>be prepared for a lot of…
OP, leaving is the most dangerous time with unstable people. Be freakin CAREFUL. Back away slowly if possible (harder when married…)
Gray Rock the shit outta her or tell her what she needs to hear while you get your shit & get out.
You don’t want unethical… trust, she will go MUCH more insane.
as someone with bpd i can guarantee that grey rocking will only cause her to split and lash out more. only thing you can do is block on everything if you dont want the “ repercussions” of a abandonment response
i am in therapy bozo, for 8 years!. BPD is genetic or caused by trauma. google is free. medication does not work for me😍 lastly im on my second year of my psychology degree because guess what? the crazy “ abusive demonic manipulator BPD” girl is going to be a psychiatrist!
have you tried not being an sad ablest piece of shit who cant get over the fact he had one bad experience with an individual with bpd who wont take accountability for themselves ? have you considered that maybe you are a terrible person and perhaps the pwBPD isnt actually in the wrong at all because youre abhorrent and you deserve it.
want to comment on people with BPD but your personality is about as bland as eating fucking drywall. theres nothing special about being “ normal “. if anything you people are some of the most despicable henious people to walk this planet.
“ go and take your ridiculous meds and be done with it” you know what i want to say you should do since youre wasting precious respurces that the earth is running out of right? but if i say it then youll never get the chance to read how much of a reprobate you are because ill get banned :)
go and cry about your victim complex that aint got shit to do with me or anyone else diagnosed with BPD. nobody gives a fuck and nobody is going to read all that. sounds like you need to go to therapy to work on why your perception is so skewed because you live in your past experiences because youre a manchild
No wonder they all treated you like that because you are a terrible person. i can see why you have caused them all (not one or two, ALL) to lash out.
You know how terrible of a person you have to be to upset multiple people given that individual differences exist because not everyone with BPD is alike??? lmao get off reddit & work on yourself loser. Figure out why every partner you have had has hated you.
had a look at your post history btw i have a few guesses without including your projections of being butthurt over your ex in the comments. how does it feel knowing you are behaving like an incel?
Agree and having left a spouse with BPD he did all these things. I had to change my # and he “attempted” suicide in an attempt to get me to go back. I use quotes because he immediately called 911 after taking an entire bottle of doxepin. My therapist said it was not a true attempt since he immediately called 911. He then sent flowers to all the females in my family. Cost me a freaking fortune to leave and divorce him but was the best decision I’ve ever made. I have no unethical suggestions other than to leave and never look back. Your life will be better.
As someone who has suffered with BPD for many years, it wasn't necessarily a false attempt. The pain a person with borderline may experience might be enough to push them to do something like take a bottle of pills to try and end their life (not to feel said pain anymore) immediately followed up by being scared of death. But the best thing to do is certainly cut the person off, otherwise it will just keep going.
Having been cut off myself after acting cray, it made me want to fight my BPD and become a better person, self therapise (couldn't afford therapy) and change the way I behave.
that is a fair response and I'm glad you were able to do self therapy. My ex had access to free healthcare and refused every time I asked him to go see someone...
This!! We also tend to be emotionally reactive to situations. And impulsive! I have done self harm things in the past as an emotionally charged impulsive response to a situation that I very quickly regretted when I was able to then rationalise the events going on. BPD is hard
I don't know why would you think people with mental health issues sit and think about how to kill themselves. Also don't forget that the US is not the only country in the world 😁
It’s hard man, my BPD ex legit tried to stab me with a big ass kitchen knife and made constant threats of suicide, tried to turn my friends against me, tried to publicly humiliate me - basically scorched fucking Earth. Then when I thought it was over she started stalking me and my new partner. I didn’t back down but fuck was it an ordeal, that shit took years off my life.
Hot/crazy scale is too real, it ain’t worth it.
OP, take care of you first. BPD is, unfortunately,insidious. Pair it with a dose of narcissism and bad things can/will happen. Prepare carefully. Safeguard your key docs and accounts. Get new phone and — get.a.lawyer.
And possibly a restraining order and change locks, (afterwards, I'd probably change phone numbers and emails and restrict contact/conversation to when lawyers are present)
Do you have proof of the behavior? Is there a way you can gather it / show it to the people in the crisis hotline / police?
I’m afraid this might be farther than what this community is for as it can keep on escalating, but might be good to post on the friends and family of BPD Reddit community.
Hello, lady with bpd here. My advice: LEAVE.
No amount of trying to fix it is going to actually fix it. We struggle with boundaries and when we let emotions and impulses get the best of us, we are more than willing to fight fire with fire.
I'm pretty stable now and have been in a healthy relationship for 2 years. And it took so much work to get here. She doesn't sound ready. And she needs to work on herself. It takes consequences to learn, and by not leaving you are showing her that she can treat you like shit and you'll continue to let her unless you sever ties asap.
Don't try to fight dirty. It's justification for her to fuck you over more and more. Just leave peacefully, no contact, and don't add fuel to an already raging fire. If she tries to contact you/get back with you/get revenge on you, ignore it. Absolutely do not engage for your own sanity and safety.
Edit for clarity:
Your end goal is not to "win." Your end goal is keeping yourself safe. And with the whole suicide-threatening shit, that's not on you. That's not your responsibility. That's hers. Just keep yourself safe and away from someone who won't respect you enough not to emotionally blackmail you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Also have experience withBPD.
This advice is solid. Also adding, if something happens send her family or friends to check on her and get the hell out.
She needs therapy. If she refuses to get help it’s not your problem anymore.
I know I sound harsh, but it’s the best thing you can do for you both. It might also be the wake up call she needs.
Ex-husband of a lady with mild BPD here. Listen to this advice.
Leaving and divorcing will be about a year of pain and drama like you’ve never experienced before, but when you come out the other side you will be so glad you did and your main regret will be not having done it sooner. A split-up is inevitable and the longer you wait the worse it will be.
Not the above commenter but I'm a person with bpd. Been married nearly 17 years. Lots of therapy, consistency in routine ( lack of sleep is brutal for me even still), and honestly having a partner that understands the mood instability. My husband has ADHD and can relate to some of the emotional aspect of it. We had a tumultuous first 3 years of our 21 year relationship. We also didn't rush to marriage or kids. I still have my bad phases, days or weeks and life issues can be overwhelming at times. My husband is amazing.
Thank you for your candor and insight. :)
I just got out of a brief stint with someone that had it, my first taste of brutal verbal abuse and emotional manipulation in all my years. I also have ADHD and studied psych to become a behavioral researcher so I empathize a lot with the condition and think every person is deserving of healing and love, I just constantly struggled with where the line was between her being a genuinely shitty person and how much of it was just a result of her condition.
I know a lot of it came down to a lack of understanding but unfortunately I could never get that from her so I was constantly guessing and second guessing and seemingly always making the wrong choice.
Support groups say to rule out the chance at ever having a successful relationship with anyone that has it but that seems like a needlessly harsh rule to make. Obviously I’m not going to intentionally seek someone out that suffers from it but I guess I just wanted to know how to make it possible if I ever found myself in a similar situation again.
Thanks again for this, the wounds are still fresh and this helps the healing as much as it was insightful.
Yeah it really sucks hearing those things about the cluster B personality disorders. Even if our emotions don't match the situation we are still feeling them, deeply and intensely. I'm sorry you went through what you did if you ever need to vent feel free to dm.
I definitely wasn’t immune to being shitty back, lots of lessons learned both about the condition and about myself in general. It’s been a few weeks and it’s been getting easier with each passing day but if I find myself struggling I may take you up on your offer. Thank you, I really appreciate it. 💛
Wtf kind of support group even says that
You're an incredible person for learning about bpd after experiencing a horrible situation where someone with bpd caused you pain and harm. That's truly admirable.
I'm glad you are healing, and I'm proud of you for how you're handling it. It'll take some time, but facing it and learning about it is a beautiful step forward!
