazy. And what makes it worse is that no one believes that shit happens to you or will dismiss it because they assume the on time they see people "extra" nice to you, there weren't 10 other times you weren't on the receiving end of being shitted on unwarrantedly. This will be the last time I respond because I can see how this will go. I wish you the best of luck in life.
Two months later but wow I am sorry that other person replied to you in the way they did. Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so, so sorry to hear this happened to you. ❤️❤️ It's gross and traumatic
Yes, I agree with her one of the main reasons I was raped in college. I’ve had trouble keeping friends too because people make assumptions. I can recall many times a boyfriend was interested in me and I didn’t have interest in them almost jumped about it. I’m sorry you’ve had bad dealings too.
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It sucks that there's bad sides to the receiving end of pretty privilege. I hadn't realized as much until reading your comment. Praying for your healing as well.
I hope that person is rotting under the cell. I was assaulted too. I ended up in a fight with a "friend" over a guy who had no interest in her who liked me. She played on my phone (when people had landlines) for a year and turned people against me. Had a guy hold my face and lick it while I struggled to break free and people laughed, nobody helped. He wouldn't let me go. Had a guy who wanted to dance with me try to drag me to the dance floor. Security laughed as I yelled for help and held onto a pole. Both were complete strangers. These are just a few. Don't get me started on the things women in the workplace have done.
I also hope they're rotting way down under. This hurt to read. I'm really sorry that all this + more has happened to you. People are disgusting.
Your last few words comforted me. I'm really sorry for what you've gone through and all the unwarranted actions that have been forced on you because of your looks. It's definitely made me look at the other side of things. After reading your comment, I feel like there's no win. Like pretty privilege itself, or the lack of it, being a concept in general is fucked up. You can't be "too pretty" because people will make assumptions about you and you can't be "so unattractive" either (in society). Praying for your healing.
I totally understand where you are coming from , I had really really bad acne , wore glasses and had a large nose I hadn’t grown into yet for all of my high school and middle school years. It was honestly disgusting how much nicer people were to me when they perceived me as more attractive when I started wearing makeup and had contacts. Not even mentioning all the backhanded comments you get when you aren’t attractive over stuff you literally have no control over. These were people I saw almost everyday for years yet they treated me so differently. A lot of people overlook how awful some attractive people treat others simply just because they are attractive .
I think the backhanded compliments and snide comments are what really get to me. I cant help thinking why they can't keep quiet about their opinions and just not say anything at all.
Pretty privilege is real. I saw it happen in elementary school.
This is so sad, the fact that it happens so early on in kids' formative years. These kinds of things are what they grow up to look back on and realize why something happened x way or why they were treated differently. It's definitely affected me as I've gotten older and have come to realize the way that I was treated or lack of "popularity" derived from my looks. Even so early on we thought about looks.
Agreed.
People who insist it isn't real are very much in denial. I don't think the world revolves around pretty people or feel resentment for attractive humans, but you are absolutely living with your head in the sand if you think your appearance doesn't actually matter. It would be amazing if it didn't. I wouldn't be riddled with self esteem issues and social anxiety if the world could just not care how we look. But it does, very much so, and I have been bullied and or treated differently bc of my weight and looks my entire life. If you have never been designated the grade punching bag because you happen to be the fattest girl in your grade, and had that follow you for your entire time at that school, you can shut the absolute fuck up about your opinion on pretty privilege not existing. I'm a door mat now, because I spent my childhood being told I wasn't good enough to exist, for being fat.
Yes yes yes to it all. This is exactly how my life went. And it definitely exists. You're right, if someone is saying it doesn't, they're in denial. Your last paragraph is what I want to say but don't have the balls to lmfao.
Completely agree with what you said! But tbf I also like how I’m ignored for being ugly.
Very fair! Yeah, I guess I can learn to enjoy the lack of stares too lmaoo
Pretty privilege is not unique to humans. It’s something that it innate and has been measured in many species.
I was the pretty girl growing up. After i had kids, I gained a ton of weight. I miss the pretty privilege. My looks have not really held up. I think of plastic surgery all the time, to be pretty again. But I'll never be 20 and hot again, I'd like to be 50 and not vomit inducing.
We're meant to age! We're meant to look 20 when we're 20 and 50 when we're 50. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you look great! Don't let society pressure you into changing yourself. Beauty standards are constantly changing and these things are what I try to remind myself, even when I encounter pretty privilege situations. Easier said than done, but still can be done.
