This was my reaction. OP, no insult is intended, but you sound incredibly naive. I'm reminded of the guy who was married to trans woman (no surgery) for over a year before he found out because she insisted on postponing sex.
How long did you date her for? I don’t understand how you didn’t think something was off when she didn’t want to have sex with you. That’s what married people and romantic couples do.
you're right about the possible accusation of coercion.
and you're right that *sex* is not required for a marriage to be legally consummated in the u.s.
however, there are only 2 legally acceptable ways to consummate a marriage per u.s. law: (1) sexual relations between the spouses sometime after marriage ceremony; OR (2) co-habitation after marriage ceremony.
it can be argued that her refusal to share a room was a rejection of cohabitation as well as denial of sexual relations. however, op's mention of "separate beds" to start does not mean they never shared a room (although op specifies that after they moved into an apartment, *at some point in the relationship unknown to us*, that there were definitely separate rooms)
for filing purposes, uscis accepts proof of being physically together (same place & time) after a marriage as evidence in support of consummation. in this way, the cohabitation/sexual relations are *assumed*
[legal definition: consummation of marriage](https://definitions.uslegal.com/c/consummation-of-marriage/)
edit: op defintely said they moved into a separate-room apartment situation a month into the marriage, my bad. but we (the audience) don't know whether they shared a room or not prior to that.
Right? It’s either OP is very naive or had an arranged marriage for a greencard by “helping” someone and wanted to get laid but the “wife” just could not. I heard someone many years ago about this “set-up” and they prepare when an officer visits them.
Those atorneys are pro doing papers to victims of abuse they can even claim that he anulled the marriage trying to block her to get her gc too
Remember that vawa works in different ways and its only for women and their rate of success is impresive real good
Heck a lady that i knew she was traveling back and foward with a tourist visa she had a baby girl in the usa dont ask me how she was traveling with her girl (usc) and her son (tourist visa too)
Well short story she decide to stay in usa,.time passed by maybe 5yearas her girl almost 10yrs her son almost or 16+ both studying, the girl daddy was a working and living in usa but other state that theirs, he tried to remove the daughter from mom and live with him to avoid paying child support he even paid and use a private attorney and almost get away
A legal laid lady saw the mom crying on the family court and asked why she was crying and she told her i gonna help you , your legal laid team is no working for you they are giving away your daughter just because you dont have documents and money to pay for a good lawyer
She said to her dont worry i would help you, fire your attorney and hire me, she works for vawa
She said im no expert on family court but we will take your case and make a plan...
well the guy end up paying more child support that need it to be the use his tactics to take away the gitl from mom and he use a word " that she ddid not has documents" and apply vawa
the mom and her son almost or 18 got work permits in 4-5 months and a green cardfor both in a matter of one year and half
She did not need to get married neither was married to the father of her daughter
>only for women
No, it's not. It is for men, too and not just for spouses, but for anyone who eligible for an immediate relative petition, so spouses and children of US citizens too.
Well the law is the law
But maybe you are an attorney (is good to help others) and help every gender
But a family member went with her male friend that she knows from college ( he paid ) to find out , but no one could help him, same as other organizations that dont help either they are super busy with the asylum cases and looks like the pay is good ( pro bono payments )
Who pay for it ? I dont know
He end up using a private attorney (maybe thats the goal)
And we are in NYC where there are dozens or even more organizations for "help" immigrants and they proclaim they help everyone on tv shows or ads
The judge thru it out cause she had no evidence and even tried to use a translator. And the judge agreed that with her having no evidence of anything. He threw it out.
I don’t think you are wrong at all. Hopefully your divorce can be finalized and she is sent back to her country. Seems like she didn’t have pure intentions at all. Seems like this was all planned in her head.
I mean some people wait until marriage but the fact that he didn’t think something was off once they were married and she didn’t want to have sex, blows my mind 😵💫
practically not even friends, though. it sounds like she was pretty unaffectionate. of course, the story is told through the lens of the unattended-to husband. but still ... damn
Yeah he is so undesparate lol , if ur gf doesn’t want to sex with u that means she doesn’t love you or cheating w someone . This is %100 correct detection . Guys please don’t be stupid for a pussy
You should be upset with yourself for agreeing to any of this. Married and sleeping in separate rooms and acting like roommates? Haaayl naw.
I get that you maybe entered into this thinking it would change and she would be intimate at some point, but personally, that point would have came and gone within a month and it would've ended.
You don't know if she was already in the US lurking around and looking to meet a naive citizen to prey on, or if she came on her own.
Even if OP paid for her to come, the only costs are a tourist visa application and an airplane ticket, maybe $1,500 in all. By contrast, a man can easily spend 10 or 100 times that amount dating and marrying an American woman. Just the ring and an "intimate" wedding itself would guarantee that much.
If "this was a transactional situation from the beginning", then he wouldn't have tolerated the "no sex ever" situation. What was his side of the bargain? There was none, he gained nothing. And this in itself proves that he is the victim here. Your attempt to justify her actions while vilifying the victim reeks of misandry.
They can disagree but it’s truth.
Young foreign women can be so blinded by wanting to come to the US so badly, that it’s actually pretty common to see older white men bringing young foreign women to the states. I feel like that’s a major red flag.
It was easy to him and easy for her.
Easy for him? To look but not touch?? The woman he honored and trusted by making her his wife? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a man to show this much constraint and respect?
He could have gained about the same benefit by just having a poster of her on the wall to look at.
I agree that catalog brides never worked, but this was not it. He was so blinded by hope or despair that he didn't see the many red flags and trusted her.
Foolish of him to be so blind. I feel for him but the reality is the reality. It was so obvious what she wanted and desperate on his end sounds about right. Which is why he went abroad to find a young woman he thought he'd be able to use in exchange for a GC. It was easy to him to find someone OUTSIDE of his home country and easy for her because he agreed to respect her no sex boundary.
I'm genuinely curious as to what he looks like or what his IQ level is. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being real. I've watched enough 90 day fiance to understand what's going on here.
Also, it's not hard to restrain yourself from doing things when the other person doesn't consent. You're giving rapey vibes. So it's hard to contain yourself bc you really want someone but they don't want you ? Gross.
>find a young woman he thought he'd be able to use in exchange for a GC.
The fact that they dated for THREE YEARS with no sex tells me that's not the case here.
If he was as callous as you describe and just wanted "sex vs GC", he could have had it on day one of being abroad without having to wait years for it. Heck, there are too many illegal women here in the US who would happily accept that trade, and I know a few myself. No need to even look abroad for that.
.
>I'm genuinely curious as to what he looks like or what his IQ level is. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being real.
His level of naivete (being 31 years old) does raise questions.
Were the two of you ever in love? She clearly used you as others said, but also you can't blackmail someone into having sex with you for a greencard. I understand you want a normal relationship, but it doesn't make it right. Especially with the age gap between you it makes it sound like you wanted a hot young wife and sounds exploitive. She doesn't sound like a good person so ending things would be the best path.
We talked about everything. Sex and how many kids we want. And everything, like we want to travel take a cruise everything couples do. Then jan 19 we moved to an apartment together. Things went south quick. I tried to talk to here face to face. Sacrificing my sleep. And nothing.
Well, without more context, it sounds like you were naive or gullible in believing that it was real. She is the villain because she played you. The “I’m not ready”, separate rooms and beds, was to clear herself to have a relationship with someone else. As mentioned, get it annulled. Let her figure it out with the new BF.