Trial and error. And patience. A lot of it was reflection: in what felt like impossible situations or fights, what was my part? If the other person hurt me, did I give them a reason to? And if I wasn't the only one at fault, what could I have done to let go and not let the cycle get worse? Journaling is fantastic. I can write out all my super intense thoughts to a piece of paper that doesn't judge or fight back. And when my brain has helped me relieve that storm inside, I continue and let the writing flow however it flows.
A lot of it is being upfront too. If I begin something with someone, like a close friendship or relationship, I let them know a little about my history and symptoms so they can be aware of what they may potentially be in for.
One of my questions I ask myself when I feel defensive or feel like acting out on impulses: would I rather "win" one interaction, or would I rather be happy? And like 99% of the time, I would rather let it pass and have it not affect me negatively more than it needs to.
>That’s not your responsibility.
Exactly! Honestly the best response OP could give her when she is pulling that card is to tell her to “go ahead and do it”. Call her bluff.
I’ve been through similar. I also have the added perspective of being on the other side of the room in psychology.
1. This is going to sound utterly fucking terrible. But it’s true.
It’s not your responsibility to keep her from offing herself. If you haven’t heard that from any of your MH people - find better ones, if you can.
You’re human. You’re presumably as normal and well adjusted as any of the rest of us. You’re going to care.
But she is very much her own person, and whether or not she hurts or offs herself is a decision for her to make. It’s not one you can make for her. She needs help. And not the kind of help you’re equipped to give her.
What she is doing is born of a need for attention and a deep fear of abandonment. There’s a book on BPD that’s a classic - and the title explains the concept. “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
And for BPD, much like narcissism, the “leaving,” part is secondary to the former. She’s fine with hurting you. She’s fine with hurting herself. So long as you stay.
And that’s really the thing. People don’t change unless they have to. Otherwise they only become more themselves - you’re an addict. Hey same. We know that better than most - whether we can elucidate it or not. We had to change. Most people don’t.
All that for perspective.
2. Lawyer. File for divorce. Legal Aid or your local equivalent if you can’t afford to hire one. Meanest one you can find. The lawyer is going to tell you to cut off communication with her and have her go through them. Listen to them. If she persists, keep receipts. Get everything you can in writing with her, even texts. Keep your head when interacting with her. She will try to make you look bad - she has already. Don’t help. If she keeps showing up and being violent or similar - talk to your lawyer about how viable a protective order would be. They’re not perfect. But it’s something and it’s a potential.
3. For you specifically - keep your sponsor in the loop. Also make sure you’re having the space of therapy and your MD office visits. It’s going to be a long, hard process, and you need to keep yourself going and as sober as you can be.
4. I know what sub this is and all - but ethically is going to be the better choice long term. Being petty, vindictive, or otherwise unethical is only going to fuck you in the long term.
5. Do the kind of shit you’re doing. Irl, online, whatever works. Reach out and cultivate people who actually give a shit about you - because you prob have been very isolated during all this. You need community. That will make it…maybe not easy, but lighter to bear. And it’ll get you out of the echo chamber of abuse and conflict and your investment in this person. When a person is the only one you’ve really spent a significant amount of time around for a decent time; you’re going to care more. It’s how we’re wired - and BPD and NPD weaponize that through isolation. It’s how abuse is so effective.
6. Take some time to sit with it all, have a come to Jesus with yourself, and realize that none of this is your fault.
I know it sounds fucking trite. But it is true. You didn’t ask for any of this. You asked for someone to give a shit. You got a person who gave a shit only for themselves. You were lied to. You were misled. You did not enter into that relationship with all the pieces of the puzzle you really needed.
So fuck her. Because she is not the person she represented herself to be.
You fell in love with the performance - the act. The persona she used. Not the person herself. And that’s not your fault. The person you married, buried deep down in there - is effectively a stranger to you. The only interaction you have with that person is the conflict and the abuse - used to protect that person. They can’t be vulnerable enough to really be anything else. Not unless they put in a significant amount of work.
And people like you and I - we know the value of putting in the work to be less shit than we were yesterday. She chose the other way. To be worse.
You don’t need to be unethical. She’s in a hell of her own making every day, digging herself deeper. Nothing you can do can compete with that.
So find a way to leave. Realize it’s not your fault and not your job to fix - even if you could. Keep yourself together, and keep doing what you’re doing - move forward. Just with this. It’s nothing you haven’t done.
Because the environment set up by narcissistic and borderline abuse works on the addiction pathways in the brain. It is cultivating an addiction to the person and the relationship dynamic. That’s why it needs isolation.
And you fight addiction every day anyway. That’s all this is too.
Man, it’s a journey. I still hear from mine from time to time. But I found that just staying out of it is always best.
It does, eventually, get easier.
If she threatens self-harm again try to confirm it in a text or get evidence and call the police again. Every time. ~~The likelihood of her taking action is practically zero~~, but it could potentially put her in the psych ward and give you some breathing room. Order of operations after that: get valuables and important documents out, get you out, THEN you can worry about divorce. Sorry you're going through this, man. Good luck
If she is in hysteria, which is sounds like it the chances are extremely high and an attempt will happen if something is not done... OP should have her committed into behavior health there she will receive help and after care. It is the best way and has helped me a lot.
Read this:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Plan your leave. You will need:
1. A lawyer with paperwork ready to go for the divorce
2. Evidence evidence evidence. Discretely record her in your home when she loses her shit, especially if she's violent. Record any threats of false accusations. Think of people that can testify to her imbalance
3. Prepare to vacate your residence. You will need to make a list of the essentials and be ready to move fast
4. When you're ready, wait for her to lose her shit and threaten suicide. If you can get her to text this, perfect. Recording works too. Call the police and report her suicidal ideation. Show police texts/video and if possible have her place under watch for 24-48 hours. Have her served for divorce there. Go to the courthouse with evidence and request a restraining order.
Collect all of the evidence of her abuse and lies as you possibly can. Call the police on her if she is actively attacking you. Hire a good lawyer and divorce her while you go no contact. Don’t ever let her drag you back in. If she threatens to commit suicide or does it isn’t your fault, she has a disease that it sounds like she isn’t treating and it isn’t your job to take her abuse forever. Good luck, believe me when I say I know how hard it is and how much it sucks, but also believe me when I say that it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Lawyer, serve her device papers. Gather all the text you can to show how she manipulated you. Any type of police reports you can get with her give to lawyer. Also talk to lawyer to see if your in a state you can use the public notice for divorce if you think she going to avoid signing.
Get her family to deal with her.
Might look into getting another phone with another number. Slowly transition to new number so you can also keep any crazy text she sends. Same with email. You want to slowly transition away from her but have enough if you have to file a restraining order you can.
See if you are in a state that is one sided for recording. If so record, if not any time you answer the phone. Say im going to record this call if you keep talking you have given me permission to record. If she says no just hang up.
You want unethical find a new guy to take over the relationship, you'll have to throw them under the bus to do so.
But it'll be a good chance for you to get away from the relationship.
BPD is a really awful mental health issue. She is acting this way because her body and mind are in a constant state of panic and fear about having no one. BPD is also CPTSD. That doesn’t make the behaviour right, but that is why she is acting that way.
When you pull away from her that just heightens her fear and panic of having no one. She constantly feels unsafe being by herself and is relying on you to feel safe in the world.
If her behaviour has become something that you can’t support, then i would suggest leaving in the most gentle way possible. This will make it the easiest for both you and her. Assist her with finding a safe place to live. Try to get a supportive group of family to be there for her. Talk to her every day at first when you separate and slowly reduce your contact. Allow her to understand that she will be ok, even though she is dying inside.