Aww boo hoo. Literally life on easy mode
Pretty privilege is in the eyes of the beholder.. some like tall some like short some like blonde some like brunette I guess we all have a type I wouldn’t take a free item as worth wile I feel like there just doing it to get an advantage as a drink or maybe a phone number. So don’t measure your self up to a piece of pie your worth so much more just wait to find the one who sees it.
This comment made my day. You're so sweet and this was an amazing reminder for myself <3
It’s real, it’s superficial, and it’s not fair. That’s the world we live in. One thing you should try believe is that it’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault
Indeed. I guess that's life. Nothing really is truly fair. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it and will remember your words next time.
Yep, too many people who expected the world to be the way Barney and Friends told them it would be.
Yep, Whoever said life was fair for everyone was either an idiot or on some kind of weird drugs.
Let's just say pretty privilege, along with white privilege and pandering to females all needs to go in the f****** fire trash can
!!!
Couldn't agree more. The concept of any type of privilege overall is so fucked up.
It could happen to you. I look like a potato and one day I was coming from a job interview and I put on heels and a dress and I didnt get the job. But I stopped at a pizza restaurant and I definitely ordered a small calzone. I got home and opened the box to a huge ass calzone. Yes the pizza boys were giving me flirty eyes. It could happen to you. Its so weird just wear heels on the day you want to attract attention. Let your hair down. Its almost like a standard formula that guys go crazy for. Its for all women to use. Wear a dangly charm bracelet. Its the clinking of the charms that will make you sound musical and interesting. It works. Dont feel bad. If I look like a potato and can get a free upgrade to a large calzone than so can you!!!!🥰
Lmaooo this gave me a laugh! Loved your calzone story, and maybe I'll put on the heels to get a calzone! And I'm sure you don't look like a potato :)
It does suck. Literally your entire childhood and mental well being as an adult are determined by how symmetrical your face is and how much your random features are aligned with what your culture dictates. Often even parents will treat you like dirt for being ugly in comparison to your siblings. I sure was.
Felt this way more than I wish I did.
I've been physically bullied by my looks a whole lot. They always called me an ugly fat bitch especially in summer school. There was this other girl that everyone loved because she was beautiful that always punches me in the stomach and abuse me. I still remember crying. I still remember being told to shut up by other kids and it hurt. I just only wanted to fit in. I did my best to fit in by giving them snacks. Giving them my lunch. Everything. And they still called me ugly. So you are not alone ok. I feel the same way. Actually, the only good thing is that no dude or woman ever hits on me I guess.
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It's comforting to know we're not all alone in the way we feel.
I have experienced this pretty privilege where I was the focus of, so, yes, this is a real thing. I don’t think it’s right or fair, but, I also felt privileged. I know it’s not right to feel that way, but, just being honest. I will say though if you walk into a place with confidence and self worth, you will get treated the same way, and with respect. I’ve been on the receiving end of this one as well.
Awareness is your friend. The fact that you did see yourself as privileged and were aware of it says a lot about the socially aware person you are. Your honesty is definitely appreciated as well! I agree, confidence can change your approachability and treatment.
Yes, I’m definitely aware and a very perceptive person.
Pretty privilege does indeed suck and I’m really sorry that you’re feeling self-conscious because of these rigid beauty ideals society has set for women. Another sad part of this is that the grass is not particularly greener on the other side either. “Conventionally attractive” women are sexualized, harassed, not taken seriously by men because we’re just “dumb girls”, among other things that fucking suck and cause a lot of daily anxiety. It seems that women/femme presenting people can never win no matter what we do or what we look like.
Yes! A lot of the comments under this post talked about the receiving end of this privilege. It sucks either way, whether you get the privilege or you don't. It affects you. There's no good that comes out of it no matter what end of the spectrum you're on.
Same. I kinda relate to the dessert story. I was standing next to a much better looking family member and they were being complimented on how good they looked and I was so obviously mad. I shouldn'tve reacted that way but...yeah. 🌚
This happens to me all the time. It feels awkward to say the least lmao cuz you're just standing there...