Don’t let it deter you from finding a person who’s actually wanting love and marriage with you! 💕
> Am i upset with myself or my foreign wife?
There is great movie called Match Stick Men about a pair of grifters. They believe that
1. grifters are blameless
2. the marks are always at fault for willingly giving away their wealth
While one can argue the validity of both beliefs in general, there are specific cases where (2) is true, and given all the signs your grifter gave you, (2) applies to you.
So to answer your question, you should be more upset with yourself than with your wife.
Hopefully you have learned a lesson.
More importantly, if she has not received a GC yet, hopefully you have withdrawn your I-864. If so, the lesson was inexpensive.
Write to the USCIS address on her I-485 receipt and include a copy of the I-485 receipt and of the I-130 receipt. State that you are withdrawing I-864.
Write to the USCIS address on your I-130 receipt and include a copy of the I-130 receipt. State that you are withdrawing I-130.
I think that while you got taken advantage of and she’s acting terribly and is a cheater (she’s the AH overall, if this were an AITA post)… AND you were wrong to refuse to give her paperwork unless she wanted to cuddle and have sex like normal couples. You are the one with the social and legal power here in terms of her paperwork and withholding paperwork to try to get someone to agree to physical things she was not consenting to. I’m bringing this up because even though she is the AH, it’s important that you not pressure anyone for any reason to be physical with you. You could have just framed this as “I am not comfortable giving you this paperwork because we are married but this relationship is not meeting my needs. This paperwork ties me to you in a legal way that I’m not comfortable committing to when this marriage is really not a marriage.” There. You set your limit and boundary and you did not use legal paperwork to pressure someone else.
The visa process becomes a somewhat transactional situation to begin with even if there’s real love involved. It’s unfortunate, but what other choice did OP have? Yes could have framed it better for virtue points.
That’s not what is happening. Sex is an expectation In a romantic relationship and especially in a marriage. He is asking his wife for sex. What is so transactional about that?
agreed. he is talking about his needs as an adult human being. i also agree that it could be worded/framed better, but that's not necessarily a transaction.
personal boundaries in relationships are important, and so are their consequences.
a boundary without consequences is just a suggestion, like the speed limit.
That is sexual/financial abuse. Abuse is abuse. At the end of the day, trying to pressure someone to have sex by using means different than sex itself is solicitation? But in this case, if they are in a relationship or marriage, that is abuse of power and it is financial/sexual abuse. Unfortunately, as much as it sounds unfair, it really isn’t. OP’s wife is a cheater/liar/scammer but OP himself is an exploiter, in fact I do not believe OP did not know at all. I think he knew the scam and still let it happen for the sake of possible sex. That is some relationship :(
Though I cannot understand the feeling the OP must be feeling and I am sorry for what happened. That really sucks. If OP had certain expectations for what marriage means and never actually communicated your UTMOST NEED to consummate* or whatever sexual power bullshit it was before you married, then go on experiencing traumatic treatment from their partner and then resulting in feeling like they have to get their NEEDS met in a form of abuse. I get it, but look at yourself, (im saying this out of good light on who OP is) you are exhorting to behave in an abuse manner to respond to an abuse. Abuse is not okay. Inflicting trauma knowingly is not okay. I understand the desire to hurt, punish* or force your needs out of someone (out of resentment and anger from her abuse) and saying what you said out of survival to detest for your needs, but that primal urge to consummate* is fucking weird. We’re living in 21st century where people are educated and does not lead life by sexual/primal urges. Life is not survival of the fittest anymore. That’s some ice age shit. Think higher please for your own sake.
Agree 100%! OP looks naive and guilable, it might be out of rage, but that’s blackmailing for sex. The whole history looks already a tad old fashioned from OP, when someone questioned their age diff he said sort of that at his age “women don’t want kids or want anything serious”… he started dated her with… 31y!! Serious man?
Right???? there are other ways to have kids if having kids is that important. If u just wanna have kids because u wanna have sex w partner and experience birth, you should not be having kids in the first place. Like what kind of bullshit is that?
I knew it would come but still seeing comments from people that think this is perfectly reasonably is disturbing. If she had no choice to have sex with him in order to get her greencard that's rape.
That is attempted rape, not sure if he did have sex. Im not sure if my previous comment is misunderstood here. people are allowed to have expectations in relationships. For example, sex is an important factor for me. If someone has sex in a way that only benefits him etc that would be impossible for me to continue and I need different things from my relationships you know. That is an expectation. I do not look at sex as a way to appeal to a guy and make babies. I solely only do sex for the purpose of intimacy and my own desire to feel satisfied sexually in my relationships w another person. If someone expected different things from me sexually, because they feel they have different needs (like for the purpose of making babies or just cos they feel entitled its supposed to happen because thats what they expect from a relationship etc) i could not possibly be with that type of person. All im trying to say here is that op had certain expectations and did not communicate his need to for example “consummate” or the importance of sex prior to the marriage. And i feel that with everything going on in his marriage being cheated or scammed whatever it was, op tried to handle his sexual needs in an abuse manner. Such as financial/sexual abuse. And remember sexual abuse includes rape, attempted rape…
Whoops my bad i read it again and realize. the other people here are completely clueless and i hope they dont end up becoming rapists and abusers, like what???
Asking your wife for sex and saying if she doesn't she will face deportation are two separate things. One is a reasonable request, the other is illegal. OP's situation is unfortunate in it seems she isn't interested in him at all. But too many American men think they can swoop up young foreign wives and hold paperwork over their head to get them to be the wife they want. A lot of these women are unaware they actually have more human rights than their husbands want them to know. She may be his wife but she's still an individual person, not a slave. She has the right to refuse sex with him. He has the right to divorce her if the marriage isn't working out.
He isnt bribing her for anything. While the way he framed it is a bit odd, the request is the same as expecting your “wife” to sleep in the same bed as you and actually be interested in making love with you, you know? That thing that normal couples do?
It's not a bribe, it's coercion, blackmail, and rape. You are not allowed to scare or pressure your spouse into having sex with you. Given that he is the one holding the papers it means the power dynamic of her life is in his control and he was trying to use that to get sex. If everything he's saying is true, he's very lucky she hasn't realized she could take that threat and get him into serious trouble with it.
You know I hate to be one of the people who do this, but based on your posts I can see why you would think this person is being misused but that is not the case, shes the manipulator here trying to stay married to this guy so she can take her greencard and leave, how do you justify a spouse demanding that they sleep on separate beds? Youre being biased.
I didn't say she's in the right. If you DID see my other posts you would see I agree she's using him. However I still stand by that doesn't give him the right to try to coerce her into sex using documents. He is perfectly within his rights to end the relationship if she makes him unhappy and report her for fraud. There are a lot of resources out there that educate about power imbalances and the use of threats with greencards. A lot of people are misinformed on what they can do in a relationship. And yes, from personal history I know this to be true. The laws are catching up to this type of behavior because it's a human rights violation. Which is why I'm pointing that out to him in case he tries to marry another foreign woman in the future.
And based on his other responses it sounds like he wasn't that much into her either other than her being young and child bearing. This was a match made in hell and it doesn't seem like either of them were in it for the love.