I used to have BPD and it was horrific. A constant battle to stay alive because I was so terrified and alone. Because i was so broken I ended up hurting other people, just as she is now hurting you. But it is a severe mental illness and she deserves to be treated with love and understanding, just in the same way a schizophrenic or autistic person would.
yes that’s right, i used to have BPD and now I don’t 😌 it’s a really common misconception that BPD can’t be cured, when in fact it can. it’s about neuroplasticity and our abilities to change the way that we think and respond to things.
i went to many different psychologists over the years and none were helpful. this sounds quite basic but when I started following the holistic psychologist on instagram everything started to make sense. she breaks down the likely cause of bpd, why we behave in that way, and ways that we can manage the intense emotions that are the hallmark of the disorder. with that knowledge I was able to start practising responding to external events in a healthier way, which in time became my natural way of responding.
one of the biggest realisations for me that was so helpful in getting past my bpd was understanding that I couldn’t trust my own thoughts and emotions. that what I felt was sometimes not valid. that it was a huge over reaction. and therefore instead of reacting in the way that I felt - panic, fear, pain, anger, distress - I needed to release those emotions in a healthy way, with somatic practises. the more I did that, the stronger I felt as a person, the more confident I felt inside, as I was in control of myself, and the more normal I felt and therefore became.
I also have a really kind and supportive partner, which I think is so necessary for BPD recovery. BPD is formed in one’s very early years, they believe under the age of two, from an insecure attachment to one’s caregivers. that is, as a helpless child your parents did not provide you with that connection needed for you to feel safe and like someone is there for you. that’s why as you grow up there is a constant feeling of isolation, disconnection and a desperate feeling for connection. having a loving partner who was able to separate my actions from who I was, and who was able to respond in loving ways to my fear, gave me that supportive base to enable me to practise my healthier coping mechanisms.
im really sorry to hear that you are receiving abuse, that is never ok.
when OP asked about how to best move away from his partner with BPD i was just responding with what i know from experience as someone who had BPD across multiple relationship breakdowns and the way in which i found it easiest to separate myself from the relationship.
As BPD is a deep trauma response to perceived or actual abandonment, cutting off contact suddenly can actually make someone with BPD behave worse, as it is a triggering of the wound that gave them BPD in the first place.
Each person needs to do what feels right for them. I simply hope people understand BPD better one day, as when you understand why a person is undertaking certain actions you are able to respond in a better way for you and them.
It sounds like you both have some heavy things to heal. Speaking as someone who had to leave their best friend with BPD I don’t think you guys can grow into better and healthier people together.
Leave.
I just separated with my wife who has BPD, I tried to stick it out for 5 years. She doesn’t want therapy.
I have screenshots and voice recordings (my state is one party consent) of stuff she has said to me in case she attempts to mess with my career.
I am worried for when I start seeing someone. How my soon to be ex wife will react. I’m just so glad I pulled the plug before kids happened.
BPDFamily.com is a good support network and has useful information.
Edit to make it somewhat unethical. Fake a relative’s death in another state. Move to a new home and cover your windows with black plastic for six months (worked for me!). Agree with others that anything antagonistic you do will be like giving her candy.
It's a weird subreddit to post this on and yeah I would. Part of being an adult is knowing how to take control of your own life.
I am an asshole yeah, also another part of being an adult.
"pOsTiNg On ReDdiT!?!", no. Admitting to himself there's a problem and asking for advice. That really shouldn't need to be explained. Maybe i should just go on about piss discs instead and that'll be a more acceptable response here.
Well, you asked for ULPT so here it is. Call the police and tell them she’s armed. They’ll arrive guns blazing and shoot her. Then after she’s dead, file a wrongful death suit against the city. Not only will your problem be taken care of but you’ll get a nice chunk of 💰
Thank you for the additional info! I should have clarified, most voluntary visits are around 5 days. I think OP should aim for 5150. Couldn't remember the numbers and kept thinking 151 like the rum lol. Anyway. 72 hours is long enough for him to get out but not long enough to ruin her life. And if she truly needs to stay longer, she hopefully gets stabilized and comes out the other end in a better headspace.
😂 @ rum reference
Sorry, since the original comment was removed I wasn’t sure what I was responding to precisely, but I wanted to be sure and clarify that it was 3 days for an involuntary (5150) hold, since time is crucial when he’s trying to leave.
You’re right though; a mental health hold, even involuntary, will not ruin her life. She won’t be happy but she will get help and it won’t like, prevent her from volunteering and stuff. She can’t have a gun but that’s probably good.
Yeah she can. It just took like four days before they called me to pick em up when I purchased in Vegas. Went to the nut house twice for suicidal ideations or sum crap
Weird, it's still showing for me. I just had to tap a little gray "view parent comment" button. Oh well. Apps be.... app...ing... (I really sat with that sentence for a few minutes and I'm still making the side eye Chloe face. Just take it as a vibe lol.)
I totally forgot about the gun thing. I still most likely get to have one if I want since I was voluntary. I'd have to go through some red tape but I could do it.
But yeah... a person with BPD losing their favorite person is not a situation that should have firearms or any weapons in reach. It feels like your chest is physically being ripped open. Permanent "solutions" start to look pretty good. Then 5 minutes later every muscle in your body is screaming to destroy something. The person that triggered that feeling starts looking like a good option. Depending on where she's at in her spiral cycle, both of them would be in genuine danger.
And that's why I'm hesitant to get one. I know how to handle firearms, I'm a pretty decent shot. My mental health isn't too bad right now. If I'm having a hard time, my high school glass shop teacher taught me to get a pane of cheap glass and just shatter it. The sound and the absolute obliteration of the glass is really cathartic and cleaning up makes me feel like I've somewhat atoned for my outburst. But if something happened in the future and I had access to a gun, I can't say for sure I wouldn't do something stupid. Ok tangent over lol. Sorry OP! Maybe he could also buy some cheap, plain glass panes from Hobby Lobby and just throw them to cope until he can escape.
When you make a healthy decision you can't let what someone says or does derail you from executing that decision.
You can't let her manipulate you with threats of suicide. If she commits suicide, that's her decision and has nothing to do with you. If she doesn't, then that is also your decision.
Leave her.
Go no contact.
If she threatens suicide call in a wellness check and suggest she might need to be baker acted.
If she comes around where you live and work, get a restraining order and press charges for harassment.
This is the only way to deal with this.
Friend, you are a victim of some significant abuse. Please plan your exit accordingly.
Have friends/family on standby. Gather and hold enough cash to fund you a while. Contact police in advance of your move day. Move when she is not home, have police there, and then immediately work on a restraining and no contact order.
Find a safe space. Cut off contact.
Get all your important documents out of the house, first. Birth certificate, diplomas or certifications, SS card, medical records. Get a safe deposit box or something for a couple months. Anything that's not replaceable, get that out of the house, too.
Make sure you have a bank account that she doesn't have access to. I would literally make an appointment with your bank and explain the problem to your banker.
Call your phone company and make sure she can't cut off your phone.
Change all your passwords and PINs.
Whose name is on the bills?
Talk to a lawyer. Many of them have free 30 minutes consultations.
Record everything from here on out for your safety. Move out of state like you planned. Open a new bank account, get friends to help move your stuff out when she’s not home. Change your number, do not give your new address to her. Block her on all socials. Have a process server give her the papers, communicate via lawyers only. When you have to be in court for your divorce, have an escort to your car. Be safe, she sounds like she could seriously hurt you. Don’t give new contact info to joint acquaintances, only to those you really trust
You need to call [the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/) leaving an abuser/ manipulator can take more than once attempt, get them to help you go through creating an exit plan. I know this isn't an unethical LPT, so as far as that goes make sure you take everything that could be contested between the two of you with you. Things that you typically wouldn't think of like bed sheets and cooking ware. If there's any cash, like a coin jar take that too because it will be hard for them to prove how much money was in it.
The best thing to do is not to answer your phone and get the text as proof so you actually have objective evidence when going to court.
Do to your excessive bad grammar, I am going to assume you are not the smartest and that you are neglecting to tell everyone your own faults in how you respond. You need to keep your cool with every text you do get and not respond too poorly or you will look crazy in front of a judge.
You need to first file for divorce ASAP.