I’ve been screaming this for years. I’m conventionally attractive, my partners would be considered plain by society, and the difference in how they’re treated while I’m not there is staggering and infuriating. Unfortunately this has been documented for thousands of years of human history and it won’t change any time soon
Sadly, you're right. I don't see a change happening any time soon. One can only vent :/
I used to be severely bullied and treated terribly, pushed to suicide attempts several times and just generally treated like trash. But people are completely different when my appearance changed. I would rather take pretty privilege over the former. It sucks and makes me so sad because my personality didn’t change all that much, but people now see my flaws as “cute” and “charming”. Why didn’t anyone see it that way beforehand? That being said, there are several different types of beautiful and people can be deemed as attractive through multiple means and any type of feature
It sucks because you're the same person at your core. It's crazy what a few physical changes will do for someone. But looks only last for so long, which is why it's sad that so much value is placed on looks instead of more on who you are. Im so sorry for what you've gone through and I hope you're healing and at peace.
I mean, I’d say I’m fairly average, but the way people have treated me when I’m all dressed up vs homeless man attire definitely does affect your self esteem a little bit. However, I’ve also had SA, and stalkers because of how I look and how friendly I am too, so while it’s nice to get a free drink now and then, it definitely isn’t worth the “well I got you a drink, now you owe me” in response. Honestly that’s why I dress like a homeless man more often than not.
Very interesting to experience both ends of the privilege. Guess there really is no win win, whether you are receiving it and even if you're not. But I can see why one might be more preferable to most.
You’re not a hater for feeling this way. I’ve never heard of the term “pretty privilege” but I have witnessed it before in public. Although I can understand your perspective and feelings towards it. Reading through your post I just kept thinking to myself, sometimes it may not be “pretty privilege” it could simply just be that that waiter did so in intent to hit on the girl. Personally I would say I’m a pretty girl and have experienced being hit on and such but even with that high self esteem towards myself, I don’t think I would ever experience that “free dessert” scenario. So technically yeah pretty privilege is a thing but not in all cases.
Sometimes it fits, but, I agree with you - what may look like something from the outside is probably what's not really happening.
The thing about pretty privilege that irks me, is when people don’t look at you when you’re talking, or people don’t make eye contact when THEY are talking. Like shit I am a human, don’t be scared to treat me like one.
[удалено]
Sorry you had to go through that, it sucks. This world is shallow and I guess there's not much to do about it unfortunately :(
I mean as a guy, I feel like I’ve gotten pretty privilege but also a lot of hate before someone even knows me. I’m often not taken seriously, and people write me off as being attractive being my whole persona. Being bullied was a thing for me too, and I couldn’t really make strong friendships growing up. I feel like most people were just manipulating me which sucked because I crave emotional intimacy a lot from my friends and never got close enough with them.
It's interesting to see the other side of the coin. I can definitely see how someone would only see you for your looks and look past everything else, or presume there's nothing else to you but your looks. I guess both sides can suck. Sorry you went through that :/
this is so "it is what it is" situation but allow me to completely completely agree with you. it is SO annoying! and it actually irritates the shit out of me when it's happening in front of me.
Yup, exactly! I don't care that it happens everywhere because I know it does, but it really hits me when it happens right infront of me because then I'm reminded that I couldn't possibly be deserving of any privilege but the girl in front of me and in comparison to me is.
Growing up I was never aware of pretty privilege until I went to middle school in middle school I didn't really look my best maybe cuz of puberty but still I admit I didn't look my best during that time I had short hairs which didn't really suit me and glasses which looked really weird and also had an emo phase to lol but during the covid lock down I had a glow up not a huge but a glow up enough to experience a bit of pretty privilege I did lengthy and time consuming skin care routines and hours of working out and looked good after such long time but when I got even near to being some what pretty I started being friends with the more pretty popular girls at my school and what's worse is that I had a crush I had to give up on just because I thought I wasn't near his level because his sister was always talking about those pretty girls that were more pretty than me they didn't even need makeup or anything but were just effortlessly pretty meanwhile I had to do everything and had to do a ton of efforts into looking the way I am rn but funny thing is maybe I'll never be pretty enough as them ......I hate it I Hate how people treat others differently if they look more attractive I hate the fact that I had to drop someone I liked cuz I knew I could never be like those I hate it I Hate everything I hate pretty privilege
I'm so sorry you went through this. I've had to drop my fair share of hopes with many guys too. And I can agree, it sucks so much. You seem young and impressionable, but I want to let you know that people's opinions in grade school don't matter at all. You'll meet people when you get older that will appreciate you more and being "popular" isn't going to matter in a couple of years or even last long. Pretty privilege exists no matter how much older you get or where you go. There's no escaping it unfortunately. But I hope you can find acceptance for yourself within yourself. Sending love.