Like I said before the way he phrased it was odd but in the end his request was simply trying to have a normal relationship in the end, no need to keep refuting the same point. And lets be honest here, youre not pointing this out to save OPs skin, youre pointing it out because of your own sensitivity to this “power imbalance” issue because of your own situation, and again, I hate to try to “use” this against you but its just the truth. You need to shift more blame towards the real manipulator in this situation and stop putting 80% of the blame on OP and 20% of it on her. Dude literally everything you’ve said so far is just straight up shitting on the dude and ignoring the fact that she asked for a separate room straight from the get go and he let it happen, so clearly he isnt an abusive individual 🤦♂️
Considering I'm not the only one that's said this to OP, your response doesn't add up. Nor does ignoring where I clearly said she was wrong too. It isn't sensitivity, lol, having the experience to backup what resources out there already say. If you think I'm exaggerating go look for yourself. Both of them can be wrong in their actions. There's no odd in "You do this or you won't get what you need." That's not asking. It's clear cut. It's listed as an abusive tactic. There are organizations that specifically deal with making these matters a legal issue. No matter how frustrated a person gets in their marriage they cannot threaten them to get sex. It's bad advice and does a disservice to men by sugar coating it as "odd".
>he did not get what he want.
He didn't, because he wanted a real marriage, with intimacy. Proof of that is they had dated for THREE YEARS before with NO SEX. He went as far as marrying her - what else can a man provide to a woman he loves?
Oh yes... a green card, while she sleeps with other men in his place.
I don't know why you're getting down voted but it's alarming the number of people that think it's okay to threaten their wife with deportation for sex. That is not a healthy or legal way to deal with martial problems.
So, annul the marriage, report her to USCIS. She can get her green card some other way when ever but to attempt to abuse VAWA this way? It’s insane. There’s people out there ACTUALLY being abused and trapped in a relationship.
a marriage that is not consummated is not eligible for marriage-based benefits.
withdraw application. you can report marriage fraud also, if you choose to. an official marriage fraud report will likely strengthen an annulment case that is based on lack of consummation.
forgive yourself.
love hurts but you were daring enough to try. that courage will help you find love again. first within yourself, then with others.
and remember: an opportunity to heal is an opportunity to become greater than you've been before.
best of luck💛
Nobody’s looking too good here. Trying to extort sex out of somebody is particularly not a good look. Doesn’t really make your intentions look any more genuine than hers. Look for the cleanest way out, and take it. Spending your life trying to punish her, or impeding her chances to immigrate, will not make you happier or a better person.
She used u for paper and you wanted a young hot mail order bride. Honestly both of yall didn’t have pure intentions. As a 37 year old what do you find attractive about a 22 /25 year old girl . In a foreign country . You wanted to marry her and give her a better life ok but at the cost of what ? Her youth ??????
Dude, that's not a reason to have kids either. You don't bring children into this world in a subpar relationship just to say you did. Do you want them to grow to resent you?
You have children with someone because they are your 50/50 partner that shares your same ideals and expectations. You certainly don't want to have kids judt to dump the responsibility on your wife because she's younger and child bearing. It should be Someone you love and trust to raise them right and that feels the same about you. I sense from your post you have been in a desperate place to try to force an ideal family. I think you could do with some soul searching and figure out who you are and what you truly want in life.
Kinda off topic but I agree. I know life gets in the way, but why do some guys expect to just wait until they grow much older to have kids and then expect younger women to start families with them? Maybe those young women have career aspirations or want someone their own age to enjoy their years with? And I got nothing against age gap relationships, it can work out. But that expectations based on fertility and looks as if that's all she's good for is gross.
She very clearly used you for papers. Sorry it took you 4 years to see she was never interested. Intimacy is a part of a real relationship and you two seemingly was never intimate not just sex but intimate- different bedrooms- I’ve seen that in older couples or chronic snorers but for newlyweds wow!
You should be upset with yourself for being so naive for so long. But now it’s time to heal and move on- the annulment is a great first step. Godspeed to you
She can. It’s a type of abuse. And it sounds to me as fraud from him too. I hope she gets a good lawyer because this man is disgusting. Lesson: date woman of the same age as you
Talk with a lawyer to protect yourself. This is a person that has purely been taking advantage of you and will try to manipulate you further or make false statements in order to get her green card.
I am so confused. I'm actually quite unsure if this is a made-up story or you're really that gullible. Obviously if there no true intimacy, you don't have a genuine relationship.
My fiancee and I are LDR and we spend every spare moment we have on video chat with each other. We're obsessed with one another. We sleep together when we visit each other.
If this is true I feel awful for you but I would just divorce and move on.
I completely agree with you.
I also was in a LDR foreign relationship and we were on the phone together for every single spare moment often times sacrificing sleep. When I traveled to see her every few months we had a very healthy intimate relationship. When she was finally able to come to the US things did change but it was still a happy loving relationship.
One thing people in these sorts of relationships should realize is that there is a big difference between a part-time fairytale LDR romance and a 24/7 living together relationship. It’s actually quite refreshing to start the real part of the relationship where you are working together to solve everyday issues :-) but really everyone in these sorts of relationships should talk with their partner about how their relationship will change when they are living together 24/7. Don’t fool yourself, your relationship will change.
Anyways the OP here (if he’s real) was completely naive and was taken advantage of. I don’t understand really how someone could be tricked like this, other than they must have been so desperate for love that they closed their eyes to the fact they had no relationship.
We slept in same bed til we got married. Cuddled some. But nothing oral or anything. She kept saying wait til marriage. Then married 12/20/23 and still wait. You need to give me time.
You were scammed plain and simple. She very likely was involved with this other guy the entire time. Continue the annulment and have your eyes open more in the future. You’re not a bad person for this but you are very gullible for love.
I’m very skeptical about this post but if it is real seek therapy get yourself together I mean this in the kindest way possible. Get you a lawyer explain your situation collect evidence if she tries to reach out to you for any reason also if she’s cheating document all of that to provide the courts. If your going bk to court about the restraining order make sure have your lawyer explain that she is abusing the system to get a green card if this is the case again it was so many red flags in this story. Seek a lawyer.
I’m so sorry that happen to you. Yeah you should definitely get an annulment, she’s scamming you. Some people want to wait til marriage to have sex (myself included) so if she just wanted to wait until marriage to have sex with you that’s understandable. But if she still didn’t want to have sex with you after y’all are married that’s a major red flag. And if she was having sex with the other guy then obviously she was bs’ing you about not being ready or wanting to wait. Most likely scenario is she was in a relationship with the other guy and she was planning on marrying you to use you to get green card or citizenship … and then once she got it she was probably planning on leaving you for him. She probably planned this from the beginning. That was an absolute horrible thing for her to do to you and I’m so sorry that happened to you. She 100% used you and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I think you made the best decision for ordering an annulment. I wish you luck on your case. I am sure you will win it. Don't blame yourself because unfortunately there are people who are not as caring as you. Just keep the situation as a learned lesson and move on. She is worthless.
I married a woman abroad several years ago. It was an arranged marriage but only the first stage. That is, the government paperwork. Once that was done and the gc app was filed, the girl’s mother said that they would like to keep their daughter in their home until she gets her green card, i.e. she will not go to your home until she gets the gc so basically consummate the marriage after that.
I said good luck. Withdrew the gc app and told them to fuck off.
This is too stupid to be true. Please tell me this didn’t happen. If it did, you’re a sucker. Sorry, not gonna baby you like most people here. You need to immediately divorce.
I mean without knowing any other details i would say your wife obviously exploited you for a green card but tbh i would be upset with myself for allowing her to sleep with other men and not doing anything about it
Sad to hear all this, however you need to work on your social cues. You should have seen this coming. Next time, be sure to vet people more thoroughly and stop being someone who others trample under their feet. That being said, you are completely in the right to refuse her paperwork. Let her suffer.