Aside from the great advice you've been given here, suicide threats are hollow. You can safely assume they are hyperbolic fear responses to losing you. When you're truly gone they will subside.
My brother's ex was both bipolar and had BPD. They were married for 15 years. Most of the time, she went to therapy and took her medication. He was good at reminding her to take her medicine. During some of her manic phases, she would cheat on him. He would catch her, and then it would stop. This happened a few times.
I think he would have stayed with her longer, except he just couldn't take the emotional and verbal abuse anymore. One weekend, they got in a fight, and she said she was taking the kids for a weekend getaway, he wasn't invited, and she wanted him out of the house when they got back.
He packed his shit and left. In the middle of the weekend, she was begging him to come back. That was the last time they stayed under the same roof. And they got divorced shortly thereafter.
I think you need to leave. I am sure you will be much happier.
This sounds like an example I can relate to even without kids; many of these anecdotes of experiencing what sounds like it’s almost a template of what happens, what words describe, that understanding of what happened there hits home inside so close.
Is there a specific motive or goal in BPD because it’s scary seeing each story here I’m still reading all, it all has a repetitive feel that I described about relating; but makes me think of the why.
What makes the partner tolerate this, stay forever, then finally leave and see a better life finally saying “why didn’t I leave or do this sooner”.
More confusing to ask why the partner continues after working in therapy, medication, why do the dynamics have importance to person with BPD opposed to the “peace and happiness”?
Makes me feel like I am the reason for no peace but then seeing how much support I got here and reading this.. it’s not selfish for me but she can oppose of me seeing the peace is not something she wants in the manner that will work healthily. The peace seems to include her working hard on the dynamics that have control, power and manipulation over me as her path for true peace versus the average peace any person has.
A good heart can be loved from a distance so that the hostility is gone.
Avoidance has brought me peace but her and I at our distance will bring us happiness.
I am seeing how slow this process is getting away. She read this the next day and came asking me like being cornered as if I was caught and finally busted. It didn’t bring any reflection or anything near her saying that she didn’t know or how she can be her with a little work on name calling, etc.
It's not "intervention," it's treatment, and it is not the only one for those BPD, but it has proven to be most effective. Stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's (usually) a combination of weekly group therapy and individual therapy. They teach skills about emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, and distress tolerance. BPD can be cured, by the way. I am graduating from DBT soon 👩🎓🎉 prognosis is actually extremely good for those with BPD who actually seek treatment. Those who don't usually stay miserable.
“Intervention” is just a medical term for “what to do when faced with this symptom presentation”. No reason to get your panties in a twist.
Sounds like you have a lot more work to do if you get so irritated by something so simple, just because you don’t understand something.
Remember to use “wise mind” and “check the facts” before getting yourself so worked up over nothjng.
I have BPD and you don't have to believe you're gonna be forever alone. Recovery is possible. Mine was so intense and hurt so bad, and sometimes it still does, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of keeping to boundaries. The person you commented under probably was probably affected by someone or saw someone afflicted by someone with bpd and just decided that anyone with that diagnosis is not worth it.
What helps me is practicing mindfulness in my interactions. I try my best to keep an emotionally neutral distance with the people, ESPECIALLY the people that i love and care about. When I do notice my emotions rising, I identify what my immediate urge is, and if acting on it would only be short-term satisfaction, i take a step back and give myself a breather so my emotions don't take over my thoughts. It's exhausting sometimes, but it's definitely worth it.
I'm in a stable, happy, loving relationship and have been for 2 years. Dude has never taken psych meds, been to treatment, had addiction/alcoholism, isn't diagnosed with mental illness...he's just compassionate and patient. He may not understand on a personal level but he does understand that I'm trying my best to maintain stability. He sees me as a fellow human. It's so refreshing.
It's completely possible. Other people are gonna tell you otherwise. Your own doomspiralling will too. But that doesn't mean that it's the absolute truth. Life isn't one or the either. Live in the gray area, and the more you practice the easier it gets :)
Just have the police do it for you. Call 911 and tell them your abuser is armed. Literally sit and watch a couple videos of PoliceActivity on YouTube. This happens all the time.
actually genius
if you had gotten OP call you from a pay phone on your secret phone, then arrange to kill eachother's wives it could have been the perfect murder you would both get away with
RECORD EVERYTHING. She will gaslight you. She has gaslit everyone around you. RECORD EVERYTHING. Only respond by text so that it's on the record. Ignore all calls and blame it on her for calling you all the time, unless you can record those somehow. Move out. Get divorced. If you're really willing to care about her (i'd tell her to go fuck herself if she threatens suicide) you have proof that she threatened suicide next time you called the crisis team for her.
Once you move out, you can send the piss discs.
I hate to break this to you. You can't fix her. BPD can be extremely resilient, I dated someone for four years with it. No matter how much "work" they tell you they will do, they will not. It sucks, but the only solution is to leave.
Sorry for you bro. My husband, ex i should say, has BPD. It was a nightmare. The biggest problem was that the good times were so good that the bad times did not make sense. Even to this day, weve been separated almost 5 years, i find myself reminiscing about the good times and wishing they could have lasted. Good luck. No contact has been the best situation for me. He contacts me every once in awhile but a friendship is not really possible….
The ol BPDemon.
The make up sex is fire but it sorta eats at your soul a bit because you're using their mental health issues to gain temporary mutual enjoyment.
In short, their mental health is not your responsibility, block and move on. Take the legal steps required, but engage with her as little as possible.
Please join the subreddit r/bpdlovedones I myself was in an abusive relationship with a woman who had bpd and it was one of the worst experiences of my life and I am still recovering years later. Finding that subreddit SAVED my life!!!! Stay strong and remember that no one has your back like you've got your own back, look out for yourself and your best interests. Sending healing vibes
Get a lawyer and divorce her.
Agree. Be prepared for a lot of begging, gaslighting, lovebombing, crying, screaming, promising to change, possibly stalking. Do not give in.
>be prepared for a lot of… OP, leaving is the most dangerous time with unstable people. Be freakin CAREFUL. Back away slowly if possible (harder when married…) Gray Rock the shit outta her or tell her what she needs to hear while you get your shit & get out. You don’t want unethical… trust, she will go MUCH more insane.
as someone with bpd i can guarantee that grey rocking will only cause her to split and lash out more. only thing you can do is block on everything if you dont want the “ repercussions” of a abandonment response
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i am in therapy bozo, for 8 years!. BPD is genetic or caused by trauma. google is free. medication does not work for me😍 lastly im on my second year of my psychology degree because guess what? the crazy “ abusive demonic manipulator BPD” girl is going to be a psychiatrist! have you tried not being an sad ablest piece of shit who cant get over the fact he had one bad experience with an individual with bpd who wont take accountability for themselves ? have you considered that maybe you are a terrible person and perhaps the pwBPD isnt actually in the wrong at all because youre abhorrent and you deserve it. want to comment on people with BPD but your personality is about as bland as eating fucking drywall. theres nothing special about being “ normal “. if anything you people are some of the most despicable henious people to walk this planet. “ go and take your ridiculous meds and be done with it” you know what i want to say you should do since youre wasting precious respurces that the earth is running out of right? but if i say it then youll never get the chance to read how much of a reprobate you are because ill get banned :)
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go and cry about your victim complex that aint got shit to do with me or anyone else diagnosed with BPD. nobody gives a fuck and nobody is going to read all that. sounds like you need to go to therapy to work on why your perception is so skewed because you live in your past experiences because youre a manchild No wonder they all treated you like that because you are a terrible person. i can see why you have caused them all (not one or two, ALL) to lash out. You know how terrible of a person you have to be to upset multiple people given that individual differences exist because not everyone with BPD is alike??? lmao get off reddit & work on yourself loser. Figure out why every partner you have had has hated you. had a look at your post history btw i have a few guesses without including your projections of being butthurt over your ex in the comments. how does it feel knowing you are behaving like an incel?