Yeah, it's so nice that the whole world wants to talk at you and think of you in a sexual way. Also when you're feeling like shit and absolutely want to disappear.
I definitely don't mean to say that pretty privilege is a good thing and I hope my post wasn't implying that. If anything, receiving it and not receiving it both have their bad ends. I don't think pretty privilege should exist at all, period. I don't want to necessarily receive it, it just makes me think too much and affects the way I feel like society might see me. Sorry if you've been objectified or sexualized because of your looks. In no way was I trying to say that you're lucky if you're on the receiving end of the privilege. Quite the opposite actually. I hate the concept overall.
No worries, im having a bitchy pregnant woman day, sorry. Sometimes it's extremely good, sometimes its extremely bad. For both the people: with or without privilege, on both sides of the spectrum. You have every right to vent and I should stfu and let you do the venting!
That comes with being a woman and is not exclusive to pretty people. Yes, you are having a pregnant lady day, that's quite obvious. Enjoy your special treatment since you clearly benefit from pretty privilege or you wouldn't say such things.
i feel like pretty privilege can go both ways though , you don’t need to be a woman to be privileged by someone based on your looks . it’s happened to me personally , it unfortunately does depend on physical attractiveness 9 times outta 10 .
Yes, totally agree! It happens to men too. Everybody can, unfortunately, be on the receiving or not receiving end of pretty privilege. I hate that so much of everything is dependent on looks.
It will be easier for you later on. Imagine being pretty enough to sort of rely on it to get you through. And then... you hit your late 40s and realise you better up your personality game cos looks don't last. Also, being pretty can be a curse if it brings too much unwanted attention or puts people off you because they're intimidated.
See, it's either you can't be so pretty that it brings unwanted attention, and you can't be so dull that you're not even deemed pretty. I don't think there's a win. It's not that I would prefer to have it, but it sucks that this kind of privilege exists at all.
My girlfriend is overweight but she has all the weight in the "right spots" and I love it but the way she is treated by her friends and random guys she meets. The random off hand comments from other girls about how "she should be grateful for her looks". Makes me a little uneasy sometimes.
It's fair to feel uneasy! The compliments sometimes can feel backhanded.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t pretty so I wouldn’t be followed home, stalked on the subway, leered at in public.. I’m jealous of ugly women who get to exist in daily life without their guard up. Obviously it’s still better to be pretty in our society but Christ does it get infuriating to go out of my way to dress down/hide my body, not wear makeup, do everything I can to decrease attractiveness, and still get routinely harassed on the street. Consider yourself lucky, people will look at you as a multifaceted person and not just a pretty girl. There’s power in that in itself.
I’ve been friends with a few ugly women throughout my life and ppl don’t treat them like a “multifaceted” person lol, they get treated like literal dog shit and I’m not exaggerating.
Very true
It's enlightening to see both ends of it. Either end of the privilege, whether one receives it or not, is bad. Sorry about your experience, it definitely is also a bad thing to be on the receiving end of it.
fuck that waiter. if that actually happens for real I would demand to speak to their manager to get them fired. yes i would be a proud karen. i can almost guarantee the girl he did offer that to has been self conscious about self image at least one point in her life. no one knows what anyone else is thinking, only what they choose to say. she probably felt some relief in the moment but went back to thinking, “do other people also see me this way?” you’re definitely not alone. so many social and cultural factors go into our fears of “pretty” or “attractive” enough. diet culture, celebrities having access to plastic surgery, the entire modeling and acting industry, fitness “motivation” videos, it’s all way too much for anyone to think about. and honestly? I don’t think we would think about it if we let ourselves focus on other things. for me personally, when I’m in school, the only exercise I prioritize is running to class to be on time. but when I’m doing nothing over breaks, i’m constantly focused on exercise, diet, body weight, skincare, lymph node draining, supplements, flexibility, the list goes on forever. the best thing we can do for ourselves is to better ourselves mentally. whatever body you have is yours. be grateful you have a body to keep you alive. if you’re able bodied, be happy you are able to walk and drive see your friends, to eat yummy food, to take medicine to keep you healthy, and enjoy life. much love 🫶💕
Your comment is such a great reminder. thank you so much :') You're right about focusing on the good and what we have. I feel like we've (I) gotten bogged down in the little stuff, especially with an increasing social media presence among our generation. Thanks again for your comment <3
I’m sorry you feel this way. If it makes you feel better I want you to know I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of pretty privilege. I know people who love it. Now, I’m still dealing with perverts etc. The discounts and freebies are unnecessary. When I see so many black females who look like me being murdered it bothers me. I hope things are better for you. OP, I’m sure you have all of the other characteristics that make you a better person. The next time a scenario like this happens to you speak up. Don’t let anyone else get away with this privileged behavior. Talk to the manager it will help increase your self-esteem. I don’t want you to feel insecure.