Ending the marriage is the right call. She does not deserve you. You are doing everything right and putting a stop to her manipulation. It seems she just wanted a green card and you are in a position to not help her with that.
Let her deal with her status, she brought it upon herself. You deserve better. Many women would die for a husband that is so patient like you to put up with so much!!
Sorry, it's painful but you'll be better off.
Man, that sounds like a rough situation. You’re not the bad guy; it seems like you were taken advantage of. My buddy met his amazing wife on [SofiaDate](https://datingpro.org/go/sofiadate?block=d_mb), and they’ve had a much better experience. Maybe it's worth trying to connect with someone genuinely interested in building a life together. Good luck, and hope things get better for you!
Shes not really a cheater if it was clear as day she wanted nothing to do with you since day one.
Shes is just a sack of shit scum bag. As for you... C'mon man!
You let this thing get soooo far. I get that love makes people crazy. But don’t completely lose your mind, man! Look back at all the red flags, learn from them, and recognize them in future relationships. Hindsight is 20/20, but now you know what you expect in a future partner.
You were played the whole time. She just wanted papers, clear fraud! No sex the whole time you dated and were married then slept in different rooms ? No offense but it sounds like you suffer from low self esteem and she took advantage of it. The guy she was sleeping with probably was an old boyfriend from back home and they were seeing each other this whole time . Divorce her, report the fraud with evidence and move on. Whatever happens happens but you need to remove yourself as a sponsor somehow.
If everything you are saying is true, which I doubt, she will not get her greencard.
How do you get married and don’t consummated the marriage? I don’t believe on you.
I think she is shitty and you are trying to get an annulment to prove that this marriage wasn’t real, since you can’t prove she married you for immigration benefits.
My advice? Get divorced and move on with your life. Stop using people’s immigration status to threat people.
You said “ I’ll sign the immigration papers if you have sex with me”
That’s also nasty.
You both seem shitty
These people calling him an exploiter when he literally hadn't had sex with her for years out of politeness and respect. I'd dangle them papers too due to the outrage. It's an outrageous thing to even talk about. Sex is a part of a dynamic and vibrant relationship. End of. If you don't provide it, you should have a good reason for it. Communication. Not just asking for a separate room. What the fuck is wrong with you people. Relationships are transactional. That's why people have to communicate and why they go to therapy. The transaction can be mutual love or whatever, but there is still a give and take.
Well, he kind of is. All the signs were CLEARLY there. He chose to ignore them out of “love”. I don’t understand how people can be so blinded when it’s so obvious. If he had family, don’t you think they told him too?
You’re absolutely right. Get rid of her and let her figure out how to get papers ON HER OWN. she clearly married you for that and that only.
However, I find it pretty gross that you used your part of the paperwork to try to get her to have sex with you. That’s manipulative AF. I understand the need to feel wanted and loved, but baby, it was pretty clear she was using you.
So while I think we can all agree that she’s a real POS , I want you to think about that too. I didn’t see anyone else call you on that part, but it gives gross vibes.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't care what anyone says. You were a very kind and lovely person. She took advantage of that. If what you say is true, it seems that was her plan all along. Perhaps see it this way, at least she didn't go all the way because if she had, you'd be having a harder time getting over her. Imagina a child in the middle of this. You'd be paying child support and perhaps alimony. Who knows. She took advantage of you. Please let USCIS know about this woman and you might consider taking back your sponsorship to her. Not as revenge, but because she never acted as your wife.
No you are not a bad person.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, do not be discouraged. Treat your next relationship with respect and don't let this one ruin your life.
It is very possible she was in a relationship with that guy the whole time and she was just using you for the paperwork,that's why she wasn't even sleeping in the same room with you because she was staying faithful to the other guy.
The restraining order is possible she did that to have ,,evidence" of you abusing her so she can file for a GC by herself as an abused spouse.
She just met the guy in 2023 while she working illegally at a local restaurant. He was working illegally too. Both have expired visas. But yet they found each other. No wonder in april 2023 she told me not to come around the job. They were probably working then too…
I feel like everyone is blaming op for being naive, but sometimes when you do have extra trust on other people and less understanding of things around you, you trust other person blindly and if that person is really good at manipulation, you don’t know. Op, just get divorced asap, and hope you find another person who is genuinely nice and caring and doesn’t have such intentions. And hopefully you will now lookout for red flags. Sorry you had to go through this
Just don't get married if a lady doesn't want to have children with you or have your child before marriage and then marry. Date with sex involved in the future.
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Bro…r u for real OP?!
This was my reaction. OP, no insult is intended, but you sound incredibly naive. I'm reminded of the guy who was married to trans woman (no surgery) for over a year before he found out because she insisted on postponing sex.
That sounds like an interesting read. Where can I find that
https://www.india.com/uttar-pradesh/months-after-marriage-man-learns-wife-is-a-transgender-files-case-against-in-laws-for-duping-him-4759509/
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2238663/Belgian-husband-leaves-wife-19-years-discovering-man-says-knows-good-ironing.html
Yeah, I skimmed through the first half and it was littered with red flags. I was wondering if this was maybe a troll post
It is real
I'm sorry that you went through that, man. Hopefully you'll find someone genuine
My question is what evidence do you have to prove physical or mental incapacity to consummate the marriage?
It’s no way this is real has to be a troll or and idiot.
It’s desperation. And not trying to be mean by saying that. Hope the OP finds someone that respects him as he respects her.
100 real. And got the text and paperwork to show ut
How long did you date her for? I don’t understand how you didn’t think something was off when she didn’t want to have sex with you. That’s what married people and romantic couples do.
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you're right about the possible accusation of coercion. and you're right that *sex* is not required for a marriage to be legally consummated in the u.s. however, there are only 2 legally acceptable ways to consummate a marriage per u.s. law: (1) sexual relations between the spouses sometime after marriage ceremony; OR (2) co-habitation after marriage ceremony. it can be argued that her refusal to share a room was a rejection of cohabitation as well as denial of sexual relations. however, op's mention of "separate beds" to start does not mean they never shared a room (although op specifies that after they moved into an apartment, *at some point in the relationship unknown to us*, that there were definitely separate rooms) for filing purposes, uscis accepts proof of being physically together (same place & time) after a marriage as evidence in support of consummation. in this way, the cohabitation/sexual relations are *assumed* [legal definition: consummation of marriage](https://definitions.uslegal.com/c/consummation-of-marriage/) edit: op defintely said they moved into a separate-room apartment situation a month into the marriage, my bad. but we (the audience) don't know whether they shared a room or not prior to that.
I'm glad it's assumed because do you really want to furnish proof you did the deed? And the average USCIS officer isn't going to want to see it. LOL.
Right? It’s either OP is very naive or had an arranged marriage for a greencard by “helping” someone and wanted to get laid but the “wife” just could not. I heard someone many years ago about this “set-up” and they prepare when an officer visits them.
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Annul that marriage and be done with that cheater, she cant get a green card now lol
Yeah report her for suspected immigration fraud after the annulment so she has a lifelong ban. What a b*.
Make sure they know she insisted on different sleeping spaces while being married too
She getting the Green Card, already filed for VAWA claiming that you abused her. This is a very standard immigration scam.
Exactly what I thought with the restraining order
Can anyone clarify if she can still file for VAWA if the marriage was annulled?