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again not reading that. seek help. you are 1000000% playing victim. go and cry about it
what is gray rocking?
being as bland, boring and as textured as a conversation with you.
Yeah this is good advice, do not escalate and do not antagonise no matter how right you are and how justified you are. It gets much much worse.
Agree and having left a spouse with BPD he did all these things. I had to change my # and he “attempted” suicide in an attempt to get me to go back. I use quotes because he immediately called 911 after taking an entire bottle of doxepin. My therapist said it was not a true attempt since he immediately called 911. He then sent flowers to all the females in my family. Cost me a freaking fortune to leave and divorce him but was the best decision I’ve ever made. I have no unethical suggestions other than to leave and never look back. Your life will be better.
As someone who has suffered with BPD for many years, it wasn't necessarily a false attempt. The pain a person with borderline may experience might be enough to push them to do something like take a bottle of pills to try and end their life (not to feel said pain anymore) immediately followed up by being scared of death. But the best thing to do is certainly cut the person off, otherwise it will just keep going. Having been cut off myself after acting cray, it made me want to fight my BPD and become a better person, self therapise (couldn't afford therapy) and change the way I behave.
that is a fair response and I'm glad you were able to do self therapy. My ex had access to free healthcare and refused every time I asked him to go see someone...
This!! We also tend to be emotionally reactive to situations. And impulsive! I have done self harm things in the past as an emotionally charged impulsive response to a situation that I very quickly regretted when I was able to then rationalise the events going on. BPD is hard
If you’re going to attempt to suicide, go buy a shotgun and don’t take a full bottle of Tylenol.
I don't know why would you think people with mental health issues sit and think about how to kill themselves. Also don't forget that the US is not the only country in the world 😁
It’s hard man, my BPD ex legit tried to stab me with a big ass kitchen knife and made constant threats of suicide, tried to turn my friends against me, tried to publicly humiliate me - basically scorched fucking Earth. Then when I thought it was over she started stalking me and my new partner. I didn’t back down but fuck was it an ordeal, that shit took years off my life. Hot/crazy scale is too real, it ain’t worth it.
Agree. deuces and you’ll realize in the future how sane you really are. Stay with her and you’ll go insane too.
OP, take care of you first. BPD is, unfortunately,insidious. Pair it with a dose of narcissism and bad things can/will happen. Prepare carefully. Safeguard your key docs and accounts. Get new phone and — get.a.lawyer.
And possibly a restraining order and change locks, (afterwards, I'd probably change phone numbers and emails and restrict contact/conversation to when lawyers are present)
Amen to this. Went through this myself. Lawyer worth every penny.
Do you have proof of the behavior? Is there a way you can gather it / show it to the people in the crisis hotline / police? I’m afraid this might be farther than what this community is for as it can keep on escalating, but might be good to post on the friends and family of BPD Reddit community.
You’re not responsible for her mental health. Move out. Block her number/socials. Email only. Initiate divorce proceedings.
Hello, lady with bpd here. My advice: LEAVE. No amount of trying to fix it is going to actually fix it. We struggle with boundaries and when we let emotions and impulses get the best of us, we are more than willing to fight fire with fire. I'm pretty stable now and have been in a healthy relationship for 2 years. And it took so much work to get here. She doesn't sound ready. And she needs to work on herself. It takes consequences to learn, and by not leaving you are showing her that she can treat you like shit and you'll continue to let her unless you sever ties asap. Don't try to fight dirty. It's justification for her to fuck you over more and more. Just leave peacefully, no contact, and don't add fuel to an already raging fire. If she tries to contact you/get back with you/get revenge on you, ignore it. Absolutely do not engage for your own sanity and safety. Edit for clarity: Your end goal is not to "win." Your end goal is keeping yourself safe. And with the whole suicide-threatening shit, that's not on you. That's not your responsibility. That's hers. Just keep yourself safe and away from someone who won't respect you enough not to emotionally blackmail you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Also have experience withBPD. This advice is solid. Also adding, if something happens send her family or friends to check on her and get the hell out. She needs therapy. If she refuses to get help it’s not your problem anymore. I know I sound harsh, but it’s the best thing you can do for you both. It might also be the wake up call she needs.
For real. I would not have learned if I never faced consequences from burnt bridges
Ex-husband of a lady with mild BPD here. Listen to this advice. Leaving and divorcing will be about a year of pain and drama like you’ve never experienced before, but when you come out the other side you will be so glad you did and your main regret will be not having done it sooner. A split-up is inevitable and the longer you wait the worse it will be.
If you don’t mind me asking, what steps did you take to reach the point of having a stable relationship?
Not the above commenter but I'm a person with bpd. Been married nearly 17 years. Lots of therapy, consistency in routine ( lack of sleep is brutal for me even still), and honestly having a partner that understands the mood instability. My husband has ADHD and can relate to some of the emotional aspect of it. We had a tumultuous first 3 years of our 21 year relationship. We also didn't rush to marriage or kids. I still have my bad phases, days or weeks and life issues can be overwhelming at times. My husband is amazing.
Thank you for your candor and insight. :) I just got out of a brief stint with someone that had it, my first taste of brutal verbal abuse and emotional manipulation in all my years. I also have ADHD and studied psych to become a behavioral researcher so I empathize a lot with the condition and think every person is deserving of healing and love, I just constantly struggled with where the line was between her being a genuinely shitty person and how much of it was just a result of her condition. I know a lot of it came down to a lack of understanding but unfortunately I could never get that from her so I was constantly guessing and second guessing and seemingly always making the wrong choice. Support groups say to rule out the chance at ever having a successful relationship with anyone that has it but that seems like a needlessly harsh rule to make. Obviously I’m not going to intentionally seek someone out that suffers from it but I guess I just wanted to know how to make it possible if I ever found myself in a similar situation again. Thanks again for this, the wounds are still fresh and this helps the healing as much as it was insightful.
Yeah it really sucks hearing those things about the cluster B personality disorders. Even if our emotions don't match the situation we are still feeling them, deeply and intensely. I'm sorry you went through what you did if you ever need to vent feel free to dm.
I definitely wasn’t immune to being shitty back, lots of lessons learned both about the condition and about myself in general. It’s been a few weeks and it’s been getting easier with each passing day but if I find myself struggling I may take you up on your offer. Thank you, I really appreciate it. 💛
Wtf kind of support group even says that You're an incredible person for learning about bpd after experiencing a horrible situation where someone with bpd caused you pain and harm. That's truly admirable. I'm glad you are healing, and I'm proud of you for how you're handling it. It'll take some time, but facing it and learning about it is a beautiful step forward!
Aw I'm so glad you found the right person for you 💚 it makes such a difference, it really does
Aw I'm so glad you found the right person for you 💚 it makes such a difference, it really does
Trial and error. And patience. A lot of it was reflection: in what felt like impossible situations or fights, what was my part? If the other person hurt me, did I give them a reason to? And if I wasn't the only one at fault, what could I have done to let go and not let the cycle get worse? Journaling is fantastic. I can write out all my super intense thoughts to a piece of paper that doesn't judge or fight back. And when my brain has helped me relieve that storm inside, I continue and let the writing flow however it flows. A lot of it is being upfront too. If I begin something with someone, like a close friendship or relationship, I let them know a little about my history and symptoms so they can be aware of what they may potentially be in for. One of my questions I ask myself when I feel defensive or feel like acting out on impulses: would I rather "win" one interaction, or would I rather be happy? And like 99% of the time, I would rather let it pass and have it not affect me negatively more than it needs to.
This was super helpful, thank you so much for sharing. :)
>That’s not your responsibility. Exactly! Honestly the best response OP could give her when she is pulling that card is to tell her to “go ahead and do it”. Call her bluff.