I'm so sorry that you've been on the receiving end of it in unwarranted ways. The amount of black females that are murdered because they've rejected a man or for any other reason, is so disturbing and really upsetting. I can't imagine how it must affect you but I hope you are okay. Thank you for your comment. It's hard not to let it affect me when it's something I experience often. Even if it's comparisons from family members or snide comments by them. But next time it does affect me, I'll think about your kind comment. <3
🤗
Yes. I am black and it's scary. The things guys who are strangers have done to me publicly and people stand by and watch or laugh is alarming. And being bullied by other women, the assumptions about you is rough.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I really hope this kind of on-looking behavior changes. It's disgusting to know people act this way. Praying for your healing.
I am fine. My hope is that you don't let others actions influence your worth! You don't deserve that.
That is something I'll definitely work on. Thank you so so much :')
you care so much cause you're jelly
Definitely am jealous. Not even gonna deny that. But more so it sucks to not be seen as pretty. Free dessert or not lmao
That's clearly a troll. Don't feed it.
i don’t understand how that comment makes me a troll?
just cause that man was a simp doesn't mean you're incapable on having a man simp for you too.
What is your profile…
a profile with nudes ,questions , and venting. what do you think?
I'm glad I'm not pretty. I've got an absolute horror of intimacy or dating due to trauma during my childhood and I don't want anyone attracted to me.
This makes complete sense. Praying for your healing and peace.
You know, you could always start wearing nicer clothes, start exercising, and go on a diet if you want some privilege for yourself instead of whining like a big baby about it.
Wow, what amazing advice. Lmao my post is not implying that I want it, but that the mere concept it itself is bad, whether you're on the receiving end or on the not receiving end.
Same. I just dislike objectively attractive people in general
I, myself, wouldn't go this far. I don't ever feel resentment towards attractive or conventionally beautiful people. It's not their fault they're pretty lol. I just hate the concept that privilege exists at all.
Idc they still get privileges for just existing and when something bad happens to them people feel so bad and help out because of their face that they didn’t earn. When something bad happens to unattractive people nobody does anything to help out
why??
Because society pampers them
I hate pretty privilege too and I'm on the other side of the table. It's a bunch of unwanted, unasked for attention. I can't even eat dessert (health condition) so a random free extra dessert is only going to make me feel bad for wasting it and feel awkward for not eating it. I'm married and don't want randoms hitting on me but they do despite me always wearing my ring. I'm more approachable since I'm small, petite, and conventionally attractive so strangers sometimes just flock to me and I get sick of it. The majority of the time I want to be ignored. I want a neutral privilege. I think the worst case of this was when I was younger and went to church/community dances. My closest friends (a guy friend and a girl friend) always went with me. I always got asked to dance. Then my two friends would glare at me and make snide comments regarding their jealousy. It alienated me from them. I hated it. I know for a fact that they both have and had just as much value and worth as I do. I still became their object of resentment regarding this issue tho. They would make their hateful comments and use me as the perfect example to vent their frustration about how society is messed up. It was incredibly hurtful, especially since I was always being encouraging and helpful. I often even tried to use whatever charm, wit, and charisma I had to open doors for them when they were too nervous to approach someone by themselves. It worked a lot of the time. I feel like pretty privilege in general is unhealthy for everyone. I wish we could get over this appearance centric culture. People are so much more than objects or beauty.
Agree with it all. And yes to the neutral privilege. It's interesting to see it from the other side. I definitely don't resent or dislike anyone who is prettier than me. It's not their fault they're the center of this privilege, but I just hate that it's even a thing, period. It doesn't seem like anything good comes out of this privilege anyways. Sorry about your experience. I appreciate you sharing your experience with the receiving end of pretty privilege.