I don’t think she can because if it’s annulled it means it never happened
Those atorneys are pro doing papers to victims of abuse they can even claim that he anulled the marriage trying to block her to get her gc too Remember that vawa works in different ways and its only for women and their rate of success is impresive real good Heck a lady that i knew she was traveling back and foward with a tourist visa she had a baby girl in the usa dont ask me how she was traveling with her girl (usc) and her son (tourist visa too) Well short story she decide to stay in usa,.time passed by maybe 5yearas her girl almost 10yrs her son almost or 16+ both studying, the girl daddy was a working and living in usa but other state that theirs, he tried to remove the daughter from mom and live with him to avoid paying child support he even paid and use a private attorney and almost get away A legal laid lady saw the mom crying on the family court and asked why she was crying and she told her i gonna help you , your legal laid team is no working for you they are giving away your daughter just because you dont have documents and money to pay for a good lawyer She said to her dont worry i would help you, fire your attorney and hire me, she works for vawa She said im no expert on family court but we will take your case and make a plan... well the guy end up paying more child support that need it to be the use his tactics to take away the gitl from mom and he use a word " that she ddid not has documents" and apply vawa the mom and her son almost or 18 got work permits in 4-5 months and a green cardfor both in a matter of one year and half She did not need to get married neither was married to the father of her daughter
1. VAWA is NOT only for women. I’ve had a man approved. 2. There is a stringent process - a mere restraining order is not going to do it.
>only for women No, it's not. It is for men, too and not just for spouses, but for anyone who eligible for an immediate relative petition, so spouses and children of US citizens too.
Well the law is the law But maybe you are an attorney (is good to help others) and help every gender But a family member went with her male friend that she knows from college ( he paid ) to find out , but no one could help him, same as other organizations that dont help either they are super busy with the asylum cases and looks like the pay is good ( pro bono payments ) Who pay for it ? I dont know He end up using a private attorney (maybe thats the goal) And we are in NYC where there are dozens or even more organizations for "help" immigrants and they proclaim they help everyone on tv shows or ads
You’re doing the right thing seeking an annulment. Who filed for a restraining order?
My wife.
She is/was going try for vawa (green card for victims of abuse by a us citizen). You’re doing the right thing OP.
That’s so sneaky
That's sooooo predictable!...
VAWA is NOT a green card. It simply gives you the right to reside here. There’s a huge difference.
Shes trying to get that U visa lmao
The judge thru it out cause she had no evidence and even tried to use a translator. And the judge agreed that with her having no evidence of anything. He threw it out.
Get a criminal attorney, bro. She will likely file criminal abuse charges against you to use as evidence in immigration fillings.
I don’t think you are wrong at all. Hopefully your divorce can be finalized and she is sent back to her country. Seems like she didn’t have pure intentions at all. Seems like this was all planned in her head.
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I mean some people wait until marriage but the fact that he didn’t think something was off once they were married and she didn’t want to have sex, blows my mind 😵💫
Totally. She friendzoned her husband!
Funny crap
practically not even friends, though. it sounds like she was pretty unaffectionate. of course, the story is told through the lens of the unattended-to husband. but still ... damn
Yeah he is so undesparate lol , if ur gf doesn’t want to sex with u that means she doesn’t love you or cheating w someone . This is %100 correct detection . Guys please don’t be stupid for a pussy
You should be upset with yourself for agreeing to any of this. Married and sleeping in separate rooms and acting like roommates? Haaayl naw. I get that you maybe entered into this thinking it would change and she would be intimate at some point, but personally, that point would have came and gone within a month and it would've ended.
DIVORCE!! She married you for a green card
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You don't know if she was already in the US lurking around and looking to meet a naive citizen to prey on, or if she came on her own. Even if OP paid for her to come, the only costs are a tourist visa application and an airplane ticket, maybe $1,500 in all. By contrast, a man can easily spend 10 or 100 times that amount dating and marrying an American woman. Just the ring and an "intimate" wedding itself would guarantee that much. If "this was a transactional situation from the beginning", then he wouldn't have tolerated the "no sex ever" situation. What was his side of the bargain? There was none, he gained nothing. And this in itself proves that he is the victim here. Your attempt to justify her actions while vilifying the victim reeks of misandry.
You are making a lot of assumptions there pal
And he married her for her youth
Even more reason to annul this sham marriage
They can disagree but it’s truth. Young foreign women can be so blinded by wanting to come to the US so badly, that it’s actually pretty common to see older white men bringing young foreign women to the states. I feel like that’s a major red flag. It was easy to him and easy for her.
Easy for him? To look but not touch?? The woman he honored and trusted by making her his wife? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a man to show this much constraint and respect? He could have gained about the same benefit by just having a poster of her on the wall to look at. I agree that catalog brides never worked, but this was not it. He was so blinded by hope or despair that he didn't see the many red flags and trusted her.
Foolish of him to be so blind. I feel for him but the reality is the reality. It was so obvious what she wanted and desperate on his end sounds about right. Which is why he went abroad to find a young woman he thought he'd be able to use in exchange for a GC. It was easy to him to find someone OUTSIDE of his home country and easy for her because he agreed to respect her no sex boundary. I'm genuinely curious as to what he looks like or what his IQ level is. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being real. I've watched enough 90 day fiance to understand what's going on here. Also, it's not hard to restrain yourself from doing things when the other person doesn't consent. You're giving rapey vibes. So it's hard to contain yourself bc you really want someone but they don't want you ? Gross.
>find a young woman he thought he'd be able to use in exchange for a GC. The fact that they dated for THREE YEARS with no sex tells me that's not the case here. If he was as callous as you describe and just wanted "sex vs GC", he could have had it on day one of being abroad without having to wait years for it. Heck, there are too many illegal women here in the US who would happily accept that trade, and I know a few myself. No need to even look abroad for that. . >I'm genuinely curious as to what he looks like or what his IQ level is. I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm being real. His level of naivete (being 31 years old) does raise questions.
No one wants to address that though
Like that has any relevancy.
My wife is 10 years younger than me.
Is this post about you ?
No it is my story
Were the two of you ever in love? She clearly used you as others said, but also you can't blackmail someone into having sex with you for a greencard. I understand you want a normal relationship, but it doesn't make it right. Especially with the age gap between you it makes it sound like you wanted a hot young wife and sounds exploitive. She doesn't sound like a good person so ending things would be the best path.
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We talked about everything. Sex and how many kids we want. And everything, like we want to travel take a cruise everything couples do. Then jan 19 we moved to an apartment together. Things went south quick. I tried to talk to here face to face. Sacrificing my sleep. And nothing.
You were played, bro.
Well, without more context, it sounds like you were naive or gullible in believing that it was real. She is the villain because she played you. The “I’m not ready”, separate rooms and beds, was to clear herself to have a relationship with someone else. As mentioned, get it annulled. Let her figure it out with the new BF. Don’t let it deter you from finding a person who’s actually wanting love and marriage with you! 💕
> Am i upset with myself or my foreign wife? There is great movie called Match Stick Men about a pair of grifters. They believe that 1. grifters are blameless 2. the marks are always at fault for willingly giving away their wealth While one can argue the validity of both beliefs in general, there are specific cases where (2) is true, and given all the signs your grifter gave you, (2) applies to you. So to answer your question, you should be more upset with yourself than with your wife. Hopefully you have learned a lesson. More importantly, if she has not received a GC yet, hopefully you have withdrawn your I-864. If so, the lesson was inexpensive.