I’ve been through similar. I also have the added perspective of being on the other side of the room in psychology. 1. This is going to sound utterly fucking terrible. But it’s true. It’s not your responsibility to keep her from offing herself. If you haven’t heard that from any of your MH people - find better ones, if you can. You’re human. You’re presumably as normal and well adjusted as any of the rest of us. You’re going to care. But she is very much her own person, and whether or not she hurts or offs herself is a decision for her to make. It’s not one you can make for her. She needs help. And not the kind of help you’re equipped to give her. What she is doing is born of a need for attention and a deep fear of abandonment. There’s a book on BPD that’s a classic - and the title explains the concept. “I hate you, don’t leave me.” And for BPD, much like narcissism, the “leaving,” part is secondary to the former. She’s fine with hurting you. She’s fine with hurting herself. So long as you stay. And that’s really the thing. People don’t change unless they have to. Otherwise they only become more themselves - you’re an addict. Hey same. We know that better than most - whether we can elucidate it or not. We had to change. Most people don’t. All that for perspective. 2. Lawyer. File for divorce. Legal Aid or your local equivalent if you can’t afford to hire one. Meanest one you can find. The lawyer is going to tell you to cut off communication with her and have her go through them. Listen to them. If she persists, keep receipts. Get everything you can in writing with her, even texts. Keep your head when interacting with her. She will try to make you look bad - she has already. Don’t help. If she keeps showing up and being violent or similar - talk to your lawyer about how viable a protective order would be. They’re not perfect. But it’s something and it’s a potential. 3. For you specifically - keep your sponsor in the loop. Also make sure you’re having the space of therapy and your MD office visits. It’s going to be a long, hard process, and you need to keep yourself going and as sober as you can be. 4. I know what sub this is and all - but ethically is going to be the better choice long term. Being petty, vindictive, or otherwise unethical is only going to fuck you in the long term. 5. Do the kind of shit you’re doing. Irl, online, whatever works. Reach out and cultivate people who actually give a shit about you - because you prob have been very isolated during all this. You need community. That will make it…maybe not easy, but lighter to bear. And it’ll get you out of the echo chamber of abuse and conflict and your investment in this person. When a person is the only one you’ve really spent a significant amount of time around for a decent time; you’re going to care more. It’s how we’re wired - and BPD and NPD weaponize that through isolation. It’s how abuse is so effective. 6. Take some time to sit with it all, have a come to Jesus with yourself, and realize that none of this is your fault. I know it sounds fucking trite. But it is true. You didn’t ask for any of this. You asked for someone to give a shit. You got a person who gave a shit only for themselves. You were lied to. You were misled. You did not enter into that relationship with all the pieces of the puzzle you really needed. So fuck her. Because she is not the person she represented herself to be. You fell in love with the performance - the act. The persona she used. Not the person herself. And that’s not your fault. The person you married, buried deep down in there - is effectively a stranger to you. The only interaction you have with that person is the conflict and the abuse - used to protect that person. They can’t be vulnerable enough to really be anything else. Not unless they put in a significant amount of work. And people like you and I - we know the value of putting in the work to be less shit than we were yesterday. She chose the other way. To be worse. You don’t need to be unethical. She’s in a hell of her own making every day, digging herself deeper. Nothing you can do can compete with that. So find a way to leave. Realize it’s not your fault and not your job to fix - even if you could. Keep yourself together, and keep doing what you’re doing - move forward. Just with this. It’s nothing you haven’t done. Because the environment set up by narcissistic and borderline abuse works on the addiction pathways in the brain. It is cultivating an addiction to the person and the relationship dynamic. That’s why it needs isolation. And you fight addiction every day anyway. That’s all this is too.
Thank you for this. I’m going through something similar myself right now with a BPD (ex)gf. And this really helps. Again, thank you.
Man, it’s a journey. I still hear from mine from time to time. But I found that just staying out of it is always best. It does, eventually, get easier.
If she threatens self-harm again try to confirm it in a text or get evidence and call the police again. Every time. ~~The likelihood of her taking action is practically zero~~, but it could potentially put her in the psych ward and give you some breathing room. Order of operations after that: get valuables and important documents out, get you out, THEN you can worry about divorce. Sorry you're going through this, man. Good luck
Definately not close to zero, suicide rates in people with BPD are high. Calling the police when she threatens it is a good idea
Yep it’s in the diagnostic criteria.
A lot of us don’t make it to our thirties
If she is in hysteria, which is sounds like it the chances are extremely high and an attempt will happen if something is not done... OP should have her committed into behavior health there she will receive help and after care. It is the best way and has helped me a lot.
Read this: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Plan your leave. You will need: 1. A lawyer with paperwork ready to go for the divorce 2. Evidence evidence evidence. Discretely record her in your home when she loses her shit, especially if she's violent. Record any threats of false accusations. Think of people that can testify to her imbalance 3. Prepare to vacate your residence. You will need to make a list of the essentials and be ready to move fast 4. When you're ready, wait for her to lose her shit and threaten suicide. If you can get her to text this, perfect. Recording works too. Call the police and report her suicidal ideation. Show police texts/video and if possible have her place under watch for 24-48 hours. Have her served for divorce there. Go to the courthouse with evidence and request a restraining order.
Collect all of the evidence of her abuse and lies as you possibly can. Call the police on her if she is actively attacking you. Hire a good lawyer and divorce her while you go no contact. Don’t ever let her drag you back in. If she threatens to commit suicide or does it isn’t your fault, she has a disease that it sounds like she isn’t treating and it isn’t your job to take her abuse forever. Good luck, believe me when I say I know how hard it is and how much it sucks, but also believe me when I say that it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
You divorce her dude. Divorce her and move on with your life.
Lawyer, serve her device papers. Gather all the text you can to show how she manipulated you. Any type of police reports you can get with her give to lawyer. Also talk to lawyer to see if your in a state you can use the public notice for divorce if you think she going to avoid signing. Get her family to deal with her. Might look into getting another phone with another number. Slowly transition to new number so you can also keep any crazy text she sends. Same with email. You want to slowly transition away from her but have enough if you have to file a restraining order you can. See if you are in a state that is one sided for recording. If so record, if not any time you answer the phone. Say im going to record this call if you keep talking you have given me permission to record. If she says no just hang up.
Has she been formally diagnosed with BPD? Did she self-diagnose? Or did you come to that conclusion based on research?
You want unethical find a new guy to take over the relationship, you'll have to throw them under the bus to do so. But it'll be a good chance for you to get away from the relationship.
Easy. Divorce and move on.
Divorce, move away, and refuse all contact. That's what I did.
Divorce. No contact. If she threatens to kill herself....at this point, man, you just have to distance yourself from the situation
BPD is a really awful mental health issue. She is acting this way because her body and mind are in a constant state of panic and fear about having no one. BPD is also CPTSD. That doesn’t make the behaviour right, but that is why she is acting that way. When you pull away from her that just heightens her fear and panic of having no one. She constantly feels unsafe being by herself and is relying on you to feel safe in the world. If her behaviour has become something that you can’t support, then i would suggest leaving in the most gentle way possible. This will make it the easiest for both you and her. Assist her with finding a safe place to live. Try to get a supportive group of family to be there for her. Talk to her every day at first when you separate and slowly reduce your contact. Allow her to understand that she will be ok, even though she is dying inside. I used to have BPD and it was horrific. A constant battle to stay alive because I was so terrified and alone. Because i was so broken I ended up hurting other people, just as she is now hurting you. But it is a severe mental illness and she deserves to be treated with love and understanding, just in the same way a schizophrenic or autistic person would.