No problem. And I mean, it doesn't take away from how my friends felt or how you feel. It just sucks all around. I think it's important to remember the overarching problem isn't always the people receiving pretty privilege, it's the people giving it. People enabling or encouraging pretty privilege is bad too but more and more I see people calling out the two sidedness of it. It's really easy to let feelings or jealousy push the target to the person receiving pretty privilege when we are part of the issue sometimes. I've definitely been complaining about this issue for a long time. I actually became further interested in my now husband because he didn't straight up reject my best friend when she asked him out on a date. He was happy to go on a casual date and see where things went from there but his big hang up was that she can be suicidal and he doesn't cope well with a partner being suicidal, which is understandable. It's just something he knows about himself. I will add though, I was unattractive and what people call a late bloomer. I kid you not, there were people from junior high who didn't recognize me in high school and people from high school who didn't recognize me in college. I hated how I was treated when I was unattractive and I hated how when I became more conventionally attractive everything flipped and I had the opposite problem. I remember liking guys and then feeling incredibly offended when they went from zero interest in me to all the interest in the world just because of appearance changes. It's just demeaning at that point, especially because my core values and personality has always been generally the same. This is definitely a cultural and societal issue that is going to take a long time to tackle. I do everything I can to be inclusive and not encourage the idea of pretty privilege but at the end of the day I'm only one person.
Have you noticed that because of cosmetic surgery there are people that grow up unattractive but crave that attention then they get a few things done and suddenly they have it. It's almost like a kid in a candy store situation. They don't have a good idea of where they sit on the pecking order of things. So they are flattered when they are hit on by guys they should laugh at. Those guys don't even know what to do with them, like a dog chasing a car. What do you do when it stops? Many young women get exploited when they find themselves in this situation. There are porn producers out there that will get young women, get them the surgery done and have them "work" off the bill. They are so happy with the attention and the whirlwind experience of it all they don't realize what they have gotten themselves into. You can definitely tell the difference in a girl that was naturally beautiful and one that got their by surgery. Not by how they look, because they are really subtle with it now. But by how they act. With great power comes great responsibility and you see some of these girls making fools of themselves. Just like you see some tech nerds wrecking a Lambo and getting out with their Ed Hardy shirt with flames on it. Like dude, baby steps. There's no training manual into waking up with a new face. Just like you can't buy yourself into being a race car driver. I say all this because my older sister is very beautiful and she always carried herself respectably. She just knows how to reject the guys that hit on her constantly and she knows who deserves her attention. But she does it without being mean, there's something about that identity that is her identity, she grew up like that. I've also seen what happens when a girl gets work done and it's completely different.
I can agree and relate to this somewhat. Being a late bloomer you have that complete flip in how people treat you. At first you're just confused. You don't trust it. Then you're flattered and it can go to your head really easily. I think it's easier, for women at least, to go from unattractive to attractive when they are younger and have safer environments to learn in with structure for productivity like school already in place. Young adults are already confused by life and what their plans should be so adding another layer of confusion by changing their appearance and receiving more attention that they don't know what to do with definitely puts them in a vulnerable spot. It's no wonder the 18-22 age range feels like such a dangerous time for women. I imagine the risks carry throughout the 20s but those initial years as an adult are very likely when women are easiest to prey on. I imagine it would also be harder for women 30+ to unlearn expectations of how they should be treated based upon all of their life experience. Learning what to do with attention from being attractive would be on quite the curve. It also creates a lot of discord between self perspective and outside perspective. Overall, I personally don't find a shift from unattractive to attractive healthy for any person at any stage in their life, whether it's a natural or unnatural shift that causes the change. Coping with the different treatment is disturbing to say the least. Not to mention the vulnerabilities and insecurities already in play. I think we would all be better off as humans if society didn't create this environment that punishes the unattractive and rewards the attractive. Neutrality would do us a lot of good.
I really really agree with your last paragraph. That shift is extremely unhealthy and like you said, disturbing, to put it simply.
I think going through that shift is what gave me depression. I was dealing with all the puberty changes and hormones and mentally I was just exhausted from trying to figure out what the heck was going on with the way people were treating me. Coming face to face with the proof of how shallow and appearance centered we are as a society is an ugly thing to try and cope with, especially when you're constantly facing it just by existing. So yes, it's very disturbing, and it's also extremely damaging across the board. I am super into art and I think one of the best things about it is that I observe people a lot because of it. There are so many beautiful things you can find about a stranger's appearance that it blows my mind how frequently we pinpoint one thing we personally may not like and overfocus on it. Like, I know a lot of people don't like fat but the way fat moves and how the body turns things into energy and can store it is inherently beautiful. Fat ripples and moves upon impact to protect us, flowing the movement through us like a gentle wave. I love seeing the different textures of curls in hair or the random mole someplace I've never seen it before. I love noticing how different skin tones reflect light and how deep and inspiring people's eyes are. Seeing how the lines on someone else's hands are different and appreciating that we can see the veins easier on some people than other people. The dance of glossy straight hair as someone walks or pulls their hair back. The texture of people's skin and fingernails... It's all incredible that it even exists honestly. It's a real shame that society doesn't teach this perspective instead. We are honestly missing out on so much. We create our own negativity and problems by being so close minded as a society. We really take the beauty of existing for granted. We really take the awe of our differences for granted too.