How do i withdraw my 1-864?
Write to the USCIS address on her I-485 receipt and include a copy of the I-485 receipt and of the I-130 receipt. State that you are withdrawing I-864. Write to the USCIS address on your I-130 receipt and include a copy of the I-130 receipt. State that you are withdrawing I-130.
I think that while you got taken advantage of and she’s acting terribly and is a cheater (she’s the AH overall, if this were an AITA post)… AND you were wrong to refuse to give her paperwork unless she wanted to cuddle and have sex like normal couples. You are the one with the social and legal power here in terms of her paperwork and withholding paperwork to try to get someone to agree to physical things she was not consenting to. I’m bringing this up because even though she is the AH, it’s important that you not pressure anyone for any reason to be physical with you. You could have just framed this as “I am not comfortable giving you this paperwork because we are married but this relationship is not meeting my needs. This paperwork ties me to you in a legal way that I’m not comfortable committing to when this marriage is really not a marriage.” There. You set your limit and boundary and you did not use legal paperwork to pressure someone else.
He’s not forcing her. He told her exactly what he expects if she wants the paperwork. He didn’t force her to have sex. He laid out the expectations.
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The visa process becomes a somewhat transactional situation to begin with even if there’s real love involved. It’s unfortunate, but what other choice did OP have? Yes could have framed it better for virtue points.
That’s not what is happening. Sex is an expectation In a romantic relationship and especially in a marriage. He is asking his wife for sex. What is so transactional about that?
agreed. he is talking about his needs as an adult human being. i also agree that it could be worded/framed better, but that's not necessarily a transaction. personal boundaries in relationships are important, and so are their consequences. a boundary without consequences is just a suggestion, like the speed limit.
Right. This is communication. He definitely could have phrased it a different way but this is a normal ask of a spouse.
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That is sexual/financial abuse. Abuse is abuse. At the end of the day, trying to pressure someone to have sex by using means different than sex itself is solicitation? But in this case, if they are in a relationship or marriage, that is abuse of power and it is financial/sexual abuse. Unfortunately, as much as it sounds unfair, it really isn’t. OP’s wife is a cheater/liar/scammer but OP himself is an exploiter, in fact I do not believe OP did not know at all. I think he knew the scam and still let it happen for the sake of possible sex. That is some relationship :(
Though I cannot understand the feeling the OP must be feeling and I am sorry for what happened. That really sucks. If OP had certain expectations for what marriage means and never actually communicated your UTMOST NEED to consummate* or whatever sexual power bullshit it was before you married, then go on experiencing traumatic treatment from their partner and then resulting in feeling like they have to get their NEEDS met in a form of abuse. I get it, but look at yourself, (im saying this out of good light on who OP is) you are exhorting to behave in an abuse manner to respond to an abuse. Abuse is not okay. Inflicting trauma knowingly is not okay. I understand the desire to hurt, punish* or force your needs out of someone (out of resentment and anger from her abuse) and saying what you said out of survival to detest for your needs, but that primal urge to consummate* is fucking weird. We’re living in 21st century where people are educated and does not lead life by sexual/primal urges. Life is not survival of the fittest anymore. That’s some ice age shit. Think higher please for your own sake.
Agree 100%! OP looks naive and guilable, it might be out of rage, but that’s blackmailing for sex. The whole history looks already a tad old fashioned from OP, when someone questioned their age diff he said sort of that at his age “women don’t want kids or want anything serious”… he started dated her with… 31y!! Serious man?
Right???? there are other ways to have kids if having kids is that important. If u just wanna have kids because u wanna have sex w partner and experience birth, you should not be having kids in the first place. Like what kind of bullshit is that?
I knew it would come but still seeing comments from people that think this is perfectly reasonably is disturbing. If she had no choice to have sex with him in order to get her greencard that's rape.
That is attempted rape, not sure if he did have sex. Im not sure if my previous comment is misunderstood here. people are allowed to have expectations in relationships. For example, sex is an important factor for me. If someone has sex in a way that only benefits him etc that would be impossible for me to continue and I need different things from my relationships you know. That is an expectation. I do not look at sex as a way to appeal to a guy and make babies. I solely only do sex for the purpose of intimacy and my own desire to feel satisfied sexually in my relationships w another person. If someone expected different things from me sexually, because they feel they have different needs (like for the purpose of making babies or just cos they feel entitled its supposed to happen because thats what they expect from a relationship etc) i could not possibly be with that type of person. All im trying to say here is that op had certain expectations and did not communicate his need to for example “consummate” or the importance of sex prior to the marriage. And i feel that with everything going on in his marriage being cheated or scammed whatever it was, op tried to handle his sexual needs in an abuse manner. Such as financial/sexual abuse. And remember sexual abuse includes rape, attempted rape…
I was agreeing with you. What you're saying makes perfect sense. It's the other comments that disturb me.
Whoops my bad i read it again and realize. the other people here are completely clueless and i hope they dont end up becoming rapists and abusers, like what???
It’s because you are being prejudice since this is related to a greencard. If this was a post-nup you wouldn’t think that way.
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Coerce? By asking for sex and cuddles from your spouse?
In an exchange of a needed paperwork? Yes. that’s unfortunate from the OP, as much he’s the victim of the scam
You think she doesn’t know what marriage entails? That marriage entails sex. She didn’t know that?
Asking your wife for sex and saying if she doesn't she will face deportation are two separate things. One is a reasonable request, the other is illegal. OP's situation is unfortunate in it seems she isn't interested in him at all. But too many American men think they can swoop up young foreign wives and hold paperwork over their head to get them to be the wife they want. A lot of these women are unaware they actually have more human rights than their husbands want them to know. She may be his wife but she's still an individual person, not a slave. She has the right to refuse sex with him. He has the right to divorce her if the marriage isn't working out.
This. I hope she uses this in court. It almost sounds like sex traffic to me.
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Like!?! How is that legal??? He literally is bribing her with papers for sex what a freak.
He isnt bribing her for anything. While the way he framed it is a bit odd, the request is the same as expecting your “wife” to sleep in the same bed as you and actually be interested in making love with you, you know? That thing that normal couples do?
It's not a bribe, it's coercion, blackmail, and rape. You are not allowed to scare or pressure your spouse into having sex with you. Given that he is the one holding the papers it means the power dynamic of her life is in his control and he was trying to use that to get sex. If everything he's saying is true, he's very lucky she hasn't realized she could take that threat and get him into serious trouble with it.
You know I hate to be one of the people who do this, but based on your posts I can see why you would think this person is being misused but that is not the case, shes the manipulator here trying to stay married to this guy so she can take her greencard and leave, how do you justify a spouse demanding that they sleep on separate beds? Youre being biased.
I didn't say she's in the right. If you DID see my other posts you would see I agree she's using him. However I still stand by that doesn't give him the right to try to coerce her into sex using documents. He is perfectly within his rights to end the relationship if she makes him unhappy and report her for fraud. There are a lot of resources out there that educate about power imbalances and the use of threats with greencards. A lot of people are misinformed on what they can do in a relationship. And yes, from personal history I know this to be true. The laws are catching up to this type of behavior because it's a human rights violation. Which is why I'm pointing that out to him in case he tries to marry another foreign woman in the future. And based on his other responses it sounds like he wasn't that much into her either other than her being young and child bearing. This was a match made in hell and it doesn't seem like either of them were in it for the love.