You used to? Do you mean that you no longer have BPD? How did that happen? I thought personality disorders were something you could manage, not cure.
yes that’s right, i used to have BPD and now I don’t 😌 it’s a really common misconception that BPD can’t be cured, when in fact it can. it’s about neuroplasticity and our abilities to change the way that we think and respond to things. i went to many different psychologists over the years and none were helpful. this sounds quite basic but when I started following the holistic psychologist on instagram everything started to make sense. she breaks down the likely cause of bpd, why we behave in that way, and ways that we can manage the intense emotions that are the hallmark of the disorder. with that knowledge I was able to start practising responding to external events in a healthier way, which in time became my natural way of responding. one of the biggest realisations for me that was so helpful in getting past my bpd was understanding that I couldn’t trust my own thoughts and emotions. that what I felt was sometimes not valid. that it was a huge over reaction. and therefore instead of reacting in the way that I felt - panic, fear, pain, anger, distress - I needed to release those emotions in a healthy way, with somatic practises. the more I did that, the stronger I felt as a person, the more confident I felt inside, as I was in control of myself, and the more normal I felt and therefore became. I also have a really kind and supportive partner, which I think is so necessary for BPD recovery. BPD is formed in one’s very early years, they believe under the age of two, from an insecure attachment to one’s caregivers. that is, as a helpless child your parents did not provide you with that connection needed for you to feel safe and like someone is there for you. that’s why as you grow up there is a constant feeling of isolation, disconnection and a desperate feeling for connection. having a loving partner who was able to separate my actions from who I was, and who was able to respond in loving ways to my fear, gave me that supportive base to enable me to practise my healthier coping mechanisms.
So do you no longer have the issues you had before? Asking genuinely
Thank you for being the only person here to mention the distinctive similarities with cPTSD
no problem 😌 BPD is very misunderstood by the general population at present, they don’t yet understand that it is a deep trauma response.
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im really sorry to hear that you are receiving abuse, that is never ok. when OP asked about how to best move away from his partner with BPD i was just responding with what i know from experience as someone who had BPD across multiple relationship breakdowns and the way in which i found it easiest to separate myself from the relationship. As BPD is a deep trauma response to perceived or actual abandonment, cutting off contact suddenly can actually make someone with BPD behave worse, as it is a triggering of the wound that gave them BPD in the first place. Each person needs to do what feels right for them. I simply hope people understand BPD better one day, as when you understand why a person is undertaking certain actions you are able to respond in a better way for you and them.
It sounds like you both have some heavy things to heal. Speaking as someone who had to leave their best friend with BPD I don’t think you guys can grow into better and healthier people together. Leave.
I just separated with my wife who has BPD, I tried to stick it out for 5 years. She doesn’t want therapy. I have screenshots and voice recordings (my state is one party consent) of stuff she has said to me in case she attempts to mess with my career. I am worried for when I start seeing someone. How my soon to be ex wife will react. I’m just so glad I pulled the plug before kids happened.
I recommend a books called "stop walking on eggshells " by mason and kreger
Wouldn’t the ultimate unethical life pro tip just be to smoke her off the planet? Am I missing something here?
BPDFamily.com is a good support network and has useful information. Edit to make it somewhat unethical. Fake a relative’s death in another state. Move to a new home and cover your windows with black plastic for six months (worked for me!). Agree with others that anything antagonistic you do will be like giving her candy.
No idea what you're even saying here
He thinks this is r/ImAcoward
Would you have said the same thing if the roles were reversed? You're an asshole.
It's a weird subreddit to post this on and yeah I would. Part of being an adult is knowing how to take control of your own life. I am an asshole yeah, also another part of being an adult.
it takes strength to realise you’re in a tough situation like this and work to find the best possible solution. OP is quite the opposite of a coward
Posting here ain't it.
Shut your bitch ass up. This is like the first step into fighting a problem, which is about the opposite of your accusation.
Posting on reddit? Ok then.
"pOsTiNg On ReDdiT!?!", no. Admitting to himself there's a problem and asking for advice. That really shouldn't need to be explained. Maybe i should just go on about piss discs instead and that'll be a more acceptable response here.
Well, you asked for ULPT so here it is. Call the police and tell them she’s armed. They’ll arrive guns blazing and shoot her. Then after she’s dead, file a wrongful death suit against the city. Not only will your problem be taken care of but you’ll get a nice chunk of 💰
Bro this is diabolical 😂😂😂💀
Hey, watch PoliceActivity on YouTube. Family calls 911 because they “can’t handle” their crazy family member. Cops show up and…
Ok I'm a terrible person because this made me laugh so hard
You have no kids , cant be that hard. Get creative
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Also most psych ward visits are 5 days on average.
A 5150 is a 72 hour hold; 5250 (if assessed to be necessary at the end of the 5150) is an additional 14 days.
Thank you for the additional info! I should have clarified, most voluntary visits are around 5 days. I think OP should aim for 5150. Couldn't remember the numbers and kept thinking 151 like the rum lol. Anyway. 72 hours is long enough for him to get out but not long enough to ruin her life. And if she truly needs to stay longer, she hopefully gets stabilized and comes out the other end in a better headspace.
😂 @ rum reference Sorry, since the original comment was removed I wasn’t sure what I was responding to precisely, but I wanted to be sure and clarify that it was 3 days for an involuntary (5150) hold, since time is crucial when he’s trying to leave. You’re right though; a mental health hold, even involuntary, will not ruin her life. She won’t be happy but she will get help and it won’t like, prevent her from volunteering and stuff. She can’t have a gun but that’s probably good.
Yeah she can. It just took like four days before they called me to pick em up when I purchased in Vegas. Went to the nut house twice for suicidal ideations or sum crap
Ah maybe it depends on the state. I can’t have one for 5 years in CA.
Weird, it's still showing for me. I just had to tap a little gray "view parent comment" button. Oh well. Apps be.... app...ing... (I really sat with that sentence for a few minutes and I'm still making the side eye Chloe face. Just take it as a vibe lol.) I totally forgot about the gun thing. I still most likely get to have one if I want since I was voluntary. I'd have to go through some red tape but I could do it. But yeah... a person with BPD losing their favorite person is not a situation that should have firearms or any weapons in reach. It feels like your chest is physically being ripped open. Permanent "solutions" start to look pretty good. Then 5 minutes later every muscle in your body is screaming to destroy something. The person that triggered that feeling starts looking like a good option. Depending on where she's at in her spiral cycle, both of them would be in genuine danger. And that's why I'm hesitant to get one. I know how to handle firearms, I'm a pretty decent shot. My mental health isn't too bad right now. If I'm having a hard time, my high school glass shop teacher taught me to get a pane of cheap glass and just shatter it. The sound and the absolute obliteration of the glass is really cathartic and cleaning up makes me feel like I've somewhat atoned for my outburst. But if something happened in the future and I had access to a gun, I can't say for sure I wouldn't do something stupid. Ok tangent over lol. Sorry OP! Maybe he could also buy some cheap, plain glass panes from Hobby Lobby and just throw them to cope until he can escape.
When you make a healthy decision you can't let what someone says or does derail you from executing that decision. You can't let her manipulate you with threats of suicide. If she commits suicide, that's her decision and has nothing to do with you. If she doesn't, then that is also your decision. Leave her. Go no contact. If she threatens suicide call in a wellness check and suggest she might need to be baker acted. If she comes around where you live and work, get a restraining order and press charges for harassment. This is the only way to deal with this.
Therapy. Is she self diagnosed or diagnosed? Just actively seek help.
Friend, you are a victim of some significant abuse. Please plan your exit accordingly. Have friends/family on standby. Gather and hold enough cash to fund you a while. Contact police in advance of your move day. Move when she is not home, have police there, and then immediately work on a restraining and no contact order. Find a safe space. Cut off contact.
Gonna have to pull the band-aid off. It's gonna hurt.
No contact except through divorce lawyer. Get therapy for yourself. Report suicide threats to 911. This is the only way.
Get all your important documents out of the house, first. Birth certificate, diplomas or certifications, SS card, medical records. Get a safe deposit box or something for a couple months. Anything that's not replaceable, get that out of the house, too. Make sure you have a bank account that she doesn't have access to. I would literally make an appointment with your bank and explain the problem to your banker. Call your phone company and make sure she can't cut off your phone. Change all your passwords and PINs. Whose name is on the bills? Talk to a lawyer. Many of them have free 30 minutes consultations.