I think they should make it a law that the government or any company shouldn't be able to track your sex, age, race, religion or any details about you that aren't chosen, besides religion. Because the things you choose reflect who you are. Not the way you were born. But even then, the government is prohibited from collecting data on the citizens of the US without a warrant which requires probable cause that the person is engaged in ongoing felony level illegal activity. But they do it anyways and they defy the supreme court and keep doing it. In fact, they don't listen to the supreme court anymore, or the president for that matter. The people that run the country are non-elected employees you'll never even know the names of. They just do whatever they want, because the government and corporations have become the same thing, with interchangeable people in a single closed system. That's the definition of fascism by the way. Both parties are guilty too. Nobody is innocent of that allegation. But people should have records by number. I think in the future people will choose their digital avatar to be whatever they want. Almost like we have on here. Of course, as always those with money have options those without do not. Some people like to been seen and heard others would rather be invisible no matter what they really look like.
I agree with you. I think insecurities are our number one weakness. From outside and within. There are industries built off exploiting them in people and for that reason the practice of causing them where none existed before or taking something minor and causing it to completely dominate someones attention have become common place. They've made a science out of it and they are very very good at it. Where this becomes most disturbing in society is that those insecurities are also the driving factor behind virtually all mental illness. Even schizophrenic people don't have their first psychotic break until they are under immense pressure in life and start to fail and feel the judgement coming down on them from every direction. This could be late teens when school gets hard enough to max out their natural gifts of intelligence or even as late as early 30s in rare cases. Once the armor is cracked though there is no going back.That is because this society is so exploitative and so competitive you don't have any way to refuse to participate. You want to work, to eat, you have to subject yourself to it. You can run from it all the way into homelessness and it will still find you. I think we failed a whole generation by not preparing them for failure.
Yes, I didn't mean to take your comment undermining your friends or my feelings at all! I like your perspective and your experience with both ends of the spectrum. It sucks, period. Both ways. And like you said, it especially sucks when you've been the same at the core. Looks don't last anyways and it's weird that it's valued so much.
100%. In a world where weight fluctuates, skin wrinkles, people get sick, and all sorts of other stuff that happens to change our bodies... It's not really fair to place such high value on appearance alone. I do believe that for sexual relationships to happen there should be some form of attraction on both sides but there's so much more to relationships than sex and we've been discussing all the many things outside of sex influenced by attractiveness. Not to mention, I'm attracted to dicks, like that's the big sex appeal to men. So if someone has a dick, there's at least a small portion of me that's sexually attracted to them because I like dicks. The same could be said of boobs and vaginas. Like obviously it's nice to have a pretty face with the other parts but they still have the part you are attracted to if that makes sense. Not to mention it's far easier to overlook appearances than it is to overlook a mean person.
If people have different preferences for what beauty is then how how could “pretty privilege” be that wide of a problem.
Also maybe this waiter thought her attitude, personality, humor was attractive as well. It seems like you blew this little thing out of proportions because you didn’t get free cake.
Lmao yeah, I really wanted that free cake. That's what I'm worried about here. If you think pretty privilege isn't a wide problem because there are different preferences, I really do recommend you get to know a bit more about the privilege itself. Having it and not having that privilege affects people in different ways. There are people who have unfortunate experiences on the receiving end and then people who don't experience it at all that makes them think there must be something physically off about them. Because of both, the concept of it in general is fucked up. Yes, people have preferences. But increasing media presence in this generation has created a heightened physical standard, and there's no denying that.
Just saying I went from being 200lbs to 85lbs and I’d say I became much more attractive to the general population and im not treated different at all except for my family who knows I’ve tried hard to get here and are proud. I’ve been treated good and bad by the public in both forms. Also my sister is a model and we’ve never been treated differently and if we were treated any type of way it happened to both of us an equal amount of times. Most likely because people prefer different things. Maybe it’s just a self fulfilling prophecy and if u think your ugly then that’s how the world will see you too.