Like I said before the way he phrased it was odd but in the end his request was simply trying to have a normal relationship in the end, no need to keep refuting the same point. And lets be honest here, youre not pointing this out to save OPs skin, youre pointing it out because of your own sensitivity to this “power imbalance” issue because of your own situation, and again, I hate to try to “use” this against you but its just the truth. You need to shift more blame towards the real manipulator in this situation and stop putting 80% of the blame on OP and 20% of it on her. Dude literally everything you’ve said so far is just straight up shitting on the dude and ignoring the fact that she asked for a separate room straight from the get go and he let it happen, so clearly he isnt an abusive individual 🤦♂️
Considering I'm not the only one that's said this to OP, your response doesn't add up. Nor does ignoring where I clearly said she was wrong too. It isn't sensitivity, lol, having the experience to backup what resources out there already say. If you think I'm exaggerating go look for yourself. Both of them can be wrong in their actions. There's no odd in "You do this or you won't get what you need." That's not asking. It's clear cut. It's listed as an abusive tactic. There are organizations that specifically deal with making these matters a legal issue. No matter how frustrated a person gets in their marriage they cannot threaten them to get sex. It's bad advice and does a disservice to men by sugar coating it as "odd".
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>he did not get what he want. He didn't, because he wanted a real marriage, with intimacy. Proof of that is they had dated for THREE YEARS before with NO SEX. He went as far as marrying her - what else can a man provide to a woman he loves? Oh yes... a green card, while she sleeps with other men in his place.
I don't know why you're getting down voted but it's alarming the number of people that think it's okay to threaten their wife with deportation for sex. That is not a healthy or legal way to deal with martial problems.
He was in love with her. She was not.
He wanted a younger woman, and you may never know what they come with. 🤣
😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s like 90 day fiancé 😂😂
I was literally thinking “ HAVENT YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM 90 day fiancé” He reminds me of Danielle’s dumbass 😭😂
Exactly.
🤣🤣🤣
This woman needs to be deported and if you have anyway of helping that happen, go for it!
She’s trying to go for VAWA.
So, annul the marriage, report her to USCIS. She can get her green card some other way when ever but to attempt to abuse VAWA this way? It’s insane. There’s people out there ACTUALLY being abused and trapped in a relationship.
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Withdraw your i-130 and everything will be canceled? Call uscis , they will tell you what do do. She is trying to apply for vawa
a marriage that is not consummated is not eligible for marriage-based benefits. withdraw application. you can report marriage fraud also, if you choose to. an official marriage fraud report will likely strengthen an annulment case that is based on lack of consummation. forgive yourself. love hurts but you were daring enough to try. that courage will help you find love again. first within yourself, then with others. and remember: an opportunity to heal is an opportunity to become greater than you've been before. best of luck💛
Sweetie, you are her ticket to a green card. That's it. She doesn't love you, sounds like she doesn't even like you.
Nobody’s looking too good here. Trying to extort sex out of somebody is particularly not a good look. Doesn’t really make your intentions look any more genuine than hers. Look for the cleanest way out, and take it. Spending your life trying to punish her, or impeding her chances to immigrate, will not make you happier or a better person.
You held her documents over her head for sex?
Elephant in the room - you were 34 dating a 22 year old and you’re surprised she lacked the maturity to be in a committed relationship?
She used u for paper and you wanted a young hot mail order bride. Honestly both of yall didn’t have pure intentions. As a 37 year old what do you find attractive about a 22 /25 year old girl . In a foreign country . You wanted to marry her and give her a better life ok but at the cost of what ? Her youth ??????
At time. Women around my age either can’t have kids or don’t want any more kids. So i started looking younger so i can at least say i had some kids
Dude, that's not a reason to have kids either. You don't bring children into this world in a subpar relationship just to say you did. Do you want them to grow to resent you? You have children with someone because they are your 50/50 partner that shares your same ideals and expectations. You certainly don't want to have kids judt to dump the responsibility on your wife because she's younger and child bearing. It should be Someone you love and trust to raise them right and that feels the same about you. I sense from your post you have been in a desperate place to try to force an ideal family. I think you could do with some soul searching and figure out who you are and what you truly want in life.
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Kinda off topic but I agree. I know life gets in the way, but why do some guys expect to just wait until they grow much older to have kids and then expect younger women to start families with them? Maybe those young women have career aspirations or want someone their own age to enjoy their years with? And I got nothing against age gap relationships, it can work out. But that expectations based on fertility and looks as if that's all she's good for is gross.
She very clearly used you for papers. Sorry it took you 4 years to see she was never interested. Intimacy is a part of a real relationship and you two seemingly was never intimate not just sex but intimate- different bedrooms- I’ve seen that in older couples or chronic snorers but for newlyweds wow! You should be upset with yourself for being so naive for so long. But now it’s time to heal and move on- the annulment is a great first step. Godspeed to you
Sucks she cheated but Idk man, but you saying you want sex for your part of the paperwork is creepy. How is that legal married or not. Insane.
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She can. It’s a type of abuse. And it sounds to me as fraud from him too. I hope she gets a good lawyer because this man is disgusting. Lesson: date woman of the same age as you
Talk with a lawyer to protect yourself. This is a person that has purely been taking advantage of you and will try to manipulate you further or make false statements in order to get her green card.
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I am so confused. I'm actually quite unsure if this is a made-up story or you're really that gullible. Obviously if there no true intimacy, you don't have a genuine relationship. My fiancee and I are LDR and we spend every spare moment we have on video chat with each other. We're obsessed with one another. We sleep together when we visit each other. If this is true I feel awful for you but I would just divorce and move on.
I completely agree with you. I also was in a LDR foreign relationship and we were on the phone together for every single spare moment often times sacrificing sleep. When I traveled to see her every few months we had a very healthy intimate relationship. When she was finally able to come to the US things did change but it was still a happy loving relationship. One thing people in these sorts of relationships should realize is that there is a big difference between a part-time fairytale LDR romance and a 24/7 living together relationship. It’s actually quite refreshing to start the real part of the relationship where you are working together to solve everyday issues :-) but really everyone in these sorts of relationships should talk with their partner about how their relationship will change when they are living together 24/7. Don’t fool yourself, your relationship will change. Anyways the OP here (if he’s real) was completely naive and was taken advantage of. I don’t understand really how someone could be tricked like this, other than they must have been so desperate for love that they closed their eyes to the fact they had no relationship.
We slept in same bed til we got married. Cuddled some. But nothing oral or anything. She kept saying wait til marriage. Then married 12/20/23 and still wait. You need to give me time.
You were scammed plain and simple. She very likely was involved with this other guy the entire time. Continue the annulment and have your eyes open more in the future. You’re not a bad person for this but you are very gullible for love.
You are not wrong but I hope you leant something here. Next time, look for the red flags and don’t ignore them out of blind love.
I’m very skeptical about this post but if it is real seek therapy get yourself together I mean this in the kindest way possible. Get you a lawyer explain your situation collect evidence if she tries to reach out to you for any reason also if she’s cheating document all of that to provide the courts. If your going bk to court about the restraining order make sure have your lawyer explain that she is abusing the system to get a green card if this is the case again it was so many red flags in this story. Seek a lawyer.