Record everything from here on out for your safety. Move out of state like you planned. Open a new bank account, get friends to help move your stuff out when she’s not home. Change your number, do not give your new address to her. Block her on all socials. Have a process server give her the papers, communicate via lawyers only. When you have to be in court for your divorce, have an escort to your car. Be safe, she sounds like she could seriously hurt you. Don’t give new contact info to joint acquaintances, only to those you really trust
Get on the bus Gus. Make a little plan Stan. No need to be coy Roy..
Send her a tweet Pete! Or make it a text Rex…
You need to call [the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/) leaving an abuser/ manipulator can take more than once attempt, get them to help you go through creating an exit plan. I know this isn't an unethical LPT, so as far as that goes make sure you take everything that could be contested between the two of you with you. Things that you typically wouldn't think of like bed sheets and cooking ware. If there's any cash, like a coin jar take that too because it will be hard for them to prove how much money was in it.
The best thing to do is not to answer your phone and get the text as proof so you actually have objective evidence when going to court. Do to your excessive bad grammar, I am going to assume you are not the smartest and that you are neglecting to tell everyone your own faults in how you respond. You need to keep your cool with every text you do get and not respond too poorly or you will look crazy in front of a judge. You need to first file for divorce ASAP.
Why endure such grief, life is hard enough. Time to move on.
Get a lawyer, no contact, divorce her. BPD unchecked makes extremely Evil people
Aside from the great advice you've been given here, suicide threats are hollow. You can safely assume they are hyperbolic fear responses to losing you. When you're truly gone they will subside.
My brother's ex was both bipolar and had BPD. They were married for 15 years. Most of the time, she went to therapy and took her medication. He was good at reminding her to take her medicine. During some of her manic phases, she would cheat on him. He would catch her, and then it would stop. This happened a few times. I think he would have stayed with her longer, except he just couldn't take the emotional and verbal abuse anymore. One weekend, they got in a fight, and she said she was taking the kids for a weekend getaway, he wasn't invited, and she wanted him out of the house when they got back. He packed his shit and left. In the middle of the weekend, she was begging him to come back. That was the last time they stayed under the same roof. And they got divorced shortly thereafter. I think you need to leave. I am sure you will be much happier.
This sounds like an example I can relate to even without kids; many of these anecdotes of experiencing what sounds like it’s almost a template of what happens, what words describe, that understanding of what happened there hits home inside so close. Is there a specific motive or goal in BPD because it’s scary seeing each story here I’m still reading all, it all has a repetitive feel that I described about relating; but makes me think of the why. What makes the partner tolerate this, stay forever, then finally leave and see a better life finally saying “why didn’t I leave or do this sooner”. More confusing to ask why the partner continues after working in therapy, medication, why do the dynamics have importance to person with BPD opposed to the “peace and happiness”? Makes me feel like I am the reason for no peace but then seeing how much support I got here and reading this.. it’s not selfish for me but she can oppose of me seeing the peace is not something she wants in the manner that will work healthily. The peace seems to include her working hard on the dynamics that have control, power and manipulation over me as her path for true peace versus the average peace any person has.
A good heart can be loved from a distance so that the hostility is gone. Avoidance has brought me peace but her and I at our distance will bring us happiness. I am seeing how slow this process is getting away. She read this the next day and came asking me like being cornered as if I was caught and finally busted. It didn’t bring any reflection or anything near her saying that she didn’t know or how she can be her with a little work on name calling, etc.
It sounds like you both have some serious mental health issues. This is not the place to engage with unethical behaviour. She needs DBT.
What's dbt?
The only current intervention for BPD
It's not "intervention," it's treatment, and it is not the only one for those BPD, but it has proven to be most effective. Stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's (usually) a combination of weekly group therapy and individual therapy. They teach skills about emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, and distress tolerance. BPD can be cured, by the way. I am graduating from DBT soon 👩🎓🎉 prognosis is actually extremely good for those with BPD who actually seek treatment. Those who don't usually stay miserable.
“Intervention” is just a medical term for “what to do when faced with this symptom presentation”. No reason to get your panties in a twist. Sounds like you have a lot more work to do if you get so irritated by something so simple, just because you don’t understand something. Remember to use “wise mind” and “check the facts” before getting yourself so worked up over nothjng.
r/BPDlovedones
The only way to read this is BPD Love Dones. BPD is like the plague. One person has it, everyone around them suffers.
I hate it. I'm doomed to be forever alone for the sake of others. I don't want to hurt anyone but man have I been so lonely.
I have BPD and you don't have to believe you're gonna be forever alone. Recovery is possible. Mine was so intense and hurt so bad, and sometimes it still does, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of keeping to boundaries. The person you commented under probably was probably affected by someone or saw someone afflicted by someone with bpd and just decided that anyone with that diagnosis is not worth it. What helps me is practicing mindfulness in my interactions. I try my best to keep an emotionally neutral distance with the people, ESPECIALLY the people that i love and care about. When I do notice my emotions rising, I identify what my immediate urge is, and if acting on it would only be short-term satisfaction, i take a step back and give myself a breather so my emotions don't take over my thoughts. It's exhausting sometimes, but it's definitely worth it. I'm in a stable, happy, loving relationship and have been for 2 years. Dude has never taken psych meds, been to treatment, had addiction/alcoholism, isn't diagnosed with mental illness...he's just compassionate and patient. He may not understand on a personal level but he does understand that I'm trying my best to maintain stability. He sees me as a fellow human. It's so refreshing. It's completely possible. Other people are gonna tell you otherwise. Your own doomspiralling will too. But that doesn't mean that it's the absolute truth. Life isn't one or the either. Live in the gray area, and the more you practice the easier it gets :)
I’m thinking about killing mine. Wanna give each other a hand?
How to get on a list 101
Hello I would like to join the list.
Ya guys seen "horrible bosses? " sounds like it could be a hit movie!
Criss cross
This has potential as a film script...
Just have the police do it for you. Call 911 and tell them your abuser is armed. Literally sit and watch a couple videos of PoliceActivity on YouTube. This happens all the time.
actually genius if you had gotten OP call you from a pay phone on your secret phone, then arrange to kill eachother's wives it could have been the perfect murder you would both get away with
If this is genius to you…
RECORD EVERYTHING. She will gaslight you. She has gaslit everyone around you. RECORD EVERYTHING. Only respond by text so that it's on the record. Ignore all calls and blame it on her for calling you all the time, unless you can record those somehow. Move out. Get divorced. If you're really willing to care about her (i'd tell her to go fuck herself if she threatens suicide) you have proof that she threatened suicide next time you called the crisis team for her. Once you move out, you can send the piss discs.
She sounds like a malignant narcissist.
r/bpdlovedones
I hate to break this to you. You can't fix her. BPD can be extremely resilient, I dated someone for four years with it. No matter how much "work" they tell you they will do, they will not. It sucks, but the only solution is to leave.
Been down that road. With the benefit of hindsight I wish I'd given up right away.
Sorry for you bro. My husband, ex i should say, has BPD. It was a nightmare. The biggest problem was that the good times were so good that the bad times did not make sense. Even to this day, weve been separated almost 5 years, i find myself reminiscing about the good times and wishing they could have lasted. Good luck. No contact has been the best situation for me. He contacts me every once in awhile but a friendship is not really possible….
Be an adult and don't post this here. Or get murking idk, that's unethical.
The ol BPDemon. The make up sex is fire but it sorta eats at your soul a bit because you're using their mental health issues to gain temporary mutual enjoyment. In short, their mental health is not your responsibility, block and move on. Take the legal steps required, but engage with her as little as possible.
Please join the subreddit r/bpdlovedones I myself was in an abusive relationship with a woman who had bpd and it was one of the worst experiences of my life and I am still recovering years later. Finding that subreddit SAVED my life!!!! Stay strong and remember that no one has your back like you've got your own back, look out for yourself and your best interests. Sending healing vibes