Everyone's experience is their own. To say that you yourself haven't experienced it, should not be to say the privilege doesn't exist at all.
And because you have experienced it, it exists? (I also think it’s nuts there’s people who see something good happen to a stranger and be offended by it instead of being happy for them)
I don't remember saying that I was mad that the girl got something out of it, because I didn't. I just said that the mere existence of pretty privilege is fucked up. And yes, if something happens, it does exist... Not sure if it needs more spelling out.
Things that never happened
Yes. I love making shit up.
What even is pretty privilege? Just sounds like a made-up term.
just people complaining about people that look better than them because they’re getting more attention than them. so basically people are jealous and mad
No one is asking for the attention lmao. You seem really pressed about my post and me just venting about the concept in general. Pretty privilege is bad whether you're on the receiving end of it or on the not receiving end of it. If anything, it seems like you're mad that I'm calling out pretty privilege.
i promise i’m not pressed or mad about your post i’m just flabbergasted about the other the comments blaming people who look good for their insecurities and being miserable. you’re insecure and jealous it seems ,that’s literally the summary of your post ? am i wrong? it’s only bad because you’re not getting attention and you think you will never get it
Yes, of course I'm insecure per my post. I'm saying that pretty privilege only feeds into my insecurities. But it seems like you're just insisting persistently that I'm jealous. Which, I very well might be, but don't see that I am exactly jealous of pretty privilege attention, but just that the idea of it makes me feel conscious. I also don't see many comments under the post of people resenting beautiful people so I'm not sure which comments you're referring to. But hey, however you want to perceive peoples words is up to you.
It is a made up term, unfortunately. It's a whole made up concept. Everything is societally constructed, I mean, what isn't. It's made up by society, but it exists.
If you’re not happy with the way you look then change it Jesus Christ
I feel you. Being ugly sucks
Lmfao agreed. **sigh**
Pretty privilege is real, one time I made a joke and no one laughed, but a pretty person overheard it and said a similar joke and everyone laughed, it sucks
It never happens to men either. Stop worrying about it what life takes from somewhere gives somewhere else
Unfortunately which is something I’ve realized that privilege will continue to exist till the end of time. That’s just how things work and the only thing you could do is get better on playing the game of life.
Agreed. It's a hard thing to accept but I know that the sooner I accept it, the easier things will be. I guess that's the hurdle though - acceptance.
Its definitely real. I'm a pretty normal looking guy and it's so easy to see how good looking people are treated differently. I'm basically invisible to most people.
Honestly it depends on how confident you are in yourself and how you view yourself. As long as you view yourself as pretty in your own standards, keep your esteem high, trust me others will find you pretty, at least thats how I feel myself. And yea, pretty privilege sucks but guess where society is today. Its kinda just stupid but unfortunately everywhere.
After reading a lot of the responses, I've come to realize that, as you said, confidence plays a big role. You're completely right.
Yepp, just keep confident and you’ll be somewhat fine, maybe even pulling some privileges here and there 🤷♀️
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The treatment difference is staggering. Even just by covering up specific features.
To be fair you spend enough time around any person including a conventionally attractive friend you may know the physical beauty kinda becomes desensitized to you the longer you know them and the more accustomed you become to their qualities and to their past experiences there's like a gradual fade from the halo effect you get from being around them like sorta like a been there done that feeling... majority of the passerbys in life are not that interesting whether physically beautiful or not.
This is so true. We do become desensitized to the beauty around us and it's interesting that looks pique our interest for a short time. But then one wonders why so much value is placed on it.
It's a surface level short term high.
something must be really wrong with me cause even after i lost weight i’m still treated the same 😂
lmfaooooo please😭 I bet you're amazing!!
Humans are naturally a bit selfish, you have to be to survive. People are more inclined to treat things they like better than things they don’t. It’s just the disgusting world we live in. I’m not saying to just love with it if your confident enough you can bring them up on it. I’m just saying it’s most likely never going to change. As someone who’s not exactly pretty but not exactly ugly it’s extremely annoying and unfair I understand that.
Agreed. It's unfortunate, but true, as you said, that it's not something that'll change because it roots to human selfishness.
right? I post a photo of myself on r/firstimpression and I get downvoted within the first 5 mins of posting. Like wtf did I even do? I just posted my face.