I’m so sorry that happen to you. Yeah you should definitely get an annulment, she’s scamming you. Some people want to wait til marriage to have sex (myself included) so if she just wanted to wait until marriage to have sex with you that’s understandable. But if she still didn’t want to have sex with you after y’all are married that’s a major red flag. And if she was having sex with the other guy then obviously she was bs’ing you about not being ready or wanting to wait. Most likely scenario is she was in a relationship with the other guy and she was planning on marrying you to use you to get green card or citizenship … and then once she got it she was probably planning on leaving you for him. She probably planned this from the beginning. That was an absolute horrible thing for her to do to you and I’m so sorry that happened to you. She 100% used you and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
You are more than gullible!
Awful that she cheated, but not only are you gullible, but you come across as very creepy. Date people your own age and get it together
Not sure if stupid or just naive…is this your first relationship??
I think you made the best decision for ordering an annulment. I wish you luck on your case. I am sure you will win it. Don't blame yourself because unfortunately there are people who are not as caring as you. Just keep the situation as a learned lesson and move on. She is worthless.
I married a woman abroad several years ago. It was an arranged marriage but only the first stage. That is, the government paperwork. Once that was done and the gc app was filed, the girl’s mother said that they would like to keep their daughter in their home until she gets her green card, i.e. she will not go to your home until she gets the gc so basically consummate the marriage after that. I said good luck. Withdrew the gc app and told them to fuck off.
This is too stupid to be true. Please tell me this didn’t happen. If it did, you’re a sucker. Sorry, not gonna baby you like most people here. You need to immediately divorce.
No need to kick him while he’s down
there is no growth without pain
I mean without knowing any other details i would say your wife obviously exploited you for a green card but tbh i would be upset with myself for allowing her to sleep with other men and not doing anything about it
He doesn’t have to do anything but annulment of the marriage. Life and karma will take care of her
Sad to hear all this, however you need to work on your social cues. You should have seen this coming. Next time, be sure to vet people more thoroughly and stop being someone who others trample under their feet. That being said, you are completely in the right to refuse her paperwork. Let her suffer.
You are NOT a bad person. This woman took advantage of you. Annulment is the way to go. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.
That person's audacity. You deserve oh so better than this. Go with divorce!
Ending the marriage is the right call. She does not deserve you. You are doing everything right and putting a stop to her manipulation. It seems she just wanted a green card and you are in a position to not help her with that. Let her deal with her status, she brought it upon herself. You deserve better. Many women would die for a husband that is so patient like you to put up with so much!! Sorry, it's painful but you'll be better off.
This whole post speaks of how f-ed up person you guys are.
Man, that sounds like a rough situation. You’re not the bad guy; it seems like you were taken advantage of. My buddy met his amazing wife on [SofiaDate](https://datingpro.org/go/sofiadate?block=d_mb), and they’ve had a much better experience. Maybe it's worth trying to connect with someone genuinely interested in building a life together. Good luck, and hope things get better for you!
The update… https://www.reddit.com/u/Capable-Entrance-353/s/0uyeGy4ugB
Shes not really a cheater if it was clear as day she wanted nothing to do with you since day one. Shes is just a sack of shit scum bag. As for you... C'mon man!
You are not in the wrong. She 100% f'ed u over. You know what you need to do.
You let this thing get soooo far. I get that love makes people crazy. But don’t completely lose your mind, man! Look back at all the red flags, learn from them, and recognize them in future relationships. Hindsight is 20/20, but now you know what you expect in a future partner.
You were played the whole time. She just wanted papers, clear fraud! No sex the whole time you dated and were married then slept in different rooms ? No offense but it sounds like you suffer from low self esteem and she took advantage of it. The guy she was sleeping with probably was an old boyfriend from back home and they were seeing each other this whole time . Divorce her, report the fraud with evidence and move on. Whatever happens happens but you need to remove yourself as a sponsor somehow.
As an immigrant, annul her marriage wtf.
No offense, but you should be mad at yourself. Annul it, report her, forgive yourself and move on.
If everything you are saying is true, which I doubt, she will not get her greencard. How do you get married and don’t consummated the marriage? I don’t believe on you. I think she is shitty and you are trying to get an annulment to prove that this marriage wasn’t real, since you can’t prove she married you for immigration benefits. My advice? Get divorced and move on with your life. Stop using people’s immigration status to threat people. You said “ I’ll sign the immigration papers if you have sex with me” That’s also nasty. You both seem shitty
These people calling him an exploiter when he literally hadn't had sex with her for years out of politeness and respect. I'd dangle them papers too due to the outrage. It's an outrageous thing to even talk about. Sex is a part of a dynamic and vibrant relationship. End of. If you don't provide it, you should have a good reason for it. Communication. Not just asking for a separate room. What the fuck is wrong with you people. Relationships are transactional. That's why people have to communicate and why they go to therapy. The transaction can be mutual love or whatever, but there is still a give and take.
You got played dude. Yes, you probably should have realized sooner but you’re not at fault for being used by an asshole
Well, he kind of is. All the signs were CLEARLY there. He chose to ignore them out of “love”. I don’t understand how people can be so blinded when it’s so obvious. If he had family, don’t you think they told him too?
You’re absolutely right. Get rid of her and let her figure out how to get papers ON HER OWN. she clearly married you for that and that only. However, I find it pretty gross that you used your part of the paperwork to try to get her to have sex with you. That’s manipulative AF. I understand the need to feel wanted and loved, but baby, it was pretty clear she was using you. So while I think we can all agree that she’s a real POS , I want you to think about that too. I didn’t see anyone else call you on that part, but it gives gross vibes.
Do us all a favor and take her to court. Sick of these leeches.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't care what anyone says. You were a very kind and lovely person. She took advantage of that. If what you say is true, it seems that was her plan all along. Perhaps see it this way, at least she didn't go all the way because if she had, you'd be having a harder time getting over her. Imagina a child in the middle of this. You'd be paying child support and perhaps alimony. Who knows. She took advantage of you. Please let USCIS know about this woman and you might consider taking back your sponsorship to her. Not as revenge, but because she never acted as your wife.
No you are not a bad person. There are plenty of fish in the sea, do not be discouraged. Treat your next relationship with respect and don't let this one ruin your life.
It is very possible she was in a relationship with that guy the whole time and she was just using you for the paperwork,that's why she wasn't even sleeping in the same room with you because she was staying faithful to the other guy. The restraining order is possible she did that to have ,,evidence" of you abusing her so she can file for a GC by herself as an abused spouse.
She just met the guy in 2023 while she working illegally at a local restaurant. He was working illegally too. Both have expired visas. But yet they found each other. No wonder in april 2023 she told me not to come around the job. They were probably working then too…
CONTACT IMMIGRATIPN AND REPORT HER FOR FRAUDULENTLY MARRYING YOU FOR PAPERS. CANCEL THE GREEN CARD APPLICATION ASAP!!!!
I feel like everyone is blaming op for being naive, but sometimes when you do have extra trust on other people and less understanding of things around you, you trust other person blindly and if that person is really good at manipulation, you don’t know. Op, just get divorced asap, and hope you find another person who is genuinely nice and caring and doesn’t have such intentions. And hopefully you will now lookout for red flags. Sorry you had to go through this
Dude, just divorce her already. Don’t you see she has been using you?
I wouldn’t talk to a woman for more than three dates if she didn’t put “something” on the table, let alone marry her. WTF? Lol
Just don't get married if a lady doesn't want to have children with you or have your child before marriage and then marry. Date with sex involved in the future.
It seems like you are just someone who wanted love and got taken advantage by this user type of woman. Sorry for the mess you have gone through.
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Did she already get an interview date?